#anyway. all of this to say that i am not using patterns bc trying to mix reading with learning a new thing is just. not happening

[milkweedman]

Attempting some tablet weaving for the first time. I have essentially no idea what im doing--i did watch a few videos which mostly went in one ear and out the other, as well as look for some written guides which were completely indecipherable if for no other reason than Reading Hard.

The warping was fiddly but straightforward, and the first several inches are totally botched bc i wasnt really creating a clean warp shed bc i had no idea what belonged to what half, but after i figured that out it got way neater ! I'm not really concerned about how it looks though. This first attempt will serve its purpose either way, which is to be a bag handle so that i don't have to crochet or knit one. Yes i did finally try tablet weaving just to avoid knitting or crocheting more straps.

Also wow, these cards really arent going to last very long. I pulled them out of the 5 deck hand and foot set (hence why they're all 3s, since thats the worst card to get and i figured removing a few wouldnt be missed), but if id realized they deteriorate so fast i definitely would have just used something else. Oh well though.

Also, i had a feeling this would hurt my back, and indeed it does. I lasted about 10 minutes before it was too much. Might need to use a chair next time.

#was talking to my fiance about dyslexia earlier and have been thinking abt it a lot recently #was diagnosed as a teenager at the same time as the adhd #mostly dont think abt it and generally considered it not to affect me that badly #but i have a theory abt why i csnt read anymore and why written patterns are SO hard to follow #which is that i think reading for me takes a LOT of mental energy and focus #and if im low on that for whatever reason anything more than a few sentences is just utterly insurmountable and i can't read it #its even worse in any language other than english which baffled me for years #but ! my fiance was telling me how he has an easier time reading english than anything else bc he practiced SO MUCH trying to read normally #in english but didn't do the same in hindi or anything else #which like. oh. yeah. i also tried way harder with english bc that's what school was in and i was desperate to not be seen as stupid #which also explains why reading aloud in any language other than english is so so hard #reading hamlet aloud for english lit: god this sucks but i do love hamlet #reading dante's inferno (french translation) aloud in french lit: oh my god i hate every second of this and i think i will die from nerves #reading childrens poetry aloud in russian for my intro to russian class: if i dropped dead right now that would be preferable #and like my russian pronunciation was not the problem here #i could have a conversation with my teacher in russian okay #and i know cyrillic ! no problems there #but having to read it aloud ?? exhausting and miserable #anyway. all of this to say that i am not using patterns bc trying to mix reading with learning a new thing is just. not happening #backstrap weaving #tablet weaving

[ambassadorarlert]

currently laying in bed sick and figured i’d get some things off my chest

being on tumblr and interacting w ppl on here is strange bc 2023 was the roughest year of my entire life, like no joke. irl and online, i’ve been forced to stay quiet, hidden, and endure being burnt from every possible angle. i’ve gotten out of one toxic cycle barely by the skin of my teeth and the second chance of life i was given would be a wasted if i didn’t change the way i live and think.

this blog used to be a safe haven for me, a place where i could share my writing (which is something I wanted to get back into since falling out of it for years.) i had a huge medical accident, and never got treated properly for it because I couldn’t afford to see a doctor (financial abuse woo!! 😀) and was gaslight to believe certain things weren’t as they seemed, so my health was pushed to the back burner and i had to press on for someone who never even loved me. now that i’m away from that situation, i’ve been trying to not put pressure on myself to write and upload. i see writing as a whole an art and the things i want to create cannot be rushed or mass produced, which is what a lot of younger people are used to and why they’re so rude and demanding requests, why they don’t read rules or respect boundaries, why they say out of pocket shit because they’re used to commenting on their fav creator/celebs pics without repercussions. writers aren’t influencers or content creators — we’re people who do what we love for free. no creators programs to pay us and gives us platforms, no sponsorships, some of us don’t even get tips. when i see mutuals leave certain fandom spaces because of hate, it genuinely makes me sad.

on top of abuse irl, i’ve been getting abused on here as well. internet harassment hardly constitutes as “bullying” in the eyes of some but not to me. this is an especially hard topic for me to talk about, and i can hardly be vague about it because it will kick up a bunch more shit. but if want see the change, i have to speak up. if i want to be comfortable, i first have to get used to be uncomfortable. I never said anything until now, because it’s been dragged out long enough. they’re younger than me and are clearly suffering psychological issues. i for real don’t want them to be hurt. but it’s hard to not notice what they’re doing when they’re doing it. they keep tabs on everything i say and people i talk to, make blogs and remake blogs when I block them. i don’t have definite proof of this part in particular, but i suspect they go around and tell stories about me which makes sense as to why mutuals i’ve made will block/unfollow me out of the blue. (anyone can block who they want for whatever reason they want, but the pattern is there and it’s strange.) i’m sure they’ll try to take this post and create an issue, victimize themselves and change the narrative, but I don’t care anymore. i mentioned no names and i said what i said.

i want my blog back. i want to write my silly fics and stories. i want to be able to support people unapologetically and see all the self ships, say what i want to say and post what i want to post and show ppl that love is everything and there’s no place for hate in 2024. i’ve always been outspoken and called bullshit when i smelled it, and have said whatever has come to my mind. so if there’s anything I’ve ever said that may have offended someone in anyway, i actually truly am sorry and will 100% say it to your face if need be. its easy for me to troll real trolls, and stick up for other people who have a hard time defending themselves. i need to learn how to do the same for myself, and relearn how to take care of myself. i feel more comfortable doing that one step at a time.

#totally don’t have to read this btw #im just venting fr #text post #i’ve written this so many times but never uploaded it

[cosmicjoke]

i am so sorry u had to deal with that anon, i hope you are feeling ok! :’) it sucks how shippers make their own reputation bad by not accepting another perspective/opinion :/ and to go to this extent over a fictional ship is just… something else😭 i’ll never understand how some can’t just enjoy their ship in peace and always have to prove it is canon and fight everyone else who doesn’t think like them, as if you can’t enjoy a ship otherwise?

anon just reminded me why i never took an interest in any levi ship, and i probably never will. i sooo wanted to say that i didn’t understand why anon suddenly started to hate on levi x oc shippers, but it’s obvious bc most oc’s are depicted as women and that is against their ‘canon’ ship and beliefs about levi😭 why care so much, levi can be whatever sexuality you want seeing as nothing was confirmed, so just take a step back, touch some grass and let people enjoy whatever they like :’)

anyways, once again im sorry u had to deal with all of that i can’t even imagine how tiring or frustrating it must be to always be attacked/asked about the same things constantly. i love your levi posts and i feel like you really analyze him very well! happy holidays :’)

Thank you so much, truly.

I've said again and again that I have nothing against any ship or shipping group. People can ship Levi with whoever they want. But these people who harass me over it, then accuse me of "talking" about it all the time, but the only reason I talk about it is because they're the ones asking me about it.

The thing is, is I just want to talk about what's in the actual story. Levi has no love interest in the story, either directly acknowledged or even implied. Everything this person sited as evidence or "proof" of Levi being romantically interested in Erwin, I addressed to the best of my abilities. They didn't want to accept it, and then they accuse me of being a hypocrite, trying to claim that all of my analysis posts are based on the same, speculative, inconclusive and flimsy material they base their beliefs on. As if breaking down text, expression, sequential order of panels, and patterns in the text and past character behavior is the same as taking an off-handed comment from Isayama in an interview from ten years ago or whatever and using it as proof of some super secret hidden romantic interest between Levi and Erwin. You can literally look at every post of mine analyzing AoT and find evidence supporting, pretty damn concretely, my conclusions in the actual text. And I'm hardly alone in that. There's many, many great AoT fans who write brilliant analysis posts about the manga/anime, using only the source material. But these people can never point to a single panel or word bubble or piece of text that supports this notion that Levi was in love with Erwin, or anyone, for that matter. They need to site promotional material to try and back up their claims, and extrapolate meaning from the panels and texts which isn't, in any discernible, concrete way actually supported by the text and panels. They literally need to twist Levi's words and actions in the most absurd, nonsensical, illogical manner in order to make it fit. That isn't how Isayama operates as a writer. Even when there's subtext, there's a clear, undeniable line between it and the action on the page. That's what analysis is based on, after all. There has to be a viable, evident reason for drawing certain conclusions.

Levi holding the serum against his chest, or touching Erwin's hand when he took the serum from him, or him thinking of Erwin when wondering who he could revive, none of that is enough proof in and of itself to support a romantic interest between them. I tried explaining to this person what those things actually indicate within the story. The last two don't mean anything. It's just how the panels were drawn. But the first, if this person had paid any kind of attention to Levi's actual relationship with Erwin, and how Levi regarded Erwin, and the reasons he was so loyal to Erwin, would understand that he thought of Erwin in that moment because he regarded Erwin as the leader that humanity needed, and that humanity's future was dependent on Erwin's survival. It's the entire reason Levi tried to stop Erwin from going to Shinganshina in the first place. I come to all of those conclusions based on the actual text and what we know about the characters leading up to that point.

I explained all of this to this fool in my initial reply to them, and they accused me of "brushing them off", lol.

Anyway, whatever. But thank you so much again for your support. I just can't seem to get away from these people, haha.

#Levi Ackerman #Erwin Smith

[bruciemilf]

Hihi I love ur batfam writing so much I love how u write them as daddy’s boys/girl and how bruce is so affectionate cuz!!!!! He is just!!! A guy with a big heart!!! I was wondering if you had any cass specific hcs cuz she’s my fave and I feel like she severely lacks tender hcs with Bruce from the fandom compared to her brothers 😞😞😞😞 like !! i rlly love the idea of her dancing while standing on his feet bc I used to do it at father daughter dances and I just think him dancing with her like that at maybe a gala and his baby girl being his “date” is just so cute 😭💀😭😭💀⛓️💀😭💀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 anyway I am sorry for the long writing ur acc and writing just makes me very happy :]]]

AAAAA don't apologize, I'm always super happy to receive asks!! AND about my favourite girl Cass no less! Oh man oh mannn

I love love love the headcanon that Cass has the easiest time receiving affection from Bruce. She soaks up hugs and forehead kisses and late, post nightmare cuddling like a cat sunbathing in summer.

I feel like she's got a smooth road in showing Bruce affection, too! Damn, you can't give your dad a hug without your daddy issues activating? Couldn't be me. Cass is generous with hand holding and koala hugging, and nose kisses and mid dance practice hugs.

I LOOOVE Cass being a clothes thief. I love love love love it. Even if Bruce only owns the same black shirt in different tones ("This is spring black, and this is wet asphalt black. There's a difference ") Cass is very happy to shimmy in it

There's like, nothing to support this headcanon, but I like to believe Cass wasn't confident in her own ability to touch something without hurting it. She touches anything and anything bleeds. That's how it's always been.

So I like to believe she observed her siblings, one by one, analysed their affection patterned and tried to decode which one Bruce responded to best and replicate it . It doesn't help her at all that every "style" is Bruce's favourite.

Eventually Bruce finds out, and says she couldn't hurt him worse than Gotham did, and he's still out there trying to make it better; You don't love someone for the sake of loving them. You love them for the sake of knowing them.

" You're my daughter; My number one girl," he smiles at her and it makes summer blush in her chest. " I'd have you no other way. " And that's when Cass realizes, she got her loving side from Bruce. She knows she loves the world because she loves Bruce.

#THEMMMM <333 #cassandra cain #bruce wayne #batman #dc #dc comics #text #text post #batfamily #batfam

[salted-caramel-tea]

what are your best and worst måneskin looks

on i had to condense this a lot bc there’s a lot of things i like and don’t like LMAOOOO

starting with my LEAST favourite things ❌❌❌

i love their more daring outfits but this one just feels so incohesive to me like they’re all dressed for a different event …. like i think their stylist was trying too hard to make them seem edgy sexy and different and it came out a way that was just not doing it for me . not a fan .

similarly this one …

i like ethan’s fit but i’m just . not rlly there with the rest of them . i will say tho when thomas takes off that fucking jacket he looks so hot like WOOF

^^^^^ this is good when you can see the shirt underneath i think the jacket kind of overwhelms the fit a bit . dam and vic got done dirty tho .

for this one it just felt too different for them for me like . i love their old kind of vintage vibe they had in 2021-2 but this one never hit the right marks for me it’s too far into extra that it’s almost branching into tacky for me TBH

lastly the sanremo fits ….. the nude illusion just never looked too fantastic to me . that’s all rlly . i don’t get like bella type sleeves on a nude illusion too that just didn’t seem right to me as well

anyway some of my FAVOURITES ✅✅✅

i cannot tell you how obsessed i am w the vent’anni music video and that era of måneskin with the kind of like 70s and glam rock aesthetic they were leaning into i loved it . they all look so good here .

ur gonna notice a theme here LMAOOOO but i cant help it hold on i’ll put the similar ones together but 2021 måneskin was top tier in my opinion ….

iwbys music video promo …. this was so iconic and i LOVE the fit of these outfits they’re super flattering and the patterns are just. this is elite . it’s giving off that kind of mix of the vintage and sexual vibes that they were going for at the time and all of their outfits tie into each other despite being pretty different and it suits them all as individuals in their own personalities it was iconic

SPEAKING OF ICONIC ‼️‼️ this is the outfit that made europe fall in love with them they all looked phenomenal and the jacket damiano wore when they weren’t performing was so amazing too this is genuinely their most iconic outfit ever this is what got us all here in the first place . always and forever MY eurovision winners

#måneskin

[boyswanna-be-her]

Lmao the walk was super fun but only two people showed up (my biggest fan, who was obvs gonna be there, and a new friend who we both met at the same time through volunteering which is cute and fun, he's a p good deal younger than us). Since it was just the 3 of us, we hiked the WHOLE trail system and had a blast. Got lunch afterwards. I invited them to come out to the beach with me, and my friend decided to follow me straight out and new boy went home first but then flaked and never ended up coming to the beach.

So the clown dance continued, we swam and sunned and laughed, came back to my apartment, eventually got hungry and went to dinner, our third meal together in a row today. At every point they were hesitant to leave and happy to be invited to do the next thing. The only reason why we're not together now is that we're supposed to lift tonight at their place with someone else joining, so they headed back to their own side of town while I went home to take a shower.

This is actually a great holding pattern as far as I'm concerned. We spend as much time and I'd be willing to spend with someone I was dating, and I enjoy spending time with them more than being alone (USUALLY more, sometimes they're in a mood and I'd rather split). It's been so long since I've ACTUALLY enjoyed someone's company more than my own that I wasn't sure that would ever even happen again for me. I'm happy with this. The chemistry is there but--and holy shit i can't believe im saying this--I don't actually want to risk our friend...ship? Lmao? Who am i?

I also made an offhand comment about planning something fun and they responded "I don't really drink so that can make it hard" and of course in light of recent life changes on my side I'm like 👀👀👀 that is the opposite of a problem! But it also makes me sad bc they have been drinking with me some on our off hours and it sounds like they were just trying to keep up with me/not murder the vibe and that was SO not necessary. It also makes some stuff track more in retrospect (like "oh what was up with them that night?" ends up being "they were sleepy bc they dont drink booze normally"). Anyway, since it came up organically I told them that I was actually working on my sobriety and that it was difficult with my parents as enablers/people who want a drinking buddy from their child--and wouldnt you fucking know, bc we have everything else in common, they also have the SAME dynamic w their parents. And they seemed happy that sobriety was something I was thinking about and valued, but possibly more relieved that I actually DO enjoy our time together when we're both sober and want to do more of that.

We're finally getting into some deeper shit and I'm learning about their history and what makes them tick. Like they speak their mind super freely, but they are SO private about their family and personal life to the point that it feels almost too intimate to learn some of this shit that people who have known them longer are oblivious about. On the other hand, I'm a open book about everything I've been through and my mental health but good fucking luck getting an earnest take out of me on anything unless i deeply trust you. It makes for a weird game of learning about each other. I thanked them today for being a friend who's down to clown with all of my stupid suggestions and admitted that I normally just do everything alone but it's more fun with them. They expressed it all back to me. Alone for a long time, fine with that, surprised to find me, thankful for that too. It's just like, hm. Very comfy. And I don't worry about being wanted or wearing out my welcome, and I don't get taken advantage of, and they stand up for me and do nice things for me, and feed me and worry about me. That's such a nice change for me from being either The Provider or a person who wants for nothing or no one. It's scary to want someone in my life, even in this capacity, but it's more rewarding than I thought it could be without, yknow, actively trying to date or hook up. I feel like the possibility of something more is stalking us from location to location like the monster in It Follows--sometimes our knees are nestled together while we talk and it's breathing down our necks and sometimes we're both distracted and moody and it's not something either is thinking too much about, but fuck if it isn't always there and a thing I think we will inevitably make a choice about in the future but.

#bfr

[beebbg]

wassupp i was wondering if you still write nsfw alphabets? if you by any chance still do can you write one for Catalyst preferably with a gn!reader, im so down bad for this woman it’s unreal 🧎

Honestly I am too, but I still do write them!

Tressa “Catalyst” Smith x Gn! Reader

Warnings: Nsfw, maybe some grammar mistakes

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Very cuddly-

Holds you close, legs tangled in each other, the mushy romance shit

Would almost if not always asks if you’re ok after

“Hey, you ok? I didn’t hurt you, right?” Tressa asks. She strokes the side of your face gently. The same as always. It wasn’t a bad thing. If anything, it’s an amazing thing. Having the woman you love so close and looking at you with basically heart eyes was the best thing you could ask for.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think it’s safe to say Tress’a favorite body part on her self are her hands

She can bend and twist them in ways to make you feel good or use the goopy goo (which she controls with her hands)

Her favorite part on you is your chest

Hearing your heartbeat quicken with each small touch she leaves on you is kinda arousing to her

She also loves to kiss that area leaving hickeys in the process and if she has her famous black lipstick on she leaves lipstick marks all over your chest

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Loves seeing it all over your face, gets her going

The way you would lick your lips to catch some and use your thumb to scoop some extra

She’s pretty much gone

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

She’s pretty vocal of the ideas she wants to try but for some reason she would want to fuck you in the middle of a match (with probably a high chance of getting caught)

She hasn’t told you but she may bring it up some day

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Most of her life she lived on Boreas (???) and hung out with her group so

I wouldn’t say she isn’t completely inexperienced, she knows stuff and have been in a few relationships here and there

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

She’s up to anything so it doesn’t really matter but I can see her being into the 69 (har har) position

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Not a big goof but can crack a joke when the moment’s right

Most of the time she takes it seriously but you guys still have a bit of fun

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

She’s very well groomed, doesn’t have a lot of hair

Probably has patterns

(She dyed her pubes blue)

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

VERY intimate, she makes you feel so loved it’s sickening

She goes slow and takes her time feeling you, every inch of your body is never left untouched

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

If you’re out for a long time and she thinks of you she’s gonna get off to whatever reminds her of you

Or anytime she thinks of you

But it’s not to the point where it’s everyday more like once in a while

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Gets off to being praised, it’s just her kink-

Like you complement her during the moment and she’ll be a mess

(No one can tell me otherwise)

“You’re so pretty.” You sigh, looking at Tressa in awe. This affected her because the next moment, her face went red.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

The bedroom or the couch in her living room

You guys can be watching a movie on the couch and then have you ripping her clothes off like mad man

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Do something hot

When she comes home to you wearing a new lingerie, she’s basically drooling

Or dress up in blue bc that’s hot

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

She’s not hurting you in anyway

Even if you’re ok with it she doesn’t want the people she love to get hurt

In this case you

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

She’s into giving a bit more, the satisfaction she would get by making you scream her name

Doesn’t mean she doesn’t also enjoy it-

But she def goes down on you and puts that mouth to use

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

More slow than fast

She takes her time with you, like said before she feels every inch of you

She also takes her time pleasing you

Smooth hands trail up the curves of your hips as you squirm under her touch. They’re cold, a big contrast to your warm skin. She takes all the time to feel every part of you. Hell, you two might’ve been here for hours by now.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

She’s up to them

She kind of digs the possibility that you two might get caught, not completely though

If she eventually tells you that she wants to do it when you guys are in a match then she’ll have you on the nearest wall

Or maybe hide first…

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Not entirely but it can be arousing sometimes

Still she takes risks if you’re up to it

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Around 1 or 2 rounds but if she’s feeling up to it then 3 or maybe 4

Just hope you’re still together by round 3

I think she lasts around an hour or more bc she takes forever

(Hurry up)

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Glass dildo-

I did mention in my last work that Catalyst keeps a glass dildo in her room

She did use it on you like once but it’s kind of for display (???)

She owns a lot of different toys to experiment from with them being mostly black or blue but she goes out of the color scheme and has some pink toys

Because pink is cool

“Just one more. You can do it.” Tressa purrs (meow). The pink toy vibrates violently on your clit. Tressa teases it down to your cunt, threatening to thrust it inside. Only the tip grazes between, stretching you a bit.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

She’s very much a tease

(Not funny)

Even though she loved you she can be a total ass sometimes

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

She’s not very loud

She lets out more breathy moans and noises

Would spew strings if curses under her breath too

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

While she was using her ferrofluid for intercourse she made like a huge mess

It kind of got everywhere, especially on you

Don’t worry she cleaned it up

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Yk that one clip of Sam and Max where little same goes “Boobies!” … yeah…

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Sex drive is pretty average, she isn’t super horny all the time

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Most of the time she falls asleep after you

If so she looks at you with loving eyes as your chest rises and lowers each breath

An; boobies!!!

#apex #apex legends #apex x reader #catalyst x reader #tressa smith #tressa smith x reader #apex headcannons #catalyst #hot #100% queer #bee’s fics

[tennessoui]

Hello!! I may not be making much sense, but in my defence, i just woke up and had a very cool dream, which is what i'm here about!

I had the very good idea of going to sleep after watching a playthrough of Bloodborne bc Bloodborne is very sexy, and my brain cooked a weird dream about it! And obviously, bc i am obsessed with Obikin, it super was about Obikin. And i just wanna talk about it before i forget or something!

I hope im making sense, but anyways here we go:

So, Anakin is half Force, bc Child of the Force and all that, which means he's very normal (in Anakin way, so not normal by normal). But sometimes he looks very weird or feels very weird, but you can't place how, weirdly uncanny and all that. Anyways, weird. And when he is very angry or emotional, he becomes very scary, and its very hard to look at him, he doesn't change or anything, but he hurts your eyes, kind of like a very bright light might. And the strongest in the force you are, the easiest it is to see (like the insight mecanism in the game) him as he is, which i cant describe bc i couldn't see in my dream.

Obi-wan noticed the pattern obv, but cannot look at him too long and stuff idk i dont very remember that.

There was a part, it was during Mortis arc i think? idk. And so, there was the Father, the Daughter and the Son. And there spawned the Mother, which was the Force, as in the whole force, represented by the Mother, which looked like something i cannot even describe bc dream. And she went to get Anakin back, bc she always wanted a kid, and never could have one, but she found a way to make one by using a human woman (Anakin's mother) and now she wants him!

And Obi-wan very much doesn't want the Force to steal him away, bc that's his Padawan, and he very much wants him there, with him, until forever probably, so he kinda negociates with the weird ass eldritch-monster-thing about it. He said things, which were very sexy and that i forgot, but it was basically about how Anakin was gonna die someday anyways and she can have him then but not a second sooner, bc once he's dead he's gonna be hers for eternity but now he's definitely Obi-Wan's. It was all very sexy.

I also remember that the Mother laughed and hugged him (Obi-Wan) with her weird not-arms, made him swallow something (forcefully) and then released him, and when he stopped choking on the thing (it was liquid, looked carmine red but gold at the same time?? i think it was blood) he looked at the Mother again and could see her somehow (still can't describe her bc i wasnt him so my dream didnt let me see :") ) and he heard her say "you can have him as long as you're alive, but as soon as you die, ill come get him", so now he has to stay alive to keep Anakin.

Also i think the Mother's blood that she made Obi-Wan drink raised his midichlorian count, so now when Anakin does his weird shiny angry thing, he can look at him without bleeding from the eyes or something.

Also i think there was a part about how the brighest lights cast the darkest shadows, Palpa-thing trying to corrupt Anakin, and Obi-Wan being able to literally see the corruption, and do something about it.

Gods i hope it makes sense.

Anyways i love you, i hope you're having a good day!

ahhh i wish my dreams were half as vivid or descriptive!!

this feels like perfect eldritch anakin vibes + plus a somehow becomes immortal obi-wan just so no one can take his padawan from him because i think he'd do something like that through accidental spite

i mean if anyone could defy the force through sheer willpower, it may be obi-wan idk

#asks #this was sent a lil while ago but i hope you still remember this dream!! #i think its cool as all get out tbh #obikin

[fallingsunflower]

I am not trying to change your (or anyone’s) mind about how they feel about Harry atm (lord knows it has been a looonnng 3 years of some nonsense). I will say that’s why I always try to keep some distance generally bc we don’t know this man, really - the good or bad parts. I do worry some people unstanning now (not you, specifically, sunny!) might fall into the trap of being a hater stan - still interested, but now thinking that everything about Harry is fake and his sole mission in life is to pretend to be nice while actively intentionally hurting people, only caring about money, etc.

All celebs live in a different reality and some are truly gross and depraved people/criminals but I don’t see that Harry deserves those labels yet. I’m actively willing to be wrong about Harry - but I’m ok for now knowing there are shades of gray in all of us and pressures/forces/things hanging over his head I don’t know about or understand so I’m giving him some grace but keeping my eyes open. And as for his industry friends - I mean, I don’t think he and lizzo are close friends (just promo buddies) and the azoffs are his friends but with their working relationship they also know a LOT about him so that also becomes tricky for me because the power dynamic at least when he initially became friendly with them was way off. Same with James in some ways who is rude/off putting/annoying but also to my knowledge not a creep or absuser. Let’s hope his non-industry friends are lovely 🤞

I’d like to clarify that I don’t hate Harry and I would never turn into a hate account for him.

For me, I’m tired. I enjoyed the 1D days. There was something a little carefree and boyish I liked about him. He seemed a bit more down to Earth, even when he started getting involved more with fashion and high profile celebrities etc. I feel as if he carried himself kind of similarly through 2020, with of course changes but I was willing to accept those (ie the shroom story in RS).

In my opinion, there was some kind of shift in 2021. I’m not pointing fingers at Olivia btw although I certainly think she was inadvertently lumped into it. I spent literally like 2 years defending this man lmao and I stand by it. I don’t think he’s an awful person but from then until now he’s carried over a bit of that shift in personality (from what I can observe - again this is just MY opinion) that I thought would disappear. And tbh, I’m tired of it.

I don’t want to waste my time talking about how “well even though Harry does this it doesn’t mean he’s terrible”. I agree but there are some patterns he hasn’t gotten rid of and I don’t want to defend him every day when I literally did that for like 2 years. He doesn’t deserve my energy. It’s tiring to defend every single thing. I think most of us are on the same page anyway so rehashing everything (like who he’s friends with or why he’s doing pap walks) is tiring.

Tbh I’d rather discuss other things. Things that make me happy. Doesn’t make me a hater of Harry but he’s just not my favorite right now and that’s okay

[manifestingkai]

💫 Self-concept in manifesting as a neurodivergent (ND) person: a (long) post

(For the people who are able to “just assume” this post may not be for you, and that is okay!)

The first thing I’m going to say is that self-concept ≠ self-love. It’s not having to revise every bad experience or doing shadow work or any of that. Self-concept is what you assume to be true about yourself, how you assume others see you, yourself in relation to things.

Many of us (me included) have a long history of trauma, mental health, negative experiences that began in my early years. These things all shaped the things I assumed about myself, people, money, relationships, the world in general. And most of my assumptions were negative.

EXAMPLE:

I spent most of my life believing (assuming) that everyone I loved would leave me and that money was difficult to come by and I had to work hard to get it.

This was taught to me through adults in my life and through experiences. I persisted in those assumptions for years, so that’s what I experienced for years. I could never believe anyone loved me despite all the proof staring me in the face that I was loved and wanted. I believed those things to be true so they always eventually reflected back to me.

After years of believing things to be a certain way, we also learn to expect things to continue to be this way (law of expectancy). This is true whether we have positive or negative assumptions. Some of us have great assumptions about money and career, bad assumptions about love.

Taking into account experiencing trauma or mental health issues, the idea of changing our concept of self can be incredibly daunting and scary as fuck. I know that, I’ve been there too. Some days I still am (though the days are much fewer). We stay in negative thought patterns because those are where we’ve lived for so long, and even though we’re not happy there it is comfortable to our brains bc we are used to it. But those assumptions can be changed, we are in fact masters at self concept already.

SELF CONCEPT AND THE BRAIN:

The brain rewires through repetition. We repeat a thought over and over (4D), it reflects into our physical reality (3D). What you are thinking about all the time becomes an assumption and becomes true. It is really that simple.

Other people are mirrors, they reflect your dominant beliefs/assumptions about yourself back to you. If you continuously think that you are unloved, unwanted, not chosen, not committed to etc. they have no choice but to reflect that back to you.

If you are always thinking about being lovable, loved, chosen, wanted, the same is true.

Affirmations are a great tool to self soothe anxiety and to change your assumptions about yourself. We think all day everyday, we can shift those assumptions.

HOW TO DO IT:

The most effective way I know of to change my assumptions is to figure out what the current ones are and if they’re negative, teach myself to think the opposite.

Examples:

they never choose me → everyone always puts me first

money is hard for me to get → money is easy for me to get

Figuring out what your negative assumptions are and choosing new thoughts that are the direct opposite of them is one way to change them.

DO I HAVE TO FLIP EVERY NEGATIVE THOUGHT?

This answer depends on you and your brain. Some people will have a thought pop up and flipping each one causes more. Others can flip and keep going. Fear, doubt, old thoughts are your ego trying to protect you.

A negative or opposing thought may pop up and you can gently remind yourself that this is your new story and you don’t identify with old thoughts anymore, then remind yourself of the new one. This can be uncomfortable at first. As you repeat it, it will become more natural.

IS SELF-CONCEPT NEEDED?

This is the controversial question (at least on Twitter, anyways). It’s not necessary to manifest, repetition + thinking as if will get you want you want. BUT, if I continue to have negative assumptions about the things I’m manifesting I find it to be more challenging.

So for me, yes, self concept was necessary. I had terrible assumptions in every area of my life. Doing the work to build new assumptions makes everything feel much safer and easier for me. You can manifest more than one thing at a time and it doesn’t delay anything so why not.

Changing the way I view myself, others and the world around me has greatly helped with my anxiety and BPD. I am night and day different in the way I see the world. But that’s me, you may be different. Finding what works for you and exploring is the key to all of this.

I hope this was helpful, I hope I covered this in an accessible way.

Source: my thread on twitter // resources below thread can be found here

#law of assumption #self concept #lawofassumption #my post #hehe I did my first post #it took over an hour but we out here

[bright-and-burning]

thank u for the tag @monacotrophywife this took. too long to get around to lol

15 questions !!

are you named after anyone? my govie name no but eve yes! it’s my great grandma’s. my dad’s family has a kind of idk policy where your first name is Yours but your middle name is from somebody else. so my siblings and cousins and i have Original Names (not original as in like mackayleigheey just original as in not somebody else’s already. bc believe me some of our names are BASIC) and our middle names are all from grandparents + further back.

when was the last time you cried? i’ve been on the verge of tears a LOOOOOT lately. and i shed like five tears last week. but like Really cried was like january 11th ish when i moved out. i’ve had this stuffed rabbit since i was ~2 and my parents bought a perfect duplicate like the second month id had it bc i was so attached that they were like. we can NOT lose it and not have a backup (despite this i called both the same name). so i packed up one rabbit to take with me to my first solo apartment as a Real Adult and left one in my childhood bedroom. and that fucked me up soooo bad lol like the idea of here’s kid eve and here’s adult eve diverging paths… anyways.

do you have kids? i fuckin better not

what sports do you play/have you played? soccer, taekwondo, dance (ballet and tap for ~10 years) if you count that, running, a little bit of figure skating but like bootleg (aka my dad teaching me or me teaching myself w second hand skates) uhhhh. i feel like im forgetting something. oh gymnastics when i was very small. they had a lot of like, free/reduced cost sports opportunities for poor kids in my city so i’ve done a lot of things lol. owned a lot of second/third/fourth hand sports equipment over the years. if you’re in america (i cannot guarantee this exists anywhere else) and you’re in need of expensive sports equipment for cheap (or you’re looking to donate old sports equipment!) find yourself a play it again sports they came THROUGH for me and my siblings as a bunch of athletic poor kids

do you use sarcasm? frequently irl. probs less so online bc i don’t feel like it carries very well lol

what is the first thing you notice about people? hair!!!!! but otherwise it varies a lot. my favorite way to interact w ppl for the first time is to find something to compliment them on so i’m usually scanning everything to find like, oh they’ve got cool hair, cool tattoos, funky shoes, a fun patterned scrunchie, whatever.

what is your eye color? i Technically have heterochromia. but mostly green, i just have one solid brown stripe across my left eye

scary movies or happy endings? i don’t like Most Horror in general (tho i do fuck with a psychological thriller or black comedy movie a la the menu or last night in soho) so i’m gonna say happy endings

any talents? is it rude to say lots. lol. painting is probably my most “surprising” one. i can also still passably tap dance despite it being nearly 10 years since i stepped foot in a real studio. speed reading is another one; for some novels (shoutout pratchett for writing the world’s most readable and engaging novels) i was averaging like 550 wpm

where were you born? los angeles, baby. city of angels. la la land. tinseltown. etc

what are your hobbies? i am very good at picking up new hobbies and very bad at sticking with them for very long (until i get reinvested for like three weeks before dropping again etc). right now probably baking is the big one? writing. i’m trying to get back into painting this week actually!! we’ll see if i succeed

do you have any pets? my apartment is unfortunately pet free :( but my family pets are WONDERFUL. i have a dog who is a pitbull-corgi-mutt (so literally picture a corgi butt, legs, and the floppy baby corgi ears, plus a fat pitbull body, skull, and smile), and an orange cat :)

how tall are you? 5’0 on a good day

favorite subject at school? MATH!!!!! god bless math everybody. i had optional math homework in high school and sometimes when i was really annoyed w my other work i would procrastinate by doing the optional math work lol

dream job? i mean if anyone wants to step up and be my patron so i can oil paint photorealistic fabric folds all day… no but uhh what i do rn is my “realistic” dream job. my unrealistic but still technically feasible dream job is sports analytics. and my totally infeasible and impossible dream job is Art.

i’m gonna be honest i am so deeply behind on this that i think everyone has done it already. but if you haven’t and you’d like to, please consider yourself tagged <3

#tag game #not to say that art is an infeasible career #just that i like art and data equally and have not had like basically Any training in art #so obviously i chose the thing i liked the same amount (data/math/cs) that i could turn into a career significantly more easily

[lil-cherubb]

hello my dear crochet mutual! i am curious now. what are you crocheting for the holidays??

i myself have a few family/friends' birthdays coming up in november so i have a few crochet/knit projects on the go for that. im in my 1st of 6 weeks of midterm hell, so i've started extra early in hopes of having a surplus of time to finish them all!

for my sibling's birthday i am fucking around and finding out in an attempt at knitting a tank top in colours she likes.

for my friend's birthday, im crocheting her a bag that looks like a boob!! i've been powering through it lately and im very proud of it. also i think it's fucking hilarious :^) (not to like honk my own horn or anything) as a boob enjoyer tho, i figure my friend will love it.

and then i am additionally fucking around and finding out in attempting to knit a scarf for one of the indigenous elders in residence at my university. she also knits and she's just so lovely and kind and so i really wanted to make something for her. plus, from what i've heard it seems to be a local indigenous custom to give something away when you make it for the first time to invite abundance back in to yourself and your family. the two knit projects i have going on are my first knitting projects ever, hence the amount of fucking around and finding out lol! also i am allergic to not throwing myself into hobbies and going big or going home, which is how i've ended up with two knitting projects at once. if i had more needles i would probably do more lmao.

so far i've found i really prefer knitting in the round and using circular needles in general. also knitting hurts my hands less (but differently) than crochet! so that's a win ig lol

excited to hear what you're making 👀 !!

i would say sorry for going off but i am not i love opportunities to talk about fiber arts <333

Hello crochet mutual!!!!

I completely get starting early bc of school lol, that's exactly what I'm doing. Normally you start early anyways (you always underestimate how much time a project will take you, trust me) but with school you REALLY need extra time. I'm only in high school still but its hell for me as well lol.

I do find it quite worrying though that for your first two knitting projects you are really just jumping in the deep end lmao, I can't believe you're trying to knit a tank top first go. I've been knitting since I was 5 and I still don't even feel like I'm skilled enough lol! But that's just me. I'd love to see any pictures of your projects so far if you're comfortable sharing!! A boob bag is hilarious and I bet your friend will love it :)

A scarf however is not that bad, unless you're really trying to go fancy with stitches or with color changes (or both 💀). I'd love to see a picture of this especially, I don't really have a reason lol I just rlly want to see it

Personally, I prefer knitting with regular needles (see: me knitting a blanket on regular needles rather than circular ones...). Its just what I've known for longer so I guess I'm more comfortable like that. Circular needles are great thought don't get me wrong

Knitting and crocheting do hurt your hands very differently! It depends on the techniques you use and the way you hold things but they do. I do old English knitting, which hurts my wrists very badly after a long time of working. I hold my crochet hook like a knife (in my hand/hand wrapped around the handle) which also hurts my wrists but it does hurt my fingers more bc I'm using them more.

Never apologize for going off!! especially when talking to me I'm literally desperate to talk to anyone other than my mom and grandma about fiber arts so talk away friend!

(now for the part you probably actually wanted to hear about lol....)

I'm only going to share the one project I've already made, as I have a lot to say about him.

this little guy!! (Free pattern)

This is an adorable pattern! the bottom was a challenge, she decreases so quickly there were massive holes in the bottom which I did not enjoy. Instead of following the rounds for the bottom I did the following (starting directly after round 26 with no alterations made to that round):

Rnd 27: SC evenly around (48 sts total)

Rnd 28: [SC 6, decrease] 6 times (42 sts total)

Rnd 29: SC evenly around (42 sts total)

Rnd 30: [SC 5, decrease] 6 times (36 sts total)

Rnd 31: [SC 4, decrease] 6 times (30 sts total)

Rnd 32: [SC 3, decrease] 6 times (24 sts total)

Rnd 33: [SC 2, decrease] 6 times (18 sts total)

Rnd 34: [SC 1, decrease] 6 times (12 sts total)

Break yarn and weave in end. Yes there is still a massive hole.

Make a magic ring with 6 SC inside. Increase in every stitch until 12. Then 1sc, increase. Repeat until 18. Then 2sc, inscrease. repeat until 24 sts. End.

I then sewed this into the remaining massive hole in the bottom to finish off.

This was much more complicated than it had to be, and I kinda regret doing it. When I make this pattern again (I know I will lol, I just love it too much) I will just do rnd 26, then SC evenly around, and then make another magic ring and increase that until size matches the leftover hole and sew that on.

Honestly, I love the little guy I made, but I am a bit disappointed? The snout is off center and so is one of his legs. The bobble stitches on the back are not evenly spaced (which nags the hell out of me!!) and the bottom, as I already said, was just Not It. The whole point of decreasing so quickly in the original pattern is so that it'll sit flat. Mine is left with a big bump that just looks a little odd.

And just to be clear, I'm pretty sure all of these things are my fault (bottom is definitely my fault!) other than the uneven spacing of the bobble stitches. Its not the amount of stiches between but the number of rounds. The first bobble stitch round (rnd 16) is worked and then there is a round of SC (rnd 17) between it and the middle bobble stitches. The middle ones and the bottom ones however don't have a round between them (Rnds 18 & 19).

Anyways, here's pictures:

I love him sm but I think I'm gonna frog him and redo it all up to his eyes (and add some stuff, like another round between those damned bobble stitches). Also ignore how he's propped up against a bunch of stuffing 💀

Anyways! That's my own fucking around and finding out adventure! I will make sure to tell you all about the other things I'm making (expect an ask me from soon lol) and how this little guy turns out (if/when I redo him) :D this reply is too long lmao

[myspineisthebassline]

can i ask how did you make the bo wyatt doll it's so pretty 😢😢 blessed my eyes

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! makes me happy that he makes you happy <:D i don't know how much detail you want me to go into so I wrote an entire novel srry 

Actually first I will direct u to the agosia arts YouTube channel because i love her and I used her tutorials on how to make limbs with clay parts and attach button joints > 

Clay doll playlist

Basic doll technique playlist

Video on sewing the cloth body

Video on attaching clay components 

Video on button joints

I made some adjustments to her techniques just to suit my own needs better. Also, the fabric and buttons I used are a lot cheaper than what she uses and I used oven bake polymer clay to sculpt the helmet, hands, and boots. More on agosia later

I started out by sculpting all the clay components - gloves, boots, and the diving helmet. this is a very "draw the rest of the fucking owl" moment but I cannot tell u my process w sculpting just please don't buy sculpey III that shit SUCKS to work with

After sculpting and baking the clay parts, I sanded them down and painted them. I also gave the boots and helmet a couple or layers of folkart gloss varnish bc Shiny (i am not sponsored by folkart)

I then made a fabric pattern around the clay parts i just sculpted. I went through a lot of drafts changing the proportions of the body, length of the arms and legs etc. i laid all of my pieces out together and moved stuff around until it felt proportional.

I traced the patterns onto two pieces of fabric, right sides together. the fabric for the body comes from an old t-shirt of mine. the fabric was very stretchy and it was a pain to try and draw a pattern onto it 8|

AS FOR CUTTING OUT THE FABRIC...I did what agosia did and sewed directly onto the lines, leaving open spaces at one end and one side of the pattern so the clay hand/boot/helmet what have you can be slipped in between the fabric. Keep in mind the size of these spaces so u can actually get stuff in there 

anyway agosias demonstrations are great so I won't say much else about how to attach limbs, I will stress that when sculpting the clay parts, they should have a groove around them that is deep enough for the wire to sit snugly. ur basically sandwiching the fabric inbetween the wire and the clay. I also hollowed out the boots and helmet so the end of the wire has a place to hide so it doesn't poke out of the fabric. As a side note, if you don't have armature wire or something similar u could probably use pipe cleaners, yarn or a strong thread to do this. or maybe a really strong glue

Mr. bo wyatt doll does have an armature wire skeleton so he's kind of posable. You don't really need to do that, but you can use pipe cleaners/chenille stems if you want the doll to have a little bit of structure.

Here's a little diagram of how I made the wire skeleton (bc I did not take pictures at this step) the wire in each of the limbs and body are pretty much free floating which affects the integrity a lil bit

(this diagram is. Bad. so let me know if something needs to be explained a bit more)

(incoming jumpscare of bo without the shawl) After the clay parts were attached to the fabric limbs I stuffed them by wrapping scrap yarn around the armature wire skeleton and then sewed them closed. This Is Where The Fun of This Project Starts.

Playing a game of where I want to sew the limbs onto the body (and then realizing I made one of the legs way too short. How in the fuck)

i ended up redoing the legs entirely and just added another 1/2 inch to the length of the leg pattern.

Bo has weird proportions I don't want to think too hard about but here's what he looks w/ all his limbs pinned in place

 he is so top heavy help him.

I attached the arms and legs to the body with button joints (insert agosia arts tutorial on that). It was a pain in the ass bc I dont have a needle that's both thin enough to go through the button holes and long enough to go through both ends of the dolls body. But at least the picture for this step is kind of funny. 

the state of my goddamn desk

Also u don't really need to do button joints its just another thing that gives the doll more flexibility. Just sew those thangs (arms and legs) on there (the body)

Ok now onto making the shawl yaaay. Yaaaaay. I looked up some tutorials on how to sew a poncho from fleece, this one was helpful to me. I did not measure the circumference of the helmet bc that would have ended up with a neck hole that is way too big, but I did measure the circumference of the base of the neck and used that. And also sewed a button to the back of the shawl so it would be easier to put the shawl on the body. 

I also did not feel the need to add a hood, but I did line the shawl with a blanket stitch w red yarn. I may add tassels onto it eventually bc it is the cutest thing in bo's design. To Me. Also I will mention that bo's shawl is still a work in progress, it came out waaay too wide so I have it pinned back until I have the time to make adjustments 8| 

Going off of the video I linked before, for the wingspan measurement, I just measured where I wanted the shawl to rest on the body and multiplied that by 2. Looking at bo's official art, his shawl reaches down to about his wrists ish??? Measuring this on the doll, I got 6in, multiplied by x 2 = 12in. But again it ends up w a shawl that is way too wide for the body. So u may want to go shorter than what you think you'll need

also I crocheted a little collar for the shawl... that I have yet to sew onto the shawl. this is an ~~artistic choice~~ bc i just like to draw bo with a knit collar. I like that you draw his shawl with a button up collar I think it would be very cute on a doll.

Ok that took me 50000000 years thank u if you read this far I hope to God this is coherent, helpful or somewhat interesting to read. Now look at him

#basofy #ThANK YOU AGAIN...I saw that you made a lisa doll and I love her sm the flower trim on the dress is an inspired choice #if you have any specific questions lmk this is a very disorganized post #main tag does not get spared from my shenanigans > #lisa rpg #irvart #sidenote i hate the tumblr post editor why is this so broken

[beesmygod]

i think u scared off the liberal

good. i'd be lying to say it didnt get under my skin because even adam noticed it lol. if only it were as simple as "white artist bristles when confronted about a depiction of race" instead of "a frequently hammered nerve was struck involving things anon has no context for, intentionally". grrr growl!!! i tried to talk about this with other people and then pussed out bc i realized no one cares but me. so at least i can ramble about it on my own space.

long post ahead sorry~

even putting my neurosis aside, from where i'm standing, anon's overt discomfort with a depiction of an ethnicity or race involving the use of vernacular is some real fucking bird-brain shit. anon reads "huckleberry finn" and runs off to the library to have it banned for racism lol. like, we're talking that level of intellectual cowardice that turns tail and hides when made merely uncomfortable. anon subscribes to the school of thought that being mean and making me feel bad are the worst crimes someone could ever commit. if i want to be really mean, i think anon has never spoken to another latino person outside of a service worker context.

and like, i understand the initial bristle when confronted with it. it's not as though phonetic accent writing or vernacular usage can't be invoked for racist reasons. but you would literally have to try very hard to read jack, white man for hire, as anything other than the explicit butt of the joke. the latinas poking fun at his discomfort lol wait holy shit i just realized life imitated art. am i a secret genius after all......? (no)

here are the pages in question: i asked people on twitter what they thought but ofc that way i still only hear from people who are likely to ostensibly agree with me. (click for full)

lol i just realized i missed an overlay layer on the third page. i should fix that.

this is a webcomic with almost, if not more than, 800 pages so some context: white spikey hair boy (jack) is from corpus christi, texas, a city on the gulf of mexico VERY close to the border. jack was always supposed to be from texas bc its a state i have some cultural understanding of. my dad grew up there. my dad is mexican-american. i am bi-ethnic. tri-ethnic, i guess, since the italian/irish half had a massive influence on me growing up as well.

the ladies are members of maxine's (the other protag's) witch coven. these women don't dress like this on a day to day basis (the one in the poncho might since she's a curandera, anyway), the outfits are like uhhh special occasion stuff. its your witch outfit. red bow is wearing like a day to day version of the traditional oaxaca outfits and has her hair pulled back in a traditional braid. the other is wearing just normal shit but with a traditionally patterned (or as much as i could bear to draw) poncho. the egg cleanse is a basic brujeria technique that like, every mexican family knows of at least lol. poncho is cutting the bad airs away, like in this video of a limpia.

the spit is my favorite part of all the limpias lol. WATER CANNON

all of this is just shit i know from growing up. i had to ask help on the spanish bc mine is a double whammy of being both terrible AND non-conversational (i learned all mine in textbooks ( ._.)) but the spanish code-switching to shit talk is how real people behave lol. i know this, because family and friends do it.

i take the character writing of this stupid comic more seriously than it probably deserves. i wanted to make sure it felt authentic and like these were "real" characters. having a world where the only people with personalities are the protagonists leads to a universe that feels flat and empty. a cardboard world. when i was able to use the women from a culture i know as a way to advance the plot, it was a small blessing lol. whew.

i dont really know how to talk about how this relates to me more in depth without compromising my belief that i have a right to privacy when it comes to my personal life lol. my entire existence exists on edges and borders that should not matter to anyone but me; but these details (ethnicity, race, sexuality, gender, etc and so on and you know) have a tendency to become the sole factor through which people view your work, your potential, and the expectations they begin to develop for you. currently, i think the expectations people have set for minority creators fucking sucks and i am relieved not to be a part of the ecosystem that rewards mediocrity and poor quality with accolades and purchases. looking at you, YA fiction and webtoons!!!

quite frankly: the more details people have about your life, the more they are able to scrutinize your authenticity based on their own biases (as the original anon did lol) or whether or not you are "deserving" of the descriptors that you are open about or accumulate over the years. i already have enough problems with this on my own directed at myself. i dont need input from the peanut gallery about my identity when its something ive struggled with and continue to struggle with my entire life.

i am not interested in bothering minority creators with my crybaby shit about how i feel alienated. i don't want inclusion to their groups centered around their unique and more specific experiences out of obligation when i realize the non-minority halves of me have also had massive influence on my upbringing and my beliefs. i dont like having to debates whether or not i am ____ enough to qualify for appearances on lists or databases or awards so i don't bother with any of it. i just want to grill for gods sake

anyway idk. im mad but i also realize a lot of my mad comes from offline baggage that no one is privy to on purpose so i have a hard time gauging how people will read how i write things. but bc i keep it tight to the chest i guess that invites random anons to speculate reasonably that i've transformed into a racist overnight bc they read a character say a double negative. dipshit. fucking moron

anyway

#long post

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x07 recap

The great thing about not looking at spoilers or promos: you have no idea what’s coming, so you get to experience the thrill of surprise at everything that happens!

The terrible thing about not looking at spoilers or promos: you have no idea what’s coming, so you are completely unprepared when the show decides to subject you to insane stress levels and then stab you in the fucking heart omg

(Fair warning, the amount of swearing done during this episode was very high, so expect some in the ensuing recap lol)

Okay so like ten seconds into the ep and having so many thoughts immediately: thank god for the show picking up exactly where it left off, and thank god for Arman being fine and not running into any trouble at his end of the deal (ngl I would have liked to see at least a brief shot of him pacing and stressing over Thony’s safety, but oh well, I’ve half-written yet another fic that will pretty much cover that). As much as I would have liked to see him and Thony go straight to one another when she arrived,  I definitely enjoyed watching her immediately striding up to and challenging an FBI agent haha. She really is a queen. But ugh when she starts to flip out and then Arman soothes her with his touch and the promise that they’ll get through it together?? Ughhhhhhh I already can’t handle these two and the ep has barely even begun. Lord help me

Like seriously the way they walk into the club together so united and clear in their plan– Arman could have suggested that he meet with Robert alone, but instead they went together as a team. Tbh I think Arman has learned that there’s no point trying to protect Thony by doing things alone, because she will just ignore him and come with him anyway, because that’s how she protects  him. But oh shit you two better lie your asses off now that this Nick guy is here! Tbh seeing Robert pick up the knife was kinda funny tbh bc it was like ‘oh geez is Arman going to get stabbed AGAIN?’ lol. Poor boy is practically a pincushion by this point and ngl I dig it. But anyway oh man the way I gasped at Robert’s “Well maybe I do know a few things [about Thony]”– these writers really enjoy getting me all excited at the idea of Arman finding about the forced undressing, and then yanking the moment away from me lol. And to have Robert basically threaten her family instead? Booooo. Thony was so badass to tell him to leave her family out of it though– she’s becoming more and more of a badass mob boss every day ugh

Is it too pedantic of me to say that that blood spray pattern is very unlikely with that wound? Or that that was likely too short of a timeframe for that man to actually asphyxiate? But oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter lol. The more important thing is that Arman’s immediate reaction to them killing the guy was to try to shield Thony from it; and hers was not to let him– she held onto him like he was the only thing keeping her upright (and tbh maybe he was) but she didn’t look away, didn’t try to hide from what was happening. This man was being killed because of what they did, and even though she literally looks like she’s going to be sick, she owes it to him not to turn away. And what really gets me is that Arman actually says something to her while he’s holding her– it’s hard to hear, so I can’t tell if it’s ‘I’m sorry’ (ie, ‘I’m sorry I got us here’) or ‘It’s okay’ (as in ‘It’s okay, you’re safe, I won’t let that be us’), but either way I am not okay lol

And then ugh when they leave the sportsbook he follows right after her all the way to the car door as if he’s so focused on her– on watching over her and making her feel safe– that he forgets that he has to get in the other side of the car lol. I’m also in love with the way she immediately says “Let’s go home”, rather than “Take me home”– it makes it sound like the home belongs to both of them, like they belong there together. Ugh. Help. But ugh my poor baby is flipping out yet again, which tbh is goddamn fair considering the day she’s had. Not to mention the fact that Robert now knows where she lives, which is so much worse than back in 1x01 when Arman knew where she lived, because even then Arman had already shown that– unlike Robert– he was human and capable of kindness and mercy. Plus, he immediately recruited her so he couldn’t be forced to hurt her, and then shortly after that he helped get the appointment for Luca when he had no reason to. Meanwhile Robert is just an unpredictable sociopath who clearly has no qualms about hurting or killing people, and now he knows about Luca. Hell, I’d be flipping out too. 

Okay so I actually kinda like this conversation where Arman is demanding to know more about Maya– tbh I really think that he would have already asked about her at the end of 2x05 after Garrett let them go with the drugs, since Thony mentioned her a few times when trying to convince Garrett, so I think he already knows that she was an informant. And then when he finds out that she and Garrett had an affair, he’s frustrated and hurt, thinking that Thony knew but deliberately kept it from him. Except she didn’t; she literally only found out about the affair from Maya while at Cortes’ place like 2 hours ago, and she’s had some other stuff to focus on since then?? And ugh normally I wouldn’t like them having an argument but tbh I love that Arman’s frustration literally comes from fear for her, and anger at Garrett for putting her in harm’s way for his own personal cause.

Speaking of which, I’m guessing it’s the next morning now by the Garrett costume change, and he’s dropping Maya off at a safehouse that honestly does not look nearly as secure as I would want my safehouse to be. And I guess it’s sweet and all that these two genuinely seem to care for each other but also I just don’t really care lol

Alright, points to Garrett for actually thanking Thony straight away for what she did for him though, as he should. Ngl I got excited when I heard the motorbike, especially because it meant Thony respected Arman’s wishes about them meeting with Garrett together– would have felt a bit gross if she still deliberately met with Garrett alone despite Arman explicitly saying he wanted to meet with him too.  But omg Arman immediately attacking him was glorious, as was the fact that despite her size, Thony could get right in between them and shove them apart and yet be completely safe the entire time– because she knows Arman would never let her be harmed, even unintentionally. And omg “You touch me again and I will break your little pretty face”– honestly between this and Garrett calling Arman handsome in 2x05, I am definitely getting some repressed attraction vibes here lol. Like c’mon Garrett just admit you think Arman is sexy, it’s okay! Literally everyone else agrees anyway so you don’t have to keep pretending lol. But ugh anyway I’m definitely in love with the fact that Thony literally holds so much power over these two physically-intimidating, powerful men that she can just give orders and they will obey even when they don’t want to. And lbr the whole altercation is about Arman being pissed that Garrett put Thony (and himself too, but definitely to a lesser extent) in danger, and the moment Garrett realises that, he backs down from the fight and helps them. And ok I know Garrett gets a lot of hate in the fandom but honestly I simply can’t hate someone who genuinely cares about Thony, even if he is a jackass a lot of the time (but like I’ve said, he’s our jackass lol)

Oooh I’m glad they finally addressed the Luca/school situation! But anyway aw I love that Fi can tell just by looking at Thony that something big is going on. But ugh Thony, just freaking tell her what’s happening! There’s no point hiding this stuff anymore ugh. Honestly I’m amazed Fi tolerated her not answering her questions, especially with how freaked out Thony seemed, but then again I guess maybe that’s why she doesn’t keep asking– like she knows Thony well enough to know that pushing her would just make her spiral more? Either way I am so looking forward to the day when these ladies don’t have to live their lives in fear anymore ugh

Robert’s style is literally so funny to me. The man’s like late 40s and rocking leather pants and a shirt with a pattern that looks like it belongs on a porcelain vase. Like if he wasn’t such a bastard I would be applauding him for living his best life as a freakin peacock lol. But anyhow I’m so glad that it’s becoming increasingly clear that Nadia doesn’t want to reunite with him again– she enjoys his admiration, sure, and is satisfied by the way she can (somewhat) control him and dictate her own terms with their arrangement, but she knows he’s unstable and can’t be trusted– that line where she deftly heads off his growing paranoia shows that she’s been through all this before, and while she has learned how to manage him, it’s no guarantee he won’t suddenly snap and do something dangerous if he gets angry. Tbh I actually quite enjoyed this conversation for a few reasons– firstly for the above, but then also the “trouble in paradise” line, considering that last ep was called ‘paradise lost’, and also Nadia saying that “whatever business you have with Arman, it has nothing to do with me”. Definitely quite a difference from early in the season when she corrected Arman by saying “OUR debt”-- I am loving every sign that this marriage really is over and the writers are certainly providing them willingly. Also lastly “please, bring a date” lollll girl is NOT interested in Robert and not afraid to show it haha

Gotta admit that Garrett putting a big X through Nick’s photo had a certain flair lol. But honestly I respect that he listened to Thony (and even to Arman) and went into bat for them to get the meds back. I appreciate that he actually acknowledged that it was the FBI that put the two of them in danger and they owe it to them to protect them from the ramifications of that. Also his line “if we want her help taking down Kamdar, we need her alive” is presumably about Thony, but I liked that it was probably deliberately written to be vague bc he is likely thinking of Maya too in that moment. Anyway all the respect for Russo and her burger lol

I wonder if it feels different for Arman to walk into La Habana now? It’s only been a few days since Nadia kicked him out, and of course it’s still his club, but so much of his life and focus now revolves around Thony and getting free of Robert that I can imagine that he’s starting to feel like more like a guest at La Habana than the person running the show. Also lol I literally only just realised that it is named La Habana after the capital of Cuba because the main part of the business is selling Cuban cigars. I sure am quick haha. But anyway ngl I love that Arman doesn’t even blink as he lies to Nadia about his and Thony’s involvement in the FBI raid/Cortes’ death; by saying that it happened after they left, he’s literally protecting all three of them, because what Nadia doesn’t know, Robert can’t get out of her/hurt her for, and the only way to keep himself and Thony (lbr, mainly Thony) safe is to prevent Robert finding out the truth. I also loved the line “It’s best if you don’t know”, because like when Thony said “better if I don’t know” back in 1x07 (about the guy Arman killed), the whole point is protecting the other person by creating distance between themselves. Back then it was important for Thony to avoid knowing these things so she had plausible deniability– so the FBI couldn’t get the information out of her and use it against Arman. But now he and Thony are completely united in all of this, and it’s Nadia who is separate, and who needs to be kept at a distance to protect both herself and them from Robert. But ugh honestly I loved this conversation between them; the way he asked her how bad things were, and from her simple ‘it’s Robert’ we can assume that she has told Arman a lot about him in the past– clearly including how dangerous his anger is– and to me that definitely adds another layer to Arman never wanting Nadia to be anywhere near Robert. Because Arman knows her, knows she thinks she has matured now and that she can handle Robert herself (which, as I said before, she absolutely can to an extent) but he also knows Robert is still a threat to her, even if in a very different way to how he’s a threat to Arman.

And ughhhhh I love that even after how betrayed she feels about him and Thony, and despite all the pain of their breakup, she is still trying to help him. I definitely don’t see this as a romantic moment between a fighting couple who still want to be together; I see it as two people who have shared a lot and who still care deeply about each other, even when they’re at odds. Honestly I desperately hope that this is the dynamic we’re going to get between them for the rest of the season, which tbh is all dependent on Nadia and whether she accepts that she and Arman had been heading for their ending for a while, and that he had no choice in falling for Thony. Bc either she’ll accept it, or she will try to ease her own pain by lashing out at him and Thony and making them suffer in whatever way she can. I am really crossing my fingers for the former, though, especially with the genuine worry in her voice as she tells him “Cut Thony loose. She’s going to get you killed.” Ngl I loved this line too, bc my understanding is that the phrase ‘to cut someone loose’ comes from mountain climbers who are tied together, and one has fallen (and maybe is already dead/injured) and the other has to cut their weight loose in order to not be pulled down to their death with the other. So Nadia is saying here that Thony is dragging Arman over the edge of the cliff and that if he doesn’t free himself, he’s going to go down with her. But this is where Nadia shows how little she understands what’s truly between them, and how she has completely missed the truth of what’s been happening to Arman (the truth Thony saw in Robert’s office in 2x05)– because the reality is that it’s ARMAN who is dangling off the cliff, and it’s Thony who is gritting her teeth and digging her heels into the dirt to try to pull him back up, even as she’s getting pulled closer and closer to the edge. 

Bc the thing is, despite her visit to collect the money from Robert, she had remained largely off of his radar– just a  low-level associate of Nadia’s who was beneath his notice– until he overheard Arman and Nadia’s fight and realised that Thony was of far greater significance than he’d first assumed, and realised that he could use that knowledge to both further drive the wedge between Nadia and Arman, and also to make Arman suffer in an entirely new way. So he made it clear to Arman that since Thony worked for Arman and Arman worked for him, Thony now belonged to him as well– all the while challenging Arman to fight him on it, to reveal that Thony was more to him than just a cleaning lady, and therefore fall even more deeply into his trap. And so Arman– dangling from that cliff with no way to save himself– calls Thony, and she comes running; and she, unlike Nadia, sees the truth of what is happening to him and she says I’m going to help you. She ties herself to him, and by doing so, gets pulled into the absolute clusterfuck that is selling the drugs/getting caught by Garrett/being forced by the FBI into setting up Cortes and Robert/nearly getting murdered by Cortes/getting rescued at the last second but then being made to look like a rat to Robert and having her entire family threatened (which we now know isn’t even the worst of it). And okay sure, you could argue that Arman only needed her help to get out of Robert’s control because he became indebted to him to get out of jail which he was mostly only in because he was protecting her from going to jail– but man if you follow that thread then it just goes on and on, like well she was only in danger of going to jail because of her connection to him and having been lying to the FBI on his behalf, and then you could say that the FBI was only able to use her because she felt guilty about the role she played in Theo’s murder and its cover up by Arman, etc etc. And to be completely honest it’s actually even far more complicated than that, making it basically impossible to say which of them brought all of this on the other– like with everything else in their lives, it’s just too intertwined. But tbh the point I’m trying to make here is that when Nadia says ‘she’s going to get you killed’, Arman’s silent reaction is No, I’m going to get her killed. If he had the ability to cut her loose in order to save her, he would in a heartbeat, but he can’t– not now that Robert has her in his sights. So his only option is to see this through and do whatever it takes to bring Robert down, and if he has to give everything, including his life, to make that happen– to give Thony her freedom and her life back– then he will do it gladly.  

God Robert is so extra, writing down the address to La Habana lol (15 N Main, if you’re wondering haha). It’s a smart move by him, obviously, though lbr it’s a total dick move in regards to Nadia– if there was FBI involvement, that would totally screw her and her dreams for La Habana. So much for him being all supportive of her in terms of one day owning it. But anyway ngl I did enjoy the way he included Thony when he mentioned the buyer meeting them on ‘their’ own turf. I think he likes highlighting their partnership, firstly as a subtle reminder that if Arman messes him around, he’s not the only one who’ll pay, but also as a taunt that he knows that she and Arman are ~a thing~ and that his and Nadia’s marriage is basically over as a result. Anyway ooooh interesting that Arman called her on her regular phone this time– the only other time he called her on that was when he was in jail and knew she likely wouldn’t be carrying her burner (bc why would she, when she thought he didn’t have the ability to call her?). Maybe now that the FBI is fully aware that the two of them are very much connected and working together, they decided there’s not really any point in having the burner anymore? Orrrr maybe I’m just overthinking it haha. But ugh anyway I really enjoy the way they seem to often answer a call from each other by saying the other’s name? Idk if that’s typical in some places (it’s certainly not how I answer the phone) but idk it feels like a little ritual for them, linking them together across the phone line. And ugh they just really are so bound together; Arman is the bridge to the criminal side (the logistics of the deal), and Thony is the bridge to the FBI side (getting the meds back), and this deal only works with both of them. 

Dammit Thony, just put Fi out of her misery and tell her what’s going on?? Although then again, if you actually say out loud that you think you might possibly be going to get murdered tonight then she might flip out and not let you go lol. And then how would you protect Arman, which is clearly the main thing you care about?? But anyway saved by the knock at the door… well, not really, because it’s Hot Detective Flores and she is here to REALLY fuck up everybody’s day lol. But ughhhh this show is so good at subtly evoking emotions in the viewer, like the fear and confusion of someone being coerced by the police with no idea about what their rights are. Like I get that Flores thinks she is on the side of good here and is catching a killer or whatever, but honestly I still hate everything about this. Except her black nail polish haha, because that looks badass (and tbh a little gay? Please let her be gay lol).

I like the callback of having the aeriaist performing at La Habana (I hope it’s actually Lexi again!). But okay I am definitely getting a vibe as Robert asks Nadia if she remembers these two specific women– like did they all have an orgy back in the day, and Robert’s rounded them up for a reunion tour?? His memory lane comment definitely seems to indicate that lol. But loollllll at her being so unimpressed with it all– that little eyeroll? What a queen. Bc for all his talk about how La Habana is lucky to have her and should be hers etc etc, rn he’s trying to take her away from her job and her duties as a host to instead be his Plaything #3. And oooh Arman watching from across the bar– again, I am convinced a big part of his enmity for Robert is the way he keeps trying to reduce Nadia to a possession. But also obviously Arman just hates his face lol. (Don’t we all).  Again I enjoy that Robert’s first words to Arman are him asking where Thony is; like I said before, he knows now what a package deal they are. And you know Arman is asking himself the same thing, but he smoothly deflects; tbh I’ve missed seeing him here in La Habana where he is so in his element, so in control. His explanation about spotting the buyer, and then outright calling Robert a sociopath to his face? Hotttt. Though tbh idk how he thinks they could go ahead with the deal without Thony? Like the dude is not going to hand over his money without seeing the meds, so what is Arman hoping to achieve by trying to get things going now? Ngl my angst brain is imagining that his plan is to tell them the delivery is down in the loading dock, and then when they all go down there he’ll shoot Robert, even though it’ll get him killed too. But at least then Robert would be dead and Thony would be safe ugh….… but even if that was his plan, it’s thwarted by Robert insisting on waiting for his ‘better half’ (yes, I know you know I loved that, lol). But ugh Arman calling Thony– there’s no accusation in his voice when he says ‘where the hell are you’, only concern and a little desperation, because he knows that only something serious could keep her away, and he’s powerless to protect either of them right now.

But maaaaan that abrupt transition from the upbeat club music to the silence of the interrogation room certainly packed a punch. And omg I literally lost count of the number of times I yelled DON’T SAY ANYTHING!!!! at Chris– and omg Fi admitting she’s undocumented? Ugh my beautiful brave mama bear. So fucked they can question a minor without a parent or a lawyer though!!!! Wtf Nevada!!!. God though Garrett’s appearance was so well done, because like Thony, I breathed a sigh of relief expecting her to immediately get let out, and then he orders her to sit back down and for a moment I was like ???? is he putting on a show for someone watching, pretending to be ‘bad cop’ to throw them off or something????  What is happening???? And then he pulls out the photo and it’s like OH SHIT. And honestly I actually kind of feel for Garrett here?? He genuinely cares about Thony and has done a lot to help her, and now it looks like she has been lying to him and manipulating him this entire time, and using him to get away with multiple crimes, including covering up her own husband’s murder?? He’d have to feel betrayed, especially bc he thinks she’s covering up that Arman killed Marco for her (an impressive feat from within jail lol), and also lbr his somewhat overly inflated ego has no doubt taken a hit as well, which is even more dangerous. But omg when he asks what she thinks Chris will say about the picture, you can see the horror in her eyes as she realises Chris may very well confess to protect her (though finally my boy shows some sense and insists on a lawyer. Phew!). But honestly holy shit man, Oliver and Elodie nailed  this scene. Like Thony trying to take the fall and yet in doing so actually proving Garrett’s suspicions that she didn’t kill Marco, and then her calling him out on treating her like this after what she did for him with Cortes? Amazing.  

(sidenote: I remember that some fans were pissed after 2x05 that Arman ‘threw it in Thony’s face’ that he killed someone for her, which imo is not at all what he did– he raised a completely valid point about the way she was treating him after he helped her in an EXTREMELY big way– yet I can bet you so much money that no one will be mad at Thony for doing much the same thing to Garrett here. And in fact, she’s far closer to actually throwing it in his face than Arman ever was, but again, it’s Thony doing it to Garrett so no one will care or think there’s anything wrong with it. Idk I’m just very protective of Arman because I think his character gets misinterpreted a lot because he’s a man whose main defense mechanism is anger, and also bc no one seems to consider the fact that he’s been through a veritable fuckton of trauma even in just the past month alone. But ugh okay I need to get back on track bc otherwise I will literally talk all day about how Arman deserves so much better than what he gets from a large proportion of the fandom.) 

But yeah anyway honestly Thony and Garrett’s thread of who is indebted to whom (like hers and Arman’s) is very long and tangled by this point so it’s impossible to know which of them owes the other more, but that doesn’t really matter; he wants to keep Maya safe, and the only way to do that is to take down Kamdar, and right now Thony and Arman are the only people that can do that.  And Thony obviously can’t help if she’s in prison for aiding and abetting a murder, so she makes a very good point that if he wants her help, he needs to help her. (and lbr the sass in ‘isn’t that what your little badge is for??’ was amazing lol).  Also lol at Thony not sounding very convincing at all when she told Flores that she didn’t admit to finding Marco bc she was scared– c’mon Thony you’re a better actor than that! I almost feel sorry for HD Flores here but at the same time it’s also like ‘take that, sucker!!! ACAB!’  haha.  But man poor Thony having to go straight from that almost-got-pinned-for-murder stress to meeting with a crime lord who may or may not decide to have her killed at any moment.  Like I keep remembering her line from 1x08 when she was getting the tour of the ‘wellness centre’ in Mexico, and Julio mentions serenity of the mind and she replies “It’s been a long time since I’ve had serenity of the mind”. Bc lbr, like Arman she has been through so much trauma in the last few months, and ugh all I want is for her to be happy. But anyhow I’m getting distracted again. I actually really liked the moment between her and Garrett in the hallway; they’ve had their little spat and now they’ve emerged as allies once again. Never would have thought I’d say this, but I actually really enjoy their dynamic and the unexpected camaraderie that has formed between them. 

(But okay so like are the FBI going to give her a makeover too or?? How did she get the outfit or this party?? These are the things that keep me up at night– and lbr that outfit will probably keep Arman up at night too lol)

Anyway speaking of Arman, lol at him and Robert sitting and awkwardly staring at each other in the club for all that time? Poor Arman– not only is that supremely uncomfortable as it is, but there’s the added layer of his worry for Thony and what might have happened to keep her away, and also the knowledge that if she can’t come through with the drugs, he’s likely going to be dead before the night is over. I love that Nadia recognises that something is happening and that Arman needs help, and so she tries to rescue him by offering herself up as a distraction for Robert. Like I said, these two still care a lot about each other, and I love seeing that. Though not nearly as much as I love seeing Arman looking completed floored when he sees Thony walking towards him; not only is she likely saving his life right now, but she’s doing it looking like that?? (Poor man has never seen so much of her skin on display at once; no wonder his mouth is hanging open lol). Even Nadia looks stunned by her, and I mean we all already know from 1x01 that Nadia finds Thony attractive lol, but this is more of a realisation that the woman she so often dismissed as ‘just a cleaning lady’ has become more of a central player in the high-stakes world of these men than she herself has ever been– and not only that, but she steps right into place at Arman’s side like she belongs there, and he looks at her like he never wants her to be anywhere else. It must feel to Nadia like her suspicions are being completely proven right in front of her, and I love that both Arman and Thony glance at her before engaging with Robert, as if in silent apology for how this appears. As for Robert, he’s obviously irritated at having been kept waiting, but I wonder if he respects her a little for it too? Like damn she literally saw him have a guy murdered right in front of her yesterday and yet she still makes him wait for her today– if it had been deliberate, it would have been quite the power move lol. But ugh I loved the shots of her striding confidently through the club, leading this collection of powerful men. Love that Mob wife energy ughhh. Meanwhile poor Nadia has been forcibly left behind and relegated to message-bearer for Robert’s dates lol, but I do like that Arman looked back and gave her that small nod in reassurance and apology. This moment just further demonstrates how their paths are diverging, and how his and Thony’s have become so completely joined.

Also the shot in the service elevator was cool– I love that Thony was in front of them all, including Arman; I’d like to think he hung back a little to keep an eye on Robert and to watch Thony’s back. Ngl though I’m giggling at the idea of it being a regular elevator instead, and they’d all had to squeeze into it together, with some tacky elevator music playing over the top haha. But anyway this drug buyer is hot and I really enjoy his voice, and also the way he was respectful to Thony lol. But goddddddd the way Arman looks at Thony after they complete the deal, like he’s just thinking ‘As soon as this is over I am going to kiss her SO MUCH’ lol. Tbh I’m tempted to write a little ficlet where everything actually goes fine and Robert is satisfied by the deal and leaves, and then once Arman and Thony are left on the loading dock alone she starts to be all stressed like “the FBI won’t be happy about the drugs” and “what are we gonna do” and Arman just steps closer and says “Thony. I’d really like to kiss you now. Please.” and she freezes and looks up at him and then gives the tiniest nod and he takes her face in both his hands and kisses her slowly and she forgets all about the FBI for a while and uggggghhhh now I am distracted again haha. Where was I? Oh yeah, the buyer leaving. Ngl this is so petty but the fact that the business logo on the truck is called ‘Elegance’ and yet has a really inelegant looking design (seriously what is up with that fork??) drives me a little crazy lol. But anyway honestly I’m a little amused by Robert literally snatching the briefcase (he is such a child??), but then oh shit I did not see the kidnapping coming??? Help???????

Love that Fi calls Garrett out on whatever he’s got Thony doing, and how dangerous it seems, and yasssss “what is wrong with you??” (so much, Fi, so much). I appreciate that he acknowledges that Thony’s doing it for him (though to be fair she’s mostly doing it to keep herself and Arman alive, but whatevs lol). Is it ridiculous that it kind of irritates me that when Chris appears and Fi yells “get back to your room”, she points the wrong way? His room is to the right, not the left lol. But anyhow. God this episode just wants to keep throwing more stress at me haha, and when Chris admits to killing Marco??? God. I actually love Garrett for his response though– tbh we’ve seen his compassionate side before, usually directed towards Thony, but this was huge, especially from a guy who was previously all ‘there’s good guys and bad guys and that’s all there is to it’. (Though really, for someone who claimed to hold those views, he has always been just fine considering himself a good guy while doing pretty bad guy things). @enigmaticfox made a great point that in absolving Chris for Marco’s death, it’s almost like he’s trying to absolve himself too for killing Cortes, like both of them were just victims of their situations and had no choice in what happened. (Except of course it’s not the case; Garrett had far more of a choice than Chris ever did.)

Obsessed with Armony in the back of the car and how even with hoods on, their heads turn towards each other like they’re straining for any sound from the other, any connection to hold onto. But uh oh this is really not looking like the kind of secondary location you want to be brought to by a violent sociopath, especially with all that plastic sheeting haha. But ugghhhh the way Thony’s steps falter when she sees Maya, and then the way they stare at each other– Thony may not be tied up like Maya, but she is just as bound, just as powerless to get them out of this situation. Honestly almost this entire ep was stressful as hell (reminded me of 1x09 in that way, but even worse) and this scene was the absolute pinnacle of that stress; my entire vocabulary was reduced to the word ‘fuuuuuuuuuuckkkk’ from the moment they stepped into this room lol. But ugh my precious boy standing up to Robert and telling him no, telling him he won’t murder an innocent for him, even if it means his own death– I was so proud of him but also so very scared lol. But then Robert pushes the button he already knows will force Arman to obey; he may have only actually seen them together for the first time a few days ago, but he has seen enough to know that Thony is Arman’s weak point, and that with a gun to her head, he could be made to do just about anything. Robert knows it, and Arman knows it; hell, even Thony knows it too, which is why she tries to tell him not to listen, not to give in to what Robert wants, even though doing so means she is literally arguing for her own death. She wants so badly to live, but she doesn’t want her life to come at the price of both Maya’s life and Arman’s soul. It seems almost like she’s trying not to look at Arman– like if she does, he definitely won’t be strong enough to resist what Robert is trying to make him do– but even still she can’t completely keep herself from looking at him, because if she’s about to die, it’s his face she wants to see, not Robert’s. But ugh you can see Arman starting to panic, his brain running through every possible option to get all three of them out of there alive, but it doesn’t take long for the realisation to hit that saving all three of them isn’t going to be a possibility. Maya was found in an FBI safehouse; there’s no way Robert will ever believe she’s not a rat, meaning there’s no chance he will ever let her live. So if Arman continues to refuse to kill her– and he and Thony die as a result– it will be for nothing, because Robert will just kill Maya anyway. And even if Arman were to grab the gun and shoot Robert, Robert’s men would likely kill him and Thony in response; so as much as he wants Robert dead, Thony’s life is not a price he’s willing to pay for it. His own life, maybe, but not hers. Never hers.

Which means that when the count hits three, there’s really only one thing he can do– and in truth, deep down he knew it was inevitable from the moment Robert threatened Thony. And tbh I’m so glad we didn’t see the actual shooting, a choice which was clearly designed to create that moment of suspense before Thony appears– ngl, even I had an ‘omg but who got shot??’ reaction even though it was obviously not Thony, bc she’s a) the main character of the whole freakin’ show lol, and b) if she’d been the one shot, Arman would have reacted by either dropping to the floor beside her and pulling her body into his arms, or by grabbing the gun and shooting Robert and as many of his men as possible before they took him out. But from the way he comes out of the building, we immediately know what really happened. In my headcanon, at the count of three Arman grabs the gun and shoots Maya, then immediately drops the gun back to the table (or tosses it away from him, can’t decide) and turns and stumbles out without looking at Thony, because he can’t face her, especially not when he hears the little sob she lets out in the silence after the gunshot. She’s left in there staring numbly at Maya’s body, and Robert waves off the guy who has his gun on Thony, saying something like “Well, there we have it. Thony, Joseph will take you and Arman home. Do say hello to dear little Luca for me.” and then he basically turns his back on her to start giving orders about disposing of the body, so she dazedly walks out after Arman. She’s in shock so when she steps outside and sees him walking away, her body kind of instinctively follows after him, but then she continues past (sidenote: his face when she walks past without even acknowledging him? Lord help me), and heads straight for a tree where she braces herself against the trunk and vomits. And Arman stares at her for a moment, wanting to help, wanting to go to her and hold her hair back and comfort her, but instead he imagines her shying away from his touch the way she did back at Isabel’s wedding– back when she’d looked at him like he was the monster he feels he has truly just become– and silently turns away. 

But anyway ugh I’m getting distracted with headcanons again lol. Tbh I will never recover from his absolutely wrecked expression when he leaves the house, or the silent tears running down his face in the back of the car; honestly, the song choice for this scene was freaking phenomenal, because it really captured it all with ‘I keep feeling smaller and smaller’-- like I’ve said in past recaps, Arman has been being slowly crushed by the weight of the pressure he’s under, and has had bits of himself steadily stripped away as a result (by everything that has happened with the FBI, the prison, Hayak, and of course Robert), and this moment dealt the worst blow by far. The ‘I need my girl’ was of course absolutely perfect, both as an explanation for the choice he made– to let Thony die would be impossible, because he needs her like he needs to breathe– but also as a sign of what will follow after this event, because after the wound that was just inflicted on his soul, he needs her now, more than ever. And in that moment in the car when the haze of shock wears off and she comes back to herself like she’s just waking up from a dream, her first instinct is to look to him, and she sees it, sees the way he is drowning, and immediately reaches out, binding them to one another, sending the silent message that they are still in this together, that she hasn’t turned her back on him and never will. And ugh the way his lips press together and he swallows, then lets out a shaky breath? You just know there was a little voice in the back of his mind that had him half-convinced she would shun him for what he did, that she would ever be able to look at him the same again– and so when she proves that little voice wrong and tethers herself to him, it seems like all he can do not to break down and sob.  Honestly, when I first watched this ep I had a moment of panic that all this trauma might push the two of them apart temporarily, that there’d simply been too much pain as a result of their connection to one another and that they’d need to walk away for a while to recover and to realise how much they needed each other– but that was only a very brief moment, because what I actually think is that the opposite will happen; that everything they’ve been through will just bring them closer, will cement them as two people who are so indelibly bound together, and who would go to the literal ends of the earth for each other. I’d like to think that Joseph dropped her off first, and that she and Arman kept their grip on each other for a long moment, only reluctantly letting go when she was already halfway out of the car, like she wanted to pull him with her but understood that she couldn’t– not now, not yet, and certainly not with Garrett waiting there in her house.

And tbh I am actually really bummed about the Garrett situation? His and Thony’s partnership was really growing on me, and now it will never be the same, because sooner or later he’s going to find out the truth and everything will go to hell. I wish that Armony had had the chance to maybe discuss their strategy– like what if they’d told Garrett immediately that Maya was dead, but told him that Robert had shot her in front of them? He would have believed it, since Robert had just killed someone else in front of them the day before, and then they wouldn’t have had to worry about him finding out about her death. Basically they could have controlled the narrative from the start… but obviously they were both too messed up to be thinking that far ahead, and also there was the little problem of being in the car with Robert’s right hand man and definitely not being able to speak openly about the FBI lol. Which means now we’re going to have the absolute trainwreck of Garrett finding out that his kind-of-nemesis Arman killed the woman he loves, and that his kind-of-partner Thony lied to him about it in order to protect Arman. It’s going to be messy and terrible and I will likely enjoy it even as I hate it lol. But tbh I’m comforting myself with a line from back in 1x10 (which I conveniently happened to rewatch it the other day) where Garrett says to Thony about Arman supposedly killing Theo: “Whether he pulled the trigger, or had one of his boys do it, it’s all the same”. So hopefully once his initial shock and anger and betrayal fades, he will be able to recognise that in this situation, Arman is the one being forced to follow orders, and it’s Robert who really carries the blame for Maya’s death. And then once he realises that, I hope he will team up with Thony and Arman to finally take down the man who has put them all through so much pain. 

Also sigh apparently Arman is the only one around here who can actually hide a body successfully– first his guys did a terrible job disposing of Theo’s body in 1x01, and now Robert’s men appear equally useless (unless Robert wanted her to be found, to send a message to the FBI, which is also very possible). Tbh I was briefly worried that Robert would also plant the gun somewhere to be discovered and used against Arman, but it looked like a custom piece and also he touched it with his bare hands before Arman used it, so it would have been far too much of a risk to let the police get a hold of it. But ugh I have to say I really do feel for Garrett here, knowing that he failed her–  there’s a parallel between him and Maya vs Arman and Thony, and how desperately both he and Arman wanted to protect the women they love, and now they are two sides of the same coin– Arman saved his love, and Garrett lost his. And having ‘I need my girl’ still playing over the top as Garrett stands there staring at Maya’s body? Damn, show, you really didn’t have to go this hard, geez. And you know I just keep thinking about the fact that when they were at Cortes’ mansion only two days ago, Maya and Thony had seemingly managed to throw off Cortes’ suspicions about them for a moment– until a guard burst in to say that one of their other guards had been found incapacitated (by Garrett) and all hell broke loose. I can’t help but wonder– if Garrett had stayed out, would any of this have happened? Or would Maya have been able to convince Cortes that there was no connection between her and Thony, and then the deal could have gone ahead as planned and Thony could have walked out of there safely with the cash? I guess we (and Garrett) will never know….

Anyway ugh this episode was So Much (and holy shit the actors absolutely knocked it out of the park, especially Elodie and Adan) and I am both excited and terrified about what the coming eps will bring… but no matter what happens, it’s clear that Armony will face it together, and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more.

#The Cleaning Lady #Armony #TCL recaps #Lord help me #posting belatedly because I literally needed like 3 days to just recover from this ep before I could even put down a single word about it

[sanstropfremir]

✨🎥! Oh yes, please do talk about garments and shoes non stop!

My mother was a fashion professor (as in taught young adults how to make clothes from scratch, starting with the pattern and finishing with the final piece) and used to sew a lot so I do have pieces that she handmaded and also a couple of sewing machines at home. In fact, there a full manual sewing machine at my grandma’s that my mother used when she was studying. She passed quite a long time ago but I do remember that as a child she taught me how to hand sew a button. I literally have a drawer full of them, and a bazillion types of threads. In t-shirts/shirts whenever a hole appeared, she would cover it with something embroidered like any sort of figure that would go well to keep using that

Also, where I live there’s a “school” where they teach amateurs how to sew. They literally have a “Make a [insert piece of clothing] in a day” and they’re quite nice. A lot of people keep going back to them to make more so they have a different one every month or so

But yeah, composition of the garment is one of the things that’s says a lot about them. Again, another thing that my mother instilled in me was to go for natural fibres and treat them right. Learning how to read the label of the caring instructions also helps. I try to avoid anything that requires to be hand washed because I’m allergic to an ingredient that is present in pretty much every detergent, so that becomes a hassle for me, but generally I wash either cold or 30ºC max

Shoes are another thing. Some have the worst quality and break so easily without any option to repair them. Like I remember going to the shoemaker to repair the soles or the heels, but with most of the shoes made now, they’re so shitty that it’s not even worth it. And sadly, I have one of the most common shoe sizes for women, but with slightly slimmer feet so if I’m looking for heels, I need to go for something that has support on the ankle or size down, otherwise the heels would fall of my feet 🥲 And that extents to clothes as well. Sizing is so fucking inconsistence, specially for women. There’s items in one store made by the same manufacturer that differ SO MUCH… I hate it because, again, even though I am considered slim, my hips are wider and my waist a bit tinier so things that should fit on my waist do not go up my ass. And my chest is small as well so fitting all 3 is… a nightmare. I always question that if I can’t find things that fit me properly even though I’m considered to be “in the standard”, what about those bodies that are not? GOD, everyday I lose faith in the fashion industry

PD: LOL at the “adulthood is meeting your friends every few months anyways”, literally all of my friends live in different cities now, so we plan in advance when we get to see each other. Sometimes with 2-months notices, especially if that entails to reunite the whole gang and not just the core (10 vs 3)

hahaha so you really did already know everything i said! but that's ok, hopefully it still was some help somewhere.

trying to buy clothes really has been getting more and more difficult because you're absolutely right; the 'standard' body type that fast fashion is made for doesn't actually exist. pretty fucking depressing that a whole industry exists the make you feel unhappy and unsatisfied with how you look so you keep buying more things, but also there are so many of those industries also and capitalism ruins everything i hate it here. shoes are an intertwined problem too bc shoes that are shoddily made of synthetic materials are so bad in every way. even ones that are well made of synthetic materials are STILL bad imo. shoddy craftsmanship is a human constant but at least with natural materials some of that can either be repaired or recycled into something else, but synthetic materials? good fucking luck. i really do recommend to everyone that if it's possible they should get one good staple leather shoe that they learn how to take care of bc it will fit your foot better than any synthetic material and will last longer. there is a REASON that shoes have been made of leather literally for most of time; it's a vastly superior material in terms of physical properties than anything else for what shoes have to do as a functional objects. but the never ceasing cycle of capitalism has made it impossible to actually find something 'trendy' (or even just nice looking) and good quality AND at a good price. i really do hate it here.

#i recently took a pair of my boots that i beat to shit in scotland to the last cobbler left in my city and he's lit backed up for months #bc everyone is going to him now instead of the half dozen other places that did shoe repair less than five years ago that now are gone #its so fucking sad as someone who loves craftsmanship. there's even fewer tailors left now too #capitalism is the bane of humanity like these are some of the oldest and most necessary jobs in the history of humanity #and theyre being driven out of existence bc of profit hungry billionares and a populace that doesnt give a shit #😔 #also v good point about cold washing! also hanging things to dry rather than using a dryer is much better for a lot of clothes #but also i understand not wanting to not use the dryer. i did live in the uk after all #but if you are washing things like jeans hang drying them actually helps them not shrink back out of your wear patterns! #✨🎥 anon #text #answers #anyways this is my crusade against vegan doc martens i hate that shit. makes me fucking FURIOUS