#as my tyrant of a literature teacher once said

[firewoodfigs]

of louche hair and gauche boys

at fifteen all we wanted was to be pretty, to be adored  with our short skirts, cropped shirts  soft laughter and even softer whispers — as if none of our opinions mattered.  we’d paint our nails, scrub ourselves  clean and white, gleaming white like a brand new set of veneers,  artificial and ready-to-go  for boys made of pure filth; dye our hair brown and bronze,  chestnut and hazel and almond (god, we must’ve been nuts!) — so many different tones till we were  richer than an entire forest itself. 

too rich, perhaps, for the boys with sun-kissed skin and wind-mussed hair,  eyes crinkling like paper  whenever they smiled.  i’d smile back and rein myself in as one reins an unruly horse venturing into the vast wilderness; take my positions as i should, stand beside you like a trophy  as i hid my own, like muted gold. 

for you i became a slab of bronze,  shushing my valors and vanities in order to not outshine you.  to be loved, seen and heard,  i must neither speak nor stand.  instead I must sit still, quiet as you ramble on about your grand ambitions in nothing but  aspirational terms, empty as a tree’s hollow cavity.

funny how I clung on to your every word as if it were a gospel truth  — you? oh, how wretched, how terribly wicked! you’re the furthest thing from God himself. here is my curse. may you never escape  from the endless, burning pit in my chest  — this is your eternal damnation. 

#poetry #still trying to do the one poem a week thing :) #going well so far!!! #I mean #not sure about the quality of this #but it's there... a thing #LOLOL #I think I want this anthology to revolve around the concept of fading adolescence #because in this phase of life it does feel like I'm kind of bidding my youth farewell #not entirely a bad thing tho #work has been okay so far and I am thankful to be here #even if tired and cranky because period cramps LMAO #ok anyway this is like my pent up rage #from all the stupid boys who broke my friends' hearts #truly stupid boys like #u do not cross me n get away with it #man if beating people up wasn't a crime I would've beat em all up LOL #also one thing I've learnt from past relationships is #to not be together with someone who's intimidated by your success or achievements #as my tyrant of a literature teacher once said #I'm not going to stoop down to your level #YOU level up #like I mean cmon if ur scared then just... get better #or like just y'know cut yourself from society's silly expectations and impositions #who even says that men have to be better than women blablabla #lame #I could go on forever about this but alas it is midnight and I must go to bed #goodnight folks HAAHAHA #RMB TO LOVE YOURSELVES I LOVE YALL

[awesomegaydar-a]

meta: santana + school/academics

always  accepting  //  send  me  meta  to  talk  about !

again,  talking about a topic that glee unfortunate never tackled correctly is difficult . in the show, they make santana seem more driven towards her future as a hollywood star than in her academic performance , however contradictory her approach towards both ends of the career spectrum was. in 3x12 the spanish teacher, santana is very clear to will about her view of her academic life: “this is my education and its not a joke to me although it seems to be one for you”, before she criticizes him for perpetuating stereotypes not actually knowing enough spanish to teach a class properly. later, in 3x16, schue and sue team up to lead santana, mercedes, and finn in the right direction. santana makes her peers believe that she “wants to be a star” and doesn’t wanna go to college, though later she receives an acceptance letter to the university of kentucky with a cheerleading scholarship. she’s happy to accept, naturally.

unfortunately, this blog is canon divergent, and as someone who has played santana for so long, i refuse to believe she’s anything but ambitious and fierce. that girl always has a plan. if she can craft schemes with multiple steps, angles, and possible outcomes to mess with the heads of her peers, she definitely has a plan to get out of lima, and its not just an envelope full of cash her mother could’ve used to buy a lexus convertible.

one : general  academics

no one’s academic performance except mike and quinn’s are really talked about in depth in the show. we know mike is an A+ student and quinn has a 4.0 GPA, but what about santana? clearly she needs at least a B average to be in the cheerios, especially captain of the cheer leading squad. though, i’m not gonna pander to my preferences and say santana was top of her class, i will say she was probably somewhere in the top five, perhaps third, after mike or quinn. she’s smart, she’s cunning, she goes after what she wants, and she’s always known that her best bet to get out of lima is her education.

she was always good at almost everything, she liked to read (though not always things from her high school reading list), but like any other high school student, she excelled in some areas and struggled in others.

math was her strong suit. she was taking advanced math classes with mike and quinn since the 10th grade. it always came easy to her. literature, she enjoyed, so it wasn’t hard for her, it came naturally. in the sciences, it would depend on the subject in hand. physics she could handle, it was just a bunch of math applied in a different field. chemistry and biology were a little harder, probably because of her general disinterest in the subject. her dad always encouraged her to like science, it was only natural from a father who practiced medicine for a living, but it was never her forte. she got A’s, but she only took honors physics and settled for regular chemistry and biology classes.

spanish classes were a joke. she could sleep through mr. schuester trying to conjugate verbs and form sentences, she knew more spanish than him anyway. she never had to study for that class. it was the easiest A+ she ever received in high school. if she could’ve taken advanced spanish classes in william mckinley, she probably would have, just to boost her GPA.

the times she didn’t study (like when she stayed up past curfew after attending a party or school events, or putting cheerleading competitions over her tests) she would get B’s. she wasn’t a perfect student, no. not pristine like quinn, who probably got A’s in everything she ever did, but she was good. smart. thriving.

two : extracurricular  activities

in primary school and middle school it was ballet and gymnastics. it was fine to play soccer when she was a little girl, because when children are young they don’t make fun of each other for the sports they play. she kicked ass at it, but never wanted to be a varsity soccer player. she wanted kickboxing, but her dad never offered to enroll her in a martial arts class until she was already signed up for the cheerios, at which point, she was far too busy running drills in cheer camp to care about it anymore. besides, cheer leading was as good as any other sport, sometimes even more exhausting.

it wasn’t just about core strength (holding the other team members up in a lift) or balance (trying not to fall from the top of the cheer pyramid), it was about flexibility and mobility, about committing to something that would not only bring her the popularity she wanted, but being a part of something, even if it meant serving the tyrant sue sylvester. the fact that she was never clumsy also helped. it was almost like gymnastics with the volume turned up.

glee club didn’t come until sophomore year, obviously. she never thought about joining it, especially not with sandy ryerson as the vocal coach, who not only was a little too touchy and inappropriate with the students, but he always smelled like pot and was never interested in the club in the first place. she’s pretty sure puck used to get his chronic lady from him under the bleachers once a week. he never said anything when he found them sharing a pipe after hours, and she never said anything about him selling medicinal marijuana to the students, but it wasn’t a surprise when he was fired either. he was weird and glee club was for losers, burnouts, and wannabes, and santana was on top of the social food chain.

during her senior year, she contemplated starting a GSA, knowing her fellow glee clubbers and some of the cheerios would be down for joining, but putting that amount of pressure on herself withdrew her from trying to take that huge step. brittany was president, which was a step in the right direction, but knowing the town they lived in and the school she went to, there was no way a gay straight alliance was gonna fly in mckinley.

three : college  applications, requirements, and  college  life

santana has always wanted to be powerful, she likes the spotlight and she likes the attention. most importantly, she wanted to go somewhere in life, she wanted to prove to everybody that she wasn’t all bark and no bite. she applied for three universities to enroll in the fall after her senior year: cornell, nyu, and pace university (her safety school). she thought about checking out west, ucla and san diego, but ultimately she saw a brighter future in new york than she did in california. what really wowed was her essay, on a life changing experience -- she poured her soul and heart into talking about coming out in a midwestern town with the pressure of being socially accepted among homophobes and racists. she talked about glee club, and how it changed her life (that would also cater to show her other talents apart from her good grades), how she became a better person because of it. of course, a 1950 on her SAT’s and a 3.9 GPA never hurt anyone.

college was always a big thing in her family -- her dad was a stanford graduate, and although realistically, doctor lopez would’ve loved for santana to pursue med school as well, santana never saw her future behind the boring, white walls of a hospital. she wanted to live, and sacrificing her life for the sleepless hours of med school and internships and residencies would never fulfill her. she took the public relations program as her major with a minor in communications to become a publicist and crisis manager.

despite the amount of time it required for her to graduate top of her class, she took a small job on the side, singing in lounge bars and weddings to pay for extra commodities aside from the money her dad sent her every month to cover rent and general expenses.

#♫| LEGEND HAS IT THAT WHEN I CAME OUT OF MY MOTHER I TOLD THE NURSE SHE WAS FAT (about) #♫| I KEEP IT REAL & I'M HILARIOUS (memes) #headcanon tag later #this literally is content of yEARS of playing santana and deciding where her main verse was going and yes its canon divergent #bc i refuse to accept she went to kentucky to cheer eye roll