#anyway niya avoids xiangling because they think shes scared of them arc

[devolusion-a]

@wanmins​ : “  i don’t wanna talk about it. i don’t. i just want to forget.  ” / either hu tao or niya dealers choice

Niya experiences emotions as something physical these days; grief is rare, but she feels it now, and it feels liker her ribs trying to get out of her skin.  Like they can’t stand to be near her guts a second longer.  Niya sympathizes with the instinct.  She can’t stand to be near herself a second longer, either, but — as always — she’s stuck in this body that doesn’t feel like a body.  A room with no doors, walls crawling, screaming.  She can’t leave.

Niya’s not unduly prone to self - hatred, the anti - villain that she is.  Or created.  the truth is, there’s no niya at all, so who’s even feeling?  There’s no sick blame for the atrocities she’d committed with a different name and title, understanding that while regret is earned, shame is not — they made her into that, after all.  There’s not even blame for her sister, who she loved, who she failed, because there was nothing she could have done.  Monsters don’t feel guilt, and Niya is a monster even if they weren’t always.

Monsters don’t feel guilt, but the grief feels the same, bones trying to escape, throat clogged with shards and blood.  Niya swallows thickly.

That’s the least the kid deserves, isn’t it?  Forgetting.  Forgetting how her voice sounds overlaid with too many others, echoing, giggling, aren’t you having fun?  She hadn’t been.  It’s not fun to forget both of her names,  or to feel like if she dares to stop laughing she’ll start heaving.  It’s not fun to be that, to be that broken.  But all Xiangling saw with a giggling monster with bright bright eyes, breaking and enjoying it.

She’s just a little girl.  Barely older than Niya was when they joined the Fatui.  Barely younger than they were when the Vision came and the Fatui started crafting them into a monster.  It was wrong, what they did to Niya.  And Niya took that wrongness, that pain, and inflicted it on Xiangling.

Even if it was to save her.  There hadn’t been another choice.  But that doesn’t help the grief / the way their bones don’t fit / the way they don’t deserve to.  Took their pain, and transposed it.  Of course Xiangling doesn’t want to talk about it.  Of course Xiangling just wants to forget the blood and the snapping neck and the desperate laughter.  Niya wants to forget it, too.

Niya’s selfish, and they love Xiangling, and they want to keep her.  But they nod, lips thin, expression flat.  Her hands move behind her back so Xiangling won’t have to see them flex, won’t have to see the claws.  Is Xiangling afraid of them?  She must be.  She must be.

“Okay, ditya.”

They’re good at disappearing and good at being hated.  They’re good at shedding relationships, even the rare ones that matter.  Her bones shift, head following suit as it tilts.  They promised her dads they’d be a bouncer next time they had an event; they’ll have to let them know that won’t be happening.  Niya won’t subject Xiangling to what frightens her any longer.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, and for bringing it up.  I’ll let you get back to work.”

#✦ * — answered. #✦ * niya — main verse. #wanmins #✦ * your strength within shows me hope in this graceless world. — niya & xiangling / wanmins. #:) #i lost this reply like 3 times and had 2 redo it each time. but thats okay cos we got there eventually #depersonalization ment / #violence ment / #ask to tag / #anyway niya avoids xiangling because they think shes scared of them arc