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pixiemunsons · 5 years

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It's Hard To Love An Addict Like Ariana Did. I Know Because I Do.

I know this isn't my regular post type, but I'd really appreciate if you gave it a read. Thank you.

Rapper and singer Mac Miller died on Friday the 7th of September of a suspected drug overdose in his Los Angeles home. He was 26 years old. Since his death, both the music and fan community have been rocked, with tributes from the likes of Drake, Liam Gallagher and Elton. Self-proclaimed “mumble rapper” Lil Xan has gone as far to get a face tattoo in memorial of his fellow musician. However, Miller’s death has also opened up discussions on social media about the circumstances surrounding what would appear to be a sudden, tragic downfall, with his previous drug habits and recent break up with pop singer Ariana Grande in particular being suspected by fans as causes for his untimely demise.

Miller stated in multiple interviews that he was addicted to a variety of drugs, in particular a drink consisting of promethazine and codeine usually made with cough syrup and prescription drugs. The drink has been linked to a number of other deaths in the rap community; DJ Screw, who died of a codeine overdose in 2000; Pimp C who was found dead in 2007 after ingesting the mixture in a hotel room; Fredo Santana, whose death was only eight months before Miller’s, is believed to have been as a result of kidney failure induced by lean; and Lil Peep, who in 2017 died of a fentanyl overdose but was found with codeine in his system after years of abusing the drink. Miller is another in a long line of drug addicted rappers – so why are we blaming Ariana?

Miller and Grande met when recording song “The Way” in March 2013, during the video of which they kissed. Whilst at the time both were in long-term relationships, in July of the same year Miller referred to Grande as being “like an angel, she’s very nice, she’s a sweet girl.” In August 2016, Miller became involved in producing a remix of Grande’s hit song “Into You,” and later in the same month the two were spotted cuddling and kissing at the MTV VMA Award after party. This was to be the start of an almost two-year relationship, which whilst seemingly perfect on social media has been slammed by Ariana as “toxic”. Within two months of her and Mac splitting, Grande was engaged to SNL star Pete Davidson, which many of Miller’s fans believe led to his May 2018 collision with a lamppost whilst driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Grande fiercely denied the accusations on Twitter, calling their relationship “toxic” and stating that she is “not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be.” She also described Mac as having an “inability to keep his shit together,” believed by many to be a reference to his drug addictions and sobriety issues. Of course, Mac was dead four months later, and the comments on Grande’s Instagram page show that many attribute this to their break-up; Grande has been described as “lowkey evil” and has been told by fans that she “killed” Miller with her actions. Grande’s Instagram comments have been disabled since Miller’s death.

I, for one, understand exactly how Ariana feels. The addict in my life is neither addicted to hard drugs, nor is he my significant other. He is my father, and he has been a drunk since before I was born. My struggles with my father have, on many occasions, forced me to withdraw contact. Once, when I was 16, I returned from an eight-hour shift at midnight to find him almost unconscious under his tipped-over sofa, three empty bottles of wine surrounding him and what appeared to be spilt drinks and cigarette ash ground into the carpet despite smoking indoors being both against his rent agreement and the rules I had set into place if I was to continue sleeping at his house. I slept at my uncle’s that night, and when I went back to my father’s house to confront him with his brother, he was asleep at 3pm and couldn’t remember the events of the night before, during which I had screamed bloody murder at him and he had called me a dozen times in a drunken attempt to win favour. My sister, two years younger than me and yet, even at 14, disturbingly aware of my father’s alcoholism, had stayed at my uncle’s house the night before when he came to drop her off after a day out and, despite it being only 4pm, discovered an empty bottle of wine at my father’s feet.

Like Ariana, I made multiple attempts over the years to discourage my father’s drinking in many ways. I begged, cried, pleaded and, eventually, screamed at him in order to pt across my feelings; that he, like he always had, was putting drinking above my feelings and my sister’s. His drinking was one of the main reasons my mother had left him when I was ten years old, and I was determined that even if my relationship with him broke down the same way his marriage had, his relationship with my sister was going to be resolved, attempts of mine that have failed as she has grown to resent him as I do. Despite my best efforts, my father’s addiction appears to be unsolvable. I have pleaded with him to enter rehab, yet his own mother, my grandmother, is so protective of her youngest son that she refuses to acknowledge his addiction, creating a route for my father to live in denial of his problems and to blame me for the issues in our relationship. Miller’s friends, since his death, have stated that no one attempted to help Mac as much as she did, with friend Shane Powers stating that “there couldn’t have been anybody more supportive of him being sober than Ariana.” I can only hope that my father’s family, and my family, understand my reasons for cutting off fatherly contact.

My father’s addiction is set to a backdrop of familial secrets and issues, hidden by the primary and central members of his extended family; first his father’s mother, then his aunt, and now his own mother. My family is riddled with disease and addiction, a taboo in the eyes of the elders, yet pressing issues for us in the next generation who are forced to deal with the after effects of these secrets. Huntington’s disease, a terminal genetic disorder which effects the nervous system and kills its’ victims young, is rife in my family; out of my grandfather’s nine siblings, five – including him – have or had the illness. It kills young, and my own grandfather died at 65. My father is now 47, and yet his own disease is progressing faster than usual; his cousins of the same age are just now starting to exhibit symptoms, whilst my father is coming to the end of his ability to walk. I now realise that this is likely a result of his drinking yet, in a sad twist of fate, my father began drinking to deal with the pain of his own father’s diagnosis. This sad fact affects many I know; just last year, my father’s cousin died at 52 from a heroin overdose following years of substance abuse. Just like the rap community, my regular, suburban family is followed by a crisis that no one dares speak out about, no matter how many deaths take place. There are many Mac Millers’, and almost as many Arianas’, cousins of mine in my exact situation. We are all aged from 14 up to 30, and our parents and uncles and aunts refuse to discuss with us the issues we face, so we talk in secret. Weddings, christenings and, more and more often, funerals, have become places for hushed whispers in corners, each of us telling stories; drugs, drinking, illness and affairs created by the unusual backdrop of our upbringings. My boyfriend frequently comments on how unusual it is that no discussion takes place regarding negative subjects in my family; that life appears to be perfect, when in reality it is a dream world created by my older relatives to save face.

I know exactly how Ariana feels because I have tried for many years to get my father sober, and have never been able to succeed. I also know that, even as I have cut my father off just as Ariana finished her relationship with Miller, I will be as devastated by his death as she was by his, and will likely receive the same backlash from my own family as she did from her own fans. I’ll likely be young, as she was – I am only 18 now, yet my father is more and more ill by the day. And yet, despite all of this, I can relate to Ariana for one reason more than any other; we have both loved addicts, and it was the hardest thing either of us has ever done.

#ariana #arianagrande #macmiller #mac #tw; alcohol #tw; addiction #mine #ariandmac #tw #trigger warning #pixiehollands

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