#anyway sorry for being depressing on the dash again

[arthur-r]

anyway i’m going to try again at sleeping but i’m angry and i think that’s fair!!!! and i’m upset that my frustration about not having answers or anyone listening to me, is supposed to prove that it’s all emotional and in my head. like trust me i know how it feels to have symptoms caused by brain. and i know how it feels to have symptoms caused by physical activity. hint: if it stops when i sit down, it’s not a panic attack. i fucking know myself and i’m tired of people acting like i’m an emotional crybaby for wanting my physical issues to be acknowledged. i work through this everyday and get told that i’m lazy or i have a mental block. and i’m tired of being misrepresented and misunderstood.

#i’m gonna go to bed but i’m so fucking angry and that doesn’t mean i’m irrational it means i’ve been at this too long #maybe i would seem more tragic and innocent if they figured it out when i was five years old. but it becomes a lot after a while #hopeful about the clinic i found in the cities. nervous about parental endorsement of location and content #but we’ll see what happens. idk. i’m just so tired #hahaha i have a song about that dont i #when everything i say is up for criticism faux concern and calling me ungrateful for my life that’s filled with sleepless nights #when everything i do is filled with apathy or empathy or too much feeling not enough i’m tired cannot sleep #i dont know what is wrong with me but i know that i cannot sleep i’d rather never ever have been born but if i’m here i want to sleep #so anyway obviously i’m depressed. and anxious. and whatever the hell else #but a lot of it hinges on the fucking torture that is my everyday physical existence #my goal is no longer to be dead. my goal is just to be understood and accommodated #just want a fucking elevator pass. and maybe a cane. make it hurt less to live my life #so anyway just. idk. goodnight. sorry for being angry and whatever. it’s just a lot #and i want to be listened to by someone and it’s stupid to throw my stuff at the only people who ALREADY are on my side #but i’m not about to scream at my dad because that doesn’t end well. so here i am. #hope everyone is doing well. sorry for negativity on dash. i’ll tag this one cause i have room #vent cw #suicide mention #medical cw #hope this covers it. ask to tag. hope you all are well i’m trying again for goodnight

[babiebom]

When You Fall (VIII)

A/N: i got the sweetest message from someone(idk if they’d want me to call them out) and somehow it made me want to start on this chapter so I guess it literally just takes someone being nice for me to actually do something lmao. Also happy new year!! Also also whenever I’m writing one of these chapters and the tumblr notif shows up it jumpscares me. Like how do y’all know?

Tw: depression, reader decides to force themself to be happy, cursing. The usual

Wc:3.0k

Previous Next Masterlist

Sweat dripped from your forehead as you attempted to clear some of the farm from debris. It was taking long to clear everything, and though you knew that most of the land would be unused until you actually got enough money to plant more things and get a coop or barn.

Shadow ran around wildly, barking happily as she snapped her teeth at the air. It’s funny, watching her as she runs. Getting pets didn’t make being in a depressive pit completely go away, but they did make that pit less dark, less daunting and lonely. Mango lazed around on the porch, his tail slowly waving side to side as he watched you.

Sticking your rake into the ground and wiping the sweat again, you grin at your animals, letting out a labored breath. “Okay, so, I love you both very very much. And I’m sorry that I can’t take you but they’re hosting an Egg Festival in the town and I’m going.”

You move to sit on the porch, Shadow dashing to crash onto your lap. You open your arms and let her move her big body onto you with a roll. “And I swear I’m not going to enjoy being away from you both, but I have to go as part of my healing. I’ll be back soon.” Neither one of them did anything other than stare at you and then go about their own business as you get up and head inside to shower. Shadow trails behind you after a moment, her tail wagging so hard her butt wiggles along with it. You take one last glance at her as you finally get in the shower, hoping the day goes by quickly.

Walking into the town’s square, it’s like a decorating bomb went off. There are banners and decorative flags and other things littered around in a way that made you think whoever decorated spent way too long out here only for them to be messed up by the wind. There’s so many layers of tape that you feel irritated for whoever had to fix it.

“Farmer!” Pierre calls out from behind his booth. You want to ignore him, not really ready for social interaction but go over to him anyways. Forcing a smile onto your lips you lean on the booth counter, looking at the things he has stocked.

Some strawberry seeds, lawn flamingos, plants, a painting, a bright pink banner, a plush bunny, and a….decorative pitchfork? What kind of stock is this? What does this have to do with the egg festival? You blink a couple times and attempt to control the look on your face, maybe you could buy a couple of strawberry seeds. Even if you don’t plant them this season you can always wait. “Hey Pierre! Selling some good stuff?”

He smiles and moves his hand around, gesturing to his stock. “Yeah, looking to buy anything?”

“Sure…a couple strawberry seed packets…and that plush bunny.”

“It’s pretty cute huh? Okay that’ll be 2,500g.”

Your breath gets caught in your throat. 2,500g? The man has to be insane! What the fuck costed so much that you were being charged this much? “Yeah, prices are a little steep. But I have to make a living somehow,” he chuckles when he sees your expression. You try hard to keep your face in check, not wanting to snap on the man in front of everyone. You were here to make progress, not to make enemies.

After giving him the money you take your new things and stuff them into your backpack. The letter said the festival ended at two, and looking at your watch it was only 9:30. That meant 4 and a half more hours of agony trying to force yourself out of a depressive pit that you aren’t really all too sure you’re ready to leave just yet for the sake of getting better.

Well, at least there’s food…

Hurrying along, the sight of the buffet table makes your mouth water. Not eating breakfast and working all morning in a large field without totally knowing what to do is a bad idea, but now that you’re looking at all the different types of food you can’t help but praise yourself for how lucky starving yourself got you. Now you can eat, then when you get home you can pass out and sleep until tomorrow. Like another rest day that feels like a reward after running around in the dirt.

As you fill your plate with food, you can see Gus and what’s his name…’Clive?’ You think to yourself, nose scrunching in confusion, ‘No, that's a stupid name. Carl? It has to be Carl…what other C names are there?’ In your thoughts you almost drop your plate and gain the attention of the two men, Gus smiles brightly and waves you over while the other man averts his eyes. Weird…

“Hey Gus!” You smile warmly at the older man. There was a twinge of stress in his eye, but it seemed rude to point that out to him. His eyes moved over the rows and rows of food and it occurs to you that he must have cooked almost everything himself being the Towns Saloon owner and all.

“Hey farmer! I was just telling Clint here…you’ve met Clint right?”

You shake your head at his question. You had only seen him around maybe once and heard his name in passing from the blue haired girl who was talking to him when you passed by and from Maru when you were in the clinic. Thank Yoba Gus said his name or you would’ve been stood awkwardly just like you are but more so because you wouldn’t have known his name. “Oh well, he’s the towns blacksmith…anyways I was just telling him how I hope everyone’s enjoying the food. I’ve been cooking for days to get the food ready.”

“Days? Wow thats a lot of work…”

“Yeah I made fried eggs, boiled eggs, poached eggs, deviled eggs, scrambled eggs, chocolate eggs, you name it!”

“I mean it is the Egg Festival…”

“Yeah, not to mention the other foods. I’d be upset if it turned out horribly.”

You take a bite of whatever was on your plate in front of him, trying to make a show of how good it is, but not really needing to act because WOW can this man cook. How’d he even make this? His eyes light up at your expressions and mannerisms, his shoulders relaxing at the sight of you enjoying the food. “No Gus, I swear this is amazing! You don’t need to worry about anyone not enjoying the food at all!”

“Thank you for the kind words, Farmer, it means a lot to me.”

You nod vigorously, not wanting to ignore him but now overcome with the urge to stuff down as much of the food as you can. What the fuck was in this? Drugs? You can’t even remember the last time you were this hungry.

With your plate you walk around, smiling at anyone who talks to you, and try to carry on conversations that you didn’t really care much about. It had been weeks since you moved here, and you were just now meeting everyone personally. There were so many people living here in Pelican Town that you wonder how you had managed to avoid 60 percent of them whenever you ventured out.

As you make your rounds to the buffet table for the second time, the sight of a bright red cape catches your eye and the man with the eyepatch flashes in your mind. You hadn’t seen him since that day, but you had to find out what those stupid jelly things are.

“Marlon!” You call out, rushing to the man in the corner. He looked surprised that you were speaking to him, but made no moves to walk away or ignore you. Instead he looked slightly pleased. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

His eyebrows quirk up in amusement, “I could say the same about you, don’t hear anything about you going around.”

You shrug and realize that just as much as you stick to your farm, he must stick to the caves and mountains. Neither bad, but awfully lonely when you think about it. You wonder if there’s anyone he lives with up there. “I just thought that you would prefer to be adventuring or something…like in the caves?”

“Yeah, but even with my bad leg I never miss a festival.”

“Oh…say you know down in the caves how there are…things right?”

“Yeah the monsters?”

“Yeah um, have you ever seen the little Jello creatures? They’re really tiny and all but are like really strong for some reason, and jump at you like they’re legless spiders?”

“The slimes? Yeah you have to be careful with them. They might be easy to defeat but can quickly overwhelm you if you’re not careful.”

He frowns at you and you swallow. That’s exactly what had happened. The stupid things were just too much the more you ventured down. But you’d be ready for them next time, and whatever else is down there. “Yeah, they kinda kicked my ass last time I went into the caves.”

He nods solemnly, as if he could relate. Maybe he could relate, having a bad leg and an injured eye and living up there. There had probably been times that he’s gotten overwhelmed and hurt. The thought sends a shiver down your spine. If he could get hurt down there, and you have already been hurt, who’s to say that you won’t just die the next time you go down? It’s weird to think just how lucky you truly were when you were saved.

Thinking of being saved…your eyes flit around quickly trying to spot the man that had saved your life. Maru and Sam had said that Sebastian had gone down into the caves himself to save you, and even though you hadn’t seen him personally since meeting in the Saloon, the need to thank him was always in the back of your mind. And now you have the chance, Yoba you wished you were home.

You bid goodbye to Marlon and shuffled your way to the trio standing off at the bottom of the town’s square. Rehearsing what you’re going to say in your head, you hope that it would be a quick conversation, that you wouldn’t stutter over your words and that you wouldn’t act so awkward that they think you’re weirder than you are. But as you clear your throat as you walk up to them, regret settles in your belly at the looks on their faces. It was like being in school all over again and the kids that you thought were cool were too tight knit as a group and hated outsiders.

Before you could say anything Abigail speaks first, staring straight at you. “Do you think I’m too old to do the Egg Hunt?”

You frown at her in confusion before shaking your head. “No?”

She punches Sebastian’s arm as soon as the word leaves your mouth. “Ha! I told you I wasn’t too old. It’s like, why stop if I’m having fun?”

“How are you having fun searching for eggs with actual children?”

“Hey! Searching for eggs is like going on a treasure hunt! Besides, your sister does it too!”

Sebastian rolls his eyes at her, looking towards the river without saying anything more, choosing to sip on the punch in his cup. Sam looks like he’s suffering and you tilt your head, silently questioning him. “Ugh…it’s my doze…allergies.” His nose is so stuffed up that his words seem heavy. You wince at him and nod in understanding, Springtime wasn’t the best for people with allergies.

Sebastian clears his throat after a minute. “You know what I miss? The rotten egg toss.”

Both Sam and Abigail agree quickly, words coming out both of their mouths too quickly for you to really understand anything they’re saying. They’re very enthusiastic about it, recounting things that happened in previous years. In your confusion you look over at Sebastian, and he swallows his drink quickly. “We used to do a rotten egg toss, a couple years ago. It was only for like two years, Mayor Lewis put an end to it pretty quickly.”

“Yeah, too many people complained that it stunk.” Abigail laughed. It sounded pretty fun, tossing rotten eggs at a target or something, but the smell…ugh.

Before you could say anything else, Sam says he’s going to get more food before the egg hunt starts and they put everything away. Abigail looks between you and Sebastian and smiles. “I’ll go with him, either of you want anything?”

You shake your head, plate still full from the second round. “Maybe some punch? If it’s not too much trouble?” She shrugs and looks at Sebastian who just hands her his cup. She leaves without another word and without turning back. Ha…now it’s awkward…

“I didn’t think you were one for socializing.”

You’re surprised at his words, but think that in a small town there are rarely secrets. Everyone must know that you’re suffering. “Yeah um, just had a bad couple of weeks. I’m better now, though, ready to mingle and become part of the town…being alone is no good.”

He snorts, glancing at you and your heart stutters in your chest. Did he think you were joking? Were you that obvious in your dislike of talking to others? “Yeah sure…been there once.”

You don’t ask him what he means, understanding that he’s seeing right through your fake chipper exterior. For a minute the silence stretches on, but it’s not as tense and awkward as it was before. Maybe it was a good thing he could tell you were faking, there was no need now that it was only you two. “Y’know I’ve been meaning to thank you.”

“For?” He sounds disinterested, but when you look at his face he seems more…uncomfortable.

“You saving me? Your friends told me you went down into the caves to get me.”

“Fucking…yeah. It was no problem. You should be more careful, though, I was only able to help because I noticed that you didn’t come up.”

“Yeah…I really should…anyways. Thanks for saving me, hopefully you won’t have to do it again.”

He shrugs and says nothing.

“I owe you one.”

“Sure.”

The mayor claps his hands loudly, speaking into a megaphone that he’s holding. “If anyone is participating in the egg hunt, gather round. It’s almost time to begin!”

“You participating?” He asks, and for a second you almost say no before remembering that the whole point of coming was to become part of the community and bettering yourself.

“Yeah…you?”

“Nah…”

You nod and cough into your fist, unsure of how to separate yourself from him. “Well, I guess I’ll see you…later?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m either at home, or at Sam’s or the Saloon during the weekends��”

“Okay, cool.”

You walk away quickly, confused as to how you had somewhat made a friend of him? There was that saying that misery loves company…maybe he was the perfect person to be miserable with. He seemed like he had problems himself. Mayor Lewis claps a hand onto your shoulder a little harder than necessary, causing you to wince. “Enjoying yourself, Farmer?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s good! It’s about time you introduced yourself to the townspeople. Everyone was so excited to meet the new farmer in town and you just…disappeared. They thought you were a recluse or something!” He lets out a laugh that makes you frown. You had forgotten how much this guy could talk.

“Yeah well, family deaths will do that to you.” You keep your face straight as you stare at him. He coughs and sputters out some words before the conversation is effectively ended.

After another minute and a half the egg hunt begins and your heart starts thumping in your chest. The kids are already running off, and Abigail is darting around so quickly that you think that she’s going to knock one of them over. Looking at the other participants, the urge to beat them overcomes you. Winning at this means that you’re officially part of the community right? You’re putting yourself out there?

Your feet move without another thought from you and soon enough your basket is full with eggs. Looking at the others it seems theirs are too. You can hear Lewis counting down from ten and your heart races even more. How were you supposed to win this? You run across the square, hoping to get one last egg.

Five…

Where are the rest of the eggs? What the fuck is there no more?

Four…

In the corner of your eye something yellow gleams under the sun. An egg! Near the river!

Three…

You dash towards the egg, hand stretched out towards it.

Two…

A couple more steps to go, you’re unsure if you’ll get there in time.

One…

Your hand closes around the egg and into your basket it goes. Your heart thumps and your breaths come out uneven. But you made it! The last egg.

Lewis calls everyone back towards the center of town, eyes gleaming as he looks at everyone’s baskets. He seems happy to see more people participating in a dying tradition. There were only two kids in town so an egg hunt is bound to get boring as everyone gets older.

It takes five whole minutes for Lewis to count everyone’s eggs, yours being the last basketbhe gets his hands on. “Nine…ten…” Abigail groans in annoyance next to you. “Eleven! The winner is the Farmer! Come up and get your prize!”

Prize? If you knew there was going to be a prize you wouldn’t have tried so hard. Now someone was going to be mad at you for winning instead of them. You walk slowly to Lewis confused as to what he could be offering.

“Enjoy!”

He hands you a straw hat…well at least it’s helpful?

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew #sdv fic #sdv fanfic #stardew fic #stardew fanfic #stardew valley fanfic #stardew valley fic #sdv x reader #sdv x farmer #stardew x farmer #stardew x reader #stardew valley x farmer #stardew valley x reader #sdv sebastian #sdv sebastian x farmer #sdv sebastian x reader #stardew sebastian x farmer #stardew sebastian x reader #stardew sebastian #stardew valley sebastian x farmer #stardew valley sebastian x reader #stardew valley sebastian #sdv abigail #sdv sam #sdv lewis #sdv marlon #sdv gus

[will80sbyers]

I don't know. I feel like you lost your hope that byler will be endgame in season 5? I feel like you lost your natural joy in general. I can feel that in the way you write your tells. You seem less dynamic,less happy to be here. It's not a criticism at all, just something I've personally noticed so I wondered if you are doing okay rn.

I'm sorry that I've not been as joyful :(

I'm still sick and don't have much energy these days so it could be part of that too, but yeah I'm not as confident in byler as I was after all of these news, the revelations about the play made me lose hope in a good storyline in general because if they don't care even about the supernatural story why would they make a good story for the characters and not one that can "shock" the audiences and that's it

Do they really care about the details of the story if they change big things this easily just for convenience? Was all the foreshadowing we found just a coincidence or are we misreading things? Maybe they think putting it only because Will is in love with Mike is a good idea even if they don't plan on making them endgame?

Maybe the rainbows were all because of this rainbow operation ship thing of the play and not much about the gay coding? I don't even know anymore.

Do they even care about the themes they presented previously after seeing that they don't even stand up for the innocent Palestinians and don't recognize a state that's acting as an oppressor in the real world? That's also what I'm asking myself about them as a team of writers and as people

I know they don't have to say things but they did for other occasions... that whole speech David made was just a spectacle and not the principles of the people involved in the show?

I loved this show because it seemed like they wanted to convey a message that they aren't upholding outside of it now so why would they uphold it in the finale of the show

and in general outside of stranger things the situation around the world is fucked up and I've been sad for that too, watching the graphic videos I've seen this month impacted me, watching people I care about not care at all also impacted my view of them and it feels lonely irl like I don't have friends because we are too different in basic values, and I was already depressed for other things in my life outside of all of this going back to Italy to my old life was depressing, having to live with my parents again makes me in a bad mood every single day because of how they talk to me

Also the whole fandom seems dead anyway, people have decided to leave stranger things because of what the actors and Ross did (which is completely valid) so there isn't even much to interact with in my dash at least

I'm sorry that I can't find a way to be more happy but it's just not a good period at all for me... I hope to find back my passion for the show and the fandom when they start filming, I'm just really afraid that my favourite character will be mistreated again in the end and I'm not sure about what they think will be a good "happy" ending at the moment

In general I think that even starting from a place where I didn't expect too much from them I may have highly overestimated their writing and maybe the redditors are right and stranger things will end up being that type of shitty (imo) story "the 80s nostalgia straight show" that they want

#ask #byler doubt #byler #stranger things #will byers #st the first shadow

[ggomos-maribat]

[33/?]

BDBWM Day 13 | Identities

original prompt | complete masterlist

Marinette is in a panic. 

They’re supposed to visit the Kents in a few hours and she forgot that her Uncle Clark knows about her. She makes a mad dash to the privacy of her room and looks for his number. 

“Uncle C!” She squeaks out when he picks up, spilling everything out in one breath. “Can you maybe keep quiet about my identity during the picnic ‘cause I haven’t told Dad and the others and make sure Conner and Jon and Aunt Lois keep quiet too in case they know?” 

Thankfully, Clark is able to get all of that. “Sure, Marinette. I’m sure your family won’t bring up vigilante work anyway because you’re there.” 

She sighs in relief. “Yeah, but just in case. Thanks Uncle C.” 

---

While her Uncle Clark is subtle about her and her family’s identities, he’s not subtle about his. He keeps disappearing during the family picnic, running off to multiple emergencies. She feels sorry for him; being Superman means having your hands full after all. 

She spreads the jam on her bread and bites into it. Clark stands up for the fifth time, earning everyone’s eyes. “Sorry, I gotta go again. This’ll be quick,” he waves and goes back to the house. 

Marinette munches on her sandwich. “Uncle’s awfully busy today.” 

Without batting an eye, Bruce speaks up. “He has hemorrhoids.” 

Conner nearly chokes on his cake while Jon’s eyes widen. Lois releases a huff of slightly amused laughter through her nose. Ma and Pa Kent exchange glances. 

“Is that so?” Marinette raises an eyebrow. “Is that why you run out to emergencies too, Dad?” 

Bruce scoffs. “Of course not. I always have work.”  

“Yeah, yeah, as if you don’t go check on your Beanie Babies whenever you think they’ve been messed with.” 

“You have Beanie Babies?!” Dick exclaims. 

“He bought a rare one for half a million one time in an auction.” Tim nods. 

Marinette’s sure that the red tinting Bruce’s cheeks aren’t from sunburn.

Taglist:

@maribat-bdbwm @tinybrie @sinoffalsejudgement @its-maemain @kamarallil @toughluna @golden-promises @whatamoodhoney @trippingovermyfeet @m4ster0fnone @alexizlazy @plz-excuse-my-inner-gay @maybeanalien0-0 @imchaotic-dontmindme @ev-cupcake @flowers-n-fandoms @crusherccme @ji-nk-ies @depressed-bitchy-demon @duskyashe @multplelifes @authorpendragging@iloontjeboontje@thatonecroc@user00000003@paradoxaloccurance@kking13@laydeekrayzee@chaos-inperson@astol07@the-coffee-fandom@nerd-nowandforever@nightmarewasteland@certainmuffinbagelcalzone@the-hospitality-of-knives@stainedglassm@talia-scar123@trying414@starling218 @buginetye @ascetic-orange @myazael @child-of-the-clouds @ladythugs @adrestar @therealkotlc

#maribat #maribat fanfic #dc x mlb #mlb x dc #maribat marinette dupain cheng #fox dcw #bio dad bruce wayne #maribat batfam #maribat fic #dc x miraculous #mbdbwm2022 #oh clarky #rip bruce and his beanie babies #marinette knows all #and she knows how to mess with her dad

[speedychildnight]

FOREVER MINE|| JUNGKOOK FF

Tropes:

Childhood love

Cold X Grumpy

Slow burn ❤️‍🔥

Important notice: If you wanna read the whole ff go to Wattpad and read.... The story is on hold but will be published on 15 April...

Let's Start......

Chapter 1

"He is mine. Only mine. Stay away from him. This is the last warning." Said a middle school girl to a group of girls.

???: What are you saying Ynieee, we are still underage.

Girls' Group: Look Jungkook Oppa also don't want you to say that.

Yn: Jungkook!?

Jungkook to Girls' Group: First of all don't call me Oppa. 2nd, don't come near me and 3rd, don't bully her. Let's go Yn.

He grabbed your hand and walked towards the classroom.

You again turn towards them and stick your tongue out then again turn in front.

3 YEARS LATER...

Yn: If I saw it again that any of you were looking at my Kookie or trying to hit on him, I will pull your eyeball. And trust me I am not lying.

Jungkook: YN!! STOP IT!! YOU'RE MAKING SCENE. WE ARE NOW HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

He raised his voice.

Yn: Kookie why are you raising your voice at me? I am doing this for your own good.

Jungkook: I don't need that please don't lower my image anymore.

Yn: Jungkook!?

You said it out of disbelief.

And Jungkook knows how emotional you are. And you only call him by his full name only you're upset with him. But it's his nature what he can do.

Yn: Okay I am sorry.

You said to him in a low voice and after that, you heard that the whole class was laughing. So you ran out of the class.

Other hand Jungkook ran his hand through his hair. He thought something for some moment then dashed out of the classroom being worried.

He started searching for you in the whole school but didn't find you anywhere. Then he came to the back garden, cause you like nature a lot. And there he saw you sitting under a tree and sobbing badly.

Jungkook: Yn....

As soon as you heard his voice you rapidly wiped your tears and got up from your place and about to go. But Jungkook is fast enough to hold your hand.

Yn: Jungkook I already said sorry....

Jungkook: No Yn I should say sorry to you. I am sorry.... Here....

He gave you your favourite lollipop while begging for forgiveness.

But unexpectedly you jumped on him and hugged him with a wide smile.

Yn: Thanks Kookie. Okay, you are forgiven.

Jungkook: Thank you Her Highness. Now let's go?

Yn: Yessssssssssss. Let's goooooo.

Jungkook chuckled at your cuteness.

Jungkook: Okay so our last class teacher is absent can we go home early and cuddle?

Yn: Yup. Let's goooooo.

Yeah, you both are neighbours. Both of your family are more than neighbours. Both of you are Korea's top 2 billionaire's son and daughter. They are best friends so you two also became best friends.

You only have Jungkook as a friend and also Jungkook only have you as a friend. So both of you take care of each other. Just you're childish while Jungkook is mature. And also there are no secrets between you.

You always slept together since childhood. Your parents never complained about it even though they like it.

You lost your father 5 years ago whom you loved the most in this whole world. So you went into depression for more than 6 months.

At last, your mom and Jungkook's family went to a psychologist. And with his help, you recovered. He again doesn't wanna you to go into depression again. That's why he cares for you like a flower. Cause he can't see you in pain.

Chapter 2

After some hours....

Jungkook came into your house while your mom was packing things.

Yn/M: Oh Jungkook you came. Thank God. Can you help me dear?

Jungkook: Why are you asking like that Aunty? Just order me.

Your mom smiled a little to see his behaviour.

Yn/M: Okay so you have to take care of a baby. Can you?

Jungkook: Yeah of course I am an expert at taking care of that baby. Don't worry Aunty. Anyway, are you going to the office?

Yn/M: Not in the office. Me and your parents are going to the same destination.

Jungkook: Oh you're also going to Hawaii? Good then. Bye and take care of yourself.

Yn/M: Yes you too and also my Yniee's. Cause only I can trust you.

Jungkook: Rest assured Aunty.

Yn: Gosh do you guys wanna write a noble about me?

Your mom chuckled a bit and then hugged you.

Yn/M: Take care of yourself, baby. I am going okay?

Yn: Till when will you come?

Yn/M: This time I don't know dear. If everything goes well it will be completed in 1 year though our project is really a big one.

Yn: Does that mean there is no way that you can join my graduation ceremony?

Yn/M: I am so sorry dear. I know I am gonna miss a big day of your life. But believe me, I will always be with you. Maybe not physically but mentally.

Yn: I will miss you mumma. After two weeks I am going to graduate from high school. Can you at least video-call me?

Yn/M: Of course dear I will. And you two take care of each other. Get a good university okay?

Yn & Jungkook: Yes!!

???: Yes she is right. Take care of each other and also help each other. We will try to come back soon.

Jungkook's parents came out of nowhere and told them and after that, they left.

[Your mom took over your father's business after your dad died. So she got too busy. But she never forgets to take care of yourself.]

You were hugging Jungkook while sobbing, cause you never lived without your mom before. And he was caressing your back.

Jungkook: It's okay Yn. Don't be sad. They are doing this for us. So we also have to give them a special reward for their hard work.

Yn: What reward?

Jungkook: By getting a chance at a good university. Are you ready?

Yn: Yessssssssssss.

[Both of you are toppers. He is the 1st topper and you're the 2nd topper. No one can catch you both in your studies. Just you're a little weak in math. But with Jungkook's help you get a good grade in math also]

Jungkook: Yn....did you eat something?

Yn: Yes. But I am craving for some snacks now.

Jungkook: Okay let's grab some snacks and go for study.

Yn: Okiee.

You were reading Biology.

Yn: Look Jungkook...

Jungkook: What happened? Where are you stuck?

Yn: Look at the women's breasts. It is also big like mine.

You pointed towards your book's cartoon model. [You all know what is it. I don't think I need to explain it more]

Jungkook: W-what a-are y-you talking about?

Yn: What!! I am serious Jungkook my previous bra's aren't fitting nowadays. I have to change it all. But mom is gone. With whom I will go? Oh gosh.

Jungkook: There are a lot of guards who can drive you to the mall.

Yn: You stupid Kookie. They can't tell me which one fits me well and not. And I also have no friends. What should I do?

Jungkook: Y-you need others to check it for you? Then you can wait until Aunty come.

Yn: But Jungkook you know my boobs are paining for those small bra's.

Jungkook's face became full red by then.

Jungkook: Y-yn enough of study today. I know both of us can crack tomorrow's Bio exam. We need rest now let's sleep.

Yn: Yeah okay. But Jungkook are you having a fever?

Jungkook: No. Why????

Yn: Your face is full red.

Jungkook: Y-yn l-let's sleep.

Yn: Okiee. I couldn't able to sleep for a few days because of an exam. Tomorrow is the last and the easy one so I want cuddles now.

Jungkook: O-okay.

You both went to sleep and you hugged Jungkook tightly. But he was feeling something else.

Jungkook: Yn......

Chapter 3

Jungkook: Yn......

Yn: Hmmm?

Jungkook: Y-you a-aren't w-wearing anything u-under y-your n-night s-su-suit? *stuttering*

Yn: Ofo Kookie how will you understand that my boobs are getting bigger and bigger day by day. I can't control it. Even I decided that I won't wear bra at the house. Only wear it when I will go outside. By the way, you can go with me to buy a bra.

Jungkook started regretting to ask that question. Cause he knew that you tell him every single thing. Even if it's about your body.

Jungkook: Yn you know what I am so sleepy. Let's sleep now?

Yn: Yes. Who asked you to not sleep?

After some seconds...

Yn: Kookie....

You called him but didn't get any response.

Yn: Kookie ~ Koo~ hey are you already asleep?

You pocked his cheek with your index finger.

Jungkook: Nope. Tell me what happened?

Yn: Ummm.... Kookie which University you wanna go?

Jungkook: Of course Seoul National University. It's the best.

Yn: Then let's go there together.

Jungkook: Of course.

Yn: Then let's make a pinky promise that we will go together.

Jungkook: Okay pinky promise.

He held your pinky with his pinky which you held in front of him.

Yn: Okay good night Koo.

Jungkook: Hmm good night.

Yn: Huh!

Jungkook: What happened now?

Yn: I gave you this many Nick names but look at you you never gave me one.

You wiped your invisible tears.

Jungkook: *chuckled* OK ok drama queen I will give you it after getting admission to our dream uni okay?

Yn: Okay...

You hugged him more tightly and slept in his embrace. Jungkook chuckled after seeing your cuteness and then did the same as you.

Next day at school....

Teacher: Students do you think it's our last day together? No dear. Our principal set a new rule from this year.

Students: What is it, teacher?

Teacher: Our principal decided to teach all students for their upcoming college/University entrance exams.

Students: Yay!!!!!!!!

Everyone yelled in joy.

The teacher left.

Yn: Kookie let's go home today early and let's start our study from tomorrow. How's my idea?

Jungkook: Okk. As you wish.

Yn: You know I got 2 new things. No 1 is projector and No 2 is VR. Which one should we use today?

Jungkook: How about both? First, we will play with VR then we will watch a movie while cuddling. How's my idea?

You and Jungkook were laughing at your ideas and the whole class was burning in jealousy.

Suddenly someone came towards your desk.

Random girl: Jungkook Oppa (I don't know why they call him Oppa.) Which college/University you wanna take admission to?

Jungkook: Well, I haven't decided it yet. I will decide with my entrance marks. Thanks for asking.

He told her with an expressionless face and the girl went away.

Yn: Kookie why didn't you tell her?

Jungkook: Cause I don't wanna same drama also in my University.

Yn: But I think you will also gonna become a heartthrob there.

Jungkook: Whatever... I don't wanna be. And think about yourself. You will also become something like that...

Yn:  Okay Kook wait here. I have to use washroom. I will be back soon. Then we will go home. Okiee?

Jungkook: Okay. Go go.

You went from there...

At washroom....

You did your business and were returning to your class but someone pushed you from behind and you fell...

Yn: WTH.....You!?!?

???: Yeah it's mee. Nice to meet you dear.....

Excited.....???? Wanna read more??? Okay I will publish three more chapters here. Then you have to go to Wattpad and read there.

Wattpad ID- @Lil_cutie2005

#bts jungkook #fanfic #fantasy #my writing #jk #jk fanfic #bts jk #bts #jungkook #romance #delulu #kiss #mature rp #maturesexy

[lonesomedotmp3]

2, 4-6, 20 :D

hiii 🖤🖤🖤

2 - album of the year

emails I can't send fwd SORRY!!!! that album legitimately got me through this year it turns out what you listen to in the worst month of your life sticks with you... but the baby by samia and grace by jeff buckley and the rise and fall of a midwest princess are all runner ups...

4 - movie of the year

just did this and listed quite a few but tbh there are so many more... dick 1999 escape room 2019 slashorette party STUDENT BODIES. student bodies was so fucking good... and I did already say bottoms but FOR YOU i Will repeat bottoms was such a Moment 🫶 I had literally been waiting for it the entire year and my girlfriend havana rose liu was there and everyone was so sexy it was unreal...

5 - tv show of the year

faking it was one of the greatest parts of this year it was so fun and weird and 2014 and my best friend amy was there and the toxic homoerotic girl best friendship was insane HOWEVER. seinfeld was formative this year... truly by the end it was just like hanging out with friends everything I did I was like wow this is just like seinfeld it was so good to watch.during the especially as i.kept feeling more and more insane. Comfort television that's sort of meandering and emotionless and anti comedy <3

6 - episode of tv that defined the year for you

wow that's a deranged question ok. the first thing I can think of is yellowjackets 2.01 friends roman countrymen which was such a good brain altering episode and ofc at the time we didn't know season two was going to kind of flop so it was really exciting waiting for the next episode. but DEFINED the year. honestly maybe 7.01 of riverdale in the most bitter pessimistic way possible like it did Define The Year in that riverdale was supposed to Fix things (I know that's a stupid idea but whatever things were rough) and now only did it fail to do that it just left me confused and insulted and.more miserable than ever. yeah that's perfect actually. so much hope and optimism (february fortune cookie) Instantly dashed to create a.more depressive mood than ever. 🤸 but whatever season seven isn't real and it can't hurt me.

20 - what's something you learned this year

it's not going to get better. sorry that's horrible I'll think of something nicer to end on. I wasn't planning on this being a bummer I sort of forgot this year sucked. and I'm not saying that in an edgy way or to get attention it's purely just that sometimes things are the way they are and there's nothing you can do about it and I can't spend my whole life feeling bad about it. like my mum is so upset that cbt didn't magically cure me and it's like. this is just a thing I have to deal with forever! there's no cure! and if it ever gets better it'll be a pleasant surprise but why would I set myself up for devastation and disappointment again like I did at the beginning of this year. frankie community voice I never hope hope is pouting in advance.... anyway on a lighter note! talk to your seminar professors about your essays! it sucks but it does really make them so much better!! I got a first in a philosophy essay for the first time because of it 🫡🫡🫡 now I just have to remember to keep doing it even though it's extremely embarrassing asking your professor to do their job for some reason

#thank you abby<333 #ask tag #munamania

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hi!! I just wanted to say that I completely get not finding that much joy in the fandom/ harry and louis anymore. I had a mini minor tiny breakdown about it last night bc of the tags you put on the post you reblogged from me where you said something like please bring me joy, and I felt that so much 😭 this ask is gonna be 3 parts because i'm already running out of room oops

I think part of the reason is that I’m stressed and winter is coming so I’m also a little depressed. But I also think part of it is that there’s so much harry content but it just feels empty to me? I don’t know if that’s because I don’t connect to it as much but I also feel like he’s going through the motions if that makes sense? Maybe it’s just because I see things from afar (literally bc he’s in the us and the show is when I’m asleep) but I really feel like he’s on stage doing his job vs. 2/3

vs. last Europe tour where he was so happy and smiley the entire time. Plus spitgate being the first real general public harry hate and since then he’s really been the gp talk every week or so and I hate it. Anyway separate from these rambles; I’m always happy to see you on my dash and I’m so glad you’re here and I hope you find some joy in them again ❤️

hey <33 thank you for your message, and yeah. i feel you! i noticed i really had a hard time loving content from the residencies, bc i disagree with their existence so much. he looked tired and yeah, he really was going through the motions. he sang kiwi and medicine like they were canyon moon, yk? but not following along to his doings also made me unhappy, so that's a balance i'm trying to regain now. at the end of the day, i love harry and want him to be happy. gp talk and any of his media attention sucks, so i'm good with ignoring that forever. i've just been sadly exposed to some of it on tiktok bc i use that app as brain anesthesia big rip. i hate hearing randos talk about harry lmao. my big challenge rn sadly is that i've just come out of a relationship and fandom was something huge we shared and now reminds me a lot of them and our shared time. so i don't want to lose my love for h and l's content bc of that and it's a bit of a process now. so, sorry for the minor breakdown my tags caused :)) but i really appreciate this, bc despite the source of our sadness being different, we just want this space to stay meaningful to us. i'm always here if you want to let some of the depression demons out, if you want someone to relate to <333

#asks #m

[kvnghs-archive]

just gotta have a lil real dump here for a min.

i don’t feel very wanted/needed on this platform anymore.  it feels like my ideas and muses have run their course and no one is interested in what i have to offer.  conversations to start the most basic and simple plots are often one-sided, ending before they even begin, or just left on read with nothing to ever come of it.  i need to discuss plots, characters, etc in order to even have the motivation to be here to write, and i’m not getting much of that anymore (unless i write a specific canon male character on a solo blog, but we’ve learned our lesson there).  when i started here, regardless of who i was writing (canon or oc) i would always get random questions about my muses in the inbox.  just dumb little things that people were interested in — what’s their shampoo smell like? do they sleep with the closet door open?  socks on or off at night?  simple things...ya know?  that makes such a difference to me, that someone thinks my silly little muse is interesting enough to know some funny little facts about them.  now it just feels like people are only in search of a plot device to insert into their story and not the actual character they’re writing against.  i want to know about your muses.  i want you to tell me their morning routine, i want to know the dumb little things my muse would know too.  i crave the interaction the rpc is no longer giving out freely like it once did.  

i am slow, and i very much understand that, but the reason i am so slow is because the rpc as a whole is failing.  people have decided it’s not worth reaching out anymore because they’re being ignored, the elitism and cliques are once again getting out of hand with the drama, and it’s just kind of a sad place to be when you’re not in one of those cliques.  especially you 30-somethings out here trying to start drama with kids like it’s high school...but that’s a whole different and very long post for another time.  anyway, what used to be an escape to enjoy with people in my hobby is kind of just a depressive place to be now.  i don’t feel the excitement for my muses, i don’t feel like people are here to learn anything about my muses, and i’m very much starting to feel like a pity party.  while i am fully away this is also my bad mental health speaking, at the same time it’s also not.  

edited*  what happened to the support the rpc once had?  is it only applicable if you have the correct aesthetics and use the prettiest graphics?  i can’t use photoshop very well, but i like to think i can write okay, so why do my graphics dictate how you see me as a writer?  i don’t care if your promo is pretty, i want to support you so i’m going to reblog it.  the rpc is not as supportive as it once was and you cannot tell me otherwise.  i rarely see promos cross my dash ( mine have less than 10 notes, and it’s me and like one other person most of the time...it literally hurts my feelings to spend time on something that gets completely ignored and i am not sorry about that ), people aren’t commenting and communicating as much as they once were, and i think it’s completely skewing the rpc as a whole.  the same goes for edits, is it hard to like a post someone spent time on?  you can unlike it later if you need to clean your likes, but sometimes people just like to be acknowledged for something they’re excited about.  i have been so excited to post something like an edit or what i thought was interesting about my muse, or just fun that other people might think was cool, to only be met with crickets on the other side.  it’s disheartening and not what the rpc is supposed to be about.

i’m complaining to myself as well, because i’ve stopped being as interactive with the dash as i once was.  but as i said before, after time and time again of being shut out, ignored, and even blocked after speaking to someone...can you really blame people for no longer reaching out?

anyway, sorry if you came in to read this.  i’ve been very much struggling here, and thought making harley would help, but it’s only further solidified that feeling.  i’m really trying to navigate around it, but i’m not even sure where to start with people anymore.  like i’m almost afraid to even reblog things from people anymore because they’re so adamant about reblogging everything from the source, not messaging first, and not even following them first like?  isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing here?  idk, the rpc has lost its luster and i really miss the community we used to have here.

so anyway...if you’d like to talk about our muses, plots, etc, i’ll do my best to ask random questions, send asks, make edits, and all that jazz as long as it isn’t one-sided.  my ims, ask, and disco are always available though i do miss (or just never get) notifications sometimes so don’t hesitate to boop me.  i’d just love to find some more writing partners to bounce ideas back and forth with.  i have either lost contact with most of mine over the years or they stopped writing all together unfortunately. :/

disco: shiny shitbag ✨#6427

#( mun shit. ) #gotta get the vent out somewhere before i explode #i am just sad with how the rpc has essentially closed itself off #and i've been here for a decade to watch the slow decline into isolation #this was a lot #tbd

[lizzyverydizzyyo]

D.E.A.N | Chapter 13 - Support

Masterlist and overall summary of the whole novel is here. | Prompt on trope-appreciation-tuesdays that inspired this is here. | @whumptober-archive

Fandom : Original Work

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

AO3

A/N I had major and extended writer’s block and I’ve been busy with my work (I’ve only been working at my place now in like, less than three months. I still need to train and learn not to mess up, which I almost did, majorly ;______;) so I’m really sorry that it’s been such a long time since the last update.

It’s kinda unedited and I’m not sure the chapter is gonna stay like this permanently. I think I will change up some things later to make it more up to my usual standard. Still, I hope it satisfies your yearning for Nick feeling happy and being comforted lol (if you do, of course, but I feel like not a lot of people care about this fic. Oh well, you write for yourself, right?)

****

Wordcount: ± 5599 [longest and most indulgent chapter to date lol, literally the beach episode of this novel]

TW: Depressive Episode, Anorexia (low appetite)

Mark’s team isn’t quite sure that he is completely logical in his actions, but he doesn’t really care as long as their charge is happy.

This story is set in the last half of 2016.

——

Unfortunately, almost like a clockwork, Nick still gets sad, randomly cries, or has that thousand-yard stare again anyway despite the birthday celebration. Sometimes, he still has to be cajoled into eating or getting up once in a while. They are still worried, of course, but not too worried as he gets enough sustenance anyway for now.

Not Mark, though.

Mark is extremely worried and looks at the surveillance monitor many times, seeing what Nick is doing and gauging his mental state through his appearance from the live feed. He throws a look at the monitor quite often while in briefing or planning session in the team room, to the point that sometimes Luke or Horace has to snap their fingers in his face to return his focus on the discussion.

So, one day when he is driving with Lena to the team’s drop point manned by a confidential double FBI/D.E.A.N agent to get their usual supplies, Mark suddenly pulls over.

“What the hell, Mark? We aren’t there yet,” Lena asks with puzzled look.

“Yeah, I know, just stay here,” he absently and hurriedly says as he unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the driver side door.

He goes around the car and opens the door to the back passenger seats, frantically upturning so many items and tools with Lena looking back still as confused as ever. Finally, he pulls up a square fabric with two-feet-by-two-feet size which is quite soft. He doesn’t know who put it there, what’s it for, or whose fabric it is. He doesn’t care as he closes the door again and immediately makes a dash for the side of the road opposite of where their car is.

With the car closed, Lena can’t really hear what’s going on, and that is perfect for Mark. He has been carefully looking around the road so far hoping to find what he needs to find, and he finally does. From a small ratty cardboard box tipped to its side, he sees a small bundle of black fuzzy ball with two floating blue orbs on its front.

As he steps closer to the cardboard box, the fuzzball shows another circle below the other two, and from it he hears tiny but high-pitched repeated meows signaling its opened baby mouth.

“Hello,” Mark says automatically with a baby voice as he scoops up the kitten into the fabric and wraps the teeny creature gently in it.

He thought he was going to have to settle with randomly colored cats before, but he guesses the universe is truly telling him that this is the right thing to do with the perfect cat exactly how Nick likes it according to his social media.

“You’re gonna have a new home, kitty,” he says while cradling the kitten near his mouth before giving it a soft peck on its tiny forehead. He is usually a dog person, having a husky when growing up and training German shepherds when he was in federal police academy. This one can be an exception, though.

The cat immediately stops meowing, almost like it finally realizes it’s going to be okay and no longer needs to ask for help or protector anymore. Mark then looks at both sides of the road before jogging again to the car.

Right when he opens the car door again, he hears, “Mark, what the hell are you thinking? They’re going to kick your ass!” from Lena.

“Well, then don’t tell them,” Mark says, pulling the seatbelt then buckling it, then he hands the fuzzball to Lena’s lap without asking. “Hold on to the cat, okay? We don’t have pet carrier yet.”

Lena just looks at him with confused look, but heeds to it anyway.

They continue their journey, bringing the supplies from the drop point into the car, but unlike usual, they make a detour (exactly like when he and Luke went to a pastries store) to the nearest pet shop and vet office to buy tons of wet cat food, kitten formula, needleless tiny syringes for feeding, a litter box, an organic litter bag weighing almost 40 pounds, litter box linings, some dewormer and flea bath soap from the vet, and collapsible pet carrier.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?” Lena asks again.

“Well, do you hate the cat?” Mark asks them as Lena is cradling the kitten carefully, showing that even they already feel protective over the baby feline.

“No, but—”

“Well, then don’t say anything to them and everything would be fine,” he grins.

Lena just shakes their head, but finally stays silent.

When they both arrive back at the headquarter, Mark shushes Lena and tells them to stay in the car for a little bit.

He darts to the monitor of the surveillance to Nick’s bedroom, making sure that the team room is empty. Then he tinkers with the connection, disabling it so that they can’t really see what’s going on in Nick’s bedroom. Mark doesn’t completely severe the connection, though, choosing to freeze the frame to that of Nick laying down on his side like usual, which is another perfect coincidence that convinces him he is absolutely supposed to do this.

He comes back again into the car and carries the items, both the cat care items and their D.E.A.N supplies, choosing to bring some pet care items together with the supplies repeatedly so that nobody suspects a thing seeing their usual supplies in both Lena and Mark’s holds while the pet care items are hidden behind it.

He feels slight nervous sweat rolling down his temple as he moves with a little more urgency than normal, eyes flitting around to his surrounding to see if anyone is around.

Finally, all of the team supply is put in the storage and training room. Now what he needs to do is to transfer all the pet care items little by little to Nick’s room. Easy.

Maybe.

As a way to disguise the items, he pulls out some trash bags and wrap those items with the plastics.

“What on earth are you doing?” Lena asks again in puzzlement and slight irritation, still cradling the kitten.

“I’m making sure they don’t see what’s inside,” he replies distractedly, beginning to wrap some cat food cans and package of kitten formula and carrying them out to Nick’s bedroom.

He knocks a little, before opening the door anyway.

Nick is fiddling with his fingers with tear streaks on his face.

Mark feels that heart clenching sensation again. Thankfully, he now has just what Nick needs to feel better.

“Be quiet, Nicky, okay?” he tells Nick when the heterochromatic-eyed boy looks up at him.

“Um, okay,” Nick responds, sounding more like a question.

Mark then gently put down the items in his arms before smiling meaningfully at Nick and putting his index finger in front of his lips. He gets out again.

“What am I supposed to do with the cat?” Lena asks him again as he reappears in the training room.

“Just… hold on to it a little,” he says, continuing to wrap cat care items in trash bag and bringing them back to Nick’s bedroom.

He has to make quite the journey back and forth between the training room and Nicky’s bedroom, until at last he has to bring the giant bag full of litter that he has to cover up more carefully.

“What is going on?” Nick now asks him.

Mark smiles wide with triumphant feeling, seeing as he has been successful in transferring all of the pet care items without detection.

“Just wait,” he tells Nick excitedly.

Mark gets out again to fetch Lena.

“Come on, we’ll reveal it to him now,” Mark says finally, earning a head shaking from Lena. Even so, there is slight smile on their face.

They both walk slowly, carefully looking at the coast to make sure it’s clear. Mark’s smile is getting wider and wider despite his thundering heartbeat due to his stealthy move.

Once on the door of Nicky’s bedroom, he slowly opens it with the cat still cradled by Lena, then they both go in. Mark closes the door quietly, thinking that it’s probably an overkill now as both Lena and he are already safely inside.

“All right, be quiet, okay?” he tells Nick before pulling Lena and getting them to sit at the edge of Nick’s bed. Lena then pulls away one of their hands and lifts up the flap of the fabric still covering the kitten.

At the sight of the tiny kitten, Nick immediately widens his eyes and opens his mouth. Mark shushes him to remind him again.

“A kitten?” Nick whispers excitedly.

“Here,” Lena carries the kitten from their arm and puts it into Nick’s arm instead.

Nick is smiling so wide, still speechless.

“Oh my god!” he whispers again, finally finding his voice.

Nick looks up at Mark with such a happy and grateful look, his colorful eyes looking slightly glassy. He immediately chokes out sobs, but Mark can tell it’s happy tears this time.

“I’ve always wanted a cat. Thank you!”

He cradles the kitten still, one arm going to his eyes to erase his tears as he continues to sob in delight.

“No problem,” Mark replies with his own beaming smile, feeling his heart swelling in happiness at Nick’s joyful face. “It’s thanks to Lena too.”

The aforementioned agent smiles affectionally too at Nick.

“Thank you so much, both of you,” he says tearfully as he keeps cradling the kitten and kissing the top of its tiny head. The kitten starts meowing again, now moving out of the fabric to headbutt Nick’s cheek.

Nick giggles as a response.

God, Mark has never been this happy seeing another person’s smile.

“Um, what on earth?” they hear a feminine voice suddenly behind them.

Oh, shit.

Both Lena and Mark turn around to face whoever is standing there. They see Mary looking confused.

“Mary, I can… I can explain. Just, shhh.”

Mark frantically stands up and pulls Mary’s hand to completely enter the room.

“I was checking the surveillance and it looks tempered. Was that you?” Mary hisses accusingly at Mark.

“Yes, look, just don’t say anything, please, can you look at his face and has the heart to take the cat away?” Mark whispers while gesturing at Nick who is cradling the cat even deeper into his arm with devastated look.

“Look, I don’t mind cat—actually it’s kinda cute, where did you get it?—anyway, no, that’s not my decision. The others are going to kill you,” Mary says distractedly as she tries to steal a look at the hidden cat.

“Well, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, right?”

Eventually, three of them agree to keep Nick’s kitten a secret, and Nick is ecstatic. He is so dedicated to the cat, immediately taking the kitten to his bathroom and filling the sink with water and pouring some flea bath soap.

“She needs to be bathed to get rid of the flea immediately. Otherwise, she is not going to survive the anemia from the parasite,” Nick says distractedly at Mark’s questioning gaze, “At around three-four weeks like this, anemia can be deadly.”

“She?” Mark questions, feeling amazed that Nick apparently knows enough to even gauge the kitten’s age.

“Yeah, see?” Nick carries the kitten and shows its butt with the tail pulled up to Mark while Mark is still confused about what he should be seeing, “That’s female.”

Nick then continues lowering the warm tiny fuzzball to the sink.

“Is she gonna be okay bathed like that while that young?” Lena asks this time.

“Yeah, as long as it’s warm and she is only bathed below the face as needed and immediately taken out of the water once it’s done,” he says with a spirited and wide smile.

He then purses his lips while talking in baby voice when the kitten starts meow-screaming again.

“Can I get some plastic comb, with, like small teeth?” Nick asks again as his hands are busy cupping water and pouring it gently to the kitten, once in a while also gently rubbing the tiny face with his thumb.

“Um, for what?” Mark asks, still confused about all the treatments that Nick is doing for the kitten. He seems way too experienced and educated to have this as his first pet.

“For the flea,” Nick focuses back to the kitten. “After the bath, I still need to comb her to get rid of the remaining flea that are still on her skin.”

Oh, okay. That makes sense. Kind of.

“Maybe I have some in my room. I’ll go get it later.”

All three of them just watch Nick in wonder as he moves about swiftly but carefully to take care of the tiny creature, up until Nick looks back at Mark with pointed look.

“Oh, yeah. The comb. Wait.”

As Nick dabs the kitten slowly with his own clothes that he takes from the drawer, Mark rises up and walks out to his own bedroom to grab the aforementioned item.

Once he is back, he sees Lena, Mary, and Nick cooing at the shaky kitten as it—she—walks around on Nick’s bed.

“Here,” he reaches out a hand to give the comb to Nick.

“Thanks,” Nick replies, giving wide-toothed smile at Mark that causes that weird jolt in his heart again.

Whatever. It’s nothing.

Once the other two agents leave after having enough cooing, Mark decides to rise to walk out to give Nick time alone with his new pet.

“Mark?”

He turns before he opens the door.

“Yeah?”

Nick is seemingly hesitating, so Mark walks back to sit on the bed to wait for whatever he is about to say. Nick takes a while to look at him, choosing to continue cradling the kitten and petting her.

“Um, I’m gonna need some more things for her. Is that okay?”

Mark furrows his eyebrows as he throws a look at the mount of cat stuff he bought already.

“I’ll need some tape and cardboard boxes or stiff plastic covering.”

Mark is still trying to process his request.

“For her playpen,” Nick tells him at Mark’s puzzled look, “since you didn’t buy one for her. I’m gonna make one.”

Mark thinks it might make sense, but not really. So he just says, “Well, we have to wait until the night so no one is gonna be suspicious.”

“Okay,” he replies with slight smile.

He stays a bit just looking at Nick with the cat that he is already glued to.

“I’ll help you get those stuff tonight,” he finally says.

As promised, Mark walks back into Nick’s room at night sneakily, to go with Nick around the headquarter for the items he asked before.

They find some in the artillery room where they see some plastic covering around seven or so feet in length and half a meter in width. It’s usually used for some makeshift storage box or other tool they might need to DIY, so Nick and Mark only take one sheet to avoid suspicion if someone is doing logistic of their supplies. Along that, they also find some duct tape, then they immediately go to Nick’s bedroom again.

“Help me make a circle?” Nick asks, now that Mark is the only one left to help him after Mary and Lena decided to do their own stuff.

So, Mark does, crouching with Nick while holding both ends of the plastic covering together to make a tall circle cage. After that, Nick pulls the duct tape out and sticks it to the slit made by the ends of the plastic.

Mark absently notes that Nick is warm as he gets close to stick the tape, hands also touching slightly. Not too warm like when he was badly sick, but warm enough that he feels the pull to…

Jesus, he probably needs to hook up with someone to get it out of his system.

After Nick goes around up and down the ends of the plastic with the tape until it has three or so layers, he shreds the end of the tape with his left hand to cut it.

Huh.

He’s been doing things with his left hand for some time. Mark has just noticed it now. Is he left-handed?

Nick then pulls back while sitting on the soles of his feet with a satisfied smile, seemingly not aware at all of Mark’s jumbled emotions and wandering thoughts.

“Now all we have to do is cover the bottom with the lining pads and some clothes so that she is warm,” he tells Mark.

“Why don’t you just sleep with her on the bed so that you can warm her yourself?”

Nick frowns slightly. “I don’t want to squish her.”

“Oh, okay.”

Nick grabs the kitten gently while wrapping her with the clothes before and put her down in her playpen. It’s pretty tall and the kitten is very young, so there is no chance of her escaping.

“Do you have alarm clock?” Nick asks again as he is looking at the small feline, softly petting her with just three fingers but already covering her tiny head.

“It’s not done yet?” Mark questions, taking inventory of all the things they’ve been doing for the tiny creature. He thought cats are not that high-maintenance compared to dogs.

“Yeah, she is still so small. I have to give her formula every two hours and maybe rub her to warm her up. I also need to stimulate her tummy and butt area so that she pees and poops,” Nick explains to increasingly confused-looking Mark, “because kittens this young can’t do that on their own. Usually, their mothers lick them on that area, but since she is a rescue orphan, I have to do it for her.”

Was he preparing to be veterinarian before getting kidnapped or something?

“You know an awful lot,” Mark finally remarks in wonder.

Nick looks at him with a joyful smile. “I’ve been preparing my whole life for this.”

Mark smiles softly. “Good to know she’s in good hands, then.”

He chuckles a little after some time, causing Nick to look at him weirdly.

“You’re not gonna ask for a puppy next, are you?”

Nick giggles too. “No, don’t worry. I’m not about to build an animal shelter here.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” Mark exaggeratedly says.

“Besides, I only like dogs in theory,” Nick explains casually with a slight smile, “like thinking that snow leopards or tigers are beautiful or adorable when they act like house cats or something,” he pauses shortly, “but you won’t actually pet them and hug them in real life. It’s terrifying as hell.”

Mark giggles again, understanding and in agreement with Nick’s explanation.

“So, you’re actually afraid of dogs?”

Nick hums as a reply and adds, “Guess I’m fully a cat person.”

“That makes sense,” Mark comments absently.

When Mark turns to Nick again, he furrows his eyebrows.

There is something forlorn in the younger man’s eyes. He decides to wait if Nick still has some words to part on Mark, but Nick doesn’t continue.

“Is there another reason?” Mark asks hesitantly.

Nick takes a while before answering.

“I guess,” Nick frowns. “They can be trained to hurt others, not like cats, you know?”

As a federally trained personnel of militarized police, Mark understands it perfectly well since he himself has trained with dogs that are honed to hunt and attack criminal targets. He doesn’t think that’s what Nick means, though.

He doesn’t dare to ask just in case that’s too personal and sore spot of a topic, so, instead, Mark continues to stare at the sleeping fuzzball with Nick in peace and camaraderie, somewhat.

“I’ll get you that alarm,” Mark finally says before rising to go to his own room.

His circadian rhythm is already pretty reliable anyway, so his own alarm is a formality at this point. He doesn’t mind giving it to Nick.

So he rises and walks out of Nick’s room into his own, grabbing the aforementioned item from his bedside table.

“You sure you’re okay with waking up every two hours?” Mark asks anyway as he hands the small digital alarm to Nick once he is back to Nick’s room.

“It’s fine,” Nick says still with a smile, although there is something mournful in his face, “I’m used to waking up randomly at night anyway.”

Mark considers Nick’s words with puzzled feeling, staring at the heterochromatic-eyed boy while Nick crosses his arms over the plastic covering, looking affectionately at the kitten. When he realizes what Nick means, he widens his eyes before looking sadly at the black-haired boy.

Of course, Nick gets up randomly at night, even after he’s out of the holding cell. He probably has routine nightmares all these times still.

Mark feels that heart-string tugging feeling again, so he sits down next to Nick with crossed legs.

“Maybe after this, you’ll have calmer sleeps.”

Nick turns to him and smiles, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s probably going to take a long time to stop getting traumatizing nightmares after all of his experience in Helga.

And in this headquarter in the beginning. Especially after that time when Mark’s palm was squeezing the life out of Nick.

That nausea and guilt come back again in droves into Mark’s heavy conscience.

“Hopefully. Maybe,” Nick responds with small voice.

He hopes so too.

***

They maintain the schedule from then on to take care of the cat and watch her along with Lena and Mary who keep gushing about how adorable the fuzzball is, careful to lower their voices so that no one suspects a thing.

Not for long, though.

At one point, after Mark quietly and carefully closes the door behind him where Nick is sleeping soundly on the other side—Mark now takes some turns to feed the kitten and rubs her belly so that Nick can continue resting when he looks too tired—he finds Horace standing right in front of the door.

Mark jolts up slightly in surprise, not expecting anyone to be there.

“What,” his commanding officer punctuates, “is going on?”

Mark gulps at Horace’s suspicious look and furrowed eyebrows.

“Nothing. I’m just trying to see how he is doing,” he lies.

Well, not completely.

He does come in to see if Nick is okay, and takes over his usual responsibility to care for the kitten when Mark deems him too exhausted-looking in his sleep so that Nick doesn’t have to wake up. Nick doesn’t ask for that, really. Mark just sometimes worries for the skinny heterochromatic-eyed boy.

It's just guilt and sense of responsibility. He’s sure.

“Why are you in his room for so long? What are you doing there?” Horace pointedly asks again.

“Nothing. I talk to him, so that he doesn’t get depressed again.”

Horace narrows his eyes even more, then he points at the monitor that usually displays live feed to Nick’s bedroom.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Horace says, continuing before Mark manages to reply and lie his way out. “It also doesn’t look like the live feed is moving at all. Care to explain?”

Shit. He forgot.

“Look, Horace,” he says slowly to give himself time to come up with a lie, “he is… he is not suspicious anymore, right? Like, he’s cordial with us now. Why do we keep surveilling him? It’s just gonna make him feel trapped and alienated. He needs privacy.”

“And you didn’t think to discuss it with your commanding officer?” Horace asks almost in anger, probably sick of his subordinates not treating him like their leader for so long.

“I’m truly sorry. Next time, I will discuss it with you.”

Horace continues to look up at his eyes with suspicious look.

“There is something else, isn’t there?”

“No,” Mark replies too quickly.

“If I continue the live feed, what am I gonna see?”

Shit. Shit, shit.

“Nothing, just him, resting. That’s all.”

Oh, fuck. He’s going to get busted.

“What,” Horace punctuates again, now that the other agents are starting to gather in the team room for their usual briefing, “is in there, Marcus?”

“I told you. Nothing.”

Shit. He should have just turned off the monitor and told Horace immediately instead of letting the frame frozen suspiciously.

Horace turns around, seemingly about to drop the subject in surrender, but then he looks at Mary and Lena’s expressions. They are pointedly looking away, biting their lips with eyes flitting about between a random wall and Horace.

“What is in there? I don’t want to repeat myself,” the commanding officer now looks at three of them.

None of them talks, and Mark looks meaningfully at the other two so that they don’t fold.

He sees Lena biting their lips even harder while looking down. Mark widens his eyes meaningfully and mouthing ‘no’ surreptitiously.

“Why, no, Ken doll?” Angie now asks him pointedly as she notices his lips movement, also with suspicious look.

In any other times, Mark would roll his eyes and tell them he doesn’t appreciate the new nickname, but he is now too focused on trying to lie his way out.

Luke, too, now narrows his eyes and parts his lips slightly, then he finally says, “Why did I see a sack with a cat picture on it few days ago on our trash?”

Oh, fuck. He’s fucking busted.

Lena and Mary look down while sweat starts to flow from Mark’s temple.

Horace immediately turns to him again with an angry look.

“Don’t fucking tell me—”

Horace then puts his palm against his face in frustration.

“Look, it’s his idea, okay?” Lena finally folds.

Mark immediate opens his mouth in shock at their betrayal.

“He just pulled over and grabbed the kitten, and I wasn’t asked for my opinion or anything. So, I was so confused and just carried the cat back,” Lena tells the team fast and nervously.

“Lena!” he yells in disbelief.

Don perks up in anger. “You brought a fucking cat?”

Mark opens and closes his mouth like a fucking goldfish stupidly, then finally raises his arms in surrender, “She’s gonna stay in his room. She’s not gonna bother us. I promise.”

Anna now bristles. “What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s a special task force headquarter, not a fucking humane society shelter!”

George buries his face in his palm. “I thought you guys know I’m afraid of cats.”

“I told you, she’s gonna stay in his room. Don’t worry about it,” Mark explains frantically now that everyone is looking at him pointedly while his traitors are looking down demurely.

“Do you want to sleep with him that badly, Marcus?” Angie yells incredulously.

“If you’re really so blue-balled, I’ll get you a fucking male prostitute. It’s Nevada, it’s not gonna be too hard to find one,” Horace tells him with tight voice.

Luke and Anderson just snicker on their seats.

“That’s not what I—” he looks around at everyone’s meaningful stares at him.

“I do not have crush on him.”

“You brought a cat for him because he likes cats,” Luke says lightly with smirk.

“I don’t!” Mark yells incredulously this time. “I just think he is still too depressed, and cats are not that high-maintenance!”

Obviously not really, considering he and Nick have been taking turn to care for the kitten. But they don’t need to know that.

“Then, give him some macarons that won’t shit on the litter box that we have to clean every day, you fucking idiot!” Anna yells again at him this time.

“It’s just a cat! It’s not that bad!” he defends himself again. “Mary! You were on our side. You like the cat too. Do you have crush on Nick?”

Mary just looks at him irritably while opening and closing her mouth without actual meaningful defense of her own.

“You’re the one who took the cat, Mark,” Anderson now tells him with another snicker.

He opens his mouth again to defend himself more, but he just looks around in disbelief at everyone’s pointed look, some in disappointment and others in amusement.

“I do not have crush on him, Jesus, guys. There are other men in here, and do I have crush on any of you?”

Everyone still stays silent with more pointed looks.

“Look, there is Luke. Everyone knows he is pretty handsome and is like the slimmer version of Idris Elba. Do I have crush on him?” he looks around at everyone before continuing himself, “No.”

Luke jokingly says, “Awh. Damn.”

“Sorry, you’re not my type,” he absently says before talking again. “And Horace? I don’t have crush on him either.”

“Yeah, because that would be unethical since I’m your leader,” Horace responds irritably.

“Whatever,” he absently says again to look at someone else. “And George? He’s pretty with bubble butt which is the type of guys I go for.”

“Can you not objectify me, please?” George says with annoyed but small voice.

Mark ignores him. “Do I have crush on him? No, again! Or Anderson? Or Don?”

Both aforementioned men immediately interject, “Oh you better fucking not!”

“Don’t worry. I like guys with asshole, not guys who are asshole.”

Anna and Angie still shake their heads while Horace rubs the bridge of his nose.

“I just don’t want him to get depressed and starve himself again. I thought you guys want him to be our informant.”

Angie straightens up in frustration. “This goes beyond making him our informant. And you know that.”

Mark looks around and feels so offended as everyone still gives him meaningful stare.

Sensing the tension in the room, Luke finally gestures around. “Look, I don’t really mind the cat, to be honest. If he can take care of it—”

“Her,” Mark interrupts, immediately regretting it as the others look at him meaningfully again.

“—well, her. Then it’s okay, I guess. It’s not like we’re letting him keep a C4 or something.”

Anderson nods a little while still smirking at Mark. “Yeah, me too. Maybe the cat can be our emotional support animal, you know? Since being D.E.A.N is kinda stressful.”

“Thank you, Anderson,” Mark says pointedly before staring at everyone again.

“Yeah. Besides It’s kinda mean to take away the cat now since Nick has put a lot of days and work into caring for her,” Mary finally contributes as she fiddles with her fingers.

“Honestly, I won’t have a heart to take her away. He looks really sad when I said we need to get rid of the cat at first,” Lena offers too.

Horace looks around to his subordinates then sighs before walking to a seat to ponder a little. After a while, he inhales heavily with almost surrendered look.

“Show of hands for the ones who want the cat to go.”

Angie, Anna, Don, George, and Horace himself raise their hands.

“Now show of hands for those who want the cat to stay.”

Mark immediately raises his hand. Thankfully, Lena, Mary, Luke, and Anderson follow suit by slowly raising their own hands.

“So it’s a tie,” Horace finally says exhaustedly.

“We can ask him as the tie-breaker,” Mark says absently.

“Of course, he’s gonna say yes, Mark!” Horace yells at him.

Anna stands up with angry look as she says, “It’s a cat, Horace. They jump up around and scratch shit. What if she scratches some explo—”

The door behind Mark immediately creaks open slowly. From the inside, Nick comes out while cradling the kitten protectively with really sad eyes.

“You guys are gonna get rid of Nightingale?” he says in trembling, almost tearful voice.

“Oh no, he named the cat,” George mutters dejectedly.

“Where is she gonna go?” Nick continues, now even closer to crying.

Horace looks at Nick’s face, contemplating as he opens and closes his mouth again. Beside him, Angie’s expression changes from angry to soft look.

“Helga never let me keep a pet,” Nick says again, completely trembling as his heterochromatic eyes get glassy.

“Don’t you fucking pull the Helga card,” Anna says angrily.

Still, Don and Anna look around, finally noticing that even Horace and Angie’s faces are starting to look sympathetic.

“Angie, Horace. Don’t you fucking dare flip on us,” Don says tightly.

Horace exhales deeply, closing his eyes a little, then he stares at Nick again.

“Can you,” Horace sighs again, “even take care of a cat?”

Nick’s face lights up. “Yeah, absolutely! I’ve been volunteering in TNR groups and shelter’s fostering system—not in my house, of course, but in the other volunteers’ houses or the kittens’ room in the shelter itself. I’ve been reading a lot of cat books because I was planning to get a cat in college. I promise I’ll take care of Nightingale and make sure she doesn’t disturb any of you!”

Horace considers Nick’s words, visibly softening as he looks at how tightly and carefully Nick is cradling Nightingale—Mark didn’t even know he named her already. The tiny kitten is his arms while being a ‘purrito’, as Nick calls it when she is wrapped in her tiny blanket.

Finally, Horace sighs again, darting a look at Angie who also returns the sympathetic eyes

“I guess,” he says almost tiredly, “if you can take care of her,” he then shrugs languidly, now with Don and Anna glaring at him.

“She can stay.”

Don and Anna immediately yell, “HORACE, NO!”

On the corner of the room, George buries his face again in his palms in defeat.

Mark immediately turns around to Nick with victorious grin. Nick smiles back before looking at the other agents in deep gratitude.

“Thank you so much! I won’t burden any of you, I promise!”

And so, Nightingale becomes the newest addition to the team.

***

(I) (II) (III) (IV) (V) (VI) (VII) (VIII) (IX) (X) (XI) (XII) (XIII) (XIV) (XV) (XVI) (XVII) (XVIII) (XIX) (XX) (XXI) (XXII) (XXIII) (XXIV) (XXV) (XXVI) (XXVII) (XXVIII) (XXIX) (XXX) (XXXI - END)

#whump #whumptober2021 #whumptober #whumper turned caretaker #OC #original work #OC whump #D.E.A.N #no.5 #i've got red in my ledger #misunderstanding #multiple whumpers #whump prompt #prompt fill #writing #english #repost for whump sideblog #whump community #me #comfort #caretaking #soft whump #me-write

[polyamorouspunk]

Language anon again

Sheesh the tags in the second part, you didn't mention that the person you knew was your toxic(?) Ex. All you put in the tags of the first post was "I've been meaning to text them anyway" and "guess who it is" and ngl I do pay attention to your blog but I don't pay attention to your relationship stuff bc I'm just not interested in someone's love life when I gotta deal with my own yk? Anytime I see the word catboy/crush/relationship I just scroll bc I don't like reading about that kinda stuff- reminds me of shit I've been through with assholes

Not all of your followers are up to date about who you're crushing on or at odds with. So don't say I don't care about you putting your mental health at risk when I didn't even know I was to begin with.

Besides, you don't have to do shit for unknown people if it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy. The little I know about catboy makes me think he's a dick and you shouldn't waste your time with him, but I don't know the full story and I don't really care to. That's just my opinion.

Just do whatever makes you happy man. I can't change my friends choice about what they call themself and Im not going to force you to text someone that makes you depressed because I'm curious Abt their thoughts.

I subscribe by the "never text your Ex" idea, but you do you Boo. If you want an excuse to get your heart broken again then go for it. I'll be the bad guy here 😂

But my advice is don't text him. If he's been ghosting you then fuck him. He's a loser that wants you to chase him bc he gets off on it. I'd had to deal with dickwads like that too.

Instead of texting him I'd drop his ass and do shit that would make him regret ghosting me. You should make yourself look hotter and sexier than before. Even if you're a solid 9.99 go for that 10. Then go out more- go out anywhere and have fun, even if it hurts, even if you're not actually having fun. Just show you're NOT crying over him like he wants you to be. Eventually he'll see he fucked up. And the best part is? When he crawls back you need ghost him and make him understand how you felt. Fuck him. When you focus on yourself you'll attract someone who wants to be with you for you, not because you feed their shitty ego by crawling back to them

jskdhskhs thank you I guess and my dude it was 100% like a joke I’m sorry I made you feel guilty in any way. I do try and put it in the tags so people don’t get 10,000 posts on their dash about me complaining about shit. And I do try and keep it to this blog only and not my other blogs/social media where I focus on being positive and upbeat.

It’s not that he ghosted me so much as I know that having a newborn at home is taxing while you have other things going on and it’s not even your home etc.

Nah dude it was 100% a light-hearted joke, I totally understand not caring about people who you follow’s love life/intrapersonal relationships they talk about/I can 100% see how that stuff could absolutely be triggering or at least uncomfortable to people who have been in similar situations (or even if they haven’t been) which is why I try and constituently tag all the posts I make about all of it.

And I mean tbh I text my ex every day because he’s like? My best friend? I don’t consider catboy an ex really (idk like when I say “my ex” I mean Emory but catboy kind of counts but not really), but I subscribe to the idea of “if someone I know is in a place to answer something better than me I’m always more than happy to reach out and ask them for advice” which is why a lot of times I ask for advice on here or like I’ll ask my friends about things etc.

Yeah there are arguments on both sides of like “he’s shitty”/“he’s going through a lot”. And I mean the best relationship I ever had which was healthy and lasted a good 6 years started off horrible and toxic on both our parts so like I do know from experience that like shitty people can turn around and become healthy partners. That’s not always the case however.

Sorry to bring it up, I did put it in the tags because it wasn’t relevant to your ask but something I needed to vent about in a joking way anyway.

I think that asking people for their opinion on something they might be interested in/suited to is a great way to reach out to someone when you haven’t talked in a while because it gives them something to talk about besides just “hi how are you”. My best friend and I almost never text but I’ll text her up every once in a while to ask about my animals or something, which I think works well for her because she’s not into the whole casual conversation thing and would much rather talk about reptiles and such. (Once again has nothing to do with this ask but just figured I would throw out that piece of advice).

Life’s complicated. I defiantly go back and forth on it and I sure do bother the fuck out of everyone I talk to and probably a lot of people who follow me which I do feel bad about but I try and compound it with just reblogging general good crush posts/mlm content that would fit a polyamory blog run by a mlm anyway so that even if people don’t want to deal with the bs maybe they can see a post and relate like “ah I’m polyam and I want that with my partners” or “at least one of my partners” because most are centered at 1 person.

But uh yeah just because a word isn’t English doesn’t mean it’s not gendered and if you don’t like any existing words just make one up.

#punk gets mail #crush stuff #negative #I’m a bit worried my reply comes off as guilt-trippy so if it does I’m genuinely sorry but like I did mean it when I said I was sorry #a cookie for you anon ? 🍪🥛

[kofetalesnbpdchaos-leoreaper]

What Does Life Look Like?

Chapter 1: Griefs of a Borderliner; My Mother.

I wanted to start off my ‘What Does Life Look Like?’ series talking about something. In fact I had wanted to not write something but… anyways!! It’s here now!

So, here goes… *loud whisper* nothing….

I’m a BPDer. That means I live with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I wanted to.. dive in deeply. Deeply into the depths of.. how I have these grievances & umm.. what are more my own personal experiences; a creation of shadows depicting things for you .

*breathes*

As you all know, people don’t just wake up one day & decide to grab these things . Cuz if I did, that’s just so silly?? Like… who would….

Who would want to cry inside all the bloody times?!

Cry about all day long sometimes having episodes of depressive bullshits that could last from hours to days?

Have such highhh intense emotions, where in which it feels as though I am .. in this case: grieving. The Dead?

Not a whole assed person, who’s alive and well & all that shit! No no, ahahaha, you’d definitely be mistaken . Mistaken it for the Dead, NOT ever for the .. bloody Living?!?!

I've thinking a lot lately. About how it is like to grieve the Living vs the bloody Dead peoples. How intense it is for me. How it must feel like for others with BPD too!

What I do grieve on is how much I will never ever... have that proper motherly connections. People have always been able to handle it. Haha.

But I? I jus cannot, in fact "handle it". Or "deal with it" as some may also say so.

It's like.. You're expecting me, someone who's tried to attempt at bettering themselves, finding ways to be better at approaching and shit-- keep going no matter what..? Why?

Why has it always been me ? Am I not allowed to complain? I used to says to myself, & I guess insolent creatures who barely have the capacities like the ways that I do, don't even think for a second why's it a failed dead relationship!

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents butt... IF you cannot accept one to be with an asshole of a lover or best friend-- what differences does it make if it's your own literal blood?

No sorry, lemme reframe that: Why would someone allow you to be with your abusive parents, but not with someone who isn't of your very own blood ? It's just fucking BLOOD. It doesn't mean Jack Shittingston!!

I grieve that. I grieve for not being able to have a family, it's been loong dead for me. You just aren't aware of it. Not up until now, perhaps? Huh.

I die each time I think about hugging my own mother. I just have stopped myself now, cuz mi mind's gonna play tricks on me.. again. She'll think that it is love, but the love that there is ? It cannot out weigh the pains and the horrors existing.

I can't ever talk about basic things now. It's gone too far onwards, through the mountains & high altitudes. I can't have proper conversations. A few bits and pieces are like peace through mild yet cautious common grounds. Common grounds are where the shit is calm seas. Sorta.

Unlike most, I can't ever talk about loves & shits alike. I can't speak my minds about my sexuality or my genderqueer identity. I can't exactly even speak of interesting Christian shits, so really... its all dead to me.

Sometimes I wonder. What's it like to have some kind of a relationship? With your mothers? How open are you? How does it feel like to have someone like that in one's own life? Tis not for .. those of us who're lacking them. Not us who don't have mothers. Rather those who do!

I feel so stuck. I feel extremely empty, trapped and suffocated. I don't like it but it's always just whatevers & a dash of eventuallys. The amounts of times I wasn't able to say "she's actually abusive." to those who's brain organs do exist unlike mines. I couldn't verbalise/vocalise it. I couldn't even see through it. Another thing to grieve . *whispers* it is it is..

Its true what they say, we BPDers be the grievers of what happened, and what has not happened. My soul breaks and she haunts the chasms of my dark abyss of a body. The mind. There's a whole detachment that goes on. A whole loada heaviness and sadness weighing down upon me. You can't climb up; up and leave it be. Wounds freshly seared and becoming known to me, it'll take a whole lot of an eternity to heal.

If I were immortal, perhaps I would be able to tell you the deeper differences of grieving Dead vs Living peoples. Sadly, ahaha, I am no immortal being, I am but a mortal soul who knows how to merely explain the differences.

To grieve the Dead, is to know that they are forever gone, gone far off into the Spirit Realm. Gone & always remembered. Heaviness weighs you and you cannot see them ever again. Not yet for now. Probably wishes of changes or words or things wanting to have been solved blossoms. They bloom within you. Years can go by, it can still hurt you, make you cry sometimes-- become so sad & lonely even.

To grieve the Living, is to know that they are still alive, here still breathing. Existing . An avalanche of horrors happen too, cuz you realise that there's no way things can be amended or fixed or whatever. You watch them daily, crying on the insides, detaching yourself and endlessly attempting to make changes that evaporate into the thin airs.

At the end of the day, they both still hurt. 1 where you wish shit could've changed before they passed on wards. The other, you wish to solve things & make em better-- but you've already come to terms that it's allll bloody dead. Gone away, so very far away. I guess I'd rather sit in the depths of Hell than to be alive on this damned realm & die continuously from stress & sadness. To me, grieving the Dead is far more better than grieving the Living. Cuz you don't have to die each time you hope for changes. For the Dead it isn't possible anymore to expect and hope for fucking changes. *whispers quietly* No more, no more...

-- Lena Eclipse Oriña Reaper. Leo Reaper. 29/04/2023.

[babiewonho]

*

#i am of course like mid mental breakdown saying these things but im sad~ #that was supposed to be an excalamation mark now i look like a koreaboo self insert fanfic writer and i want to die #moving on #i used to be more active on here and have more fun but i feel like ive like self isolated away from all my friends #and i miss them but i feel like there's no place for me in their lives anymore #and by talking to them i just force it and everyones moved on from me and is sick of me sparkle emoji #which is rly sad and Depressing lol #but i also STILL despite feeling like that am not on here as much #and i message them but i feel like im being hideously annoying so i want to leave them alone to spare them #painting nails emoji #so that SUCKS lol #and this is like the Least of my problems so u can imagine my state of emotional wellness #anyways this wasnt for attention or anything i just wanted to vent i love u all #im sorry i havent been as active and i feel like im not #even nice anymore i feel like im bitter on everyones dash AND tl oh on twitter i am just openly bitter and cynical and i feel bad #i think people used to just like me more in general and find me warmer and now i cant even radiate that energy i want to bc im just Tired ! #and i was feeling so much better but im defeated again #and i just feel bad and like im disappointing n annoying everyone #but anyways dont feel the ened to anon message me literally i'll be fine if u read this thank u for ur time and energy <3 #i hope everyones been doing okay!!! enjoying their summer

[imsadstuff]

Fated To Be

> Namjoon runs into his old high school friend while getting a flu shot, and Yoongi is confronted with his crush again. A simple yet complicated slice of life story about teenagers turned adults who grow, change and fall in love all over again!

Pairings: Idol!yoongi x fem!reader Genre: fluff, slice of life, mutual pining, idol!au, just two idiots in love Warnings: sexual themes, overdose and drug usage themes, drink with caution kids Word Count: 12k+ Author's Note: Writing this got me out of a depressive episode, so hope this comforts you as well :) I'm so sorry I don't have the time to proofread this given how busy I'm with life and work, please ignore the mistakes...

“No, I’m invited to a party so I’m going to go out and drink and you guys have to work” you tease as you zip up your little-too-tight dress. “How does one get invited to a party?” Jihyo asks as she curls your hair, “You run into a high school friend when he comes to the hospital to get a flu shot” it was fun to run into Namjoon again, he’s very famous and still the same somehow. You’re both much older now, but he’s still the same Namjoon that convinced you to join the math club, that you were too stupid for. “So, I can’t know who invited you or where you’re going, is it some kind of sex party” Jihyo asks in a very serious tone as it can actually be a possibility. “It’s a birthday party as far as I know and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind a sex party” with the last swipe of some lipstick you’re ready and slip into your heels for a night of drinking and foot cramps. Ringing the bell, you fixing your hair one last time when Namjoon swings the door open squealing your name. “Wow you’ve had a drink or two,” you remark pulling away from the hug he engulfed you in. “I am the birthday boy, I’m allowed as many drinks I’d like like”

Namjoon is dressed in the most dashing sweater and the cutest cap to let everyone know that he, in fact, is the birthday boy. “Of course, happy birthday you big giant birthday boy” the last time you saw him, he was a nerdy thin student, now he’s a jacked rich dude who lives in the lavish apartment and it’s quite a shock. “I brought some wine, and a few books I’ve been enjoying” this has Namjoon smiling eye to eye. After several introductions and some more small talk, Namjoon disappears leaving you in a crowd full of people you don’t have much in common with. After a few minutes of lingering by the snack table and refreshing your drink, you are startled by someone poking your shoulder. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to startle you” it takes you a second to puzzle out, but it’s a face you haven’t seen in over ten years. “Oh My God, Yoongi?” placing your drink down you quickly engulf him in a tight hug. “Namjoon told me he ran into you, how are you?” the years have done Yoongi good because he’s much more muscular and sturdier than you remembered him to be. “I am going amazing, I moved back to Seoul a few months ago so it’s nice to be back home” Yoongi nods looking you up and probably analysing how much you’ve changed. “Also, congrats on being rich and famous, my niece is a huge fan” you tease and he lets out a small shy laugh hiding his face behind his drink. “And you are a nurse who’s afraid of needles?” he teases remembering the time you got flu shots together. “Well I am still afraid when being poked with a needle, but I’m much better now” you continue the joke polishing off drink number two, and you can’t see yourself but your cheeks are flush red. You spend the rest of the night catching up with each other, and how life is so much better and worse somehow. “Did you drive here?” Yoongi asks as the party starts to empty after Namjoon loudly sings happy birthday for the nth time. “Yes, and god was it a bad idea” Yoongi has been serving you some amazing whiskey and you have long forgotten the drinking cap you promised to yourself. “I can drop you off, I have to go back to the studio anyway,” he says checking his watch, it has to be around 2 am. “At this time?” “I have a few deadlines and I’m still on New York time” “Look at you two chatting all night, just like old times” Namjoon stumbles across the room while you’re putting on your jackets. “Yes, but you being this drunk is new, what is wrong” you ask and Yoongi lets out a long-exasperated sigh like you asked the wrong question or something. “Quarter life crisis I’m assuming” even drunk, Namjoon is still the most introspective person ever. “Let’s chat more about it when you’re sober, please drink lots of water come to the hospital if you have alcohol poisoning” hugging Namjoon one last time, you can practically smell the hangover on him. Namjoon mumbles something to Yoongi which has Yoongi shouting ‘shut up’, but all you can focus on is wrapping a scarf around you, which is much harder drunk.

“So, are we going to discuss Yoongi hyung flirting with what was her name, I mean they were talking non-stop all the laughing and giggling,” Hoseok says out loud to the practice room as soon as the documentary camera turns off. Yoongi sighs, too tired from the hours of practice to defend himself. “Okay, first off, her name is ___. Second off, we weren’t flirting, just two old friends catching up, thirdly, shut up, shut up, shut up” Yoongi gets rid of his sweaty t-shirt and wipes himself with a towel. “Hyung had such a massive crush on ___ back in the day, he practically had heart eyes for her,” Namjoon tells the group and they immediately start hooting like a bunch of children. “He’d wait outside the cafe where we did group study, just waiting for any chance to hang out with her. But he was too awkward to ask her out, so it was some years of pining” Namjoon looks far away, reminiscing the good old times. “Emphasis on the ‘had’, with all the work and travelling I don’t have the mental capacity to date anyone-” “Dating isn’t that hard, you just don’t want to confront any residual or new feelings you might have for ___” Jimin who was too quiet for a while, pipes in and everyone nods with agreement. “Okay can we stop with the dissecting, I want coffee and need to get back to work” “Coffee is on the way-” Namjoon is interrupted by loud knocks and you walk into the third practice room, hoping it’s the right one. It is definitely the right one because Yoongi is standing right opposite you, all sweaty and muscular, and also semi-naked. There’s a long-prolonged silence as everyone observes Yoongi frantically putting on a t-shirt and you looking down to give him some space. Taehyung finally speaks up, “Thank you for the coffee ___” Taehyung is so handsome you were very starstruck during the party, and very much today as he helps you with the coffees. “No problem, also who is the triple shot iced americano,” you ask holding up the drink that worried you the most. Yoongi brings forward his hand and you frown your face, not wanting him to drink this, “Assuming this order is a daily occurrence, this is not healthy” you warn him but all he does is smile and thank you. “You should be thanking people like me, increasing various long term health problems, billing your hospitals even more” Yoongi is a little snappy today like someone ticked him off. “Alright, Namjoon can we go?” you ask and he nods enthusiastically. “Fun evening plans?” Jin asks implying something you don’t get. “Yes, I’m going to help Namjoon pick out jewelry for his girlfriend because women don’t like heart-shaped jewelry” “YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND” everyone except Yoongi shouts, seems like he already knew. “Yes, hyung I’ll be back by 11 to finish up the track,” Namjoon says to Yoongi exiting the practice room as you bid everyone goodbye and snatch Yoongi’s drink away from him. “You know I can just buy myself more coffee” “I know that, I just don’t want to be your drug dealer”

“Promise me you’ll come to our concert, it’s a huge one” Namjoon found a quiet barbecue place after a tiring hour of shopping. “I will, can I bring a friend. She’s a huge fan” Jihyo was still not over the fact that you are friends with Namjoon, or as she called him ‘The Kim Namjoon’. “Of course, also I have to ask something” Namjoon had been playful all night so this serious change is quite frightening. “I heard about your brother, are you fine? I know it’s been a few years and I should have reached out earlier but I just didn’t know how to-” “I am better now, I miss him a little less every day” you answer truthfully looking straight at him, “Alright, but let me know if you ever want to talk about it” Namjoon is trying really hard not to cross an emotional line and you’re very grateful for it. “I will,” you pass him a reassuring smile eating a big piece of meat.

Jihyo almost fainted when you gave her the happy news, not only was she getting free tickets to a bts concert, but she might also get to meet them. She would burst into loud ‘YAY’s’ during work and it was starting to be disruptive. Good thing the concert was today and she decided to come over and help you get ready. “It’s a concert, no one cares how I dress” “I care ___, I CARE” After that outburst, there are no questions asked and you slip into rather tight jeans that make your ass look FINE. Hours of getting ready and a few minutes of standing in like later, you take a deep breath as the stadium goes dark, you hear the music first, later the seven of them appear and the crowd goes wild. It might be a cliche but as they weave a story, song by song, the world starts to feel a little more magical. It’s a little emotional to see a friend you care and love so much being there up on stage, achieve a dream. It reminds you of when Namjoon would make you listen to his recording in a cafe while Yoongi would jot down lyrics on a legal pad. Before you know it, the fireworks are going off and the group is going around bowing to the audience, indicating the end. Jihyo and you had been dancing and singing along, but you still feel refreshed somehow.

“___” the manager who guided you up to their complex offices a week ago approaches as the venue starts to empty. Namjoon had texted you about this earlier, he wanted you to join the after-party and bring along your friend. Walking backstage, you watch as the staff scrambles around packing and cleaning. Jihyo is a little too quiet, watching everything with her panicked eyes. “You alright?” you ask her as the manager leads you into a waiting room. “No, I’m about to meet my heroes, what if this goes bad” “It won’t, they were pretty chill when I dropped off coffee for them last week” you spurt out but it only adds to her panic. The fairly huge waiting room is filled with people, possibly more friends like you and family. Looking around, it’s easy to spot Mrs Kim, she still has the same polished look and short hair. “Mrs Kim!” you greet her and she immediately lights up, “My god ___” she reaches and pulls you in a tight hug, and you chuckle into her shoulder. “I haven’t seen you in a long time, how are you?” she asks tenderly holding your hands. “I’m doing good, wow you haven’t aged a bit” “Sure I haven’t, these white hairs are a deliberate choice” she continues with the joke only making you both laugh more. “So ___ found you before I could surprise you” Namjoon interrupts as Mrs Kim catches up with me and you can hear Jihyo take a shark breath behind you. “___ was just telling me all about Chicago, you should come over for dinner sometime,” Mrs Kim tells in a persistent tone and you nod taking her up on that offer. “What about your some who just put one a three hour-” “Yes Namjoon you were amazing, now I have to leave a little early because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Come here” Namjoon might be taller and stronger than his mother, but it’s cute how he still wants her attention. “Now, Jihyo right, did you enjoy the show,” Namjoon asks Jihyo and you can feel her brain shutting down. “Ah, um, yes, yeah, I did” she stumbles out and Namjoon gives her a dimpled smile. “How about you, can you believe me now when I say I’m famous,” Namjoon asks you referencing your little comment from last time. “I always believed that you were famous, one can’t watch the news without a mention of bts, I just wasn’t sure that you guys were good” you tease and Jihyo looks at you like you’ve committed some kind of sin. “I’m joking, of course” you calm her and Namjoon laughs out loud. Namjoon introduced Jihyo to the rest of the group and you watch her go from panic to a blushing state of a mess when Jungkook complimented her shirt. “Hey, so I was talking to the director and would you sit for an interview” the party had now moved to a restaurant, with more of their staff and friends around. “Interview for what?” you ask taking some food off Namjoon’s plate. “We’re making a documentary, and a few of our friends and family have been interviewed to you know, more of us before bts” “Sure, that’d be fun” he’s gone before you can get more details. You watch from a distance as Yoongi seriously discusses something with a group, he catches your eyes before you can look away. Not looking away for a second Yoongi lets the conversation drift and excuses himself from the group. “Where’s your friend?” Yoongi asks looking around in an attempt to find Jihyo. “She has a morning shift at the hospital” “Ah, look I wanted to apologize for being an ass last time, I was ticked off about something and I should have been careful knowing-” “As long as it’s coffee and not meth, I’m fine with it” you answer in a flat tone not wanting to know more about it. “I know, I could still have not been an asshole” he tries to lighten the situation with a cheery tone and it works. “Well, you wouldn’t be the same Yoongi without the touch of asshole” “You guys were magical on stage, I cried a little” you confess to Yoongi as he refills your drinks, in the haste of looking up he spills quite a lot of the drink. “Happy or sad tears?” he asks wiping away his mistake with a bar napkin. “I don’t know, I was just very emotional and moved” you answer truthfully helping him with the mess. “Well, I’m glad you came, seeing you in the crowd reminded me of 17year old me who would never believe what I did today” Yoongi is just finishing up a one-year-long stadium tour, it all hasn’t settled for him yet. “17-year-old you was quite self deprecative, what did you do to him” “I went to therapy and fell in love with my life” Several rounds of drinks and food later, Yoongi is dropping you off again, not driving this time. “Listen, how about dinner, my treat” Yoongi proposes standing against the car as you stumble a little. “I think I’ve eaten too much tonight, dinner seems-” “By god are you even more annoying drunk, dinner this Saturday. I’ll text you the details give me your phone” he grabs the phone while you untie your hair, feeling a migraine coming. “Sleep on your side, don’t want you choking on your throw up” Yoongi remarks as you walk away, you just give him the finger too tired for a response.

“It’s not a date, he just wants to take me, his friend to dinner. Now can we stop discussing this and get back to work” Jihyo ambushed you during rounds after you filled her in about everything she missed. “Did he follow up with texts?” she asks are you read through some charts. “Yes, he sent an Are you dead, I’ll cooking dinner at my place and his address” you are more concentrated on taking notes on a patient's vitals. “___ you haven’t been on a date in a long time so you might not remember what-” “It’s not a date, Yoongi considers me to be a friend” you huff standing still and Jihyo crashes into you. “How will she know it’s a date if you don’t say it explicitly” Yoongi had been whining about crashing and burning with ___ to Jin for quite some time now. “She has to know it’s a date, I said ‘Dinner, my treat’ she has to know-” “My god you dumbass, have you asked out women before” Jimin appears into Yoongi studio, inputting information Yoongi doesn’t need. “Yes, I have” “Now, do you have a game plan for dinner?” Jimin asks sprawling across his sofa. “What game plan, I’m going to make pasta, maybe pick up some dessert and whiskey” Yoongi tells and Jimin’s face just sours even more. “First off put on a nice crisp shirt or sweater, no t-shirts or jeans, Trouser pants,-” “Obviously” Yoongi interjects with a sassy comment but it does not go well with Jimin. “No whiskey, you want something romantic, some Merlot or Pinot Noir, you make amazing pasta so that’s good to go, and some candles, and ambient lights, music” Jimin has now been going on and on dreamily and Yoongi has left his studio to prep for his date. A few minutes of panickily pacing around a grocery store and another few at his empty apartment, Yoongi has drawn out a game plan. First, he needs to clean his apartment, it’s remotely clean everyday but he still hasn’t made this place his own. Some flowers, music and finally hanging up the artwork that has been sitting in the guest room for months now. Second comes prepping the dinner, he wants her to have a hot dinner so that’ll be done later. Third is himself, showring and scrubbing later he’s as clean as a baby butt, he smiles to himself in the mirror, between touring and spending most of his free time in the studios he hasn’t done this in a long time, he’s oddly excited. “Holy fuck are you rich, this is so strange” is the first thing you say as Yoongi swings his house door wide open. “Thank you I guess” between multiple surgeries today, you had no time or intention to change out of your scrubs. “This is a nice apartment Yoongi, real nice” “I just moved in a few months ago, haven’t really broken into the place” you take note of the romantic lights that make his apartment look even nicer. “Thanks for doing this, I fee underdressed in your slick apartment” you joke watching Yoongi in a crisp black shirt that is making you feel weird. “Don’t worry about it, you must have been working hard today” Yoongi is being usually soft and sweet today and you might start to get used to it. “I had a double-shifts today, where can I freshen up?” Yoongi leads you a very fancy bathroom and you finally can wash your face. “Hey, I can get you a sweater and some pants of mine that might fit you” Yoongi’s voice booms from outside the door. “Thank you!” “What could I have done, I was on vacation with a dude who thought the earth was flat. I waited for him to fall asleep and left as quickly as I could” you recall while Yoongi laughs hysterically beside you. “So, you didn’t ask him if he believes in science on the first date?” he jokes as you finish up the last of the pasta. “Now how does one ask that naturally” “Science, thoughts?” Yoongi jokes as he cleans up the table. “Let me do this, you made this amazing meal, I’d like to contribute” you pick up a few empty plates and follow him into the kitchen. “I’ve been talking about myself all night, tell me something about you” you ask washing the plates as he sits on a countertop. “I don’t know, I’ve been working non-stop for the last 10 years, I really haven’t done a lot of stuff” Yoongi confesses sipping on his wine. “Come on, there has to be something?” you push him a little. “Well Drake invited us to a Grammy party and they made a jacuzzi into some sort of punch bowl filled with vodka” he recalls the strange night he almost got a tattoo. “First, that seems unhygienic, Second WOW” you are shocked by the very different life you’ve been living. “Yeah, it was kinda crazy, they had a tattoo artist there, Jungkook got a tattoo, I almost got a tattoo” this has you forget about the plates, “I chickened out, I could never get one” “I have a few of my own” you have abandoned the places now as you stand in front of him. “Can you show me?” he glances away, a little shy from the sudden intimacy. “This one is for my brother” you pull up the giant sweater sleeve to show a tiny 1984 on your above your elbow. “This one hurt like a bitch” you pull the sweater down your shoulder a little, revealing a little heart on your collarbone. Yoongi almost reaches over to touch it but stops midway. “And another one around my bikini like” you walk back to the dishes and Yoongi feels a little dizzy, “Every time I feel like I’m in a rut, I get a new tattoo” you joke but Yoongi doesn’t respond to it. “You wanna watch a movie” is the last of what he says before he runs out the kitchen. “If you forget about the romance, more romcoms are borderline creepy” Yoongi comments propping his feet on the coffee table. You nod, continuing to rethink the checklist Jihyo talked about earlier.

Is it a date checklist? 1. Candles

2. Romantic Music

3. Did he compliment you more than once?

4. Are you feeling nervous?

5. Does he seem nervous? It was a yes to all of those, but would it be a date? You maybe had a thing for Yoongi back in the day, but it had been years now. Are they real feelings are just residual unresolved feelings you never confronted? “___ you’ve been quiet for a while, something wrong?” he asks turning a little towards you, bumping shoulders with you. “What did you think of me back then?” you ask having completely abandoned the movie. “At first you were Namjoon’s friend he’d never shut up about. He’d go on and on about how smart you were, how you’d help him with math and one day he brought you over to do a project and you heard the song I was working and were amazed by my ability to make music. Even though I sucked back then” he stops to take a good look at you, trying to read you. “I thought you were full of love and happiness, I was envious yet at the same time glad to be your friend” he stops and you give him a big smile, happy with the answer. “What’d you think of me?” he asks fully turned toward you. “I thought you were an ass yet cool, all I knew how to do was study and you were Namjoon’s cool hyung who made music” you take a big sip cutting out the part where you had a massive crush on him. There is a long silence where you both return to the movie, analyzing each other’s answers. “I have a morning shift, I should get going” you stand up and notice that Yoongi had fallen asleep. This would explain the silence from his part. “Yoongi, you’re thirty sleeping on the sofa is a bad idea” you nudge him a little and he wakes up immediately. “Did I mention how mean you were back then and still are” he limply stands up as you put on your jacket, ready to leave. “Let me drive you home” Yoongi proposes standing against a wall. “You’re tired and sleepy, I don’t trust you behind the wheel and I drove here” “Alright, get home safely” “Thanks for tonight, maybe I’ll take you out sometime” you say as he holds the door open for you. “It’s a date” Yoongi speaks he can think it over and all you do is nod and leave. Both of you continue to freak out now separated by a door.

“You cannot do this to me, to us” Yoongi whines from across Jin in the conference room. They were here at the office to seal off things before their six-month break. “These fishing trips are sacred, me whining all the time, you being serious about it-“ “I bought holiday home and I am bringing my girlfriend” Jin shuts Yoongi off. “Your two options are to either not come with us or invite ___ and not be the third wheel” Jin smiles sarcastically looking through some papers. “I have a feeling you are doing this on purpose” Yoongi accuses Jin and he nods not denying it. “Namjoon and I came up with this idea, because as he lovingly said it, ‘both of them are too emotionally constipated to realise anything’, so quit it and call her" “Alright, but if this goes south Namjoon and you are to blame” “That’s a risk I’m willing to take” “Why are you doing this to me?” Yoongi asks, “Because I love you now call the girl you like” You had been looking for Jihyo all day, she was going to be condescending about this but you desperately need her help. You find her in the 15thfloor break room and ambush her immediately, “He invited me to a trip to Jeju” you sigh sitting in front of her. “You’ll have to tell me more” She had surgeries all day so she is deservingly tired. “Yoongi called me a few hours ago, inviting me to a trip to his friend’s vacation house in Jeju” you rest your head against the table too tired to understand any of this. “First off, latch onto him and never let go and is it going to be just you guys or-“ “His friend and his girlfriend are also going to be there” you don’t bother to lift your head up. “Then go, you deserve this vacation, plus this will give you a chance to untangle your feelings about him. If you do, make a move, if you don’t, you still get a pretty sick vacation” Jihyo is making some excellent points yet you feel weird about it. “I don’t think I’m thinking this through” you whine feeling a migraine coming. “I can’t emphasise how much you are over thinking this, take the plunge for once.” “Alright, but if this goes south you will be buying me ice cream to get through this” “Alright, now make the call” The flight to Jeju went quickly because Yoongi stopped his car on the runway and that’s a first for you. “Yoongi, I don’t think I can afford this vacation” you tell him as he puts on his sunglasses getting out the car. “Don’t worry about it, this is the company airplane” It’s still the start of November so the air is quite chilly in the morning. “Why does your company-“ “We travel a lot for tours, this is the best way to do it privately and safely” Yoongi is being a little short this morning, after all it is 6 am and he hasn’t had his coffee yet. Walking in you find Jin sitting with a woman asleep on his shoulder, probably his girlfriend. Yoongi offers you an earbud, “Get some sleep” soft instrumental music lulls you to sleep, this might be the best you’ve ever slept. “So, how’d you guys meet?” you ask Ara, laying exhausted on the sofa after a long day of walking around the beautiful Jeolmul Forest. It was exceptionally beautiful and calming, thank god Jihyo talked you into this. “Our friends set us up on a blind date, he was late and tired. I still gave him a chance” she laughs watching the men grill on the patio. “That’s cute, the last time I went on a blind date the guy was on his phone the entire time” you complain running a hand through your hair, trying to loosen up. “Why not date Yoongi” Ara is a woman who means business, she always gets straight to the point. “I don’t know if he’s into me” you are staring at Yoongi a little too intensely as he sets up the table. “You can always know, reach out to him a little, if he doesn’t back away, make another move” “And how do I do that?” you are truly lost here and hope Ara has some moves. “When you’re talking to him, caress his arm or hand a little, let him know you’re interested with your body language” You put Ara’s advice to work during dinner when the couple is busy talking about something. “Hey, thanks for bringing me. I’m having a ton of fun” you say caressing his hand that is on the table. This immediately makes his eyes twinkle as he tries very hard not to smile. “I’m glad, I too had fun when Jin spent the entire morning identifying different plants” he jokes not moving his hand while yours says on top of it. “It was fun and games till you started googling everything and proving him wrong” you lift your hand to pick up your wine glass and watch and Yoongi looks away, not to let his emotions show. “So, we’re thinking about going on a hike tomorrow morning, how does that sound?” Jin proposes looking a little sly. “That sounds fun, getting some sun and fresh air” the most of morning sunlight you’d get in Seoul is after finishing a morning shift so this would be a nice change. “It does, doesn’t it Yoongi” Jin teases Yoongi and he nods yes giving Jin a sour look. “I like ___, the first words out her mouth aren’t always no” Ara joins in and Yoongi takes another shot of soju. “It’s final, be ready at 5 am” Jin stands up and offers a hand to Ara, they really are the hottest and the cutest couple you’ve ever seen. Thankfully there were no awkward discussions about the sleeping arrangements because the house had five rooms. “I can’t believe I set them up and they spend every living minute bullying me” he whines as you walk up the stairs.

“Good morning!” you cheerfully greet a groggy Yoongi as he wanders around the kitchen looking for water. “Why are you up? It’s 5:30” it’s too bright in the kitchen and Yoongi is still adjusting. “I made you coffee, and also packed us breakfast and fruits” you say handing him a steaming cup of americano and he cracks a smile. “I knew you’d be a little bitch about waking up this early so I’m trying to make it a little easy for you” this has Yoongi’s heart fluttering seeing how well she knows him. “Ignoring the bitch remark this is really sweet” he says popping a piece of tangerine in his mouth. Yoongi is in a remarkably good mood for the rest of the morning, clicking pictures and even smiling.

It was day two and the couple decided to have dinner by themselves leaving the two of you at the house. After the hike and walking around the city all day, both of you were too tired to do anything. “What are you in the mood for pizza or sushi?” Yoongi asks going through his phone. “Pizza” “Ordered, now I am not watching another romcom, I want something that keeps my mind engaged” Yoongi says laying on the sofa worried that if he closes his eyes, he might fall asleep. “Can we put on a stupid romcom and point out the plot holes in it” Yoongi agrees to this request quickly, putting on something with Matthew McConoughey. “So, you were friends with Ara first, why not date her yourself?” this had been bugging you ever since you found out Yoongi set them up. “Because she was my lawyer and she’s not really my type” he says taking a big sip from his beer. “So, what is your type?” you ask feeling a little buzz from that beer earlier. “I haven’t really given this much thought, but you know if you like someone you just know” Yoongi is looking at you intently, wondering what your response is going to be. “There have to be some physical traits that attract you immediately, like I am attracted to guys that wear jewelry, or guys that are too butch aren’t really my type because they seem high maintenance for someone who doesn’t work out” you say taking full notice of the multiple rings on Yoongi’s hands. “Well, I like independent women, I work a lot and I’d like someone who understands that kind of pressure” he says as you nod along checking a box in your head. “Someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone once in a while, someone I can have new experiences” he has a slight twinkle in his eyes as he talks, maybe is the beer. “You have thought about this a lot” you point out taking a sip from his beer. “I have, after a few too many relationships that never work out you start evaluating everything” Yoongi is cozied under the blanket and you wish you could just snuggle into him. “Aww, Yoongi has had his heart broken too many times” you tease him poking his cheek, waiting for him to break into a smile. Instead, he takes hold of your hand and pulls it down, not letting go. “So, am I your type?” you ask him boldly and just that second Seokjin and Ara burst through the door, shouting and hooting. “WE’RE ENGAGED” Ara hollers, holding Seokjin close and you two stand up like two deer’s caught in the headlight.

After a night of celebrating and Ara marveling about how big the diamond was. It left you two no time for an answer from Yoongi while you avoided each other’s eyes all night. It was the last day of the trip and Seokjin wanted to go fishing early in the morning, so here were the four of you on a boat ready to get some fish. “I don’t understand it, if you were going to propose to Ara, why’d you invite us?” you ask pointing between Yoongi and you. “In case I chickened out and got scared” Seokjin explains dressed in a suit, Ara made him get ready because they had to get their engagement pictures on a boat. “Why would you have chickened out, we have talked about this on lengths and you knew how I felt about this” Ara says holding Seokjin’s jacket close. “Because the thought of you saying no was scary” Seokjin says looking at Ara lovingly and Yoongi looks you in the eye, he still hasn’t said yes and you too are worried about the thought of him saying no. “Now, let’s get the pictures out of the way because I’m all sweaty” Yoongi brought along his camera, clicking away as the couple gives some loving and silly poses. The heavenly and relaxing trip comes to an end as you touch down in Seoul Monday morning. You’re already dreading your evening shift, “Thanks for bringing me along guys” you say good bye to the group one last time before separating to get your taxi to the hospital. “You make Yoongi fun ___, I’m sorry but we aren’t letting you go anytime soon” Ara says pulling you in for a hug, both of you have already made plans to go shopping after she gets her flu shot at the hospital. “I am plenty fun” things between Yoongi and you have been ever so slightly awkward ever since being cut off yesterday night. “Alright, our parents are waiting at my place for a surprise party” “How is it a surprise party-“ “I get a security alert every time the guest code is used” Seokjin says walking away as Ara enthusiastically waves goodbye. “I have two surgeries today, gotta get some rest” “Yes” Yoongi finally lets it out, he’s been feeling a little sick keeping it in. “Yes what?” you have been a little preoccupied with your calendar to give him all of your focus. “Yes, you are my type ___, you were back when I was 17 and you still are” Yoongi hasn’t always been one for confessions so this sudden confidence is a little shocking to him.

“My god am I stupid,” another day of you complaining to Jihyo and she wanted to smack your head really bad. “So, if I’m not wrong, he told you, you are his type and you replied with a ah, and my cab is here” You bribed Jihyo with yet another cup of coffee to help you through this mess. “You are stupid ___, I don’t think there is any other way out of this other than talking to him” “Yes, that is what I was worried about, in other news it was my first time flying in a private jet, would love to get used to it” you joke trying to make yourself feel less miserable. “You went on a vacation with THE SEOKJIN and THE YOONGI as far as life and achievements, you’ve pretty much achieved them all” Jihyo jokes at your misery, but it was a fun vacation all the confusion aside. “I saw the Seokjin get bit by a crab, makes him very human” “Don’t sully the great Seokjin’s name, now I gotta go. Go home, sleep this off and send him a reasonable text tomorrow morning” she advices putting her mask back on and disappearing. The walk back home kinda helps clear your mind. After multiple mental pro and con lists, you have some rough idea of what to say to Yoongi. “___” calls a familiar voice as you’re about to enter your building. Turning around you find a very covered up Yoongi leaning against his car, has he been waiting for you? “What are you doing here?” “You know when many romantic gestures in a romcom are borderline creepy. I went home, calculated the time by which you’d get off work and have been waiting here for good twenty minutes” he explains meeting you in the middle. “What are you doing here?” you can feel your body warm up with the sudden intensity and intimacy. “I felt like I scared you a little, or maybe I was a little too late, then Jimin told me to stop being a baby and ask you out directly” Yoongi laughs a little at himself, hoping this doesn’t go south. “That still doesn’t answer my question” you are whispering at this point and he gives you the same look Jihyo gives you after you’ve done something stupid. “I’m asking you out you big dummy. And don’t you dare run away with a ah” “I was hoping you didn’t hear that this morning” with your hands over your eyes, you hope to forget that embarrassing memory that won’t stop replaying in your head. “So” he asks keeping his distance yet being close. “Yes” it’s hard not to mirror Yoongi bright smile. “Ah, my cab is here” he walks away for a second and you can feel your heart in your mouth till you realise he’s joking. “I am not afraid to kill you and strategically make it look like an accident” this doesn’t scare Yoongi a bit, asking you out was the scary part. “How romantic”

“So, back when Namjoon would force me to have group study at your dinky dorms it was because of you” Yoongi had been retelling all the events of past, with the truth of course. “Yes ___, I was waiting for you to catch a hint after the 10th time, I was too afraid to ask you out, you didn’t do anything so nothing happened” Yoongi had put on a nice jacket for this actual first date, looking sharp as ever. “Yoongi you were a cool rapper who made music, you were totally out of my league” he brought you to a nice restaurant which was empty before you guys arrived. “I think you’re remembering it all wrong, my hair was enough to make me not cool” Yoongi had been a different kind of charming all night, you were oddly comfortable yet nervous. “Yeah, the hair was stupid but I was willing to look past it, and now you’re a pretty blond” you tease him still now adjusted to his new hair color. “You get tattoo’s when you’re feeling impulsive, I get my hair coloured” there were five plates of pasta on the table, you were on a date, this might be what heaven feels like. “I’m thinking of getting another one, a finger tattoos this time” you say rubbing your index finger. “I’ve always wanted to get one, but every time, I didn’t go through it” Yoongi rubs his forehead, and from all the noticing you’ve done, it’s a nervous tick. “Do you have any idea about what you want it to be?” “I was thinking of getting a music beat of my first song above my elbow” you keep on jumping from one topic to another all night, and your face hurts from all the smiling you’ve been doing.

“So, how’d I do?” Yoongi asks stopping the car below your place. “You did amazing, pasta and wine, you know how to impress a lady” “Remember few weeks ago when I asked you to come over, I made pasta and there was wine too, that was supposed to be out first date if I had said it explicitly” Yoongi says hitting his head on the steering wheel. “I was too scared to ask you if it was a date, we were having a great time and I didn’t want to ruin it” you confess pushing your hair behind your ears. “So, when I ask you out to a second date, please know that it is a date” he jokes and you nod enthusiastically, already excited and nervous for what’s to come. “How about I plan the next one, you did take me on a trip to Jeju and made zero moves” Yoongi is used to the high of adrenaline, being on stage every other day, but nothing compares to how he feels right now. “That’d be fun, but nothing public. I don’t want anyone finding or harassing you” “I keep forgetting that you’re famous, maybe because you don’t act famous” Yoongi doesn’t know if this is a compliment or not. “What does that mean” “One expects people to change after exposure to the kind of fame and money you have, you don’t have to tell me, I googled you guys, HARD. But somehow, you’re still the same” “There you go, one second pulling my leg, complimenting me the other, how’d you do that” “That’s the part of my charm Yoongi” you say patting his arm. “I like that”

Namjoon had been pestering about hanging out, but he keeps forgetting that him being on vacation doesn’t mean you are too. You finally give in on a Friday morning, watching him talk on and on about a new art installation. “So, when did you develop taste?” you ask walking behind him sipping on the coffee that he picked up. “I was always interested in art, just never had the resources to enjoy it” Namjoon had made up his mind before he came here, he was going to buy a piece at least, to decorate his new office. “So, when did you start dating Yoongi hyung?” he teases turning around to watch your reaction. “I don’t know if we are dating yet” “So, you guys haven’t been intimate yet” he says in a flat tone and you gag a little. “Just say sex and no we haven’t we’re taking it slow” “Excuse me for trying to be decent, so how’s taking it slow” “Very sexually frustrating” you sigh as Namjoon marvels at an artwork while you stare at it blankly. “How long has it been for you-“ “Six months” “Woah” this is when Namjoon finally starts giving you all your attention, he’s lost all his hope about this exhibition now. “Why?” he whispers like he’s talking about something forbidden. “Because I moved to Seoul six months ago and it’s been fucking busy” you push him along not letting him stop and ask even more pointing questions. “So, just do it?” he asks like you haven’t been up thinking about this at all. “Well, I always make the move, but he just sits there looking at me, maybe he’s not attracted to me, maybe he asked me out because his previous infatuation resurfacing-“ “He mailed me lyrics for ten songs just after your first dates, and believe me the lyrics were graphic about how your eyes shine like the ocean on a full moon” Namjoon is almost a little frustrated by the emails he’s been getting from Yoongi at odd times. “Okay, then why isn’t he making a move” you sigh frustratedly, trying not to blush as hard as you are. “Because, Yoongi hyung is shy and you should be really talk about this with him and not me” It actually turned out to be a fun day for Namjoon once you stopped talking about your dry sex life. Wasn’t so fun for you, because you realised two things, maybe you aren’t refined enough to understand art, second, what is up with Yoongi and his lack of sexual interest in you. For gods’ sake, four dates and the most action you got was a kiss on the forehead, not that that wasn’t sweet. You followed Namjoon back to his studio, bringing along some dinner for Yoongi while he works on some project. “So, are you going to talk to him?” Namjoon leading you to Yoongi’s studio, it’s your first time here and god is this a complex building. “No, I am going to do something” you had formulated a little plan, and Namjoon makes a weird face. “Just never tell me about it” Namjoon jogs away from you as soon as he enters the pass code to Yoongi’s studio. Yoongi is a little startled to see you here, but in a happy way. “Hey?” before he can stand up, you sort of leap into his lap, and plaster a big kiss on his lips. He doesn’t pull away, feeling something takeover himself, he straddles you a little, biting your lip for entry. Foreheads touching, hands entangled, you continue to make out like horny teenagers for a while till it’s absolutely necessary to take a breather. “So, you know how to kiss” you smack his arm a little, and he just looks at you with confusion. “Of course I do” he says leaning in for a kiss but you duck away, “Then why didn’t you make a move or something” you cry out, “Because last night when I tried to make a move, you shuddered-“ “It’s because your hands were fucking cold” you shout, glad to have this cleared. “Alright, so can I kiss you some more?” he cries out this time, his cold hands snaking under your t-shirt, you don’t shudder this time. “Yes please” he smiles against your lips as you mess up his hair. “Yoongi?” you whisper his name, feeling his heart beat on your back. “Hm?” he asks still catching his breath. “Moving forward, I’d like if you were more vocal, I know you’re the shy mysterious type, but I’d like to know what’s going on in your head” you ask turning around in his arms to face him. “Alright, and let me tell you how spectacular you were a few minutes ago, didn’t know you were so flexible” he teases you leaving a soft kiss on your naked shoulder. “Well thank you, also your tongue-“ “I know I started this but please stop” Yoongi says hiding his flush red face in your shoulder. “On the note of me being more vocal, I’d like it if you were my girlfriend” he asks with a shy smile, not able to meet your eyes. “I’d like that” you can’t believe the both of you are shy, blubbering messes after what you spent doing the last hour. “So, boyfriend, I am going to hop into the shower to clean up and stuff” you sit up putting on Yoongi’s discarded t-shirt. “Would you like to join me?” you ask in a soft voice standing up and offering him a hand. “If I ever say no to that, check me for a fever”

It had been a busy few weeks, while you had back-to-back shifts at the hospital, Yoongi was away in LA for business. He whined and whined about bringing you along but one, you had work and second, he had work. Walking back to your place, you feel your phone vibrate and pick up the video call immediately. “Hello handsome!” you greet him opening the door to your apartment. Yoongi fixes his hair one last time before walking away to show you his complete outfit. “I am sitting in with Samsung in a few hours, do I look professional enough” “Aren’t famous people not supposed to care about what they look like, they let their art speak for itself-“ “Babe, these sneakers don’t make me look childish do they?” he pleads his hand massaging his hair. “Like I said before, you look handsome” he’d started to replace your name with babe a few weeks ago, and it never not makes your heart flutter. “So, tell me about your day now” he asks sipping on his coffee in his massive and very empty hotel room while you reheat your dinner. “The same old, surgeries, checking up with patients, had lunch with my mom and now I will eat dumplings for dinner” you wish you could take a few days off, but with the backlog and waiting at the hospital it seems impossible. “Lunch with your mom? How’s she?” you were hoping for him to not focus on this and he does exactly that. “She’s here for a few weeks, something on my step-father’s side of the family” you weren’t particularly keen on discussing your mother tonight. “I am also meeting up with Ara tomorrow, she wants me to help pick a dress for their engagement party” that had been something you’d been looking forward all week. “I was a little shocked when she asked my help, we aren’t that close” you talk with your moth full of dumplings. “She just wants to be friends with you, after all you are pretty fun and amazing” Yoongi has this natural way of complimenting you, that never seems to not make you blush. “Or maybe she’s feeling me out, I am his friend’s girlfriend after all” you ponder more to yourself as Yoongi walks around his room cleaning up. “That doesn’t sound like Ara, but have fun tomorrow, I gotta go” You dressed up pretty fancy expecting Ara to lead you designer stores, but instead you spent the day street shopping in Hongdae, fun nonetheless. She had a clear idea of what kind of dress and she found her very romantic little white dress. “The fried chicken here is like nothing I’ve had before” Ara had been raving about this place the complete time, and it really was amazing. “This, things like these are what make life worth living” you wipe some beer off your lips and sigh with satisfaction. “Hey, so I’ve been meaning to ask you something” you had been distractedly jumping from one topic to another all thought dinner, but this had Ara giving you all her attention. “We aren’t that close, why share today with me?” You get straight to the point, Ara leans back thinking for a second before answering. “I don’t have a lot of girlfriends” she stops talking for a second to take a big sip of her beer. “Not to sound cocky but most women view me as competition, so I’ve never been able to form meaningful female friendships” Ara isn’t usually the type to get vulnerable with someone, but she is today. “That’s understandable, but I am warning you, I can be a pretty annoying friend” You joke a little to lighten the mood and Ara bursts out laughing, nodding along. “Did you get some, no not some, home. Did you get home” You talk a little loudly with Ara over the phone as you stumble into your apartment. “Yes, I did now I am going to get some because my very handsome fiancé waiting for me in the bathtub” Ara talks in a higher pitch clearly a little inebriated. “Lucky you, I’m going to fall asleep in my cold bed-“ “No you aren’t” Yoongi’s voice booms from the other side of the room and you shriek almost dropping your phone. “Jesus fucking christ, what in the world are you, wait are you a part of my drunk imagination-“ You reach over to confirm your dream and he grabs a tight hold of you, capturing your lips immediately. Confirming that he indeed is very real, Yoongi holds you tight by your waist, his tongue teasing you a little. “But, um, you weren’t going to be here till Monday-“ “I flew in early for our three month anniversary” he leans his forehead against yours, almost like he’s tired and in need for sleep. You look at him with eyes full of love, just catching every piece of him, not able to convince you that he is indeed real. “What’d I do to deserve you?” you get a little emotional holding him close, Yoongi doesn’t know how to respond but he knows how to hold you tight, letting you know just how much he missed you.

“If we’re celebrating tonight, I can give you your present tonight, I guess” You muffle into his chest and he pushes you away immediately, excited for his present. “What could it be?” he lights up immediately, looking around your house for clues. “I’ll be back with it, why don’t you open us a bottle of wine” you walk away from him a little excited, picking up the bag of your today’s purchases. Yoongi hums a little to himself, suddenly not feeling tired at all. With two weeks of not seeing each other, Yoongi was excited to be home. Sipping on a chewy cabernet, Yoongi is lounging on the sofa as you delicately walk into the room. Yoongi’s eyes lock with you immediately, and he intently watches as you drop your bathrobe, revealing the pink, rhinestone studded lingerie set that barely covers you. “What’d I do to deserve you?” Yoongi sighs lovingly, his hand over his heart.

Things were good, suspiciously good. Yoongi was back to touring, so you were seeing him less than you’d like to, but the relationship made you happy in ways you didn’t imagine. It was exciting and comfortable at the same time, something you’ve never experienced before. You were about to get done with your shift when you found Jihyo struggling to get something from the storage room. “Here, let me help you” you brought a ladder and moved up to fetch her some pills. On your third step down, you slip a little landing straight on the floor and landing on your right side. Jihyo is quick on her feet, helping you up and checking you for any injuries calmly. “Do you feel dizzy” she asks as you’re led to a bed. “Not really, my back hurts and I have a mild migraine” “I feel so sorry, you got hurt helping me” Jihyo breaks down a little while you wait to get an x-ray “Hey, it could have happened to you” you turn towards her, groaning with pain. “Can you do me a favour, text Yoongi and let him know that I can’t make dinner” You barely hand her your phone with your hurt arm, you have definitely broken your arm. “Okay” she takes a hold of your phone while you’re wheeled to get your x-ray. Yoongi had just landed in Seoul after finishing their Asia leg of the tour, he was tired beyond limits and all he could think about was the home cooked meal ___ promised him. They had been talking and texting constantly but nothing came close to actually having her in his arms. “It’s so hot these days” Jungkook comments taking his car keys from the manager, while the rest preferred to be driven home after tiring schedules, Jungkook preferred driving himself to relax a little. “What are your plans for the week?” Yoongi asks watching Jungkook load his luggage. He’s about to answer when Yoongi’s phone rings loudly, he smiles a little picking up ___’s call. “I just landed-“ “Hello, I’m ___’s co-worker Jihyo, she fell down a ladder and she says she can’t make dinner” Jihyo had been panicking a little sitting in the waiting room. The color drains from Yoongi’s face and Jungkook takes notice. “Is she severely hurt?” he asks his voice cracking a little. “She’s getting her x-ray done right now, but from the looks of it she might have broken her arm” Jihyo tries to calmly explain but she can’t hide her panic. “Alright, I’ll be at the hospital soon” Yoongi quickly explains the situation to Jungkook as they drive to the hospital, given that it’s the middle of the night they thankfully don’t encounter any traffic, getting to the hospital quickly. Rushing in, they find Jihyo waiting for them by the entrance, wordlessly they find the room you’re lying awake in. Yoongi rushes to you, checking you for bruises or anything, “Where’s the doctor?” he panics and asks Jihyo. “They’re going to be here soon with the x-rays” you try and calm Yoongi down, with a death grip on his hand. “I’m not that hurt, the pain is mild” You try and calm him some more while you can hear Jihyo sobbing in the background. “Jungkook, why don’t you get Jihyo some water” Jungkook nods along, helping in the ways that he can. Once it’s just you two, Yoongi delicately holds your face and checks for signs again. “I’m not that hurt, I swear” he’s starting to catch his breath a little. Outside Jungkook wordlessly follows Jihyo as she finds them a vending machine. The hospital is hauntingly quite during the night, which only makes her feel even more scared. They find a bench by the room as Jungkook watches her sip on some water, “___ will be fine, modern medicine has developed a lot” this makes Jihyo chuckle a little, “If I weren’t panicking so much about ___ being hurt, I would have the energy to panic about you comforting me” Jihyo takes another big sip in order to calm her nerves. “Last time I saw you, you did panic tho, all I did was say your hoodie was cute” Jungkook remembers Jihyo quite well given the single interaction. “My heart feels like it’s going to jump out” Jungkook knows a thing that has helped him calm his nerves a million times, and he does just that holding his hands in hers. “With

me, take five deep breaths, okay?” he asks checking up on her and all she does is nod hoping it helps. With each count, Jihyo can feel her heart beat slow, yet he hands feel sweaty. By the time, Jungkook gets to one Jihyo can see the doctor walking towards the room and she hastily stands up following along. “Okay so your right arm has swelled quite a bit but the pain levels have gone down, right?” the doctor asks poking slightly into the bruised arm. “Thankfully for the baby, you haven’t broken any bones and you aren’t concussed so we won’t need a CT Scan” the doctor continues explaining while Yoongi looks at the doctor in shock. “Baby, what baby?” he asks and it starts dawning on you. “We have to check for pregnancy before an x-ray and ___ is pregnant” the doctor explains and you can feel the sickness take over you. “So, um, I’m pregnant?” you try and clarify and the doctor calmly nods checking your arm. “I’ve prescribed an ointment for the swelling, but come visit me if it doesn’t get better” there’s pin drop silence in the room, as the four of you process the massive news. Yoongi hasn’t said something in quite a while and it’s starting to scare you. “We’ll give you guys some space” “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” you cry out as reality starts to set in, you turn towards Yoongi to find tears streaming down his face. “We’re pregnant, I’m going to be a father” he’s talking more to himself, and you can’t help but let the emotions take over you too.

It had been a week since you found out you were pregnant, and the reality had started catching up on you. While Yoongi joyously cried every time he kissed you, you fell deeper into a depressive episode over thinking everything. You make up your mind last night, you had to talk to Yoongi. “Hey, can we talk about something?” you ask Yoongi as he’s finishing up the last of his coffee. “Everything okay?” Yoongi had been overcautious the past week, it’s sweet and heart breaking at the same time. “Yes, I just wanted to talk about something” it’s hard to bring this up, knowing it’s going to shatter him. “We never got to talking about kids, because we’ve only been dating six months. But I never planned to have kids, they just were never a part of my plan” you lay it out straight forwardly, Yoongi goes pale again, not expecting this. “So, um what does that mean” he asks too scared to draw conclusions. “Yoongi, I love you, some days in ways I’ve never experienced before, and I want you to be my end game, but I just don’t think I can be a mother” it was just something you’d decided early on, Yoongi can feel the rage take over him, and he tries really hard to contain it. “So, what exactly is the conclusion to this” “Abortion” Yoongi takes a deep breath, in attempts to compose himself and not make things worse than they are. “___ life throws curve balls sometimes, everything doesn’t always go according to a plan. Maybe it’s one of those situations where you rethink your previous principals” he holds your hands, trying to convince you. “But this isn’t a revers-able decision Yoongi, if I bring that child into this world, it's going to be forever bound to me. I don’t want that sort of burden” Yoongi can hear his phone going off in the background, probably his manager to get him to work. Yoongi doesn’t want to walk away from this discussion but he can’t cancel on work. “____ I get that you have strong feelings about this, but hasn’t the thought of sharing this experience changed your view on it. You won’t be alone with it, I’ll always be there, right beside you” he holds your face in his hands as the tears stream down. There are loud knocks on the apartment door, indicating the emergency of it all, he stands up contemplating for a while. “Can we press pause this conversation for two hours, I’ve been cancelling on work all of last week and I just can’t anymore” Yoongi please and just sob even louder. “How would we support a child working like this, you are barely in the country with work and tour, I can only do so much” this had been one of the major points bugging you. Even if you gave up your work to raise a child, Yoongi would only be around so little. “Don’t you have some faith in me ___, don’t you think I’d adjust my life for a child and you” he talks as he gets ready to leave. “I don’t want you to give up on your career Yoongi, I don’t want to give up on my career” you plead as Yoongi gets red with anger. “I won’t be giving up anything ___” “You think that Yoongi, maybe at first it will be a nice change, but over time you will only come to loathe me-“ “___ before we burn bridges we can’t ever repair, I’ll be back in two hours” he slams the door on his way out and you sit their not knowing what to do next. Ara doesn't know how to console you, she feels bad enough about this. “I’m so sorry barge in on your day, you should go” you called Ara after a moment of weakness. “I’m not leaving you, but I do have a suggestion” “Tell me” you plead not knowing where to go next. “Talk to your mother, she’s been a mother, she could help you” you ponder for a moment before dialing her number, hoping she picks up. Yoongi was red as he walked into the theater, knowing they were going to be filmed all he could do was drink some water and pretend like his life isn’t falling around himself. Jungkook approaches him, being the only one in the group who knows about the pregnancy yet. “You look sick” “I feel like I might die” Yoongi says as the lights go off and they get ready to watch the documentary. It was an hour of Yoongi sitting numb, fighting with the demons in his head, not paying any attention to the documentary. It’s not until he hears your voice boom in the theater, he had missed quite a bit of your interview but he caught the important parts, “What about Yoongi, you mentioned you guys were friend too?” the interviewer asks and it’s for you to hide your blushing face. “The first time I met Yoongi, he offered me an ear phone and we listened to his music for hours. We both had a difficult relationship with our family back in the day, so we understood each other’s pain and confusion. He has comforted me a lot with his friendship and music over the years” you stop talking on the video wiping a tear. “We were struggling kids back then, with our own baggage, and we’re better or worse in some ways now, but Yoongi made life easier back then and he still continues to. In a way I understand when people say bts’s music comforts them, after all it’s made by such comforting people” the intense emotions in the room make you laugh a little, trying to lighten the situation. The screen goes black, and the credits start rolling soon, Yoongi knows he’s thinking with his heart when he removes the mic pack and rushes out the room. He’s driving back home like a madman, desperately wanting to make it all right with you. He can hear your sobs as he gingerly walks into his apartment, from the sound of it you’re talking to someone on the phone.

“Mom, did you regret having Seong Ho and I?” it’s been a while since you said your brother’s name out loud, and it hurts just the same. “No, I didn’t, I always wanted to be a mother, just not at 17. I regretted marrying your father. I regret not saving Seong Ho,” she sighs as you wipe your nose a little. “We never talked about this before, why now?” “I’m six weeks pregnant” you can hear your mother squealing on the other side, this might be the first time you’re actually happy about the pregnancy too. “Isn’t it good news?” she asks and you think about it too. “I don’t know how to feel yet, I never imagined myself being a mother after how you and dad unraveled after Seong Ho’s death” it was a tumultuous time that haunts you every now and then. “I can’t afford to lose Yoongi mom, it hurts me how much I love him” you sob into Yoongi’s hoodie that you’d been holding on for a while. “___, we failed as parents with your brother, he had access to all the drugs because of your father, we were bound to unravel after something that traumatic because out roots weren’t solid” you’ve never talked about any of this with your mother, and it’s just so hard. “I didn’t know that dad-“ “Of course you didn’t, I didn’t want you to lose your father right as you lost your brother, but he wasn’t a good man ___. That’s the reason we didn’t work out” you can hear your mother sniffle on the other side and it just breaks your heart. “Do you think Yoongi is a good man? Do you think he’s going to be your side through thick and thin? Do you think Yoongi is willing to do anything and everything for you and the baby?” your mother asks and you look up to find Yoongi sitting opposite you, waiting for your answer. “Yes, he always finds a way to reassure me, a way to let me know how much he loves and cares for me” you say looking straight at Yoongi as he bits his lip, “You’re going to be a mother weather or not it works out with Yoongi, I know how much you wanted to be a mother before I tainted it for you” your mother speaks faintly and you break into a loud sob, Yoongi can’t not comfort you. He jumps ahead and holds you tighter in his arms, hoping to take all this pain away. “I did, I do want to be a mother” you tell your mother but you’re more talking to Yoongi now.

Summer came and went as things got easier, and your baby bump started to show. Yoongi ceased to amazed you every day, you knew he was going to be a great father. “It’s strange seeing Yoongi hyung not drink coffee” Jimin comments as he hands everyone a cup of coffee. Everyone decided to travel out of Seoul and enjoy the last taste of summer. “It’s a simple rule, if ___ can’t have or do anything because of the pregnancy, I don’t do it” Yoongi says smiling and reaching for your hand. “You know I don’t want you doing this right-” “We’re not having this discussion again” Yoongi leaves the table but not before plastering a big kiss on your forehead. “You are insufferable” Namjoon grumbles besides you, he’s not really in the most chipper mood for this vacation. “You weren’t supposed to be on this vacation, actually none of you were supposed to be on this vacation” Yoongi had planned this getaway for just the two of you, but Namjoon was miserable and everyone just tagged along, even Jihyo who was in her own bubble while everyone had their breakfast. “___ isn’t whining for her pregnancy, why hasn’t Yoongi stopped whining yet” Ara had been holding her head the entire morning, they had too much to drink last night. “He’s allowed to whine, that’s what makes him cute” you say out loud watching as Yoongi smiles to himself cutting you some fruit and you hear Ara, Namjoon and Jimin gag. “I agree with Namjoon hyung, you guys are insufferable” Jimin sides with Namjoon, but all you can do is watch as the love of your life threaten Namjoon and Jimin to leave. “So, are they dating yet” Ara whispers to you as you watch Jungkook watch Jihyo eating her toast. “Last I asked, they’re just friends who like to hang out but then I saw Jungkook drop her off the next day” you giggle watching Jungkook pick off some crumbles off Jihyo’s face. “Almost like they spent the night together” Ara laughs manically, formulating a plan in her head. “Jungkook, we’re all too hungover for the trek we planned, how about the girls have a little spa day and the boys go fishing-“ “NOO” Jungkook and Yoongi shout at the same time startling everyone and Jimin leaves, too hungover for this. “Well, I understand Yoongi’s no but why are you-“ “Why do you understand Yoongi’s no” you ask Ara and she panics but gets into lawyer mode quickly. “Well, Yoongi wants to spend quality time with his child bearing girlfriend but Jungkook, I don’t get” Ara asks a question that makes Jungkook extremely uncomfortable but he isn’t going to let Ara win this time. “Because, I rarely get time to vacation, the people who didn’t drink last night can enjoy it I guess” “People who drink last night are only you and Jihyo” Namjoon joins in on the fun of teasing the youngest. “I guess we are going to enjoy a beautiful sunset” Jungkook answers confidently, like a lot is riding on this. “He’s gotten good at lying” Yoongi whispers to you handing you a big bowl of watermelon.

After an afternoon full of napping, Yoongi woke you up, blabbering about a picnic. “Do we really have to, I prefer napping” you sigh getting ready before going out. “I brought my camera, we have to get some cute pictures now that you’re showing” he says patting your belly, Yoongi was way too excited when you started showing, but now at the fourth month it looked more like a pregnant belly rather than a bloated one. “Alright.” It was around mid-July so the trees had started to change the color, making it look straight out of a fairy tale. You squeal as the pretty picnic Yoongi set up on a huge outdoor dining table. “Namjoon blabbered, didn’t he” you’d been taking to Namjoon about taking a picnic in Summer a few days ago. “More or less” Yoongi doesn’t look at you, making sure everything on the table is perfect. Yoongi had been shooting and clicking a lot today, like he wanted to preserve everything about today. After a few too much food and few too many photos, Yoongi brings you ahead to catch the sunset, cradling both your hands. “You’re being weird today” he’s been a little off even since the afternoon when he didn’t want to nap together. “I’ve just had something on my mind” he says reaching for his jacket pocket and something clicks in his brain. “I can’t believe after all this planning I forgot the ring” he whispers mindlessly before realizing what he’s saying. “YOU ARE PROPOSING!” you squeal and he looks away disappointed. “WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!! I PLANNED THIS FOR A WEEK, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT” he whines stomping around but you can’t help but laugh. “Yoongi, I’d marry you with a twig ring” you say tying a twig and handing it to him. Excited again, he gets on his knee, recomposing himself. “___ I am completely blanking right now” he sighs looks at you excitedly. “But I do know if love is a word big enough to encapsulate all the feelings I have for you. You keep me on my heels, you tease me, make fun of me, make my life beautiful in ways I never expected to, always root for me, you’re my best friend and I’m glad that the universe worked in its mysterious ways for us to be together. But I know you’re it for me, you’re my forever, you’re going to be the mother of our child-“ this makes you laugh and cry a little as you hold onto his hand. “Will you marry me?” he lets it all out and you’re the one blanking this time, not believing that this is happening for real. His eyes grow twice their size with panic, you’re about to say yes when you feel the first kick. Yoongi notices the movement and looks at you with shock. “He kicked” you state the obvious holding your belly. “HE?” Yoongi asks incredulously and you nod with excitement. “The doctor told me the other day, I was going to surprise you-“ the baby interrupts and kicks again and Yoongi jumps around with excitement. “I still don’t have an answer” Yoongi looks at you with glassy eyes and you shake your head saying yes, a thousand times. Saying yes to your forever. The serene moment of just getting engaged doesn’t last long before Namjoon shouts from the bungalow, “Can we come and hug you now” “I want to see my godchild kicking” Ara shouts too as they start walking towards you. This isn’t how you imagined life to turn out, surrounded by friends, in love, smiling, happy, content, pregnant, you got lucky.

#bts #bts fic #bts one shot #bts idol au #bts fan fic #bts fanfics #bts fanfction #bts fluff #min yoongi #min yoongi fics #min yoongi smut #min yoongi fluff #kpop #kpop fanfic #yoongi fanfic #bts x reader #yoongi x reader #namjoon x reader #bts x oc #fanfiction

[atlabeth]

nightmares - mike munroe x reader

summary: It was a deal made by two almost-friends in the early hours of the morning after the worst night of their lives, when they realized that all they really had left was each other.

a/n: so this is once again. not my normal content but ive been on an until dawn kick lately and fell in love w the characters all over again. i dont know if anyone still reads or writes for this fandom but. here u go. enjoy

warning(s): lots of cursing, canon typical violence, mentions of graphic violence/death (but nothing too descriptive), mentioned depression, insomnia, and alcoholism, some heavy themes but its hurt/comfort so it ends in fluff

wc: 4.8k

You were running.

You were running, and it was freezing — fuck, it was freezing.

You knew your surroundings; how could you ever forget? Every fucking moment on the goddamn mountain was engraved into your mind for what you assumed would be the rest of your life, an assumption that had since been proven correct.

And now, against your will, you were back. Of course you were back.

A shudder ran through your whole body as that all-too-familiar screech rang out behind you, each second of it like nails on a chalkboard in the worst way. Your lungs burned like all hell but you couldn’t stop — if you stopped, you were as good as dead.

Some part of this fucked up thing was almost funny. Humans were always boasting about how they were the top of the food chain, how they were the height of evolution. There was nothing to keep an ego in check like being hunted by a supernatural creature.

Any thoughts of bullshit philosophy were dashed from your mind as you took a hard right, nearly falling over from the sharp curve of the mountain but just able to catch yourself. Your heart was thundering in your chest, the beats nearly lining up with your sprinting. You felt an intense urge to turn around, try and gauge your chances, but the thought of slowing down for even a second terrified you. It’s not like you needed to anyways — you knew exactly what was after you.

You were nearing the end of your road, both literally and figuratively. You stumbled over a tree root, your hands splayed out in front of yourself at just the right angle to keep your momentum going and, in some feat of luck, stay upright and running.

But your luck had just run out.

Your senses were proven correct as the harrowing cliff edge came into view, and a thousand things screamed in your mind at once as your demise stared you right in the eye. You barely managed to catch yourself, very much aware that the snow falling into the void could’ve just as well been you.

That fucking screech again, even closer than before, and you whipped around as you took an instinctive step back. Your hands patted around everywhere, searching for something to defend yourself, but you had nothing. No gun, knife, even the ground around you was devoid of rocks.

You had nothing. You had nothing to defend yourself from this goddamn nightmare creature, and you were going to die.

Your eyes darted around wildly in an attempt to find something, anything, to save yourself, but there was nothing. You took another step back and felt your foot slip, your breath catching as you barely managed to save yourself with a twist and a lunge away from the edge. The shock of the ground and the cold against your skin was just enough to remind yourself that you were actually alive. Another pile of snow mimicked the fate that seemed imminent as it trickled over the side of the cliff, and you screwed your eyes shut as you tried to shut your mind up.

Think, goddammit, if you wanted to get off of this fucking mountain you had to think—

The screech that pierced through the night sky was far too close for comfort, and as your head snapped back towards the woods you swore that your heart stopped beating.

It had caught up. You were out of time you were going to die but you didn’t have anything and you were going to fucking die—

A flash of white pushed off a tree and lunged towards you, teeth bared as it emitted that horrible screech. You didn’t even have time to scream, completely frozen in place as one clawed hand reached your neck, and you braced for the moment of release.

You shot up in your bed, breathing rapid and unsteady with a barely contained cry on the edge of your lips as your hand instinctively flew to your neck. You heaved an almost strangled sigh of relief to know that your head was still attached to your body (it might’ve seemed obvious, but… your head wasn’t exactly on straight at the moment, all jokes aside) and collapsed against the headboard.

You ran your hands across your face as you tried in vain to calm yourself down, ultimately having to turn on your lamp to ease your troubled mind that there was nothing going thump in the night.

It had been this same routine almost every night — horrible nightmare, wake up crying or screaming or both, and start the day at 3 am because you couldn’t fall back asleep.

It was exhausting. You were exhausted.

You knew you couldn’t go on like this, but what choice did you have? Therapy had been mandated by the police for a certain amount of time after the incident, but… it’s not like it had helped. How could it, when no one truly knew what you had gone through?

Well… that wasn’t completely accurate.

One person knew what you were going through, and you hadn’t said as much as one word to him since that night. You didn’t really… know what to say.

Hey. I know we’re not all that close, but I’m sorry your girlfriend and all your friends were killed by a Wendigo and that I made it instead. Hope you’re not going insane with grief. I’ll send you a card at Christmas!

...yeah. You had no idea what to say to him after months of no contact.

The relationship you had with Mike Munroe was a strange one, to say the least.

None of you were the same after that night on the mountain. The horrors of the mines would be forever entrenched in your head, flashes of the Wendigos appearing every time you closed your eyes. You and Mike were the only ones who made it off, and the guilt you carried everywhere was a burden you knew you couldn’t shoulder. And even after the physical scars had faded, you knew the mental ones never would.

Sometimes you wondered how you had even managed to get involved with the group in the first place — bonds that had been made in your freshman and sophomore years had somehow managed to stay strong enough throughout the rest of high school, strong enough to cement your spot in the friend group and the yearly lodge visits. You liked them all well enough, enough to go up to an isolated mountain with them for a weekend or so, but… yeah. Sometimes you did wonder what the hell you were doing with them.

But now?

Now, you would give almost anything to hear Sam’s laugh or one of her compliments, or tease Ashley and Chris about their very obvious feelings; hell, you found yourself missing Matt’s useless football facts. And even though Emily and Jessica weren’t always the nicest, you still had managed to worm your way into their hearts. Knowing that you would never get Emily’s brutal but helpful advice or get dragged to a football game by Jessica again?

If someone had told you the difference between life-long trauma and a completely normal existence was that blonde girl with the braids in your biology class, you might’ve thought a little harder before accepting that party invite.

The days after you were rescued from the mountain passed in a daze, questions and interrogations from police never sticking for too long. And it didn’t even feel like it mattered, the way none of them seemed to believe you.

They kept you separated from Mike throughout the whole process, and you were only able to catch glances of him when you were being transferred to different rooms throughout the long process. It really was like something out of a horror movie — a group of teens go up to a lodge in the woods, and only two return with a story of unspeakable horrors — and rather than try and work out what had happened, they seemed intent on pinning the deaths on you and Mike.

As if you weren’t dealing with enough after watching your friends get murdered by the monster of another friend, the people that were supposed to be helping you were instead trying to charge you with them. If it wasn’t so fucking infuriating, it would’ve been laughable.

The worst part? You could hardly blame them.

When you took a second to listen to yourself, to what you were spouting to the police, you sounded insane. If you hadn’t witnessed it all first hand, you wouldn’t have believed yourself.

You told them to go down to the mines. That the thing that killed your friends would be down there, and they could see it for themselves.

You didn’t know if that was the right choice. Hell, you might’ve been sending those cops to their deaths. But it was the only way you could think of to get them to believe you.

(You doubted they would go down there anyways. What was the word of two crazy college kids over actual logic? Not much, you imagined.)

You were in that damn interrogation room for what felt like forever until you were finally taken to a hospital to get your wounds treated. But even in the hospital bed, police were by your side asking about what happened every day of your stay. After your discharge, you were forced into custody until they got information that they deemed satisfactory.

By some miracle, you and Mike weren’t charged with anything. The news might’ve gotten hold of your story, but you didn’t know. You didn’t want to know. You didn’t ever look at the news after the tragedy, too afraid that you would see the smiling faces of your friends staring back at you, or pictures of you and Mike with news anchors trying to talk about how involved the two of you were.

If there was one thing worse than going through hell, it was other people trying to make a profit off of your spiral.

Your friends’ families offered their condolences, but not much else. You didn’t hold it against them. Your survivor’s guilt was strong enough to know exactly why they didn’t reach out further.

(You blame yourself for their deaths, after all. Why wouldn’t they?)

It was the same situation with Mike.

Maybe you had purposefully drifted apart from him, trying to build up walls of your own so that he wouldn’t be able to spring it on you first. You assumed he hated you after what had happened, and he had every right to. You might’ve helped each other through the night, but you had no other option. Now, everyone else but you was dead — people he cared about more than you — and you just couldn’t face that.

But as you stared at yourself in your bathroom mirror, you realized that you might have to.

You looked awful.

Weeks of sleepless nights were catching up to you, appearing in the form of

hollow eyes and dark circles, along with a slight discoloration of your skin. The scars from the mountain had mostly healed, but there was a particularly nasty gash on your cheek that was still showing — it wasn’t doing you any favors in the ‘looking completely normal and sane and not severely sleep deprived’ department.

You splashed some water in your face to try and wake up a bit, but the slight drowsiness that followed you everywhere seemed to be a permanent part of you now.

(It was almost funny, in a way. You were so paranoid and alert all the time, unable to fall asleep, and yet it was all you could think about in moments like these. You wondered when irony had become such a staple in your life.)

You had tried talking to therapists, your friends, your family, even searching the internet for advice on what to do after a life changing traumatic event. Nothing had worked.

The simplest solution had come to mind more than once, but you had pushed it aside with the determination to work through this on your own. But now, staring at yourself and seeing how much you had deteriorated…

You had to go talk to the only person who would understand.

~

You had considered turning around more than once on the drive over.

Because, really, what the hell were you doing? Showing up at his doorstep in the middle of o dark thirty because— because what?

Because you had a nightmare?

He had gone through the same thing you had, probably even worse. Losing Jessica right in front of him, having to cut off his fingers to get free, spending countless hours alone, dealing with the nightmare that was the sanatorium, and then…

Well, you had been in the mines with him and Josh when it happened. There was no doubt in your mind that the scene replayed in his head endlessly, just like it did for you.

Showing up… it was going to be a mistake. You knew it was.

For all you knew, Mike had moved on already. He was stronger than you, he always had been. Maybe your presence would send him spiraling once more, or maybe it would just earn you a verbal beating like no other. Mike had always been nice enough, but the trauma you had endured was enough to turn a saint into his own worst enemy.

You didn’t know what would happen. You didn’t know anything, and as you turned down his street you regretted more than ever not keeping in touch with him. Maybe then you wouldn’t be in this situation, scrambling after your last hope for salvation after slowly killing yourself over the past few months.

But there was no chance to turn back now, because before you knew it your knuckles were rapping against his front door.

The pause between your arrival and a response was so long that you considered leaving and pretending like this never happened, but just as you began to step back the door swung open.

You didn’t really know what you were expecting, but… he was there. The only other testament to the horrors of Blackwood Pines, and maybe the only person that could help you through this.

“...hi,” you murmured, swallowing the sudden lump in your throat as you looked the personification of your shame in the eye.

Mike blinked a few times, whether to try and wake up a little or out of surprise from his visitor you didn’t know, but it was a few seconds before he responded in kind. “...hey. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you around.”

You chuckled dryly as you nodded. “Yeah. Sorry for the sudden arrival. I’m, uh… I’m kind of surprised you even opened the door.”

He huffed out a short breath in a facsimile of a laugh. “Not getting much sleep these days.”

“That’s something we’ve got in common.” You crossed your arms across your chest and let out a loose sigh, eyes wandering around in an attempt to think of what to say next. It should’ve been so easy, but… but for some reason, it just wasn’t.

“Guess so.” That awkward silence stretched out once more, neither of you knowing how to fill it. Thankfully, Mike continued to take the plunge, but it wasn’t without a slight barb. “What are you doing here?”

“I—” you stopped just as you had begun, because you really didn’t know. You had come here for help, but could Mike really do that for you? He was the same as you — a fucked up teenager trying to deal with something so far beyond him.

“I don’t know,” you admitted as you made eye contact once more. “I… I really don’t know. I’m out of options, and… I can’t keep going like this. So I came here to talk, or— or to try and get some help. I don’t know.”

That same silence filled the air once more, the night ambiance the only thing in between the two of you. You missed when that silence used to be comfortable, but… you could only blame yourself for it.

“So— so, what?” he asked, the beginnings of a frown starting to crease his brows. “You just— we go through all that together up there, and then when we get back down you don’t say a word for months. And now— now, out of nowhere, in the middle of the night, you just show up and ask for help?”

“God,” you muttered. When he put it that way, it was true. It was ridiculous, to expect his help after the way you had just left him to deal with it all on his own for a reason borne of your own insecurity. “You’re right. This was— this was stupid. I’m sorry.”

You had already turned to go when you felt a calloused hand on your shoulder, causing you to stop in your tracks.

“No.” His voice was surprisingly soft as he sighed, stepping back with a shake of his head to make room in the doorway. “No, I—” Mike paused for a moment, as if he couldn’t find the right words to say. “I’m sorry. You can come in. Obviously, you can come in.”

Your eyes widened slightly as you tried to hide your shock at the gesture, but you weren’t about to turn it down. You nodded, and he stepped aside to make space for you to walk in. When you did, you were met with a mess not unlike the one back at your apartment, save for the beer bottles. Clothes were strewn about haphazardly on every surface, so you took a seat on a clean spot on the floor, leaning back against a chair and pulling your knees up to your chest. You actually preferred it this way — it was grounding, in a literal sense. Mike pushed aside a laundry basket and did the same, but pulled one leg up and let the other lay extended.

“Why?” he asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had been accumulating once more. “Why did you just…” he gestured around with his hands to try and get his point across but ultimately settled with a sigh. “You didn’t say anything. You didn’t try to text, or call, or write, or— or anything. Hell, I would’ve probably jumped to get a messenger pigeon from you. But it was just… radio silence.”

You picked at the dry skin on your thumbs as you tried to come up with an answer. “I… I don’t know,” you repeated. “It was stupid, and it was horrible of me to leave you alone. I mean… I don’t know why I did it. I know what I’ve been going through, and I know you’ve been going through the same. So I don’t know why I didn’t try to reach out and see how you were doing.”

He chuckled mirthlessly as his eyes swept over the empty bottles that had accumulated on the coffee table. “I’m not the best with alone.”

“I know,” you said quietly. “I thought…” you shook your head as you looked at the ceiling. “I thought that you hated me. I know that you cared about them all more, you were closer to all of them, and… and I thought you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. That I would just always be a reminder of what you lost. And… and, I don’t know. Maybe it was my way of trying to move on. Was a stupid fucking idea, though.”

That got a genuine laugh out of him as he ran a hand through his hair. “I guess I get that. I dunno why I didn’t try to talk to you either. Maybe since you didn’t say anything, I didn’t want to either. This whole thing fucked me up.” His gaze moved to you. “Fucked us both up.”

“You can say that again,” you muttered as you tapped your fingers on your knees. “I can’t look anywhere without seeing them. I mean, I see that fucking…” you grimaced. “I see Josh, and I see what that thing did to him, and I just— I’m right back to step one.”

He swallowed hard and nodded. “...yeah. That was seven layers of fucked up.”

“You can’t just keep saying everything was fucked up,” you said dryly. “It was shitty, too.”

Mike snorted, some kind of slightly masochistic humor going on between the two of you. “Nothing really gets the point across like fucked up.”

“Guess you’re right,” you finally conceded with a small smile. “This is… this is nice. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to… I don’t know, to talk to someone like this.”

“It is,” he murmured.

Another pregnant pause hung in the air, but the silence wasn’t as uncomfortable now. Trickles of what it used to be like, of your old life, were beginning to poke through.

“I never hated you,” he said suddenly. Your eyes flicked up to meet his, and it was like his brown eyes were piercing through you as he continued. “I never did. After it happened… yeah, I was mad. I was fucking pissed, but it was never at you. You were my friend too, y’know? Even though we weren’t that close, we were still… we were still something. And I’m glad you made it. I just wish you hadn’t convinced yourself that you had to go through this alone. Maybe things would’ve turned out different, these past few months. For both of us.”

You nodded, choosing to avert eye contact first because you almost couldn’t handle the sincerity. Your heart sank a bit at the sight of all the beer bottles, and you knew that he was right. Maybe things would’ve been different if the two of you had weathered it together from the start. And so you said that.

“I still can’t help but feel like I’m to blame for—” you gestured around at the mess with a sigh, “for this.”

“Look.” His voice was raspy as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair, and as he met your eyes once more you were able to see how truly exhausted he was. With dark circles that matched your own, scars that were still healing, and a certain hollowness behind his eyes… It was like looking in a mirror. And it made you realize how fucked up the two of you had really become.

Mike had always been good at holding himself together, putting up his signature egotistical-douchebag-jock act in the face of anything that threatened to tear him down, and more often than not he came out victorious. But not even class presidents were immune to the horrors that they had faced, and it was taking more of a toll on him than you had realized.

“It’s not your fault. You— you did everything you could; I know I’m still alive because of you. Besides, we were idiot teenagers — we still are — and none of them deserved to die because of it. Not Hannah, not Beth, not any of them.” Mike shook his head and sighed. “Not even Josh. Man was fucked up even before all of this, but he didn’t deserve what happened to him. He needed help, but instead he got his fucking… god. I can’t even say it. But he didn’t deserve it.”

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, the subconscious process having stopped because of the weight of his words. It was cliche, but you didn’t know how much you needed to hear those four words: it’s not your fault.

“Maybe you should be my therapist,” you joked weakly. But as you let your eyes trail back to Mike you bit your lip. He hadn’t included himself in that statement, and it wasn’t too hard to figure out why.

“Mike… it wasn’t your fault either. You’re not just saying bullshit to try and make yourself feel better, it really wasn’t your fault. What do they say? ‘Getting through your guilt is the first step to recovery’ or some shit? You deserve to be here just as much as I do.”

“But it was,” he insisted. “It’s easy for you to say that. You tried to stop it, I… I just went along with it. Fuck, I started it all. Hannah and Beth went missing because of me, Josh went out of his fuckin’ mind, and if he hadn’t brought us all back up there for his revenge plot then they wouldn’t have died. How is it not my fault? Why do I get to live when all of them died because of me?”

“Mike,” you sighed. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know why we made it back when none of them did, but it’s not your fucking fault, okay? You— yeah, that prank was fucking stupid, but— but how could you know what was going to happen?” You huffed a laugh that was only slightly unhinged. “People pull pranks all the time. Native American legend cannibal spirit things don’t try to kill people all the time. You can’t keep blaming yourself. It’s not going to help them, and it’s not going to help you.”

That silence stretched out once more as he took in your words. You didn’t know if he believed them or not, but you did. That had to be worth something, right?

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” he muttered, breaking the silence once more. “And I… I don’t know. I don’t know why it took almost fucking dying from those goddamn things, a— and seeing what happened to all of them...”

“I don’t know,” he repeated, leaning back against the foot of the sofa. “All the shit that happened, all of them dying — I don’t know how long it’ll take until we’re okay again. Hell, I don’t even know if we ever will be okay again. What happened up there was fucked up in the worst way, and the fact that no one believes us makes it a hell of a lot worse.”

You chuckled darkly as you cupped one hand in the other. “You can say that again.”

His lips twitched for a moment as if he wanted to smile but ultimately thought better of it. “I know we aren’t that close anymore, but the truth is we’re the only ones on this fuckin’ planet that know what really happened up there. We’re the only ones that will ever really understand what happened to us, and… and I think we’re the only ones that can really help each other through this shit.”

He met your eyes once more, something resolute in them. “So the next time this happens, because it will, if you don’t want to be alone… you can come here. Any time, any day, no questions asked. Just knock on that door, and I will be there. No more isolation, no more trying to get through this on our own. We gotta be there for each other, because we’re all we have.”

You nodded gratefully, a feeling of warmth slowly creeping through your body with his reassurance. “Thank you, Mike. You… you have no idea what this means to me.”

“I think I have some clue,” he murmured.

As you exchanged weary smiles, you saw a faint twinkle in Mike’s eyes. He was always the kind of person to help others, even if it was for the wrong reasons, and that was one thing that stuck with him after the disaster. And in that moment, a long lost feeling washed over you — safety.

You hadn’t felt safe in… well, it seemed like forever. Adrenaline and pure instinct were responsible for getting you through those twelve hours, along with an overwhelming wave of numbness and denial. But once all of that wore off, the nightmares had begun. Your friends, the Wendigos, the mountain itself — anything and everything that your mind could use against you, it did.

It was a living hell. You could hardly ever sleep anymore, horrific images always jolting you awake after an hour or two and keeping you awake for the rest of the day. It was no wonder Mike had ended up with a drinking problem — it was probably the only way he could sleep, the only way he could bring some form of peace to his mind. By some miracle, you had avoided that fate, but… you would be lying if you said you hadn’t come close.

But somehow, for some reason, you could tell that things were going to be different. Now that you and Mike weren’t avoiding each other anymore in the name of painful memories… you felt like things were going to be okay. Or as close to okay as you could get these days.

You weren’t alone, and neither was he.

He had saved your life on the mountain more than once. Now, he was saving you again. Just in a different way.

-

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

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#mike munroe #mike munroe x reader #mike x reader #until dawn x reader #until dawn #until dawn fic #mike until dawn #sadie writes #i always get so insecure when i post things that arent for atla #then i remember that. this is my blog and i can write what i want #lol