#as a side note the Mor and Elain scenes happened with two chapters of each other

[yazthebookish]

I loved all of what Sarah highlighted in her interview today and I'll elaborate a bit especially on the romance part:

In Maas’ fantasy worlds, love interests often exist as fated “mates,” with invisible strings between them that are powerful and often poetic. Readers can see the literary metaphors, like complementary powers between two characters. But other times, there are no metaphors, with their connection initially seeming random.

She's too attached to the mate trope and I like that she gives us different cases and scenarios for it, otherwise it'll be boring.

“Sometimes, I will write a scene with two characters that I’ve planned for them to get together, and then they have no …” She shakes her head slightly at me. “It’s like holding two dolls and being like, now kiss! And they won’t. … And then sometimes a different character will walk in and they will just” — she snaps.

I yelled at this part because it's as if she plucked the scene from Azriel's bonus chapter and used it as an example. Those parallels between Elain and Gwyn are intentional. It doesn't mean Elain is bad it's just their dynamic doesn't work as a couple and it was obvious to the author. I know she didn't specify who this was about but like, come on, who tried to kiss and which character showed up in a bonus chapter after that depressing scene and gave a glimmer of hope?

“It feels like magic in a way where, as much as I tried to plot out things years in advance, I let my characters guide a story. And they usually wind up with the people that they need to be with and who offer them the most growth and joy.”

I love this so much and allow me to speak about my favorite ship and its because the snippets we saw of Az and Gwyn together especially in the bonus chapter brought out a lighter version of Az. His scenes with Gwyn were light-hearted and the bonus chapter ends on a hopeful note for them. It's hard to deny that connection between them whether you theorize she's luring him or they're mates, those theories wouldn't exist if she had no ties to him (she's in his own chapter like come on).

I go the philosophical route with my next question: We’re talking about fate here, but at what point is a character the agent of their own fate? What happens if someone rejects their mate? (Listen, if I were Fae and I didn’t like my mate, whatever God chose for me is not my business.)

People are jumping the gun and assume this example is set to be Elucien but... we have Helion and Lady of Autumn likely being an example of a tragic rejected mates story (if you read ACOWAR and their history it's obvious they're mates). Maybe it's Mor and Eris and that's the secret that ties them to each other. We have other characters from other series too.

For a convincing mate rejection story in my opinion, it needs more than one book or it's a case that we see with side characters where we can see their history and the long-term implications of a rejected bond.

It's too easy of a story to have one person's central conflict be the words "no I reject you" and they're done. Again, this is not exclusive to ACOTAR but also her other series.

“That’s something I find to be very interesting,” she replies. “What if the forces that be put you with the wrong person? Or what if you just decide, eh, I’m not interested. … There’s a lot to explore within the concept of mates and your agency about it.

The concept of agency is something many readers in the fandom discussed especially when it comes to mating bonds and there were arguments on (would Rhys fell for Feyre if she wasn't his mate or would have Cassian fell for Nesta if she wasn't his mate). We know that some mates don't work out but stay together because their dynamic is unhealthy (Rhys's and Tamlin's parents). We got examples of a loveless mating bond already.

We also saw that Nesta didn't immediately accept the term "mate" because it would mean cutting off her last tether with humanity. It's not a matter of "you're my mate" "yes I'll be with you", the dynamic between the mated couple is important to explore.

“I’m not going to say if I am exploring it in future books or not,” she continues, “but it definitely offers a wealth of things to explore with this concept of freewill and what is true love. Is it something that’s destined? Or is it something that you make? Is it both?”

This part aligns with what I think about Elucien. We never had a mated pairing who knew they were mates but are not in love with each other. Every mated couple found out they're mates when they were already in love.

Can a destined love turn into true love? Or do you settle for a destined love without love being in the equation. Love wasn't in the equation for Rhys's parents, but love was the equation for Feysand and Nessian. Elucien was left unexplored for a reason and both Elain and Lucien view each other by label "mate", they didn't have a chance to get to know each other. So it's going to be very interesting to see them navigate their feelings for each other despite the mating bond.

I didn't expect her to elaborate a lot on this but I love that she did and I hope in future interviews she gives us more good bits about her writing and examples of the decisions she took for some characters and couples.

Didn't expect this post to be long but happy reading! I'm still reeling from HOFAS 🥲

#acotar #gwynriel #elucien #nessian

[aldbooks]

ACOTAR Masterlist

AO3 ALDBooks

ACOTAR 🥀

Like After Images - Valkyrie Week prompt 'Blood Rite' *TW*

Several weeks after the Blood Rite, once the excitement of Nesta's mating ceremony and the birth of Nyx subside, the Valkyrie wade through the aftermath of what they faced in the Blood Rite

The Temporary Roommate - T - 3/3 - 13,951words

ACOTAR Secret Santa 2022 gift Mor's meddling family sends her and Emerie away to her estate for two weeks. It's either the best, or the worst thing that ever happened. She hadn't yet decided.

A Strange Melody - M - 12/12 - 19,752

ACOTAR Secret Santa 2023 gift for @sunshinebingo - a Gwynriel Little Mermaid AU

ACOTAR Writing Circle 3

A Friendly Wager - M - 1/1 - 2,205 words

Gwynriel oneshot fluffy fun - Alternate storyline A Fresh Spark

“Because of you I didn’t sleep at all last night” prompt Gwynriel

“I’m guessing you stole them?” Prompt Gwynriel

Azriel and his mother headcanons

Gwynriel/Kanthony headcanon

The necklace - Angsty Gwynriel

Snap me baby one more time - Nessian 2,175 words

Inspired by all the gym bro thirst traps that keep crossing my FYP that remind me of Cassian. Here's a silly little Nessian one shot with a side Gwynriel and Emorie plot (naturally)

Bodyshop - E - 4/4 - 19,441 words

Inspired by the song Unholy by Sam Smith & Kim Petra Mor and Cassian drag Azriel to Rita's the strip club the partially own with their friend Rhysand to see a new troop of dancers. A trio of women who go by the name Valkyrie.

Don’t you wanna be more than friends? - M - 3,839 words

Azriel and Gwyn have been growing steadily closer thanks to their midnight meetings in the training ring but, tonight, something is different... TW: mentions of SA

“Who says I want to reject it?” - Elucien

Drunk confessions - Elucien

Elucien angsty Drabble & Part 2

More angsty Elucien 

The haircut - Lucien cuts his hair and Elain has feelings about it

Gwynriel/Elucien drabble

Should've Stayed Dead - M - 4,437 words

Nessian (sort of) Lucien receives a message requesting a meeting with the Night Court. Specifically, the Archeron sisters. Cassian's POV

Angsty prompts requests:

Elucien [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

Gwynriel [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

Lucien/Feyre [1]

Her tears like diamonds on the floor - 1,610words

Angsty Gwynriel Starfall drabble

Embrace - E - 14/? :

Collection of Smut prompt requests including the following ships:

Amren x Varian

Gwynriel

Helion x LoA

Feysand

Elucien

Viviane x Kallias

Jassa

Nessian

Gwynriel week prompts:

Solstice Night

“You’re the new ribbon Az”

To Win a Prince - Cinderella AU

Future Elucien story inspired by Persuasion - The Remembrance of Regret

Rosaline inspired Gwynriel scene

Gwynriel sparring

My Jolly Sailor Bold - Gwynriel mermay

I thought my demons were almost defeated but you took their side and you pulled them to freedom - Gwynriel based on @acourtdelaluna head canon

Moth to Flame - Gwynriel Summer Solstice

Frost and Flame - Pure angst from Lucien's POV, no happy ending

A Court of Light and Shadows series - Elucien/Gwynriel

This series consists of an Elucien prequel then a Gwynriel and Elucien story that run tandem to each other - the directions for the tandem read are in the notes of each respective chapter for those interested

A Breaking - M - 1/1 - 2,899 words

After witnessing the almost kiss on Winter Solstice, Lucien makes a decision.

A Court of Shadows - E - 37/37 - 94,718 words

Azriel has begun to notice that his thoughts regarding a certain priestess have begun to shift. Before he can fully set aside his more inappropriate musings, Gwyn makes a proposal he can't resist

A Court of Light - M - 31/31 - 88,258 words

A year after the events of A Breaking, Elain feels a tug on the bond and realizes her estranged mate is in danger. Lucien, now returned to the Night Court, wonders if he might have been too hasty in his decision to leave, and if there might still be a chance for him with his mate

#acotar fanfiction #masterlist #gwynriel #elucien #emorie #helion x loa #nessian #amren and varian #feysand #kallias x viviane #jassa

[icedflames]

Azriel & his scarred hands

With Mor:

With Nesta:

With Elain:

&&

Azriel is obviously insecure about his hands. He feels like his work (torture) makes him unworthy. He’s self deprecating.

But Elain called his hands beautiful (making Azriel blush) and shivered under his touch, even if his hands were scarred and did “bad” things.

#elriel #elain #azriel #anti gwynriel #anti elucien #acotar #acosf #acotar quote #how do you read the Elriel scenes and just not think it’s endgame #it’s so cute #ugh #as a side note the Mor and Elain scenes happened with two chapters of each other #I don’t think that was a coincidence #mine

[gwynrielsupremacist]

A COURT OF LIGHT AND SHADOWS

Chapter 2: Reason

Read it at AO3

Masterlist

If it were up to Azriel, right now he would rather be juggling burning knives.

Blindfolded.

And in a dark room.

They were in the huge alcove of the High Lord of the Night Court, as Rhysand removed shirts and jackets from his dressing room that he claimed were appropriate for Cassian's attire at his ceremony.

Although Azriel, sitting in one of the chairs that were nearby, watching the scene with his chin on his hands, he was rethinking why he thought this would be a good idea.

After the 'incident' with Elain and Rhys, he had made up his mind that he would never think of Elain that way again.

Of course, that was rather difficult when she was always where the Spymaster passed.

Was he going to the kitchen? Elain would be there with Nuala and Cerridwen.

Was he going to the living room? Elain would be there with Feyre and Nyx.

Possibly one day he would find her in his bed, wearing lingerie, as a gift just for hia enjoyment, tearing off the tiny pieces of undergarments and-

"Azriel?" The sound of his name brought him out of his trance. "Have you been paying attention to something I've said in the last 20 minutes?" 

He knew that his shadows, moving slowly over his neck, covered any variation of his arousal but, just in case, he watched Rhysand's reaction, knowing if he knew the reason for his daydreaming, he would be enraged.

However, Rhys's face revealed absolutely nothing, only joy for his brother and bewilderment on the part of the Shadowsinger.

Usually Azriel was the one who had to warn his brothers to pay attention to him, not the other way around.

He shook his head to Cassian's question, to which he sighed, visibly tired and irritated: "I was wondering if navy would look better than black, but I have no idea what Nesta would like." He muttered. Apparently having a mating ceremony wasn't all the color of roses. "I'll stick with the black one, I  don't think the suit will last long after we go to that cabin." He announced as he and Rhys gave each other knowing glances, grinning mischievously.

That was another arrow to his badly wounded heart.

He was happy for his brothers, of course he was.  There was no other male who deserved a mate as much as Rhys and Cassian, but ...

What about him?

Azriel stopped intervening in the conversation at that moment. He usually did not want to participate in those conversations, but it seemed that that day he was the worst of all.

"The worst day will be the mating ceremony, Shadowsinger. You must prepare for that day if you do not want to fall from grace" Recommended their shadows.

It was true. There would be no worse day than the ceremony.

With Rhys's ceremony it had been the same. As soon as the ceremony was over, he had to go to a Sex club to get rid of the arousal and despair that he felt throughout his body.

It was not fair. Was the Cauldron so macabre?

Had he done so much harm to the world that they deprived him of the experience of having a mate?

He swallowed silently, keeping his face mask neutral, no emotion leaving his face.

He thanked whoever had given him that ability, it was fucking useful at times like these.

Three hours later, Cassian ended up deciding what costume to wear, the black one, and the conversation between the commander and the High Lord died as well.

Cassian left, muttering that he had forgotten something in the House of Wind, although it was possibly an excuse.

The atmosphere in the room had quickly become charged, before the challenging stares of those two.

Although Azriel supposed that he should stay away from the House as well, since he did not need his shadows to tell him that it had served him with a double purpose, he was probably going to fuck Nesta until they both could not hold on foot.

Azriel started to get up, but was prevented by a force in his chest from Rhysand.

"Maybe he had found out about my scent change, after all." He guessed, preparing his best poker face for the onslaught the High Lord was going to bring him.

They stared at each other, studying possible reactions, waiting for who was the first to speak.  Things had gotten tense on their part since Solstice.

Azriel knew, as did Rhysand, that no matter how much he wanted to possess Elain's body, he would never betray Rhysand. Punch him, maybe.  But he will never betray his High Lord.

"I notice you are somewhat distracted, Azriel."  The High Lord commented, sitting down on a chair and intertwining his fingers, dropping them into his lap. "I hope there were no overnight escapades on either side." Rhysand knew perfectly well what he was talking about.

Like Azriel.

"None. I did what you asked." He secured, leaning back, with the advantage that the High Lord didn't know that in reality, his thoughts were a hell of 'wills and cannot'.

Rhysand nodded slightly, rising from his chair, to which Azriel copied the movement.

Azriel knew he shouldn't be fooling around when Rhysand was in that mode, but he couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite.

"You took Feyre away from Tamlin when she still thought she loved him. Elain doesn't love Lucien, yet you separate her from me." Azriel thought. He knew those thoughts didn't make any sense, but right now he was the only thing he could think about.

His shadows were scattered around the room, ready to attack if something happened to his master, while some were on his shoulders, caressing the area in tension.

"I want to keep it that way." Rhysand emphasized, walking ahead of him, silently asking him to follow. He did it. "Things are going bad, Azriel, I don't need any more trouble than is inevitable."

"What problems?" This one answered. "According to my spies, Koschei hasn't shown any signs of life, so I don't see what a problem there could be."

"That Koschei is not showing signs of life does not mean that he is not operating in secret." He suggested, walking into the nursery, with Nyx in the crib, sleeping peacefully.

The High Lord's face changed dramatically.

It was no longer the face of the most powerful High Lord in history. It was the face of a father watching a son, with awe and love in it.

"I can't bear that my son has to spend his early years with that bastard of Koschei in the middle."

"We will protect it." Azriel confirmed, also looking at the small bundle wrapped in sheets. "I will protect him with my own life, if necessary."

Rhysand looked into his eyes, and in a pleading voice, he said:

"Do you understand then? Why I ask you to separate from Elain?" As much as he hated doing that, he nodded. "I cannot allow jealousy and desires to be put through the protection of the court. Things are bad enough to make them worse."

As much as it was hard to keep his gaze neutral, he continued to nod, but anger crept through his mind, clouding his reason.

"And how much trouble would Elain and I have?"

Rhysand was silent for a moment. Azriel guessed

he was steadying himself so as not to punch him in front of his son's bed. Instead of doing so, he asked:

"I don't want you to avoid the question. You are not going to avoid the question." The High Lord manifested. "What the hell happened with Mor, Az?

That theme again.

"Why whenever we talk about Elain, do you end up talking about Mor?" The Spymaster snarled, the shadows preparing to attack, noting the tension in the environment.

"I do it because you have completely forgotten Mor, Azriel. You have been in love with her for over 500 years." He remembered. "I can't believe you traded Mor for Elain in so little time."

"And why do you fucking care?" He growled again, backing away from the room for fear of waking the boy.

"Mor is my cousin, Azriel, and I think I deserve an explanation. Have you given up? And now I suppose Elain will be the consolation prize, right?

It took Azriel more of the self-control he possessed not to slam his fist into the High Lord's nose. If he hadn't been his superior, Rhysand would be bleeding badly right now.

"Elain will never be a consolation prize." He barked, leaving the house and spreading his wings to fly up, but was interrupted by Rhys's hand on his arm, an anchor holding him to the ground.

"Give me a reason."  He started to say. "Tell me one fucking reason why Elain deserves to be your mate, and not Lucien's."

"Are you comparing me to… to that one?" He murmured in a voice icy and deadly, the voice that sent chills to the poor people who had to listen to it. Rhysand didn't even flinch.

"You are both different and equal at the same time." He evaded, then returning to the initial question. "Give me a logical reason, and I will allow Elain to stay with you."

Baring his teeth at him, Azriel leapt, taking flight and away from those feelings, roaring with rage when he realized that he had not a single reason to be worthy of Elain.

TAG LIST: @bookish-isha @imsointobooks @shisingh @feyretale @niaacotar @flora-shadowshine @tealnymph24 @trashforazriel @hlizr50 @meher-sumedha @heyovivi @positivewitch @greywarens-magician @sageofthegalaxy @valkygwyn @verifiefangirl @verifiefangirl-mainblog @snickerdoodlechittybangbang @genya-berdara @katekatpattywack @ddsworldofbooks @secretlovelybeauty @starbornsinger @sv0430

#gwynriel #gwynriel fic #my fic #ao3 #azriel #gwyneth #gwyn #acosf

[inkedstarlight]

Bittersweet: Chapter Six

Summary: It's Thanksgiving, and Nesta and Elain are invited to celebrate with the Inner Circle. Unfortunately, the holiday brings back bad memories for Nesta... Note: Read it on AO3 here! Bittersweet Masterlist Warnings: this chapter contains more explicit child abuse (physical), and there is self-inflicted scratching in one scene (not explicit), heavy angst

November

Nesta hated Thanksgiving: the cooking, bland traditions, family bonding, football games. It was torture. She despised ‘giving thanks’ at the dinner table; Nesta would gladly kill the fool who came up with that idiotic idea.

To be fair, Nesta loathed every holiday.

But Thanksgiving was the worst… followed closely by Valentine’s Day.

Fucking Hallmark.

Everyone was invited to Feyre’s tonight to celebrate. Much like the Archeron sisters, none of her friends had immediate family, so every Thanksgiving was Friendsgiving (as Mor liked to say). Feyre assigned each person a certain dish. Nesta was to make an appetizer.

Nesta had burnt pizza bagels on more than one occasion. She’d once baked brownies, but those turned out so rock solid that Elain broke her gods-damn tooth whilst eating it. How the fuck did they expect her to cook a whole ass appetizer?

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” Elain was sitting at the breakfast bar as Nesta flipped through her many cookbooks. Elain - being the outstanding cook she was - had volunteered to prepare the turkey, so she was going to Feyre’s place a couple hours early to get it ready.

“No, you go ahead. I got this,” Nesta assured her.

"Okay," Elain chirped.

“Nervous to see Azriel?” Nesta asked as she watched Elain shrug on her coat. She wore a pale pink sweater and light jeans, brown boots covering her from the knees down. Her wavy hair fell loosely over her shoulders. Her face was free of makeup, and she was absolutely glowing.

“Nesta, it’s not a big deal,” Elain said, shooting her a pointed look. “I barely know him.”

“It better stay that way," Nesta grumbled back.

Elain groaned and grabbed her purse. “I’m going to head out. If you have any questions -"

“Yeah, yeah,” she shooed her away. “I have you on speed dial.”

Elain blew her a kiss and walked out the door.

------------------------------

It wasn’t until an hour later when Nesta finally settled on an appetizer: cornbread. It looked easy enough and more importantly, Nesta recognized all the ingredients. She stumbled around the kitchen for a half hour as she managed to locate all the necessary items and figure out what a 'sifter' was.

I mean, really? Why the fuck do I need to make the flour less lumpy? There aren't any in the first place.

The recipe said it would only take thirty minutes.

The recipe was wrong.

After an hour and a half of slaving over the stove, the oven timer finally went off.

"Took long enough," Nesta mumbled to herself as she opened the door and took out the cornbread.

She didn't realize her mistake until her bare hands clutched the pan. The very hot pan.

“Fuck!” Nesta cried out, pulling her hand back instinctively and shaking it in pain. She gritted her teeth to stop herself from screaming. Nesta looked down to see the damage. The moment her eyes took in the bubbly red skin, she was transported back in time.

It was Thanksgiving, and Nesta was seven years old. She woke up that morning with a grin as she thought about cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Jumping out of bed, she pattered to the kitchen. It was ten in the morning. No one else was awake.

Nesta sighed, and made her way to the couch. She opened the book she'd been reading - one about magical adventures and strong women - and bid her time until the rest of the house woke up.

Nesta finished her book in an hour. She was still alone, so she decided to grab a snack from the kitchen. Her mom didn't usually make them breakfast; she slept in late.

After Nesta gobbled down the granola bar, she decided to wait outside her mom's door. Nesta wanted to be the first one to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Then, maybe her mom would let her help with the cooking.

So, she grabbed a blanket from her room, careful not to wake her sisters, and settled on the floor right outside her mom's bedroom. Her dad slept in the spare room across the hall. Nesta didn’t bother waking him up; he never got out of bed anymore.

It made her sad.

Finally, Feyre and Elain woke up. They all whispered each other a Happy Thanksgiving as her sisters made their way to the kitchen to eat 'breakfast.'  But right after, they came back and sat with her for a while, their heads resting on Nesta’s shoulders. Elain told them about the dreams she'd had last night while Feyre dozed off on Nesta.

The clock passed noon. Then one o'clock. Two o'clock.

All the way until five in the evening.

When the sun began setting, Nesta convinced her sisters to go play outside – that she’d talk to Mom about dinner. They reluctantly left Nesta to her lonesome but just minutes later, she could hear the shrieks of her sisters across the street.

Nesta's patience was wore thin. She stood up, legs aching from the hardwood floor. She didn't bother knocking as she entered her mom's room.

She opened the door to find her mom sprawled out on the bed, limbs splayed and hair rumpled. The room was dark, the bathroom window the only light source. Nesta was almost certain there wasn't even a light bulb in the bedside lamp. Empty liquor bottles littered the grimy floor. Nesta was careful to step around the glass as she approached her mom.

“Mommy?” Nesta whispered, shaking her shoulders until she rose to consciousness. She blinked groggily, her eyes bloodshot. Nesta smiled tentatively. “Happy Thanksgiving."

Her mom didn’t say anything. She simply took in Nesta who was perched on the edge of her bed. Her eyes seemed to darken at the mere sight of her.

“Uh... we've been hungry all day. When are you gonna cook -"

Before Nesta could finish her sentence, her mother was grabbing her arm and dragging her out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” Nesta watched her mother turn on the burner to high. Her eyes lit up. “Oh, I want to help you cook!”

A rush of excitement went through her and she asked, “Do you want me to grab ingredients from the pantry?”

Her mom remained silent, and Nesta’s enthusiasm quickly disappeared when she noticed the look on her face – it was the face her mom made right before she punished Nesta.

She didn't have enough time to process what was happening as her mom picked her up and forcing her hand onto the scalding burner.

Her world shattered. Nesta let out an ear-piercing scream followed by an agonized sob. Her throat burned and her hand burned and her heart burned. She tried to take her hand off, to kick out of her mom’s arms, but she was holding her so tight. So tight. Nesta was going to die, she wouldn't be able to tell her sisters goodbye before she went to Heaven, oh gods -

Her mom dropped her on the floor. Hard. Her head hit the wooden cabinet, and her teeth rattled with the impact.

Nesta saw black.

She was gasping so hard and the floor was spinning. She felt something warm trickle down her temple.

“Mommy, help!” She cradled her hand. Angry, red blisters covered the entirety of her palm. She could barely see, tears blurring her vision. “It hurts -" she choked on a sob “-it hurts so much.”

Her mother sneered down at her, not a sliver of love in her gray eyes – Nesta’s eyes. “Maybe this will remind you why you shouldn’t fucking wake me up! Are you really this incompetent, Nesta?”

“N-n-no, Mommy. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her eyes squeezed shut as if she could transport herself from reality. Take her away from the pain.

“How the fuck do you think anyone’s going to care about you when you act like this, huh? Fucking hell, you always make everything worse!”

“I’m sorry.” Nesta kept repeating the words over and over again until her mom retreated back to her bedroom with a slam of the door.

When Elain and Feyre came back an hour later, Nesta and her mom were sitting at the table with a few bags of fast food in front of them.

“I got you all a special treat,” her mom cooed at them with a smile. Nesta had never seen her smile at her like that.

Feyre and Elain returned the smile and sat down. Nesta passed them the bag from the other side of the table. That was when Elain noticed her hand. She gasped. “What happened?! Are you okay?”

Feyre followed her gaze and clamped a hand over her mouth in horror.

“Mommy and I tried to cook, but I accidentally burned myself,” Nesta told them, a short laugh coming from her mouth – a laugh that said, Silly me, I’m so clumsy. She managed to hide the shake in her voice. She was used to this – the lying. “So we just decided to get take out instead. It's easier anyway."

Nesta felt her mom's eyes on her. They said, If you tell them the truth, I will ruin your life.

But the thing is, she already had ruined it.

Nesta didn’t know where she was. All she knew was the darkness that surrounded her.

She heard ragged breaths. It sounded like someone was dying.

No – it was her. She clutched her throat and felt her pulse. Why was it going so fast?

She felt the cool tiles beneath her body. She was in the kitchen.

She tried to get up, but it was impossible. Why couldn't she fucking get up? Nesta clawed at her throat in panic, sharp nails digging into her flesh until they drew blood.

She heard a blaring noise.

The fire alarm.

Nesta didn’t remember what happened next. She somehow managed to stand up. Open the windows. Turn off the alarm.

Her vision cleared, and it wasn't just because of the thick smoke that was aired out.

Nesta stared at the mess she’d made.

The pan full of cornbread was thrown onto the floor, shattered glass covering every inch. She peered closer to look at her appetizer. It was mere charcoal now. The entirety of it was black. Inedible.

Nesta stumbled out of the kitchen to the mirror, only to be met with a terrifying portrait of herself. Her makeup was smudged, eyes unfocused. Deep, red scratches covered her throat. Blood soaked the collar of her shirt. She didn’t know how long she stared at herself for. It was Elain’s text that snapped her out of it.

I called you five times. Are you okay? Dinner started ten minutes ago.

Nesta cursed.

Got distracted. Be there in twenty.

-----------------------------------

“Is that… store-bought egg salad?” Rhysand asked as a greeting.

After texting Elain, Nesta ran her hand under cold water for a minute. The burn wasn’t nearly as bad as the one she’d received eighteen years ago. After bandaging it, she scrambled to her bedroom to wash the smudged makeup off her face. Before she rushed out of the apartment, Nesta threw on a thick scarf to hide the self-inflicted scratches. She wasn't going to let anyone see them.

They already think I’m crazy enough as is.

Nesta was driving to Feyre’s house when she realized she didn’t have an appetizer. With a colorful curse and a sharp turn of the wheel, Nesta made a quick pitstop to the nearest convenience store. She grabbed the first thing she saw which, yes, happened to be egg salad. And of course, when she finally arrived, Rhysand had to be the one who answered the damn door.

“It was actually made behind the dirty counter of a convenience store,” she told him with a sickly-sweet smile. Nesta didn't know how she managed to conjure that smile, how she was talking right now. When Rhysand opened his mouth to insult her further, Nesta pushed past him and entered the house.

“Come right in,” Rhysand mumbled from behind her. She ignored him.

It was easy to do.

Nesta’s heart raced when she walked to the dining room. Everyone was already sitting at the table devouring their full plates. She heard the joy in their voices as they conversed over wine and food. Nesta simply watched them for a moment, a shadow in the corner. She was a stranger to this group of people. A part of her wanted to walk away; she felt like an outsider here.

You are, a voice hissed at her.  

“Nesta!” Elain noticed her from where she sat. She was out of her seat and tugging Nesta’s hand before she could even blink. Elain led her to the empty seat which was sandwiched between Elain and Amren.

Nesta took her seat and glanced around the table. Azriel was sitting directly across from Elain, the latter of the two careful not to make eye contact. Next to Azriel was Feyre and then Rhysand. Mor and Aurra sat beside each other at the end of the table.  

“What happened?” Feyre asked with a look of concern.

Nesta waved her off, taking the dish of turkey that Elain passed to her. “I burned the cornbread.”

Someone choked on their food from down the table. Nesta didn’t even have to look to know it was Rhysand.

He was pushing her buttons. And tonight was not the time to do it.

Nesta turned to him chillingly slow. “Do you have something to say?”

His eyes were full of mischief as he scooped a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto his plate. “I’m just wondering how the hell you burned cornbread.”

Feyre elbowed him. No one else joined in on the teasing. Nesta received a weak smile from her youngest sister. Sorry about him.

She didn’t give a fuck what her sister’s boyfriend thought of her. And after the evening she had, Nesta didn’t bother shooting back with her sharp tongue. She was exhausted. She was only here because... well, because she didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to spend Thanksgiving alone. Nesta couldn't remember the last time she celebrated a holiday with someone else.

It was a long time ago.

“Do you want to take off your scarf?” Elain offered from beside her. “It’s really warm in here.”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“But -"

“Drop it, Elain.” Her voice was icy.

Everyone got quiet.

Until Rhysand decided he wanted more attention.

“Sounds to me like Nesta may be hiding a hickey or two under that scarf.”

She slammed her fork onto the plate. Every single person went still. Not even a blink. “And?”

He didn’t even falter. “And it sounds like an improvement. A surprising one at that, but an improvement nonetheless.”

Nesta was seeing red. She felt a delicate hand touch her thigh. She didn’t need to look down to see it was Elain. “An improvement? And pray tell, Rhysand, what am I improving from?”

At least Rhysand was smart enough to recognize he was treading in dangerous territory. That smug look on his face faded. “It was just a joke, Nesta.”

She let out a bitter laugh. Casting a glance at the rest of the group, she realized what a scene she was making. Mor was tense, Azriel about to jump out of his chair at a word's notice. Amren's expression was unreadable, but Nesta swore she saw something like defensiveness in her eyes. Defensiveness for Nesta.

Feyre interrupted before the conversation escalated further.

“He said it was a joke. No big deal. Let’s just enjoy dinner, yeah?”

A small part of Nesta was grateful for her segue. If Feyre hadn't stopped her, Nesta would have caused permanent damage.

Elain, ever the peacemaker, added, “Why don’t we say thanks? We were waiting for you to join us before we started.”

That was the last thing Nesta wanted to hear.

But it was better than getting in a verbal fight with her sister's boyfriend, she guessed.

“I’ll start!” Elain exclaimed with a clap of her hands. She was able to diffuse the tension with a flick of the wrist. Everyone seemed comforted. “I’m thankful that I’m able to spend time with my sisters, and that Feyre introduced me to her wonderful friends.”

She definitely avoided eye contact with Azriel.

His slight blush wasn’t unseen by Nesta, though.

“My turn,” Mor sang. “I’m thankful that I’ve found the love of my life -" a secretive smile at Aurra “-and I’m able to share her with the world.”

“Ditto,” Aurra said, her face positively glowing.

Everyone turned to the next person. Azriel. “All of you guys, I guess.” His voice was quiet.

"Boo!" Mor exclaimed. "Too boring. Try again."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm thankful to have such an obnoxious friend. Better?"

Mor grinned. "Yes."

Next was Feyre. "I'm thankful I managed to graduate college without failing any classes."

Her friends cheered, and Feyre gave them the biggest smile."

"All right, all right," Rhysand joked, holding out his hands. "Calm down, people. It's my turn in the spotlight."

It was difficult for Nesta to contain her sneer. She was trying so hard to keep it in that she didn't hear Rhysand's sentiment.

Too bad.

“You guys said it all,” Amren drawled as she picked her manicured nail.

Mor booed again, but she didn't push Amren for me. Nesta was pretty sure no one pushed Amren and for good reason.

"Nesta, you're last!" Elain smiled. Nesta could tell she was doing her best to keep everyone happy. To keep her eldest sister in check so she didn't embarrass her.

That didn't stop her.

Nesta didn't bother looking at anyone. "I'm thankful that this night is going to be over soon."

No one said a word. The only response Nesta received was from Feyre, who shot her a warning glare. A glare that said, We're going to talk about this tomorrow.

Somehow, Elain got the conversation back on track. Nesta's comment was disregarded, and the rest of the night was spent ignoring her. Elain and Amren were the only ones who even spoke with her.

When the night finally ended and Nesta was driving back to her apartment, she remembered why she spent so many holidays alone.

Sometimes, being alone beats being surrounded by people who hate you.

--------------------------

this chapter was so fucking hard to write, I had to take a break a lot cause it’s very emotional ahhh tag list (let me know if you want to be added):

@sjmships @sleeping-and-books @sirgwaines @books-for-sure @blowing-mikey @b00kworm @wineywitch202 @drielecarla @liquifyme @gisellefigue08 @iammissstark @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @loysydark @superspiritfestival @stardelia​ @sayosdreams​ @maastrash​ @courtofjurdan​

#nessian #bittersweet #masterlist #my writing #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #fic