#anyways have this post I’m done typin it

[lynxitid]

May 29, 2022 - Written 12:36 AM

~ This post will not be usin’ plural acknowledgments, as it is just I (lynx) typin’.

~  So fuckin' tired of my family only ever seein' me as a hypochondriac. Like yeah, I can admit, I occasionally have hypochondriac tendencies; but that's only due to my schizophrenia. 90% of the time it's genuine problems/concerns.

~ They've seen me as a hypochondriac since I was a kid. Bein' 11 with chronic pain, bein' told I'm fine or that it's "just growin' pains" or anxiety. Fuck you. Guess who recently was finally able to get diagnosed with fibromyalgia? ME. It wasn't just growin' pains. I'm only 4'10 FT. I've always been a slow grower. Plus I've been done growin' since 2017, when I was like 12-13 or so. (I'm not good at math) So wtf. ON TOP OF THAT, I might have a connective tissue disorder, or some type of hypermobility disorder.

~ No matter what I talk 'bout, even the slightest problem, even extreme problems; I'm just a fuckin' hypochondriac to everyone. Like fuck off, please.  Y'know how hard it's been to already get diagnosed with what I've been diagnosed with? Both mental & physical? It's even harder to try to get a diagnostic or figure out if I have EDS, ME/CFS, Endometriosis, & POTS. If I do have EDS, which yes I'm seein' a doctor for, that could explain ALL those comorbidities. They're all VERY common with EDS. But noooo, if I even suggest the fact that I think this could be what it is, I get shut down. I bring up my symptoms, shit that I deal with DAILY, ALL DAY, for literal YEARS; & they don't fuckin' care. Like yeah, they'll take me to my appointments. But that's it. Do they care to listen 'bout my concerns/problems? No. Do they provide comfort? No. Do they give me actual beneficial constructive criticism? No. They don't do that shit.

~ HELL, at one point in time I was havin' such severe kidney pain/problems, that I would get nauseous, double over in pain, & feel like faintin'. Y'know what happened? I had to wait a MONTH, A FUCKIN' MONTH, to actually be listened to by my parents; especially by my dad, since he's so fuckin' shit at understandin' or sympathizin' with anyone over mental or physical health. (that's a whole other long ass rant) It took a month of complainin' & pain, to the point where I was hurdled in fetal position, on my dogs bed, holdin' my kidney area; to actually convince him to take me to the ER. Well guess what? Turns out it was a UTI that turned into a DOUBLE kidney infection. For a month I was dealin' with an untreated double kidney infection. A FUCKIN' MONTH. WTF.

~ I had another CT scan yesterday, this time with contrast. (I've had a swollen persistent lymph node since october 2021) What does my dad do the whole ride there? Complain bout how long my appointments take. Bro. I've had a lot of appointments lately, & all he does is complain. You hate waitin' durin' these appointments? Imagine how I feel livin' with this shit, & not gettin' any fuckin' answers. Hell, I even got my first ||pelvic exam|| this week, which is a traumatic thing for me, due to past trauma. Did he care to sympathize at all on the way to the appointment or after? Nope. I wasn't surprised in the slightest.

~ Anyways, I was checkin' my health app, just waitin' for my newest CT results (they said it'll take 1-3 days), & was goin' through my old results; just makin' sure all is well. I was readin' the results from my last CT scan in April (with no contrast, so it didn't actually check the lymph node), & thankfully my rib bones aren't slipped or hurt. I did however see a section that said my Lower spine (in multiple areas), has some Schmorl's nodes. I wasn't informed of that over the phone, so I checked what it was real quick & supposedly it can be a herniated or misplacement of the spine? Idk entirely. Google isn't always great, so I take it with a grain of salt. But anyways, as someone with chronic back pain, it's nice to know what could be partially causin' it. Well, I talked to my mom & dad 'bout it, since they also didn't know; my mom acted decent I supposed (she handles some of this stuff better than him), but my dad was just makin' me out to be a hypochondriac. Just for askin' him if he knew what it was, since he also has back problems.

~ I swear, I hate this family so much. I hate this family, I hate my shitty ass health, I hate those who have ingrained internalized ableism in me, I hate the bs medical field that doesn't listen to AFAB individuals. I hate it. I have so much internalized ableism for myself. It fuckin' sucks. I hate lookin' in the mirror everyday, & tellin' myself "I'm not disabled enough" or "what if I'm fakin' this" "what if I just want attention". It's so fuckin' exhaustin'. I'm tired of it. I can't even get a wheelchair yet since 1: I can't work & get money for one 2: I Live in a small upstairs apartment, & our shed is weird 3: the amount of internalized ableism I have 4: the shitty ass remarks I'll get from strangers, but even from family. My dad has made remarks 'bout my mobility aids before. (I have a cane & rollator-walker) He's diagnosed with NPD, & over these past few years it's gotten worse. Not shamin' other with NPD, since havin' personality/mood disorders is a pain (talkin' from personal experience), I'm just shamin' my dad; he's such an ass.

~ I'm just tired of havin' all these pent up negative emotions, all this internalized ableism, all these problems. My life has been hell since I was young, but these past few years have been especially hard. I just turned 18 & I've already faced a shit ton of challenges. I'm exhausted y'all. Both in a mental sense, & a physical sense.

~ Believe me, I could make this rant WAY longer, but at this point I'm too exhausted to get anymore out. I'm just so upset & angry right now. Also, apologies if the cursin' is viewed as excessive. It's how I tend to let my anger out. Also, me sayin' "fuck you" or "fuck off" is to /nbh . It's to people offline. Just to clarify! I hope y'all are well.

#lynxitid

[discoblocks]

Currently listening to Ranboo talk on his alt about how much lore he had planned and how it all just hasn’t worked out or hasn’t had a chance to come to light yet and it’s just!! So frustrating!!!! Like I think it’s clear that it’s not only frustrating for us the fans, it’s also frustrating for him bc he’d worked so hard on all this story and it hasn’t played out the way he wanted.

The thing is, it’s also particularly frustrating because the reason lore isn’t progressing isn’t really anything to get angry at, the way you might get mad at say a network for canceling your favourite show. Because why hasn’t lore been progressing? Because all the streamers are working on other projects rn, and are generally a bit too busy to do it at the same pace they used to. Or alternatively, they are having personal struggles that obviously take priority over Minecraft roleplay. And it’s good! It’s good that they’re doing these things, working on their own things and taking care of themselves, and I personally would like them to continue doing that. But the fact that it’s only good reasons actually makes it harder bc now not only is it frustrating to have an unfinished story with no clear idea when or if it will resolve, but also there’s not even anyone or anything to be frustrated with.

Like, say the reason lore wasn’t progressing was because twitch had some random ToS rule that was stopping them. Easy, we are frustrated with Twitch, but solutions can be found. Or maybe, say lore wasn’t happening because the server had such bad technical issues that they had to pause everything to fix it for a while, idk. In that scenario, it’s easy to direct the frustration at Minecraft the game or at the technical issues because that is a problem to be solved. But what’s actually happening is, the reason that lore isn’t progressing isn’t a problem to be solved, it’s a good thing. There isn’t any “solutions” to no lore, because there is no problem to be solved. The creators are happy because they are pursuing their passions, or they are working on taking care of themselves. Those are both good things, not things to be solved, which means there’s nowhere to direct all this frustration.

And trust me, it makes perfect sense that everyone is frustrated at no lore. Narratively, there is a LOT of suspense and tension and promises of narrative payouts that any audience would expect, and to have all of that just sort of left hanging with no clear answer on how any of it is going to resolve or tie together is FRUSTRATING for anyone watching. Especially because we don’t even know when any particular plot line is going to get new content. If this were a tv show or movie or book, there are set release dates announced well in advance. This? This is a completely new form of media where release dates are extremely rare and not necessarily reliable anyways. We have no idea if something is planned to happen soon because it’s entirely dependent on when the creators have time for it. So with multiple narrative threads left in the air and no way of knowing if they will ever be continued, and thousands of people watching, it makes sense that people are frustrated. It just also particularly sucks because there’s nothing to direct that frustration at, therefore only adding on to the frustration.

And let me add, if you are actually legit mad at the creators rn for not doing lore then this is not your post, all of the reasons they have given are perfectly valid, and it’s not our place to demand they roleplay for our entertainment. But I do understand that it’s super frustrating to become super involved in all these storylines, only to have them become seemingly abandoned, and not have a good direction to express that frustration. It just…. It all sucks, I’m very happy that the creators are doing what they want or that they’re taking care of other priorities right now, and I would absolutely not want to pull them away from that for Minecraft roleplay, but it sucks that the storylines are still so completely up in the air and we have no way of knowing what’ll happen. I think it would be nice if lore became more regular or frequent, but I would never ask for the creators to prioritize it over what they need/want to do, because that’s FAR from my place or anyone’s place. It’s all……..idk, it’s frustrating, it’s just all frustrating.

#long post #dream smp #dream smp lore #not sure if that’s an appropriate tag but I think it’s worth putting it there #dream smp lore drought #man I really miss lore #I wasn’t even around for when lore was like super frequent either and I still miss lore #it’s such a tough situation bc you don’t wanna pressure the creators to do it but also you desperately wanna know how the story goes #this is also mostly inspired by a post I saw that was acting like everyone was being weirdchamp for being such lore hounds #and I just couldn’t let that idea work it’s way into my RSD #because it MAKES SENSE to be so frustrated right now even if you’re very happy for the CC’s #anyways have this post I’m done typin it

[voidwizerd-archive]

WIZ: Talk awkwardly??

[[ some convos with @valorousimperial leading up to Date Night With Val, wherein wiz is awkward, anxious, and extremely flustered in turns ]]

voidwizerd okay so.... sorta a troll protocol question here i guess??? um

valorousimperial Sure?

voidwizerd is it okay fr me to give you somethin? unsure if th quadrant week timin makes that, uh, not okay

valorousimperial How about the night after tomorrow?

voidwizerd is that when its over??

valorousimperial Uhm. It's a Pitch night.

voidwizerd oh

voidwizerd is.... is that okay? are we okay for that??? im sorry im so questionin i jus. never know where things sit w us or where th lines are at shrugs??

valorousimperial It's fine! I'm going to get you something, too!

voidwizerd oh oh!!! well shit!!!!! i might add somethin extra bc lookin at th logs i made this a while ago but somehow forgot to get it too you??? omg

valorousimperial Material gifts aren't normal on quads nights, but I'd feel just terrible if I didn't give you something in return.

voidwizerd wait then what r normal ones?? im so lost on this whole holiday rip,,

valorousimperial They're for togetherness!

voidwizerd so jus..... bein round each other ?

voidwizerd that almost sounds like a date holidate

valorousimperial Yes! I spent the first night wit Delphine, loving on her and just Petting my egg

valorousimperial And the second with Iron, playing with Karsis and kissing on my robot man And the third with Tyfora, and we did skin treatments. Sugar scrub for her, pumice for me. Tonight I'll be with Gamzee! Dinner and piling is on the agenda, it seems.

voidwizerd man thats all jus real sweet also kinda funny fr me quad, quad, quad, quad, n..... *wiggly hand gesture*

valorousimperial Right. I had been thinking about it all last week.

voidwizerd ....did my joke attempt jus flop into somethin serious again

valorousimperial No!

voidwizerd ówò;;;

valorousimperial I was lauging about it Laughing

voidwizerd lauging

valorousimperial About if I spent a quad night with you it would be like saying that we were confirmed.

voidwizerd ....fuck dude im sorry but i cant take that word seriously

memes have ruined me

valorousimperial Pfft.

voidwizerd though i guess like.... th quad night thing could make it weird?? i dunno :y you could jus not say anythin bout it if you wanted to keep it simpler, i wouldnt rly mind > Okay, that's a lie. You promised you wouldn't lie. .....okay so i would mind a little but eh, feelins are sensitive > Nailed it.

valorousimperial I mean I Don't know what to say to that...

voidwizerd i mean like. not exactly pretendin it aint happenin so much as like.... jus not makin th little announcement post?

voidwizerd if #confirmed assumptions/suspicions are somethin you dont feel comfortable dealin with i wouldnt wanna put you in a position you dont like

valorousimperial I Of course I'd announce it I'm not ashamed of you.

voidwizerd i oh ....i didnt even realize i was thinkin that shit, im sorry

valorousimperial No, it's alright

valorousimperial Whether you were or weren't.

voidwizerd it is ?

valorousimperial Is it?

voidwizerd :x

voidwizerd if were respondin to questions w questions then im already bewildered >_>;;;

[[ annnnnnnnd there was radio silence until val posted this, and wiz posted that ]]

valorousimperial I, um. I know we mentioned this and got a little lost Are you home?

valorousimperial *Are* we going on a date? I can delete it if not.

voidwizerd no! i mean yes!! i mean! babssndjsksmsbdks it wasnt on my mind at th moment so i saw th thing n my whole brain is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaa

voidwizerd huffs okay so. in order

voidwizerd yea im home yea date is a happen no, dont delete it its. i do like seein it

valorousimperial Excellent. Breakfast, and go from there?

voidwizerd y yea!!

voidwizerd yea sure we can do that that sounds great i mean obviously why wouldnt it no dont answer that thats me bein rhetorical why was i even bein rhetorical bout that thats pointless anyway so breakfast! sounds good!

valorousimperial Do you know where the little dining room is?

voidwizerd oh yea i mapped out p much th whole place n saved like six copies on my phone n in some assorted notebooks ahem yes

valorousimperial Are you nervous?

voidwizerd n what would possibly for any reason give you that kind of impression??????????

voidwizerd im doin super duper top notch absolutely fine up in here

valorousimperial You seem like you're nervous! That's cute!

voidwizerd dhdhsssdnsnsnssjsjsjsnzhzbxbd

valorousimperial Going to kiss!

voidwizerd BAJAHEJSKSMSMICJFKGKFODLSKD

valorousimperial I am more and more of a giggly bitch every time you keysmash.

voidwizerd Well now, would you just look at all this perfect grammar up in here.

valorousimperial So cute.

voidwizerd thats all i got typin proper feels weIRGD FFFJK

valorousimperial You did really well!!

voidwizerd dont patronize me u dink menace

voidwizerd rood scoob

voidwizerd rood scoob..... smh.... i coulda done better.....

valorousimperial I love you. I'm almost to the dining room. What do you think is for breakfast? (This is rhetorical, I know what is for breakfast)

voidwizerd oh shit!!1! is it actually breakfast time?????

valorousimperial Let's see, Super early in the evening, I'm wearing a robe and slippers, I haven't eaten since I woke up... Yes, I think so!

voidwizerd FUCK i didnt notice time did th time thingie i gotta put on pants n a shirt

valorousimperial Mmmmmaybe just pants and a robe? And slippers? We'll match.

voidwizerd sjhdhddmanndksj

voidwizerd is it rly matchin if only one of us actually fits in their robe

valorousimperial It's basically the same robe, so it matches.

voidwizerd jdbddbj

valorousimperial It looks better on you, it's okay.

voidwizerd inACCUR A ETE????

valorousimperial Your claim of inaccuracy is false!

voidwizerd NO?????,,?? GGHGHVB

valorousimperial We'll take a poll when you make it to the dining room.

voidwizerd unfair,,

[[ super unfair ;) ]]

#[[ babbling flustered wiz is my favorite ]] #ooc.txt #logs #valorousimperial #pda //