#anyway any post I make about Sam and dean is not for freaks but also I don’t feel obligated to say that because I don’t want to be reminded

[entropic-saudade]

For @wellofdean (we interacted on your post on my main, but I had most of this in my drafts on this account).

Re: My disjointed, hastily verbalized thoughts on The American Dream as queered (and unqueered?) by Supernatural

The thing about Supernatural is that the thing that keeps the boys from being unable to reach The American Dream (a house, a successful job, a nuclear family) is that compared to the systemic issues (and the fact that it’s all a dangling carrot of a construct anyway) that keep most people from reaching it, what prevents them is the fact that monsters exist—at least, this is a premise as outlined by Pilot. These are two white, handsome, (debatably) cis, (arguably not) heterosexual men, and it should be something that should come as easy to them as others presume it should (See: Wishful Thinking). But a demon burned Mom on the ceiling, and then Jess, so that world is not for them.

But then the show does some interesting things.

They align supernatural beings with corporations (Hell and Crowley, Zachariah and Heaven), in S7 they use Leviathan as the literal embodiment of Thomas Hobbes’ defense of capitalism Leviathan, the all-intrinsic, insidious, corporate greed of corporate America. Even a lot of minor monsters who don’t get half-season or whole-season face times face the same underlying issues that hunters and other Americans (and people in general) face: they just want to survive. They want to keep food on the table. It’s eat or be eaten. Often, especially in later seasons (most notably in S15), we see glimpses of monsters living in dumps for houses just living relatively normal lives before the boys come in and kill them. To the monster, society at large and the hunter is what keeps them from their Dream of family and home and stability.

Monsters like Garth, Benny, etc, have to either be reformed or cooperative with humans, or else they face death. (I want to write on Benny and Garth later bc they’re SO fucking interesting, even among the monster archetypes).

Then, consider the fact that, yeah, monsters exist, but they’re just a decoy/byproduct of the fact that there IS an overarching systemic force that keeps them from ever exerting true free will, (note Hobbes’ social contract says we sacrifice a little bit of will in exchange for safety, that’s the condition of society; the safety here being so long as the boys follow Chuck’s stories they’ll forever be reincarnated into the rat race; if they want real free will they’ll no longer be safe from permanent death): God.

So the show in Pilot establishes that the American Dream apple pie life isn’t for them. Sam wants it, but he feels like a freak no matter where he goes. Dean claims he doesn’t want it, but you brush past his layers and you see how deeply he just wants a family and home (which John says he wants for him too, despite being the major force keeping him from it. Of course even without John, the other forces above kick in, because the system keeping them from it is God—John as an absent god figure represents that from the get go). They talk about the “apple pie life” with fluctuating tones of want and disdain throughout the show depending on their circumstances, but any time they get close to tasting it (Sam’s time at Stanford, Dean’s djinn dream in What Is and What Should Never Be, Dean’s time with Lisa, Sam’s time with Amelia—notably those examples stop after the boys get the Bunker, which I have more meta about I’ll RB & tag later, because it’s the closest thing to a home the show allows them to have), it gets poisoned by their past and snatched away by their path to the future.

Which makes the themes of “family don’t end (or begin) in blood” so important. (Though… consider also that most of their found family dies or isn’t shown by the end).

The way they get their American dream— a home (the bunker), a job (hunting, legacies, a hacked credit card), a family (all their found family, including Jack and Cas) is unconventional. In Lebanon, when John “I want this to be over, I want Sam to go to school, I want Dean to have a home” Winchester tells Dean he wanted him to have a home and family, Dean fully accepts and verbalizes that this is the best the life is going to give them. And that’s beautiful, and they’ll do anything to protect that. They make their little found families repeatedly: Ash, who burns down with the Road House; Jo and Cas and Ellen and Bobby, their family photo burned after Jo and Ellen die in AHBL. Every version of family they get is torn apart but they don’t stop, to the point that God literally has to take away everyone- and they still don’t stop fighting.

There’s smaller ‘jokes’ throughout— Dean never getting pie (never getting the apple pie life), Mary’s pie being storebought instead of homemade as representative of the fact that her home life wasn’t “real”— it was borrowed time. Even the pie in finale, is horridly, literally, delivered as a pie in the face. A joke. The apple pie life Sam got in the end isn’t necessarily even because he wants it anymore (Sam tells Dean such throughout, though he’s a little harder to read), but because Dean wanted it for him. The life Dean got in the end was in death.

Going back to Kripke and The Hero’s Journey as presented in his era of S1-5, the ending really subverted the ideas from Pilot. Dean got the apple pie life (and suffered), Sam did the furthest thing possible from normal and TOOK BACK POSSESSION FROM LUCIFER TO JUMP INTO A CAGE HE KNEW HE’D BE LOCKED IN FOREVER to save the world.

Then you get Gamble doing some interesting things with Leviathan/monster as Capitalist force, literally bringing the Campbell in Joseph Campbell back with Mary’s extended family— notably, Sam only fits in among them at the time because he Wasn’t Sam, and Dean feels like an outsider both in Lisa’s home (on the surface he keeps it together, but the life holds on), and among them even when he is hunting. They make fun of him for the traces of the American Dream apple pie life (golf clubs, magazines… even things he can’t control, like the ‘delicate features’ he gets from his mother, who waged a normal life so badly she made a deal with a demon while he inhabited her father’s body—the force that kept her from a normal life. More later on Mary and how she’s revealed to not be able to stop hunting regardless). The Campbells get killed off, and we get Mary in the form of Eve, Mother of All, who likewise is trying to protect her children. Is soulless Sam’s return in Exile on Mainstreet a “call to adventure”, presented as more of the inevitable same from Pilot— one so close that it’s Dean’s fear, that Azazel is back and will continue the cycle with Lisa and Ben? Ultimately, it’s not Azazel, but other demons and the existence of monsters, those pre-existing systemic family forces that keep Dean from his supposed idealized version of a normal life.

Carver’s era does some interesting things with Amelia (whose flashback scenes are so brightly lit they bring to mind the false cheery lighting of Dean’s djinn dream in What Is and What Should Never Be, of the false light lighting in It’s a Terrible Life— to the point that some have theorized the whole thing was a cope hallucination by Sam), with Benny (who I have meta written about elsewhere I need to post on here— but Benny is one of the most self aware, narratively echoed characters who aligns himself with every member of Team Free Will in just a few episodes. The notable/relevant thing here is that like Sam, Benny the blood drinker is a freak among freaks, feeling like he doesn’t fit in anywhere, has no home, and when he tries to find it (Andrea Kormos, Elizabeth in Carencro), he can’t get it either), with even the angels being thrown from the only home they’ve ever known, with Cain and Death and Rowena and God as a broken family with Lucifer and Amara and Chuck-as-God.

And then you get Dabb’s era, bringing Mary Winchester/Campbell back, the chance to unfridge a woman and tearing all expectations about who she is down, never acknowledging her family was also resurrected at one point, the boys living as “Campbells” in Lebanon (which I loved, but the “I have a home and I have a family” gets kind of thrown away by the end), Dean’s “I have a home,” The Heroes Journey even being lampshaded in S15 with the episode with Garth (more thoughts on Garth and how that episode shows the only real American Dream on the show, and he got to keep it, doubly queered by the fact that they’re monsters who are also hunters). Dabb’s finale brought the Heroes Journey story circle back, quite literally in the sense that time is a flat circle and Sam and Dean are returned to their Pilot expectations— right down to their clothing choices in Heaven. (I know some people find that beautiful, and there is a nice symmetry to certain elements, and I understand the need to end the story that way, BUT it’s the broader story and structure and narrative and message that upsets and baffles me— it undoes Kripke’s whole “rip up the ending” bit, the subverted Hero’s Journey from S5, and combined with everything else in the show (not going to touch Heaven rn but I have Thoughts about that too), it sends the message that what meaning you create in life doesn’t matter (the found family (who we don’t see in the finale and barely gets acknowledged. SAM’s new family barely gets acknowledged, his son is a xerox of Dean and his wife is a blur in the background who doesn’t have any family photos in the home), the queered way in which they create the American dream doesn’t matter)— true happiness comes in death.)

Something something “the one thing I want is something I know I can’t have.” Cas’ confession is not only a confession to Dean but a show thesis. To me.

#supernatural meta #meta #supernatural

[devnmon]

A Little Twisted

Summary: The Winchester's take a case you've put the file together for, and despite the opinion of your mother, Ellen Harvelle, you chase their tail to help them on the hunt. [Based on 2.06 of SPN, aka No Exit.]

Word count: 3.8k

A/n: Listen I know we all love Jo but wouldn't it be fun to imagine us in her place instead? Clearly under the gaze of Dean Winchester, as well?? I've got just the fic for you :] (also this is just a little fic I finished and wanted to post as a way to clean up my wips. I'm still on hiatus, but I hope you all take this as a little parting gift. love u all <3)

You’d spent the morning arguing with your mother, Ellen Harvelle, over whether or not you were “allowed” to leave the roadhouse and go out on your own to hunt. You for one, were fed up with her obvious disregard for how old you actually were, 21 years old, a grown woman. You should be able to go out on your own, especially for something like this. The disagreement quickly turned to a yelling match between the two of you, throat burning as you continue to defend yourself.

“You can’t keep me here!”

“Oh don’t you bet on that, sweetie.”

You bet on a lot of things in life, but this you were sure you knew you wanted- this you were sure you needed.

“What are you gonna do? Are you gonna chain me up in the basement?”

“You know what? You’ve had worse ideas than that recently. Hey, you don’t wanna stay? Don’t stay. Go back to school!”

School. College. The place every single person side eyed you for your interests and style of clothing. You couldn't go back. Not after almost making a stab victim out of a man who'd been harassing you nonstop. To prevent being suspended or worse, you dropped out.

“I didn’t belong there! I was a freak with a knife collection!”

She didn't understand. She would never understand.

“Yeah but getting yourself killed on some dusty backroad- that’s where you belong?!”

It was then your eyes faltered from your mother’s expression to the two men that had walked into their bar. It seemed the tension finally broke as she whipped her head around at them. The Winchesters.

“Guys, bad time.”

"Yes ma'am." Sam took the tension in the room as a sign, considering they had walked in on an argument, ones you assumed they'd had multiple times with each other.

"Yeah, we rarely drink before 10, anyway." Dean followed, not wanting to agitate your mother any more than you already had.

The Winchesters just happened to butt into the argument at the most convenient time for you. Dean and Sam’s rushed apology for interrupting sends them turning toward the door again, until you catch their attention.

“Wait. I wanna know what they think about this.” Huffing, you walk over to the countertop with the file thrown on top of it.

“I don’t care what they think!” She retorted once again, wanting to keep it between you two.

They’re both staring awkwardly before the roadhouse phone rings, making you glare at it, the ringing repeating before your mother paused the argument to answer it.

Dean and Sam stayed out of the disagreement in fear of what your mother would say or do to them if they’d intervened.

But, with her back turned, you quickly grabbed the case file off the bartop and approached the brothers.

“Three weeks ago a young girl disappears from a Philadelphia apartment.”

Silence rang out as Dean just stared at you, holding the file out for him to grab.

“Take it, it won’t bite.” You said sarcastically, lifting it up to his face.

“No, but your mom might.” You tilted your head at Dean, knowing he couldn’t say no to you.

The green-eyed man's eyebrows dropped from their raised position as he finally grabbed the file from your hands. Relief washed over you in watching the brothers peek through the file.

“And this girl wasn’t the first. Over the past 80 years, six women have vanished. All from the same building, all young blondes.”

You explained the details of the case in more detail, glancing from Sam to Dean to see how they reacted to the information. You picked up on Sam’s genuine interest in it, while Dean only looked it over plainly until you finished going on about it.

“It only happens every decade or two, so cops never eyeball the pattern. So we’re either dealing with one very old serial killer or-“

Dean finally spoke.

“Who put this together? Ash?”

As if he thought a woman couldn't put a silly little case file together.

“I did it myself.” You admitted, proudly, noticing Dean’s face falter with what looked like genuine surprise.

He glanced between your face beaming with pride, and the file in his hands. Dean wouldn't admit it, but he was impressed with your extensive knowledge on the case, only giving you a look.

“Huh.”

“I gotta admit, we’ve hit the road for a lot less.” Sam spoke up again.

The sound of the phone being hung up was the last thing you heard before your mother spoke again.

“Good. If you like the case so much, you take it.” Ellen's voice sounded out again, having ended the phone call abruptly.

Turning to your mother again with more annoyance this time, your scowl intensified.

“Mom.”

Another desperate plea for you mother to treat you like the adult you factually were. Didn't matter if she didn't think you could do it, you believed in yourself enough for the both of them.

“Sweetheart, this family has lost enough. I won’t lose you too. I just won’t.”

With that, the brothers took the case file with them and drove off. As they'd hit the road, your plan to catch up with them wasn’t far behind.

You’d been eager to join the Winchesters for this specific hunt, one you put the case file together for. It was easier to let your mother cool off for a while, before even attempting to talk to her again.

You had fibbed to the hawk-like supervision of her that night by letting her know you’d gone to Vegas, far after the brothers had left. It was only a diversion from where you were really going, roping Ash into laying a credit card trail all the way to Nevada, after threatening him to keep your plans to himself.

You drove all the way to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, showing up to the apartment building Dean and Sam had already been looking around in.

“You did a really good job with this place,” your voice echoed down the hallway, in conversation with the landlord of the building.

Imagine your surprise when the slight turn of your head from down the hallway brought Sam and Dean into your view.

“The hell are you doing here?” Dean muttered, an idea for cover popping into your head.

Your eyes brightened up as you saw him, in a way that made Dean question what the hell you were doing, until you spoke.

“There you are, honey. This is my boyfriend, Dean, and his buddy Sam.”

Boyfriend? Dean thought.

“Good to meet you.” Dean shook the man’s hand, wanting to play along with your facade before actually asking you what was up.

”Quite a gal you got here.” The landlord replied, standing opposite the three of you now.

“Oh yeah, she’s a pistol!” Dean choked out, grabbing your waist quite tightly. His grip only tightened around you, relishing in the feeling of the older Winchester's hand a little too much for a split second.

“So, did you already check out the apartment? The one for rent?” You said, another fake laugh getting choked out.

“Yeah. Yes. Loved it. Great flow.”

Smooth, Winchester…

“How'd you get in?” The landlord questioned.

“It was open.”

Dean’s so good at covering his ass, it almost made you blush.

“Now, Ed, um, when did the last tenant move out?” Dean spoke again, still playing along with your rouse.

“About a month ago. Cut and run, too. Stiffed me for the rent.”

“Well, her loss, our gain. ‘Cause if Dean-o loves it, it’s good enough for me.” The fake smile you’d been putting on was starting to pain your cheeks, secretly hoping this more than awkward conversation would come to an end soon enough.

“Oh sweetie..” Dean jolted your body closer to him with his arm once again, aggravated at how you managed to lie to your mother and make it out here, not to mention put up such a convincing fib to the landlord's face.

“We’ll take it.” You stated, handing him the wad of cash in your purse.

“Ah. Okay.” The man took the money from you, in awe of it as he walked you to the apartment and handed you the key.

Time passed, and the brothers had been loading their guns on the table in the middle of the apartment, your hand shuffling through your bag for something as you looked over to the older Winchester.

“I’ll flip you for the sofa," you spoke, pulling your knife out of the bag.

“Does your mother even know you’re here?” Dean's tone held hints of annoyance, but you knew he was glad to see you. Even if he didn't show it.

“Told her I was going to Vegas.”

“You think she’s gonna buy that?”

Dean knew your mother, Ellen wasn't shy of stupid, by a long shot. He knew if he didn't give you up, your mother would have him by the balls otherwise.

“I’m not an idiot. I got Ash to lay a credit card trail all the way to the casinos.” You smirked, proud of yourself but still feeling like Dean was upset with you.

“You know, you shouldn’t lie to your mom. You shouldn't be here, either.”

You glance over to Sam, who’s inspecting the gun in his hand with a different look on his face.

“Well, I am. So untwist your boxers and deal with it.”

“Where’d you get all that money from, anyways?” Sam spoke for the first time since your back and forth with Dean.

“Working, at the Roadhouse.”

“Hunters don’t tip that well.” Dean started again.

“Well, they aren’t that good at poker, either.”

You had the skill to hustle other hunters in poker? You? A Harvelle? And Dean hadn’t found this out till now?

Silence fills the air as Dean’s cell starts to ring, picking it up and pausing his bickering.

You continued looking through your bag for your knife, until Dean answered the phone. Pausing, you listened in to Dean’s conversation.

If that’s my mother…

“Yeah? Oh hi, Ellen.”

Shit.

You swiftly walked towards Dean, frantically whisper yelling in his face, your mother on the other side of the phone call.

Your voices overlapped in chaotic whispers as Dean hesitated telling your mother you’d lied to her.

“Don’t you tell her. I’ll kill you if you do. Don’t you do it.”

“Oh, I’m telling her. You’re not even supposed to be here-”

And then with some will-power he still had, Dean decided to keep your secret.

“I haven’t seen her. Yeah, I’m- I’m sure. Absolutely.”

The annoyed look on Dean’s face as he hung the phone up only made you grin from ear to ear.

The three of you sat in the middle of the apartment still, flipping the knife in your hand, as you went over the history of the building to rule out any causes of of these women going missing.

“Would you sit down please?” You said to the older, broad-shouldered Winchester. Dean was pacing behind you, inducing your worry about the case further. He only shared a look with you, before sitting down and continuing on about different reports and evidence of past cases.

“So, have you checked the police reports, uh, county death records…”

You knew the older Winchester had a problem with you showing up while him and Sam were on this hunt. Though, you were the one that gave them the case, to begin with. You spent ten more minutes trying to convince Dean that you knew what you were doing on this hunt. The sources you referenced, spewing out of your brain one after another in an attempt to show them both how serious you were taking this.

It seemed like no matter how much you proved yourself to Dean, he always shot back with another point as to why you shouldn't be there.

"Obituaries, mortuary reports, and seven other sources. I know what I'm doing."

“I think the jury’s still out on that one.” You continued flipping the blade in your hand until Dean said, “Would you put the knife down?”

You placed the knife on the table with a smug look on your face.

“Okay. So, uh, it’s something else then. Maybe some kind of cursed object that brought a spirit with it.” Sam spoke, trying to move their investigation along to find out more about what it is they’re hunting.

“We gotta scan the whole building, everywhere we can get to, right?” It was the fastest way to find a possible lead.

“Right. So, you and me will take the top two floors.” Dean butted in, standing up from his chair.

“We’d move faster if we split up.” You also rose from where you sat, only wanting to move the investigation along quicker.

“Oh, this isn’t negotiable.” The look on Dean’s face said he didn't want to argue anymore and that you’d just have to face the fact that he'd be accompanying you.

“Fine.”

The two of you made it to the top floor of the apartment complex, EMF detectors in hand as you began roaming the hallways side by side. Truth was you enjoyed Dean’s presence, when he wasn’t being a complete ass. You could sense a spark between the two of you, but you'd just have to wait for the right moment to make your move on it.

Plus it was fun to tease him about it in the meantime.

“So, you gonna buy me dinner?”

Dean glanced over to you, then back to his EMF detector while scanning the apartment hallway.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s just- if you’re gonna ride me this close, it’s only decent you buy me dinner.”

You were only half joking with him, though the idea of a date with Dean Winchester wasn’t completely terrible sounding. You knew your presence didn’t bother him as much as he’d let on to.

The first time he saw you working around the roadhouse, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you.

The obvious spark between you and Dean only burned brighter every time you were around him, tension thick enough to be cut with a knife.

“Oh, that’s hilarious. You know it’s bad enough I lied to your mom, but if you think I’m letting you out of my sight- I don’t know if you noticed, but you’re kind of the spirits type.”

“Exactly.”

That was the moment Dean realized why you were so avid about this hunt.

“You want to be bait?”

“Quickest way to draw it out and you know it.”

Dean only chuckled in response.

“What?”

“I’m so regretting this.” Dean’s tone was more aggravated now, like he had realized something that put you at risk.

Pausing, you decide that Dean’s attitude wasn’t something you wanted to deal with anymore.

“You know, I've had it up to here with your crap.”

He turned to you, somewhat taken back by what you’d just admitted to him.

“Excuse me?”

“Your chauvinist crap. You think women can’t do the job.”

That was the moment Dean had it with you. There was no way to express that he didn't want you putting yourself in danger without expressing how he felt about you, but he also knew you hadn't been hunting before, even if you put together a convincing case file.

“Sweetheart, this ain’t gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can’t. You got no experience. What you do have is a bunch of half-baked romantic notions that some barfly has put in your head.”

“And now, you sound like my mother.”

“Oh, and that’s a bad thing? Because let me tell you-“

“What?” you shook your head at Dean’s hesitation with answering you and finishing his sentence.

“Forget it.”

“No, you started this.”

“Y/n, you got options. No one in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young, I wish I could do something else.”

“You love the job.”

“Yeah, but I’m a little twisted.”

“You don’t think I’m a little twisted, too?”

“You’ve got a mother that worries about you. Who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don’t throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later.”

Dean started to walk away from you, until your hand pulls on his jacket, turning back to you.

“Dean, wait.”

“What?”

You paused, wanting to hold a serious conversation with Dean, the look on your face making him turn back fully and focus on you.

Shooting him a pointed look, you took a deep breath.

"Look, if you wanna hate me for lying to my mom or whatever, then fine. But let's realize that we're both here for the same reason: to hunt and kill whatever's in this building. I think it's cute and all that you want what's best for me, wanna protect me from whatever evil the world has to offer, but you're not taking me from this hunt. Not when I'm the one that put the damn case file together in the first place." Your finger poked Dean's chest argumentatively, swallowing down the realization of how firm it was under your touch.

Dean clenched his jaw awkwardly, noticing how your eyes shifted down from his to glance at his lips for a split second.

Or maybe he was imagining it, too caught up in your heated argument to notice. There had always been something between you and Dean, something too low to notice at first.

But where there was a spark, there was a flame.

"Are you gonna say anything? Or just let me talk my head off?" You shook your head as the older Winchester stayed silent, noticing his gaze shoot across your soft features ever so slightly.

"I-" He started to speak, but got cut off with your impatient tone.

"No. You know what? I'm done trying to tell you why I'm here. Do what you want, hate me if you want.. I don't care-"

Dean's lips were the only thing you felt before freezing in your stance for a slight moment at the contact.

It wasn't unwelcome, just unexpected.

Half a second passed before your lips melded with his, plump and soft against yours. His kiss softened, palm cupping your cheek now. The moment had stopped time, his lips against yours consuming all the thoughts and worries from the hunt washing away.

You swore you heard a groan from him as your hand pressed against his chest. It was only a moment later before Dean pulled away, looking down at you in a different way now.

The pink of Dean's tongue poked out to wet his lips, an action you couldn't help yourself from gawking at, before he decided to speak.

"I'm never gonna hate you. Matter of fact, that's the last thing I feel, sweetheart." The boyish chuckle that filled your ears only gravitated you towards him even more.

"Dean..." You breathed, noticing how the blush in his cheeks reddened when you spoke his name.

"No, look. I don't want you to put yourself in danger for the sake of the case, it ain't right." You pouted at his words, in which he held up a hand to halt you from saying anything, "But, if you think you're up for it, then I'm not gonna stand in your way. I just- your mom is gonna have my ass if something happens to you."

You shake your head vigorously, meeting the compassionate look in Dean's eyes with your own. "As much as you'd like to protect me, there's only so much you can do. If we're gonna finish this hunt, we have to take risks. I promise you I'll be fine. No matter what happens. Okay?"

Dean listened intently to every word you said, with a hint of worry and skepticism in his eyes. He knew you could handle yourself, you were a Harvelle, of course. But he would be damned if he didn't worry a shit ton about the beautiful woman in front of him. He'd already swore to himself that he would keep you safe, no matter what, and do anything and everything it took in order to return you back to the safety of your bed at night.

With a small nod, Dean's pretty green eyes lit up with hope.

"Dammit," Dean swore, lifting his head to you, "I swear to god if you aren't careful-"

"When am I not?" Your hands grabbed at his red shirt, rubbing up and down his chest ever so slightly, eyes flicking between his and his lips that sat perfectly under his nose.

"Just don't get reckless. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Couldn't live with myself if I got you killed or worse before I even got the chance to-" He trailed off, thoughts running ramped behind that perfect head of his.

"Before what?" Tilting your head to the side, curious at what the Winchester suggested. It was Dean's turn to flick his eyes between yours and the soft lips he'd pressed against his just a moment before.

"Before... I did this," Dean's hands surrounded your waist, pulling you against his chest, close enough to feel his breath on your cheek, "And this.." he pressed his lips to your neck, tipping your chin up for more access to your skin, licking your skin ever so slightly with his tongue. It pulled a gasp from you, one of your hands reaching up to run your fingers through his hair.

"Dean..." His name whimpered from your lips due to his mouth paying attention to a particular spot on the skin of your neck, "Kiss me again."

Your boldness pulled him from your neck, lust-blown eyes meeting yours again as that cheeky but sexy smile grew across his face.

"Gladly." One of his hands cupped your jaw, pressing his lips to yours again. The feeling stirred in your gut as his kisses filled you with enamor, one you didn't know was there until you pressed your lips further against his own. His fingers against your skin had goosebumps spreading across your skin like a wave.

"Now you really have to buy me that dinner..." you chuckled, Dean humming against your skin.

"Mmm... you're right. What kind of a man would I be if I didn't? Especially after kissing you in this hallway like a couple of teenagers.." Dean pulled away from your face, placing another kiss on your cheek. His palm cupped the same cheek he'd just kissed, the heat of your skin warming his hand.

"We will get through this hunt. And when it's over... it better be a damn good dinner."

You smiled at the green-eyed man before you, and when his eyes met yours, he smirked and nodded again.

"You bet it's gonna be. I am the classy type."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

As much as you wanted to stay pressed up against the older Winchester, making out like teenagers at a high school party, you pushed his chest off you and continued down the corridor in search of evidence.

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#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #supernatural fanfic #dean winchester fic #dean winchester fanfic #sam winchester #devnmonwrites #ryesff #dean x you #dean x y/n #dean winchester fanfiction

[angelsdean]

It's funny for me that fanon Sam is, following his time at Stanford, thee greatest of ally and defensor of human rights, while canonically college turns him into a judgemental snob - frowning upon winning money as a hunter, saving the prisoners, etc, etc (snobbish s1 Sammy my beloved !!!) (PS: also his alternative self in Lebanon XD)

no literallly. sam wanted to fit in so hard at stanford he drank some of the snobby rich kid kool-aid. and like, dissecting that is infinitely more interesting to me than perfect liberal and allyTM fanon sam. like i wanna know what sam's problem is sjdkfdfk. s1 does a great job of creating this dichotomy, esp in the very early eps, where dean represents the hunting world, the fringes of society, the outcasts and Other, and sam is coming out of this perfect idealized world that was college, where he absorbed some of those snobby ideals, as a way to reject his family / lifestyle (tho mostly as a way to reject JOHN and john's ideas of what sam's life should be). But then we see sam throughout those early episodes making choices that actively lead him further down the road of hunting, choices that have him rejecting "normal society" and choosing this journey, this quest, taking up the mantle and following john's path.

(there are lot of examples and maybe i'll make a post abt them all one day but one that always stands out to me is in 1x06 Skin, where the conflict is about the isolation of hunting vs the desire for community and connection to the outside world. it seems like dean is pro-cut ties with the world, but why? well, we later learn in 1x13 he tried to let an outsider into his world and cassie rejected him for it. but sam, at the start of the ep, is trying to have the best of both worlds. he thinks he can keep his outsider friends while still hunting. then by the end of the ep, his friend now knows all about hunting and wants to stay in touch. and sam shuts her out and says she probs won't hear from him anytime soon. and it's just so bonkers to me !! but he's making that choice, he's choosing hunting and slowly rejecting and cutting ties to his idealized stanford life.)

and he wants it, is the thing. he's on a one track mind: find john, find the demon, kill it and avenge jess and mary.

this got long-winded but anyway, i think all that s1 snobbery is SO crucial to sam's journey, it's important we see it, it's important we see where he was coming from, how stanford had begun to change and shape him in different ways, how stanford was symbolic of this total opposite to hunting, it's the snobby rich who don't care about the people on the fringes, it's studying LAW while holding beliefs that all people in prison are not "innocent" and a ghost killing them off isn't the biggest deal. and then dean + the hunting lifestyle is meant to be the juxtaposition to that. he's living on the fringes of society, he's Other. That's why the shifter in Skin identifies with dean so much, aside from the queer metaphors. The shifter choosing fresh-off-of-ivy-league sam would not make for the same kind of parallel, as much as sam has his psychic kid stuff going on, that's only barely begun at this point. He doesn't yet think he's a freak for being psychic or the demon blood stuff, he doesn't even know abt any of that. But paralleling the shifter with dean highlighted the isolating, othering nature of hunting, in an episode where the "brother conflict" was isolation vs community. And through the shifter we learn that dean didn't Want to be a hunter either. He had dreams, wanted friends. And sam hears all of this, and still at the end of the episode chooses to reject his friend's offer to keep in touch. Taking another step away from the idealized stanford life and another step down the path of hunting + his revenge quest. And it's so goddamn interesting and delicious and fascinating to me !!!! fanon sam could never

#canon sam is like. i rejected my family's lifestyle in a fit of teenage rebellion but now i want back in bc my gf died and i want revenge #classic hero's journey shenanigans and all that #while fanon sam is like. noooo my brother is dragging me back into hunting against my WILL !!!!!! #sam studies #mymeta #vics spn rewatch #replies

[pastorpresent]

You're little brother doesn't tell you but he loves you so.

[ Set in like season 14, where via some freak witch/angel/demon shit Sam is replaced temporarily with his twenty year old stanford freshman self. Not quite post hunting shit, because he was never quite post hunting shit from the second he was born, but post the truly awful. Post Jess burning on the ceiling, Dean going to hell, dying in his brothers arms, the cage, john dying, bobby dying, being a vessel, lucifer... ]

[a/n: I'm not a huge fan of this but I can't seem to write anything lately so it'll do!]

[ wincest/samdean]

It takes a few minutes for Dean to process the version of Sam sitting in front of him. The kid - because he is one here - is scowling hard, and even if his face hadn't changed at all Dean would've immediately recognised the don't give a shit attitude Sam had adopted through most of his teen years and into his early twenties.

Twenty year old Sam is currently sat across from him with a spell book that Castiel had provided.

Dean's mind was all over the place. It was weird, because in a lot of ways he was annoyingly unfamiliar with this version of Sam. Most of their interactions at this stage had been pointed, tense phone calls made to ensure the other hadn't gotten killed. Sam had been adamant about leaving and living a life, and Dean had been adamant about hating him for it.

His mind was also helpfully pointing out that he hadn't touched this version of Sam like he had his own.

Those type of interactions prior to Sam leaving had been rushed. A brief kiss in the back of the impala while John was in the gas station a few yards away. A messy blow job in the back of some dark alley, because Dean had almost got ganked in front of him and now Sam needed to be as close as possible. A sloppy hand job under bedsheets with John only a bed away, his hand clamped over Sam's mouth to stop any moans which might've gave them away.

After Sam left for stanford, the brief interactions stopped. They weren't seeing each other in person much at all, and when they did neither were at ease enough to initiate anything close to their rushed missions of exploration.

Their interactions now were different. They had time, and privacy, and a shared bedroom. He knew his version of Sam down to every freckle.

It was making him downright frustrated that he couldn't say the same for the incarnation in front of him.

At least it seemed Sam was out of sorts almost as much as he was. Dean had caught his eyes lingering a few times, scanning over all that was visible of Dean above the table. Whenever Dean would catch his eye, he would go back to scowling at the book.

The silence and their odd staring contest stretched on, until Dean couldn't stand it any more. He hated being on bad terms with Sam anyway, but he was all too aware of how prolific younger Sam had been at the damn silent treatment.

"Want a beer?"

Sam looked up, eyeing him like it was a trick question.

"Technically, I'm underage," he said, in what sounded dangerously close to a joke.

"You forget who found you shotgunning beers at a party when you were fourteen?" Dean quipped back.

Sam snorted, and some of the tension was pulled out the room as Dean brought two beers over.

Sam took a drink almost immediately, a tell to his nervousness even if he was trying to keep it under wraps.

"So I guess I don't become a lawyer, then."

Dean almost winces. Almost.

"I don't really know how this Freaky Friday crap works, so I think keeping future events secret is the best way to go. Don't want a step on a bug, cause world war three kinda scenario."

He misses Sam. His Sam. But then again, he had spent years missing this Sam too. The one who was safe at college, even if Dean pretended to loathe him for it.

Sam shrugs, and he's picking at the label of his beer.

"Castiel seems nice. You two seem... close," Sam ventures anyways, and Dean chokes on a mouthful of beer.

"No. Nope. Absolutely not," he croaks through a now sore throat.

"There's someone, though. I heard Castiel say something about your soulmate," Sam pushed, looking a little on the smug side.

"I only live here with you," Dean says slowly, trying to keep his tone even, and Sam frowns.

"Shouldn't you live with your so called 'soulmate'? They probably think it's weird you're still roomates with your brother," Sam responds.

"I do live with him," Dean finally manages, and Sam freezes up. He can practically see his mind working in over drive, and Dean clears his throat in the awkwardness of the room.

"We're..." Sam trails off, but he doesn't look disgusted like Dean expected. Rather just... curious, a glint in his eye, and he supposes that's the best reaction he was ever going to get.

"Sort of. Depends how much weight you put on that stuff, but according to the divine forces that be, yeah we are."

Dean remembers quite vividly when Cas had initially explained it to them both. He didn't really process it at first, too busy glancing over at Sam to gauge his reaction. He was never quite certain what that reaction was, though. Sam had kept his expression impressively blank - and they never discussed it afterwards in any sort of depth.

This version of Sam was different. This version of Sam didn't know he was the vessel to Satan. He still prayed silently late at night. He didn't understand that, in the grand scheme of things, angels were hardly any morally better than the things they hunted. He believed in a God that was good, and that the universe had destiny and purpose.

In that way, it was a lot easier to get a reading on this Sam's reaction to the revelation.

His face went from visibly shocked to something almost... relieved, and it was palpable in the air as his shoulders slumped and he sunk further into the chair.

"Soulmates. So, I guess I'm not just a giant freak," Dean might not of been as intimately familiar with this version of Sam, but he still knew him enough to disect what he was implying.

It was said as a joke but Dean could hear the slight choked admittance beneath.

"Yeah. It's Gods fault, we're destined to screw," Dean tossed out with a smirk, testing the ground a little as he took another drink.

Sam laughed, that lightweight real laugh that Dean hadn't heard in so long, and he smiled despite himself.

Sam continues to pick at the label of his beer as his laugh dies away, then stares at the table like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"Spit it out, Sammy," the brunette looks up, and winces a little at the nickname, and Dean curses himself for it.

"I miss you," he says quietly.

Dean wants to throw up. He wants to grab his past self and beat him senseless, because he was being selfish and stupid and he knows Sam needs him. It's the only thing he's ever knew for certain, and he knew it back then too.

"If it helps? That twenty five year old idiot misses you too. A lot. He just can't admit it."

Sam smiles a sad smile, and doesn't look convinced.

"He does. Look, I know there's... there's a lot, between you- us- both, back then. But he- I just have my head up my ass, and I was pissed and righteous and betrayed or whatever the hell else. I never stopped caring about you though, and that version of me would probably slap himself if he thought there was even a chance you thought that."

Sam sniffs, and finally looks up from the table.

"Thank you," he mumbles, but before he can continue Cas appears so suddenly Sam almost falls off his chair. Without explanation, Castiel reaches out and presses his fingers to Sam's forehead, and the brunette slumps onto the table.

"What the hell? Cas-"

"Quiet Dean. I'm trying to focus," Castiel snips, and Dean curses, moving to Sam's side and catching him before he falls to the floor.

"Can't I say goodbye first?"

Cas looks his way momentarily, brows furrowing for a second, before looking away entirely and shutting his eyes.

"No. He can't remain here any longer than necessary," Castiel says, and Dean wants to argue about it. He wants to fight back, but then the younger boy is dissapearing and being replaced by a much more familiar version.

Sam's head shoots up from the table, eyes searching and desperate, and Dean grips his shoulders and steers his eyeline to him.

"Dean?" Sam gasps out, and it's like he's still looking for something, and things click in Dean's head.

"I'm here, Sammy. I'm here," he confirms, and it seems to be the nickname that does it - because then he's got his arms full of baby brother as Sam clings to him.

Dean holds on a bit too tight in return, as if somehow it'll reach that twenty year old version of his brother who he did so wrong.

"He knows Dean. I- I know," Sam says softly, affirming, and that's what finally has Dean relaxing properly. He nods, eyes flickering to the beer left half full on the table.

#sam winchester #dean winchester #spn #sam and dean #samdean #sam/dean #samdean drabble #supernatural #mywriting #sorry this is short and a mess x

[hologramcowboy]

You're being unfair to Jensen by talking his show down like that, do you realize that a bunch of the things you are criticizing here were done 100% on purpose?

Yes everything and everyone feels a lot like Dean, duh because this is the John and Mary winchester story as told by Dean. But also you can't tell me you don't see Sam in John, come on! Is freaking canon that Sam and John are very a like and that's why they collide so much. Anyway, this show is esencialy about Dean, this is Dean reflecting on himself while telling this story.

Yes the romantic scenes feel way too cheesy like a soap opera, down to the music, and yes, John's infatuation with Mary feels odd and unjustified. But that's the freaking point! They are being forced together by divine intervention! How do you know this entire thing isn't a play put on by the Angels, just to manipulate them into falling in love.

You're missing all the fun because of your bitterness.

just relax and give Jensen a chance.

🤣🤣🤣The level of condescension in this post. Bitterness? Are you really that entitled that you think anyone who dislikes the prequel is bitter? I have too much training to ever consider the Winchesters anything more than a sad money grab executed while playing the SPN audience and that's exactly what it is.

Your assumptions about the plot make no sense as this show doesn't even follow canon and there have been no angels on the show. I gave Jensen three underserved chances and quite frankly, as a professional, he should be ashamed of the product he is putting out there. It dishonors the SPN legacy as well as his brand.

Dean reflecting on himself and telling his story? 🤣 So you recognize the only reason you are tuning in is because you hope this will turn into the Dean show?

BTW, you speak of Jensen as if you had a personal relationship with him, to me is just one of the supposed professional within an industry so I expect professional behavior and quality and I don't consider him at a personal level because he's no one to me. I reserve personal considerations for those truly dear to me not for c list celebrities. How about you ground yourself in your own reality before sending anon messages that make no sense? People are free to like/dislike anything they want and their preferences are not to be dictated by you, Jensen or anyone else for that matter. It's deluded to force everyone to like it over Jensen. If he would have cared about people liking it, he would have created something high quality. Don't you think? That's what committed, adult professionals do. Then again, you fail to even realize that this series was created to make money not to please obsessed Jensen fans. The only reason they are teasing SPN fans is precisely to keep them tuned in so they can gain off of them. Jensen knew very well the only way people would tune in and not let the show crash was if he included himself with the voiceovers. He also desperately needed to create himself a gig given the fact that he was proposed no other series as a lead. Try to look at things realistically and professionally and not in a cultish way as if Jensen guides your life or has any right to it.

#anti the winchesters #anti spn prequel

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e11 regarding dean (w. meredith glynn)

feeling the futility of this but let's go anyway

like waking up in the field in 11x01 but fluffier.

SAM All right, Dean, you know, uh, you had a good run, but maybe let's pump the brakes a little bit. I mean, you're not 20 anymore. Dean just stares at Sam for a moment. DEAN Okay, one, the Rat Pack partied till the day they died. And B, I can still kick your ass.

did paul reiser do 1) b) or a) 2) on mad about you? trying to find that on the internet um, challenging. was just plain watching an episode hoping to stumble into it. i seem to recall him doing 2 with his hand though in the L shape so maybe that. or was it he did 2 with his hand and said b? lol. anyway i do that reference occasionally most likely around no one that would get it, and likely the wrong version now too! rolling my eyes at myself

SAM All right. Well, I'm gonna go scope out the body. If you wanna spend some more alone time with, uh, your waffles…all right. Have fun.

realizing i've seen a number of gifs from this episode recently. the ordering sam waffles, a snippet later where he's clearly under the whammy

DEAN Well, I guess it's true what they say. Mo' money, mo' problems. Right?

would be cute if this is actually a thing of making a bunch of 90s references because his memory is all jacked up

this reminds me a little of swap meat maybe? where i had a hard time swallowing that dean wouldn't notice how weird sam was behaving earlier.

lol what i said apparently about that in 5x12: not in any universe, especially when sam has been possessed before, do i believe that dean winchester is not going to notice sam behaving so differently. you don’t get every demon, monster and psychiatrist within a 50 mile radius calling out your codependent relationship with your brother and not notice some bumbling teenager is behind the wheel of his body.

so anyway, when you continue to brush off the behavior with, he's just really hungover/still kinda drunk - when working a case dean randomly disappears while getting food --- and apparently sam is just hanging out waiting for him to call/show up until the next morning????

but sam's gonna let him drive even though he can't remember what key to use. sure, fine, whatever

so he goes to pick up some food and picks up a girl and stays out and that's within normal enough parameters sam doesn't freak out. ok

i'm being a grump about this and i don't like it. saw this bit about the durable inner thighs (which was about the mechanical bull i gather) post recently so hey context

this memory loss is very specific. wiping out his knowledge of hunting? which is most of his life. what's he left with. being happy i guess

DEAN Mm, your hair, it's all so bouncy. ROWENA Why, thank you. DEAN Mm-hmm. ROWENA Do we have to fix him? SAM Rowena. ROWENA Samuel.

what's rowena doing with his hand behind his back? anyway i've seen this in gif form and with rowena cropped out :p

SAM We're gonna sit you down right here. And, uh, yeah, go ahead. DEAN This like live Skinemax or…

okay what's all the more amusing about that is like, what, live skinemax as in rowena (... and sam?) getting naked? also skinemax another old 90s-esque reference. the live skinemax thing isn't in the script that's linked to the wiki (but i don't know if that's the final draft etc)

SAM You know, I've seen my brother die, but watching him become… not him… This might actually be worse.

then we're taking the memory loss very seriously with sam admitting how awful it is and this rather miserable to watch sequence of dean slowly forgetting things talking in the mirror. gonna try to make you cry in the middle here for no reason but play most of it for laughs

ROWENA But me, I've done horrible things, and I told myself it was fine. It was the price of power. And power's what matters, right? ROWENA Then I met God and his sister. The two most powerful beings in the universe, wasting it on squabbling with each other. I thought, if—if they can't be happy, or at least satisfied, how can there be any hope for me?

blah blah can tell him because he won't remember - but i'm having a hard time taking that at anything resembling face value. she's very good at what she does with rowena, but she pretty much always has the faux honesty thing going on so i assume she's basically always lying.

sam going over to force these witches to translate the spell or whatever is some really dumb plot thing. witches can do shit at a distance and there's more than one of them. whyyyy. (so rowena and dean can save the day apparently)

SAM You know, I gotta be honest. I was actually, uh, a little jealous at first. DEAN Of what? The curse that nearly killed me? SAM No, just, you know… some of the things we've done, we've had this weight for… forever. And seeing it gone, uh, you looked happy. DEAN Huh. Well, look, was it nice to drop our baggage? Yeah, maybe. Hell, probably. But it wasn't just the crap that got lost. I mean, it was everything. It was us, it was what we do, you know? All of it. So… that's what being happy looks like? I think I'll pass.

definitely don't want to lose "us"

100% don't understand this montage of clips intercut with the mechanical bull riding. sort of conceptually yes i've seen things like that done in shows but i don't get them choosing to do it here. maybe the only excuse they could come up with to have jackles on the bull for an extended period of time

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 12x11 #meredith glynn #sam and dean mush

[marlborodean]

here’s my analysis of a 14-yr-old supernatural episode

so remember that episode where sam fucked a werewolf? because he related to her unwilling monstrosity? well that episode is actually just about dean starting to come to grips with his childhood and his sexuality.

if you ship w/ncest do not interact. this post is not anti-sam either btw. 

content warning: discussions of childhood trauma, internalized homophobia, guns, killing. 

does include some images with Image Descriptions following them.

[ID: An over-the-shoulder close-up shot from the episode, focused on Madison, the werewolf, as she cries. Dean is standing behind her. They are both looking at Sam, whose shoulder is on the edge of the frame. End ID.]

Brief episode recap just in case u don’t remember. This ep is 2x17 “Heart.” Sam and Dean are hunting a werewolf. They discover that the woman they interviewed, Madison, is a werewolf (not THEE werewolf, but one of them). Sam develops a lil crush on her <3 I wrote the majority of this after watching it for the first time in almost SIX years, so i was just vibing the whole time UNTIL the last shot changed it all for me. So let me explain!

Three important points that i will refer back to:

1. The episode begins with Dean being excited to hunt a werewolf because "what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids."

2. Then the episode centers on Sam and his relationship with the werewolf woman and his own monstrosity: "[Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her."

3. BUT THEN the last shot of the episode is of Dean crying as music plays (see below for the specific lyrics) and then Dean jumps at the sound of the gunshot. That's it! That's the end of the episode!

[ID: For all three screencaps, Dean is looking torturously sad. Each one is zoomed a little bit closer to his face than the last. In the last image, Dean sheds a single man tear. The captioned lyrics for the first one say "Relax, child, you were there." The second says "but only didn't realize" and the third says "and you were scared." End ID]

Even though the story is supposed to be about Sam and his monstrosity, and partly about his relationship w/romance since this is the first person he’s slept with since Jess died (at least with what is shown on screen)...the Dean Sandwich tells us otherwise. We're supposed to be taking away something about DEAN here. Like, that's the whole purpose behind the last shot focusing solely on Dean instead of Sam who is AT THAT MOMENT, KILLING THE GIRL HE HAS FEELINGS FOR. It's literally a heartbreaking, devastating, super traumatic thing for Sam to be going through, but instead we're watching Dean as a single tear slides down his face lmao. It's because this episode is about DEAN, and furthering his story.

Let’s not queer this just yet. The death of the werewolf is about/representing his loss of innocence. It's a violent disconnect from his childhood. Point # 1 shows that he is fascinated by werewolves because since he was a kid he thought they were badass, not to mention all the werewolf films he references throughout. Then, through the music lyrics over that last scene, they mirror that theme of childhood. They’ve done this before, having the diegetic music directly reference what the characters are going through. No different here: Dean is the child they’re referring to.

I have to reiterate that that's the last thing we hear before the gunshot cuts the music short and then the cut to black. "You were scared" is the last thing we hear before the gunshot, as Dean cries. ALSO I have to reiterate that Dean was looking forward to killing a werewolf and shooting it himself. So it's super fascinating that, not only is Sam the one that kills the werewolf, WE DON’T EVEN SEE IT HAPPEN.

[ID: A medium-close shot of Dean as he looks at Sam, who takes up the right half of the frame. The caption says, “Sammy, I got this one. I’ll do it.” End ID.]

Am i gonna have to say this now? The werewolf is a metaphor, okay? It's a metaphor for his innocence, which is long-dead, forever doomed. I mean, a lot of kids love werewolves because they ARE badass! It's a classic monster that anyone could easily obsess over, and with Dean's childhood it must've seemed even cooler, knowing they're real and having the power to kill this "mythical" beast. So the way he's looking forward to killing one is the way a child imagines themselves as a hero.

But what happens instead is a tragic mercy killing. It's flipping his fantasy completely on its head, and it makes Dean realize that.....his fantasies are just fantasies. They aren't real, never would be. There's nothing heroic about killing this werewolf. It's tragic as hell. When he offers to kill her himself, it's just to relieve Sam's burden, but he's reluctant still. Because, as he keeps saying, he doesn't want to be a hunter! He doesn't want this life! He's tired of killing! And that's also what he's mourning as he cries and startles at the gunshot. His fantasies will never be real and his childhood could never have been normal and he never got a chance to be a kid because being a hunter was thrust on him at such a young age. And now it feels inescapable.

[ID: A gif of the slow zoom on Dean’s face as the single tears slips down his cheek. He jumps at the gunshot, then blinks and his lip wobbles. End ID.]

So now we can queer it :-) Of course all monster stories can be easily queered, but werewolves are popularly queered. The first example that comes to mind is An American Werewolf in London (1981) isn’t an overtly queer film (though it is Jewish!) but it’s definitely read that way by a lot of people!! Anyway the film was directed by John Landis which JUST SO HAPPENS to be the pseudonym Dean goes by in this episode. hmm. (Also, interestingly, the BTVS ep where the first gay character comes out references this film too)

[ID: Sam and Dean are standing close to each other. Sam is in the foreground, not in focus. Dean, behind him, says, “Landis. And Detective Dante.” End ID.]

There’s this essay about the queer werewolf that you can read here (and they also talk about fandom in it! very fascinating), where they say in the intro: “the werewolf seems an obvious choice as a queer monster with its identity-disrupting hybridity, as well as its atavistic, and, thus, disallowable sexuality.” A lot like Kristeva’s theory of the abject body! which is popular in queer theory. 

This episode is then queering Sam—his attraction to the werewolf makes him abject—but it also queers Dean thru the way his attitude towards the werewolf transforms (get it?) throughout the ep. His desire and eagerness to kill the werewolves is obviously ingrained in him from John’s parenting. Consider what he said in 2x03 “Bloodlust”: “And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them, I do.” In conjunction with the monsters in the show being seen as queer allegories (the gorgon, as an example of an explicit comparison), Dean’s excitement to kill the werewolf can be read as internalized homophobia and repressing any of his own feelings. 

Remember, though, right before that line in “Bloodlust,” he also said, “What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing?” He’s really beginning to question whether all monsters are bad, and what it means to kill them. Is he also questioning what he believes of queer people? What John believed of queer people? The loss of innocence and queering both slot together through that final shot, imo: he’s crying because he realizes his fantasies aren’t real, but he’s also mourning the fact that he never could have had the chance to grow up without John’s control, and now it’s forever tainted his worldview. What else could he have been without that? (The answer is evident in 4x17 “It’s a Terrible Life.”)

Dean was taught to hate queer people but he doesn't want to. He wants to get out of the life but it feels inescapable. He wants to kill a werewolf and then when he has the chance, he doesn't want to. He actually cries as it's killed. It scares him, having to confront that what he thought he knew was wrong, but he knows all the same that he’ll never have the chance to have grown up without that. 

#is anyone up? anyone wanna read this? i finished this instead of doing homework #sorry the end is bad LMAO i'm notoriously bad at writing conclusions #also i want to say that the monster allegories in SPN more often have to do with race and not homophobia. but this episode sticks out to me #as representing queerness instead of race. especially because they set it up as compared to Sam's story which is SO queer. #spn #what do i tag this #ej.pdf #supernatural #bi dean #my professors would give me a bad grade on this #portfolio

[insertdeeplyrics]

On the ending of Supernatural

Hi, I’ve never actually posted anything on Tumblr of my own creation (I mostly reblog stuff), but I’ve just seen the ending of Supernatural, and given that this is where I’ve been fed my SPN content, it felt right to share my thoughts here. I’m sure nobody is going to read this, but whatever, I just need to get this out of my chest. Sorry in advance if this is too long, but I have to type this out if I want to move on.

I still need to take some time to process everything that’s happened, because it is a lot. I did have my hopes up for the finale, thinking that Cas would at least show up, but like many of the fans, I was let down.

So I guess that would be the first issue I had with the episode. Regardless of what Dean felt towards Cas, if he reciprocated his feelings or not (which he totally did, I mean, we have all been watching the same show for 12 fucking years, and if you don’t believe me, there are plenty of metas that would support this statement), he still is his best friend and it doesn’t sit right with me the fact that he doesn’t even try to find a way to rescue Cas from the Empty. And okay, maybe he didn’t, make Cas got resurrected by Jack, then why the hell wasn’t he on the final episode? He was a pivotal character for the series, I mean, the proof is in the ratings: Season 7, when he was killed off to apparently never return, the ratings were at their lowest. The show may have started as just Dean and Sam, but over the years it became much bigger than them, and it is so disappointing that the show runners failed to acknowledge it. But I’ll get back to this point later.

Okay, I need to talk about Dean’s death, the only part of the episode that made me cry, because my poor baby had to suffer so much! Like, when he started saying that Sam never put up with John’s crap (which reinforces my headcanon that John was abusive towards the boys) and how much he admired him for it, my heart just shattered. I just love Dean Winchester so freaking much, and they did him so dirty... Don’t get me wrong, Jensen and Jared’s acting was 10/10, like, I thought I had a grip of myself and then Sam started crying and tears came back to my eyes. Nonetheless, I felt that the scene was so freaking long! I mean, Dean was dying, and he had time to make a 10 minutes-long speech! C’mon! Also, I get that Sam and Dean’s relationship is quite deep and strong and whatever, but I felt a bit unconformable watching it: it didn’t feel like a brotherly goodbye, more like a lover’s one. They were too touchy and intimate, and, overall, their relationship from this point on was coded as a romantic one, in my opinion. And Chuck, did I hate it! I have an older brother and I know what it is like to be close to your sibling and to love him more than anything else in the world, but the way they portrayed their relationship on this last episode felt incest-y, which makes me believe that this scene was originally written with another character in mind (cough CAS cough) or the writers don’t know the difference between romantic and brotherly love. To finish off, the way they killed off Dean??? I mean, I did expect Dean to die, but this was such a horrible and ridiculous way to go... I would have accepted it if he died actually fighting, but impaled??? After all he’s been through, after fighting so many demons, angels and deities, that’s how he dies??? That just felt cheap and rushed. Dean did not deserve that ending and I refuse to accept it. In fact, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this whole fucking mess of an episode. Also, I just can’t believe that no one showed up to Dean’s funeral. I just can’t. I get that maybe it was difficult to bring in a lot of actors due to the pandemic, but they could have added them on post-production...

Next, we have Sam’s ending. He quits hunting and finally obtains his white-picket fence life. I did like the fact that he honored all of his friends and family that he lost along the way, especially Dean. Like, yes, if my brother died, I would like to keep a token (don’t know if that’s the actual word for it, my first language is not English), to have something with me that reminded me of him and to have him with me wherever I go. And I did like that he named his son Dean, in honor of his brother. However, we don’t know how he met his wife, we don’t even know who she is. They set up Sameileen for what?? Like, Sam and Eileen deserved better, tbh. And, again, even with Covid restrictions they could have done something to signal that Sam got married to Eileen, you don’t need the actor there. In fact, we never actually found out what happened to her, and just like I can’t believe that Dean didn’t even try to save Cas from the Empty, I can’t believe that Sam didn’t reach out to Eileen. Furthermore, the montage with his son felt cheap and a way to try to appeal to the audience’s emotions... (Btw, as a side note, the grey wig and the glasses, my god, they did Jared dirty 😂😂). But it wasn’t doing it for me, I didn’t care much for the kid, and while I do believe that was always going to be Sam’s ending, I didn’t like how it was executed.

And the worst part of it all: that suuuuuper long scene with Dean driving in Heaven, waiting for Sam. They could have used that time to show something more meaningful, even to develop a bit more Sam’s new life, how he adjusted to domesticity and fatherhood and all that crap. Or, I don’t know, A TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 REUNION??? And I guess this is my biggest issue with the whole episode. I get it, Sam and Dean are the central characters, the ones that started it all, but family don’t end with blood, and they were not the only ones who deserved a goodbye. They had formed so many bonds and friendships over the years, and to not have them address them on the final episode just feels infuriating. Especially Cas. His arc was not finished, he deserved to be on the finale. We never got Dean’s reaction to his confession, we don’t know how he felt about him, nor did Cas get to say goodbye to any other character. How did he get out of the Empty? What is he doing now? Is he still an angel? Also, he gave his life to save Dean, only for Dean to be killed not long after. My headcanon that is helping me cope with Dean’s death is thinking that he was so quick to accept his death because he was hoping to reunite in Heaven with Castiel. A girl can dream, ok??? But also, what about Jack? He is the new God, but I highly doubt it that he won’t drop by the Bunker from time to time, after all, Sam and Dean (AND CAS, ESPECIALLY CAS) raised him. And Charlie? Did she get back with Stevie? Did she and the boys go for drinks from time to time? And Jody? Donna? Claire? Sorry to be so repetitive, but I just can’t understand why the writers thought that these characters weren’t important enough to deserve a spot on the finale, and not just an off-hand mention (and not even all of them got that). Of course, the brothers are the main characters and their goodbye must be the longest and the most emotional of them all, but like I said before, the show stopped being just about the Winchesters on season 3, when Bobby was first introduced, maybe even 4, with Cas.

Overall, the finale left a lot of questions unanswered, most of them regarding secondary characters (but not less important for that!), completely destroyed Sam and Dean’s character development (Dean never got to be free, like he had been fighting for all season, probably all his life; Sam’s development is non-existing, as he ended up as he would’ve if he never had gotten on that hunting trip with Dean 15 years ago), and completely disregarded all the themes they had been setting up this season, probably on previous ones as well. It is sad knowing that the writers, either don’t know the show good enough to give it a proper goodbye, or they just didn’t care to do so. I don’t know who’s to blame here (definitely not the actors, though, probably someone higher up the chain), but I just know that I am so fucking disappointed. I expected more from the last episode of a 15-season TV show, one that has been part of my life for 7 years. I guess, that despite all of it, I can’t hate Supernatural. Maybe I was not a hardcore fan like some people on this site, but I did care for the characters and what happened to them. This is the show that introduced me to the world of shipping (Destiel will always hold a special place in my heart, it doesn’t matter how badly their relationship was treated, as well as the characters) and I got to discover one of my favorite characters, Dean Winchester. He is just such so complex, one that I relate to on so many levels, and his relationship with Cas has been the source of many short stories that I’ve never posted anywhere, but that have made me take up writing again. That’s the reason why I love the show so much, it has helped me tap into my creativeness and go back to writing, a passion of mine that I seem to have forgotten over the years. Anyways, maybe one day I’ll publish some of those stories, and maybe even write my own fix-it fanfic, but right now, I can’t deal with anything that has to do with the show, I am too hurt. Maybe once the five stages of grief are over, I might give it a try and read all of the amazing codas and fanfics that I’m sure will be posted here or on AO3. But for now, Supernatural is dead and gone, and I don’t want to talk nor think about it anymore. I’m done wasting my time here, because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing this past 7 years after watching this crap of a finale.

To finish this long rant off, I just want to say thank you to some meta-writers, the true heroes of the fandom. Thanks to them, I carried on watching the show, because they made me have hope that things will get better. They are the ones that have made this experience worth something, and even though I’ve never spoken to any of them, I see you and I love you. Thanks for everything ❤. 

@tinkdw @charlie-minion @dotthings @heliodean @verobatto-angelxhunter @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover

#supernatural #spn s15 #spn #carry on #destiel #supernatural finale #personal rant #dean is bi #dean winchester #sam winchester #disappointed #dean winchester deserved better #destiel forever #jack also deserved better #every fucking character deserved better #character development who? don't know her #castiel #spn spoilers #spn 15x20

[valleydean]

Love love your fics! I especially love your characterization of Dean, Cas and Sam. I feel like even when I’m reading an AU of yours it’s them. And this is something I struggle with, any advice for getting there characters down?

omg thank you!! that means so much to me!

and i mean... hmm. is there like, a specific example you need help with? i'm just like - you've engaged with these characters every day for X amount of years. these are people you know intimately! so i kinda feel like going with your gut is generally the best rule of thumb. tbh i don't really know how to point to one specific way to get their characters down, especially because they're so realistic and they've changed and progressed and backtracked so many times throughout the show, like real people do!

i can help you with cas but i can't take credit for this because it's a post i saw ages ago that really stuck with me. it was like, "the three things you have to remember about cas are this: 1. he's been lobotomized an untold number of times to the point where he's forgotten huge chunks of his own life. 2. the last time he was on earth, it was in the body of a woman in the victorian era. 3. the very first emotion he ever experienced was overwhelming romantic love." and like !!! that's it! i feel like, if you remember those three things about him, you're set. that text post really did change my life and i wish i had the link to it. but anyway, yeah, he's also changed so much over the course of the show, that i kinda feel like you can pick what version of him you want and it'll still read as authentic. like, he has the range!! and i also think it's important to remember that...... it's not really so much feelings and emotion that drive him, but it's want. i feel like he just wants and wants and desires and craves but he doesn't know what for. he's just kinda never satisfied. whether its his want to be an angel or to be among the humans or to fit in somewhere or to do the right thing or to prove his worth or to not have to prove his worth and just be accepted, and on and on. he very much wants things.

also, i just remembered another text post that was like "sam is a normal person who is actually a freak and dean and cas are freaks who are actually normal." and i think that's also very true. again, i can't take credit for that. but it's very true because sam just strikes you as this normal, everyday dude but then he'll do something absolutely batshit insane like bite off his wrist to draw a blood sigil. and then dean and cas are guys you'd never wanna run into but dean is on a first-name basis with the lady at the post office and the guy at the liquor store and cas is a dad who lets his kid beat him at connect four, and they watch movies together and stay up at night to talk and drink whiskey in a quiet corner of their home. so, there's that.

but idk! it's very hard to sum up entire people lmao. i think i need specific examples or instances of what you're looking for. i actually have a lot of trouble with sam because i understand him but i don't think like him, so i kinda have to feel him out and see what sticks. dean comes naturally to me because i think exactly like him and i actually just kinda write what i'd do or how i'd react in a situation lol. and cas is pretty interesting because i don't think anyone is exactly like him, but he has within him the base and raw traits that make every human who they are to the core of them. yeah. this got very long-winded! a very long way to say "idk how to generally help you" lmaoo. but !!! if you have specific questions, i'm happy to take a look!

one addition: about dean. no matter what he does, he throws himself into it. like, he does everything with his whole heart. larping, learning about a specific topic, movies, hunting, friendship, being a caregiver. he half-asses nothing.

#irish-lullaby #ask

[katsidhe]

How about Family Matters for the SPN reviews? I'd love your take on some SoullessSam.

I took a sabbatical from these for the end of s15, but now I’m Back. Here we go!

6.07 Final Thoughts

I love early season 6 as a meditation on the ways that Sam is present when he is absent, and absent when he is present. Making Sam objectively, provably Not Himself does some lovely and horrific things to drag the ways he has been forced and forces himself to fit certain molds into the light. 

We open on Sam, whom Dean has beaten bloody and unconscious and tied to a chair, for the crime of—*checks notes*—saying he feels there’s something wrong with him, and that he needs help. Boy, I sure do wonder why Sam was reticent. A mystery. 

Okay, but actually, those aren’t Dean’s reasons. Because he went way overboard. Sam was not a physical threat to him. Dean was certainly upset about the you-let-me-get-vamped thing, but he wasn’t overcome with rage over it. This was not 4.21, or 4.04, or any time that Dean has lashed out at Sam in anger or desperation or because Sam was fighting back. In fact, this wasn’t Dean lashing out at Sam at all: Dean is cold, Dean is putting down a threat. Dean beat Soulless!Sam unconscious precisely because he was not Sam enough. Dean is lashing out at the unbearable possibility that the Cage might have changed Sam, indelibly, forever, to be someone that Dean won’t recognize. And that implicit degree of judgment is utterly terrifying. 

Lies and honesty in season 6... it’s a whole thing, webs within webs, really. Cas will later be excoriated for hiding his deal with Crowley from Dean and Sam. Both Samuel and Cas are lying to Sam for the whole season about who rescued Sam, and Crowley is lying to them both in turn. But the fact that Sam literally didn’t know what was wrong with him or how he escaped Hell but was expected to confess anyway, along with the way Cas and Dean stand there discussing Sam’s status and diagnosis over his head, is an excellent illustration of the way that lies to and lies about Sam are treated. 

Also, Cas, entering the brunt of his woes post-s6: the way that Dean and Sam, and especially Dean, take his assistance and his involvement for granted. He’s been inducted into the family, and he’s glimpsed the utter loyalty demanded, but now those demands will really start to kick in. “Your problems always come first.” lmao

Soulless!Sam is remarkably cooperative! He relies on a tactic that mid-seasons Sam uses actually quite a lot to win over Dean: persuasion via self abasement. (I’m the least of any of you, I know I’m a freak, I know I  messed up)… it’s appeasement, full-throttle. “I’m sorry, Dean, I won’t do it again,” he says, with admirably well-leashed insincerity. 

It’s so obviously, delightfully performative. It makes me think about 15.17, and other times in late seasons, when Sam is relying on these tried-and-true tactics to talk Dean down. How much of that is performative? How much does Sam truly believe? How much does Sam believe in spirit but not in word? The potential for dishonesty and slant truth is fascinating. 

Soul (or lack of soul) touching!!!! Cas didn’t even heal Sam’s face first, because he knew we wanted to see him all bloody :) 

The treatment of Family also gets a good shake-over in season 6, with the introduction of the Campbells. Dean’s open hostility towards the Campbells is unsurprising; he’s threatened, he’s suspicious, and it reminds me of how Dean felt when he discovered Adam in 4.19. 

And yet Dean uses a similar tactic on Samuel as Soulless Sam is using on him—offering trust in the hope that it’s returned. “You call the plays,” he says, apparently without any sense of irony. 

Dean accuses Sam of having “no instincts.” And that’s--both true, and precisely untrue. Sam able to figure out every kind of cue this episode quickly and keenly, not by empathy, but through observation. Also ironically, Sam’s ease with following Samuel’s orders is so close to Dean’s sense of instinct, as he would have defined it pre-series! Do what Dad asks, because he’s family: you can really see Sam’s confusion when Dean isn’t on board with that. 

I think we should appreciate how baffling the back and forth in Family (tm) is for Soulless!Sam. He set himself up to follow the Rules as he understood them: save people, hunt things, obey Dad Grandad, only for the goalposts to move. 

What’s interesting here is, as Soulless says himself, he doesn’t actually need to stick around with Dean. He could have left. Reasonably, around the time that Dean gives him the “I drive the bus, I call the shots” speech, he should have been out of there. We are supposed to feel disappointment at the prospect that they broke up but I mean goddamn, who wouldn’t run from that ultimatum. The real twist is that he decides to stick it out.

I love the brief flash of genuine fear Soulless shows when Crowley threatens to throw him back into the Cage. 

Soulless!Sam is still so fundamentally his own person, even when he’s allowing himself to be led around by the nose by Dean. And yet… he’s just as compromised as Sam is. He’s got that fear of being swallowed up, by Hell or by Dean. Being twisted into something he is not, being forced to fit a shape he can’t survive: that’s the point at which he’ll fight back. But up until then? He’ll stretch himself quite agreeably to meet expectations. He’ll fit himself into the imposed mold without complaint, whether it’s Samuel’s or Dean’s, and he’ll feel a real sense of relief to have that structure. 

Unlike many other soulless people we’ve seen, Soulless!Sam doesn’t operate at all on id. Rather, he reads to me as the precise opposite: ego and superego run wild. He places too much weight on divining and acting according to what his tiny society thinks is acceptable. All his survival drive is bent towards consequence, towards the judgment of pragmatic outcomes, rather that what he’d like in the moment. He doesn’t mind hurting or subsuming himself temporarily to gain a later advantage. He feels safest when fulfilling expectations, both practical and moral. He’s built himself a scaffold to support whatever it is he knows he's become, and he uses it to defend himself against the guilt and failure and agony that he remembers, that he’s desperate not to return to. 

“This family—this is it for me now,” says Soulless!Sam to Samuel, and even though he’s lying, I think he’s telling the truth. 

#thanks for the ask! #6.07 #sam and soullessness #sam and dean #this is a really really good soulless episode #the number of compromises soulless sam is willing to make is staggering #denugis #4.19 #15.17 #final thoughts

[goldenraeofsun]

Remember Me, Honeybee

Part I

Two hours into the farmers market, and Dean’s had enough. Even the gorgeous day outside, sunlight streaming down from a cloudless sky, does nothing for him.

Next to him in their produce stall, Sam rearranges their vegetable display with all the intensity of Bobby Fischer facing off against the Soviets. He adjusts an eggplant a few inches to the left, eyes it critically, and moves it back where it was.

Yesterday, Dean got sunburned from too many hours in the sun harvesting. But before he could even think about a shower, a visitor pounded on their door because some neighbor ratted them out to local Fish and Wildlife. So on top of dealing with a peeling forehead and an aching back, Dean had to take care of Ms. Rosen nearly breaking and entering to get at Sam or his watercress - she wasn’t really clear on which was her priority.

Sam, the cowardly sasquatch, bolted the moment her car tires pulled up to their farm.

It took an hour to get Ms. Rosen to leave. First, Dean had to show her Sam’s pet watercress plants at the edge of their property. According to Ms. Rosen, they’re an invasive species, which Sam could’ve mentioned to Dean at some point. Then, Ms. Rosen explained the $150 fine - all the while heavily implying she could dock a few bucks if left alone in a room with Sam.

Dean forked over the money. Sam’s virtue got to live to see another day.

At least Becky gave Dean plenty of blackmail material. If Sam pisses him off one more time, guess who’s getting Sam’s phone number faxed straight to her field office?

Dean was looking forward to sharing the whole story with Cas when they pulled up to the farmer’s market that morning. But his favorite beekeeper, potter, and candlestick maker is notably absent again.

As Hannah steps away from her stall to replenish her display, Dean seizes his chance. “Be right back,” he calls to Sam as he darts out behind their table.

When she catches sight of him, Hannah turns her back to lift a crate of soaps that would’ve left Dean sore for days. Goddamn angel strength.

“I may be a dumb human,” Dean starts, “but even I know that angels don’t get sick.” His voice drips with disdain. “Where’s Cas? The real reason, this time. Not that BS you fed me last week.”

Hannah sighs, her normally refined tawny wings fluttering in barely-concealed agitation. “He’s… indisposed.”

Dean folds his arms over his chest. “Cas has been here, rain or shine, every market for two whole friggin’ years. Is he,” he forces out the words, dread trickling down his spine, “dying or something?”

“No.” Hannah shakes her head. “He’s not mortally ill. He’s just indisposed.”

Dean gawks at her. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You have customers,” Hannah says shortly.

Dean waves off a soccer mom armed with a bushel of kale and a hungry leer. “Sam’s handling the orders.” He points at the line in front of Sam, and the lady walks off in a huff.

“Is that right?” Hannah asks innocently once Dean’s attention darts back to her.

“Cut the crap,” Dean says sharply. “Why hasn’t Cas shown for the past two weeks? The real reason. None of that indisposed bullshit.”

Hannah sighs. “You’re keeping me from my own customers.”

Dean raises his eyebrows. “So you’d better talk fast.”

Hannah makes a face like she smelled Sam’s post-Chipotle farts. “Castiel was cursed.”

“What?”

“Keep it down,” Hannah hisses, leaning in. “He - well, it’s a long story. Our cousin, an archangel, cursed him.”

“For fuck’s sake, why?”

Hannah’s lips purse. “Gabriel has been very hard to contact for the details. He apparently thought Castiel was moping too loudly or too frequently. ”

“Moping?” Dean echoes, his brow furrowing. “Cas always seemed fine to me.”

Hannah shrugs. “Ask Gabriel. Now, if you don’t mind,” she lifts her nose into the air, wings straightening, “I have customers.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean retreats to his vegetable stand, his head swimming.

Dean never saw himself as a farmer until his health nut little brother decided to ditch his high-paying (and stressful) lawyer job to play Green Acres, and Dean, naturally, followed since there was no goddamn way Sam knew his way around a tractor. Sam was more likely to mow down his own gigantor foot than move a clod of dirt. Luckily, to Dean, an engine’s an engine.

At the farmers market, Sam’s booth was placed next to Cas’s. On their first day, Cas walked over with a complimentary jar of honey. He was stilted and awkward, sure, but he was also the first one to welcome them into the fold.

Lost in thoughts and worries about Cas, Dean almost gives a customer a twenty dollar bill instead of a one, blanks on when their summer squash will be in season, and accidentally rings up asparagus as broccoli.

“Look,” Sam says after apologizing for Dean’s latest mistake, “why don’t you head back and check on the tomatoes? It’s winding down here.”

Dean dubiously eyes the hubbub of people browsing vegetables.

Sam gives him a light shove towards their truck. “Just go. I know you don’t want to be here, anyway.”

Dean grimaces. “It’s that obvious?”

“To everyone and their grandmother,” Sam says under his breath.

Asparagus Man at the front of the line nods gravely.

“Thanks,” Dean says sourly to both of them.

“Go check on Cas,” Sam says as he gestures for the next customer to step up to the register. “Swing by and pick me up in a few hours.”

* * *

At the foot of the unpaved driveway up to Cas’s house, Dean cuts the engine. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel, debating with himself. Cas might not want visitors.

But Dean brought pie.

Homemade, of course. And if it was supposed to celebrate Sam’s birthday tomorrow, what Cas doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Sam likes cake better, anyway, because he’s a freak.

Dean grabs the pie, shoves open the door, and strides up the dirt road to Cas’s house before he can talk himself out of it for good.

This is what you do for sick friends, anyway. Charlie drove all the way up to the city with chicken noodle soup, Settlers of Catan, and prime gossip on Benny’s on-and-off-again thing with Andrea when Dean had the flu a few years ago.

Dean is just being a good friend. It’s not weird.

He knocks on Cas’s cobalt blue door, his heart beating double-time behind his ribs as the seconds wear on with no answer.

Dean dawdles on Cas’s welcome mat. He tries again. Cas’s house isn’t exactly small, with its pottery studio in the basement and wax room in the back. Cas might be in his nest, on the can, or in his garden by the hives. Hell, with this mysterious curse, Cas might not be home at all - but stuck in some angel hospital being poked and prodded by docs. He probably should have squeezed Hannah for more details.

The door opens as Dean contemplates, for the hundredth time, bailing with his tail between his legs.

“Hello?” Cas says, peering curiously at Dean.

“Cas,” Dean says, relieved. From one cursory look, Cas seems normal. His hair’s fucked up, of course. His dark wings are equally unkempt, feathers sticking out every which way. All typical Cas.

Cas blinks. His mouth opens, closes, and opens again. But no sound comes out.

“You’re up,” Dean says stupidly. Of course Cas is up, or he wouldn’t have been able to answer the damn door. Dean shifts his weight to his other foot. “Hannah mentioned you’d, uh, been cursed,” he says awkwardly.

Cas relaxes a fraction. “Ah, yes, I was.”

Dean gives Cas another once-over. “I just found out this morning, so I thought I’d stop by. Bring pie." He holds up the pie as evidence. "See how you are. But you look good.”

Cas squints at him, his head tilting. “Thank you?” he asks like he had a half-dozen responses in his head and chose that one at random.

“No prob.”

Cas’s gaze darts down to the pie in Dean’s hands for the first time. “Would you like to come in?”

Dean grins. “Yeah,” he says, stepping inside. “I’ll take this to the kitchen. I’m starving. Do you wanna eat it now?”

Cas gestures him forward. “This way.”

Dean throws him a funny look but follows him to the kitchen he’s been in about a hundred times before - for Cas’s annual Spring Equinox party, for a handful of dinners with other farmers in the area, for water breaks in between weeding Cas’s bee-friendly garden.

Afternoon sunlight from the beautiful day outside streams through the large windows that overlook the back porch and garden. It illuminates the kitchen table, absolutely covered with what looks like all of Cas’s beekeeping books.

Dean clears enough space for pie and strides over to the drawer for the baking utensils, saying over his shoulder, “I hope you’re hungry.”

When Cas doesn’t answer, Dean hastily turns back around - only to find himself practically nose-to-nose with Cas.

Dean takes an instinctive step backwards, his ass smacking the drawer closed again. “Dude,” he says in a strangled voice. His heart pounds in his chest at the close proximity and intense look in Cas’s eye. “We talked about this. Personal space.”

Cas retreats, his brow furrowing. “My apologies,” he mumbles. “I must have misread the situation.”

“I - yeah - I guess,” Dean stutters as he grabs plates and stacks two forks on top.

Cas falls heavily into a seat at the kitchen table. Silently, he moves enough books around for them to sit and eat.

Dean eyes the haphazard piles as he takes his own seat. “D’you have a problem with one of the hives or something?”

Cas shakes his head. “I don’t think so,” he says, his brow furrowing. “But it’s hard to tell.”

Dean snorts as he cuts them both slices. “I thought you knew everything about bees.”

Cas shoots him a dour look. “I did,” he says pointedly.

“Did?”

Cas fusses with a pamphlet on colony collapse. “I’m trying to catch up, but there is a lot of information to learn.”

Dean frowns. “Catch up to what?”

“To where I was,” Cas says, head tilting.

Dean sets the pie server down to focus on Cas, since he’s not making any goddamn sense. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Cas looks at him like Dean’s the one who lost his mind. “I don’t remember how to take care of them.” After a beat, he clarifies, “The bees. I’ve spent the better part of two weeks relearning how to maintain the hives, harvest honey, check if there is enough honey to harvest...” he drifts off, looking more than a little lost.

Dean blinks. “That’s the curse?” He grimaces as he forks off a generous corner of pie. “Dick move on Gabriel’s part. That’s your goddamn livelihood.”

Cas tilts his head, eyes narrowing. “He didn’t just make me forget the bees.”

Dean chews at Cas thoughtfully. “What else? Please tell me you forgot that time with the goat and a hooker.”

Cas stares at him. “I don’t remember anything.”

Dean’s next bite of pie freezes halfway to his mouth. “What do you mean anything?” he demands.

“I didn’t think it needed explaining,” Cas says waspishly, as all the pieces finally fall into place for Dean. “I thought Hannah told you about it.” His feathers rustle against the back of his chair.

“Hannah only said you were cursed!” Dean flails, “Not that you have goddamned amnesia. Do you know what pie is? Do you know who I am?”

Cas blinks, a little taken aback by Dean’s reaction. “I retain my general knowledge. I know what pie is,” he says. “I don’t remember eating it, but I know it is meat or fruit wrapped in pastry.”

“Oh my god.”

Cas’s gaze falls to the uneaten pie in front of him. “And, no, I don’t know who you are.”

Dean blinks, all the blood draining from his face. He forces out, “You’re serious.”

“I’d hardly joke with a stranger,” Cas says frankly.

Dean lets his fork drop back to the plate with a clatter.

Cas peers at him curiously. “The curse erased all my personal memories, but I was assuming we were friends, is this right? You know your way around my house, and Hannah wouldn’t have divulged my condition to just anyone.”

“Yeah,” Dean says gruffly, “we’re friends. I - my brother and me, we have a stand next to yours at the farmer’s market.”

“Oh,” Cas says. “Work colleagues, then.”

Dean snorts. “A little more than that.”

Cas bites his lip. “But you told me to respect your personal space. If we were -”

“Woah!” Dean cuts in before Memento can come up with any more bright ideas, “We’re close friends, alright?” he says before Cas can get another word out, “But not… like that.”

Dean doesn’t even know if Cas goes for humans. Most angels don’t. Cas never mentioned any romantic partners, and Dean never pressed. Better to keep that box locked up tight. Cas never shied away from giving his opinion to Dean or anyone else. He’s the most blunt, sincere person Dean knows - angel or human.

If he felt anything for Dean - the barest speck of more-than-friendly feelings, he’d have said something.

“Oh,” Cas says, and, behind him, his wings droop the smallest fraction.

Dean scans the table and pushes Cas’s worn copy of The How-To-Do-It Book of Bee-Keeping by Richard Taylor his way. “Test me.”

“What?”

Dean shovels more pie into his mouth. “As’ me anyfin’,” he mumbles.

Bemused, Cas opens the book to a random page. “How do you use a bee escape?” he reads aloud.

“Do you know what they are?” At Cas’s headshake, Dean holds his fingers about three inches apart, “They’re little plastic doodads with little bee-sized holes in the middle. You slide ‘em in the hive right before you’re about to harvest. Once they’re fitted, you smoke out the bees, one comb at a time. Once they’re out of the way, you can scrape off the honey.”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Do you also keep bees?”

Dean can’t help his loud laugh. “God no,” he says as he closes his mouth around another bite of pie. “I’m just a farmer. But I’ve helped you out a few times.”

At least twice a month since Dean moved to this corner of semi-rural America, but who’s counting. Honey is only harvested once a year, but Cas can always use an extra set of hands in his garden. Or around the house. Dean’s worked off more than one argument with Sam by kneading clay in Cas’s pottery studio basement.

“So you know all this from me,” Cas says dubiously.

“Sure do,” Dean says, smacking his lips as he debates another slice of Cas’s get-well-soon pie. “You’re a good teacher, and once you get on a roll about the bees, it’s kinda hard to shut you up.”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t be,” Dean says as he cuts himself another (smallish) slice. “I look hot in a beekeeper suit, anyway.”

Cas frowns, confused. “Do most humans find baggy coveralls and heavy veils sexually appealing?”

Dean snorts. “That was a joke.”

Dean doesn’t mention that he finds the beekeeper getup hot as hell as long as it’s Cas wearing it.

It’s just - Cas doesn’t usually bother with the veil since he likes to have a full range of vision when caring for his bees. Dean once let a whole comb drop on his foot at the sight of Cas bent over, wholly concentrated on the hive, a barely-there smile hidden in the corners of his mouth. His blue eyes were luminous in the bright sunlight, and every few seconds he would lick his lips, probably to wipe away the beads of sweat gathering on his upper lip.

“Oh,” Cas says, a faint blush touching his cheeks. His gaze drops to his plate, and his wings sag behind him.

Dean mentally kicks himself. Cas might still have all a whole encyclopedia shoved in his brain, but jokes will fly right over his head like so many of Cas’s precious bees. Since Dean started hanging around, he had been getting better with the jokes and references, but Total Recall Cas got that goddamn factory reset, so Dean has to cool it for now.

“Forget it,” he tells Cas. “I’m an asshole.”

Cas squints across the table at him. “You are not.”

“Huh?”

Cas carefully spears off a bit of pie. “You came by to check on me, offer me food,” he slips his fork into his mouth, eyes closing as he savors the tart cherries and buttery pastry, “stay and talk.”

“I, mean, yeah,” Dean says, wrongfooted, “we’re friends. ‘S the least I could do.”

Cas has another bite. “This is really good.”

“Thanks,” Dean says before he crams the rest of his slice into his mouth. He studies Cas as they both eat, an uncomfortable foreboding settling deep in his stomach. Now he sees it, how Cas doesn’t look at him with any familiarity. It’s more like, to Cas, Dean is some fucked up jigsaw puzzle slash zoo animal. Eventually, Dean has to ask, “Are you going to get your memories back?”

Cas shakes his head, his expression hardening. “I’m not sure.”

Dean’s mouth falls open. “Are you serious?” He braces both elbows on the table. “But you were cursed - there’s gotta be a way to break it. That’s how curses work, right?”

Cas exhales a slow sigh. “Gabriel did say there was a way to break it.”

“And you haven’t yet?” Dean demands, almost offended on Cas’s - his Cas’s - behalf. “You’re okay forgetting your whole life?”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Are you insane?” he hisses, his feathers puffing up like an angry cat. “Of course I am not ‘okay,’” he says, air quotes and all, which Dean hasn’t seen since he told Cas they were lame. (He felt bad about it for a week afterward and gave Cas a free apology pumpkin. First of the season.)

“I am able to navigate the outside world as well as a human toddler,” Cas continues heatedly. “What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past two weeks?”

Dean huffs an impatient breath. “What have you tried so far?”

Cas grimaces. “Gabriel said it could be broken like all curses could be broken.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I have no clue,” Cas says frankly. “I spent a week in Heaven’s archives and libraries. The most common way to break curses is by consuming a stone taken from the stomach of a goat -”

Dean makes a gagging noise.

“-or bathing in the blood of a virgin at the new moon.”

“Not any less gross,” Dean says emphatically. “Where the hell are you going to get virgin blood? Are they talking about, like, a whole virgin? Or does born again count?”

Cas shakes his head. “The new moon was four days ago.”

Dean frowns. “Did you have to do the blood thing?”

From the look on Cas’s face, Dean isn’t going to make him watch Carrie anytime soon.

“So I went to more obscure magic,” Cas continues. “I tried bathing in a natural source of water. And then I ran a bath and filled it with salt, since salt repels evil.”

“All I’m hearing is lots of bathing so far.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “I lit sage in every room and burned three types of wood. I wore an evil eye bracelet. I sprinkled consecrated water blended with honey over the threshold.”

“No dice?”

Cas throws him a baleful look. “I have ants now.”

Dean snorts. “Well that sucks,” he says, since what else can you say when your best friend swaps all his memories for a Bug's Life?

Cas sighs. “From my notes and research, I can’t leave the hives completely unattended, so I’ve spent the past few days trying to figure out how not to kill them,” he says, gesturing to the rest of the kitchen table. “Once I’ve determined if the bees will survive on their own, I can look back into the curse.”

Dean purses his lips. “Have you prayed to Gabriel? Tried to convince him to take it back?”

“Every day since it happened,” Cas says, his face somber.

“Alright,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’s empty plate, “I can’t help with the curse stuff since I save the teen witch adventures for Sabrina. I can help with the bees, though, if you want.” He gets to his feet and dumps the plates in the sink.

Once his back is turned, he frowns as he thinks his words over. Who knows if this Cas actually wants him around? This Cas doesn’t know him from Adam.

To the dishes Dean says, “The next beekeeper is a few towns over. I could give him a call for you, if you’d rather have him. Cain’s mostly retired, so he’d probably have the time to show you the ropes.”

“Is Cain an angel?”

Dean laughs over the splashing water. “No, he’s a crotchety old bastard who would rather live with bees than people. You get along.” He sets the rinsed plates out to dry and faces Cas. “I’m sure you have his number in your phone too, come to think of it.”

Cas meets Dean’s cautious gaze with his usual soul-searing stare. “I wouldn’t mind if you helped me. Maybe I could call Cain if there are any advanced problems we can’t figure out together.”

Dean smiles. “Sounds like a plan.” He jerks his head towards the backyard. “You wanna get suited up?”

“Now?” Cas asks, alarmed.

“No time like the present,” Dean says as he walks out of the kitchen without waiting for Cas to follow. “Come on, we’re wasting daylight.”

* * *

Cas stares at his beekeeper suit, hanging in its usual place on his screened back porch, next to his gardening gloves.

“You okay?” Dean asks. “You’ve got a spare in your shed, so I’ll grab it on the way.”

Cas picks up the suit like it’s about to bite him.

“’S a good thing I’m here,” Dean says as Cas slowly unzips the front. “It’s always a bitch to get your wings covered.”

Cas’s wings slump. “I have a feeling this is going to be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Hey,” Dean says, taking a step forward, “no, it’s your bees. You love them.”

Cas frowns. “But I don’t remember how.”

Dean grins. “Then you’re a lucky son of a bitch who gets to fall in love with something all over again.” He sighs wistfully. “What I wouldn’t give to erase Star Wars from my brain and watch it again for the first time.”

“What is Star Wars?”

“A trilogy of movies from the 70s and 80s,” Dean says, his smile widening.

Cas nods. “I’ll have to rewatch them, then.”

“Damn right,” Dean says. “I gave you the DVDs for my birthday last year, so they should be around here somewhere.”

“For your birthday?” Cas asks, eyebrows rising. “Isn’t gift-giving normally the other way around?”

Dean shrugs. “But I’d been bugging you to watch ‘em with me for years. Trust me, it was an awesome birthday.”

Cas opens his mouth like he’s not sure where to poke holes in Dean’s story first, so Dean reaches for the wing covers. “I think we should do the hard part first.”

“You’re currently the expert,” Cas says as he sets the suit aside.

Dean frowns as he takes in Cas’s black wings, reflecting muted tones of magenta, purple, cobalt, and green. Normally, Cas rocks the sex wing look - a few feathers askew here and there like someone raked their fingers through them - but now his wings look more like Cas stuck his alulas in an electrical socket.

Without thinking, Dean says, “It’s gonna be hard to get them in the wing covers. They’re a little messed up, dude.” As Cas’s face falls, Dean adds quickly, “Nothing a little grooming can’t fix.”

Cas flushes. “I haven’t been able to reach my whole wingspan on my own. Hannah offered-” he breaks off, his gaze skittering around to settle just over Dean’s left shoulder. “But I don’t know her, not really, so I was uncomfortable accepting.”

Dean takes a step back. “I mean, you don’t need to do it. I’ll have to touch a couple feathers to get these on you, if you’re okay with that.”

Cas swallows. “No, you’re right. My wings are a mess.”

Dean’s fingers practically tingle with the urge to reach out and smooth down the closest feathers, but he shoves his free hand deep into his pocket instead.

“Can you help me?” Cas asks.

Dean quietly dies inside.

Cas’s wings flutter in anticipation, and Dean is so, so weak.

“Yeah,” Dean says gruffly as he drops the wing cover and approaches Cas’s back. “You sure, man? I - I’ve never done this before.”

Cas turns his head. “Never?”

Dean clenches his hands into fists. Don’t touch. Not until he says so. Dean can keep his goddamn hands to himself. Cas deserves that much.

“Do you want me to walk you through it?” Cas asks softly. “I know how, since it’s only personal memories about my life that seem to have been affected.”

“Ah,” Dean hesitates, a hundred and one wing kink porn videos flashing through his head like popup ads. “No,” he coughs, “I know the mechanics.”

Cas’s eyes narrow. “Are you sure?”

Dean fidgets in place. “‘S like picking beans, right? Don’t pull on them too hard. They’ll come off if they want to come off. Make sure nothing is sticking out at weird angles.”

Cas makes a face. “Did you just compare my wings to legumes?”

“Maybe?” Dean says defensively. “Look, I know vegetables, and I know what your wings are supposed to look like. What else do you want from me?”

Cas’s mouth opens, but no words come out. With a sigh, he faces forward, presenting his wings for Dean.

Dean inhales a deep breath. Christ, his hands are goddamn shaking. Get a fucking grip, Winchester. He lightly touches the base of Cas’s left wing.

Cas shivers, the feathers rippling.

Dean yanks his hand back.

“Sorry,” Cas says sheepishly. “You took me by surprise. Please continue.”

Gently, Dean grazes the base of the wing again. The feathers rustle like under a moderate breeze, but Cas doesn’t tell him to stop, so Dean keeps going. He feels along the surface of Cas’s wings, most of the feathers slipping, glossy smooth, under his fingertips - until he catches the first snag. Nerves rocketing up to eleven, Dean tugs lightly on the first feather out of place.

Cas sucks in a breath.

It comes loose, and Dean has a fleeting, stupid thought to steal it for himself. But he lets it flutter to the floor.

Dean soldiers on, biting his lip as he tries to keep himself from grabbing handfuls of feathers and burying his face in Cas’s wings. Meticulously, painstakingly, he combs through the mess. As he moves closer to the second joint, Cas’s feathers, which had been subtly shifting the whole time, stiffen.

“You okay?” Dean asks.

Cas nods, stilted. “Please continue,” he says, his voice rough.

Dean frowns. If Cas is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to tell him, Dean’s not going to be the asshole who turns a blind eye to the signs. He withdraws his hands, and Cas’s wings -

They flare out, seeking Dean’s touch.

Without thinking, Dean blurts an astounded, “Dude.”

“Apologies,” Cas says, and, from this angle, Dean has primetime viewing of the back of Cas’ traffic light-red neck. His wings retreat to fold stiff as a board behind Cas’s back.

“Hey, no,” Dean says as he lays a hand along Cas’s wing, petting it gently. “I just wanted to check in with you.” He grins lopsidedly, not that Cas can see him. “Communication is important.”

Cas coughs. “Indeed,” he says, and his voice still sounds off. “Please continue. I,” he breaks off, turning a little in place so Dean can see half of his face, “I was enjoying it.”

“Good,” Dean says with a little too much enthusiasm. “I - uh, me too.”

Cas blinks. “You were?” He frowns. “Grooming is… boring. A chore.”

“Not for humans,” Dean says as he picks up where he left off. “We don’t have big fancy wings to lug around everywhere. They’re-”

“What?” Cas waits, clearly expecting an answer.

Dean sighs. “Cool,” he supplies lamely. “Your wings are cool.”

Dean can’t see Cas’s face with his back turned, but his wings fluff up ever so slightly, so Dean counts it as a win. “I’m glad you think so,” Cas says quietly.

“’Course,” Dean says, easy as pie. He pulls on another feather, and, when it doesn’t come out, tucks it back into its proper place, “I’ve never seen an angel with wings like yours. Malachi’s got dark grey ones, and I thought they were your shade of black, but they’re not. Plus, he’s an asshole.”

Cas chuckles. “I don’t see how him being an asshole has anything to do with his wing color.”

“No, but, if you ever run into him - an angel with dark grey wings - now you know.”

“So you’re only looking out for me.”

“You don’t know this yet,” Dean tells him conspiratorially, “but I’m awesome.”

“Yes, I’m beginning to see that for myself.”

Thank God Cas can’t see Dean’s face. Equally embarrassed and pleased, Dean rambles, “You should also watch out for Metatron - the white-winged dude who runs the thrift shop down the road. He’s been angling to set up shop at the farmers market for fucking ever even though he has a storefront for all his crap. Whoever said white wings meant purity was full of shit because Metatron’s a douche.”

Cas laughs, and Dean nearly slumps over in relief.

He can still make Cas laugh.

“Hannah, she’s okay,” Dean continues as he combs through the rest of Cas’s secondaries and coverts before he gets to the primaries, large and built for flight, and completely within Cas’s reach to groom himself. “But her partner, Duma, hates you for some reason, so I’d steer clear of her.”

Cas’s wings dip a few inches. “It doesn’t sound like I’m on good terms with many angels.”

Dean lightly runs his palm over Cas’s flight feathers - while he’s back here, he might as well. “I guess not,” he admits because Cas is right, “but they’ve all got massive sticks up their asses, so you’re better off.”

“They’re family.”

“They’re dicks,” Dean corrects. “Come on, you’re goddamn cursed with amnesia , and not one is here helping you out? Dick move for dick angels,” he finishes.

“Hannah visited.”

“Like I said, Hannah’s okay,” Dean says as he straightens up.

“At least you’re here,” Cas points out.

“Yeah,” Dean says bitterly as he brushes out bits of fluffy down near the base of Cas other wing, “After two weeks.”

“You said you didn’t know.”

“I should’ve.”

“How?” Cas asks, sounding baffled.

Dean scoffs as he cards his fingers through the shorter feathers near the bone of Cas’s wing, “You didn’t show at the farmers market. You always show.”

“But-”

Dean shakes his head. “I should’ve known something was up.” He yanks a little too hard on a feather, and the brittle shaft breaks between his thumb and pointer finger. Dean lets it fall to the floor in disgust. “But Hannah said you were sick, and I didn’t know if you were the type who wanted company or everyone to stay the hell away. And then I talked to Sammy, and he said angels don’t really get sick like we do.” He exhales a slow breath, consciously holding himself back from tearing any more feathers out. Cas doesn’t deserve that, especially after all the shit he’s dealing with.

“We do get sick,” Cas says, his voice breaking through Dean’s morose reminiscing of the past week, “But never with the type of illnesses that can be treated outside of Heaven.”

“That’s what Sammy told me,” Dean says heavily.

“You were worried?”

Dean pokes him in the muscular part of the wing. “Of course I was worried.”

Cas’s head tilts, but not enough that Dean can make out his expression. “Because we’re friends.”

Dean swallows. “Yeah,” he says quietly, “because we’re friends.” He tugs on a few more feathers, and one comes loose. He holds it between his fingers for a beat, rubbing his thumb along the vane. With a sigh, he moves onto Cas’s other flight feathers. He gives them a few long strokes, unable to help his smile as he feels at the power, the potential, all hidden in Cas’s wings. But, eventually, he has to straighten up.

“All done,” he says with forced cheer as Cas turns around to face him.

Cas blinks a few times like he’s coming out of a trance. “Thank you,” he says gruffly.

He spreads his wings.

Dean’s breath catches in his chest, and his awe must show all over face, judging by Cas’s barely-there smirk. But, dammit, Dean’s going to enjoy the sight. Cas never puts himself on display like this, preferring to play the nerdy beekeeper in a trench coat rather than an almighty Angel of the Lord.

Cas turns his head to inspect Dean’s work. He gives an experimental flap, sweeping all the old feathers littering the floor up into the air. “Thank you, Dean,” he says sincerely. He folds his wings back, and Dean’s heart aches for something he never had in the first place.

“Don’t - don’t mention it,” Dean chokes out.

A fluffy piece of down drifts down to settle on Cas’s nose. He goes cross-eyed to keep it in view.

Dean cracks up. Grinning, he reaches up to brush away the offending bit of down.

Cas catches his arm in an iron grip, his own face oddly intense.

“Cas?”

But before Dean can finish his sentence, Cas pulls him closer and seals their mouths together.

Dean lets out a muffled (completely manly) noise of surprise against Cas’s lips before muscle memory takes over. As Dean kisses back, Cas makes a light soothing rumble in the back of his throat, his touch gentle and warm. Dean’s other hand grasps desperately at Cas’s shirt, anchoring him in place. An electric, bubbly feeling is exploding in his chest, a wild kind of joy Dean normally would tamp down, tell himself, watch out for the other shoe to drop.

Other shoes like Cas’s missing memory.

Dean freezes, and it takes him a long moment to realize Cas isn’t moving either. His grip on Dean’s arm has gone slack. Dean opens his eyes to find Cas’s eyes wide open and glowing with an electric blue light.

Fuck.

Dean’s watched his fair share of angel-on-angel porn and more than his fair share of angel-on-human porn, and kissing’s not supposed to do that.

Dean takes a stumbling step back. “Cas?” he tries.

But Cas doesn’t move. He doesn’t give any sign he heard Dean at all.

Dean falls forward, tripping over his feet. He grips Cas, hard, by the shoulders. With his heart in his throat, he gives Cas a small shake. “Cas?” he tries again, and his voice sounds alien to his own ears, loud and breathy with his panic. He shakes him harder. “Cas!”

Several agonizing seconds pass, and the light slowly dims from behind Cas’s eyes, leaving behind his normal blue.

“Dean?”

Dean’s knees nearly give out with relief. “Hey,” he says weakly, “Nice to have you back, buddy.”

Cas blinks a few times. He swallows, a strange expression coming over his face.

“You okay?” Dean demands. “What the fuck was that?”

Cas stares at him. “That was the curse breaking.”

Read Part II here!

#profoundnet #angel castiel #beekeper castiel #farmer dean #fluff #wing grooming #amnesia #mutual pining #friends to lovers #rae writes fic

[theythemsam]

thoughts on she/her sam? just curious!

Thoughts on she/her sam? Yes, many.

So there's obviously multiple ways to interpret this post but for lesbian reasons i Will mainly go with she/her trans gal sam ❤

tw: slight mentions of violence

i think she'd come out the first time at stanford and start using she pronouns there in a very limited friendship circle and maybe by the end even in a select few classes. Its feels kinda weird at first, partially because she hasn’t really pursued any other way of transitioning yet and she wants to keep her name (in a drunk stupor john had told her she had been named after her mom's dad after he had died and she doesn’t want to lose what little connection she has to her mom), and partially because it’s just that she never expected to get to a place like that, not after having grown up in the hyper-masculine hunter lifestyle and never staying long enough anywhere to find a community, but she has a couple of really protective friends now (like brady who broke a dude's nose in a bar fight and jess who's not afraid to get loud and drag them publicly also if jess is ALSO a trans gal that would be soooo rad, like she would have been out longer than sam and probably been able to go on puberty blockers and transition early and sam sees her and Dies 100 gay little deaths but also slight gender envy and jess sees her and is like: nerd gf lets go!) and she soon gets used to it. She’d saved up for hormones when dean comes to visit. The money is spent on gas and ammo instead.

I kinda feel like s2 sam might consider telling dean at some point, but then doesn’t, counting it as just another thing that makes her a freak and an outsider and she needs dean’s support more than ever in that time. And well then dean’s dying and then sam starts the apocalypse and its after they decide that sam’s gonna go to the cage, that she feels she has to tell dean about it. She doesn’t want him going around, telling people about his dead brother. Dean is kinda confused at first (like he would 100% consider it a crossdressing kink at first like... panties amiright? 👀👀👀 and not understand that its Not That), but he loves her anyway (maybe even apologizes for calling her gay (derogatory) constantly) and even though the whole conversation is tinged with SadTM, its freeing. She also tells bobby and he draws her into a big hug.

And then she loses her soul and that is weird. Soulless her doesnt give a shit about other peoples perceptions. Shes loud and rude and dressed however the fuck she wants. Shes obviously out and stares samuel down when he tries to call her Mary's s- uh daughter. Its weird and fucking freeing, but then she gets her soul back and depression and trauma and terror at the cold, calculated shit soulless her did, make her tone it down again. Dean knows. Bobby knows. Thats enough.

She immediately befriends nonbinary lesbian charlie after meeting her, and they bond over lord of the rings and against me! and dnd and lesbianism. Its good and they are canon friends in this one <3. After s7 while shes with amelia she starts hrt again. And in that au dean is still angry, but because sam is more used to talking about stuff (dean had to stop the no chick flick moment rule soon after her coming out bc sam would just stare him down), she tells him why she couldnt look for him (explains the way she was completely alone and still reeling from trauma and with a grip on reality that was shaky at the best of days and how amelia saved her) and dean gets it, imagines himself after hell if sam had died (doesnt bring up that during her stunt with ruby it felt that way sometimes), and if bobby had been gone too, and he's not happy with it, but he understands. He tells sam about benny earlier and less aggressively and sam gets to know him in a less charged environment and they absolutely have at least one "demon blood... what's that taste like?" conversation where they compare the taste of blood, vampire to... vampire, mainly only to freak dean out who’s sitting at the bar with them like... wtf?. Like they should be disaster friends <3 i think that could be fun. That is more of a general thing that i think sam & benny should have done more, but since i am changing their relationship w this, it just fits very well.

Another she/her sam could also be nonbinary bi sam, who embraces her gender through she/her pronouns, but also ids very much as a bi man. I think she would channel jonathan van ness like her fancy!chester version, except less bougie. Dean gets a kick out of saying "shes my brother".

#sam replies #asks #trans!sam #lgbt #disclaimer im tme and in real life i only know lesbian trans women so that is what i feel most comfortable talking about? #so like especially the she/her nonbinary sam is new to me and theres probably people who could elaborate better than i can #bc as you can see that part is kinda short? but like i still love her you know i just... dont know that much #he/him sam is out they/them and she/her sam is in <3 #@jpad what about she/they sam? HUH? what about *borat voice* Mah Wife? #also no cisswaps here bc if i do genderswaps i gotta make them nonbinary Like Me so they wouldnt have she/her pronouns <3 #(not that nonbinary people cant use she/her pronouns but... u know what i mean!) #so sorry if that is what you were hoping for i just... dont much like cisswaps #also no capslock in this one apparently i die like man #dean: dude could you be more gay? sam: yes *transes her gender* #is pretty much the thesis of this whole thing but yeah <3 #transnatural

[rupertgayesarchive]

That ask and your answer about what if Sam was out of hunting and never left Stanford because Gabriel wanted to stop the apocalypse and threw him into a pocket dimension and I’m like. Obsessed. primarily with gabriel and how Sam would go.

I think he would stick Sam in a like… you remember when Zachariah stuck sam and dean in the office job and it was a parallel universe but also it was real life? like coplanar planes, I think Gabriel would elect to do that instead of his you’re going in my alternate universe, because it’s less detail consuming and I think Sam would notice small things that were off like how he figured out it was him in mystery spot.

You said Sam deserves to have the apple pie life but if he was comfortable with that it wouldn’t like.. work he wouldn’t be ready to ever confront Lucifer or anyone. i agree but also I don’t think he would stick with his normal life. like in the zachariah episode he had a normal life and fake memories of that but he still wanted to hunt and help people and also figure out wtf was happening. I think in this scenario Sam would still be psychic because I love that but Gabriel would probably try like… suppressing his visions and such, because they would lead him back into possible angel business. I think he’d still get little snippets because that’s fun and having reminders in that that the supernatural like.. exists and ppl are getting hurt, I think that would overrule his want of complete normalcy and even his spite toward John.

I don’t think he’d go back into hunting like, completely because I want him to have something good and also be semi well adjusted. but like we saw in the terrible life episode I think he’d like.. if he got bored and started looking up strange deaths well now he has to go help them!!

also it is sooo fun to me if he starts realizing something is wrong but he doesn’t know what. like in mystery spot I love that trope sooo fucking much also in s1 sam gets back into hunting through John Winchester style revenge quest and I want to give him a reason to start poking around that is like.. for himself and not anybody else. he can have a little obsession over it as a treat because i like seeing him be a bitch <3

i think initially when Gabriel found out the apocalypse was like in motion and Sam was at Stanford he’d have an opportunity there to do something without revealing to other players that he is alive because he was pretending to be a trickster. like he’s very much in this for self preservation and if he did some time traveling shenanigans, or disappearing both Winchesters and maybe even Adam out of nowhere, I think he’d worry that the angels would take notice. Randy your vessels!! But Stanford gives him a natural window to hide a key player. he needs to do away with Adam too so Lucifer can’t possibly have a true vessel to fight.. maybe he can kill him in a freak accident because I find that funny. sorry this is long and it will be getting longer

anyway I think as time went on Gabriel would pay like less meticulous attention. he’d still keep away like key players but as other people also started trying to stop the apocalypse he would become more relaxed also he’d be overconfident in himself like in changing channels. I think this would lead sam to notice more stuff that just doesn’t make any sense and maybe start looking for dean or even his dad, or going out of his way to look for hunts. maybe get involved in magic because i think he deserves to be a witch. wait actually that’s how he should find Dean. i think Gabriel would hide Dean from Sam and vice versa, and he didn’t foresee Sam using magic or anything. Also at this point it’s been years and I think Sam is more invested in this than his like… normal life. he’s more well adjusted but I can definitely see him just impulsively quitting his job to figure out what the fucks happening. Also I think he’d feel animosity at dean during this for not being there and not helping him, even though that anger doesn’t make complete sense. sorry i like the early seasons salmon dean reconciling and learning to like each other and sam realizing Your Parents Are People and I would like to see it with them having like, completely different lives and also some fun miscommunication bc of Gabriel. also sam having to reconcile dean having cas OHRHDHJ also dean and cas trying horribly to cover cas being not human is so fucking fun to me. unless this happens during a cas is dead time period which is fun in a different evil way.

I also think dean would only stop looking if he though Sam was dead, but I think… Gabriel might have hidden him but other people ARE still meeting him even with like altered memories. so I think angels or something can sense that Sam is alive but they don’t know where and I think they’d gloat and use it to taunt dean that he is like.. suffering while his brother is living a perfect normal life. Also because this adds another miscommunication that can be discussed and end in reconciliation in a way I don’t think would feel contrived and is in line with it the characters. it’d be Amelia s8 but Sam would be like (Sam voice) I did look for you!!! where were you when I needed you! also I want Sam to find out John died and he’s in absolute despair while cas is standing there like oh yes that’s so awful your father was an. absolutely a man😔😐🏳️‍🌈

idk when this would occur and i think every season offers like… different flavors of enjoyment for an audience of just me. like s7 proto widower arc?? Sam reconnecting with Dean during TMWWBK when he is not familiar with the dean and cas dynamic and has to be witness to Trying So Hard To Be Loyal. additionally that would be fun because bobby is there and dean is like, covering his ears and back talking bobby regarding cas. and if they’ve taken pains to hide cas being an angel Sam being like .who is this to Dean. is suchhh a fun concept.

WAIT post goodbye stranger. or maybe Sam can show up pre goodbye stranger to watch dean go from clingy after cas gets back from purgatory to wrongfooted to like ANGRY. well not Angry… to dean having dean emotions. when cas is off with the tablet ignoring him and he feels betrayed. and this Sam isn’t as close to him so he doesn’t know ANY details until Dean stats divulging them as they reconcile. ALL GOOD OPTIONS..

also if this happens during s6 i think it would be nice if cas started collecting allies, and at the same time as Sam trying to figure out what was keeping him away from dean and the angel business Cas could figure it out FIRST and use Gabriel as an ally against Raphael but he’d feel like he has to hide it from dean and sam. like in this scenario. actually any time I talk about s6 hypotheticals Cas’ conflict IS the A Plot. the Winchester’s were on a side quest idc. s6 is a fun time for these reasons but i don’t like it as much because Cas is still in the process of like.. formative development.

okay one last thing I’m SOOO sorry for my essay. you said if Sam was dispossessed the apocalypse would just.. not happen. i agree to like, a certain degree, because I do think they could have found another way but all of them would have been dust compared to swan song. so maybe Gabriel semi succeeded but instead of stopping the apocalypse he just… prolonged it. this changes a lot but if either Michael or Lucifer didn’t have a viable vessel I think the angels would scramble to actually for real stop the apocalypse but others would still want it to happen even if it was like.. Perfect they just want it to be over. this provides angel politics which I am in love with and we can still have like TMWWBK development for cas. I don’t know where I’m going with this sorry

op this is a lot, this is so much. i love it, i hope you have a google doc open somewhere and are typing away furiously.

now i didn't rewatch a lot of spn past s3 (surprise) in part bc i can't handle the brain damage and some scenes are seared into my cerebral cortex in a way that induced a temporary bout of eidetic memory, meaning i'll never forget the crypt scene in Goodbye Stranger for as long as i live. that being SAID, my s6-s7 knowledge is not as firmly coalesced. so because of that i'm letting your thoughts roam free as i don't know how accurate my own takes would be? but i feel like without sam there, like... hm. would dean even be the same person... would the past however many seasons even OCCUR remotely similar with sam out of the picture for literal years? we might be looking at a completely different world at that point.

my other theory is that the s2 plot of special children - we know azazel was raising a new 'crop' of psychic kids. i think that was a plot thread that they ended up dropping anyway, but if they didn't i do wonder if we'd be dealing with a lot more shenanigans like in s1 and s2 except with kids? and dean and cas trying to figure out what to do with these young psychics that might be turned into a vessel for lucifer or - whatever they wanted to do with those kids. hm.

i also question if purgatory would be a thing. like it probably would come up and be on the table, but maybe the godstiel arc wouldn't, bc if like you're saying dean and cas are together at this point, like. cas might have grown to love humanity (not just dean but like 99% dean) to the point where he might not be doing this risky gambit for more souls. and if gabriel is still around, cas may start petitioning gabe to help throw his archangel weight around against raphael while he tries to do the actual strategizing.

i think sam would still have his visions, like you said, and then maybe those lead him to dean or to a case that dean is also on? or if angels are more well-known later on, he tracks one down, maybe cas, maybe not (if it's NOT and it's one that works on raphael's side. ohoho. the possibilities...)

#asks #spn #fun ideas fun times!!