#anyway i did Not mean to write this tag essay all things considered i am doing fine

[halfagone]

...I have such complicated feelings about the Anger Management ship. This isn't to say that I don't like the ship (I do, I actually adore it) but I happen to be very nit-picky about the execution and dynamics that I'm always super hesitant to read new fics with these two as the main pairing.

(If you plan on reblogging this, please do not put the crossover fandoms or the ship name in the tags. This is a rambling essay, not a purposefully antagonistic vent about other people's writing style or preferences. I KNOW not everyone likes or dislikes the same things that I do, and just as they are due their own opinion, so am I.)

To be completely transparent, I don't think Jazz would like Red Hood. Oh, I think she'd absolutely adore Jason, but I don't think she would like Red Hood. I honestly believe that if she found out Jason was Red Hood sometime later into their relationship, she would want to take a step back and think things through. This isn't to say that she would break up with him because of it, or hate him suddenly now that the truth is out, but it's one thing to find out your boyfriend is secretly an anti-hero vigilante, and it's another thing to find out your boyfriend is secretly a crime-lord who beheaded EIGHT PEOPLE and stuffed their severed heads into DUFFEL BAGS to send a message to Batman. It's one thing to find out your boyfriend doesn't get along with his family, and it's a whole other thing to learn your boyfriend beat his adopted brother brutally and PAINTED THE WALLS WITH HIS BLOOD without ever meeting him first and based on information he hadn't even found out firsthand but was given to him by a woman that was purposefully stoking the flames of his anger and hatred to make things easier for her son.

She knows Jason a little more personally now, so she's aware of the layers to his character and history so she has a better understanding of what his motivations might/could be, but that doesn't lessen how HUGE of a shift in perspective this could be for her. It'd be worse if Jason hasn't expressed any regret for what he did to Tim, especially considering Red Hood supposedly protects kids but went along and beat Tim so viciously anyways. You can't even use the excuse that Tim is a 'child soldier', when Jason is just as willing and ready to use that same excuse when he gripes about how terribly Bruce treated him or Bruce's supposed lack of grief and regret over losing Jason. It doesn't mean what he went through was any less terrible, but it does make him a hypocrite.

I feel like they would have to steadily overcome this obstacle, and I do honestly believe that Jazz would implore him to get therapy to help him, and if he didn't agree, she would be seriously concerned about their relationship. Seeing as Jason has also inherited Bruce's miscommunication (or general lack of communication) and poor coping mechanisms.

Of course a lot of this could be outright avoided or fixed in the background, but I don't find that it happens a lot? Or, if it does, it's never properly explained? I can understand if it's a short fic and all that background plot points can't be properly addressed in the short amount of time, but when it's a longer fic I always feel like it's a missed opportunity NOT to have and/or show more growth in Jason as he learns what a civilian relationship (hell, a healthy relationship in general) is actually LIKE after losing so much of his life to his need for revenge.

Which kind of leads up to my next point... I'm very nit-picky when Jazz is shown to be super BAMF and always ready to throw down. Jazz has always been badass to me, but I always felt like her type of strength always relied more on her intelligence, sharp wit, and most of all her compassion. She's a good shot, and she's always willing to step in physically if she feels like it's necessary, but violence has never been her first choice. She wants to be a psychologist/psychiatrist - for her to constantly be willing to roll up her sleeves and punch someone out is not conductive to a working and trusting relationship between a doctor and their patient. Or between most people, in general.

(Another thing! I feel like Jazz would believe that people deserve second chances. While she might agree that someone like the Joker might be beyond saving (something she might agree to with great hesitancy and reluctance), she wants to believe so badly that people can change for the better. This could be caused and/or linked to her childhood, and how her parents never spent time on her and Danny but she was desperate to fix their family. Which could be the reason she got into psychology in the first place. For her to admit that some people can never change, would be like Jazz admitting that she wasted the early formative years of life trying to fix a broken home all for nothing. This, however, would cause more contention between her and the Red Hood. Can you tell I don't think they'd get along?)

However, this sort of personality and behavior is very reminiscent of someone else. That person of course being Danny himself. Danny is the one that's often throwing himself into fights and roughing it up before thinking twice. When he grows up, he might learn to rein it back in and think things through more, but I find it strange that the exact opposite it applied to Jazz's character when she has already succeeded with a balance of careful forethought and affirmative action. I like when there are differences between their characters, I like how they differentiate and balance each other out. I like how it shows their opposing thought processes and principles.

This does lead me to my next point... Liminal!Jazz is very hit and miss for me. Giving her ghostly qualities not only takes away some of the things that make her unique to Danny (it sucks too because I adore how Jazz is so sympathetic and tries so hard to understand what Danny is struggling through, it really shows how supportive Jazz is and has always tried her best to be). It particularly irks me when it's explained that this is caused by ectocontamination when Danny supposedly never had those same ectocontamination effects BEFORE his Accident? When he was similarly contaminated for all of his life as well. Technically speaking, their parents should be contaminated too in order to make the reasoning consistent. But most of all it... and I hate to say this, but I feel like it cheapens Danny's tragic death. Danny went through SO MUCH and suffered excruciating pain and now whenever he looks in the mirror he will never see the same human kid he'd once been, while Jazz didn't have to suffer the same thing or even CLOSE TO IT and still got those same physical characteristics. ESPECIALLY when the reasoning feels hollow. And even I hate how I can't get into the concept because I've seen the headcanon utilized in some pretty inventive ways! Nonetheless it still bothers me and I see it so much that I find that I have to outright avoid so many fics to get away from it. The premise of the fic itself might interest me but the concept bothers me THAT MUCH that I just can't.

And a lot of this is connected to how Jazz is so often characterized or shown in conjunction to Danny. De-Aged!Danny fics where Jazz takes care of him are really cute- god knows I love a good baby!Danny story- but I feel like these fic concepts don't give Jazz the opportunity to shine on her own. When I heard people complained about where Danny was in Elizabehta_Beilschmidt's Friendly neighborhood vigilante (and yes I know what her @ is, but I am PURPOSEFULLY not tagging her), I was honestly SHOCKED. I loved that Danny wasn't really around. That might sound harsh, but I came for a Jazz/Jason fic where these two were the main characters. And who we, naturally, should spend the most time with.

Most of all, Jazz's whole personality and life should not be based on babysitting/caring for her little brother. Especially in a lot of these fics when Danny is an adult of his own. Danny has been shown to take care of himself even at fourteen, if he's eighteen or even in his twenties, that shouldn't have suddenly changed. Jazz should not have been forced to take care of her younger sibling to begin with, for her to be forced or feel obligated to continue and spend more of her life unnecessarily worrying and fussing over her brother is not fair to her. I hate to separate them, but their lives take them in different directions and it's not healthy or fair for them to curb their wants and dreams to satisfy their desire (and perhaps even codependency) to stick together. It's both adorable and heartbreaking in kid!Danny fics to see how she continues to hold strong and try to do her best for him, but she already spent so much of her life doing that. Let her have time for herself and her interests and her cute boyfriend GODDAMMIT!

So yeah. I have Complicated TM feelings about Anger Management. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

#halfagone rambles #don't take this personally if you disagree #you do you my friend

[13docwriting]

'Ello! It's me again, giving my VERY long live stream review of Doctor Who, the Wild Blue Yonder.

(I don't do trailers or ANY spoilers for episodes, so it's an honest, gut reaction review RIGHT out of the gates for this one haha)

SPOILERS BELOW:

Once again, my first essay is this: I really, really miss watching it "live" with other fans. And, after a whole week of being active with the fandom, I've realized that spoilers are INSTANT. I couldn't watch this episode right when it was released on Disney plus and I was spoiled JUST by opening Tumblr to start this post. Could I have blocked the tags? Yeah, but I was going to watch the episode only three hours after it had went up, so I assumed I could avoid the worst of it. ANYWAY, my point stands... I'm really going to miss watching it with other fans because I have to make posts like this AND because spoilers are a problem.

NOW THEN.

1. HISTORICAL EPISODE. YES? PROBABLY? IS THAT GOING TO BE NEWTON??? OH HECK YES, THE APPLE FELL IT'S HIM. I looooooove DW historical episodes, oh my god.

2."But don't worry. He's got a time machine, which means he can blame me for all eternity." Donna Noble, stay sassy forever.

3. I CALLED NEWTON. Heck yes!!!!

4. Donna's and the Doctor's chemistry really reigns supreme to me. Now, I wouldn't necessarily pair Donna with 11th or 12th, the dynamic would be wildly different (huh, one day I'll write an essay about that), but the tenth Doctor needed Donna and the fourteenth Doctor appreciates that. It's really, really interesting and so lovely to see, honestly.

7. "The TARDIS played us a war song". Woah boy, here we go, PLOT.

5. It would be the Doctor to mess up history to THAT sort of extreme, wouldn't it lmao. "Mavity" to "gravity" is just too great. Aww, bye Newton! I wish we got more of him.

6. Yo the TARDIS is PISSED!!! Jeez, of course it's possible to have literally ANYTHING happen to the TARDIS, but I never consider "giant flame the likes of which a rocket could fly from" on the docket.

8. Ya know, I can't remember if I've ever seen the TARDIS's top light go on. And also, kudos to the TARDIS for the adorable "ding" noise when it did so, made me smile.

9. Bu-bu-budget. Holy. Cow. The space ship looks so good! Just insane.

10. Donna: "Was it me, or was Isaac Newton hot?" The Doctor: "He was, wasn't he... Oh, is that who I am now?" .... Donna: "well it was never that far from the surface, mate." RTD, as always, SAID "GAY RIGHTS" and I'm here for it. Very much reminded of the Doctor's infamous Shakespeare episode with Martha. "56 academics just punched the air"! But really, if I had heard a conversation like this when I was younger, I would be sobbing. Even if I'm a woman, just having a casual conversation in terms of liking the same sex is so valuable.

11. Why are we constantly losing the TARDIS. 13's era was also infamous for it.

12. Aww them fighting hurt... And you know what hurt more? Watching the Doctor comfort Donna. I mean, it was perfect, but it took SO LONG for the Doctor to be wiling to get there. I love character growth, even 15 years later.

13. "Go and kick its arse" HECK YES, DONNA. You got that right!

14. Doctor: "I know 57,000,000,205 [languages]." MY HEADCANON. Oh, my good old headcanon. So the TARDIS translates for humans but the Doctor knows the languages! I MEAN. It's confirmed!!! AH. I feel like some people would be disappointed by that but it's still cool to know that the Doctor DOES speak different languages. (Yo, my Academy Era fans, could you imagine the Doctor learning all that with the Deca? The Master is losing his mind as we speak.)

15. Once again, a million gold stars to everyone who did the music. It's so FULL.

16. This is a personal thing, but I love when the Doctor has moments that make the title "Time Lord" make sense. The whole "maybe time slowed down?" "No, I'd feel it in my bones." Like, YES, a Time Lord feeling that kind of thing makes sense, thank you!

17. "Allons, as idiots say, y!" oh my god Donna I'd marry you, I swear. Thank you for the sass. Also love the fact that Donna is driving the cart. No idea why, it just makes total sense.

18. Donna: "That's my family over there [one hundred trillion years away]". I have words about Donna having a family, I swear to you, but mostly it's this... Donna's dedication and love for her family is exactly what she needed in her life and I support her whole heartedly. It's beautiful, and perfect, and I do wonder how much of that dedication to keep her family safe comes from the Doctor.

19. I don't know if it's specifically a call back, but 14 licking the "dangerous" thingy felt like a 13 moment and I damn near teared up. Now, him faking being hurt by that? That was either 9 or 12, I can't decide lmao.

20. I'm about 25 minutes into the episode but I sincerely don't know what way this plot is going. We got a goal of "find the TARDIS by removing the danger", we've changed the word "gravity" to "mavity", and we're stuck at the edge of the universe... Love a good mystery, but I'm really wondering where this episode is going.

21. I'm unsure if David Tennant filmed the second season of Good Omens before or after DW, but I JUST saw Crawley's iconic swagger as he was walking away from Donna and I'm here for it haha.

22. I'm getting "half the ship inside a warm hole / Missy, the Doctor, and Bill's" plotline vibes. Does time move differently throughout the ship, just as Donna thought?

23. Donna: "Do you miss home? Gallifrey?" Doctor: "I suppose... But that got complicated." SAY IT, DOCTOR. Please, please, PLEASE. I'd love to hear that parts of 13's plotline live on, PLEASE. I know that's my desire, personally, but I'd kill for it. *Sigh*... But by being cryptic, it might make fans go back to watch her era, and I'd love that too.

24. Hmmm going off of #22... I'm thinking clones instead? OH NOT CLONES. NOT CLONES. Aliens! For sure aliens!

25. Can we talk about the cgi? I mean, it's pretty damn good considering what we had in the past. How crazy is that? Good cgi? Also, kudos to our main leads for their acting here! Always fun to see actors doppelgange themselves lol

26. I am SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. I didn't know this was a horror movie thing! It's December!

27. WE KEPT THE FLUX. WE K E P T T H E F L U X. We have the Timeless Child AND the Flux! We have the Doctor being so, so heartbroken about the Flux, out loud! Oh my god, I could cry. Really, I could give a great big shout. I know RTD mentioned that he was going to keep it, but he didn't have to do it so blatantly and make it a plot point! That's so, so g r e a t. AND- AND it leaves no room for discussion about 13's era! It still has continuality - it's engrained into the Doctor, even with a new writer and the next new writer and the next Doctor!!!! NO ONE CAN TAKE THE TIMELESS CHILD ARC FROM ME IF IT MEANS IT LIVES ON IN ANOTHER DOCTOR. HA.

I will write more about that because, really, it's so important to me. It such a small thing, but 13 Doctor fans can have a good cry tonight. It's so validating.

28. Oh wait, nope, hold on... Not done with point #27. The Doctor punching at the walls after hearing about the Flux and the Timeless child again? Screaming in rage, in pain, in everything that 13 couldn't do - that 13 refused to do, because she couldn't let anyone know she was hurting? 13 kept her walls so high that she tried to convince herself that everything was alright. 14 is the effects of that, a complete change, a metamorphous into that pain and I am LIVING for it. 13 couldn't scream, not properly, but 14 can.

29. Hehe. The Doctor's biggest strength, their intellect, needed to be squashed to save the day? Nope, no way, not in a million years could ANY Doctor do it. One single question and they've gotta solve it until it's done. Side note, if any reader can't tell, I am having a GREAT time. I may not have expect to be scared, but I'm loving it!

30. WILF. WILF. OH MY GOD. Aww wow, just amazing. Just amazing.

Summary: It's nothing like I ever expected. No one was given any hints about this episode and I find myself... Pretty happy with it. It's a convoluted plot, that's for sure, but it was fun as all heck. Scary! I mean, heart pounding, VERY close to the Midnight episode scary, but good! Random! Oddly randomly, I really don't know where to rank this episode. It feels a bit like it was thrown in just to have an episode, but that also doesn't necessarily make it bad.

I do think a lot of it was cushioned by some really good acting and characterization. The plot was slow going in a strange way, once again cushioned by nostalgia and everyone's need to see the tenth Doctor and Donna again. BUT, episodes like this make me excited (and nervous) to see how RTD is going to handle a brand new Doctor.

I will have a speech about RTD keeping the Timeless Child. A very long speech. But know that I, personally, am very thankful.

#Doctor who #wild blue yonder #doctor who wild blue yonder #dw #dw fandom #dw spoilers #Tori rants

[abouttoplaymy-ace]

🐣🐨🦔🐢🐄🐸🐧🦭

DID YOU LIKE MY COUNTDOWN!? That was fun! I had fun. That was actually more fun than I thought it would be! There were too many good posts to name. It was very fun reading all your comments and theories.  Though side note: animal anon has no problem with people joining her BUT it must be animals and it must not mess with my countdown. No statues! Animal anon does animals, not statues. Side side note: can someone settle the debate of if that emoji is a hedgehog or a porcupine? Because I have no idea. Side note side note side note: sorry if you got multiple asks in a day...my system isn't perfected yet so sometimes I send two (or three) because I forgot I sent one and didn't want to accidently miss anyone (also sorry if i did miss you, still perfecting the system, no one has been animal anon blacklisted, i promise!)

Anyway, GUESS WHAT TODAY IS!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 It's been one year since I started animal anon! How exciting is that?! Phew, what a year we've had together! I mean what better way to start this second year than some chaos since that's how animal anon started to begin with! I will admit, it was slightly stressful coming up with something to meet the occasion of this event. I hope the countdown and this post live up to it. No, I'm not going to reveal myself just yet.. maybe that will be for year 2...😏😏. BUT I will give you some fun facts about me! So let's see; first, I'm from the Midwest (so not Canadian, but close so I do have a slight accent), but I currently live in the TriState area. Second, I am a MASSIVE theater nerd. No, seriously I have been to 21 shows since Broadway reopened in September and I'm actually going to my 22nd tonight. I don't know if this makes that fact better or worse, but I've really only been to about 12 different show because out of those 22, 10 of those are one specific show. Third, I am fluent in German and English. Though, I suck at writing in German, I never learned how to, so don't ask me to do that please. Fourth, my favorite color is red, so you can guess my favorite Taylor album (and coincidently also the show I've been to see 10 times on Broadway...). Fifth, I love to talk A LOT if you couldn't tell by the essays I send yall. And lastly, I can also confirm I am not Taylor...but I will say that I do share something very important with her... tell me your guesses down below as to what very important thing you think Taylor and I have in common, and I'll send some extra animals to whomever I see gets it right first!

So contuining on with my dissertation here, this week I have been trying to figure out a prompt to live up to this occasion. As I already mentioned, my system isn't perfect! And I've been thinking a lot about community lately and how that's been lacking for so many because of Covid. So what I want yall to do is if you get this dissertation of mine, please send a message, post, anon, whatever you want to at least 1 other blog (though you can do more), telling them something you like about them and giving them an animal emoji! That way we can keep spreading the love all day long to as many as possible! 🥰

As always, you are all brilliant, kind, worthy, beautiful and as this past week has shown, hilarious and unique human beings. No seriously, some of your posts had me kneeling over in laughter. If you would so like, you can tag #animalanon so I and everyone can read all your lovely posts! IM STARTING EARLY TODAY SO WE CAN PARTY ALL DAY LONG BECAUSE I LOVE YALL SO MUCH 🎊 🦥🦁🐯

Omg happy anniversary animal anon!!! 🎉 We all love you so much <3333 The chaos was 10/10 thank you for the entertainment you’re an icon!!

It’s so nice to hear more about you!! I am also from the Midwest not too far from Canada! Maybe I know you 👀 I ALSO love theatre but wouldn’t consider myself an expert by any means but you sound like you’re living the dream 🤩 and I also also love Red! I go back and forth on if it’s my favorite or rep (tho Red TV I think pushed it to #1 ❤️) So we have a lot in common!!

I’m going to guess what you have in common with Taylor issss… you have 3 cats?? 🐱

I love your idea for spreading the love! Bringing the light to the fandom, as always! I hope you have a wonderful anniversary!!! 🐳🦚🐇🦒🐘🐬🦉🦄🐝🦕🐙

#animal anon #asks

[lovelylogans]

the words you read (my heart’s been displayed)

how did you know 'cause I never told but you found out I've got a crush on you the words you read, my heart's been displayed you found out I've got a crush on you —“crush on you,” the jets

warnings: awkward clueless teenagers, crushes, slightly overbearing matchmaking uncles, mentions of government surveillance, mostly fluff, please let me know if i’ve missed any!

pairing: virgil/logan, secondary patton/roman and janus/remus

word count: 5,761

notes: this is for day 5 of @analogicalweek! the prompt of the day is “vocab card/skateboard” and i have decided to write about vocab card! please enjoy!

⁂

In Virgil’s opinion, Logan Sanders is the cutest boy in all of the sophomore grade.

He was the cutest boy in freshman year, too, and eighth grade, and seventh, and all the way back to kindergarten, but Logan’s changed over the summer. 

He’s sprouted up a few inches, so now he’s a half-head taller than Virgil. He still looks a little gangly, like he’s going to grow more. He’d always been shorter than Virgil before. He’d gotten new glasses, too, black frames that suit him way better than the silver ovals he’d used when they were little. His voice has gotten a bit deeper, his jawline’s gotten stronger, and Virgil’s helpless crush on him has only grown with Logan.

Logan isn’t just cute, either, he’s smart. He carries around stacks of notecards, blank and filled in, and there’s all sorts of things written on it—interesting fun facts and the latest slang terms, in rubber-banded stacks next to rubber-banded stacks of notecards of terms that will be on their next exam. Logan has a way of explaining anything and everything in a way that is really understandable and never makes you feel dumb. Logan’s always top of the class.

And to make matters worse, they’re next-door-locker-neighbors this year, because Chloe-who-was-between-them-alphabetically moved away. Which means that Virgil cannot quite get away with admiring Logan from afar, the way he has since they were little. Which means that when school starts, on the first day when Logan asks him what homeroom he’s in this year, Virgil’s brain can only go ahhhhHHHHHH and the fact that oh my God Logan is tall now oh my GOD Logan has the locker next to mine now! makes him delay his answer because he’s just staring at Logan, and Logan looks at him a little oddly and then repeats his question as if he thinks Virgil didn’t hear him, and Virgil kind of wants to crawl into his locker to hide there forever thanks.

“Oh,” he manages. He closes his locker. “Um. I’m in Mr. Morales’ homeroom this year.”

Logan smiles at him. Logan SMILES AT HIM. And then he says, “I am, as well. Perhaps we’ll be seated next to each other in homeroom, in addition to being locker neighbors. I would enjoy that.”

He would ENJOY THAT!!!!!

Logan clears his throat and fiddles with his glasses, finally just pushing them a little further up his nose, even though they’re pretty high up on his nose already. “Would you like to walk together to Mr. Morales’ classroom? I was in his home economics class last year, I know where it is.”

“Um, sure,” Virgil says, voice cracking embarrassingly, and he considers opening his locker back up again so that he can hide there. He’s pretty skinny, he might be able to fit.

So they walk to Mr. Morales’ classroom. Logan’s the one talking, mostly; Virgil’s grateful for that, because he’d probably just be rambling nervously the whole time, and it’d be tempting fate to have his voice crack in front of Logan again. But now he can just listen to Logan’s various opinions about their summer reading for their English class, which is much safer. He sure has a lot of opinions about it, which makes Virgil sweat a little nervously—Logan sounds like he’s ready to sit down and write an essay about it, as if they’re going to have to, and Virgil’s pretty sure that if he sat down to take a multiple-choice quiz about that book right now he’d flunk it.

They end up not being assigned to sit next to each other. Mr. Morales says to just sit wherever, since they’re all going to go to an assembly once he takes attendance anyways, and that he probably won’t assign seats for the whole year.

And then Logan ends up sitting next to him anyways.

Like he really meant that he’d like to be next to Virgil in homeroom.

Mr. Morales smiles at them, and then, inexplicably, gives Logan a double thumbs up? And then Logan’s cheeks go kind of red? Logan turns his face away from Mr. Morales, turning to more fully face Virgil.

“You were in his class last year, right?” Virgil says.

“Erm, yeah. Yes. I was.” Logan clears his throat, turning away from him. “He supervises my study hall, too.” Then he mumbles, “also he’s my uncle.”

“He’s your uncle?” Virgil repeats. This is news to him.

“Through marriage,” Logan explains. “Mr. Regnant is my father’s brother.”

Mr. Regnant is the arts-and-music teacher, and, though they don’t talk about it very much (students do, but then, students always gossip), Mr. Morales’ husband.

Mr. Regnant is also, not that Virgil would ever tell him so, Virgil’s favorite teacher.

“Which dad?” Virgil says, because Logan’s two dads were basically his only version of real-life gay representation when they were really little. He knows Mr. Sanders better than Logan’s other dad. 

Mr. Sanders always volunteered to be part of the PTA moms who supervised them during holiday parties and field trips, though, looking back, he doesn’t think the PTA moms liked him very much. The kids, on the other hand, loved Mr. Sanders, who would treat them like very short adults and once a year would bring in his mamba Eve for kids to pet and hold.

Logan’s other Dad had been the one who encouraged the kids to throw paints and roll around in the mud and tear things up. Logan’s other Dad had come to supervise one holiday party and was politely asked to never do so again.

“Not Pa—I mean, Janus,” Logan says, looking briefly embarrassed. “He’s Dad’s—Remus’—twin brother.”

Virgil makes an “ohhh” sound, because that makes sense. Now he’s thinking about it, Mr. Regnant and Logan’s dad really do look alike, if one looked past their contrasting senses of style. 

“That’s cool, though,” Virgil says thoughtfully. “That you’re related, I mean. Mr. Morales is really nice.”

“Yes, he is,” Logan says. “It’s been a bit strange to adjust to calling him Mr. Morales instead of Uncle Patton, though.”

“Yeah, I guess it probably would be,” Virgil says. 

The bell rings, and Mr. Morales ushers them off to the assembly.

Logan sits down next to him on the bleachers at the assembly, too. Their knees bump together as they listen to the principal welcome them back from summer vacation and give some announcements.

And Logan keeps sitting down next to him.

At lunch, in their two shared classes, in homeroom. He wishes Virgil a good morning and good afternoon every day at their locker. As the months of the school year slowly creep by, Virgil definitely does kind of feel like crawling into his locker, sometimes, but less and less so, because.

Because he and Logan are kind of friends now.

Logan asks him about his favorite hot beverage and then starts bringing him chai when he and his uncles stop by a café before school. Virgil sketches out drawings of astronauts and space when Logan goes on a loving tirade about it that lasts, on-and-off, for a week. 

He still definitely has a crush on Logan. His increased presence near him is both a blessing and a curse.

They share earbuds and laugh at videos in homeroom, they sit quietly side-by-side and do their homework together in study hall. Virgil even tags along, sometimes, when Logan takes time out of his day to visit his uncles. His uncles always seem delighted whenever Virgil drops by, which Virgil guesses makes sense—Mr. Morales is just kind of Like That, and he’s been taking classes with Mr. Regnant since freshman year, and they’ve been sassing at each other for just about as long.

Logan makes those visits rare, though. He always seems a little self-conscious about how excited his uncles are during their visits, the way they elbow Logan and give him thumbs-ups and wiggle their eyebrows. Virgil doesn’t really get it—he thinks it’s nice that his uncles are so excited to see Logan with his friend.

But then his mom unexpectedly comes by and drops off his lunch and ruffles Virgil’s hair right in front of Logan, and Virgil spends the rest of the day going beet red even Logan assures him that it’s okay and he thinks it’s nice, something in his brain... clicks. A little bit. Even though it doesn’t make sense.

Does Logan...?

No, his brain tells him. There’s no way.

But Virgil keeps an eye out for the next week anyways.

On Monday, Logan’s uncles give him a ride to school and also drive him by the café, so Logan hands over a chai for Virgil. Virgil smiles and thanks him.

Have Logan’s ears always gone red whenever Virgil thanks him for bringing him tea?

On Tuesday, their fingers brush when Logan’s passing over a stack of notecards for Virgil to study for an upcoming exam during their study hall. Simultaneously, they look away from each other, redirecting their attention to their textbooks.

Have they always done that?

On Wednesday, Logan and Virgil swing by Mr. Morales’ classroom. After Virgil laughs at a somewhat sarcastic comment that Logan says, and redirects his attention to the sketch he’s been doing to turn in for approval for his end-of-semester art project, he peeks through his bangs to see Mr. Morales waving his hands eagerly, and Logan go red and gesture sharply for him to stop.

Has Mr. Morales always been so excited whenever he and Logan spend time in his classroom?

On Thursday, Logan seems chilled by the overenthusiastic air conditioning, so Virgil gives him a spare hoodie he had in his locker. Logan looks at him, looks away, and then proceeds to huddle in Virgil’s hoodie for the rest of the day, even after the school adjusts the temperature and it isn’t quite so cold.

By then, his brain saying no way! No way, you cannot afford to be wrong on this so you aren’t even going to try, there’s no way—

It’s after school on Thursday, and Virgil makes sure Logan has already gone home when he descends the stairs to Mr. Regnant’s art-and-music studio.

“Oh, Virgil, hey,” Mr. Regnant says, distracted, looking up from the sheet music he’s laying out across four desks. “Gimme a second, I’ve got the feedback for your sketch on my desk somewhere—”

Virgil looks to Mr. Regnant’s desk. He can’t even see the mug of pens on his desk that Virgil knows is there, it’s so buried in papers and models and paint palette piles. It’s like an avalanche waiting to happen.

“Uh, that’s not—you can give it to me tomorrow,” Virgil says awkwardly. “Um. That’s not why I’m here.”

Mr. Regnant blinks at him. “All right.”

“I,” he wipes his hands on his jeans and grimaces, not quite believing that he’s about to do this. “I need advice.”

Mr. Regnant pauses, before he manages to find an empty desk and sets down the sheet music. “Okay.”

“Before I say anything,” he says. “I need you to give me this advice as Mr. Regnant, faculty supervisor of the GSA club.”

“Yeah,” Mr. Regnant says. “Yeah, ‘course, Virgil. I’m always—”

“Mr. Regnant, faculty supervisor of the GSA club, is a separate person from Mr. Regnant, Logan’s Uncle Roman,” Virgil interrupts, twisting his fingers together anxiously. “Right?”

Mr. Regnant opens his mouth. Closes it. He gestures for Virgil to sit on one of the choir risers, settling there himself, but Virgil sits on the floor. This is a time in which floor-sitting is necessary.

“He could be,” Mr. Regnant says eventually.

“Well I need him to be,” Virgil snaps. “Okay?”

Mr. Regnant presses his lips together and nods.

“Yeah,” he says, his voice a little higher pitched. His lips twitch and he clears his throat. “Yeah! Yeah.”

“Oh my God, you’re about to laugh at me,” Virgil says, horrified. “I knew this was a terrible idea, forget it—”

“No!” Mr. Regnant says hastily. “No I’m not, no I’m not. I swear I’m not. Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA is not about to laugh.”

“Is Mr. Regnant Logan’s uncle about to laugh?!”

“I thought they were different people,” Mr. Regnant sasses back, seemingly on instinct, and Virgil buries his face in his hands and screams a little bit. Just a little bit.

“Shi—shoot, I mean shoot!” He says, and tugs lightly at Virgil’s arm. Virgil peeks at Mr. Regnant from between his fingers.

Mr. Regnant’s face is very serious. There is no more sign of lip-twitching, throat-clearing, or mirth in his eyes.

“Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA is here and listening,” he says. “Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA does not have any relatives to speak of. Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA does not have any twin brothers or nephews. What on earth even are those? Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA would have no idea. Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA doesn’t even have parents, or a husband, that’s how absolutely relative-less he is. Okay?”

“Mr. Regnant the faculty supervisor of the GSA is an asshole,” Virgil mutters.

“Faculty supervisor of the GSA is starting to not sound like words anymore,” Mr. Regnant says, “also, you are so lucky school is technically over, otherwise I would have totally given you a detention for language.”

“You’re such a hypocrite, you literally just almost swore.”

“Almost,” Mr. Regnant says, “is not the same as did. Now. What can I do for you, Virgil?”

Virgil takes a deep breath in.

“What do you do if you think the boy you have a crush on likes you back?”

Mr. Regnant’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead, but otherwise, he doesn’t react.

“You could talk to him?”

“Okay, maybe I should be more specific,” Virgil says, “What do you do if you have an anxiety disorder, and you think the boy you have a crush on likes you back?”

“I know you’re not gonna like this,” Mr. Regnant says, “but my answer is still you could talk to him.” 

He holds up a hand before Virgil can protest. “I know it can be scary, I know it can be anxiety-inducing. I know that can be a deterrent for a perfectly neurotypical person, let alone someone who’s got a diagnosed anxiety disorder. But, I mean. Your only options, as I see them, are, A, tell him, or B, sit quietly and wait for him to maybe make the first move.”

“But how can I be sure?” He says.

“Well, why do you think he likes you back?” Mr. Regnant says reasonably.

So Virgil tells him. Virgil tells him all about it—thinking he was cute since they were kids, then suddenly becoming friends this year: the chai, the sketches, the music listening, the blushing and the awkward chats, and how they’re friends now but Virgil still really likes him in a romantic way.

“Does that sound like he likes me back?” he asks anxiously. 

Mr. Regnant bites his lip. “As the faculty supervisor of the GSA? I think it could definitely be likely.”

“Likely?” Virgil wails.

“Well, as the faculty supervisor of the GSA,” Mr. Regnant enunciates carefully, “I can’t be certain.”

“I can’t go and tell him based on if it’s just likely! I need to be sure he likes me back or else there’s a chance he says he doesn’t like me and then I’m going to have a heart attack and die!”

“Virgil! As the faculty supervisor of the GSA! I really think you should go for it!”

Mr. Regnant looks like he’s about to reach out and start shaking Virgil by the shoulders. His eyes are huge, the way he always looks at actors onstage who have forgotten their lines, like by just staring at them he’ll be able to psychically impart the script to them.

“Forget it,” Virgil groans and reaches for his backpack, swinging it over his shoulders and standing up. “I’m doomed to suffer in silence. Thanks, I guess, I’ll see you in class tomorrow. Please don’t tell anyone I told you all this.”

As Virgil is closing the classroom door behind him, he’s pretty sure he hears Mr. Regnant screeching.

Honestly, Virgil should be the one screeching. He can’t believe he just told him all that—who knows if Mr. Regnant will be able to keep the information of a crush concerning his nephew to himself?!

⁂

“Okay, here’s your mocha-with-extra-espresso, please don’t tell your Dads,” Uncle Patton says cheerfully, passing back a to-go cup to Logan. “And the chai! I think it’s very sweet that you keep getting this for him, kiddo.”

“Gestures are a good way to express affection,” Logan says anxiously, carefully setting the chai in a cupholder. “I’ve been trying to vary my approaches based off the five love languages. I’m not sure if it’s working.”

Uncle Roman in the passenger seat, his arm thrown over his eyes, makes a sound of great discontent, the way he’s been doing for the past week whenever Uncle Patton has tried to give him any advice concerning Virgil.

“Are you okay, Uncle Roman?” Logan asks again.

“Thinking about being the faculty supervisor to the GSA,” Uncle Roman moans, as if in pain.

“Is the club schedule about to be particularly busy?” Logan asks, frowning. “You typically enjoy your work with the GSA.”

“You could say that,” Uncle Roman says tightly, then groans again.

“Well, if there’s anything I can do personally, in order to relieve any undue stress,” Logan begins, but is cut off by Uncle Roman shrieking.

“Um,” Logan says, looking to Uncle Patton, who snorts, shaking his head.

“He just, um,” Uncle Patton says. “Well, I think something’s happened, except he told me he can’t tell me what it is without betraying someone’s trust, so.”

“I see,” Logan says, frowning, except for the part where he doesn’t see, really. But that happens fairly frequently with Papa and Dad. Honestly, it’s rather curious that Uncle Roman has not acted in a way that seems strange to outsiders. Dad does it all the time, and they’re twins.

Oh, well. He’s sure he’ll understand eventually.

“I’m fine,” Uncle Roman says, and he sniffs loudly. “I’m fine, it’s all—fine.”

Uncle Patton pats his hand sympathetically, before directing their car to school.

Logan sips his drink, before he says idly, “I think I’m going to tell him I’ve had a crush him today.”

Uncle Roman immediately spews coffee onto the windshield in an impressive spit-take. It is hilarious. Even though Uncle Roman is choking a little. 

Uncle Patton meets his eyes in the rearview mirror, his eyes bright with excitement. “Really?!”

“Really,” Logan confirms. “I mean, it’s been—it’s been a couple months. We are friendly enough. I do not think that Virgil will discard our friendship if I confess that I have had a crush on him since last year.”

“Well!” Uncle Patton says, so flustered that he accidentally turns on the windshield wipers when he means to signal a turn, and then when he tries to fix that he turns on his hazard lights, before he manages to get the car under control again. “Well, that’s great, kiddo! I’m so excited for you!”

“You are the smartest kid I know,” Uncle Roman says, turning in his seat to face Logan, his expression near-worshipful. “I love you.”

“Um. Thank you?”

“I know you don’t believe in psychics, but are you—?”

“Why are you bringing up psychics?” Logan says, perplexed. “I figured—well, I’ll tell him. And it is time that the Halloween festival will begin this weekend. That seems like a date that Virgil would enjoy.”

“Right,” Uncle Roman says. “Okay. Well—go for it! Please go for it!”

“I have already told you I will,” he says. 

“I think it’s gonna go great if you go for it!”

Strange. Uncle Roman is acting as if he has had too much caffeine. As far as Logan is aware, the beverage they have just stopped to get is his first coffee of the day, and he does not metabolize the effects of coffee that quickly.

“Right,” Logan says, adjusting his glasses and taking a sip of his coffee. Then, “Right.”

Then, “What if he says he doesn’t like me back?”

Uncle Roman throws his arm across his eyes and makes that same groaning sound again.

Uncle Patton absentmindedly reaches over and bracingly rubs Uncle Roman’s thigh, again meeting Logan’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

“Well, kiddo, if he says he doesn’t like you back,” he says, then frowns. “It’s understandable to be disappointed, or a little bit upset, but it’s important to accept his answer graciously and kindly. No means no. No is a full sentence. But Virgil seems like a very nice boy, I can’t imagine he’ll be very mean about it at all, and you two have gotten close over the past few months. It might be kind of awkward for a bit, but with a little work, your friendship will be able to survive it.”

“I suppose,” Logan says quietly, looking down at his lap.

“But,” Uncle Patton adds hastily, “I think the chances are really good for him saying yes to the date! We both do, don’t we, Roman?”

Uncle Roman lets out a very strangled “mm-hmm.”

Logan chews his lip, before he says timidly, “Can I borrow one of your phones to call my Dads?”

“Cupholder, just a bit in front of ya,” Patton says cheerfully. “You already know the password.”

Logan does. He swipes it in—his uncles’ wedding date—and presses on Papa’s contact number. Dad’s phone is lost more often than not, and almost always turns up in strange places, like inside the gateau he’d tried to make, or inside the neighbor’s rain gutters.

His father picks it up almost immediately.

“Patton, if this is about the adopt-a-thon, if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times—”

“Um, hi, Papa,” Logan says awkwardly; he does not want to get into the family squabble about sharing a pet between their households again. Eve is a sufficient pet, even if she’s not as cuddly as Uncle Patton might like.

His father’s voice transforms from chiding to concerned in a second. “Logan, is everything all right?”

“Yes, everyone is operating under adequate parameters,” Logan says. “Is Dad there?”

There’s the sound of something crashing in the background, as if on cue. Knowing Dad, it might have been.

“I’ll get him,” Papa says wearily.

He hears his Papa say Remus, our son is on the phone, please put down the—Uh, Jan, sexy-pie! I thought you were! On the way to work!—what the—REMUS, we’ve TALKED about this, how did you lay hands on a HERON—and then the conversation gets a good deal more muffled. He is pretty sure that Papa is shouting at Dad about capturing local wildlife again.

He waits patiently, before he hears the clatter of the phone being passed into someone’s hands, and Dad asks, “Did someone die?! Do you need help covering up a murder?!”

“Remus, please,” Papa groans, “the boy is too smart to implicate himself by opening the opportunity to be recorded over the phone lines.”

“That’s right, Logie-bear, the government is always watching,” Dad says solemnly. “Big brother, all hail. Also lean over and give my little brother a wet-willie for me, it’d be so funny—”

Logan, accustomed to conversations of this tone since birth, continues stolidly onward. “I’m going to tell Virgil I like him today.”

“Finally!” Dad hoots.

“That’s excellent, Logan,” Papa says placidly. “Please know that I am fully aware of the misogynistic roots of the what are your intentions discussion, and I’ve been doing research in order to make our version as feminist as possible. Also, your father has been warned to discuss minimal amounts of gore when he comes to our home.”

“What is the point of a shovel talk then!”

“We already agreed no shovel talk,” Papa says irritably. “When we threaten the boy, we’ll do it subtly.”

“Please don’t threaten him,” Logan says anxiously. “I don’t even know if he likes me back yet.”

“Of course he likes you back!” Dad says, outraged on his behalf. “Why the hell wouldn’t he like you back?!”

“How did you two know that you loved each other?” Logan asks. The question feels slightly childish, and he feels even more so when he curls up in his car seat, but he cannot deny the posture brings a certain level of comfort.

There’s a pregnant pause.

“We’ll tell you when you’re older,” Papa says.

“I’m sixteen in a matter of weeks!”

Dad makes an absurd gagging noise, because he is ridiculously averse to the concept of Logan (and therefore, himself and Papa) aging. Logan thinks that it might have to do with a latent existential crisis, but he has not asked, because knowing Dad, he will spin it out into thirteen separate absurd reasons, and ten of them will make Logan cringe away, repulsed.

“Trust my judgment on this,” Papa says. “You do not want to know the origins of how our romance developed. However, when we actually had the discussion concerning feelings, your father—”

“I wrote him a beautiful letter in my best calligraphy,” Dad says proudly, then, “You probably don’t want to hear about the ink, do you?”

“Is it disgusting?” Logan asks warily.

“Quite, but,” then, in a voice that literally every other person wouldn’t realize is Papa’s version of profound sappiness, “that’s your father.” 

There is the sound of kissing. Logan resists the urge to make a gagging noise of his own, because somehow, he is the mature one in the entire family.

“As it is, just,” Papa says, then sighs. “I cannot believe I am about to give such... Pattonish advice. But. As it is, just be yourself. If this boy likes you back—”

“—as he should, and if he doesn’t he’s in desperate need of a lobotomy,” Dad mutters.

“—then he will like you for you, just the way you are,” Papa says, as if Dad had not said anything remotely worrying. “Tap into your strengths, Logan. You are intelligent, and observant, and thoughtful—”

“—and the best son there is—”

“Well, that goes without saying, clearly,” Papa says. “As long as your confession comes from you, then there is no way that it can go wrong. You are simply too excellent a person for it not to.”

“Even if it turns out he doesn’t like me?” Logan says timidly.

“If it does, then have your uncle forge an excuse note for you to get out of school early today and we’ll plot accordingly,” Papa says evasively. “But I do not think that outcome likely.”

Logan chews his lip. Papa is the best liar he knows, but—

But hearing his encouragement is too comforting to really analyze if he is lying.

“Thanks, Dads.”

“Knock him dead, kid!” Dad shouts. “And if he doesn’t then I will!”

“What did we just say about discussing potential evidence over the phone lines,” Papa scolds, and Logan hangs up, smiling.

Just be yourself.

Uncle Pattonish advice it may be, it has given him an idea.

⁂

Waiting over this past week to see if Mr. Regnant will crack and spill to Mr. Morales, or even worse, Logan himself, has been absolutely agonizing and Virgil’s kicking himself over going to Mr. Regnant for advice surrounding Logan at all.

That morning, though, Mr. Morales is at his desk, and a chai is waiting for Virgil at their usual spot, but Logan is nowhere to be seen. Virgil tries his hardest not to act too much like he’s keeping an eye out for Logan, but he is pretty sure he’s not succeeding, because Mr. Morales is smiling at him way too wide.

He actually seems really excited about something. Like, Mr. Morales usually gets excited when it’s fresh chocolate chip cookie day at lunch, but this is beyond the pale for fresh chocolate chip cookie day. Maybe the assembly they have today is something special? Except Virgil’s pretty sure it’s to pass out honors for the last quarter and talk about fall sports. That’s nothing particularly special.

Logan slides into his seat just before the bell rings, though, wrapping a rubber band around one of his notecard stacks. It’s a thin stack, it must be for something that’s just started; usually Logan compiles every unit of every class into thick stacks, able to be differentiated by the different colors of the notecards. These are just basic white ones.

He fiddles with it, darting looks to Virgil as Patton takes attendance, and, as they’re all filing out of the door, Logan holds out the stack of notecards.

“Here,” he blurts out.

Virgil blinks. “I don’t think we have a test soon?”

“They’re not for a test,” Logan says. “Just—take them. Read them during assembly. Please,” he adds belatedly.

“Uh,” Virgil says and takes them. “Okay?”

“Okay!” Logan says and nods. “Okay. Okay. Great! Um—please take your time to consider them carefully, and I await your response,” and then he practically runs off to fall into line near Mr. Regnant.

So that’s... weird.

But Virgil sticks the notecards into his hoodie pocket, anyways, ready to read them during assembly like Logan directed.

He waits until the principal is droning on about the importance of school spirit to take the notecards out of his pocket.

He spares a glance for Logan—who is several rows ahead, near the faculty, sitting next to Mr. Morales and Mr. Regnant, Mr. Morales occasionally reaching over to rub Logan’s shoulder bracingly—and then angles the notecards so that a teacher looking into the crowd wouldn’t really be able to see them.

He stares at the title on the top notecard. Blinks hard. Blinks again. Looks down at Logan’s back, then back to the notecard.

Reasons why I have a crush on Virgil.

He reaches over to pinch himself. Nope. Not dreaming, then.

And Logan really doesn���t seem like the type of person to make a joke like this.

He flips the cards and reads them slowly, savoring each and every word written in Logan’s blocky, neat script.

He is exceptionally witty.

He is knowledgeable about a great many things, such as music, art, spiders, novels, and mental health issues.

He is sarcastic.

He is thoughtful and deliberate in the formation of his opinions, even ones as small as the proper preparation of chai.

He is very handsome.

He is never rude without reason, and when he is rude, it is usually because the other person is “an asshole” and should be receiving backlash.

He is a remarkably talented artist.

Virgil keeps reading on, he is, he is, he is...

When he gets to the end—I would like to take you on a date. I would also like to be boyfriends, though I understand if you would like to table that conversation until we have established a rapport. Please let me know if you would be amenable to that suggestion.—he feels kind of dizzy. His throat is tight, his heart is pounding, and his hands are so sweaty he’s had to wipe them off on his jeans twice already.

Is it really possible that someone as wonderful as Logan would think of him so highly? 

It’s like he’s describing someone entirely different—awkward, anxious Virgil couldn’t possibly be the snarky, witty, caring, deep-thinking guy that Logan’s writing about. There’s just no way. But, Virgil thinks, heart twisting, but Logan doesn’t lie about things like this. Is this the way Logan sees him?

Is it really possible that someone as wonderful as Logan would have a crush on him at all?

He likes Virgil. He wants to take Virgil on a date. He wants Virgil to be his boyfriend.

There’s the rumbling of everyone standing up from the bleachers, and Virgil jumps—has it really been the entire assembly?—and hastily gets to his feet, so he won’t get swept up in the crowd of students returning to their classrooms.

As he’s heading for the door, Logan practically materializes in front of him, hugging his books tightly to his chest.

“Did you read them?” He asks fretfully. Now that Virgil’s close to him, face-to-face, he isn’t sure if he’s ever seen Logan so nervous. He isn’t sure if he’s seen Logan nervous at all. Logan’s shifting his weight from foot to foot, drumming his fingers on his books, holding the books like they’re a teddy bear.

“Do you,” Virgil says, his voice cracks, and he clears his throat. “You really like me?”

“Since last year,” Logan admits.

“I’ve liked you since kindergarten,” Virgil blurts out.

Logan blinks at him, jaw dropping. Then he says, “Really?!”

“Really,” Virgil promises. “My mom has this journal entry saved where I kept writing about how I was going to be Mr. Virgil Sanders, oh my God, she’s going to be so embarrassing about this—”

Logan snorts, ducking his head. “You’ve withstood my uncles handily.”

“Your uncles are cool, though,” Virgil says, confused.

“My uncles are embarrassing,” Logan says, “and my Dads are going to be so weird, I’m very sorry in advance, but—but if you can handle all of that, then I’d—I’d really like to take you out to the Halloween festival. I’d really really like that.”

Virgil’s smiling so wide that it hurts his face. “I’d really really like that too.”

And then the bell rings, and the pair of them jump at the sudden loud noise.

“I—we have to go to class,” Logan says, sounding very put out.

“Yeah,” Virgil says, then, “I’ll see you at lunch?”

Logan beams at him. “Lunch sounds wonderful.”

Virgil hesitates, before he reaches out and places a hand on Logan’s shoulder. He leans in and presses his lips to Logan’s cheek.

Logan’s bright red when he pulls away.

“Lunch?” Virgil confirms.

“Lunch,” Logan squeaks out, his voice cracking.

They emerge from under the bleachers, and have to split ways. Even when Mr. Regnant pulls him out into the hall under the guise of talking about his project and starts whisper-shouting about “do you know how HARD IT WAS to keep QUIET when i KNEW all along that you both LIKED each other bacK,” even when Mr. Morales ducks his head into his math class to pass over papers and gives Virgil some super-obvious thumbs up, even after he texts his Mom and his mom sends him screenfuls of exclamation points and immediately asks him to invite Logan over so that she can show Logan all of Virgil’s baby pictures—

Virgil cannot stop smiling.

#my post #text #my fic #analogical #analogicalweek #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #virgil sanders #logan sanders

[dannypuro]

In the tags of the last ask you mentioned Enjolras has younger sibling energy, so I'm here to ask...well, seeing as how he didn't have any actual siblings, his cousins must have meant a great deal to him, as evident in the story. What exactly was his relationship with them like? Did he have a favourite cousin? Drop the details about the Enjolras family, if there are any.

YOU!!! YYOU are asking the things that i would like to talk about!!!!!! yes!!!!!!! here are my ideas on enjolras’s family growing up. i am emotional. (Something Telling-verse)

enjolras grew up in his family’s home in drôme, which is a region in the south-east of france. and his family was decently wealthy--not aristocratic, but well-to-do, especially given their rural location. he grew up just a little bit of a country boy--at least compared to the people he met once he moved to paris for school--but they weren’t farmers, or anything, the adults were just pretty lax about the kids being proper when there weren’t any guests around

in his house: his grandmother; his mother’s older sister, her husband, and their many children; the widow of his mother’s brother (dead in some military conflict when enjy was just a little babby) and her children; enjolras’s mother and father and enjolras himself

i think that enjolras had a lot of cousins--eight or nine, though some of them were quite a bit older than him and got married and moved out of the house when enjolras was still a kid. but most of them were around and still living with the family (or at least very nearby) by the time enjolras left for paris, since people tended to move out of their parents’ houses at a later age back in the 19th century.

the age gap between enjy and his cousins is pretty significant--i’ll say all the other cousins are spaced pretty evenly over a ten-year range (maybe with a pair of twins thrown in there), and then there’s an eight-year gap between the youngest of the other cousins and enjolras. pretty significant, but understandable--his mother was the youngest of her siblings, and she got married late, for the time period, and then it just took a while for her and her husband to get pregnant. it happens! but it means that enjy is really, really the baby of the family. 

all the cousins pretty much grew up as siblings, because there’s no sense in treating some kids as siblings and others as cousins if you’re all growing up in the same house, so it was a really tight-knit, affectionate household. vibes only. and when enjy was born, there hadn’t BEEN a baby in a while, so pretty much everyone in the family was just like..... Our Baby Now. including the children. he pretty much got carried around 24/7, since there were so many people in the house. also, you KNOW he was an adorable baby. come on. listen to your heart... it’s what victor hugo would want.

when he got a little older, he just got hauled around with all the big kids outside. it’s fun to have a little kid running around with you! he was a sweet child! so he was really close with his cousins, despite the age gap. it only got a little bit sad for him when all of the cousins that he grew up with--not counting the very oldest ones, because they were always adults to him--started getting married and moving out. and after a while he got a little left behind, which is natural, since they were all of age and going out to balls and he was 10 and stuck at home with his grandma. such is life.

he was closest with the cousin he was closest to in age (makes sense), Dafné. they were buddies! she was pretty much a big sister figure to him, growing up, and she had a baby just before enjolras left for paris. enjolras thought that baby was the best baby in the world. (he totally planned on going back to visit, to see how the baby was growing up, but he got a little too caught up in things. file under: enjolrasian regrets)

but he and dafné wrote each other, even when he was away! pretty consistently! i like to think that she was kind of his sounding-board for his essays and his political writings and his plans. Comrade Dafné. 

enjolras wrote her with the news of lamarque’s death, and the fact that there was a revolution brewing, a few days before the barricade. it didn’t arrive in drôme until after the 6th, but she wrote back, anyways, begging him to be careful, not to be too hasty, to consider the good that he could do for the cause if he did not throw his life away heedlessly. and by the time that letter arrived in paris, somebody new had already moved into enjolras’s apartment, but they saved the letter, anyways.

once the news of the june rebellion made the papers in the south, and once enjolras didn’t write, after, for weeks and then months, no matter how many letters dafné sent, his family was pretty sure of his death. the authorities contacted them, eventually, looking to arrest him, but they informed them that there was no use searching, that he was dead, for he had sworn to come home for christmas, that year, and the holiday had passed and he hadn’t even written an excuse, hadn’t even written at all.

dafné’s third child is a girl, but she names her after enjolras, anyways. a little françoise-marie, ready to cause trouble/be emotionally repressed.

(later, some time in the 21st century, musichetta will find a file of letters with enjolras’s name on them in the archives while she’s doing some research for the library. they’re written in occitan, so she can’t read them, but she sends the scans to grantaire, just to see if enjolras would recognize the sender--a dafné maurel, née enjolras.)

ANYWAYS, i am tipsily answering all asks tonight ask me anything u desire....... send me ur headcanons....... ask me ur questions.......... i have finished my exams and i am free.......

#something telling #enjolras #les miserables #Anonymous

[redstaratmorning]

Amnesia: The Dark Descent - Astarion

Ahoy there me hearties! It is time to embark on yet another long voyage into the seas of discovery and character exploration, to fill in the details of the blank map with speculation and musings alongside the occasional sea serpent drawing! Tonight we are once more focused on Astarion from Baldur’s Gate 3, and we set sail with navigation logs that include Scents And Sensibilities, or more specifically how both taste and smell might impact Astarion as a vampire and his perception of the world. The second major topic of speculation would be the one that gave this post its title: amnesia possibilities with speculations on the influence of torture and starvation for induced memory loss. This is of course all speculation based on early access content, so beware of spoilers upon the horizon! Content warnings include discussion of food items, consumption of food, consumption of rotting food, graphic descriptions, maggots, insects, emetophobia, vampirism, blood, dark backstories, abuse, torture, horror, and other themes typical of the Baldur’s Gate 3 setting. Spoilers for both Baldur’s Gate 3 and some spoilers for Amnesia: The Dark Descent and Amnesia: Justine included. Google story details of the Amnesia series at your own risk, these tags are intended to be reflective solely of mentioned elements in this essay, not of all potentially disturbing content in those games.

So with the starting fact of how closely the senses of taste and smell are in real life, what does this mean for Astarion and other vampires in DND when it comes to how things smell versus how they taste? Referencing another of Pjenn’s fine posts regarding everyone’s favorite local vampire spawn, Astarion has a line regarding consuming a treacle tart from Auntie Ethel’s cottage: “Hell’s teeth! Was solid food always so foul?” [click here for a link to said post]  Now this could just be because Auntie Ethel is a hag and cooks horrible food, and according to tumblr there are poisonous apples to be found at her place as well. [Alas no post citation to confirm the poisonous apples.] If Astarion’s reaction isn’t due to Ethel being a terrible cook, and is more to do with the fact that he’s a vampire, then that’s a horse of a different color. Presumably, through speculation based on his surprise and lack of disgust prior to consumption of foodstuffs, standard humanoid foods likely still smell or at least smell similar to how they used to smell to him when he was alive. An apple still smells like an apple, as it were. It may just be that instead of Astarion feeling hunger at the smell of an apple, it might be more akin to smelling pleasant like apple-scented perfume or such though for him...curiously, that would suggest that he did not try or more likely could not try to eat anything of the sort under Cazador’s rule. On that note, it would be a certain flavor of tragedy for regular humanoid foods to still smell appetizing and edible to Astarion but taste like ash in his mouth, or worse. But how does food fit for vampires smell to Astarion? Namely, blood, of course. Though one might wonder at rare steak or other cuts of meat still bloody to the taste—could he eat beef tartare and enjoy it, for example? Sashimi or other raw seafood? That’s straying into headcanon territory though. Back on topic, in the one camp scene where everyone is feeling ill with the beginning sensations of ceremorphosis, he mentions “I can smell the blood in your mouth” on one dialogue branch. It could be that the two are standing awfully close together while discussing matters, and/or the MC’s bleeding a pretty significant amount and the scent is quite noticeable, or Astarion’s got a pretty keen sense of smell, or a combination of the above. It probably smells pretty good if it tastes as good as Astarion’s reactions and comments would strongly suggest, and if we’re going to go wild with fun fantastical interpretations, I’d put forth the idea of Astarion being able to smell the difference between different people’s (or animals’) blood at close range. If Larian puts the following datamined not-present-in-game-yet scene in, the former idea would tie in very nicely with how Astarion speculates on how the different companions’ blood might taste, from this datamined text post once again kindly provided by Pjenn. [click here for text post link, bottommost “tastingparty” section] Transcription of some of the possible lines in question (not in the game at time of writing, and possibly may not appear in the final game): “Take Gale, for example. He strikes me as someone whose blood is rich, refined like a well-aged brandy.” “Take Wyll, for example. A man of the people, very palatable, like a sweet cider.” Above lines chosen for their more descriptive wording, thus why the other party members (both current and future as of this time of writing) are not added in the above examples. Astarion is quite colorful in his descriptions of how he thinks some of the companions’ blood would taste, based off of their personalities. So what does everyone’s various MCs’ blood taste like? There could be delightful variety based on the details of the various MCs’ personalities and personal life histories, I’ve seen some explorations on the dash here and there which is delightful, and I’d shan’t say no to seeing more. It is a beautiful opportunity for character exploration regarding the MC, Astarion’s perception of them, the reality of who they are (and perhaps Astarion shifting said perception of them), and all around a great potential moment to have some fun writing descriptive prose if one is so inclined. One internet search later, I will say that it appears that reddit and other google search sources do seem to suggest that in real life the blood from various different species of animals looks and tastes different from one another, even without going into factors such as age and health’s impact on blood. If we as normal humans are able to tell the difference in that, it seems reasonable to think Astarion would be able to do that and more with supernatural augmentation as the basis for that line of thinking. What do people smell like to him? Different from one another one might suppose. Is that part of what informs his imaginings and wonderings about how their companions’ blood might taste? Individuals tend to smell unique to some degree, due to body chemistry among other factors. One would expect blood to be a factor in that, seeing as that’s how many hormones and such get sent about the circulatory system—which might mean Astarion (and our potential future weregnome companion) may have more of a time having to deal with the whole party foregoing soap for better or for worse, unless Gale or Shadowheart have a Summon/Conjure Soap spell, or perhaps the MC is a ranger who can find a soap plant. Not a great time to have a sensitive nose potentially, though foregoing soap and thus additional layered scents like floral infusions and such might be beneficial. One can only imagine hunting might turn out better for the entire party’s dinner-scrounging efforts by not alerting the local wildlife that there’s someone about who smells like a potpourri bowl...though that’s another idea, does Astarion volunteer to go hunting moreso for the party in order to be able to drain blood from the kills? One would bleed and gut a carcass anyway as part of the processing, so who would know if he drank it dry versus bled it out with a knife from a tree? Moving on though, imagine what it must’ve been like the first time after he rose up from being turned and he smelled another living person’s blood, only to feel his mouth suddenly start watering. Was he confused? Repulsed? Horrified? Startled, but accepting? There’s potential ripe for the picking to interpret that in any number of ways, including conflicted and complicated in multiple directions all at once, which his actions and emotional depictions might suggest so far in early access. Imagine the torment of being ravenous every night—and I am personally impressed that Astarion actually can keep his mental faculties and presentation together well enough to seduce someone given potential speculation of his physical state,—and knowing only a meager portion of the most putrid, rotting rat flesh awaited him back at Cazador’s mansion, while he had to interact and seduce with people who smelled just so good to his vampiric senses. Consider the added twist of the knife in Cazador’s torment of Astarion with the fact that one can consider saliva to be filtered blood—if one headcanons Astarion as actually being quite physical with his seduction up to and including kissing of any kind. Consider also, the fact that if Astarion has shared a kiss with one of the unfortunate victims-to-be, he might have more of an idea of what they might taste like but must also now sit and SMELL their fresh-spilled blood right from the vein, right there in front of him, and watch while Cazador enjoys his own supper, while being forced to down a disgusting rotting carcass under threat of punishment. [in-post content warning: Graphic description of rotting dead rat carcass, food, maggots, etc in the next paragraph] Did Astarion throw up the first several times? Cazador would’ve surely punished him for so “rudely” rejecting a dinner all set out especially for Astarion and everything. To get to the point where one can consume let alone look at and smell a plate of rotting food,—specifically a dead rat with the fur still attached, the guts bloating up and putrifying from within, that very well might have live, wriggling maggots in it,—and not vomit? It must be one hell of a potent cocktail mix between primal hunger-driven desperation and fear of punishment applied over a prolonged period of time for Astarion to actually be able to consume that, let alone look upon it. This essay by the by will not be doing any in-depth exploration of the overarching situation relating to the victims’ point of view, as I feel that’s been implied in previous meta posts by both myself and others on Astarion, in the “Clearly The Other Victims Have It Bad Too And No One Deserves To Suffer Cazador” thread of implications.  We are however acknowledging that all of this experience for everyone else, aside from Cazador, is Fucked Up And Very Very Bad. Continuing past acknowledgements of the large moral cluster of ideas over yonder, let us move forward into the “present” time when Astarion has joined the party, and no one is as of yet aware that he is a vampire. Consider the scenario where he can smell their individual scents, but it’s nothing he hasn’t handled before, even if he seems to be...curiously free of the immediate need to get back to Cazador right away, while still wrapping his head around this bizarre new reality of walking in the sun. The inescapable reality of how different everything looks bathed in the all encompassing colors of sunlight, compared to moonlight and lantern light. Be it the blinding yellow, white, and blue of the noon time sun, or the violent golds, oranges, reds clashing against the violently deep blue shadows of night’s approach during the fall of twilight, or the brilliant and mellow pale grandeur of all the world’s color coming to life as the dawn breaks forth...it has been so long since last he saw any of that. Do you think he sat up specifically to watch that first dawn, while the other companions slept? It’s a beautiful thought. But I would follow that with the unfortunate potential consideration that he is starving—and when hunger eats away at one’s mind for long enough and in a demanding enough fashion, it can be remarkably difficult for a person to feel much of anything save very faint echoes of emotions or on the other extreme end only the strongest emotions, and more often than not those emotions are very likely to be the negative ones. Just about nobody’s happy when they’re starving after all. Astarion may very well feel awe at seeing the dawn again, but how deep does that feeling go, when instinct is screaming and gnawing at his very bones to insist that he is hungry? Famished. Starving. Appreciation for beauty is a privilege that is hard to enjoy at all in any degree of depth when the basic needs are wailing inside one’s head so loudly.  And he can smell his companions’ blood, even when they’re not bleeding. He has also smelled their blood spill out into the open air too, during fighting. How does that eat at him, how does that sharpen his appetite so? Does it make his stomach twist in pain to smell what his senses are clamoring for and labeling as food so close, so near, as he slowly loses his mind waiting all day for the party to break camp so he can try to slip away and hunt? Does he catch anything? He does find some animals canonically in some encounters, but there is no guarantee he will find enough without expending strenuous effort, assuming he finds anything at all on a given night. And his luck does run out eventually it would seem. One night he just doesn’t have any reserves left in him to go hunt down another animal, to take another gamble that’s stacked even higher against him with how badly off he is. Does he feel an uncomfortable chill set in, cooling his blood and rendering his flesh even colder than his normally low body temperature standards as his undead form slips just a little bit closer to a semblance of true death, whether or not he can starve to death as a vampire? Do his hands shake? Can he think at all as thoughts fade in and out from hunger-induced weakness? Can he think through the haze of sensation and awareness if he breathes in through his nose, his open mouth, inhaling a lungful of the smell and taste of living blood right there? The smells that he’s grown familiar with over these last few days? The companion origin for Astarion definitely seems to spin it towards needing to know if he can resist Cazador’s orders now, but consider this thought: imagine the progression of realization that Astarion might have as he considers the idea that he could resist Cazador’s rules, with the lack of magical-compulsion to return to Cazador’s side right away. That if Astarion himself is no longer bound by those supernatural, unyielding, magically-enforced laws, he can also drink the blood of thinking creatures. He can drink the blood of people. He can drink the blood that he’s been smelling the enticing scents of this entire time. The blood that is right. There. And he is starving. Imagine how that must feel, that pupil-dilating moment of realization as muscles tense and the next breath comes in as a sharp inhale at the instantaneous, primal understanding that you can have food, real food, good food, right then and there when you feel like you’re dying for something, anything to stop the hunger from eating you alive from the inside out. And all you have to do, is take it. Humans in real life can potentially have very predatory responses to hunger at times, especially when it comes to hunting down prey animals, and when it comes to spotting an easy meal when one is working on empty reserves. Imagine how that can scale up for a vampire...and for Astarion, this is the first time he’s been free to actually choose to act on those instincts. Cazador’s rules have always been the backbone holding him in place as surely as the mindflayer prison pods kept everyone well and truly trapped—until our merry lot was broken free. Now though? The only thing standing between Astarion and his sleeping, delicious-smelling companions’ blood, is his own will and choice. That has to be equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. He’s never been free like this—free, with vampiric needs clamouring for his attention. Free, as a vampire, spawn or otherwise. But does he want to? I would actually suspect he feels conflicted about that on multiple levels, given a possible line Auntie Ethel might say should you fight her. ”You’re one thirsty night away from betraying everyone!” [One of Auntie Ethel’s taunts when using Vicious Mockery during her potential fight, linked here in astarions-ears’s post.] On the one hand: the power to take what he wants, what he needs, is at his fingertips. Much like how the power of the tadpole is. It could help him protect himself, be stronger, do whatever he wants...just like the tadpole power. This whole situation is a mess of temptation in the long term for Astarion in so many ways. On the other hand though...I suspect based on that line from Ethel above, assuming it makes it into the final version of the game, given that it’s used during a casting of Vicious Mockery, I would say there’s fair grounds to assume Astarion does have at least reservations about betraying the party, at the very least with the hesitation given rise from self-serving desires such as wanting to have a group of people in his corner. I would say though, it wouldn’t cut so deep, and wouldn’t be so vicious a mockery, if he didn’t care that it was betrayal. I think it safe to say that if he truly didn’t care in some shape or form, Ethel would’ve ended up mocking some other aspect of Astarion’s personality or insecurities, likely something along the lines that everything he does is futile as he will still end up killed or enslaved by either Cazador or others (such as the party and MC having so much sway over his life and choices), rather than needling him about betrayal of all things.  Another reservation he might have from lack of experience is that he’s never hunted other people for his own food before. He might never have hunted for someone personally of his own free will before this point, either. That little nuance could be a hook on which he hangs onto for dear life—or unlife—in order to keep what remains of his perceived identity. Who does he want to be, and among those details, what must he be, in order to survive? What can he avoid doing? Does he want to be what he perceives as a monster? Is he hoping not to become a monster, to validate that he isn’t one already, based on his conversation after you catch him trying to steal some of the MC’s blood? “I’m not some monster!” There’s also the line from the post-Raphael first meeting, “If I keep the tadpole, I risk turning into a monster.” which all seem to imply that Astarion draws a line between what he thinks is and isn’t monstrous, much like in the first meeting with Astarion where if you tell him about the tadpole, he laughs bitterly and goes, “Of course it’ll turn me into a monster.” Isn’t that an interesting turn of phrase? It implies so much fertile ground for speculating on what he thinks of both his own vampirism, and what precisely makes someone or something a monster. The MC has come into Astarion’s life at such a fascinatingly crucial point in time, beyond just Astarion’s sudden new freedom, however fragile, from Cazador. Because of that freedom, this is also the time of exploration and self-definition for Astarion to decide who he is, and who he will be, a coming-of-age if you will, which is hysterically ironic and well-played by Larian Studios in my opinion given that he is almost assuredly going to be the chronologically oldest member of the main party. This dovetails so very neatly into the MC’s already obvious potential influence on how Astarion views his condition, other people, the world around him, his own self and morality...it’s really just so rife with potential. This particular part is nothing too new, just added detail and layering on top of previous musings in past posts, but there are elements of interest to examine I think. Personally, I was inclined to guess Astarion as being older, even as elves go, based largely on the fine lines one can see upon his face when he’s emoting, some elements of his attitude and dialogue—(“A fine effort, but I’ve seen it all. I was walking this land while your ancestors were learning to crawl.” - said if you fail a skill check during his recruitment scuffle)—but looking at some of these other elements has me reconsidering that. Perhaps he was more on the young adult side of the elven age range, rather than middle aged prior to being turned? If he can retain scars as a vampire under the living conditions Cazador subjected him to, perhaps he also has stress-related aging tells, since it seems from other DND materials (Curse of Strahd I believe has a vampire locked in a basement that’s largely starved of blood if I recall correctly? I am uncertain of the details regarding the situation unfortunately) that vampires can at least show physical deterioration when it comes to being starved for blood. It would be an entertaining take in my personal opinion to see an older character having a coming-of-age growth type arc, since those are almost always strongly associated with a relatively narrow range of ages from teenaged-to-middle-twenties-ish protagonists and characters. Whichever way Larian goes with it though, it is looking quite promising just based on the overall quality of the various game elements so far. To build on that possible theme interpretation though, there is another element that I think ties into Astarion’s uncertain age as well—how much he remembers of his life before Cazador, and how much life there was to remember to begin with. One might generally presume that the older a character is, the more time they’ve had and thus more opportunity to learn, to be exposed to life experiences, to garner wisdom. Often, this also tends towards a certain amount of cementing of a person’s outlook, personality, and other core traits along with potential varying levels of self-awareness regarding those elements. It goes without saying that people do still change sometimes dramatically other times gradually over the course of their lives, but typically the more easily-influenced vibes commonly go with younger and/or more naive character builds, though not always of course. Without addressing significant or otherwise notable exceptions, specific nuances or variations though, there is something of a vague expectation and template starting-base that older characters and personalities are typically more “put together”, “collected”, and less likely to be outright mutable. Astarion though? As a character in an RPG that is built upon the foundations of choices, in a DND world where choice IS the defining feature in both character expression and storytelling? His core will remain as himself I’m sure, but by the very nature of the game attempting to make this an enjoyable experience for the audience, odds are very good that Astarion will be heavily influenced in his outlook into a set number of branched endings based on what the MC chooses to say and do. But I have some potential suspicions now that Astarion might actually be a touch more malleable in some parts of his outlook and manner beyond the influence of just the aforementioned elements above. Consider the following lines Astarion currently has in Early Access, including one mentioned previously: “Hell’s teeth! Was solid food always so foul?” [Said in the previously posted link above when eating a treacle tart for presumably the first time, stolen from Auntie Ethel’s before illusion is lifted.] “I’ve seen so little of the world. Still, there’s time now.” [Looking at a globe, post linked here, from Pjenn’s blog] “I haven’t spent much time with helpless old ladies. Was that normal?” [If you kill Mayrina’s brothers and Auntie Ethel disappears into thin air. Video from Danaduchy on youtube linked here] “Probably wise. No one gets that old and crooked playing by the rules.” [Same conversation as above mentioned in the video regarding Auntie Ethel if the second option “I’m not sure. We should watch ourselves around her.” is chosen in response to Astarion’s question.] While one could certainly retain youthful or what one might call immature or dramatic inclinations even through to one’s golden years, I am on the fence on how far Astarion’s presentation is strictly personality-based versus influenced by a possible lack of diverse life experiences. Nature versus nurture, as it were. The first of the above quotes seem to suggest he hasn’t done much traveling, and may have some wanderlust in him (potentially hinting at moon elf wanderlust leanings?), but then why wasn’t he out traveling? Why did he become a magistrate? There is much life to be lived in great depth and diversity when one stays in one place, true. But we really know so little about Astarion’s past before Cazador, all in all, and that intriguingly puts him back in step with most of the other companions at this point of backstory reveal, I’d say. If we include Cazador’s influence, I’d say we’ve seen quite a bit more of his story than most of the others because there’s a lot more visibility and immediately-threatening emotional tension in his story, even when compared to Gale’s, surprisingly, followed by Wyll’s, Shadowheart’s, and then Lae’zel’s as of what I personally have seen of their stories (my knowledge may be lacking, even as far as Early Access content goes.) To be fair though, Astarion is the one who thus far shows the most visible, dramatic expressions of fear and trauma regarding his backstory than all the rest, so that would be a major factor as to why it feels like we’ve seen more of his tale, among other factors. Regarding life experiences within a more geographically limited area though—that puts some of Astarion’s comments as even more markedly odd to me. Specifically those comments of his after Auntie Ethel poofs away into thin air, should the party slay Mayrina’s brothers for Ethel, “I haven’t spent much time with helpless old ladies.” Perhaps his specification is the helpless part, but even if he was spending time with powerful old ladies, who asks “is it normal for the elderly to disappear into thin air like that?” He must have met some older people, ladies included, as Baldur’s Gate is not a strictly elven city, according to the wiki its demographics are mostly human but widely diverse. [Link to wiki page here.] This is especially strange if he’s of a noble background and was ostensibly working with other government officials, one would expect a range of ages with plenty of older individuals present both in his work and social circles, even if only in passing. That’s just not adding up, especially if it’s a genuine question, which his expressions and tone of voice during his inquiry in addition to his responses afterwards to the MC’s various dialogue options all seem to suggest if not confirm. If that question was coming from a young character who hasn’t seen the world, one would assume they were just incredibly sheltered. What does it mean coming from Astarion? What’s even stranger is that Astarion is the one who baits the MC into a trap using a similar disception upon meeting—”Hurry, I’ve got one of those brain things cornered!” One would think Astarion would recognize a ruse like that as one of the oldest tricks in the book: pretend to be helpless to get someone else to do the dirty work for you. Such a trick often is pulled off well especially when the pretender is either a) pretty/handsome, b) innocent looking (young or otherwise), c) dressed in a uniform or clothes that have helpful connotations for snap judgements in one’s favor (e.g. wearing good-aligned clergy garments), d) helpless looking (young, old, specific subgroups depending on culture, disabled, etc), or has other elements to their advantage there. If Astarion doesn’t recognize that particular ruse, which he doesn’t seem to, that has additional implications going on for him. If he did recognize the ruse, one would expect his reaction to be much more in line with Shadowheart’s. If he recognized it and was hiding it, one would think he wouldn’t want to play stupid, if only for pride’s sake—for all that Astarion has done things that have unquestionably humbled him, his penchant for verbal wit and criticism (various insults aimed at the MC and others regarding their intellect/stupidity) and touchy ego makes playing stupid seem like a very emotionally taxing and potentially painful thing for him to do, and thus not worth the mental/emotional effort in what looks like a very low-stakes situation. He seems too impulsive and reactive to be planning out a long-term con of hiding his intelligence, he makes far too many quips to pull that off at this point. Assuming Astarion does indeed not recognize the ruse beforehand, some of the possible implications for that could speculate on his overall awareness of his techniques when it comes to deception and manipulation. He definitely can spot it on occasion based on a narrated internal monologue line presumably from his origin— *I gave her a hard look. Never play a player.* [Linked to the audio of this line here from scionsandsinners’s blog] That he spots it in the potential origin line above, but presumably not with Auntie Ethel, might suggest that his experience is likely limited to within certain restricted lanes of behavior, likely seduction were one to guess based on what we know of his backstory and some datamined emotional directions/descriptions for voice acting, along with speculation based on his in-game behavior and demeanor. That would potentially push him moreso towards appearing when being manipulative to be doing so out of either self-perceived need (e.g. defending personal interests, inquiring after information of interest, etc), learned response, social norms, and other short term motivations that are more situational than long-term planning. I admit I’m still personally not of the opinion he’s playing a long-term game, and is playing it by ear as he goes—both honestly and not-so-honestly, as mentioned in previous posts on the subject. [Mentioned past essay post of mine linked here] In regards to short-term machinations, I think they’re all largely emotion or survival driven, as far as we’ve seen. I would include the voice acting direction for the romance scene where it’s noted that this is a power game for Astarion and that he’s an old hand at seducing others. Specifically from the synopsis: “For Astarion, this is a game of power - one he’s played many times before in the taverns of Baldur’s Gate, trying to lure people back to his master. He’s an old hand at seduction, very self-assured at first, but the player might not go along with the script he expects them to follow.” [Link to Pjenn’s post here.] I’ve seen intriguing, angsty, and fun takes on what this might mean all around tumblr, so allow me to offer up an additional one that might either compliment some of the already circulating pre-existing ones, or stand on its own depending on personal preference. Consider what power means to Astarion in the context of seducing someone specifically when it’s to lure them back to Cazador’s mansion under orders. It truly isn’t power in the sense of anything one might consider meaningful even under broad definitions. It’s a short-term deception, appealing to someone enough to get them to do what he wants for a short time, likely just enough time to flirt and then bait them back to Cazador’s estate (we’ll be skipping over speculation of anything else Astarion and company might get up to between point A and point B in this essay for simplicity’s sake, though there is much to consider on how it might impact his behavior and outlook there.) One of the specific words of interest I would say is the use of “script” in there. I’m sure others can hear it too when they listen to his dialogue during the party romance scene, but it really does sound like he’s putting on a tried-and-true act that might come across as a little over the top in romantic-dramatic-flair. One potential inference that can be gleaned from this might be some of Astarion’s expectations regarding how people perceive him, and most specifically how people perceive him in a desirous way. I will admit, Astarion’s romance scene makes me laugh, I'm impressed he and the MC both can avoid laughing at his lines in-scene, no disrespect intended. To me, he sounds like he ripped those lines straight out of a torrid romance novel, the kind where women might have a momentary description of heaving, delicate bosoms barely constrained by their bodice laces, while the men have had their shirts ripped open to display rippling muscles in a moment of romantic daring do. It makes me wonder if someone will go with a modern AU idea of BG3′s main crew that includes Astarion moonlighting as a much beloved romance/erotica writer under a nom de plume—the man has lines and characteristics that would shift well in such a verse-transposition. With that comparison in mind, I would suggest that Astarion is very, very used to playing the role of the illicit lover, the tempter of passions and other archetypes wherein he is the one confidently enticing people to cross the line of propriety with him for the implied, unspoken promise of a night filled with unparalleled ravishment. It might be he is fully, intentionally playing up to people’s fantasies about the passionate lover who falls madly in love with them at first glance. The fantasy of being so madly desired, as put forth by some romance stories. Then we have this other portion of the acting direction for the scene, “... very self-assured at first, but the player might not go along with the script he expects them to follow.” Isn’t that interesting? “Very self-assured at first,” why only at first? What changes? Does he have little doubts springing to mind then, because the realization that he knew, but didn’t really know until this moment when he feels the difference, that this isn’t just another routine night like all those other countless nights over the past two centuries where he had to tempt some poor, unfortunate soul back to Cazador’s waiting clutches? That this is someone he’s picked to spend the night with, solely for his own motivations, with no one else pulling the strings? Is it another moment of the realization of freedom, wherein he feels a touch terrified? Suddenly there is no script, there is no expectation of what he’s seen happen time after time after time after time to each person who’s looked at him the way the MC is looking at him now. Is it anxiety? Is it trauma? Is he feeling a moment of distant, cognitive dissonance that this time, this time, this person whom he’s picked, won’t be dead at the end of this? That he doesn’t have to hold them at arm’s length with the they’ll be dead soon or worse mentality he may have had previously...but can he afford to care? Does he dare? Whether he does or does not, it could be such a scary little moment of epiphany, that he even has the option to do so without immediate, horrendous repercussions. But can he really care, even without Cazador looming overhead as an immediate threat? Even if Cazador is slightly more distant now...there’s still the matter of the tadpoles. There is so much uncertainty potentially. Could this be the last chance he gets at having as close to a normal night of fully consenting, fully aware, mutual passion with another person as he can ever have, as a vampire spawn? Astarion could be interpreted as a character who is very strongly ruled by his emotions, in particular his fears and his desires. Does it befit his fears or his wants more to engage as he does in the romance scene? I’d guess moreso his fears, but it’s a fun back-and-forth he’s got as a character, zigzagging between those two extremes. He fears trusting as denoted in the dialogue from him if you fail the persuasion check asking him to trust you and to talk about who he dreamed about, but since you can persuade him...does that mean he wants to trust? If he speaks truthfully in this following scene, he does trust the MC to some degree out of necessity and/or the want to trust, as mentioned if you use the illithid powers in the camp bite scene where he’s revealed to be a vampire. He has likely been alone among the crowd of Cazador’s other spawn, given the lack of mention of anyone else, friend or otherwise, in his banter with Shadowheart regarding if there was anyone waiting for him back in Baldur’s Gate and other general conversations and discussions. That’s rather concerning truth be told, to go two hundred years with what might be a complete lack of positive or healthy social connection. Another thing Cazador has ripped away intentionally, it would seem. Does he want connection, meaningful friendship or otherwise? The fact that his approval rating has an impact on his manner of address of the MC or other selected origin character seems like it could be read as a suggestion that he does show whom he likes and dislikes openly in fairly standard socializing behaviors. That he does want to spend time around people whom he likes, who like him back. What would’ve been terribly clever of Larian (said without being able to compare all the different levels of approval shown via dialogue general greetings from the different companions), is if they had a character whose greeting was still amicable, polite, and most importantly friendly even when their approval of you was low. What if such a theoretical character’s greetings never changed, or changed very little aside from some variation at higher approval levels? That could be a great little twist of game mechanics to show either Something Isn’t Right, or that the character is a great liar, through meta knowledge on the player’s part of comparing all these disparate little details to compare and contrast. That kind of tell could be used to show that a character lacks either a degree of empathy and care for the main character, or that they are keeping the MC at arms’ length regardless of what the MC does (barring some potential high-approval impact and side-quest-completion that leads to influencing such a character, who might otherwise be a betrayer, into remaining loyal.) Seeing as Astarion lacks those major tells as of yet and that he does engage honestly either through persuasion or eventual revelation (such as if you fail the first dream-convo persuasion check, you find out from when he wakes up from nightmares regarding Cazador “reading poetry” what his dreams really were about), one could assume he does, in spite of all he’s been through, despite all the reasons he’s been given to fear, all the repetition beaten into his head to never trust another person ever again or to ever be trusted ever again... ...in spite of all that, perhaps a part of him still wants to reach out and engage with others. That some part of him still wants to interact as most if not all people do, in an emotionally meaningful and honest way. He says to the MC that he thinks they want to be known—and as I’m sure many of you clever lot who are in the shipping business alongside the rest of us have already thought or written out into fic, it very well may be that Astarion wants to be known too. Not just in the romantic or impassioned-love-affair manner of speaking, but simply for who he is, with both the MC and the rest of the group too. Accepted. Does he enjoy the little quips and barbs (assuming he actually is allowed to drink humanoid blood) such as from Shadowheart regarding his vampirism? Does that feel like a new, pleasant normal to him that he likes after a while? A joke between friends? Like the line “You know? I’m a little proud none of you were stupid enough to trust him!” [Linked here from scionsandsinners’s blog] while definitely still sporting his current insultingly low bar of expectations, it could be a nice potential build towards actually getting attached to the group on the whole as friends. Did he have that before he turned at all? Did he want that before? It seems likely given what we’ve seen of his raw emotional drive, that his potential desire for meaningful connection however obscured behind quips and barbs, that those elements were always a part of him in some way, shape or form. Does he remember, though? Or is it potentially something he’s forgotten, to some extent or other? Does he remember vaguely what friendship was like as another hollow memory among many, after so many years of torment wearing away at his mind? Do his friends from life if any still live? That could be bittersweet, if he did leave someone behind from when he was alive, that we might meet in Baldur’s Gate. He calls that Before—that time when he was still alive, before he lay dying and accepted Cazador’s offer of eternal life and was thus turned into a vampire spawn—so long ago it’s ancient history. “Everything before that is so long ago it’s ancient history and everything that came after…well uhm–I’d rather not reflect on it.” [Link here, from scionsandsinners] In some lines, tentatively guessed as post-vampire-status-reveal casual dialogue regarding his past before Cazador, relating to his days as a magistrate, he says he can’t remember what happened too clearly. “I…can’t remember much, truth be told–centuries of torment will do that to you.” [link from scionsandsinners blog]  According to google searches on the internet for DND rules regarding the turning of vampires and vampire spawn, they do seem to retain the memories of their life even into undeath. Astarion certainly could be obfuscating and lying about how much he remembers from back then...but consider this alternative as a possibility: What if he isn’t? [Spoilers for some of the Amnesia game series ahead, specifically Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and the DLC Amnesia: Justine.] What if he does have a certain degree of memory loss? Enter the comparison of Daniel and Justine both from Amnesia: The Dark Descent and the game’s DLC. Astarion, unlike the main character for Amnesia’s main campaign Daniel, did not technically volunteer for memory loss...unless one counts agreeing to take Cazador’s deal as volunteering, specifically without full and knowing consent of what he was getting into. Daniel in comparison knowingly and willingly ingests a potion to erase his memories, and leaves a note to motivate himself and thus the player to follow the course of ensuing events that make up the game. Justine does so in a similar fashion to Daniel, but her memory loss is intentionally temporary, whereas Daniel seems to have meant for it to be of a more permanent fashion. What if part of Cazador’s intentions regarding torturing his spawn, including Astarion, was to break down memories of happier times until those spawn could only remember that they had ever been happy once, not the actual memory, not the actual feeling—only the bitter, hollow forgetfulness and knowledge that they had known, once? Starvation is devastating in many, many, many ways. Ways that are so rarely fully explored in fiction beyond the feeling of extreme hunger. Few, after all, would consider the impact of malnourishment or a constant caloric deficit upon mental faculties unless they have observed it, experienced it, or studied it. It is possible to suffer actual physical brain damage from starving, so one must ask is it so surprising that the ability to think, comprehend, and process information, memory or emotion also falters when under the very real physical stress of prolonged famine? The brain eats up at least a fifth of the baseline caloric intake required for the average person’s bodily needs. It does not compromise well for less without the person in question suffering consequences for most if not all individuals. We know Astarion has not had more than enough to barely survive under Cazador, and the quality has been well below subpar at best. What if, after all he’s been through, with the exhaustion of constant fear and extreme pain, of unending ravenous hunger, and so much more...what if Astarion can’t remember much of before at all? What if he has forgotten chunks of his past? He does remember large, broad brushstrokes yes, the shape of ideas and what he once knew. The home he might long to see that he has not laid eyes upon in centuries [mentioned in the conversation with the Ornate Mirror if Astarion is the one talking to it (or does it require he be the chosen main origin?) I have no source available at this current time alas.] How much of that home does he remember in full? I’m sure he can recall some details...but are they the abstract knowledge of those details of what he knew they were like, or the actual memory?  Can you imagine the added layer of pain for an elf, if Larian is working with any of the racial features involving trancing, or the Reverie, if it’s built based off of the 2e DND Complete Book of Elves excerpt as mentioned in the following linked thread? [Posted by Remathilis, key word phrase is “The Reverie” or “The reverie is akin to sleep”, linked here] Specifically if these elements are at play:  “The reverie is akin to sleep, yet is very much unlike it. When elves enter this state, they vividly relive past memories, those both pleasant and painful. Like the dreaming of humans, elves have no control over which memories rise to the fore when they relinquish their bodies to the reverie. Occasionally, elves do actually dream, but this is not a frequent occurrence and mostly occurs only when they truly sleep.” “Although the reverie provides rest, it is primarily an important memory tool that helps the elf maintain a strong sense of identity. Since their lifespans are so great, elves must periodically recall the events in those hundreds of years that were integral to the making of their personality.”  This is from older versions of DND rules it’s true, but if it still applies, and applies to Astarion? This man has had over two hundred years’ worth of memories full of suffering and torment that, if he’s having traumatic PTSD nightmare episodes also helping to induce a higher frequency of recalling his torment at the hands of Cazador both during those centuries and afterwards, are potentially shaping his personality not only through the channels we can recognize in both fiction and the real world in psychological and physiological terms, but also supernatural or magical influences due to his being an elf and potentially shaped by the influence of what memories his reverie might dredge up. And the larger the number of traumatic, dark, fearful memories he has, the more likely he is to encounter them, especially if they’re coupled with a constant, ongoing fear of knowing these memories will be made anew each night unto infinity if he is stuck bound to Cazador’s service forever. Who wants to bet Cazador knew about this aspect of elven psychology/biology? Or at the very least speculated it, as far as having elven vampire spawn went? It will be interesting to see if there are other elven vampire spawn among Cazador’s underlings—either for the route of Cazador taking a particular extra pleasure in breaking elves because they are supposedly harder to influence in such a manner if he had others before Astarion, or if Astarion was the first elf Cazador turned, then perhaps Astarion received particular, special attention for being seen as an added challenge due to being an elf. Alexander from Amnesia however had to use a slightly defter touch to manipulate Daniel, having not so concrete a hold over him as Cazador over Astarion. But the torture of others, of fleeing to Alexander’s or Cazador’s promise of safety from an impending horror or threat of death, followed by a descent into the dark, unyielding despair of what Daniel or Astarion have done to survive? They do have potential parallels enough to make for a possible AU exploration in fics, certainly. One question that arises in this scenario of comparison though, is how much is Astarion aware of? How much of Cazador’s insidious influence does he recognize, in particular the more subtle parts that have seeped in over the years? Consider then the added layer of stark, blinding contrast, that he now has new memories, of new people, new experiences, in particular ones that are not torture or the anticipation of said torture, and it’s all in the daylight. Memories of daylight the likes of which he’s not had in two hundred years. Consider the mere color contrast from the lighting difference of daylight versus night time, like in the line where he asks  “Was the sky always this blue? It’s magnificent…” [Link here to the audio, presumed triggered after vampire status reveal] If he dreams in reverie and the memory that comes to mind is set in the daytime...would he feel a bit safer in hoping that it will be a safer, better dream, than if it’s set in the night time? Consider how much of a horrible, terror-inducing surprise it might be to dream of a sun-filled garden, only to see an idealized version of Cazador show up, a la the tadpole. That has to be the meanest surprise-twist Astarion could have for a dream setting there. But on other nights if he does not have memories of Cazador or tadpole dreams plaguing him, does he dream of the camp, the companions, the MC, the actions their group has undertaken? What does he think of those dream-memories? Are they only relatively restful compared to the other dark memories lurking in his head, or are these new daylight-filled memories actually objectively restful for him? Perhaps one additional group of reasons he’s willing to join up with the party, is to get away from the memories. With people, there is the added unknown factor of complexity and chemistry, of lives and histories not his own added to the mix of any situation they come across. Of interaction. Of not being left alone to his own thoughts and nightmares. This group’s members aren’t victims meant for Cazador’s fangs and thirst, nor are they Cazador’s spawn, fellow damned souls and torturous devils both who alternate suffering upon the rack and potentially being the ones to turn the rack’s wheels for whoever is tied down upon it that night. Mayhaps Astarion wants to remember more of the things he’s forgotten in the darkness of all the years he’s suffered under Cazador—to make new memories of things he would associate with living, with being free. To fill in the hollowed out abstract memories with fresh, new details of life lived in the sun, in the here and now. Is he aware of just how much he’s forgotten? Even if he isn’t fully cognizant of the full tally of all that he’s potentially lost...it must still hurt to have an idea of how much he’s lost even if he’s only partially aware. In this, he might hold more comparison to Justine from Amnesia’s DLC moreso than Daniel, depending on what choices Astarion makes if he’s the chosen origin, or on the MC’s choices if it’s a custom origin playthrough—with Justine, her choices are all setup and intended to be an exploration of who she is as an exploration of character, to find out if she is capable of mercy and compassion still—while exercising a great deal of monstrous cruelty for her own amusement. With Daniel there is still the solid comparison of thematic elements in that his quest is a desperate pursuit of revenge while trying to outrun a great evil, all while acknowledging that he himself is horrifying as well. Justine’s story would parallel Astarion far more so on the dark path through Baldur’s Gate 3, naturally, whereas Daniel, if one selected the Revenge Ending at the end of Amnesia, has more in common with Astarion’s tentatively projected good route—revenge, while also ending a greater evil than himself. The parallel with Daniel may possibly even include a comparison to Amnesia’s Good Ending depending on what direction Larian takes Astarion’s story in. I doubt Larian would have Astarion become self-sacrificial, but I could see him potentially becoming much more inclined towards helping his friends and party members on a good-aligned path, as he seems at least not entirely unwilling to engage in do-goodery, particularly if bribed enough. There’s also certainly the idea of comparing Daniel being “tainted” as Alexander put it by the Shadow to Astarion’s potential point of view on his vampirism, given some of his expressions at times in emotional scenes relating to it. Then also the comparison of all the horrors Daniel has inflicted upon people, as have Justine and Astarion, and the fact that after the amnestic-influence of their specific story elements in this build, they are ultimately all able to be influenced towards better or worse endings dependent upon more immediate influences, namely the people surrounding them, and less so from long-standing influences of their past such as tradition, upbringing, and other core elements of identity that memory so often brings to the table, or at least helps formulate the detailing of. Justine admittedly does not really have “better” endings, but her horror story’s core could be interpreted as “was truly a monster at heart all along” from start to finish. Will Astarion prove to be similarly corrupt at his core, something that had always been true deep down regardless of Cazador’s influence on him, ultimately sowing harm and ruin upon the world and people around him, like Justine? Or will he turn out to be leaning towards being more of a good-inclined, flawed character with a bloodstained history he regrets and seeks to overcome, like Daniel? As a disclaimer though, Daniel is not a Good-aligned personality. He did many horrifying things to preserve his life, and Astarion certainly has done terrible things canonically under Cazador’s direction, though we still wait to see what Astarion did back when he was free to choose. With the attention to detail Larian Studios is applying as is to just what we’ve seen in Early Access, I would expect a fairly nuanced backstory for Astarion with murky morality, based on what we see of his opinions and character traits now. Another idea just to let loose an additional fox among the chickens: Consider the added layer of potential morality conflict in the scenario where Astarion might actually have very well been pursuing his idea of justice as a magistrate— coupled with his low opinions of others which he may have had before Cazador turned him, along with his racist/discriminatory comments and behaviors (re: Gur, Goblins, Gnomes, Kobolds, etc), likely suggests he could very well have been very biased in his perspective on how he meted out justice. I would not be surprised if Larian Studios kept the story idea that he was selling criminals off, but I also would not be at all shocked if they added details where it made what Astarion was dishing out closer to overly-harsh street-justice—he makes a fine murder-hobo adventurer as it is when the watchword of the day for many an adventuring party is “Murder Is An Acceptable Solution If Words Aren’t Working.” I also wouldn’t bat an eye should we find out he was as judgmental and cynical before Cazador as he is now, albeit perhaps with a different bend to his outlook from life experience influences. This all really ties in well with the usual game build of everyone starting at level one, as brand new, green adventurers—barring past adventuring experiences for backstory like Wyll, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart do or potentially have—at the start of their journey, off to explore the world and grow into the world-savers (or world-enders) they’re destined to be in a given campaign. Astarion fits this very well on many levels, among them given the fact how new everything is to him with this sudden change of the rules altering the very fabric of his existence. He has to deal with figuring out how to deal with his vampirism under his own agency and all the ensuing complications that come with that, has to figure out how to socially interact with others in all new ways, has to level up to go on his personal quest to save his own hide and eventually his friends’ and the world—it’s all so new and different, even the things he’s experienced before with such a drastic perspective shift and a change in power. It ties right back into his tagline so nicely too if that ends up being a possible theme of his, the whole memory-loss/memory-informing-his-identity element of being an elf: “ Astarion prowled the night as a vampire spawn for centuries, serving a sadistic master until he was snatched away. Now he can walk in the light, but can he leave his wicked past behind?” Can he leave those memories behind and forge himself into a better version of himself, if that is what he wants? What choices will Astarion make, if he does indeed have warped memories due to Cazador’s corroding influence to the point of some degree of memory loss? How will this flood of new sensory and social experiences change him as he goes forward? Who will Astarion choose to be, at the end of the day when they reach the road’s end? Will he let those dark memories twist and shape him, or will he try to make new ones among new friends, and follow their lead back into the sunlight? So many potential questions! Speaking of potential good-versus-bad-paths, this line isn’t in the game yet, but I feel it suggests Astarion might have a certain tolerance or perhaps even willingness to at least consider going out and saving the world, beyond lines we’re all familiar with already at the Tiefling celebration party: “Don’t you think we have other priorities right now? We need to save ourselves before we can save the world.” [Link here from Pjenn’s datamined post, dialogue theoretically occurs after a currently locked-off from Early Access encounter with a drow servant of the Absolute in the Underdark] It makes for a lot of intriguing possibilities, I dare say, all of which could make for marvelous variations in core character trait builds and influences for different interpretations of Astarion as a character. So many choices and gradients to play with, he and all the rest of the main cast have such nuance, it’s fantastic. The cast of characters all so far seem to have a wide variety of wants and motivations, and Larian seems like they might be quite determined to blur the line and inspire more rich exploration opportunities regarding perceived morality among many other potential topics of discussion—we have good characters with on-going flaws and darker motivations, evil characters with recurrent virtues and sympathetic appeal, and quite a few in-between when non-party-member NPCs are included in the mix. I do think Astarion along with all the rest of the party fit into those kinds of complicated-morality situations we’ve seen play out and be hinted at so very nicely, and it will be such fun to see how they grow through these experiences! It’s marvelous writing, directing, animation, acting, and just straight up work all across the board it looks like from over here. Anyway, thank you all for coming along on this literary ramble with me, I hope you had a fine time and that you all have a lovely day or night as befits your current timezone. Happy tidings to you, and stay safe everyone, and see you next time! :D

#Astarion #BG3 #Baldur's Gate 3 #long post #BG 3 spoilers #food cw #abuse mention cw #emetophobia cw #maggots cw #torture cw #character study #character meta #you know to expect searching for weird things for writing fiction #nobody tells you the weird things you look up while writing character meta #Amnesia: The Dark Descent spoilers #Amnesia: Justine spoilers #very long post #IT IS ESSAY TIME MY FINE FELLOW NET DENIZENS #one of these days I will figure out how to write shorter analysis posts #I'm going to forget what I've written previously on at some point #bc my essays are all so long #oops

[mayfriend-archive]

Totally understand if you're not up for it and fully recognize the ronald mcdonald dom/sub anon vibes which is an AMAZING post btw but like...now i'm curious, what the hell did Lord of the Flies anon DO that got him blocked for the discourse? like...i just can't wrap my head around high school lit being...uh...that inflammatory i guess?

Okay so, I'll start by saying I've had a new anon from apparently the same anon saying they are NOT the person I blocked, just a rando making the same points, but I'll answer your question anyway just to set out why this person in particular got blocked, out of the several thousand who reblogged/commented on that very successful addition to the LoTF post I made.

First off, I added the 'real life Lord of the Flies' story because I thought it was a good story. I had read about it only a couple days beforehand in Humankind and, after reading out the entire chapter to my parents who weren't very interested, I was excited that there was not only a post where it would be relevant to post, but that I wouldn't be hijacking it, as it was already rejecting the widespread interpretation taught in many schools, that humanity is inherently savage.

When making the addition, I a) did not think it would get more than a couple reblogs, because the post was already at 50k notes and I figured anyone that might be interested would already have seen it, and b) I did not know the very specific context that prompted William Golding to write the book; all I knew was that he had been a teacher at a public school (basically, the poshest schools in the country - think Eton, Harrow, very 'old money' places that pump out Conservative politicians by the bucket-load 🤢) who hated his job and the boys he taught (which, valid), and new information I'd been given in Humankind - that Golding had said to his wife one day, "Wouldn't it be a good idea to write a story about some boys on an island, showing how they would really behave?" - which had no mention of The Coral Island by R. M. Ballantyne, which I have since learned was the text that Golding loathed enough to write an entire novel in refutation of - and included what I considered a very telling letter from Golding to his publisher, in which Golding wrote of his belief that 'even if we start with a clean slate, our nature compels us to make a muck of it.' Another Golding quote that I believe portrays his belief in humanity's 'innate savagery' is that "man produces evil as a bee produces honey."

Obviously, the author of a book putting forward the case for humanity's inherent goodness was going to oppose Golding's hypothesis; Bregman not only noted Golding's literary accomplishments and beliefs, but his personal life.

When I began delving into the author's life, I learned what an unhappy individual he'd been. An alcoholic. Prone to depression. A man who, as a teacher, once divided his pupils into gangs and encouraged them to attack each other. "I have always understood the Nazis," Golding confessed, "because I am of that sort by nature." (Humankind by Rutger Bregman, p. 24-25)

I have bolded the part about him as a teacher, because it is incredibly relevant to the original post that I commented on, which begins with a comic of a teacher locking her class in to see them 'recreate' Lord of the Flies, something which the follow up comments before mine staunchly reject as both misunderstanding the point of the book, and the fact that it took the kids in Lord of the Flies a significant amount of time without adult supervision to go 'savage'. This misreading of the text is widespread enough that when Golding won the Nobel Prize for Lord of the Flies, the Swedish Nobel committee wrote that his book 'illuminate[s] the human condition in the world of today'. Whether or not they misread it is beyond my expertise - they do at least mention the factors of the outside world neglected by many when analysing the book, but still seem to believe it says something about human nature as a whole rather than just, to quote thedarkbutbeige 'British kids being rat bastards' - but Golding quite happily took his Nobel prize on this basis. Which, in fairness, I would too. It's a fucking Nobel prize.

It was with this knowledge, and this knowledge alone, that I stated in my now very, very widely read comment that Golding 'wrote the book to be a dick', in response to the tags of the person I reblogged from. As I said, I now know that Golding did not write the book (solely) because he hated the kids he taught, but as a response to The Coral Island and the general idea that clearly the British were inherently civilsed, whilst the people they colonised and enslaved were inherently savage. So. That's the background.

The anon - or rather, the person I thought was anon - was the sole exception out of dozens of replies, who instead of telling me about The Coral Island politely decided it was time to go ALL CAPS and regurgitate points already made by thespaceshipoftheseus, and implied that the only reason that the real life Tongan castaways didn't go all Lord of the Flies was because they weren't British. Not because they weren't surrounded by violence like the boys in Lord of the Flies, or there wasn't a World War ongoing, or that they weren't the upper, upper, upper crust of a class-obsessed society like Britain - but because they weren't British. A complete inversion of the concept that Golding was trying to get across - now, instead of all of humanity being equally prone to savagery in the right conditions, it was solely nationality that determined it. As in, the British were inherently savage, but nobody else was.

I, trying for humour, made the terrible mistake of replying to them.

I won't lie, I was absolutely blown away that this was real life. What I think they were trying to do was be that Cool Tumblr Person who, after somebody's been shitty on a post, goes to their blog and sees something Damning in their about/description. In an ideal world, I imagine I'd have gone nuts or done something Unforgiveable. In what I can only call the rant that followed, they stated several times that I needed to go back to high school to get some 'proper literary analysis' skills and that the story of the Tongan castaways was completely unrelated to the point at hand which. I mean, I disagree, considering that I made the addition, but I couldn't get my head around how commenting on a post that was already rejecting the thesis that the 'point' of Lord of the Flies was that humanity was inherently savage and was, in fact, about how kids - British or otherwise - learn how to function from the adults around them, and that traumatised, terrified children aren't going to create a mini-Utopia, and put forward a real life example of how without the key additions of an ongoing world war, a colonial Empire and the subsequent mindset of thinking you are 'inherently civilised' and therefore can't do anything wrong, actually, people just want to take care of each other.

A friend has since asked me why I even have 'england' in my description. To be honest, it's a timezone thing - I talk to a lot of people online who don't share my timezone, and it generally makes me feel like if I don't reply immediately because it's 3am, they have the tools to see that I'm not in their timezone and not just ignoring them. I did consider changing it to 'british' or 'uk' after it was... 'used against me', I guess, simply because I didn't want to deal with it, but you know what. No. Not gonna do that. I am from England, and I have never hid that fact. I have a tag called 'uk politics', during Eurovision I refer to the UK's act as 'us' (even if I really, really don't want to. Because James Newman slaughtered that song and it was downright embarrassing), I regularly post stuff in my personal tag about where I live (and mostly complain about this piece of shit government). If people really think my nationality makes every point I make null and void, then they don't have to follow me or interact with my posts; tumblr is big, and I am one medium-small blog very easily passed over.

I did reply to them, trying to explain the above, but their next response really just doubled down. Because I used the word British instead of English - foolishly because the posts above mine focused on Britishness, and also because although Golding was English and taught English kids, the pro-Imperialism author of The Coral Island, R. M. Bannatyne was actually Scottish so, ding ding ding, falls into the 'British' category - they then decided that I was somehow trying to pretend I wasn't English and made all the same points, before ending with this doozy:

At this point, I knew there was nothing to be gained from replying, because if we're whipping out conditions like they're pokemon cards then there's no actual conversation anymore, and I'm not going to start mudslinging like an identity politician. They made up their mind, and I figured there could be no harm in letting them think that they 'won' by blocking them instead of replying.

Until the ask. INNATE ENGLISH SAVAGERY did, I'll admit, make me think it was them, back again. I even thought up a really good response approximately 12 hours after I replied, I was that sure. Until the second message came in, and said they were just someone who came from the post and made the same point by chance. So the saga draws to a close... for now.

It may have been them, it may not have been - the anon feature makes it impossible to be sure, but as the second message I got said, we're in a heatwave. It's too hot to argue. And I've just written a goddamn essay about a book I dislike anyway.

My pasty English ass is going to go melt. If there's Disk Horse, do not tell me. I am Done™

#emily speaks #asks #anon #lord of the flies #this is long. this is so long. why is this so long #i literally got out humankind so i could quote directly. how is this my life

[johnbroutledge]

I started answering on the post but Tumblr ate it twice so here's hoping third time is the charm. Also, this turned into an essay, bc I really care for you and wanted to get it all in.

So, as to the drabble "flopping"; I feel you, it always hurts when that happens. But there's a few factors to consider, which is to say stuff outside of your control going on. The first being: Tumblr's not the best place for posting fic. It used to be pretty good, but those days are past; ironically the tagging system improving contributed to that. Before people had to reblog or like posts to find/be able to find later. Now they can actually search for it. The second is naturally that the nsfw ban scared a lot of writers off and people stopped feeling this place for fic so much (not to mention the rise of discourse also did that).

The next is simply, as ever, timing. I used to work in community management (long story) so I am a nerd that looks into the analytics and: https://miraculousfanworks.tumblr.com/post/627913410660663296/attract-those-readers-when-to-post-on-ao3#:~:text=How%20many%20stories%20were%20in,from%2012pm%20to%205pm%20PST. Despite it being an AO3 reason, I've found it holds true for Tumblr too, when I link my fic. Late in the day on humpday just means less traffic overall.

And finally, and this is the painful bit: it's a small fandom. Especially when you compare it to 911 which I think you likely are. I've been suffering from the same myself lately, I've posted what feels like some personal best fic............for teeny fandoms and niche pairings and ten people. Add to that that the show is both off season rn, and, the real kicker, is not a weekly airer. You've noticed how the weekly episode of 911 then has a corresponding uptick of making and consuming of fanworks. Simply put, there's new content so there's new material to work with and people are going "huh that was a cliffhanger, let's soothe it with fic". OBX is netflix and thus generally has a big burst of creation around it dropping then a longish tail and then little radio noise until then. The Witcher is a good comparison, but has two factors going for it: related media (books and video games) and big name stars. OBX is, basically, a lil kayak doing its best. But there's simply not as many people who consume fanwork for it.

Now love, and writing, is never wasted! Every word is a gift you give yourself and your skills. But I wanted to give you a sort of "cold logic" of why that reaction might be what it is, COMPLETELY separate from your actual work or the quality of it you may perceive.

Which was a very long winded way of saying: our reward based ape brains love the numbers. But the numbers come from lots of places. What matters, and what we can't quantify, is how much people loved it. The people creeping on your page and rereading it for the sixth time right now. The ones that messages it to friends. The ones that will think about it, out of the blue for ages. Maybe years. There's no counter for that. Keep creating <3

This might be the most helpful thing anyone could’ve said to me. It’s hard for me to not equate “success” or interaction to my self worth and my skill and I needed like logical factual reasons why it may not be doing well. I knew all along it’s a tiny fandom and I’ve seen with gifsets that interaction isn’t great rn even if you have 8634346323 followers, but idk, I just. I feel like a little kid bringing macaroni art to her mom and hoping she loves it. I was so proud of putting words on paper and like, was immediately like why is no one here to see it. And historically I’m awful to myself anyway, a thing thats exacerbated by like past trauma and shit so. And you’re right, I was kind of I guess thinking 911 numbers in my head and that’s not logical either.

I love this fandom and I haven’t been so inspired by a fandom in a long time so I’m gonna keep writing, if for no reason than I just want to. But I’d be lying if I told you the lack of interaction isn’t gonna be hard for me every single time too. Because that’s just how my shitty brain works I live with one finger on the self destruct button at all times.

Thank you so much for sending this, it really did help. Might fuck around and post the fic to ao3 or something 👀.

#nikki answers #meduseld #thank you thank you thank you #💗💗💗💗💗

[ruby-whistler]

Are you normal or do u sometimes go "IVE BEEN SCARED OF SLEEPING WITH THE LIGHTS ON(off? Idk its hard to decipher)"/lyrics -curious anon

me: oh boy, can't wait to try and make a tumblr blog! Before i do i should research it- *what in the hecking heck is an xkit*

djskdjsk i had no idea what an xkit was until yesterday and when i got it i got too confused and uninstalled it - dw curious anon i don’t use it either i just vibe and do whatever i guess. if you tag correctly and make good posts things should work out, can’t wait to see your acc around!

I got some sad-ist merch :DDD!!

yooo!! that’s so pog for you! it’s probably pretty comfy :D

me standing ominously in your askbox waiting to rec my fav fics:

fjsjdjsk i literally just finished passerine i still have 80 more (some of which are like 300k words long) on my to-read but uh if they have c!dream mischaracterized i’ll not be reading them anyways so it’s very hit-or-miss, will probably get through some of them quicker-

After many moons spent under the dsmp, seeing discourse and analysis alike, i have come to the conclusion i simply do not have the energy to care about any lore outside of c!tubbo and c!tommy's and will only defend them. And that is ok. It is ok to not watch or care about all dsmp or want to discourse about them or analyze. Idk man was thinking deep thoughts today

it’s ok to watch entertainment and enjoy it the way you want to! it’s great to want to enjoy or talk about your fav character!

the problems come up when you attack other people for their perspectives on the medium or spread misinformation about different characters based on only watching the perspective you like, but you know - if you’re not doing analysis, you really don’t need to look that deep into it.

it’s ok to just chill. your feelings about characters are valid! :D so yeah i agree with you! let people with different opinions exist if they’re also being respectful (e. g. tagging correctly).

Hey ik u worked with animgician's newest vid and i found a not-crit (i rlly think) little thought on it if u wanna see it

yoo feel free to send it in!!

No one: me: *shuffles around* wanna hear about my cool warden c!tommy au?

may i interest u in a little bit of my writing? If not that is ok i just wanna see if my writing is any good before working on a fic lol

Anyways if i am not in the askbox for a little it is because i am now writing a proper fic thing out. Wish me luck o7 -curious anon (i have three different lyrics i am going to be incorporating and a little analysis and just a smidgen of projection)

Ruby do u wanna read a little something i wrote? *does the little fingers thing* its really short just a headcanon with a little prose

i sure do! that sounds rlly cool - are you sure you don't wanna make a post about that on your own account though? i don't mind seeing it at all but i think the c!tommy tag would be able to appreciate that au better than my followers. you've gotta find the right target audience, y'know? /lh

though of course i'd love to see your writing, i'm sure it's great! looking forward to it :]

Ayo i remembered u talking about how punitive punishment doesn't work the other day so i want to discuss. What would u consider to be a fitting "punishment" for c!dream's canonic killing of mexican dream?/gen

i mean... we're not trying to - being against punitive justice is about the fact punishment is wrong, not just certain types of it. asking me what a "fitting punishment" would be is sort of very not getting the point.

hurting people further is not going to teach them anything and it’s not going to help anyone, why is it necessary?

so the answer is: none. he shouldn’t be punished, actually! he should learn on his own that what he did wasn’t right, and that’s about it. that’s the thing about transformative justice. him becoming a better person who Wouldn’t Do That again because it goes against who he is.

however, there’s also restorative justice, which is working to “make it up” to the victims. to which i propose; dream has the revival book and could literally bring him back once he is out of the prison. give him some powder maybe. md would probably be chill w/ that.

Yknow. In all my time in dsmpblr i can confidently say that the main differnece between c!dream apologist/enthusiants and c!wilbur/sam ones is that the c!wilbur/c!sam ones want their fav to have a breakdown and c!dream ones want theirs to get positive reinforcement /hj /lh

i’m pretty sure the sam and wil ones also want them to get better/get redeemed, at least deep down, but i get what you mean! you’re *glances at the 🟩⛏ gc where all we do 24/7 is write angst about c!dream being terribly hurt and then we cry about it* 100% correct. no angsters who like the pain here *nervously laughs* we all just want him to heal and be happy for the rest of his life with no heart-shattering breakdowns whatsoever! /s /lh

Hope ur having a great day m8 :]] -curious anon (also i have a new canon fact i wanna share. In quackity's alt lore stream yesterday he said (to the best of my memory) that "no law/juridsiction exists on the dream smp to prevent one from building anywhere" so i guess that clears up the big debate on wheather or not c!dream had a right to enforce rules (or basically the arguement that he owned the server by divine rule)

no i’m - i’m pretty sure that’s just how it works. dream still owns the smp, but he himself has said wayy back at the beginning “everyone can build and go wherever they want” and that was that. it was one of his rules on the smp, it was his main problem with l’manberg. being able to build anywhere were the rules that he “had the right” to enforce. and he did, not because he was a god, but because it was his smp, his home that he claimed for his friends. wouldn’t call it a big debate, it’s really that simple.

.AGONY. HURT EVEN. THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR CURIOUS ANON. I LAUGH, I CRY, I FIND AN ANIMATED GIF ON TWITTER THAT SQUEEZES MY C!TOMMY ENJOYER HEART INTO OBLIVION. (i am being dramatic btw for the funnies just so ya know) I AM NOT GOING TO FINANICALLY RECOVER FROM THIS. AAAAAAAAAAA UEEEEEEE

OK THAT FREAKING

O U C H-

also for the old phil ask. Hes a bad dad because of how he treated ghostbur. I will elaborate if u want

didn’t ghostbur just say “i’m not wilbur” and philza said “you’re not my son” and they went on with their day? weren’t they actually in agreement that he wasn’t the same as wil when he was alive? i don’t remember him really treating him badly tbh other than disowning him which seems fair to me, because ghostbur was a literal stranger to phil at that point?

wish you a nice day, curious anon! (i’ll be back on my essays and answering other asks now, so i might not reply right away :])

#my asks #curious anon #long post

[fencesandfrogs]

cloudtail’s daughter: hollyleaf

alright, continuing my long running deluge of words, we move on to hollyleaf.

ah, hollyleaf. canon did you dirty. luckily, given your lifespan, i can do whatever i want with you. as long as you end up in starclan. also i haven't read squirrelflight's hope so i don't know the deal with that.

right. but as far as i'm concerned, i get to do whatever i want to do with her, and that means i'm...less making tweaks to her character and more giving us more of her, and smoothing out her character arc, because it's all a mess, you don't need me to tell you that.

alright, as per usual, warnings/disclaimers/we: this is for my cloudtail's daughter au. this goes pretty off the rails from canon, so i suspect it'll be coherent, but i still think either the main au explanation or the dovewing post is a better place to start.

2.5k words, 10min read. the least organized of all of these (no section headers).

right so i'm not really sure where to begin with hollyleaf, but i think the best place is the earliest one yet: roughly the fire scene. because hollyleaf is breaking one of my cardinal rules: don't mess with what came before, and so it's best we start there, i think.

right, so hollyleaf, as we know, takes the news about her parentage badly. and i'm not taking that away, mostly, but she doesn't devolve quite so quickly. because i just. don't like it.

hollyleaf is smart, she's loyal, it's a reasonable decision for her to fall of the rails as such, but i just really don't like it. i want hollyleaf to fall apart and come back together. i want her to have to deal with the consequences of her actions. and in this essay i will.. no but i'm getting ahead of myself, we'll do all that. first things first, though, hollyleaf keeps herself together, until she realizes ashfur isn't going to let this stay secret.

so she kills him.

and the truth comes out pretty fast. like no one is 100% sure but everybody knows.

and that? that is what really cracks hollyleaf.

right so remember in my worldbuilding post when i said something-something-i-don't-care-about-hollyleaf's-story? yeah turns out that was a fucking lie.

because i realized that i couldn't really make this work unless i knew why hollyleaf came back because well it's kind of a big deal. so i had to figure it out, and i was hyper proud of myself for realizing she could save dovepaw from the tunnels, and then i was like "well people have a lot of questions for her," to the point where one of the chapters in fading echoes is titled "questions" and it's just straight up people questioning what happened to her.

so. she still goes into the tunnels. and she meets fallen leaves. and they hit it off, probably a little faster. (tbh i'm still not interested in writing this, just what happens).

and she chills walright, continuing my long running deluge of words, we move on to hollyleaf.

ah, hollyleaf. canon did you dirty. luckily, given your lifespan, i can do whatever i want with you. as long as you end up in starclan. also i haven't read squirrelflight's hope so i don't know the deal with that.

right. but as far as i'm concerned, i get to do whatever i want to do with her, and that means i'm...less making tweaks to her character and more giving us more of her, and smoothing out her character arc, because it's all a mess, you don't need me to tell you that.

alright, as per usual, warnings/disclaimers/we: this is for my cloudtail's daughter au. this goes pretty off the rails from canon, so i suspect it'll be coherent, but i still think either the main au explanation or the dovewing post is a better place to start.

right so i'm not really sure where to begin with hollyleaf, but i think the best place is the earliest one yet: roughly the fire scene. because hollyleaf is breaking one of my cardinal rules: don't mess with what came before, and so it's best we start there, i think.

right, so hollyleaf, as we know, takes the news about her parentage badly. and i'm not taking that away, mostly, but she doesn't devolve quite so quickly. because i just. don't like it.

hollyleaf is smart, she's loyal, it's a reasonable decision for her to fall of the rails as such, but i just really don't like it. i want hollyleaf to fall apart and come back together. i want her to have to deal with the consequences of her actions. and in this essay i will... no but i'm getting ahead of myself, we'll do all that. first things first, though, hollyleaf keeps herself together, until she realizes ashfur isn't going to let this stay secret.

so she kills him.

and the truth comes out pretty fast. like no one is 100% sure but everybody knows.

and that? that is what really cracks hollyleaf.

right so remember in my worldbuilding post when i said something-something-i-don't-care-about-hollyleaf's-story? yeah turns out that was a fucking lie.

because i realized that i couldn't really make this work unless i knew why hollyleaf came back because well it's kind of a big deal. so i had to figure it out, and i was hyper proud of myself for realizing she could save dovepaw from the tunnels, and then i was like "well people have a lot of questions for her," to the point where one of the chapters in fading echoes is titled "questions" and it's just straight up people questioning what happened to her.

so you know everything is fine until a thunderclan apprentice stumbles into the tunnels, hurt and scared, unable to protect herself.

hollyleaf and fallen leaves protect dovepaw, a flood happens, i haven't worked out the details and i'm fairly tired ATM, so please forgive my handwaving.

so yeah, dovepaw is with them for three days.

hollyleaf basically gets caught by cinderheart when they're going back, so she's like "well guess now i gotta see my family" and cinderheart is like "yeah u idiot we all miss u n i love u but i am dating ur brother now" and hollyleaf is like "fair enough i have a ghost boyfriend" and they're all good

everyone has a hell of a lot of questions for hollyleaf. i have a whole chapter dedicated to it. here are some of them, and some of the answers.

brambleclaw: why didn't you tell me? (no, he hasn't learned from squirrelflight how unhelpful this question is) hollyleaf: because you're the deputy and there's no guarantee you wouldn't out me, considering you were still disowning me

dovepaw: yo so there was another cat with you wasn't there? hollyleaf: ohhh yeah i have a ghost boyfriend sorry forgot to tell you that

squirrelflight: do you still hate me? hollyleaf: mom i'm so sorry i love you so much

and then hollyleaf is home. i mean jayfeather won't talk to her but that's a few books from now, when they have ghost partners, okay?

but before that, she has to go do beavers, and she never gets a real proper chance to make up with everyone

(don't worry, she'll get the chance before she dies.)

right so dovepaw has her beaver stuff and hollyleaf tags along because Nine Is A Holy Number

really, i just need a narrator on the beaver quest, and for reasons i've mentioned but will explain in a moment, it can't be cinderheart.

so i have this symbolism going where dove/ivy start and end the series (what, i'm big on structural symbolism. i put thought into everything. especially since i'm limited in these books with what/how i accomplish, so the things that are entirely mine, like who narrates what, is carefully thought out). anyway that's because they have turning points in their relationship in the first and last book. they fall apart at the midpoint of growing shadows, and they aren't fully repaired ever, but they get closest at about the midpoint of the last hope. that's a symbolic thing, that they've come back to where they've started, but not quite. can't go back, even if you regret.

regret is a big theme in this series. ivy and dove are a pair in part because they're bound by all of these regrets that keeps stacking up.

now, the natural choice for a narrator of the beavers would be cinderheart. she's a substitude lionblaze as far as this book is concerned. however, cinderheart needs to be the main narrator when she takes dovepaw to the tribe. she just does. so we could do two cinderheart books in a row, but then where do we put lionblaze? he's not really a major character in the second arc, he basically does nothing. i guess we could have him deal with sol, but cinderheart's arc is supposed to be she learns how to solve problems in different ways, and that's why she's able to tackle sol. so, like, fine, what if we make cinderheart and lionblaze arc one narrators, and have sol be a background thing? i mean, if i did it for the dark forest, i could definitely do it for this.

so that does create one problem: regret doesn't bind cinderheart to lionblaze. regret is a theme through cinderpelt and cinderheart. lionblaze is a sexy lamp. he doesn't mean anything, he's just a love interest to challenge cinderheart. so. it feels bad to me to artifiically pair them together and imply they have a dynamic like that.

and the larger problem is what it does to hollyleaf and jayfeather.

see, hollyleaf and jayfeather have this aborted forgiveness arc, that plagues jayfeather. i'm going to write a jayfeather super edition so help me god, but that's for another time. anyway, hollyleaf is trying to make up with everyone, but jayfeather won't let her.

and he's never going to get the chance to make amends, because she dies in the last book.

but anyway, if we make hollyleaf and jayfeather the exclusive narrators of books 4 and 5, we imply their character arc happens. there. and that's...not what happens.

it's aborted. they're decoupled, desynched. they have a moment of synchrony, where they have this shared experience, but it's not enough. hollyleaf is in jayfeather's past, and he's tryign so hard to move forward. it's all ~very symbolic.~

right. back to the present day, hollyleaf has to go to do the beavers mostly because i said so, but also because i'm cautious about drawing false parallels. i think it was cinderheart's essay where i said this is the only part of it i have control over (was it earlier in this essay i've worked on this for like 3 days) and so i want to do it right. but also, she's going to be a good narrator, becuase she's covering a lot of ground, and i think hollyleaf is pretty interesting.

so hollyleaf, my dear, terrified of breaking the code, hollyleaf, watches dovepaw and tigerheart get...close.

and this is. well, hollyleaf has seen what happened when people date illegal options. and it's not good.

so she spends most of the book just kinda panicking, waiting for the moment this goes south.

beavers happen, it's the same as the books, i'm super uninterested in that plotline to the point of memery. hollyleaf is fine, everything is fine, dovepaw is sad now because cats died, everything is fine.

so i mentioned at some point or the other that dovepaw begins sleeping on top of tigerheart. dovepaw, at this point, is fully grown, but she's on the smaller side. she's a standard to small cat. tigerheart is a tigerstar clone, and tigerstar has some maine coon genes or something because he's massive. so uhh you know she probably could literally sleep on top of him but it's not quite that, it's more she's curled up and he's kind of curled up around her, but not as a concious thing. it's similar to when u accidentally wake up cuddling someone bc u shared a bed and that's that. but less awkward.

anyway hollyleaf is like "cinderheart cinderheart we should do something this is a problem," but if u remember from cinderheart, cinderheart is also being nagged by cinderpelt about this.

so cinderheart doesn't want to hear it and hollyleaf is pretty much "whelp guess i'll just die" and by die i mean quietly glare at tigerheart and shower dovepaw in love and affection.

anyway yeah after that hollyleaf does nothing for like two books.

or one book? i guess beavers is book two anyway look she misses her gf but cinderheart is in the mountains and then she's like "oh wait i have a ghost bf i should talk to"

so hollyleaf spends more and more time in the tunnels. this book actually takes place at about the same time as distant whispers. there's not 100% overlap, but it's close.

right so jayfeather (i swear i wrote dovefeather this is the problem with having 3 linked aus god) follows hollyleaf into the tunnels and he has his whole time travel sequence/half of it i still haven't decided what i'm doing with it.

and hollyleaf and fallen leaves have good ole interpersonal drama, where they're trying to be a thing but hollyleaf belongs in thunderclan and yes, this means that hollyleaf is the character who gets the singular book, because jayfeather is extremely isolated from the main plot. in fact, the only reason i keep the time travel plot is because canon. not that i don't like that it exists but for it to have been executed well it needs to be less disjoint. which is why i think i'm breaking A Rule so i can put it all in oots so it's more logical. but that's a different rant.

anyway, there's a quasi-religious conflict where hollyleaf is like "just go to starclan" and fallen leaves is like "my whole problem is how i can't do that"

uh yeah idrk exactly what happens it is once again 3am so uhhh yeah ghost cats she considers leaving thunderclan bc jayfeather won't talk to her lionblaze is away she's still mad at leafpool and squilf is in an abusive relationship and hollyleaf is still pretty young, y'know? that's a lot.

firestar is like "grand daughter i love you dearly but can u maybe uh can u maybe make up your god damn mind"

anyway so hollyleaf and fallen leaves have a bit of a fight, he's like, "i'm keeping u back," she's like "ur not" but she knows he is, etc etc it's very sad and dramatic

so they kind of break up? it's a lil complicated but basically they're not talking to each other for a while, they're on the cat equivalent of "taking a break" ig

alright, so then book 5 happens, and it's jayfeather and cinderheart prepping for the great battle. idk. hollyleaf chills w lionblaze in BGCH and makes friends with ivypool. it's chill. i mean, it's not, but it is.

book six, hollyleaf is the only one to stay in thunderclan. she's kinda j chilling til the battle. and then. and then. oh this is the good part.

she sacrifices her self for ivypool.

yeah. okay, this is super disjoint, so i'm going with it. hollyleaf? done.

#warriors #hollyleaf #fallen leaves #jayfeather #warriors au #q #mine #txt #5th #March #2021 #March 5th 2021 #cloudtail's daughter #long #essay

[seyaryminamoto]

hii, can you tell me more about why you’re anti sukka?

... Okay, now, that’s an inaccurate statement.

As per current internet terminology, I’m not ANTI Sukka. These days, an anti is someone who obsesses with the ships they hate, and spends an insane amount of time harassing fans of the ship, attacking other shippers, making content to disparage the ship and pretending they’re on some sort of superior moral high ground by doing all these things. While I’ve made occasional posts on why I don’t ship Sukka, I don’t think I’ve made any since AGES ago. I don’t get in the way of anyone who does ship it and I wouldn’t even say I HATE the ship. In truth, I just don’t care for it. I won’t read or look for content about it, but that’s not the same as hating a ship, let alone the same as harrassing its shippers: so I’m not anti-Sukka, I just don’t ship Sukka.

Now, since your question’s intent was to figure out why don’t I ship it...

... Warning: long, long essay that won’t sit well with any hardcore Sukka shippers right under the cut. I would be using a truncated term like su*ka throughout the whole post if only the anon hadn’t already used the actual ship name, but regrettably, it’s likely to show up in your tags all the same. I am sorry, preemptively, if it does: please ignore it for your own good and go on your merry way without letting me ruin your day.

I haven’t talked about this for ages tbh. But anyways, here we go.

When I watched The Warriors of Kyoshi for the first time, I actually liked Suki plenty. I liked her initial conflict and chemistry with Sokka, though I wasn’t big on how she made him wear the Kyoshi Warriors uniform when it clearly made him uncomfortable, but all in all, I liked how their relationship had shaped up at that point and I even looked forward to Suki returning in future episodes.

On my first watch of ATLA, I seriously saw nothing wrong in Sukka. I didn’t think a lot of things through during that first time I watched the show, I was just binging the whole thing like a maniac (like a lot of people are doing at the time), so I found their relationship perfectly acceptable as it was, for the show I was watching.

And then later rewatches, even before the Sokkla bug bit me as hard as it has, I realized maybe that wasn’t entirely true.

One of the things I really, REALLY don’t like about Sukka to this day is how unequal their relationship is in terms of how the characters are written in the show. Basically, the same complaint I have about Asami in LOK applies to Suki ever since she reappears in Book 2, but ESPECIALLY in Book 3: her character ends up revolving almost exclusively around Sokka.

Meanwhile, Sokka appears to forget about her surprisingly often and easily.

Instance #1: there’s no sign of Sokka holding a torch for Suki when he first develops a crush on Yue. Implying that, while Suki impressed him, his feelings for her weren’t necessarily romantic despite she outright kissed his cheek... whereas he is crushing, HARD, on Yue. In contrast, Suki was so affected by Team Avatar’s visit to her island that she took off to help people around the world to follow their example. Sokka (and his friends) have a huge impact on Suki’s life... whereas Suki’s impact, sure, taught Sokka to set aside his sexism, but he’s never even seen reflecting on how much Suki has changed him because of this? Neither is Katara portrayed mentioning how much nicer he became after meeting Suki? There’s not a single sign through the rest of the season of how much Suki has meant for Sokka, whether as a teacher, friend or potential love interest.

Instance #2: after initially hesitating to kiss Suki in the Serpent’s Pass, Sokka finally kisses her once they’re about to part ways before she returns to the Kyoshi Warriors. It’s soooo very romantic... until, a mere episode later, Ty Lee openly flirts with Sokka and, instead of reacting as he does later in the season (with a comment along the lines of ”Uh, I’m with someone else”), Sokka merely WAVES AND SMILES. I... don’t even understand why the writers did this. They spent the entire season featuring Sokka avoiding Ty Lee, or being fully hostile with her, but somehow RIGHT AFTER establishing his relationship with Suki, he’s shown behaving like this? It doesn’t make any sense to me. It basically says either he’s not taking his relationship with Suki all that seriously, or he’s just blatantly disloyal, and considering how devoted he was to Yue, I can’t bring myself to believe it’s the second thing. A writing oversight? Eh...

Instance #3: when Toph talks about the moon turning mean, Sokka rages and rants about how nice the moon is. Why do I bring this up? Because Yue is out of reach. Yue is gone: he still feels the need to defend her from someone who isn’t really insulting her despite that. MEANWHILE... Suki’s fate, at the time, is unknown. Sokka has no idea if Azula captured her, left her for dead, tossed her in a river, sold her to a traveling circus...? He doesn’t. He seriously doesn’t. He can’t KNOW what Azula did because the last thing he knew, Mai and Ty Lee were masquerading as Kyoshi Warriors. Implying them, and their leader, did something to the group his girlfriend was part of. And yet, for an entire season finale AND the first half of Book 3, Sokka betrays zero intentions of wanting to discover what happened with Suki, or guilt about not being able to save her UNTIL AZULA BRINGS HER UP. I know it’s very sad for Sukka fans to see Sokka crying over Suki as he did when Azula taunts him... but why haven’t we seen the slightest sign of how affected he is by Suki’s presumed capture/murder/whatever he was imagining happening to her, when Book 2 features Sokka suffering over failing Yue in the Swamp, as well as rejecting Suki initially over guilt because of his lingering feelings for Yue, paired with fear of failing to protect those he cares about? And then in Book 3 he’s even standing up to Toph when she makes a careless comment about the moon spirit...? Why is it so easy to bring up Yue, but not Suki? Is this really just another writing oversight? So we’ve had TWO writing oversights about this relationship already, both of which suggest Suki is barely on Sokka’s mind at all? Is this oversight... or accidental characterization? :’)

Instance #4: Sokka and Zuko travel to the Boiling Rock. Sokka is determined to save his father. It’s a really cool, absolutely acceptable, very important decision for his character... but here’s the kicker: Sokka knows now, at this point, that Suki might still be alive and a prisoner of the Fire Nation. Azula outright said Suki had been WAITING FOR HIM AND GAVE UP BECAUSE HE NEVER CAME. This is what drives him to tears and to shout at Azula while wasting time during the Eclipse! :’D And then? Then he goes to Zuko, to ask him about Fire Nation prisons, and my gullible, first-watch self thought “oh, he wants to save Suki now that Azula said she’s alive! :D” ... only for his intent to be exclusively about his father. I’m not saying it’s WRONG for Sokka to privilege Hakoda over Suki, I mean, he is his father and Sokka really cares about family. It’s one of his main priorities, always has been. But isn’t it WEIRD that after Azula taunted him SO BAD about failing Suki, after saying Suki GAVE UP ON HIM, Sokka makes zero moves to find out if she might be alive and within reach? He could ask Zuko about her, maybe, seeing as he was on Azula’s side in Ba Sing Se and may have known a thing or two about any prisoners she captured in the Earth Kingdom? Sokka could have mentioned he wants to save BOTH Hakoda and Suki, and it doesn’t harm the story in the least for him to say something like that. It doesn’t make his efforts for Hakoda any lesser, and it shows Suki is a priority for him too... But no. Instead let’s feature him bumping into Suki by sheer luck, because that’s truly what it was, and instead of feeling any guilt for not helping her sooner, he’s just lovestruck and attempting to put moves on her when she doesn’t even know who he is yet. Super funny. Super romantic. Super lacking and I can’t understand why, WHY, someone would ever think this is how to write a quality romantic relationship?

Instance #5: connected to instance #4, actually. When traveling to the Boiling Rock, Sokka and Zuko have an awkward conversation. During this awkward conversation, Sokka asks Zuko if there was anything he left behind in the Fire Nation that he might have missed. Zuko smiles and talks about Mai. Sokka is surprised that the “gloomy girl who sighs a lot” was his girlfriend, and Zuko looks genuinely fond of her as he smiles and thinks of her. And then Sokka brings up his own romantic experience... WITH YUE. Instead of bringing up the girl who taught him girls can fight too, instead of bringing up the girl he hasn’t been able to save yet, the girl who MIGHT BE in the prison he’s headed towards, Sokka brings up the girl he absolutely CAN’T save anymore. He brings up the girl whose death most clearly scarred him, deeply, and I’m not trying to lessen the blow Yue’s sacrifice takes on Sokka... but Suki literally, LITERALLY, has something to do with the plot of this very episode? While “My girlfriend turned into the moon” “That’s rough, buddy” is a well-loved hilarious scene and line, I’d have sacrificed that IN A HEARTBEAT if the writers had thought to feature Sokka talking about Suki instead. He could’ve said Azula took her! He literally KNOWS this now, for a fact! Zuko could’ve told him “Hey, maybe she’s in the Boiling Rock too!”, and the plot of the episode wouldn’t have changed in the slightest, beyond featuring Sokka actively looking for BOTH Hakoda and Suki! But no. Again, no. Again, the writers choose to privilege Sokka’s bond with Yue over Suki. With Hakoda over Suki. With anyone else over Suki.

... whlie Suki, most obviously, has no one else she cares about more than Sokka. Why? Because she hasn’t even had enough screentime to establish any other significant relationships, and after the Boiling Rock, she doesn’t establish them anyways.

This causes Suki to feel like a Sokka satellite: SHE revolves around HIM. But Sokka? Sokka doesn’t revolve around Suki IN THE LEAST. Would it be healthy for him to be completely devoted and crazy over Suki to the point of disregarding his ties with other people over her? Hell, no! But it’s not healthy to feature Suki as good as doing that for Sokka either! :’D Suki doesn’t even have a solid, established friendship with any of the other Gaang members. She has POTENTIAL for it, but ever since she joins the Gaang she is most frequently shown interacting with Sokka and only on occasion with the others, but in no memorable, meaningful way with anyone but Sokka. She even joins Katara while searching for Aang in Sozin’s Comet, and we don’t see the slightest sign of unique, important bonding  between them. She saved Toph from drowning once, found out Toph has a crush on the same boy she likes, and it’d have been interesting if she, for instance, had refrained from seeking an openly romantic relationship with Sokka out of respect for Toph’s feelings? They could’ve had a conversation about it? With Toph telling her to go for it, maybe, because Sokka liked her too? Suki saying she doesn’t want to hurt her? A perfectly nice bonding situation for these two girls, showing quite a lot of respect between them, as well as respect for their personal relationships with Sokka?

But no. That doesn’t happen. 

The second important character Suki bonds most with is Zuko, and in the show, it’s exclusively because they’re with Sokka in the Boiling Rock. Once that’s over you can’t really say there’s any relevant, personal dynamics between them in the show. Heck, Suki tells him she wants a rematch with Azula in the Boiling Rock: Zuko could have offered her a chance to come with him to the Fire Nation and get that rematch, instead of offering it to Katara :’D Why doesn’t he? Because they DID take their time to establish a relationship between Zuko and Katara, even derrailing the show for a whole episode to ensure they would convince Katara to forgive Zuko for all the wrong he did, in the most absurd and contradictory situation possible. Meanwhile, a simple “sorry” from Zuko is enough for Suki to stop holding a grudge. You absolutely CAN interpret this as Suki not being the type to hold a grudge! Which, great! But you also CAN interpret this as the writers being way too lazy to give Suki as much time to forgive Zuko as she could have/should have needed. And sadly, while story-wise I’ll choose to read it the first way, I think, realistically, what happened was the second thing instead.

Suki doesn’t even have a meaningful relationship with Aang. AANG. I’m not saying she should have been his best friend, but Oyaji outright says “you kids had a big impact on her”. It’s PLURAL. It’s not supposed to mean “Sokka had a big impact on her”. Hell, Aang is Kyoshi’s PAST LIFE. Kyoshi is, in all likelihood, Suki’s hero! :’D And yet... nothing. Not even featuring Suki as a Kyoshi fangirl who knows all sorts of random facts about her, such as her favorite foods or the habits she enjoyed most, and Aang saying “oh hey, I like doing that too!”, so that they both could rejoice in this unique, curious shared common ground!

Nay. Nothing. Literally nothing. Her only serious, meaningful relationship is with Sokka... and like I said, whenever Sokka is asked about meaningful relationships with girls, his brain goes “Yue”, immediately, even when the plot would benefit from him saying “Suki” at least ONCE. He’ll sit out at night watching the moon, but he can’t be bothered to bring up how frustrating it is for Azula to have captured Suki whether before or after the Invasion. Yes, Sokka is shown to be the kind of guy who grieves quietly: why is it so much easier, then, to see his quiet grieving for Yue than his concern for Suki?

The truth is, it’s a writing shortcoming. It’s not even something I’d blame on Sokka’s character because, as I always have said, his relationship with Yue really highlights what a wonderful boyfriend he can be when he’s seriously interested in someone. He takes Yue out on dates, gives her gifts, fights for her people, fights the fiancé who only objectifies her, tries to protect her from fulfilling a destiny that will kill her? This is all top-tier romance hero behavior. It is. Why the hell isn’t this behavior seen with Suki too?

It’s not a matter of Suki being a warrior rather than a Princess so she doesn’t need him to act the same way he did with Yue: the show outright, literally, explicitly states Suki is a girl and a warrior, implying Sokka could easily enough woo her the same way he does with Yue, if he cared to. But he doesn’t. It’s Suki with the initiative when their actual romantic relationship begins, and later on Sokka can forget Suki is his girlfriend whenever it suits his fancy, to absolutely no consequences.

So... does this mean, then, that Sokka, in canon, only tries really hard when he’s chasing after someone he can’t be with? That he slacks off and drops the ball when the girl is already his? Well, that’s... not good. Not healthy. Not pretty.

This doesn’t mean that there’s nothing good about Sukka altogether, there are a few things about the ship that aren’t bad... but even then, scenes like “Sokka makes a gross sand sculpture and says it’s Suki” aren’t really that heartwarming to me. It’s not only a comedic relief scene that tries to feature these two as super romantic dorks... but it only reinforces one of the main shortcomings in this relationship for me:

Sokka doesn’t even have to TRY.

He doesn’t. He can make a gross-looking statue, say it’s Suki, and she won’t even make suggestions to improve it? She just says it’s perfect this way. It’s basically the kind of coddling Ursa did with Zuko when Zuko messed up in his firebending display and Ursa said it was wonderful. In the case of a couple, it feels like a mix of cute and condescending? Suki accepts Sokka as he is, sure, so she doesn’t challenge him, doesn’t try to make him do better, he doesn’t need to improve his work... because she’s fine with whatever she gets from him. 

This is complacency. It’s a relationship neither one needs to make efforts for. Suki will always accept Sokka’s occasional romantic gestures, even if he leaves so much to be desired in his relationship with her, as opposed to his relationship with Yue. And I’m not saying Sokka DOESN’T care about Suki, but he doesn’t need to do better with her, and while that’s just what Sokka may think he wants/needs for the future, in truth, that’s not what makes his character thrive.

What makes Sokka’s character grow amazingly is CHALLENGE. And I don’t mean that he needs a girlfriend difficult to be with and out of reach (like Yue): I mean that, when faced with a love interest who keeps him on his toes and makes him continue pushing his boundaries, Sokka would genuinely develop and grow further as a man, warrior, leader and love interest. Look at how fast he develops into a quality swordsman while training with Piandao: why? Because it was a challenge. Because it was an opportunity to hone his skills. Because he had to rise up to prove himself, and HE DOES. In the Invasion? He feels he can’t measure up to Hakoda, but in the end? He winds up LEADING the whole operation. People FLOCK to him as he draws out the battle plans and strategies they’ll follow so they can figure out where Ozai is and take him out before the eclipse ends. Right after thinking he couldn’t do it, when the situation DEMANDED that he stepped up, he did and he goddamn EXCELLED at it, proving himself well above these challenges indeed.

THESE are the moments where his character shines the brightest. And a relationship that wasn’t so complacent would do this kind of thing for Sokka’s character just as well: a challenging relationship would promote his GROWTH. He wouldn’t be stunted in simplicity with someone who doesn’t give up on him when he spends MONTHS disregarding her circumstances. Because the truth is, I see Sokka as an overachiever in denial: he wants to go the extra mile, to do things no one else has done before, but because he’s stuck in a world where he doesn’t have the crazy powers his friends do, he wrongfully assumes they’re the ones who’ll do amazing things and he’ll just lag behind them, so he figures it’s better not to bother trying to stand out at all. Yet look at him, figuring out the perfect plan to take down Ozai’s fleet: look at him, making such an impression on Piandao, epic swordmaster, that Piandao even says “If you stay on this path, I know that one day you will become an even greater master than I am.”

Sokka has incredible, extraordinary potential as a character. He has huuuuge anxieties and sources of anguish and insecurities, and those only make his potential greater. He has flaws that can be worked on, there’s so much room for growth...

And the true reason I can’t support Sukka, on Sokka’s end, is because I don’t think that relationship will encourage him to grow any further.

Meanwhile, I can’t support it on Suki’s end because I don’t think she deserves to be an afterthought for a boyfriend who has so much going on in his life that she’s a secondary or even tertiary thing in his life unless she’s right in front of him. And even when he doesn’t have that much going on (meaning, during the first FOUR comic trilogies), he’s shown traveling the world with his friends instead of spending time with her. And heck, where Suki SHOULD have arrived in the South Pole with Zuko as his guard during North and South, Suki doesn’t show up at all. Why? Seriously, what sort of logic explains that the Fire Lord’s appointed BODYGUARD would stay behind in the Fire Nation while Zuko travels halfway across the world, with hell knows how many dangers ahead? If she HAD gone with Zuko, she would’ve had a chance to spend more time with Sokka and it’d even be a point in Sukka’s favor. But that doesn’t happen. To make matters even worse, Sokka doesn’t even tell Aang to say hi to Suki for him when Aang leaves to the Fire Nation by himself in Smoke and Shadow? There are TWO WHOLE PANELS as Aang takes off on Appa with NO DIALOGUE. Sokka calling after Aang to ask him to say hi to Suki literally would’ve fit PERFECTLY, right there! But no. Suki doesn’t even get that much from her boyfriend.

Seriously, it’s NOT THAT HARD to show a healthy long-distance relationship. It’s not that difficult to feature Suki and Sokka longing to see each other but having too much going on to meet up. But that’s not what we got with Sukka, not in the comics, not in the show. Fans ARE free to believe otherwise, and I’m not going to trample on someone who thinks we just conveniently never get to see the healthiest aspects of their very positive relationship... but there’s no genuine evidence to back up this belief. It’s just wishful thinking and hoping that things are far better behind the scenes than what we’re genuinely shown.

Again... I blame the writing. Especially seeing as Yang’s writing of Sokka is DISMAL. But it doesn’t erase what’s already there. It doesn’t do away with the very obvious problems in this relationship.

The positive moments Sukka gets are offset, for me, by all the negatives. The meaningful relationship they could have developed feels underdeveloped instead, something we should take for granted is there and nothing more. And even those positive moments and episodes aren’t necessarily that positive?

In particular, I point to The Ember Island Players: there are soooooo many messed up things about Sukka in this episode I have no idea how people aren’t more bothered by them. First of all: the episode features Sokka crying about Yue’s staged death scene, and Suki is shown amused, saying she had no idea Sokka had made out with the moon spirit. First of all: SOKKA DIDN’T TELL SUKI ABOUT YUE. Her initial reaction here is amusement, for some reason...? Yet as we already saw that there’s no real bad blood between her and Toph despite she, of all people, KNOWS Toph has a crush on the same guy she likes, there’s no real reason to think Suki would behave like a jealous fiend if she knew Sokka had a relationship with someone else before her. Yet Sokka doesn’t tell her about it: this implies he either doesn’t trust her, or doesn’t know her well enough to realize she WON’T be a jealous fiend, and outright assumes she will be one because of mistaken preconceptions about how relationships work.

At this point, Sokka and Suki have been officially together since Book 2, episode 12. Book 2 happens in spring. Book 3′s conclusion is at the end of summer. This means Sokka has had about four-five months of a relationship with Suki. Out of which, yes, she spent the majority of those months in prison :’D but then he rescued her! And... apparently proceeded not to tell her about his experiences while fighting in the war? To not share his biggest failure to protect someone he cared about? So... to NOT open up to Suki about anything that genuinely mattered?

Considering he’s willing to snap at Toph when she brings up the moon could be “mean”, considering he’s willing to tell Zuko that his first girlfriend turned into the moon when they’re only starting to trust each other... this unwillingness to tell Suki about Yue feels OFF. It doesn’t make any sense. His relationship with Yue was far from something to be ashamed of. It meant A LOT to him. Why the heck hide it from Suki, when all the reasons sound either condescending or distrustful as hell?

Ah. Because the writers thought this scene would be funny, that’s why.

And the funny scene gets even BETTER when Sokka shushes Suki and proceeds to cry about Yue’s death: he’s shutting her out. And hey... Suki doesn’t like this. She turns her face around and looks pretty irritated, whether by being shushed or by his unwillingness to share his past with her or BOTH THINGS...

... And then the show doesn’t acknowledge this OBVIOUS, SIZABLE, IMPORTANT shortcoming of their relationship ever again.

We’re supposed to assume Sokka explained everything later just because? Hell, he looks like he has absolutely no intentions of doing that. If you ask me, it even could feel like he thinks his relationship with Yue is none of Suki’s business? And that’s not pretty. That’s not good romance writing, no matter how you look at it.

This, of course, is not everything: there’s another two unpleasant situations in this episode alone! :’D

The second one is a slightly smaller one, but bears mentioning all the same: Aang is annoyed when the play makes a mockery of Zutara, so he gets up and leaves: Sokka tells him to bring him snacks. After his initial request, Sokka wraps an arm around Suki and they’re shown surprisingly cuddly now, DESPITE their previous impasse. At first, Suki smiles fondly at him. But then he turns around and asks Aang for more snacks. And then Suki outright looks ANNOYED, while Sokka looks like he doesn’t give a single crap.

This, I feel, ties in with what I mentioned earlier about how Sokka doesn’t even have to try with Suki: Suki isn’t merely a happy girl who thinks Sokka can do no wrong. She CAN be annoyed by him and his behavior, but for some reason, she chooses not to bring up her grievances with how he’s acting, even if it doesn’t sit well with her?

So while there’s supposed to be something so very cute with the monster blob sand statue, her approval doesn’t feel genuine to me. I simply can’t see it as genuine. Because when you feature Suki smiling in that strangely motherly way, saying the statue is “sweet” (instead of, I don’t know, saying she actually sees the artistic merit of it (if she did) or saying he just needs to put in a bit more work), she’s focusing exclusively on making SOKKA feel better about himself. And when Suki is annoyed? He doesn’t have to show remotely the same amount of consideration or compassion she displays for him. Why? Because she sweeps her feelings under the rug and lets him get away with everything he does, even things she’s not happy about. She lets him get away with keeping important secrets, lets him get away with annoying her in the middle of the play, AND...

... lets him get away with rubbing in Suki’s face that Azula kicked her ass :’)

Look, I’m not even being my biased shipper self here. The third unpleasant thing in Ember Island Players is that Suki decides to point out that Team Avatar keeps getting out of deadly pinches by sheer luck and that they lose a lot! She doesn’t say this with concern: she looks sardonic, like she’s legit mocking them. It’d feel completely out of place if she hadn’t been annoyed by Sokka earlier, so it feels (to me) like she’s just taunting him because she’s already not in the best of moods and expects to feel better by making fun of him. Not a terrible crime, but a rather strange one to commit too, considering she’s making fun of her boyfriend damn near dying all the time. You’d think, maybe, that kind of possibility should worry her a little more...?

... But then Sokka retaliates with: “You're one to talk, Suki. Didn't Azula take you captive? That's right, she did!”

Isn’t it goddamn WEIRD that Sokka would bring up what, according to a large amount of Suki’s fanbase, must have been a terribly scarring experience for Suki... just to win an argument with her? Just to piss her off because she’s making fun of him? They’re BOTH shown being remarkably inconsiderate towards each other and the struggles they faced in their respective journeys in this scene. It’s supposed to be lighthearted bickering, but the subject they’re choosing to talk about isn’t lighthearted AT ALL.

According to some Suki fans, Suki could have even been tortured, tormented in thousand ways, by Azula when she took her prisoner. There were whole posts going around about how heartwarming it was for Suki to still be waiting for Sokka, no matter what...!

And THIS is how Sokka reacted to Suki’s patient waiting for him? THIS? By telling her “lol loser Azula caught you anyhow so your argument’s invalid”? If Suki HAD gone through some serious torture, beyond getting stripped off her uniform, how on earth would it be healthy for Sokka to use this allegedly mentally scarring experience AGAINST HIS GIRLFRIEND?

Now then, it WOULD BE fucked up, but the truth is, Suki wasn’t tortured at all, so the whole delusional, tragic “Suki is so emotionally strong because she believed in the man who would come save her even in the darkest of moments!” is honestly nonsense in the end: a girl who was tortured, tormented and anguished by the memories of whatever she experienced in Azula’s hands wouldn’t have retorted to Sokka’s comment with an irritated: “Are you trying to get on my bad side?”

Yet again, Suki is annoyed.

They’re both annoyed by each other’s arguments. 

But their discussion ENDS at this point, and goes forgotten, again. 

Suki isn’t even a quality bickering source for Sokka, because as soon as Sokka rebuffs with a counterargument she doesn’t like, she turns things personal and takes offense. Where he may not have taken her initial taunt as a particular, personal attack, she does interpret his words that way.

AND THEN THEY PROCEED TO FORGET ABOUT THEIR ARGUMENT AND ITS IMPLICATIONS, YET AGAIN :’)

Now then... is all this so terrible? Am I making too big a deal out of small things that shouldn’t be inspected so closely, especially as they were likely written with humorous intent and nothing more? It’s entirely possible!

You see, I don’t exactly love the way romance is handled in ATLA because it’s frankly always flawed and faulty beyond belief. People often have said one of the three canon relationships is better than the others, but at this point I disagree altogether: they’re all written to be flawed and have huge gaps of logic in the behavior of the characters involved. The girls are always shown as prioritizing the boy above everything else ever, and the boys are too often shown leaving them behind, forgetting about their love interests alarmingly frequently, being outright FORCED by the plot to let go of their attachment to them, whereas there’s no such conflicts or situations with the girls, in the least! Implying that it’s fine for girls to be completely devoted to a relationship, to the point where their whole LIVES revolve around the boy they like, but the boy shouldn’t behave the same way and must learn to leave the girl behind or put her aside instead?

... The implicit sexism in this consistent writing element in ALL THREE CANON RELATIONSHIPS is honestly pretty disturbing. I don’t think I need to say much more about it, do I?

Now though, I will, however, point out that it’s relatively good for canon NOT to show Kataang, Maiko or Sukka as perfect relationships because it IS realistic. It’s not pretty, but it is realistic. These characters are children or teenagers who quite often didn’t even have good role models of romance in their parents or peers, let alone even slightly decent childhoods, so for them to be 100% healthy in terms of romance would have been utterly absurd. Therefore, these kids would be expected to make mistakes and then learn from them so their relationships improve over time.

Sokka and Suki’s relationship is flawed, which only lends MORE believability to it, because the characters aren’t warped to fit the narrative, to play them as unmistakably perfect, ideal partners for each other. But those flaws do lend for problems like the ones I pointed out above...

And you see, the ultimate problem is that these characters DON’T learn from those mistakes. They don’t. Mai and Zuko are shown making the exact same blunders in the show and the comics, hell, sometimes even worse ones in the comics. Sokka and Suki still act like they’re totally in love ONLY when they happen to be in the same place and even then? Suki outright ignores Azula’s zapping attack at Sokka in The Search! SHE’S IN THE SAME COURTYARD! But it’s the THREE BENDERS who come to Sokka’s “rescue”, despite he doesn’t even NEED rescuing, since the attack was goddamn meaningless anyhow. 

The point is, however, that Suki is right there, damn it, taking care of APPA. And she’d sooner look after the sky bison that than check on her boyfriend, who was just “attacked” by her WORST ENEMY, WITH WHOM SHE WANTED A REMATCH???

Seriously. What logic is this. What kind of ROMANCE is this. It doesn’t make any sense to me, and if I were a Sukka fan I’d be beyond outraged by watching my favorite relationship written so carelessly.

So, because Yang’s writing isn’t even ALLOWED to move anything too far forward, because Bryke don’t want that, none of these relationships have developed in any interesting ways after the show. AT BEST you could say Kataang definitely act differently in the comics than they did in the show, for better or for worse, so you can say there’s some changes in their dynamics, though those changes aren’t necessarily related to genuine character growth. But Maiko? Same old story. Sukka? Same old story.

What exactly does Sukka do for Sokka at this point? He has someone to make out with whenever they cross paths? Yeah, okay, cool. And? That’s it? For that matter, he could be making out with anyone else just the same. What kind of room for growth does she offer him? Going by how she doesn’t even need him around her, by how she has never needed anything but mediocrity from him, I can’t say there’s anything to be found. Their relationship already dealt with its biggest possible hurdle WHEN THEY FIRST MET. That’s the main growth Suki offered Sokka, and now she can’t give him anything else because he’s way too efficient and learned everything she could teach him right away :’) Paired with this, Suki wasn’t developed enough as a character either, so if she has other regards in which she can teach Sokka a thing or two, we simply don’t know it, and the comics refuse to show it to us too, so up to date, Suki is severely underdeveloped by canon and will continue to be, as far as I can tell.

Which, of course, factors in the next question: what does Sukka do for Suki? Honestly, nothing. If this relationship did something interesting for her character, we’d have tons of things to say and discuss about her, but the truth is all Suki-related discussion tends to have nothing to do with Sokka (her past and growth as a Kyoshi Warrior, her future post-canon, whatever the heck happened to her by LOK’s time... I’ve never seen anyone genuinely pondering anything about her relationship with Sokka beyond “did they stay together or not?!?!”). Suki is at her best when she’s with the Kyoshi Warriors, because it’s the only element of her character that DOESN’T revolve around Sokka. Going by the plot of the Shells comic, she could go travel the world teaching girls self-defense, and kicking the asses of sexist dudes! It’s not really going to deepen her character, sadly, because that’s basically ALL we know about her since the start of the show, aside from her attachment to Sokka. And she doesn’t need Sokka to do this. She could do it by herself just the same.

Literally, just for the sake of giving Suki something else to do, not even for my personal OTP’s sake, I’d gladly see Suki breaking up with Sokka so she can damn explore who she is beyond this relationship? The Kyoshi Warriors serving in the Fire Nation Palace was probably the first interesting development for Suki in canon since she first met Sokka, and even then her role there was never explored fully, let alone was her potentially red-herring budding relationship with Zuko. 

But who am I kidding? :’) not gonna happen. For all I know, they got married in canon and had a perfectly happy life together. A perfectly happy, mediocre life, where neither one has to make the slightest effort for the other, in the least. Taking each other for granted, every step of the way!

*sigh* I can’t want this for Sokka, seriously. I can’t. I love his character a lot, but I absolutely hate how he’s written in this relationship. Most my understanding of how Sokka behaves in a relationship has come from how he behaves with Yue, precisely because, as brief as their relationship was, he seriously appeared to value her above so many other things, to fight for her, to do anything he could to help her without asking for anything in return. And that’s why I write him as I do.

Love can feel different when you experience it with different people, of course, and I’m not asking for Sokka to be written exactly the same in two different relationships... but the difference is just way too vast. I don’t question he cares about Suki, but I do question that he genuinely loves her. This is NOT how someone in love behaves. And frankly, Suki’s behavior isn’t that of a girl in genuine love either. She likes him plenty, is impressed by the things he and his friends have achieved, but is it genuine love? How can it be, when they apparently can’t even trust each other about their personal experiences (Yue in Sokka’s case, spending months as a prisoner in Suki’s)? When his behavior rubs her the wrong way and annoys her when they’re at their most casual? When the bickering he’d likely enjoy having with a significant other just falters after two exchanges with Suki because she takes offense to what he said? 

In conclusion:

Writing: the writing of this relationship is frankly really, REALLY flawed, far more than most fans are willing to acknowledge (whether fans of the ship or of the show in general). They try to make jokes with this relationship, but these jokes end up highlighting serious flaws in this relationship that are never addressed. Also, their relationship is hardly ever treated as something majorly important for Sokka, who constantly privileges his bond with Yue over Suki, which is radically contrasted with Suki, who has no meaningful relationships in the show beyond Sokka. As I pointed out earlier, the writing proposes the boy doesn’t need to revolve around the girl, but the girl DOES revolve around the boy? Absolutely appalling.

Dynamics: beyond their exchanges on their very first episode, their dynamics don’t offer anything unique to their characters. You can replace Suki with any other female character, and Sokka’s struggle to let go of Yue and accept a new love interest in his life wouldn’t change in any considerable way. It didn’t HAVE to be Suki, let alone a Suki whose original personality (sassy, demanding, proud to the point of bordering on arrogant, prone to making mistakes because of this flaw...) was completely hijacked by a new one (perfectly nice, friendly, reasonable, considerate, flirty, not demanding in the least, virtually flawless...). There’s not much Sokka can teach the Book 2-onwards Suki, or much else Suki can teach Sokka. There’s not much they can learn together either, because the writing never offers them new challenges they haven’t handled before. Their dynamics exclusively hinge on Suki being reliable in action situations, weak humor centered around Sokka being a mediocre boyfriend, and making out. That’s all their relationship provides, and frankly, they BOTH can do better than that.

Potential: I don’t think Sukka has much more potential beyond what we already have seen. Their natural chemistry isn’t anything out of this world, it’s FINE, but it’s not exactly something extraordinary that can’t be found anywhere else. And that’s really at the crux of why I don’t ship it or find much enjoyment in it: neither Sokka nor Suki appear to be at their best in this relationship. Suki is outright worse off by this relationship because she went from feminist poster child to a girl who REVOLVES AROUND A BOY. Please, let’s let that sink in? There are better possible relationships for them, relationships that absolutely could explore aspects of BOTH characters that have gone underdeveloped and overshadowed in canon, just for the sake of weak humor and make-out sessions.

*sigh*

Fact is, most the problems with Sukka are a matter of poor writing. With better writing, the relationship could be good, and would be easier to take seriously. But even then? I wouldn’t ever expect this relationship to outshine other possible ships for both Sokka and Suki. If you feature another girl as Sokka’s big, rude “girls are fighters too” awakening... what’s left for Sukka? Speaking from experience, seeing as I outright wrote that: without this factor, their relationship wouldn’t be anything particularly noteworthy. Sokka would respect Suki right off the bat, sure, maybe surprise her a bit because of how unpredictable and unexpected he can be, but there’d be no genuine reason for them to seriously develop feelings for each other. That their entire bond hinges on their first encounter, rather than the growth of their relationship across time, is far from appealing for me in a relationship. I absolutely need more than that to ship something.

I’ve already brought up most these arguments in the past, as well as others I probably forgot to mention, but I can give you one more post to look at (if you want it), specifically about how a certain ship can be a vast improvement for Sokka over Sukka :’D This, I’d hope, will clarify what I mean when I say other ships can offer Sokka far more than Sukka does. I didn’t dig into it here, since I tried to focus exclusively on why I won’t ship this, but that might help expand your understanding of my reasons not to support it. And then there’s also the ship I support for Suki... here are my arguments on that topic too. Admittedly, I was more centered on Zuko in this second post, but I basically already gave you all the arguments why Suki in Sukka doesn’t work for me :’D and there’s a few arguments in there about why Zuko would be a far more interesting love interest for Suki than Sokka has been so far, too. So... that’s that. I hope I gave you plenty to think about :’D

#anon #all this is about the ship itself #I have no qualm with the shippers except a select few #who exhibited some really gross behavior years ago #and whom I've happily not crossed paths with since then #I have no severe qualms with this ship's supporters #not like I do with OTHER ships #that won't be mentioned #so no I'm not saying no one should ship it #but I'm saying this is why I don't #*breeeathes* #anyways I hope you enjoy the veeeery long post anon

[junetuesday]

sweetener - [three]

The One At The Library

Pairing: Tom Holland x Female Reader - uni AU

Word Count: 5170 ish

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, fluff, caffeine

A/N: sorry for the delay on this i am *jean ralphio voice* The Worst. I thiiiink this chapter should make up for it tho heheheh lemme know what you think!

Updates Fridays at 11pm BST

Tonight was one of those nights where it just wasn't your night. You stood in the SU toilets waiting for Liv, amid girls taking selfies in the mirrors and attempting to stick false eyelashes back on each other though they could hardly see. Another night, you might have been one of them, gleefully exclaiming "thanks, it's Missguided!" in response to compliments on your dress. Not tonight though.

There wasn't anything wrong per se - Madison was away visiting her boyfriend so it was just you and Liv with some of her friends from her course. They were nice, of course, and you liked them, but they weren't your friends so you didn't feel quite as at ease as you might have. Your pre-night out disco-nap had run on a bit longer than you had intended so you didn't have a lot of time to get ready, plus you thought you had alcohol in when you didn't, so all you had was a glass of warm, somewhat vinegary white wine while you got ready. You managed to pilfer another glass off someone at predrinks, and you'd bought a double when you arrived at the union, but all in all you were relatively sober compared to everyone else, and you weren't feeling particularly confident in your appearance, and honestly, you were bored.

You tapped through Instagram stories as you waited for Liv, neither drunken selfies nor dog photos nor influencers unboxing PR packages holding your attention for long. Your thumb hit the right hand side of the screen almost as soon as each new image came up, switching to the next one well before the full 15 seconds was up. Until this one.

A few nights prior, you, Liv, and Mads had gone on a social media binge after Liv had discovered that you and Harrison followed each other on Instagram and you hadn't told her (?!) - which had lead you to Tom's account. Madison had pressed follow for you in the end, and within ten minutes he'd followed you back. You still hadn't had the confidence to interact with him in any way, or text him for that matter, but it was a start. He'd posted a couple of stories since then, and to say you were glad that Instagram didn't show how many times someone has viewed your story would be an understatement. If it did...yikes. They weren't even all that interesting, but seeing little snippets of his life was nice, it almost made you feel like you knew him a little more. You didn't, of course, all you actually knew was that he went to the gym after work yesterday (from the picture of a protein shake with an 8:49pm timestamp with the caption "post-work gym sesh ☑") and that he'd been working on an essay this afternoon (from the screenshot of a Spotify playlist called Chill Lofi Study Beats with the caption "essay soundtrack 👌" and a location tag that placed him in the library).

And according to this post, he was still there - his laptop open with a notepad next to it, a couple of books and pens scattered across the desk, posted five minutes ago. You tapped through to the next picture, and all you could think was 'oh no'. This one was a selfie, his grumpy expression half covered by his fingers and his chin resting on his palm. His hair was a fluffy mess atop his head, white earphones in both ears and the collar of a black pullover hoodie just visible in the bottom of the frame. You didn't even realise you'd been looking at it that long until the screen skipped to the next story, and you didn't think you'd ever tapped the left side of your screen so fast. Pressing and holding on the screen to stop it timing out, you managed to actually read the caption this time - "send help and coffee 😧" - and maybe those three drinks had had more of an effect on you than you thought, because you were actually kind of considering replying, your thumb swiping up and down on the screen to bring up and hide the 'reply to story' options over and over. No, that's a stupid idea -- what would you even say?

Looking up as though one of the inhabitants of the girl's bathroom would have the answer, you spotted Liv coming out of a cubicle. She had definitely caught up with her friends at predrinks more than you had, and was bopping along to the music echoing in from the adjacent dancefloor as she washed her hands. She'd be badgering you to go get another drink, you knew, or go and dance, or something of that nature that didn't involve you sitting down and pondering potential social media interactions. You looked from her to your phone and back again, before deciding to throw caution to the wind and just say fuck it.

Vanilla latte sound good?

Closing the app and locking your phone as soon as you hit reply, you shoved your phone into your bag, as though if you didn't look at it then it wouldn't matter if Tom replied or not. Oh God, what if he doesn't reply? -- what if he does reply? What if--

"Let's get SHOTS!"

With a groan and a playful roll of your eyes you let Liv pull you back out to the bar, rejoining her friends. You ordered a shot of apple Sourz - which, yes, is a cop out shot, but you didn't particularly care to go for the sambuca shots that were lining up on the counter at Liv's request. Even if you weren't having one, though, it still made for a fun Instagram story - because even if you're not having fun it's important to make sure it looks like you are online, right? That was the only reason you took your phone back out of your bag, no other reason. You didn't even look at your notifications, not even a glance at that little red (1) in the top right hand corner, and you definitely didn't open it immediately after posting your story. No, you waited at least ten seconds while everyone took their shots, then you opened it.

That would be ideal🙏🏻

Hm. Liv tugged on your wrist again, pulling you towards a clubroom. Reluctantly, you followed, your group huddled loosely in a circle on the dancefloor. You moved your body to the beat, but your mind was less on the music and more on your phone, clutched tightly in your hand.

You knew he meant coffee, you knew it was a joke, but...Tom had been calling you Vanilla Latte until recently... But no. That's stupid, it's gone midnight and he's still studying, he definitely was just talking about coffee, he didn't mean, well, you. But still...

You glanced down at your phone, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible (though no one was watching, and if they were they wouldn't care, like, at all), and let out an involuntary squeak at the notification on the screen.

tomholland1996 replied to your story:

or a couple of those haha 😂

Not to read too much into things but... double message? You bit the corner of your lip to try and stop yourself from smiling as you unlocked your phone and tapped out a reply.

I bet haha

Your thumb hovered over the 'send' button, hesitating. What a shit reply - but what else do you say?

Tom is typing...

Oh shit. You deleted your message, but as soon as you did so he stopped typing too. Ugh. You waited a moment, and sure enough:

Tom is typing...

Anyway enjoy your night x

You almost scoffed, looking up and taking stock of your surroundings, that weird out of place feeling you get when you're the only sober(ish) one in a room of drunk people creeping over you. The music was too loud and too bassy, the lights were too flashy, everyone was bumping into you, plus your feet hurt and you were tired and you felt about fifty years older than your nineteen years.

🤷 su's actually shit tonight tbf

You tried to ignore the fact that 'seen' popped up under your message instantly.

Really? Sure its better than the library

Hm. Another elbow collided with your spine, and you decided then you were done with tonight.

Debatable

You know when youre just not feelin it?

You were barely even pretending to move to the music now, just nodding your head as your attention remained on your phone. It seemed to be getting more and more crowded anyway, so you hardly had any room to move even if you wanted to.

Fair

Think i'd just rather be doing anything other than writing this essay

Idk if id go so far as to say id rather be writing an essay but it'd defo rather be in bed 😴👵

Oh yeah thatd be my preferred choice too but i guess i'll just have to make do with coffee instead of sleep

Why dont you just go home tho?

That was a good point, you could go home. You didn't think Liv would mind, she was having fun and her friends lived close enough that sharing a cab home with them wouldn't be an issue. The only problem was, you didn't really want to go home - what you wanted to do was go and hang out with Tom. Not while he was working, or for five minutes when you bumped into him in the kitchen, but just...because. You nibbled at your bottom lip as you considered your options, flashing a smile-and-nod at Liv when she looked over at you and you lipread her shouting 'you okay?' at you. The library was just across the car park in the center of the campus, you could just pop in and say hello... and the coffee from the Lavazza branded machine downstairs in the SU was better than the weird generic one in the library.

I actually might you know

You typed out the next message really fast, taking a deep breath in before pressing send.

Could bring you a coffee on my way past?

Eyes trained on the screen, you held your breath as Tom is typing... popped up, disappeared, reappeared, then disappeared again.

You would be saving my life

Aaaand exhale.

Only seems fair

You'd almost forgotten where you were, if it weren't for the people jostling you around and the balls of your feet screaming in pain from your heels.

Haha yeah i think you probably owe me a latte or 7

Your heart was beating in your chest, and this was definitely how you saw your night going when you gulped down that glass of tepid chardonnay, but you couldn't say you were mad about it.

Exactly

So a latte then yeah?

Wait youre actually gonna ditch a night out and bring me a coffee?

Yep, that's exactly what you're doing.

Apparently so

Then yes a latte pls

Coming right up (that's what baristas say right?)

God how fucking cringe --

I think so idk im not a very good one

Youre ok

cheers

Weaving your way away from the group, you mimed taking a drink at Liv when she grabbed your arm as you passed her. You weren't really lying, you were going to get a drink, it was just going to be a caffeinated one instead of an alcoholic one. You couldn't be bothered explaining that to her right now, though, and she was already turning back to her friends and taking one of their faces in her hands to yell lyrics at them, so you didn't feel too bad about leaving her.

Your feet hurt a little less (only a little though) as you made your way down the stairs, and you only got a few weird looks as you got two lattes from the coffee machine. You got rather more weird looks, however, when you walked into the library. There was hardly anyone there at this time, just a handful of zombie-like students dotted around and a couple of security staff at the door keeping an eye on things, but every single one of them looked at you at least once as you meandered over to where Tom had told you he'd be. You couldn't really blame them though, it was gone midnight and there you were, clip-clopping through the university library in absurd heels and a dress that showed rather more of your skin than you would normally have exposed in that setting. You felt a little self-conscious, but with a cup of coffee in each hand you couldn't pull it down, so you had to make do with taking short, shuffling steps to try and minimise how far up your thighs the fabric would ride as you walked.

Just as he'd said, you found Tom at a table in the group study area. Books, balled up sheets of paper, pens and empty drinks cans littered the desk, looking rather more disorderly than his Instagram story had depicted. He hadn't seen you yet, and he looked to be deep in thought. Hunched over his laptop, the glow of the screen reflected in his glasses, his fingers were spread out across the keyboard as though he was about to start typing. In the time it took you to walk over, however, he didn't press a single key, and when you set one of the cups down beside him he jumped slightly, taking a sharp breath in like you'd startled him. Less 'deep in thought' and more 'in a deep trance', perhaps.

Tom groaned when you giggled, pulling his earphones from his ears and blinking rapidly to try and reawaken his eyes.

"You're a lifesaver, thank you."

He gave you a small smile as he reached for his coffee, his face tired but eyes still bright as he looked up at you. You could feel his gaze scanning over your body, making you feel a different kind of self-conscious - the kind that made you smooth out your dress to sit nicely across your thighs now that you had a free hand, rather than tugging it down as far as it would go like you wanted to when you walked in.

"No worries."

Hovering awkwardly beside the desk, it only then occurred to you that Tom probably wanted you to leave so he could get on with his essay and get out of the library as quickly as possible. He seemed to sense this train of thought from you, because he hummed something incoherent through a mouthful of coffee and scrambled to move some of his crap aside so there was space for you to sit at the table.

"Sorry--"

"Oh, um-"

You did a sort of half-laugh, stepping back out of the way to let him push papers and books aside. There were about six chairs dotted around the table, but as he'd cleared a space at the one closest to him, just around the corner of the square table, you picked that one.

"How's it going?" You took a sip of your own coffee, nodding towards the laptop between you. "-or should I not ask?"

"Ugh, don't ask." Tom groaned, leaning back and bringing his leg up so his foot rested on his chair, bent knee exposed by the rips in his faded black jeans. "S'not even due 'til next week but I thought I'd just get it done and out of the way 'cause I've got work and shit to do but..."

He trailed off, shrugging.

"Not happening?"

"Not happening."

You hummed, clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth. You knew the feeling, no stranger to complete lack of motivation yourself. Looking around at the books scattered across the table, you realised you didn't actually know what Tom studied, but it seemed like he didn't really want to talk about uni work, so instead of asking about his degree, you said:

"I didn't know you wore glasses."

Nice nonsequiteur, good one.

"Hm? Oh, yeah," Tom took the frames off and set them down on his laptop keyboard, rubbing the inner corners of his eyes with his knuckles. "Just for computer stuff, you know?"

"Oh, cool." You looked down at your cup as you brought it up to your lips. "I like them. On - on you."

Your eyes flicked over to him as you took a sip, darting back to your cup before he could catch your eye.

"Thanks."

You just smiled, hoping the general feeling of '!!!!!!!' in your head wasn't evident on your face.

"So, SU not living up to your expectations tonight?"

Shaking your head, you set your cup down before launching into an explanation of everything that had contributed to your less-than-satisfactory night. You didn't mean to go off on one, but Tom was laughing at how exasperated you were getting about tiny inconveniences, and before you knew it, you'd been rambling for God knows how long, which lead to Tom ranting about all the annoying things he'd witnessed people doing in the library that afternoon, and before long an hour had passed and the conversation had turned, as it often does with millenials, to memes.

"Wait you haven't seen that one? It's fucking hilarious, I've got it saved on my phone so I can look at it, like, daily."

You opened your bag to take out your phone, your smile freezing on your lips as a thought crossed your mind. Unzipping the inside pocket, your fingers skipped over the contents one by one - lipgloss, lash glue, gum, tampon - until your suspicions were confirmed.

"Oh fuck."

Tom hummed a question mark in response, eyebrows raised at your sudden shift in temperament.

"I haven't got my house keys," you frowned, trying to remember the last time you saw them.

"Shit - d'you reckon you dropped them in the union?"

"Nah," You shook your head as it came back to you - you were in a rush to shove your stuff into your bag before leaving for predrinks, and you distinctly remembered thinking 'I need to grab my keys from my backpack', but then Liv asked to borrow a lipstick and you immediately forgot about your keys.

"I know where they are, they're at home. It's cool I'll just text Liv and see if she's still out or what, maybe get a cab home with her."

After tapping out a quick text to Liv, you looked back to Tom, setting your phone facedown on the table. He was looking at you questioningly, glancing between you and your phone. You blinked at him uselessly, mind drawing a blank when you attempted to remember why exactly you opened your bag in the first place.

"Uh, you were gonna show me..." he trailed off, gesturing to your phone.

Uhhh duhhhhhhhh. Jesus girl, get it together.

Re-engaging your brain, you pulled up the screenshot, hoping he couldn't feel the heat radiating off your cheeks or notice the way your fingers were trembling ever so slightly as they gripped your phone. Either he didn't or he declined to comment on it, showing you a vine compilation video on his laptop instead. You ended up burrowing deeper and deeper into a meme-rabbit-hole, shifting closer to the edge of your seat with each embarrassingly loud laugh, and for a little while you forgot about your key dilemma.

"I think-" you began, interrupted by your fifth yawn in as many minutes. "I think I need to go to bed."

"Same - hey did Liv text you back?"

"Shit. Uhh-"

You checked your notifications, and sure enough there was one from Liv, received twenty-five minutes ago.

No lmao debrief tomo xxxxxx

You didn't realise Tom was reading over your shoulder until you heard a soft 'ah' in your ear. Your eyes scanned the rest of the screen in a panic, but thankfully found no incriminating evidence of your growing interest in the boy beside you, or of Liv's in his best friend. Making a slightly strangled 'hmm' sound, you tapped the phone icon at the top of the screen.

"I'll call her and see what-"

You'd barely brought the phone to your ear before a cool voice welcomed you to O2 voice mail. You knew it all too well - Liv was notorious for letting her battery die, preferring to use that last 2% on Snapchat than saving it in case one of her housemates gets locked out.

"Bollocks."

"She alright?" Tom leaned back in his seat, concern ghosting over his tired features.

"Yeah yeah, she was with a load of her friends so they've probably gone back to one of theirs to smoke or something. She'll be fine. I'm kinda fucked, though."

A beat of silence passed while you tried to come up with a solution that didn't involve you sleeping in the library, but with Madison miles away and Liv MIA, you were coming up blank.

"You can stay at mine?"

Sorry, what? You blinked at Tom, certain you had misheard him.

"If-if you want. I could sleep on the sofa or something and you could have my room."

Yep, no, that's what he said.

"Oh, I-"

"Just, um, you know, if you can't go home-"

"Would, uh, is that okay?"

"Yeah," He nodded, a soft smile in his voice. " 'course."

You bit down gently on your bottom lip, your own smile threatening to spread across your face.

"Thanks."

Your voice came out as barely more than a whisper, a squeak really. He was still so close, your shoulders almost touching where you'd been looking down at your phone together. This felt much closer though, face to face, your eyes able to count the freckles smattered across his nose and cheeks, see the indent of a chickenpox scar near his right eyebrow, another one on the left side of his nose. You didn't dare let your vision travel any further south than the bridge of his nose, not sure of what you'd do if you looked down and saw that easy smile that he wore so well.

But then again, maybe you could just sneak a glance...

Tom cleared his throat, the sound making both of you jolt back ever so slightly into your seats.

"Um, should we-"

"Yeah, yeah-"

Silence settled over you as you gathered up Tom's stuff off the table, stopping to shove your coffee cups and all his other rubbish into a bin on the way out. By the time you got to Tom's car though, conversation had started to flow again, and he gave you free rein over the music, so the short drive passed with only mild awkwardness between you.

Tom's bedroom turned out to be behind the locked door you'd seen that first night at predrinks, the mystery room on the ground floor at the front of the house. Unsure of the social protocol in situations like this, you hovered by the door as Tom turned on the lamp on his bedside table, dumping his stuff on the floor by his desk. The lamp didn't provide too much light, most of the room still shrouded in darkness, so you focused your attention on the carpet by your feet, fibres frayed where they met the skirting board.

"Do you want Super Noodles?"

Your head jerked up, a laugh spluttering past your lips because what? But then, also, yes, yes you did want Super Noodles.

"Yeah, actually."

"D'you wanna put something on TV and I'll..." he trailed off, pointing in the general direction of the kitchen.

"Sure."

You perched on the end of Tom's bed while he fiddled with his TV and PS4 that sat atop a chest of drawers opposite you, bringing up Netflix and passing you the controller.

"D'you know how to..."

"Mmhmm."

"Cool."

You flicked the edges of the shoulder buttons with your fingers, the soft clicks the only sound beyond the hum of the TV as you looked up at Tom from the edge of his bed, nodding his head slowly as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He cleared his throat again, taking a jerky step away from you.

"Okay, uh, I'll just- yeah."

Letting out a deep breath once he'd left the room, you started to flick through the options on the screen. You eventually settled on Friends - everyone likes Friends, plus then it wasn't a whole movie or hour long episode you'd have to sit through if it got awkward. You hoped it wouldn't be awkward, things had been getting progressively less awkward between you, but this was different. You were in his room at two in the morning, sat on his bed in a rather revealing dress, more of your bare thigh in contact with the soft cotton of his sheets than you had expected when you left the house earlier that evening. That reminded you - were you going to sleep in your dress? It wasn't very comfortable so you'd really rather not, but were you going to ask him for something to wear? Were you bollocks. So, you'd resigned yourself to being uncomfortable and hoping that nothing popped out in the night when Tom returned from the kitchen, backing into the room with a bowl of noodles in each hand.

"Thanks," you gave him a shy smile as you took one of the bowls from him, the heat of the ceramic almost as hot as the flush that crept up the back of your neck when he smiled back.

"Do you want something else to wear?" Tom's eyes widened as soon as the words left his mouth, realising how they sounded. "Not that you don't look- it's just it doesn't look that comfortable, and-"

"Yes, please."

"Okay," he breathed when you cut him off, nodding. "Um..."

Setting his bowl on top of his chest of drawers, he rummaged through for something to give you. His figure was obscured by the light of the TV screen, the bright white of the Netflix logo blurring the edges of your vision. You had to blink a few times after he turned around before you could see properly again, as though you'd just looked directly into the sun.

Stop blinking so much, he's going to think you've got a twitch, or an eye infection or something.

Trying to keep your eyes open as long as possible (without looking shocked), you swapped your bowl for the t shirt and pair of blue checked pyjama bottoms he handed you.

"I'll just go, uh, get changed then."

Shutting Tom's door behind you, you darted upstairs to the bathroom. You had no idea if Harrison was in or not, but you would really rather not bump into him just then, knowing he'd be insufferable. After changing into Tom's clothes (definitely not noticing how they smelt innately comforting, fresh but still warm) you peeled off your false eyelashes, popping them into your handbag. That was about all you could do in terms of make up removal, so you just had to hope you had remembered to put on setting spray earlier and that you wouldn't wake up with panda eyes and a stained pillow case.

Tom had turned the light off and changed into a pair of joggers when you got back to his room, settled at the head of the bed atop the covers with just the glow of the TV lighting the room and reflecting off his glasses. Placing your bag and folded dress beside your heels on the floor by the door, you sat cross-legged beside him, taking the bowl he handed you with a quiet thanks. You munched your way through your noodles as the first episode played, sneaking glances at the boy beside you every now and then.

By the time the second episode started, two empty bowls were stacked on the bedside table, and you were getting sleepier and sleepier, pulling the covers up over your legs. You slipped further and further down the bed as the episode went on, your eyes growing heavier and heavier until you were almost asleep.

"I'm just gonna..." you sighed, rolling into your side and curling your legs up closer to your chest.

"I'll uh- I'll go."

The mattress dipped as Tom pushed himself up, moving to get up, but you shook your head, eyes still closed.

"Mmmno."

Tom froze, a nervous laugh stuttering from the back of his throat.

"What?"

Half-asleep, you looked up at him, sliding your hand across the mattress and under your cheek beneath the pillow.

"Stay."

You thought you heard him make a sound, but your eyes were already closing again, your mind too sleepy to comprehend anything beyond the fact that his body was warm beside yours and you didn't want him to leave. The whys and hows weren't too important just then.

The bed shifted a few more times as Tom reached for the remote to turn off the TV and set his glasses aside, letting out a low, deep breath as he lay down next to you. You were all but asleep, so you weren't sure if you imagined it, but you thought you felt his hand brush against yours as he mirrored your position, lying on his side with an arm curled up under his pillow.

Hm.

You stuck out your little finger to test, just to see - and sure enough, it bumped against his. Still half-asleep (or at least, that would be your excuse if he moved away), you lifted your finger up to lay it over his, feeling his digit flex as he hooked it around yours. That, you were pretty sure, you didn't imagine.

You really were tired, honestly so so close to being asleep, but now all you could hear was your breathing, and Tom's breathing, and the hammering of your heart in your chest, and it was all a bit much.

You opened one eye, and from the slither of light coming in around the curtains from the streetlamp outside you could just about make out one side of Tom's face - enough to know he was looking at you.

"Hi," he breathed.

"Hey."

Your eyes closed when he'd repositioned, you hadn't realised quite how close your faces were, only the width of your hands between you. Nibbling on your bottom lip, you glanced between his eyes, fixed on yours, and his lips, slightly parted.

Is he getting closer??

You tried to regulate your breathing, but he was definitely getting closer, and you could feel the warmth of his breath on your lips as you swallowed harshly.

"S-sorry you didn't get to finish your essay."

Tom chuckled softly, and your noses were almost touching, and suddenly his hand was gone from beside yours under the pillow, a finger hooked under your chin instead.

"It's fine."

Nudging the side of your nose with his, he tilted your face up and away from the pillow, the quiet 'oh' dying on your lips as he captured them between his own.

Oh, indeed.

⋘TWO | FOUR⋙

taglist:

@starksparker @bi-writes @softspideys  @thwippeter @cutiehollands@loserparker @madmadmilk  @hollandlovely @spiderboytotherescue@hollandbaby @dtftomholland @cabbagebag @iknowisoundcrazy@spiderman-n @luvnyuh @parkerpuffwrites @thwip-it-real-good@positiveparker @ap93mcu @popculture-parker @bilkyrie @pineapplwz@thequeensardine @hollandroos 

@mikalaka @awkwardfangirl2014@booksaremylife @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @mcuspidey @summernykole@smashley816 @unicorn-princess-1999 @uwu-peter-parker-uwu  @shawnraulparker@curlyhairedparker @curlytoms @darlingxholland@smexylemony @musiclover1263 @hueppily @therealcap@alwaysafanficwriter @timelock97 @trustfundparker @bon-travail98@babyplutoszx2 @xxtomxo @que-es-life  @spider-babes @expcto-ptronum @rosieredcheeks @laucontrerasv @sweet-baby-cakes @mismatchingsocks @rxsesinjune @toomuchdaegu @baebeepeach@killer-barnes @hauntedbysilence @fratboievans  @splashofbi @nicole-lynne@whydidichoosebiochem @parkerindustrys  @parkersvibes @tomhollandsbitch @summertime-acoustic @solarspidey@enchantingkittengaditor @hcneybugs @queenofthefangirls7 @fabtasticass@driftingtonystark @txmhoelland @applenter @little-hoseok @mayaisntfunny @toodeeptowake @dangerousluv1 @chubby-cheek-calum @awwyeaahh @aussie-mantle @spiderkat1248 @underoosjae @ultrunning @stormyparker@supernatural-girl97 @petersfreckles @tiny-parker@madeinthemidnightmemories @iamcalledsteph @bellsclarkee@iamscribby519 @captainsteverodgersgirl @jessjesstotherescue @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @littlebookbengal @danicarosaline @xplodingsocks@yourwonderbelle @tommyhollandaisesauce @spiderrpcrker

@mellow-delight@danny-the-coolest @gennyld-blog @parkerstylesperalta @spidey-waffles11@wisdomsprydexparker @hannahholland1811 @hufflepuff-wanda @what–you–egg @lexshead @thisismyblogthing @i-stan-brie-larson @ohmyquackson@tiny-friggin-human @deathofmissjackson @stop-wonder-think @alexs-mardy-bum @marshmallow-babe  @smolholland56 @relise-thefury  @stretchkingblog97 @1022bridgetp @nedthegay @jurassicparker@fairydustparker @altuniverse @rekrappeter @sofiarasines @misslexilouwho @kissykissykissykissykissy @tomshufflepuff @theideasofa-troubleminded @bearsbeetsbarnes @lala-florez @plxstic-rose @cancerous-lizard666 @quinjetboi 

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland imagine #tom holland blurb #tom holland fluff #tom holland uni au

[mydeardeath]

To belong with (8/8)

The series ends here. You can read everything with the tag ‘to belong series’

---

Damian opened the door for them. Alfred was probably in the cave at this hour, and he didn't want him to learn about Tim's return through a camera's lens.

Once they started descending to the cave, the Omega took his hand. Tim was tensed. Alfred should be the only one home, but there was no real guarantee.

The butler was sitting in front of the main computer when they entered. He didn't notice them right away. They didn't make much noise when moving, and they were standing in the shadows. Damian called out to him to make themselves known.

Alfred was suddenly looking up at him, surprise to have him come to the cave of his volition. He froze upon seeing that Damian wasn't alone. Tim was half-hidden behind Damian, but that didn't change anything. Alfred knew his boys to well.

"Master Tim," he spoke softly, hardly believing what he was seeing. Even with how much these boys tended to come back to life, it never ceased to amaze him.

"Alfred." Tim ran into his arms as the man stood up, clutching tightly to the old man.

"Welcome home, my boy. I am happy to see you well."

"Me too, Alfred. Me too."

"Have you talk to your father, Master Damian?" Alfred turned to the young man when Tim released him.

"It's a surprise, Al!" Tim exclaimed, not letting Damian the time to answer himself. Alfred would have probably sermoned Damian about keeping his return a secret. Tim had felt protective of the Alpha that had comforted him since he had been back. He had understood his reasons to stay silent. Damian had been the only one actively looking for him. In the end, he had found his way back home on his own, but it was the intention that mattered.

After that, Alfred had made them cookies as they waited for Dick and Bruce to come home. It had taken a few hours, during which Damian had begun to work on a new suit for Tim. They had decided to not change much of the design since Tim liked it, but they had planned to make it lighter and more resistant.

Two weeks after, Tim had started training with it when he was not playing at Damian's personnel Oracle. Even though that was frustrating for the Omega, they had both agree that he was not ready to go back on the street. That had given him time to be officially resurrected alongside all the other people that had come back. Wayne Enterprise had offered Tim his old office, but he had refused. He preferred to focus on other things than work for the moment. Plus, he could feel the offer was forced. It was understandable. After all, he was six years late so he wouldn't be the best for the post at the moment. Tim wasn't sure he would be back as CEO one day.

He had a trip planned for the weekend. Dick wanted him to meet his daughter. It had been weird to learn that Dick had a child. He had been less surprised by the arrangement he had with Koriand'r.

"Who's your friend, Damian" Dick had asked, finding two boys hunch over the table, inspecting sketches.

"Hi, Dick." Tim had turned and smiled at him as if everything was normal.

At first, his big brother had been too shocked to move. Then a sob had escaped his lips, and Dick had lifted Tim in the air, crying of happiness. Dick had talked to him, but Tim couldn't make sense of any of it trough all the sobbing.

"Don't put snot all over him, Grayson."

Dick didn't even glance at Damian but answered him nonetheless.

"Would you prefer I yelled at you? I'm pretty sure you had Tim for a few days and didn't tell us." He spoke more clearly so Damian could hear the reproach in his voice. "Good thing I only leave tomorrow. You should come with me, Tim, there someone you need to meet."

Tim left Dick's embrace to look at the man's face.

"You mean to tell me the Dick Grayson has settled down."

Damian snorted in the background.

"Well, not really, babybird. But I have a daughter now. I'm sure she would love to have another uncle. Maybe you could be her new favorite."

That was aimed at Damian, but he did not take the bait. He was pretty confident in his position. Mar'i was his number one fan nowadays.

"I'd love too, Dick."

Bruce had arrived soon after and, though he would deny it, he did no better than Grayson in holding back his tears.

"I'm glad to have you back, Tim. And I am sorry."

"What happened wasn't your fault, Bruce."

"I am sorry for not believing you, Damian. I'm thankful you were here for Tim."

Damian was put into the hug by Dick, who had decided that they should all join. Damian hugged them back awkwardly, not used to it after years of distancing himself from his family.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"Don't really know, I was thinking about college. I had been considering it before. I can still be in the loop by being Oracle. I might come back as Red Robin when I feel like it. But for now, I don't. I thought I would but no."

It was hard admitting it, especially after he had insisted on training every day to prepare his return. But Damian didn't seem to judge him. He was supportive of his plan even though he didn't like the idea of Tim going away to Ivy. But it wasn't that far, he would cope.

***

One month later, he had helped Tim settle down on campus. His apartment was pretty small compared to what they were used to. The kitchen was opened in the living room that was only furnished with a sofa and a coffee table, which would probably be where Tim would be taking most of his meal, considering he didn't have enough space for a table or chairs. Tim's bedroom was taken by a double bed and all of his tech. There was barely any place to pass between the desk and the bed.

Tim had wanted something small and inconspicuous. He did not want any of his fellow students to know he was part of the Wayne family nor that he was one of those who had come back after disappearing for six years. That would have attracted far too much attention, and Tim didn't want any. He wanted to spend his college year as a simple student. If he was going to be noticed, it would be for his brain.

Or for the handsome Alpha that kept visiting him. Damian was here almost every weekend to spent some time with him, always bringing homecooked meals. Most of the other Omega on his floor were jealous. They would dress pretty when they knew there a chance he would be here and would wander through the building hallways. Some would even do it while smelling of pre-heat, not that Damian ever seemed to notice. He only had eyes for Tim.

He was not an enamored Alpha that would stare at him blissfully. But he would always give his full attention to Tim when he was dropping by.

And all the small gestures were hard to ignore. Damian made sure to always be up first to prepare him breakfast for when he would emerge.

How many times had he carried Tim to bed when he was falling asleep on his homework? After tucking Tim in, he would read the man's essays, checking for mistakes, and writing some pointers if he was familiar with the subject.

He always seemed to know when Tim had a test and made sure he had an appropriate amount of sleep before. He also checked that Tim wasn't missing it by sleeping in. He had saved Tim so many times.

Even when he was not here, he would regularly send messages to Tim to remind him to eat or sleep.

Tim was starting to fell for the Alpha as the months passed. They had talked so much through messages and comms or when Damian was over. Tim had learned to know the man Damian had become and he liked it. And he wasn't blind. He knew that Damian was interested too. Hell, he had even met his mother. Sure, he had already seen Talia Al Ghul before. But this time she had come as Damian's mother. She had warned him to never die again. She had hated how weak Damian had become. The alpha had told him how she had broken into his house and held a knife to his throat while he was too slow inattentive to realize that someone was here. How she had told him to wake up and stop being pathetic. She had gotten her wish with Tim's return.

That's why when Damian reminded him that he wouldn't be able to make this weekend because of his rut, Tim argued.

"You could have it here."

"I... what?" The alpha spluttered, not believing what he was hearing.

"Your rut, you could have it here," Tim repeated, insisting on every word to make himself clear.

"What are you saying, Timothy?" Damian's voice was thick with anticipation.

"I'm saying we could spend it together. If you want to."

It was expected that Damian would say yes. The flower had been a surprise. But Tim found it cute anyway.

#damitim #timdami #to belong series #part 16

[the-queer-dungeoneer]

Not Alone (Crowley x Fem! Reader) - Ch. 2/?

Previous / Next

Characters: Reader, Crowley, Aziraphale, Gabriel and likely more once we get into the thick of it.

Relationships: Crowley x Reader, Aziraphale x Reader, Aziraphale x Crowley

POV: First-person

Warnings: Talks about lonliness, but otherwise n/a

Tags: @curse-brekker​, @oopstheregoesmysoul13​

*gif is not mine and neither are any of the characters or source material!

Y/N = your name

Y/N/N = your nickname

Y/L/N = your last name

H/C = Hair color

E/C = Eye color

F/C = Favorite color

A/N: Aaaaaaand I’m back! I have survived my first round of midterms! Yay! Thank you all for the love on chapter one. It really made my week.

Thank you to my lovely editor @aka-ellie ❤️

Lots of love! - TQD

October 2018

“Aziraphale!” I called, bouncing into the shop. “Aziraphale, I have the most wonderful news!”

It had now been six weeks since we’d first introduced ourselves.  I came to the shop almost daily to work on homework and read his unique collection of books. I learned all about how his childhood dream was to open a bookstore. He explained that he had loved history as a boy, so much so that he would write himself into the frontline of historical events. He recounted these fictions with such detail I nearly believed him. It was lovely to see his eyes alight with passion. Knowing he had achieved his dreams made me feel so optimistic. I told him of my dreams to become a research psychologist. I explained how I wanted to research the beneficial effects of the humanities on the brain and use that as a jumping off point for starting insurance-supported arts therapy centers. He didn’t call me a dreamer, he called me a visionary.

“Aziraphale?” I questioned. He was known to keep the shop open at odd hours, but the door being unlocked meant he was almost certainly there. I didn’t see him at the front desk, and after peeking around a few rows of shelves, I heard voices coming from the back room. I didn’t want to interrupt him if he was in a meeting, so I quietly sat on the window seat and started reading my textbook.

The back door creaked open several minutes later and a very tall and official looking man with strikingly purple eyes walked out. Aziraphale was following closely behind him. The stranger looked quite stern but put on a smile when he saw me sitting in the shop.

“I am so sorry Aziraphale,” he said in a pseudo-animatronic tone, “I didn’t realize I was keeping you from your customers.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, sir.” I assured him, “I am just visiting as an, um, an acquaintance. I only had a question for Aziraphale.”

“Ah. An acquaintance? I didn’t know you kept company other than these dusty books Aziraphale.” The calm and clinical man rainsed an eyebrow. “Well, any acquaintance of Aziraphale’s is an acquaintance of mine!” He said, extending his hand to me. “I’m Gabriel, and you are?”

“Y/N. It’s um – it’s nice to meet you Mr. Gabriel.” I said, attempting to return the handshake.

Gabriel took my hand and kissed my knuckles swiftly. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be cordial, but it came across as domineering and quite creepy. I played it off with a small, uncomfortable giggle.

“Lovely to meet you Y/N. Now, please excuse me, I have a meeting all the way uptown that I simply must get to.” And with that, he marched out the door not unlike a wind-up tin soldier. Something about him made me feel uneasy way down in the pit of my stomach.

“Y/N, dear, I am so sorry about that. Gabriel is – um… well – he’s a colleague of mine. We had to confer about some urgent business.” Aziraphale said, stumbling over his words. He seemed unusually frazzled for a normally calm and collected ball of cheer.  

“Are you alright Aziraphale? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Oh no, ghosts aren’t real. Anyways, everything is tickety-boo! Especially now that you’re here. Please, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company this afternoon?”

I didn’t quite believe him, but I didn’t feel I’d known him long enough to pry. My motivations for coming suddenly felt very self-centered seeing the stress that was attempting to conceal itself in his forehead wrinkles.

“Well, I just got that essay back, and I wanted to share it with you. But it seems like it’s a bad time, so why don’t I come back later?”

“Nonsense, my dear! I am just fine. Truly, nothing more than a long day of work. I have so been looking forward to reading your essay.” His demeanor seemed to be easing, so I handed over the manila folder containing my last few weeks of sleep and effort.

“I was quite excited about my professor’s thoughts, so I actually brought you the graded copy. It seems silly now. Don’t pay any mind to it. You really don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.” I was rambling out of embarrassment at this point, thinking I should’ve just put the essay in my desk drawer and moved on. He probably didn’t care that much, right?

“Y/N, dear, it’s alright to be proud of your accomplishments. Now, let’s see.” He opened the folder revealing the packet of papers with a large red pen marking that said ‘95/100 – innovative.’ “Well that is an A+ if I’ve ever seen one! Amazing, dear! I am so proud of you!”

Hearing that made my heart smile. He was proud of me. This lovely and sincere man was proud of the work I had done. It was reassuring and helped me feel much less awkward about the ordeal. Aziraphale had an aura that instantly made you feel comfortable.

He poured us two mugs of tea and invited me into the back room where there was a little couch. I didn’t think he’d want to read it while I was in the room, I was a bit anxious thinking about it to be honest, but he seemed insistent that I stay, so I settled into the side of the couch and worked on annotating a book for a case study I was researching. It took him about twenty minutes to read through all of what I had written – every word, footnote and figure.

“Wow.” He breathed, closing the folder and looking at me. His blue eyes seemed contemplative. I couldn’t decipher what he was thinking and started panicking. Surely he was questioning my intellect “That was phenomenal Y/N. Truly, if I were part of the government and I had read that, I would put your plan into action effective immediately. My goodness, you were so creative and convincing. It was so emotionally charged yet logical. Oh - my dear, you are brilliant!”

I was floored by his praise. My cheeks felt warm and I couldn’t stop smiling. This man that I admired so dearly thought so highly of my work. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much his opinion mattered, but it did. It mattered a lot.

“Please let me take you out to dinner to celebrate this accomplishment! My treat.”

“Oh, that is so kind of you Aziraphale, but I am sure you have plenty of work to do and I really don’t want to trouble you.”

“You always worry about causing me trouble. I promise you, it is no trouble for me to take my friend out and celebrate her merits. I insist. We will go anywhere you like!”

Friend. I felt the corners of my eyes sting a bit with that word and a bright smile overcame my face as I nodded in agreement. Finally, I wasn’t so alone. I had a friend. I didn’t realize how lonely it had been living in this city all by myself for so many months but hearing that one word brought it all to the forefront. I was suddenly overcome with gratitude for this kind man that had allowed me to find a small corner of home in his shop, who had allowed me to stay later than the normal business hours to finish my readings in peace and quiet, who would bring me tea if my eyes were getting heavy or if I looked like I had had a long day. He was truly one of the most astounding people I had ever met. He was so selfless and gracious. He was always in a chipper mood and seemed happy to see me. Knowing he considered me a friend sent a wave of relief crashing over me that I didn’t know I had been holding my breath for. Without warning a few tears found their way to my cheek. 

“Oh dear, Y/N, if I did something that hurt your feelings, I am truly sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you into dinner. We certainly don’t ha-“

“Aziraphale, I’m alright.” I cut him off. “I am just happy is all. It’s nice to have a friend. I’ve been feeling rather lonesome since coming to school here. I didn’t realize just how much until this moment. You didn’t do anything wrong, in fact, you seem to be the only thing that has gone right since I moved. Thank you.” I tried to pour all my gratitude into those last two words. After the apparently stressful day he’d had he deserved to hear them.

“My heavens,” he sighed, “I didn’t realize. Judging by your charm and intelligence, I would have bet you were extremely popular. I am honored to be your friend. Please know that if you’re ever feeling lonely you can visit any time. I mean that.”

I knew he meant it. I could tell deep down in my heart. The same way I could tell before that I could trust him.

“Thank you, Aziraphale. You are an angel.”

“I don’t know about that. Anyhow, let’s get you some dinner! I know I am feeling absolutely peckish.”

#good omens #good omens fanfiction #good omens crowley #good omens aziraphale #good omens x reader #crowley x reader #crowley #aziraphale x reader #aziraphale #good omens fic

[my-arlington-academia]

I'm super late and sorry for ruining the good mood after the awesome new sprites reveal! Note: some of this was written before the reveal and some after

(It turned out so long, longer than my school essays and I might've made some wording/formulation mistakes so sorry again.)

Hey so I kind of really have a deep hatred for drama but at the same time I want to talk about what ""happend"" recently because a big part of it seems a bit like BS to me.

(I'm on the SE developers' side btw so if I say something that might offend you I think it's best not to read)

Okay, basically there was some writing for the original chapter 7 "leaked" by a person who was on the team but left months ago and while it didn't seem like that big of a deal at first after hearing both sides of the story I have a bit of a clearer image. So what's written there is what chapter 7 was supposed to be like however it's clear now that the current chapter 7 will have nothing to do with this. Buuut there's a problem there, not going into the whole contract thing (yet) I'd like to say that it doesn't make sense from Cecile's side to call this JUST a fanfiction.

Normally it wouldn't be a problem but what's written there was at some point supposed to be canon, right? This writing is coming from someone who has an insider's perspective unlike us, "outsiders" who were never on the team and have no idea about how the plot is/was supposed to go. A fanfic is, may I quote, "fiction written by a fan of, and featuring characters from, a particular TV series, film, etc." Thus the whole contract thing doesn't matter in that statement since the person/people who wrote this aren't fans, they're people who were on the SE development team.

And so I read the thing (ngl, it was mainly because I was really curious and wanted to see what it was all about) and tbh I can understand Serena's annoyance towards it. I mean, it contains some info on the characters. Info we've never heard of before (and I'm not gonna talk about it just in case some people decided not to read it because I respect that) while most of those were just small glimpses into their personalities/hobbies/background and it didn't seem like there was anything plot heavy, or nothing that I've noticed is supposed to be important for later, it still doesn't change the fact that these informations are canon, right?

I suppose Serena must've read it at some point and approved the writing though that's just speculation on my part.

So long story short, what was posted isn't really a fanfic but more like the plot of an old chapter that got either delayed to a later chapter or like... completed deleted since they left the team and the layout of the chapter is now out to the public so I highly doubt Serena is gonna post something similar to this, or at least if she's still planning on making a Halloween chapter then maybe she'll change how the story was supposed to play out?

Tbh I feel like it would've been smarter to ask first if they can publish the copy of the chapter instead of making a big ruckus out of it. This could've been easily avoided but then again I don't know if they left the team on good terms, not that this part is any of my business though.

Anyway, so then we have the whole "she didn't give us a contract to sign" argument which is... uh, I mean, what did you expect?

SE development started back in 2015 correct? So it's been around 4 years and we're only on chapter 6. Why? Because making the game isn't their full time job and they made that clear multiple times in the past. Besides, correct me if I'm wrong, but 4 years ago wasn't Serena like in her late teens/early twenties or something? I know it might seem cheap to pull out the legendary "she was young" argument but tbh I'm in high school and never have I imagined or taken seriously the thought of making an indie game. If like, next month I decided to do it and found some people who are down for making some assets for the game then a legal contract would literally be the last thing I would think about.

Besides it's not like Serena has ever been secretive about the things she thought were necessary to tell the fandom, or at least I don't get the feeling that she has. Do y'all really imagine her being like "muhahaha! I'm not gonna make a contract with them so I can freely use their work!" ???

The thing with a contract is that it's not only good for the employees but also for the employer if the workers ever do something that they weren't supposed to (like now). And she's not planning on taking "legal" action anyway because like she said, nothing good will come out of it and she technically doesn't have a "right" to do so.

And let's just be realistic here for a second, okay? Like do you guys really think that they're earning a whole lot thanks to sweet elite? There's barely 18k accounts on the site and I'm pretty sure that most of those are doubles or triples in order to go through different routes. Also, we don't know how much of those accounts belong to active players on the game. There's many people out there who play like the first 2 chapters and never touch the game again because they'd rather watch a let's play or they dropped the game. And amongst the people who do play sweet elite regularly (as in, they log in everyday and play the new chapter when it's out) how many people is there who have ever paid for energy? The thing is that the game is still in it's early stages, there's not many chapters yet so it's easy to catch up quickly and tbh their energy system is pretty generous. You receive 5 points per day but you can also use coins to exchange them for energy (which is what most people do in order to catch up).

So point is, I'm pretty sure they don't gain a lot of money out of it and almost all of the work they do, they do it for free in their free time because they like making the game.

So I dunno, it might be pretty shitty of me and naive to think about it in this way but tbh I feel like it was kind of obnoxious of them to just, y'know. Leave because "there's no contract and we're not making any money out of this" then come back months later to post something that we weren't supposed to see and complain about the fact that their writing and sprites are getting used in chapter 6. Like?? I think it's quite clear that the team is planning on replacing all of the sprites and as for the writing what do you expect them to do? Go through every single chapter again and add words to each sentence, replace some words with synonyms and reformulate everything so it can't be considered your writing anymore? That's kinda dumb and a waste of time.

Could've they replaced all the old illustrations first and then posted the episode? Yes but how much time would it have taken? They'd have to make the new artists overwork and they don't have a way to pay them much all at once. Sweet Elite will be around 50 chapters and it's an episodic type of game in which assets get replaced and added as time goes on because if they did everything in one go then there would be almost no time to update the story.

I can't even pretend to understand because quite frankly I'm not an artist, but I CAN at least understand the feeling of wanting to be reconized for the things I do and for the work I put into things. Who wouldn't?

Plus, to be fair I don't think that there's any shame in wanting to be paid for a job but is making Sweet Elite a job? Not completely. Not yet at least. Right now it's more of a part time job/hobby and it's totally okay to quit when you don't feel like working on it anymore. However if the money and the compensation aspect of making it was so important then wouldn't it have been better to say "Sorry, but I refuse to work on this until I sign a contract" right off the bat rather than feeling like you're not appreciated enough and complain about it months later like a really salty potato chip?

Not making a contract, while being a mistake on Serena's part, she never tried to pretend it wasn't. In fact she affirms that she has made many errors and again, like I said earlier a contract is beneficial to both the employees AND the employer so had she been more careful it wouldn't have played out this way. We don't even know the circumstances and her point of view of that whole contract thing, maybe she just thought that it would be better to not make one in order to keep the workers free to leave in any given moment because she knew that she wouldn't be able to pay them enough?

I saw some people in the tags being like "look guys, this is why I don't support sweet elite anymore and why you shouldn't too!" Which is tbh a pretty simple minded way of looking at it. I guess we, as the pitiful hoomans we are, we're more inclined on taking the side of the "weakest" group which means the people who left the team because there was apparently some ""injustice"" but the more I look into it and the more it seems like it was a big misunderstanding.

Dulcet games is so new do you expect to get paid hundreds/thousands for an indie game with a small following in which even the "boss" isn't getting any/much money out of it? Oh, and there's also some being super vocal about leaving because "Cecile's art was the only thing keeping me from leaving" which... lmao. Take it in a humorous tone please but It's like a customer in Walmart saying that they won't come back again because the fancy red t-shirts from the clothing section are gone. Idk man. You can say whatever you want about the team behind SE but I still stand by the belief that it's a great game with good writing and progressive characters. And all the things Serena did so far seem like pretty logical courses of action especially in this situation or am I wrong? Is Serena secretly evil guys? Were we fooled all along.,.,,..,

(Sorry this post started out so serious and ended so stupid, I'm just unable of writing about really seriousssss topics. Serious with 5 Ss because it's so seriousssss. Also did you notice that this whole thing is obvious and dumb if you think about it for longer than 1 minute? The moment someone says they don't get paid for something everyone flips over but the true question is, did they have the means of paying you at that time? Everybody is so quick to jump on Serena's throat without thinking and it's kinda sad. We're so superficial, like if money is mentionned ONCE in a drama suddenly everyone ascends to their most sensitive state of bitterness. As far as we know Serena never forced anyone to stay on the team and it's no secret that she doesn't get much money ESPECIALLY for an indie game company. It doesn't seem like they didn't want to pay them but more like they couldn't afford to at that time and everything wasn't set up in place yet.)

#sweet elite #se #soooo loonnng #I'm pretty sure many will skip this because it's super long and useless drama #and actually you're right #please skip this if you don't care about the quote unquote drama #if you did read this though could you feel the sheer amount of pent up anger in this? #I tend to back away from conflict but this one is important to me #like why y'all always trying to take every single good thing down for one mistake? #so people aren't allowed to be human now? #I'm really opinionated about this so I'm kind of surprised at myself rn #because usually I'm a wuss like #confrontation?!?! #standing up for my beliefs?! #too stressful #too hard

[flowerpowell]

Meet-Cute (Drake x MC)

PART FOUR

Part four is here, and to be honest, I’m quite happy with it! I like how it turned out even though I sort of ended the slow burn we all love 😂 Anyway, I hope you’ll all like it too! Feedback is always very appreciated!

All rights go to Pixelberry, I don’t own the characters.

Rating: PG-18 (slight ns*w by the end)

Word count: 1769

When Friday came, Riley was ready to drop out and come back to the States. The thought of another class with Drake gave her anxiety and she was considering not going.

But then again, what was the point? She’d only fall behind and had to catch up on the material.

Tired and annoyed, Riley made it into the classroom only to be greeted with Amanda flirting with Drake.

Good luck with that. This man can’t flirt for life.

She sat down next to Luke who was coldly staring at the teacher and Amanda talking.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked studying his face. He looked weird, very focused and very angry.

“I hate the guy,” he nodded towards Drake, “he hates me and you for whatever reason but flirts with Amanda like there’s no tomorrow. He just want to get some, stupid jerk.”

“What, him? Please, he can’t flirt!” Riley said shaking her head. If he could he would flirt with her when he had the chance two years ago, right?

“And how do you know that?”

“Body language. Look into his eyes, he’s uncomfortable.”

“Man, you’re really good at this. You’re gonna make a great psychoanalyst!” Luke smiled at her and she blushed. This was her main goal, she loved analyzing people.

“Okay people, sit down,” Drake’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

Here we go again.

“What does have North and South have in common with the topic of our last class? Maybe...Amanda? I’m sure you’ll know,” Drake smiled warmly at Amanda and Riley’s eyes widened.

What? What does he think he’s doing?

“It’s set during Industrial Revolution and it shows the effects it had on people,” Amanda replied, smiling at the teacher as well and Riley felt the sudden urge to scratch her eyes out.

For no reason.

“Very good, Amanda! Today we will focus on relations between North and South, between the people from these two worlds.”

“It’s a little bit like us,” Amanda started, “we are from two different world but share the same passion for history.”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

“Umm, kind of,” Drake was clearly a little bit disconcerted by the remark but tried to keep a straight face.

“Anyway, can some point out the differences between the main characters, Margaret Hale and John Thorton?”

“Their attitude to work, to money. John is prejudiced and doesn’t like or trust people. Margaret trusts people and wants to help them,” Luke noticed and Drake made a wry face.

“Mhm, it’s a correct answer but I didn’t ask you. As you read, Margaret was from the South, which was a rural region whereas John was from the industrial North. Mr. Thorton worked very hard on what he had but Margaret didn’t understand it and misjudged him. I think it’s safe to say it was Margaret who was prejudiced.” Drake explained.

“Are you trying to make Margaret a bad character? Cause she’s not! She helped many people!” Riley interrupted, already tired with Drake’s prejudice against Luke.

“She helped many people but she made a lot of mess along the way. She definitely wasn’t the best for Mr. Thorton.” Drake answered calmly.

“She tried her best!”

“...and failed? Every single of her actions hurt John.”

“She never hurt him!

“What about that time when Margaret left, which means she left Mr. Throton as well. Was it a good decision?”

“Yes.”

“Oh really?” Drake asked mockingly, “How so? Cause she wanted to torture Thorton?”

“She had nothing left!”

“She had him!” Drake exclaimed and Riley realized he was talking more about their situation from two years ago, not so much about the book.

“This place was ruining her!” she argued.

“So it’s better to leave like this and ruin him, huh?”

“She left him a message!” Riley remembered the events from two years ago and didn’t want Drake to play the victim. Since he was referring to their situation, she decided to do so too.

“A message! After she left!”

“And what exactly did he do to make her stay, huh? Why didn’t he fight?”

“Umm...but..” Amanda started but everyone ignored her.

“How could he know she wanted to leave?”

“Well, maybe he should’ve acted as if he cared more!”

“Care? He didn’t care? It was her who didn’t care!”

“She literally said she loved him in the letter! And he?”

“I can’t seem to find that in the book...” Amanda murmured frantically flipping through the pages.

“What did he do? What did he do? I’ll tell you what he did! When she was busy writing this fucking letter, he was telling his best friend that he was in love with his woman. He had an argument with his best friend over a woman he loved. He came to her fucking room to tell her he loved her but all he found was this fucking letter and she was gone. That’s what he did!”

Riley froze as everyone remained silent. She felt her classmates’ eyes on her but she didn’t care.

Did he just say he loved me? Did he just...does he love me? Did he talk to Liam...Did he...

“Excuse me, can someone show me the exact passage we’re talking about now? I swear I read it last night and I can’t find it now...” Amanda raised her hand but no one answered her.

Riley felt like she couldn’t breathe. He loved her. If she hadn’t left that night they could be together now. Did he still love her?

“I...excuse me,” Riley took her bag and quickly stormed out of the classroom.

“Shit,” Drake cursed as he took his own bag.

“Class dismissed, write an essay on why communication is crucial based on Margaret and John. Have a nice weekend,” he said as he ran out of the room as well.

“Riley!” he cried out seeing her on campus, walking towards her dorm.

“Riley wait, Riley!” he yelled causing Riley to stop and turn back.

Before he could say anything else, Riley closed the distance between them and kissed him so hard that Drake was taken aback for a while. Only for a while. He returned the kiss with even more passion, pouring all his emotions, relief that she was fine, pain that she left, anger that she played with him, into the kiss.

They were in the middle of the campus, kissing like crazy, like their lives depended on it. It felt like hours before they parted, both breathless with wild looks in their eyes. They had waited enough.

“Your place or mine?” Drake rasped still holding her close as if afraid she could disappear.

“Yours, I have a roommate,” she panted and without giving her any time to catch her breath, he took her hand and led her to his apartment

~~~~

He didn’t even lock the door in his apartmenet before he threw Riley on his bed, eager to finally do all the things he dreamed of doing for almost three years. Waiting would be damned. It was already too long.

He was kissing her neck trying to take off her dress while she was removing his clothes. It didn’t take long before all their clothes lay scattered all over Drake’s bedroom.

No talking, just indulging their deepest desires, showing all the unspoken emotions in the most intimate way they knew. Making up for the lost time and silently promising to never part again. Exploring, or rather discovering their bodies for the first time, their moans and cries filling up the apartment. Reaching a peak together, once, twice, and then doing it again, and again, till they dozed off, content in each others arms.

~~~~

Riley woke up and found Drake already looking at her.

“Hey, creep. Momma didn’t teach you not to stare at sleeping people?”

Drake chuckled, “I wasn’t staring. I was admiring how beautiful you looked.”

“That’s still creepy,” she gave him a wide smile, which faded quickly.

“We should talk,” she said and Drake nodded. “I guess we should.”

“I didn’t know you talked to Liam. I had no idea you had any intention to...But you must understand, I never left to make you feel bad, I just...There was so much drama, you were very distant and I had to literally push you onto me, you never initiated any kiss and I started thinking you didn’t want me,” Riley shook her head not letting Drake interrupt her. “People thought I was the King’s mistress who cheated on him with Tariq, Madeleine hated me, Liam had zero time for me and I felt overwhelmed with everything. It was not my life, you know? Not the life I wanted. So I left the notes and decided to start living on my terms. I went back to the States, changed my name so the Tariq scandal wouldn’t follow me everywhere and went to uni. And here I am. It was never about hurting you.”

Drake listened silently and gripped her hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should’ve known it was hard on you too. I was so distant cause I didn’t want to betray Liam. That night I went there and talked to him because I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore. And imagine my surprise when I saw you were gone. And nowhere to be found. But anyway, I’m sorry. I should’ve acted like a jerk when I saw you again.”

“I guess we should’ve had this conversation when we met again, that would save a whole lot of trouble!” Riley laughed before twisting her face in a serious expression.

“I still don’t know why you’re here, Drake. Or rather, Mr. Stagger? Why did you change your name? To start over too?”

“Mhm, kinda.”

“Drake, why did you change your name? I told you my story, tell me yours!” Riley looked at him expectantly but he was avoiding her gaze.

“It’s not that important, we can talk about it later,” he got up and started looking for his clothes.

“Drake! I thought we were talking, I thought we were being honest. Why are you making it a secret? Why did you change your name, is it so hard to answer?”

Drake sighed and turned to face her. He took a few deep breaths before locking his eyes with hers and replying. 

“Because they all think I killed Liam.”

Tagging: @littlegreenmoo @agent-bossypants @flowerpowell @mysteli @gardeningourmet @annekebbphotography @mymandrake @butindeed @walkerduchess @brightpinkpeppercorn  @choicessa @violinist3121 @jlouise88 @innerpostmentality @tmarie82 @blackcatkita @darley1101 @littleeeepeach  @ooo-barff-ooo @sleepwalkingelite @traeumerinwitzhelden @jovialyouthmusic @nikkis1983 @notoriouscs @melodyofgraves @zaffrenotes @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @rhymesmenagerie @emichelle @drakesroyalromance @drakewalkerisreal @mrsnazariowrites @furiousherringoperatortoad @lynne1993  @drakesensworld @iplaydrake @thequeenofcronuts @confessionsofabrokegirl @xxcaptainchrispowellxx ♥

#trr #the royal romance #drake walker #drake x mc #choices #choices fanfiction #playchoices fanfiction #choices stories you play #the royal romance fanfiction #im kinda proud so pls dont let it die lmao #worked hard on this one #and might be my fave #scheduled post