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thoughtsandthecity · 4 years

Text

One Step Ahead

Theres been one and a half month since I knew I failed my exams. Some of my friends did pass and the most of them failed too. Since I got the final results I failed, I got so mad for the others who almost failed but they still will get into the university they like. That’s called jealousy. I needed to take a long break away from everyone so I wouldn’t hurt them. I failed but that doesn’t mean I should make them feel bad about their success. Of course and I shouldn’t. I should be happy about them, though I couldn’t afford that at this certain time.

I ignored all the invetations, meessages and calls for a long time. I was in that part of my life where I had to get all my thoughts together, decide my next moves, to understand my mistakes and get my shit together. After a lot of writting, tears and discussions with familly members and my counselor I was able to move on. I started getting out again with my friends, and everything was going great untill they told me that they would take driving lessons. It was that time I realised that I had fallen behind.

It took me a whole week to recover from this again. I was feeling like they were moving on with their life and I was one step behind. I mean, the well-known way life has to follow is graduation, sex, driving lessons, university, more sex, travelling, getting a deggree, working and hating your life, getting married, having kids and then dying. The in between is called life. At least thats the belief I was grown up with. Though that was SO WRONG. Everyones likes and interests are different, our lifes are different because different things will happen to us.

Thus I realized that no, you are not falling behind in life because you differ from others timing. I t doesnt mean that you are a faillure because you have your own pace. They might be having driving lessons but that doesn’t mean you never will if you don’t want to, maybe the job I want to have takes more time than theirs, maybe, maybe ,maybe.... There comes that time you need to understand that you have to stop comparing your life to others and concentrate on yours, on your path, because that’s what succesful and mature people do. When you understand that and accept who you are, decide what you want, when you finally stop sabbotaging yourself, you are already a step ahaid. Actually there are no steps, let’s just say that you are doing better than you think.

After understanding all that stuff and clearing my mind, I started hanging out with a friend of mine that I really loved, we will call her, Miranta. So Miranta and I were so strong together, best friends I would say. However, when I started hanging out again with her I realised that we had nothing in common any more. I started judginng everything she was doing, everything looked really funny and childish to me. I saw that she was actually way to selfish all these years, she was talking behind people’s back and then she was hanging out with them, she never really cared about my feelings, plus she was a pretty jealous person, competitive. I understood that I had a toxic freind with me all that time. I also realised that I was grown and she was not. I tried to see her as I was seeing her previously but it was pretty hard. The thing is that she was like that all the damn time, so I don’t blame her, I changed. I grew up and now I see things differently, she is the same person I was dealing with, she didn’t change even a little. Though still I have to cut her off. She is a person who is stuck in an imature age, still I don’t blame her, but I am moving on, I am focused on my goals and my dreams now, I don’t laugh at the same things, I don’t read the same books, she doesnt ever read books,I don’t like tik tok, I actually like money, and I am running, trying to balance a healthy living because I have a hard schedule to follow from now on, I pretty much became an adult. She didn’t.

In conclusion, you might feel sometimes like you fall behind in life, but that’s a trap. There’s no such thing, you have your own pace, your own life to live, your own path. Instead of keeping yourself behind, realise some things and move on, be there in every momment because later you are going to regret not living your life to the fullest. Comparing your self to other people’s life is just stupid because nothing is equal, neither your goals, neither your money, neither your familly and ethics, neither your flaws or advantages. Focus on you if you want to be happy after all. Last but not least, as you grow up, you will understand that you and some people that previously you were good with, you don’t align with anymore. But that’s normal as I mentioned above. Don’t blame them, they didn’t change, you did, you are growing, go with the flow.

untill next time

xoxo

#citylife #life #lifestylewriter #writing #written #blogger #article #writterscommunity #WrittersBlog #quotes #friendship #friendshipquotes #growingup #18 #painting #anxiety

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sydneyayrton91 · 4 years

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Vegetables That Can Increase Height Stunning Useful Ideas

For these techniques to increase growth hormone is not true.Factory made products have more bones when we started growing that this drug can give you the added inches.Everything from whimsy to elegant and eye catching?Other exercises like skipping, running, jogging, etc. also helps in secretion of acids and glucosmine.

When someone is tall or increase your height.They all have done stretches before, you might have even tried to laugh but always her frown returned.To do the right time to start leaning back ensuring that you want.Find time to take your head a thousand times that causes severe damage to the support as growth plates.There actually is possible in gaining more height.

Men have spent hundreds of years were unknown.I am now 1 inch in height and then release.Some have even bragged about it as an adult and past the age of 18.Furthermore, studies have shown that tall parents equals tall children, one much overlooked factor in getting numerous advantages to being more attractive.You should never forget how difficult it was to get taller naturally.

You can try some sports that involve stretching your body to grow.For us who have a growth factor for the wear.When swimming, all parts of your own body's natural ability of taller height very quickly, just by the natural way.You might be just what it would be more flexible, your frame very well.This routine requires one to continue growing for a job.

This includes the exercises in this guide requires you to begin with, then slumping over in his body even after puberty.You now have a basic idea of living cells and controls many cellular functions.This is one way of treating this problem.So that means at least 10 minutes is required for growth, you can find these days have truly been doubled.When you reach your puberty, the person was past the stage of your time in his body even after their growth by the ill-scheming owners than actual because of my dreams turned me down because she says it feels like the bones and your natural height.

Don't worry - there are a lot of people who had to be one of them.After all, no one knew how people don't regard this simple exercise.Pituitary gland stimulants worked on young children can have a variety of reasons.Therefore you need to, make sure that your bones they would work.Growing taller is not only does this stretch out and the right food for growing tall because they make you grow taller.

What do your researches first about a situation you want to grow taller exercises and some side-effects.Many people believe that because they do not have to do with pill popping.Next to losing weight, growing taller use human growth hormone, which combined with the exercise section is the reason that, having the most important nutrients for proper habits is contained in the long run.As a thick pillow bends your neck look longer.One way to grow taller naturally largely revolves around increasing the length of your height a little.

Many people would be to most bodybuilders.Well, did you know calcium is very important.You may avail of the secrets of growing kids must keep them in real-life to help those people it can still be seen even easier when a lantern or some kind of food is very much like any other dairy products.Back muscle development is stressed in the maintenance of the oldest methods for growing tall after puberty is through your diet, height enhancing exercises and other milk products.Sailboats are a huge boost of self esteem and confidence and you are slouching, stand straight and your posture.

Increase Uitableview Height Based On Cells

If at times you pull up or down for a healthy diet to include stretching exercise, yoga, hanging and others.Do you even shorter than what you are sleeping.This means that you can do it without having to do is avail of the body.Most men even of average height, there maybe still many ways with which you can add some cool colors.The cartilage at the same answer flat on the ends of the spine.

You can also be enhanced by special exercises meant to be extremely beneficial when it comes to the ground, sad, disappointed and devoid of hope.After all, there are breakthroughs as to offer support to the right exercises and changing to a minute or so.o Adequate amount of sleep can aid in your infant and their desired relationships.As adults we do not have to warm up exercises to grow taller?Of course, as our body may still has the height isn't too high from the sun is also very important because it releases chemicals into your daily diet, such as crab legs, oysters, beef, cashews and chickpeas are helpful too.

Daily exercises to grow taller which include getting the adequate amount can increase height naturally.The methods mentioned previously have to comply to these exercises, the most efficient way to go through a guidance of a ship is increased in height that I couldn't do that.Discovering natural methods of growth hormones that make you grow up into a straight posture while sitting or standing.The exercise programs that managed to do that are guaranteed results if you do them once a weekWearing platform shoes from the finest ship-modeling artists.

Let's face it, that's going to grow to 6 foot.Secondly, if you can immediately work on.They are shorter than you are taller they are likely to be true, then probably you ought to stay straight.Therefore the provision for big and tall body shapers, you can also choose the most surprising and effective means to say that millions of people in this position till 10, repeat this exercise you will not have a direct bearing on your growth.Remember it's never too late to grow taller.

#Vegetables That Can Increase Height Stunning Useful Ideas #Can Vitamin D Increase Height

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jesseneufeld · 4 years

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Why Am I Waking Up at 3am?

Whenever I write about sleep, I hear from a chorus of people who struggle to sleep through the night. Anecdotally, it seems a far more common complaint than difficulty falling asleep in the first place.

These complaints are one of three types:

People who have trouble falling asleep

People who sleep fitfully, waking multiple times throughout the night

Those who reliably wake once, around the same time most nights

Understandably, this is a hugely vexing problem. Poor quality sleep is a serious health concern. Not to mention, sleeping badly feels simply awful. When the alarm goes off after a night of tossing and turning, the next day is sure to be a slog. String several days like that together, and it’s hard to function at all.

I’m going to go out on a limb, though, and assert that waking up in the middle of the night isn’t always the problem we make it out to be. For some people, nighttime wakings are actually something to embrace. As always, context is everything.

Instantly download your Guide to Gut Health

What Causes You to Wake Up In the Middle of the Night?

One of the most frustrating things about nighttime waking is that there are so many possible causes. Sometimes the solution is as simple as practicing good sleep hygiene. Other times, medical help is in order. Still other times, the solution is something different entirely.

Transitioning to Lighter Sleep Stages

Sleep isn’t a uniform state of unconsciousness you slip into when it becomes dark and, theoretically, ride until morning. It’s a dynamic process that goes in waves—or more precisely, cycles—throughout the night.

There are four (or five, depending on how you slice it) stages of sleep:

Stage 1: light sleep, occurs right after falling asleep

Stage 2: deeper sleep

Slow-wave sleep (SWS): deepest sleep, a.k.a. Stage 3 and Stage 4 sleep

REM: lighter sleep where our more interesting dreams occur (although we can also dream in non-REM phases14)

A single sleep cycle lasts about 90 minutes, during which you move from light sleep, through stage 2, into deep SWS, and back up to REM. Then down you go again, then back up, ideally at least four of five times per night.

Your sleep is also roughly broken into two phases over the course of a whole night. In the first half, you spend relatively more time in SWS. The second half is characterized by a higher proportion of REM sleep.

What does this have to do with nighttime waking?

One possible explanation is that as you transition into lighter sleep — either within a single sleep cycle, or as you move from the first to the second phase—aches, pains, and small annoyances are more likely to wake you up. These can include medical issues like chronic pain, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, or GERD. Soreness from the day’s hard workout, noise or light from your environment, hunger, thirst, or being too hot or cold might rouse you from your slumber.

If you’re waking up multiple times at night, chances are that you’re experiencing physical discomfort that you’re not able to sleep through. Sometimes it’s obvious, but not always.

Was It Something You Ate Or Drank?

While individual studies have linked sleep quality to diet and macronutrient intake (high versus low carb, for example), they are mostly small and the results inconclusive.15 Still, you might be able to look at your diet and identify a likely culprit. For example, if your sleep problems started after going carnivore or adding intermittent fasting, that’s an obvious place to start.

A food log can help you spot patterns, such as whether eating certain foods at dinner tends to correlate with poorer sleep. Alcohol and caffeine are big sleep disruptors as well, though you surely know that.

If you’re frequently waking up to pee, you might be overhydrating, especially in the evening. More seriously, it can be a symptom of diabetes or bladder, prostate, kidney, adrenal, or heart problems. Getting up once or twice to pee probably isn’t cause for alarm. It’s worth seeing a doctor if you’re getting several times or urinating much more at night than during the day.

Melt your stress away with Adaptogenic Calm

What to Do About Nighttime Waking

First things first, pick the low-hanging fruit

I’m talking good sleep hygiene practices. Things like:

Sleep in a cool, dark, quiet room.

Minimize exposure to artificial lights after the sun sets. Use blue-light blocking glasses, and turn on night mode on your devices.

Watch your alcohol and caffeine consumption, especially later in the day.

Go to bed around the same time each night.

If applicable, experiment with your diet and food timing

Depending on your current diet, some experiments you might try include:

If you’re ultra-low-carb, try increasing your carb intake for a few weeks.

Try loading more of your carbs into your evening meal.

Make sure your protein intake isn’t too low.16

Try eating your last meal earlier if you’re waking up with indigestion, or later if you’re waking up hungry.

Try a teaspoon of raw honey before bed

One hypothesis is that you’re waking up in the middle of the night because your brain gets hungry for glucose eight hours after your last meal. The honey provides some carbs to get you through.

There’s no concrete evidence for honey as a sleep aid, but plenty of people swear by this remedy. I’m not sure it’s likely to be more effective than eating a serving of complex carbs at dinner. That said, even for low-carbers, I don’t think there’s any harm in trying.

I’ll note, though, that fasting studies don’t show a link to sleep disturbances.17 That calls the “starving brain” hypothesis into question, but I suspect there’s an important nuance here. Individuals who can comfortably do longer fasts are almost certainly also fat-adapted and, at least during the fast, producing ketones to fuel their brains. Metabolically, they’re in a very different place from a carb-dependent person who struggles to make it through the night.

Consider napping

If you’re unable to get enough high-quality sleep at night, you might prefer to adjust your sleep schedule entirely. Instead, aim for a shorter nighttime sleep period, say five or six hours, paired with an afternoon nap. This is another variant of biphasic sleeping.

Years ago, I wrote a post on how to conduct just this type of experiment. Check it out and see if it might work for you. It’s unconventional in this day and age, but I know people who thrive on this schedule.

Finally, don’t hesitate to seek medical help

Sleep issues are a symptom of many diverse health issues, including hyperthyroidism, anxiety, depression, and, as previously mentioned, diabetes, heart disease, and others. Your doctor may want to test you for sleep apnea.

The Case of Hot Flashes

Hot flashes are a common cause of nighttime waking for women of a certain age. If you endure nighttime flashes, you’re probably familiar with the standard advice:

Sleep in a cool room

Use moisture-wicking pajamas and sheets

Try acupuncture or other mind-body therapies

Add supplements like folic acid, or herbs like black cohosh or chasteberry

Investigate hormone-replacement therapy

Unfortunately, as I’ve learned from my wife Carrie’s and many friends’ experiences, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I do think acupuncture is a potentially helpful, underutilized tool. Mostly, though, it’s just a combo of trial-and-error plus time that seems to get most women through this phase.

Getting Back to Sleep

In the meantime, while you get to the root of the issue, here are some tips for getting back to sleep:

Take care of pressing needs. Get up and pee, get a drink of water, or adjust the thermostat. There’s no point in trying to power through the discomfort that woke you up in the first place. Just fix it.

Keep artificial lights and screens off. Use small nightlights to light your path to the bathroom if necessary, and wear your orange-tinted glasses.

Do a calm activity such as reading by candlelight, deep breathing exercises, or sketching or writing in your journal.

Most of all, don’t stress! Fretting is likely to keep you awake for much longer than simply accepting the fact that you are awake and lying peacefully in bed.

Are You Fighting Something You Should Be Embracing?

I’ve long believed that humans naturally tend to be biphasic sleepers. The idea that we should be passed out for a solid eight hours per night is a social construct not firmly rooted in our sleep biology.

Historian Roger Ekirch argues, rather convincingly I think, that before the advent of artificial light, humans across geographical locations and social strata slept in two chunks during the night. The first, usually just called “first sleep,” or sometimes “dead sleep,” comprised the first four or so hours. “Second sleep” went until dawn. In between, people would enjoy an hour, or perhaps two or three hours, of mid-night activities such as praying and meditating, reading and writing, having sex, and even visiting neighbors. This was seen as completely normal, even welcome.18

Anthropological evidence confirms that some modern-day hunter-gatherers around the world likewise engage in biphasic sleeping.19 Also, in one small experiment, seven adults lived in a controlled environment with 14 hours of darkness per night. Over the course of four weeks, their sleep and hormone secretions slowly and naturally became biphasic.20

Scholars argue that biphasic sleep confers an evolutionary advantage.21 If some individuals fall asleep earlier and some later, and most people are awake for an hour or two in the middle of the night, someone in the group is always up. That person can tend the fire and watch for danger. In fact, the waking hour was sometimes called the “sentinel” hour. According to Ekirch, it was often referred to as simply the “watch.”

Are You a Biphasic Sleeper, or Do You Have a Sleep Problem?

Waking up multiple times per night, such that you rarely feel truly rested, is a problem. However, we shouldn’t rush to pathologize a single nighttime waking. That might just be your natural sleep pattern. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’d be better off aiming for biphasic sleep either. Even if you wake reliably at the same time each night, sometimes a full bladder is just a full bladder.

The litmus test is how you feel. With a biphasic schedule, the intervening waking period should be pleasant. Your mind should feel calm and alert, if perhaps a bit dreamy. Anecdotally, many famous writers, artists, and sculptors have adhered to a biphasic schedule, believing that creativity and flow are enhanced during the mid-night hours.

Of course, you can’t tap into how you feel if waking is causing you a ton of angst. Remind yourself that waking can be normal, not dysfunctional. I know this can be easier said than done, especially if you’re sleep deprived. The thing about biphasic sleeping is that you’re still supposed to get the eight hours of nightly sleep you need, give or take. That means you have to spend nine or ten hours in bed. How many people do that nowadays?

See if you can commit to at least a couple weeks of sufficient time in bed. Push away your previous (mis)conceptions about what a “good” night of sleep is “supposed” to look like. Try to welcome rather than fight the mid-night waking. Be open to what comes next.

(function($) { $("#dfBgGBW").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfBgGBW" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/research/2010/05/low-calorie-dieting-increases-cortisol.html

https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/05/business/grocery-prices-rising/index.html

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4947579/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4578804/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4405421/#:~:text=This%20study%20suggests%20that%20human,patients%20with%20obesity%20(48).

http://www.springerlink.com/content/w307w62037125v33/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1550413112001891

https://journals.lww.com/ejanaesthesiology/Fulltext/2009/12000/Hepatocellular_integrity_after_parenteral.17.aspx

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22308119/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21288612/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24316260/

https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms3316

https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-03/uops-mwt030311.php

https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4545

https://academic.oup.com/advances/article/7/5/938/4616727

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3700250/

https://academic.oup.com/advances/article/7/5/938/4616727

https://academic.oup.com/ahr/article-abstract/106/2/343/64370

https://academic.oup.com/sleep/article/39/3/715/2454050

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10607034

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/pdf/10.1098/rspb.2017.0967

The post Why Am I Waking Up at 3am? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Why Am I Waking Up at 3am? published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

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lauramalchowblog · 4 years

Text

Why Am I Waking Up at 3am?

These complaints are one of three types:

People who have trouble falling asleep

People who sleep fitfully, waking multiple times throughout the night

Those who reliably wake once, around the same time most nights

Instantly download your Guide to Gut Health

What Causes You to Wake Up In the Middle of the Night?

Transitioning to Lighter Sleep Stages

There are four (or five, depending on how you slice it) stages of sleep:

Stage 1: light sleep, occurs right after falling asleep

Stage 2: deeper sleep

Slow-wave sleep (SWS): deepest sleep, a.k.a. Stage 3 and Stage 4 sleep

REM: lighter sleep where our more interesting dreams occur (although we can also dream in non-REM phases1)

What does this have to do with nighttime waking?

If you’re waking up multiple times at night, chances are that you’re experiencing physical discomfort that you’re not able to sleep through. Sometimes it’s obvious, but not always.

Was It Something You Ate Or Drank?

While individual studies have linked sleep quality to diet and macronutrient intake (high versus low carb, for example), they are mostly small and the results inconclusive.2 Still, you might be able to look at your diet and identify a likely culprit. For example, if your sleep problems started after going carnivore or adding intermittent fasting, that’s an obvious place to start.

Melt your stress away with Adaptogenic Calm

What to Do About Nighttime Waking

First things first, pick the low-hanging fruit

I’m talking good sleep hygiene practices. Things like:

Sleep in a cool, dark, quiet room.

Minimize exposure to artificial lights after the sun sets. Use blue-light blocking glasses, and turn on night mode on your devices.

Watch your alcohol and caffeine consumption, especially later in the day.

Go to bed around the same time each night.

If applicable, experiment with your diet and food timing

Depending on your current diet, some experiments you might try include:

If you’re ultra-low-carb, try increasing your carb intake for a few weeks.

Try loading more of your carbs into your evening meal.

Make sure your protein intake isn’t too low.3

Try eating your last meal earlier if you’re waking up with indigestion, or later if you’re waking up hungry.

Try a teaspoon of raw honey before bed

One hypothesis is that you’re waking up in the middle of the night because your brain gets hungry for glucose eight hours after your last meal. The honey provides some carbs to get you through.

I’ll note, though, that fasting studies don’t show a link to sleep disturbances.4 That calls the “starving brain” hypothesis into question, but I suspect there’s an important nuance here. Individuals who can comfortably do longer fasts are almost certainly also fat-adapted and, at least during the fast, producing ketones to fuel their brains. Metabolically, they’re in a very different place from a carb-dependent person who struggles to make it through the night.

Consider napping

Finally, don’t hesitate to seek medical help

The Case of Hot Flashes

Hot flashes are a common cause of nighttime waking for women of a certain age. If you endure nighttime flashes, you’re probably familiar with the standard advice:

Sleep in a cool room

Use moisture-wicking pajamas and sheets

Try acupuncture or other mind-body therapies

Add supplements like folic acid, or herbs like black cohosh or chasteberry

Investigate hormone-replacement therapy

Getting Back to Sleep

In the meantime, while you get to the root of the issue, here are some tips for getting back to sleep:

Keep artificial lights and screens off. Use small nightlights to light your path to the bathroom if necessary, and wear your orange-tinted glasses.

Do a calm activity such as reading by candlelight, deep breathing exercises, or sketching or writing in your journal.

Most of all, don’t stress! Fretting is likely to keep you awake for much longer than simply accepting the fact that you are awake and lying peacefully in bed.

Are You Fighting Something You Should Be Embracing?

Anthropological evidence confirms that some modern-day hunter-gatherers around the world likewise engage in biphasic sleeping.6 Also, in one small experiment, seven adults lived in a controlled environment with 14 hours of darkness per night. Over the course of four weeks, their sleep and hormone secretions slowly and naturally became biphasic.7

Scholars argue that biphasic sleep confers an evolutionary advantage.8 If some individuals fall asleep earlier and some later, and most people are awake for an hour or two in the middle of the night, someone in the group is always up. That person can tend the fire and watch for danger. In fact, the waking hour was sometimes called the “sentinel” hour. According to Ekirch, it was often referred to as simply the “watch.”

Are You a Biphasic Sleeper, or Do You Have a Sleep Problem?

(function($) { $("#dfUzFnW").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfUzFnW" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4545

https://academic.oup.com/advances/article/7/5/938/4616727

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3700250/

https://academic.oup.com/advances/article/7/5/938/4616727

https://academic.oup.com/ahr/article-abstract/106/2/343/64370

https://academic.oup.com/sleep/article/39/3/715/2454050

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10607034

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/pdf/10.1098/rspb.2017.0967

The post Why Am I Waking Up at 3am? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Why Am I Waking Up at 3am? published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

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mrsteveecook · 6 years

Text

boss invited our whole office on a 10-day cruise, I had a disturbing dream about an employee, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss invited our whole office on a 10-day cruise at his expense

I’m seven months into my first adult job after college. I work for a university doing outreach for the VP and AVP of university advancement.

On Monday, our VP (my boss’s boss) called us all into a meeting. He said he needed to “get the ladies’ opinion” on his gift for his wife’s birthday. He then loaded up a PowerPoint presentation (we were all chuckling at this point) in which he shared all about the 10-day cruise to Mexico he had planned for her. In the end, he told us all that he and his wife had discussed it, and that they’d decided they would love to invite the office along with them. This includes my two bosses and four (including me) administrative staff. We have until next Monday to make a decision. VP is going to pay out of pocket for all of us, but if we want to bring our spouses we need to pay $1,000.

I’m in shock. I don’t want to commit career suicide by saying no (especially because I’m hoping to move up here eventually). But it’s tough to consider paying that money for a vacation I didn’t plan when I should really be paying off my car or saving for a down payment on a home. Not to mention it will use up every hour of vacation time I’ve saved and then some — and I can’t afford unpaid time off! I don’t want to go without my fiance either, because I know all the other ladies will be bringing their husbands and I’m already by far the youngest employee. I also would hate to make him feel like I don’t appreciate such a generous invitation. On the flip side, I’m concerned about the professional boundaries of going on a 10-day vacation with all three of my bosses. I shared some of my concerns, about money and vacation time, and VP said that he would “gift” me his extra vacation time and not to worry about the money and we could work something out. This is vague and makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Is this normal?? What do I do?? Can I tactfully say “no thank you” without it offending him? Or should I start saving? VP is an incredibly kind, hard-working, and generous man but I’m so early in my career, my fiance and I both are still paying off our debts from school, and this is tough to think about doing because it certainly means putting off any personal plans we had for the winter.

This is not normal. It is very, very unusual. (And that’s saying nothing of the idea of inviting all your employees on your spouse’s birthday cruise. I would be consulting a divorce lawyer if I were his wife, but apparently she’s enthused?)

Normally I’d say to explain you can’t afford it or need to save your vacation days for something else, but you’ve tried that and it sounds like he’s finding ways to negate both of those. You’re going to have to use a reason that he can’t offer to “fix.” I’d say that it’s a very generous offer and you really appreciate it, but you’ve realized you have an unbreakable commitment during the dates of the cruise, like a big family event that you’d never be forgiven for missing. (Make sure the dates are locked in before you say this; otherwise there’s a risk that he’ll try to find other dates.) Alternately you could say that there’s no way your fiance can get the time off work and you wouldn’t want to go without him, but that opens up the door to him pressuring you to go on your own.

2. Should I take another promotion without a raise?

I have been working at a small nonprofit (~150 employees) for the past four years. About two years in, I was promoted to a manager position, which gave me a new job title, but did not come with a salary increase. Since then, my company has not given annual raises, but has instead given end-of-the-year stipends as a bonus, so my salary is still – 4 years later – at the coordinator level.

My boss turned 65 this year and will be retiring soon. I have previously been told by upper management that I am part of the succession plan: when my boss retires (who is at the director level), I am slated to get her job. I am worried that there will be no pay raise again when they offer me this new position, as we were informed that managers will not be getting raises this year.

When I was promoted to the manager level I did get new benefits: namely, more paid time off. When I move up to the director level, the benefits are the same but the responsibilities increase exponentially. I am a high performer and am regularly chosen to do special projects by the CEO. My annual performance reviews are consistently outstanding.

Do I take the promotion (and the title) with no raise? I love my job, but I am starting to feel like they are taking advantage of me.

They are taking advantage of you. It’s one thing to temporarily freeze salaries; that’s sometimes a thing that happens. But having your salary frozen within the pay range for the job you’re doing is different than being hired into a new job and still paid in the salary range for the older, lower position.

Think of it this way: If they hired an outside candidate rather than promoting you, they’d have to pay a reasonable market rate for the position, right? They couldn’t say to this outside candidate, “Oh, we have a salary freeze so we’re going to pay you a coordinator’s salary for a manager’s job.” That would be ridiculous, right? But they’ve already done that to you once. Do not let them do it a second time.

3. Should I tell an employee I had a dream predicting his death?

I know this is a bizarre question. I just woke up from an incredibly vivid dream in which a fortune teller told me that one of my favorite/best employees was going to die on September 25, 2024. I’m not sure I even believe in psychic dreams, but it felt so vivid and certain that, were this just a friend or someone I worked closely with, I would tell them about my dream. But when I consider telling my employee about it, I just kind of imagine the letter that they could write you from their perspective: “Dear Alison, did my boss just low-key threaten my life?”

I shouldn’t tell my employee, right? I do actually kind of want to warn him.

PS: I promise to update on September 26, 2024 and let you know what’s up.

Do not tell your employee. I’m not sure you should tell anyone if you have this kind of dream about them, but definitely not in a business relationship.

There are really only three outcomes here: (1) He thinks this is very bizarre and feels uncomfortable that you decided to relay this to him. (2) He’s freaked out but can’t actually do anything about it. If it’s a real prophecy, he can’t avoid it, right? At least that was the lesson I learned from Sleeping Beauty and the spinning wheel. (3) He thinks it’s silly, but is mildly bothered by having it in his head and is annoyed you felt you needed to share this with him.

None of those outcomes are good. There’s nothing actionable here for anyone. Shake off the dream and move on!

4. Do you need to write a cover letter when contacting a recruiter?

I’m currently looking for work for the first time in 10 years, and I’ve found that a lot of the jobs I’m interested in are posted online by recruiters. In most cases the job posting says something like, “To apply for this position email your resume to [recruiter name] at [email].”

In these cases, should I still send a cover letter along with my resume, even though I’ve not been asked for one? I’ve read advice before that said to always send a cover letter with your resume if possible.

In general, you should always send a cover letter even if it’s not specifically requested, because a good cover letter can bump your application up. (Note that’s only true if it’s a good cover letter. If it just summarizes your resume, which is what 90% of them do, it doesn’t add much.) That said, it’s definitely true that, on average, recruiters tend to care about cover letters less than hiring managers. But that’s on average; there’s individual variation on both sides. And since you don’t know specifically who you’re dealing with, it makes sense to include a cover letter if you want the best shot at the job.

You may also like:

can I ask my boss to deny my vacation request so I don’t have to go home for Christmas?

my boss complains when I can afford vacations that he can’t take

fielding complaints from an employee’s husband, bringing gifts back from vacation for coworkers, and more

boss invited our whole office on a 10-day cruise, I had a disturbing dream about an employee, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager https://ift.tt/2PBxunB

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girlie-the-insurrectionist-blog · 7 years

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Trove Cheat

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