#anyways rant over. if anyone else has had a similar experience or has advice i’d love to hear it

[frenchibi]

A rant-essay about The Witcher books (and comparison to the show)

((after having read book one, and started into a good chunk of book two.))

Proceed at your own discretion, there will be a lot of frustration and swearing. Also, spoilers for basically the entirety of the Netflix show. Also, there is discussion of sexual assault and objectification and lots and lots of sexism.

The structure of my rant is as follows (because yes I structured it):

 1. Things that I enjoyed in the books

1.1 Geralt talks more

1.2 Geralt and Jaskier have a better relationship

1.3 The fairy tale theme

2. Things that made me want to scream

2.1 Geralt (is not a good character)

2.2 Yennefer (deserves better)

2.3 Jaskier's sexism (Netflix!Jaskier would NEVER)

2.4 Female Characters; Sexy Fantasy That Fucks (it's bad)

2.5 Narrative devices and structure (it’s bad)

3. Bonus: Why the audiobook grinds my gears

Total length: 4k words :’) Click to proceed.

(So, we’re doing this? I think forty likes is sufficient general interest, so... okay. Obligatory disclaimer here: This Is My Opinion. However, I am not fabricating any of the… grounds for my opinion, it is based on the content of the books, that I read, and which are broadly available, so anyone can read them and see for themselves. Personally, I would not recommend the experience, and below I will detail the reasons why. If, like I was, you’re hesitant about reading them, this essay might sway your decision either way. You might go “oh thanks op now I know I won’t like it” or “huh I think I wanna see this for myself because you’re yelling a lot”. It’s all equally valid. Anyway, let’s proceed with “things I enjoyed”.)

1.1 Geralt talks more Geralt in the books is a bit of a mess as far as characterization goes - but I don't hate that he's less stoic here and less... idk, arrogant/superior towards humans than he is in the show. He talks to people, engages with them, discloses opinions and thoughts and… it's a good look. We even get several pages of monologue from him at one point (because he is talking to a priestess who has taken a vow of silence, but I’ll take it – the books in general have a monologue/structure problem which I will address in 2.5) which is way more than the show ever provided us with. I’d like to say it gives us an insight into the character but maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, see below (2.1).

 1.2 Geralt and Jaskier have a better relationship

Geralt and Jaskier are FRIENDS. And I mean that literally the first thing we hear Geralt say about Jaskier in canon in book one is "of course I want to see him, he's my friend". Which - Netflix!Geralt could NEVER and I'm salty about it. Jaskier in the books has his own problems (2.3) but I still think he's my favorite overall, he's fun and Geralt genuinely enjoys his company. They travel together and ENJOY it, they joke, they reminisce and it is Good. Netflix, take notes.

 1.3 The fairy tale theme

This gets lost in the Netflix adaptation altogether but. The idea in the books is that all these monsters that Geralt encounters are dark twists on fairy tales and I'm HERE FOR IT. Renfri is literally Snow White But Badass. Cinderella, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin’s stories are mentioned in passing, and other ideas that are explored here have fairy tale elements, e.g. slaying the dragon. It's cool, but apparently the story loses this aspect in later volumes so I guess it makes sense that the show decided to omit it. Still a bummer tho bc I liked that.

 So. Now on to Things that made me want to Scream, which is what we’re all really here for.

2.1 Geralt (is not a good character)

Geralt, oh Geralt, I wish you weren't such an obvious Mary Sue, Saviour™ and thinly veiled Jesus allegory. Geralt is always, ALWAYS right and it pisses me the fuck off. Geralt gets all the women he wants with NO PROMPTING and it makes me angry. Geralt always has the last laugh in every and any situation. Geralt is always smarter and more powerful than the Idiot Humans. Geralt ignores advice and suffers no consequences for it. Geralt has no well-thought out character, no consistency - he just is the "main character" and "hero" that the story needs - if the story needs him to be smart, he is, if it needs him to make a mistake, he does - he has no AGENCY and it’s BORING. Why am I supposed to care about him, exactly? Because the plot tells me to, and because everyone else is framed like an idiot in comparison and you’re supposed to like strong and smart characters. Cool. Bleh.

 2.2 Yennefer (deserves better)

Strap in, because this is the longest part.

Yennefer in the books is… a badass (but sexy) until the plot needs her to be a damsel (but sexy). She also occasionally has one (1) other character trait and that trait is Crazy Bitch.

I’ll admit I was not her biggest fan after the show (I didn’t really connect with her that much after she became vindictive™, though I gotta say her role in the last battle was Very Cool) but in the wake of what I have read so far, I have decided to AGGRESSIVELY STAN because she fucking. Deserves better. Oh my GOD it makes me so angry. Here’s how I think her character creation probably went:

"Ok so here we have Geralt, who is a badass, and So Cool, and he could have any Female he desires. But his Female can't be inferior and giggly and vapid like literally all other women - she needs to be the ideal fantasy Fantasy.

First: she needs powers. So we'll make her a Cool Sorceress! And more powerful than the other sorceresses because Geralt deserves the BEST. But also, he needs to be able to be Cooler and save her so she needs to be (like all females are, because they are inferior) emotionally volatile and vulnerable, and Geralt will also be the only one who gets to see that Vulnerability because Geralt has the biggest dick is her love interest. So she will be weak around him because he's just so hung wonderful.

Secondly, she needs a believable weakness (besides being too emotional because all women are too emotional), and as we all know, women have one purpose: to bREED. But not Yennefer - oh no, Yennefer is (wait for it, this is the dramatic backstory, hold your breath) broken, she's BARREN, USELESS AND EMPTY AND SHE HATES HERSELF FOR IT!!!!!

*pause for dramatic effect*

I know right that's so SEXY

[This is the point where I’m like… this might, possibly, maybe, under very different circumstances have been a compelling storyline if the author had ever consulted a woman. Or, you know, if the story was written by a woman. This is objectification and fetishization of the worst kind and I hate it. The show has this element too and it’s bad there too but it’s nowhere near as pronounced as in the books. Anyway-]

Speaking of sexy - obviously Yennefer is the sexiest of all the women Geralt has ever encountered. And because I, as the author, am aware that's unrealistic, I will drop in YET ANOTHER PIECE OF DRAMATIC BACKSTORY: She used to be a HUNCHBACK!!! *air horns* I KNOW RIGHT OH MY GOD and now she made herself SEXY with MAGIC because YOU KNOW ALL WOMEN WANT TO BE OBJECTIFIED BY MEN!!! SEXY FANTASY THAT FUCKS!!!!

[also? This is revealed to Geralt (and the reader) not by her telling him, or by a flashback, but because he "sees that she has the eyes of a hunchback". I can’t even begin to state how much I hate this.]

Anyway every time she shows up it will be mentioned how shapely her legs and breasts are and how young she looks despite the fact that she must be Old. She will turn heads and men will scorn her because she is too pretty and not interested in them and men hate anything that has any amount of sexual power or agency. but not Geralt, no, because he gets to fuck her at the end of the day so he's the only one who doesn't objectify her out loud. (but he does in his internal monologue. hooray.)

Also, to emphasize this point, we will have a side character sexually violate her while Geralt is tied up because that is The New Hotness™"

And if that wasn't enough, she as a character subscribes to what is known as "Female Hysteria For No Reason" and will become a Woman Scorned over absolutely nothing if the plot needs her to be angry.

The plot regarding her relationship with Geralt is also a bit different - in the show, she gets angry once she finds out Geralt's third wish ties them together (whether this is justified may be subjective - except yeah, no, she’s absolutely right, Geralt what the fuck??). In the book, she hears his wish as he makes it because MAGIC and is somehow SUPER INTO IT because this author has never met a human woman before.

...and then I need to complain about the storyline with the dragon. Because, you will remember, in the show, she gets angry and storms off after learning of the third wish, but that can’t be the case because she already knows about it in the books, right?

Well.

 The story in the books goes like this:

Six years ago, after one of their affairs™ Geralt leaves without waking Yennefer (but like. Leaves her flowers instead) and admittedly that's kind of rude but also like... ok. That doesn’t seem too strange a thing for Geralt to do. Maybe he just wanted to let her rest? Anyway.

They don't meet for six years, in which Geralt idk... idly misses her or something, and Yennefer develops a deep lasting hatred based on her abandonment issues…? (I am. grasping. there's no good reason if this relationship is as casual to both of them as they have made it sound, but she is SUPER MAD because the plot needs her to be ANGERY).

So with his backdrop, cue the search for the dragon. Geralt is like "eh I'll join them. I have nowhere better to be, also Jaskier is here and he's not boring so ok" and then he hears Yennefer will also be there and goes "oh well all the better, haven't seen her in a while"

And when he follows her to her tent to greet her, she spits verbal FIRE at him and is like "bitch you're lucky i didn't gouge your fucking EYES out" and other lovely statements of a similar calibre, and Geralt just stands there and takes it and tells her he missed her.

which implies either a) he knows what he did and he thinks he deserves this, or b) he has done nothing wrong in his own eyes and this is just "bitch crazy" to be ignored. It is heavily implied to be b), because, in our third person POV narrative, we get NO REMORSE from him, no indication as to what he thinks about this whole thing Yennefer is accusing him of, nothing at all in terms of emotional response to her. Cool. She yells at him and then storms of, and he just… idk, shrugs I guess?

So, they travel, Yennefer is Icy Bitch Queen but also everyone hates her and insults her to an absurd degree (see above, she's Too Sexy and Powerful and also like, a Woman) and she takes it without saying anything back but it's obvious that everyone's trash talk is affecting her (so it’s obvious that at some point she will be Vulnerable again). Jaskier, who seems to have no personal grudge against her at this point in the books, joins in the teasing because he's there to make fun of everyone I guess? (boy.) No deeper malice from him than from anyone else though.

And then, for drama, the party reaches a narrow bridge. They’re debating whether or not it is safe to cross with all their supplies and then BAM! there's a landslide so they have no choice. The events go like this:

- Geralt lets the others cross first. Right as he wants to cross, he hears Yennefer yell because her horse fell over, because of course it did

- Geralt abandons his own means of escape to go help her up, and then she proceeds to save his ass because SHE HAS FUCKING MAGIC THERE WAS NO POINT IN YOU GOING TO SAVE HER YOU FUCKER she just makes a shield so nothing hits them and they stumble to the bridge

- they get caught on the bridge as it collapses, and of course Yennefer is the one who falls first, and he catches her, so they're both hanging there and he's holding on to her suspended over this. Canyon or whatever.

- Jaskier, from above, yells to the others to get a rope to help pull them up but they respond to "wait until the bitch has fallen, then we'll pull the witcher up"

which. wow. but ok.

Yennefer can barely hold on, and HERE is where Geralt asks her to forgive him for… his wrongdoings…? (you know, can't have her die with a grudge, I guess? Or whatever?) He's like "Yen, forgive me" and she says "NEVER"

((and also, she has consistently kept telling him to stop calling her Yen (which he first started when they started... having Relations™ so obviously now it has bad memories attached to it for her), which he blatantly ignores because her feelings don't matter))

In the end, Jaskier gets the others to help despite their reluctance and hatred of Yennefer and they travel on. Yennefer's back to being Ice Queen - and then they find the dragon. Some fucker tries to fight it alone and gets injured. Yennefer is in charge of healing this dude, and so she ends up alone with Geralt in a tent – where she asks him to double-cross everyone else and kill the dragon himself (after telling them all she would cooperate with them) - "for me. I want the dragon, Geralt, for myself. All of it. I don't want to share. Kill it for me" and then explains that not all is lost because with certain parts of the dragon, SOMEONE CAN CURE HER BARRENNESS and i want to launch myself into the fucking sun

Geralt is like "uhhhh"

she says "on the bridge, you asked for my forgiveness- if you do this, I'll forgive you"

and then HE GOES "well, that no longer matters to me. I'm over it now" which hsadjlkfhsajdklfhsajkldfhaskdfsj I cannot begin to impart to you how many levels of “UGH” I felt at the predictable reversal of roles because he can’t ACTUALLY have to apologize to her – it’s HER who has to apologize to HIM for being an irrational Female

and now SHE'S all like. quivering lip and wanting him back or whatever and I am SICKENED that SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO GROVEL NOW BECAUSE THE PLOT CANNOT HAVE GERALT EVER MAKE A MISTAKE AND OWN TO IT?!?

Thanks, I hate it.

 Oh and I almost forgot in all my rage about that storyline – when we first meet her, we learn that Yennefer apparently doesn’t “bother with the whalebone [i.e. corset] nonsense other women use” (literal quote from the book) so I guess her tits are magic???

This just in, if she needs boob support SHE’S A THOT, if your knockers don’t stand on their own you’re INFERIOR and NOT DESIRABLE, GTFO.

 2.3 Jaskier’s sexism (Netflix!Jaskier would never)

Jaskier, you have been done dirty.

It could have been so cool too - Jaskier in the books is witty and likeable and makes friends wherever he goes because everyone likes a bard?? Also he's really smart and knowledgeable because "a bard needs to know about many things" which is SO VALID??? And Geralt trusts him and cares about his opinion??? And also it's clear Jaskier likes Geralt, not just for the purpose of writing ballads about him, but because they're old friends, they've travelled together a lot - yes, their relationship is good here, regardless of your shipping preferences. (Also, he wears a hat with a large feather on it, which is how Geralt recognizes him in crowds, and it's amazing and hilarious.)

HOWEVER.

Jaskier treats women terribly. At his first introduction, he literally gropes a priestess (and then makes fun of the high priestess for chastising him for it). He sees women very much as objects to be… maybe not “won” but, well, persuaded, which makes him a tiny bit better than most of the other men, who are basically straight-up rapists. But then there's the scene with Yennefer which. Made everything turn sour tbh. It goes like this:

Yennefer wants to go after the dragon alone (see above), but before she can get Geralt to do it for her and double-cross everyone, she's overwhelmed by some of the other men in the party and they're all tied up (Jaskier, Geralt, some other pacifist sorcerer who is around, and Yennefer). And one of the men, who hates her for her (sexual) power, rips open her blouse and exposes her and assaults her while she screams, so then he gags her. And then when he’s done he walks away and leaves her exposed. Geralt looks away after she screams at him not to stare (wow, points for chivalry, the standard is literally So Low - also his justification for obeying her wishes is that he’s already seen her boobs so it’s not a big deal to him anymore) but Jaskier shamelessly stares at her even after she makes it absolutely clear she does not consent to ANY of this and has no choice because SHE IS TIED UP, and he even jokes that he'll write a ballad about her perfect breasts. And I'm over here like.... no. no, no, no, no, no. Jaskier deserved better characterization and Yennefer deserves a better fucking franchise.

 2.4 Female characters; Sexy Fantasy That Fucks (it’s bad)

I have touched a lot on this already so I'll try to be brief, but. Ugh.

Sexy Fantasy That Fucks™ is practically a legit genre and sadly a lot of semi-progressive fantasy falls into this category - where we have moved on from having only like one or two named female character (see: LotR) to having several, and look, they can even fight, but only as long as they're aggressively sexually attractive to men while they do it. Poor Harley Quinn suffered the same treatment in Suicide Squad - The Male Gaze Filter.

Here in the books it goes like this: Oh look, “vaguely tribal” women who fight - but they're also the most overtly sexual and involved in a canon off-screen orgy with Geralt and an older (practically old) man and are portrayed as Perpetually Horny. Oh look, Yennefer, a badass sorceress who falls apart when Geralt so much as looks her way because Geralt is so fucking great I guess. Then there’s the 14-year-old striga princess who needs to be described, once her curse is lifted, with emphasis to her “perky breasts”. SHE'S FOURTEEN. And there’s the young priestesses, who are subtly flattered by Jaskier's direct "advances" because, you know, they've dedicated their lives to serving a goddess but understandably they just WANT TO FUCK™.

There is a single female character who is not sexualized - the head priestess, Nenneke. She's described as fat and old (and wise though, throw her a bone). Geralt respects her because of her wisdom but that's it - she has a Use™. And also, he ignores her advice in the end anyway. Pity she wasn't more beautiful I guess. I am Sickened.

 2.5 Narrative devices and structure (it’s bad)

Now, we get to the bones of the thing. There's... one main thing that really bothers me and that's a CLASSIC - the fact that this author prefers to have action explained to the reader through monologues by characters that inexplicably have All The Information, rather than have us, you know, experience the action first hand. There are a couple of fight scenes of Geralt vs A Monster, sure, but that's all we get - everything else is told to us through monologues. (and yes it's still a monologue even if Geralt interrupts to say "go on" or "get to the point". It's not really a dialogue if the other person is only being expositioned at. Now Geralt just looks impatient and annoying.) Even the short story format (of the first two books) is explained this way: the individual short stories are monologues within conversations in the base timeline, explaining to the reader (and to Nenneke in the narrative proper) backstories and how characters met.

Which... it's a choice? It makes more sense than the show with it’s wack-ass timeline with absolutely no conext. But like. Why can't you have us at least discover the respective monster through someone else's POV though? I get that we're always staying with Geralt because Geralt is oh so great, but rather than have some Constable explain to him for like twelve pages how the princess (who is, without any intrigue, an incest-princess - this is not a mystery, everybody is aware of this at the beginning of the story and freely provides this information without prompting) became a striga and how many people she has killed and what people say she looks like and how to allegedly cure her - can’t we see that shit happen? Like... ok, thanks? I hate it. The show did this better.

 3. Bonus: why the audiobook grinds my gears

Last and definitely least - the audiobook is BAD (but I don't want to buy physical copies, and my library won't have the English version because I live in Germany, so I guess I'm stuck with it). The guy who reads it is Bad At Reading Out Loud because his emphasis/cadence is incredibly unnatural (also regrettably all the books are read by the same guy) and his pronunciation of names (most notably Jaskier, who is called Dandelion in the English version of the books) is inconsistent??? He started out by (correctly) calling him dandelion in book 1 and now has changed to pronouncing it dandelion, like the flower, which is not how you say his name (and... no offense if he’d started out that way because I, too, thought that was how you said it just from reading the word - but he says it CORRECTLY in the first book and then changes it to the wrong pronunciation in book two so I’m confused?? How does that happen?)

Also - different accents for different characters are only a good idea if a) you're good at accents and b) they aren't overtly connoted? Like. Don't give a guy in a fantasy setting a bad russian accent??? Also what part of Geralt as a character made you think SCOTTISH???? Oof.

And another thing - these little descriptors after direct speech? They MATTER.

"Don't touch me," Yennefer hissed

and

"Don't touch me," Yennefer screamed

are two very different sentences and should be read as such. You can't just. Say "Don't touch me" seductively and then add "she yelled". That's not how voice acting works. Please, pLEASE I'M SUFFERING. I was already struggling enough with some of the content of the books and now you’re making consuming them really difficult and irritating :’) Oof.

 In conclusion – I don’t even know. I was mad and now I’m tired.

  Anyway, all this to say – I didn’t hate every aspect of the books. I will keep reading (in my case listening) because I’m stupid, I apparently love to suffer and I am, thanks to the show, invested in the storyline and want to know what happens. But I will most certainly keep complaining about them because that’s the only way to make this fun for myself. And are you not entertained?!

Who knows. Maybe stuff will get better.

Take from this post what you will, and if it’s only my personal hypocrisy then that’s fine. I hope you had a nice day – I’m gonna go make myself some tea to calm down. And I’ll have you know that despite what you may have heard, I have never worn a bra in my life, because I’m not like other girls.

#The Witcher #The Witcher netflix #The witcher books #Geraskier #Geralt x Yennefer #Geralt of Rivia #Jaskier #yennefer of vengerberg #French speaks #am I worried about posting a possibly controversial opinion on the internet? yes #am I going to do it anyway? also yes #or should I say #and yet here we are

[killian-whump]

But "carrying a show" also refers to being a lead character and main cast member, which Jen qualifies as. Same as Colin, as Bobby, as Lana, or Ginny. I remember remarks about carrying a show from back in the X Files days. But it wasn't Gillian putting herself above David, it was just about how it is to play a main, key role in a show. I was at the panel, and that's how what Jen said sounded to me. But despite other context for "carrying" a show, the usual crowd is slandering and demonizing her.

Forgive me, I’m gonna answer all your other Asks in one post :) I would’ve gotten the other one in here, too, but I thought it was a solo ask when I first opened my box to it.

Honestly, Nonny, I want to believe you on this, but the only times I’ve ever heard the phrase used the way you’re saying is when, say, David Duchovny LEFT The X-Files and people spoke of how Gillian would have to “carry” the show on her own, because she was the only lead left. Uses like that could be non-insulting, but I honestly have NEVER heard anyone talk about “carrying” a show without implying (or straight out saying) that their co-stars either didn’t carry their own weight or they were (as above) literally GONE or unable to for some reason.

I just find it hypocritical that the small band of uglies going after Jen for this, and that twist anything she does, never batted an eye at the multiple fan pieces that Lana's promoted, boasting her as the one carrying ouat, the only good thing about it, the only reason for it's success, and laughed at those who found it disrespectful and egotistic. But Jen does what could be CONSTRUED (cuz like I said, "carrying a show" has another meaning) as similar, and she's bad? And THEY get to be mad? No

Okay, let’s not call people “uglies” Nonny. I’m certainly not one, anyway - and I don’t think you are, either. So let’s not use that kind of term about everybody who finds fault with what Jen (may have) said. I’m sure some of them DO have agendas, but some may just be people who genuinely think she may have said something out of line. Also, I gotta say, there’s a big difference between retweeting an article where someone ELSE says that sort of thing and saying that sort of thing, yourself. I’m being honest with you, my friend, I would think it was a pretty uncalled for remark no matter who on the cast said it. And that even includes Colin. I’d be horribly disappointed if I heard he said he “carried” Once - or ANY of his other projects. I’d probably fucking cry, haha, because I’m a complete and utter idiot. But ANYWAY...

It's frustrating, and it's hateful, and it's unfair. It's also ragingly hypocritical. The same people twisting and whining about what Jen said are the same people who positively crow with admiration when Lana retweets an article singing her praises, that throws every one of her co-stars, the writing team, and Adam and Eddy under the bus. I mean wtf? Lana didn't carry the show. No one person did. So for Jen to be bashed by those who give their fave's arrogance and disrespect a pass is just absurd

I totally get how you feel. Honestly? Part of my anger if Colin said something like that WOULD be anger at the people slamming him for it, because people can be SO nasty about this kind of thing. They forget that celebrities are REAL PEOPLE and sometimes they make mistakes, too. I mean, how could they NOT? They’re in the public eye so often, they’re bound to make a totally human mistake at SOME point when cameras are rolling or a microphone is shoved in their face. And people can be SO unfairly MEAN about it. It’s one thing to criticize, but I DO agree with you that some people go too far and are too nasty about the things they say. Honestly, I’d advise you NOT to engage with people who are being unfair, because they’re NOT going to magically BE fair because you call them out on it. They’re just going to fight with YOU... and then continue being unfair once they’re done with you. Your best bet is to IGNORE them and MUTE them and try not to let it get YOU down.

I'm sorry I'm ranting, but this is fucking upsetting. I don't like Lana, for several reasons, her seemingly egotistical dismissiveness of her co-stars talents and contributions among them, and I have been shouted at, called names, doxxed, and had my intelligence belittled by her fans for it - some of the very same fans going after Jen right now (even some you follow). But it's okay for Lans, and they get to be pissed about something that has another meaning, when I couldn't be? How is that fair?

No, it’s okay, Nonny. You’re being nice and respectful for the most part (and hey, we’ll forget about calling people “uglies” ;)), so I don’t mind listening to your thoughts and responding to them. It sounds like this whole thing is really hard on you, and I can understand that. I’m glad you felt you COULD rant to me about this, because it seems like you needed to get it off of your chest.

As for Lana’s fans... Well, as I said above, I don’t recommend calling people out and inviting further arguments, but I understand how frustrating it can be when people ignore the stuff THEIR fave does and belittle YOUR fave for doing the same. I mean, I can’t completely relate, because Colin is a Perfect Angel in every possible way (kidding! just a little levity to make you smile :)), but I do understand.how frustrating it can be. I really wish I had some better advice for you than to ignore it and try not to let it bother you, but really... that’s all I’ve got. By replying, by fighting, by calling it out - you’re AMPLIFYING it. It gets more notice, more attention, the more people engage in it and with it, so only AMPLIFY the things you want to SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE.

Honestly? That’s what I try to do, myself - and I’m not sure who it is you think I’m following that is going after Jen, because my dashboard doesn’t have anything like that on it. I’m VERY choosy about who I follow, and it’s generally only people who post either 100% Colin content or 100% Whump content - and never anyone who posts drama or real life stuff without TAGS so I can block it. I have OCD, and RL or fandom drama when I’m not ready for it can trigger a rumination spell that can go for hours. NOT pleasant! Anyway, I recommend you consider culling your own dashboard (AND muting people on Twitter, if you’re on there!) and taking control of your social media experience. Trust me, the trolls will do just fine without you watching over them... and YOU will do SO much better without seeing what they’re up to!

Anyway, Nonny, I honestly feel for you, but you might have to accept in this case that Jen miiiiiiiiight’ve said something a little naff and kiiiiiiiinda invited a lot of criticism. I’ve seen different positive and negative spins on what she said, but most people seem to agree it WAS said - and, well, I’m just being honest with you, I think she shouldn’t have gone anywhere NEAR that wording with a ten foot pole ;) But that’s okay!!! She’s only human, and people will forget about it as soon as the next drama comes up (which will probably be in a day or two, let’s be real). So keep your chin up and try to be positive! This, too, shall pass!

#fandom drama #off topic #anonymous #kw ask box

[loverdreams]

Dearest @taylorswift

I’m writing you this because I need some friend/sisterly advice as I do not have anyone to really talk to, and you, although having only met you on one (exceptionally marvellous) occasion are the closest person to this i’ve got, despite you not knowing me at all. I’m really bad at using tumblr, but I figured, why not? What do I have to lose? ( @taylornation if you see this, please pass it on. I love you guys so much.)

In short, I think I may have messed up my application for my master’s degree. I’m graduating this coming July from university for my undergraduate degree and want to go to a different university for graduate school, for my master’s degree. All my life, I’ve loved writing. Majority of the time when I speak, I stutter or words/thoughts get jumbled out in my brain or I speak without fully comprehending the sentence i’m about to say. I don’t know if it’s a speech disability or not, but I hate it so much. It makes me feel so insecure and sometimes when I’m trying to speak to people I get visibly angry with myself because I can’t get the words out properly or speak properly. With that said, writing has always been my saving grace. I write about my experiences, mostly through short stories, novels, or poems. Ever since I was a little girl (my childhood experience is quite traumatic) I always knew I had writing, I had a form of expression. I always got picked on (especially by my family) because I was always reading books or trying to write my own novels. Words are so powerful and have the ability to affect numerous people, the way I am affected by your lyrics and many authors’ different novels. It is my dream to do something like that, to make something remarkable out of words, to communicate and entertain, to relate to someone else whether it be fictional or non. The reason I’m reaching out, is because if I did mess up on this application, this means I won’t get into my program. It’s not the worse case scenario, I could take a year off and work like a large amount of people do, but school has always been my life, what i’m good at. I took no breaks from pre-school until this year, where I graduate from my final year of my undergrad. Creative Writing isn’t seen as a big thing, in fact throughout my 4 years here I’ve only had the option of taking a creative writing class once. This is why this program is my dream.

From age 13 until I left for university at age 18/19, my life had been a traumatic mess. From ties to an emotionally abusive family and bullying, an abusive girlfriend (sexually and emotionally), taking care of my younger siblings while my mom was depressed and my father emotionally abused her, to becoming a target myself and spiralling downward with major depression, self harm, suicide attempts and an eating disorder that nearly stopped my heart altogether, it’s been hard. It was only within the last two years that I was able to finally learn how to cope and move forward with my life. (You were a big part of keeping me alive. I said this to you without details the night of the Rhode Island Secret Session (#2) and i’d still really love to tell you everything one day, maybe over coffee or something?)  I saw a therapist this past summer who finally helped me after being on waiting lists for all those years. I learned tools to better cope. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn enough to keep me grounded. It’s heartbreaking because I finally found something all these years later that helped me, but paying nearly $200-250 per session was something I couldn’t afford, and can’t again. I only got to go about 5 times. But this isn’t the point.

My point is, because I don’t have these tools to help myself move on from everything, I consistently hold myself back. I let things affect me to the point where my reaction is similar to feelings I got when i was in that downward spiral. I recognize it’s not right, or healthy, but it’s just so programmed in me and I couldn’t stay in therapy long enough to learn exactly how to change. It’s something i’m consistently trying to work on, to get the money to further go to these sessions (therapy, I mean), to further communicate with this wonderful therapist. My question(s) to you, in the meantime, is: how do I not give up? how do I continue trying to reach my goals? How do I stay focused, grounded? What do I do when my dreams feel unattainable and hopeless? How did you do it, especially after the past couple years?

In conclusion, I do absolutely adore you. I have this really lame dream that one day we could actually be friends. I’d be the mundane friend who’s trying to make her way through school and get a good career in Toronto, and you’d be the successful supportive best friend I've never had (I don’t know why I can’t seem to find my person), and we’d text and meet up whenever you came to toronto and have slumber parties and life chats and all that kind of stuff. It’s so far fetched, but can you blame me? I’m a writer after all. I don’t particularly like having a fan account because fans are often considered crazy and obsessed, but i’m different because I only do this stuff so I can find someone I can relate to, to find an actual best friend because i don’t have one. Plus, you’re interactive with fans (which I definitely am). I’m a fan, but not one that follows your every moves. I’m one that supports, recognizes you are an actual human being and although i love you and your music, you’re my friend over anything else even if you don’t know me, and i’d rather hype you up and support you over what’s right than comment on your every move.

Anyway, this is my giant rant. As usual, you’re forever killing it and you have my endless, endless support always. If you ever do see this, and want to either read my work or be friends, you are always welcome to reach out like you’ve done before.

Lots of love,

Jessie <3

#taylor swift #taylor nation #dear taylor #ts #reputation