#anyway is this poetry or is this choppy prose I'm never sure since I don't make it rhyme

[muggle-writes]

well I never heard back that #jewishjanuary must be fandom content

I tried to come up with headcanons for jewish characters based on the word strength

but my brain instead fixated on the idea of “jewish” and “strength” together and I wrote a Thing about some important women in my life

(may or may not be poetry. What the hell is a title. Below the cut because it’s long)

there are people I admire the women around me my mother my grandmother this coworker . where does their strength come from? their persistence in the face of injustice their commitment to tzedakah in deed if not in word?

. I cannot help but compare myself why am I so lacking? . look at this one working nearly fifty years as an engineer starting when women were often pressured out of engineering listen to her telling our creepy coworker that his uncomfortable jokes aren't funny watch me slip away silently, determined not to give him any more of my free time watch me eat lunch with most of the team the next day he is there, as usual she is not as usual listen to her telling everyone "happy new year" in September despite how none of us respond not even me . when does she eat lunch? is she lonely? I wish I could join her ask about her experiences as a woman in engineering as a jewish woman in engineering as a jewish woman at all in another life, perhaps I would have been any of those things perhaps all of them before I find a chance to ask even about lunch my internship is over I will never see her again . watch me now biting my tongue the eighth time I am cut off in a meeting in which I am one of two experts biting my tongue again later that day when I am praised for learning not to speak over people "I saw you holding back today" i had not yet been told it was a problem they believe I am a woman I do not correct them she would not have let them trample her like this . listen to that one repeating over and over to a cashier we will never see again the correct pronouns for my wife usually my wife and I just move on as quickly as possible in case this is the one ignorant transphobe that turns out to actually be a murderous transphobe but there is strength in numbers he finally calls her ma'am and we finally leave my wife admits she appreciated having someone to fight for her I cannot even fight for my own pronouns even among friends when it is just the two of us we resume never correcting anyone leaving instead of telling them they were wrong . And look at the other kindly but firmly informing someone they got our order wrong watch me scrape mustard off my burger rather than initiate confrontation listen to me insist it's okay it is really I’m eating it, see? . what makes them similar? is it that they are all women? I was raised to be a woman am I just weak? or was I taught that women could be strong in this way and it didn't stick because I am not a woman? . perhaps it is generational perhaps the similarities are coincidence and my grandmother taught my mother her strength and my mother tried to teach me and I have failed to learn why am I so weak? . is it that they are all Jewish? except one is not anymore but she was raised jewish and I was not i would like to be jewish my aunt says I already am my grandmother says I can be (christian) society says that religion is defined by belief I'm not sure I believe in anything . perhaps their strength has something to do with being raised jewish I was not learning young that you will not be heard unless you shout over the only voice society wants to hear that your voice has value to others like you I was raised christian through no fault of my own . I learned to trample others' boundaries in the name of religion in the name of helping the very people I was disrespecting I learned the hard way that my opinions were not welcome that presenting them so forcefully was rude I grew out of christianity I did not grow out of keeping everything to myself to be polite I try to never be rude . But look now at my rabbi listen to her introduce herself with her pronouns every time she stands on the bima to talk to teach listen to her call me 'they' without hesitation hear her offer me an adult b'nei mitzvah before I am confident enough to ask watch her navigate conflict with a confident diplomacy not as a scolding teacher (a call from the principal) but as a partner in finding peace the way I aim to do the same I say I prefer to avoid conflict but perhaps there is strength in seeking peace . my rabbi says I may honestly consider myself jewish given my ancestry given my effort to reconnect with my family's traditions but I also may honestly consider myself not jewish if I find that to be more true that I know myself best and that if I am not trying to lie about whether or not I am Jewish then I am not lying no matter what I say I can't decide which is more true to me my participation in jewish community now? or the lack of formal learning and ceremony . my grandmother never had a bat mitzvah either in her generation girls didn't get the ceremony . Look at all these women around me these admirable Jewish women each with their own strengths I have so many role models to choose from . one thing is certain I aim to be like them: a Strong Jewish ...Non-man

#jewishjanuary2020 #strength #am writing #jewish feels #poetry #(probably) #autobiographical #a bit scrubbed of detail but mainly because I didn't mention where my coworker (and I) worked yes you would have heard of it #and that's a bit too recognizable for my tastes #this started on the idea of strength and took a years-old identity crisis and brought in a relatively recent resolution #muggle writes #muggle's writing #i forget which tag I use more #muggle originals #anyway obviously there are more important jewish women in my life #but I couldn't describe them all #these are some highlights of people who influenced me #I don't think my coworker I describe here even remembers me at this point #besides vaguely as ''an intern'' if at all #anyway is this poetry or is this choppy prose I'm never sure since I don't make it rhyme #is it poetry because the structure is important to me and specifically that it's not in long blocky paragraphs? #idk #I am the fulfillment of the mother's curse (''may you have a child... just like yourself'') - we both abandoned our mothers' religions #for one essentially incompatible with it #idk I have a lot of feels about that too #listen is anything more jewish than wrestling with the ''am i jewish'' question? #(yes and it's matzoh ball soup)