YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND—
— co-parenting with alonso has been smooth sailing, until he starts dropping hints that he wants to be with you again
P7 ★ WHEN IN DOUBT, BLAME ALPINE
amgf ahhh it's sad, but we're getting there, because all things must come to an end. honestly i had a hard time writing this because how do i end things and let go of them? it's a struggle really but we work with it. like always, enjoy this chapter 👍
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You stand still, silence surrounding the kitchen. There were no more words left to say, as they all left your mouth in utter silence. You watch Ales' from the baby monitor set on the kitchen island, sleeping in peace— content, calm, without a worry of the world.
You'd do everything for your son, you'd do anything for this family, and what Alonso did— you couldn't let it pass by you.
The familiar squeak of the front door hinges swept you off your own thoughts. Staring at the tiled walls in the kitchen, you rely on your senses anticipating Fernando as his shadows inch closer to yours.
"Hey."
Jerking from the warm touch of his palms against your cold shoulder. You stand still, Fernando presses his weight on your back, pulling you in an embrace, leaving soft kisses from your neck trailing down to your shoulders. You sigh in content, hoping and praying to forget as you blissfully ignore the slowly building concerns looming over your head.
"Amor, how was your day?"
You look over the ceiling, biting your lip to alleviate the anger filling up your thoughts. Tongue in cheek, you gather up some form of courage to calmly get through the upcoming conversation without shouting or bursting into tears. You give him the benefit of the doubt though, maybe they were just run of the mill rumors to form clicks for views.
"Have you seen my messages?" You gulp down your sighs, surprised at the shaky tone of your own voice. You wanted more than to be out of this conversation, as the constant feeling bubbling inside you loomed heavier and heavier, waiting in anticipation at the culmination of your emotions, at your poor attempts at keeping them at bay.
"I haven't yet, why? Did you want me to buy something for Ales?" You turn around stopping him from reading your message, wanting to avoid the conversation for a later time, choosing to drown in the burden of your own thoughts.
Fernando was a beat earlier than you— you panic as the smile in his eyes fell at a glance of your message.
"You knew?" Your brows furrowed, fully taking in his words, "I knew? Is it true? Are you racing again?"
Fernando's eyes looked over yours, "Isn't this exciting? I never thought I would have a chance to race again, but they offered and I accepted it."
You stumble backwards, at a loss for words. And slowly, the thoughts clouding in your head were becoming a reality.
Fernando catches your silence and reluctance to the news, pulling away from you, his hands cup the apples of your cheeks leaving you no choice to look at him.
"Are you not happy? This is good isn't it?"
You stare at his eyes, shining in excitement at the thought of racing once more. The idea never even entered your head, you never thought that Fernando would want to get back to racing.
You gulp the bile forming to jump out your throat, nodding your head— not trusting your own words. "Yeah. It's good to be back Fer."
yourusername 11/21/2021
liked by nicorosberg and 21 others
yourusername beach day with uncle nico is a must in monaco
"YN talk to me, why can't we be together? You think I'll just accept this? Explain to me please, tell me where I did you wrong. What did I do? Is this about racing? Again?" Fernando runs to catch you in your shared bedroom, trying to keep up with the pace you set, sliding inside before you ought to close the door on him.
You turn around, mouth hanging wide, "Again? Is that all you think about? Racing? What about our family? You didn't even tell me about your choice, what was I supposed to say to you? You already made the decision for yourself!"
Fernando scoffs at your words, "You should've said you didn't like it! Why are you blaming me for your lack of communication?"
"You're one to talk about communication, you didn't bother telling me, I was blindsided Fer! One second I thought we'd live like a normal family and the next you're back racing every other week and you're leaving us behind!" You throw your hands in frustration and confusion as you try to get your point across to him.
Fernando put his palms up his face, at a loss for words. "Why are you getting ahead of yourself? Are you even listening to what you said? You're my wife for God's sake, we have a son together why would I leave you? It'll just be like before, I will come back to you two."
Fernando rubs your shoulders in an attempt to comfort you, in the hopes you'd understand his concerns.
"You say that, but we've been there already Fer. I single handedly witnessed everything that has happened to you while racing, and with Ales— I don't think I can... I don't think I want to constantly be on the edge of my seat worrying for tomorrow, and what will happen to you on the track."
With the tension up, words were spouted left and right, with no time to think before speaking, the arguments echoed back and forth to each other.
"Oh so you're giving up on us now?"
You scoff at Fernando's words, "Giving up? You did that first when you chose the racing contract over this family!"
Raising his hands, Fernando shouts in anger, "I just wanted to race, is it bad to pursue my passion? I support you in your career, can't I have that as well? It is my choice! At least we didn't get married yet if we're going to be like this then?"
You stand in silence, tears pooling at your eyes, feeling your world stop. In front of you, you watch Fernando shake his head at the realization of his words. "Amor—"
You step away from him, your shaky breaths fill the room clutching your chest, suffocating at your misery. Trying to drown out Fernando's pleas, erasing his words from your head, despite it being etched into every crevice in your head, taking home in your hollow heart.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that— no amount of words can ever make it better. Please say something? Tell me you hate me? Please amor, resent me. Whatever you want I will do."
You watch Fernando wince at your bloodshot eyes, as he reluctantly inches closer to you, afraid you'd leave him, like a glass slowly falling out of his hands. It was far too late now.
You let him in your embrace, knowing very well it would be the last time you'd see him, choosing yourself this time— choosing your son over the family you built together. You let yourself wallow in the last moments of comfort in his arms, because after this it'll just be you.
"Whatever? Then I guess I'm taking Alejandro with me. We're leaving so you can focus on your race. I hope you know that even then and now, I will be waiting. As much as it hurts— this needs to be done. I love you Alonso."
Pushing him away from your embrace, you savor in a last kiss before leaving him alone in the room.
yourusername 6/29/2022
liked by lancestroll and 33 others
yourusername happiest birthday to the light of my life ales. mama and papa love you always, i hope to fill your life with love and laughter.
★ YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND — @namgification @nebarious @minkyungseokie @viennakarma @lxclerc @booksandflowrs @c-losur3 @lichterfee @moonyzsworld @e-nonsense @vicurious28 @dannyriccsupremacy @thearchieves @welovediaaxx @vogueprincess @mael1pastry @khaylin27 @whydowesleepeachnight @iridescent-sol
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these final hours
Summary: When your job becomes too overwhelming, Frank decides enough is enough. A brief conversation reveals that things run deeper than he thought.
----------------------------------------
His verdict comes down one Sunday evening, breaking you from the melancholic stupor you're well into traversing.
"Alright, that's it."
There's a part of you that wants to protest immediately. It's always the first one to make itself known, because it's the one that feels the most fear. No, you cannot just quit your job, no matter the toll it's taking on you. No matter how many people tell you it's making you fade. No matter how little you stand to gain from keeping it up. Because if you do, then - then -
"Don't look at me like that. I said that's enough. You ain't going tomorrow."
There is, however, another part of you: the one that could cry out in sheer relief just by being presented with an out.
You don't even know what it is, exactly. Everyone has to work who was not born fortunate. People have much harder jobs than you do, and they get paid even less. So many struggle to make ends meet. You have neither the long, nor the short straw. The work is completely average, though perhaps below your capabilities. Definitely below your studies - God knows you're not justifying any of those student loans, save for maybe lots of jobs requiring some kind of degree these days. No, you can't quite grasp where all this melancholia with regard to your job originates.
When you really look at your situation, you have to abstain from getting carried away by overwhelming disappointment over how unjustified all this grief seems. Things could be a hell of a lot worse. People go through things at work that render them suicidal, and here you are, on a Sunday night, sad that you have to wake up for your commute.
"Sweetheart, you gotta talk to me. Alright? Can't handle seein' you like this. Nothin's worth it, you hear me? Ain't a goddamn thing in this world worth what this shit does to you."
Frank's hand on your knee makes you immediately tense up. It's instantaneous sensory overload from a simple touch and you can't explain it. It bothers you that you can't explain because it's another thing that's wrong with you. Another overreaction to an inoffensive event.
Before you can move away or even just barely take a breath, the warmth of his skin disappears. You hate the relief that washes over you. Who feels better when someone they love stops being affectionate? You, apparently. Always against the grain.
"You know I'm not making you do anything. Yeah? Need to hear that you know that."
A nod is what you manage, but eye contact has yet to happen. You theorize that if it were to happen, if you were to see him in this moment of wild vulnerability, you'd probably want to run from him and all else in the world.
"You don't have shit to prove to anyone. You included. Can't try to beat yourself into a mold if that mold's just gonna take away all the best parts of you."
Your chest rattles, and you try to keep your breath from becoming a pained gasp.
"You know, just 'cause I read doesn't mean I'm good with words. That's all you. But I'll say whatever I gotta say to get through. I ain't losin' the woman I love to a fucking job. And I sure as shit ain't letting her believe she's gotta do what the world says she's gotta do. Break herself as many times as she has to just to get approval. Can't do shit with approval, I'll tell you that."
Against all odds, words tumble out of you like a knocked over pot of crayons. Sharpness everywhere.
"I fail at - at everything. I haven't done one thing right my whole life. I quit everything I start. Everything - Frank, I can't st-"
An involuntary sob rips straight from your heart.
"I can't stand myself. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of my days not belonging to me. I'm tired of getting nowhere. I'm tired of not having any good reason to be like this. Every day I have to know, I have to wake up and go to sleep and never stop knowing that I am the way that I am. And I wish something would just happen so I don't have to keep-"
It stops. The flow of words you've never said out loud, even to yourself, stops dead. The silence floods the remaining space without delay but it, too, does so fruitlessly.
Frank has heard enough. Enough to know exactly what you've sworn you would protect him from.
"Will you look at me?"
The softest plea. You don't think you've ever witnessed it.
"Need to see it. Yeah? I need to see it in your eyes, what you just said. And then we'll figure it out. But I need to know, sweetheart. Because if I gotta protect you from your own mind, Imma be honest with you - I need different gear."
It's a weak attempt at humor, but not completely unsuccessful. Mostly you just know that Frank means every word. And you know, as your gaze meets his at last, that the part of you that always resists outside help has lost some strength. You're not too far gone to be able to admit that your thoughts have been getting bleaker. It's a newness that scares even you, who's been down this path before. Somewhere, it seems a turn arrived that even you weren't aware you'd taken.
But Frank is nothing if not relentless. There is no road he won't track you down on and no path inaccessible to someone of his determination. You can see it in his eyes, along with the subtlest glimmer. You're making him worry, and when Frank worries, he plans. Ten, maybe twenty steps ahead - which is why he locks away your phone with his guns for the night. It's safe to say you won't have an alarm for tomorrow, and the relief that fact brings isn't unaccompanied by guilt. Frank soothes it with promises and his unique brand of realism - you'll get through everything together, as long as you're honest. No more hiding, no more detours.
You're not sure how good you'll be at it, and when you voice the thought to him, Frank doubles down as he pulls the covers back from the bed and you both slip under them.
"You know what being good at therapy looks like?"
You hum your curiosity.
"Not needing relief anymore. Promise to let me know when we get there. Yeah?"
You press your fragile promise into the skin of his cheek, tucking your head below his chin and wrapping as much of your body around him as possible and, for the first time in weeks, drifting off instead of fighting to sleep.
.
.
.
-fin-
A/N: just a short piece that I hope brings you some comfort if you need it.
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Love your writing!!
Can I request an Adam x Lucifer’s Ex! reader? Reader is basically the same rank as Lucifer was (so he’s the same strength as him too) Basically, they split up after he and Lilith got together and gave Eve the Apple. Reader is extremely depressed about it but then he meets one of the humans from Eden, Adam . And they find solidarity and comfort in going through the same/similar situation.
Lowkey giving that one scene from Steven Universe (No idea if you’ve watched/like SU so, if you’re not sure what I’m talking about, I’ll link it here. (If you want, you can probably just skip to the time stamps or watch all of it, either’s fine, but it starts at 2:33 and ends around 3:11
Spoilers for Steven Universe, if you even care.
https://youtu.be/PnlRR0rX_Q0?feature=shared
(The context for the SU scene is ofc different, but just the overall vibe of it is what I mean.) but just 2 people abandoned by someone who was supposed to be their soulmate (Twice for Adam) and them finding love in each other in the end.
(Like, imagine both the fluff AND angst potential.)
Also!! If/After you write this one, I might request a Part 2 of this with angst for the aftermath of EP.8. (ONLY if you’re ok with it OFC! If not, just tell me in your A/N for this one and I won’t send it!!)
I hope you have a great day!!!! 💙💙
Okay first of all: gimme that EP 8 request right now, I need it soooo badly °^° I haven't seen SU but I've watched the scene you linked and it helped to get the vibe right so much, this is a lil short but dragging it out just to make it appear longer felt wrong. I hope you like it though. Also friendly reminder: this is set in Eden before Adam became a douchebag.
I'm a jester and I'm yours, call me your fool
pairing: Adam x male!reader
warnings: language, hurt (with comfort)
note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers
Eden had always been the place for you to ge whenever you felt sad or upset, it calmed you down, eased your mind, made your thoughts shut up for only a couple moments. Lucifer had betrayed you, you knew that, you also knew that it had been for the best to end things with him before he would take it too far with his wish for free will and with the things that were going on between him and Lilith. And before you even realized how sad that made you feel, to be betrayed, to be replaced by a mortal soul that would never be as pure as you were, you started crying - it wasn’t loud and if someone wouldn’t have paid attention it was also not visible but Adam did pay attention. Lucifer and Lilith had given Eve the apple, the forbidden fruit, how much further would heaven allow them to go? You weren’t sure. What you were sure about though, was the fact that you missed Lucifer, you missed his warmth, his chaotic yet gentle way of handling things, no matter what it was. You missed his creative mind, his joyful character, the love he had held for you that he had never been able to hide. You missed your clumsy blonde little angel - you shook your head, no, he was no longer yours.
And while you tried to sort your emotions out, the brunette human carefully creeped closer, he noticed your sadness and despite the fact that he didn’t know why you were crying, he felt like he understood without knowing the true reason - he had heard them whispering about it. About how Lucifer had left his boyfriend in order to get together with the first woman, his ex wife, Lilith. And while one loss alone had been seemingly impossible to carry, Adam had not only lost Lilith to his former best friend, he had also lost Eve. Eve, who had tried to talk him into eating the apple as well, he had refused to though, he wanted to remain pure, if she decided that wasn’t for her though, then that was her deal and not Adam’s.
Once he had reached you, he quietly sat down next to you, he wanted to take the sadness away from you, a creature as gorgeous and heavenly as yours should not sit in Eden and cry. He wanted to ask you why you were crying, who caused all those tears but he felt like it wasn’t his place to do so - you were an angel after all. Was he even allowed to sit next to you? The first man didn’t know, but he was sure that if he wouldn’t be allowed near you, you would tell him so. Lucifer might be disobeying heaven’s rules, but you? You looked too pure to do so.
You quickly wiped your tears away as soon as you noticed the presence next to you, when you turned your head to look at the person that had decided to take their place by your side, you were quite surprised to see the face of the first man there. “You look so sad,” the brunette hummed as he reached out to gently touch your cheek. Your golden, broken looking eyes met equally broken brown ones and you somehow found comfort in them, even though they belonged to a total stranger. “Yeah,” you softly chuckled at his words, a small smile forced itself onto your lips, “I guess that’s normal when you get dumped, though.” So the rumors had been true, Lucifer had left his boyfriend for Adam’s former wife. He inhaled deeply, “That’s what love brings.” And yeah, he had a point. Love was able to bring joy and happiness, but it could also take those feelings away from you within seconds. Carefully you leaned into Adam’s touch and closed your eyes as you breathed in the scent of the brunette. “A creature as beautiful as you shouldn’t be sad over losing someone like Lucifer though,” the first man continued and gently caressed your cheek with his thumb, wiping away all remains of your tears. “That’s so easy to say, Adam,” your voice cracked when you said his name and you opened your eyes again, “He was everything.” Adam nodded, he understood, “So was Eve. And Lilith. But sometimes they choose a different path than you do and there is nothing you can do to change that.”
And looking at it that way made you realize that Adam was in the same situation as you were, a situation that tore apart everything just because Lucifer had made a reckless decision. You had lost everything and so had Adam, you were sitting in the same boat, sailing the same ocean of sadness. But now you had found each other, so at least you weren’t sailing alone anymore. “Adam?” you asked quietly as you looked at the first man, making sure you’d get nothing but honesty when your eyes met his, “Can you stay?” And without hesitation the first man nodded, this would not only bring you comfort and take a little bit of the sadness away from you, no, the brunette would also find comfort in this, you would keep his mind busy and that he was very thankful for.
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RAIN CODE Fan Meeting Report ⑤ (Final)
(Again, sorry the thumbnail doesn't make sense 😅)
From around the middle of the evening program to the end.
Previous posts:
RAIN CODE Fan Meeting Report ①
RAIN CODE Fan Meeting Report ②
RAIN CODE Fan Meeting Report ③
RAIN CODE Fan Meeting Report ④
⚠️This is a looooooong post and contains important spoilers! If you haven't played RAIN CODE yet, you should definitely not expand this post.
Before the second half began, there was a section introducing the merchandise available at the event, just like in the daytime program.
It was also announced that those who bought the OST could participate in an autograph session with Kodaka, and the MC asked Kodaka: "From what I found on X, the fans who already participated seemed pretty happy. How was it?"
He then replied:
(The crazy thing about Kodaka is that even when he lies, he never denies it like "just kidding" or "it was a joke"! 😂)
--------
Afterwards, Fukuhara, Suzushiro, and KENN performed a reading that recounted a scene right after Desuhiko's awakening in Mystery Labirinth. The dialog was exactly the same as in the game, so I'll skip the details.
In the next reading, Ishikawa participated and they did the reenactment of the scene in Chapter 4 where they talked to Dr. Huesca in front of his laboratory through a monitor. Originally, Yuma, Desuhiko, and Fubuki talked to him, but Fubuki was replaced by Halara, so the script was a bit special.
Dr. Huesca's lines just played the in-game audio, which led him to ask Halara who the woman was. 😅
When Yuma told him that Halara was also a detective who had come to protect him, he seemed to think a little.
Then Desuhiko said, "Hey, Halara! This might be our chance. Let's draw the geezer outta his hiding place with a honey trap!", then he continued in a cute voice. "Tell him, ' With all my heart... I will serve you nya!'"
Halara was confused by his words, but muttered, "You said 'nya'... so is it a cat?" and seemed a little more enthusiastic, so Yuma panicked, "Halara! Don't take it so seriously!"
Then Shinigami interrupted, "Wow, that sounds fun! Imitating a cat is a piece of cake. I'll show you my example!" and she continued in a sweet voice, "With all my heart... *breath* I will serve you nya♡"
(I drew the image above based on the image that was on the back screen, but actually showed a sprite used in the game).
Since no one but Yuma could see that Shinigami was so excited, no one reacted with it, then Halara muttered, "If it means a cat, I might be able to do it."
Yuma was confused: "A-Are you sure, Halara?" Halara replied sharply: "Who do you think I am? I'll show you..."
"With all my heart... I will serve you nya!"
(It was like the "With all my heart..." part is in his/her normal voice, and "I will serve you nya!" is in a softer voice towards the end.)
Desuhiko was surprised: "Y-You've really done it!"
After that, as in the main story of the game, Dr. Huesca pretended to open the lock, but someone attacked him (though it was just his act), causing Desuhiko to panic, and Shinigami forced a punch line to end the reading.
・・・
Ishikawa commented: "What on earth were we made to do?"
Fukuhara: "I made sure to ask if Halara was ok!"
KENN: "Won't Halara charge them a fee later?"
Ishikawa seemed confused, but Fukuhara and KENN praised her for giving a convincing performance. (Personally, I liked that Halara was never weirdly shy or embarrassed.)
Then, Kodaka commented, "If I had written the script*, I definitely would have let Desuhiko do it too. Like, 'I'll set an example for you!'"
KENN: "In disguise?"
Kodaka: "Yeah, in disguise."
KENN: "So it might not be my voice. Haha."
(*As I mentioned in the previous post, the script for the reading was written by someone from Spike Chunsoft, so Kodaka was not involved.)
--------
The next segment was "Kanai Ward Citizen Survey". Just like the daytime program, the audience was asked some questions with three choices for each, and the VAs predict the answer that would be the most popular.
The MC told the audience, "Imagine that you are a resident of Kanai Ward." Then Kodaka said "You are a homunculus, homunculus. Feel the urge to eat steamed meat buns!" 😄
The first question was:
Q1.Who is the Amaterasu employee you want to be your boss?
1. Yomi
2. Martina
3. Makoto
(I believe Makoto is a CEO and not an employee, but I wrote that because that's what the question actually said.)
The audience laughed when the question appeared on the back screen, and Kodaka said: "Is there anyone who would choose the first option!?"
Then, the MC asked, "If there are people who choose Yomi, how should we perceive them?":
(The art used was the same as the acrylic stands.)
And all the VAs predicted that 3.Makoto would be the most popular. (This was the only question that all the VAs answered the same!)
The MC then asked the audience to vote. (Votes were given by clapping.) When the MC called out, "Those of you who want Yomi to be your boss, please clap your hands!", a few people responded with a strong clapping! Then Fukuhara said, "There should only be a few people there, but it sounds so loud!" 😂
As for Martina, there were a few more people clapping. However, when it was Makoto's turn, there were much more of them, as expected by the VAs. So it was 3.Makoto who got the most votes.
The next question was:
Q2. Who is the master detective you want to be your boyfriend?
1. Yuma
2. Desuhiko
3. Vivia
The MC asked a somewhat nasty question about each of these choices, and Fukuhara argued.
MC: "If Yuma sees someone in trouble, even in the middle of a date, he'll probably leave to help that person, right?"
Fukuhara: "No! Well, uh, maybe."
MC: "Desuhiko will definitely look at other girls in the middle of a date, right?"
Fukuhara: "No, it's not!"
(I understand that he would argue about Yuma, but it was cute that he argued about Desuhiko as well 😄)
MC: "As for Vivia-san, will he pay attention to his partner?"
Kodaka: "It must be like having a pet. Like having a pet named Vivia."
MC: "Like giving him books or something like that?"
Kodaka: "Yes, something like that."
Suzushiro: "Like a kept man?"
Kodaka: "To be blunt, yes."
(Everyone laughed at Kodaka's answer.)
After that, the VAs talked about Desuhiko's charms as a partner. Then Kodaka said: "Don't you hate it if your boyfriend has a talent for disguise? I think his partner would become neurotic, wondering 'if that guy could be Desuhiko, too.'"
KENN responded:
Kodaka: "Like, 'You again!' or something like that at a business partner company. It's scary, a little."
Suzushiro: "Right, it would be so scary if it was real. 😅"
After such a discussion, here is the answer the VAs chose:
Needless to say, Fukuhara chose 1.Yuma, but Suzushiro chose 2.Desuhiko even though she agreed with Kodaka that Desuhiko might be scary as a boyfriend.
When asked by the MC why, Suzushiro responded: "I still think he's cute."
KENN: "But isn't he sometimes a bit like a middle-aged man?"
Suzushiro: "I might even think it's cute. If I become obsessed, I might not be able to leave him."
Next, when asked why Ishikawa chose 3, she replied: "Well, because he's stable. He definitely doesn't seem to be unfaithful, does he? He also doesn't seem to be interested in people or himself, but I think it's okay if I can tame him..."
MC: "So you'll give him everything he needs to live?"
Ishikawa: "Yes, I will."
Fukuhara: "It's totally a kept man 😅"
(I was very curious as to why KENN didn't choose Desuhiko, but the MC didn't ask him, maybe due to lack of time.)
The audience then voted but all three choices got a lot of votes, so it was decided that this means that they are all popular, so 1, 2, and 3 are all correct.
The next question was the last:
Last Question: Which line do you want Yuma to say?
1. "Aaahhh! Blood! Blood!"
(JA: きゃあああああああっ!血が!血がっ!)
2. "Wait! That statement is no good!"
(JA: ちょっと待って!その発言はアウトじゃない!?)
3. "My past and my memories don't matter! I will solve the mystery as Yuma Kokohead!"
(JA: 過去も記憶も関係ない!ボクはユーマ=ココヘッドとして謎を解く!)
There is not much to explain about this question, so I will just write the results. Here are the VAs' choices:
Fukuhara: 2
Suzushiro: 1
Ishikawa: 1
KENN: 1
Fukuhara was surprised by this result, but the VAs who chose 1 said they wanted to hear Yuma's scream live.
Perhaps the audience felt the same way; most of the audience voted for 1, so Fukuhara actually performed Yuma's scream.
All VAs answered both the first and second questions correctly, so everyone except for Fukuhara received a book token as a prize.
Fukuhara: "Oh my, I was the only one to get the last question wrong!?"
KENN: "Didn't expect only the protagonist actor could not receive it. 😁"
Suzushiro: "I'll use this book token properly!"
Fukuhara: "Yes... use it for RAIN CODE. 😭"
KENN: "Let's get some books for Vivia. 😄"
--------
The next segment was "Guess Exactly! World Detective Organization Certification Test!" in which participants had to choose some RAIN CODE merchandise so that the total amount would be 10,000 yen.
A long table with lots of merchandise was brought on stage for this game, and as the MC introduced the wide variety of merchandise available at RAIN CODE, Suzushiro mentioned: "There are quite a few people in the audience wearing Desuhiko hoodies." and Fukuhara agreed: "That's true. Deshiko's hoodies stand out!" (In fact, I saw several people wearing orange hoodies! I have seen one woman wearing it, but it had mostly been worn by men.)
This game was done in a team competition, with the teams divided into Fukuhara and KENN, and Suzushiro and Ishikawa. As a special assistant, Kodaka participated in the former and Sakakibara in the latter.
When the MC said, "You assistants can only give hints, don't tell them the exact price even if you know it," Kodaka replied, "No, I don't know at all."
Then KENN asked Kodaka: "How involved are you with these kinds of merchandise?"
Kodaka: "Well, sometimes I supervise...... No, hardly ever. I just listen to them tell me what they are going to release something like that."
When asked by Ishikawa, "Are you confident that you can remember (the price of each item)?" Sakakibara replied with a smile, "No, I don't". So it seems that neither Kodaka nor Sakakibara had much to do with the merchandise.
As each team began their predictions with almost no clues, Ishikawa found a headband that mimics Shinigami's headdress and said:
When Ishikawa asked Suzushiro to put on the headband, Suzushiro looked surprised for a moment, then silently picked up the headband from the table and put it on her head! Ishikawa's eyes lit up and she did a little jump and said, "Cuuute!!!"
(It might seem like I'm exaggerating, but there really was that exact exchange, and it was very cute! XD)
After that, the VAs' predictions were as follows:
Fukuhara and KENN team:
・Deshiko's hoodie: 5,800 yen
・Yuma and Shinigami acrylic stand: 1,500 yen
・World Detective Organization metal pin badge: 2,000 yen
・Swinging glass: 700 yen
Suzushiro and Isikawa team:
・Shinigami figure (in spirit form): 6,500 yen
・Meat buns plush with ball chain: 600 yen
・Shinigami headband: 2,900 yen
When Kodaka saw these, he said: "Shinigami headband is definitely not that expensive!"
But Sakakibara argued: "But, swinging glass is definitely not that cheap!"
(Sakakibara had been very quiet the whole time, so it was interesting to see him argue clearly with Kodaka 😄)
By the way, it was cute to see KENN doing a pose while the event staff was calculating which one was closer to the 10,000 yen total.
(Fukuhara didn't notice it for a while, but later noticed it and posed with KENN, whose picture is in the official report article.)
Then, here is the calculation results:
Fukuhara and KENN team: 13,750 yen (+3,750yen)
Suzushiro and Isikawa team: 7,810 yen (-2,190 yen)
So the winners in this game were Suzushiro and Ishikawa.
Kodaka: "Neither team's answer was that close to 10,000 yen..."
Sakakibara: "Maybe the swinging glass is more expensive after all. It can't be that cheap for a glass product."
Kodaka: "Huh? Isn't it plastic?"
Fukuhara: "No, this is glass, Kodaka-san!"
Kodaka: "Oh. Then it's more expensive."
Fukuhara: "You said, it's not that expensive! 😫"
(Their prediction was 700 yen, but the actual price was 1,650 yen. Also, Desuhiko's hoodie was more expensive.)
--------
With that, the main part of the evening program was over and the participants made their final remarks.
Sakakibara: "Thank you so much for having so many of you here. We at Spike Chunsoft will continue to do our best to make RAIN CODE more lively, so please continue to support us. Thank you very much!"
Kodaka: "Today was the first event, and I want to make RAIN CODE more lively so that this will not be the last. Of course, I also want to create a sequel."
He then looked at Sakakibara and continued:
Sakakibara loudly declared that he would do his best to animate RAIN CODE after being pressed by Kodaka. 😂
Then they went on:
The VAs laughed out loud at this conversation.
(This made me completely like Sakakibara. It was funny that Sakakibara easily declared that he would drive the company, even though he seems like the type of person who would never say such a thing. 🤣)
Kodaka then concluded: "So please continue to support us!"
In closing remarks from the VAs, they talked about how happy they were to see the faces of RAIN CODE fans, and how they hope to have another opportunity to play their characters in a sequel, an anime, or something.
And at the end, they all said "Thank you!" together and left the stage.
--------
The evening program seemed to be over, but the stage went dark, and soon Fukuhara and Suzushiro returned to the stage for a reading play of the farewell scene between Yuma and Shinigami in the final mystery labyrinth.
The reading started from the scene where Shinigami made an emergency exit appear and she explained that using it would break Yuma's contract with Shinigami.
For a while, the dialog was exactly the same as in the game. Shinigami told Yuma that if you remember me even a little bit, show the world that everyone is happy there like you said, and Yuma promised that he would make it happen.
Then, before Yuma headed for the emergency exit, he called out to the audience:
The audience responded to Yuma and Shinigami's call with applause.
Yuma: "Well, but that's right. Also, we've been able to entrust this story to everyone here. I think that is one of the solutions."
Shinigami: "I'm sure you'll forget about the spoiler talk when you leave here, though.
Oh, but then you'll be able to play the game again, so it's a good deal!"
Yuma: "You say such things even at a time like this... I think it will be okay. It will stay in everyone's heart."
Yuma then called out to the audience once again:
(The audience responded with applause.)
Shinigami: "Master. It's about time. We have to say goodbye."
Yuma: "...Okay, Shinigami. Here we go!"
Yuma & Shinigami: ""Thank you very much for coming today!!!""
After Yuma and Shinigami's greetings, the stage gradually darkened and the spotlight shone on Shinigami alone.
Shinigami: "I'm not sad or anything. I’m... used to being alone. And that solves everything... Doesn’t it?
I will be waiting... to see you all again!"
--------
After the reading, Yuma's voice announced that all stage programs were over.
Yuma asked, "Did you all enjoy the last special reading play?"
The audience responded with loud applause.
Yuma: “Thank you everyone. We look forward to seeing you all again! Thank you so much for coming today!”
--------
That's all for my report.
Thank you so much for reading to the end! 💖
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IM THE PERSON WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE SINCE WE LAST SPOKE A FEW DAYS AGO And i agree about how sad it is that most queer horror authors i dont vibe with. do you have any you DO like? im always on the lookout for more and from what i’ve seen of your book taste on here we have pretty similar taste in books. can be any genre of horror tbh im not picky
hehehe yes i'd love to give u some recommendations! though if i'm being honest i really haven't found that many authors in the genre that i really vibe with yet. im still on the hunt... may leitz is probably the only one i can recommend that is kinda in the same vein as the "popular" ones, but Leitz is someone who i think does well balancing the extreme aspects of it with characters that are actually interesting and sympathetic to read (as opposed to just one-dimensional cannon fodder for random violence)
i don't know if any of these authors actually refer to themselves as "queer horror" authors nor do i know with certainty if all of them are a part of the lgbt community, but um. well i like their books. these also all aren't strictly about the characters identity; some focus more on it than others so i'll just say it's horror + lgbt characters.
i'll start with extreme horror:
fluids by may leitz - this will be the most extreme book i recommend, and i've talked about it a few times before. it's about two women, named Dahlia and Lauren, who meet on tinder during the pandemic, and after only a few days of talking Lauren takes it upon herself to drive to Dahlia's hometown and try and "save" her. things escalate, and the two women's paths diverge. cw: extreme violence and gore, rape, incest (the two girls pretend to be related), emetophobia, suicide, eating disorder, murder, literally everything you can think of. this is Extreme Horror, and i wouldn't recommend this one for anyone that's not already familiar with the genre.
girl flesh by may leitz - while i didn't like this one as much as fluids, i'm just a fan of may leitz's writing in general so i'd still recommend it. this one has a bit of a pacing problem & does a lot of telling rather than showing, but i like the direction leitz takes this one in the end. i've talked about this one before too so you might remember me rambling about it. this one is about two women who are kidnapped and wake up restrained in a dirty hotel in the middle of the texas mesa. they work together to escape their captors as well as the wild mesa and maybe even fall in love a little bit on the way. cw: extreme violence, gore, transphobia/deadnaming, eating disorder, emetophobia, self-harm, rape. this one isn't as extreme as fluids but i'd still be cautious with it.
to be devoured by sara tantlinger - this one is a short novella you can read in one sitting. Andi really really really wants to know what carrion tastes like. she's fascinated by the vultures that circle the edge of her property, but her fascination soon turns to obsession, and Andi will stop at nothing to learn their secrets. cw: blood consumption, cannibalism, violence and gore, very graphic animal harm and animal death
okay now the rest are just more general horror:
house of hunger by alexis henderson - loosely based on the legend of Elizabeth of Bathory, this story takes place in a society that runs on blood. Marion travels to the House of Hunger to begin her term as a bloodmaid under Countess Lisavet, who has a mysterious ailment that renders her weak and bedbound unless she has a constant flow of blood to treat it. Marion gets to know the other bloodmaids, and in time begins to realize not all is as it seems at the House of Hunger. cw: blood consumption, violence, abusive relationships/gaslighting, death
alexis henderson has also written the year of the witching, and she just announced an academy for liars. i really like her writing so i plan to check out her other work soon-ish.
apparitions by adam pottle - again i talked about this one recently so you may have seen it already, but i NEED more people to read this book. this follows the story of a young man who was born deaf and raised in an abusive household until he was able to escape as a teenager, only to be institutionalized immediately after. there he meets another deaf teen, and for the first time in his life, he has a language that he can speak with and can finally be understood. cw: child abuse, institutionalization, homophobia, abusive relationship, ableism, violence, death, religious trauma, animal harm and animal death.
the luminous dead by caitlin starling - gyre price is a lone caver swaddled inside a hi-tech suit that allows her to dive deep underground to map mineral deposits off-planet. however, the person on the other end of the suit has other plans, and easily takes control of gyre and her suit, putting the two at odds with each other as gyre spirals into uncertainty and paranoia while also having to deal with the terrifying presence of the tunneler. cw: claustrophobia, death, forced drugging, violence, gore, abusive/toxic relationship
caitlin starling also has a few other books though i haven't gotten around to reading them yet and i honestly haven't heard much about them so i can't say how they compare, but the luminous dead is one of my favorites of all time.
the Sworn Soldier series by T. Kingfisher - i love these books, they're just short fun horror stories with a really charming main character. Alex Easton is a retired soldier from Gallacia, and has their own special pronouns in Gallacian (kan/kanself) as part of their occupation and culture, and is what we would consider nonbinary (not all soldiers identify this way, but Alex does). vicars in Gallacia use van/vanself, there are different pronouns for children and adults, etc. i think it's just really interesting and i enjoy what the author has done with the worldbuilding and language, and how seamlessly it fits into her writing. the first book is a retelling of the fall of the house of usher (and is the stronger of the two) while the second one has Alex returning home to Gallacia and facing off with an old Gallacian superstition that's haunting their family cottage.
again i don't really know how T. Kingfisher/Ursula Vernon personally identifies but i do recommend her writing regardless, she's written other horror books as well as some fantasy books & she's just incredibly skilled imo, easy and fun to read.
most of my TBR that i'm working towards is horror so maybe i'll update this post later with more.... i'm currently reading providence girls by morgan dante and into the drowning deep by mira grant.
morgan dante has a few other books that are all some flavor of gothic horror/romance and i'm very excited for their new book that just came out TODAY that's a carmilla/elizabeth of bathory reimagining. i'm planning on reading that Immediately (i preordered it) so i'll report back for it and once i finish providence girls, too.
the next few books on my TBR that are all lgbt + horror:
The Seep by Chana Porter
Thirst by Marina Yuszczuk
A Dowry of Blood & An Education in Malice, both by S.T. Gibson
Little Rot by Akwaeke Emezi (i think this one is a thriller actually and also isnt out yet but whatever. i recommend this author, they genre-hop a lot & have a decent amount of work published already)
Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon
and of course i always recommend looking up content warnings if you need to especially for the last few since i haven't read them myself and can't vouch for them just yet. but ummm hopefully you see something you like 😭 i'll stop yapping <3
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The Law Student (Rewritten)
Part Five: Green Genes
Pairing: Cillian Murphy (20) & Reader (30)
Note: This plays in 1996, just before Cillian drops out of law school.
Several days had passed until Thursday finally came around and, to you, it seemed as though, for the past few days, Cillian tried to make a point to be seen by you with Siobhan. It felt as if each time you set foot in the school building, there they were - sitting in the same corner spot, hands intertwined on top of the table. He was always sending mixed signals in class, sneaking glances at you as if bursting with secrets – secret encounters, conversations, stolen kisses; whereas, afterwards, he was always quick to walk by Siobhan's side.
Watching him kiss her goodbye and whisper sweet nothings into her ear fueled your innate jealousy – fueling a burning sensation in your chest, an anger that pricked at the back of your neck.
The sensations, admittedly, were concerning – confusing even, because this wasn't the type of feeling you expected to experience. You felt disgusted at the thought of being so attached to, possessive of someone who, only a week ago, knew little more than your first name.
Yet here you were – fixated on these particular glimpses of the boy, each slightly more intimate than the last and, by the time he entered the lecture room for his tutoring session, you were almost vibrating with apprehension and the desperate need to sort through your tangled emotions.
Silence enveloped the room as you awaited the arrival of your student, and each second stretched into an eternity, further fraying your nerves. When you finally heard light footsteps coming from the hall outside, you glanced up to meet a pair of deep-blue eyes that pierced right through you, paralyzing your breath within your lungs.
"Hey," Cillian murmured, resting his knapsack onto his chair and directing an intense gaze toward you; a gaze that seemed to ignite a fire in the pit of your stomach.
"You are late ," you replied, your voice thicker than intended, and glanced back at your notes, attempting to ignore the flush spreading across your cheeks and the rapid beating of your own heart.
"Sorry, I lost track of time," Cillian's husky voice reverberated through the almost-empty room, and you couldn't help but notice how flushed his forehead remained.
"It's fine ," you sighed and averted your gaze, your thoughts ensnared between the apparent sexual tension between you and the of frustration building up within you. This boy was your student, and you were his professor, yet the boundary between teacher and pupil had grown thin.
As you glanced at Cillian, your eyes met his, and the sheer intensity in them evoked something within you-an urge to explore their depths until quenched, to satisfy your hunger.
"Now tell me, did you do the prescribed reading for the cases I have given you?" you asked coolly, trying to mask your tumultuous feelings. Cillian hesitated, shuffling his documents awkwardly.
"Well, most of it," he confessed, averting his gaze. "There was just so much material, and I had some assignments to prioritize," he added defensively.
Your irritation grew. Not only could you not fathom the idea of succumbing to this boy's sweet temptation, but you also resented his most recent lackadaisical attitude towards your class.
"You had assignments to prioritize?" you heard yourself repeat, incredulous. "Cillian, if I didn't know any better, I would assume that you are not taking this course seriously anymore after what happened between us. You haven't engaged in class all week and now-, " you began to say just as Cillian interrupted you.
Cillian looked up, startled. "No, I am taking it seriously Y/N," he assured you, inadvertently calling you by his first name. "It's just that-well-there's a lot going on right now. Personal stuff, you know."
You couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. "You mean you have a girlfriend now, so your studies are less important?" you asked, unable to fully conceal the jealousy in your voice and this was something Cillian picked up on right away.
"Are you jealous?" he asked, his eyes gleaming with curiosity.
The words hung in the air, and you felt your face grow hot. "Of course not," you lied, trying to remain calm and collected. "I'm just, you know, never mind," you stammered, and Cillian looked at you skeptically, as if he could sense the lie behind your words.
"So you are not jealous of me dating Siobhan?" he questioned you further, biting his lower lip playfully. His tone was flirtatious, baiting you towards losing your composure and giving away your true feelings.
However, your years of experience as a lawyer had taught you how to navigate delicate situations without losing your edge. Therefore, you responded to Cillian calmly, remaining composed.
"No Cillian, I am not jealous of your girlfriend. I am just concerned that your personal affairs will compromise your academic performance," you said plainly, avoiding his gaze.
He chuckled quietly, seemingly amused by your response. "Alright , if you say so." His voice carried an undertone of skepticism, and the way he looked at you made it clear that he didn't quite believe you.
Cillian let the topic drop, and the rest of the tutoring session went smoothly, with the two of you discussing legal concepts and case studies. Yet, even as you delved into complex intellectual discussions, you couldn't help but feel a persistent burn of jealousy in the back of your mind.
You pushed that pang of jealousy aside once more , focusing on the topic at hand.
Finally, the tutoring session ended, and Cillian packed up his belongings, offering a small, cryptic smile as he left the room.
That smirk ignited a spark in your mind, causing you to question his motives and intentions. But Cillian had left already, and you had no choice but to bury your thoughts for the time being.
***
The following day, after work, you were invited to meet up with a gathering of colleagues for drinks - the type of event you generally avoided. You disliked the cliquish environment and superficial banter. Still, tonight you found yourself agreeing to join them. Perhaps, you subconsciously sought some form of distraction; which always seemed in short supply recently.
The topics discussed over drinks however were far from interesting for you. Thus, after having listened to their recounts of court victories, academia bragging and tedious office gossip, you decided that it was best to step outside and call it a night.
The cold abruptly slammed against your skin, but the crisp air felt invigorating as you pulled out your Nokia to call a taxi home just as, out of the blue, you received a text message from your best friend Emma who was looking to catch up later that evening.
"Two for one drinks at Soho. Live Music. 9pm." was all Emma's message read, and although the idea of more socializing sounded exhausting, you also knew that a couple of drinks with your best friend might be exactly what you needed to take your mind off things.
You sent a quick reply and made your way to the small little bar in Cork where, much to your surprise, there was quite a crowd of young students.
"What is going on here?" you asked Emma who stood there, by the door, already nursing a drink.
"Some band's last gig, I think. Although, from what I have heard, they haven't played together for months," Emma shrugged her shoulders, gesturing towards the stage where a group of young musicians were setting up their equipment.
You glanced at them curiously and, sure enough, you spotted a familiar face on stage.
"Oh Jesus," you muttered under your breath, recognizing one of the guitarists and vocalists as none other than Cillian, his eyes closed tightly in concentration as he tuned his guitar.
Emma cast you a puzzled glance, suspicion forming in the furrow of her brow. "Do you know them?" she asked, and you hesitated, struggling with how to explain your connection to Cillian without divulging the drama that had unfurled between you two.
"Um, sort of. One of them is a student of mine," you finally settled on, which was technically true.
"Which one?" Emma's interest was piqued, and she looked over towards the stage with a mixture of curiosity and excitement.
"The one on the guitar, wearing a black t-shirt. His name is Cillian," you answered, feeling a bit self-conscious as you said his name out loud.
"He's quite a good-looking kid," Emma remarked and you cringed at the fact that your best friend had just referred to the man you slept with as if he was a child.
Before you could protest however, the band began to play, and Cillian's voice rang out, strong and melodic. You couldn't help but watch him, his movements fluid and graceful as he strummed the guitar, his lips curving into a soft smile as he sang.
He seemed to enjoy the stage and had a presence there which not many people possessed.
"He sure is talented," you murmured to yourself , impressed by his abilities and, luckily for you, Emma did not hear you above the music this time.
The sound was electric, and the crowd moved closer to the stage as Cillian and his band continued playing. Their energy was captivating, filling the room with an intoxicating mix of anticipation and excitement. The night grew young, and the alcohol coursed through your veins, making it harder to resist the sway of his voice, your body moving instinctively along with the rhythm which is when you and Emma made some rather drunk acquaintances.
Emma, in her natural charismatic state, struck up a conversation with two young men – both of whom appeared quite taken with her charms, and as you observed them interact, you found yourself unable to help but feel ever-so slightly pleased by the notion. Not because you despised Emma nor her company, but rather because it provided you with a welcome reprieve from the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that had been consuming you for the past few days.
One of the men, named Jason, started talking to you, complimenting you. He was tall, blonde and handsome, and under normal circumstances, you would find him attractive. But somehow, your mind kept wandering back to Cillian on stage, his instrument in his hands, and the way the music flowed from him as if it was an extension of himself.
Jason noticed your distracted behavior and leaned in, whispering suggestive comments in your ear. The alcohol in your system made you feel bold, and you entertained the idea of going home with him, using it as a way to distract yourself from Cillian. But you also knew to be better than that. This was not your style and, much to your dislike and discomfort, when the music came to an end, the blonde stranger made a move on you.
He leaned in, invading your personal space and wrapping an arm around your waist in a possessive manner, attempting to plant a kiss on your lips. However, you quickly pushed him away, exclaiming, "No, thank you," as you gathered your bearings, removing the stranger's arm from your waist.
Your actions caught the attention of several patrons, but the stranger seemed unfazed, continuing to proposition you.
"She said no, dude," Emma intervened firmly, placing a hand on the man's chest and, even though the admirer took Emma's message as a warning, he still refused to relent.
"Oh come on , don't be like that," he persisted, his words slurring together as he continued to advance towards you, expecting a different answer from you this time.
"Listen, I am really not interested , okay? So just please leave me alone." Your voice was firm and clear, despite the hint of irritation seeping through, and you couldn't help but notice Cillian observing the scene from the stage, concern etched onto his face.
He had spotted you just moments earlier when you drew some unwanted attention towards you, arguing with the stranger and it was now that, for the stranger, in rejection stung and, in an attempt to regain control, the man grabbed your arm, pulling you in close. "Come on. Just give me a chance," he hissed, leering down at you.
But before he could pull you any closer, a sudden flurry of movement caught everyone's attention: Cillian, having jumped off the stage, strode purposefully towards you with a determined look on his face.
In one swift motion, he pried the stranger's hand off of you, pushing him roughly away. "Back off, man!" Cillian snarled, protectively placing himself between you and the aggressor. "She doesn't want you to touch her!" he told the much older man , whose eyes widened in shock as he looked at Cillian with disbelief.
"Who the hell are you to tell me what she wants?" the man sneered, puffing his chest out as if he was trying to assert his dominance over Cillian.
Cillian's gaze did not waver, and he held his ground, standing protectively in front of me. "That's none of your business," he retorted, his voice low and firm. "Just leave her alone and find someone else to bother."
The stranger's face contorted in anger, and he took a threatening step forward and, without warning, leashed out at Cillian with his fist, hitting his face.
"Oh my god!" you and Emma gasped at the same time, but Cillian didn't budge. Instead, he clenched his jaw and threw a punch back, hitting the stranger's nose.
"Stop it," you yelled, trying to pull the stranger away from Cillian as the two continued to tussle, drawing the attention of everyone in the bar as they watched the scene unfold before them. Emma, trying to act as a voice of reason, pleaded with the stranger as well, to which he just thrown a dismissive glower and puffed up his chest in defiance.
Cillian's nose was bleeding and the stranger's jaw was turning blue already as, finally, the security guard intervened .
"Hey! Hey! That's enough!" The bouncer loudly shouted, stepping between the two men, and separating them. "Break it up, now! BOTH of you, outta here!"
With the fight broken up, Cillian retreated to your side, his eyes locked on yours, but you couldn't hold his gaze for long. The adrenaline was wearing off, and embarrassment flooding through you, having caused such a scene.
"God, I am so sorry," Cillian apologized, concern evident in his voice.
"Did he hurt you? Are you alright?" he gently reached out to touch your cheek, and you flinched at his touch, a silent reminder of the events that just transpired.
"I'm fine, Cillian," you assured him while Emma handed you a pile of napkins. "But you are not. Your nose is bleeding," you pointed out, concern lacing your voice as you stared at the blood trickling down his face.
"Oh, that's nothing new," he waved off your concerns, trying to downplay the severity of his injury. "It's been broken a couple of times before," he winked, revealing the slight grin, and you couldn't help but stare at cheerful expression of a person who had just been engaged in a physical altercation, and yet stood there, as charming as ever.
"Come on, let me clean this up for you," you told him firmly, leading him to the bathroom, despite the lingering embarrassment trickling from your every pore and, despite all that had transpired, Emma couldn't help but chuckle.
The bar's washroom was tiny, hidden late at night like this, most booths were occupied - users smoking in secrecy or friends freshening up after a drink or even two. It smelled of sweat and cheap perfume, and the harsh light cast shadows across the grimy mirrors.
But despite its poor condition, the sink was thankfully empty as you wet a handful of paper towels, pressing them against Cillian's wound.
"We are in the girls' toilet Y/N," Cillian stated as his blue eyes smiled at you.
This instructive observation did very little to pacify the raging tempest that subsumed your senses as you looked back at him. "No shit, Sherlock," you retorted sarcastically, rolling your eyes. "Now hold still," you ordered, pressing the makeshift compress gently against the bridge of his nose.
Cillian complied, scrutinizing you closely beneath the dim light of the bathroom's fixture as you attended to his wound. Despite the tense situation, a certain warmth spread throughout your core, reciprocated on his end as his gaze deepened and softened.
"You shouldn't have intervened," you found yourself whispering to your student, clinching the napkins more rigorously over his injury lest the emotion stuck in your throat escaped audibly.
Dismissing your words, Cillian gestured carelessly with his free hand as he reassured you, "But I couldn't just stand there and do nothing," he said as regret clouded his features, and the gravity of the consequences of his impulse weighed upon his conscience.
"Well, thank you," you finally offered him, grudgingly, as you finished tending to his injury. The sincerity in his deep blue eyes forced down your prim hostility. "I really am grateful for what you did." However, you still struggled with the irrational, nagging feeling of embarrassment that remained lodged in your throat, gripping you and refusing to let go, unwilling to exhale the frustrations which consistently surfaces whenever you were near Cillian.
The atmosphere inside the small, dimly lit bathroom had undoubtedly changed and, if it wasn't for Cillian's brother Paddy barging in unexpectedly to check in on the two of you, you may have gotten sidetracked by the young man that insisted on ignoring the unspoken boundaries between professors and students.
"Come on Cills. Time to go. The bouncer wants you out of here," Paddy said, looking between Cillian and you. There was a stern expression on his face, and his glare led you to believe that any argument from either Cillian or you would go ignored.
A bit reluctantly, you both nodded your agreement before, with careful treads, you made your way back towards your friends - Emma appearing absolutely mesmerized.
"Holy crap. I can't believe what just happened," Emma exclaimed, eyes wide with astonishment and, as she remained quiet, which was something that Emma rarely did, you finally allowed the tension to seep from your body, feeling your posture start to relax, and the weight of the past few hours lifting.
"Is he okay?" she eventually asked while Cillian and Paddy sneaked out, waving at you contently.
"Yes, I don't think his nose is broken," you told her and she laughed a little, that surprising tinkling sound that came unexpectedly.
"What a crazy night. But honestly, I'm glad I got to witness it," she concluded and her line of sight moved back to Cillian who just left. She then raised her brows at you, obviously intrigued by your young and mysterious protector.
"He seems to really care about you, Y/N. And he probably has a little crush on you too," she murmured thoughtfully, watching him disappear into the crowd.
"Don't be silly, Em. He is just a student. Nothing more , nothing less," you replied dismissively, taking a large sip of your drink.
Despite your words, Emma shot you a knowing look, her eyes gleaming with mischief and suspicion. "Sure, if you say so," she said with a wink.
"Anyways, let's get going. I think we've had enough excitement for one night," you suggested, eager to end the conversation and avoid further speculation about your relationship with Cillian.
***
Meanwhile, as Paddy drove him and his brother home, Paddy too ought to address the elephant in the room. "So, you wanna tell me what's going on between you and that woman at the pub?" Paddy asked, peering at Cillian from the driver's seat.
Cillian sighed deeply, running his fingers through his unruly locks. His clenched fists squeezed the denim of his jeans, drawing his knuckles white. "I have no frigging clue what you are talking about, Pad," he admitted truthfully. "She's my law school professor, and that's it."
However, as Cillian defended himself, Paddy only raised an eyebrow at his older brother, doubting the legitimacy of his claims.
Paddy turned onto their street, pulling the car up to their modest home and switching off the engines while continuing their conversation. "Cills, you and I both know that's never 'it' with you. Every woman you show interest in turns into a complicated fucking mess and you are clearly interested in her. So, I'll ask again. What's going on with you and this particular woman?" Paddy questioned seriously.
Cillian remained silent for a few moments, staring out the window into the darkness beyond. He knew his brother was right, as much as he despised admitting it.
"I don't know, Pad," Cillian finally replied, turning his gaze back to his brother. "We kinda hooked up once and things just got complicated now," he trailed off, leaving the implication hanging heavy in the air.
Paddy raised his eyebrows, surprised by the revelation. "Wow, okay," he said, pausing for a moment to let the news settle. "You actually slept with your fucking teacher?" Paddy finally burst out, incredulously. "I mean, she is super hot, but Jesus man. You do realize that's a whole piss pot of trouble, right?"
Cillian frowned. "Of course, I know that, Pad," he replied, sinking lower in his seat. "But it was the best sex I've ever had and I really fucking like her, you know ? I can't help it."
Paddy shook his head, letting out a low whistle. "Fuck bro , I don't even know what to say to that," he admitted, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. "Look, I'm gonna level with you here, Cills. I know you've been struggling lately, and I think you need to focus on your future. Getting involved with your teacher isn't going to help with that."
Cillian sighed heavily, leaning back in his seat. "I know, I know," he agreed. "But it's not that simple, Pad. I don't even want to be at fucking law school. I hate it and she just makes it a little more interesting," Cillian admitted to his brother , feeling a stab of guilt at the thought of disappointing his family.
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Away P2
Media - House Of The Dragon
Character - Daemon Targaryen
Couple - Daemon X Reader
Reader - Y/n Targaryen (Niece, Viserys Second daughter with Aemma)
Rating - Sweet
Word Count - 1735
Warning - Suicide Mentions
Part One
Using the secret tunnels to return Y/n to her chambers as if she never left, she tossed away the common clothes and put on her black silk nightie collapsing on her bed,
Daemon watched her change your clothes He could tell she was holding back tears. He felt bad for his sweetling. He knew she must be lonely at times, and he wasn't with her all the time. He decided not to leave just yet. Daemon approached and sat next to her on the bed. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as he looked at her face. His face was soft and he looked genuinely concerned for her loneliness.
"you'll be leaving again soon, and I'll be alone again…"
Daemon saw her frown growing more upset and he decided to pull her closer to him. He held her for a moment, letting her get some comfort. His hand on her shoulder rubbed gently and he put his other hand on her back and held her close to him. "I know, I know. But I will always come back to you my sweetling. The first thing I do when I return to King's Landing, is rush straight to you. And the last thing I do before I leave is visit you again."
she nodded "But then you're gone. I see you off and then I'm alone, my sister doesn't visit, father never asks to see me, and I'm locked in here so much the handle has dust."
Daemon noticed how sad it was for her. ‘She had no one to really talk to or even just enjoy the time you spent with’ he thought. "Can you tell me something though, sweetling?"
"yes?"
"What do you always do when I'm gone? Are you always alone like this? No one to talk to?"
"always. I just read it. Sew. Sleep"
Daemon frowned as you said that. He felt guilty for being away so long. "You should have more people to spend your time with. What about the handmaidens? You don't get along with any of them?"
"they only come when I call for them, then they do what I ask and go. Most don't talk to me even when I try"
Daemon frowned as he heard her answer. He didn't even want to think about how lonely and depressing this experience was for her. "You haven't got a single friend, have you?"
"... No."
The news made him a bit disappointed. A lonely little princess with no friends and a sad life. Her only comfort in this world was her uncle. Daemon was feeling a little guilty for not being here and keeping a closer eye on her. "You can never truly be sad, though. Not when your dear old uncle is here for you. You can always tell me your problems and your sadness and I will be here to comfort you." He smiled at her softly but he could see she was still upset.
"but you're not here... You go off on an adventure to the Stepstones or off with the city watch or off at Dragonstone. I do love when you're here it's... The only time I ever smiled anymore"
That last sentence pained Daemon a lot more, hearing that the only times she smiled were the rare occasions he was around. He felt like he was abandoning a child for leaving her alone for so long. His expression showed his feelings for a split second before he hid it away and continued to comfort her. His voice was kind and compassionate. He spoke with a smile to conceal his guilt. "It's alright... I feel like the only time I feel happy is when I'm holding you. You are my source of happiness, my sweetling."
she nodded and she sat up a moment wiping her tears before she hugged him her arms around his shoulders, she sat in his lap, her head in his chest as she fought the urge to cry
Daemon put his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. He rubbed her hair and he looked down on her little face which was buried in his chest. Her head was buried in the crook of his neck and his hands were rubbing her back. Daemon felt his happiness come back as he embraced you like this.
After a bit, Daemon decided to speak "You know, you are so much smaller than me when you sit in my lap, my sweeting," He said trying to comfort and distract her,
she nodded "When are you leaving?"
Daemon's face slightly fell at the mention of him leaving. But he decided to not let that stop him from comforting her. Even if he was going to leave soon he would make every second count. "Soon, my sweetling. I'm not sure, it will be soon but I will come back. I always do. Even though I know it might leave you feeling sad, I will always return. I promise."
"you'll be gone days? Months? Longer?"
Daemon seemed troubled as he thought about how long he would be leaving for. It was possible it would be longer than the usual. And after what she said, he felt bad about it now as he thought about how lonely she would feel when abandoned for a long amount of time. He didn't know what to say now, and he could see that his answer was also painful to her. "I don't know... Most likely a few days or weeks... Maybe longer than that but I promise you with all my heart that I will return."
she nodded "... I can't promise I'll be here"
Daemon felt a stab in his heart when she said that. He stopped rubbing her back and he stared down at her. He looked at her face as she was trying to hold back her tears and he felt bad that she felt this sad. "Sweetling, you can never do that! I can't lose you, I just can't. Are you telling me the truth? You really plan to leave?"
"... I have thought of it. More than once" she said,
Daemon was shaken to the core by her words. The pain of losing her suddenly hit him and he felt the urge to cry. He held her close to him and spoke softly but urgently. "Sweetling, listen. Please take my words to heart. Never think that again. I would be devastated to lose you. I will do whatever it takes to protect you. Whatever it takes to keep you alive and healthy. I don't want you to ever think of doing that again, okay?"
she nodded clearly still sad,
Daemon was still worried even with her nod. ‘I couldn't let her do this ever. She means too much to me’ the thought. Daemon held her close to him, he didn't care whether she was crying or not, he would keep her close to him to comfort her. "I hope I haven't disappointed you too much with how I have been acting," Daemon said softly, letting her cry against his chest. All his worries and fears were flooding his body and he couldn't hide them. He didn't want to lose her, and he felt like a failure right now.
she shook her head, "Often it feels you're all I have anymore..."
Daemon heard your answer and he was surprised to hear that to be honest. He smiled slightly and he squeezed her tighter as he held her against him. "Then it's my duty to protect you, my sweetling. I will do anything in this life to protect you. From now on I will come to see you as often as I can. Will that make you happier?"
she nodded,
Daemon smiled softly but still looked concerned He still could feel the sadness in her but he decided to try and comfort her by holding her against him and playing with her hair. The more time he spent with her, the more he felt his happiness coming back. He didn't want this moment to end. "Will you promise me something?"
"yes, Daemon?"
"Will you promise me that every time I leave, whenever you have thoughts like those, you will tell me as soon as I return? I need to know if you ever intend to do that again, sweetling. Or If you really do feel alone while I am away."
"I Will I promise"
"Thank you, my sweetling. That is very important to me. And from now on I will try my best to come see you as often as I can. I promise you that. Just please, let me know how you feel and I will always be trying to make you as happy as I can while I am away, and if you really do start to think like that send a raven and I will rush back on craxaes just to see you. okay?"
she nodded and laid herself down on her pillow,
Daemon kept his hand gripped with her and he continued to smile at her he helped to tuck her into her bed and pressed a kiss on her forehead. He could feel the sadness that still lingered in her and he didn't want to go just yet. She was still in need of comfort and love. So he continued to sit there with her and play with her hair.
"May I ask you one more question, my sweetling?"
she nodded
"Are you happy right now, my sweetling?”
"very happy and very content but also sad because I know it will end eventually"
Daemon sighed a little bit when she told him how she felt, it was true and her feelings were valid."I will always come back. No matter what happens, I will come back. I promise you, I will never leave you and I will never be gone for more time than I have to,"
she nodded and slowly closed her eyes, after a while she began to drift off to sleep her grip on him became loose, he smiled and watched her sleep for a while But for some reason he felt a strong urge to stay now. He wanted to stay with her, no matter how long he would be away from her he wanted to spend these last few hours with her, "Daemon?" she spoke up,
"Yes, my sweetling? What is it?"
for a moment she doesn't speak she just looks at him taking in every element of him as if she's trying to ensure her memory of him before she rests a soft hand on his cheek stroking his face before she finally connects her lips with his…
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MAGNFICO AND ASHA STORYBOARD WIP
And for anyone who is like: WHAT ARE THEY SAYING IT IS JUST LINE #!!!
Here you go, a general idea of what they are saying:
This is the recreation/reimagine of "I DECIDE WHAT EVERYONE DESERVES" scene
You know, this scene:
My original draft was much more "on the nose" so to speak, so I fixed the script and added more dyamics between the characters.
Plus instead of it just Magnifico intimidating Asha, Amaya is there too. Not yet obv, but she will be!
And you may notice the guard that enters the room. And you may be like: Does the guards know what happens to the wishes??
And my answer to you is that yes they do, but they aren't allowed to speak about it or else....well lets say that their families and themselves would be in grave danger. We don't want anything bad happening to them now do we?
Okay lets talk about the designs.
For Starters, you can see Asha is more "formal" so to speak.
Her design is right here:
(I couldn't do anatomy yesterday, so porpotions are off by a large margin lmao)
Her outfit I might have to fix later when I move it to digital when I am done with it, but her outfit is still more flowy and doesn't way her down since SHE IS A YOUNG SORCERERR AND NEEDS MORE MOVEMENT (even though she can't do magic but I won't talk about it here). You also might read the outfit that says "Outfit that resides with "common folk". What I mean by that, is that she changes outfits when she changes her loyalty and support. The princess dress is her siding with her parents while the "common folk" outfit resides with her support and love for the people of Rosas (the colors are more sunrise theme for that outfit too).
And to show Magnifico's full design, its right here:
The sharp edges on Magnifico represent the thorns of a rose, since you know...ROSAS. And I'm thinking that they are less sharp but when he reveals his true colors, the thorns get more sharper until he goes just as insane as his wifu. He also doesn't wear a crown because he loves his hair way to much 💀
I haven't designed Amaya yet and they aren't final drafts so to speak, more of an idea dump.
(pls ignore star boy in the first picture, I just needed to see my confort character 😭)
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Day 2 ~ Exploration & New Lands
AN: For day 2 of @silmarillionepistolary. There will be a companion piece to this one, showing Fëanor's reaction to Nerdanel's first letter to him.
𓂃🖋 Characters/pairings: Fëanor x Nerdanel
𓂃🖋 Synopsis: For all these years, Fëanor kept Nerdanel's old letters to him.
𓂃🖋 Warnings: /
𓂃🖋 Oneshot (~600 words) | AO3
From a stack of letters found in a box hidden under the bed of Fëanor Finwion, late High King of the Noldor, decades after his departure from the Undying Lands.
Dear Fëanáro,
I hope you rested and recovered well after our last journey and that you don't mind me writing you like this.
When we parted ways near Tirion, I meant to tell you how much I enjoyed your company and that I would love to travel with you again — or meet up and show you all the projects we talked about, as well as seeing your works — though I must admit that I lost courage in the moment.
I am certain that you are in great company at your father's court and I don't want to overstep any boundaries, but if you feel the same way about the time we spent together, please respond to this letter and let me know where and when we could meet again.
Don't feel pressured, though — if I don't hear back from you I will assume you aren't interested and neither mention this nor bother you again.
I hope you recognised the flower signature — I tried my best to avoid getting you in trouble with your father too soon.
Yours,
Nerdanel
Dear Fëanáro,
Thank you so much for the flowers! Their message has been noted as well.
My father has begun wondering what all these letters and flowers are about, but worry not, I haven't told him anything yet. He isn't the most inquisitive or nosy sort either, fortunately for us.
Speaking of that, he will be visiting the halls of Lord Aulë shortly and stay for a while. I think this could be a lovely opportunity for you to visit — I would love to show you my workshop and some of my recent projects. Maybe we will even have time to make something together, if you like.
Let me know if you have time, though you can also visit spontaneously, should that be preferable to you — I am in my workshop all day, every day.
I look forward to seeing you again soon!
Yours truly,
Nerdanel
Dearest Fëanáro,
Thank you again for all the materials you brought! It truly wasn't necessary, but you know I always appreciate having something new to work with.
I also want to thank you again for visiting; I cannot remember the last time I had this much fun. You are the best crafting partner I found so far, that I can say for certain, and if you enjoyed yourself as well I would love to repeat this sometime soon.
Father tells me that he will be staying with Lord Aulë a while longer — I take it they got caught up in yet another project or are studying the properties of copper or something of that sort. I almost envy them a bit, I must say, but it matters little when I have my own crafting partner around.
Would you like me to bake something for us next time we meet? I will admit that I am not a master baker or anything, it merely is something I enjoy. Let me know what your favourite treats are, and I shall try my best; I promise the result will at least be edible. And if not I will find a replacement.
See you soon (hopefully)! I am looking forward to it!
Nerdanel
Thanks for reading! ♡
taglist: @asianbutnotjapanese @elanna-elrondiel @i-did-not-mean-to @saintstars @urwendii
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li xiangyi, yin, and femininity
we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)
this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.
[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]
-
there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.
[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]
阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:
Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]
while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.
sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.
as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.
one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)
-
a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.
it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.
-
I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)
"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)
by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.
it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.
conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.
-
now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.
how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.
that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心,而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.
(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)
it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.
a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.
this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.
xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.
-
anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.
it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?
the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.
bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)
he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.
zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).
imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.
in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.
it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)
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for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.
time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.
however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.
looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.
but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.
it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.
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he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.
what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易,断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.
perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)
it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.
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if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P
as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.
dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.
dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.
with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.
(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)
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to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.
there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?
in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)
I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.
I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):
明道若昧,进道若退,夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名
The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)
the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.
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Hi!! This might be awkward because it's my first time requesting something but I'll try my best.
Could you write a Fem!Reader x Farah where the reader is a Belly Dancer?
Just them meeting and feeling a spark between them. I'm a dancer and it would mean the world to me.
Thanx in advance!
Hey there! I went a little wild with that one since I've been wanting to write something a bit more elaborate for a while now, hope you don't mind =)
Farah with a Belly-Dancer!Reader
The chill of the evening made you shiver, its breeze gently caressing your skin as though you were a lover long lost. And yet, your performance continued as the audience cheered for you. Four evenings you had been performing now, calming the minds and souls of the weary freedom fighters that battled demons each day, trying to gain their freedom from their cruel oppressors. In the darkness of the night, you danced, giving them a glimpse of hope, showing them what they’re fighting for: A future in which neither man nor woman, adult nor child, had to fear for their life. A future in which everyone was treated as equal with love and compassion. From the ashes of war, that future would arise, growing, nurtured by the community found in the broken homes of the people crying for help. You were there to remind the fighters that that was the life to be had once all of this was over.
A small celebration it was, with many having gone to bed, dreaming of green plains among which their children would play. But not you. You would dance the night away. For as long as you could move, for as long as you could improve someone’s night, you would continue to dance. Your graceful movements, paired with the drums of another, made for quite the spectacle. Although tired, the people cheered for you to continue, to entertain them with your entire being. Those fights riddled them with fear, engraving into their hearts emblems of terror, but you dulled the pain, if just for the duration of which you performed your heart out. The rewards weren’t applause, whistles and flowers being thrown at your feet, it was tomorrow. A tomorrow that was one day closer to being ideal. One day, the wars would be over, but until then you shall hold on.
And the chill of the evening almost made her shiver as well. Farah took notice of the gathering of people over at the building, convening in front of it as though offerings to praise the gods were being made. But there was no such thing, for a benevolent and kind deity would never allow this many of her brothers and sisters to fall. And yet, her curiosity betrayed her in that she turned to look at the blissful scene. As her people clapped along to the music, she felt intrigued. Who was it that brought joy in such dark times? Who would bring about such bright smiles? Who would make those soldiers feel at ease during times of war? It must have been someone, who had lost their mind, evidently. And yet, there was a sense of gratitude. Why wallow in misery, one day it will all have been worth it. One day, those uncertain times would finally be over and they could finally rebuild their cities from the rubble, that, which has been so unfairly been laid waste to.
And among that stage was something Farah would have never believed, had she not seen it with her own eyes. A trick of the dim light, perhaps. Maybe even a phantom, sent to entice her. She was strong, much more so than even her closest companions would believe, but what she saw on stage gave her a feeling of contentment. There was no certainty you were real, perhaps you were an illusion caused by her fears and worries, perhaps you were a foul demon that sought to get her off her path of righteousness. Either way, you were ethereal. The passion behind your movements was enough to convince her that you must have been some greater being. You brought cheer and happiness to the almost hopeless. Oh, how Farah wished she could have gone onto that stage, show her chivalrous side and protect you from all harm. But her mission would allow her to do so anyway.
And what you saw almost made you freeze in place. A woman, hardened by the battles she’s fought and won, but the kindness in her eyes was very much there. She was rough around the edges, she had been beaten down so many times, but she never ceased to fight, she never ceased to do what was right. For herself and the people she believed in. From below, she stared right back at you, her eyes sparkling brighter than the stars above. Although you had recognized her from hearsay, you never would have thought you would get to see her in person, much less have someone of such importance watch your performance. It was the incentive you needed, the energy boost given to you after a small break, that invigorated you. You were born anew under her gaze, a warm feeling overcoming you. And just like that, just because that woman watched you with such intent, you could continue to dance the night away.
But even as that youthful joy began to settle in your heart, you felt the urge to talk to that woman. She, who had no name you knew of so far, had captivated you in a way you couldn’t describe as you were. Perhaps the gods knew what it was you were feeling, but you, a mere mortal, lacked the understanding. And thus, as the masses slowly began to disperse, seeking the warmth of rest, you stepped off the stage for just a moment. There she was, her arms crossed, and yet she seemed approachable. With a gentle smile, she waved you over. In a world where most deities seem to leave humanity to fend for its own, why would a goddess of beauty, love and war come to call you, of all people? It was an enigma you had naught but an inkling of a reason. And yet, despite all the wars she’s fought in, she seemed to be so kind. Your heart was drawn to hers.
“Your performance was really nice.” Her voice, sweeter than sugar trapped in honey, enticed you. Her melodious voice beckoned you closer, and you followed suit.
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you. You’re the commander, right? It’s an honor to meet you. I’m Y/N.” Almost shy in your approach, but you seemed more fierce than a lion defending his own kin. Although you held no guns, you fought for your beliefs in your own ways. How admirable.
Farah may not have been a believer of destiny, thinking that one could only carve one’s own path as the world would do whatever it took to prevent one from achieving the greatest of things, but it felt as though her and you had been intertwined. Oh, what cruelly sweet fate had brought you together? What made you meet under these circumstances? But perhaps fate had brought you together for a reason?
And for the first time that evening, the both of you could finally share in the warmth of a new companionship.
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the next chapter is all about empire~☆
(and it's going to be LATE :'^) i will do my best to get the inks done by the end of the month but that's the best i can hope for orz;;; )
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I'm gonna shut up after this fr but also after seeing Se/ri/Re/i being SO popular, like just shortly behind the main ship, I really expected more I'm sorry but their chemistry is 0%
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finally homeeeee oh god. week 2 of law school done and it's hitting like an 18 wheeler. the thing they dont tell u about going 2 school for reading and discussing the faults of society is that when u finally get a break from reading and discussing the faults of society ur brain refuses to use any horsepower even remotely related to reading or the faults of society so u simply. Marinate. on the bright side though im totally free for the weekend!
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guys i laurv college like actually. went out w a group of ppl and went to CVS and a mediocre pep rally. had a really sweet exchange w a bus driver. roommates are going out in a large group to have some of that sweet liquid sillies allegedly. i am alone in my dorm despite thinking i'd be the last one awake i am literally the only one here. and i'm happy i think :D
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okay but arlecchino's ultimate looks so much like plane of euthymia and acheron's ultimate. her idle and weapon resembles seele's animations... she's so hsr coded!!!
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