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zecarnevilcat · 4 years

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Seriously, what’s in the air right now? I’ve always loved Joker (I grew up with Batman the animated series and Burton movies). I dived into comics to have more of him, to learn more about this character... I liked what I found, but somehow something was missing... I missed an origin story (controversial point, I know). I wanted some hints about the man behind the clown paint, the human behind the monster. A story entirely centered about him only. Unfortunately, I didn’t find much. My best find was the great Killing Joke by Alan Moore, but I was still not entirely satisfied... And then, more or less 15 FUCKING years later and out of the frickin blue, Todd Phillips grants us that masterpiece that is Joker. Basically everything that I’ve ever dreamed of for all these years. Just like that. Needless to say, I’m fangirling hard. Like. Really. Really. Hard. And I’m SO happy to find other people who enjoy it as much as I do I cannot put into words. And now (well, since a couple of years) Netflix releases a show about Castlevania (season 3 just came out and I’m still processing it) I remember finally getting my hands on that masterpiece of a video game that was Castlevania : Symphony of the Night on PS1 (yeah, I’m that old). And believe it or not, besides the amazing graphics, gameplay and music, I really really loved the characters and story. That game is partially responsible for my now nearly 20 years old hyperfixation on the vampire myth. I really loved the concept of Dracula falling in love with a human and having an half human/half vampire offspring (It’s officially called a dhampir, for the record). Adrian “Alucard” Fahrenheit Tepes has long been one of my all time favourite characters (Plus, discovering during a lazy afternoon that his name spelled backwards is “Dracula” totally blew my mind away at the time). The main protagonists of these games are the Belmont family though. And I became rather disappointed not having more character development for Adrian in the rest of Castlevania game series :( I thought he had so much potential, so many great ideas could have been explored with him... So, anyway when I started watching the animated series on Netflix, I really did not expect it to be centered about the love story between Dracula and Lisa, and especially for Alucard to be part of the main cast!!! They also tried to keep the style of Ayami Kojima for his design!!! My little fangirl heart is gonna explode from all of this <3<3<3 Thank you all amazing content creators for fulfilling all my crazy fangirl thirst!!!!! Also, I know sometimes internet can be a curse, but for me it’s such an amazing way to meet other fans, and to witness their enthusiasm about shared interests. I’m so glad I can enjoy silly things like these with other people, may it be only virtually. Fandom are not always great, but they can bring so much inspiration and comfort to me, I needed to put it down.

#Joker #Castlevania #adrian tepes #Alucard #fandom #randomrambling #needed to get it out of my system #fangirl number one problems

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duhragonball · 5 years

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Dragon Ball Z 201

Last episode, Gohan started attending high school in Satan City, but Satan City is riddled with crime, and Gohan’s afraid if he beats up too many criminals with his super powers, it’ll make his social life awkward. I really don’t understand why he’s so worried. Everyone thinks Mr. Satan has super powers, and he seems to do all right.

Anyway, he goes to Capsule Corp. to consult Bulma on the problem, and she mulls it over while smoking a cigarette. This is one of those little details that you don’t really think about much, but it’s something that you just don’t see in modern anime. I’m pretty sure Bulma’s only smoking here as a callback to her father, Dr. Brief, who often smoked and had a similar hairstyle back in the day. I mean, he still does, it’s not like he died or anything. My point is that you never see Bulma smoking in the 2010′s, even though those episodes and movies are set only a few years after this one.

I’m pretty sure that’s because Japanese television adopted stricter rules between 1993 and 2010. Did this scene make it into Dragon Ball Kai? I bet it didn’t. The only recent example of a smoking anime character is Jotaro Kujo from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, and they obscured it with shadow every time he lit up. Then again, Lisa Lisa smoked in full view, so maybe it’s just because Jotaro was a minor? Nonetheless, I feel like smoking has been heavily de-emphasized in media throughout my lifetime. It used to be commonplace, and now it seems like creators will avoid smoking altogether. I don’t know if it’s because they just don’t want to use it, or if there’s external pressure to avoid it. It’s a good thing, either way. I remember watching an “I Love Lucy” episode once where the four main characters all just sort of stopped talking so they could light up and get their cigarettes started, like that was a perfectly acceptable use of airtime.

Bulma’s solution is to make Gohan a disguise that he can change into at the push of a button. Gohan is amazed that such a thing is even possible, but she says she can knock it out in two hours.

While she works on that, Gohan goes to hang out with Trunks. Not the one from the future, but the baby we last saw in Episode 193.

Trunks just started training with Vegeta, who feels he’s old enough to learn from him. So naturally he puts in an appearance and chastises Gohan for losing his edge in peacetime.

This episode was a big deal to me when I first watched it in 2001. By then, I was invested enough in DBZ that I couldn’t wait for Cartoon Network to air the post-Cell Games stuff, so I started buying the tapes. I think this episode would have been on the third one I got, and it serves as our first look at the cast seven years after the Cell Games. Until now, all we’ve seen are Chi-Chi, Gohan, and Mr. Satan.

Also, I was genuinely fascinated to see what Vegeta would say or do in a scene like this. He and Gohan never interacted much in the first place, and he was a huge dick during most of that time, and the last time we saw Vegeta, he seemed to be at a crossroads. He declared that he’d never fight again, but what would he do instead? In this episode, we finally get a semblance of an answer. He’s been living here, with Bulma, training the whole time, and now he’s planning to train Trunks. As far as Gohan is concerned, he seems to regard him with a certain degree of respect, warning him that he can’t afford to get flabby.

Later, Bulma finishes Gohan’s super-suit, which includes gloves and boots from Vegeta’s wardrobe.

Gohan’s thrilled with it, but Trunks isn’t. Earlier, he asked if Bulma could make him a costume, but now he’s taking it back.

On his way home, Gohan passes through Satan City again and decides to give the outfit a test run when he spots a reckless driver. Look, if I had a muscle-car that was bright yellow and the number 69 on it, I’d drive like a madman too. This is why I’m not cut out to be a judge.

The guys ask Gohan who he is, since his ridiculous outfit doesn’t tell them anything, and he pauses to consider what his superhero name should be. At last he settles on “The Great Saiyaman,” and he does this elaborate pose to emphasize it.

Hearing this, the two men laugh hysterically, until Gohan gets upset and stomps the roadhard enough to break the pavement. They quickly apologize and promise to drive safely. Score one for justice.

Gohan returns home and Chi-Chi hates his outfit. Is it really that much different from what anyone else in this show has worn so far? I mean, Chi-Chi used to wear a cape and a helmet herself. Does she just think Gohan’s suit doesn’t show enough bare skin?

But Goten loves the Great Saiyaman outfit, so that’s something. Wait, who?

As Gohan flies to school the next day, the narrator fills us in. Basically Goku got Chi-Chi pregnant right before he went off to fight Cell, so nine months later she gave birth to this kid and named him Goten. Of course, if you’re only watching the anime, you would have already seen the boy by now, because he’s all over the new opening credits.

With his new costume, Gohan can just fly to school under his own power, land on the roof, and change back to his normal outfit with the touch of a button on his watch. He says this will save him from having to use Kinto’un to make his commute, but why was he ever using it in the first place? It’s not like he could let people see that either, right? Or did Gohan think Kinto’un wouldn’t be that big a deal?

In class, a couple of students are already talking about the new superhero, although they get his name wrong. I guess “Tireman” does sound a lot like “Saiyaman” if you pronounce it “SIGH-a-man”, like they do in Japanese. I don’t know why the dub changed it from “SIGH-an” to “SAY-an,” but whatever.

Anyway, Gohan angrily corrects them on the proper name, and then he has to make up some story to explain how he would know this. The story here is that Gohan’s so wrapped up in playing a superhero that he keeps forgetting why he wanted the secret identity in the first place. What does he care if people get the name wrong? As long as they’re not calling him “Son Gohan”, it works.

Later, Videl gets a call on her wristwatch, because everyone has a magic watch, apparently. There’s a hostage situation on a tour bus, so she has to excuse herself from class to go deal with it.

Gohan doesn’t understand, so Sharpner explains that Videl assists the authorities in crises like these. She’s basically following in the footsteps of her father, Mr. Satan, and Sharpner assures Gohan that she’s about as strong as her dad is, so she’s more than capable of handling these situations.

But Gohan doesn’t buy that, because the last time he saw Mr. Satan, he got beat by Cell in one hit. Okay, yeah, but Perfect Cell is a long way from a gang of busjackers, you know. I’m not sure Gohan fully appreciates that distinction, though the irony still shines through. It seemed harmless at the time to allow Mr. Satan to take credit for defeating Cell. Gohan clearly never waned the accolade. He’s worried about people finding out he foiled that bank robbery in the last episode. But Mr. Satan’s faux heroism has now inspired Videl to try to become an actual hero, and she might not be as lucky as her father.

So Gohan excuses himself to go to the restroom and decides to back up Videl as Great Saiyaman........ except he doesn’t know where the bus terminal is.

Meanwhile, at the bus terminal... HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY? Why is he covering his entire face with his bandit mask? How does he see what he’s doing? What’s with the chicken hat? This is insane, and it’s great.

The bus they’ve taken over is full of old people, who seem unconcerned about being used as hostages. I think the deal here is that these guys just got done robbing a bank, then fled to this bus when the cops came after them, and now they’re hoping to use the bus to escape.

I feel like this is some sort of anime trope, with senior citizen tourists being completely unworried about what’s going on around them. I’m mostly thinking of that episode of Hellsing Ultmate where Alucard and Father Anderson were about to throw down in a museum until Seras led a tour group between them to defuse the situation.

Anyway, this lackadaisical attitude irritates the crooks, but they still pose for a photo when asked.

Then Videl arrives in the air vehicle she uses for these situations.

So basically, Videl doesn’t have super powers OR a costume, and she just flies into a situation and starts whooping ass whenever she gets a call on her watch. What exactly is she doing that the cops couldn’t have done? I mean, at least they had guns.

So Videl jumps on the bus and crashes through the wndow and starts opening up a can of whoop-ass on these guys. She’s basically Batman without the suit, which is pretty awesome.

Then one of the old people takes a photo of her, and she blushes. Awwww.

Unfortunately, Videl was so busy kicking butt that she failed to notice no one was driving the bus as it rolled off a cliff. But Gohan’s here in time to catch it, and everything’s okay.

And I guess this puts Videl’s character into perspective. A lot of critics point out that she never really got any development as a fighter. When she appears in video games, they usually have Gohan or Great Saiyaman show up to help her as part of her finishing move. I think a lot of fans, especially female ones, wanted to see Videl train until she got strong enough to hang with the Z-Fighters, and it just never happened.

But, I mean, this is her second appearance, and the debut of the idea of Videl as a crimefighting heroine, and she’s already gotten in over her head. She’s not nearly as goofy as Mr. Satan, but she’s more like him than the audience might care to admit. As impressive as she was on that bus, she nearly got herself killed.

Gohan introduces himself as the Great Saiyaman and she’s as put off by his costume and poses as everyone else so far. Then Gohan addresses her by name and flies off.

Videl’s all like “How does he know my name?” But doesn’t everyone in town know Videl? The people on the bus recognized her. The crooks recognized her, which was why they opened fire as soon as she landed on the bus. Why wouldn’t a new superhero know her?

So Gohan’s pretty pleased with himself, and the narrator assures us that Gohan’s secret won’t be exposed, right? Right? You’re shaking your head, why is that?

#dragon ball #2019dbliveblog #great saiyaman saga #gohan #videl #vegeta #bulma #trunks #chi chi #goten #erasa #sharpner #mr satan #cell #perfect cell

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thenightling · 5 years

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My few grievances about The Batman vs. Dracula:

The animated film The Batman vs. Dracula is both a guilty pleasure and a disappointment for what might have been. I sort of like it but at the same time acknowledge it’s a very flawed movie. Here are a few of the problems I have with The Batman vs. Dracula the animated movie. Note: I do like this movie. It’s a guilty pleasure because I know it’s flawed. Anyway, here we go.

1. I would have preferred to see Dracula up against Kevin Conroy’s Batman, Batman of the 1990s Batman animated series. To me this version is the perfect Batman and in my mind (when I was ten-years-old) he was the version of Batman I wanted to meet my other favorite characters like Disney’s Gargoyles, or The Real Ghostbusters. So of course he’s the version I would have preferred meet Dracula.

2. I acknowledge The Batman vs. Dracula doesn’t really follow The Batman vs. Dracula (Red Rain) graphic novel trilogy. This doesn’t bother me too much. Truth be told I wish they would make a new Batman vs. Dracula in the main DC comics continuity. DC almost never uses Dracula. And honestly, I kind of felt the trilogy was mildly disappointing.

3. Dracula is one of the few public domain characters that I can’t help but say Marvel got better (except the stupid “Dark Elf” look where he had that high white pony tail and red armor from 2010 until 2018. That was annoying.) But no one can deny that Tomb of Dracula (which gave us Blade: The Vampire Hunter) is now a classic.

Come to think of it, I prefer Marvel’s Adam (The Frankenstein Monster) to DC’s Frankenstein monster too. At least when Marvel remembers Adam (The Frankenstein Monster) is intelligent and articulate. Sometimes he gets writers who are stuck on “Fiiire Baaaaad!” and clearly aren’t familiar with the Mary Shelley novel... (Someone hire Steve Niles, quick!)

4. On to the story itself. This scene. This scene right here! Bruce Wayne / Batman The Great Detective... He should not have had to write “Alucard” on a silver platter in lipstick and hold it up to a mirror to realize it’s Dracula spelt backward. I get that The Batman is the more kid friendly incarnation of the animated Batman but why not a scene of him telling someone like Alfred or someone else that Alucard is Dracula backward. Spare “The Great Detective” his dignity.

Also let’s be honest. Dr. Alucard is just a terrible alias and Dracula is just asking to be caught. And not just because he was overly excited by a platter of steak tartare. This Dracula is so obvious I think he wants to be captured. ...I think it’s a cry for help.

5. Dracula’s death scene. Batman in the main DC comics continuity and especially in the more kid friendly animated universe does. not. kill. Yet here in this animated movie (Tied to the “Kid friendly” The Batman animated series) has a scene of Dracula defeated and on his knees. And what does Batman do?:

Weak and on his knees Dracula looks up at him and goes “You’re Bruce Wayne.” (Someone clearly forgot one of Dracula’s powers is supposed to be mind reading! In fact I’m adding that next. The de-powering of Dracula.) Batman melodramatically has his cape spread in front of a giant sunlamp’s light. (No, really...) It briefly looks like Batman is going to show him mercy. Batman corrects Dracula by saying “I’m Batman.” And it’s a fairly cool delivery but then he lowers his spread cape so that the light kills Dracula. Who is cowering ON HIS KNEES! Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

Questions and problems related to this:

A. Does killing Dracula not count as taking a life because he’s undead? Isn’t that some sort of racism, Batman? And if Dracula doesn’t count as alive where’s the line? Does that mean Solomon Grundy and Swamp Thing don’t technically count as alive? Grundy is literally a zombie. Swamp Thing is the consciousness of a dead man absorbed into “The Green” and in a plant-avatar body. Run, Swampy! Batman’s goin’ gardening!

B. Does this not count as murder because it’s technically the lamp that killed Dracula and not Batman? This is a dubious technicality. Again, where’s the line?

C. Honestly, based on how it played out, it looked like he WAS going to show Dracula mercy but once he realized Dracula knew his secret identity he decided to go “Nope.”

D. Even The Avengers don’t try to kill Dracula anymore. Marvel heroes have elaborate restraints and special cells for holding Dracula. If Tony Stark can do it, so can Batman. Wouldn’t Dracula’s blood addiction and predatory instincts and animal-like inclinations from an arcane blood mutation that grants superhuman powers earn him his own special cell at Arkham?

E. We saw at the start of The Batman vs. Dracula that Dracula had easily been held in chains in a coffin away from his homeland. So obviously he can be contained. Was Batman just being lazy? In Batman The Brave and the Bold we learn he has Nth metal handcuffs that can hold a ghost. He should be able to contain Dracula.

F. Come on! Dracula is easy to contain compared to The Joker yet The Joker is spared!

G. This was a missed opportunity. Think how interesting a recurring Dracula could have been. He could have escaped or been captured. And if he was captured a semi-reformed Dracula would make for a fun reluctant hero or anti-hero (So long as he keeps all of his powers, of course.) Imagine the banter if Bruce held him in The Bat cave.

6. Dracula is too depowered. Marvel and DC are both guilty of making Dracula burn in the sun (like in the movies) but in the original Stoker novel Dracula could walk in the daylight just fine. He was just weaker by day because it was not his natural time. And he could not take animal form by day.

Marvel once published a graphic novel of the original Dracula story by Bram Stoker and in that they remember that Dracula could walk by day. And they claim the graphic novel is the backstory for the version of Dracula in Tomb of Dracula but by the time you get to Tomb of Dracula he burns in the sun. So go figure...

Anyway, Marvel’s Dracula has the power to conjure storms, turn into a wolf, bat, and mist. He has been raised from the dead many times. He can read minds. And he can hypnotize. Of course he has all the traditional weaknesses too but still this version seems far more powerful than DC’s Dracula...

Marvel’s dracula is just superior.

And what makes it more frustrating is Dracula is in the public domain. That means anyone can use him. And they could have and still could do so much more with him.

7. It’s a little odd that Dracula’s wife in The Batman vs. Dracula is Carmilla. Carmilla is a lesbian in her original novel. She’s bisexual in Castlevania. I don’t mind her being bisexual. And I don’t really mind this twist. It’s just a little odd.

8. I keep wishing they would remake the animated movie but with a more serious / adult feel to it, like Justice League: Dark. And I wish DC was as good about finding clever uses for their Dracula as Marvel does. DC’s version goes to waste.

Just look how cool he looks! Why aren’t they using him?!

#Dracula #DC Comics #The Batman vs. Dracula

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tearlessrain · 5 years

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time to subject myself to Dracula: The Dark Prince, aka another bad movie starring another dude from black sails. this time with 100% less horny on main because my only real motivation for watching it is it truly looks to be a whole new caliber of horrible and I have to see it.

witness my standards for incomprehensibly bad movies being raised prohibitively high in every way imaginable under the cut

I seriously doubt that.

this was made in 2013 by the way, not 1994 as the graphic design of that logo might suggest

oh good, once again we’re opening with an exposition narrator. except this time it’s a woman and she has less vocal inflection and emotional investment than an amazon echo.

I feel like she’s gonna tell me to turn left in 800ft

it feels like a dragon age epilogue, but just. worse.

WE ARE WATCHING A TRULY HIGH QUALITY MOVIE TONIGHT MY FRIENDS

I can’t even describe how bad this is, you really need the sound. that’s where the true lack of quality shines through. siri’s depressed sister is talking about pre-vampire dracula’s epic feats in battle to more weird sepia dioramas and the dying soldiers sound like they hired muppets to voice them

HOLY WIG BATMAN

also this dude is obnoxiously jovial considering he’s supposed to be dracula, even if this is pre-vampire

oh no dracula’s advisors, who all wear black hooded robes and scowl ominously, have betrayed him and killed his wife, how unexpected

someone drew these, looked at them, and thought “yeah that’s good enough to go in the final movie”

the characters are speaking both english and what I assume is... romanian or something? transylvanian? it’s not spanish or welsh I can tell you that much. anyway there are no subtitles and also no rhyme or reason to which they’re speaking at any given time so I hope I’m not missing anything important. probably not.

so like... they killed his wife, yes. and he went on a murderfest in what appears to be a church in revenge, makes sense. now a dude who... I think maybe he’s supposed to be a priest or something? but he wasn’t speaking english so I can’t be sure, then a voice over said “I have killed for god, the hand that fought for him will now be turned against him” but I’m unclear on who was speaking. this movie is an absolute clusterfuck and we aren’t even five minutes in yet. this is still the prologue.

now zombie alexa claims dracula was cursed with immortality “in punishment for his defiance” but I’m still not sure... what defiance. he killed the dudes who murdered his wife and that’s somehow not okay despite his apparent status as a war hero, a designation that implies a LOT of killing has already happened?

fucking finally, the title screen. usually a prologue clarifies what a movie is about but I went in thinking I knew and now have absolutely no idea what I’m watching.

a carriage drawn by friesians is rolling through a misty forest with wolf howling sound bites playing at random in the background to vaguely urgent music, now this is what I’m here to see.

nevermind the carriage is too slow so they’re leaving it because that’s a thing people do (?????)

“Lady Arwen, we cannot delay”

seriously though everyone’s mumbling so much I can’t understand them much better than when they were speaking whatever the other language was

BOOTLEG XENA RIDES AGAIN

but this time she’s accompanied by esme. we don’t know who esme is yet either.

there she goes

and now the knights are being attacked by hilarious squeaky goblin things? who I guess are led by this power rangers villain with, again, an unintentionally hilarious voice. it’s like a bad batman impression.

with every minute that passes I become less certain of what I’m actually watching.

they’re looking for the “light bringer” and telepathically overseen by the world’s most halfassed lestat dracula

they’ve also got some random prisoners in a cage wagon

okay the prisoners are being taken to dracula’s castle and I’m sorry for such an image-heavy post but I NEED you to understand the community theater level of set design/quality we’re dealing with here

“what is that?” cardboard and mod podge is my guess

so far the only thing esme has done is fall off her horse and be knocked unconscious, and now a Roving Band of Misogynists has appeared to harass Bootleg Xena 3.0 in the most generic way possible (the words “what ‘ave we got ‘ere” accompanied by a chorus of malicious cackling and some whistles have been spoken)

oooh no the ringleader of the Roving Misogynists has been given a name, and it’s ~Lucien~. I have a horrible feeling that I’m about to bear witness to the worst romantic subplot in the history of cinema.

oh for... I thought at least bootleg xena 3.0 would be a Strong Female Character and fight them off, but she just rapped lucien on the head with her sword and then they stole her very important box and left as obnoxiously as they came

OH NO SHE’S ASKING TO GO WITH THEM, SOMEHOW THAT’S HER PLAN I THINK I’M RIGHT SHE’S GONNA HOOK UP WITH LUCIEN AND IT’S GOING TO BE HORRIBLE.

“trust me” she says to esme, who, wisely, obviously does not.

I appreciate the timely thunderclap every single time the castle comes on screen

who the fuck are you, did you wander onto the wrong movie set

nope okay they’re not gonna explain that shot at all we’re just moving on to a shot of a weird angel shadow doing slow flamenco moves on the ceiling while ominously gurgling, and the prisoners being led into the throne room

“what’s happening to us?” I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE SAME THING, PRISONER #3

oh never mind that guy from before wasn’t a priest, he is remfield, chancellor of this kingdom, which means the last scene he was in makes even less sense

AKSLDGHJFGAKDLFJGHKAJGHFDKLFDS;GJokay so. remfield introduced himself then said “I will see that your needs are tended to.” then dracula in his new white contacts gets up from his shadowy throne, circumnavigates the cluster of prisoners, sniffs them dramatically, and walks back to his throne. remfield then says, “come, I will see that your needs are tended to” because proofreading is for COWARDS

now remfield is... literally giving the prisoners a tour of the castle and going on the “oh you’re our guests and many pleasures and adventures await you” speech and somehow the prisoners are accepting this despite the fact that they were just carted in on a barred wagon in shackles and got sniffed by a bad alucard cosplayer. they have a fucking harpist.

seriously, who the fuck are you

she’s just been twirling around in the background of this entire scene for no discernible reason no matter what rooms they go into

what the hell am I watching

yeah they’re just going for that incredibly suspicious food and also seem weirdly okay with the ambient clusters of scantily clad lesbians no one will explain okay they deserve whatever happens to them

WHOA TITS apparently this movie is a different rating than I thought

remfield: the newcomers have settled in

dracula: I d o n ‘ t l i k e s t r a n g e r s

then why pray tell have you brought them directly into your home in chains. I cannot stress enough how avoidable this situation was for you my dude

“just think sire, once the light bringer is in your possession no one need die again” “except those who defy me” [ominous chime as the angel shadow on the ceiling continues its sensuous flamenco dance]

meanwhile in the misty blue filter forest of eternal night, some guy in a tricorn finds a gold amulet that I think bootleg xena 3.0 dropped, and the power ranger villain rides menacingly in a random direction for a few seconds

I’m still waiting on whether this masterful display of cinematic calvinball has any cohesive story to it.

ah joy and we’re back to The Non-Adventures of Xena 3.0, Esme, and the Roving Misogynists

as an aside, I’m not calling her that just to be dumb, I’m calling her that because they still haven’t given her a name even though her sidekick got one in the first five minutes

they’ve opened the box and revealed... the light bringer, which is a wooden staff. because it is not shiny gold, the roving misogynists regard it with confounded disgrunglement and scoff at xena 3.0′s insistence that it can defeat dracula

these guys sound like what an eleven year old thinks gangs of ne’er-do-wells sound like. like cartoon weasels, if the weasels were also mediocre pirates who have heard of women, conceptually, but never seen one. like goblins in a pre-written D&D campaign run by a slightly overwhelmed first time DM.

HUR DUR WALKING STICK NOT TREASURE, WOMAN DUMB

it’s what cain used to slay abel, apparently. given that zombie alexa mentioned that dracula is the descendent of abel, this leaves us with the terrifying implication that someone did put at least some vestige of effort into writing this movie.

oh good she’s finally gonna fight lucien

no she failed again. please someone just punch the shit out of lucien so he’ll stop.

NO WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT STOP IT GOD HAVE SOME STANDARDS WOMAN. STOP PLAYING FLOATY ROMANTIC MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND THEY ARE LITERALLY STILL STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTIRE BAND OF ROVING MISOGYNISTS

I thought it might at least be a trick but no she is actually, genuinely starstruck over this profoundly mediocre olde-timey frat boy who called her “sweetheart” while she was trying to explain to him why the ancient dracula-defeating relic was important.

this guy.

we did it boys, we found a worse love story than twilight

also I just. I wish I could convey with words the way the roving misogynists react to every single thing lucien and sometimes xena 3.0 says like the world’s worst greek chorus in a literally neverending stream

lucien (post makeout and xena 3.0 explaining again that the relic is ancient and powerful and they’ve searched for ages to find it): well we may not be knights but we can respect that

[cacophony of rowdy but understated agreement]

lucien: what do you think boys, should we give it back?

[assorted grumbles of assent]

xena 3.0: hm, a thief with a conscience

[gruff mercenary-esque chuckling]

lucien: maybe even a heart

[chorus of “ooooooOOOooh”s and some whistles]

it just goes on like that in every scene they happen to be physically adjacent to, they never shut up but also never actually contribute or say anything meaningful

ah, the mysterious leonardo has appeared. I think he was the one they were trying to take the light bringer to so that’s handy

“what is happening here? what is this flirtation?? is this the people to share your sacred secrets with???” - leonardo, the only remotely rational person in the entire movie

oh he is schooling these idiots, finally someone with sense. it’s bouncing right off of lucien, but at least he’s saying it.

“the scourge” - leonardo

“scourge!” “scourge!?” “scourge?” “hrgghhg??” “hrrm...” - the roving misogynists

power ranger villain and his squeaking goblins vs leonardo, the most useless female leads of all time, and the roving misogynists. who will win.

not the people watching this movie, I can tell you that much.

oh no, the lightbringer isn’t working. this will do nothing to convince the roving misogynists that it isn’t a walking stick

oop, wilhelm scream

oh no lucien has picked up the light bringer

goddamn it he’s the chosen one isn’t he

yep he activated the stick and now we all have to suffer

oh xena 3.0′s coming for power ranger villain maybe she’ll actually do something

nope she bounced off him and now he’s grabbed her and hauled her onto his horse

“you’re coming with me” he says in his weird batman voice, to make sure the audience can tell that he is in fact taking her with him

and esme has yelled “no” to make sure we remember that she’s in the movie

wait what the. did lucien just yell “xena” is that her actual name what the fuck. what the fuck. I had to have misheard that. okay I can’t tell what he’s saying for sure but someone’s bound to say her name again at some point in the movie so I’ll revisit that.

and on that note, I think I’ll end here, because there ended up being a LOT more to unpack in this movie than I expected, it’s after midnight, and I’m tired.

tomorrow, we follow lucien as he presumably goes to save some lady he wildly disrespected and then made out with one time whose name may or may not actually be xena, and hopefully figure out what the hell is even going on with dracula, remfield, and their castle full of artfully strewn half naked harpist lesbians and dancing ceiling shadows. because right now I really don’t have time to unpack all that, and I have a feeling it will only get worse.

#this is #a masterpiece #no description of mine can hope to do it justice #hypnotically incomprehensible #tearless liveblogs

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duhragonball · 7 years

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So I was gonna look up a clip of Hellsing on Youtube because I’m too lazy to log into Funimaton’s website, and Google did this:

I’m kind of surprised Sonic the Hedgehog and Broly aren’t on that list, but I had to admit some of these got me thinking. Let me just run through these.

First off, Anderson and Walter already fought Alucard in the anime, so I’m pretty sure these are only listed because people want to watch those fights on YouTube the same way I did. Same goes for Incognito, who was apparently the bad guy from the Gonzo Hellsing series from like fifteen years ago. I should probably watch that some time. Anyway, those fights are all in the can.

Second, I don’t know jack about Dante except that he’s from “The Devil May Cry” series, and he guest stars in video games I haven’t played. I looked him up and he appears to have all the same dumb powers as Alucard, so maybe he’d do pretty well for himself. Moving on.

1. Superman. Okay, I feel pretty confident about this one, because I’ve been a Superman fan for years. If the other guy uses a gun, he’s probably no match for Superman. Yeah, Alucard has a lot of weird abilities and very few genuine weaknesses, but he still uses guns, because he’s not fast enough to simply punch holes in his enemies at a distance. Alucard can’t fly, at least not very far, or otherwise he wouldn’t have needed all those planes to get him where he needed to go. Superman doesn’t use guns for the same reason he doesn’t use climbing ropes or jetpacks.

To be fair, I’m not convinced Superman could necessarily hurt Alucard, but he’s so fast and strong I’m not sure it matters. He could wait for Alucard to go to sleep and then throw his coffin into space. He could get a bunch of silver out of a mine, melt it down, and dump molten silver all over him. That’d probably work. He could toss Integra into the air and refuse to catch her until Alucard surrendered. Superman’s pretty hardcore. I know everyone talks about how he won’t kill, and they make Batman out to be a credible threat to him, but that’s just propaganda. Yeah, Doomsday killed him, but not before Superman put him into a coma.

2. Spawn. All I really know about Spawn is that he has a time limit on his powers. The more he uses his powers, the more time runs out, and when he uses it all up, he has to go back to hell. That’s why his mask looks like a clockface, fyi. Alucard’s something like six hundred years old. Do the math.

I mean, they’d probably have a good fight, but as far as I know Spawn’s got a lot of the same powers as Alucard, but he’s more reluctant to use them. That doesn’t sound like a recipe for victory.

3. Goku. Same deal as Superman, really, except Goku would waste more time trying to slug it out with the guy. Once he realizes Alucard is helpless on open water, the fight’s basically over.

4. Dio Brando. I’ll give this one to Alucard. From what I’ve seen, Dio has a lot of weird and creepy abilities, but Alucard’s vampire powers seem more versatile. Also, Alucard hunts other vampires, so he’s automatically better prepared for this fight than Dio is to fight another, stronger vampire. Sunlight is fatal to Dio, while Alucard just finds it irritating, so that’s a huge edge right there.

Of course, I’m way behind on Jojo, so maybe Dio comes back as a cyborg dinosaur or something, and that’s what everyone’s actually looking up on Google. I’m just going by what I’ve seen of 1888 Dio. Honestly, I’d rather see those two in a debate. They have such charming voices.

5. Dracula. Uh... I think this is in reference to the boss from the Castlevania franchise, though he always loses to Simon Belmont, a human vampire hunter. I don’t know what kind of crazy powers he has, but I think he ends up in the same boat as Dio.

6. Battle Wiki. Listen, Battle Wiki has over 10,000,000 HP and can transform blades of grass into ninja soldiers made of solid titanium. Battle Wiki’s only vulnerability is the Ultimate Nullifier, when wielded by no less than the Living Tribunal himself. I know people like to point to that story where Captain America defeated him, but you have to understand that Battle Wiki was just sparring with Cap, and only used 0.00000004% of his true power. Also, he had a really bad case of the flu that day. That was why Battle Wiki eradicated the flu virus from all universes in the Omniverse in Battle Wiki #435, so he would have no weaknesses ever again. Alucard would get creamed and he knows it.

#hellsing #alucard #battleboard nonsense #dio vs seras might be a humdinger though #i think dio would still be at a disadvantage but he's tricky #i mean like y2k seras not rookie seras or 2029 seras

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