#anyways it's just a lot harder to find people to do it with and the forums I used to use are dead and it's just kind of making me lonelier

[genshingorlsrevengeance]

Request: Velvet, Eleanor, and Magilou with a shy S/O who is trying to hide the hickeys their girl friend gave them.

(Tales of Berseria) Velvet, Eleanor, and Magilou's S/O trying to hide their hickeys

Gotta say for all three of them, ow.

Velvet's S/O struggles to look at her directly, one hand gently rubbing their neck.

Velvet has a smug grin as she crosses her arms.

(Velvet) "I think that looks good on you, personally."

(S/O) "I-It's really obvious where they are!"

(Velvet) "I'm pretty sure that's the whole point of a hickey. Besides showing you're mine anyway-"

Honestly, she doesn't really care what anyone thought about the marks. And seeing S/O get this flustered over them was pretty amusing.

But there was one problem with her carefree attitude about it.

(Laphicet) "S/O? What happened to your neck?"

(S/O) "O-Oh! Well, t-that's!-"

(Eizen) "Why are you that flustered about-...Oh."

Eizen sighs, making Eleanor walk over to the group and realize what happened.

(Eleanor) "Oh my-VELVET!"

She gives Eleanor a glance, raising an eyebrow.

(Velvet) "What?"

(Eleanor) "It's...just so indecent! Why did you-"

(Laphicet) "Did Velvet do something to S/O?"

(Eizen) "No boy, don't ask questions about it. You'll learn when you're older."

(Laphicet) "...Huh?"

S/O had their face buried in their hands, making Laphicet even more confused.

Eleanor crossed her arms and looked extremely disgusted.

(Eleanor) "I cannot believe you two would-"

(Velvet) "S/O, go wash those marks off your neck. And Laphicet, it was from bug bites."

(Laphicet) "What kind of bug would...?-"

(Eizen) "One you shouldn't ask about. Here, let's ask Rokurou about it, and leave the ladies at...this."

Eizen quickly rushed away Laphicet from S/O, Velvet, and Eleanor.

(S/O) "I want to die..."

(Eleanor) "Well...at least wear a scarf!"

(Velvet) sigh "Pride still intact, S/O?"

(S/O) "No..."

Eleanor may have...gotten carried away in the moment.

Truthfully, if she had hickeys on herself, she would absolutely panic.

So to see that she had caused very noticeable ones on S/O's neck and shoulders.

(Eleanor) "...Oh my-..."

Eleanor and S/O struggle to look each other in the eye, both blushing a scarlet red.

(Eleanor) "I am so sorry...L-Let me find you something to cover it up! Or at least some makeup!"

Despite her best efforts, it is extremely noticeable.

(Rokurou) "Hey, S/O? Think ya got something on your neck."

(S/O) "D-D-Do I?!"

(Rokurou) "Yeah, looks like bite ma-...Oh."

Velvet turns around to both Eleanor and S/O, noticing both their expressions.

(Velvet) "Should've just let that lie, Rokurou."

(Rokurou) "Yeeaaaah, didn't realize till it was too late. But hey, didn't think you had it in ya, Eleanor!"

Eleanor facepalmed and swore under her breath, making S/O stare at the ground even harder.

(Velvet) "It's becoming our business when we can hear you two clear as day."

(S/O & Eleanor) "WHAT?!"

(Rokurou) "They're already dead, Velvet. No need to drive the dagger further."

Magilou did that shit on purpose.

Sure, there were other ways of saying that S/O and Magilou were a couple.

But those ways are a lot less interesting and hot.

And Magilou bit hard.

(S/O) "M-Magilou, I'm covered in bites!"

(Magilou) "That you are. And?"

(S/O) "AND?! I CAN'T GO OUT LIKE THIS!"

(Magilou) "Sure ya can! Here, let's go show the others right now!"

(S/O) "N-NO NO NO! WAIT-"

Magilou does not help with S/O's flustered reactions at all, in fact she made it worse.

The first people to see them was Velvet and Eleanor.

(Eleanor) "Good morn-..."

Eleanor's voice was caught in her throat as her eyes widened, looking at S/O's neck.

(Velvet) "...I'm even more glad I had my room far away from you two."

(Magilou) "Come now, you should be rejoicing at the healthy love blossoming between your two companions!"

Both Eleanor and Velvet's glance turned to S/O, who was on the floor, arms in their knees, and face in hands.

Accompanied by a noise that either sounded like a whine of agony, muffled screaming, or a mixture of both.

Then, the two looked back to Magilou.

(Eleanor) "Ugh, too much information."

(Velvet) "Doubt she really cares about that."

(Magilou) "I don't!~"

#tales of berseria x reader #tales of berseria imagines #tales of berseria headcanons #velvet crowe x reader #eleanor hume x reader #magilou mayvin x reader #velvet crowe #eleanor hume #magilou mayvin

[docholligay]

Do you think having such a personalized and detailed headcanon makes it harder to enjoy fic about the show/game that's written by others?

I mean sure, probably.

But unfortunately things I adore, for people named Doc who are me, fall into one of two buckets:

The character work and plot in this show are incredible, I find myself turning it around in my mind like a rotisserie chicken. I constantly discover new things about the show/book/game or the characters in it. I do not read fic about this, because why would I? Every answer I search for is in the text. I want to talk about this with someone, but about what is THERE, not what could be there. Ex: The Haunting of Hill House, Picnic at Hanging Rock, Piranesi, Bioshock:Infinite, Watership Down, Yellowjackets, among others.

The concepts of this could be amazing but are handled so fucking badly so consistently, in a shocking contrast to how INCONSISTENT the character work is, that all I want to do is steal it and make it better. All i want to do is turn it into something that doesn't suck ass when you look at it too hard. So I am going to take it SO seriously, and I am going to develop the rich inner lives for these characters that they lack, with intense backstories and families and motivation for how they got to be the person we know, or know sometimes, in certain episodes or shorts. Ex: Sailor Moon and Overwatch are the biggies here obviously, this is actually not an emotion I feel very often. I don't have intense backstories and extra-textual feelings and ideas about most of the stuff I read and watch, these two are just my Spiders Georg.

So! The odds on me being into something in the correct way to make me want to Seek Treasure Elsewhere but also I have a chill enough attitude about how the characters are that Any Dream Will Do is almost nil. I do not in ANY way mean this in a shady way, but I mostly read published adult fiction for entertainment and not fanfic. I am very picky about my fanfic. So, "plus these two new red and blue girls into Starbucks" often won't work for me, because the reasons to have Haruka and Michiru meet in a coffee shop are completely different from any of the reasons Fareeha and Angela might meet in a coffee shop, and so many of those types are archtypical plug and play stuff. Honestly, I have skated the idea of making a cheat sheet of fanon archetypes of various characters and buying a typewriter to sell 100-200 word 'quick fic' at cons with my sister. That's how common it is to use these archetypes. This is not a criticism! At all!

But, to take the two couples above, I have read so much BORING SHIT about both HM and FA that I could throw up. Lesbian couples have a lot of very milquetoast writing about them, and a lot of meet-cute which isn't really my bag.

But there are authors I love! @oathkeeper-of-tarth was and is one of the best harumichi writers out there and we don't even have all the same headcanons. The rare occasions @verbforverb decides to grace me with "Jewish Mercy I don't Have To Write" I pop a can of bubbly in the tub. And on both fields of battle @keyofjetwolf has stuff I've had bookmarked for years, and there are some things even within Rei's backstory and history that we disagree on.

Actually, to that point what I like is good writing. You can write me into believing nearly anything. There are things I believe about Amelie when I'm reading @lemon-embalmer's stuff that when I go back to my own world, aren't true, but when I'm in her world who the fuck cares, I'm having a great time. EVEN MORE to the point, I read @moonlight-frittata's stupid sun and moon lesbian League of Legends shit and I would rather shoot myslef than know ANYTHING about the game, but unfortunately she has a beautiful turn of phrase and plot flow to her work that I just....read anyway, because it is good. Fucking @tallangrycockatiel had me like 25 pages or so into a story before I was like, "OH SHIT, IS THIS SLASH??? WAIT I DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT BOYS' LOVE!! NO!!" *hits next page* And I still could not care less about that podcast and would never listen to it, and if I did I would be massively disappointed because to my mind, her John and Arthur are the actual article, and whatever the fuck is going on in the source material can eat my dick.

So, yes, I DO think that having a very particular point of view is going to mean I back out of a story where like, "Lena stepped out of her Chelsea flat, custom leather high heels clicking against the step" sometimes, or, you know, "Haruka put down her copy of War and Peace, each meticulous note codified by a color-coded tab. Blue was for historical references to research, green for character analysis, yellow for themes, blah blah blah*" But I am actually shockingly open minded in what I will read, often to the point that I'm reading stuff from SHIT I DO NOT LIKE OR CARE ABOUT, because the quality of the writing is excellent. So, also no.

*I met someone who read books like this and I suddenly realized what the literary equivalent of 'knowing someone is a serial killer' was.

[paging-possum]

was going to start writing an essay about the possible overlap between christianity and OCD and then I remembered im on Tumblr dot com and also a fucking idiot when it comes to putting things into words

#idk man I just think about it sometimes #because I feel like one of the biggest steps in the direction of ocd treatment/management/recovery is to acknowledge that it exists #and recognize your obsessions and compulsions are becoming detrimental #and it becomes so much more difficult to do that when the obsessions are around gods perception of you/your own moral standing #because it just feels like a normal religious thing to be thinking about and worried about #and compulsions like repeated prayer just feel like something you're supposed to do #so even the thought that they could be bad feels blasphemous and it becomes a vicious cycle of ocd and IDK!!! IDK!!!!! #I still feel very weird talking about it with other people but its something I think about a lot because the worst part of it is that #no matter how bad it is breaking the cycle is maybe the most terrifying part of it and on top of that if religion is a big part of your lif #then it can be harder to find support for it as well because everyone around you doesn't see it as a problem either #idk im just rambling a little bit. anyways. hi guys religious ocd is a major bitch I kinda want to write something about it

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Shit like that is why Tangerine should've stayed in Ericson! She must take care of her leg but nooooooo! People in Ericson was mean to me :'(! I'm not surprised she caught a fever considering she's ignoring her wound. Sorry for sounding so bitter.

It's a big issue with the "Clementine left Ericson willingly" plot point in this trilogy. Aside from it just being out of character for her based on what we see in TWDG, it lessens the amount of sympathy we're willing to give as readers.

If she was forced to leave Ericson, whether because they kicked her out or it was under attack, she would have no choice. She'd have to leave, and then these situations wouldn't feel like her fault, y'know? You're more likely to see her suffer, fall down, or get an infection, and feel bad because it's not her fault, she was dealt a shitty hand.

But this angle of her leaving because she was unhappy or because she felt like a burden... she still left the safety of place where she could've properly healed from an amputation. Losing her leg isn't just another injury you can be like, "Oh just keep off it, it'll heal." That's a lot of healing and physical/emotional trauma to get through and she would've had a better chance of it if she stayed with AJ and Ericson.

Since she left, we're kinda just sitting here saying, "Yeah, Clementine... you have to take care of your leg. You have to wash it. You can't be running around on it all the time while it's still healing. You're going to be more prone to infection, and in the zombie apocalypse, that's super not great. What were you thinking? You should have stayed at Ericson. You should not be here at this ski lodge or running through the woods."

A lot of problems with the story and characterization stem from that decision and unfortunately, it's weakening the story.

#ask #twdg clementine #clementine book two #like i don't really understand why we're taking that angle... at least i don't understand yet? #i mean a lot of tillie's stories do involve people leaving places where they're supposedly happy #and the logic in them is just kinda..... not relatable? for me anyway so i have a harder time understanding it #because i can understand that insecurity and trauma weighing down on clementine after she loses her leg #i can understand why she would feel like a liability or why she might *feel* like the others see her as such #how she can't do things she could before and how she struggles with that #all very interesting and emotional things that could be explored #but then she plans an escape from Ericson and sneaks off without any goodbye? what if aj DIDN'T find her? #he would've just woken up one morning and oop clem's gone uh oh #and where exactly is she going? we don't know #she just ended up on a different path following amos up a mountain and now we're here and where are we going?? i dunno #it's all so... not great sksks

[love-at-first-bite]

WHO SAID THAT!?!?

#victor beeps #i don't think termina is easy per-say. i think it has a good difficulty and yeah some things are trial and error (a lot of things) #but MAAAAN compared to the first game you could say it is easy cause F&H 1 - i'll be honest - a slog #like the THIRTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT in a ROUGE-LITE. HELLO????? i can't find my ASS in that time here much less a whole MAN #and a lot of things are just up to RNG and game knowledge so it's all up to a literal coin flip at times #like my marina run was STACKED. got a good weapon early and started with necromancy and dodged so many attacks it was great #meanwhile levi's run was awful from start to finish. i got nothing good i had terrible death mask spawns it was a struggle #ANYWAY i'm excited for the update. i trust they won't just ''enemies hit harder you hit softer bye.'' like it's said #i DO think some things need nerfs...o'saa's tree is a little busted #IN CONCLUSION! DO i think termina is easy? not really! on it's own. compare it to the first game and yes. yes it is easy #at the end of the day a lot of it comes down to rng and game knowledge so while the game may feel impossible at first- #-by your second or third playthrough you should have a solid grasp on a lot of the most important things #(like Needles. the pav/marcoh/tanaka scene. how to save samarie. ect) #and there is an easy(er) mode! don't let people shame you for only playing it on that difficulty! #ANYWAY HIIII GOOD MORNING :3 this is the first thing I saw after waking up and i'm insane about termina rn sooo :] #if you read all this hiiiii i love you~ thank you for listening to my silly video game talk

[icewindandboringhorror]

I love all of these goofy product photos where the water bottle is extremely obviously just photoshopped onto a stock image of someone pretending to hold something or whatever.. very convincing..

#the last one where the water bottle is like nearly the size of the woman's entire leg ghbjbjhh #ALSO I know.. gross.. nasty.. amazon.. I was only looking there because I was trying to find an exact replica of an old water bottle #I bought like 6 years ago in a store and I just wanted another one of those and it seemed like the only place the old manufacturer #still sold was through amazon but.. alas.. I think they just don't make them anymore. so I have abandoned my hunt #I didn't actually buy anything. but I did get distracted clicking through product images for a few of them #it's bizarre how like............... idk.. WHY is this done??? Isn't this offputting to basically ANY potential customer?? or do people #not look at every photo/read the entire page/all product information before buying?? #all of these are from like front page ''top sellers'' or whatever like........... how does this not hurt the brand???? #If the company can't even bother to take a single photo of a real life person using their real life product then... that to me #is kind of red flaggy..?? even if you're an indie start up small business with hardly any funds.. still #A real photo of the product you are selling in a real actual non-photo shopped environment does not seem that inacessible #Maybe it's because everyone does everything on phones now?? So it's harder to see the pictures when they're smaller? #Kind of the same thing with ai art and also hair color photoshops lol.. On my full comptuer screen it is SOOO easy to spot ai art #like IMMEDIATELy from the little tells and ways certain details morph into each other etc. I dont even mean obvious dalle mini stuff but #like the Fancy High Quality Photorealistic AI art is still pretty blatant 98% of the time if you know what to look for. But I still catch #people sharing it a lot like 'omg where can I buy this pair of shoes!! :O <3' .. erm you cannot.. that is the most balatantly fake looking #pair of shoes I have seen in my life hhjbj.. the heels are both different heights. there's a different number of straps on each one. etc. #AND that phase back before colored hair was Mainstream and people would post photos like 'omg going to bring this to the salon!! dream hair #and it's like.. you can LITERALLY see the parts where it's 'colored outside of the lines' and is so clearly just a person with blond hair #that someone drew over with a tint brush or something not even very neatly. etc. etc. ANYWAY.. Maybe with phones it's harder to tell these #things?? To me so much of it is instantly recognizable and it's suprising to me that people either don't notice or don't care and will #interact with it anyway by buying the product or acting like some ai art fake furniture is real or etc. etc. ..hewwoo #Aslo sidenote - I think I've become soo cynical and tired of constantly being advertised to that I literally cannot shop without getting #exhausted. I do not see how marketing is anything but obnoxious and transparent. Every item description having stuff like ''Our company is #commited to bringing you the highest quality water products! we set out with a mission to bring high quality products to people all over #the world and we believe in spreading health and happiness and'' just like SHUT THE HELL UP!! youre a fucking company #you don't ''beleive'' in anything you are here to sell a product. stop trying to talk like you're my bff who cares deeply about my health #or something just tell me the materials and product specifications of your stupid fucking water bottle and move on. Idont need to hear your #whole bullshit spiel about what ~your company stands for~ that is SO much MORE offputting. you make me want to buy the item LESS.. #longing for the type of ads from my 1800s magazines that are just like 'this product is good. please buy it. okay thank you much. bye'

[arcaneyouth]

RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY FOR TOO MANY PARAGRAPHS WATCH OUT

oc spaces are weird. like i'm never going to bash on anyone for doing ocs differently than me, but like ,,, the way i do ocs isn't. the usual? and,,, of course not, yeah, i'm making a full on comic that's taken me 6 years to get this far and will take me another decade to finish, not everybody is capable of doing that or wants to. but it is odd to me sometimes how much having A Story, a full story, is just not normal in oc spaces.

most often, i see ocs that are just a design and personality and a couple relationships (which is awesome i have many of those too) and they clink them together like dolls. sometimes the ocs are JUST the design with no personality (which is awesome i have many of those too). fandom ocs are pretty common too. dnd ocs go crazy. ,,,but i kinda rarely see people with ocs like mine with a full fleshed out universe and storyline just for themselves. which is fine most of the time, but when i do try to talk about it and get excited about it, it's kinda ignored. cause it's more welcomed to talk about individual ocs and why they're sooooo silly. i see it happen with people that aren't me too, it's not just a me thing, in the oc spaces i'm in it's So Common to just ignore anything more than a pretty design.

ok so i guess if i want to find people like me, i should be looking for other authors! but authers don't really like me either. i'm not a novelist, i'm a comic artist and i'll always be a comic artist. i don't do things in the right way because i'm making Comics (not stories.) and comics aren't real stories in a lot of places. not to mention online it's mostly taken up by fanfic authors, which i am very much not

ok. so i just need to find other comic artists. right? i can do that right? NO. because of webtoon the webcomic creator community is constantly in fucking shambles and i'm still doing it wrong because i'm doing everything webtoon hates. so i don't even want to look at comic spaces.

so i go back to oc spaces where they will at least look at my pretty designs and go wow they're so pretty while i try to tell people i have a full comic about them if they wanna know more and they look away

#i gettt that it's harder to get into ocs with full stories i am guilty of going 'oh fuck i don't have the time or energy to care about this' #i do get it i really do. this is not an individual problem. this is a community thing #it just always ends up feeling like i'm doing Something Wrong which can't be true i'm not just uniquely fucked up in how i do ocs #i just can't seem to find them and i run out of the energy to even try #like i'm always going to be playing dolls by myself that's how i like to do it #but i also like to show people what's happening to the dolls if they'll sit and watch for a bit #it's just not really how it goes #as long as i'm bitching this is definitely not being helped by no longer receiving a lot of attention on my oc blog LIAUSDLIAUDH #one of those things i know i shouldn't care about and i kind of don't but it's stacking up with other things #like god damn nobody wants to hear about my ocs 😔 (<- this is not true) #vent post #negative #well anyways back to working on my comic

[unusualshrimp]

hmm gender thoughts

#the people who made pronouns page have another website right #and one of the options there is you can pin your gender on a gradient that goes hypermasculine -> androgynous -> hyperfeminine #and it's like a linear gradient and i hate that SO MUCH. this is hostile architecture for Me Specifically #[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine] #but anyway my gender is like. im a guy but not in a trans guy way #and im a girl but NOT in a cis girl way and i call myself girl in my head a lot but i am a bit Sensitive about how other people use it? #and im always thinking too hard about ''are they acknowledging my 5D chess gender or subconsciously saying it because of my appearance'' #if someone called me androgynous or whatever im stabbing them though. idk that just feels so... gender neutral? and im not gender neutral #do ya feel me. #i feel a bit silly typing all this but ah this is the transgender website i think u all would understand me #im a guy like. you know the weird guy who shows up overdressed to casual events but he looks nice so its fine really #and also like. guy who always wears black and looks cool [the cool might just be in my head but thats fine] #and. i might have to think harder abt how i feel regarding Girl ™. i dont want to discard it because i do love doing my own thing with it #but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway #this is all so sucks honestly my favourite gender is just creature. #you see a thing so weird you just go '' oh god what is that'' and not gender. although i do like the flavour of it/its that is so niceys... #like yeas i want to be a scary looking thing (unattainable) but also.... what if i was jus a lil creature. #and i sat at your door and made 🥺 faces until u let me in and then i sat cosy near your fireplace for a bit... thatd be nice #i dont want to worry about gender anymore i want headpats....................... #oh jesus uhh #long post #<- for the tags

[prisonpodcast]

All my art on twitter flops unless it has Dream in it 😭

#I mean most of my followers are Dream stans so idk if I can complain about this #but at least on here it flops a little less bc the fans of the cc/c usually find the art anyways #through tags #on twitter I think it’s much harder to gain traction but idk #it’s just demotivating a little but also who cares it’s twitter amirite #I mean my art usually dosent do that well anwyas 200 is a lot for me there #but i think a lot of people consider 200 as a flop LOL #to me a flop is bellow 60 #anything above is successful #<- on here and twitter tbh lol #70 is the magic number that means I got a good grade in social media usage #and on IG idgaf I post on IG for me only #.___.

[ub-sessed]

I am writing a little essay to post on Facebook about what I'm going through, workwise. This is a very rough first draft. I'm gonna post it here and let it sit for a day before I come back and clean it up.

(À mes followers francophones : Si vous voyez des erreurs dans mon texte, n'hésitez pas à m'avertir!)

Tourner la page

[English follows below.]

J'aimerais d'abord remercier tous mes collègues du plateau pour les presque dix ans de compagnie amicale et inspirant. C'est vous qui faites le movie magic, et vous le savez: Il n'y a rien qui est plus magique que d'assister à une équipe de feu dans le jus créer un nouveau monde au complet avec que leurs mains, leur imagination et leur collaboration. Personne d'autre ne peut comprendre c'est quoi travailler ensemble avec les gens comme vous-autres qui ont chacun leur propre super-pouvoir. Mes heures sur le plateau étaient les meilleurs de ma vie.

Là pour raison de santé ma vie est en plein transition.

--+--

I am intensely proud of the work I did as a script supervisor, especially of the sustained exertion it took to get that good at something that demanding, and in my second language! I feel lucky that I found my calling, that for almost a decade I got to do a job where I knew that once I got to set, all my other worries would disappear. When I was on set I was in my element, I was laser focused. I was my favourite me. I am grieving the loss of a career that I loved so much and that I worked so hard to build. (So hard. You have no idea how hard. How much effort I put into making it look easy.)

But now that I have finally acknowledged that I won't be able to go back to it, I find that I am enormously relieved. The fact is that in order to do what I did on set, I had to push myself to the very limit of my capacity when I was off set. Well beyond anything sustainable.

What a relief it is now to no longer be straining to be exceptionally good at something exceptionally difficult.

I have spent my whole life pushing myself outside of my comfort zone because that's the only way to really excel. But looking back I realize that the expectations I have set for myself have been absurd. That I have always pursued careers that were well beyond my physical capabilities, or that demanded inhumane hours, or required a level of self-discipline and self-motivation that were completely inappropriate to my temperament.

Script supervising was the closest I ever came to finding the perfect career for me, but even before I got sick, it was clear to me that the only way it would be sustainable was if I could always insist on having an assistant to do the paperwork. Very few script supervisors in the industry can demand that.

My whole life I have been told that I should be more ambitious, that something-or-other should be easy for me because I'm so smart, that if I just had the right attitude I could do things that I actually find nearly impossible. And my whole life I've felt like I was drowning.

Whenever I have tried to make a realistic assessment of my abilities and accept my limitations, I have been told that I'm being "too hard on myself" and that my "negative attitude" was what was keeping me from reaching my goals. But this misguided advice just made it harder to set healthy goals in the first place. I have spent the great majority of my adult life nowhere near my comfort zone. It was exhausting and stressful. These people were right that I should have had more self-confidence: then I would have believed that I know myself better than anybody else does.

It took being completely incapacitated by illness to realize that I have spent my entire adult life feeling inadequate for not meeting the well-meaning expectations of people with only the most superficial understanding of my situation. What a relief it is to no longer be trying to "live up to my potential".

I'm just grateful that I'm young enough that I still have a chance to build myself a life that actually goes at my own pace. A life where I put myself first.

#personal #rough draft #fuck having a career #i just want a job #definitely need to reword at least one of those push myselfs #wip #i have a lot more i want to say about how I've spent most of my life nowhere near my comfort zone #but that's a whole different essay i think #the advice to leave your comfort zone is based on the arrogant assumption that you're in your comfort zone in the first place #ok i got rid of two of the push myselfs #the two that are left kind of look like intentional repetition? #to all the people who have told me that i need to push myself harder: Do you have any idea how hard i am already pushing myself?? #i have so much beef with people who assume that because something is easy for them that it must be easy for me too #or because I'm good at something they find difficult that i just also be good at things that they find easy #the buck-up encouraging You can do it! is not actually helpful if the person can't actually do it #or has to sacrifice their well-being in order to be able to do it #anyway i have spent the past couple months realizing that i put a shocking amount of effort into trying to please other people #in spite of the fact that most people see me as a hard ass who takes no bullshit

[indigodawns]

.

#*youtuber voice* helllooOOOO my beautiful people it's me!!! im here today with another im bored and on a train and i don't want input #(But Also) #i don't really have anything to say i want to talk about indigo (namjoon's album) and i wanna hear someone talk about the production on it #bc idk much about that but i saw a twt mutual love it and yeah it FEELS good and deep and like you can sort of dig into it #and that's so so cool #also can i just. can we JUST. i love many songs on it but change pt2 is still a bit insane to me in the best way like it's HARSH it's blasé #it's sexy it's heartbreaking. you know??? #anyways. such a cool album #as for work today. let me just say: 💀💀💀 #it was SO busy bc holidays and the tension is just... my former boss/wife of the former boss is Done with the wife of the new boss and it's #A Lot let me tell you. honestly wife of new boss is just..... she's not cut out for it man and she keeps making off jokes that annoy people #(e.g. haha work harder lol just kidding) (when she often complains when we do have to work hard and she doesn't rly know what to do) #(also nr1 way to piss people off there like do NOT come for their work ethic) #anyways. it ended with the two arguing loudly #im usually just kinda comforting boss nr1 bc idk she likes me i like her and she works so so hard and the way the other one treats her... #also i say comforting i mean awkwardly patting her arm and empathising #also the other woman. you ever have people and their smell just. Upsets you? like her perfume idk. #anyways. im just hobbling on y'know it's all fine im just very tired all the time #what i also wanted to know if anyone's still reading is just how you all are doing what you're excited about how you find indigo #if you've listened etc etc #<3

[deaconblu3s]

// diary/rant in the tags feel free to ignore ! //

#anyhow just only now for some reason realising that my “best friend” of like 8 yrs uh is a narcissist so trying to process! #i am very aware they r still people! and do wish well for her but our current relationship is narcissistic abuse #n i can't keep the relationship the same #realised basically she was actually making me way more insecure and undermining me n keeping me like a dog in the relationship #and proud of that. and how she had that over me. and it makes sense its what i was used to / drawn to :/ #like i have always been so worried about her not liking me and only now i realise i can't keep it like this just bc she shares my interests #more than others do #i never wanted to be unfair bc like im autistic! ppl think we're a lot of these all of the time #but it sucks bc she's my closest friend n i find it hard as an autistic person. much harder than she did #ppl were always drawn to her anf liked her better immediately and then they'd all eventually hate her #which i somehow ignored #simply uh a lot to think about. the way I've been like why cant i improve my confidence anyway let me go talk to #someone who's gonna undermine everything about me #for some reason only just registered how bad i was feeling today bc of how insecure she was making me in #feeling like i was having to beg for any acknowledgement

[aroaceinaerospace]

sometimes I so deeply miss being a teenager because there was so much more space to just talk to people the same age as you and figure out who you are. there's nothing quite like the vulnerability you were able to reach late at night during a sleepover with friends

#finding yourself at a different time compared to the people around you can be so so so isolating #i know its talked about a lot in the book refusing compulsory sexuality how we seem to pin life events on certain ages #like i always enjoyed hearing about my friends and how they see the world and their experiences #and the way they were able to just talk freely about who they are and where they fit in the world #im so grateful that ive been on the journey i have been on to finding myself #because all the books and content that ive consumed have had such a positive impact on thinking more complexly about the world #but since it seems a lot of people go through this in middle school or high school i feel so behind #i didnt realize i was ace (or even just that i was “different”) until i was a sophomore in high school #and even then it was just hearing the word and saying oh i guess thats me #and it wasnt until about a year or two ago that i really started feeling the need to learn more and be more connected #so it seems like ive been growing at a much slower pace than other people around me #and i know everyone grows and learns at different paces and theres nothing wrong with it #but it can be very disheartening to see and feel that disparity between yourself and your peers #and because a lot of people do their growth at a younger age and because we lose those age groups as we become “adults” #it becomes so much harder to find people your age who are on the same journey to be able to talk through things with #and yes there is the internet which is so wonderful in connecting people from all over the world #but theres just something so special about being sleep deprived and just pondering existence with people you care about #on top of the fact that im just genuinely terrified of accidentally hurting people by saying the wrong thing on the internet #anyway what a tag rant that im sure nobody will see

[spock-adoodledoo]

feeling officially aro for now

#personal #been flip flopping between aro and ace and aroace and possibly bi for like at least half a year probably #most likely more #i still really can't tell but a school group had an entire dinner convo about green/red flags in dating and i was just fucking Shocked that #people even had partners And exes in the first place like damn yall actually dated?? #idk. feel like my romance experience has been 0 even now when im p sure someone still romantically likes me i feel like the concept is entir #entirely disconnected from me #maybe i just prioritize friendship over that; especially because i feel like i don't have close close friends in the way many people seem to #anyways really feeling those posts that are like. how do you find the lack of something bc damn #yeah #we'll figure it out. #i also feel that before i was like ehhhhh idc about a label because if i like someone i'll like them and that'll be that but it's a lot hard #harder to determine Whether or not i'll end up liking Anyone at all and i think i just want the comfort of Knowing rn #so . the label will be there as a concrete identity for now #feel like this is extreme character development i was so fucking weirded out by queer stuff like 5 yrs ago man #that was so weird im glad i found the internet

[sunderwight]

Shang Qinghua strikes me as the type who would only pursue a particular cultivation skill if it had some utility to making his everyday life easier or some specific task more doable, not even register that he'd achieved anything impressive with his cultivation in the process, and then carry on firm in the belief that this is a normal skill that every other cultivator has probably already acquired. Because if it's useful, why wouldn't they?

Like he thinks cultivation is cool and all, but (as can be evidenced by some of his writing choices) he's not really interested in it for its own sake. So everything he chooses to pursue has a reason. Usually that reason is "letting him be done with this tedious task so that he can possibly scrape together some free time, or at least more time to do other tasks."

This is why, despite sword arts being very cool and dashing and all, Shang Qinghua doesn't really bother learning a lot of swordsmanship or fighting skills. There are pretty few situations where wielding a sword is useful, most of those situations are ones which Shang Qinghua doesn't want to be involved in, and nearly all of his martial siblings are better at and more interested in fighting anyway.

He knows that martial prowess is popular and attractive, but it's boring. Sword drills? Dull as hell. There's a reason he came up with a super cursed sword that let his protagonist immediately win almost any fight, with consequences that just led to more interesting drama or conflicts to write about. His fight scenes were at least as boring and repetitive as his sex scenes, let's be real.

The end result is that Shang Qinghua's cultivation is probably deeply weird.

Like he's done muscle-reinforcement but not for combat, it's so that if he needs to he can literally pick up a recalcitrant ox and move it. He mastered inedia because remembering to eat and finding a moment to do it during An Ding's inventory week was harder. He introduced flying carpets to the setting after he transmigrated because figuring out how to transport items on some compatible spiritual device that was bigger than a sword blade, and could thus hold like a chest of goods or baskets of supplies, was way too convenient to pass up. He has selective knowledge of various skills, like alchemy, medicine, smithing, etc, things that are usually only brought up at the master level (thanks to his author knowledge cheat) but he doesn't know most of the basics of those skills, and he only deploys his knowledge for like, hyper specific tasks largely unrelated to the field.

He probably drives Mu Qingfang and Wei Qingwei crazy because he'll drop expert niche knowledge that they know is expert niche knowledge into a random discussion out of the blue, but then can't actually sustain a conversation about it because he doesn't know all the usual accompanying information. Mu Qingfang counting slowly backwards from ten because somehow Shang Qinghua knows that a super rare tonic made from a believed-to-be-extinct plant can bestow temporarily telekinesis to those who imbibe it, but doesn't know anything else about the medicinal uses of the plant, the history of the tonic, or other tonics that can achieve similar results with varying side-effects. But he knows what this one hyper-specific thing will do and he knows, very very vaguely, how to make it. Somehow.

Which would be less weird if it was just one thing, because people do pick up odd bits of knowledge or skills from unexpected places now and again. But it happens all the time. Seemingly at complete random! He also, as said, doesn't just do it with knowledge but with skills. No idea of basic leveling up, Shang Qinghua singles out what he wants from a process and then just does enough to get it and skips everything else that usually goes with it.

I bet he's like thirty before it comes to light that he has no idea how to actually do basic meditation, or something, and Yue Qingyuan does that thing where he smiles placidly while dying inside because how? Shang-shidi is a peak lord! How does a peak lord not know how to meditate properly?!

(In Shang Qinghua's defense, meditating involves spending a lot of time just focusing on one's self and not doing anything else, and he is a busy man! And he actually has mastered a form of meditation, but it's a kind Cang Qiong doesn't usually teach and that you do while also performing repetitive tasks. Usually those repetitive tasks are things like "repeatedly punching the exact same spot on a tree until the tree topples" but Shang Qinghua's are more like "reviewing a thousand nearly identical requisition forms and eating melon seeds at a steady rate" type stuff. When other people expect him to meditate he just sits quietly for a minute until they leave.)

#svsss #shang qinghua #airplane shooting towards the sky #scum villain's self saving system #scum villain

[noxtivagus]

i'll succeed with everything. definitely.

#🌙.vent #last one fr then i think i have enough energy to fix my account. bcs. i don't really care. anymore. gna gaslight myself into being fine 🤍 #smiling felt painful earlier but oh well! this is stupid anyways i shldn't think too much. this is so stupid #i have so much thoughts but yk what i will stop writing n force myself to do wtvr the fuck n yh fuck everything i'll stop overthinking i'll #just be myself. i thrive the most when i just be myself <3.. no wait i was gen doing a bit better but every time i think back n. 🥹 it Hurts #but. why the hell am i letting these stupid things bring me down. i've never really been the type to hide or bring myself down or. yeah #i shouldn't think too much on it all i know eventually i'll always succeed :< that said tho i am rlly v tired i just wna be invisible #for a while. see what'll happen if i just disappear or cut myself off from the world. if anything wld change if i'll be 'gone' in some way #but no that's bad n destructive behavior i Shouldn't but sometimes when i get stressed enough i lack any care to. stop myself maybe. but. #i made promises to myself. a lot of promises to myself in my past n to my future that. i won't do anything i'll regret. holding unto tmrrw. #the future. holding unto that sense of hope has kept me alive. even if i'll always be full of regret and disappointment i want to live to #to love and to succeed and to be free and to. fight the world & find my freedom in reality. thats hard for me n i probably dont deserve it #maybe that's precisely why i'll forge on ahead. to prove that wrong. to be kind to the other part of me that has kept me alive #it sucks bcs while. like i just said i don't think i deserve certain things. at heart i know my main truth wld be that ik i'm deserving #bcs i'm human too :< but both ends r just intense in my head n when times r draining it gets harder to. yeah #idk what i'm writing anymore but no matter how hard it gets i need to succeed. i need to improve i need something better #i'll work hard enough so i could be at peace. have freedom in my own way. 'fly' as i'm meant to and as i've always wished to #that said though ik i'll succeed in terms of several of my passions but when it comes to people.... i always feel like i fail there T_T #every time i'm distant i'm aware of how it affects me negatively but then i try to deny it at times bcs 'i just need myself blah blah' #surely i can't be weak for. wtvr but like. all that is smth that is not up to me. trying that w how i oft feel i don't belong in this world #i can't help but think that there'll always be better ppl than me for others. not that i think low of myself but its hard to feel i 'fit in #? it's a lonely world for me n i still can relate w others n socialize n wtvr n all but it just hurts. this is stupid :c thoughts like #'my friends wld be better off without me' or 'i dont contribute much anyways' & 'not much would change if i'll be gone' hurt me bcs #i do want to believe that i'm loved & cared for too in this world but.. it hurts its one of my weakest points. a hell i can't escape. #but i'm fine with it. it's my fault. my mind's fault. idk i live in my own lil world most of the time n i feel too different from others #so it's always been hard for me to reach out since i don't think it would be particularly wanted from me but i do love helping others #unconditionally n. my family's always been here from the start i can always trust them. fuck my old friends though i have trust issues #i'm working on that n i know all i shld technically fix w myself but it's easier said than done n. genuinely i rlly want to improve. #but i wonder if i'm too harsh n perfectionistic about it. making it counterintuitive. sigh. idk what i'm writing anymore i'm a mess #i'm fine. when i'm stressed n overwhelmed it's just v easy for me to lose sight of myself. i'll be fine i think soon. just need to remember