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#asecretvoice
asecretvoice · 9 months ago
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It doesn’t matter that you broke my heart multiple times, I still saw all that good in you. I still cared for you despite of it, loved you when you didn’t love me back. I still believed, but I deserve someone who will see all I have and not walk away.
-one day you will miss me like I missed you
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aprettyfacevampire · 6 years ago
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The essence that makes us happy. The thing that drives our souls. Where is it? Where can I find one? But most of all when did mine go missing?
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I hate how you turned my greatest strength,
my ability to trust and forgive,
against me.
Used it as my greatest weakness.
After all, you knew
how I would always forgive you
for breaking me
over and over again.
May be you were my weakness.
But not anymore.
-I’ve always been able to forgive those who have hurt me the very most
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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It’s my own damn fault for breaking my heart, for thinking you had actually changed. That I ignored the gaslighting when she didn’t really want you that time in November. When you begged me to go Christmas shopping for your mom and sister, and I went anyways. For thinking you actually cared about me, on all those car ride trips we went on. Tacos and Providence seaside views in January, for me dragging you used book shopping in Niantic when my friend cancelled in February, when you told me “jokingly” you wanted to get back to together. I didn’t say it then, but I wanted to believe you I just couldn’t risk my heart. And yet there was ramen and a bookstore in March, there was helping me buy hiking shoes, wearing them in and Mediterranean food in April . There was breakfast hole-in-the-walls, there was taking hidden trails in the woods, singing along to my bad car karaoke, getting lost on winding Connecticut roads, countless nights staying up late despite my early 4 am weekday alarms. You begging to meet my friends, wanting to go hiking with us, and I thought you actually meant it. There was me cautious but wanting to believe. I missed you and it felt like old times. So many things on the tip of my tongue, how I wanted to tell you it all. But I had been burned before by you when I last bared my soul. I didn’t want to be so attached, to seem so eager, I just wanted someone who would stay. So when I stepped away, just once I wanted you to fight back in June. But instead you wanted her, and I went alone on that mountain hike in those shoes you helped me buy. I’m sorry to my heart, for believing in those butterflies that I thought meant you felt like home. I should have listened to them when they warned me of the greatest heartache I would have to endure.
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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My darling, please don’t mistake my softness as a weakness. For one would think that after many years, a person would be stronger. But who is to say that being soft and sensitive is not a strength? I should not be ashamed for being so close with my emotions, for everything that has brought me so much joy to all my tears of pain. I am soft in the way I trust people and believe they all have good intentions, I am soft in the ways I believe the lies of poisoned tongues, I am soft in the way tears come so easily to my eyes in the slightest of emotion. They say I should be stronger, with walls hardened around my heart. But my darling it takes true strength, to withstand all that pain and heartache and still be soft to world around you.
-I refuse to let my past turn me into stone.
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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Are you happy now, knowing how much you broke me? Using me only when you wanted to, throwing me to the side when you found something new and shiny. How dare you ask me to be your friend, as if I would be okay watching you find your happiness in someone else from the sidelines. Was I nothing but a backup plan when she didn’t turn out like you hoped? Knowing I would always be there for you to use and use again, but never good enough to stay. Why treat me as something permanent when you only wanted me temporarily? Are you okay knowing how much you hurt me, does it leave you waking up gasping for breathe, a heavy dull emptiness in your heart knowing the person who you loved so much never loved you back? That it never existed in the first place.
-I really hope you are happy now
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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Thank you for teaching me how I want to be loved back, I just wish you weren’t another life lesson I had to learn along the way.
-for a while I thought it was real
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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I’d rather you be a stranger in my life, than have to live with the ghosts of what love did to me.
-at least I would be okay with a stranger lying to my face
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asecretvoice · 11 months ago
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Stop coming back to me, if you don’t intend to stay.
-otherwise I’m gonna think you really want me
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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If you cannot love me at my worst, you my dear, do not love me at all.
You cannot pick and choose when to love someone, you either do or you don’t.
Love is more than just loving someone through their highs and lows.
It is the willingness and caring that despite of it, never faltering.
Together.
-It’s taken me a while to realize you never cared for me, and I have to be okay with that.
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I fell in love with the idea of you, what you could have been for me.
I should have realized what you actually were.
-things I want to say to you
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I’m so tired of crying over someone who couldn’t care about me the same way back.
Why does it hurt so much for me, when clearly you don’t feel the same?
When was it over, when you realized you could just walk away?
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I need to stop forgiving people who have hurt me, over and over again.
Instead I need to learn how to forgive myself, for being brave enough to try, over and over again.
-thoughts from my journal
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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How do you stop missing someone, who won’t miss you back?
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I put on that fake smile and pretended,
that you couldn’t break my heart again.
And you smiled back, like it was nothing.
I was nothing but a fleeting thought.
I learned a bleeding heart can still break,
especially by the person who had broke it before.
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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I forgave you so many times but they were all just excuses. You don’t get my forgiveness this time. All you did was just play around with me. You were the first time I ever felt safety, and when you left I crashed. You knew I was barely holding on, you supported me at first but you told me I was nothing but too broken. Why did I let you call me that? Broken. A whore. I let you call me a whore, for your friend coming onto me. And yet you were the first person I told of my past sexual abuse or the time I was forced into after you. You called me an alcoholic for posting drinks, what about all those times you wanted to get me drunk. But because of my abuse I’m still too afraid to let go all the way. I accepted those words you told me. It’s time I tell you the truth. I fell in love with the future of you. Seeing you succeed, see your friends getting married and having kids and happy. I wanted that for us. It would take time but I was willing to fight for you, for us, for me. I sank so deep I became dependent on sleeping pills. Anything to not feel, to not cry myself into a stupor for hours. I can count the three different times I tried to kill myself with pain meds and alcohol. Because at that point it wasn’t with living if I never felt safe enough to live. You were the one who took me away from it all and you left me behind in it. I lost 30+ lbs in 3 weeks and I just didn’t care. You weren’t there or deserved to see the damage you did to me. I sunk as low as to be willing to be your friend even if it killed me. To touch you like we used to, to do the same things we used to do together. But I couldn’t call you mine or someone I could trust. I had the only people that were your family, your mother was there when I bawled in her arms. Your sister was there with me when I had a pregnancy scare and went with me to get a test after we had broken up. When you asked me what we were now, I lied. Because you hurt me so many times before. But the truth was I missed you, would do anything to be near you, near that sense of safety I once felt in you. Torturing myself all the same. I’m sorry I loved you when I shouldn’t have. That I cared for you and only wanted the best for you. I’m sorry I believed in everything you ever told me. I hope she makes you happy in the way I couldn’t. Good bye Cooper.
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asecretvoice · a year ago
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You lost so much that day, you will never find a person who will give so much of themselves as much as I gave you.
I gave you every ounce and let you in as deep into my soul as I could bare. Because that’s all I know, when you love someone you give them everything you got.
Next time, I hope to find someone who will give just as much back to me.
-in my last letter to you
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asecretvoice · 2 years ago
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“For a while, I thought you were my person. That person who would have my back, push me when I needed it, loved me through it all. I was wrong, terribly and hopelessly wrong. It took some time, but I finally realized that I have to be that person for myself.”
-thoughts from my journal
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asecretvoice · 3 years ago
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“We became strangers, I could only watch as you became a monster and destroyed myself from the inside.”
- I tried didn’t I?
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asecretvoice · 3 years ago
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Loving you was my downfall, living without you was my destruction. I’ll be damned if I love you again, but I would rather live with you and destroy myself than live a life without you completely.
-words on the edge of my lips
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