THATS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE BOOKS YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS

obsessed with colfer’s throwaway line that implied that fairies AND vampires both exist in the artemis fowl universe unaware of the other’s existence

Happy Pride Month, Have Canon quotes from The Artemis Fowl books with concept of Artemis being low-key Trans. (Except for the last one, that one is not canon quotes.)

Artemis keeps his dead name because: 

1) Its Bad Ass

2)  Butler, While cleaning his precious sig sauer: “Sir, it’s not my place to ask, but have you considered changing your legal name and documentation before your next birthday?”

Artemis looks up with his iconic icey blue eyes from his position of pouring over the People’s book, as he was delicately entering information to decode it into his computer before his huge companion interrupted his very important task with such a foolish question.

“Butler.” He starts simply. “Why would I waste valuable time doing something as trivial as legal paperwork when there are the fairy people to extort for obscene amounts of gold to finance my plans. You know this is all part of the plan.”

“Yes. The plan.” Butler puts his gun in it’s holster. “I understand, sir.”

Then the computer dings, he’s crack the fairy code. Bam, Iconic vampire grin as Artemis knows he’s done it, now it’s time to capture a fairy. The Fairy world is about to fear the very name Artemis Fowl and yield to his incredibly obscene demands for 1 metric ton of gold.

3) Makes him beating Spiro and gloating about his name even better. Artemis is melodramatic af when he can be.

More yelling

Pov: you grew up reading weird fantasy in the early 2000s

Today On: Dark-Haired Male Characters Who Give Me Similar But Subtly Different Vibes 

So we watched Artemis Fowl the movie and I yelled about it on Twitter

Disney, honey, you’re KILLING us, and not in a good way.

I present to you, Artemis Fowl: In a Bind.

Back at it again with my Trans Artemis Fowl Shenanigans with what I like to imagine as a Trans Rite of Passage: Getting stuck in a Binder.

I spent entirely too long on these but it’s nice to be able to draw somewhat decent again.

"My child is completely fine" Ma'am, your child just found that all of his favourite stories are about found family.

Artemis and Holly is watching a Disney's 'Artemis Fowl'

My fave book series turns 20! (What is that in Artemis years?) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this series is a constant source of happiness and inspiration. I love the books, and even more the community which has grown around it, which has really informed the books for me. There’s a lot of canon I’m not even sure is really canon, and I love it.

So here’s to 20 more years of fanon, art, and crazy memes. To fanfiction and scholarly introspection. To Artemis Fowl, our favorite disaster child.

Colin Farrell in Artemis Fowl (2020)

has this been done yet

(never forget Alfred Pennyworth had read the book)

You can not convince me that baby Artemis’ first word was not “Butler” or, given baby pronunciation “Utler”

Why the Artemis Fowl book nerds are big mad about the Disney movie

I can go on a longer more detailed rant if anyone wants me to, but, but here are three main reasons we all lost it about the film.

1. They whitewashed the character of Holly Short.

In the books, she’s frequently described as having “nut-brown skin”.

Here is Holly in the movie:

I guess Disney understood “nut-brown” to be “white like the inside of an almond”.

As a sidenote, she’s also whitewashed in the graphic novels:

2. They made the character of Commander Root a woman (and had a bunch of female officers in the Lower Element Police force).

Now, don’t get me wrong; in most situations I and the rest of the Artemis Fowl crowd would be thrilled to have more female representation in a movie.

But Artemis Fowl isn’t like most situations. 

You see, in the book Holly being the only woman in the police force was a subplot that served as social commentary on sexism in the workplace: 

Holly was the first woman ever allowed to join the force, and faces a lot of unfair scrutiny simply because she is a woman. Commander Root in particular is extra hard on her about her doing everything perfectly, and she’s under the impression that it’s because he doesn’t think she should be there, but we later find out it’s actually the opposite; he knows that she will need to be twice as good as her male coworkers in order to be seen as half as good and he pushes her to be perfect to make sure no one has the opportunity to claim she should be taken off the force.

It’s a beloved empowering subplot with an important message that requires only a few quick exchanges and they took it out. 

3. Who are you and what have you done with Artemis Fowl?

Artemis Fowl in the first book is a villain, plain and simple. Cold-hearted and  calculating, his kidnapping of Holly has nothing redeemable about it; he wants fairy gold to bring his Irish mafia family name back to its former status. That’s it. 

There’s nothing about saving his missing dad (that’s in the second book), and there’s no Opal Koboi (she’s from the fourth book) acting as a villain because the villain of book one is Artemis.

The draw of the first book is that the protagonist is also the antagonist, while the draw of the series as a whole is seeing Artemis grow as a character from a criminal mastermind to a reluctant kind-of hero and watching his relationship to Holly change from enemies to partners-because-they-have-no-choice to slooowly becoming friends in the later books.

Made some memes to vent about this awful movie and also my fear for the School for Good and Evil movie that was recently announced.

i reread artemis fowl book 1 (to make myself more pissed after the movie) and it's SO funny how artemis would literally psychologically torture someone into giving him gold but at the same time thinks you shouldnt hunt whales for oil

I’m not angry. Just disappointed

I watched the Artemis Fowl movie so you don’t have to

Mulch narrates the whole thing which is just as bad as it sounds

Artemis gets angry when he finds out that his dad is being accused of criminal activity, because “he’s my dad he would never!”

There’s this awful amazing scene where Arty is skateboarding with one of those one-wheel things and I laughed way more than I should

Yes Disney just decided to kill off his mum before the movie even takes place which makes no sense

Artemis spend quality time with his dad?? And his dad says I love you while they’re hugging??? Very out of character for everyone involved

The actual dialogue is very bad, very cliche and just.... *shudders*

Instead of it being a pile of stolen gold it’s some weird weapon thingy. Might be cuz I haven’t read the books in years but I don’t remember that at all

Butler is v strange. Yeah they made him black instead of following the actual representation in the books because That’s Disney Baby! But they also gave him super bright blue eyes which look very fake.

Apparently Artemis Senior is just trying to protect humanity... seems fake but ok

Jokes about fake discrimination that I don’t really understand

And that’s just the first 20 minutes!!

Yes Disney ruined the awesome thing about Holly being the first girl in LEP and in doing so ignored the presentation of gender inequality and how Holly defies that

Yeah she’s white ouch

Haven city looks like a ripoff of any Star Wars scene ever

At exactly 24:47 Foaly makes the stupidest noise ever it’s funny but not in a good way

They made Holly seem bad and inexperienced for no reason

“Stay shielded at all times Holly!”

*bursts out of a volcanoe screaming and flying over a city*

Foaly is my only solace in this movie. He’s beautiful and he’s a centaur and he wears a skirt. What more is there to say?

Half an hour left and I have a feeling of remorse that it hasn’t ended

They did not make Julia or Butler cool at all

Kind of spoilers but Butler started dying at one point and I don’t actually know why. All he says when he recovers is “I didn’t cry did I?” Congrats on reinforcing toxic masculinity Disney

MULCH’S MOUTH AHHHH WTF

There’s slow motion a couple times and it’s very jittery and stuttery

For some reason no one other than Artemis and Dad Artemis actually has an Irish accent

Imma be real with you guys I felt a bit hollow when I finished. God that sucked. That troll wasn’t even rendered well.

-69/10 Artemis didn’t even get any gold