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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

taglist : @criminalmindsvibez @moreidstrobed @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @temily @enbyspencer @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

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lnkedmyheart · 2 years

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A Harry Potter rewrite but

Someone acknowledges how the school system is built to actively promote the constant isolation of young impressionable children with toxic families and nurture them in an environment that only acts as an echo chamber telling them about how much better blood purity is. Yes, I'm talking about how any child sorted into Slytherin is highly likely to become a Death Eater simply because of the way they are forced into a toxic echo chamber.

Severus Snape isn't a nice guy who takes out his anger at a dead man on his young son and isn't defined solely by his "love" (See: obsession) for said boy's dead mom. He also learns to be happy for her but still actually loves her instead of idk...being a dick to little children.

Sirius and Remus are an actual couple (because I fucking re read PoA and OoTP simply because I saw people saying there was zero subtext and I distinctly remember there being subtext as a gay closeted kid and guess what...it's still there. It's still gay as shit and it's still subtext (and accidental cause Rowling can't write compelling romance for shit).

Which brings me to my other Remus ship. If I were to rewrite this obviously Wolfstar would have become canon and they would have survived and taken Harry in. Tonks, that badass mofo of an icon would have wooed some girl off her feet and been an absolute legend as she did it and all that jazz. BUT since I'm trying to stick close(ish) to canon I guess we're still murking Sirius (poor boi deserved way better). So, Remus still had a romantic relationship with Sirius, but after Sirius' death he falls for Tonks and it's a slow process and Tonks makes it clear that a) he needs to get over himself and his self hatred because it is not his fault and b) he deserves to be happy for himself. Remus falls for Tonks because they share some experiences, they actively interact, Remus is his old self deprecating self and Tonks, instead of becoming depressed puts her foot down and goes "I will always be there for you but YOU need to fight for ME". And Remus is like "oh ShIt! I do love her and I can grow to deserve her" and grow into loving himself for her and then they get together (and not die). And then you have an iconic bi dude marrying a genderqueer bi hottie.

Tonks' patronus doesn't change. Because no, just fucking no. That cool self sufficient baddie will never change her personality or soul to mould herself to a dude. Nope. Fuck you.

James and Lily's romance is also clarified on more and Lily more explicitly falls for him because he proves to her that he is a genuinely good person through an act that is NOT meant to impress her.

The prank has more context because wtf was happening there.

SOMEONE comments on Harry's very obvious bisexuality.

Peter's betrayal is a deeper blow because here he is shown to have genuinely adored the marauders instead of being the "that guy" of the group. Also his betrayal is for much deeper reasons than "aha I just chose to stick with the winning side".

Dumbledore actually gets called out on being a manipulative bastard more.

Harry doesn't name his son after his mom's obsessive nice guy pal who constantly hit and mocked him and a guy who reared him like a pig for slaughter and instead names him after one of the many MANY wonderful people who died in the war and his first name is Sirius because we just HAD to kill the ridiculously queer coded godfather (who deserved better).

Also Remus and Tonks were at the hospital during Sirius 2.0's birth and tried a mini spell to ensure he has some level of lgbt-ness to him. And they both cried when Harry said the baby was named Sirius because Sirius always wanted to be one of the Potters.

#marauders mostly #but still #wolfstar #remadora #hinny #jilly #all of these tags are relevant and y'all need to get over yourself I literally ship both remadora abd wolfstar #and NOBODY can stop me!!!

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absolutebl · 3 years

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This Week in BL

May 2021 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

It’s a cray cray Friday when Vietnam gets its eng subs up before GMMTV Thailand. What alter-reality are we in? Well, the Vietnamese offerings are better right now anyway. (Oooo, feel that burn.)

Ongoing Series - Thai

Top Secret Together Ep 2 - pulping it up in the best possible way. Sure sound and production values are pants, and in classic Thai fashion the editing in post is exacerbating (rather than fixing) pacing issues, but it’s still CUTE AF. I don’t even mind the added university storyline, because they’ve got good chemistry (and a confident gay fresher after a panicked gay hazer is an old favorite... what can I say, SOTUS was my first love). We aren’t spending too much time with any one couple, so it’s weighted a lot better than Brothers was, but also character development is slow.

Siew Sum Noi Ep 2 - Unfortunately, it’s just too hard to find, plus no subs. I’m dropping it in the hopes it comes back on my radar some day.

Y-Destiny Ep 8 - (Thurs) It’s rough having a ghost boyfriend, half your friends are scared, the other half think you’re crazy, and kissing shortens your lifespan. This was a cute couple even if I wasn’t wild about the surrounding story.

Close Friend Ep 5: (Dear My Star/JimmyTommy) - about high school penpals. It had to rely entirely on voice over work as the actors only meet face to face at the end. It’s a good thing they are appealing screen presences on their own, with good vocal control. It’s hard to imagine any other BL pair carrying this kinda plot. It’s by far my favorite of the series so far, and I’m not even a big JimmyTommy fan.

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 7 - no subs. Do we care? Not really. Because we have...

Nitiman Ep 3 - currently my favorite out of Thailand. It’s the university Thai BL i’ve been waiting for since... when was the last good one? My Engineer? Yowza. Anyway we got: head on my shoulder, baby is a floppy drunk (but still wants to be in control), proximity alert, boyfriend’s closet, seme gets seriously jelly, and a cute twist on feeding him. There’s something fun and complex about Jin’s character. He’s not a panicked bi. He knows exactly what’s going on, he just hasn’t decided if he wants Bb or not. He clearly enjoys being looked after, the compliments, and the attention, but he’s not sure if he’s going to like what happens if he gives in. I like that twist on the usual tsundere uke archetype a lot, cautious rather than willfully obtuse or freaked out. We can see Jin realizing in stages: I like this person, I like that they like me, I like the romantic attentiveness. But in the background is... do I actually want to f*k him? It’s a dynamic we don’t often see on BL.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 10 fin - the most ridiculous show using BLs worst tropes in a sort of weird smoothie of bitter greens and too ripe banana. The ending was the sappiest cheesiest thing ever, like cheese syrup tapped from the cheese tree. So of course I loved it, but I’m pretty sure I giggled through all the bits meant to be profound. Because, in the end, to tolerate this show at all, you just can’t take ANY of it seriously. RECOMMENDED (with some SERIOUS reservations and trigger warnings.) Full review here.

Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan) Ep 1-2 - I don’t mind a damaged seme character but this one is a bit weird for me. Like creepy Cheese in the Trap level weird. On the bright side, the story has given our tsundere uke good motivation for his angst and great existing friendships, loyalty, and likability. Plus I’m invested in the cafe owner/innocent puppy side dishes. So if it’s only the seme character I’m not jiving with, and he’s the most established actor, it should all turn out fine. I believe in you, Taiwanese BL.

Papa & Daddy (Taiwan) Ep 6 fin - speaking of belief. This such a good show but they gave us a cliffhanger ending. Now we must hope against hope for season two. That’s never guaranteed with Taiwan tho. So, I’m docking a few points and saying, RECOMMENDED so long as you realize it’s a cliffhanger.

Love is Science? (Taiwan) Ep 1-9 (BL subplot) - this is a good het romance, but the fact that the BL subplot is a beautifully acted disaster bi + confident gay means you’re hearing about it whether you want to or not. Plus they just added in some GL! Come on! I gotta support Taiwan normalizing queer to this extent. They are fighting the good fight and if I also have to watch a career lady and her much younger softest straight boi get it on, too? Twist my arm with that service sub subtext. Go on Taiwan, TWIST IT. It’s on Viki. Join the revolution. * Incidentally if you actually like the D/s het dynamic of this show, I highly recommend Japanese Kimi wa Petto - career woman keeps a hot young dancer boy as a pet. Oh yes, an actual pet, that IS the pitch. Never doubt Japan when kink is on the line. It’s also on Viki. Go get your kink on, thank me later. (If it helps: That was not a request.)

Most Peaceful Place 2 (Vietnam) Ep 2 (AKA 5) - love triangles aren’t my thing, but if you’re gonna do it short form, by all means bring in the lead’s other BL pairing so the chemistry is on point. Now I've no idea who I want him to end up with. Can’t they just be in a poly triad?

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 7 - I’m still enjoying it a lot. It’s still unabashedly queer and the tension is ramping up. We now have secret identity, blackmail, femme fatale, faen fatale, and incoming seme confrontation. Best of all, the series is still airing, which makes it longer than any other Vietnamese BL I’ve seen (aside from Tein Bromance - which is just too weird to count).

Gossip - Thai BL

SEVEN PROJECT TEASERS

No one is entirely sure what Studio Wabi Sabi’s Seven Project/7Project will entail.

It might be like Close Friend (1 episode per couple, no linking),

or Y-Destiny (2 episodes per couple, loosely linked),

or The En of Love (4 episodes per couple, linked but independent consecutive stories).

They’re giving the couple’s arcs separate titles. So each one would be what? Seven Project: Once Upon a Time or the like? We’re in Taiwanese title territory people and NO ONE WANTS TO GO THERE. Anygay...

Once Upon a Time is the BounPrem (og UWMA) anchor story, and seems to be the most dramatic and likely saddest. These two can handle most of what’s thrown at them at this juncture, so it should be good.

Vs Love is a BoomPeak (og Make it Right) university vehicle. Since I thought Boom was done with our nonsense, I couldn’t be more thrilled and surprised this pair is doing another show together. I don’t think either of them are the greatest actors but I find Peak very endearing and Boom charismatic on screen, so I’ll watch.

Would You be My Love is the hotly anticipated SantaEarth launch. They’re a (cultivated) IRL ship and Earth is an established BL actor. They have great chemistry and high energy so this could be lots of fun.

We are also getting a GL from this series from established BL actresses Samantha and Pineare. Nothing teased yet on that, but I’m looking forward to this installment the most. Also curious to see how the ladies handle the branding and promo side, not to mention the culture. (Thailand variety shows gonna force *girls* to play the Pepero game?)

Secret Crush on You upcoming Thai BL with no release date, co-produced by and featuring (but NOT staring) Saint and directed by Cheewin (sigh) with all fresh faces. (Previously known as Stalker the series.) It looks like pure pulp and I’m not wild about the plot but could be better than expected as it’s adapted from a novel. Cheewin is an okay director when he has an actual story to follow.

Don’t Say No the series. Coming from the producers of TharnType this is the JaFirst vehicle many have been waiting for. Friends to lovers + a good boy/bad boy pairing on a sports romance foundation. It’s basketball so they tapped Meen as well (he’s semi-pro). The bad news? You get one guess as to who is writing the darn thing? Yep it’s MAME. So, ya know, expect some slam dunk kidnapping, a light dribbling of rape, and me turning into a basketcase. AKA...

Will I have to live blog this series in order to survive it? That seems to be the only way I can. So probably. Which means the bad sports puns will continue. Look, if I’m suffering, SO ARE YOU!

Rumors of a new YinWar vehicle The Best Story (mini series) coming in July. Also rumors that their previously announced Love Mechanics (full length series) has either been delayed, is facing money issues, or is moving studios, or all three.

Breaking News

DELAYED (I’m talking these three off the watch list until we get new airing dates)

Love Area’s release was pushed out but it got a trailer.

Golden Blood was supposed to drop Weds but comments in MDL report that it is delayed due to C19.

Love’s Outlet (Taiwan) is supposed to have started a 50 episode run (only 3-5 min each, what utter nonsense). Sadly, this delay is due to a surge in cases in Taiwan which was doing so well, but also doesn’t have many inoculations.

Bad Buddy has started workshopping at GMMTV actual.

Kang Insoo’s BTS for Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding is SO FLIPPING CUTE. You have to watch it. Trust me, I don’t rec behind the scenes stuff often.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

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chickenfreeblog · 3 years

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hi chicken, I really like and admire your androgynous (is that the best word? is there a different one you prefer) vibe and was wondering if you had any advice on how to like embody that and how to get other people to see you that way too instead of like “x dressing like y” you know? thanks!!

hi! fair enough I know it’s late and it’s probably not like a one liner (though you’re very good at those), I guess both online and irl? obviously online like here it’s so much easier but I know you also mentioned like even from a young age people looking at you and going ??okay?? I also wanted to clarify I meant math x&y not like gendery x&y

thanks chicken!!

---

hey pal!! this is a really interesting question, and i’ll try to answer it in some way that’s kinda useful? i think a lot of it is just kinda something you have to feel out, but we’re gonna take a stab at it! more (...a lot more) under the cut:

irl: a mess. a clown show. this is mostly luck mixed with havoc? i think i lucked out body-wise and also with the fact that my parents just did not really bother with enforcing any gender stuff and i just... ended up with real ambiguous taste in everything. my friends also gave me a real ambiguous nickname, which i think helps a lot?

jhkgfsh i really feel like i don’t have good advice on this one because my answer is just “well why do you have that cursed amulet (a gender) in the first place” which probably isn’t that useful!! um um um..... maybe if you have someone you feel comfortable with, try talking it out with them to see like, how they perceive you & where you could change course?

i don’t think the clothes thing is 100% and i know you said you don’t want to feel like you’re dressing up as something else, which i totally get. at the same time, i think every outfit feels like dress up until you’ve gotten comfortable with it, and then it’s just your clothes? i think people can pick up on how confident you are, so maybe that’s still something that’s worth playing with? also people really have a... range of sensitivity to gender stuff. i’ve met some people who will just assign one and stick with it no matter what you fuckin do, and some people who will go into a tailspin over like, a little bit of nail polish or something. if you get weird reactions to any of it, it doesn’t necessarily reflect anything you’re actually doing? a lotta times it’s people just having their own wack ass journey & projecting on whoever walks past, so don’t take individual reactions too seriously?

on that front too – i think androgyny is just fuckin tough. i feel like there’s this idea that like, if you just have your presentation worked out a certain way it’s gonna work 99% of the time and you’re gonna live like an instagram model. i think in reality though like...... a ton of people out in the world just feel more comfortable if they can categorize someone in a binary way? they might pick up on little cues & it might just feel impossible to do with your body or your name or what’s in your closet, and that’s really not on you, so maybe thinking of what parts of that presentation will you happy rather than what people will vibe with is more helpful? even as someone who historically can slip through, i’ve definitely had the experience of like going out thinking that my carefully crafted Magic Girl Gender is absolutely perfect and then just talking to some rando who’s like I’m Gonna Fuck Up This Little Queer’s Whole Deal By Calling Them Sir hjkgdfshjk. it just.... is a thing that happens and i’m not sure that there’s a magic stage where it really stops. i don’t say that to scare you off at all, but just legit i wish i had some fucking warning sometimes.

also get a weird name that’s just like a noun or a random syllable. that’s my other tip. once your name is “grog (the caveperson)” you’ll definitely raise a lot of gender questions.

online: i feel like online is largely about setting boundaries, which is fun? people only have the information you give them, so you can kinda force them into confusion if that’s what brings you joy.

i reeeeeally hate the fact that people will see selfies or even just vague genderedish info about someone who’s afab or amab and be like “cool!!! got my gender answer then!!” but.... i will say that i think people do seem to enjoy categorizing that way, and there is definitely a tendency to jump to conclusions? it kind of forces people to decide between saying really limited info vs. being perceived as their gender, which absolutely fucking sucks, but i do think that just limiting what you say or post a little bit can go a long way? (i really hate giving this advice tbh because it suuucks and puts it on the person who’s having the gender vs the people making assumptions. but also you gotta live with their assumptions and i think it’s okay to decide to protect yourself a little if that feels right).

other than boundaries... idk? i think if you have experiences from like, both sides of the gender coin, i actually find it really nice to be able to just talk about whatever without censoring and giving caveats about how it’s Weird that i’ve experienced something?

i think w the boundaries you’ll probably experience pushback and people making assumptions and definitely it can feel weird to be the one person who’s withholding info in your group of friends, but i’ve also made really good friends who get it & have been really really really kind and thoughtful, so! i think it’s worth trying!!

in conclusion:

#anon #ask #i hope some of that is useful in there!! if you wanna talk more feel free to send asks or dm me or anything #i only know my experience but always happy to try to help?#gomder: it's like gender but it's bigger and its feet are webbed

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mahoushojoe · 3 years

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okay first of all: this is not me starting any kind of discourse or anything, just me talking about an issue that affects me specifically and just thinking out loud really

idk i don't like the "high school mean girl is actually a closeted wlw with internalized misogyny/homophobia" trope

bc idk i just. i don't like that shifting of responsibility, i guess? its cool when it's fictional characters but idk like. i feel like its never addressed that yes, this Meanie With Internalized Misogyny had unresolved issues that made her act the way she did, but then we never address the victims of that Meanie, and just. idk

im not saying this for any particular reason so much as a few days ago, one of the people who bullied and alienated me to the point of severe mental illness in my adolescence came out as bisexual now that she's living abroad, and made this long post about how she had so much internalized homophobia and it "infected her interactions with other women"

and it's like, okay, that's good for you, and i'm glad you're discovering that, but like...god. you are responsible for so much of MY trauma. like, i, too, am a young sapphic experiencing internalized homophobia and misogyny in a conservative society, and you traumatized me so badly that you permanently impacted my ability to trust other women. you ruined my childhood. you were responsible for a time in my life that was so bad, so intensely horrible and mentally draining, that my mind has literally blocked out parts of my memory of it as a defense mechanism. like... it's not NORMAL to take out your baggage on other people, other, more vulnerable people, like....god knows, I didn't. like...i PAID for your inner turmoil.

and obviously not everyone who was in this situation was as bad as my abuser- because really, what was going on there was just constant abuse i was forced to deal with for years- but like. idk. it's why i can sympathize with god-knows-what kind of villain but i just. cannot stomach bullies, of any kind.

i don't know where i'm going with this honestly but idk being neurodivergent and queer was something those people and that person specifically took advantage of so, so badly, and seeing them like, justify what they did to me with their own inner turmoil just made me feel. bad. in a way i'd never felt before. maybe i'll talk about it later but just. this has to be trauma because i can't talk about this person without feeling cagey and weird and i can't even like....go to bath and body works, or something else she used to like, without remembering her and feeling how gross and shameful and ugly and humiliated she used to make me feel, and i feel so angry, all the time, at all the time she and her ilk stole from me, because i was this vulnerable and earnest person that trusted them so completely, and now they've permanently impacted my ability to love but they get to go out and move to a new country and freely start a new page and i'll just never get closure. and i don't want revenge or anything, i never have, i just want someone to acknowledge that these people abused and bullied me for years and i just want to be able to permanently close the door on that trauma and finally just be able to trust again.

#tw abuse #tw bullying #personal

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adrenalinesaint · 3 years

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@corvidamned asked

1. What is your favorite trope to rp? 3. Who are your longest rp friends? 6. Name 3 things you love most about your muse/muses.

Favorite Trope

To be quite honest, I don’t know many tropes by name and never frequented the website TV Tropes, as many rpers tend to. Most of my knowledge of tropes in general comes from character archetypes and genre-specific, so I guess I can expound on those? Some, but not all, archetypes I favor include the femme fatale, the addict, the bard, the bumbling sidekick, and the bad boy. Some, but not all, genre-specific tropes I enjoy are cyberpunk corporate-owned prostheses (visa vis Major Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell -- she doesn’t own her own body, Section 9 does), and amicable conversations w the devil in southern gothic or horror.

Longest Rp Friends

This is a tough one bc I tend to disappear for months at a time. But I’d like to think these folks are still my friends.

@the-arkham-librarian @corvidamned & A couple folks who have moved on from tumblr to other sites for their rp (mostly discord).

Tho to be honest, my Very Longest Standing friendship w other rpers is my irl friends. We’ve run the gamut from Dungeons and Dragons to Uncharted Worlds and Powered by the Apocalypse. We even did a Blades in the Dark once that was pretty neat. If anyone has any recs for new ttrpgs to try out, I’m all ears. Tho keep in mind!! We play over discord, so no actual tabletops lmfao.

3 Things I love Most About my Muse(s)

I’ll relegate this answer to DC-only muses. Lmk if yall want more/others, and/or a list of muses I’ve got in this noggin of mine.

Jonathan

His addiction. I can’t quite explain why, but writing an addict makes me feel less alone. Maybe I’m addicted to some stuff in my life too. I don’t really know for sure.

His disposition. Over the years I’ve worked hard to cultivate a nuanced disposition for my Jon. He started as very gruff and standoffish, but over time I’ve come to realize that being mean doesn’t make a person scary. It’s being kind, and knowing when to take that away.

The rpc and their general reception to my Jon. Everyone has always been very welcoming and supportive. I’ve really never gotten a negative word on this blog, except for the times people have tried to cancel me for making Granny Keeney a closeted lesbian. You decide if that’s a cancellable offense. Overall, everyone is very supportive and generous.

Lindsay @bloody-merry

She was literally a throw-away character from a single comic that most people don’t even consider canon. I fucking love this. This means I get to do literally whatever I want with her. She’s essentially my OC now. Fuck off, DC, you didn’t treat her right. Let me take over.

Her overall arc so far, and what I’ve got planned for her in the future. I’ve had a lot of fun writing her as a relatively friendly and carefree young adult, and even more fun knowing that her high spirits are running on borrowed time. Know this: a day will come where Lindsay and Jonathan are indistinguishable except by gender and physical presentation. And it will hurt. A lot.

The way established rogues and heroes react to her. At first, they hear she’s the Scarecrow’s protege and think well, here comes a fight. But she’s just hyped to see real supers in person and wants a selfie. Also please don’t tell Jon. He’ll get furious if he hears she was acting buddy buddy with his nemeses.

Edward Nygma (coming soon)

Fashion. Eddie is one of my two muses who are obsessed with and adore fashion. Granted, that doen’t mean you’ll like his fashion. Au contrare, you’ll likely see him and think why is this man wearing so many prints at the same time? Well, that’s the riddle, ain’t it? It got you looking at him though. And that’s the point, moron!

My aggressively queer son. He is gnc and when asked his gender his response is a simple “Figure it out, dummy.” Don’t let the flamboyance lull you into an easy assumption that he’s strictly into men, though. And don’t let his flirtatiousness make you think he’s actually got any follow-through.

He’s Just Plain Fun. His banter and his style are just a hoot, fam. Fuck I miss this rowdy riddle boy.

#.ooc #.answered #.inbox #corvidamned

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aadyeah · 3 years

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Aadya i am very confused and I don't know what to do??? Maybe you can help give me some advice

So my friend (i am out only to her) knows that i am bisexual. So there was a chapter in one of our books that our teachers didn't teach us in school. So we read it, it was about maturing in mind and body. There was a line written in it, "it is normal to be curious and explore your sexuality". So she said that they shouldn't say this because we're too young to think about it right now as it can mess with our minds (we are 8th graders, about to be in 9th). I asked her what did she mean. She said that when someone learns about the lgbtq community they start exploring and then are pressured to think and become someone that they are not. Then it takes a lot of pain and effort to realize that you are not one of them.

These were her exact words ??? I don't know what to do. This sounds very homophobic to me. I don't know if i should say anything to her or not.. after she said this i just dropped the conversation and told her i had to go and study for the exams. Even if i confronted her, i won't know what to say...

hey nonnie

so listen, youre pretty close to your friend (as it seems) and i know how it feels when someone that close to you says negative shit about things that mean so much to you. im very sorry that you have to go through that.

shes an 8th grader, much like you, so im guessing you both are like 13 or 14, and people are dumb at this age. i was. still am. you prolly are.

she has some maturing to do because honestly, whatever she says doesnt seem genuine to me. and even if it is, its just absolutely impassive of her to say something like that to you, who is bi and closeted to everyone but her.

by saying that, she not only disrespects the community but also shows coldness towards you.

im not tryna provoke you, but there is a possibility she thinks of you in the same way as she said. and heres an advice: do not stay with people who seem homophobic.

BUT THEN AGAIN, shes 13-14, kids are dumb, shes a kid, and shes got maturing to do.

so i suggest you to talk to her about this. and confront her about whatever she meant and tell her shes wrong wherever you feel like it.

if she understands, then well and good, and if it turns out that shes not willing to change her thought process, i'd advice you to distance yourself to an extent.

[if you feel like she might threaten or reveal your sexuality to others or if she might hurt you in any way please dont go for it. your surrounding might be homophobic and things may turn super gross. your safety matters the most.]

see, your sexuality is something that only you get to bother about. and that goes for everyone. she, as a cishet person (a girl can assume), should not have an opinion over it unless its something positive.

also, her opinion over "exploring sexuality" doesnt do shit, because kids like me who have never read anything positive about different sexualities in academic papers, question it anyway. a line in a textbook doesn't do much to you being queer. people come to terms with it at their own pace and shes absolutely no one to question their pace.

and she, as a cishet person (im assuming. cishets are the usual dum dums) doesnt understand that.

had whatever she said been the case, then it should work the other way around too. the media and society pushes queer kids into thinking they're not queer. and that sucks WAYYY more than realising that a sexuality label isnt working for you.

thats it. thats all ive got. its 1:36am as im writing this, i hope youre good. best of luck.

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yikesharringrove · 4 years

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Billy gets turned into a cat because he pissed someone off. Max brings this stray to Steve's house because of Neil. Billy doing all the terrible cat things at first and not letting Steve touch him but warming up to him. Just follows Steve around, learns about them. Then he jsut does the dick cat hing to other people. Keeps sneaking into family video. The curse only breaks when Billy admits to himself how much he cares about Steve.

No monster au I guess? I honestly don’t know anymore but Billy never got possessed.

“Hey little dude.”

Steve picked up the little cat. It’s fur was thick and a light color, with big bright blue eyes.

He had found it screaming in the backyard.

It was squirming in his arms as he brought it inside.

“Where’s your home? You have no collar. You’re naked.” He put the cat down in the kitchen, opened a can of tuna for him. The cat sniffed at the tuna, tucking in to it slowly. “Naked cat, what should I name you?” Steve sang at the cat.

It turned it’s big blue eyes on him, looking at him judgmentally.

“Wow. You’re a rude naked cat.” The cat hissed at him. Steve pretended to clutch at a set of pearls, gasping dramatically. “Mind you language in my home, young man.” The cat seemed to roll his eyes at him.

He spent the night playing with the little cat, learning he was kind of an asshole, didn’t really like to play much, and would knock shit off any surface it could get to. (Which was all of them. All surfaces).

But it was nice having something to take care of, and he woke up with the little thing curled into his neck.

Billy doesn’t know what the fuck had happened.

He was standing by the Camaro, having a cigarette as Amy Whatever-her-name-is was sucking him off. He had closed her eyes, pretending the soft lips around him belonged to one Steve Harrington when she pulled off him, started yelling at him for not being into her. He had driven her home mad and told her she was a slut.

She had pointed a finger in his face, told him until he got his head out of his ass and admitted how he felt he would be stuck. He didn’t know what the fuck she was on about and told her she was a crazy bitch before peeling outta her driveway.

It was not his finest moment, and he was seething while he drove around.

He decided to take a walk, was chain smoking through Loch Nora when his vision whited out. He felt like he was hurdling through space for hours or maybe seconds before he came to his senses.

As a fucking cat.

He was outside of Steve’s house, and needed help, only to find that Steve was useless, gave him some fucking tuna and said weird shit to him.

The next day he went out for some time, coming home with cat toys, food, and a fucking litter box.

Billy was goddamn appalled.

He was expected to shit in a box and Steve was gonna clean it up.

That is not fucking happening.

He had been spending the week with Steve, had so far he had learned Steve Harrington is an adorable fucking weirdo.

He likes to sing at Billy, likes to pick him up, watch tv with the little cat curled on his chest.

He talks a lot, fills up the empty house around with sound, plays music and leaves tvs in different rooms on as he moved through them.

He would laugh at the asshole things Billy did, like pawing at the record player until it turned off when he played music Billy didn’t like.

And Billy learned that Steve didn’t sleep much. He would stay up late, lights flicked on around the house.

The first time Steve had a nightmare, Billy pawed at him, meowing as loud as he could, trying to get Steve back from whatever nightmare he was having.

Steve woke up, looking at Billy before bursting into tears, pulling the little cat close.

Billy purred loudly, trying to help, absolutely hated the way he his chest heaved, the way he curled into himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Billy purred louder, didn’t want Steve apologizing.

Steve had named the little cat Diablo.

The first few days were spent with the cat hissing and swiping at him, not letting Steve touch him and pushing expensive vases to the floor.

But the little cat seemed to warm up to him, had stopped doing little asshole things and spent most of it’s time following Steve around.

Robin came over after work one Saturday to meet the little fur ball Steve had been cooing about for weeks.

“He’s really cute, Steve.” Diablo did not like Robin, was curled in Steve’s lap, glaring at her. “Even if he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. It took him a few days to trust me.” He scratched the little cat behind it’s ears.

“Billy hasn’t been in Family Video in a few weeks.” The cat perked up at her sentence. Steve shifted it over to rub at it’s belly.

“Yeah. I know.” Diablo purred. “I don’t know what to tell you, Rob. I don’t think he feels like that about me.” Diablo twisted around, curling back into Steve’s lap, looking at him intensely, pawing at his chest.

“He flirted with you all summer at Scoops, Dingus.”

“I think he was just being an ass.”

“I know a closet case when I see one, Popeye. Hence why we’re friends.” Diablo stopped pawing at Steve, trotted to sniff at Robin’s knee, looking at her with big eyes.

“I’m not a closet case.”

“You were when we met.” Diablo swatted at her shin, staring at her. “He’s like a little person. He’s so expressive.” Diablo headbutted her knee. She smiled at him before looking back to Steve. “I mean, when I met you, you were fully lying to yourself.”

“I wasn’t really, I mean I always knew I like guys, I just never really acted on it.” Diablo came zooming back to him, batting at him, making little yowling noises.

“You didn’t let yourself act on it.”

“It just didn’t really matter. I like girls and don’t wanna get fucking killed for being a queer.” He picked up the screeching cat, holding him up to eye level. “What’s up with you? Do you hate me because you know I’m queer?” Diablo licked his nose. Steve smiled at him. “I’ll take that as a no.”

Steve Harrington liked guys, and by the sounds of it, he liked Billy.

Billy had tried to get as much info outta the two, but it was hard when he couldn’t use actual words.

He had thought Steve and Robin had been dating, had scratched at her a few times, only feeling bad when she waxed poetic about Heather Holloway, and Steve called her a useless lesbian.

But Steve was an option, if he ever figured out how in the fuck he was gonna get back to himself.

He ended up sneaking into Steve’s car when he went to work the next day, screaming at him from the backseat, making Steve jump and swerve a little, swearing as he pulled Billy into his lap.

He brought Billy into work with him, placing him in a cardboard box under the counter so he could reach down and scratch his ears.

“Why’d you bring the little demon?” Robin’s hand was rubbing at his neck.

“He snuck into my car at started fucking screaming at me.” Robin laughed.

“What a little hellbeast.”

Billy sat curled in the box, quiet as he listened to Steve work. He was asleep when the box started shifting.

“What the fuck is this cat doing here?” Billy blinked up to see Keith, Steve’s jackass boss.

“Shit, sorry Keith, He’s mine. He followed me to work today.”

“Jesus, Harrington. You can’t bring your pets in here.” He went to get Billy out of the box. Billy swiped at him, scratching his wrist. “Fuck, get your asshole cat outta here.” Steve reached in with gentle hands, picking up Billy, hissing and spitting.

“I’m sorry, Keith-”

“Just get out, Harrington. I am so fucking close to firing you.” Billy went still.

Steve rushed out to his car, placing Billy in the passenger seat as he pulled out. Billy made a little noise at him, trying to get in his lap. Steve pushed him away.

“I am hanging on by a fucking thread with Keith. You can’t do that shit.�� Billy made a sad sound. Steve sniffed.

“I just, I’m so shit at everything. Robin got me that job, and I almost ruin it all the goddamn time. It’s pretty much the best I can fucking get.” Steve let Billy slowly climb into his lap.

“And just, if I lose this job my dad’ll kick me out, and then I’m really fucked.” Billy pressed his head into Steve’s stomach, nuzzling into him. “Thanks for that. You’re kinda sweet sometimes.” Billy meowed back at him.

Steve had another nightmare that night, had curled around Billy and cried into his fur.

Billy had licked softly at his cheeks. The tears there. He wanted Steve to feel safe and happy.

These few weeks living with him, he had learned so much about Steve Harrington, learned that he was weird and sweet and lonely and sad and loud and so much more than Billy ever thought he’d be.

He had come to really care about Steve, maybe even, maybe even love him-

His vision went out again. He couldn’t feel his body anymore as his mind shorted out. His ears were buzzing when he came back to himself, breathing heavily.

“Um, what?” He turned over, saw Steve looking at him with huge eyes. “What the fuck.”

“Hey, Pretty Boy. I was the cat.” Steve shot outta bed.

“What the fuck is going on? What do you mean you were the cat? Why are you naked?” Billy looked down, putting a pillow over his dick.

“I was an asshole to this girl, and she apparently, apparently like cursed me or something, to be a cat. So I was the cat. I was Diablo.”

“And you, were you like, aware of everything that happened while you were a cat?” His face was red, no doubt thinking about all the little things he had shared about himself in the time.

“Oh yeah, Stevie. I know you pretty well now.” Steve flushed even more. “Know you have a crush on me.”

“I, I do not have a, a crush on you.” Billy raised an eyebrow.

“Would you quit lying to me if I told you I had a crush on you?” Steve opened and closed his mouth a few times.

“Uh, maybe. If you, if you said it again.”

Billy stood up, slinking towards Steve, smirking As Steve looked panicked, eyes darting anywhere that wasn’t Billy.

He pulled Steve’s hips, bringing their bodies flush together. He pressed a wet, open-mouthed kiss to his jaw.

“I’ve got a big fucking crush on you, Pretty Boy.”

Steve lunged, connecting their lips together.

“God, me too. I’m, I like you a lot.” He sighed into their kiss, his arms around Billy’s shoulders.

#yikes writes #I was gonna have a part where max is panicked looking for billy whos missing and little cat billy tries to confort her but a bitch is lazy #harringrove #steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #harringrove drabble #harringrove ficlet #harringrove fic

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astudyinfreewill · 3 years

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if it’s too broke, don’t fix it

so let’s be clear about one thing.

i will be writing fix-it content for the way supernatural ended, because guess what, honk honk!! i’m a clown 🤡 and as it turns out when you spend your formative coming-out-of-the-closet years invested in TV’s longest queerbait, it’s not so easy to just stop caring. go figure.

but i will not be writing fix-it for 15x20, for a simple reason: to me, it’s unfixable.

look. i am more or less convinced by this point - by looking at the internal narrative, the meta analyses, the reactions of the various cast and crew, and behind-the-scenes evidence compiled by fans far more dedicated and detail-oriented than i - that some executive fuckery happened to the ending. nothing else makes sense, nothing else explains an episode that surreally bad, nothing else explains why the run time was so much shorter than usual and why the pacing felt so clunky and stilted, if not last-minute cuts. so, sure. i’m on board. the network got cold feet and decided to axe whatever destiel content the writers may have worked in (probably too little and too late, but that’s by the by). i can even believe they had a hand in the disappearance of eileen - a long-standing love interest, a deaf character, and of course, most importantly, a woman, from the final two episodes, because everything has to be about the brodependency, of course, of course.

however, even if you take into account the possible/very likely “no homo” revisions, you’re still left... with the rest of the episode. you’re still left with dean winchester - a character overwhelmingly read as bisexual, an abuse survivor, the poster child for PTSD both mundane and supernatural (no pun intended)... dying young on a random hunt. and this wasn’t the result of last-minute executive meddling: this was the plan from the start of season 15, and it’s why jensen struggled so much last year with accepting the finale (rather than any ~homophobic feelings~ about 15x18, which he only got the script for a couple months in advance and was reportedly completely fine with). and sure, there’s a chance executives may have had a hand in that too, but at the moment we have no evidence to believe so.

dean started the series as a traumatized kid who’s been turned into a weapon by a physically and emotionally absent father, an unforgiving and unloving man who raised him to believe his only purpose in life was to look after his younger sibling, whether that meant saving him or killing him. dean was parentified from at least as young as the age of 8, left to do the physical and emotional labour his father should have been doing for both him and sam. dean spent much of the series borderline suicidal, believing he had no intrinsic worth beyond what he could sacrifice to keep others safe. dean spent much of the series believing he would always die young and bloody, that sam was the only one of the two of them who would get to live a full life.

and the show decided to end by confirming all of that, by killing dean off as soon as he’d finally found freedom from destiny. and not even in a blaze of glory for some higher purpose, no-- he was killed off on a random case in what i’m sure some writer felt was a delightful example of ~tragic irony~. well, guess what? i’m not laughing. you lead viewers on an emotional journey for 15 years, they’re going to want catharsis at the end. this? this was the opposite of catharsis. i don’t know if there is an opposite of catharsis, but the internet suggests defilement (probably a good enough translation of the greek miasma) and that feels about right.

and that kind of defilement doesn’t serve the story, either-- because dean spent the later seasons coming to accept that maybe he could have a happy ending, that maybe he did deserve to retire, to enjoy his life, to finally rest - and he definitely didn’t mean rest in peace. the narrative led us on this journey of seeing an abused, PTSD-crippled character start to want more for himself - only to rip all that out from under him in the name of misguided ~high stakes drama. probably because happy endings for everyone are boring and cliché’d and having a ~shocking conclusion is better than having a good conclusion (s/o GOT finale). growth? healing? coming to see yourself in a better light and demanding more for yourself? unrealistic.

well, miss me with that shit. as a bisexual person who took a long time to come to terms with my identity, as an eldest daughter, as someone who deeply believes in the narrative idea of humanity trying and trying and trying until they finally reach happiness - fucking miss me with that gratuitous tragedy shit. i want soft epilogues. i want endings tied with a ribbon. i think we - especially the queer community, especially women, especially people who’ve struggled with low self worth and mental health - deserve it by now.

so, you see, it’s not so much that i can’t write a fix-it for 15x20. in fact, it would be simple enough to do - tragedy is easy to spin into emotional content. which i promise is not a dig at people writing or enjoying that kind of content, because i’ve read some myself, and it has been excellent; more power to you all. all i’m saying is it would be easy enough to write dean getting to heaven and seeing jimmy novak castiel in that roadhouse, whether or not kansas is playing. it would be easy enough to write dean driving to cas and them meeting under a starry sky, ‘the night we met’ playing in the background as it was originally meant to in 15x20, and to imagine them having a tearful, bittersweet, at least we finally have each other reunion.

the truth is that i won’t. i refuse to. even if i believe that the writers would have given us a destiel endgame if not for executive interference - and that still remains to be definitively seen - it’s not the endgame i would have wanted. it’s not the endgame we deserve after 15 fucking years.

queer characters shouldn’t have to die for the right to be happy. we deserve a soft epilogue - and i’ll write my own, damn it.

#spn #dean winchester #meta #spn meta #spn negativity #spn finale fiasco #ambra.txt #long post

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bisluthq · 3 years

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in the last week i've seen so many ppl in their teens and early 20s talking about how following you know who affected them negatively when they were younger and idk if it was Kickstarted by ttb4 or someone else before them but its been eyeopening to see. on gaylor twitter on debunking ttbs blog and on other gaylor blogs. and imo I think this is why straight woman shouldnt be given a leader role in lgbt fandoms. they accidentally mess lgbt teens up cos they dont understand how to handle stuff pro

Yeah it’s heartbreaking. Like genuinely. I’m so sorry for every kid who has felt like they were not enough for questioning themselves and going back and forth, or for not coming out, or who second guessed if they “looked” gay in pictures if they were closeted for safety reasons. I’m also sorry to every convert who wondered if their conversion was valid, to every Jewish kid who was told if they wear a crop top or pose with a Christmas tree they are bad Jews, to every single kid whose identity was dismissed or brushed aside. I’m so, so sorry and I want to tell every single one of these young people that they are fucking valid and enough.

But this is also where we can learn a very valuable lesson about staying in our designated lanes because I don’t think TTB is a bad human being. I think she is fundamentally good - just like I think most people are fundamentally good. Like I like do poke fun at her but it’s out of frustration, not because I think she is actually evil. No person is ever truly evil, IMO. But I’m frustrated with her because people have been saying and saying and saying to her that she’s hurting them and she hasn’t fucking listened. She has talked over them and erased their experiences and... well, and that’s where we can, as I say, learn a very valuable lesson.

Because what I think happened was TTB saw two very hot women and decided they’d make a very hot couple (which... fair). It’s not like you can’t stan queer people when you’re straight. We need allies, right? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with stanning Kaylor - or some other queer couple - as a straight person. But you shouldn’t try and be the leading voice on the issue because you’re bound to get stuff wrong. And if you’re willing to learn, like, fair. If you’re genuinely just interested and wanting to hear about the person or people you love, I have no issue with that. Like every Karlie or Dianna blog I’ve ever interacted with and corrected on issues around Judaism, has been extremely cool about it. Because they love Karlie and Dianna and they want to get it right. Which like fair. You don’t need to be Jewish to fangirl over Karlie or Dianna Agron or Bar Rafaeli or whoever. But if you talk over marginalized people? Not cool.

Like there’s, as I say, a super valuable lesson here and it applies to everyone like it’s not that I’m above it. So for example I love Megan Thee Stallion. I think she’s so hot, and so fucking funny, and her music is banging, and she is so smart and witty and I like... love her. Truly. Deeply. Should I run a blog on Meg that attempts to be The Meg blog? (For the record I don’t want to be The Anything blog I’m just fucking about and having fun rn but obvi we have a Tay Swift focus - but this shouldn’t be The Taylor blog lmao because I’m a clown). The answer is a resounding no. No, I shouldn’t. Because I would get stuff wrong. Not because I’d want to. Not because I’m not an ally. I am. But I’m not a Black woman and I don’t have that experience and it would be exhausting for Black women to have to keep educating so it wouldn’t be a fair ask - even if I were to listen (which I would but it’d still be taxing af). I LOVE Elliot Page in every thing he’s ever done since Juno. I was fucking obsessed with that movie. Should I attempt to become an authority on him and his life? No because I’d get stuff wrong and it would be exhausting for trans people to keep teaching me.

Now is there anything wrong with me stanning Black women? No. Is there anything wrong with me stanning trans people? No. But should I attempt to be the loudest voice on these people? No. Because I’ll get stuff wrong. And it will, as I say, become exhausting to folks who correct me and will be harmful to young people who look to me as an authority. So it’ll become a problem. Which is what happened here, right? Like I say this is a very very valuable lesson that I hope everyone - especially my younger readers - takes away from this mess.

And honestly, again, I don’t think TTB is a bad person and I wish she would just listen to what we’re saying instead of what she wants to hear us saying. Like I wish she’d take a deep breath, listen to understand and hear and not to respond, apologize to the marginalized folks she hurt and come back and just... have fun. Yet again let me reiterate that I had nothing to do with TTB’s deletion and I didn’t ask any of these kids to come forward - but I’m so proud of them and glad they did. I think TTB is probably a lovely person and a good friend to the other hard Kays. She’s welcome to come clown 🤡 but she must first do the work.

And to do the work she must sit down and hear what people are saying. And apologize.

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 4 years

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Ok so I've read your take on the porn thing( that it doesn't matter what kind of porn u watch, if someone does something sexual u might be turned on etc etc)

So my question is how do u know if you're sexually attracted yo someone???

Like if for eg your a girl and watching lesbian porn turns u on, u say that it doesn't really conclude that she's gay or anything

And I've seen posts like sexual attraction means when like u look at someone and be like yeah I'd like to do sexual stuff with them

But i can literally say that by looking at anyone attractive regardless of their gender, but that doesn't mean i am sexually attracted to them right??

Romantically speaking , from the crushes I've had it's like you get all flustered and all idk how to explain it but I've never wanted to be physically close to them(I'm a girl my crushes were on boys) but i currently THINK i MIGHT like this girl (i don't really know for sure tho) and i want to like hug her and just be close to her both emotionally and physically; does this count as sexual attraction???

And maybe im more comfortable with girls because they've got the same parts as me and I'm just knocking it out before tryjng it for boys??

I guess every person would give you a bit of a different answer regarding what sexual attraction feels like for them. And I just want to make clear: what you like in porn ~can~ be an indicator of your actual sexual orientation. But it doesn’t have to be. And especially when we’re talking scientific studies that measure a body’s response (gential arousal, perspiration, heartrate) when a test subject is shown pornographic pictures will often show that most people will have these physical responses no matter what kind of porn they are shown - which at the end of the day only proves that visual stimuli causes a lot of human bodies to have an arousal response. Hence the statement that “just because you like gay porn doesn’t mean you’re gay”.

Now... sexual attraction often means being very drawn to a person based on their physical appearance and having a strong desire to do sexual stuff with them. Though someone’s personality can also make them seem more sexy to you than they seemed at first glance. And likewise, if someone is very good looking to you but then opens their mouth and only talks bullshit then that can quickly make them seem very unattractive. So, I wouldn’t say that sexual attraction is ~only~ about how someone looks, but it does play a large part - that’s why a lot of people have a Type aka a lot of their crushes kinda look the same or at least have some physical features in common. For example 95% of the men I am attracted to are old, small and chubby. Now, of course not every old-smol-chubby guy I see is hot in my eyes but occassionally I see one that just makes me go 👀 because he fits the bill just perfectly. That can be a fleeting moment and a guy I will forget about 30 seconds later but since at my age I know my Type really well and I can confidently say that this eyes-emoji was sexual attraction for me. But it can also get more intense, especially if I get to know the guy a bit and he turns out to be nice and charming on top of being good-looking - then I might reaaaally want to know what he looks like nakey and ask myself what he might be like in bed. And I might end up having fantasies about him.

Now, I assume you’re still young and on top of sexuality being confusing already as it is you might also just not know if you have a type yet. Which can make this seem a bit weird when people say they can just ~see someone and be immediately sexually attracted to them~. But you gotta keep in mind the complexity of that experience. I know what kinds of men I like from years of experience. Like, I know myself and my sexuality well enough by now. Which means I can pretty much tell at first glance if someone is my type or not just on a purely physical level. Their personality might end up being unattractive to me but that’s something only to be found out by getting to know someone.

Now, I guess you messaged us because you wonder if you are bi or not. What I can tell you is that most straight girls would not even question their sexuality this far. Or if they do they usually realise they are queer in some way. And even if inexperienced straight girls feel insecure about dating boys they would probably not think “well, I can just play around with girls bc that seems more comfortable” - unless they are secretly attracted to girls in some way which, again, means they aren’t really straight. You get my point?

A lot of closeted bisexuals also think that “everybody is a little attracted to their own gender, right? that doesn’t really make me bi. even straight women find other women attractive” and I can tell you: that’s not true. Straight women are not attracted to women. By definition. If a “straight” woman talks about how sexy women are and how she has “girl crushes” all the time then she is probably a closeted queer woman who might not even know it herself because of internalised biphobia.

So if you say “and I've seen posts like sexual attraction means when like u look at someone and be like yeah I'd like to do sexual stuff with them. But i can literally say that by looking at anyone attractive regardless of their gender (...)” then I’d say that sounds a lot like you are attracted to multiple genders. 🤷‍♀️ Like, “attraction regardless of gender” is literally one definition of pansexuality. If you find yourself wanting to do sexy stuff with people of more than one gender then you ain’t a heterosexual, my friend!

Maddie

#Anonymous

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jaerie · 4 years

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2019–It’s been quite a year. It went so fast, yet at the same time, I didn’t even remember some of these fics had been posted this year and not many moons before that! Thank you to everyone who read, commented, kudo’d, and supported me this year! Even the smallest things encouraged all the words in all the fics below. 😘

🎥 going live (E,15k,abo) Harry has only done this cam thing a handful of times when another camboy pops in to view his stream and unintentionally stirs things up a bit. Or Louis and Harry are both camboys for some extra cash and meet each other in an unconventional way

🧬 The Post-War BP (E,18k,abo) The eight year war has left the country's birthrate severely stunted with a lack of virile alphas left to bring it back up. To ensure the survival of the country, the government opens The Breeding Program where young omegas can apply to carry an alpha's child in exchange for benefits. Louis' family is struggling and the BP is one of the only ways to secure a roof over their heads. Harry was drafted at the age of eighteen and spent six years of his life defending a country he doesn't recognize when he returns home. The government made the bed but it's Harry that has to lie in it.

🏔 A Long Way From The Top (E,11k) Harry needed to find a purpose in life. Mount Everest wasn't the place he'd expected to find it, but he'd take what he could get. He also hadn't expected to come home with extra baggage.

🧊 Ready, baby? (E,1k) Harry gets an earring. Louis is the one to do it. Or a pain kink drabble.

🎒 whoops (M,1k) Louis was just trying to get revenge on Niall for the prank he pulled a few months ago. He didn't mean to find himself trapped in the closet while Niall's roommate, Harry, decides it's a self-love kind of night.

🍼 freaks from the internet (E,3k) Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex.

👭 Sisterwives (E,33k,abo) This was it, the moment Louis had been waiting for his entire life. Giddy excitement bubbled up as he held hands and stared up at his soon-to-be alpha and husband and grinned. The ceremony was small and simple, but Louis didn’t mind. Fresh flowers pinned into his hair and a brand new outfit was all he needed to feel special in front of their few witnesses. It was just some members of his family and a few of the church elders in attendance as was customary for any marriage beyond the first wife within the faith. First wives were the ones to have elaborate weddings with the whole community involved. An alpha’s first wedding was a celebration of an their coming of age, his first steps into fulfilling God’s prophecy. There were many glories for an omega that came with being a first wife but also many responsibilities. Louis had never aspired to be a first wife or even a second. He wasn’t experienced enough to be the leader of an alpha’s many wives and children and he didn’t think he’d be up to the task. Louis was just fine in the position he was stepping into as the seventh. Or Louis thinks he's getting everything he's ever dreamed of. Harry helps him find what makes him truly happy.

🤱🏻 Challenging Nature: A Look Into Male Lactation (E,11k) Even taking into account all the bizarre things Harry has subjected himself to in the past for the sake of an article, Harry has received his strangest assignment yet. It comes up as a random misunderstanding in a meeting and builds into a conversation — can men breastfeed? Internet searches reveal documented cases of male lactation popping up at different times throughout history, but are any of them true? Can a man will himself into lactating? Harry has two months to make it happen.

🤏🏼 tiny exaggeration (E,4k,abo) Louis is frustrated that they've been dating for months and still haven't taken their relationship to the next level. Sometimes the foolishness of the past lingers in the present. Louis wants that to change.

👶🏼 The Time Is Now (M,1k) Louis is mid-one night stand when he finds out he's going to be an uncle in a matter of minutes.

🏨 100ft Away (E,2.5k) Harry opens Grindr for a hookup and ends up with more than he bargained for. It all works out in the end.

👽 enough tin foil for the apocalypse (G,1k) Louis comes home to a tin foil covered house and his boyfriend's secrets

🎵 Everything I need I get from you (M,10k,abo) In a world where music and sound are just as vital to health as food, Harry is stuck in a town that thinks professional music is a scam and a relationship he never wanted. One chance event changes his life.

🎶 Restless Lane (E,15k,abo) Louis had grown used to his boring life back in Mississippi as a stand-in father figure to his siblings. He never expected his childhood friend to show up on his lawn with the heat of summer or that he would remind Louis how much of himself he'd tucked away and neglected. He also never expected to find himself caught up in a tangled web of feelings or secrets that just might break him. Maybe he had never known Harry at all.

🏋🏻 you got what i need (E,3k) Harry loves his husband Louis, but his personal trainer Liam just gives him something he needs to start his day. Turns out Louis needs the same thing. Oddly enough, they get it from the same source.

🍆 the appointment (M,1k) Louis convinces Harry to make an appointment at a classy brothel. His appointment is with someone named Liam.

⚓️ Into Always (E,4k,abo) Harry finds his ex's knotting dildo and gets a little curious. Louis is more than willing to help out.

🍑 just remember that you did this (E,1.5k) Louis' heat inconveniently hits him at the beginning of his beach vacation. Harry volunteers to help him out but doesn't exactly tell Louis everything.

🐭 Cat & Mouse (E,2k) It's the one day out of the year that Harry doesn't have to hide and can be himself — at least he thought so. Louis is just a little more observant than he anticipated.

🔪 Tonight's the Night (E,21k) Tonight’s the night. The night Harry has been waiting for. Everything has been carefully planned, nothing left to chance, the scene set and waiting for their arrival. It’s time. Harry lives a double life. During the day he's Harry- trusty blood spatter analyst, at night his darkness comes out to play. So far he's been able to act his way through a normal life without drawing attention. What happens when that is no longer the case? Or a Dexter AU where Harry is Dexter, Liam is Doakes, Niall is Masuka and Gemma is Deb.

🏠 I Think You're Already Home (E,38k,abo) Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. He can't even remember the last time just standing at an open door didn't send him into a debilitating panic attack. But, against his friend's advice, Louis is ready to add meaning to his life again. He's ready to start a family. So what if he doesn't have an omega? There are plenty of surrogacy services just waiting to help the rich and famous become parents. He just has to find the right one for the job.

🎄 Pretty, Pretty Lights (E,3k,abo) It's the first time Harry and Louis have been home for Christmas together since their parents got married. More importantly, it's the first time they've been home together since they'd presented. They meet up under the glowing lights of the Christmas tree.

👠 High Heels, Red Dress (E,15k) Louis answers the call when Pearl Harbor is attacked and there is no way around it. The United States is at war. Hiding his queer identity isn't so hard until he attracts the attention of a particular soldier. It's all lies and secrets until the war is finally over. Maybe then Louis can finally have his happy ending. It's up to fate to decide.

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