#anyways im just ranting at this point and getting thoughts out so ill stop

[arolesbianism]

Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr

#rat rambles #Im tired of babysitting ignorant ppl Im tired of trying to be nice abt shit someone needs to give me a gun #Im tired of trying to be presentable towards ppl who are on the fense abt shit Im tired of sanitising myself #I wanna reclaim slurs I wanna be angry I want to be loud I want to just yell at ppl that they Should be uncomfortable they Should be upset #you Shouldnt let ppl live in bliss you Should feel targeted when I call out your bullshit because I Am talking abt you fucking get over it #I have been teaching and guiding and explaining for as long as I remember and Im So Fucking Sick Of It #but someone has to. if I can get even one person to support us in a way that matters I have to. #I mean I dont. but I want to. except I also dont because its miserable and it fucking kills me to do. but I couldnt live with myself if I #didnt so here I fucking am. #I just want to be angry without guilt for once in my fucking life. I deserve to be. Im tired of pretending Im not. #goddddd Im so fucking mad rn Im sorry but also Im not but yknow. #I just wanna be more confident abt myself in like every regard like I hate how long its taken me to feel allowed to call myself mexican #yknow. a thing I am and always have beem #like I am still also white for sure and was raised in a very white enviorment but that doesnt stop me from being mexican #and Im allowed to reclaim slurs and Im allowed to defend myself from bigotry and Im allowed to be fucking angry abt it #Im allowed to exist as I am. I thought I had gotten to that point a long time ago but Ive been realising that I rly havent. #rat rants #rat vents #ok anyways. I should rly go to bed now lol #Ill probably be feeling better tomorrow but dont let that make you think my burning rage is gone lol #whatever gn gamers

[yoonsdoll]

best friends - bsk

content : bsf!kwan x f!reader ; drabble , uni au ; 0.8k words warnings : suggestive comment that seungkwan makes and readers + kwans naughty thoughts . - boo seungkwan being ur jealous best friend who doesnt want to admit he has feelings for u! (and vice versa..). an : hes just silly like that :3 . please reblog if you liked the drabble so it reaches a wider audience! thank u ^^

"so you're telling me that you gave him your number?" seungkwan questioned, the look on his face clearly unimpressed. you were sitting on the ledge of a brick wall, talking with your best friend seungkwan, admiring the city view as the moon started to illuminate the streets.

"yeah," you glanced at him cautiously, giving him a soft smile, "is there an issue..?"

"yes? you barely know them.. i mean the year just started and you're already giving out your number?"

"im just making friends, kwannie. im getting tired of hearing your nagging to buy you iced coffee every single morning..." you teased him, light-heartedly of course, but for good measure you decided to add, "im joking."

you noticed his small pout, playing along with the joke. "hey, if you really leave me for some randos you just met ill be seriously upset. like really mega super upset." he then voiced, sounding a little more serious. it wasn't like him to suddenly mention things like that. you've known him for long enough to remember that any time he wanted to talk seriously with you he would always do it over text (probably to spare the embarrassment of stuttering mid rant or something like that, you assumed so anyway.)

you were taken a little aback by the comment and exhaled a half laugh half sigh. "you know i would never leave you for 'some randos i just met.' im aware you like me too much, ill save myself the hassle and ill save you the heartbreak." part of you was trying to lift the mood, but for the past few months you've been trying to test your theory of your best friend liking you.

you've liked seungkwan for as long as you can remember, whether it was platonic or romantic, there was always so much love towards him that you had. since summer had started, you've noticed him wanting to spend more time with you, brushing it off as you being best friends who had many due catch-up sessions that were always put off by uni. however, during the past few months, seungkwan has gotten incredibly clingy, and you found out that with the clinginess came jealousy.

every time you got invited out by him, he told you to send photos of what you'd wear and he would match with you effortlessly. every time a guy smiled at you, he'd pull you just that bit closer, grabbing your hand or even your waist when he got brave. every time you told him about a new friend, he'd ask you a million questions to make sure that you wouldn't replace him. it was honestly cute. he put so much effort into it that you weren't sure if he even noticed it.

"we both know its you that likes me. you probably think of me during your lessons instead of listening to the teacher thats why your grades are so low," he fired back unexpectedly, "what do you think about me doing? me kissing you? me taking my shirt off? me ruining you?"

his sudden comments flustered you, he wasn't completely wrong. there were days where you would imagine his fingers in you instead of your own, or even better, his massive cock that was always outlined due to the tight jeans he always wore. but that was normal, right? you were hitting your twenties and you haven't even had sex yet, thinking of your incredibly-hot-best-friend-of-seven-years in a sexual way had to be normal.

"and if i do?" you teased back, "you probably think of me in even weirder situations, perv."

his face turned into a smirk, hiding his surprise. "you know you like the idea of me thinking about you." he then chuckled, brushing it off as a joke. in reality, he needed you as much as you needed him, there were times where he couldn't stop thinking of you to the point it physically hurt him. he would get off to the photos he took of you in your slutty short skirts that you wore on your 'dates' or the messages you sent him that consisted of borderline sexting.

sighing, you hit his arm playfully. "don't get too ahead of yourself, we are just friends after all."

and that was the reality, you were both just extremely needy best friends that were too stubborn to admit you had feelings for each other. you both weren't sure if romantic feelings would ruin the friendship, so the safest option was to not mention it at all, even if it was hard at times, (especially for seungkwan who had enough of listening about your new male friends and the possibility of you getting together).

"hm. yeah, friends." you heard him mutter under his breath. you could tell he wanted to add to that statement, but instead kept quiet. you were too tired to push him into telling you and decided to let it go, at least until the next time you got to talk to him like this.

#seventeen #boo seungkwan #seungkwan drabble #seungkwan x reader #seungkwan #svt #svt x reader #seventeen x you #fluff #seventeen fanfic #seventeen x y/n #seventeen fluff #seungkwan fluff #seungkwan smut #seventeen smut #seventeen x reader #laura : drabbles ! #laura : writing ! #yoonsdoll

[pommunist]

thank you for allowing people to vent their frustrations or discuss whats been happening in your inbox, a lot of qsmpblr from what ive seen wants to ignore anything besides brightest side outlooks and they shove everything else down by labelling things like the spreading of the latest updates as "doomposting".

i personally havent seen any actual doomposting (expecting the worst possible scenario, ex. "the server is over and will never come back") from anywhere besides a small handful of people who hate quackity on twitter, the closest i can find here is sentiments like "yeah i dont know if ill be back to actively watching every day even if everything is fixed" or "im so disillusioned at this point that im not coming back until we get concrete proof things are better" where its people personally deciding to (often temporarily) leave the fandom, not any actual doomposting or discouraging anyone to still follow the server because "theres no chance anything will ever be fixed".

so yeah, thank you for allowing stuff besides the most positive of takes in your askbox <3 im too scared to post stuff on my own because of the toxicly positive mindset on qsmpblr, so being able to vent my frustrations in your askbox really helps!

Tbh I don’t blame people who are complaining about what they see as « doomposting ». When you love something you don’t want to wake up every morning learning about another set of bad news on it, instead you want to believe that everything will be fixed and that you will soon be able to enjoy it like you used to.

However the situation IS bad. People are talking about negative things because they ARE happening. And it isn’t just some random drama like this is a situation that affected negatively on people, could even be considered breaching some laws and, also, be the end of the project. I don’t like saying that, obviously, but it’s the truth.

Saying it’s joever already won’t do any good but so will blindly hoping that things will be better. Tbh I’m happy that I haven’t seen much of both of these takes except from the extreme sides of the fandom (out of all the anons I got since it started very few were extremely negative, no hate to them btw feel free to vent in my askbox i just chose not to post them).

People can stop watching qsmp altogether, or just keeping to their fav ccs streams, some can chose to keep watching like they did before for X reasons, others are straight up leaving the fandom, it’s all fine, we just need to understand everyone’s perspective without jumping to judgement.

Side note : One thing I won’t tolerate here is hate on the admins who spoke up though (this + the usual assholery aka random hating, bigotry etc)

Personally I haven’t watched a qsmp stream since the situation was exposed but thats just because I don’t want to support the project rn and can’t enjoy the content knowing what we now know. That’s just me though !

Anyway rant over kkkk thanks for the nice ask anon ! Weirdly I think keeping track of the situation and answering so many people who had questions/wanted to air out their thoughts is what helped me not dwell on my own sadness regarding what’s happening ahah

#qsmp discourse #also if anyone feels like im doomposting u can block me it’s fine #i’m just a rando on the internet if u feel like my blog is too negative rn just disintegrate me #man this blog was created at first to vent about my fav eggs and ship how did i get here

[trans-michael-shelley]

my contribution for Mutuals Powerpoint Night!!!!!! @wherearetheplants @astralrunic @multi-lefaiye @cnnamonrolls @abouttogetshellshocked @approximately20eggs (this is @/nicola-writes' TMA sideblog btw for those confused).

anyway. one more thing under the cut :))) you should click i promise

hello jon apologies for the deception but i wanted to make sure you started reading, so i thought it best not to announce myself. now:

JURGEN LEITNER? STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING JURGIEN LEITNER? GOD DAMN FOOL BOOK COLLECTING DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT AVATAR OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING JURGEN LEITNER

STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT JURGEIN LEITNER I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP BOOKS WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT JUST SET THEM LOOSE IS HE DEAD IS HE A BASTARD MAN HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM NEVER SEEN HIS FACE AND I KNOW HE HAS THE WORLDS SHITTIEST BEARD GET AWAY FROM ME

if i wanted to get into heaven and god said jurgein leitners waiting inside i would piss on gods feet for the sole purpose of getting sent back down

if i have to deal with jurgen leitner speaking one word in person on voice in podcast not only will i close the tab i will delete my bookmark out of spite and have to rewatch the entire series again for the experience of being able to skip all the times when he is mentioned or alive

i dont even know why i hate him so much. he collects books but i am just mad because i am angy

he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some rich shithead whose just a fan of creepypasta and wanted the irl version ill go ham

BETTER have had a book make him kill a man cuz if he didnt im going to make him

paypal.com/IFuckingHateJurgeinLeitner

episodes not even about him. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be his library and i lost it

where the fuck is jurgen leitner if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt

crusty old man

ill punch leitner and his sad frail old man twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist and he will desintegrate until all thats left of him is one final book he kept on him at all times simply titled Now You Fucked Up in ancient yiddish

im not breathing im hyperventalating at this point

i hope theres a date given for when jurgen died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my phone

everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the man who had so many fucked up if true books

(congrats on experiencing both HELLO JON and the leitner rant now <3 youre in the fandom already)

#tma #the magnus archives #nico posts #mutual powerpoint night

[minquiec]

My 5k word essay on why I like bringing pain and suffering to the two idiots I love dearly (A thesis)

[alternative title being: me ranting abt jipunk for 2 hours straight im kiddingg]

So like

At this point I'm pretty sure most people can tell I enjoy pulling angst out of nowhere for absolutely NO reason necessary other than pain heeheehaahaa well it ain't gonna stop 😁 CAUSE TRUST THAT I will make sure every au I ever make of these two end in numbingly tragic angst one way or the other 🦅 jkjk they won't all be that bad it'll just have varying degrees of sadness

Anyways

I actually do have a reason for never giving them a happy (canonical or implied) happy ending ☝️ the thing abt me is every detail or like choice I make in character design/relationship/etc is that it's always intentional (most of the time) like there's always some kind of corny reason behind it bc I'm jwndkwjd insane and just think too hard abt two characters that don't even exist.

So like so like

I am an absolute loser for tropes like 'in another life' or 'in every life' or just anything among those lines. Like genuinely it does smth irreparable to my brain it's not even funny.

And basically the thought process for jipunk was like they're LITERALLY from different universes which quite literally means they can't end up together bc it's just not possible. But tbh the whole multiverse logic and how it works is up to interpretation cause y'know it's just a movie but personally I see it as smth pretty impossible for lore sake and stuff HAHSHA

So because the 'original' jipunk (atsv versions) can't end up together, I decided to go and think

"HMM."

"WHAT IF THEY ARE THE EPITOME OF 'ill find you in every universe" BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM END IN THE SAME WAY (never ending up tgt)"

Cause for the different au's each of them is technically a different reincarnate in different worlds with different lives.

And like going back to when I said varying levels of sadness: what I meant was in some aus they'll be literally universes apart (which in itself is already sad asf) but in other aus they could live in the same world but their lives are like perpendicular lines because they'll meet and then never cross paths again (BECAUSE this is what their fate is supposed to be if we base it off their atsv counter parts: they were never meant to be bc they're from different universes)

BUT DONT KILL ME YET BC

technically

teccchnicaalllllyyy

In the long run they do have a happy ending

(longass run bru)

So there isn't a proper timeline for which universes 'happen first' bc that just doesn't make sense but

The modern au where it has the convenience store

Is their happy ending

Endgame au fr

Cause if you think abt it right (this is a headcanon), hb isn't the type of person to fall in love based on looks.

Yet in the modern au he ends up crushing on a silly little employee of the convenience store he goes to.

And like it's just this pull he can't understand for the life of him??? Cause it feels so shallow to him to like someone bc he thinks their pretty

Little does he know

So after they get tgt in the modern au, I'm thinking of this one moment where he kind of figures it out/sort of/not really but he is just like

"idk what it is but it feels like I've spent lifetimes with you"

BECAUSE YOU HAAAAAAVE@)$()2(# AAAAAAUEGEGHHEGEG JM SOBBING

HE SAYS IT BC HE REALIZES HIS SOUL IS JUST SO COMFORTABLE WITH HER PRESENCE ALMOST LIKE ITS GOTTEN USED TO IT SINCE A LONG LONG TIME AGO

And I realized just now but omfg the comic I made where he drunk confess and goes 'I liked you first'

HES LITERALLY BEEN LIKING HER FIRST IN THEIR FIRST LIFE (ATSV) IM GOING TO FUCKIGNNEF THROIWN UP

Soulmates idc idc IDCCCC

Took the quote I love you in every lifetime and RAAAAANNNN WITH IT

I enjoy tragic love stories tm

This isn't delusion anymore this is derangement

They r so dear to me

They are my kdramas, they are my bridgerton, they are my therapy this is how I cope.

#jipunk #lorerambles

[sznofthesticks]

your tags on this post made me 🥹 https://www.tumblr.com/sznofthesticks/748141620644446209

as a bi cis woman married to a bi trans man (who passes v well, even tho i don't like using that word it's relevant) we get Those Looks in queer spaces, Pride, etc and it sucks. We are a part of this community no matter what we look like on the outside. More than once, when i've worn something with a bi flag on it or sth similar, i've had people go 'but i thought you had a husband? you talk abt him all the time' and im like.....those two things are not mutually exclusive. just...ugh

anyway i came here to say that your words warmed my heart. thank you for loudly proclaiming that I am also part of this community, bc sadly, that is rare. 🖤🖤🖤

oh of course! 🧡 i'm so sorry you've had that experience. im sending you all the love and hugs.

people of all queer identities are welcome and safe on my blog and around me. there's such harmful stereotypes around bi/pan people and it makes me so angry for yall. we all deserve to be accepted for who we are, no matter who your partner is.

i see so much of it within my own community, while i don't surround myself with those types of lesbians as friends, i see it way too much.

reminder to you and all the bi/pan people out there, you are loved and valid (and send bi/pan-phobes my way, ill put them in their place.)

adding my tags here for context:

#btw friends don’t look in the notes. you’ll see bi/pan phobia.#you can identify as differently from bi/pan and still not be bi/pan phobic. it’s so easy. 🧡#i see so much in the lesbian community of saying ‘stay away from bi and pan girls they’re lying or using you’#i say that as someone who in my last relationship was fucked over by a pan woman.#BUT GUESS WHAT. it had nothing to do with her being pan. she just sucked as a person.#the stereotypes around bi and pan people is so harmful#and i will be your lesbian bestie and FUCKING FIGHT BITCHES WHO ARE MEAN TO YOU#babes you are valid and i love you 🧡#prev i’m so sorry for the fucking essay in your notifs i feel strongly about this#we accept all queer people on this blog#and if you think otherwise get FUCKED#rants#also back to the point in the post. people don't stop being queer because they're dating someone of the opposite sex.#stop assuming shit about people. it's weird.

#asks #mikibwrites #sending you all the love <33

[blood-loving-leech]

uh, big tw for a rant abt my sui attempt and like complete detail so definitely don’t read it unless you’re in a good state of mind please ily all maybe don’t read it at all actually idk i just needed to get it out and pretend someone actually cares

also it’s very long

today last year i went back to school after a fantasy dream trip to California with my dad for sailing

i sat down in my math class and i realized i hated my school, i was failing at everything i used to be good at, i had lost all my friends, my ex had ghosted me for a week and a half, my teachers thought i was weird for bringing a teddy bear to school in 10th grade, and my parents were always dissapointed,

i was worth nothing to nobody, and i had pills in my backpack

so i sat through my math class, and my chemistry class, and then i went and sat in my hallway for lunch, alone

i sat there with my pills in one hand and my bear in my lap and i stared at them, and i stared at them, and i held my bear, but before i could let myself chicken out i swallowed em without even taking a sip of water and then my hand was empty

and i panicked for a minute

i thought about going to the bathroom and purging

but then i calmed down, i just sat there with my bear for lunch, and felt numb, id have cried maybe if i could, but i couldn’t

tbh i didn’t think there were enough pills to kill me actually i just was kinda hoping they would anyway but two periods later i could feel it

it was really cold, like ice, like slowing down, and i started thinking about my childhood, i wrote a story for my english class that day, 5th period, about a person drowning in an icy lake, remembering all the warm days they’d lived, and my tablemates loved it, they were asking question about like, what it was about, and i just told them i didn’t know

i spent 6th period trying not to pass out and failing, it was so cold even with all my sweaters, from the pills and all the weight i’d been losing, my hair was greasy and my clothes were dirty and i was slumped over in my seat in the very back of spanish thinking “maybe ill actually really die after all”

i went to drama club after school and sat in the crappy auditorium chairs and wrote two letters, one to my parents telling them i didn’t expect the pills to kill me and one to my ex, one i never sent, it’s still sitting in my room sealed in an envelope with two of his favorite teas, im too scared to read my desperation but i can’t throw it out either

i went home and i set everything up on my desk in case i really did die and i finished the day and went to bed not really expecting or at least kind of hoping i wouldn’t wake up, i didn’t even say goodbye to my ex, or anyone else, there wasn’t anyone else to say goodbye to anyway

but i woke up the next morning and on the walk to my bus stop i was furious, i was miserable, and i was numb, i watched the pine needles pass under my feet and i could only think about how fucking stupid it was that i was still alive, and i learned nothing from the previous days fear because i told myself that after school, after therapy, i was going to take the rest of my bottle that was in my room

and yeah

idk

i’ll make another post about the hospital cuz fuck

but like

that was a whole year ago now

i remember all of it

and now it’s this year

and i’m still alive but like

nothing has really changed and honestly? what the fuck

why does nothing change

why does nothing get better

why didn’t i get help? was i not sick enough? why have i had to try and fail over and over again to pull myself out of that hole with only a therapist who got fired and a therapist who quit and a doctor who said im too fat for an eating disorder?

i mean what’s the fucking point

#˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ screaming ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[t0byt3]

why i think noels lament fits vil pre overblot 🫡

i started thinking about this and havent stopped so now yikes

anyways uhhhh im going to reference exact lyrics and how i think they play to vil

also i hc vil as gender fluid so i will be switching between he/she/they pronouns for vil throughout the post

this ended up being long af i forgot that i cant stfu jesus

anyways start !!

Uhhh i will say that i dont think the fact that this song is bascially just a fantacy of some sort relates to vil (for the most part). like i think some of the lyrics would pertain to vils imagination or fantasias or whtvr but ya

none of the things i mention are 100% cannon (they could be?? idk) ill go back l8r to see if i can find proof from the story/book or from the manga to see if some of the "points" i make are actually cannon or just me confusing my hc w canon (it happens yikes)

"GOOD GIRLS CALL ME "THE TOWN BICYCLE" DON'T KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU’VE TRIED MY LIFE OF SIN"

the whole "town bicycle" thing pertains to vil cause people sometimes take their anger/h8red of a character out on the actor whos plays them so for vil who has said that she has played a shit ton of villain roles (i think she said shes played only villain roles if i remember correctly) so if thats the case then she has definitely had to deal with whtvr h8 and name calling has come w that.

then the whole "dont knock it till youve tried my life of sin" refers to people shitting on him for playing the villain specifically the "my life of sin" being vil playing the villain over and over (many villains are seen as wrong or sinful so that also plays in)

"MY PIMP, KNOWS NEVER MESS WITH ME"

lmaooo this just makes me think of his manager cause i feel like vils manager has def heard or seen vil loose his shit either on someone or just ranting about someone

idk if this is fact or not but i always thought of vils manager as being the same one hes had throughout most if not all of his acting career

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND HIM, OFFICERS BUT IF YOU DO, PLEASE MENTION THAT I'D LIKE TO HAVE RETURNED THE PRETTY KNIFE THAT I STUCK TEN TIMES IN HIS BACK!"

tbh i see this as being one of those fantasy parts like vil fantasizing about harming neige and/or taking his place

idk thats all i feel like that line is self explanatory idk

"FOR I SING SONGS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN I EMBRACE A NEW MAN EVERY NIGHT MY LIFE'S ONE NEVER-ENDING CARNIVAL; A WHIRL OF BOOZY-FLOOZY FLASHING LIGHT; I WANT TO BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL"

"i sing songs until the break of dawn" while i feel like in the song this could be referring to actual sing or fucking all night or whtvr IN THIS CASE FOR VIL i interpreted it as actual singing in which she sings while getting ready for bed or in the morning or smthng) either practicing songs for the hero roles she never gets to play or just practicing in general (maybe even singing songs that she likes just for fun)

"i embrace a new man every night" again im aware this is referring to s3x IM interpreting it as like,, taking on new roles every night either for a new play or a new part or whtvr (this one is one of those lines that doesnt really relate but ya)

"my lifes one never ending carnival a whirl of boozy floozy flashing lights" SHOWBIZZ!! lame but ya thats all i just think that this would be just like in referrence to actor life or whtvr. the whole "my lifes one nvr ending carnival" part could be read as slightly sarcastic cause while everything is also new! fun! wow! its also just ick after awhile cause thats just how its is. the nxt line would just be referring to all the bright ass lights and camera lights and shit that go into acting and whatnot

"HE SAID, "I THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU" I'VE HEARD THAT LIE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE"

another one that i feel is self explanatory tbh people tell actors they love them all the time so while vil probably gets h8 for playing the villain they probably also get fans telling they they love them (which i can imagine how annoyed that must make vil but not the point rn)

"OH, TONIGHT I GIVE IN TO THE FANTASY TAKE LOVE WHEN YOU CAN, WHEN YOU'RE A WHORE"

as much as it annoys them when random ass people say they love them, i do think sometimes, vil will give into it a go along, either for publicity or whtvr. especially as a kid i feel like vil would give into that lie more often (hence why they dont anymore as they have learned its false) but sometimes when the loneliness goes haywire theyll indulge someone for a bit (typically just simple "ilu2 :))" and conversing with them) to gain some sort of fake closeness to satiate the loneliness for a bit (this is 100% hc i feel like vil is seen as the best or the second best so its probably hard to make real friends or relations that dont just want to use them for money or fame or whtvr but once again,,, not the point)

skipping a few lyrics here 1- cause tw and 2- bc i havent found a way to word the way i feel they relate to vil (maybe ill edit when i figure it out maybe i wont idfk)

"EIGHT MONTHS LATER I CATCH TYPHOID FLU"

this just makes me thing of her overblot lol while i def think that the overblot has been building for more than eight months but it just shot forward from being to book six to when she overblotted. "i catch the typhoid flu" makes me think of how she "caught" the overblot "sickness" since its going around/being passed around similarly to how i feel a flu or sickness would be (obviously not very contagious and if overblot was some sort of sickness nrc would be fucked)

"DYING IN AN ALLEY, A PRIEST KNEELS DOWN TO ME- "My child, do you have any final words to the Lord you'd like to say?" "Oui. Tell Him that, like Him, I choose to burn out rather than fade away!"

the priest in this scenario would be either neige or rook

if we're going w neige as the priest id says it because neige was trying to be nice to vil before vil tried to poison him. The line that noel says would be interpreted as vils words right before giving neige the apple which wouldve cursed him

if we are going with rook as the priest then i see it as rook talking to vil before she goes off to give neige the apple, like before vil separates from everyone, and noels part ould be like vil replying before she goes (i dont remember if they spoke before vil went to curse neige but ill look into it)

" SHATTERED DREAMS SUPER CRUSTY, HOLY TERROR WILD EYES AND BLACK MASCARA BROKEN HEART"

the other lines in this lil mantra dont really fit but thats okay

anywyas

the whole shattered dreams thing like duh bros shattered dreams of playing a hero role and being chosen over neige

super crusty - idk for this one ill be honest

holy terror wild eyes and black mascara - yea so "terror" more like rage but terror may fit cause while he was full of rage he could have also had fear that hed never be able to be more than the villain or second to neige

and broken heart obvi bros broken hearted over this realization

"IF I COULD HAVE JUST ONE DREAM... I'D BE THAT FUCKED UP GIRL!"

in this case that fucked up girl could be in reference to neige

tbh that whole thing abt this song being abt some guys fantasy could also be in reference to vils fantasy of taking neiges place as the fairest of them all of the most loved and such.

anyways that was a lot and idk if any of it made sense tbh

thats all :3

#twst #disney twst #vil #vil schoenheit #noels lament #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland vil #twst vil #i thought way too much about this idk why tf this possesed me #cutesy :3 #someone tell me to shut up

[nino-rox]

TRIGGER WARNING : Mental Health Rant

DONT READ BECAUSE ITS NOT WORTH your TIME i think

This is a rant/vent post because I’m feeling stuff? I guess? I don’t know…

So i don’t even know know why I’m posting this here but the gist of it is I just heard of Dysthymia (mild but chronic depression) today for the first time.

I searched it up and a online test popped up for it - it was a pretty small test - likely inaccurate.

It asked me some questions that had me in shock and then later diagnosed me as Dysthymic.

And I’m in Los Angeles for college far from home and I wanted to tell someone what happened and as i scrolled through my Insta/snapchat/iMsgs I realised i didn’t quite have someone to share this weird thing that happened with.

It’s not that I dont have anyone - I’m extremely blessed, have a very loving and supportive family, a few very close friends; I’m super lucky so I feel grateful to God for it - point is everyone was on the other side of the planet and I didn’t for some reason feel like sending it to them. I even scrolled through my call logs and FaceTime history and couldn’t find a single person.

Since the longest time I’ve always thought I had people I can count on for any situation - I DO, but i don’t know its just so * indescribable * ugh wtf

Anyway, the other day, my sim card here stopped working and It was when i really needed it due to some work, without internet or data it would prove complicated to make a safe Uber ride or just f anything went south id be screwed.

I needed to go to the SIM card store for a replacement sim - i couldn’t find a single person to come with me, not a single call was returned.

One person texted and they were helpful and said they’re tired so can’t go - UNDERSTANDABLE and COMPLETELY OKAY !! - yet i felt like crap hearing that because if I pride myself on one thing its being an exceptionally kind and loving social person, and even if someone who i know as an acquaintance had asked me for something like this i think i would’ve dropped everything because it was someone’s time for need. I understand that people are different, and i dont want to sound entitled by saying something stupid like they’re obligated to go out with me in a scenario like this but i felt so appalled and i felt like i didn’t really know myself or anything because I’m probably one of those people who literally knows everyone on campus, at least in my batch (2026).

Everyone always says even today that you’re so sweet and you literally know everyone - this makes it so much worse - I’m sweet and know everyone and yet i wasn’t able to cultivate a single friendship or professional relationship to the level where i could count on someone for something like this .

For the record, thanks to my family I knew people (family friends etc..) i could still call in case of a serious emergency - i didn’t feel like this was serious, it was just … ??? »????????????????

ANyway i went alone and by the end of it I told myself i was being so dramatic over something stupid like a sim.

But i don’t know

.

Either way, thats that - I’m sorry I’ve been inactive and havent had time to work on requests - ill get started soon !

IM sorry for posting this on here i don’t even know why I’m doing this lol.

Also if someone is kind enough to reply/comment to this post ; i truly do appreciate it and it means the world, but i don’t know if ill be mentally ready to reply to the comments on this post if any.

Lots of love

- Nino

#tw rant #tw mental health

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

i'm so sorry for how nonsensical this might be but entertain me for a second here because i think you're maybe one of the only daemon writers who might understand where i'm coming from,,, anyway i'm pretty sure (unless i'm remembering incorrectly) that there's a scene in ilibitsos where we see babey deal with sub-drop, right?

so tell me why i'm now stuck on the thought of daemon and how he 100% deals with dom-drop (or whatever you wanna call the dom equivalent). he's such an emotion heavy guy and that, combined with his emotional constipation (which matches his literal constipation), probably leads him down the path of destruction to dom-dropping.

it would have to be after babey does something to make him worry - which, at this point, her doing anything without his prior knowledge seems to do the trick- and worry is something daemon typically expresses with anger. so let's say the reader pulled some shit where she went and done something that daemon, rhaenyra and basically everyone told her explicitly not to do. when she gets back, daemon's in one of his "gah im so angry i need to stab her womb with my flesh sword" moods (never thought i'd describe a cock as a flesh sword but here we are). so he's taking her from behind, either with his hand shoving her head down into the mattress or pinning her down to whatever surface he's bent her over and he's going at it. like, poor babey is definitely gonna feel it for a few days after. and he's just spewing his usual depravity, barely lucid of the fact he's slowly switching from calling her an ill behaved whore to ranting about how worried he was, how she needs to apologize for not letting him get a wink of sound sleep, how he hates how weak it made him feel to know she was in danger and nothing he could do would take her away from it. until, eventually, everything he feels- in his heart, not his cock- becomes too overwhelming and he just needs to stop. babey's smart so she obviously notices the switch in energy immeadiately and she's calling out to him, trying to turn around and get a look at him but he's not letting her. he's just... staring at the back of her head, hands slowly loosening the iron-tight grip they had on her hips and switching to caresing her skin, feeling that she's physically there. when babey finally manages to turn herself over and face her sweet tortured husband, he's frowning like he's angry but staring at her like she's the finest porcelain that'll smash if he's not careful with the way he touches her. he won't talk, can't talk, but that's okay cause she understands him even when he says nothing and so she gives him what he really needs, craddling him in her arms, soothing over his back with her hand, whispers of i'm okay and i'm right here, kepus and you can't always keep me safe but you'll always lead me home thrown upon deaf ears as daemon does his lil sad boi forehead touch and just melts into her, taking in her smell and just taking in the fact she's present beside him, letting himself finally feel all those dark, heavy, suppressed emotions he pushed down all those days she wasn't by his side.

and ahhh wtf did i just write, i'm so sorry this was genuinely meant to just be a short enquiry onto daemon and his possible dom-dropping but i started writing it and then this happened instead. i hope this wasn't overstepping any boundary or anything like that. all this to say, big slay, loved the first chapter of the pregnancy fic, excited for the possible future return of murderer-core daemon once the dance hits.

(this might have sent twice by accident so, if it did, sorry! tumblr's just a dramatic girlie who likes to tell me there was a problem sending my ask)

Hey! Yes, there is a scene that deals with sub-drop, and it's probably one of the few things that I know about dom/sub dynamics, to be honest haha!

And wow, this is such a good analysis of Daemon's whole come-down, it's like you shoved fingers inside my brain and wiggled stuff around and produced something really cool from half-assed fragments lying around in there, lol. His default is totally anger; it's what he vibes with whenever he has the Big Feelings, even if he's more upset, or worried, or afraid. He gets the Big Angries instead, haha! But oh, vulnerable Daemon hit me in the feels with this one - I fucking love it. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I DEFINITELY need to start a new tag called 'daemon writing notes' so I can keep this on FILE.

Never be concerned about overstepping boundaries, I'm so fucking flattered that my silly fic was even worth the time it would've taken to type this out! I love your ideas - we are one spiritually, I swear. I'm so glad you liked the first chap of the pregnancy fic, and murderboi!Daemon might even be coming in this fic, to be honest! I'm really craving some violent energy from him, and we gotta start easing Babey in early!

(This ask totally didn't send twice, so you're all good!)

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY @houseofhyde BAE!!!!

#fanfiction comments #daemon writing notes

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[100gecstree2]

before i start ranting i need to preface-

I respect Dana for her accurate depictions of abuse from a parent/guardian in the owl house, she did what she could and honestly i think its enough for what it is. This is just a grievance i have regarding the depictions of parental/guardian abuse with Amity and Hunter.

Something that bothered me when i watched escaping expulsion and any sport in a storm was the way amity and hunter were expected to act in regards to their abuser. My abuser shares a lot of similarities with both odalia and belos, i dont hate these characters for it, contrary i really like how they have been handled so far. theyre good characters in the sense that they are accurate (as much as they can be in a kids show) to what abuse from a parental guardian can be like. Now because i am and have been in similar situations such as hunter and amity i found it really easy to relate to both of them in this aspect of their backgrounds. However the thing in question that bothered me was how both amity and hunter are seen to only progress in their respective character arcs AFTER they stand up to their abuser.

Ill start with hunter first because his is more important to me for varying reasons. to be clear darius is NOT an abuser to hunter. he seems to be the opposite, however we don't really know this while watching this episode. Neither does hunter. to hunter, darius is another connection to his actual abuser, someone who can and will tattle on him. someone who as we've seen is prone to fits of anger or atleast seems to be. during this episode hunter is insecure about his standing as the golden guard, to which darius tells him to recruit more scouts. so hunter does as instructed. (i know it wasn't an order, rather a passing comment, but those things can mean a lot to someone like hunter especially in the position, aka after disappointing belos twice in a row.) Im not going to recite the whole thing because this isnt an argument against the portrayal of hunter or amity WHICH IM REPEATING AGAIN because i dont want anyone to think thats my point. anyways, at the end hunter sees that turning in his friends in to darius was the wrong move. He stops darius fully expecting darius to hit or otherwise punish him. darius however does the opposite, proud of hunters actions telling him he did the right thing. this moment is where i start to feel uncomfortable. dont get me wrong i love darius and i love the bond that him and hunter are forming, i love that hunter has someone for him. the part that is iffy to me is the expectance of hunter from both darius and the hexside students to fight back in order to be a redeemable person. fighting back and standing ground against your abuser is hard and i hate the idea that you're not thought of as a good person if you do something out of fear of your abuser without trying to fight back. Im aware that if this was belos instead of darius things might have been drastically different, but hunter doesnt know that darius would be forgiving, to hunter in this moment, darius is an extension of belos, someone who works for him, especially when he raises his fist and makes it seem that hes going to hurt hunter. again im not saying theres anything wrong with how this episode went nor is there nothing wrong with hunter fighting back. this is just something personal to me- that i have yet to see a character in media who isnt demonized (im not at ALL saying that hunter is) because theyre too afraid of their abuser to fight back, a character who can still be redeemable and a good person regardless of whether not they're free of their abuser yet.

with amity this was handled a bit better (in my eyes). after odalia expels willow gus and luz, they arent mad at amity. They don't show any bitterness to her and luz is understanding of the situation that amity is in. whereas in hunter's case, willow and the other flyer derby members would have most likely stayed upset with hunter, hell, they even are suspicious of him during labyrinth runners. i am aware that the defining difference is that willow and the flyer derby team dont know what hunter is going through. I suppose its just a hard pill to swallow for me personally. amity fighting back against odalia was strange, on one hand, she wasnt judged harshly for not interfereing, on the other hand, unlike hunter who's fighting against an extension of his abuser, amity is protesting against her actual abuser. making the situation a lot scarier in her eyes. alador while not a star father, really is her saving grace here. he calms odalia down and at the very least forces her to take back her previous punishment to amity.

Im not entirely sure what i was trying to prove with any of this. I like amity and i like hunter. Im happy that theres more awareness around abuse coming from parental figures especially in something like a kids cartoon. I spent a long time thinking what i went through was normal, god knows if i watched toh as a kid i wouldve recognized the signs sooner. This was just me complaining about a trope i suppose. If you read all of this, thank you, a lot, i mean it. if you want to add something to this, feel free to. i'd rather not argue about this because there is nothing to argue about really, im not putting either of these episodes/character arcs down in any way. these are just my two cents on the 'abused character must fight back to their abuser in order to be seen as willing to change or redeemable. because as someone who's been learning to change while unfortunately still living and fearing my abuser, id hate if someone disregarded my growth as a person simply because the effects of my trauma wouldnt allow me to fight back.

#the owl house #hunter toh #amity blight #tw abuse #odalia blight #emperor belos #long post #rant #im sorry if any of this repeats itself i wrote this all in one go because i was really frustated

[utterly-disappointed]

if you see this post and you know me irl stop reading pls

this is 100% a vent post thats gonna make me sound like a whiny selfish brat.

im not cis, idk exactly what I am, probs genderfluid honestly, but im definately not cis. The reason this probs upset me so much is because im in a very masc mood atm. 

Last year i accidently left my laptop open on twitter in my dads room, it was on my profile screen. My pfp at the time was a picrew of myself with the nonbinary flag in the bg. My parents never said anything at the time but they kept trying to coax me into being a girl. My mum says a lot of stuff on how im the perfect girl and im very ladylike and am going to become an amazing woman. Also ive told my parents before i never want to have kids and that i dont like makeup and shit like that but they always tell me I will want all that stuff oneday. Like yea maybe i will but atm I dont so stop trying to change the way I feel. Also one of my (ex)friends called me my preffered name infront of my parents even when I asked them not too and of course my parents asked about it and I told them it was a nickname(same excuse i used at school when these bitches in my class kept trying to out me to my teacher). Anyway im pretty positive my parents know Im not cis which sucks. My parents constantly make fun of trans people, my mum(who is a psychologist) told me that anyone who is trans must be mentally ill and something has to be very wrong with you to be like that.

My birthday was a few days ago and my mum lost my gift, she gave it to me today and it was a bunch of cheap makeup from kmart. Obviously I said thanks and stuff but my mum didnt like my tone apparently cause she started getting mad at me about how i never appreciate her gifts. I told her i appreciated the thought but i just don’t really like makeup that much and i never use it except for the occasional lip gloss. But she just got sooo pissed at me and threatened to take my phone away, and then my dad came and started getting mad at me too for disrecpecting my mum. I was jsut sobbing and crying in my kitchen at that point while i was trying to feed my dogs. I only just got away from my parents and honestly rn i just wanna die.

If u read this far thanks for listening to my rant and sorry for all the spelling mistakes im just really upset rn

#vent

[festeringneondistraction]

I want to write poetry again but its just not happening!

Lately I've been so in my head. So many feelings and worries, its just real mental illness hours so in other words: I'm going through it. I've been journaling and posting and that's all fine and good but usually I can take those base thoughts and flesh them out into poetry! I'm very creatively frustrated right now because I have the urge to create but I just... cant. I try!! I definitely try and its not that I'm being a perfectionist about it at least not consciously. I firmly believe in making not-good art just for the sake of art. Bad art is amazing! But its just lots of stress intrusive thoughts then just TV static. The combination of extreme near constant anxiety, and brain fog.

Just to clarify somethings I'm at a very difficult season of my life right now for a lot of reason. I'm also a bit of an neurological alphabet soup (multiple diagnosis) so this is what I'm dealing with. Side note self-diagnosis is valid and you can kindly leave my blog if you think its not :). I'm just clarifying what doctors have told me and what else might be going on. Also I realize some of these are so co-morbid that its a bit redundant but I'm just listing it anyway.

CONFRIMED: Autism, depression, PTSD, ADHD, Social Anxiety/general anxiety, dyspraxia (also called developmental coordination disorder), dermatillomania, and a nice history of self-harm.

COMPLICATED: Chronic migraine (I do get migraines fairly consistently with aura I've had doctors acknowledge my migraines but no official diagnosis yet) mysophobia, ARFID (its extreme obvious for me that I have very real and severe food issues, I've just never talked to a doctor), dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was pretty much treated for both and struggled in those areas significantly. Just never put on paper to my knowledge.

SUSPECTED: OCD, maybe all of this is just CPTSD? who knows.

What im trying to say is there is a lot to unpack in my brain. For anyone who actually read this far thank you i love you id love to talk :)! But really who knows what's causing what sometimes. And when you struggle with brain fog and poor introspection??? What am I even supposed to do.

Id also like to mention im a daily weed smoker. I try not to smoke all day I try and wait till (weirdly enough) 4:20 is actually a great time of day to start lol. But seriously i at bare minimum wait till 420 I usually try to go a little longer.

Weed is one of the only thing that helps with the anxiety. As I am reading all this back and my landry list of diagnosis is right in front of me.... WOW im a high anxiety person. and there's shit I didn't even mention. It all really loops back to Autism and Anxiety. Its to the point where ill go to a friends house.. im feeling anxious but excited and I think im masking well. Then after like two minutes of talking to me my friend will almost always say "Shade you need more weed." Like damn is it that bad. People find it hard to talk to me sometimes because im so high anxiety these days. It used to be that I could talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. I might be freaking out the whole time but It used to be that I was so good at masking my anxiety and autism people wouldn't notice.

Also hi! My name is Shade and yes its my actual legal name. This rant about poetry turned into like a mental illness recap and informal intro. If my blog gets even the tiniest bit of attention i'll do a proper more light hearted intro. Just really speaks to the ADHD I guess. I have so much more to say but if I let myself keep typing it will become a compulsion and I wont stop for hours so Im done now :)

#actually mentally ill #mentally fucked #alphabet soup #neurodivergent #autism #actually autistic #anxiety things #anxious #actually adhd #brain fog #poetry #prose #writerscommunity #writers block

[silliott]

Turtles All The Way Down

Spoiler warning

I read this book a bit ago but I want to start “reviewing” the books I’ve been reading because I’ve gotten back into reading and I love to rant.

I had to read this book for my ‘Independent Novel’ for class, im 15 (my birthday was today actually!) and in 9th grade at a pretty hardcore school. I’m supposed to finish reading it by October 1st but I just got hooked and couldn’t stop, I already returned it to the library 😭.

The book is about a girl named Asa Holmes, but her friends call her Holmesy. She, though it is not directly stated, shows signs of OCD, intrusive thoughts etc. You follow her along as she struggles and attempts to deal with her problems as a 16 year old girl.

There is a missing person who was very rich, and holmsey knew/knows this person’s son named David Pickett. Her friend and Her really want to solve this mystery because there is a large sum of money for solving it.

This is where it gets kind of disappointing, the book had potential to not dabble into romance and all of that, since I am asexual and not necessarily into romance I’d prefer a non romantic focused book for a change but it’s John Green so I’ll allow it this once. While she is trying to solve the mystery of Davis’s father she falls in love with Davis. This was very frustrating to me, though it helped shine a light into the unseen difficulties people with OCD have to deal with when it comes to romance, I, again would enjoy a book NOT centered around romance. Davis ends up giving her a large sum of money to not uncover the mystery and she goes on with her life regularly; studying and hanging out with her best friend who writes Star Wars fan fiction. Well as regularly as she can, she constantly worries about bacteria and illnesses and recently she’s been getting more frequent intrusive thoughts that bother her and trigger her “thought spirals”

She gets into an argument with her friend over her selfishness and the way she constantly brings others down, how she is kind of a nuisance. While arguing they’re in the car and it gets so heated they crash. Holmsey is hospitalized but her friend ends up okay

They forgive each other and holmsey becomes content (or as content as she can) with her “issues”. She and David don’t last, he and his brother, now without parents, have to move away and Asa realizes she isn’t in the right place for a relationship anyway, as much as she wanted to kiss David it was just not going to work because it caused triggered her thought spirals to the point she drank hand sanitizer which caused serious liver damage.

I was disappointed with the ending of this book as it seems like it had the potential to be something it didn’t, the ending was not happy but that isn’t a bad thing, it was nice having a realistic ending but I wish there was more, it seemed lackluster and rushed

Even though some parts were disappointing I still really enjoyed the book and I read it VERY quickly, I would give this an overall 8/10 and I would re-experience this book for the first time if I could.

(I’m apologizing in advance because I am reviewing this book weeks after finishing it, I finished another book before this one but this is one I really did want to review. If I have some details wrong or there’s a detail I left out that you think I should add and share my opinions on please let me know, just don’t be rude about it! Tell me your opinions on this book if you want to, I would love it hear how others feel about this book as it is pretty popular)

#john green #tatwd #turtles all the way down #book review #books and reading

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way