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#anyways i love writing girls and i love women being friends its just so delectable
midnightbluefox · 5 years
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The Reylo Writing Den ( @thereylowritingden ) recently celebrated its one year anniversary, and part of our celebration included a fic exchange! The theme this time was what makes Reylo special to you and what you’ve come to love in the fics that you’ve read or written. Favorite tropes or one you’ve wanted to see done, an idea you’ve been wanting to read, a twist on the first Reylo fic you fell in love with, etc. 
Because of the theme, we got a huge variety of fics written submitted by over forty extremely talented writers. Please enjoy and support our lovely and giving authors <3
+ fic is mature/explicit
* fic is a WIP/ currently incomplete
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+ Night Music by @thelastmorozova for @3todream3 :  Kylo getting it on with Rey while still wearing his gloves and helmet.
+* This Game We Play by @midnightbluefox for @sand-its-everywhere : Rey’s always thought her roommate was attractive, but when she catches him with only a towel on, a contest slowly ensues to see who can drive the other more insane as time goes on.
Or, where Rey and Ben are both idiots in denial and refuse to give in.
+* Red Letter by @ohwise1ne for crossingwinter : His old name—the one no one calls him anymore, no one even knows—stretches in bold lettering across the front of the envelope.
There is no record of that person living in this apartment building. Ben has made sure of it.
They’ve found him anyway.
When Ben is summoned to be bonded with a compatible Alpha mate, everything he’s worked for comes crashing down—especially when she turns out to be the rising protégé of his enemy.
+* When Little Somethings Overturn Everything by CaffeinatedJediRey for @rrwilson66 : Rey's got it all: fantastic friends, a great mother, and a promising tenure-track job as a history professor. Yet, on the eve of her 31st birthday, Rey finds herself wondering where her life's headed while she's eating by herself after a conference presentation.
Ben Solo, a rival professor from her department, joins her for dinner after seeing her dining alone. He turns out to be more than she expects.
Let's just say things will not go the way Rey thinks they will.
+* Clear Skies by @eveningeyes for CaffeinatedJediRey : A handsome smuggler is found sneaking through Starkiller Base, and to Kira Ren's dismay, Snoke hires the guy to take her to find Leia Organa's secret Resistance base.
OR
INTERGALACTIC ROAD TRIP 2019]
+ A Five Percent Chance by @sand-its-everywhere for @hellomelusine :  Ben is alone, and he likes it that way. He keeps to himself, and doesn't really want or need a relationship, but that doesn't stop his mother from trying to set him up with random people... until one day she sets him up with his childhood best friend... and both of them make it their mission for this to be the worst date ever... after all, they've got one hundred dollars promised to them by Leia if it is.
Blushing PINK by @tazwren for @kylotrashforever : Ben Solo is struck by a beautiful girl, for the first time in his life, but has no clue how to talk to her. Enter a friend who gives him highly questionable advice.
Or - how Ben Solo bought bags of lingerie for a non-existent girlfriend!
+ Fucking PINK by @tazwren for @kylotrashforever: Ben and Rey and all those bags of lingerie he bought.
Or - how Ben Solo is a virgin no more.
+* Delicate Matters by @kylotrashforever for @erney007 : His senses trickle back in, and he realizes something is covering his face. Reaching, he snatches the gauzy material that he recognizes is lace of some sort, holding it out in front of him and squinting his eyes.
What the fuck?
He knows without a doubt, with one hundred percent certainty, that he did not have a woman here last night.
So why the fuck is there a pair of women’s underwear on his face?
In which something falls into Ben’s lap (or more accurately his face) that he didn’t expect.
+* is this a sacrifice?  by @deadlikemoi for @kylosgirl9593 : "What are you giving up for Lent?" The question is posed to Rey by a friend of Rose's, a girl who goes by KK, and Rey has to search her mind for an answer.
That is the problem with going to a University that is religiously affiliated; most people assume that you follow that same tenet without bothering to ask, and it has gotten her into trouble more than a few times.
"Rey's not—" Finn tries to save her, it is a valiant effort, but the filter between her mouth and her brain is undergoing routine maintenance and a few words squeak through before she can stop herself.
"Sex. I'm giving up sex for Lent."
+ Bobbing Along by @polkadotdotdotreylo for @sweetkyloren : Ever since an incident as a child, Rey has had a fear of the water.
When your boyfriend owns a pool, who better to teach you how to swim?
+ A Poetic Match by @commandercrouton for @polkadotdotdotreylo : It didn’t matter who was here at the moment. The only thing Rey could focus on was that scent. Her wide hazel eyes circled the room as she tried to see the one who was emitting those delectable pheromones. How was no one else in this room reacting? The smell was making her crazy, and she dug her nails into her skin. She would know this scent anywhere.
She found him frozen by the podium, staring at her with the same look she knew she was giving him. She felt her thighs clench in anticipation as memories of their last, and only, time together filled her brain.
“Rey, is everything okay? Your scent...shifted,” Poe inquired tentatively.
“What?” she asked, not willing to take her eyes off the man in front of the room.
“Why is Professor Solo staring at you like you killed his pet cat?”
At this statement, Rey looked at Poe, realization dawning on her. No, not this, anything but this. This wasn’t a professor. He was something entirely different to her.
Alpha.
+* By The Moonlight by @my-jedi-life for @eveningeyes : Kylo Ren is being hailed as the "next Stan Lee" in the world of graphic novelists... but he holds a secret. His books are really about his life.
Rey Kenobi is an up and coming journalist who lands the interview of a lifetime with Kylo Ren.
* Black Ties & White Lies by @happilyeveraftereveryday for @looc-at-me : The plan was simple. Sneak in, kick Paige's ex-boyfriend's ass, then sneak out. But Rey did not plan on arguing with an unfairly hot but unsurprisingly elitist Greek god of a man while looking for said ex-boyfriend, especially when he took offense to her refusing to dance with him for some reason.
And she definitely didn't plan on kissing him.
Or how a masquerade party leads to unexpected actions, feelings, and consequences, along with Ben Solo's Cinderella dashing away without even leaving him a shoe behind. Nevertheless, he's determined to find her.
+* Your Eyes (Are Holding Up the Sky) by @em-is-writing for DagaGada :  Ben Solo life is falling apart (as much as one high school senior's life can) - he's failing Pre-Calculus, has been put on academic probation, and can't play on the basketball team until he pulls his grades up. When he's assigned a tutor, he thinks this will be an unmitigated disaster. Life has other plans.
+ But Not To Me by @littlethingsfic for ArdeaJestin : “…Ben?”
He memorizes every detail of her face — flushed cheeks, creased brows, dark eyelashes, wisps of loose hair — framed by the eerie quiet of their destruction. His body is restless like it might burst at the seams, thrilled and dazed by her, by their conquest, by their…
He searches for the words to say but everything sounds wrong. He charges in and decides not to say anything at all,
“Rey, I don’t care about the kriffing fleet —”
He grabs her and kisses her hard.
+ Cheers to Phasma’s Flaming Vibrator by @3todream3 for @rakefiree :  An unfortunate office fire has caused renovations, and the ever punctual Ben Solo has to share an office with Rey Johnson with whom he has a history. He just wish he could remember what he did to piss her off. She apparently doesn't like him much and annoys him with Candy Crush and other little things, not letting him get any work done. Being cooped up in the small office is going to be the death of Ben. What on earth could happen when tempers flare and hormones go crazy???
+* Seven Days with my Toes in the Sand by @erney007 for @em-is-writing :  Memory in his dream, emptiness in his hand, with his toes in the sand. Will she be the one who shows him how to love again?
Desert Magic by @roguesinside for @spiegatrixlestrange : He was hungry, always so hungry. He sweated through the sheets when he dreamed of the desert sun. Shivered under piles of blanket when the sand was lit only by the moons. He tried to magic up an apple, a glass of cool water but the lifeforce around him was so dim that the simple charm wasted away in the desert sand.
The dreams saved him.
+ Oh Captain, My Captain by @elleren31 for @littlethingsfic : In the midst of the Civil War, telegraph officer Captain Samuel Beckwith returns to Washington D.C. and is immediately taken by a beautiful young farmwoman. But love in a time of war can be difficult, especially when you work for the President of the United States.
Historical accuracy AND inaccuracies. Earns its rating later on.
+* Royal Blood by @sweetkyloren for @deadlikemoi : Rey has lived on the streets of Aldera for as long as she can remember but when an aide to Queen Leia takes Rey under her wing she finds herself living a life most can only dream about.
In the years that follow, Rey soon finds herself falling for her two best friends who also happen to be the two heirs to the throne: Ben and Kylo.
+ Ready For It? by @rrwilson66 for @elleren31 :   A tale as old as time, the story of a beast of a killer and a beautiful thief fighting to be together.
+* Unrequited by @rakefiree for @reyloandotherfandoms : Ben loves Rey. Rey loves Ben.
He thinks she loves someone else. She thinks he knows how she feels and doesn't reciprocate the feelings.
What happens when they are trapped in the same house for a weekend?
OR
Welcome to Ben and Rey Pain Train! We have a dog... and stuff.
+* Swipes and Seduction (a tinder AU) by @galaxytrueffle for @tazwren : “Ben.” Was still a faceless and detail-less individuum on tinder. Thus he needed to add his career, height and a little text- before rounding up his introduction with a photograph.
Ben. Corporate lawyer. 189 cm.
What else was there to say about him?
“Hi. I am Ben. 32 years old. I work as a tax lawyer for a well known automotive company. My wife died and now I am a single parent- I work all the time and have literally no hobbies beside working out, one weekly WoW session and spending time with my child on the weekends. Oh- and I haven’t had sex for ages. So if you are interested- match me?”
That is what he should have written- the reality.
But- this was the internet...he didn’t have to be so honest. Especially not in the beginning.
.....
IT’S A MATCH!
You and Rey<3 have liked each other.
+* Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost by @loveofescapism for @reyloner : “Okay, what if you do find them and they send you away?”
“They won’t.”
“How do you know that?” he asked, and for once he looked like he was genuinely curious to hear her answer. Which, if he wasn’t pissing her off so much, she would have answered much nicer than she did.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I’m their daughter?” she said sarcastically, “They had a good reason for giving me up, you’ll see.”
---
Rey is traveling the world to find her birth parents after her guardian Maz passes way. She was excited to rediscover herself and more importantly, where she came from. The only thing she wasn't excited about, was the fact that Ben Solo was tagging along for the journey, his pen and notebook in hand.  
+ A wonderous place for you and me by @kylosgirl9593 for @galaxytrueffle : It's Ben Solo's 30th birthday and his friends decide to throw him a little 'Party’ Rey however has a few *special* presents for Ben. ------------ Ben laid on the ground, hands up in surrender. Rey had one foot on his chest, pinning him down to the ground, he could easily take her down, but he had to accept his defeat.“You had to know this was coming. You just had to. You couldn’t run from me forever, Solo,” she said as she pointed the gun to his chest. She smiled in victory. “Game over.” She pulled the trigger and the green laser beamed through the barrel. The sound of Pac-Man dying filled the room.
+ Close Encounters by @deedreamer for @loveofescapism : It’s like Rey's own personal porn reel is playing against the inside of her lids. Her body is reacting without her permission.
She sucks in a breath and re-crosses her legs, suddenly feeling a tingling sensation at her center. Her nipples harden and strain against the fabric of her bra and the silky material of her shell is cool against her belly, making the sensation even more extreme.
Rey feels her chest and cheeks flush, and she wonders if she looks as hot and bothered as she feels. Because that would be really embarrassing. She’s a professional, for God’s sake.
+* Don’t You Forget About Me by @rebelrebelreylo for @my-jedi-life : He wrote the letter ten years ago, but it’s still burning a hole in his pocket.
Dear Mr. Skywalker, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.
But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…
And an athlete…
And a basket case…
A prince…
And a criminal.
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely — The Breakfast Club.
A Breakfast Club AU with not-quite-neat-parallels written for MyJediLife for the Reylo Writing Den Anniversary Exchange. (Yes — Rey is more Bender than anyone else.)
+* A Year of Me and You by crossingwinter for @kylolita : “After you move in with one another, give yourself six months to like one another again,” Maz says, looking at Rey seriously through her bottlecap glasses. 
“I’m not going to fall out of love with—”
“No, no. Not love. Love’s not got anything to do with it, child. Like.”
--
Non-linear vignettes of various length, set during the first year Rey and Ben live together.
Ben’s Body by @shewhospeakswiththunder for @thelastmorozova :  AU. Rey is an up and coming sculptor specialising in human shape and form. Her new next door neighbour has a body to die for and she's determined to preserve it in marble forever. Now she just has to convince dashing and reclusive Ben to model for her. 
Preferably naked.
+* Sounds of Passion by DagaGada for @rebelrebelreylo : The Sound of Music Modern AU. The two actors meet in the theater production. He's Von Trapp and she's Maria. He's a big star who got roped into it by his mother, who owns the theater. She's fresh out of Juilliard.
Will they go past their hate at first sight? What if the heated fight turns into something different but equally heated? Will they find passion for theatre and each other together?
* Grabbing Your Attention in Detention for @shewhospeakswiththunder by @ashtyntaytertot :  Ben is a troubled teen in high school and Rey doesn't like him because of that, but he likes her. A lot.
+ Let Me Put My Darkness In You by ArdeaJestin for @terestriel :  Hux catches his boss composing love poems, attempts to wreak havoc, and wonders why smartphones don't exist.
+* At the Stroke of Midnight by @bunilicious for @midnightbluefox : He knew.
The realization struck her like a bolt of lightning, and it was only the warmth of his hand on her elbow that kept her upright. How else could she explain the determination beneath his soulful gaze?
He was iron, wrapped in the finest velvet.
“Rey,” Ben spoke at last, his voice barely above a whisper.
Yes, she wanted to scream. I am the masked woman who waltzed with you underneath the moonlight. The one who ran away when the clock struck twelve. The one who lost her shoe at the foot of the stairs.
But he had to say it first. He had to.
“Rey.” He took a deep breath, eyes fixed upon her expectant face. “I need you to help me find her.”
Her dreams were made of glass. And in that moment they had shattered.
-------
A REYLO VICTORIAN / CINDERELLA AU
+* Ravenous by @aknightofwren for @bunilicious :  38 ABY. Nearly four decades since the Battle of Yavin. The greatest of all great wars has finally come to an end. The Resistance has been disbanded, allowing those seeking comfort and security among their ranks to finally pursue the lives they had always dreamt of. But something sinister is lurking in the lush greens of the Forest Moon of Endor, something that not even the Skywalker's could have seen coming.
+ Shape of you by @looc-at-me for @deedreamer :  Ben Solo has been babysitting a group of grumpy old men who are often referred to as immortal rock legends for nearly two years and he's at his wits end. Deciding to spend the last concert of The Vaders worldwide tour on the ground floor with the other fans instead of backstage, Ben manages to meet a brown-haired beauty and they instantly connect before a family secret resurfaces.
+* Refuse Me by @kylolita for @aknightofwren : It’s the most contact she’s received in years, since her Grandpa was still alive.
This Alpha’s touch is electric, completely unfamiliar but just what she needs. Her eyes automatically find his, they are molten brown, and everything in her wants to examine those eyes forever and-
What am I doing? some sensible part of her screams at herself. Whatever he bids, another part answers.
Rey’s plan to live her life to the fullest as an Alpha falls apart when a classmate discovers her secret.
* And There You Were by @reyloandotherfandoms for @happilyeveraftereveryday : The phone rings in the middle of the night, and it's some man Rey doesn't know, demanding to speak to someone whose name she does not recognize. Why she doesn't just hang up on him is beyond her.
But she doesn't.
+* Love Potions and Legalities by @hellomelusine for @ohwise1ne :  When Kylo Ren, best Law Enforcement Warlock on Leia Organa-Solo's team, is tasked with apprehending a girl, untrained, but blatantly brewing and selling illegal love potions, he's less than enthused, the task beneath his station. What he expects and what he gets are two wildly different things when he finally breezes into Rey's shop in the desert town of Niima, Jakku.
+* Kingdom for a Kiss by @reyloner for @commandercrouton : “His name day is only moonturn away — there’s to be a great feast in his honour. And, best of all, a tourney he’ll be sure to compete in. He’s a good jouster — I have faith in his victory.” She leans in, a sly smile working alighting her elegant features. “Winning make men bold. It warms the blood, inflates their egos. It makes my Husband insufferable and my son want to celebrate.”
 “Oh.” Rey frowns. “How can you be sure he’ll win?”
“I cannot.” Leia admits. “But I can hope.”
-
Lady Rey Kenobi, the last surviving member of a once great house, is to wed the future King of Naboo. 
Only, Prince Benjamin Amidala seems determined to avoid her at all costs - even in consummating the marriage.
+* No Deliverance by @orkindofamazing for @ashtyntaytertot : Kylo Ren had seen beauty, witnessed the splendor of creation and the power of destruction, was well acquainted with desire and longing. Yet none of it compared to the strength and beauty of the tempest he was witnessing here.
The only thing he understood with any degree of certainty was the fact that he inexplicably wanted to be closer. In a trance-like state, he advanced, and his feet seemed to move across the ground of their own volition.
-
Kylo Ren wasn't very good at being a demon, but then he hadn't been a very successful angel, either. However, when he is sent to tempt and bind an immortal named Rey, it's a challenge unlike anything he's faced before.
+ Art for You Octopi My Heart by @spiegatrixlestrange for @orkindofamazing :  An art gift for an amazing person.
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Every single one of these fics was so wonderful and we are so lucky to have such talented people in our discord server! A huge thanks to everyone who participated, we can’t wait to do the next one!
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retroandreal · 4 years
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Hanging by a Moment (Lucien Rivercrest x MC)
Hey guys, its ya girl with another ficcy fic. So while I was writing this one here, I unconsciously took a massive left-turn and this turned into a “His POV” type of situation. I’m not even mad because I loved when Lovestruck did those little extras for the characters. I was also jumping for joy when they brought them back for Havenfall is for Lovers. Tagging @official-alex-cyprin
AN: Four snippets of Lucien’s POV from when he first met MC to winning the bake off, the most iconic scenes that stuck out in my opinion. Especially that spat with Vallia. (lil biss). This is inspired by the song ‘Hanging by a Moment’ by Lifehouse and this called for major fluff feels. TBH, all my fics have had major fluff feels. Guess it’s time to change my Tumblr banner name…
Sweet Enchantments café; my second lifeline. I’ve basically be annexed from my family after I landed myself in this rehabilitation center. I don’t resent it; I love to bake since it was what my grandmother raised my brother and I with. Now, It seems like my brother doesn’t even know me as well. Once you’re charged with a federal offence, I guess not even your family will back you up. Grandma was really the only one that believed in me. I was meant to inherit the Rivercrest business, but I knew it wasn’t ever going to be for me. Grandma knew that baking was all I had and that’s exactly how it led me to be the pastry chef at Sweet Enchantments. The owner and coordinator, Liora, has been more than welcoming of my desires and use my magic for presentation. Every day done; I would make the daily sweets for the display case but save the dessert acrobatics for the crowds of women that formed my fan-base. They feed my confidence and my ego, I know I’m good at what I do but it’s all on a day-to-day basis, no sustenance or real joy but I know I have to make the most of this second chance.
“Lucien! Pay attention!” Runa snaps at me, she’s the head waitress here at the café. I respect her as a coworker and a friend; we’re all in the same boat here
“Yeah yeah, sorry. I need to prep anyway before we open” I stand up abruptly and the chair that I once occupied screeches across the tiled floor. Another day, another day closer to the end of my sentence and I promise you, grandma, I will make you proud.
The afternoon rush hits; and my pastry counter is the busiest in the café in exception to the main dining floor
“Hello ladies, ready for today’s spectacle?” Met with squealing cries of excitement, I begin my magic-filled performance. ‘Oooohs’ and ‘ahhhs’ overcome my senses as my ego is constantly being fed, this is fine. The temporary bliss of adoration is enough to get me through the day, never more but only just enough. That’s when I see her; lost, wide-eyed, in awe of her surroundings. Like a lost puppy looking for its owner, or maybe in hopes of finding something… or someone. She is probably a first-timer here. I turn my back to fetch one of my enchanted whisks and cast a spell to beat my egg-whites into soft peaks to form the perfect meringue.
I turn back, she’s there
Looking just as starstruck as she did before
Then meets my eyes as I finish the final touches on the tarts just assembled for the crowd in front of me.
The wind subtly shifts around me
“She’s different” I murmur under my breath
“I-I was looking for my scarf and I stumbled across this café! I’m sorry” she stammers, as if she’s in the wrong. I shake my head in disbelief, this girl is so naïve. I hold out the last of the batch of tarts.
“Try one” I offer her
She accepts gratefully and our hands briefly touch, with little jolts of energy travelling between us.
“She’s different”
~~~~~~~
“Lucien! Come join me!” as she pats the bed just beside her energetically. She’s always been one for stories; telling and reading them. Standing still in my place, I debate whether I should join her since, lately, I have been growing some sort of feelings for her. I cannot fathom what these feelings are yet. I wouldn’t say I love her or even have a crush on her, but I’ll say that I do care for her.
“Ok, I’ll take your invitation” I make myself comfortable next to her. God, I can still smell the buttery pastry scent on her from when we were preparing the tart base for tomorrow’s day.
She smells like home, not the home where my parents are.
But the home where grandma raised me.
Surrounded by the same scents.
She smells like home, and I feel the most at ease with her presence here.
The sound of her voice and narration just becomes white noise in my ears as all that I can concentrate on is the engulfing scent radiating off her clothes from today she still has on, refusing to change until we have finished our platonic pillow-talk. She’s constantly pulling me in with how much she eases my incomplete heart with just her being beside me. I have not felt this way in a long time. She’s filling a void within me that hasn’t even been filled by my daily ego boosts but yet she makes me feel like I can conquer the world with just a whisk, oven and a few ingredients.
I’m closer to where I started, I was desperate for changing, but now I’m chasing after you
She swats my shoulder closest to her
“Hey! Get your head out of the clouds! Are you even listening to me?”
I chuckle deeply at her childish whining
“Don’t laugh, Lucien! It’s not funny! How long was I even talking to myself” she complains as she makes a god-awful attempt at an angry, threatening face and burying her face into my pillow
Dammit, is this what I’ve been missing? Comfort? I find myself not missing the presence of grandma as much ever since she’s been appointed my pastry apprentice. She’s made baking for me an enjoyable experience again, not just some monotonous chore just to by myself time throughout my sentence. She’s learnt so much within the past few days, she reminds me from back when I used to learn how to bake with grandma and my brother in the kitchen when I was just a kid. I’ve learnt how to accept and share my love of baking with other people and not just put on a show for my own reputation, to share my love of baking with her.
She forgets all that I’m lacking, how I’m completely incomplete
I’m done living for the tedious days in and days out, I want to make her life as filling as mine has become with her in it. I feel a little bit self-conscious and guilty that her basically being held hostage in Sweet Enchantments is my fault; If I had not shamelessly tried to show off my magic in front of her on that very day I met her, she would probably be home safe and sound. Not stuck here, illegally, glamoured, and awaiting the official response from the government which is, frankly, taking a decade and a half.  
I have this need inside me to keep her happiness. Selfish as I am, I hope to wake up to that smile of hers for as many mornings as I can.
~~~~~
Vallia is relentless. Giving her a piece and half of her mind. But she’s not taking it herself.
My headstrong angel. The way Vallia is giving her a threat. Maybe it’s the way she’s looking at her, or maybe how long she’s been tormenting her. She doesn’t back down. Instead, she holds her own against the force of nature which is Vallia. She advances on Vallia, thrusting one of her perfectly delicate fingers towards her.
“I did NOT do anything to you, and I don’t deserve the way you have been treating me”
“Well, it’s not my fault that you are a screw up”
Oh my, Vallia. You couldn’t have said anything else as wrong as that to her. The bickering goes back and forth. I want to defend her. I really do. But I know I have to trust her that she can stand up for herself, because I have full faith in her self-defense as much as her ability to keep up with me; in the café as my apprentice as well as dealing with everything that has been dumped on her… because of me.
My mind is running and not quite sure where to go, so I continue to stand there. Proud of her, and her willingness to stand up for her own rights, self-worth and our relationship that was ungratefully exposed by Vallia herself.
“You’ve pushed and pushed me. I should CRUSH you”
I’m shellshocked by the hardness of her words, usually in the place of words of encouragement and love for me. But now, she’s furious. I try my hardest to hold back a small grin but fail when she catches the corners of my mouth twitching, unable to hold back the proud feeling I have toward this woman at this very moment.
I haven’t stepped in yet. I’m surprised I haven’t, But I trust her with my life. I’m letting go of all that I’ve held on to; my reputation, my image… for her. But I don’t care, I would give up a lifetime of fangirls and temporary loyalty just to make sure she’s the only one standing by my side at the end of the day. If the previous weeks haven’t proven anything to me, at this moment, I know that she is the one that I want; to support me throughout the rest of my sentence and the rest of my life.
I was living for the only thing I ever knew
But now, I want to live to make her happy
Right beside me
And I don’t intend on letting her get away
She’s taken all of me now, and I’m damn lucky to have her
Since that fateful day she literally stumbled into my life, till even now, I don’t know what I’m diving into. My little firecracker, she ignites a new light within my self to continue, to continue to grow. I want to grow and learn alongside her. Life has become so unpredictable with her in it, from the slight points of contact while we work in perfect harmony behind the pastry counter. To the secret rendezvous in the café storage room. While I run my hands through her hair and place soft, peppery kisses into the junctions of her neck where I know will ignite the most delectable of reactions from her. Those little moment where I can be myself with her in my room makes me proud to stand next to her. Hanging onto these little moments that I’ve had with her urge me to keep going. And I’m going to make sure that she is with me, every step of the way.
~~~~~
“And the winner of the bake-off is…”
I’m nervous. The most uneasy I have ever been in my life, but not for my own sake. For her sake. She encouraged me to compete as a new baker and, frankly, I fear to disappoint the love of my life. The past few days on the island have been the most emotionally tiring time in my life, but I know I’ve grown as a person, for the better… for her sake. Everything up until now I have done for her. To reconnect with my brother, bring myself closure from the passing of grandma… Grandma. I know you would have loved her. She brings as much joy in my life as baking did when you were still here. You would have loved her, maybe as much as I do now. She’s urged me to move on, to become a better man. She’s made me a better version of myself that I, if you would have asked me the same question a few months back, I would have laughed in their faces.
But it’s true
“LUCIEN RIVERCREST!!!”
She’s my rock
Cheer from all around me invade my ears and a seawall of loyal and new fans have gathered around me to celebrate my victory over that vindictive pixie.
I’m closer to where I started
I lock eyes with her from an opening in the crowd
I’m chasing after you
I part the crowd and make a hasty beeline towards her. I could spot her from a mile away.
I’m standing here until you make me move
As I get closer, she starts to push through herself in hopes of meeting me halfway. But I get there first, because I’ve been chasing after her since the beginning.
My new beginning.
My new life.
With her.
But right now, as she barrels into my arms, I lift her up into a Hollywood worthy kiss in front of the floating camera orbs.
I’m hanging by a moment here with you
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chantalkrcmar · 3 years
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India Receding…Further and Further
29 April 2021
As western news outlets catch on more and more to the enormous COVID tragedy unfolding in India, more and more people here in the US are asking how our friends and family there are doing.
And what do I say?
The truth is almost unbearably hard.
My mother-in-law, Sudha Dave (Mummy to Rahul and me; Dadi to Anamika), died unexpectedly a couple days ago. Another COVID casualty. Because of COVID’s burden on India’s already patchy and weak healthcare system, Mummy did not get the medical care she needed. So, though she will not be counted in the official COVID statistics, COVID was a contributing factor. (A note about the Indian government’s official COVID stats: Do not trust them. Currently, they put the COVID fatalities at 200,000 — not even counting those who died victims of the failing healthcare system. Experts claim the fatalities directly from COVID are actually already one million.)
The advice most everyone in India is getting right now from medical professionals and the government is: do not go to the hospital unless you are at death’s door. The unspoken message is also: And even if you are at death’s door, do not come expecting to get the care you need. Maybe you’ll be lucky, and maybe you won’t. Well, our family doctor gave my in-laws that advice when Mummy started having breathing trouble and low oxygen levels. My mother-in-law and father-in-law knew she was not well, but they thought she must be stable. Her doctor probably knew, but my in-laws did not know she was actually on death’s door. So once they brought her to the hospital, she went into cardiac arrest and that was it.
So what do I say to well-intentioned folks who ask me about India now? To us, it’s not an abstract headline in the New York Times or a clip on NPR. It’s flesh and blood and lots and lots of tears.
Honestly, it’s been horribly hard to hear, “How are your friends and family in India?” when I can’t respond with a simple, “They’re safe and healthy. Thanks for asking.”
The real answer is more like “Absolutely horrible. My mother-in-law just died, ripping a huge hole in the fabric of our family. One that will take a good long time to mend. And one that right now is just goddamn painful. And almost everyone else we know is getting COVID, to boot. Thanks for asking.”
I’m not sure that’s what well-intentioned acquaintances want to hear. 
My mother-in-law is gone, and with her, our experience of India is irrevocably and irreversibly changed forever. As I sit in the fog of grief, one of the many thoughts that keeps recurring is how much Mummy made India what it is to me. The first time I ever came to India, she met Rahul and me at the Mumbai International Airport with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers in hand. As she passed them to me, she said, “Welcome home.” Within minutes of getting to the apartment, we were sitting with hot cups of Ambubhai’s world famous chai in our hands. And so it began…At the time, I did not know how much India would become my second home. I came to find over time that Mummy was right. I was coming home.
Our family home in Mumbai will be so…quiet…next time we’re there. My mother-in-law was a presence to be reckoned with. She brought a lot of laughter and love and zaniness and, yes, sometimes exasperation, into our home. She and Anamika would paint together, and watch Paw Patrol in Hindi, and have epic battles of the will over how much aanda or dhal or bhindi or chapati Anamika would eat. Ultimately, though, my mother-in-law adored Anamika so much that…well, who do you think won their battles of the will? We all managed to live together through the world’s harshest lockdown without even fighting that much. Even while going through it, I knew how remarkable that was. Sure, there were annoyances, and sure there were some arguments, but we five adults and one four year old managed pretty well.
My mother-in-law was imperious, curious, quite adventurous — especially for a woman who was raised in a time in India when girls and women were expected to be nothing but docile and demur. Many, sadly, are still expected to be that way. She loved Anamika’s feistiness and self-assurance, probably partly because she saw parts of herself, and her aspirations for herself, in her little granddaughter.
Mummy’s death is having wide ripple effects. Anamika and I are grief stricken; Rahul is, of course, even more so. Ambu Uncle is a mess, too. On WhatsApp video calls, he looks so drained. Riaz Uncle, my in-laws’ driver who hasn’t really driven them anywhere all year but is still being paid (if only other Indians would be as fair and humane as my father-in-law) looked stricken when we spoke to him on WhatsApp too. My father-in-law called Riaz Uncle to come drive them to the hospital so Mummy could get a CT Scan and then drive them home. Nobody knew that it would be a one-way trip.
Tutuji and Hemanta are also so affected. When we called to tell them Mummy had died, Tutuji and Rahul both broke down and sobbed together. Tutu and Hemanta have stayed in our home in Mumbai with all of us many times over the years. Hemanta calls my in-laws Dada and Dadi, just like Anamika does. Over the past couple days, Hemanta has been calling us regularly. Our 11 year old foster son is acting so mature. He inquires, “Has Haathi Papa [Rahul] eaten lately? Is he sleeping enough?” Hemanta also called us in the middle of the night yesterday to report that he had called Ambu Uncle to check in on him and Dada. He is concerned about them too. “Dada has eaten cherries,” he solemnly told us. Hemanta’s care for them is so touching. Anamika has also been so attentive to Rahul. She’s been hugging him and holding his hand and stroking his head when he cries. She keeps saying, “Dadi was my Dadi.” And then she reluctantly follows with, “And she was yours, too, Papa.”
Now we all must mourn and celebrate Mummy together over WhatsApp. Rahul’s cousin Alka, mercifully, lives in Mumbai and is fully vaccinated. So she’s been helping my father-in-law navigate the bureaucratic hoops, and the emotional fallout, that follow death. Alka helped Rahul “attend” Mummy’s cremation through WhatsApp video. Because the COVID situation in India is such a nightmare, we cannot go there now. Many international flights to and from India are canceled anyway, and soon all will be. Rahul and I have not gotten our second dose of the vaccine yet either. My poor father-in-law can’t even have visitors right now. So he and Ambu field phone calls from friends and relatives, and then sit in their quiet home. A home that is stuffed with my mother-in-law’s being — her colorful sarees spilling out of one whole closet, her tiny bottles of shampoo, perfume, lotion everywhere. She had a funny habit of collecting small hotel toiletries from everywhere they traveled.
Anamika and Mummy painted together a lot during lockdown, but after we left India, my mother-in-law took her artwork to a new level. Using Anamika’s bedroom as her studio, she was constantly trying new techniques. She was waiting for our return so she could resume doing art with her favorite creative companion, Anamika. The fact that that day never did come is such a loss for her and for Anamika. Theirs was a bond that brought me such joy. My only surviving grandmother when I was a child was downright mean. So to see how much love my mother-in-law showered on Anamika was heartwarming. So that’s what a grandmother/granddaughter relationship is supposed to look like!
I never thought when we left India in September that we’d never see Mummy again. We knew that my in-laws were in a high risk category for COVID, but we also knew they were willing to be shut-ins until the pandemic was past and that Ambu Uncle would take excellent care of them. I think we overlooked the fact that the Indian healthcare system would totally collapse, leaving them at risk if anything else went wrong.
This post is obviously about my mother-in-law, but the grief over her death is being compounded by our stress and worries about others in India, too. I am not sure I can even appropriately convey how dire the situation in India is now. As I was writing this post, I got a message from Thresiamma, a friend who runs an NGO in Kerala, the south of India.  She is 74 and she has COVID. She has taken a turn for the worse and was hospitalized. I hope she makes it out. But I am not too terribly hopeful. And Rahul’s good friend Ahmet who lives in Mumbai has told him that about 10% of his co-workers have died of COVID. His colleagues were not elderly — nor were they poor and unable to afford medical care. It’s just not available much of the time — no matter who you pay off. The Indian crony system has met its match during this pandemic.
Here’s a little taste of just how bad it is in India...
https://thewire.in/government/india-covid-19-government-crime-against-humanity
Right before the pandemic hit India, we took a little family vacation to one of our favorite travel destinations: Kodaikanal, a small town in the Western Ghat mountains in Tamil Nadu. Thank the gods we got there one last time. Who knew what was just around the corner?!
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I snapped this photo of Anamika hamming it up with her Dadi and Dada in front of one of our favorite spots in Kodai: The Pastry Corner, a little hole-in-the-wall bakery with the most amazing South Indian filter coffee, delectable homemade ice cream and gooey pastries. The Pastry Corner is tiny; it’s grimy; the ice cream server’s nine fingers were always dirty. But we all loved it and made a daily pilgrimage down the road to share outdoor benches jam-packed with locals and sticky from all the treats customers had been dropping all day. Best. Place. Ever. (And, no, those coffee cups were not all ours. Just most of them were.)
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