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#as a someone who used to blast her songs during uni years this made me emotional
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For the ask game, orchid and chamomile?
Hi! I was hoping someone would say orchid, purely because the one I bought back in October has been blooming since New Year’s!! (It’s got three flowers!!! and one bud still to open!!!)
Orchid ⇢ What’s a song you consider to be perfect?
I’ve got to say ‘Spanish Train’ by Chris de Burgh, who’s the only artist I’ve ever seen live (a friend and I went to see him in uni, were the only 20-something-olds in a horde of 50-and-older, and we had a fantastic time). ‘Spanish Train’ is one of those songs dad and I would blast in the living room after midnight, when we were home alone, or in the car when the speakers were working, and I absolutely love the alternations between the mellow spoken parts and the parts where de Burgh just goes all out. 
The answer to the second question got kind of long, so I’ve hidden it in the ‘Keep reading’.
Chamomile ⇢ What were you like when you were younger? Do you think you’ve changed a lot?
I don’t know how much I’ve talked about it here, but I’ve for a long time been fascinated by how people change. You see it in my own fanfics (Arn’s arc in Just Close Your Eyes) and in some of my favourite novels (Apollo in The Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan). I’ve also grown up with a gestalt psychotherapist for a parent, which ... yeah. I suspect I was a bit of a lab rat growing up. At least mum used to tell me she studied psychotherapy to Help Me. (In her book, queerness and autism require Help.)
My own fascinating with change comes from, I think, putting a lot of effort into changing myself during my years in uni. For about four years, about fifty percent of my time was spent observing myself, reflecting on my behaviour, and figuring out Who I Was. What I discovered was that Baby Me (0–4) and Young Adult Me (20–25) were surprisingly similar (excited by everyday things, enjoyed crafts and baking, and loved music and aesthetic designs). Baby Me grew up on a small seaside farm above the Polar Circle, and in those four years, I realised I wanted to return to that farm — to live there, nurture it, and run writing retreats there. It’ll take a lot of work to get the finances to do so, but as long as the farm stands, I’ll return there.
But. Change. 
Between Baby Me and Young Adult Me, there’s Teenage Me (5–19, technically ‘Child & Teenage Me’, but ‘Teenage Me’ for ease), and Teenage Me was not a good person. You know the idea of the Narcissistic Family? It’s the closest description I’ve found to explain the dynamics within my family. Teenage Me had an unfortunate obsession with wanting to make mum proud. As a result, I put others down in passive-aggressive ways and sought to make friends with “the right people” (as implicitly defined by mum: rich cis-het people, ideally white Christian). I was the Golden Child who achieved As and A*s in the majority of my subjects in school, I was always right, I was going to write novels, I was going to become a Professor and an artist, and I was going to have a brilliant future. (Ha. Ha ha. /s)
I’m still not sure how much of that was me and how much was mum, and I think that’s the rule for a lot of Teenage Me’s life: I had no idea where I ended and mum started, in terms of dreams, wants, and hopes. Honestly, it’s something I’m still struggling to untangle.
I like to think I’m moving away from my passive-aggressive ways, and that realising that I myself am not one of “the right people” has done wonders towards learning to value people for who they are rather than what they do and what they have. Setting boundaries is another new experience, and good gods it’s hard. Actually learning my own boundaries and being kind to myself is also really goddamn hard, and I’m still trying to figure out where the lines are between trauma bonding and info-dumping and just talking (is this info-dumping? or am I just talking? I’m answering a question and I have no idea). An unholy combination of depression and anxiety hasn’t made it any better.
That said, writing this today, I’m looking forward to the future. It’s raining outside, but I’ve had a clementine, I’m listening to ‘Champions’ by Kurt Hugo Schneider, and in a few hours I’ve got my first ballet class for beginners — something I’ve only recently worked up the courage to attend. I know I’m in my mid-twenties and that I’ve got years to grow and learn ahead of me. One day, I’ll reach a point of grounded self-assuredness. The depression and anxiety might never go away completely, and there are people I doubt will completely forgive me, but that’s part of growing and learning. It is for me to remember that every tree can be transplanted into better soil, and that there’s a sun above.
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ackerfics · 3 years
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hi! i don’t know if you’re taking requests but if you are would you be interested in a soulmate au with mikasa. i adore soulmates au a lot! mikasa x fem!reader (aot cast reincarnated into the modern world and they get to have a happy and not stressful life)
she is half of my soul, as the poets say  — mikasa ackerman
— mikasa ackerman x female reader (soulmate au)
— warnings: none, just fluff
— summary: you finally found each other.
— word count: 3.2k
— author’s notes: thank you so much for the request !! i hope you enjoy reading this because i had a blast putting this all together. plus, i couldn't help but place a quote from 'the song of achilles' bc that was a masterpiece.
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Underwater.
Your surroundings were submerged in the depths of the ocean to you.
The professor in front of the lecture hall continued his lesson in a cacophony of white noise. The occasional flipping of textbooks and the clacking of the keyboard droned, a majority of the students tried taking down what the middle-aged man was reciting. You should be doing those, too, but there was something about your day that made you want to skip class and bury yourself in a mound of blankets. The air-conditioning wasn’t helping at all, it just made you drift away, even more, images of flying people and humanoid giants flickering through your mind. Even your vision was becoming blurry as you stared at the seat in front of you, not noticing how your Ethics professor dismissed your class with a reminder of the paper that was due the following week. You were still seated as most of the students stood up, eager to spend the rest of their day inside their dormitories and apartments.
“[Name].” Somebody called out to you but the raw feeling of swinging in midair acted like a bubble, keeping you from going back to reality. The voice groaned in frustration at your lack of response. “Earth to [Name]! Hey, wake up!”
You shook out of your stupor with a blink, turning your head slowly at the person waiting for you. You took in her casual attire, so different from the daydream you were in. At first, you didn’t know about your whereabouts, making you look around the lecture hall — empty except for the two of you and the professor at front. The feeling of confusion once again dominated your sound mind as you breathed out, “Where am I? I thought I was just outside in this desert and I was surrounded by people who were crying like they were a hopeless case. Then there was someone screaming my name, saying they wouldn’t let me go.”
The person pursed their lips, concerned and slightly creeped out at the nonsense coming out of your mouth. There weren’t any deserts near you right now because you two were in the middle of the city, inside a university. The way you phrased those words sounded like a plot from an apocalyptic movie you were bound to binge during academic breaks. There were accounts scattered around the internet about reincarnation that the person drank in the early hours of dawn when they couldn’t go to sleep but witnessing it in front of them, was another whole level of conspiracy theories. A hand was planted on your shoulder, your friend smiling sympathetically at you, knowing that you sometimes have these episodes inside your shared apartment. The look you gave them was enough to erase the wariness bubbling in your friend’s stomach, which spurred them to gather your things and placing them inside your backpack. Your friend worked in silence, however, they were aware of the stare you never took off from the side of their head.
“In case you don’t remember me,” your friend looked up at you with a twinkle of mischief in their irises, “I’m Hitch and I’m your roommate.” She was speaking to you as if you were a toddler, something that made annoyance tickle your chest.
“Hitch?” You mumbled, looking down on your lap for a solid minute until you gasped out loud, the sound echoing inside the lecture hall without any warning. The professor looked up from his seat, glare already in place at the disruption you caused. You buried your face in your hands, face erupting in hues of red because of the embarrassment creeping in your throat. “Oh, my God, don’t tell me I did it again.”
Hitch nodded with a shrug. “I mean, I’m used to your episodes but it always amazed me how you wake up from them all disoriented.” Finishing with her task of tidying your bag, she pulled on your arm. “I think I should record whatever you say next time, this could be my viral moment.” When you gave her a dry glare, she laughed. “Oh, come on, think of the possibilities! But pushing that aside, let’s have dinner first.”
“Hitch, it’s only four in the afternoon.”
She scoffed lightheartedly. “We can always have a midnight snack later. Right now, I’m craving something savory.” The two of you went outside the lecture hall’s door, not missing the look of relief from your Ethics professor as you linked your arm with Hitch’s. She turned to you expectantly. “Any ideas for dinner, bub?”
There was a churning feeling inside your stomach, very much like those life-and-death situations during exams where you rely on your gut for the correct answer if the test includes multiple-choice questions. This time, instead of the nagging voice telling you to encircle the first choice, your gut was telling you to head to the café near your university. Aside from their famous coffee blends and teas (the latter being one of their specialties), the café houses a variety of dishes in its menu, which doesn’t make them a café anymore but the owner still insisted that they’ll be known as that establishment. It was more of a restaurant than your regular coffee shop, making it a hit among the students in the University of Eldia, where a majority of the student body was either caffeine-dependent or reliant on fast food take-outs. The quaint café owned by Levi Ackerman was the perfect solution to yours and Hitch’s grumbling stomachs. 
“How about the café just outside of uni?” You suggested, hoping that Hitch will consider the idea.
The said girl hummed, a finger placed on her chin. “The one owned by that grumpy short-stack?” 
“Hey, that’s rude.”
Hitch shrugged without care, hoisting her tote bag up to her shoulder. “Even his cousin calls him that, you know?” At your raised eyebrow, all Hitch could do was laugh at your adorable, clueless expression. Between the two of you, the light-haired girl was the social butterfly in your friendship and you wouldn’t be surprised if she even had an inkling of the gossips happening around your year level. 
“Relax, his cousin is a good person (that is if she doesn’t kill you with her blank stare), along with their little friendship circle. I must say, all of them look so adorable. You remember Annie, right?” She continued when she saw you nod, the mention of the blonde made you remember your time when the three of you shared your apartment. It was a good kind of chaotic, the three of you balancing out each other’s personalities. Annie was always the indifferent one, Hitch the most sociable, and you being the mediator of the two. “She’s dating one of Mikasa’s friends, Armin. Mikasa is the cousin, by the way, and I can clearly see the resemblance between her and the café’s owner. With the permanent scowl and all.”
“Uh-huh.”
You didn’t know what to do with the information so you only hummed and nodded your head every time Hitch spewed out a couple of trivia involving people you have heard down the hallways or being called during roll-calls. She even told you how one of Mikasa’s friends, Sasha Braus, was reprimanded for eating inside the class of an infamous terror teacher, which landed the girl on that professor’s blacklist. The girl, Sasha, was actually in one of your classes but you never really talked to her, all of your attention poured out into absorbing what the teacher relayed in the class. All of Hitch's ramblings spanned the entirety of your walk to the café — a talent your roommate has that amazed you every time it happened. 
The smell of cinnamon greeted you once you stepped inside the café, the homey decorations making your heart warm in an instant. There were a couple of college students in separate tables, all of them draping their textbooks and readings in front of them, headphones plugged in despite the soothing background music brought by the café’s speakers. Now that you mention it in your head, midterms were coming up in a month and you hadn’t started organizing your revisions. As your mind was filled with the scent of flowers and coffee, Hitch tugged on the sleeves of your blouse, your light-haired friend wordlessly gesturing her head towards one of the empty tables overlooking the window showing the small garden beside the café. You nodded and flashed a thumbs-up, already knowing what Hitch’s order is the number of times she went home with take-outs from this establishment.
Thinking that you should order something for a change, you looked up at the menu board above the counter. With your order listed in your mind, you faced the person manning the counter, ready to relay your order to her. What greeted you, though, wasn’t a smiling cashier, instead, wide gray eyes stared at you with a slacked jaw — irises flecked with an emotion that sent your heart lurching inside your chest. She was a tall girl with muscles in the right places, black hair styled in a pixie cut that made you appreciate her features more. You faintly recalled that she was in one of your majors, which should explain the air of familiarity surrounding her. Her hands on the small notepad hovered over the current lilac paper, her posture rod straight as her breath hitched while staring into you. You weren’t sure what made her react like that so you slightly tilted your head back to look at the booths behind you. Hitch caught your eyes, raising her eyebrow in a silent question. Facing the counter attendant again, you were shocked to see that star-like tears were decorating her eyelashes, chapped lips wobbly. 
It felt like you’ve seen that expression too many times but you were sure this was the first time you saw her face to face.
“Oi, Mikasa, why are you stalling?” A short black-haired man entered the space behind the counter, arms crossed and gaze questioning as he took in the breaking form of his employee. “It’s been a full minute and you still didn’t take the customer’s order.” 
“Can I stay in the breakroom for a while?”
Your breath was taken away at the sound of her voice. It sounded like all four seasons were present in the soft-spoken tone she carried, very different from her tough physical appearance. You were left staring at her back, chest nearly bursting open because of how fast your heart pounded just from that sentence. Images of late-night trysts played in your head; of secret kisses that created an ocean of emotions inside you; of eyes looking at each other with tendrils of hope before the gates open, death beckoning you in its arms; of desperate promises, neither person could ever keep. All of them were so familiar and nostalgic that a swarm of butterflies was starting to infest your ribs and chest, sprouting flowers that clogged your throat from speaking. 
Levi glanced at you, eyes analyzing your form with a hint of concern for his relative and wondering what made Mikasa act like that. “Sure, go ahead, brat, your friends are at the back. Hello, ma’am, I’ll be taking your order.”
“Oh, sure,” you murmured before beginning to list down the food you and Hitch will be indulging in, eyes curiously staring at the girl going inside the breakroom. “Uhm, is she going to be alright?” You tried asking Levi, who only looked at you with a raised eyebrow. “It looks like she had a fright here.”
“It’s the first time I saw her in that state, to be honest,” Levi simply answered, with no room for other discussions. “Your drinks will be served shortly.” He gave you a small gadget, his pointer finger pushing a button on the device, making it light up in a blinding red. “Once your drinks are ready, this will light up and you can get it here on the counter. Thank you for your patronage.”
“Thank you, too.”
It was only when you seated yourself in front of Hitch that you realized Mikasa’s voice sounded like the one always shouting your name in your daydreams, failing to keep the promise of never letting you go.
-
Mikasa was a mess.
First, before waking up for her 7 A.M. class one autumn day, she was haunted by the memories of her previous life (or this is what Armin told her, with him also remembering being born again from a different timeline, another universe altogether rather). In that more outdated version of this world, they were on the constant grapple with these beings called Titans. Her dreams became more complex the more time passed by as these Titans disappeared, replacing with it a looming war between two countries. Her daydreams always resulted in tear-stained cheeks, eyes then finding her best friend who started a mass genocide in their previous lives, Eren. When Mikasa remembered that part of her last life, she would often find herself staring deeply at the side of Eren’s head, resulting in the brown-haired man complaining about her soulless eyes. It looked like Eren didn’t remember it, which nearly drove Mikasa mad. 
Until that day Eren came up to her after a three-hour lecture, all haggard with his man-bun in disarray, and shouting, “I’m so sorry for laughing at you, Mikasa! I had a dream during a lecture of those titan things you and Armin are talking about. I believe you!”
Second, the warmth of somebody was a constant in balancing out the horrors of her daydreams. Among the carnage, a body fitting against hers with the morning rays passing through the slit of the windows was a sight she didn’t want to wake up from. Threads of soft hair tickled her cheek, making way for an unforgettable shade of irises that she compared to the crystals they found underneath the Reiss estate. A smile so vibrant that it paled in comparison to the blue expanse of unknown waters they saw after killing all the Titans in Paradis. The smell of freshly picked flowers lingered in the air, acting like the comforting blanket Mikasa had when she was young. At first, she couldn’t see the face of the person but as the episodes became more vivid, Mikasa finally saw the woman of her dreams. 
Pulchritudinous — that’s what you are.
After that encounter with you in the café, Mikasa immediately talked everything out with her two friends.
“So you’re saying that you kind of knew her but you don’t?” Eren pointed out after a spoonful of ice cream. “This is some conspiracy theory shit right here.”
“Eren,” Armin sighed. “This is not one of those videos you watch at 3 A.M., okay?” The blonde glanced at the last member of their little trio, who was pacing in front of them with a queasy expression on her face. “Mikasa, I know you feel like you’re in a pinch but please calm down.”
Eren leaned forward and took a spoonful of ice cream from the tub on the low table. “It’s no use, Armin. You know Mikasa.” He nodded his head towards the said girl. “Once she enters that state, we can’t do anything about it.”
“I know,” Armin trailed off, dejected.
Mikasa buried her hands through her hair. “This was so unexpected.”
“Clearly,” Eren dryly stated.
The blue-eyed boy beside him instantly hit the back of his head. “Eren!”
Mikasa stopped pacing, not hearing how Eren exclaimed ‘finally’, her face and neck erupting in a warm shade of red that made her two friends exchange a concerned glance. Placing a hand on her pounding chest, she murmured with half-lidded eyes, “She’s much more beautiful than my dreams depicted her to be.”
Armin breathed out a silent ‘oh’ while Eren snickered, “Great, she turned into a simp,” to which the former slapped another hand at the back of the green-eyed boy’s head.
“That explains it,” the black-haired girl exclaimed. “There were times where a voice inside my head tells me to be at this specific place at a specific time.” (“I’m concerned,” Eren stage-whispered to Armin.) “While applying for this university, I had a feeling that I should take up medical sciences. Every time I’m at the campus, I will always find myself in the library after five o’clock and there are instances that I would search the tables. And you guys know how I hate helping Levi in the café.” Eren and Armin nodded as if they were children. “I just realized that she was always there, I can see her now. Why did I miss her when all this time, I was meant to find her? And now that she’s finally in the café right when I told Levi that I felt like helping the shop, I ran away! I’m such an idiot!” Mikasa then sunk on one of the plush chairs, her groans mingling with the gloomy atmosphere she created.
“You’re not an idiot, Mikasa,” Armin told her, to which she replied with an aggravated groan.
“Yeah, you’re not an idiot, you’re just having a gay panic moment,” Eren casually announced. Both of his friends slowly turned their heads toward him. He stared right back, blinking as he shrugged. “You have to admit, I’m not wrong.”
“You’re not helping right now.”
“I’m just stating a fact, Armin!”
The blonde boy rolled his eyes. “So what are you going to do about this, Mikasa?”
“About Eren?”
“No,” Armin shook his head. “Eren will be fine with his two brain cells.”
“Hey, I’m right here.”
Armin rolled his eyes and fixed his gaze on his gray-eyed best friend. “So are you going to tell [Name] that you two are star-crossed lovers pre-destined since your previous lives?”
The confidence she gained the day before during that conversation with her childhood friends dissipated as Mikasa awkwardly stood in the middle of the university’s library, eyes widely staring at you, who was browsing the shelves for the reference material for your papers. She didn’t expect to meet you this suddenly. All she was supposed to do was borrow a reference material and there she realized that the two of you share the same major so most of your schedule line up with one another — the both of you share a free period. Almost as if you were surrounded by a magnetic field, Mikasa went in your direction, her heart matching her footsteps. Meters became feet as she looked at your captivating figure. Even with a shirt tucked inside a pair of jeans, you are still the most beautiful girl inside the library. 
And as you lifted your gaze, your glinting irises meeting her gray ones, Mikasa swore her orbit was waiting for this moment to be tilted to you.
Tears were immediately present in your eyes when she stood in front of you, it was as if you remembered her.
“Hey,” Mikasa breathed shakily, hands gripping the strap of her backpack.
“Hey, starlight.”
That nickname. The one you blurted out when Mikasa invited you stargazing in the meadow beside the Survey Corps Headquarters. You said it suited her because her eyes reminded you of the glow of the stars forming a canopy above you. But for her, you were brighter than any star in the sky, you were an entire cosmos altogether. “You became a part of me the moment I laid my eyes on you in our town. Right then and there — wherever you go, I’ll go. Because I know, I’m a part of you as well.”
“You finally found me.”
You are half of her soul, as the poets say, and the Fates will do everything in their power that it stays like that for eternity. 
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FACE - Woosung/Sammy Kim - Drabble
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Kim Woosung/Sammy Kim x Reader
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers
Word count: 2,5k
Summary: After a long semester of uni finally comes to an end, y/n and her friends are able to go out again and have fun. A fun night out turns into something very beautiful.
(Also I would like to apologize for any errors, english is not my first langugae so please have mercy on me ^^’)
~Hope you like it!
„Finally!!! We are done with all those stupid exams!!!” your friend Coco shouted once you got back to your apartment from Uni after having your last exam for this semester today.
“Hey, you do know that we have neighbors, right?” you giggled, hitting her in a playful way.
“Yeah, yeah, but aren’t you glad that we finally can relax?? We should celebrate it!”
“Of course I am glad, silly. So how do you want to celebrate surviving another semester?”
“Hmm, I’m not sure yet but I want to do it tonight! Otherwise it’s not as much of an celebration.”
“Sounds a lot like you want to go drinking, huh?”
She smiled at you sheepishly, “Maybe…”
“Okay so a girls night out it is?”
“Eeeeh…” she started hesitatingly, blushing a little
“what do you mean ‘eeeh’?”
“How about…”
“Wait! You want to ask the cute guy from our history class out, don’t you??” you said wiggling your eyebrows at her
“Heyy!” she punched your arm, “what I was going to say was: we could gather a few of our friends… and maaaaybe also hajoon…” she got quieter during the end mumbling the last word.
You grinned. “Well you can invite some people I guess, still don’t have a lot of friends that aren’t also yours here” you smiled a little embarrassed at yourself hearing that coming out of your mouth after being here for already one and a half year.
“Oh just not too many please… I’d like to still keep the circle small tonight.” you added
“Sure thing she said, sitting down on the couch and already looking through her phone for the right people”
Some time passed and you used it well by taking a nap, seemed like the best idea since you’re probably gonna be out the whole night. However, your peaceful slumber was rudely interrupted by Coco barging in your room exclaiming that she finally had the perfect selection of people.
You mumbled a half awake “Shoot” and nuzzled your head back into your pillow.
“Okay so, since we want a rather small group this time, I made sure that I selected them very carefully!” She listed a few of your friend group to which you just nodded to, still half asleep.
“And-I-also-might-have-asked-Hajoon-if-he-was-free-and-he-is-joining-us!!” She quickly spat out hiding her face in her hands squealing like a little kid.
You grinned at her, “glad you finally had the guts to ask him out!”
“That’s not all thought, I thought that since I would be a little occupied with hajoon tonight I though I would invite someone for you too! BUT- Please don’t hit me now okay!”
You slowly opened your eyes looking at her kinda pissed already. “And who would that someone be?”
“Sammy…” she mumbled
“HUH?!?!” now it was really over with your beauty sleep, you shot up in your bed looking at her in disbelief. “Sammy?, you… mean Sammy Kim?? Your freind from highschool, who I had nothing but awkward interaction with since I met him last year?” 
“Awkward Interactions?” she giggled, “ if that’s what you call love at first sight but no clue how to handle it, yeah sure you guys had some AwKwArD InTeRaCtIoNs. And now don’t act like I didn’t realize how you two were looking at each other that night, plus how often you too hung out to sTuDy.”
“No No No, he really helped me out with my photography project back then, and you promised me that we would never speak of that night again!” Just as you finished your sentence Coco’s phone made a ding. She opened it and grinned once again.
“Oh come on you both have the hots for each other but your are both to scared to admit it and I like the effect you have on each other, you both are like creative chargers for one another. I’ve yet to see you procrastinate when he is around and you have heard his music improving yourself, do you think that comes just out of nowhere? Huh? Whatever he just texted that he is coming tonight so this discussion is over!”
You looked at her with wide eyes and your heart skipping a beat. You definitely have a crush on Sammy and yeah maybe that happened the first time you met him BUT you were just never really the relationship type of girl, plus you didn’t plan on staying in Korea after Uni so you didn’t want to get to attached to something/someone plus you liked things the way they were up until said night. New Years Eve Party to be exact. You and Coco had a party at the Apartment and most of your friends were wasted at 1am already and Sammy and You also had quite a bit to drink, one thing led to another and you only remember waking up next to him in your bed, all cuddled up together with and hunch of what could have happened. Luckily you two were up before everyone else thinking nobody noticed but of course Coco knew the second she looked at you once she woke up. Sammy had to leave quickly that day because of some issues with brother, who wanted to visit him on New Year’s. Ever since than you two tried to keep it casual by not addressing it at all and kind of ignoring each other and your feelings for one another a bit. Until now apparently.
You sighed falling back into your cozy bed once Coco left your room.
~Time skip~
You pushed the thoughts of the night ahead to the side -mostly for Coco since she was worried that you were actually mad at her.
To proof her wrong you put on a smile and you two started to get ready together while blasting music and starting to pre drink a bit. It felt so good though to finally have the time to go out with some friends again after all that studying and stress with exams, just getting ready with your roommate was already so much fun.
Soon your uber came and you were on your way to the club where Coco told the others to meet you. You saw Sammy already when from the car, and your heart stopped a beat. He was just leaning against the wall, headphones in and on his phone. You took a second to admire him before the car came to a spot where you guys could get out. Coco saw him as well form where you two were and tried to scare him since he wasn’t aware of his surroundings, but she failed.
You greeted Sammy with a warm hug, thinking that he would probably feel your fast heartbeat but you always hugged him to say hello and you didn’t want to make things more weird. To your surprise you could feel his heartbeat as well, which weirdly calmed you down a bit.
You too still kept a bit of a distance for now just making things seem “casual”, clearly aware of the tension between the two of you. You got a table at your favorite club and soon drinks started to flow. Your group had an awesome time dancing, drinking, catching up and just enjoying your freedom for now
The DJ was great and constantly playing what you wanted, a couple hours went by and your friend group started to get smaller, one after the other leaving with someone they flirted with for about half an hour. Oh and Coco was all tangled up with Hajoon just as you both expected. You didn’t care about all of that too much just enjoying yourself on the dance floor and chatting a bit with Sammy while still continuously ordering drinks.
Of course some dudes tried to hit on you especially while you were dancing, overflowing with confidence but you just told them to get lost, you were really not interested in any of them. You were really just here to have fun but as you caught a glimpse of the way Sammy was watching your every move you smiled a bit to yourself.
You both were a bit buzzed by now, it being around 1:30am and most of your friends, well actually all of them already gone. The club was still buzzing and you were in no way ready to leave yet, neither was Sammy. It may seem a bit boring to just stand at a table watching a girl dance for hours, only taking breaks to pee or take another shot, not for him tho. Watching your body float over that dancefloor, never missing a single beat, smiling with closed eyes. And every time you were sick of a song you made your way over to him smiling with sparkling eyes in which he could get lost in forever. Every time you would come over you two had a shot or two and every time you went back on the dancefloor you tried to convince him to come with you. He came with once or twice, wanting to stay there with you the whole night just being weightless together but he knew that if he kept dancing with you and already being a bit drunk, he would want more and he wasn’t sure if you were okay with that so he stayed at the table.
At around 3am your feet started to hurt from all the dancing in your heels and you were feeling pretty dizzy, still not wanting to stop dirinking. Sammy knew by the way you came back to him that you were ready to leave and get some food somewhere.
“Sammy…! Wanna grab a bite somewhere?!” you shouted in his ear hoping he would understand with all the loud music and people talking.
To be completely honest he didn’t understand anything over the loud music and his own spinning head but he knew what you wanted so he just nodded and you two left. Once you stepped out of the club you both took a deep breath an looked at each other for a second. In this moment the only thing you wanted to do was kiss him, get lost in his touch and never wake up from it again but instead you just smiled at him and repeatedly said that you were hungry.
Sammy was in the same position, he knew that soon he would not be able to contain himself if you keep looking at him with those intense eyes of yours. He laughed at you being a whiny baby and took your hand to lead you to your guys’ favorite 4am drunk-food place. You both knew that he initially just wanted to yank you a bit in the direction you had to go yet you kept walking hands interlocked up until you got to the food place. It just felt so natural that none of you wanted to let go, so you kept it that way for a few moments longer.
You two kept chatting a bit while enjoying your food. For the few other people in the restaurant you two just looked like a regular couple acting all cute together, feeding each other and giggling while still ordering a few drinks. The owner of the restaurant actually thought you two were so cute that she gave you another soju-bottle for free, “For the lovebirds” she said as she put a the bottle down and winked at you.
You looked at each other with big eyes and you started to giggle since you were still pretty drunk. You took the soju with you and left the restaurant after paying. You were not ready to leave one another yet but you remember that Sammy had that great view from his apartment rooftop so you went there, on the way your hands found each other again and you just walked in silence, enjoying each other’s company.
You set up everything and settled down on the roof with your soju and a blanket just starring into nothing. Soon the two of you were cuddled up listening to each other’s breath.
You sighed “I missed this, you know?”
“Missed what?” he tried playing dumb
“This.. you… us..” you mumbled into his chest trying to hide your blushing
“Me too” he said while running his hands through your hair.
You lifted your head to look at him in the dim light just taking in his features bit by bit. He just smiled at you, slowly closing his eyes, like a cat would do. Carefully you sat up a bit and firmly pressed your lips on his. He smiled into the kiss. It was a very sweet delicate kiss, maybe even innocent, savoring every little moment of a innocent yet so powerful love. You two dragged the kiss as long as your lungs would allow it, after that you quickly nuzzled your head into his warm chest again.
“We should head inside it’s really getting cold and I don’t want you to get sick…” he softly whispered
You nodded and you packed your things to move into the apartment. It was so much warmer and just as cozy as you remembered it. You let out a yawn, stretching your body, Sammy saw his chance and wrapped his arms around you from behind burring his head in your neck. “Tired?” he asked softly.
“yeah… a bit…”
“then let’s go to bed then, shall we?” he asked while already heading towards the bedroom. He gave you his favorite shirt and shorts to sleep in, knowing you would have asked for them sooner or later, also he loved the way they looked on you. You excused yourself to the bathroom to change.
Once you locked the door behind you, you started to freak out silently a bit but on the other hand, everything just felt so right, Your bodies and minds just fit perfectly together and you were kind of mad at yourself for wanting to cut this awesome connection after it got a bit more serious. You washed you face, changed into the clothes he gave you and took a deep breath before heading back to the bedroom.
Sammy was already all cuddled up and his room looked even more comfortable with the delicate fairy-lights you gifted him last Christmas. You crawled next to him getting comfortable. He gave you another soft kiss, but you wanted more. You started to intensify it to which he gave in, you were hungry for him the whole night already so you were more than eager letting your hand slowly travel over his body an to the hem of his boxers but suddenly he grabbed your hand. A bit perplex you broke the kiss and looked at him confused.
“did... did I do something wrong?” you asked quietly “Do you not want to?”
“you didn’t do anything wrong y/n…” he gave you a peck “It’s just, the last time we did it too quickly and lost each other for a few months… And I don’t want to lose you… this... us again... is… is it okay if we just fall asleep in each other’s arms for now?”
You started to tear up a bit at his words, this was the first time he actually told you how he really felt -probably a bit because of the alcohol too but you didn’t mind that- and it made you realize how you felt as well, so you nodded stealing one last kiss before cuddling up with him and slowly drifting of to sleep while listening to his heartbeat.
~To be continued~
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mertronus · 3 years
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Perfect Courage
This has been in my head ever since I first saw the music video for "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran. So, feeling in an extra fluffy mood tonight, I put the video on a loop, stuck my headphones on, and started to write. And this little beauty came out of it.
Summary: Ron and the crew go on a weekend ski trip...will he finally get the chance and find the courage to tell the girl he loves how he feels? (rated G)
Read it on AO3
****
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love Not knowing what it was I will not give you up this time
Friday
I stepped off the train and pulled my coat tighter around me. Blimey it was cold. But I guess when you’re in the mountains of Switzerland, it’s to be expected.
I made my way through the station until I stepped out into the village and adjusted my rucksack on my shoulder. Looking up I could just make out the slopes that I guessed I would be hurtling down on a pair of wooden sticks the next day. Who’s idea was this anyway?
Right...Hermione’s.
A smile stretched across my face. Not a surprise that I would do something like this simply because Hermione suggested it. Because Hermione organized it. Because it was Hermione’s parents’ property where we would be staying.
Anything with Hermione’s name on it I would immediately sign up for. I would do anything for her.
I started walking down the street towards the cafe we were meant to all meet, thinking about my best friend. I’ve known her almost all my life, been in love with her since - good God at least since we were thirteen. At least, that’s when I cottoned on to the fact that I couldn’t get enough of being around my nagging, know-it-all, nightmare of a best friend.
And yet, I never made a move, I was too scared, too nervous, feeling too unfanciable or too undeserving...I was convinced she would never go for the likes of me. And, more than all of that, I didn’t want to lose her as a best friend. I was resigned to being her friend for the rest of her life if that meant I got to be in it.
Until she started dating that bloody wanker Cormac McLaggen.
He treated her alright - I would have treated her better - and she seemed happy enough, but I was miserable. I couldn’t do it. For a whole year I watched them and dreaded the moment she would ask me to walk her down the aisle to the tosser.
When she finally ditched him before the fall semester started, I made up my mind. There was no life for me if Hermione wasn’t in it - like really in it. And mine. Otherwise it’s absolute torture. But with us attending different universities, and her in super studious mode during the semester, I never got my chance...until now.
So, yeah, while I hate the very thought of skiing, my attendance on this friends weekend adventure with our lot from school definitely has an ulterior motive. This weekend I would make my move. This weekend I would tell her how I feel. This weekend I would finally, finally, tell Hermione Granger how unbelievably in love with her I am.
I found a love for me Oh darling, just dive right in and follow my lead Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
When I reached the cafe, the first thing I noticed through the window was an adorable head of curly brown hair. She looked amazing sitting there all comfortable in her oversized jumper and hat. The waitress was just handing her a steaming cup - likely tea. More specifically Earl Gray tea with half a sugar and just a bit of milk.
Yes, I know how she takes her tea. Don’t judge. I did say we’ve been best friends since we were kids right? Sod off then.
I took a deep breath and opened the door to step in. Courage of a Lion ...our school motto. Am I a lion or not?
“Ron!” she cried, a huge grin on her face. “You’re early!”
“Well, yeah I - OOF!” I caught her mid lunge and wrapped my arms around her waist. My nose involuntarily dipped into her curls and I breathed her in. Her familiar scent warmed me immediately and I knew my ears were likely bright red. She pulled back and looked at me expectantly. Oh, yeah...what was I saying to her? Right...early...I’m early.
“Caught the earlier train so I wouldn’t be late,” I finally explained.
“Well, I’m glad,” she grinned and reached up to ruffle my hair. I fought the urge to close my eyes at the feeling of her fingers running through my locks. “Been so long since we’ve had time together - the two of us.” When I looked into her eyes, I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of something...longing? Love? Blimey I hope so.
She led me over to the table and plopped me down as she began talking a mile a minute. Most of us were starting our final semester at uni in a couple of weeks, but Hermione of course beat us all to the finish line, having graduated a semester early...with honors thank you very much. Did I mention how bloody brilliant she is?
I gazed at her as she filled me in on all I’ve missed recently in her life - the last exams she took, the jobs she’s going for, visiting her parents over the holidays…
“But oh, listen to me drone on and on, what about you Ron? How was your season? Your semester?”
I snapped myself out of my daze and tried to collect my thoughts as best as I could. I told her a bit about how things were going with football, how I scraped by as usual with my usual mediocre grades and recapped my own holidays. Suddenly it hit me that this was likely the only time this weekend we would be alone. If I wanted to talk to her, now was the time.
Now or never. Courage of a Lion.
“I’ve uh...I’ve been thinking a lot too, Mione,” I said softly.
“Don’t think too hard, Ron,” she teased as she took a sip of her tea.
“Yeah har-dee-har-har,” I shook my head but grinned at her. For a moment I forgot what I was saying altogether as the sun made some of her curls look golden dancing around her head. It always caught me off guard how beautiful she is. How much I love her.
Right...focus Weasley. Just say it... ‘Hermione Granger, I love you’...
“Hermione, I..I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about -”
“Harry!”
“No, not of...what?” She jumped up and ran off to throw her arms around our other best friend...the one who always seemed to have the most impeccable timing.
“Hi Hermione,” he said with a grin. He released her and patted my shoulder. “How’re you Ron?”
I stood and smiled, pulling him into a hug. I was really happy to see him, even if I wished he waited another ten minutes or so. “Good, happy to see you mate.”
Behind Harry, Hermione was happily greeting my sister Ginny - who was dating my git of a best mate - and our friend Neville. It wasn’t long before Dean and Seamus came bustling into the little cafe to join us.
“We’re all here!” Hermione exclaimed. “Shall we head up to the cabin?”
It wasn’t long before all of our bodies and bags were piled into a van that Hermione rented for the weekend to get us around. Not a fan of driving the slick roads of the mountains, she asked me to drive. I was a bit disappointed when Neville happily called bagsy and jumped in the passenger seat beside me. I was really hoping to have Hermione beside me for the almost thirty minute drive up the mountain. Instead, I watched as Hermione wound up squeezed in between Dean and Seamus way in the back since Harry and Ginny took the middle two seater.
Gits. All of them were gits.
We drove up the mountain and I tried to keep my focus solely on the road, but it was hard when I kept wanting to glance back in the rearview mirror to catch a particular pair of brown eyes. I caught her eyes a couple of times and she smiled at me...it was as if the smile was only for me.
I really had to focus on the road.
“Ooh I love this song!” Ginny suddenly lunged forward to turn up the radio as Ed Sheeran’s “Sing” was starting up.
“ I don't wanna know If you're getting ahead of the programme…”
I glanced back and laughed at the sight of my friends singing at the top of their lungs.
“I want you to be mine, lady And to hold your body close Take another step into the no-man's land For the longest time, lady…”
I watched Hermione laughing with Dean as they sang and felt a pang of jealousy...until she looked up and caught my eye again and winked. I blushed and looked at the road but when I glanced back up, she was still singing and watching me. A chill ran through my body although the van’s heat was blasting.
We decided to stay in that night and get an early start the next morning. Hermione’s parents had the caretakers stock the fridge and pantry, so the seven of us had a good time pulling out random ingredients and making a hodge-podge of food - paired with the excessive amounts of liquor Seamus procured for us of course.
Everyone started to drop off one by one, and I tried to hang on so I could maybe get a few moments alone with Hermione again, but the last thing I remembered seeing was the girl of my dreams curled up on the armchair before I dozed off myself.
Saturday
Ski lifts are bloody scary!!! It’s bad enough you have all this gear on with your coats and snow pants and boot, then you’re also clipped to these long wooden sodding sticks that are weighing you down, all while sitting precariously on a bench that’s flying through the air.
Who’s idea is this of fun!?!?
“Having fun Ron?” Her arm wrapped around mine and she pulled herself in close as we rode the lift up to the top of the slopes.
I smiled but I’m pretty sure a wince was seen too. “Bit nervous honestly.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall…” I pulled her in close and nuzzled my nose in her hair. “Not too much anyway.”
Okay, I’ll admit it: skiing is kind of fun. Or rather, skiing with Hermione is fun.
We spent the entire day on the slopes, stopping for an early lunch and mid-afternoon to warm up. Hermione spent most of the day teaching me the ropes and I spent most of the day falling on my arse. Even Neville showed me up - him, Dean and Seamus speeding passed us repeatedly on snowboards.
We finally called it a night and headed into the inn for dinner and drinks. We were a few shots in when someone got the great idea to start up karaoke. I hid myself in the back as much as my tall frame with flaming red hair would allow, but quite enjoyed watching Hermione and Ginny’s rendition of “Lady Marmalade.”
As I sat there watching her laughing and carrying on with my little sister, my mind wandered to many more nights like this...double dates with Harry and Ginny, playdates with all of our kids, family events where Hermione feels really comfortable letting her hair down because she knows she’s with people who love her and have her back.
Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets To carry love, to carry children of our own
“Hey,” a voice called out to me. I looked up to see Hermione leaning over me. I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t even realize that her and Ginny were finished and Dean had taken the stage with Neville and Harry. “Come with me?”
I’ll go anywhere with you. “Yeah...uh sure. Where we going?” I stood and pulled on my coat. It honestly didn’t matter where we were going...as long as it was just the two of us.”
“You’ll see!” She threw her own coat around her and spun around with a laugh as she head out the door. I laughed too because I loved it when she let loose and had a few drinks. She spent so much of her time fussing over books and school and all of the boring adult things that bogged down our lives. Seeing her like this - now spinning in the falling snow trying to catch flakes with her tongue - this is the Hermione I love most. I love all sides of Hermione Granger, but this side...this side is the most beautiful side.
I threw my head back to catch snow on my tongue too, making faces and noises to get her really laughing. I dropped my head to look for her when I felt a distinct splat on my back.
“Oh it’s a snowball fight you want is it?” I called as she ran off towards the road that led up to our cabin. I stooped over and gathered a massive snowball as I commenced chase, her squealing as she ran ahead of me. I aimed and caught her right in her bum.
“Ronald!” She yelled with a laugh. “I’ll get you for that!” She ran toward me with a handful of snow and jumped on my back to stuff it down my back - a favorite torture method of ours when we were kids.
Her laughter echoed in my ears with her so close. I grabbed onto her legs and spun her around on my back to keep her there. “Roooooon!” she yelled. “I’m getting dizzy!” We both toppled into a mound of snow in a fit of giggles. I slid over so I wouldn’t crush her and we lay in the snow in a fit of tipsy hysterics. I looked over to see she had slid away from me in the snow, and was reaching the tips of her fingers to mine smiling. Suddenly she started to giggle again and waving her arms in the snow while moving her legs. I followed suit and after a bit we helped each other up to admire our snow angels.
She hugged my arm and leaned in close. “I want to show you something.”
I took off after her towards our cabin. It was obvious the others weren’t back yet and I thought this could be my chance. Get her in the cabin and get a few minutes alone before the others decided to walk back.
But she ran passed the cabin into the woods behind it.
“Hermione! Where are you going?!”
“Come on!”
We ended up running right into a smaller cabin hidden just a few yards away from the main cabin where we all were staying.
“What’s this?” I asked when we stopped.
“Come on,” she said again, pulling me inside. It was a cozy little one room cabin, a tiny kitchenette in one corner, and a couch and a few chairs around a rug with a stone fireplace. There were stairs leading up to a loft where I could just see a low bed with blankets and pillows just waiting to be crawled into.
“It was an old shed that the caretakers renovated into a separate guest house when there were a lot of people staying in the cabin,” Hermione explained. “When we used to come with the rest of my family, my grandparents stayed out here, to get away from the noise of their kids and grandkids in the cabin.”
“It’s cozy,” I said quietly, looking around. “And quiet.” I caught her eye and smiled. “Hiding out here tonight?”
She blushed but shrugged nonchalantly. “We can...if you want.”
“If you want.”
As if she couldn’t surprise me anymore, she pulled out a small bag with a change of clothes - for both of us.
“Hey! I’ve been looking for this Oxford United shirt! You’ve had it all this time?”
“Remember after Ginny’s birthday party a couple years ago? I was supposed to go home but it was pouring rain and your mum pretty much forbade me to leave.”
I nodded and smiled. “And you came to steal pajamas from me. My Oxford United shirt and,” I pulled a pair of navy blue flannel pajama bottoms out of the bag, “and these.”
She shrugged. “I wore them home and I guess I kept forgetting to give them back. Figured we’d need something to change into - which I’m glad I thought of it since we were literally rolling in the snow!”
We each took opposite corners of the room and turned to give the other privacy to change. As I was changing, I caught sight of something behind the couch. I pulled out a pretty pristine acoustic guitar when I felt Hermione come up behind me.
“My Grandad’s,” she breathed. “He must have left it here.” I sat on the arm of the couch and set it across me, plucking a few strings.
“Bit out of tune but…” I started twisting and tuning the guitar to my liking.
Hermione smiled as she sat in front of me. “I forget you used to play.”
“Still do, sometimes,” I said softly. “I just fiddle around mostly, nothing crazy. I’m no Ed Sheeran or nothin,” I chuckled.
“No,” she sighed. “You’re definitely cuter.” Our eyes locked and I tried to form the words but it was as if I was frozen - trapped in her gaze as I fell mercilessly farther and farther in love with her. “Tea,” she breathed out.
“Huh? What?”
“Tea,” she stood. “I’ll make us both a cup. Two sugars and a bit of cream?”
I smiled and nodded. “Perfect.”
As she kept herself busy in the tiny corner kitchenette, I suddenly had a moment of inspiration and started playing a song I knew, thrilled that I remembered it.
Courage like a Lion, Weasley.
“That sounds familiar,” she said as she set my cup on the small table besides me and sat back in her spot.
“Yeah,” I whispered. She sipped her tea and watched me, her eyes bright and round and locked onto mine. I cleared my throat and started to sing softly.
“We are still kids, but we're so in love Fighting against all odds I know we'll be alright this time Darling, just hold my hand Be my girl, I'll be your man I see my future in your eyes”
Tears started to form in her eyes as she stilled and watched me intently. I knew my voice was likely rubbish, but I didn’t care. When she looked at me that way, I felt as if I could do anything.
“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song I have faith in what I see Now I know I have met an angel in person And she looks perfect I don't deserve this You look perfect tonight”
When I stopped playing, she set her cup down and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Ron,” she started.
I pushed the guitar aside and slid down off the arm of the couch to sit beside her. My hands cupped her face and her fingers wrapped around my wrists. “Ron,” she said again, this time as if she was pleading with me. I answered her by pulling her face to mine and brushing my lips against hers softly.
I pulled back the tiniest bit and looked at her. “This okay?”
“More than,” she breathed out. At that I captured her lips with mine and vowed to never let her go.
I was lost. Completely and utterly gone. Her lips were as soft as I imagined they’d be and more. They were gentle and yet persistent, shy and yet demanding. I marveled at how she could always be so many things at once.
When we pulled apart, I noticed she was crying again. “You alright Hermione?”
She let out a slow breath and smiled. “Never better.”
“Good, because I believe I made you an offer.”
“And...what offer was th-that?”
“Be my girl, I’ll be your man,” I rubbed my nose against hers. “Cause I most definitely see my future in your eyes.” She giggled and nodded. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own And in your eyes, you're holding mine Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight
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englandsgray · 3 years
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Sherlolly Self-Interviews 2020
Well hi 👋
Ignoring the internal image of Gilderoy Lockheart smiling smugly while flashbulbs pop and saying ‘In my autobiography, Magical Me...’ 🙈😆 I shall take the opportunity of this lovely event to introduce myself as a writer of Sherlolly fanfiction on AO3...
I am English and somewhere over 30.  I watched the show as it aired, and lost my heart as quickly to Molly Hooper as to Sherlock Holmes.  The kiss is British television history.  Series 4 is my favourite.  Moriarty on the beach is life.  The Holmes brothers break my heart every time.
I am extremely lucky to have been provided some questions to answer here by @ohaine and @mybrainrots - huge, huge love and thanks to these two lovelies, and not just for this.  I admire you both so much as writers, and your support means the world to me ❤️ Thanks too, to @sherlollyappreciationweek!
Where did you begin to write, and have you written for other fandoms?  I wrote my first fanfic when I was eleven years old - a 100 page ramble about The Monkees.  Oh yes.  Then in 2018, I fell for the characters of the Disney Pixar film Cars and began writing and publishing.  So far so random!  Writing in this fandom sprang from binge-watching all four series of Sherlock during lockdown.  I remembered reading Louise Brealey talking about being disappointed Molly didn’t get chance to ‘roundly kick Sherlock’s arse’ and agreeing with her wholeheartedly.  That, over a few weeks, turned into my first fic - Who You Really Are.  
You’re a recent (and welcome!) arrival to the Sherlolly ship, and I was wondering if writing in an established, less active than it used to be fandom has been a challenge?   Thank you, firstly.  My experience of this fandom has been incredibly positive - the sense of welcome has been wonderful.  I will admit I was terrified posting the first fic - there are hundreds of times more stories posted daily in the Sherlock fandom as in the one I had some experience of.  But I needn’t have worried, it’s been a blast.  I will also admit, that it’s no small thing to be surrounded by such brilliant writing and the long-standing passion which goes with it.  But I find that inspiring in itself, and I’m very glad to be here - how supportive the fandom are makes me feel like I always have been!       
What’s your favourite place and way to write?  My aesthetic is Lin-Manuel Miranda in his in-law’s laundry room 🤣 I wrote my first ten-thousand words on the notes app on my phone before my other half told me to stop being ridiculous!  I switch between the laptop, my phone and longhand (I’m a sucker for a nice notepad and a Uni-Ball Eye) and, more often than not, not sat up properly at a table.   
Since you’ve (done something I’ve never managed successfully and) written a novella length fic... how did you organise/keep track of all the details and where you wanted the story to go?  Did you outline/plot in advance?  First of all - I would love to see a novella length fic from you @mybrainrots!  The final scene of Who You Really Are came to me very early on and I knew I wanted the fic to fit within TFP - a lot of it takes place in the timeframe of the final montage.  At first, it was going to be much more about Sherlock’s relationship with the ideas of sentiment and love (the phrase ‘I’m not sentimental about you, I love you,’ haunted me for a while) and I spent some time researching the psychology and playing with scenes from throughout the series - one of my favourites I didn’t go on to use was inspired by the final scene of THoB.  Using scenes from the canon gave an automatic structure, and I was always aiming for the final one I wrote early on - the two of them on the beach (everything is about the beach, with me!)  As I went along and started, inevitably, to slow down, I mapped out the chapters with a short note of what I wanted to be in each, then would add notes or phrases as they came to me - often emailed from my phone!  I had to force myself through a tricky section set in Baker Street at one point, but it came together in the end.  I did plot The Pathologist’s Skeletons on paper first, as I found with a casefic which remains a WIP, that I can get confused and lose focus when it comes to details and how to reveal them in a way which stays paced and interesting.  I’ll certainly do that from now on with longer stories and cases.  How did you keep up enthusiasm for the work?  I want to write an original novel, so I am forcing myself to work through the knotty bits and blocks as a learning experience.  Not everything is destined to be finished or finessed, of course, but I’m finding this process is building my confidence that I can overcome problems and slow periods.  I also find I know when I need some external inspiration - some of my favourite scenes have come to me while out walking the dog or sitting on the beach.  I’ve also been inspired by books or other series or things going on in the world, as we all are, and sometimes that’s pushed me on.  Plus, of course, I’m a newbie - I’m very much in the honeymoon period of my writing, even though I’ve loved Sherlock for ten years! (Ten years! Bonkers.) 
You’ve got a knack for writing Sherlock’s thoughts and capturing his voice.  That said, which character do you find easiest to write?  Which is the hardest?  Thank you so much.  I absolutely love writing Sherlock and Mycroft, and I’m sure that’s because they suit my somewhat over-the-top writing style!  I find Molly and her POV really difficult.  I want the scenes I write from her perspective to sound completely different to Sherlock, but that means writing in a style which doesn’t come as naturally to me.  I’m a long way off happy with that at the moment, but I’m enjoying the challenge.
Is there a scene or character that specifically inspired you to start writing Sherlolly?  The whole of TFP, but especially from the moment Sherlock arrives at Musgrave onwards.  I am desperate to see what a Sherlock Holmes who has been reacquainted with his own heart would look like.  I find his emotionality in those final scenes hugely compelling (Mycroft’s office is one of my favourite moments from across all four series) and, as I have always believed in him and Molly, I practically jumped up back in May after watching it and said ‘right, where’s my notebook?!’.
There’s a lovely peaceful, quiet feeling to your fic ‘We’re All Right At The Moment’.  Can you tell us what inspired it and if you’ve thought of doing the backstory that goes with it?  Thank you!  Like everyone, I would go back to January of this year and start again in a heartbeat, but I am hugely fortunate to be able to say that I have a lot to be grateful to the UK lockdowns for.  I might never have begun writing in this fandom otherwise, for one, and I have had a brilliant time so far and met some lovely people. Honestly, I don’t feel able to do any sort of justice in my writing to what has happened in the world in any broader sense than drawing on my own experiences of staying at home and enjoying my family.  This particular super-short fic sees Molly cutting Sherlock’s hair at home in Baker Street.  I wrote it in the evening after I had cut my other half’s hair and had been reminding myself that despite how horribly worried I was - and still am - about everything, we were all right in that moment, and to focus on that as much as possible.  I wanted to try to capture that, if for no reason other than to look back on this entire experience and remember something lovely, so I am so pleased to hear you felt the fic did that.  It was only after I finished it and reread it, that I realised it is ambiguous as to whether Molly is worried about Sherlock contracting the virus, or whether she is remembering him being treated for it... As I say, I don’t think I could write more about these extraordinary circumstances - perhaps it’s just too close at the moment - so I don’t plan on extending it.  But you know how it is, the plot bunnies hop where they will... 
Do you have a Sherlolly music playlist?  What are your top five favs from the list? Here’s a run down of (6 🙊) songs I have been getting emotional over in the last little while, leading my brain to assign their significance to my favourite couple...
Kissing You - Des’Ree - It’s so 90′s, it’s a bit cheesy, it’s oddly disturbing.  It helped me write A Request, Made Properly, and that gave me an excuse to have Sherlock kiss Molly in the snow.
How Long Will I Love You? - Ellie Goulding - part of the playlist, but also in remembrance of a friend who passed away recently.  Life is very short, love is forever.
High and Dry - Jamie Cullum - It’s made me emotional for a very long time.  The original is my partner’s version of choice, this is mine.  
Think About You - Delta Goodrem - Okay, this one isn’t emotional, and it’s not my usual vibe!  Blame the zoom exercise class I do!  But oh my goodness, it’s Molly.  Bless her.
Blinded By Your Grace (P.T.2. F.T. MNEK) - Stormzy - One of the best ever, I reckon.  Spent an awful lot of time thinking about angels and demons, grace and what it takes to save someone, while writing my latest - The Pathologist’s Skeletons.  This has been in my head most of the (blimmin’) time!
Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding - I didn’t know I was a fan of Ellie until I wrote this list... I don’t subscribe to the theory that the love Molly wants or that which Sherlock has to offer is any lesser because it isn’t ‘normal’ or expected. I don’t think romantic entanglement would come easy to either of them. But it’s still love and it would be beautiful.
Thank you so much for reading.  Thanks and love to @ohaine and @mybrainrots. And thank you @sherlollyappreciationweek for the event and for everything you do ❤️
Feel like I should sign off with a quote from the show...
“You’re not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You’re a drama queen!” Dr John Watson (Moffat & Gatiss) 2014 😜
X
A fav fic of mine by @mybrainrots
https://archiveofourown.org/works/7563193
A fav fic of mine by @ohaine
https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562904
My stuff:
https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglandsGray/works
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b4civility · 4 years
Text
Chapter 5: James
  I know that not a lot of people that were also taking Visual Arts were going to be there, but I wasn’t too desperate about it either. Some to who I’ve talked to during the first week were nice but most of them were those edgy, cold, Clock Orange and Tarantino worshippers that just had their heads too far up their own butts to have a real conversation with. I think Betty was the only freshman that didn’t annoyed me at some level this past few days.Hope I get a chance to talk to her better. Is she thinking the same? Did she have a nice first week? Did she think of me at any point this past week? ‘Cause I had. I saw her twice on campus from afar, but she was always in a heated discussion with a group of people. This Political majors won’t miss a discussion, apparently. I hope she can take a joke, too. I think I remember her smiling at me the last time I was around, that gives me hope. 
  I skate there, only me with a bottle of champagne that I had smuggled from my mother’s hidden bar on the attic. Didn’t blame the people for staring, I was a Kid Cuts His Face While Riding a Skateboard With A Glass Bottle In Hand accident waiting to happen. I toss my board on the grass and get in, make myself home. I have been here for the same reason more times than it’s legal, but never felt uncomfortable enough to never come back again. It always started with some dubious glances and “who’s brother is this” muffled comments, and when we were all ready to call it a night lots of hugs and cheek kisses and “hope I see you next time, man!” were delivered at me as goodbye. Thus, I always came back. 
 “Sup Jaaames” Zoe greeted me. “ Nice! we were almost running out of this one, saved the party bro” she was pouring the champagne on her cup letting it leak a bit. She wasn’t sober. 
“Yeah, I see you enjoyed some of if”
“ You don’t miss a thing, do you?” she took a sip. “ I was going to say this party is going to be good for you to mingle, but you already know most of our friends. I didn’t invite many people from your class but I hope you get to know them better, it’s good to be friends with people you study with, don’t underestimate that” She handled her tipsiness with grace, I bet she could give me a well-thought speech out of the tip of her tongue if I keep winding her up. 
“ I talked to some, but they weren’t exactly my type of people, but I guess if I’m nice to them, they’ll be nice to me” 
“Probably. But I suppose they were no Betty, am I right?” she said, stretching her name.Had I say something? 
“ What do you mean?” 
“ Rumors fly,boy. A little bird told me that you and her had a pretty agressive locked-eyes-situation last time you were here”. Inez couldn’t keep her words neither her imagination to herself, which was worse. 
“ Yeah, I guess,but whatever…”
“Speechless,all of the sudden? hehehe”  she leaned her arm on my shoulder,trying to catch her breath to talk  “well, it’s not like it’s a surprise for anyone here. In any case, you know were the porch izzzzz” 
  I sat her down on the kitchen top, handled her a glass of water and told her I would say hello to some people. As I walked around, I saw some boys that would be in my grade if I was still in high school, Trevor and Nate. Fucking idiots. They were always the ones to start a fight on a party or to make out with girls that were just too drunk to persist to refuse. I didn’t engage in the first one, but had already started some myself for the second reason. But, right now, in front of all this people they were new to, they seemed like two nice puppies. I nodded at them and went to the backyard. Needless to say, I wanted to get to Betty as fast as I could so I just waved to a lot of people, grabbed a beer and looked around trying to appear as casual as possible. And there she was, talking to a friend. She was much more relaxed than when we had met and her eyes gleamed a bit when she smiled. I feel like I could come up to her and just ask “what’s up?” and we would spend the entire evening talking, as if we had done it a million times before. The scenario in my head didn’t worry me anymore, I wasn’t revising all my pick up lines trying to decide which one would work with her, I wasn’t forming a backup plan if she told me off. I just wanted to switch places with the girl in front of her. If only I had arrived earlier, if only that girl was talking to some other friend, if only I… was touching her tight. That girl was touching Betty’s tight. How close could you get over introduction week? Well. I guess I wouldn’t be the one to know. 
  I noticed that I had my eyes glued on the two for way too long so I went back inside. I wouldn’t say that I was crushed, but definitely disappointed.What was up with me? I misled my own self; it’s not like we had have any significant communication before, and it’s not like I was short on options of who to end the night up with. I wasn’t the one to fall like this;I had never been in love before.I sat on the couch for a bit drinking my beer until I heard from behind the other couch, that was in front of me: 
  “ You good, James? Another girl dumped you again? Uni girls don’t need your help when I’m around, do they? “Trevor said, giving Nate a high five for the extremely mature - almost academic, I would say-  line that intended to get on my nerves. His goal was to either get me to fight him or to kiss him. But I guess I was still too sober for his taste. I always nod it off, never engaged the other twenty times he has ever tried to get me out of my cool. 
But I could use the distraction.
 Deep breath, fake smile and ask: “Beer pong. Me and someone against you two. What do you say?” I ask him. If life gives you two brats, you make a beer pong match. 
  “ Never saw you so engaged in making a clown out of yourself, James. I’m in. What’s in for it?” 
  “ Shit, isn’t the whole point to just get drunk? That’s what’s in”
  “ I could be getting drunk with any hot bitch on this party, I’m not wasting that on you.Don’t be a pussy and bet something already” 
  “Whoever loses has to strip to the entire length of a song in front of everyone, in the kitchen counter.” Nate said.Trevor’s shadow could talk and knew the word ‘lenght’? Really underestimated that dude. 
  “Deal.”
  It’s not that I was a good beer pong player. Neither was feeling especially lucky that evening. But I did have Ashley going for me, she made an excellent partner when it came to this game. However, I managed to balance her out and we lost. 
  “Okay! This is finally the night that we’ll know what is the color of James’ panties!” Trevor high fived Nate again. 
  “ Dreamed about it much, Trevor?” I answered. 
  “ Doesn’t matter. It’s not me who’s getting naked. I’ll let you choose the music” 
  I hesitated a bit.
 “U can’t touch this”,I said. 
 He looked at me, a bit confused . “ Don’t get me wrong, James, I’ll definitely blast this but you’re digging your own grave” 
Trevor laughed.
  But a newbie is a newbie- since it was the first time they were ever in a college party, they weren’t aware that this was the song that played in every one of them and everyone had to dance to it. It was tradition. My brother, who was here before me, two years ago, warned me of it and taught me some smooth steps to this song. That’s when I discovered that I wasn’t too bad of a dancer and, long story short, everyone knew I could dance. So, when the song started and everyone got up and I stood on the counter, their heads bounced side to side, wondering what kind of code had been passed to everyone but them. And as I did the choreo, people started blasting my name, encouraging me. Damn, U can’t! touch! this! I was having a great time being the center of attention and the fact that I had to strip just hitted me by the middle of the song, so I started doing so. I took my shoes off, kicking them away on the beat of the song, and just as I had taken my shirt off- what led some girls to scream louder- the song ended. 
“LET’S GET THIS YEAR STARTEEEED!!!!!” I screamed at the end. The crowd shouted my words back at me. 
Yeah, I guess I’m starting big.
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quell-tea-salon · 6 years
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Nakamura Shugo talk event at Ginansai
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Osaka City University invited Nakamura Shugo (VA of Kuga Issei) for an hour-long talk show at their school festival, naturally drawing a decent group of his fans. I arrived at the campus with some time to spare as I wanted to check out the students’ exhibits and stalls as well (first time at a gakusai!), but an hour before the show started the seating area was already half full, so I went to secure a seat for myself. It was still pretty decent spot, about 10-12m away from the stage, so I could see everything clearly.
About 20 minutes before the show, the MC’s asked the audience to volunteer questions for Shugon by filling in a form and placing it in a blind box for Shugon to draw from later. I didn’t submit anything as I was too lazy to leave my seat ^q^ Then, about 5 minutes before the show, Drive A Live played over the speakers and there was a buzz among the audience. Everyone chanted “315!!” at the part before the chorus wwwwww As expected, there were a lot of Idolm@ster side M fans in the crowd. And quite a number of guys too! You can tell from the turnout at his events that Shugon is quite popular with the dudes as well due to his huge, sunny personality :)
The show started and the MC’s invited Shugon on stage while we cheered and clapped. Shugon was 50000000 watts right from the get go ;w; He thanked us all for coming and waved at us with the BIGGEST grin, so cute T_T He was also holding something that looked like a statue of a cat in his palm, and explained that one of the students on the organising team called “Ume-chan” (audience: “Ume-chan?! Umehara?!!!) had made a shisa just for him, and he loved it so much that he couldn’t put it down www
MC: Who's from Osaka? Audience: *two-thirds put their hand up* MC: Oh wow, a lot of people not from here... Anyone from overseas? Me: ..... *raises hand* MC: !!! Where are you visiting from? Me: Australia. Audience: ?!!!!!!! Shugon: Take me back with you!!!! (>∀<) Me: jgflkglsdg;kfd
And then my mind went blank for a minute as I tried to process what had just happened.... But, moving on. Shugon said that it was his first time in a school festival and that he was super tempted to check out the event, as even from the briefing room he could hear how lively everything was.
Shugon: I asked my manager if I could go outside but they were like, "NO." And I was like, "...Gomen (´・ω・`)" Audience: Cute.......
The hosts were both from the keion club, so Shugon, being a music nerd, had a lot of fun talking to them. I only remember this part vaguely (my mind was still reeling from Shugon asking me to take him home LOL) but I think they were discussing how Shugon got into music. For anyone not in the know, before becoming a seiyuu Shugon was part of an indie band called Akasaka Folk Village. He said that when he was younger (school-aged, I think?) he listened to regular pop music like everyone else, and it wasn't until he graduated from high school that he started to learn about a wider range of music genres.
When asked about his impression of Osaka, Shugon said that he's been here so many times (for work) that he considers it his third hometown, after Okinawa and Tokyo. He loves that everyone is so warm and friendly, and that all the food here is delicious, especially konamono (someone in the audience held up a Kaerru plush ww) like okonomiyaki and takoyaki, BBQ, and sushi.
After some time they moved on to the Q&A section. Shugon pulled out questions from the box and handed them over to the MC's to be read out.
Q: You obviously use your throat a lot in your work. How do you care for your throat? Shugon: I don't have ANY scientific backing lol, but I mix manuka honey in water and drink that every night. Honey's really good for the throat, and manuka honey is the best. It comes in different ratings, and the higher the rating the better. But the stronger ones are also really expensive! You don't need the expensive ones. Even regular manuka honey works really well.** Oh, during SQP my throat was in bad shape right before the concert, and when I told my manager they gave me a throat candy from Taiwan. After taking it my throat recovered immediately and I could sing even higher notes than usual!
Q: What kind of school life did you have? Shugon: In elementary school I was really shy and a crybaby, the type of kid that would run crying to his mother. In middle school I started to take an interest in sports, and you know how there are sports tests every year? In my third year I actually ranked second in the test!
Q: Any advice for students about to take their entrance exams? Shugon: I didn't do much studying as a student.... Whenever I'm invited to schools or unis for work, I see the students doing their best and think, ah, I should've tried harder in school! Sorry, what was the question? www MC: Advice for exams ww Shugon: Oh yeah! Good luck! Everyone, let's put our hands together to wish this person all the luck! *claps*
Q: What kind of hair style do you like to see on girls? Shugon: Mmmmm, this is a tough one... *Gestures to the person who submitted the question* What kind of hairstyle do you like on guys? Audience member: ........ Shugon: See? It's hard to answer, isn't it?www They all have their own charms... Everyone looks super cute! Audience: Kyaaa! Shugon: The guys look cute too! Audience (guys): Yaaaaay! Shugon: *1000000000watt smile* Audience: Shugon's cute too! Shugon: Thanks!!!!!!!!!
Q: If you could participate in a school festival, which club would you join as? And what date course would you plan? Shugon: Date course?? You can do dates in school festivals????? MC: Everyone does it.... the haunted house is especially popular with couples. Shugon: HAUNTED HOUSE!!! THAT'S AWESOME! 8D Student on 2nd floor balcony waving sign for haunted house: WE'RE OVER HERE!!!! Shugon: *Waves back* There they are!! Everyone go visit them!! MC: Couples get ticket discounts and-- Shugon: Wait, why do the COUPLES get discounts? Give it to the singles!ww But yeah, I love horror films so haunted houses are great... It'd be nice to go with a girl who gets really scared. I'd probably get punched, like "Shut up!!" *does punching motion and then mimes getting hit* "W, wait up!!" *mimes chasing after the girl*
He then asked the MC's how they take part in the school festival as the keion club, and they replied that they usually perform songs by Back Number. MC: But not many people listen to Back Number... Shugon: Back Number's really good! Everyone listens to their songs! Even in Australia! *gestures to me* Me: !!??????????????? *doesn't actually know Back Number but shook that he still remembers me*
Shugon encouraged the MC to try his hand at writing songs, and talked about how it’s good to create music with your own feelings and experiences to share with the world. MC: I write sometimes, but the next day I look at my work and think, "Man, this is embarrassing!" Shugon: I know!!!! I think this happens to everyone who’s tried writing. It's usually late at night when you're struck by inspiration and start writing, and at the time you think, "Oh boy, I've got something AMAZING!" but the next morning you look at it and regret everything. MC: Even the song titles can be lame... Shugon: Yeah, you're like "Why did I think this was cool?"
Q: When you're traveling to/from work, what kind of music do you listen to? Shugon: I used to do that, but not anymore. These days I set aside time just to listen to music. At night when I'm at home, I sit in front of the speakers and think "Which songs should I listen to tonight?" and just sit quietly for hours, listening. Lately I've been playing a lot of Sakanaktion (and another female artist whose name I forgot ;;).
Q: Do you like being called "Shugon"? Shugon: I LOVE IT!!!!!!! Everyone, on the count of three, say "Shugon!" Okay? One, two... Audience: SHUGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN!!!!! Shugon: THIS FEELS SO GOOD!!!!!!! Thank you, Osaka!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: What's your type? Shugon: My type?? My type is....... *looks at the audience member and switches to bedroom voice* Omae da yo♥  (It's you ♥) Audience: *DIES* Shugon: www My type is girls who retweet my tweets! Audience: wwwwww Shugon: Also boys who retweet my tweets ;D Audience: Foo~~~
Q: Can you share any interesting backstage stories from the recording for Side M anime? Shugon: Honestly, it has the atmosphere of a boys school. The recording studios are usually quite small, but a lot of actors are involved, so it can get kinda cramped and hot even with the air-con on full blast. A lot of people bring food/snacks to share and during break time we're all stuffing our faces. Uchida Yuuma, who plays Kaoru (the audience starts to giggle already ww) will just start doing push ups in the middle of a conversation, but we're so used to it that we just keep talking ww Shugon: Ishikawa Kaito, who plays the producer, is really into training, and he showed me a new workout move *sit sideways on chair and bends body into a V shape, where only his bum is on the chair and his upper body and legs are lifted* I can't do it well right now, but this is supposed to be good for your abs >< And oh, recently I went to Disneyland with Itou Kento (VA of Hazama-sensei) and we had so much fun! I remember standing in a queue full of couples where we were the only pair of guys.... It was a very long queue www
The last segment was a rock-paper-scissors game between Shugon and the audience, and the last 3 standing would receive a signed board from Shugo. I lost very early on :( But I saw one of the winning girls break down and cry when she realised that she had won. I feel happy for her ;w; Oh, in the first round, Shugon said something like “I’m gonna use rock!!”, which he actually did wwww In the second round the same thing happened, and when a huge portion of the audience got eliminated he was like “Why won’t you guys believe me?!” wwww
Lastly, Shugon promoted the side M anime and Proani. When he mentioned Issei, a girl in the audience held up a pair of Lizz-kuns (of the twins). Shugon noticed and thanked her for bringing them, aww.
Shugon left us with a farewell message, joking about how he had so much fun that it didn’t feel like work at all, and thanked us again for coming to see him. He also asked us to go and spend lots of money on the food stalls and exhibits to help the uni raise funds since the talk show itself was free ww As he was leaving the stage Reason!! played over the speakers and the audience screamed... Shugon went "Oh!!!" and sang just a little bit "by your side~♪" and we all DIED ><
Shugon has some photos of the event on his twitter (I’m somewhere in the 2nd photo, gdi.) I still have butterflies in my stomach when I recall the event.... Shugon was just so down-to-earth and radiant, and everyone had a great time. I personally will never forget that Nakamura Shugo spoke to me directly, even for just a few tiny moments *____* I’m sure he created some amazing memories for everyone who was present.
**Let me put on my pharmacist hat for a minute... He's partly right - honey is good for throat care (among many other uses) due to its antibacterial and healing properties. While manuka honey is marketed as being superior to regular honey, the scientific evidence so far is inconclusive. Manuka honey is definitely good for you, but so is any raw honey. The next time you have a sore throat, mix a teaspoon of raw honey and some lemon juice in warm water. You'll feel better after the first sip! Sometimes I just place a teaspoon of manuka honey in my mouth and hold it there for as long as possible.
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aquacai · 6 years
Text
compilation of bts/army tweets i retweeted but doesn’t actually appear on my profile (TWITTER WHY)
TEXT POSTS:
Namgi are actual prodigies, how did bang pd just casually pick em up like that
ARMYs give BTS amazing promo but it only works cause...
And just in case anyone doesn't know, we call K-army "diamonds" because...
namjoon: i made espresso!! jungkook: i wanna try it namjoon: u hate bitter coffee  
seokjin couldnt give less of a shit!!!!
Hoseok is Rock Lee
We have faves that are so willing to educate themselves...
I actually adore the final verses of The Last so much.
Hobi’s pseudo-triple entendres
why is this something i feel like rap line does in the studio
the funniest part of this run ep was when taehyung said...  
BTS teletubbies @ MBC Gayo 2017
every update this year
top three betrayals are bighit not releasing tony montana feat jimin...
When I first began to fully get into BTS, I had a pretty jaded view...
Dear BTS 2013, its ARMY 2018.
MY  DNA
*Yoongi's dating rumour*
this episode (run ep. 46) was so full of innuendos
fake trans on jin’s supposed feelings about the SIN separation
whoever is directing run should be reigned as the nation's hero...
What do you call a company that surpassed and outsold the big3?
bts are the definition of hyping ppl up for doing the bare minimum
an actual conversation that happened (run bts ep 46)
suran suga again and army
So I suddenly remember when Namjoon said these during Wings Tour The Final...
She was pushed by another members of staff  while doing namjoon’s makeup
I WAS IN THE SHOWER BLASTING BTS AND ONCE I GOT OUT...
to the female staff who consoled jimin and keeps saying “you didn't mess up”...  
they went from pardon to what was that
What happened at the first two episodes just made me respect Namjoon more.
on a serious note, it would be nice if when bts gets a special someone...
Next time during BTS concert, instead of screaming “encore encore”...
yall ever wanna think about how namjoon said that jimin needs lots of love and attention and thats probably why he shared a room with hoseok bc thats what exactly hoseok gives him
if I have any feeling towards BTS thats stronger than Love then it's RESPECT
the reason Jin was going on and on with his (R)evolution (E)volution (D)rop in the ocean thing might be because he was "hinting" at Youtube Red
one day, there will be a last...
namjoon came to post a selfie and left with a dating scandal
remember when hobi said “i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for bangtan”...
Namjoon admitting that he’s also “just a kid” ...
"The reason I make music is because, after all, I am also afraid of the world."
Yoongi's scalp is braver than any US marine
Sometimes we forget that Namjoon is also just trying to figure out the world.
PUMA fansign: thank you for making music that changes the world
Everyone has a musical preference & enjoy when their artists reflect that.
let me talk about taehyung and how amazing he is as a friend
i like when seokjin shares stuff about his childhood, we get to know his orijin
BTS is also  for redefining masculinity (hiphop is their way of life)
from humble beginnings to legends
burn the stage makes me realize that whenever rm post photos of nature ...
what exactly makes namjoon the sexiest for me ...
the reason seokjin’s chest and shoulders are so wide
Bighit: O! R YU DEAD, 2?
"What's your favourite song currently?"
the mask guy: u didnt bring anything to exchange so i cant help u
namjoons exchange [in the Fake Love Teaser 1] is so funny to me...  
here are some of my favourite joon interviews
"How did you join BTS?"
jin: i’ve been doing it for 4 years
I hate it when people say armys have two brain cells like bold of you to think we even have a brain (sarcasm lol)
i’m a new generation anpanman
When the Billboard news was released this morning... (wisha)
interviewer: so what are your goals?
sometimes i still think about how the fanchant of cypher pt4...
"Hoe calm down, my shoe lace is untied"
“itʼs ok, we all found bts when we needed them in our lives the most”
i’m so sorry but it’s fake love
i want to see the world from taehyung’s view
just for youuuu
i love that taehyung is never anything but proud when talking abt the fact that he’s gained weight
i bet taehyung gives the best hugs
Our bomb is like a permanent reminder...
remember when we were like omg hixtape‘s mv gonna have bomb ass choreography lmaooo
no but it's so cute bts call it family pictures and not group pictures??
there's an undeniable sexual energy between yoongi nd every trophy... 
bh staff: describe yourself in one word
jin: man, blowjobs sure are a mouthful (incorrect bts quotes)
THREADS:
I came across the Deloitte 2018 Media and Entertainment Industry Outlook
hoseok is one of the best dancers in the industry...
meaning behind whalien 52
KPOP101 LESSON 8: THE MINIMALIST ART OF THE KOREAN BALLAD
getting people flustered is hoseok culture - a thread
MY TOP 10 BTS SONGS (by KommonSense)
an explanation of rap lingo BTS use in their lyrics: a thread
I have some free time so like for an unpopular opinion. (hobybIo)
My Favorite Soft BTS Moments - A Thread! (odie)
Burn The Stage made me feel extremely vulnerable. (Aileen)
as Kings of Korean History [A thread] (KommonSense)
a thread of my favorite bts-related tumblr posts
Why and how the BTS rapline's experience with rap mirrors that of OG rappers
Everytime a BTS member was supportive of the LGBT community in any way
Namjoon (RM) Owning Up to His Mistakes
odie
Bangtan dancing styles thread
hoseok is one of the best dancers in the industry
Sky’s experience as a veteran ARMY
Jimin’s gliding technique (more threads on his dance technique)
analysis of how well DNA is structured as an EDM-pop song
I took a closer look into BTS’ intro Serendipity
Park Jimin is one of the most graceful and beautiful dancers in the industry
ok newbie kpop stans, welcome to history class (fandom shit)
An Introduction for the New, the Confused, and the Curious
BTS introduction thread
Science & literature are intrinsic to understanding how BTS and ARMY
how Singularity choreography coincides with lyrics
WHAT BTS ACTUALLY SAID - A MEGA THREAD
BTS song recommendations based on genres: a thread
rap line’s verses analysis
Mnet Comebackshow (LY:Tear) pre-recording review - THREAD -
"remember when" (BTS edition)
I'm watching a BTS music video and I don't know what the hell is going on, a thread:
LY: TEAR - MUSICAL ANALYSIS.
You know why I never will trust or listen to people who say "I left because of the fandom"
Type out what the bighit intro sounds like
Tyra Banks and her biological sons; a thread:
a thread about how BTS uses their music in their storytelling
for hot100, bts did what fans suggested
"Silly Little Trivia: Literal Choreography" thread for Fake Love
UNDERSTANDING BUniverse
BTS showing LGBT+ representation and support, a thread  (this, too)
BTS meets Western standards of “cool” established by 1960s music, particularly rock ethics
BTS’ success: human brand x fan relationship
to celebrate bts festa, here is a thread of army stan twt’s best moments
MEME PICS/VIDS:
Jimin in the Danger mv
save Cook-Jin
Hope as mom : can you even get in any college with these grades?
Namgi & their annoyingly jumpy kids
IM WHEEZING JIN DID IT AGAIN
Everything makes sense noW (spider bite, cooky bite)  
when they let you love them
When you need to wake em up
coming soon: Kim Seokjin only wanted a boyfriend
salt baes
EXPECTATION: "We aren't talking about BTS enough!
summary of run bts ep 46
i-armys and k-armys (suga’s ghost patting the clay)
Heaviest objects in the entire universe
"You will witness taehyung and jin fighting"
The battle of the year.
Hangsang with my thug
"Tangina mo," - J-Hope, 2018
choose your mineral water.
We all know... K-ARMYS & I-ARMYS
so who is giving them the candy?
I AM FUCKING DYING LAUGHING AT THEM IGNORING ALL THE KNOCKING IN THIS SCENARIO
I got bored and made ART
remember when namjoon asked for armys to edit him in because he missed the group picture with halsey
me listening to bts album skits
hoseok: hangsang with my thugs ||  his thugs:
we're finally getting the country comeback we deserve
fixed Jimin’s shots in LY:Tear
jungkook: made before i was born
this is what your food looks like inside the microwave
is this a theory?
is this an invitation?
He returned from the war
avatar Jimin
Yoongi and JK’s muffled convo
im just trying to take a nice screenshot....
ah yes, the four elements: fire, earth, water and snickers
Tyra Banks:  The BTS ARMY is devoted and crazy (in a good way!) xD
BTS [MV] - You Will Never Do a Live Alone
the nation's #1 producer & bts' hype man 
namjoon: you. me?
jungkook when he first met joon 
fierce lil meow meow
RM spinebreaker???
this looks like rap line were a group of friends who stuck together...
V was written all along in Jimin’s tweet lol
jwimin-ssi
Hangs out with Tyra Banks ONCE... 
learn the alphabet with BTS
TRANS:
When Bighit said they’ll donate 3% of LY album sales, u guys mocked us...
Kim Seokjin strange points
k-netz’ reaction on the Suga-Suran dating scandal
"Can bangtan fans please not get swayed by rumors?”
BTS trainer instagram re:B.T.S.
Music critic Kim, Youngdae nim’s MINI REVIEW on “Face Yourself”
Music critic Kim, Youngdae nim’s MINI REVIEW on “Euphoria”
bang pd and namjoon about his post supporting macklemore's song 'same love'
Konkuk uni student who became Seokjin's fan after speaking with him
I'm a multi-fan, I watch and listen to many idols, but I'm truly scared of BTS
an older woman(non-celebrity) admitted how much she loved BTS
So many warm teas in this article wrote by producer/musician Seiji Kameda
#LOVE_YOURSELF_轉_Tear Album HYYH Notes Translation Thread
180518 Love Yourself 轉 Tear - Thanks To Translations
“The lyrics in BTS’ album are so great  Huge congrats to receiving at BBMA ”
response to #1 Billboard 200
BTS 2018 Festa Member’s profiles
VIDS:
KBS Happy Together 3 - Spring Day sung in karaoke room
imagine being this close to sunshine
Ashes - Lim Jeong Hee ft. BTS (2011)
kook's carelessness brought out his sunshine laugh just like that
Remember when bts proved to armys that they are all really spiderman
that time the cameraman was filming bts and jungkook started telling him...  
i still get so soft over this the way jin hugged taehyung...
Seokjin killed it in this part in boy in luv
the sound of their footsteps is so satisfying omg
Remember when Jin and Ken met on a year end event rehearsal and they just...
Jungkook’s ‘yes’ and smile when Miri jumped through his arms...
seokjin and his interactions with camera men
Remember when Yoongi & Namjoon sang the high notes in Young Forever...
look at the difference between taekook and jinkook’s handshake lmao
this dance break has a special place in my heart :')
remember when Taehyung accidentally cut his real hair...
Nver forget that iris stevenson was the first one to believe in taehyung...
did yall notice that fdjghgd i’m shaking (run ep 46)
To remember the great SiN/YoonJin moment...
the wings era might be over but this snippet of each member’s solo songs...
Yes, Mom. This man right here. I love him. No more questions?
this is the best video of jin to ever exist
here’s jungkook having fun dancing to mama and lie
slush ft. jin
tell me why is it so funny that yoongi only opened 1/10 of his door n went back so fast
nothing but respect for my choreography leader
when jungkook opened the window well aware that it was raining
what makes you laugh? seokjin’s face
Bringing this back when taehyung was dancing nae nae...
SOMEBODY GIVE THIS BABY BLANKET AND BED...
i love this performance so fucking much!!!!
your ultimate mood booster (hobiiii)
HOLY SHIT MIN FUCKING YOONGI DID THAT
susko sobra ung bucket hats
THE WAY YOONGI AND HOSEOK SAY "RM" TOGETHER
remember when seokjin and hoseok were recognized by fans in america
jungkook imitated namjoon's finger heart and wink in a cute way
A compilation loop of Hoseok sneezing because it’s cute. Bless you!!
remember when jimin was hyping about their concert but hoseok
Hoseok left the group during Trainee days
heres 12 seconds of yoongi doing That Scream™ ...
this is what happens when you openly listen to bts without prejudice
when i say i want a rock song, i want THIS.
When Jungkook couldn’t pronounce Army bomb because of his Busan accent
U kno the thing joon does when he finds something?
reminding all of you that the special talent yoongi prepared is... imitating a doorbell
Here's a compilation of musicians getting shook by the sudden change to major in Jimin's 'Lie'
He actually blew a kiss how adorable
The fanboying level on this video is just
Hoseok doing background vocals/harmonising in Let Go (??)
...namjoon literally gets amused at the toy which blows a ball in the air...
NAMJOON DROPPED THE MIC HE WAS HOLDING AND JIN...
Lie rough instrumental
rough draft of Autumn Leaves, Young Forever, Wings (RM), Wings (JK)
Joon’s voice in the BBMA nomination teaser
Jin's reaction when I (sky) told him I brought him a present...
why BTS was nominated for BB TSA 2018
taehyung was fighting back his tears when they won TSA at 2017 BBMAs
Yoongi forgot his lines in Ma City and he just...
mannequin Tae
Bangtan ended ALL fashion weeks tonight !! (4th muster japan)
members cheering jimin up, wings tour macao
RM’s ending ment, Wings Tour the finale (Day 2?)
never forget bts' iconic reaction when they won their first daesang
When Jin was bowing, Jimin held him down and Jungkook immediately ran to sit in front of him.
jimin and seokjin debating whether dolphins could breathe underwater
look at tae's reaction when bang pd's voice broke
interviewer: what?
“DonT FiGht, Dont Fight!” :(((
RM: “we want to focus on our career”
Q: what's your favorite thing about yourself? yoongi: ᶤ ˡᶤᵏᵉ ᵖᵘᵖᵖʸ
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HOW JOON TRIED TO DO THE LIL DISNEY WAND THING WITH HIS FINGER IM HURTING
jungkook’s closeups
BTS with Ciara at the BBMAs 2018
don’t ever forget that seokjin is one hell of a snowboarder
“the reason why bts, who was not supported by big agencies, succeeded, is that they tried to read the world and to breathe [with the world] together”
this is what happens when u leave namjoon and jimin alone together
this video of seokjin being hype then instantly stops when his manager look at him will never be not funny
LMFAOOO WAIT TAEHYUNG AND NEYO WERE JAMMING TOGETHER
An exclusive interview with #BTS ! (MBC News)
i love this version of airplane pt. 2 so much (jk+jm part)  (jimin mode~) yt link full
john cena getting asked whats his favorite song off love yourself tear
The female staff who video tapes BTS bangtan bombs is amazing
WHAT THE FUCK JUNGKOOK LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE SEOKJIN...
Q: Please say something to international ARMYs
awake (short harp cover)
airplane pt. 2 dance cover
compilation of yoongi stuff in raps
wHY IS JUNGKOOK LIKE THIS
the way he said "what's your name?" and shouted "michelle!"
full vid of the two links above
#ISeoulU bts vid 2015
Tyra Bank’s music vid for Fake Love
vmin in sync is scary
fake love original choreo
jungkook said ‘mic drop!’ after he stepped on the wire and made the mic fall
tae acting in euphoria
puppy jungkook is still the most ᵘʷᵘ :(
hobi jk mirror dance with finger heart (mcountdown)
ONEW WAS THROWING CONFETTI AT TAE PLEASE THATS SO CUTE
Look how Jiminie gave the trophy to Yoongi cuz baby boy knows
tae: so show me  army: i’ll show you~  {music core)
minho and tae hugging (music core)
tae’s aegyo in board game run ep
look at taehyung acting all cute in the back
when seokjin goes like (•3•) its the cutest thing ever
wow jimin was that an accident
YOONGI REALLY IMITATED HIM IM SKFJDJ
What 시 (si; hour) is it?
SUGA: honestly, I rlly liked pro-wrestling
a fancam of taehyung spilling his water on his face
ARMY giving hobi a flower with his face on it (fansign) (180603)
BTS: *on their way to a very serious interview on one of Korea's biggest news channels*
yoonkok instant hug BV S1
sunud-sunod na aegyo in anpanman outfits
jungkook pulled off straps and threw down two straps then taejin picked them up
legends say this is the closest rep of how hoseok looks in real life
Kihyun really had the courage to throw confetti in yoongi's face tho
52 year-old man is a director of a company in Japan dancing DNA
I stan a king of fan service he's so adorable!
when taehyung was fake crying and jimin came & softly hugged him from behind
this or that game
jk imitating his hyungs (180607 fansign)
HOW UNSEE THIS IM LAUGHINF SO HARD shkhhh  (awake)
biggest mystery in kpop - who's collecting who in the background??? (taejin?)
SEOKJIN ENDED THE PERFORMANCE DOING A FINGER HEART... 180607
hopekook's modified mirror dance 180607 mcountdown
jk reacting to ariana grande bbmas 2018
Look a joonie :( look at him go :(
REMEMBER WHEN HOSEOK SAID HE WAS CLINGY WITH YOONGI (BV2)...
noona fan giving hobi and jimin “allowance”
namjoon drunk-tweeting?
carbonara
LOOK AT LIL MEOW MEOW GO (basketball)
look at jimin’s reaction when a noona gave him a finger heart
they had to throw the yellow cloth at the finish of the performance...
OTHER PICS:
tae being so accepting in star king ;w;
i may be not here since 2013, but im still lucky to witnessed yeontan's lil growth
remember when bangtan was running late for their show...
NAMJOON’S REPLY TO THE SELCA JIN POSTED OF HIM...
hobi and his hearts
ep 1& 2 of B.T.S. has at least cleared up 2 main issues in this fandom
RM has a little #WednesdayWisdom from Burn The Stage.
This photo is a complete mess.
yoongi’s kind of humor is my favorite
Their biggest dream isn’t to break records, its to stay together for a long time.
They recorded their interviews for the documentary when they did Gayo track 15
what jimin said here was really interesting and great
the most powerful twins
They decided not to blur these faces of people who's behind BTS’ success.  
BTS calls their staff with nicknames, noona or hyung...
it really went from edits to jungkook actually saying it
IM CRYING BIGHIT PAID FOR YOONGIS TUITON :((
LMFAO at none of them even touching the salad
tae’s uneven eyelids
when jin got allowance from his dad to buy steak...
LOOK AT YOONGI RUN SJDNDNDNDN
give me a better photo transition I'll wait #euphoria
love yourself 起 wonder (2018)
jin being peymous even pre-debut
THIS STILL GOTTA BE THE FUNNIEST THING JOON HAS EVER SAID
the most remarkable twins in history
a turkish tv show asked for ppl to send in pics w their siblings and someone sent in jin and jimin
taehyung’s a legend that listens to music on his laptop on the go
onigiri yoongi
MY MOTHER CAME INTO MY ROOM AND ASKED IF JIMIN IS MY BOYFRIEND
jung hoseok aka the king of mirror selcas
Tiny bestfriends vmin who have been inseparable since kindergarten AU
old bts pics I still can't believe exist: a thread
yoongi at namjoon's graduation (w/ hoseok)
I COMBINED TAEGI'S PICS TOGETHER AND OH MY GOD SJSB
"i put sticker on my carrier" yeah ryt
oh nothing just seokjin casually putting his LG G7 ThinQ at his jacket pocket
He show his flower uwu
taehyung accidentally becoming a meme on diplo's snapchat
Never forget Jungkook's Hongdae adventures
THANKS JIN for not killing jungkook
liam’s post of namjoon :D
that one time namjoon tweeted a picture of them with the caption of “we are all fools”
A 59-year-old friend of mine talking about Love Yourself:Tear
I was worried because I thought yoongi kept doing some kind of gang sign but--
This has to be the best reaction to a non-fan of BTS...
when you are sitting beside BTS but mcflurry ice cream is life
why is this exactly what all of their mixtapes sound like
dispatch - yoongi, fake love
taehyung’s chubby cheeks when he smiles
taehyung and his tea
OMFGGMFM LOOK AT Tyra Banks when boys went up for their award she’s a whole Mood I love her
BTS FESTA 2018 prediction
carry him again, jin
I KNEW THEY WERE GONNA CLOWN HIM
top10 mistranslations betrayal 
Yoongi doing ᵗʰᵃᵗ smile
wide open yoongi
brigada eskwela stairs album art
jin flower petals (fansign)
namjoon vs svt jihoon
yoongi continuing his lil meow meow agenda
These two cuties just melted my whole heart (tae and tanie)
So... are we gonna talk about how they drew one stickman thicker than the rest
Low key promoted BTS the past 3 weeks in our hospital...
The exact same cat, same plant & same island taken 1 year apart. (ARMYSelca)
yoongi bunched up(?)
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outlyingthoughts · 4 years
Text
1:58, exam szn & cuffing szn: Oct 19.
It’s 1:58 on the small digital clock of my computer. Sleep is a scarce during exam period, either fearing to fail professionally or at life in its entirety. College students roam around campus from 8am to 12am. One cigarette break after another, groups, nationalities and pasts meet and strive among one another. Just over a glimpse of sunshine, all our youthful bodies plead the rays to caress our skins.
It’s normally soft and overwhelming, but today it made me shiver. Crawling inside, overthinking, social anxiety and aching mood swings, burst up under my skin and words can’t reach my mouth. Today, I tried to tell the words, vomit all that was weighing on my guts, but instead watery spheres glide innocently out of my eyes. All the uni students were out, early afternoon airy light, all holding the profound belief that it was the last time we’ll see this star while my only profound belief, almost primal, was that I had never been this lonely. I probably had a couple of notifications left to check and more people to greet, but tears blurred the warm rays and my vision; I ran away.
Coming back from my short exile, the words were seating lower, down my throat, stuck, fat with meaning and emotions. Scanning the curious or worried eyes of my friends, shame burnt my fingers, my hands suddenly fidgeting faster and faster. Dismissing my unrestful inner crybaby and its whiny instincts, I dismissed your questions: exam season, exam season is the reason.
For it’s not a lie but rather an incomplete truth; exam season is a closed Tupperware in which we all marinate, trapped, we may mix well as a dish but still the steam on the lid hovers above our heads. Threatening, the pearls born from condensation are reminders of the future ahead, of our responsibilities of today for tomorrow, of our parents back home, expectations and knowing that deception won’t be an option. Afraid to never become the person I’ve promised myself to be throughout my almost two decades of life experience, anxiety grows from my expectations. I grow with my fears, drowning at times, closing my eyes facing them most of the time. It’s a sweet life one can have when all fears are just hidden under a big invisibility cap. But electro-shocks revive those old friends like rusty hearts, and within two blinks of an eye, closing my eyes to them becomes impossible. Crushed by the size they grew to while my eyes were closed, my terrors can’t blink, eyeless, they just smell my weaknesses and dig blindly into them.
Well nested within the stress of exam season, my fear of not-making-it-in-life is now a recurring motif of my anti-climax drama. Being away from home is both a blessing and a curse, finding yourself by leaving also means losing yourself in the novelty; all the responsibilities from before fuse away from my brain: I forget about the pain, I forget about the past, I live moments as if they were pearls from an necklace without a string. I feel guilty I’m afraid of changing, even more afraid of going back. As if all Zoes I might have been were finally meeting, they’re loud and all take too much room, yet they don’t bring me enough and I can’t handle any of it. I’m afraid when the lights turn out that I won’t be able to “reach out” anymore, as if the bluetooth function had been turned off, I can’t say the things I mean, my eyes can’t remember what they normally look at when I listen or talk, they move around like balls of onyx, dark empty of colors, my mouth opens and my body moves but it’s not me anymore. Anxiety took over and I retreat, sometimes I peek through and my eyes look up at you my friend.
I wish you could see me looking at you, I’m worried for both of us. I’m worried because I know you’re not doing good, I’m worried because it feels like I can’t convey that I’m not either. then the guilt takes over: I insult the selfish bitch in the back of my head that cries for help (who are you to think your issues are more pressing, painful and threatening than others?). Suddenly I watch all the words, I weight all the moves, trying to take the least amount space in the room, of words in the discussion, of my presence in the moment: trying hard to give you as many options as possible to forget about me. And sometimes it feels like it works, and with an explosion in my heart, I retreat further, like a lost kid. It’s all worst when you start doubting the people you care the most about; but how can they care about someone like you?
Such a puzzle, further in the retreat, I still want you to find me but won’t move I’m too afraid you’d notice I’m still here and decide it’s time to ditch me. Caught up between feeling like you shouldn’t be here and wanting to be here, share at home where your heart is, I’m paralyzed. That’s why the sun didn’t bake my soul like it normally does. A fear of not being compatible with the people you relate the most too, like the uncle hated in the family, it becomes constant obsession, sickened brain that tries to find proves and clues in meaningless words and thoughtless behaviors, you exclude yourself in your own paranoia, you’re afraid to not be loved by the ones you cherish, yet another recurring motif.
It turns everything into a fog, daily duties aren’t linked and I tumble through life either with intense bliss or destructive deception. Loss of satisfaction, because suddenly nothing has taste anymore. Almost as if, without the belief in the love from your surrounding, all turns fade and cold. So I look for a home in everything, dwell over new routines, new projects, but mainly the past. All but concentrate on the keys available today, I project, continuously trying to understand others while I can’t begin to find the words to put over my inner turmoils. My mind simply gets lost, jumping to conclusions, dropping the arms try to get out of my mental messes. Trying to open up, spill one more time all the pains but still nothing comes out, I’ve already said it all in bits but I can’t bring myself to connected the dots for you as I fear if you saw it too, you’d confirm it all. It’s too hard to look back at what you were, the intensity that was once yours, almost fearless in the arms of someone. It’s hard to know that one year ago, you were in love and in denial, softly coated in illusions. It’s harder when the only person you want to talk about it with was the one comforting you in these illusions; the hardest when that person knew all about your discomforts, your fears, silences and reality. When that person met your heart on another level, the hardest when now, there is nothing left but bitterness, anger, regrets and derision.
It’s so hard when I call you and you don’t answer, harder when you don’t call back, the hardest when we’re in the same city and it feels like we walked past each other a million time and only I looked back as you went on. When we’re in the same city, I see you everywhere, I see heartbreak everywhere. It reminds me that I was once vulnerable, and my core tells me I won’t ever be. There’s a profound sadness radiating  in my chest when such reminders are flagged across my mind. I know that for now I’m fine, I’m in the age of fun and fear of commitment, but sooner than later, I’ll stay behind, as they’ll all walk past.
Hand in hand, and now I’m holding my own, strong grip, small and dry hand, I hate its texture under my own fingers and don’t wonder why no one is holding my hand. I’ll be behind, numbed by emotional unavailability, I’ll be a late bloomer, late to the party, hurried into the cab of marriage and motherhood for I’ll convince myself it’s all I ever wanted. Maybe I’ll put a stop to it, jump out through a quick and clean divorce, I’ll retreat once again, either I won’t want to bother you, as you’ve been the love of my life but I was never yours, or I won’t want to have nothing to do with you, as you were never the one, only trapped me because I know I don’t deserve better. It’s so hard to get back “into” life once you feel like you’re not welcomed in it anymore. I’m not welcomed anymore in love and affection, I feel like I’m not welcomed anymore in breathing freely, I feel myself changing and I’m afraid of her, of my reflection in the mirror. I’m afraid of becoming who I fear to become.
At night, when I’m alone, he surges and I can’t sleep after a day of panic. I open youtube and a TED talk about “overcoming the fear of love” rolls on. Trillion Small tells me that our neuronal system has mechanisms of defense. It recognizes what hurts you and when you encounter one of its components or something similar, apparently police sirens blasts in your brain. My fear of love shakes my soul, whenever someone mentions having to put trust and vulnerability on the line, sirens cry and my instinct runs: it’s already hard enough to not doubt my friends’ love, how could I trust that one could give me his full incompromised devotion?
So I shake further in my fears of the future, failing, love, past and paranoia. Unfortunately, this year, exam season and cuffing season overlap and my fears turn cross-sectional.
It’s 3:22 on the digital clock now. Drake on the speaker says “she could do better” and she asks if “he’s drunk right now”. My tea is cold and so are the salty puddles on my keyboard. I wish my mouth allowed me to ask questions but Billie in the next song tells me not to ask questions I don’t want the answer to. 
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