#anyway. I probably am more. trans. Than I originally thought. u know

[ace-but]

Alright, okay, so, hear me out, we have cat hybrids, we have dog hybrids, and we habe fox hybrids. So just imagine..a lion reader. Aghhhhh, like, they probably have the best fluffier hair, not to mention the muscles 😶

I can imagine characters like Itto always challenging them to arm wrestles and stuff. Like, they're one of the few who can match them in raw strength, and being around them makes him feel safe

Or, how about one of the scholars, like Albedo, All Haitam, or Dottore, who are always sorta fascinated by how the lion side of them affects them.

(Reader would probably have a really calm monotone voice right, except when they're mad, then they get REAL LOUD. They sound like they're in a screamo song.)

Characters like Traveller and Xiao who for the first time have someone they can rely on, and not the other way around

Imma say this just once, but naps would be a big plus. They are the perfect napping buddy.

What are your thoughts on this, and what would you like to add on about it? There's just so much to do with the idea!

Okay, I'm done gushing now.

🕊 anon

Okay, so being normal for a single second to say thank you for an excuse to talk about hybrids in Genshin. Pleas forgive any grammar and spelling errors, I am very excited

And now

FROTHING AT THE MOUTH. YOU WANT TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS ON OTHER KINDS OF HYBRIDS? YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT MY THOUGHTS ON OTHER KINDS OF HYBRIDS.

Lions are one of the most obvious cases in nature of sexual dimorphism. So I think that would carry over to hybrids.

Amab folk naturally developing thicker, longer hair. Perhaps getting a proper mane. I honestly can't think of a reason why they wouldn't have a straight up mane.

The social aspect of it would be interesting. Typically, Lion Hybrids would be Polyamorous. At least, the amab folk would be, but I think the afab too. Families consisting of 1-3 amab or trans men with 4-8 afab or trans women and any of their children. Ignoring for a moment that most lionesses in a normal pride are related to each other.

Sons are typically expected to be out of the home early, while daughters usually stick around for a while.

Originally, the women of these hybrids are hunters and warriors. Men usually staying home to care for the children. But now, more and more of these hybrids are just kind of out there. They're fairly common to see outside of their own communities.

Anyway. Now to what you actually asked for lol.

Itto and a Lion!Reader would be pretty evenly matched in terms of strength. He might find it a little comforting to have someone else be the strongest. Takes off some of the pressure to protect other people.

Lion!Reader would probably have a better reputation than Itto no matter what. Lions are not only seen as powerful, but as being regal and protective. Unless they were actively a violent criminal, Lion!Reader brings people comfort by being around. They have more sensitive ears than a human, sharper vision, and far more muscle. If someone wants to pull something, they probably won't do it with Lion!Reader around!

I think the scholars you've mentioned, with the exception of Alhaitham who I don't think is this kind of nerd, would be fascinated by a Lion hybrid.

Albedo is studying the anatomy, making sketches to improve understanding of the musculature of Lion hybrids. Ahem, if you'll allow him, that is? He's never pushy, but you're very aware that he would like to study you. His eyes are always on you, it would be a little unnerving if you didn't know he was just trying to understand how your body works.

Dottore may attempt a more... direct form of study. You may be subject to many experiments and vivisections. Uh, don't get caught? Or maybe you're into that idk.

You mentioned being loud? Hell yeah a Lion hybrid is loud! Lion!Reader's vocal structure allows for volumes exceeding 114 decibels! That's so loud that your yells could genuinely cause damage to someone's ears. Not yours though, your ears are capable of withstanding this kind of noise. Usually Lion!Reader

You want someone dependable? You got it. Capable of more feats of strength than a human, having more sensitive hearing and smell, and probably being raised with loyalty being drilled into their head, Lion!Reader is absolutely someone to turn to when you need help.

Xiao can rest a little easier when you offer, no, demand to take over his duties for some time. You destroy enemies with no problem, and if he just needs to rest, you watch over him. Xiao won't admit it, but this is the safest he has ever felt. His head on your lap while you silently keep watch.

The traveler can bring you on basically any commission without any sort of worry that you won't be able to handle it Especially if you have a vision. Finally, someone they can have as backup without any concerns of leading them to their death

And yes, perfect napping buddy. You make people feel so safe and warm and happy in your arms. :)))

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin hybrids #hybrid character #lion character

[criticalrolo]

I refuse to examine why when I came up with a joke “government assigned kin list” for myself I only thought of male characters and didn’t even question it

#if I didn’t know about like. queer theory and stone butch blues and lesbian historical relationships to Masculinity #I would be so fucking confused #thank u stone butch blues for Understanding 😭 #anyway. I probably am more. trans. Than I originally thought. u know?????

[transtenzin]

TRANSFEM NON BINARY JINORA, i literally can't stop thinking about her, she is so amazing, literally mae i am begging you for more, i already told you my small hcs yesterday 😭❣️❤️🌈✨🥺

😭😭😭 i know and i loved them... your mind... 

but like... bro..... before i even start i want you to know transfem nonbinary jinora is just 200% projection. mentioned her a little bit in my nonbinary tenzin headcanons but she deserves her own 20 posts. 

so yes jinora is transfem and nonbinary ❤️

she originally came out as a trans girl because at the time she thought the label fit.

being her though, jinora does a lot of reading and research on gender just because she wants to know stuff--especially when she’s reading about katara and aang and everyone, there’s a lot of language used for aang especially that she hasn’t heard before. it’s most gender-neutral equivalents of titles and stuff like that, but it does make her curious. 

like even though pema is trans and she would answer any questions jinora had, and tenzin would be able to answer others she had about aang specifically, jinora is also big adhd and after one book about aang, it goes to another book about aang, and then a book about gender, and then ANOTHER book about it, and... well, she has found out a lot more than probably either of them might have been able to tell her.

she eventually comes across a book about other trans people’s experiences with gender and she’s reading it like........ huh... isn’t that interesting

pema and tenzin kind of start to notice like haha... hey jinora... u can talk to us about anything u know that right :)

she’s like yes of course i do :D 

it’s after that that pema starts trying to talk more about gender but jinora’s like “oh yeah anyways” and starts infodumping everything she knows.

then tenzin tells them they’ve been questioning their own gender during a conversation, and jinora is kind of thrown for a bit lmao. 

tenzin talks about the air nomads + the southern water tribe + gender roles, and um... haha... wow okay... maybe she shares some of the same feeling they’re describing.

she starts questioning her own and after a while comes out as a trans girl, but does more research which leads to her instead finding that maybe she is a trans girl, but she’s also nonbinary. 

like just look at jinora and tell me she wouldn’t like finding the exact words for her identity. it makes her so happy lol.

she only uses she/her pronouns. she used to go by she/they but it kind of felt like sometimes people only used they/them as a way to avoid referring to her with she/her altogether. like lmao people genuinely just seemed to hate using she/her. like she would approach people about it and ask them to use she/her more and they would be like “oh okay” and then just continue with only they/them even when she’s around to hear it.

so yeah she didn’t necessarily mind they/them but... yeah.

when tenzin starts using any pronouns but with only them specifically, jinora considers doing the same thing with letting only them use she/they, but... hm. 

anways jinora is okay with being called a girl/sister/daughter/etc, but she’s also fine with more gender-neutral stuff

after she comes out the first time she wants to start growing out her hair, and it actually makes her super happy when it gets down to her chin. like... oh, that’s me. 

before she just shaved her head, which is why shaving her head again to get her tattoos makes her super anxious, but she always wants her tattoos more than anything, and she has well since earned them too lmao. 

but it’s tenzin who’s doing it, and she knows that they, more than anyone, know what this means to her

opal is also trans, and jinora ends up talking to her a lot afterward while her hair is still growing back, and while jinora has always been the Eldest Daughter (TM), opal becomes something like a big sister to her who is there to talk to her whenever she needs it :”) 

so are pema and tenzin of course, but sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone a little more her age. 

kai is also trans (yes everyone is trans do you see a pattern here) and they are big transmasc/transfem solidarity

TL;DR: jinora is transfem and nonbianry and i’m right :)

#thank u nina i owe u my life #asks #jinora #hcs #my hcs #op #nonbinary jinora #trans time #lgbt #leo 💖

[maddiefriendlovesbilly]

Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3

#spencer x ghost #jess writes #ishhhhh??????? #venturiantale #venturiantale pie #johnny ghost #spencer acachalla #johnny toast #jimmy casket #fred spooker #let me know if you enjoyed this or not it was intense #sr #ship review #ship reviews #vt ships #vt ship reviews #vt ship review #vt sr

[sociallyawkward--fics]

yeaa since the 2 months since ive sent u those asks (i think it was 2 months ???? idk) ive had a few more minor crises over whether or not i was aro (&a more memorable one recently where i completely convinced myself out of it for a day) bc im dumb& constantly forget that as much as i like to debate over whether im capable of experiencing The Romantic Attraction i have yet to do so -H

also ??? i just realized ??? i always think of romance movies as too quick paced bc who gets together within a few days?? weeks?? months?? obviously u need to know them better before u know if ud be compatible dating. But No That's Not How It Works What The Fuck the only romantics i will accept in this world r demiromantics /lh /j theyre the only ones who make sense -H (i saw smth somewhere abt how u dated ppl to get to know them better& my view of the world shifted drastically within seconds)

wait that reminds me of how when i was younger (younger being like .. a year or two ago) i thought the purpose of dating was to eventually get married so middle school relationships baffled me bc ???? theyre not gonna last that long ???? whats the point ???? but nooo u date ppl bc u enjoy being around them or smth what the fuck when will this stuff stop being confusing -H (why do i even bother questioning if im aro sigh)

theres also alot of theories abt papyrus bc he doesnt appear at all in the game but i am pretending i do not see it i will wait for canon -H

just realized i have no idea whether uve played deltarune but .. im just gonna assume u have ?? if not .. oops ?? i think i was gonna say smth else not pertaining to undertale originally but i got distracted give me a moment -H

oh wait yea i was gonna uh .. gender !! ! me too ! ! i am .. noncis. im not rly comfortable w using trans& nb is ok but .. i do technically identify w my agab so its not rly right. .. so uhhh im arogender !. !! im not sure how much i relate to the def but its also the only label ive found that feels right so ive uh just been using it -H (bc its not as much that my lack of romantic attraction affects my gender than it is uh my gender feels like my aromanticism ???but its a little of both i think)

---------------------

Gosh, I am still so sorry it took me two months to answer those other asks, I was way out of my own head for a while there. Thank you for being patient with me lol

And hey, remember: sexuality and romanticism and gender are all fluid. For some people, they change and shift over time. So if you’re aro now, and later on you realize you’re grayro or demiro or something like that, that’s valid. That doesn’t make the time you spent identifying as aro any less valid, either. This is a lifelong journey, for many people, probably including myself tbh. And who even says you need a label anyways? If you want one, then by all means, find one you’re comfy with, but you don’t need one if it’s stressing you out too much. But, hey, identify as aro for now if you want to. If later on you choose to change that, that doesn’t invalidate you or anyone else. It’s okay.

And yeah, big agree, romance movies always seemed p rushed to me lol. I’m here like “what do you mean people date each other to get to know each other??” Like, my aspec self does not understand lol. I think it’s likely why I’m so into friends-to-lovers/mutual pining/slow burn type stuff when I read shippy fics lol, I can’t vibe with the faster-paced stuff because it seems so unrealistic as someone who doesn’t experience the world like alloromantics (and allosexuals) do. Also, I also grew up thinking the point of dating was finding a spouse, but that’s because I was raised in the church and that’s what my dad raised us to believe, and also why my parents’ rule was “no dating before 16 years of age minimum”

I’ve played most of deltarune but I got stuck and then my computer reset and I didn’t finish it lol. But I watched Jacksepticeye play the whole thing!! It’s just been a while so it’s hazy, I didn’t obsess over it as heavily as I did Undertale back in 2015/2016 lol. Still very excited for what comes next though, even though I’m not super caught up with the background lore and the fan theories lol.

Your gender is so valid kiddo, you do you. I usually refer to you with they/them in my head, is that chill or do you have different pronouns you use? I realized I had never thought to ask before even though I really should have lol

I hope you’re doing well!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

#ask #anon #H anon

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

#top surgery #ftm #transition #transgender #mascetomy #surgery #post surgery #gender transformation #gts #gender transformation surgery #tumblr dont shoot me there are no nip nops and no mentions of milk sacts flesh #long post #long read #under the cut #double mascetomy #double incision

[kinkymagnus]

Henlo!! I love your blog so much 😍 it gives me life and makes me happy when I have a bad day. I was wondering if you had any headcanons about Malec’s first time or something where Magnus is a nervous wreck cause he has to tell Alec that he’s trans? Thank you and sorry for the bother 😭♥️

y’all it is a CRIME how long this has been in my inbox, im really sorry and ur not bothering me at ALL i just love this ask and wanted to do it JUSTICE 👏

also im!!! so flattered!!! aaaaaAAAA im glad my blog can cheer u up :) 

okokok so trans magnus + malec’s first time + magnus being nervous about coming out lghkjgfh

ok i have no fucking idea why but i’m making this twi malec. i’m just. in the mood for twi malec i guess. fuck it amiright

magnus is just. he has a lot of secrets. there’s a reason he hasn’t gotten close to anyone in a long time, there’s a reason he only talks to two or three people who actually know him, there’s a reason he hasn’t been how he used to be--out and about, flashy and showing off and wearing armor made of glittering beauty and colorful silks and bold makeup, instead of comfortable cardigans and twitching hands and quiet. 

speaking of which: def headcanon twi magnus wasn’t always the way he is in that episode. he was a lot like canon magnus once upon a time, charismatic (well, he’s still charismatic, but like, in that bold flashy way, you know?) and open (closed off, but with the illusion of having all his cards on the table) and bold

anyway. there’s a reason. lots of reasons. mostly all the secrets he hides.

the fact that he has magic, that he’s immortal, a dusty relic of a time long gone, of an age past, clinging on past his due date. he feels like he doesn’t belong in the modern world, like he should have died with the shadow world, like he should have been sealed out with all the other demons.

the fact that he is a prince king of hell, son and slayer of the greater demon asmodeous himself. even tho he’s sealed it all away, he has a huge amount of power, both from just. originally being the son of such a powerful demon, a fallen angel, and also from managing to kill one.

i don’t think it fits with canon twi lore but i don’t care, i’m saying twi magnus was involved in the sealing of the realm, and he managed to kill asmodeous and basically absorb his power, so a) he actually did this huge incredible feat that changed the whole world, whether on purpose or not i’m not sure yet (it has something to do with asmodeous, but i’m not seeing the whole picture yet) and b) he’s actually. more powerful than canon magnus. it’s partially why he sealed away his magic for so long, he was afraid of what that power could do. 

honestly i dont have this super well thought out but i like the potential

but anyway! barely related to this! let’s get back on topic!

and. the fact that he’s trans. a decidedly more mundane secret, but still one he keeps close to his chest. he’s lived through a lot of eras with bad very transphobic times? like he’s lived through places/times with very accepting atmopshere, but he’s also lived in like, victorian england, you know? and canon magnus had a chance to be more out of his shell and open in the modern world but this magnus has completely closed himself off. he mostly talks to people other than his close friends to give them a tarot reading. he’s not like, totally cut off, i can’t imagine him like. not helping people. you know. idek. but the point is he’s more isolated. canon magnus was closed off in a lot of ways, but still surrounded by people. he had a job to do, people to protect, and parties to attend. not to mention going to pandemonium and stuff. twi magnus isn’t really doing that. man i really went on a tangent here but the point is i feel like that would contribute to how he feels about being trans. feeling isolated, having less friends to be open with and to help him you know? in my experience it’s a lot harder to feel like. valid? without that sense of community. even with a few close friends, it’s hard. if you’re “passing”, which magnus is, it feels like a secret. 

the point is! i am getting so off track! magnus has got layers and layers and layers protecting him, both literal and metaphorical (he doesn’t wear the more flashy and revealing clothing canon magnus occasionally favors, preferring thick and comfortable sweaters and cardigans and stuff like that. bonus headcanon: whatever happened that ended in asmodeous dead and the walls of the world sealed, it left magnus with more scars. not to mention top surgery scars he may have, or even just hiding a binder, or using thick layers to disguise small tiddies since binders are great but you can’t bind all the time or every day for centuries and still be like, healthy. anYWAY) 

and when he starts dating alec despite that little cautious voice in his head insisting he needs to not get attached, alec begins to just. effortlessly peel those layers away

he’s so blunt and honest, unlike people who have lied to and manipulated magnus in the past (CAMILLE, anyone? i feel like she’d still be a thing in the twiverse. also asmodeous, albeit in a different way) and he’s gentle and loud and bold and he’s funny and sweet and he just. fucking cares about magnus.

when he finds about magnus’s magic he’s like “oh my god that’s so cool” he just fucking accepts him so easily!!! 

and even when magnus ends up tearfully confessing he may or may not be a literal king of hell (or, one of the hell dimensions) alec’s like “damn, i’m dating royalty?” and maybe makes a joke about not everyone getting to make a king scream with pleasure and magnus is just so relieved???

but that’s later

anyway

they haven’t had sex yet and magnus is just like. he feels like inevitably this relationship is gonna fall apart. he has too many secrets, too many hidden parts of himself that if he ever shed light on, alec wouldn’t see him the same way

and as much as he wants alec to fuck him, as much as he wants to be in bed with alec and cuddle with him and have sex with him and show him everything, he feels like he can’t, it would be the beginning of the end

he keeps pulling back just as alec begins to initiate, and alec never pushes but wonders if he’s doing something wrong, or if maybe magnus is asexual, or just doesn’t want to have sex for other reasons, and eventually he broaches the topic with magnus and magnus is so surprised alec noticed something is wrong (he expected alec might confront him over not “putting out” but alec doesn’t seem to care about the sex--he makes sure to emphasize while he is attracted to magnus and would lvoe to have sex with him if that’s what magnus wants, it’s by no means a requirement--but more about. magnus. and communicating with him.) that he just blurts out i’m trans. 

and alec kinda blinks at him. his beautiful, wonderful, nervous and scared boyfriend. and he ends up blurting out oh thank god. because he would be more than okay with magnus not wanting to have sex--he’s super gorgeous and absolutely smoking hot, but alec doesn’t ever like, want to have sex with him unless magnus wants to. obviously. but he was honestly worried it wasn’t magnus but him, that he’d done something wrong or wasn’t attractive or something, and honestly worrying about something being wrong with him was not a feeling he was used to. then he realizes how bad that just sounded, and he’s like, aaaaaaaAAAA WAIT and ends up panickedly rambling like i mean sorry i just was kind of worried i was doing something wrong but like, i love you so much and you being trans changes nothing about that, and if you never want to have sex that’s totally okay and i love you, but if you’re worried about me still being attracted to you that’s not a problem, but-- and magnus is like y-you’re not?? but you’re gay! and i’m-- and you know that feeling of like. internalized [insert form of bigotry towards yourself, in this case transphobia]. where you think something bad about yourself. and if you think about it you’re like “no that’s transphobic i would never think that about anyone else” and your brain is just like “yeah it’s true about you tho” that’s this. magnus is like. i’m not a real man, how could you be attracted to me? and alec (not to be all Cis Savior, but look, magnus deserves a loving supportive boyfriend who comforts him and shit, okay! i am PROJECTING) is like yeah i’m gay and you’re a gorgeous, beautiful, stunning man? 

and they end up talking it out and get it sorted that yes, magnus does want to have sex, but it would be okay if one of them didn’t want to, magnus being trans does not make alec unattracted to him, it’s okay, they’re okay, because malec are Kings of Communication,

ANYWAY

ACTUAL FIRST TIME

probably not the same day, that day they cuddle and talk 

but like later

>:)

alec is just so gentle and reverent y’all. like. them big hands on magnus’s body, all warm and gentle and magnus is like oh fuck this is nice

they do have to kind of communicate boundaries--alec’s asks if there’s anywhere magnus doesn’t want to be touched because dysphoria (or any other reason) and vice versa, magnus trying to be like “you know if you only want to fuck my ass or have me wear a strap-on or anything like that it’s fine, i understand you’re not necessarily attracted to those parts of me” and alec’s like “we’ve established that you would enjoy me eating you out and i WANT TO EAT YOU OUT” 

their first time probably is pretty simple, “vanilla”, idk why but im thinking they just exchange oral sex tbh like magnus blows him and then alec eats him out 

also magnus cums pretty fast bc he hasn’t been touched like this in a long time and he’s very embarrassed about it but alec is like “damn that’s hot can i try to make you cum a few more times” 

ok but imagine their first time it’s just alec holding him down and eating him out until he sobs and squirts? yes

anyway tho they have like, lots of “other” first times too like. first time alec fucks his pussy. first time alec fucks his ass. etc. 

first time alec slides that Thick Dick balls deep into magnus’s cunt he’s for sure immediately on the edge of orgasming he’s so full and it feels so good--

and alec’s like holy SHIT bc he’s warm and wet and tight and he clenches every time alec praises him or dirty talks him and it feels amazing

first time alec fucks his ass is also very fun for both of them ;) 

it’s just a good time all around folks communication and magnus getting pounded the way he deserves :’) 

not to mention when they first start getting into kinks 

alec, carefully broaching the topic of bondage: how would you feel... about handcuffs?

magnus, barely looking up: mm, padded or not? and what kind of padding? the normal kind hurt my wrists after too long and not really in a nice way, so i like padded. furry can get a little itchy sometimes but they look real nice. also, are we talking above my head to the bedpost, and if so, am i on my stomach or back? because stomach is a little uncomfortable. or like, behind my back? especially bent over, mm. good view for you ;) 

then he like looks up and realized he’s said all of this very casually and alec’s looking at him with 1. shock and 2. lust 

like. “i wasn’t expecting this, but i really should have, and now i want to bend you over and tie you up and fuck you hard” 

and he blushes just a lil bit like o shit i just said all that and alec’s like “padded it is. behind your back or above your head... hm... both have potential, but maybe the latter? i love you on your back under me, i can see so much of your beautiful body and all of your gorgeous face :)” 

and like TOYS 

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA ANYWAY

#trans magnus smut #twi malec #twi

[fantroll-purgatory]

@theshieldswordandcrown

I’d like it if you guys could look over my tea man for me! (Art by my friend lythaeriahomestucks. I haven’t made him a sprite yet.

Oofadoofa it’s been a while. Hi I hope your roleplay group is fun!

World: Alternia, but the draft is a lot further off than in canon, because none of my group is interested in roleplaying interstellar space battles or politics, especially considering the amount of setup that would have to go into making deep space believable. Though I think Friendsim’s stated they’re dragged off planet at 9 sweeps, so he’d still have a little time before getting dragged underground anyway.

Name: Oolong Matcha. Yes, they’re both types of tea. It started off as a quick joke, but I’ve grown to love it. Not only is matcha green, like his blood, but he’s a gardener, and really enjoys tea.

Mmmmm I mean joke trolls are famously canon in Homestuck. See: SWIFER EGGMOP or the salt and pepper shaker troll BUTTT mmmm. I feel like naming a character based at least partially on Japanese monks Oolong would deserve some side-eye. But I like the matcha bit! So let’s see…I like him being a gardener since monastic gardens were very much A Thing, and one of the famous still-extant ones is at Rievaulx abbey, so maybe we give him RIVULX, which sounds sufficiently trollish and is obvious enough for someone to get the reference.

Age: 9.69 Sweeps, or 21 Earth years.

Theme/Story: He’s partially themed after monks, specifically Irish and Japanese, which was originally an excuse for his bald head, but ended up influencing his clothing, calm demeanor, and lusus. I was also, oddly, thinking of 4chan – not maniacs like /pol/, but just average people who don’t get out enough, like to chatter about anime or cooking, and generally act like a bit of a dipshit. Fatherhood is definitely a theme with him as well – he’s already a father figure to two other trolls.

Hmmm. I like the broad concept, but I think we can tighten up a little on the “monk” theme by expanding it. Review Goals: General overview, classpecting advice, filling in missing details like fetch modus or lunar sway, etc.

Strife Specibus: He greatly prefers to snipe threats before they reach him, but if he’s forced into melee, he’ll grab a pipe and go berserker nuts. He takes satisfaction in neutralizing threats, especially if he’s protecting someone or something. He’s not averse to talking things out, but dislikes putting others on the line.

Hmm. None of that is a strife specibus, though I suppose you’re going for riflekind and pipekind. Generally void players use fistkind since it’s the absence of a weapon, but if you want to give him another option besides hand-to-hand melee may I suggest poisonkind? He could use something from his garden, like monkshood :3c. Or if you want to give him a melee weapon he could use the sansetsukon per the 36th Chamber of Shaolin, which would double as a symbol reminder since he could arrange the segments in a backwards s. Fetch Modus: ;;3;; I have absolutely no idea.

What about a clue modus where the items are obscured but contain details describing them? With the caveat that some of them will have similar color/taste/textures listed. I think this might be fun because there are actually *two* famous detectives with the last name Monk, Adrian Monk and William Monk.

Blood Color: Jade.

That works great, especially with Friendsim’s reveal that many jades are indeed monastic/cloistered.

Lunar Sway: Not sure.

Given that he’s a monk and you have painted him as someone unlikely to cause conflict or rebel against the system, I think he’d be a Prospit dreamer.

Title: Knight of Void, someone who exploits what little secrecy and irrelevance he has for all it’s worth. He was first conceived as a Bard, to fit into a fansession, but I eventually decided it didn’t fit what the character had developed to be. 

Symbol and Meaning: I made it up, and it doesn’t have a name. It’s an infinity symbol, broken in the center - like this, but flipped 90 degrees clockwise. I guess it could tie into his aspect by…destroying infinity, I guess, but I really haven’t put that much thought into it.

If we’re going by the EZ, he would be Virittanius, the Deliberate. Which I think fits him quite well! It also looks like a further corruption of the sign you gave him, so I may toy with that a little in the redesign. Handle: I feel like I might have given him a serious handle at one point, but if I did, I forgot it, so for now, it’s oolongMatcha. Just his name. Considering his classpect and desire for secrecy, this makes about as much sense as a rain barrel made out of crackers, but I’m not sure what to give him.

Since his new initials are RM, maybe revenantMyiopsitta. Revenant, of course, to hint at the fact that he’s part of the blood caste most commonly associated with rebirth after death, and Myiopsitta being the genus for two types of parakeet: the cliff parakeet and the monk parakeet. So we have his true identity as well as the unusual nature of his hive, both concealed in plain sight. Quirk: he types in all lower case and likes putting his horns in his emoticons! ’:)  Maybe doing it like (:; would make more sense, as it’s his right (our left) horn that’s busted.

I like it! Depending on his redesign you may also want him to uƨe backwardƨ ƨ’ƨ to mimic hiƨ ƨymbol.

Special Abilities: Supreme Dadliness. Jokes aside, he’s a crack shot, even with his impeded vision, and has been successfully flying under the radar his whole life.

If you still want him to be a crack shot even with the changes I suggested above, maybe he uses blowdarts to poison his enemies from afar?

Lusus: His father is a MASSIVE white snake; I was thinking some kind of constrictor. Personality-wise, he’s close to a prototypical 50s dad. He’s a safe haven for his son and those his baby cares about, and is exceedingly patient, to the point of letting a small child fingerpaint on him. He’s also willing to carry Oolong in emergencies, though I’m not really certain that would work in real life, movement-wise.

I feel like the snake can be a little overplayed as a lusus. If we want to give him something similar to a mother grub as a jadeblood, why not a massive butterfly based on the monk/dusky friar? It also gives you the mechanics for how his dadderfly would carry him around in emergencies.

Interests: He used to spend a lot of time alone on the internet - I originally conceptualized him as a very lonely NEET, to the point he had to find his wallet to remember his own name - but has become more adventurous and friendly, spending more time with his girlfriend and friends (and he has friends now!) He’s very proud of his garden and fruit trees, some of which are rare, difficult to grow properly, and/or dangerous (offering more security).

Huh! You don’t explain *how* he goes from isolated to friendly, but I’d hope that gardening is a way for him to reach out to others since it’s a hobby you can commit to on your own but bond with other hobbyists.

Hive: He lives out in the woods by himself, though not so far from other trolls that he can’t take the day to go shopping or see his mate. His hive is surrounded by his garden on all sides, and has a very visible path down the center (making it easy for him to see anyone approaching, and shoot if they’re a threat). Trees surround it, and dangerous plants are strategically placed to make going through his garden unpleasant at best (it also makes weeding a pain, but he thinks it’s worth it). His hive is especially unusual in that the porch is raised up to the second floor with large poles, and you have to use a ladder to get up to it (unless you’re snakedad, in which case you go up the poles). He has a remote so he can let it down from the ground, as well as access to it on the platform, so he can let people up himself. I don’t think the ground level has a door. I’d be happy to submit pictures, if you want.

Feel free to show us pictures, but I like the concept a lot!

Appearance: Tall and rail-thin, excepting his oddly curvy hips. (I figured due to jades being majority female, developing jade males might be exposed to more than the usual amount of estrogen and androgens. Also I’m way more used to drawing women than men and his initial outline was a gal for like ten minutes.) He shaves his head bald. (This is because A) I didn’t want to bother trying to figure out men’s hair - I almost never draw dudes - and B) he’s partially themed after monks, who often shave their heads. I don’t remember why he says he does it.)

…man, I’m gonna take issue with the way you phrased this description. There’s a lot of gender essentialism going on in your explanation there, and given that a number of us mods are trans and nonbinary I feel obligated to point out a few things:

1) Trolls are bugs. They’re not even mammals. They aren’t exposed to androgen or estrogen or any hormone to give them a certain body shape. It is quite heavily implied that when the mother grub gives birth it is to a bunch of larvae.

2) I know that Homestuck lore has given us largely jade girls and one jade trans guy but that’s no reason to assume that jade men are broadly more “feminine” by default in *any* dimension

3) Even if trolls *did* work like humans, it rubs me the wrong way to see someone talking about a man’s “oddly” curvy hips like I’ve got guy friends both trans and cis with wide hips and the only reason to remark on it at all is because We Live In A Society that forcibly genders people in relation to physical characteristics.

…So I am otherwise taking your description at face value. ______ Matcha is tall, rail thin, with curvy hips and a bald head. I will probably add some little fangs, per the Alternian fashion guide.

He wears leggings (unless it’s very hot) and long tunics or robes, usually tan, with his symbol emblazoned on the breast. He goes barefoot if he can. His right (our left) horn is broken, due to an accident in his youth (I think he fell onto something?), amusingly improving his vision, since his unbroken left horn points in front of his left eye, obscuring it somewhat.  His face could almost be described as delicate, and his default expression is calm.

I don’t knooooow that tan is a color trolls wear all that often in Alternia, so I will see how I can rework that in the redesign. I get him being barefoot, but I may give it a shot spriting him monk shoes for if he wants to go on an outing. :3c For his broken horn…hm. When we see trolls with physical damage, it is almost always something more significant than just “childhood accident” (see: every troll in Homestuck except Equius who somehow had like 3 simultaneous accidents?). I have an idea for his horns that I will get to in the redesign, and I will probably add a hook to his front horn, both because it’s a jadeblood trait and because it seems suitably horrifying to constantly have a sharp implement millimeters from your eye.

Personality: Oolong is a nice, fatherly young man, well regarded by most he meets. He really really likes tea. He has a beautiful, dangerous mafiosa matesprite in a rustblood named Andora Ingenu, and they adore each other. He’s also taken on the substitute dad role for an adorable young fuschia who lives in the swamp near his forest, Lillie Waters, teaching her how to cook (and keep her tools clean) and rescuing her from other fuschias. He’s very protective of his and his loved ones’ privacy and safety, and spends a LOT of his time in the massive gardens around his hive, of which he’s deservedly proud. He is very good at being sneaky, and sometimes takes the time to run around seeing what he can get away with, especially in the realm of snatching seeds up for his garden. He sells whatever plants he can grow for money, especially fruits and vegetables, but he doesn’t really enjoy sales. He doesn’t put a lot of stock in blood superiority, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He’s oddly well adjusted for someone who spent most of his life alone.

I like this description! Also looking at his close compatriots, it looks like I can swap the tan in his design for rust or fuchsia. We already see jadebloods wearing a fair amount in the red/burgundy/purple spectrum, so it should fit right in with the others.

Land: I don’t remember if I’ve come up with one. If I did, I feel like it may have heavily wooded areas, dark and tangled and difficult to navigate.

Hmmm. What about Land of Rough and Reflection (LORAR)? Covered in rough terrain, with pools to contemplate oneself. Unbeknownst to your troll, there are switches at the bottom of each lake (deeper than he could ever hope to dive and hold his breath) that must be flipped to drain the lakes and free the consorts from the underwater caves in which they’ve been trapped for generations. His land would initially seem completely empty and without guidance, and it neatly parallels his own situation before he began to socialize.

I hope you like him! :) I’d love to see what you guys think of him.

He’s certainly an interesting troll, and I hope I’ve helped by way of sharpening up on his theme! Let’s move on to the redesign.

Top to bottom as usual!

Hair - I gave him some stubble courtesy of fan-troll (I have never managed a post without plugging fan-troll/tajazzled’s sprite sheet and I’m not gonna stop now)

Horns - I wanted to make his other horn sort of…curve away from his head so it looks like his symbol from above?

Eyes and brows - they didn’t change but big ups to fan-troll for giving me bases to modify!

Mouth - this is a modification of Sollux’s mouth but I gave him lil fangs and a little lower lip definition

Robes - I just modified some of Kanaya’s robes, appropriately enough! I decided to go for a red/pink shade that was between rust and fuchsia so he could fit in while subtly broadcasting his allegiance

Shoes - they’re John’s but with buckles! :B monk shoes

Aaaand that’s about it for my critique! I hope this helped!

-TR

#jadeblood #submission #oolong matcha #oolong #matcha #theshieldswordandcrown #rivulx #rivulx matcha #review #redesign #tr review

[thevalleyoftriumph]

someone asked Duckie this but I personally would like a second opinion from someone whos equally into the fandom as they are. Is ponythe-ytgem a bad person?

im gonna answer this similarly to duckie [also duckie if u see this hi bro hope ur havin a nice day] and also under a cut cos i can ramble a lot

while the term “bad person” is a suggective term that can have very different meanings depending on who you ask, im just going to assume you mean “just a generaly dislikable person for any reason in particular” as most often do

tl:dr, i dont think shes a bad person, per say, and am cutting her a lot of slack due to being young, but i do think she should express her opinions differently and should also get new friends because wow that crowd is so toxic i need a hazmat suit to get close to it.

ok onto the longer portion.

hold on im cold lemme get a blanket

ok there we go back on topic

i dont really know much abt her aside from what i saw from an incident a while back, plus some other things i saw floating around my dash via word of mouth and some longass game of telephone with my own occasional check at her blog. her most major thing seems to have been some encounter with kiingcorrobo [i genuinely cant remember how the blog is spelled so im sorry :pensive:] and her thing abt seamoon. lets talk about seamoon first, then well talk abt the other stuff.

anyway while im personally a little more biased to dislike her [she did apologize for what she did however so ill try not to let this cloud my judgement overall] and because shes a minor like i am [and if i remember correctly around my age? maybe older but im unsure and i dont feel like goin to her blog rn] im not going to be as harsh as i usually would be when dealing with just some random person on the internet whos an adult. because children wouldnt know better either way.

anyway i do personally believe that her opinions abt seamoon are valid but she could possibly go a better way about it.

her whole issue with seamoon is. fine. i get it, you dislike a ship due to personal reasons, you dont owe anyone an explanation aside from “i just dont like it” and as long as youre not a dick over it, i dont see the issue.

i do think she could go about it differently [she once said there was no proof? i think? dont quote me on that my memory is bad] and that it could just be “ohh a best friend stare” despite how heavily its hinted at [i remember that one a lot better cos it got me a little miffed ngl] and like. ok. fine. just acknowledge that its very strongly hinted at and then go on your way, you dont need to insist its not real.

HOWEVER. 

i have repeatedly seen people get angry and violent with her over this. yes, she definately could have gone about expressing her opinions better. yes, she shouldnt disreguard any sort of wlw rep or coding because she doesnt like it for whatever reason. ill admit that much.

but that does not, ever, at all, make it okay for people to have treated her, a CHILD, presumably, the way they have.

people are entitled to their own opinions as long as it isnt harming anyone! and if someones opinions seem a little off, you dont immediately attack them, especially if theyre someone thats young and probably dont know the full extent of what theyre thinking. you tell them what theyre doing and why its wrong or just iffy in general, and help them grow from that. we are human, humans naturally grow to better themselves when given the chance, and if theyre never given a chance to grow from the past, then they cant ever grow up. if you want her to grow up, then give her a fucking chance. 

now. lets talk abt the kiingcorobo thing.

from what i know; someone told kiingcorobo that she supported whitewashing and was homophobic, i believe.

now, im not a person of color so i am not really inclined to talk abt whitewashing, all i can say is that its terrible and fuck anyone who does it, like honestly if you whitewash u have. no rights.

so i cant talk abt this topic much aside from; whitewashing is terrible, dont do it, but i personally have no idea when she [pony] mentioned it at all and honestly im not too willing to go searching thru her blog fo hm. actually no im pretty hung up on this brb

ok no she hasnt mentioned it as far as i can tell. so im unsure on those claims and im more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, being a minor and all, and while minors are not autmoatically excused from doin bad shit that just means they still have a chance to better grow from that, so. yea.

anyway onto the topic im actually able to talk abt. the homophobic comment.

lgbt people can be homophobic! wow! doesnt matter if its internalized or youre just genuinely an asshole, lgbt ppl can in fact be homophobic. bi/pan ppl, gay ppl, trans ppl, no one group of the community is completely pure from that. thats just a fact.

however, due to the issues shes had in the past with the seamoon thing, i do think ppl are just taking that as her one defining personality trait. theyre probably seeing that n twisting it wayyy outta proportion.

thats my general thoughts on her and wow this is way longer than i had originally hoped and this reads more as an analysis of her as a person rather than my general thoughts but. eh what can you do.

oh but i do think she could get better friends lmao, shes in such a toxic crowd and for someone so young i feel genuinely so bad for her. 

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #fuck dude this got longer than i wanted #anyway dont attack her yall thats. hm not very cash money of you #like even though i personally dont really like her jus #just leave her alone like fuck #shut up me

[archmage--khadgar]

Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah.  But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog”  and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”.  And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy.  I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy.  (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer.  :T

#THIS GOT SO LONG I'M SO SORRY #it won't let me put it under a cut SKREEE #long post #lothirielswan

[transkieran]

anyway, guarma & colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy (& friends) think abusive ships are a funny way to get under someone’s skin

JUST FYI: I woulda had this conversation in private, but @guarma keeps calling Erin a bitch with a god-complex, even though everything she accuses Erin of is something I did, and she refuses to acknowledge me. So no more private, she called me a pussy for not confronting her. Well here's the confront ig!

background context: people decided to start shitting on the Yehaw Function server again in another server (let’s say ‘A’ bc I do not wish to drag the owner into this, they were rarely online). @ssupeck21 thought it was perfectly fine to mock the gender and race of a two-spirited native trans guy. nice transphobia and racism there! 

considering i remarked on it, they realized i knew him and suspected me of leaking the above screenshot to the YF server. i had already left this server at the end of february over several reasons, including erin’s server becoming my main one. i’m also reasonably sure i have mentioned no longer being in YF at some point. damage done: kate (guarma) and pongo ( @colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy ) now think i’m “a spy” for YF. (ironic because @ssupeck21 let @jennyxbeans into erin’s server bc she was spying for jenn. and more irony later)

as proven in DM to someone later (oh no, a spied image?), they had the amazing idea to bait me and erin with something that is a massive trigger for me (bully/victim ships). some weirdness: by that time, i’d only made about 2 b/k posts on my blog, neither of which mentioned my trauma i’m pretty sure. erin meanwhile, wasn’t even in the original convi from the first screenshot, though she has mentioned she finds b/k gross. 

so whilst this in its entirety is already immature in itself (really? you think someone is sending screenshots and wanna get ‘revenge’ when you constantly rely on getting screenshots yourself? yes i know someone leaked you screenshots of YF, kate). but also: for someone who talked about being abused and having anxiety, she should know better than use an abusive ship to get back at someone. because i’m 99% sure she knows b/k is a trigger for me; whilst not on my blog, i have had plenty of rants and vents in servers about how b/k is not good for my mental health and that it will make me panic. 

conversation #1 (i do not have screenshots of this): someone asked what everyone’s ships are in rdr2. bill/kieran gets mentioned, at some point i put rooWut (a disgusted looking emote) and remark something about abusive gay ships being cute to them. it gets glossed over, i leave. 

conversation #2. the conversation moves to the nsfw channel, where they pin the message in the above screenshot. ha ha , bully/victim ships are a funny joke! conversation moves on to arthur and other things until Pongo clearly feels like she wants to force a reaction out of me and/or erin. (living dead girl is erin, i am dan’s achy breaky heart).

at this point, my anxiety spikes and i put something along the lines of “my fist up your ass would look cute” in the vent chat of Erin’s server. NSFW with b/k is not good for me, at all. it made me flashback to something, i’m basically just trying to not have a panic attack. but ! ofc , why stop now. 

pongo makes another comment, now not under a spoiler tag and clearly with the context of the DM to get another reaction out of me. erin puts a completely unrelated image to try and divert the conversation, because i’m like entirely losing it at this point---but kate and pongo think it’s hilarious to talk about actually shipping it and kate (micah bell’s dumb hair in the screenshots) is all “omg i wanna write a smut now for them”. 

also: my nickname in this server includes ‘trans kieran’ at this point , either as just my url or like “lion ♡ trans kieran”. they all know i am a gay trans guy, even if some of them currently like to pretend they don’t know me. (hi, @morlawny who doesn’t even wanna say my name at this point despite being all nice in erin’s server.)

i can’t entirely remember my own message, nor do i have screenshots of it because i send it and left and they deleted it like straight after it seems (because an older screenshot, from the day itself, also didn’t have my message anymore). i left because at that point, i lost all ability to think straight. because someone can remark on b/k before and they’ll still be all “ha ha funny!”

at this point, in erin’s server, two things happen. one friend of kate, who isn’t in the server this happened in, asks if she ships bill/kieran and kate admits her plan to just trigger me. because of this, kate starts acting like the victim and making me out like the bad guy who’s shittalking her and refuses to talk to her--which, during a panic attack and with my feelings very clear, i don’t need to. 

secondly, another friend of kate decides my trauma is funny and starts to send kate (on request) screenshots of the vent conversation in erin’s server, starting from the goddamn my fist up your ass comment. the conversation also includes details of my trauma. my trauma is being send around like gossip. 

also this happens in the server i left and i get send it: 

i dunno what planet anyone is living on but, apparently my melt down was only good for one thing: getting mocked. “kieran’s coochie” is transphobic as fuck when you’re laughing at a trans guy getting upset over bill/kieran. especially when it’s very clear i hc kieran as trans. yet, pongo, wolfy ( @soulheartthewolf ) and kate seem to think it’s fucking hilarious. 

kate and pongo then try to play the “we were just joking!” card. when everyone i’ve had read those screenshots agrees nothing about it reads as a joke, and we’re now very sure they weren’t joking about, they were being vile and malicious. (but hey, what’s to expect from someone who says they’d fuck a fictional racist if he was real! that’s ... excusing racism, kate).  

(guarma is micah bell? you mean my husband ;; pongo is arthur morgan is an incel. the other person is the artist who drew young micah, idk their url anymore)

“my mocking of the Bill/Kieran ship” I’m so sorry, Kate, but nothing about nsfw b/k and wanting to write a fic about it, reads as mocking. This entire “it’s just a joke!” doesn’t diminish the fact that you triggered a panic attack. Yes, I shittalked you, because I felt like it was goddamn deserved for "joking” about an abusive ship in a way that didn’t read as a joke. because after I left neither of you got the damn hint and just went straight for the transphobia. It’s not get together and hate guarma, it’s “lion has a panic attack and will actually react insanely aggressively about the things that upset him”. You can turn and twist this into you being the victim all you want, but you ain’t. You’re a pathetic example of a 19 year old who thinks it’s funny to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks. I didn’t talk to you, because at the time the only thing I would’ve probably said, which is also what I’m saying now, is: go shove an entire cactus up your ass, you pathetic cunt of a human being. 

Leave Erin out of this, it’s goddamn hilarious you keep going after a cis bi woman instead of after me, a gay trans guy, and god I fucking wonder why. 

You interact with people who think they can just be racist and transphobic towards anyone they like ( @ssupeck21 ), with people who’ll willing send you all the screenshots you want, with people who send anon hate ( @jennyxbeans ), you’re treating trauma and abuse like a joke and then have the gal to be all “i’d never because i have anxiety!” No. Own up to your shit. 

(I could go on in this post about how she’s just as bad a shittalking, leaked screenshot-wanting piece of shit but hey, the post is very long already so whatever). 

edit: i have deleted screenshot leaking accusations towards morlawny bc i can’t actually prove them but i’m keeping up the thing where you decided to be all nice to me in servers, but then turned around and were all “idk kate didn’t say any of that” (i literally know u were there for those conversations, your name in screenshots!) and tried to defend her constantly in a DM with someone. 

#red dead redemption #guarma #userguarma #idk if she has a tag lmao #colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

#LONG POST #KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED #saltwaterfox

[askguyslikeus]

oh shit yall send lots of questions hoo nelly answering almost all of them under the cut ,,, im gunan try and answer more technical ones first then fun ones and ones about the mod later so u dont gotta scroll all the way to the bottom for the good deets

Hi! I'm still kinda new to the blog and I was wondering what are the 'do and do-not' kind question I should do? Because im sure theres always that one ask thats just Innapropiated, like that one of Michael 'taking advantage og high Jeremy' that was just not cool.  i got this ask a lot so ill be clear with yall. im just not a big angst fan? so sending michael asks about his anxiety nonstop and about how he had a panic attack in the bathroom over and over again wasnt that fun. usually if it pertains the musical though you should be find sending an ask about it? but sometimes i get asks that are like “jeremy ur nothing and how does it feel knowing u fucked everything up” like homie how i think its feels? how u think hes gunna react to that? i made this blog to negate a lot of negativity in my own life so i can promise u im going to be answering asks mostly positive always forever. that being said tho i sometimes get asks pertaining to a few things that ive dealt with in the past and these topics make me very very uncomfortable. dont send asks about these topics please. this is the no no list

-self harm, cancer, suicide, rape, parent death, car accidents, sudden death.

What was your inspiration for this blog? hoo boy well,,, ultimately i thought of them rooming together and got emotional and made a huge list of headcanons and was like ,,, why not run an askblog for a bit ill just abandon it after three asks lets have some fun. but somehow im still here and i got sucked in by the complexity of michael and jeremy. i know that sounds kinda silly but just, as someone who is dealing with a lot of similar things, like dependency issues and abandonment issues and depression and anxiety, having these fun functioning character to explore was such a gift for me. i believe honestly thats why im still here and doing this. being able to try and portray a healthy relationship and a healthy way of coping and growing has helped me a lot this past month and given me an outlet i didnt have before. TBH THO the main reason i made this blog if imma be real with u guys id because i didnt like the treatment of a lot of these issues in the fandom. it made me very upset to see depression used as an plot device and michaels dependency issues treated as romantic so i wanted to make a blog that had little to no angst. ANYWAYS somehow im still here ,,, gvrkjvrnkjfd sorry i rambled

honestly I just wanna say first that I love his blog and your art and you're so cool and kind!! a question would be (I'm not sure if you've answered this before or not) but is there like an on going story here, or is it mostly just answering questions with the characters set in this universe? (if that makes sense I'm sorry!) thank you, you're super awesome! ❤️  djrnjg first off thank u so much aaaa,, ive kind of answered this before but its ok its been a while since then! but um i do kinda have a story but how howdy i sure am dragging my feet. the story isn a hUGE OVERARCHING EPIC OF WOE AND THIS PERSON IS UPSET AND THIS PERSON IS MAD AT THIS PERSON its just michael and jeremy getting together. i have a plan and ive talked to a few people on how i want it to happen but ive gained like ,,,, 6,000 followers since then and im kinda nervous BUT ILL DO MY BEST but also please understand that i do this for fun for myself and if i dont get to it im so so so sorry woops

i know this has been said before but i'm really really happy w how you're handling so many aspects of their characters. i.e. michael being trans, michael and jeremy's anxiety, michael's dependency issues, and other stuff i'm too tired to think of. you made the characters have even more depth than they did in the play and i'm rly grateful for the way you're dealing w my favorite boys. (also your richjake is suuuper adorable) ahhhhhh thank u so much? i talked a bit about this on my main but im really glad people are happy with my decision on this blog because im suPER SUPER NERvous anytime i post an ask dealing with these things. (ask hachi or nate i always message them like freaking out and send them my scripts and asks and wait for them to tell me its ok before i post it omg) also like i talked about before i love,,, having these fun stoner gamer boys to explore these issues with. im honestly shocked by how many people also deal with dependency issues because when i first listened to the musical i was so overwhlemed by the song michael int he bathroom because i had never heard someone basically write “dependency issue: the song” and it felt so so so good to realize i wasnt alone in this pit of despair i fall into so easily aha. but im!! glad everyone is ok with this wild ride im on right now (also thank u so much i struggle writing rich and jake but i get so emotional cause they would TOTES call each other babe)

how come you just use sketch form for most of your drawing (sketches and uses sketch for the final result)? im ,,, not really sure what this is asking but i thnk its along the lines of why do i only sketch my answers?? and i do that because dude do u see how often i post and how lONG some of them are. i made this blog for fun and i love doing comics but i hate lineart and coloring and if i tried to churn out finished pics for every post id defs have given up a few asks in,, shrugs

I want to say I love your little comics they're so funny! How long does it take you to make a comic? Are any of them based on your experiences? Ok have a nice day!  thank you! i love my little comics too! it usually takes me anywhere from an hour to five hours if im dragging my ass or talking on discord while im drawing. it can be kinda exhausting but since i took my break ive also been like, starting long comics one day and finishing them another day which, before i would do it all in one sitting then post it hahha. AS FOR EXPERIENCE the first half of the lifeguard comic was based on real life! we were stuck stoned up there for like an hour or two? but we didnt have anyone to help us but we got down eventually!! the wendys comic is also something i did because man!! i need to compliment food workers if they do a good job!! ummmmm just like jenna i also have a friend that said HAHA BYE and moved to cali and she is also lIVING IT UP and doing really well for herself and shes very independent and shes very inspiring to me! hmm i think thats it besides i used to have movie nights with my dad all the time too except we would watch my fave animated movies and sometimes lord of the rings cause my dad loved that

What kinds of things can we NOT ask ? What kinds of things do you WANT us to ask ? i covered the what not to ask in the first question so!!! um if my askbox is open and u want to respond to previous asks ive answered for the boys that would be so so so rad. sometimes im done with a certain ask and i have nothing to add but sometimes ive got more to say but am looking for an opportunity! that being said it made me really happy that i got a lot of asks about pj? shes not going to the main focus of any more asks but!!! i was nervous to introduce her and im glad u guys like her shes fun to write. but overall just general asks i can make a big ol fun story out of so!! dont worry too much about what to ask, if its something ud ask a real person and not like “lol what if ur dad died” ur gunna be fine probably

Hi! Not a question but your blog is so sweet and refreshing! I actually really appreciate that you refuse angst, that stuff tends to rub me the wrong way in fandoms... Keep taking good care of these boys ! gggg thank u!!! it means a lot to me that a lot of people are backing me up on this! i mean if u are an angst fan there are a lot of askblogs that explore that!! so its not in short supply bmc askblog fandoms got something for everyone

Which drawing program do you use?? i use paint tool sai and my tablet is a cintiq !!

this isn't really related to the faq but that bakunawa boy reference was great I LOVE THAT FIC MAN!!! the line was originally a little diff in that ask but i changed it cause ,,,, i could,,,,

an art style question. how do you keep the design of characters consistent from frame to frame? my characters they look a lil different every time I draw em (or a lot different) and it tends to disrupt the flow of my comics/animations ohh boy hoo wee props for doing animations im too scared to give that a whirl but!! it helps that i draw all the panels for an ask on one canvas! so if my next panel is going to be the same character in the same spot just in a diff pose i keep the lower layer on just at low opacity so i can use it as a ref! that helps me a lot!

Sorry if I'm nosy or rude, but are you reflecting Micheal Anxiety, Panic attacks and depence? iii think this is asking if i reflect my own issues onto them boys? and if so then yes i do. i dont place any of my own personality or anything on the boys but i do use them as a way to help me learn how to cope with my own shit and i try to deal with their issues in the healthiest way possible while also keeping in mind they are flawed individuals aaa

what are your pronouns??? and maybe your main blog??  im a cis girl so she/her is good! and my main is squigglegigs! also that being said IF YOU SEE THE USERNAME SQUIGGLEGIGS ANYWHERE JUST?? ASSUME ITS ME?? i have a twitter and an instagram and my tumblr account 

((Hello mod will Michael and Jeremy eventually someday get together. I love them.)) if all goes according to plan yes! if i get overwhelmed and stop having fun on this blog then no! sorry thems the breaks but! i do want them to get together so HOPEFULLY

going off on that confrience on pornogrefy for birds, Im geussing jeremy has played Hatoful Boyfriend. am I wrong? well it wasnt intended as that ref and i dont know anything about hatoful boyfriend but i can see jerm finding it and playing it so, sure homie! the pornography for birds thing is a my brother my brother and me reference! i love that show and them boys so give it a scope!

I'm crying bcuz Michael said he's in love with Jeremy and it's beautiful yeah that boy is DEEP IN love with his bro bro

Any advice for running an ask blog?? (Ps i love this blog keep it up) personally whats worked for me so far is doing just sketches for art. honestly ive been able to work so much more and post so much more often while also trying to work on my expressions and poses! also taking my own experiences and shaping them to fit the characters has been SO MUCH FUN. th most important thing tho is,,, dont overwork urself dude. if ur having a fun time it shows. if ur just forcing urself to churn out material and its not fun? like shit we doing this for free dont push urself? idk idk overall being looser with my art and writing the dialogue before hand has been the most helpful for me for this askblog! ive run a bunch before including @ask-maz and ive run that sporadically for ,, three or four years? its so funny cause u can see my art style juMP AROUND SO MUCH but i love that blog and i only update it like every other month or so but?? i still like doing it and no on likes those posts but it makes me smile so ANYWAYS

~ok from here on its mostly just me replying to nice messages or people asking me personal questions that dont pertain to askguyslikeus so!!~

I just wanted to say I really really love your blog and just your art in general!! Keep up the good work and hope you're having fun! thank u!!! i am having fun and im glad u enjoy it!!

What other musicals do you like? :0  i really like heathers A LOT. i also like doctor horrible i know thats not technically a musical but i just relistened to it and im emotional. i like dear evan hansen but it makes me really sad so i can only take it in moderation! ummm rent? chicago?? music man? now im just naming musicals i was in rip. being in a musical fandom is a new thing to me? i was really into heathers last year but didnt really interract with the fandom at SO THIS IS SUPER NEW?? ive never been into a musical as much as im into bmc and heathers tho

tell us a little bit about urself!! u seem v cool i am squigs or fork!! im 24 and work fulltime as a barista at starbucks! i get high on the beach with my friend gwen a lot and drink wayy to many slushies, my tv shows are brooklyn nine nine and bobs burgers right now! i table at conventions sometimes and sell my art as merch and whatnot and i cosplay as a hobby as well. im pretty boring but i draw a lot and always carry my big sketchbook with me and im pretty sure its given me back issues BUT OH WELL HAHA also i am very not cool THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Who do you most relate to from bmc and why? like ,,, a mix of michael and christine with a sprinkle of jeremy i guess ahaha i relate to michaels dependency issues and overarching positive attitude and love of music, i relate to christines bright disposition and the need to not stick to one set thing? like she loves theater cause she can be sO MANY PEOPLE and like same homie thats why i cosplay. and jeremys need to be likes while also ability to put himself out there is very relatable. i also identify strongly with his dad issues idk idk whats good

Also -- just thank you for how you handled all the panic attack and anxiety attack asks. I used to deal with anxiety attacks multiple times a day and it just was really nice that it was positive and not them having one. Thank you, sincerely. ahhhhhh ur so welcome i,,, have anxiety and it sucks and i deal with panic attacks like everyday at work so i dont really wanna come home and draw someone having one i guess? im glad its helping other people too tho!

Dude- I love your art? Actually so much? It's... I love it. The whole sketch-ish way your art style is, and the way you color, and the expressions! I'm so glad I found your work - you've given me so much inspiration. Keep doin what you're doin and I hope you have a good day! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANytime any one compliments my expressions i die cause i legit made this blog to help with that as well ,,, like dam

im lvoe ur art style b o i :0 !!!!!!

Mod, I love you so much I love you you have my soul and my love and my eternal gratitude thank you and I love you (This is the guy who was excited about PJ on your ig live stream a while ago and I love you) !!!!!!!!! im so happy u like my content omg and that u like pj im so glad!! shes a good bean

I just wanna say... I'm crying over that post about Michael and his anxiety? cuz I know how it can feel that you're only your flaws and weaknesses, but Michael just tells that to screw off in the most wonderful way and I'm?? thank you so much for that post, I bookmarked it for future times when I can't look past my depression... honestly, that post made my day (along with every other post on this blog), thank you for being such a lovely part of this fandom ,,,, im,,,, im scared of a lot of this fandom tbh but if i can be something good that come out of it and my love of these boys and desire to show them functioning together in a healthy way can help other people its so much more than i ever thought id ever be able to do. i am blown away everyday by the support ive been given on this blog and i might be crying right now because i never thought id be able to touch other people like this and i just. im really glad yall are here with me for all this.

(To the mod: You are a beautiful person that I highly respect. I love this blog and what you set out to do. thanks for giving something that makes me smile and gives me something to look forward to everyday, keep up the good work! ❤ ) hey im still crying from the previous ask aaaaa im honestly so emotional

what are ur true feelings for wendy's??? i fucking love wendys man thats some top tier fast food right there

what fast food restaurant do you think has the best nuggets WENDYS HANDS DOWN

do you have a favorite movie? paranorman makes me very nostalgic and ive seen it like eighty times and used to watch it with my dad a lot and i love it

I would just like you to know that your Wendy's comic prompted me to pull the same thing with a bakery in the town I'm visiting and the baker got so excited and happy, so thank you for making that comic because I made that woman's day. GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME WHEN IM WORKING DUDE LIKE IM SO GLAD IT MADE U DO THIS!!! IM SMILING REALLY BIG!!

chocolate milk or strawberry milk? or plain? woops i hate milk im so sorry

do u love michael mell with all of ur heart, mod?  i really truly do man what a fucking good ass character

hi squigs i love you! i love your content too and i hope u have a good day pal :>  WHAT A SWEET BEAN!!! THANK YOU?? OMG

I'm just saying that recent ask you did with Michael really hit me hard because I really related to it and I started crying because it made me realize that I've been pining my self worth on everything my anxiety causes and I'm so much more than that. Thank you, so much for that I really needed it because I'm in a really bad place right now. <3 -for the mod i legit cry everytime i get asks or dms like this cause once again the idea that im helping other people is so ovwehelming i love you??? i let myself just be”depressed” for ahwile and by that i mean i just,, let my sadness consume me and i was scared of getting better cause the sadness was all i knew for so long and just. its so easy to think u are ur illness but you are so much more. soooo much more man.

I relate A Lot to Michael so the way you portray him in the blog is really good, and I think it's really awesome you refuse to like?? do terrible stuff and answer bad questions just bc people wanna see that. You run this blog really well 👌  AHHHH THis is the biggest compliment thank u so much ,,, i get real anxious bout this blog soemtiems but then yall send me sweet things like this and its worth it man

Hey mod, just know you're a really cool person. Thanks for running this blog in the first place. Keep doing the great work.  thank you!!!! for ur support!!!! 

not really a question!! i just wanted to say your posts on this blog always brighten my day and you're really an incredible artist and person, keep rockin on my dude!! *clutching my heart* the fuck this is so sweet

1 .I just wanted to say your blog is really awesome! It's very lovely. I also like how you made michael trans and like handled it? (just with how all the characters treat him and stuff its v nice). Your art is super duper! Thanks for running this awesome blog! 2. Hey! This isn't a question but I wanted to say that I appreciate michael being trans!! As a trans boy it's just rly awesome to see something like that casually thrown into an ask blog without making it a huge weird deal :D immm,,, i kinda really love the idea of michael being trans cause a lot of my trans male friends are actually pretty confident in their skin and michael is a very confident character? and u rarely see that with trans representation and its so refreshing to see it portrayed well. im trying to do that here but again if! i do anything wrong let me know!

how did you first get into art? (also i really love your blog, it's amazing!) ive been drawing as long as i remember! ive got mad adhd and wasnt diagnosed until late in ym life so i would just draw nonstop in my classes ahaha i used to read the sunday comics a lot and they really inspired me to try and make comics of my own too!! (and omg thank u) 

someone also asked me if i went to church or was religious but tumblr ate the ask but i used to go to church a lot as a kid but im currently not religious at all aaa

ok holy shit that was a lot but thanks again to everyone i legit cry a lot about how supportive u all are thank u so much aaaa

#modpost #holy fuck that was so much

[picascribit]

Discards: original notes

Because someone asked about my writing process, I’ve decided to share with y’all the original notes I wrote up for Discards when the idea first came to me, all at once in the middle of the night (which I just happened to find in my email drafts). You can see how much the story evolved from my initial thoughts. You’ll notice a few ideas that were dropped from the final version, some pretty significant ones that were added in later, or grew in the telling, and how some of it survived the whole process, and ended up exactly as written in the finished story. Putting it under a cut because it’s very long.

R/S in their early 20s. S is a librarian at the main branch of the seattle public library. R is a community college student studying psychology and gender/sexuality, with an eye towards working with LGBT youth.

Remus was kicked out by his parents when they found out he was gay at ~15/16. He dropped out of high school, and did survival sex work, living on the street. He contracted HIV, but was lucky enough to catch it early. He's managing his condition. Be sure to work in mentions of taking his meds and seeing doctors. Still homeless, but working hard to get out of it. Got his GED, and some community college scholarships. Still sleeps at shelters or rough. Can't get benefits if you're a student?

At a shelter, he met Lily, who was there with her family. Since then, Lily's parents got subsidised housing, and Lily lives with them in their one bedroom apartment. Petunia moved in with her boyfriend. Lily works as a waitress, and volunteers at a soup kitchen on weekends, where Remus is still getting some of his meals. Sometimes Remus crashes on Lily's floor, but they don't really have room for him.

Remus is still doing sex work to pay for some of his college, some food, bus fare, and study drugs that keep him alert and focused.

Sirius was also kicked out by his very wealthy parents as a teenager, possibly for being trans. He moved in with Jame's family, and is still living with them, but he's trying to work towards independence. Wants to get his own place, pay for his his own top surgery, etc. James's mother got him the library job.

When the story opens, SB has been watching this cute hipster looking guy at a study table for half the day, whenever he has a spare minute. Knows he's not supposed to hit on patrons. Watches RL go to the self-checkout computers at the end of the afternoon, and search his pockets before coming over to the desk.

"I forgot my library card. Is there any way I can still check these out?" "Sure. What's your name?" "Remus Lupin. L-U-P-I-N." "Phone number?" SB asks, wishing he were asking for himself, and knowing it's not ethical to copy down a patron's number. RL gives it to him. SB begins to check out the books, noticing that they're all about sex and sexuality. "They're for a class," RL says, blushing. "I wasn't going to ask," SB assures him with a smile. "Patrons' interests are none of our business." RL thanks him and hurries out. Remus, SB thinks. His name is Remus. hopes he'll come back soon.

A week or so later, SB encounters RL in the stacks when he's reshelving books. Human sexuality section again. Tells him not to reshelve books himself, since one of the metrics library funding is based on is how many books they reshelve. RL hesitates, the book halfway onto the shelf. "Oh. I didn't know that." He pulls the book back, hesitates again, and then pulls three more off the shelf. "Should I just give them to you, or ...?" "You can give them to me. Or leave them on the cart at the end of the row." RL hands him the books. SB notices RL is a few inches shorter than him, and has long fingers. "Thanks. Remus, right? I'm Sirius. I checked you out the other day." SB says, belatedly remembering that he's wearing a nametag, and that Remus already knows his name, if he cared to look. RL looks startled to be remembered, but nods. "So, you're a student? What's your major?" SB asks, knowing full well that he's not supposed to be asking patrons personal questions. RL nods and tells him about studying psych with a focus on gender/sexuality. "Oh. That sounds interesting." "It is." Awkward silence. Sb wants to keep talking to RL, but RL is wary of strangers and of letting people get close to his life. "What are you thinking of doing with it?" "I want to be a counselor or therapist. Find find a way to do some good in the world." "That sounds noble." "I guess," RL shrugs. "I just want to help people." RL throws SB a bone. "Working in a library must be pretty interesting, too. Did you study Library Science." "Nah, I haven't been to college yet. My mom's a big patron of the arts. She talked to some people and got me the job." "Oh," says RL, closing off a little more. "Well, that was nice of her." "Yeah." more awkward silence. SB wants to let RL know he's queer. Reaches past him for a book on the top shelf, with an unambiguously queer focus (maybe Levithan's anthology). "I recommend this one, if you're interested in queer studies. It's one of my favourites. The editor writes some really good queer YA fiction, too, if that's your thing." "Thanks," says RL, adding the book to his stack. "I'll check it out. And check it out." They both laugh awkwardly. "Well, see you around," says SB. "Yeah. See you."

[Scene with SB and JP, where SB tells him about this cute guy he met at the library. "You're always meeting cute guys at the library." "Yeah, but I think this one might be queer. At least, he's studying gender and sexuality. I don't think a lot of straight guys do that." JP shrugs, and lets SB gush a bit. "So are you going to ask him out?" "I dunno. I mean, I can't at work, can I? It's unprofessional. I'd have to find a way to see him outside work, and ask him then." JP laughs. "Catch-22. You can't see him outside work unless you see him outside work." SB laughs, too, but then sobers up. "If I did ask him out, d'you think he'd mind about -- you know." JP shrugs. "Probably only one way to find out."]

A few days later, RL comes right up to the desk to check out his books, not even bothering with the self-checkout computers. "I read that book you recommended. It was really good. Thanks." "I'm glad you liked it." RL has one of Levithan's fiction books in his stack today. "Oh, that's a good one, too. I hope you like it." RL gives him a smile. "I'll let you know."

[maybe this is where we follow RL to the bus, and to the soup kitchen, see him talk to LE about the hot guy at the library who he thinks might have been hitting on him. "I've never given a guy that hot my number before." "ooh! You gave him your number?" "Not really. He asked for it, professionally, when I was checking out books." "What does he look like?" "Tall, dark hair, gray eyes. Way out of my league." "Don't sell yourself short, Remus." RL rolls his eyes. "I'm not exactly a catch, am I?" LE smiles at him. "I'd catch you. If you were into girls. I bet we'd both get moved up the housing list if we got married." RL laughs, knowing it's half a joke. "You'd be wasted on me. Someday you'll make some guy very happy." "So will you. What makes Library Boy so unattainable, anyway?" "He said his mom is a 'patron of the arts'. Probably means he has money coming out of his ass. Unless he's into homeless guys, I'm probably out of luck." LE asks him if she can walk him to [shelter name]. RL says he has to work. She hugs him. "Stay safe."]

Next time he's at the library, RL is stretching and thinking about how hungry he is, when SB appears at his table. "Hey, I'm just about to go on my lunch break, and you look like you could use a break, too. Care to join me? My treat." RL hesitates, but there's no way he can turn down free food, and SB is hot. He packs up his books and papers and follows SB to the library cafe, where there is nothing more complicated than soup and sandwiches. "Get whatever you want," SB tells him. They get their food and find at table, and then RL realises that this means he's going to have to talk to SB about himself. Don't panic, he tells himself. Stick to school stuff. Not actually sure this is a date, but suspects it is. Sb asks if he liked the Levithan book. RL says he hasn't had a chance to read it yet. It's been a busy week. SB talks more about which Levithan books he loves (maybe mention some with trans characters), and how he has been reading them for ages, ever since he first realised he was queer. "Sometimes it seemed like they were my only friends. Apart from James." Tells RL about getting kicked out, and living with James's family, and how lucky he is, but doesn't mention yet being trans. RL doesn't talk about getting kicked out, because he doesn't want to tell SB about being homeless, but he agrees that SB is lucky, and says his own parents weren't thrilled about his sexuality, either. "It sucks, doesn't it?" says SB. "They tell you your family are the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, but sometimes they can be the biggest, most judgmental dicks of all." "Yeah." Now that they are out to each other, RL can talk a little bit about wanting to work with queer youth, who are at high risk of homelessness, mental illness, and exploitation. SB thinks it's great RL is doing that. RL thinks it was the only way i could save myself: by realising that if I did, I could save other people, too. When SB's lunch hour is up, he says this was nice, and maybe they could do it again sometime. RL doesn't want to commit, in case SB might say it's his turn to treat next time. "Yeah, maybe."

[Scene where SB and JP talk about the "date". SB comments that it always seems like RL is ready to run off, or like he's afraid someone is going to jump on him.]

On another day, RL falls asleep, exhausted, at a study table. SB wakes him at closing time. RL is dismayed and starts shoving papers and books into his bag. He has classes that evening, and he's going to be late. Sb says he's off in 10, and can drive him, which is faster than the bus. RL hesitates, then agrees. He's starting to worry about being in SB's debt. There is a severe imbalance in their relationship to date. In the car, SB is kind of nervous. Tells RL that he doesn't want him to feel like he's trapping him or anything. but he's not allowed to hit on patrons at work, and he really likes RL, so here's his phone number, if he ever wants to talk or text. Again, RL says, "Maybe. Thanks."

[scene where RL and LE discuss the situation, and LE asks if RL is going to call SB. RL still isn't sure.]

[Scene of texting. "Hey. It's Remus." "Hey. I was hoping you'd text. What's up?" "Not much. Just been talking to my friend Lily." "Lily, huh? Should I be jealous?" "Probably. She's pretty hot. If you're into girls." "And you're not?" "Nope." "Well then maybe I should meet her." "Are you into girls?" "Sometimes." "Fair." "I'm more into boys, though. There's this cute guy who keeps coming into the library. I'm not sure he's into me, though. Always seems like he's looking for an escape route." "Maybe if you tell me a little more about him, I can help you figure it out." "Well, he's smart and good looking, and he's going to school so he can learn to help kids." "You make him sound pretty good. I think I've seen him. Skinny as a stick? Always looks tired?" "emoji* The guy I'm thinking of is medium height, with light brown hair that he uses to hide the most gorgeous brown eyes you ever saw. Think someone like me might have a shot with a guy like that?" "Maybe. Someone like you could have a shot with a lot of guys." "*smirk emoji* You think if I invited him for a stroll down the Dewey Decimal trail next time he's at the library, he'd say yes?" "I guess you'll have to ask him when he comes in tomorrow afternoon." "I might just do that. Thanks for the advice." "No problem. Let me know how it goes." "I will. Good night." "Night."]

Next day, RL is having some second thoughts about the late night texting. Thinks he let his guard down too much, and gave Sb too much encouragement, when RL can't follow through without telling him things about his life that will probably scare SB off. SB approaches him and says, "I've got a break coming up, and a little bird told me you might take a walk with me from the reference section down to xxx." [describe layout of SPL] RL has decided that he needs to talk to SB about how he can't do this, and a walk is as good a time as any, so he packs up and follows him up the stairs to the top of the catalogue. Every now and then, they stop to "sightsee" a rare book that SB thinks is interesting. Somewhere in an empty row of biographies, RL turns to SB and says, "Listen, I really like you, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page before things went any further." "Oh. OK," says SB, looking a little disappointed. "Does this mean the rest of our walk is canceled?" "No. It doesn't have to be." "Good. So, with the understanding that this isn't a relationship, and isn't going to suddenly turn into one, would it be OK if we held hands?" "Um ... sure." SB's hands are warmer than RL's, but they are both damp and clamy with nervousness. Sb seems content for the rest of their walk, and they talk about inconsequential things. SB shows off some more books. Down at the low numbers, they find themselves in a quiet spot again, and SB turns to RL and asks softly, "So, just as friends, would it be OK if I kissed you?" RL's heart is pounding. He doesn't think he's ever kissed anyone as attractive as SB before. Certainly no one as attractive as SB has ever expressed an interest in kissing him. He nods. The kiss is very warm and pleasant, and leaves them both a little breathless. SB has to get back to work, and RL to studying, but it's hard for him to focus. He takes a pill and continues, trying not to think about SB's soft gray eyes and pink lips.

[Scene between SB and JP. SB is halfway on cloud nine because of the kiss, but disappointed that RL isn't interested in a relationship, and also that RL left the library without saying goodbye.. "If you get to kiss him anyway, then what's the big deal? He likes you. Be happy." "I dunno. I guess you're right." "Have you told him about ...?" "Not yet. I mean, it doesn't really matter unless things are going to go beyond kissing, does it? And if we only ever see each other at the library, that's not going to happen."]

[Scene between RL and LE. RL is kind of freaking out and wondering if he should have let SB kiss him like that. But it was really nice. Can't remember the last time someone kissed him that way. Tells LE about telling SB he doesn't want a realtionship. "Why not?" "Because ... I can't. I can't have a relationship with someone without telling them everything. And if I tell him everything, it's over." "You don't know that." "I do. Just ... let me have this for a little while." "You deserve to be happy, Remus." "Yeah, well, how many people actually get what they deserve?"]

[texting conversation where RL apologises for not saying goodbye before leaving the library. "Big surprise. The guy who looks like he's always going to run off ran off." "Yeah. Sorry. I kind of freaked." "It's OK. I know you'll be back. If not for me, then for the books." "Yeah." "Sorry if I came on too strong. I didn't mean to scare you off." "I didn't mind." "Are you going to start avoiding me now?" "No. I don't think so." "Well that's good. So what do you think are the chances of it happening again sometime?" "I'm not looking for a relationship, Sirius." "You said. kissing does not equal relationship. At least, it doesn't have to if you don't want it to. I enjoyed kissing you. I'd like to do it again sometime." "I liked it too." "Good."]

The next couple of weeks, RL makes as much time to visit the library as possible. He and SB kiss in many deserted rows, and SB shows him some of the library's rare book rooms, which are often empty. When RL goes to check out his books at the end of the day, SB mentions to him that he has an overdue. "Yeah. I'm not done with it yet." "I can renew it for you." "Thanks." (might need to start this part earlier in the story)

Weeks pass, and the same book is overdue again. "Still not done with it?" RL can't meet his eyes. "No." SB renews again. Next time the book is due, there's a hold on it. SB can't renew it. Library only has one copy. "Sorry; you'll have to bring it back next time." RL doesn't and doesn't and doesn't. Finally admits the book was lost. "Oh, that's too bad." says SB. Looks up the replacement value, and sucks in his breath. "Ooh, that's a pricey one, too. That sucks." Tells RL the amount. RL looks pale. No way he can afford to replace the book. He'll ask whether the library will send a notification the the address he has on file, and asks them not to, because it's his parents' address. Sb says he can update RL's mailing address. RL says no. Can't check out anymore books with a fine that large pending. RL just has to use books at the library after that, which is very inconvenient. Gets snappish when SB asks if he wants to get a coffee. Says he doesn't have time for that. He needs to use his library time to study. SB says, "Look, is it the fine? It's not a big deal. You can pay if off over time." "Yes, it's a big deal," RL hisses. "It's a very big deal to me, Sirius. I can't pay it off. Now or ever. I have student loans coming out of my ears. I don't have steady employment. I have to eat. Don't you get it? I have no money." "Well, could you borrow it from you parents?" RL winces. "No." "I could pay it for you. I don't mind." "I don't want to be in debt to you." "You wouldn't be." RL looks at him, unconvinced. "Wouldn't I? No thanks. Our relationship is unbalanced enough as it is." "I thought we didn't have a relationship." "Our -- whatever this is." Rl waves a hand between them. "I don't want you paying my way, just because you have money and I don't." "OK, then what do you suggest? Because you clearly need to check out books, and you can't right now." "I'll just study here," RL mumbles. "I'll be fine."

RL goes out and works for a few nights. Doesn't come back to the library for a few days. When he comes back, he looks tired, but he has the money in cash. "Here. That's all of it. I can take out books now, right?" "Yeah." RL's hair is hanging down to hide a bruise. SB finds him later, and asks if his parents hit him. "I thought you weren't supposed to ask patrons personal questions." "I wasn't asking as your librarian, I was asking as your friend." "Then no. It wasn't my parents."

[one-sided text conversation, a few messages from SB, asking whether everything is ok. No reply from RL.]

As finals approach, RL becomes more exhausted-looking and strained. There is no kissing happening anymore. SB is becoming more and more worried about RL. Tells him he has to take breaks. It's not good for him. Hasn't even seen him drink water since he sat down this morning. "Have you been spying on me?" "No. I've been worried about you. C'mon, at least come get some coffee. I'm buying." RL is too weak to argue, and coffee sounds lovely. He stands up, takes a few steps, sways, and starts to fall. SB catches him. "Are you OK?" "Just -- a little lightheaded." "When was the last time you ate something?" "I dunno. Yesterday?" "Fuck. I'm buying you lunch. No arguments." RL follows him meekly. SB watches him eat, like a hawk. "You look like hell. why haven't you been eating?" RL shrugs. "You need to eat to keep your strength up and keep your brain working. You want to pass your finals, don't you?" "Yeah." "So?" Rl shrugs again, looking down. "Food costs money." "You can't afford to eat?" "I can't afford to do lots of things." Sb offers to drive RL home at the end of the day. Doesn't want him fainting on the way. "I'm fine now. Thanks." SB is unconvinced. The more he pushes to drive RL home, the more defensive RL gets. SB gets exasperated. "You tell me you can't afford to eat, you won't let me see where you live, and you show up with bruises on your face. what the hell is going on, Remus? If you're in trouble, I want to help you." "Well, you can't. And I won't let you." "Will you at least tell me about it?" "If I do, you might never speak to me again." "That's ridiculous. What could possibly be that bad?" RL finally tells him about his parents kicking him out and being homeless. How he sleeps at shelters sometimes or crashes on a friend's floor, or sleeps rough. SB stares at him. "You made out with a homeless guy. Are you grossed out yet?" "No. But -- you're going to school. You're not homeless homeless. Are you?" "Yeah, I am. A lot of people have jobs and go to school and don't have a place to live. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's kind of hard." "Yeah, I bet," says SB, looking stunned. "You have no idea. You couldn't possibly." "Probably true. Won't you -- let me do something for you?" "No. I don't want your charity." "And I don't like seeing my friends suffer needlessly." "Well, there's one easy solution. You don't have to be friends with me." RL gets up and walks out.

[discussions with BFFs. Does SB tell JP? Does JP think RL was trying to shake SB down for a handout? "I don't think so. He seemed pretty adamant that he didn't want anything from me." "I can't believe you had a crush on a homeless guy." "Have." "What?" "I have a crush on a homeless guy. He's still a great guy. He's just going through some hard stuff."]

Next time RL and SB see each other, RL asks "You aren't going to try to give me anything again are you?" "No. But if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here." "Thanks," RL tells him grudgingly. RL doesn't take him up on it right away.

Eventually RL tells him about having sex with men for money, and being HIV+. Of course SB is shocked, but at the end of it, he still wants to kiss RL and does. Asks if that's why RL didn't want to have a relationship. "Pretty much." "You still don't want to?" "I dunno. Why? Do you?" "Maybe."

Maybe the happy ending is SB getting his own place, and RL graduating from CC. SB says RL can come over any time he needs to. Do SB and James get a place together? And RL brings LE to their housewarming?

#pica's fanfic #discards