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jockpoetry · 3 years

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supernatural sees women as a tool for development and strengthening of narratives/motivation and dean sees his body as a tool. is that anything?

When I saw this ask I really made the 🥴in real life. So, yeah anon, I do think there’s something to this.

Quick Disclaimer before I actually launch into my thoughts™: A lot of my read of Dean stems from my experience as both an oldest daughter and a transman. Being the oldest daughter was an experience I lived for many years, but I am also a man. I wasn’t raised as a man, I wasn’t socialized as a man, and even though once I came out upon reflection my masculinity was obviously there. Like I was a man™ before I knew I was a man. Even when I actively tied my identity to femininity for a long time! A lot of my prideful moments were based around statements like: “I was the only girl who (fill in the blank).”

So I am just putting that out there before I launch into my spiel about Dean/Gender/Tool because they all interlock for me.

I am also going to apologize in advance because I know this has fully gone off the rails and I’m not even done writing it yet. If this is incomprehensible ! Well, happens to the best of us.

First off, most importantly I guess before we discuss womanhood and Dean and the way both are utilized on the show I need to say that I personally don’t subscribe the whole Dean is female coded thing.

It’s a read I can absolutely understand. But for me..he’s not.

He’s a hypermasculine man to the point that when (and because he is written as a punchline, as the stupid™ brother, as the whore™, as the mother/father™, as daddy’s blunt instrument™, etc) Dean deviates from the pre-accepted definition of hypermasculine it’s Wrong.

It’s Instantly Feminine.

I think the internet has made the world very black and white, or blue and pink maybe. This point, I think, colors a lot of these discussions. Dean cooks, he cleans and so therefor he’s female coded. When that really just feeds back into the whole toxic masculinity loop. You can’t be masculine and cook and clean and cry. That’s for feminine people only.

I get the argument! I do, I just think that Dean’s actions are not inherently feminine, it’s just in the vacuum of Female and in the Absence of Traditional Masculinity it makes sense to assign him female coded and move on.

IN FACT the way that Dean is the action hero of the show, the Masculine™ one on the show - but he cries, and he rages, and he cooks (Again and Again) and cleans (Again and Again). The fact he’s macho and confident but he has so little self esteem. Is frankly insane to me. You have this blaze of glory character who is so depressed that they have him kill himself. Twice. In explicitly “I hate myself, I hate hearing all the things I hate about myself, I want to destroy myself” ways.

On just a regular ol’ network show that is just ungodly bad at times. They let their Male Hero cry - all the time (if I linked every example of this the essay would be...longer than it already is, but just take my word for it). Dean tears up and grieves and shows more than just Angry Horny Violent™ (he shows plenty of that, don’t get me wrong) but he’s Emotional (Again and Again and Again). In many different ways!

I mean, beyond even just tearing up, they make their Male Hero™ face sexual violence in pretty, uniquely horrifying - and queer! - ways.

Let’s make it clear, they did a lot of this unintentionally.

Or they do it as a joke.

Off of dean for a moment to say women are plot devices in this show. I could probably count on one hand female characters who have sincere depth to them that have roles outside of progressing plot, filling a filler episode, and who are still alive. Like even characters such as Charlie who are wholly developed, and interesting, are only remembered/mentioned/utilized to progress plots or fill an episode out - and then she dies. For pain™ for plot™ for no other reason than to traumatize a character.

Which let’s also make it clear Dean’s trauma is also only used as a plot device (as is Sam’s but in a different way, and Cas’ trauma is a whole other barrel of fish we’re not gonna dive into right now). Like wholesale full stop they don’t actually care about what happened to him. Unless it’s relevant in an episode.

Oh that boys home he was left at when he was 16 for months? Sure we’ll sprinkle that in in the back half of the series. Oh he was covered in bruises and said it was from a hunt (when it’s clear contextually they were from his father but saying the fantastical but true is easier than saying the uncomfortable but true). As Dean says though the story became the story, he was sixteen. He just went along with what John said.

We only see Dean ever truly rage at John, by the way, when either Dean is dead (when he’s between life and death and he rages at John, right before John “apologizes” for traumatizing him, for putting too much on Dean’s shoulders, and fucking dying) or John is dead (the Djinn episode where Dean is straight™ and John is dead™ and he goes to his grave and just yells and rages like he should have to his father in the real world).

Dean’s trauma from being both tortured and torturer in hell? Yeah, we don’t talk about that after it’s Relevant™. Even though it’s clear - especially in the demon!dean, mark of cain era, all those years later - Alastair still has his hooks inside of Dean. I stopped watching originally after s8 ended. I was fed up with the show, and with this whole renaissance I’ve been doing a rewatch and I’m into season twelve now and it really has never come up again.

Even when he had the mark of cain and he was tasked with questioning and accused of torturing it was “the mark has changed you” and not “you were victim and victimizer in hell for forty years, which is longer than you’ve been alive on earth” (and, was about as long as he wound up living. Which is desperately sad.

Because we talk about Sam’s desire for a “normal” life but, Dean wanted out too. He was tired in the first few seasons of this show, he never had a chance to taste freedom (we don’t count the boys home, because that was a different kind of regimented life, and it was a false freedom) the way that Sam did in Flagstaff with Bones or at Stanford with Jessica. Love for Dean is sacrificing, it’s putting himself/his happiness/his well-being last.

Because Dean only knows love in the context of violence (like all of these fun examples, for starters) is a phrase that I’ve said a lot both in private chats and on here, and I absolutely think it goes to him being a tool (a blunt instrument, a plot device, so both textually and metatextually) instead of a person. Which Cas sees Dean’s shame/guilt and sees that side of Dean because he touched his soul, and saw more than just the Righteous™ man, more than just the tool, he saw A good man, not a machine.

On the other side though you have how “bad guys” view Dean: Desperate, Sloppy, Needy, Dean’s hole (Again), which is again so wildly counterintuitive to the story of a Macho Man Hero™. You’re using vocabulary that is both queering him and feminizing (and I know this a meme format, but sincerely it is done in a derogatory way it is feminizing. It’s breaking him down to bare parts, to a sloppy hole).

My whole rewatch I have been absolutely fascinated by how identity and free will is utilized/conceptualized on this show. Castiel has been my main focus, but Dean and how he is framed by himself and others is...fascinating - and frustrating. The writers inconsistency lends itself not only to this unintentionally queer character, but also one that again is incredibly easily read as a non-traditionally masculine character.

As a feminine character.

This show has so few female characters that of course it had to foist the roles/behaviors/plots that a female character might have onto a male character. Which I think is part of why reading Dean as trans (either transmasc, or transfemme) is so easily done like.

Half of these are shit posts, but you can find trans allegories/textual evidence in this show again, again, again, again, and again. And this is unintentional, they don’t want you to look at Dean and see woman, former future or present. Like a lot of these I’m sure are punchlines for them, because women/queer folk are punchlines to them.

Sometimes the only women in an episode are random witnesses who get two sentences of dialogue, and then the main guest character is a man. Who flirts with Dean, and Dean is receptive to it.

They paint themselves into a corner, there are female Rabbi. So easily could Aaron have been a woman instead of a man, but they made the choice to play up the HaHa Dean & Men card.

Because, again, Dean has filled the slot of Woman™ of Female Lead™ and the flirting would’ve been straight if Dean was a woman. It’s a plot device, they needed to have the guest character be disarming, be cute, make the main character flustered.

It’s just the main character is a man, because they’re allergic to women. But they still need those female plots, tools of femininity, to move their show forward. I mean I am a big subscriber to transmasc Jo (no idea if anyone else is with me on this one, but let me explain). Jo is in love with Dean (concept) not Dean (actuality). Which, we’ve all had our eggs cracked by someone like that. We were in love with them until we realized we just wanted to be them.

He loved her like a little sister, she loved him like a lost idol. He’s a golden calf and she dies for him, because she believed in him, she was the original character dashed at the altar of the Winchesters.

I fully believe if she had lived and if this show had a crumb of actual good writing Jo could have been a deeply compelling transmasc character. But I also think she’s a fascinating inversion of Dean. Dean is a Masculine Character who subverts Toxic Masculinity, Jo is a Tomboy™ she’s not your (if you take it straight, literally and metaphorically) average female love interest. She’s angry, she’s not soft at all, all edges and corners and thorns. She isn’t helpless, she’s stubborn but not in a “you’re going to get punished for this” way. She’s right when she’s stubborn. She’s helpful, she’s a martyr.

I could do a whole other essay just on Jo (and Ellen, and Ash, what a fucking trio!) but needless to say Jo was one of the first...plot device feminine tools sacrificed to this show. She was a regular, she was unique, she was an engaging character, and she still died (to progress the plot? no. for man pain? yeah, for like three episodes maybe, and then it’s forgotten just like the rest of Dean’s trauma, as we mentioned above).

Dean and Women and Love is a very interesting tool used too because. Boy they sure try to make Dean love women and it fails in small ways, and in big, meaningless, failed het domesticity (again) ways. Not to mention whatever Lust (in the form of a woman) having no effect upon him, when they could have used that moment to assert his Masculinity and Heterosexuality. He behaved normally? And...also...whatever the fuck the Adios thing was!

Like they have these opportunities to make him Traditionally (toxically) Masculine, but make the choice to...not? To soften him. Because it’s a tool. He’s their female lead, textually he had to take on the role of mother(/father) to Sam, but...I mean this is a million miles long already. I know, but we absolutely can’t not talk about his Paternal/Maternal behaviors. (Which appear again and again again and again, outside of his relationship with Sam even/especially). He’s the mother hen, sage, safety net, beacon, home to so many side characters they meet.

I mean in many ways Jody is also a Dean comparison. Lost her family. Found a new family. She is non-traditionally feminine, but easily flustered and Silly™ (let’s just drop the entire sex talk over family dinner scene with Alex and the boys and looking to them for help, even though she was already a mother, and she’s a cop, and a hunter and this confident no nonsense individual.... She’s not). We are meant to see her as this hard ass, but she makes extra food for the boys to take back to the bunker. She’s deadly in a fight, but also still easily overwhelmed and put into damsel mode, and she cares so much even in the face of adversity.

It’s also fun to see how Jo | Jody are reflections of Dean at different points of his life. Younger, cocky | Older, settled.

Even when the text tries to tell us that he’s not.

When it reminds us that he’s violent. That he is his father, even if he says that Sam is more like John (which was reflexive, which was angry because of Adam and how Sam was behaving like Dean in that episode, and yes there are parallels to be drawn between Sam and John, the show barely dives into them). Instead we’re told that Dean is John (Again and Again and Again and Again).

So intensely that a fanfictionalized version of the Winchester Gospels makes it an entire fucking musical number.

And yet, despite the texts insistence to make Dean Macho Man Father Reborn™ We get this Dean who is silly (and directly compared/contrasted to the female character in this scene), soft, in heels, nagging, and... Sully (you know Sam’s imaginary friend who has the same Haircut Dean has, who is a softer, shorter, friendlier, campier, version of Dean who was a replacement For Dean until the real one let Sam back in? That? Sully?) it’s hard to take them seriously.

Hell, even when he was A DEMON? What did they do? They had him sing off-key drunken karaoke, they had him doing this ! Like that’s your hero, unhinged, free to be as bad as he could be, and you put him in a cowboy hat in a romance with the king of hell.

The Female Lead, everyone. Who’s biggest betrayal(s) comes at the hands of his love interest (again, a man even though it was an angel who could’ve taken any vessel! who could’ve been recast, who canonically dies admitting his love to Dean - that one), who he tries so hard to be loyal to.

The contradictions of his character are laughable. He is so emotional, but if he is engaged about his emotions? He shuts down, or he’s exasperated about being asked about them. It really is Female Lead/Only Here For The Plot disease, because everything is more important than him. How’s he doing? Doesn’t matter outside of the context of how x character is doing or that y character is dead. Or his emotions only matter if they’re done in penance.

They also really do frame him as Pretty Boy™ in a violent way, or in a derogatory manner. They’ll give us homoerotic shots like this or these and never really acknowledge how these are gay shots. Sorry the gun scene is a a straight up sex scene, the beer sip spilling out over his mouth is oral, the scene where Cas fills up Dean’s glass with whisky is also a sex scene, they do this shit on purpose but accidentally queer it up. If Dean was a woman these scenes wouldn’t even matter. They’d be passing moments, but because he is not just a man but A Man™ they’re insane to see.

Not to mention all of these scenes and all the ones I haven’t linked where Dean dresses up. He performs masculinity, but he performs femininity too. He’s a plot device that is slotted in to whatever role they need. He’s Super Straight Butch Man™ but coaches the lesbian on how to successfully flirt with a man. He’s Action Hero™ who sits through a montage with the same lesbian and yays and nays her outfits, and enjoys himself.

Fuck he loves dressing up, he feels better in these costumes because performing a character is easier than being himself. Because who is Dean? He’s a tool, both textually and metatextually. It is exactly how the women and because of the women on the show that Dean is the way that he is. If there was a more steady female presence Dean would not be half as much of a plot device or half as camp/gay/feminine/non-traditionally masculine/queer coded as he is.

In conclusion....

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn meta #spn #gender #anon #replies #messages #my writing #ANYWAYS PHEW okay anon i don't know if i even fully got to your point but i woke up at like 3:30 to this ask and i've been fixated on it #HOPE THIS IS EVEN JUST a little bit coherent #the way i meant for this to talk so much more about transness and eldest daughter syndrome and just FORGOT #oops #oh well

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rosstrytobe · 3 years

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So finally the MCU give us the first lgbtq+ character, with Loki just saying that he had a bit of both princesses and princes but the Spn writers couldn't just do the same with Dean Winchester...

#THAT'S BULLSHIT #C'MON IT WOULD COST SO MUCH TI THEN TI JUST MAKING SAYING DEAN IS BI OR THAT HE'S ATTRACTIVE TO BOTH GENDERS JUST FOR WHAT?#WHAT COULD HAD CHANGED??#THEY MAKE CHUCK BI AND NOT DEAN?? ACTUALLY GOD IS BISEXUAL AND NOT DEAN?#And I know he did a confession when he said he wanted to experience with new people but that's not the same #Because he just say it and then like forgetting about it and I have to thanks jackles acting choices for see his biness #Anyway I'm so happy we have BI Loki 😍#Both BI men and BI women 😏😌❤️#loki series #loki episode 3 #loki spoilers #bi loki #a bit of both #dean winchester #dean winchester is bi #bisexuality #Spn

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evilskankz · 3 years

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when will non spn fans stop talking about spn <333

#shut the fuck UP literally who asked you #anyways dean winchester is so gender <3 #sonny speaks

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tootiredmotel · 3 years

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a different lover is not a sin

or: 5 times Dean didn't go to Pride + 1 time he did

Happy @starrynightdeancas gift exchange posting day!!! This one's for the wonderful and talented @andzia267 !!! Sending you all the hugs and good vibes, and I hope you enjoy it! And thank you Sophie for hosting all this, you're a rock star! <3

Read on ao3 or below / 5.5k words

CW: homophobia, queer used as a slur, john winchester being an asshole

1 - 1994

Dean was fifteen years old when he found out that being gay was something people could be proud of. It was early in the morning, they'd left their motel about 20 minutes before, and Sammy had fallen asleep in the backseat. The sun was just starting to completely show over the horizon, and they were driving through– or rather, struggling to get out of– Phoenix on their way to a possible poltergeist in Tucson. Every street they tried to take was blocked for the big event, and dozens of people already lined the sidewalks with colorful outfits and signs.

"Fuckin' queers," John grumbled in the seat next to him. "Never should'a thrown that damn brick."

Big banners overhead displayed "Stonewall 25: A Global Celebration of Pride". Dean made a mental note to hit up a library once they got to Tucson to look that up, "Stonewall". In the meantime, he was mesmerized staring out the window. Guys held hands, women kissed, everyone was practically vibrating with excitement. A black man in heels and a wig caught his gaze through the window and waved. Dean started to wave back, but his hand was harshly swatted back down.

"Do not," John said. "Don’t talk to them, don’t even look at ‘em. These people are sick in the head."

Dean focused his gaze on his lap until they were out of the city, and his mind wandered back to the gas station they stopped at the day before. He thought of the guy at the cash register that called him "cutie" and winked at him as he bought a candy bar for Sammy and beers for Dad with his fake ID. By Dad’s logic– which Dean trusted, of course–, that cashier, that queer, must've been sick in the head.

Then Dean remembered how his heart sped up, how his ears got hot, and how for a second he let himself think the cashier was kinda cute too. He realized he must also be sick in the head, and the thought was making him feel actually, physically sick. He felt like throwing up. Dad could never know.

Dean was fifteen years old when he learned that being gay actually wasn't something to be proud of.

---

2 - 2000

Dean was 21 years old when he learned the word “bisexual”. Dad had caught word of a ghoul case in lower Manhattan and sent Dean to take care of it. It was starting to get too hot and the streets were too crowded, but Dean was mostly glad to get a break from the constant fighting between Dad and Sammy.

Except it was June, and every time he turned a corner, there they were. The Pride parade flyers.

The second he spotted a rainbow he averted his gaze. He turned another corner and spotted another one. He avoided reading them at all costs. He heard Dad’s voice. Sick. Sick in the head.

For years now Dean had pretended he wasn’t sick. He pretended to not stare at Patrick Swayze too much whenever Dirty Dancing played on TV. He pretended like he didn't imagine what it would be like to kiss a guy, what stubble would feel like against his lips if he ever did.

He liked women. He could stick to women. He could live his whole life like that. And that meant he wasn’t totally sick, right? He wasn’t gay -gay if he liked girls.

But then what the hell was he? Would he even belong at one of these Pride things if he wanted to? He was probably a freak of nature. Even sicker than the rest of the bunch.

Curiosity got the best of him. He spared a glance at one of the flyers as he waited to cross the street.

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transexuals, ALL WELCOME

“Are you gonna go?” A voice next to him asked. ”It’s next weekend.” He was blond, pale, and a bit shorter than Dean.

“What? No! I don't swing that way,” Dean said, a bit too quickly and with too much bite.

The guy looked him up and down with a frown. “Geez, alright. Just askin’.”

He started to walk away, and Dean spoke up before he could stop himself.

“Hey man, wait.”

The guy stopped walking.

“Sorry, can I ask you something? Assuming you... know about this stuff?”

He seemed exasperated, but he turned anyway, willing to hear Dean out. Dean licked his lips, rubbed at the back of his neck, swallowed nervously. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, asking a stranger on the street about something so personal. At least the chances of meeting this person ever again were close to none.

“What’s bisexual?”

The guy’s features softened a bit. He seemed to understand something about Dean that so far Dean refused to acknowledge.

“It means you’re into more than one gender. And yes, you can do that,” the guy said. He flashed Dean a tight smile and then disappeared into the crowd.

Dean felt his hands go numb and balled them into fists, shoving them in his pockets. He took a deep breath through his nose. The guy said you. You are. You can.

The guy didn’t know what he was talking about. He knew nothing about Dean. He was wrong.

Or maybe he was right.

But he couldn’t be.

Dean couldn’t be… that.

Dean was 21 years old when he decided he wasn’t bisexual. He wasn’t anything. He was also 21 when he solved a case in record time (two days), just so he could book it out of New York before the next weekend arrived.

---

3 - 2004

By the time he was 25 years old, Dean knew he was bi. He hated it, he never spoke about it, and he ignored it as much as he could, but he was aware of it. And he knew he was bi because, at 25 years old, he’d already gone through two serious breakups, and they both equally sucked.

The first was Lee. He hunted with Dean and John for about a year, the second half of which Dean and Lee spent sneaking around and hooking up behind John’s back. It was fun, and hot, and exciting, and some of the best hookups he’d had up until that point in his life were with Lee.

But the thing is that it wasn’t just hooking up. They were close, and Dean liked him. A lot. They kissed for the first time after a particularly scary werewolf hunt in which Dean almost died, but John was more preoccupied with the mostly-unharmed victim than his own son. Dean and Lee rode in the backseat, bruised, bloody, and quiet. When John went to walk the victim up to her apartment, Lee reached over and placed a hand on Dean’s back, asking him if he was okay. Dean fell into Lee’s arms, and they kissed as they pulled away from the embrace, soft and comforting. It was Dean’s first kiss with a guy.

Lee was a lot of firsts for Dean over the next few months. But then John almost caught them once, drunk and making out in the Impala.

And then that case in Arizona went wrong, and Lee just couldn’t take it anymore. He packed up, swore off hunting, hugged Dean goodbye, and left him in the dust.

Dean needed to clear his head after that. He could barely look his dad in the eye after that close call, couldn't let him see the sorrow he was feeling. With every interaction, he imagined how John would yell at him, probably try to beat it out of him, if he noticed all he was feeling over Lee. Or worse, John could ignore him, practically disown him like he did Sam.

So he also packed up and left. Went hunting on his own for a while.

It was on one of those hunts that he met Cassie, and she was yet another handful of firsts for Dean over the course of a few months. She was amazing, and he fell hard and fast, but of course that went up in flames too.

Then again, he should've known better than to be honest. Honesty only ever got him in trouble.

He’d just left her back in Ohio and was working at a bar in Indianapolis for a few weeks to make some cash. He’d eventually meet back up with Dad. He just couldn’t right now. Not with Sam gone to college. Not after getting his heart broken twice over within a year.

He was hyper-aware of the end of June approaching. He knew it was coming, Indy had a pretty big celebration, and he made sure to be working all day that day so he wouldn't have to face it.

That was pointless, though. Toward the end of the day, a big group of about ten or twelve people who were clearly coming from the parade stumbled into the bar. One of them was apparently the owner’s little sister and they went there every year after the celebrations. They were loud, and obnoxious, and looked incredibly happy. Their happiness was contagious, and Dean loved serving them. He chatted them up, got to know them a bit, and heard all about the parade, all while staring down anyone at the bar who dared look their way with even the slightest stink eye.

But watching them that happy and comfortable, seeing not one, but two pairs of guys sloppily leaning against each other and sharing the occasional kiss while none of their friends seemed to bat an eye… something in Dean ached. Deeply.

Dean was 25 years old when he realized that a small part of him kind of, sort of, wanted to be part of this community. He couldn’t though. Not if he wanted to be on good terms with Dad. Not if he aimed to be the man Dad wanted him to be.

He left Indianapolis the next day.

---

4 - 2008

Dean was 29 years old and on his own personal highway to hell when he learned his brother went to a Pride parade before he ever did. They were driving through San José, the streets were lined with ads for Silicon Valley Pride, and Sam just casually decided to mention how fun it was the last time he went.

Thankfully they were at a red light, or else Dean probably would’ve slammed the breaks. He twisted to look at Sam head-on, his arm on the back of the seat.

“You what ?” he gawked.

Sam shrugged innocently. “What?”

“You went to one of these Pride things?”

“Yeah, dude.”

Dean’s brain was just trying and failing to load. “Why?” he finally asked.

“Jessica was in the GSA and some friends invited us. It was awesome.”

“She was in the what?”

“The G. S. A.,” Sam answered slowly. “Gay-Straight Alliance.”

“Oh.” Whatever that is, Dean thought. He kept eyeing the flyers. It was tomorrow.

“Green.”

“What?”

“Light’s green. Green means go.”

Dean rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

He kept driving and turned up the radio. Somebody To Love was playing, and as much as he liked Queen, he had to change the station. He tried to picture his little brother (his straight little brother) wearing rainbow face paint and having the time of his life at this thing. How come Sammy got to go when Dean could barely entertain the idea? Dean was the not-straight one. It wasn’t fair.

He channeled his jealousy into gripping the steering wheel.

“You okay, Dean?”

“Yeah.” No. “Yeah, m’fine.”

Dean was 29 years old when he died and went to hell without ever having gone to a Pride parade, knowing that his idiot ( straight! ) little brother already had.

---

5 - 2014

Dean was alive again and 35 years old (75, if you count hell) when he was formally invited to a Pride parade for the first time. It was a couple of days after that whole mess with Cas in Lucifer’s crypt, and he called Charlie. He just wanted to hear her voice, needed to know he was still on good terms with at least one of his best friends.

“So anyway,” Charlie said after a while of recounting what she’d been up to. "How single are you right now? My answer is: miserably."

Dean chuckled. Then he thought of Cas, and the smile disappeared. "Yeah, you and me both, sister."

“Would you mind coming with me to this thing next month? Going alone kinda sucks.”

Dean put the phone on speaker and placed it on the library table as he sat down with a beer. “What’s the thing?”

“Pride.”

Dean was glad no one was around to see him almost choke on his drink.

“You good?”

“Yeah, what was that?”

“Pride parade. Don’t have anyone to go with this year.”

“Why uh… Why? Why me?”

She knows.

“I dunno.”

She knows she knows she knows.

“You’re my friend, Dean. Thought maybe you might be interested. But never mind, I guess.”

And while all the alarms in Dean's head were blaring danger danger danger abort, he also hated to hear Charlie so disappointed.

“Hey, no, listen, Charlie, I… I would. Really. You know I support you, wholeheartedly." And that's obviously the only reason I would want to go. "But with Sam doing these trials, and Cas on the run with the angel tablet–”

“It’s okay Dean, I get it. Talk to you soon?”

“Yeah.”

And she hung up.

Dean knew, at this point, that there was nothing wrong with being queer. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and it sure as hell didn’t mean you were wrong in the head or whatever.

But years of pretending to be a false version of yourself in an effort to please a man who was impossible to please wasn’t exactly an easy habit to break. As much as he wished it didn't, as much as he wished he could just exist, the thought of anyone finding out still made him sick to the stomach.

John’s voice still echoed in his ears. His words still drove Dean’s sense of self-worth and so many of his decisions. He tried to never stare at a good-looking guy for too long. He tried to not get too into it with Benny. He tried to keep his feelings for Cas at bay, tried to keep him at arm's length, tried to keep the fact that he was in love (deeply, stupidly in love) as close to his chest as he could.

Even that night at the crypt choking out the words to get through to Cas, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he meant. I love you, he’d wanted to say, because it was the truth. What came out, however, was I need you. And he did, he needed Cas more than air, but it wasn't quite everything.

It still got his heart split in two.

Was he so far gone over Cas that he couldn’t hide it? Had he been trying so hard and failing just as miserably this whole time? Was his attraction to dudes that obvious? Or did Charlie just have a sixth sense for this kinda thing?

It was probably the last one. He hoped it was.

Cas knew, for sure. Angels knew everything right? They could read minds, feel longing, or whatever. And if none of that ever tipped him off, well, Dean put it all on the line back in that crypt. He told Cas how he felt, told him he needed him, tried putting himself out there, and it got him left. Again. With Dean, it was always leave-or-get-left when it came to love. He was tired of it.

Dean was 35 years old, desperately in love with his best friend, and truly heartbroken for the third time in his life, when his other best friend– an out and proud lesbian– gave him a chance to go to Pride, to break through his shell, to finally embrace himself as he was; but because he was practically living in the closet, he couldn’t seem to find the handle after so many years of purposefully ignoring its existence, and he missed his chance. Besides, what was the point of going to a celebration of love without the love of his life by his side?

---

+1 - 2021

Dean is now 42 years old and the happiest he’s ever been. The love of his life? Cas? Turns out he’s felt the same way all along. They're kind of together now, and slowly but surely they’re working through a decade’s worth of shit.

They’ve been raising a kid together too, along with Sam and Eileen, and that kid is also God. After saving the world and whatnot, Jack decided to bring back some of their friends and family that died over the years: Mary, Kevin, Charlie. Yes, there are two Charlies now, but it’s not as confusing as you’d expect. (One is from another dimension, and the other one is Dean’s little sister. Simple.) Mary’s off hunting most of the time and Kevin’s applying to college.

They’ve got extended family now too, Jody and the girls. OG Charlie is staying with them for now, while she finds her footing. Most of that household is queer. Most of Dean's household is queer as well, actually. Turns out both Jack and Eileen are non-binary, Cas is gay in the broader sense of the word, and Dean…

Dean is bi. And everyone knows now.

Apparently, a lot of people had known for a long time. Sam has known since the siren back in ‘09 (even though Dean stands by the fact that it wasn’t like that, Sammy ), and everyone has slowly picked up on his and Cas’s thing over the years, so there’s that.

He still feels a bit weird about it. About calling Cas his boyfriend, about having the freedom to hold his hand in public, about the fact that they now have goddamn pride flags hung around the bunker. He feels even weirder about the fact that John’s voice in his head is now drowned out by the sounds of his home life, more lively and supportive than he ever expected to have.

He wasn’t expecting any of this, he didn’t think everything would change so fast. But when you spend the better part of your life pushing down such a huge part of you and then finally give yourself an out, a chance to show the people who love you who you really are, everything just... follows.

Love follows. Acceptance follows. Family follows. And he wasn’t really expecting any of it.

He certainly doesn’t expect it when Cas walks into the library after his weekly Thursday evening call with Claire and announces, matter-of-factly and with air quotes, “We’re going to "Pride" this weekend.”

Dean’s stomach drops. It’s the Sioux Falls Pride Parade and Festival, it’s in two days, and they’re leaving tomorrow to spend the night at Jody’s so they can all be there bright and early Saturday morning. Everyone immediately starts bustling about, packing and planning outfits and gathering flags to bring with them.

Dean just goes to his room– his and Cas’s now– to pack a small duffle.

Well, he means to. Instead, he takes out the duffle from the closet, puts it on the bed, and sits next to it for a while. An hour goes by. He thinks back to all those times he had brushes with one of these things and was just never in the right mindset. He’s not even sure he’s in the right mindset now, but he’s going. It’s happening.

“Jack’s all ready to go,” Cas says when he walks in. “We spent about half an hour putting together an outfit for Saturday. He wanted it to be as colorful as possible.”

Dean smiles, but it’s not all there. He looks at the empty duffle next to him.

“Yeah, I might need some help with that myself.”

Cas is in sweats and a hoodie. Yes it’s June, yes it’s hot, but he’s a quasi-angel, and the way he experiences the world Dean will never be able to wrap his head around. He walks over and stands in front of Dean, running a hand through his hair and down the side of his face until he’s cupping Dean’s jaw. Dean takes Cas’s hand and leaves a few kisses on the inside of his wrist, closing his eyes as he does.

Cas regards the empty bag and hums quietly, as if in thought, before walking over to their closet. Dean chases his hand, holding onto it until he’s completely out of reach. Cas starts searching, and Dean’s stomach knots more and more with each clang of the hangers. Cas finally pulls out a flannel from its hanger– purple with hints of blue and pink– and tosses it over. Dean can’t believe he didn’t think of it first.

They continue to pack in comfortable silence before changing and getting into bed. Dean doesn’t flop onto his stomach or cuddle into Cas’s side as he usually does; instead, he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling in a daze.

“Dean?” Cas’s voice snaps him out of it.

Dean turns his head and asks, automatically, “You okay?”

It’s a habit by now, asking each other that question. It’s part of the working-through-a-decade’s-worth-of-shit thing they’re doing. Turns out they share a whole lot of trauma. They share worries and insecurities. They share nightmares sometimes, mostly about the Empty.

“I’m okay,” Cas says, putting his hand on top of Dean’s heart for him to hold, and Dean can breathe a little easier.

“You nervous about this thing?” Dean asks, interlocking their fingers.

“The parade? No, not really.”

And then, because he's been working on communicating how he's feeling out loud or whatever, Dean looks back up at the ceiling and says, "I am. Kinda."

He feels Cas shifting and propping himself up on his elbow, and then he's in Dean's line of sight. Dean's gaze is drawn to him, like all of him has been since the moment they met, and Dean can't believe he just has this now. He has a boyfriend, and it's Cas, and he's looking down at Dean with stars in his eyes and a comforting smile that actually works because it's Cas.

And then Cas is leaning down and softly pressing their lips together, and that's also something Dean can’t believe he gets to do: kiss Cas good morning and good night and at any moment in between, kiss him I'm sorry, kiss him we're going to be okay, kiss him I love you.

"I love you too, Dean," Cas says once they've pulled away, and Dean didn't even realize he'd said it out loud, but it doesn't matter. "And you don't need to be nervous. I'll be there with you."

The thought should be a thousand times more nerve-wracking, not just going to Pride but going to Pride with Cas on his arm. It's not nerve-wracking at all, and he soon drifts off to sleep.

Friday goes by faster than it should. The six-hour drive to Sioux Falls, although packed in a car with five people, goes by in a blink. They stop for provisions before getting to Jody's, filling up on backpacks' worth of snacks.

They get to the house and are met with endless hugs and excitement to match. Patience, Alex, and Jody are already working on dinner for the bunch, while Charlie, Donna, and Kaia are running around prepping for the next day and dragging along a hesitant but nevertheless happy Claire. Dinner is chaotic and loud and there are way too many people at the table, and Dean has to step outside after a while.

He sits on the back porch steps. Claire joins him. She's holding a beer, he's not. He hasn't been drinking for a few months now. They don't talk, but she leans her head on his shoulder and they stay there a while, looking at the stars.

When they go back inside, Claire sits back down in her spot at Cas's left, across the table from Dean, and leans on his shoulder for a while too. It's her way of saying she cares, of saying I missed you without really saying it. Jack sits at Cas's right, talking excitedly with Patience about some tv show or other, and the image fills Dean with such fondness that he reaches over with his foot, presses it to Cas's ankle, and keeps it there for the rest of the night.

Dean, Cas, Jack, Sam, and Eileen spend the night spread out around in the living area while the girls sleep in their respective rooms, and Dean is only slightly less nervous as he falls asleep holding Cas’s hand.

---

The nerves all come flooding back as he’s parking the Impala the next morning.

They’re not able to get even remotely close to Phillips Avenue since the streets are so full. They park the three cars that all twelve of them came in as close as they can and then have to walk for another twenty minutes. From blocks and blocks away, people walk and holler and greet them excitedly, many of them trying to circle this swarm of flanneled individuals that are taking up a whole sidewalk. Granted, Dean and Claire are the only ones in their usual kind of outfit. The rest of the bunch is wearing as many colors as they could compile from their closets, half of them are wearing face paint, and the other half are carrying an assortment of pride flags.

They fit right in.

The walk toward the main avenue of the parade is kind of a blur for Dean. He knows he waved at a few people, some friends of Alex from high school joined the group at some point, and Jack already grabbed a snack from his backpack.

The actual parade is also kind of hazy. Getting out of the house that morning had been probably even more chaotic than the night before, so they’re a bit late and the parade has already been going for a good half hour. On top of that, they accidentally merge into it not quite at the starting point but a bit further down the road, in between a decked-out pickup truck and a group of people with dogs. Music is blaring, the dogs are all barking, a big float rides a few yards in front of them, and hundreds stand on the sidewalks recording on their phones and cheering them along.

Dean’s not sure they’re even supposed to be in the actual parade. Maybe they’re supposed to be on the sidewalks? Is this right? What is happening, what is he even doing here?

He doesn’t notice how heavy he’s breathing until Cas is squeezing his hand and beckoning him to meet his eyes. He does, and the blue in them, as imposing as the Atlantic, drowns out everything else around them. “You’re okay, my love,” Cas says. It’s a fact. As long as Dean is with him, he’s okay.

On his other side, Dean feels someone link their arm around his. It’s Charlie, and she’s beaming at them, her cheeks almost as red as her hair. It brings Dean back to reality, grounds him, but he’s okay now. He’s not alone, and he’s meant to be here.

He’s proud to be here.

The parade leads up to a sloping park, and at the lowest point of it, there’s a stage where Dean assumes someone will MC for the afternoon, or maybe perform. It’s grandiose in its simplicity, kind of like a Greek theater, with everyone settling down on the grass around it, expectantly.

“We’ll be right back,” Dean hears Sam say, and he turns to find they’re all set to spend the afternoon, towels laid and backpacks off (save for his). “Jack wants to go meet the drag queens,” Sam says with just a bit too much glee before he and Jack take off.

“It’s not just Jack,” Eileen smiles and follows.

Cas is already sitting, eating one of the PB&Js he packed as lunches for everyone. Jody and Donna are settling down as well and Charlie’s taking a dozen pictures, but the rest of the girls are all standing. “We’re gonna go check out the vendors,” Claire announces, and they start to take off as well.

“Be careful, please!” Dean calls after them, but they pay him no mind. He turns to Charlie. “Hey, your majesty, keep an eye on them will you?”

She smiles, bows gracefully, and heads in the same direction.

Jody stands and grabs Dean by the arm, beckoning him to talk in private for a second.

“What’s up?”

If Dean knows Jody at all, and he does, they’re on the brink of a mom talk.

“Look around, Dean.”

“What for?”

“Just look,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Please?”

So, at her request, Dean starts taking in the environment. Now that everyone is gathered, he can actually see all the people that came out (heh) for the event. There are church groups, pet shelters, skateboarders, and rollerskaters. Drag queens are already taking pictures by the stage, and at least two people are wearing unicorn heads. A few vendors’ tents and food trucks surround the park, and rainbows completely dominate the scenery. There are elders, and kids, and all kinds of families and couples, and everyone looks… happy. Free.

And Dean is here with them. He is one of them.

There’s no danger, no monsters of any kind. No one to judge him, hurt him, call him sick in the head.

He finds Claire’s blonde head amongst the sea of shoppers at the edge of the park. She’s holding hands with Kaia and has one of the biggest smiles Dean has ever seen on her face. There’s no shame in it, and she’s not in any danger either. Things are different now, and she has the freedom to be herself that he never had at her age.

He has it now too. He can be himself.

Dean doesn’t realize he’s about to cry until Jody pulls him down into a hug.

“Dean, I am so proud of you.”

And then he cries.

---

They spend the afternoon laying on the grass, eating, drinking, and enjoying the festivities. The girls come back from the vendors’ tents after a full hour, and most of the bags on their arms are Charlie’s. She gets Cas a mug that says bee yourself in rainbow colors with an image of a cartoon bee, and she gets Dean a button pin that says AC/DC in pink and blue. There’s a meaning behind that apparently, and Dean decides he’ll look it up later.

Jack memorizes all the drag queen’s names. Donna takes a million pictures. They trade numbers with a few people.

There’s a big fireworks show just after sundown. It starts to get windy and a bit chilly, so Dean grabs the nearest pride flag and wraps it around himself. Cas, the perpetual freak who just doesn’t feel temperature apparently, is wearing a t-shirt and shorts and smiling at him unabashedly.

“What?”

“That’s the bisexual flag.”

So it is. “Shut up,” Dean says, but he’s smiling too. “You want in on this?”

He doesn’t wait for Cas to respond before he wraps it around his shoulders as well. The fireworks continue.

“You know,” Cas says after a beat. “As beautiful as they are, pyrotechnics are extremely damaging to the environment.”

Dean can’t help but laugh because of course, Cas would say something like that in a moment like this. He laughs and laughs and regrets being the only one to have heard that; then again, he’s the only one who could’ve found that funny.

He laughs a bit more, wipes a tear, and sees that Cas is still just solemnly watching the show.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” He replies and then turns his head.

Dean wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so bad. Then he remembers where he is, physically and in his life right now, realizes whom he’s surrounded by at this very second, and decides that he can.

So he does. It’s not unlike the way he kissed Cas when they rescued him from the Empty. Granted, there’s less sweat, blood, adrenaline. But just like that day, they’re both on the ground, and the gesture catches Cas by surprise. Just like that day, Dean pulls Cas in gently by the back of his neck and there’s no hesitance or fear. Just like that day, he just does it, presses their lips firmly together, and relishes in the taste of Castiel, in the feeling of the person he loves most in this world kissing him back.

The one big difference is this: that day marked the beginning of the rest of his life. Today? Today is just Dean’s first Pride.

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autisticandroids · 3 years

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Oh patron saint of mpreg, tell us, what is the absolute gold standard canon divergent mpreg scenario with Cas and Dean?

so for me the gold standard is for cas to get pregnant due to some kind of magical or metaphysical situation that dean at least does not perceive as sex. bonus points is cas is hesitant about it but refuses to explain why (because he doesn't know how dean will deal with the concept of himself being able to potentially get cas pregnant), so dean is like "we're doing it anyway" and then they do it and then cas doesn't tell anyone that he is pregnant until circumstances force the information out of him. and then dean has to deal with the fact that 1) cas can get pregnant, 2) cas is pregnant, 3) it's his, and he does so pretty poorly.

the rest is under a cut because this post is over 2.5k words long.

my favorite times for this to happen are at the end of season nine, just before dean dies and gets demonized in do you believe in miracles, and at the start of season twelve, just before sam and dean go to jail, because the pining in both those scenarios is delicious but it is so much more powerful if cas is also pregnant, and never even told dean. double points if the truth somehow comes out while they're separated so when dean comes back it's like. yeah cas is pregnant. it's yours. welcome home dean now you have to coddle cas' emotions because he thought he would have to raise your baby alone.

the season twelve scenario is particularly delicious because 1) we can have lucifer slut shaming cas in front of crowley in rock never dies, so crowley knows before dean, and 2) much more importantly, mary is there, and i am obsessed with like. okay. several things.

- the idea of mary getting all baby fever because she misses her boys and this is like. a baby she can take care of because she never got to take care of sam

- the idea of dean working through some of his parentification trauma by coparenting a child with the parent whose place he felt he had to take

- the idea of mary coming in and projecting her insane 1980s gender roles all over cas, suddenly treating him like a woman, stripping him of agency, etc. and like. dean would also do this even though he's not from the eighties, but mary would do it double strength, and they would reinforce each other, it would be a nightmare

- also mary trying to relate to cas on the Travails Of Motherhood etc. and cas being like ?????????? like i cannot stress enough that the weird gender roles she projects onto cas are also standards that she held herself to back when she was a Wife And Mother. while cas is like mary i am not a human woman and also i don't see what "having to look pretty for my man when i'm all baby bloaty" has to do with anything. that's not something i feel like i have to do

oh and 3) could you imagine lily sunder has some regrets if cas was pregnant? unfathomable episode. like ishim and mirabel's reaction but ALSO lily's. and it would fix the number one issue i have with lily sunder, which is that the resolution of the moral dilemma is "well AKSHUALLY the kid was human and not a nephilim so killing it was bad" rather than "it was bad to kill lily's baby, full stop." like ishim's cover up and using the machinery of power to manipulate the truth is very compelling, but the fact that it results in the moral essentially being "it would have been okay if the kid had been a nephilim" suuuuuucks.

basically, there's a reason i have two entire mpreg aus set in season twelve.

and then the delicious part in the season nine version is like. one, dean is away for much longer and he could be anywhere. also he's a demon and he's cheating on cas with crowley. and then even when cas gets him back he's still cursed with the mark, so we can get all weepy over that. you know. i'm the one who's going to have to watch you murder the world and i'm eight months pregnant. etc etc.

but the other thing that's juicy about this version is that cas is still semi-involved with the other angels at this point, like he's roadtripping around with hannah and they're trying to get heaven under control, so carrying a nephil is going to really affect those relationships. so he's going to be probably disliked by the other angels, and there are MANY opportunities for slut-shaming, but at the same time, the other "outcast" type angels might respect him for violating heaven's dictates.

and then of course there's his grace vampirism victorian wasting disease. in canon he's perfectly happy to let himself die, but if he were having dean's baby he would absolutely not do that, that's dean's baby he's endangering there. so of course there's the terrible guilt of having to kill other angels so he can live, plus potentially preparing to die shortly after childbirth so he doesn't have to keep killing. delicious.

and on top of all this cas can get slutshamed by metatron in, depending on when exactly he gets knocked up, meta fiction, stairway to heaven, and do you believe in miracles. plus stairway to heaven would be insane like all the angels would know that cas is pregnant. they would see it in his grace. like cas' angel army would just. know that he was pregnant with a nephil, and have to accept that because he's their leader. in love with humanity indeed.

i'm trying to think of other good times for this drama with cas getting secretly pregnant through a nonsexual interaction to take place. it would be great in season six. like: he's doing a blasphemy with his body but at the same time he's this big important rebel leader so they can't say shit about him, and also he's pregnant while fighting these big important battles (fun and sexy), AND this is like, hot on the heels of the realization that something about his feelings for dean is untoward, expands beyond the bounds of ordinary friendship and camaraderie. like he realizes that, and maybe even that he has sexual feelings for dean, and then he gets immediately knocked up. stunning.

it would ALSO be extremely fun for it to be some kind of... i don't know, magical longer gestation times, whatever, but for cas to have gotten pregnant sometime in s5 and only realized during the Year Of Lisa. LOVE to watch a man rake leaves while both metaphorically carrying the taint of taboo sexual feelings for him and literally carrying his child.

but the thing about season six is, first of all, cas isn't really... envisioning a future with dean. not the way he does in the later seasons. like does he fantasize about a future with dean? yes. like. he really did watch that motherfucker rake leaves. but it's only fantasy. he expected to never speak to dean again after swan song until dean prayed to him in the third man. he's obsessed with dean, but it's distant. remote.

like, we talk about cas babytrapping dean in the later seasons with jack, and he absolutely does, and he would do it even more if dean got him literally pregnant, but that babytrap is about... how do i put this. it's about winning dean's affection. late seasons cas knows that he's going to die by dean's side. the difference that babytrapping dean makes is that maybe it will get dean to be nice to him in the mean time, instead of discarding him like so much toilet paper.

but season six cas doesn't think of it like that. if he were gonna babytrap dean, it would be in the more traditional sense of forcing dean to stay with him in order to raise their child together. and he would never do that. he wants dean to have a happy future, which in his mind does not include him. like, compare here "he's retired and he's to stay that way" in the man who would be king, where cas assumes that dean is happy without him and expects him to live out his days peacefully without ever seeing him again, to "i'm the one who's going to have to watch you murder the world" in the prisoner, where cas assumes that he will be by dean's side for centuries.

but anyway, the other, much more important problem with season six is that cas has a war to fight. like, in the later seasons, cas really has nothing. even when he's on tenuous good terms with the angels, he doesn't really have a home with them. the winchesters are his family, and he'd give up anything for them. he has nothing in his life. he's at rock bottom, and this becomes truer the further along you go. late seasons cas has nothing he would prioritize over serving the winchesters, and he would be happy dropping anything he was involved in to have and raise dean's baby. parenting would give him a purpose that he no longer has, because everything else has been stripped from him.

but in season six cas has a life outside of them. like yes, he has a war to fight, but he also has a place in heaven, with the other angels. he belongs somewhere, he has solid connections to the outside world. even if he didn't have a war to fight, i don't know how excited he would be to have and raise a baby (even dean's baby) because he simply has other things he could be doing. he's involved in the world beyond the winchesters.

like, the reason cas wants to be a parent is that he is totally alone and totally purposeless. having a child gives him both a reason for being and someone who will always love him and who he can care for. if he doesn't have that hole in his life he might not be so eager to fill it with a baby.

for all these reasons, this plotline really doesn't work in season six, because you simply cannot justify cas not getting an abortion, unless you do something nasty like make angel abortion impossible, which i don't love.

you COULD somehow put the impregnation just at the end of season six, maybe just before the man who would be king, such that cas doesn't realize he's pregnant until he's already godstiel. you guys are unfortunately very aware of how obsessed i am with pregnant godstiel.

actually, @jeanne-de-valois has a concept of like. a single, madness fueled midnight hookup immediately pre-tmwwbk (or maybe even during, but prior to the superman mistake), where cas is simultaneously so stressed from being stretched so thin from the war and the lying and the shady dealings, and so high on being The Big Man In Heaven, that he's bold and out of his mind enough to actually come onto dean, like he just appears one night in dean's bedroom and is like, fuck me, and dean is like 👁👄👁 okay. so they have one single adrenaline and madness fueled hookup, and then everything immediately goes to shit.

and i think that's a great place for cas to get pregnant, and then he doesn't realize until he's become god, or maybe he does and he's just like "i'll deal with it later," either way godstiel is like oh? i carry dean's heir inside me? i will have dean's baby. i will have dean's baby it is my right and also my boon to him and also a symbol of my great and magnanimous love for humanity. and also maybe i will put giant paintings of myself pregnant with his child up in churches. what about that. which would be fun. don't know when he would give birth though. actually it would be insane if he gave birth as emmanuel and was just like. raising dean's nephil when dean found him again. nuts. but it just doesn't really have the same flavor as late seasons mpreg. doesn't compel me nearly as much. like the symbolism of godstiel being pregnant with dean's child is fun and sexy but them actually raising the kid afterwards doesn't compel me nearly as much, so it's better to leave literal mpreg to the later seasons and let godstiel mpreg reside in symbolism and fantasy.

or maybe the fetus gets stolen by the leviathans when cas walks into the lake and dean has to battle his leviathanated nephil daughter as the main villain of s7. like she's dick roman's secret weapon. i think that would be fun, actually. kind of an emma situation but drawn out over the whole season. and he thinks cas is dead for most of it so she's all he's got left of cas and a mess cas left for him to clean up. big sexy.

and as a bonus, i will also tell you the best time, imo, for dean to get pregnant: near the end of season eight. possibly a single, tragic farewell fuck in sacrifice when cas is planning to lock himself away in heaven and they're never gonna see each other again. and this impregnates dean with cas' nephil.

but then cas is human. and he can't do anything about it. like generally if they managed to get dean pregnant somehow, cas would immediately talk him into an abortion (which wouldn't be too hard; dean's natural white midwestern man who doesn't vote aversion to abortion would be at war with the horror of being pregnant, and the horror would win), or might not even inform dean that he's pregnant, and just quietly end the pregnancy without dean's knowledge, because cas would never put dean through that. but if cas is human, he can't do that. and furthermore, that nephil is the last evidence of his angelic nature that persists. it's the last of what he used to be, the last of his grace. and there's something absolutely delectable about that.

then of course dean would have to leave the bunker if he was pregnant with a nephil, because angels would be after him, and he wouldn't want to lead them to gadreel, so i am imagining dean discovering that he's pregnant and then showing up in a panic at the gas n sip like "actually cas i'm also out of the bunker will you go on the run with me?" and then they go on the run and have to live in motels again and cas gets to live with take care of dean who is pregnant with his child which is essentially his dream, and he doesn't have to feel guilty because he's no longer capable of giving dean an abortion so he doesn't feel obligated to get him to have one. ideally cas gets re-angeled just in time to give dean an angelic c-section. or maybe they rely on a normal human c-section in a hospital and cas stays human and they are two humans raising their nephil, which is also fun to me.

#spn #asks #anonymous #mpregpocalypse

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constantcrisis19 · 2 years

Text

Trouble In Paradise - Part 3

Dean Winchester x GN S/O

Word Count: 995

Main Page

Warnings: Graphic description of injuries

The next morning you were woken up by the sound of someone knocking on your door. You tried to ignore it, but when the noise persisted, you sat up with a disgruntled grunt. “Alright. Alright, I’m coming.” You call out to whoever disturbed your rest, glaring at the door like you had the power to set whoever was behind it on fire.

Thankfully, once you spoke, the insistent pounding stopped and your room was once again quiet. You trudged toward the door, pausing when a jaw-breaking yawn caused your eyes to water. You rubbed the involuntary tears away as you opened the obstruction, your brows furrowing when met with an empty hallway.

You looked both ways, making to take a step out, when your foot hit something that crinkled. “What the…” Your attention was brought downwards at the unidentified sound, your gaze finding a bag of takeout on the floor just in front of your doorway. Doing another curious glance around, you crouched down to grab the bag, inspecting it for any clues as to why it was there.

The logo on the front of the bag revealed that its contents were from your favorite shop and your eyebrows rocketed up to meet your hairline. Only a set few people knew that information, one of which being the only one close enough to deliver it to you. Sure, hypothetically Castiel could’ve been capable of doing such a thing, but he would’ve done it in person.

Hell, he probably would’ve just flapped right into your room, regardless of how many times you and the brothers have scolded him for his blatant disregard of established boundaries.

Thinking about the oblivious angel brought a smile to your face as you shuffled back into your room, shutting and locking the door behind you. This was no doubt Dean’s way of trying to apologize for being an ass the previous evening, though you knew better than to think of the gesture as total forgiveness.

If he didn’t bother giving breakfast to you in person, then it was a message that he was still upset about everything else. Regardless of that, you took the bag as a sign that there was still hope for making things okay again. You both were in the wrong, you could at least acknowledge that much.

You couldn’t deny that it wasn’t your place to step between Winchester business. And it wasn’t exactly like it was a secret that Dean’s natural reaction to being challenged was to become vicious, so you weren’t sure why the backlash had surprised you so much. Though admittedly, your response to his defensive reaction certainly didn’t help the rapidly devolving argument.

As you worked through your breakfast, you considered what to do next, deciding to go to the lobby in order to do some more research. The wifi was better there anyway. You crumpled up the various empty wrappers before shoving them back in the bag and lining up your shot. “Kobe.” You hummed before tossing the bundle at the trashcan, doing a celebratory fist pump when the bag went in.

In a much better mood than the days before, you collected up your laptop and left your room, prepared to pursue some of your new leads. After exiting the elevator, you claimed one of the leather chairs in the middle of the room and set up your area. In a notebook, you recorded every victim's gender, ethnicity, age and location to determine if there were any recurring themes.

You were clicking through tabs of news articles that you had bookmarked earlier when ice suddenly shot down your spine, your palms becoming clammy as a feeling of immense dread made itself known. You cast aside your work for the moment, glancing around with the hopes of locating the source of the horrible sensation, and your gaze locked onto an unfamiliar woman in a puffy ski jacket standing near the fireplace.

Then it clicked.

You were somehow sensing the aura around her shifting into something hostile in real time, marking her as the next victim. Now full on abandoning your computer and notes on the coffee table, you launched into movement, rapidly closing the distance between yourself and the woman.

You saw her eyes widen in shock as she registered the dangerous energy surrounding her, the woman’s fearful gaze darting up and meeting yours as you reached out to grab her. Though, as soon as your hand wrapped around the puffy material covering her forearm, thousands of nails appeared out of nowhere and stabbed into her figure.

It was as if a shrapnel bomb had went of right next to her, but only she was affected.

Although, that wasn’t entirely the case.

She might’ve been the intended victim, but it seemed as if touching her had infected you as well, if the multitude of nails jabbed into your flesh from fingertip to elbow were any indication. However, you got lucky. Because while only a small portion of your arm was affected, the woman was covered from head to toe, making her look like some kind of human pincushion.

You accidentally met her gaze once again, slamming your eyes shut in an effort to control the sudden burn of bile at the back of your throat. But the orange of your eyelids didn’t block out the image of the whites of her eyes dripping down her face like milky tears, the nails keeping her face frozen in agony.

You felt the moment that the woman’s knees buckled, the nails connecting your hand to her arm forcing you to follow her down to the floor. You distantly registered the people close enough to have witnessed the entire thing begin to panic, horrified screams echoing off the high ceiling of the lobby and drawing attention to you.

You forced your eyes open and to your pinned hand, feeling shaky and nauseous as you began the painful process of pulling your appendage free from the corpse.

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #hunter reader #dean winchester x reader #season 8 #hunt gone wrong #hurt reader #this ones gonna be nasty #just saying #if you don't do well w/ gore #maybe steer clear #for your own good #otherwise enjoy

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godtrials · 3 years

Note

if you're still doing recs, do you know of any good always-a-girl genderbend fics? I'm particularly fascinated by stories where one of them is still a guy (like Wayfinding by rageprufrock) and then examining how that changes the family dynamic w/both the brothers and w/John. would love to read more fics that do it well!

dude this is the ask of all time. yes. yes i do. i split by the gender of sam and dean, but i'm not differentiating based on whether they're cis or not <3 no one comment on how disproportionately girlsam they are <3

both girls

End of an Era this one is mine, is that allowed? anyway, a small pre-series slice of life with the winchester girls. 1k.

that girl is a problem the winchester girls and the word ‘whore’. 1k.

girl sam

Ain't Slowing Down Teenage lesbian Sam!!! 4k.

Totally a Chick Flick Moment Dean helps Sam go to prom. 3k.

Tender Me a Fool It’s Sam, not Sammy, not Samantha. 1k.

Try and Love Again Late-seasons Sam tries to tell Dean who she is. 2k.

the quiet road to a distant city Another coming-out fic, only this one goes better. 1k.

Distress Dean learns to dean with Sam's hair, about ages 12 & 8. 2k.

type of girl for you Teenage lesbian Sam AGAIN! She and Dean are in a diner with a pretty girl. 2k.

only so many faces Sam is a trans woman, Dean is bi, they both beat people up sometimes, it's great. 5k.

Sharp Edges Excerpts from pre-series. 600 words.

When the Sun Shines, It Glitters Little Dean buys little Sam nail polish. 1k.

Damn Periods What the title says. 1k.

romeo and juliet are together in eternity (we can be like them) Season 2 horror show. 2k.

girl dean

Like a Girl Snippets throughout their life. 6k.

#girl sam winchester #fic rec #<3 #girl dean winchester #asks

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disabledcas · 3 years

Text

for #transnaturalweek day 3: family + day 6: euphoria

↳ a fic about dean finding comfort in himself and in his gender through his child

this is the dress jack is wearing later in the fic. tw for one single sentence implying suicidal ideation.

wordcount: 1.7k | read on ao3

Dean never thought he was gonna be a parent. When transitioning he never got rid of that part of himself for the reason that one day. Some day. But he’s a hunter, when would he have time to plan for it, go through with it and then raise a child?

He thought a lot about it, though. All those sleepless nights where he had hours to himself, just to think. The thought of having a child never bothered him, rather it pleased him somewhat. A little baby to call his own, to hold, to love, to cherish. But it was impossible, with the life he led.

He didn’t want to be a dad, anyway. A father. He didn’t want to be like John.

He shelved the thought of having a child for years. He lost Sam, he got him back. He went to hell, he came back. He started the apocalypse, he ended it. He lost Sam again, he got him back. He lost Cas, he got him back.

In purgatory something changed. He met Benny, and Benny had a little girl with him. A child. She was around five years old, according to Benny, and her name was Emma. Dean didn’t wanna think about how she ended up here, all he knew was that she lost her mother and Benny found her in purgatory. Almost every waking moment was spent on finding Cas, but the rest was spent on taking care of her. They had to work together, him and Benny, to keep her safe.

They found Cas. By a lake. Dean hugged him, complimented his peach fuzz, doing everything to appear casual. The truth was he would’ve gotten down on his knees begging for him to come with them if he had to. He didn’t, though.

He doesn’t know why he thought Cas wouldn’t like kids, maybe from how clueless and heartless he was in relation to Claire, but Emma was actually the one that finally softened Cas up. Dean’s never seen a smile like that on him. A special, reserved smile that’s mostly directed at kids.

Something clicked in him there, something he couldn’t describe. He didn’t dwell on it, he couldn’t afford to, but it was there. From that moment on it never left him.

They found the portal. He used the spell to capture Benny and Emma’s souls in his arm and released them outside. They lost Cas on the way. It was Dean’s fault, he didn’t hold on tight enough. Sam hit a dog, met a girl, left the girl. Dean said goodbye to Benny and Emma. He locked himself in the bathroom for an hour after, crying his eyes out. He didn’t know why it hurt so much, losing them. Cas came back and it hurt a little less.

He got the Mark of Cain and stopped feeling. Or did he feel too much? He got rid of it and in the process they released the darkness. He lost Cas again.

When Mary came back it changed everything. All energy went into explaining everything to her, he had to use words and explanations he didn’t want to in desperate attempts to make her understand. Days were spent crying and sobbing and hiding. She eventually accepted it. But Dean understood it was weird, not just going from having a little girl and a baby boy and coming back to two men but the fact that they were also men. They were older than she was. She had children older than herself.

He told her that he kept his middle name. Dean Mary Winchester. It helped. She smiled at him.

Cas died again. Dean didn’t wanna live. He was handed a baby and he thought, this isn’t how I wanted this to go. This isn’t how this was gonna happen.

One day when Jack was around two months old, he woke up at 3am crying. Dean was up before he even knew what he was doing. He picked him up and held him close to his chest, he was shirtless because he read somewhere that babies crave skin to skin contact. As he started walking around the room, he gently bounced him up and down and hushed him softly. He was tired, sleep-deprived and he wasn’t thinking of what he was saying. Which is probably exactly why he ended up saying,

“Shh, baby. Momma’s here, it’s okay.”

He froze when he realised what he’d just said. Where had that come from? And why did it fit? He worried Jack was gonna tell it didn’t match up but then, as if by some miracle, it worked. Jack started calming down.

Jack was 4 months old when Cas came back. Dean was unsure when he handed him over to Cas, but he remembered Emma from all those years ago and calmed down. He had no reason to worry either because Jack immediately settled in Cas’ arms. Jack and Cas made eye contact and Dean frowned, Jack’s never been able to hold his gaze that long before. After a few minutes Dean realised.

“Are you guys talking to each other?” he asked.

Cas looked up and his eyes glimmered in the light.

“He missed me.”

Dean’s mind started spinning. Jack was only a baby, how is he talking already?

“He said that to you?!”

Cas chuckled and one tear fell over and ran down his cheek.

“No,” he shook his head, “He just sent a… a feeling.”

Jack gurgled and both their gazes fell down to him. Dean reached down and wiped some of the spit away from his mouth.

It took until Cas overheard Dean talking to Jack one night for Dean to tell him about what he is to Jack. He was scared, unnecessarily so. Cas was fine with it, Dean didn’t know why he thought he wouldn’t be.

He kissed Cas there. In relief, in confusion, in love.

The first time Jack said his name they were in the kitchen. It was a regular Tuesday afternoon and Dean was fixing him lunch. Jack was stretching his arms as far as they could go from where he was strapped down in his chair. He was making little grabby hands for the juice box in Dean’s hand.

“Momma,” he said.

Dean whipped around quickly, eyes widening as he stared at Jack. Cas came walking into the kitchen and paused when he saw Dean. He asked him what was wrong but when Jack repeated himself Cas, too, stood frozen. He snapped out of it quicker, though, and walked over to Jack. He crouched down next to his stool and asked him to repeat himself but Jack clamped up, suddenly shy. He pointed at the juice box in Dean’s hand. Dean wordlessly handed it to Cas.

As Jack grew Dean saw more and more of Cas in him. In both appearance and behaviour. The only thing that stuck out was his sandy blonde hair. Cas said he took after him in that department. Dean argued that he wasn’t that blonde.

People around them thought Jack was theirs. They met an old friend once who knew Dean was trans and he connected the dots. The wrong dots but Dean didn’t correct him. He realised it might be unfair to Kelly, and he wasn’t gonna let Jack ever forget about his mother, but it felt nice. The idea of Jack being his. Cas didn’t say anything either.

Jack fell the first time he tried walking without holding onto anything. He took two steps towards Dean and then fell straight on his face and started crying. Something about it felt familiar to Dean but he didn’t have time to think about it. He needed to comfort his son.

Cas read to him every night. Books he picked up from the closest library every Thursday. Sometimes he took Jack with him, those times he walked to the children’s section and let Jack point out which books to check out. The times Dean went with them he mostly stood in the background, holding onto the stroller as he watched them. The two loves of his life together. Sometimes the sight of them made him breathless.

Jack just turned four. They moved to a house not long ago because Sam and Eileen had started a headquarters in the bunker. They had no business raising a kid there. Chuck was gone. There’s still monsters out there, but life isn’t black and white anymore. There was no need to hunt all of them. And for the ones that needed to be hunted there were others that could do it. Dean wasn’t needed there anymore.

They had a party for him. Sam and Eileen came. Jody, Donna, Claire, Kaia, Alex, Patience. They all showed up. Some of the neighbours came as well. Jack wore his favourite outfit. A knee-length purple dress with white leggings underneath. There was a flower pattern on it and a bow at the collar. He wears it whenever he’s allowed to.

They were in their backyard. There were bunting flags and banners and balloons. It was a wild age Jack was in. And living in a normal suburb with an unpredictable nephil was hard. They’re running out of excuses for all the slip-ups he’s made.

But right now he was happy. He was laughing loudly around family and friends. There were traces of cake around his mouth that Cas was trying to wipe off. In an hour he was gonna be passed out on the couch from exhaustion and Dean will be left to clean up the yard. But he was happy, and that’s all that matters.

Sam walked up to him, leaning against the house. He was smiling and Dean smiled back.

“The kid is doing good but how’s the mother doing?” he asked teasingly.

Dean laughed. He looked over at Jack. He was finally letting Cas clean him up. There was wrapping paper scattered all over the lawn and toys that’s gonna be hard to take away from him later. Claire walked up behind Jack and put a tiara on his head. Dean took a sip of his juice.

“I’m good, Sam,” he replied, “I’m really good.”

So yeah, maybe their lives weren’t normal, maybe living around humans when the majority of your family is not was a bad idea, maybe this isn’t how he pictured it to go. But also, maybe, normal is overrated.

@transnaturalweek

#transnaturalweek #spn #supernatural #spn fic #destiel #destiel fic #deancas #momma dean #baby!jack #rambleoncas #dean winchester #jack kline #jack and his parents #mywriting #creations #scottstiles #i haven’t watched the last two seasons yet so sorry if there’s inaccuracies #honeybee verse

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witches-and-cows · 3 years

Note

Hi! I was wondering if you could please write an X reader for either Sam or Dean Winchester (whoever you want to write for is fine, I don’t have a preference) where the reader comes out to him as panromantic asexual and wants to see if that is okay with him. Thank you 😊

y’all’s minds are just, WOW.

like i’m going through requests and y’all are so cool

anyway I decided on dean cuz it’d be interesting, since he’s, like, dependent on sex or whatever but....yes let’s go

also, i’m gonna do like a headcannon ting?

also also.....gender-neutral reader

______________________

So, Dean Winchester is a dude is always up for sex

Like, the man loves it

A lot

And that makes you nervous to tell him what’s been on your mind

See, you’d been wrestling with your sexuality/ romance preference for a while

And this recent hunt (A siren case, and even the siren knew that you weren’t really into the sex stuff) confirmed it

The first person you told was Cas

He was very supportive of you

“I also lack sexual attraction, [Name].”

“Shit, really?”

“Yes.”

One person off the list

You accidentally spilled to Jack while baking with him

“What does that mean?”

You explain it to him and he smiles

“I’m glad you chose to share this confidential information with me.”

You teared up (just a little)

(Okay a lot)

Sam walked in on you sobbing your eyes out on the kitchen floor

“Are you okay?”

You sniffle and decide to tell him then, too

“Ah....thank you for telling me. I’m honored.”

You cry more

And he tells you he’s been thinking, too

Sam comes out as pansexual on the kitchen floor

You smile and embrace him

Now you only had your boyfriend to tell

Sam offers to take Jack and Cas out on a ”hunt” to give you privacy

Definitely not to get Cas semi alone so he could ask him if he wanted to go out

No sir

Anywho

You sit next to Dean and set the pie you made earlier on the table

He looks up at you quizzically, his brow furrowed

“Is someone dead?”

“No...?”

“Then why do you look so nervous?”

You swallow the nerves

And sit next to him, taking his large hands in yours

“Dean...I’ve been needing to talk to you...”

Now, Dean is confused and kinda scared

He thinks you’re gonna leave him

That you’ve found someone better

And he’s so scared

Cuz he loves you

“Dean.....I....I....I’m, uhm, I’m panromantic and asexual.”

He looks at you and sighs in relief

“I thought you were gonna leave me.”

And you hear the crack in his voice

But he quickly wipes his eyes and clears his throat

“So, panromantic means attraction to all, right? Like, gender plays no part?”

You nod, slightly surprised that he’s taking it so well

He kisses your knuckles

“And asexual means....”

You chew your lip, and say, “No, sex.”

“At all?”

“At all.”

You expect to hear him say it’s over

And that chokes you up

Dean sees this and quickly pulls you onto his lap

He reassures you that he couldn’t leave you

That he loves you so much more than pie

And that you’re completely valid

And if anyone tries to invalidate you, he’d shoot them dead

You cry more

Dean doesn’t like seeing you cry

So he kisses your knuckles

Your nose

Your cheeks

Your forehead

And finally your lips

And you feel loved

By your family

And by your Dean Winchester

__________________

ngl i choked up a bit

but I hope you liked it, and I hope you know that you are so valid, and so, so loved <3

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #supernatural x reader #supernatural fanfiction #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #x gender neutral reader #jack kline x reader #castiel x reader #misha collins x reader #sam winchester #sam winchester x reader #alex calvert x reader #gender-neutral reader

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mersuperwholocked-lowlife · 3 years

Text

Dreams

Word Count:1,565

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Crowley (mentioned), Reader

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Platonic!Reader

Warnings: angst, a cliffhanger

A/N: okay so i’ve just had a really really bad case of writer’s block and im gonna try my hardest to get through this? Hope this doesn’t flop lol, enjoy!

A/N 2: I’m going to’ start using they/them pronouns in my writing to keep them gender neutral

Masterlist

You laid awake in your bed, listening to the sounds of the ticking clock. It was only 3 and you couldn't see yourself going to bed anytime soon. You buried yourself in your blankets, trying to close your eyes and get some sleep, but you couldn't.

Every time you closed your eyes, flashes of hell would fill your head. It was only manageable when you’re awake.

“(Y/N)?” your back was facing the door, as you laid still, hearing Dean’s voice.

He always came to check if you were asleep.

“I know you’re awake,” he said softly.

You continued to ignore him, lying still on your bed.

“If you want to talk, I’m right here, kiddo,” he said.

Your eyes watered slightly, as the light faded from your room, Dean closing your door.

You let out a shaky breath before sniffling, burying your face in your pillows.

---

You rubbed your head, looking down at a book in your hands, attempting to do some research for Sam and Dean.

Your new job was staying at the bunker, leaving the hunts to them, while you stayed back and did research. Dean came up with the idea, as a plan to keep you safe. You hated the idea, the thought of being all alone with your thoughts for days on end, but not that you’d ever complain or say something. There was no reason to make a fuss.

You heard your phone ring, snapping you from your thoughts.

“Hey, Dean,” you said.

“Hey, kid. We’re about done here, but Jody said there’s a vamp case near us. We’ll be back a little later, is that okay?” he asked.

You nodded softly, your eyes watering before opening your mouth.

“Yeah, that's fine. I’ll see you in a bit,” your head shot up, hearing a loud bang.

“I’ll talk to you later, kiddo,” he hung up the call while you reached for your gun, your heart racing.

Your hands were shaking slightly as you gripped your gun, arising from the chair as you made your way into the bunker.

You walked past your room, seeing the lights flipped on, slightly surprised.

You pushed your door open, staying alert.

You found yourself standing in front of you, bloodied and beaten, barely clinging onto consciousness, tied to a chair.

Your eyes immediately watered as you stumbled backward, hearing yourself crying out for help.

You shut your eyes tightly, covering your ears as you whimpered softly, taking big breaths.

But there was no one there. You opened your eyes once more, everything back as it was before.

You held back a sob as you ran your fingers through your hair, trying to calm yourself.

---

You “woke” up early the next morning, heading straight to the basement for some training. You knew you needed to get back out there, no matter what.

You aimed your gun at the wall, barely hitting the man.

It was still a miss to you. Your aim had only gotten worse than before. You continued to fire shots, realizing your gun was empty as you threw it aside, making your way to the gym.

You held a weight, hearing something behind you as you froze.

Without a thought, you three the dumbbell, seeing it just miss Sam’s head as you gasped.

He ducked down in time, giving you a worried look.

“I-I’m so sorry,” you gasped.

“It's fine, you missed anyway,” he replied.

“I-I thought you guys were going on another hunt?” you asked.

“Uhm, no? What made you think that?” you frowned slightly, picking up your phone.

“Dean called me and told me yesterday…” you looked through your call history, before frowning. Dean’s name wasn’t there.

“When was the last time you slept?” Sam asked cautiously.

“No, sorry, I just got confused. I’m sorry,” you walked past him, while you ignored his calls for you.

You made your way to your room, before bumping into Sam.

“What’s wrong?” Dean frowned.

“Nothing, I just have a headache,” you replied.

You walked to your room, closing the door behind you.

---

“So, you didn't call them and say that Jody found a vamp hunt near us?” Sam questioned.

“No, I didn’t. That’s… are they okay?” Dean glanced to your closed room door before looking back at Sam.

“I don’t know. They almost threw a dumbbell at my head today, I think they thought I was someone or something else,” Sam replied.

“I wish there was something we could do,” Sam sighed.

“We can’t do anything till (Y/N)'s ready to talk to us,” Dean said.

The two of them stayed quiet for a moment, before retreating back to rooms of their own.

---

You ran to Dean’s room, hearing him yelling inside as you pulled on the doorknob, trying to get it to open.

“(Y/N)!” you could hear him yelling for you.

You heard a loud gunshot as you screamed out, tackling the door as hard as you could, opening it.

“Dean?!” you screamed.

You ran to his side, seeing blood escaping from his chest as you put pressure on it.

“D-Dean,” you cried.

He didn't say anything, his body going limp as you screamed out in pain.

---

Your head shot up, as your breathing was labored. You looked across the room, a soft cry escaping your lips as Dean knocked at your door, walking in.

“You’re up… what’s wrong?” he asked.

You shook your head.

“Nothing, sorry. I just had a bad dream,” you sniffled.

“(Y/N),” Dean started.

“Goodnight, Dean,” you laid in your bed once more, your tears trailing down your face.

---

“We’re a bit… We need your help, kid. Will you come to us? Just outside of Kansas,” Dean said.

“I thought… is everything okay?” you asked.

“Well, maybe. There are more wolves here than we expected. I’ll text you the address,” he said.

“I-I’ll be there,” you nodded, hanging up the phone.

You can do this, (Y/N) you told yourself.

You received a text from Dean, making your way to the car.

---

Dean stroked your hand cautiously, sitting by your bedside while he looked down at you, looking specifically at your bruises.

The doctors said you’d be okay, that the crash could have been worse.

He felt you squeeze his hand, shooting his head up as he looked at you.

“Dean?” you asked softly.

“That's right, I’m right here, kiddo,” he replied, standing up as he stroked your cheek.

“What happened?” you whimpered, feeling your ribs aching as you pushed yourself up.

“Y-You got in an accident. What were y-you doing on the road this time of night?” he asked.

“You called me? You said you needed help on the werewolf hunt,” you said.

“I never called you, (Y/N). We were trying to track down Crowley through some demons. We weren't on a werewolf hunt,” Dean looked more worried, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh,” was all you replied as you looked down.

Dean closed your room door, sitting on the edge of your bed as he crossed his arms.

“Talk to me. And don't tell me you're fine, I know you’re not,” your eyes watered slightly as you looked down at your hands.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” your voice was barely above a whisper.

“I don't want you to say anything, I want the truth,” he said.

“I-I’ve been having nightmares and j-just seeing all this stuff,” you stopped as more and more pain filled your heart.

“You’re having hallucinations?” he asked.

You nodded your head softly, feeling slightly ashamed as you picked at your nails.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Dean asked.

“I didn't want to worry you,” you muttered.

“I’m never gonna not be worried about you. I just want you to talk to me so I can help you,” he lifted your chin up, stroking your cheek softly as another tear escaped your eyes.

“I don’t know what you can do to help me,” you shook your head.

“I have to try,” he replied.

You stayed quiet for a moment before a sob caused your body to shake.

“It was terrible,” your voice broke.

“I-I don’t… It…” you began to stutter, unable to think of words as you started breathing quicker.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just take a breath, I’m right here,” he wrapped his arms around you while you leaned into his chest, trying to control your breathing as he stroked your back.

“I’m right here.”

---

Dean paced around your room nervously, looking at your beaten body. You were covered from head to toe in bruises and cuts. There were rope burns on your wrists and ankles. You were only getting worse by the looks of it.

“Dean,” Sam walked into the room.

“(Y/N)'s been in a coma for a month, Sam. They don't look like they’re getting any better,” Dean said.

“We still saved them. C-Crowley was one more cut away from killing them,” Sam replied softly.

“I’m gonna hunt that son of a bitch down and make him pay,” Dean was beyond furious, looking at your body.

The two men sat quietly for a moment, before Sam spoke up.

“W-What do you think they’re dreaming about?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know, but it can’t be good. Come on, kiddo. Just wake up. Please wake up,” Dean begged as he stroked your hand softly.

“Please wake up, (Y/N/N). I need you.”

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