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#ashley seaver x reader

smartycvnt · 6 months

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Hunger

Title: Hunger Pairing: Ashley Seaver x Reader Prompt: 8. "Moving to gasp for air, but the other still leans in eyes closed, lips parted, absolutely wanting more." NR WC: 924

The bar was like a rite of passage for all academy graduates, and Y/n was not above hanging around her peers. There were extra eyes on her because of her family ties, but Y/n had done her best to ignore them. She didn't even want into the BAU, so it wasn't like anybody could accuse her of using her mother to get in. Y/n wanted to go straight to human trafficking, but she had been pulled for a different unit instead. It was basic field work in the middle of nowhere, technically there wasn't even anything for her to really do except for help out with the occasional cop case if needed. Apparently there had been like one serial killer in the area years before, and the FBI had refused to leave it unmanned.

"Two beers please," Ashley said quickly as she slid in front of Y/n at the bar. Immediately, Y/n wrapped her arms around Ashley's waist to greet her with a hug. Ashley was grateful for her back being to Y/n so that the woman couldn't see the blush rising on her cheeks. Y/n would miss being this close to Ashley, but they had a plan worked out. They'd see each other every few months whenever Y/n came back for her quarterly assessment tests to see if there was a special unit for her to be placed in. Ashley would probably stay with the BAU since that was like her dream, but maybe the miracle Y/n had been holding out for would happen and they'd be placed together.

"I didn't think you'd make it." Y/n watched as the bartender slid their drinks over to them. Ashley held both of them in her hands as she made her way through the crowd. It was early for things to be getting truly rowdy, but Y/n doubted that the bar was generally as lively as it was that night. It was full of newly passed recruits and friends celebrating their last nights together before they were forced apart by work. Friends. That was what Y/n and Ashley were.

"Did you get your assignment yet?" Ashley asked as she led Y/n over to table. There were a few people talking already, agents from the BAU who worked with Ashley. Y/n had heard stories about each and every one of them. Her eyes narrowed as she began to place names to faces from the little details that Ashley had told her. Her gaze was harmless, right up until she placed Spencer among the group. Scary movie date, one night stand Spencer. Nerdy, overly rough thrusting Spencer.

"Yeah, there's an office near Redmond I'll be working out of. It's pretty boring out there apparently, but it's also pretty easy to move up the ranks. They'll also let me fly in to see if I test into any of the special units after six months," Y/n said. Ashley became visibly uncomfortable at the news of Y/n's placement, but she kept it to herself. Ashley had worked hard to keep her past from everybody else, including Y/n. She knew that Ashley had come from that area, but Ashley had never told Y/n about her father. "Are you gonna come visit me?"

"I, um, I can't." Ashley looked down with shame. She had pulled a lot of strings to get herself on the exact same unit that Y/n had been heading towards. Y/n looked hurt and confused by Ashley's answer, which only made Ashley feel even more guilt than she had before. "I'm starting an undercover operation with the human trafficking unit in New York. I'm supposed to leave on the eighth for my briefing."

"That's the day before I go to Redmond," Y/n said quietly. Ashley leaned forward and took Y/n's hands in hers. "When will you get out?"

"They don't know. It could be anywhere from a couple weeks to a year," Ashley told her. Y/n's face fell for a moment before she stood up. "Y/n, where are you going?"

"Come with me. Please," Y/n said. The two of them walked out of the bar, leaving their drinks behind. Y/n walked Ashley down the street a bit before pulling her into an alley. "A year is a long time, and I'd hate to miss my chance to do this. You and pretty boy in there didn't go anywhere, did you?"

"Not really, no," Ashley said awkwardly. Y/n nodded and cupped Ashley's cheeks. "Are you going to kiss me?"

"Yeah, I am," Y/n told her. Ashley's heart began to flutter in her chest as Y/n leaned in. The kiss consumed the both of them quickly. They could hear people pass by them on the street, but neither woman could be bothered to make sure they weren't being watched. Ashley stumbled backwards a little as her knees began to grow weaker. Y/n followed her and pinned Ashley back against the wall, all while refusing to break the kiss. Finally, Y/n pulled away as her lungs began to gasp for air. She slowly opened her eyes to find Ashley trying to follow her for more. Ashley's eyes were still shut and she was panting through now kiss swollen lips. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she opened her eyes to find Y/n staring at her with a ravenous hunger in her eyes.

"Let's get out of here."

#my writing #one shot #ashley seaver x reader #ashley seaver #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader

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amberjazmyn · 6 months

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dr spencer reid one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - instagram part two

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - none

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - a series of instagram posts from usersdrsreid and ynreid.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i had so much fun writing the first part that i knew i had to do it again and just because i really love dr spencer reid

part one masterlist

- - -

liked by drsreid, derekmorgan, emilyprentiss, penelopegarcia, jenniferj and 456,789,50 others

ynreid what you don't see in the first photo is me laughing at spencer crying over the realisation that we now share the same last names

View all 839,45,10 comments

drsreidi knew i was gonna cry all day anyway love, so it's okay to laugh

derekmorgan i think we were all crying at one stage

drsreid derekmorgan apart from y.n lol, she didn't cry once derek and big props to her because i did at one stage think we had gotten her but, we never did

emilyprentiss this day was literally the best wedding i've ever attended omg

penelopegarcia hands down my favourite wedding in the world. congratulations you silly poms

aaronhotchner and i thought i had cried my tear ducts dry but nope

ashleyseaver omg you guys are so fucking cute!

ellegreenway lol, jj in the right-hand corner just screaming in joy

liked by ynreid, emilyprentiss and 783,149,67 others

drsreid the reason why i cried the entire day wasn't that i was "losing my freedom as a single man" or anything else like those snarky comments i see. i cried the whole day because i had waited so long for today to arrive that when it did, i couldn't grasp the fact that i was finally marrying the girl of my dreams.

i absolutely adore you mrs reid, more than words in any of the english or any other language dictionaries can explain. the reason why i cried all day was that i hadn't ever woken up as happy as i did this morning with the knowledge that i was going to be marrying my best friend. i cried all day because i got to fulfil the dream that your dad dreamt and made for you before he had the opportunity to see his gorgeous little girl get married to the love of her life. i cried all day because i didn't get to see my wife be walked down the aisle by her dad. i cried all day because we got to see aaronhotchner walk her down the aisle. i cried all day because finally got to vow my everlasting love to my soulmate. i cried all day because i finally got to fulfil my father-in-law's wish of marrying his little girl, just like he wanted me to do, that he had written down on his bucket list of "last things to do before i die". i love you so much mrs reid and i promise to love you every single day until i can no longer do it on earth.

View all 928,875,67 comments

ynreid it was a perfect day spence, even though daddy never got to be here physically <3

emilyprentiss best wedding ever!

aaronhotchner i'm forever grateful that i was able to hand y.n over to you, spencer. it was an honour and i'm so glad i got to honour her father and your father-in-law

penelopegarcia omg, i cried so hard when i realised that hotch was walking y.n down the aisle, my lord.

jenniferj bro, didn't think i'd tear up seeing hotch walk y.n down the aisle but, it did and then i couldn't stop crying.

davidrossi so glad i had the pleasure of officiating the ceremony. it was beautiful you two.

ellegreenway i'm so glad we got to be a part of it, spence.

ashleyseaver i'm still so frustrated that i ugly cried any time that the camera was in my direct eyeshot

ynreid ashleyseaver you still looked fucking gorgeous dear daughter! thank you for being one of my bridesmaids <3

liked by drsreid, aaronhotchner,derekmorgan and 456,781,90 others

ynreid did someone order a baby reid?

View all 543,836,77 comments

drsreid yeah, i think i ordered it a few months ago. it still hasn't arrived yet

ynreid drsreid how rude, cannot believe it's taking this long!

aaronhotchner you guys just got married and already you're popping out children!

derekmorgan i think i just choked on my saliva holy crap what?!

penelopegarcia i've only just emotionally recovered from the wedding and now you're telling me you guys are pregnant?!

jenniferj and now i'm sobbing

liked by ynreid, emilyprentiss, penelopegarcia and 932,581,50 others

drsreid say hello to sage eleanor emily reid everybody.

View all 37,98,08 comments

ynreid my two precious angels <3

emilyprentiss omg sage eleanor emily reid! only the cutest name ever!

penelopegarcia cutest goddaughter ever!

derekmorgan ok but like, who named sage?

drsreid derekmorgan y.n did actually, derek. sage was a traditional name in your family as was eleanor and then we wanted to honour one of you guys and we decided emily would be the perfect name. i cried instantly when she suggested we name our daughter after her grandpa's sister.

jenniferj best girl dad ever!

liked by drsreid, aaronhotchner, davidrossi and 894,142,99 others

ynreid spence, today is all about you and the amazing father you are to our little girl, sage eleanor emily. you love our daughter in ways that i could have only seen in dreams. you always make sure you give her all the attention in the world. you are sage's entire world and she is yours and it's plainly obvious. i am so grateful we get to parent our little pretty girl genius. i love you so much reid sr.

View all 874,619,12 comments

drsreid can you please stop making me cry bubs? i've been crying all day because of how loving you have been! i love you mrs reid

ynreid drsreid i love you more mr reid

aaronhotchner happy fathers day spencer <3

davidrossi happy father's day reid. sage is a beautiful girl, just like her beautiful parents

derekmorgan happy father's day pretty boy

ashleyseaver happy father's day, spencer! sagey has gotten so big!

liked by ynreid, emilyprentiss, aaronhotchner, derekmorgan, penelopegarcia and 876,912,34 others

drsreid happy mothers day mrs reid. you are the best mother to sage and we are so grateful to have you in our lives. it was almost magical to see the way your body changed during your pregnancy with our daughter. seeing you nurture her before and after she was born whilst still being a kick arse with the fbi always brings tears to my eyes and motivates me to be a better agent because you were born to be a natural mother and fbi agent and sage is the luckiest little girl in the world, just like i'm the luckiest husband in the world. sage eleanor emily and i love you every single day and every day is mother's day in this household!

View all 492,697,12 comments

ynreid i can see why you got me to cry today without even trying. it was payback for making you cry during our wedding, our entire pregnancy and when i named sage. touché mr reid, touché

drsreid ynreid i sincerely promise it was not as payback because it made me cry seeing you cry. it was not payback at all

emilyprentiss happy mother's day y.n. can't wait to see the reid fam tonight <3

ynreid emilyprentiss thank you em! spence and i can't either. sage is also very excited to see her godmother, it's the cutest thing <3

aaronhotchner happy mother's day my darling y.n <3

derekmorgan happy mother's day pretty girl <3

- - -

imagining spencer as a girl dad is everything in my dreams and therefore imagining mgg as well being a girl dad is everything of my dreams. i'd love either of them to become girl dads!

ok ily bye xx

wc; 1651

#criminal minds #fluff #fake instagram one shot #spencer reid as a girl dad #dr spencer reid x reader #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #david rossi #emily pretntiss #ashley seaver #penelope garcia #aaron hotchner

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thyme-in-a-bubble · 2 years

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chamomile, masterlist

A/N: originally posted back in september of 2022. maybe you've read this one before, maybe you haven't, either way enjoy! I've made a bunch of new moodboards for each chapter, so maybe that can make it fun for anyone who wants to reread it ♡

summary: after JJ leaves the bau, Y/n is hired as the new liaison.

warnings: Spencer Reid x reader, follows season 6, bau!reader, liaison!reader, explicit sexual content, no Ashley Seaver in this one, heavy subjects (sorry to be unspecific, but I don’t wanna spoil anything), total word count is 17k

masterlist | join my taglist

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

#chamomile #lea’s writing #spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid series #bau!reader #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid hurt/comfort #spencer reid angst #spencer reid comfort

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dr-spencer-reids-queen · 1 year

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Got Off On The Wrong Foot

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.6k

Warnings: fluff

Request by anon: can you do a spencer reid x bau!reader where they have banter/act like anya and dimitri from Anastasia plz and thank you

Summary: You and Spencer got off on the wrong foot, and instead of trying to fix it, you keep finding new ways to piss him off. He’s cute when he gets angry.

Square Filled: ashley seaver (2021) for @spencerreidbingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

You’re very thankful for your sister to get you the job you have. She joined the BAU to complete her training courses, and she told you how much she loved the energy. It eventually got to be too much for her to handle which is why she left.

You had gotten to know the team through her, so it didn't come as a shock when you wanted to take her place. You have police experience, and you are an agent for a different department within the FBI. Hotch knows you have the skill and credibility, so it wasn’t hard to transfer you over to his department.

Everyone was thrilled to hear you were coming over… Everyone but Spencer. It’s no secret that you’re incredibly smart, and you like to show it off to people. You’re not rude or cocky about it, but you don’t hide your confidence. You have a very high IQ, and you flaunt your intelligence when you can.

Spencer saw you as competition, and he grew irritable whenever you proved him wrong about something.

He's never had competition before because he was always the smartest on the team, but now that all changed. He's salty, but you’re not going to let that bother you. Plus, it’s kind of fun getting him all riled up about stupid shit. He’s fun to mess with because it’s too damn easy.

Everyone can see your feelings towards Spencer and his feelings towards you except for you two. It’s clear you two like each other, but neither one of you will do something about it. It’s frustrating to watch, especially when you two bicker like an old married couple.

Derek often says you two need to fuck, but you stopped listening to him a long time ago.

The briefing only takes about an hour, so you have the other six to do whatever you want while on the plane. You’re sitting on the chair that's across from the couch where Spencer is sitting. They’ve upgraded the planes to where the seats can swivel, so instead of facing the small table in front of you, you swivel your chair so you’re facing the couch.

You’re trying to get some sleep, but you can feel Spencer burning holes into your head from how hard he’s staring at you.

“What do you want, Spencer?” you sigh and open your eyes.

“Look, I have to admit, we got off on the wrong foot.”

“I completely agree. I accept your apology.”

“Whoa, I’m not apologizing. I’m--”

“Please stop talking,” you cut him off. “It’s going to make me upset.”

“Fine. I’ll be quiet if you do,” he says and crosses his arms.

“Fine, I’ll be quiet.”

You put your feet on the seat next to him so that you’re completely off the ground.

“Fine.”

“Fine,” you shrug.

“Fine.”

“Fine,” you say more sternly.

Spencer pushes your feet off the couch, and you stick your tongue out at him like a child.

“Are you seeing this?” Derek whispers to JJ.

“Every day,” she chuckles.

“Would you sit up? You’re not at home,” Spencer complains about your posture.

Instead of doing what he asks and finding a common ground, you slouch down even further which seems to piss him off. You put your feet back onto the couch and flip him off before trying to go to sleep.

Those six hours fly by fast when you’re asleep. You don’t even feel when you’ve landed. Someone shrugs your shoulders to wake you, and you lift your arm so fast that it smacks whoever tried to wake you. The person groans in pain, and your eyes open wide in guilt.

“I am so sorry. I didn’t--” You look up to see Spencer, and your entire demeanor changes. “Oh, it’s you. That’s alright then.”

“We’re here,” he grumbles and walks away from you.

You smirk and grab your bags before following him off the plane. The weird thing about this case is that the police already know who committed all these heinous crimes. There are seven dead people, and they all have evidence pointing to one person: Trey Vanderpool. The only reason why you were called in is because he is nowhere to be found.

If you can somehow put together a profile, then you can release it to the public in hopes they will help find him. The thing about Trey is that he’s so filthy rich that he can afford to disappear. He must have teams upon teams of bodyguards and security that makes it very hard to locate someone like him.

However, you have Penelope on your side, and she knows more than she lets everyone else think. She can work some serious magic, and while she couldn’t locate Trey immediately, she did find out important information about him.

For example, he never passes up big parties. He loves to attend the really expensive ones that play boring music and are filled with important and sometimes dangerous people. Usually these parties are a front to drug use or underground weapon sales, but he never misses one of those parties.

And there is one happening two days from now.

It gives your team enough time to come up with a profile to give out to the public, and enough time to get yourself ready for this party. Hotch made a deal with the person hosting it and got his entire team invitations.

The only thing in your control is what you’re going to wear, and luckily, you always come prepared for these types of things.

You’re wearing something elegant with a bit of a raunchy twist. The dress is emerald green that hangs off the shoulders, exposing your collarbone and the top of your breasts. The dress shimmers all the way down to your feet, but there is a large slit in the front that shows off your long legs. Your hair is pinned up, you have a diamond necklace on, and long thin earrings to tie the whole thing together.

Spencer is the first one at the party with Derek, and you’re the second. He looks to the front of the mansion where you stand, and his entire mouth goes dry. He is speechless, which doesn’t happen often. If you weren't such a pain in his ass, then you would be the most attractive person in the room.

Scratch that. It doesn’t matter if you’re a pain in his ass or not. You’re still the most attractive person he’s ever laid eyes on. Part of the reason why you bug him so much is because you make him nervous and flustered. Half of the time, he isn’t irritated at you but himself for feeling this way.

“Why don’t you admit you like her?” Derek asks Spencer when he sees who he’s looking at.

“What?” Spencer snaps out of his trance. “I don’t like her. I’m just amazed that she’s actually on time for once. She’s always freaking late.”

He leaves his friend’s side and approaches you, and you look at him with a dazzling smile.

“Wow, Reid, you clean up nicely.”

“So do you.”

The rest of the team gets to the party, and hotch splits you into pairs to look out for Trey. You have to wander the entire mansion until you find him, so you and Spencer take the main room where the open bar is. It’s where most of the people are.

No matter how many times you do this or how many bad guys you take down, you’re always nervous. This could be the one who brings a gun to the party and shoots you. This could be the one where he shoots someone you care very much about. Everything is on the line tonight, and your nerves are taking over.

Spencer notices how nervous you are, and he looks down at your hands where you’re scrunching a napkin to keep your hands busy. He sets down the drink someone handed him and grabs yours. You look over at him the second you feel him, and you give him a nervous smile.

“Everything is going to be alright.”

He takes the napkin away from you and discards it before intertwining his fingers with yours. You get lost in his eyes for a second, and you think why you haven’t noticed how bright his eyes are. If he weren't so damn irritating sometimes, then you could see yourself falling for him.

Scratch that. It’s because he’s so damn irritating that’s got you hooked. You glance at his lips once before pulling away from him completely.

“Want to dance?”

“We’re supposed to be looking out for our unsub.”

“We can dance and look.”

“I don’t know how,” you shyly admit.

Spencer smiles and grabs your hand again before pulling you closer to the middle of the room. There are a few couples dancing slowly to the soft music playing, and no one notices you and Spencer doing the same. He slides his left hand to your back while the other is still in your hand. He pulls you closer and begins moving gently to the music.

You don’t know how to dance, but the longer you stare into his eyes, the more you feel like you can.

“You know, you’re not so bad. I really would like to start over. If you want to, of course,” you quickly add.

“I’d like that,” he smiles.

You can’t help but look down at his lips again, and this time, he looks down at yours. You both inch forward slowly until you’re about a whisper away from each other. However, before your lips can touch, Derek interrupts.

“We found him. Come on.”

You let out the softest sigh before pulling away from Spencer. You follow Derek, but Spencer stays behind for two seconds. He watches you go off with Derek, and he thinks to himself that, yeah, he’ll do anything to make you his.

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

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blackbird-brewster · 10 months

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CM Fanfiction on AO3

I'm a bit of a stats nerd, and I've been wanting to put this together for ages. The following are some statistics regarding Criminal Minds fanfiction of AO3. Do with this what you will, but if ever someone tries to tell me this fandom isn't misogynistic -- I will just point to this post.

I spent an abhorrent amount of time putting this together, hope it's interesting to other people. Please don't send me hate mail for my opinions.

Base Statistics

Total Fics Tagged Criminal Minds: 34,561

These stats were compiled by me on 20/06/23 via AO3's filtering system.

Note: These were taken at face value, meaning these numbers may not be exact. In order to get exact statistics, I'd have to stringently filter out things like mislabelled fics, spam, fics with multiple categories (to find pure slash, femslash fics), etc.

Tumblr will destroy the resolution of the graphs, just click to see full res :)

Fanfic statistics gathered from AO3, episode totals gathered from IMDB.

CM Fanfiction by Category

Most Popular Tag: Fluff (21.7%)

Fics Counted in This Statistic: *indeterminate due to crossover (multiple tags per each fic)

I honestly expected angst/whump/hurt/comfort to be first on this. I guess if you add up all the variations of those type of fics, they'd be top tag.

Obviously this one isn't ever going to be perfect, because tons of people either don't tag their fics, or they don't use the prescribed tags above. Still, I thought this was worth adding to the post.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #emily prenitss #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #luke alvez #tara lewis #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction #cm fanfiction #cm reference #master post #ao3 stats #cm commentary #cm meta

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r-is-typing · 2 years

Text

interview day | s.r

summary: in which two very different people become friends

requested?: yes! requested by @pasta-and-isopods

request: is it possible for you to do a platonic fic where spencer reid becomes friends with the reader?

pairing: spencer reid x platonic gn!reader

category: fluff, platonic

content warnings: none!

word count: >1k

Interview day.

A day hated by the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, but especially Penelope Garcia. It was known by everyone that knew the girl that she despised change, so when it came to interviewing day which meant hiring someone new after Ashley Seaver had transferred departments, Garcia was pacing all around the room, watching people walk in and out of Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner’s office all day.

Another person anxious about the upcoming interviews was Y/N L/N.

The day had finally come when they flew through the academy and they could start applying for real-life roles in the FBI, actually working for them, rather than just train. Y/N decided that the Behavior Analysis Unit would be the perfect fit for them, but, like anyone, they were terrified of not being able to make it, especially since they were only 26.

Y/N stared at the silver elevator doors, standing two feet away from them. “You know, you actually have to get in the elevators to go somewhere.” Y/N’s face grew red as they turned around, facing a tall, light-skinned man and a blonde woman. “Where are you headed?” The light-skinned man asked, holding the doors open as the three stepped into the elevator. “Up to the BAU. I’m being interviewed for one of their profiler positions.”

“Oh! We work for the BAU. I’m Jennifer Jareau and this is Derek Morgan.”

Y/N shook their extended hands. “Y/N L/N. It’s nice to meet you.” Jennifer smiled at Y/N as the elevator doors opened, the three stepped out and walked towards the glass doors. “Welcome to the BAU, L/N. Good luck. Hotch’s door is just up those stairs and the first one on the left.” Y/N signaled a thank you to the two before walking up to the Unit Chief’s office.

They stood at the door for a moment and stared before lifting their fist and knocking gently.

“Come in.” A deep voice spoke from behind the door. Y/N opened the door slowly. “Mr. Hotchner? I’m Y/N L/N. I have an interview with you?” The dark-haired man looked up from his paperwork and nodded, standing to his feet. “Nice to meet you, Dr. L/N. I’ve heard a lot about you from Dave, uh, Agent Rossi.”

Y/N smiled at this. During their time at the academy, David Rossi had spent a few hours here and there observing the agent trainees, taking notes of who would be good candidates for future positions. Rossi had observed Y/N and hinted to them about the position at the BAU that would be opening up.

“So, I’ve read your files. Top of your class at the academy and graduated with a PhD in Psychology from Yale.” Hotch raised an eyebrow at Y/N to which they just sheepishly smiled. “That’s impressive.”

After twenty more minutes of discussion, Hotch had come to a decision. “Well, welcome to the team, Dr. L/N. I can take you now to meet the rest of the team if you’d like.” Y/N nodded, standing to their feet and following the man out of his office. They followed him down the walkway to another room in which a group of people sat.

“Can I have everyone’s attention?”

The group of five people looked up in unison. “Everyone, meet the newest member of our team, Dr. Y/N L/N. Please make them feel welcome. I’ve got to get back to my office.” With that, Hotch left the room, leaving Y/N standing there awkwardly, waiting for someone to speak up.

“Told you that you’d do fine.”

Y/N laughed softly at Derek’s teasing tone. He stood up, pointing to everyone and introducing them to Y/N. Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, David Rossi, Penelope Garcia, and Spencer Reid. Her new team.

Y/N had yet to meet this “Spencer” everyone talked about, but they mentioned he was around somewhere, so they’d cross paths eventually.

“It’s really nice to meet you all.” Y/N smiled, shaking hands with everyone. After a while, Y/N walked downstairs to get a cup of coffee. A tall man with sandy brown hair and a satchel strapped over his shoulder stood at the coffee machine. Y/N poured themself a cup and added creamer and sugar.

“Did you know that Americans drink 3 coffee cups a day on average, which equates to 400 million cups per day and 146 billion cups per year?”

Y/N looked up at the man who stood there with one hand awkwardly in his pocket, and the other holding his coffee cup. “Huh, I had no idea. But, it makes sense. Coffee’s addicting.” Y/N smiled, shrugging softly. They took a sip of the hot liquid, humming in response to the delicious taste.

“Are you new here?”

Y/N nodded. “I just got hired with the BAU. I’m Dr. Y/N L/N. You?” Spencer nodded, making a mental note of their title. Finally, another doctor like him. “I’m, uh, Dr. Spencer Reid.” Y/N’s eyes lit up. Finally, they met every single member of the team.

“Nice to meet you, Dr.”

“Ditto, Dr.”

r is typing...

and there you have it! my first platonic and gender neutral fic! i hope you enjoyed! thank you again for the request <3

r is signing off...

click here to join the taglist!

taglist: @liltimmyst @elsiebishh @psychosociogentleman @louderfortheback

#spencer reid fluff #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #requests open #reqs open #request #criminal minds #spencer reid #rhyanwritesstuff

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bi-bard · 2 years

Text

And Will You Still Want Me When I’m Nothing New? - Emily Prentiss Imagine (Criminal Minds)

Title: And Will You Still Want Me When I’m Nothing New?

Pairing: Emily Prentiss X Reader

Based On: Nothing New

Word Count: 675 words

Warning(s): self-doubt

Summary: (Season 6) (Y/n) was only confident in their abilities for so long before they felt like they were no longer important. What happens when someone feels like they’re on the verge of being replaced?

Author's Note: Why do these keeping ending up being so much shorter than I'm hoping for?

Masterlist for From the Vault - Taylor Swift Writing Challenge

---------------------------------

I didn't question what it would mean for there to be a new member of the team.

I just smiled and shrugged about it.

I had joined a few years ago. I had followed in about a year after Emily joined the team. We bonded over the fact that we both weren't quite as close as the rest of the team. She made the entire process easier... even before we had gotten together.

A new member of the team should be a good thing. Something to celebrate.

So, when Ashley Seaver walked into the bullpen, I felt like a complete ass for feeling a ping of jealousy. She wasn't even officially an agent. Rossi chose her. Picked her out by name.

The entire thing made my stomach sink more than I would ever care to admit.

It felt like anything I had done or achieved was immediately overshadowed by her mere presence.

I tried to ignore it. I tried to work through any doubts I had forming in my head. I just tried to shrug all of it off. Nothing to worry about. It was all fine. Just had to ignore it.

"(Y/n)."

My head popped up when I heard someone say my name. Emily was standing next to my desk.

"Hey," I replied, putting a smile on my face.

"Hey," she said, seeming suspicious. "You alright?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Why?"

"You've been staring at that file without moving for like ten minutes."

"It's interesting."

"(Y/n)," she sighed. "There is only one paragraph on that page."

I stammered for a moment, "One paragraph can be very interesting."

Emily rolled her eyes before grabbing my wrist. I let her drag me away from my desk and through the bullpen. We ended up in the team's meeting room. She closed the blinds and shut the doors before looking at me.

"What," I asked.

"What's going on," she replied. I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to play dumb. "You've been distracted, quieter, trying to do even more work than usual. What's going on?"

"Nothing," I promised. "Nothing's happening."

"I don't believe you at all."

"Emily-"

"Please," she stepped forward and grabbed my hand. "I just want to help you. Please talk to me."

I looked down at our hands. She was just trying to help. She loved me. I knew that. This was all coming from a place of love.

"Please."

"It's... It's Ashley," I muttered, embarrassed about even feeling this way.

"Did she say something to you," Emily's eyebrows furrowed.

"No, no," I shook my head. "She didn't do anything wrong. She's fine. She's nice... and smart... and new... and young as hell... and was requested by Rossi.... and-"

"Hey, hey," Emily's hands moved to the sides of my face. "It's alright. Take a deep breath."

"She's just... better than me."

"Okay, that's just wrong," she replied bluntly. I shook my head. "(Y/n). She's not better than you. You are a kickass profiler. You do an amazing job."

"I just... shit... I feel like an asshole for even feeling like this," I muttered. "She's such a good person and I'm just being stupid and jealous."

"You're human," she replied. "This sucks but it's human. You aren't immune to these emotions."

I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, "Is she going to replace me?"

"No, never," Emily promised. "Don't think she could. Don't think that Rossi and Hotch believe she can."

I placed my hands over hers.

"You are amazing," she continued. "And I will keep saying that until you believe me."

I opened my eyes and looked at her, "And when I'm no longer exciting?"

"That insinuates that I could ever get bored of you," she said. "And that's never going to happen."

I let out another sigh but grinned at her, nevertheless.

"I love you," she dragged her thumbs along my cheekbones.

"I love you too," I mumbled. She leaned over and kissed my forehead.

For just a moment, the sinking feeling dissipated, and every ounce of work was worth it. I was comfortable again.

---------------------------------

Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss fanfiction #fanfiction #imagine #x reader #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x reader

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fatalitysficbakery · 2 years

Text

𓆰♡𓆪 Fatality’s Fic Bakery Masterlist; Criminal Minds Menu Updated 9•6•23 𓆰♥︎𓆪

↳ A Multifandom blog, that caters to less represented. Mainly black women but other poc and minorities as well.

↳ CHECK THE RULE LIST. Highly important to check my rule post before requesting ANYTHING.

↳ ❦ Fatalitysficbakery navigation menu ❦.

↳ ❦ Fatalitysficbakery rules + drabble menu ❦.

↳ ❦ Fatalitysficbakery requests guidelines menu ❦.

••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••

𓆰♥︎𓆪 Welcome To The Bakery 𓆰♡︎𓆪

series (☀︎︎) oneshots (☦︎︎) smut (✞)

fluff (☻︎) angst (☹︎)

two parters (♫)

reactions (❥) headcanons (☠︎︎)

drabbles (☾)

••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••

𓆰♡︎𓆪 CM’s Ladies Menu 𓆰♥︎𓆪

↳ Emily Prentiss.

coming soon!!

↳ Jennifer Jareau.

Priorities. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; none.

Synopsis; are you gonna keep running to her and leaving me a shell of my former self?

↳ Elle Greenaway.

What Love Does To The Psyche. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; Stalker themes, home invasion, character death. Belle is Elle’s nickname from Y/n.

Synopsis; When Elle’s highschool sweetheart needs the teams help to remove a stalker from her life, Elle immediately remembers why she loved loves her.

What goes on in the dark. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y//n

warnings: hostage situation, mentions of violence, blood, and shot wounds. JJ is a profiler here. Liaison!Y/n, grief, mentions of suicide, gun violence, nothing too graphic.

synopsis: i’ll love you till the very end, amor.

↳ Joy Rossi.

Innocent Verdict. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; VOMIT, Talks of Abuse, Child Molestation, Rape, Our Corrupt Justice system that doesn’t protect black women, hotchner being a supportive dad figure, PTSD!reader (i have ptsd so i’m gonna write it how my attacks feel in my experience but everyone’s attacks won’t feel the same.), Adult adoption (Not common, but happens sometimes. this is what Aaron is to the reader, her father), yes Elle is in this. why? because in heavens bakery she never left 😍. Also- subtle hints of an age regression relationship between Joy and Reader(coping mechanism, nothing sexual ya nasties), reader has autism!

Synopsis; After an innocent verdict turns your life upside down, your wife is there to help you back up. Along with your Quantico family.

↳ Jordan Todd.

coming soon!!

↳ Kate Callahan.

coming soon!!

↳ Tara Lewis.

coming soon!!

↳ Penelope Garcia.

coming soon!!

↳ Ashley Seaver.

coming soon!!

••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••

𓆰♥︎𓆪 CM’s Gentlemen Menu 𓆰♡︎𓆪

↳ Aaron Hotchner.

The Baby Question. (☦︎︎ - ☾ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; None.

Synopsis; #17 “Well- I guess I’d never really thought about but now that you say it aloud…Yeah. Yeah, I’d love to have kids with you”.

Tethered Together. (☦︎︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; Past Life Themes, Mentions of Murder and Violence, and also HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Synopsis; A woman from Aaron’s past is back. Only, he’s sure he’s never met her a day in his life.

↳ Derek Morgan.

I Remember That Night I Just Might Rewind. (Ep 1.) (♫ - ☀︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎-ish) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warning; Presumed Death, Attempted Sexual Assault Mentions (Non-Graphic), Talk of Murder, PTSD!Reader.

Synopsis; Inspired by s7e1 “it takes a village”. You and Morgan were supposed to marry, after you’re “murdered” by an unsub he definitely doesn’t expect or know how to take it when you show up at Quantico…Alive.

↳ Final Ep; The Way It Used To Be. (♫ - ☀︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎)

Warnings; PTSD!Reader.

Synopsis; Getting back into the swing of things isn’t easy.

↳ Spencer Reid.

The Brain, Not The Heart. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings; Kidnap, Torture, Injury, Blood, Brief Mentions Of Sexual Assault, Maeve Supremacy (she and reid deserved better.)

Synopsis; Since Maeve’s death Reid has been closed off from love but when he met you? He saw a future he never thought was in the plans for him. When you’re kidnapped, the brain of the team is suddenly the most frazzled one there.

Nelson’s Sparrow (Gideon’s Song). (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎) x Black Fem!Y/n

Warnings: singer!reader, morgan’s sister!reader, tear jerker, grief, learning to deal with grief

Synopsis: Reid takes Gideon’s death hard and it puts an obvious strain on your relationship - one you didn’t know how to fix. Until you did.

Stolen Breaths. (☦︎︎ - ☹︎ - ☻︎ - ❦) x Black Fem!Y/n

warnings: abduction, incest talk, csa talk, sexual harassment, and then immediately after, slight cockwarming, aggressive!spencer, headstrong!reader, hatefucking, punisher!reid.

synopsis: you’re angry at spencer, he’s angry at you, but his newfound aggression yields unexpected reactions.

↳ Luke Alvez.

coming soon!!

↳ Matt Simmons.

coming soon!!

••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••[❦]•••[❦❦]••

This List will be updated regularly as I go on. Enjoy the baked goods in Heaven’s Fic Bakery! 🥖🥐🥯🍞🥨🥮🧁🍧🍨🍯

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dimitrescus-bitch · 3 years

Text

Criminal Minds Masterlist

*-smut

Trigger warning

Jemily

I Never Told You

Slow Down*

Double Crossed

Flex

Fit for a Princess*

The Effort

Down With the Sickness

Elle Greenaway

The Biggest Person

I’ll Wear Your Ring

Dani California

New York Gallery Girl

The Bag

Advantage

Ashley Seaver

Overload*

Smut Prompt 46*

Savior*

Relocation

Contained*

Sleep In

Headstrong*

Jennifer Jareau

Connection

Country Roads

Smut Prompt 54 & 58*

Circumstance

Tap

Slow Down*

A Duck

Spaced Out

Hit the Wall

Double Crossed

That Way*

Flex

Tear You Apart*

Sleepy

Worry

First Days

Something More

Talking

Derek Morgan

Father Figure

Resident

A Little Care

Emily Prentiss

Made It

Sell

Slow Down*

I’ll Die Anyway

Possessed*

Double Crossed

Hot*

Flex

On a Whim

Good Mourning

Angel

The Savior

Make It

Compromise

Crash

Serious

Late Nights

Penelope Garcia

Technological Hazard

Pocketful of Rainbows

Aaron Hotchner

Little Things

News

Squish

Jordan Todd

Back from the BAU

Spencer Reid

Red

Tara Lewis

Midnight Flight

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sapphicwhxre · 3 years

Text

OTHER MASTERLISTS

♡───

tara lewis

emily prentiss

jennifer jareau

penelope garcia

ashley seaver

elle greenaway

jordan todd

cat adams

♡───

#criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds masterlist #emily prentiss x reader #jennifer jareau x reader #elle greenaway x reader #tara lewis x reader #ashley seaver x reader #penelope garcia x reader #cat adams x reader #jordan todd #jordan todd x reader #wlw #sapphic

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ssavanessa22 · 2 years

Text

3rd and final part of the BAU ✨yassified✨

Next we have Ashley sever

Next we have Jordan Todd

Next we have Kevin lynch

Next Grant Anderson

Then we have Diana Reid

And last but very not least we have Alex Blake

Thank you all for coming to my presentation the BAU ✨yassified✨

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smartycvnt · 2 years

Text

Dutchess

pairing: Ashley Seaver x Reader

summary: Ashley comes home with a k-9 training reject.

Whenever Ashley had approached you about switching from the BAU to a domestic terrorism task force, you had been apprehensive. The BAU could be dangerous, but it wasn't putting her in the vicinity of bombs on a regular basis. However, you could see the way that it grated on her. The months that she had been with the BAU had been good for her, she needed the experience, but it wasn't a place for a new agent. And you could tell that it had brought up quite a few unpleasant memories and feelings for her. So, you had heard Ashley out and stuck with her as she went through a few rounds of specialty training before being officially reassigned.

Both of you seemed to like Ashley's reassignment. Ashley was glad to be doing different, but still important work. You were glad that she was home more often than not now and there was time for the two of you to actually live your lives together. The two of you had been in a bit of a stalemate with your relationship for the past year or so, but now things could move forward. You had always thought about expanding your family, but you hadn't expected for Ashley to just come home with a training reject puppy one day.

"Y/n, I have something to tell you about," Ashley said as she walked into the house. You could hear her taking her shoes and jacket off in the living room from the kitchen. It seemed to be taking her a little longer than usual, and you got the sudden fear she'd been injured at work. Ashley was the type to try and tough it out, so you had a valid fear. "This is Dutchess. The trainers dropped her from the program today."

"Dropped her from the program?" you asked as you turned around. Ashley was looking at you with a hopeful look on her face as she held a German Shepherd puppy in her arms. As if the dog was aware that the next few seconds were crucial for her getting to stay with Ashley, she licked Ashley's face as she wagged her tail. "Ashley, don't you think that this is something we should have discussed earlier?"

"We kind of did, when we watched that movie last month. You said that you'd love to have a dog, remember?" Ashley and the dog had matching expressions and you knew that telling them no would devastate both of them.

"Why was she dropped from the program?" you asked. If you were keeping the "reject" you wanted to know why. Hopefully it was something small and not a major behavioral issue like aggression. Although, as you looked at the puppy, you doubted it.

"Dutchess doesn't like the big men with their loud boots and louder bombs. She's kind of skittish, but I think she can grow out of it. Just look at her Y/n, I mean..." Ashley nuzzled her nose against the top of Dutchess' head and you felt your heart melt a little. "Please?"

"We have to get supplies Ash. She'll need a dog bed, puppy food, training pads, a leash, and you'll be on dog shit duty," you said, and Ashley smiled at you. You swore that you hadn't seen her so happy since you agreed to move with her away from DC. You stepped towards Ashley and held your hands out to take the puppy from her.

"I'll stop at a pet store, you just text me all the things we'll need. Spend some time with Dutchess, bond a little. I won't be more than an hour, tops!" Ashley ran out of the house like a mad woman. True to her word, she didn't take more than an hour, which was the perfect amount of time to bond with the dog. However, you got the idea that Ashley had been carrying the puppy around all day once she got home. Dutchess ran straight from your lap to Ashley, yapping happily as she tapped her little paws against the floor.

"Come on, let's get her little area set up," you said, moving off of the couch. You set a place for the food and water bowls in the dining room before showing Dutchess and giving her a little something to eat. Ashley put the bed in your bedroom, but you knew that Dutchess would end up sleeping in your bed once she was big enough to climb up on her own. You set some puppy pads by the door and went with Ashley to walk the dog before bed.

"You know, I didn't mean to spring this on you," Ashley said as the two of you laid in bed together. She had one of her FBI manuals open and was reading over it. You were laying on your side, resting with your head on Ashley's shoulder and her arm around you. "I just picked her up and couldn't put her down. I've never had a pet before, but I'm glad my first is with you."

"We'll look into some doggy day cares for her, so she doesn't get lonely when we're away with work. This is good for us Ash, better a surprise puppy than a baby," you told her. Ashley's eyebrows shot up as she looked down at you. "This way we'll know if we can take care of another living being before trying to have one of our own."

"You want to have a baby with me?" Ashley asked and you shrugged. Ashley paled as the thought settled in, but you reassured her by pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Don't worry, that'd be a ways away and it's not a dealbreaker. For now, let's just take care of Dutchess and each other."

===tag list===

@hbkpop @sofia-r-1604 @crimeshowjunkie @imlike-so-gaydude @arigotssomekinks

#ashley seaver #ashley seaver imagines #ashley seaver imagine #ashley seaver x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds imagines #criminal minds x reader

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spexialvixtimxunit · 2 years

Text

Masterlist

So I decided partially collab with @verytalented with this ask list. Send a number, a character on the list, and a genre and I’ll make a long or short imagine, you get to pick! All genres are welcome!

** #1-57 are @verytalented and the rest are mine! :)

Who I’ll write for

SVU

Olivia Benson

Alex Cabot

Casey Novak

Amanda Rollins

Criminal Minds

Jennifer “JJ” Jareau

Emily Prentiss

Penelope Garcia

Chicago Fire

Sylvie Brett

Stella Kidd

1. "Just like that."

2. "Now why would I do that?"

3. "Tell me what to do"

4. "I won’t think twice.”

5. "Maybe later.”

6. "Maybe something else can cheer you up?”

7. "I hate you.”

8. "You make me crazy.”

9. "Don’t look at me like that.”

10. "Well, you have my attention.”

11. "I’ll treat you right.”

12. "Anything is possible.”

13. "You're such a brat.”

14. "You bitch.”

15. "Come on it’ll will be fun.”

16. "I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

17. "You’re so pretty.”

18. "I didn’t mean it to end this way.”

19. "I’m yours.”

20. "Fuck you.”

21. "I wonder.”

22. "Do I even matter to you?”

23. "Why do you care?”

24. "Every day, you’re on my mind.”

25. "That’s it.”

26. "Quite down, I don’t want them to hear you.”

27. "Right there.”

28. "Fuck.”

29. "Oh please.”

30. "Use me.”

31. "Let me know what you want.”

32. "Please.(?)”

33. "Come here baby.”

34. "Say you love me.

35. "Just be honest with me.”

36. "How was I supposed to know?”

37. "I don't want to lose you.”

38. "Look at me.”

39. "Stuff like that gives me butterflies.”

40. "You can't be for real .”

41. "I know what I said.

42. "You make me so happy.”

43. "Is it hot in here or is it just me.(?)”

44. "Tell me what you want.”

45. "I want to make you feel good.”

46. "Just be careful.”

47. "Your wish is my command.”

48. "I love it when you smile.”

49. "Is this what you want.(?)”

50. "You like that.(?)”

51. “Please, I want you.”

52. “Lick it.”

53. “You’d give me anything I want.(?)

54. “I can make you scream all night long.”

55. “I love you.”

56. “You're making such a mess.”

57. “You’re so good to me.”

58. “You make it seem so much harder than it already is.”

59. “You’re such a bad influence on me.”

60. “Oh really now?”

61. “It’s not like that.”

62. “Alright then.”

63. “How is that okay?”

64. “You’ll be fine.”

65. “I’m here for you.”

66. “You can’t be serious.”

67. “ I beg to differ.”

68. “So it’s like that huh?”

69. “Yeah right.”

70. “Is that necessary?”

71. “Do you have to go?”

72. “You’re leaving already?”

73. “Where are you going.”

74. “I was joking, alright?”

75. “I can’t believe you.”

76. “I’m ready. Do it.”

77. “Are you really going to make me wait.(?)(!)”

78. “Oh god.”

79. “Why would you do that.(?)”

80. “I can’t take you seriously right now.”

81. “I’ll take your word for it.”

82. “Let’s do it.(!)”

83. “Are you ready(?)”

84. “Would you just do it already!”

85. “Please don’t make me wait.”

86. “That’s fine with me.”

87. “As long as you are here, I can stay.”

88. "I don't want to leave without you."

89. "Maybe we should wait."

90. "Is it true?"

91. "You do know that you don't have to wait on me right?"

92. "It's your choice."

93. "Pick one."

94. "Take your time."

95. “That’s okay, I can wait.”

96. “Do you want me to wait on you?”

97. “Don’t stop.”

98. “Bend down.”

99. “Don’t move.”

100. “Come to me.”

IF YOU USE THIS IS LIST PLEASE USE THE PROPER CREDIT AND TAG @verytalented and @spexialvixtimxunit

#headcanon #wlw imagine #black!reader #law and order svu #svu fanfiction #law and order svu imagine #criminal minds #cm x reader #cm #olivia benson #alex cabot #casey novak #amanda rollins #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #ashley seaver

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babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

DIWK - Chapter thirteen: "Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something that's already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. And then, she goes out with James. Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... here we go!

Masterlist

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. Will she go out with James? Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... things are slowly but surely happening here.

---

Spencer's point of view

- "That doesn't make any sense!"- I nearly lost it at my medical appointment. To be fair, I was losing my sanity for the last week, but that day, that minute, I have had enough.

- "I'm not sure what you want me to say,"- the doctor frowned, confused by my reaction.

- "So there's nothing wrong?"

- "Well, your scans are perfectly normal, and there doesn't seem to be any physical explanation for your headaches."

- "Well, what do I do now?"- I was lost. I was hoping he could tell me there was something physically wrong with me that we could fix. But apparently, everything was ok.

- "Well, have you considered..."

- "Considered what?"- I knew what he was implying, but I didn't want to deal with that. The doctor sighed and simply just said it.

- "A psychosomatic cause."

- "Psychosomatic?"

- "It just means mental or emotional stress..."

I had to cut the doctor right there, 'cos it was nearly insulting that he thought he needed to explain to me what that meant.

- "I know what psychosomatic means, doctor, but it's not that."

- "Well, I think it's something we should consider."

- "It's not... I'm not crazy!"- but yes, I was going a little crazy at the time.

- "Crazy? Dr. Reid, I'm not saying..."- the professional stared at me, shocked, as I put on my satchel and stood up.

- "I have headaches. I have intense sensitivity to light because there's something wrong with me physically, not mentally. It's not that."

- "That?"

- "Listen, doctor, my mother's a paranoid schizophrenic who's been institutionalized, so I know very well what mental illness looks like, maybe even better than you, and it's not that. It's not."

I walked to the door, but before I could leave or dramatically storm out, the doctor added one more thing.

- "Your headaches are more likely caused by stress due, I suspect, to your very consuming job. My recommendation is to take a few weeks off and have a real vacation. Disconnect from work, and relax. That's all."

The doctor seemed genuinely concerned, so I just nodded and walked out. My head was killing me, and to be honest, I wasn't thinking straight.

It was Thursday. My head was killing me. I hadn't spoken more than a handful of words with (Y/N) since last Friday, and to call it torture came short. It was consuming my whole life at that point. I hadn't slept more than maybe three hours that entire week. After we reached home from Miami, I focused on the paperwork and whatever request for information that crossed my desk.

But I wasn't blind, neither deaf nor stupid. No, I was stupid for wasting so many chances I had in almost five years to tell (Y/N) how much I loved her. Now I was doomed to look at her from a safe distance, as she enjoyed life with her new boyfriend. James.

I first heard his name Wednesday morning when a delivery boy showed up at the bullpen, asking for (Y/N). Everybody looked at her, and she blushed as she raised her hand, and the delivery boy gave her a small box and asked her to sign for the package.

- "What is that, pretty girl?"- Morgan asked when the delivery was gone, and he walked over to see what was into the box.

- "I have no idea... but it passed security, so I know it's not a bomb"- she chuckled and opened it.

- "Wow! Did you send her these, kid?"- Morgan looked at me chuckling, but as soon as he saw my serious expression, he frowned, confused.

- "This is incredible!"- it was the whole Jane Austen collection in a deluxe edition. It was gorgeous. She obviously loved it. And it came with a card.

- "Can't wait 'till Friday night. James"- Emily read out loud as (Y/N) stared at the box, blushing- "Ok missy, you have some explaining to do!"

But I didn't stick around to hear the rest of the story. I didn't need the torture. So I stood up and walked to the kitchenette to get another cup of coffee. And then I hid in the briefing room because I needed to be on my own for a while. I sat at the table and stared at my hands, trying to remain calm. I couldn't cry at work. I shouldn't show my true feelings when my friends were around. I didn't want them asking a million questions I didn't want to answer with the truth.

- "Sorry, man,"- Morgan said as he walked in and sat at the other side of the table- I thought you had sent her those books 'cos you have been acting all weird lately, and you were trying to get on her good side

- "Don't worry"- I tried to look cool and even smiled at Morgan, but he knew better than that.

- "So... how are you?"

- "I'm ok, you?"- I was annoyed already, but I knew there was no way out from that conversation

- "Kid, come on. You can talk to me."

- "There is nothing I wanna talk about right now. I am ok!"- I stood up and walked around the room, frustrated and trying not to yell.

- "Come on, Reid. It's getting painful to watch! You have to tell her how you feel!"- Derek stood up too, and I widened my eyes at his words, scared everybody downstairs might have heard us. I looked at the door; it was locked.

- "I don't want to talk about that now."

- "Man! Come on!"- but I passed by his side and ignored him, opening the door and basically running back to my desk.

From where I could clearly see (Y/N) blushing and staring at her books. Great.

That day went painfully slow. By the time I reached my apartment, I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally. My head was killing me, and all I wanted was to get under the covers of my bed with a book, a cup of herbal tea and make a massive effort to get some sleep.

Apparently, I was asking for too much. Ten minutes after my arrival, my bell rang, forcing my weary body to move from the couch to the door. Sadly, it wasn't (Y/N), the only person I wanted to see that minute. Instead, it was Ashley, and I had to pretend and smile when I saw her.

- "Hey! Am I interrupting something?"- she asked with a cheerful smile as she stood by the door and showed me a paper bag- I got some extra dumplings, and I thought you might like to share

- "Thank you, Ashley... but I already ate."- I lied and watched her leave the box on my table and take a look around- "Wait, where did you get my address?"

- "It's on the system."- she answered casually, and I frowned, thinking there had to be a better way to keep our information classified if we were FBI agents. Not that I didn't want Ashley to know where I lived, but... I just didn't want her there.

- "And what were you doing?"

- "Getting... really to bed, actually. I am weary."

- "And... Do you need any help?"- Ashley stood closer to me and smiled mischievously. I cleared my throat, feeling awkward and even a little embarrassed with her proposal.

- "No, thank you, I'm ok."

But she didn't get the hint. Instead, she ran her tongue through her lips very slowly and rested her hands on my hips. My whole body aches at that touch. Not because I craved more, but because it made me feel nervous and uneasy. I didn't want her to touch me, but I didn't want to be rude.

- "You know, Spence, (Y/N) has a boyfriend now, and she definitely moved on with her life. Maybe you should start thinking about doing the same."

- "I'm sorry?"- I frowned as I stared at her silly grin. She thought she was flirting, but instead, she was actually hurting me.

- "I saw her Friday with Anderson's friend. She seemed to be having a great time. Maybe it's time you have fun too."- she leaned in and tried to kiss me, but I took three steps back and shook my head right away.

- "No, Ashley, it's not like that,"- she frowned, confused, and blushed, embarrassed immediately.

-" What? But I thought you... I thought you liked me."

- "I'm sorry, Ashley, but..."- I hesitated in my answer, trying to find the right ways to reject her. I had never rejected anyone before in my entire life. I have never been lucky with girls at all.

- "But what? You don't want me?"

No. I didn't want her. Not even a little. Not even at all. But I couldn't tell her that just upfront. I had to sugarcoat it. I didn't want to hurt her, though. She wasn't a bad person. Just... Not the right person for me.

- "I'm sorry, Ashley. I am sure you are an amazing woman, and any man would be glad to..."

- "Not any man, Spencer. You! I want you!"- but I just shook my head and sighed.

- "I'm sorry."

That was all I managed to answer. Her cheeks kept blushing, and somehow, her eyes were tearing up too. I remembered (Y/N) once told me that she would involuntarily cry every time she was upset, which always made her feel weak. I thought I could tell Ashley crying was totally normal when one's upset. But instead, I just stayed quiet.

- "You know, she is with someone else now. So she clearly doesn't want you, Spencer. Why are you waiting for her?"

I could tell she meant to hurt me, but she couldn't do it. Why? I guess because I knew she didn't understand (Y/N) and me. She tried to make it seem like (Y/N) had ruined everything, but I knew it had been me. There was no one else to blame but me.

- "I don't wanna fight with you, Ashley,"- I whispered and shook my head- And I don't want to talk about (Y/N) with you.

- "She doesn't love you, Spencer,"- that we both agreed on.

- "She has nothing to do with what's going on right here. I don't wanna have anything but a professional relationship with you, Ashley. I'm sorry if you had any other thoughts about us, but it's not gonna happen. Not tonight, not ever. And not because of (Y/N)."

Ashley gave me a stern look. Her chin quivered, but she didn't flinch. Instead, she grabbed the food she had brought and walked to the door.

- "You are gonna regret this, Spencer!!"- she yelled and stormed out of my apartment, slamming the door.

But no matter what, I knew I wouldn't. I wasn't going to regret rejecting her that night.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I stared at the books James had sent me and sighed. I was home alone on a Wednesday night, staring at a bunch of books on my coffee table. They were unique, gorgeous, and clearly expensive. But they meant nothing compared to the one sitting at their side: Spencer's edition of the Illustrated Man. It was old, had many notes on the sides, and the corner of the pages had been folded... primarily by me.

I sipped my glass of wine and sighed. I missed Spencer. I didn't want to go out with James. I wasn't interested in him at all. I just liked the attention I got from him, mostly 'cos I knew he had a crush on me... because Anderson had pointed it out as soon as he told me about him.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I ran my fingers through Spencer's book. I missed him. But he was with Ashley now. So I had to move on. I didn't want to, though. I just wanted him. I could almost see him there, on the couch, laughing. I could hear his laughter as we played board games. His current favorite was Monopoly Gamer Mario Kart, and he really enjoyed winning. He could get all cocky as he got all my coins.

Everywhere I looked around in my apartment reminded me of Reid. It was just the books, his cardigan on my couch, the umbrella he had left two years ago, and that belonged in my place now. It was just the pictures of him on the walls, memories of trips, dinners, Christmas, parties with Lu, Frank, and Mikey. It was literally everything. My apartment screamed Spencer Reid because he was the person I had shared the most amazing times with there.

On that kitchen island, we had carved pumpkins every Halloween for the last four years. On that table, he served the first meal he ever prepared from scratch. On that couch, we forgot about all our phobias and cuddled for countless hours.

My whole life was about Spencer Reid. How was I ever going to move on from him? How was I ever going to love someone the way I loved him?

I sobbed and just then realized I was crying my heart out. I held my legs, wrapping my arms around them, and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I was losing my mind, and the only thing that made sense was crying until there were no more years left inside of me.

When the phone rang, I had a headache. I always get one after I cry. I prayed it wasn't a case 'cos I wasn't really sober after drinking a whole bottle of wine, crying, on the floor. Literally, on the floor. But it wasn't Penelope with a case. It was Frank, and he could tell from the very first moment that something was wrong.

- "Nugget, are you ok?"

- "Yeah, Paco, why?"- I slurred and cursed. I was busted.

- "Why are you drunk?"

- "Because I got home after a horrible day and decided to drown my fucking bad mood in chardonnay. Guess what? The shitty bastard keeps floating, but I am not giving up!"

Frank chuckled with my drunken words. I heard him light a cigarette and walk around somewhere I figured was his apartment.

- "And what is the doc doing?"

- "What the fuck do I know?"- my voice didn't hide the hurt I felt, but I forgot Frank had no idea what was happening between Spencer and me.

- "Doc isn't there?"

- "No, we are no longer tied by the hip."

- "Ok, nugget, what the fuck is going on?"

- "Spencer has a girlfriend."

- "What?!"- I nearly dropped my phone, 'cos Frank yelled into my ear after hearing my reply.

- "Yeah, Spencer Walter Reid has a girlfriend. So if you wanna know about him, you should call fucking agent trainee Seaver, who is probably training his cock right now!!"

I grabbed my glass and finished what was left of the wine. I knew I had another bottle in the fridge, but it was just Wednesday, I still might be called in for a case, and I still had to get up early in the morning to go to work. Getting drunk wasn't the answer. But... I wasn't asking any questions either. So I stood up slowly and walked to the kitchen to grab the bottle.

- "No, nugget. There's no way you are telling me the truth!"

- "Why should I lie? Spencer has a girlfriend. Her name is Ashley."

- "(Y/N), Doc has been in love with you for years! There's no way he has a girlfriend!!"- I put the phone on speaker and left it on the counter to open the cold bottle of wine and pour myself another glass.

- "Can you all people stop saying Spencer is in love with me?!"- tears filled my eyes as I shouted and hit the table- "I know he is not! And that's why I feel like shit!"

- "Ok, nugget... calm down. Are you home?"

- "Yes... can you come over?"

- "I'm sorry, I'm out of town. I came to New York for a job interview."

- "What?! When? Why?"

- "'Cos I thought maybe it was time for a new challenge..."- my heart stopped with those words, and Frank knew it- "But don't worry, I didn't get it. You won't get rid of me so easily, nugget."

- "Good, 'cos I don't want any more changes. I can't deal with any more things changing... I don't like it..."

- "Ok, nugget, I am a little worried now, so I'm going to call Lu and ask her to go to your house, ok?"

- "No, please don't"- I closed my eyes, feeling the room spinning as soon as I did- "I can tell I had a little too much to drink already, so I'll finish this glass, and I'll go to bed."

- "Are you sure?"- I knew Frank was worried, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden for my friends.

- "Definitely."

- "Ok... what if we do something this weekend?"

- "Sure! I'll be free... if no psychopath decides to ruin our fun again."- Frank chuckled, and I took another sip of my wine.

- "Ok, sounds like a plan. Now please go to bed, and whatever you do, don't do any fucking phone call while you are under the influence."

- "I don't drink and call, Paco. Trust me,"- he chuckled one more time, his laughter bringing a smile to my lips 'cos it too damn contagious not to smile, and then, we said goodnight.

I looked around my kitchen. Nothing but memories with Spencer in there too. I could almost see him sitting at the other side of the kitchen island, sipping his coffee, giving me food facts as I cooked. The only fact I was sure about at that point was that if I wanted to move on from Spencer, I was going to have to move out of that place. Actually, I would have to move cities, states, probably countries. Because I knew everything reminded me of Reid.

But that night, for once, I knew I couldn't move on. I wanted to feel Spencer close, 'cos I missed him too much. So I did all the things I knew I shouldn't. I put on one of his shirts and sweaters and took a deep breath, wrapping my arms around me as I got under the covers of my bed, thinking Spencer was there with me. His clothes still smelled like him, and it was intoxicating.

So I did the only thing I could do: I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday was a waste of a day. I had so much paperwork to catch up with, I put on my headphones and created a bubble around me because it was the only way to survive. Lucky for me, Seaver wasn't at the BAU that day. She was at the academy. Maybe that was why Spencer looked so sad. He missed her.

- "SSA (Y/L/N)"- I picked up my phone and turned around as soon as I heard Hotch's voice at the other side of the line, calling me at the end of the workday.

- "(Y/N), can you come to my office, please?"

- "Yes, sir."

I took a deep breath as I walked over, and brushed my hands against my pants, to get rid of any wrinkle or fuzz. When was the last time Hotch had called me to his office? Over a year earlier, after I had an argument with a suspect in the interrogation room. In my defense, she was striking my nerves. Ok, fine, I didn't have a reason.

- "Hi, is everything ok?"- I asked as soon as I showed up in Aaron's office.

- "Close the door, (Y/N), please."

And immediately, the knot in my stomach made me feel like I was being called into the principal's office. I turned around to do as asked and caught Spencer's eyes staring at me as he stood in the middle of the bullpen, clearly worried. And I felt so weak and moved by how concerned he looked; I did the first thing that came to mind: I smiled and waved.

- "Please, sit down,"- Aaron pointed at the chair across from him, and I did as told, again.

- "Is everything ok, Hotch?"- my question came right out of me, my lips moving before I had actually decided to speak.

- "I have been trying to find the right way to say this for the last half hour, and I am sorry, but..."

- "Oh shit! I'm fired! Why do you hate me so much?"- I jumped from my chair, and Aaron quickly followed me, trying to smother my reaction.

- "No, (Y/N). You are not fired! And no, I don't hate you! Calm down!"- I looked at him, confused and still suspicious.

- "Please, sit down. It's actually because I care about you that I didn't know how to tell you this, but I think almost five years is enough time to stay aside from what's been going on."

- "I'm sorry, Hotch, but I don't follow"- he clenched his jaw and sighed, frustrated. I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the speech because my unit chief was clearly trying to find the right words to speak his mind.

- "Listen, (Y/N). This is very hard for me to talk about. I've always tried to keep everybody's personal life aside from the FBI. Unfortunately, your relationship with Reid is starting to affect you at your work."

Clearly, that was why he was so uncomfortable. I turned blood red and looked at my hands resting on my lap. I couldn't look into Hotch's eyes.

- "I don't understand. I don't have a relationship with Spencer."

- "The fact neither of you has acted on your feelings doesn't mean you don't have a relationship."

The words came more upset than what Hotch had intended, so he took a deep breath and walked around his office for a moment.

- "After what happened to Haley, I've given too much thought to many of the decisions I've taken in the last years of my life."

I didn't know how to react to Hotch's words because of all the things I could have thought we would talk about. Listening to my unit chief open his heart and talk about his feelings was definitely not my first guess. Not even the eighth.

- "And I care about you and Reid. I don't want you to have any regrets."

- "Which regrets could I have?"- I don't know why I asked if I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

- "Spencer is in love with you, and you are in love with him. Stop running away from your feelings and face them. Sometimes you have to be courageous and take the first step."

I looked at Aaron Hotchner, almost certain the man sitting in front of me wasn't the same Aaron Hotchner who had once hired me. The man who refused to speak his heart. At least, not me. No way on earth that was Hotch.

- "I know it's strange that I tell you this, and I know I am not comfortable doing this... but... I can see that you two did something wrong, and you should try to fix it before you regret it."

For once, I couldn't argue those words. I knew the speech, but it was useless lying to Hotch. He could see through all my bullshit.

- "I... don't think he feels the same as I do,"- I whispered and kept my eyes on my hands, feeling how my cheeks blushed immediately.

- "You are wrong. You two have been nonsensical, and if I can be sincere, it's getting painful to watch- I winced in a mix of embarrassment and frustration."

- "Hotch... it's not that easy. I don't know if you noticed, but Ashley is the girl who caught his attention."

- "It's the lies that we keep telling ourselves that define what we are instead of who we can really be."- he sentenced, shaking his head- "He loves you. But for the last few weeks, you two have been acting like you are twelve years old."

- "I don't think you are getting all the info straight. I mean... I have tried to tell him."

- "No, you have tried to teach a blind man how to recognize colors,"- now that was Hotch frustrated. He was clearly awkward but also upset I wasn't following his ideas.

- "I'm pretty sure he is with Seaver."

- "He asked never to be paired with Seaver,"- Hotch refuted, frowning. Now that was new information. But I kept refusing to admit anything.

- "Probably not to be suspicious or to make sure his head was in the job."

- "His request was literally: "I don't want to give (Y/N) any sign I like Seaver, 'cos I don't."

Hotch looked at me in silence as I tried to process what he had just said. I couldn't believe it, but at the same time, you can't ever doubt Hotch.

- "Why would he do such a thing?"

- "You have to ask him."

- "Maybe he just doesn't want anyone suspicious about what they have."

- "Why is it so hard to believe? He loves you!"

I opened my mouth to argue with my boss when Anderson knocked on the door and excused himself.

- "Strauss sent you this, sir. She said it's urgent."- Grant said and cut me a small smile before disappearing from the room.

- "Thank you, Anderson."- Hotch said as he went through the papers and sighed.

- "You are busy,"- I inferred and stood up- "We can continue... whatever this was some other time if you'd like."

I stood up, seeing a clear way out of that awkward conversation. I wasn't sure I could open my heart with him.

- "One more thing, (Y/N)"- Hotch said as I stood up and almost ran to the door.

- "What is it?"

- "Tell him how you feel, or I'll have to take action myself."

- "What kind of actions?"

- "Let's hope we don't get to that point."

Hotch's face was severe. He wasn't joking. I just nodded and walked out of his office, scared of what would happen if I ever told Spencer how I felt. But now I was being forced to. That wasn't good.

I looked around, Morgan was packing his things to leave, and Spencer was on the phone, walking to the elevators. Probably he had a date with Ashley, and he was calling her to tell her he was picking her up. I sighed, exhausted, and shook my head.

- "What is it, pretty girl?"- Morgan cut me a warm smile as I reached his side and sighed.

- "I am so tired. I just wanna go home and get under the blankets of my bed with a warm cup of tea and a book."

- "Damn! That sounds thrilling! When is your big date?"- I frowned, groaning. I had totally forgotten about that date.

- "Tomorrow... I'm kind of hoping we get called on a case so I can cancel..."

- "Why?"- Derek looked at me as I started getting ready to go home.

- "'Cos... I don't feel like going."

- "Then don't,"- his answer was so simple I almost laughed.

- "Yeah... I have to go. Did you see the books that guy sent me?"

- "But that doesn't mean you have to go out on a date. You are not forced to do it just 'cos he sent you a present."

- "I know... but I don't know... maybe I'm just too tired and not thinking clearly."

- "Well, go to sleep, pretty girl. And tomorrow, depending on how you are feeling, you can cancel that date. I know someone who would be thrilled to know you won't go out with some guy."

I just shook my head and put on my jacket. I knew he was talking about Reid, but I wasn't in the mood to keep on talking about him with other teammates. Hotch's pep talk had been enough.

- "See you tomorrow, Derek."

Spencer's point of view

My heart dropped as soon as Hotch called (Y/N) to his office. The last time he had done that, she had gotten into trouble with an unsub. She lost her temper in the interrogation room and almost hit the suspect. Had she done something? Was she in trouble? The fact she smiled and waved at me before closing the door made me feel actually worse. Maybe she knew she was in trouble.

I kept looking over from time to time, trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening inside Hotch's office, but I gave up after a few minutes because it was impossible.

I still couldn't shake the thought of (Y/N) being in trouble from my head.

- "Dr. Spencer Reid,"- I answered the phone and didn't take my eye from Hotch's door.

- "Hey Doc, Frank here. How are you?"

- "Hey! Good, how are you?"

- "Good, I was just thinking, is (Y/N) around?"

- "No, she is not. Why? She is with our chief unit... Do you need to reach her?"

- "No. Are you busy tonight?"

- "No, why?"

- "I need to talk to you. Alone."

- "Is everything ok?"- of course, it wasn't. Frank had never called to meet alone unless we were planning (Y/N)'s a surprise birthday party.

- "Yeah, don't worry. I just need to talk to you..."

- "Well... I'm heading home now."

- "Great, I just got off the plane... I can meet you there in an hour if that's ok with you."

- "Sure, see you there."

I had never been so nervous about talking with Frank before. Not even when we first met, and I freaked out thinking of any excuse to avoid going to (Y/N)'s apartment. The memories of that day filled my mind the whole way back home. That was the first time I had ever gotten drunk in my entire life, and I never told that to anyone. I always felt people thought I was a loser, and I didn't want to give them any more reasons to do it. But neither Mikey nor Frank ever laughed at me, though they were clearly cooler than I was. They would have never been my friends in high school.

Were they going to be my friends if (Y/N) and I stopped talking to each other? Of course not. What was going to happen between us? I had no idea, and the headaches overanalyzing everything produced me were driving me insane.

- "Hey man,"- Frank walked in and tapped on my back the second he showed up at my door.

- "How was your flight? Where were you?"

- "New York, applying for a job, but didn't get it,"- he took off his jacket and left it on a chair, as he had always done, despite the fact the hat rack was right next to the door.

- "I'm sorry, Frank."

- "That's ok. It wasn't for me."

- "I was gonna get something for dinner. Wanna join me?"

- "No, this won't take too long, I just..."

Frank sighed and looked at me, standing in the middle of my apartment. He was a little shorter than I was, so I had to look down at him, but that could never affect the fact he could kick my ass. I always knew that about him and Frank. In fact, I had seen them get into small fights a few times in the years I had met them.

And the way Frank looked at me that minute let me know he was actually considering hitting me.

- "Why are you mad at me?"

- "Don't profile me! I hate when you and (Y/N) start doing your Jedi shit."

- "I'm sorry, but... you are clearly not happy with me so, why don't you just say it?"

- "Ok, fine. What the fuck is wrong with you?"- Frank simply replied and crossed his arms on his chest.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You have a girlfriend."

- "What? How do you... I don't!"- Frank just shook his head and started talking, not giving me a chance to explain I wasn't dating anyone.

- "Maybe this is my fault. Lu and Mikey kept telling me you had to tell her what you felt at your own peace! But four fucking years are enough to make up your fucking mind!! We were all sure you loved her, 'cos you did, right? I mean, as long as I know, you still do! I saw you less than a month ago, and you two were fucking husband a wife, for Christ's sake!!"

Frank was now almost yelling at me, and I still didn't understand a word that came from his lips.

- "Frank, what are you talking about?"

- "She fucking loves you!! And we were all waiting for you to date her!! Maybe even marry her!! But now you fucking ruined everything dating someone else! And she is fucking broken hearted!! You fucking hurt her!"- Frank yelled, his nostrils were flaring, and he even cracked his knuckles.

- "Frank, I don't really follow what you are saying, but I can assure you, I am not dating."

- "She already told me everything! You made her cry!!"

- "Who?"- I was so lost in that conversation I wasn't sure I followed him.

- "(Y/N)!! You broke her heart! And now I'm gonna have to break your bones!!"- the way Frank threatened me sounded funny, but it wasn't, at all, why? 'Cos I knew he meant it.

- "Wait!!"- I took a few steps back and raised my hands in a sign of defeat- "Stop it! I am not dating anyone!"

- "Don't lie to me, man. That will just make shit worst."

- "I am not lying! I'm just confused about all this... why would you say I'm dating."

- "(Y/N) told me yesterday."

I stared at Frank, speechless. My eidetic memory going a hundred miles, trying to find a moment in time that gave (Y/N) the impression I had a girlfriend.

- "But... I am not."

- "Then who is Agent Seaver?"- I froze and widened my eyes as Frank crossed his arms on his chest one more time and didn't move his eyes from mine.

- "Oh shit!!"- the curse was a whisper Frank read as a confirmation.

- "And you thought you could keep it from her?"

- "What? No! I am not dating Seaver! I don't even like her!!"- and for the first time since we started arguing, Frank gave me the chance to talk.

- "And why would (Y/N) say that?"

- "I have no idea!!! She hasn't spoken to me this whole week!! Not since I saw her making out with that random guy last Friday."

- "What?! She did what?!"- I feel like a blabbermouth telling Frank what her friend had done, but in my defense, (Y/N) had given him wrong information, and I had to set the record straight.

- "Can you explain to me what the fuck is going on between you two? 'Cos she didn't mention any of that!"

- "Beer?"

Ever since Frank and Mikey were my friends, I always had beers in my fridge. I didn't drink much, but I liked being ready in case they showed up. And they did, 'cos they were my friends.

I stood next to the fridge in the kitchen and took a sip of my beer. Frank stared at me from the other side of the room and waited for my explanation. So I tried to start from the very beginning.

- "I don't know why (Y/N) thinks I'm dating Ashley Seaver, but I am not. I barely talk to her."

- "Who is she?"

- "A young agent Emily is training in the BAU... she and (Y/N) don't get along from the start 'cos Seaver's dad killed Mrs. (Y/L/N)'s sister back in college."

- "What?!"- Frank was in shock.

- "Yeah, it's been pretty awkward since day one."

- "And what? She tried to apologize, and (Y/N) nearly killed her?"

- "That was day one. Everything went downhill from there. But I don't get why she thinks we are dating. I barely talk to Seaver. I specifically asked our unit chief not to pair me with her at any case or task to make sure (Y/N) wouldn't think I liked her."

- "Clearly, that didn't work,"- Frank pointed out the obvious and grabbed his phone- "We should ask (Y/N) why..."

- "No!! Please don't!! I don't want her to know we are talking about this,"- I almost choked on the beer when I heard him say that and nearly jumped to take the phone from his hand.

- "Why?"- I didn't have a reason. I just didn't want to do anything that might actually make things worse.

- "Because..."- I didn't pronounce another sentence. I literally deflated after just one word.

- "Shit, that's deep,"- Frank joked and sipped his beer- "If you are not dating Seaver, why haven't you told (Y/N) you love her?"

I opened my mouth to argue but stopped in my tracks and simply shrugged. It felt useless to deny it anymore. Apparently, everybody could see it but (Y/N). And if she did see it, then it just meant one thing:

- "Because she doesn't love me back. Now she is the one dating some random guy she met at a party."

- "The one she kissed Friday?"- Frank raised an eyebrow as I just nodded- "She probably did that out of anger is she thought you were dating Seaver."

- "You didn't see her, Frank. She didn't look hurt at all. She actually looked like she was enjoying it."

- "Well... I didn't see her, and you are right about that. But I've seen her for the last... five years or so. She loves you. You should ask her out on a date, finally."

- "Why would she go out with me?"- I asked, embarrassed of facing my feelings so openly in front of Frank. But he just shrugged and said.

- "I just said so, 'cos she loves you."

Now that was just painful to hear, especially 'cos Frank actually meant it.

- "She doesn't."- I whispered and sipped my beer.

- "Sorry, but I wasn't asking you if you thought she loved you. I am telling you, she does. Now, if you don't want to believe it, that's an entirely different story.

The way Frank looked at me, saying everything so lightly, like it wasn't a big deal at all, shocked me. He had always been upfront about pretty much everything since day one. But still, that day, I wasn't prepared for that. I stayed quiet, looking at the floor, not knowing what to say.

- "Shit! You really don't believe she has feelings for you!! Are you blind?!"

- "Frank, she is my best friend in the whole world. I don't want to lose her..."

- "Why would you lose her? Just 'cos you love her?"

- "If she doesn't feel the same... and I tell her how I feel..."- I started mumbling, but Frank snorted, frustrated.

- "She is so fucking in love with you; it's hard not making fun of it!! She way she looks at you, how she is always worried about you!"

- "She does the same for you, guys."

- "I've met that woman since when we were kids, and believe me, she has never treated us the way she treats you. We are still waiting for her to bake us birthday cakes. She bakes yours every year. Last year's cake was sick! She fucking made the whole Tell-tale heart scene on your fucking cake and hid a heart in the middle of it!! You know what she did for my birthday? She wrapped the guitar strings she got me. That was it. If that doesn't tell you how in love she is with you, I've got a fucking list of things she has done for you all these years! So fucking deal with it and tell her what you feel!"

- "I can't! I just can't do that!"- I yelled back at Frank, for once opening up about what I really felt- "Every time I look at her, and she smiles, my whole brain turns to mush! I can't tell her I love her 'cos she will laugh. A girl like her deserves everything a man can give her! Have you seen me? She deserves so much better!!"

I'm not gonna lie. It felt good finally saying what I felt out loud. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. Frank just walked over and tapped on my back a few times, nodding.

- "She fucking loves you! You should be with her! That's it! Why are you overthinking this?!"

- "'Cos I don't wanna ruin it!"

- "You two have wasted like four years! I told her I wanted you two to date since the day I fucking met you! She had to ditch Paul and date you! But she is so fucking convinced you don't love her, she is..."

- "What?"- my heart stopped at those words- "Did she say so?"

- "She did, in fact, yell to me I had to stop telling her you loved her 'cos she knew it was a lie, and that's why she was in so much pain. When did that happen, you ask? Fucking yesterday, so don't come here and tell me she is dating some random guy she kissed at a party when she is clearly in love with you."

I don't know how to explain what that felt like. It was heartbreaking and, at the same time... encouraging?

- "She loves me?"- I asked Frank, still not fully understanding our conversation.

- "Doc, she fucking went behind your boss's back to stay with you in Las Vegas to help you figure out the case of a kid you thought your dad had killed. She fought Gideon when he told her she was a bad influence for you. She hates Lila Archer's movies because of you. I've seen her yell at the tv!"

- "What?"- that was too much information.

- "Just please, fix this shit and tell her you love her"

- "How?"- I honestly asked 'cos I didn't know how to do that. Frank frowned and finished his beer, leaving the bottle on the counter.

- "I don't know, man. Give her a romantic speech about what a big ass you've been all this time thinking she didn't feel the same, ask her to forgive you, and fucking kiss her!!"

- "Ok... how do I do that?"

- "I don't know, doc! You are the genius here!"

- "Actually, I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified... and I have no idea what to do..."

- "Yeah, clearly, this is not your forte. I'll give you that"- I shook my head as Frank stared at me, finally a smile curling on his lips.

- "You know everything she likes. There's no way you can go wrong. Just go to her house and tell her the words she wants to hear: I love you."

I nodded and tried to engrave those simple instructions in my head 'cos I knew I was going to ruin it: go there, say I love you. That was it. It was simple. I could do that. Right?

- "Do you need a ride?"- Frank asked and threw me my jacket.

- "Yes... I think I do."

- "Ok, doc, let's do this!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

I held my cup of tea with both hands and smiled, finally relaxing. That was just what I needed after a long miserable day. I sat on the couch, resting my feet on the table right in front of me, and sighed.

- "Sure, make yourself home."- Lu joked as she walked over with a bowl of popcorn and sat by my side.

- "Hey! I took off my shoes! I know you hate it when I leave footprints on your furniture."

- "How considered!!"- Lu joked as I grinned - "You should definitely come more often then."

- "I promise I will..."

- "And when are you gonna talk to the doc?"- I simply shrugged and focused on the tv in front of me.

- "(Y/N), you do realize you just spent two hours finally coming to your senses, right? I don't care if it's 'cos your boss is pushing you to do it. You have to tell Spencer you love him."

I pouted and groaned, but I knew she was right.

- "First, I have to cancel my date with James."

- "Yeah, do that now."

- "No, I don't wanna face reality today. I'll call him tomorrow around noon. I'm gonna tell him I'm on a case out of town, and I won't be able to make it for dinner."

- "Why don't you just tell him you are not interested 'cos you are in love with your best friend?"- I looked at Lu and widened my eyes- "Oh, come on!! We already passed the initial shock. We all knew you've been in love with Spencer for what seems to be ages!! I knew you loved him since you have him the scarf you knitted."

- "That was ages ago!"- I smiled and sighed- "He still wears it every winter"

- "Of course, he does, 'cos he loves you."

- "Do you really think he does?"

- "Are you serious? That man has been crazy for you since day one! He has been unconditional to you! You two can talk about your nerdy things for hours! Watching you is actually endearing. I had never seen two people just looking at each other with such love before! So please! Just do the right thing and tell him you love him."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I had concluded I had to tell Spencer I loved him because Hotch was right; it was affecting my work. I had to put an end to all that nonsense. Lu kept telling me Spencer would tell me he loved me too, but I was sure he wouldn't. Still, each time she tried to convince me, she made a point.

- "And he took you to Hawaii."

- "He didn't even touch me."

- "So? He hates the beach! The man hates the sun, the sand, and the seawater, and what did he do? He took you for ten days to a resort to the beach 'cos that's what you wanted."

- "His doctor told him the sea breeze was good for his lungs after the whole anthrax incident."

- "Anthrax, my ass! He wanted to make you happy, no matter if that meant being miserable for ten days. If that shit ain't love, then I have no idea what it is!!"

Lu was mad. She had cursed. I looked at her and just nodded.

- "And when you two have your first kid, I wanna be the godmother."

- "Lu, aren't you going a little fast?"

- "No. You two have been too slow with our confessions, so it's time someone speeds this up."

I drove back home around midnight. I was weary, and my body needed a good six hours of sleep after that miserable day. But I knew I wasn't going to get much rest. The idea of telling Spencer how I really felt was too scary, and I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with the plan. I didn't even have a plan. I just knew I had to do it before Hotch took the matter into his hands. Whatever that meant.

It was sad getting to my empty apartment. It felt cold and impersonal. I missed having Spencer around. We hadn't talked in a week, and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. If things didn't go well, I thought I could get a cat. I had always wanted one but never actually decided to take the big step and adopt one. I could go to the shelter and get a kitty.

I poured myself one last cup of tea and walked to my bedroom. Spencer's shirt I had worn as a pajama the night before was still on my bed, and I guessed there was no harm if I wore it again. I got under the covers and wrapped my own arms around my waist. I wondered if there would be a day when Spencer would cuddle me to sleep in our shared bed. Not like friends, like we had done so many times. It was embarrassing to think how many of those nights I had fallen asleep pretending Spencer was my boyfriend.

- "I am in love with you."- I whispered and sighed, closing my eyes.

What would Spencer do if I ever said those terrifying words out loud? I could almost see him freaking out in front of me. He wouldn't know what to do or what to say. If he didn't love me back, he would try to find the most careful way to reject me. He would reassure me he loved me, just not like that. But our friendship would be ruined anyway. I could never see him in the eyes after feeling his rejection. If he didn't love me, I was going to lose my best friend.

Sometimes, I felt Spencer was my soulmate. Lu was right; I had denied my feelings for too long. Had I wasted years of happiness with my honey bunny? Was it too late to tell him how I really felt?

I practiced my speech until two in the morning, rolling in my cold bed, alone, until I finally fell asleep. At seven am, I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I got ready for the day. That Friday was the day I was going to tell Spencer I loved him. I had to look my best. So I put on a lovely dress that always made me feel pretty, though I couldn't find my matching and favorite silk scarf. I did my hair nicely and put on a decent amount of makeup, primarily to hide the big dark rings under my eyes.

I stopped by Spencer's favorite coffee shop on my way to work and got him a cup of coffee and a box of donuts. I took a deep breath as I got out of my car and reminded myself I was doing the right thing. My plan was simple: I was going to give Spencer the coffee and the donuts as an apology for not talking to him in the lastest days. I was going to cancel my date with James, and I was going to ask Spencer out. Maybe like a date, and confess my true feelings for him.

But my plan was ruined before I even reached the main building. I walked through the parking lot and saw Spencer getting out of Ashley's car, holding a cup of coffee. They looked like the lovely young couple they were, after getting breakfast together... after spending the night together...

My broken heart kept breaking as I stared at the scene from a safe distance. I was right. I was too late to fight for Spencer. I had wasted all the chances I had ever had to be with him, and now I couldn't ruin his happiness. If he wanted to be with Ashley, I had to do the right thing and get out of his way.

I hurried up inside the main building and rushed into the elevator. I took deep breaths, trying to hold the tears inside. Whatever happened, I was not going to let Spencer see me cry. I grabbed the box of donuts and the coffee and hesitated when I reached the bullpen. Hotch was already in his office, talking with Rossi. I looked around, knowing Reid was about to get in there with Ashley, and I needed to hide from them.

- "I'm so glad you are here!!"- Penelope turned from her computer, surprised to see me rushing into her office.

- "Hey, munchkin!"

- "How is my favorite tech genius this morning? I got you breakfast!"- I could pretend to be hyper and happy, right?

- "And I love you so much!!"- Penelope smiled and grabbed the coffee- "Smells... delicious!"

- "Only the best for my dearest friend"- she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Of course!! I had a good night of sleep, and tonight, if no fucking psycho killers ruin my day, I am going to have a date with a hot guy who is so into me. He already sent me an expensive present, which by no means makes me feel pressured, not even a little! No!"

I freaked out immediately, thinking I had a date with a guy I didn't even like.

- "Ok, baby, sit down"- Penelope tapped on the chair next to her and looked at me with worried eyes- "Are you getting cold feet about this date?"

- "I just... I don't know how I feel about that date. I was ready to cancel, and now... I think I just should go."

I definitely wasn't telling Garcia what had happened earlier; how I was going to tell Spencer I love him until I saw him in Ashley's car. Why? Well, first, I didn't want to cry at work. Second, she would say I had to tell Spencer how I felt. And third, she would tell Morgan.

Penelope sipped her coffee and frowned. Still, she didn't say a word. Instead, she looked right into my eyes and whispered.

- "If you don't wanna go out with him, you don't have to."

- "I know. I just wish I wanted to... do you know what I mean?"

- "I do... "- Garcia nodded and sighed- "Munchkin, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, really."

- "Thank you"- I rested my head on her shoulder and just sighed. We both stayed quiet for a moment until my dear friend questioned.

- "Why did you give me Spencer's coffee?"

- "Wh... what?"- I felt so caught I actually stuttered.

- "This is not almond milk. This is filled with dairy, both milk, and cream... and the amount of sugar in this is..."

- "Oh, please!! Can you just pretend I fooled you?!"- I was mortified- "It's fucking eight in the morning, and the day has already turned as awful as it could be."

- "Come on, baby"- Garcia tried to soothe me- "You know life can always get worse, so let's start by being honest. Why didn't you give Spencer the breakfast you got for him?"

- "For not being a profiler, you are creepy good reading people, you know?"

- "Yes, I am a genius. You should have noticed that earlier in life. That wasn't so bright from you, profiler,"- she teased, trying to make me laugh. And I actually chuckled.

- "Good, I got a smile. Now, tell me what happened."

- "But I don't wanna cry at work... and Hotch already called me out for being unprofessional about this whole Spencer's thing."

- "What? When?"

- "Yesterday, he said I have to tell Spencer what I actually feel for him, or he is gonna take matters into his hands."

- "What did he mean by that?"

- "I have no idea! But it sounded serious,"- I sighed, defeated, and sipped my coffee- "So after zero sleeping for days and a very awkward talk with our unit chief, plus the threats from one of my closest friends, I had decided to tell Spencer that I..."

I couldn't even say it

- "What I feel for him, today."

- "Today?! With this breakfast I am eating?"- and of course, PG freaked out.

- "Well, I was going to give him food as an offering for ignoring him this week... then I was going to ask him out tonight, and that's when I wanted to tell him... but..."

I paused and took a deep breath, doing my best not to cry. I really didn't want to show how hurt I was, though I was almost sure my dear friend Garcia could see it clearly in my eyes.

- "Just please, don't tell Morgan."

- "My adorable munchkin, I don't tell everything about you and our resident genius to Derek!"

- "Yeah, but... I just... feel so..."

- "Good morning, Garcia!"- I bit my lips as soon as I heard Ashley's voice storming into my friend's office- "I brought you coffee!"

Penelope held my hand and squeezed it as soon as she noticed my mood shift.

- "Hi!"- and my dear friend was so awkward it could have actually been fun if I wasn't so angry.

- "Oh, hi (Y/N), I didn't know you were here already..."

- "Yeah, we were having breakfast, actually,"- I pointed at our coffees and donuts, and Ashley nodded, blushing.

- "Sorry... I didn't know you were here... I didn't get you any..."

- "No, don't worry, Ashley. It's not like you know you I actually work here too,"- I wasn't even trying to be polite with her anymore. I hated her. Hotch was going to be so mad...

Seaver just stared at us and nodded in silence. Then, she turned around and left, closing the door behind her back. I groaned and nearly hit my head against the desk.

- "Wow, you are not even pretending for the cameras."

- "That was me trying not to kill her, actually. If she walked out on her own, then it was a very successful encounter."

- "What the hell, (Y/N)?"

- "I was gonna tell him, and then I saw him getting out of her car in the parking lot..."

- "Spencer Reid?!"- Penelope freaked out. I just nodded- "Dr. Spencer Reid?? The nerd in love with you? Getting out of her car?"

- "And carrying breakfast, like a lovely young couple. I bet they banged last night."

- "No way!"

- "Why not?!"

- "Because he loves you, and no one calls it "bang" anymore!" Where have you been?"

- "Penelope!"- my friend smiled at me and offered me a donut, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and resting her head against mine.

- "My dearest munchkin. Don't let this stop you. You were on a mission this morning."

- "They banged, fucked, had sex, call it what you want!! I am not telling Reid anything!! And I guess I'm going out with James tonight 'cos... if I don't, I'm gonna die alone, and my cat is gonna eat me!!"

I was nonsensical. I knew it. But there was nothing that could stop me from being absurd. I was scared and hurt. I actually thought I was going to go crazy.

I stayed with Penelope for a while, trying to cool my head. I didn't want to snap with Seaver again. I knew it had been a mistake. I saved Hotch a donut and asked him if I could work in JJ's old office. I told him I wanted to concentrate and that I really needed the time alone. Of course, he could see through my bullshit.

- "I told you, if you don't fix things with Reid, I am going to intervene."

- "I am going to do it, sir. Just... after I get all this paperwork done. I'll talk to him this weekend."- I looked into Hotch's eyes, trying my best to lie correctly. Do you have any idea what lying to the best profiler in the FBI felt like? It was mission impossible.

- "Good, (Y/N). I'm glad to know you've made the right decision."

- "Thank you, sir."

Spencer's point of view

After I got out of Frank's car, holding a bouquet of flowers, I forced him to help me get in our way over. It took me almost half an hour to walk from the sidewalk to the door of (Y/N)'s building.

- "I am in love with you,"- I whispered and shook my head, knowing she deserved better than that simple confession. I took the stairs, trying to improve my speech.

- "I have always been in love with you, from the minute I first saw you,"- I whispered and wiped off the sweat from my hands against the fabric of my jacket. It sounded terrible. I knew I was going to get it all wrong.

- "What am I doing?"- I stopped in my tracks before I reached her floor- I can't do this.

I literally froze and felt sick in my stomach. I couldn't do that. What was I doing? How had I let Frank talk to me into doing something so stupid? What was I getting into? I couldn't do it.

For a minute or so, I stood in the middle of the stairs, not able to move or formulate a single coherent thought. I was trying to

But if I didn't, and she loved me... I was going to lose everything I had ever dreamed of and that I never imagined I could have. No, I had to do it. I had to tell (Y/N) I loved her. And I had to do it that day. "Your head is spinning because it's full of ghosts," I remembered Julio's words and took a deep breath.

I ran the last steps of the stairs and reached her door, panting. But I didn't wait. I knocked on her door and waited.

- (Y/N), it's Spencer. Are you home?- but nothing. So I knocked again.

- Chipmonk, please open the door. I know I've been an asshole this whole week, but I need to talk to you. There is something you should know.

But nothing. Just silence. I knocked a few more times and patiently waited. No answer. I thought about it for a second and took the key she had given me years ago in case of any emergency. I had ended up using that key a million times, not really for many emergencies. I used it to prepare her surprise birthday party many times or come in when she knew I was coming. Or when I stayed over for the weekend, and it was my turn to pick up something from the store. So that day, I used it and opened her door.

Walking into (Y/N)'s apartment felt like walking into her arms. It smelled like her, and it felt like home. I took a look around, calling out her name. But she wasn't there.

Her place was kind of messy. There were many blankets on the couch and some clothes lying around. Man's clothes. For a moment, my heart sank. I thought maybe James was spending time there too. But soon, I realized...It was my clothes. I walked into her room and saw her unmade bed. My old red sweater was on her pillow, and some of the shirts she liked were close as well.

Why was she surrounded by my things? Did she... miss me that much? Could it be Frank was actually right? She loved me and missed me? I looked around and tried to find confirmation, though I felt overwhelmed by emotion at the moment.

(Y/N) loved me. There was a chance she actually loved me the way I did.

I fell on her bed and contained tears that almost started falling down my eyes. There might be a chance she loved me, and I refused to ruin it. She couldn't find me in her house out of the blue. She deserved better than that. She deserves the world. So I quickly collected all my things and walked to the door to think of a better way to confess my undying love. Undying, cheesy, and yet, honest.

But before I was out, I walked back to her room and opened her closet. If she had all my clothes to think of me, I wanted a souvenir too. My eyes traveled quickly through all the items hanging until her purple satin scarf caught my eye. I loved how she looked on it, and it smelled like her. I hid it in my pocket and walked out of her apartment.

Not even the tiny bouquet of flowers I had gotten her seemed to be enough. Frank said she'd love them, but... it just wasn't good enough for her.

I had a lot of planning to do. And I have no idea where to start. I had high standards to beat. After all, I had read all of the romantic books (Y/N) had in her house and seen all the romantic comedies she loved. All of those more than ten times. So... how was I going to do it? Was I going to pour my heart out to her in the most romantic way possible and finish with:

- "I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him,"- I said out loud as I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee.

No. That didn't feel right. It had to be better. Who was (Y/N)'s biggest love reference? Mr. Darcy. How had he done it? Well... he didn't do it right the first time, so he started making amends with a letter. I could begin with a letter. After all, I had written (Y/N) many love letters I had never given her in all those years. Letters that contained all my feelings for her as a way of letting it out of my chest. But they were never meant for her to see.

I sat at my desk and grabbed my favorite pen. But before I could actually start writing, I noticed I needed music, romantic music, for inspiration. I picked the same Amy Winehouse vinyl record I had been listening to for the last couple of days and walked back to my seat.

Writing a love letter wasn't easy. Putting facts into words, that's a task I can complete, no questions asked. But that Thursday night, I struggled with every sentence I created. I wasn't a writer and neither a man who had any kind of experience with love or being in love. Less with confessing such feelings. But I had to give my best.

Around one in the morning, I finished the third version of that letter. Frank had texted me to know if things had gone well, but I told him she wasn't home.

- "Don't worry, Paco,"- I said and smiled while holding her silk scarf- "Tomorrow is the day."

My wristwatch said four in the morning when I stopped painting and decided to get into bed. I had to get at least two hours of sleep. Not that (Y/N) had never seen my insomniac face before, but I needed to, at least try, to look presentable for her. After writing, my mind was flooded with emotion, and I couldn't stop thinking about everything we've been through all those years together. (Y/N) and I. we had been best friends for so long, yet, I could now see our friendship had always been a little different. We were closer... sidekicks... lovers without kissing. I needed to feel her hand in mine. Her arms around me. But it was only a few more hours.

Was she going to like me in the morning? I felt butterflies in my stomach just with the idea of confessing my feelings. I set everything ready and went to bed. I barely had the energy to put on my pajamas and turn off the lights. (Y/N)'s scarf wrapped softly on my wrist.

I frowned, baffled and lost, when I opened the door the following morning and found Ashley at the other side.

- "Can I talk to you for a moment?"- she whispered and handed me a fresh cup of coffee- "I brought you a peace offering for being so obnoxious the other day."

It was clear Ashley was honest, and she was embarrassed about her behavior. Otherwise, she wouldn't have shown up at my door. So I smiled and nodded, trying to show her I wasn't mad at her.

- "Water under the bridge"- I whispered and held the coffee she gave me. No milk, no cream, no sugar. Just like (Y/N) liked it. Ashley noticed how I prepared coffee at the BAU but never realized I wasn't making myself a cup. I was making (Y/N)'s.

- "I am very embarrassed... and I really like working with you... regardless of everything I said. I don't..."

- "We can pretend that never happened,"- I interrupted her, and she just smiled and nodded.

- "I would like that. I am sorry I was rude... Do you want a ride to work? We are a little late."

I thought about it for a second. I wanted to stop by and get (Y/N) more flowers, but we were late, and I wasn't planning on telling her how I felt until later that night.

- "Sure, let's go."

(Y/N) was nowhere to be found that day, and that immediately got me on my nerves. Her things were on her desk, but she wasn't there.

- "Hey García, have you seen (Y/N)?"- I walked in and watched her stay still, shocked.

- "Hello there, Dr. Reid. How are you today? Nice to see you too."

- "Sorry!"- I cut her an awkward smile and waved- "Hi! How are you?"

- "The damage is already done, Dr. Reid. Clearly, you are not here looking for my companionship."

- "Sorry, I just haven't seen (Y/N) today. You?"

- "Yes, my pretty chipmunk was here earlier, and that's all I know. Why?"- Garcia raised an eyebrow and looked into my eyes- "Why are you so interested in her?"

I didn't know if it was because I had spent most of the night planning to confess (Y/N) my feelings, but Penelope's question sounded suspicious. I tried to act normal and just frowned.

- "I just wanted to know if she was here 'cos I haven't seen her around."

- "She had work to do, and I think she had a meeting with Hotch."

- "Again?!"- I couldn't help but raise my voice, scared of the idea of (Y/N) being scolded by Hotch for two days in a row.

- "But she had a meeting with him yesterday!"- I argued, but Garcia just shrugged.

- "That's all I know. Also, she brought donuts"- I stared at her dish. Chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles. My favorites.

- "Do you know if she... got one of those for me?"

- "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"- Garcia questioned back and raised an eyebrow

- "I would, but I don't know where she is."

- "Besides... didn't you have breakfast already?"

- "There's always room for a donut... for my favorite donut."

Penelope raised an eyebrow, trying to read beyond my words. Was I just talking about donuts, or was I talking about (Y/N)? Did she actually mean breakfast? Of course, she did. Garcia wasn't implying anything else! I was just overthinking everything!

Right?

- "I'll see if she is still with Hotch."

- "Hey, Reid"- Penelope called out my name when I was about to reach the door- "When you see her, you should tell her it's her breakfast you are interested in. No other."

I stared at Garcia and opened my mouth. But no word came from it. I just know I blushed and nodded, leaving her office soon after.

But I didn't find (Y/N) during that whole day. And it was both frustrating and nerve-wracking. The letter I wrote her kept burning me, as I felt it in my jacket's pocket, beating like a second heart. I wasted a whole paperwork day trying to concentrate, but I couldn't. I managed to get the least work done in years, 'cos my mind focused on her. On (Y/N). In her absence.

By the end of the day, I had lost all hope of finding her around and did what all desperate men would do. I waited by her car in the parking lot.

Around six-thirty, I heard her shoes approaching the vehicle, and my heart stopped when I saw her eyes in mind, nearly shocked to find me there.

- "Hi"- that was all I managed to say. My voice was a whisper that even I barely heard.

- "What are you doing here?"

- "I was waiting for you. I thought it was obvious."

I smiled and tried to ease her mood. But it didn't work. She looked so mad at me, though those few words were the longest conversation we had shared in over a week. Why was she mad at me? Was it too cheesy to tell her she looked adorable when she was mad? Of course, it was. I still took a mental note to tell her that later on. Maybe later that same evening if things went well.

- "Why?"- (Y/N) frowned and opened her car, and threw her purse in the back seat.

- "I wanted to talk to you."

- "I can't, Spencer. I am late,"- she called me by my name, and that reality check hurt me.

- "Late for your date with James?"

- "I don't feel like talking about that with you. Goodbye, Spencer."

- "Wait. (Y/N), stop."- I held her arm and felt her whole body shiver under my touch. I would have held her longer, but she pulled her arm from my grip and frowned- "Why are you so mad at me?"

- "Mad? I am not mad!"- I know she was a good liar, but she was so mad her whole body language gave it away, along with her high-pitched voice.

- "I think you are... Why?"- I tried to move closer, but she crossed her arms on her chest and stood next to the opened passenger door. Ready to escape.

- "I am just in a hurry, Spencer. That's it."

There it was, the confirmation of her anger. My name, leaving her lips with fury. I wanted to hold her. I needed to feel her close, with a desperation I had never experienced before. I was craving for her. And there she was, right in front of me, refusing to even look at me.

- "Can you just... give me a chance to talk to you?"- my words came as a whisper, almost as a beg.

- "Isn't someone else waiting for you?"

- "Me? No. No one,"- I answered, confused by what she was implying- "I just need to talk to you. Please."

- "Sorry, I'm late. But... maybe..."- (Y/N) hesitated and looked at someone else walking close to us. I didn't even bother. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

- "Would you... would you take this?"- I held the letter and gave it to her. She hesitated before taking it, and my heart nearly burst at the thought of her holding my love confession in her hands.

- "What's this?"

- "Can you read it?"- but it only lasted for a second. (Y/N) shook her head and gave me back my letter.

- "Not now, I'm late."

- "(Y/N), please."

- "No, Reid. I can't read this now. I am late."

- "Please, (Y/N). I need to tell you something."

- "And I need to leave. So, bye."

(Y/N) slipped through my fingers like water. I stayed still, staring at her as she disappeared, and cursed myself under my breath for being so petrified to act. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated with myself.

- "I love you. I don't want you to go out with him. You should be with me."

It was liberating to say those words out loud even though she wasn't there to listen.

- "Nice kid. Now next time, say it when she can hear you."

I recognized Morgan's voice behind me. And I guess I could have felt embarrassed if I wasn't so frustrated already. And most of all, so mad at myself. I had practiced. I had tried. I knew what I had to say. But when I was with her, I just couldn't. And now he was out there on her way to date another man.

I felt Derek's hand on my shoulder, tapping on it a few times. I sighed and nodded.

- "Come on. First-round is on me."

It only took Morgan two rounds to get me talking. To be fair, I wanted to speak. He had already heard what I wanted (Y/N) to know.

- "I just wanna tell her I love her. I need to tell her what I feel for her 'cos now I can see there might be a chance she loves me too."

- "Might be a chance?"- Morgan frowned and shook his head- "Kid, that woman is head over feet in love with you. And she has been for years. I just can't believe you've wasted all these years!!"

- "I can't believe I am sitting here with you when she is out there on a date with some other man!!"- I nearly yelled and drank what was left of my third whisky, immediately raising my hand, asking for another round. Derek raised an eyebrow as he stared at me, and somehow it felt like he was mad at me for something.

- "Kid. You know I love you, but you've been so fucking stupid and blind it's been painful for us to watch! You've had so many chances to be with her! She has been crazy in love with you ever since she was dating that other guy!!"

- "Paul? That was ages ago!"- I said ages to sound less obsessive, but I knew exactly how long it had been since they had broken up. It was also the amount of time I had spent without using Dilaudid.

- "Well, she loved you even back there! I bet you are the reason they broke up!"

- "No, I wasn't"- I sighed, thinking I wished I was, but I knew (Y/N) had broken up with him 'cos she didn't love him.

- "Why are you so sure?"

- "She told me"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at me so severely- "What?"

- "Back then, that girl got into trouble for arguing with Lila Archer. Remember?"

- "Eidetic memory, Morgan. Of course, I remember."

- "Sorry, genius"- the waitress arrived with our fourth round, and my body felt way more relaxed by them. Also, my tongue started to slur as I spoke.

- "My pretty pumpkin actually called Lila, and I quote: "annoying, always ignoring our orders, keeping herself in danger, not helping, being a squeamish little princess who is used to do whatever the fuck she wants, and who didn't care to put people around her in danger."- I chuckled remembering that conversation- "And then she joked saying "Of course you were oblivious to all this 'cos you couldn't stop staring at her."

- "Ok, Reid, that's what girls say when they are jealous! And she was clearly jealous of Lila! When she saw you two in that pool? I thought (Y/N) was gonna kill her! I swear I was waiting for her to jump into the pool and end with her!"- Morgan laughed, picturing the scene in his mind. I sipped my whisky, not quite sure he was into something there.

- "I really think she didn't like her 'cos she found her annoying. (Y/N) finds most people annoying."

- "And not you. What does that tell us?"

- "That I am not annoying"- Morgan looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but stayed quiet. And instead, he just chuckled.

- "What about that waitress?"

- "Who?"

- "The one you picked up in the bar with a magic trick?"

- "I didn't pick on her!! I was doing my work and..."

- "And you got her phone number, and she sent you that card with a kiss..."- Morgan stared at me, waiting for a reaction- "Ok, in case you didn't notice, (Y/N) was jealous of her too."

- "She was mad 'cos she said I was unprofessional."

- "Ok, fine, whatever. And now, what's the plan, casanova? When are you telling her you love her?"

- "Now, tonight, after this drink,"- and I hurried to drink it faster.

- "What?"

- "I've got a love letter like Darcy gave to Lizzy."

- "Who the fuck are those?"

- "Her favorite characters from her favorite book"- I explained, annoyed, and drunk- "They were in love but never acted on it 'cos they were both proud and held severe prejudices against each other. So when he told her he loved her, it was a mess. Then, he wrote her a letter trying to explain to her why he had been nonsensical. Then she read it and realized she loved him, but thought it was too late, so both of them acted like nothing was going on until they realized they had been fools, and Darcy confessed his love, and she told him she loved him too..."

There was a blank stare in Morgan's eyes when I was done speaking.

- "How many times have you read that?"

- "Today? Eleven"

The way Morgan wide opened his eyes, shocked, made me think maybe I had overreacted with how many times I read Pride and Prejudice. But he didn't say anything, just nodded.

- "Ok, kid, you can't talk to her today."

- "Why now? I was actually going to drop by her apartment and read the letter."

- "Spencer, you are drunk."

- "I am not!"- I was, in fact, intoxicated.

- "Prove it!"- Derek dared me, chuckling

- "How? Want me to walk on a line and touch my nose with my fingers?"

- "Go talk to those girls over there"- he pointed at a bunch of women who kept flirting with him from a distance at the bar counter.

- "Why would I do that? I am in love! I just told you I am about to confess my true feelings to the one woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I swear, Morgan, if she says she loves me, I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

- "What?!"- my friend nearly choked with his drink.

- "Yeah! I've wasted too much time! I wanna marry that woman! In fact! I'm gonna tell her that right now!"- I stood up too quickly, and the whole room started spinning. Morgan grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down again.

- "Hold on, Reid! You need a round of water before we leave this bar."

- "No, Derek, you don't get it. I finally see everything clear now!! It's all clear!! I've loved her for so long... and maybe Frank is right, maybe she has loved me all along."

- "Dude, that's literally what I've been telling you for the last hour!!"- Morgan nearly yelled, frustrated.

- "Yeah, but Frank has been her best friend since they were four! Can you imagine? Little (Y/N) at four, playing... our kid would be so cute if they are like her."

- "Ok, Reid, you are creeping me out"

- "Why?"- I couldn't understand why Morgan was so shocked. I thought he wanted to know how I felt.

- "For the last five years, you've been in love with her, and you've denied it over and over again. And now suddenly, you get drunk and spill your heart open."

- "I just... I don't want these ghosts haunting me anymore. Julio was right!"

- "You lost me, man"

- "Our last case in Miami. My head was killing me, and Julio knew it. He said it was this job and everything I was bottling up that was driving me insane. Now I can see it clearly! I have to tell (Y/N) how I feel for her! That woman is the love of my life! She saved my life!!"

- "Calm down, Spencer."

- "Calm down?? She is out there with that guy!! What if they kiss again? What if they fuck?! No way! We have to stop her. I have to stop her!!"

I don't know how I got out of that chair and stormed out of the bar.

- "Reid! Wait!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

James was hot. Yes, that's true. I can't deny what's real. I saw him talking at the other side of the table, being charming, being fucking perfect. And there I was, not feeling anything. Nothing. Good old (Y/N) a few years ago would have been crazy for that guy. Before I met Spencer. But after Spencer.... There was nothing after him. And I could see it. I could feel it inside of me. How he had ruined me without even touching me. Does that make any kind of sense?

- "So, what do you do when you are not fighting crime?"- James asked me with the most charming smile. I just sighed and tried to look interested. I honestly wanted to try. But I soon realized everything I could answer included Spencer.

- "I am a big nerd, so I'm getting ready to go to Comicon this year."

- "In costume?!"- he widened his eyes and smiled, excited

- "Yes, of course. In costume is the only way to go to Comicon,"- in costume with Reid...

- "And which is your costume this year?"

- "Slave Leia"- James smiled mischievously and ran his tongue through his lips.

- "I won't miss this Comicon."

- "I also like hanging out with my friends. I usually host dinner parties 'cos I love cooking,"- with Spencer...

- "That's awesome, 'cos I love eating. Are you into board games?"

- "Yeah! Love them! We usually play a lot."

We. Spencer, and I.

I was doomed. I was never going to love anyone else. Spencer was overshadowing everything I might like about James. What did I actually like about James? That he was interested in me. Was Spencer interested in me? Lu said so. Garia said so. Emily said so. But I didn't. Why? Why couldn't I believe Spencer might love me? Was I terrified to lose him as a friend, or was I petrified to lose myself in him? Was I scared to be loved by him? To be happy? To have someone to love me, want me, and make me happy?

Was I scared of being loved by Reid? Of being happy with him? 'Cos each time I thought about it, it didn't feel like Spencer was just a guy I had a crush on or a guy I had fallen for. It felt like he was the love of my life, my happy ending. My forever after. And that scared the shit out of me. I've always been scared I would ruin the love of my life like my parents had destroyed their happiness. I knew the job was going to get in the middle. And I was already in love with my job.

Well... so was Reid.

In fact, we shared that love. We did everything together, including working. And god, I loved being in the field with him. I hated the fear of losing him I often felt whenever we were together, but the thrill of catching an unsub with Reid, of saving lives together. Nothing could ever compare to that. Well, maybe sex with Spencer, but I didn't know it for a fact. I wished I knew...

- "(Y/N)?"- James was looking at me, waiting for an answer. But I never got the questions. I was just lost in the thought of Spencer.

- "Sorry, you were saying?"

- "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere else... Maybe you could show me your record collection."

Dinner was over. We had our dessert and coffee. A part of me felt I had to say yes, 'cos I felt pushed to like him. But I just couldn't force it. I knew it was meant to turn out badly.

- "Actually, I'm tired... I'm sorry. It was a long week and included a trip to Miami to catch a lunatic..."

- "Of course, not a problem. I'll take you home."

The drive back to my apartment was mostly silent. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't really comfortable either. It was just me feeling Spencer's absence. And it hurt in ways I hadn't realized just yet. It made me wonder if my life without him was destined to be like that.

- "I had a great time tonight,"- I said when James parked outside my building.

- "Me too..."- he turned to me and cut me a big smile, as his eyes locked with mine. I could see him leaning in, and my whole body refused to kiss him. So I opened my door and nearly jumped out of his car.

- "Ok, it's getting late."

- "I'll walk you to your door."

- "No, you don't have to."- but James was already by my side, holding my hand (something I absolutely hated) and walking with me to my building.

- "I have to tell you, (Y/N). I was hoping to meet you at Anderson's party."

Oh shit, I didn't really want to go through that conversation with him. I thought I could just ghost out of that dinner, but James wasn't making things easy. So I opened my building's door, and he followed me in. Shit.

- "I don't know if he told you anything but... I just had the biggest crush on..."

- "James, you don't have to..."

- "But I want to. I just feel like we could go somewhere. I know it's only our first date, but I think you are the most incredible woman I've ever met. And I would be ecstatic if you would want to go out with me again."

I sighed and turned to him. We were standing by my door, and I could feel he wanted to kiss me goodnight.

- "James. I feel flattered, but... I can't do this."

- "What? Why?"

- "Because I am in love with someone else... I've been in love for a while now, but I never thought I might have to actually act on it until now..."

James stared into my eyes, confused, hurt, and... sad. I nodded and did the kindest thing I could under the circumstances and hugged him.

- "I am sorry. You are a fantastic guy, and I'm sure if I wasn't in love already, this would have worked, but..."

- "It's ok, (Y/N). Really. You don't have to apologize. I was just one date, no harm done."- my date kissed my cheek and smiled- "Besides, I got to meet my favorite profiler."

- "Prentiss?"- I joked, and he chuckled.

- "And what are you gonna do about this mystery guy?"

- "I don't know. I don't think he feels the same... but I think I have to tell him, or I'll go crazy."

- "He would be crazy if he rejects you,"- James whispered and smiled- "Good night, crime fighter."

I closed the door behind my back and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I felt bad for James. But I couldn't take care of his feelings when I had been neglecting mine for so long.

What was I supposed to do? I was so tired of overthinking everything. Of being afraid. I put the kettle on to make myself a cup of tea and laid on my couch for a minute. It smelled like Spencer. There was one of his sweaters there. I quickly grabbed it and buried my face in it, pretending it was his neck, and I could even land butterfly kisses on his skin.

I couldn't run from it anymore. I was going to tell Spencer Walter Reid what I felt for him. And I was going to do it the following day. How? With my original plan: I was going to bring his favorite breakfast to his house. I was going to apologize for being a jerk, and I was going to invite him over for dinner. I was going to cook his favorite. Then I was slowly and carefully going to handpick the right words to tell him I am desperately in love with him.

That sounded like a good plan. My phone rang, forcing me to roll on that couch, but I carried Spencer's sweater with me. It was Penelope.

- "Please don't tell me we've got a case."

- "No, munchkin. I just wanted to check on you. What happened to James?"

- "I blew him off- I stood up and walked to the kitchen to make my cup of tea- "It was kind of painful."

- "I'm glad you did anyway. You have to do the right thing."

- "Yeah, I guess,"- I closed the widow 'cos there was a lot of yelling coming from the street.

- "Where are you?- Penelope asked, probably hearing it too.

- "At home, getting ready for bed."

- "What's that noise?"

- "I don't know. I think there's a fight downstairs. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna talk with Spencer and tell him everything."

- "Please let me know how that goes!!"- I chuckled as I heard the genuine excitement in her voice.

- "I promise I will. Thank you for checking on me."

- "Anytime, munchkin. Sleep tight."

Spencer's point of view

- "Oh shit! Oh shit!"

I saw (Y/N) getting out of James's car, and Derek had to hold me on my seat to stop me from running over. We were parked outside of her building, and Morgan was still trying to convince me to go home. I told him I would behave and peacefully go home if I saw (Y/N) reaching her home safe and sound... without James.

But no. He was there. I could see him walking with her, hand in hand, to her building.

- "Maybe he is just going to take her to her door,"- Morgan said, trying to calm me down. I clenched my fist and waited in silence for a few seconds. But James didn't leave her at her door. He followed her inside. And that was when I lost it and literally jumped off the car.

- "Reid!! No!! Wait!!"- Derek ran behind me and grabbed my arm. A car passed and honked at us, 'cos it almost ran me over. I wanted to yell, "Fuck you!" but I barely noticed it. My eyes were locked at that building's door.

- "Dude! Come on, get back in the car!"- Derek tried to calm me down.

- "No!"- I argued and kept pulling my arm, trying to get free of his hands. But he wasn't letting me go.

- "You are drunk! You are not thinking straight! Come on!!"

- "No! Let me go! I need to talk to her!

- "What you wanna tell her, you should confess sober, with flowers... and chocolates, or whatever she likes."

- "I can't wait anymore!! I can't wait until it's perfect!! He is going to kiss her again and... and I can't deal with that!!"- I managed to get loose of Derek's hand and ran to (Y/N)'s building the second James walked out of it.

My blood boiled as soon as I saw him, and my first instinct was to punch him, But I managed to suppress it. Instead, I just looked at him threateningly. Or at least that's what I tried to do.

- "What's your problem, dude?"- James frowned as he noticed me staring.

- "You are my problem, dude,"- I answered with a snarky tone as that asshole took a step closer and shook his head.

- "What the fuck?!"

- "Stay the fuck away from (Y/N), James,"- I said, and he widened his eyes, surprised I knew him.

- "Who the hell are you?!"

- "I am the love of her life, and you are in the way of our forever after."

- "Kid, come on"- Derek tried to pull me away, but he was just embarrassing me.

- "Yes, kid. Go with your buddy. Leave (Y/N) to me."

James chuckled and turned around. And I don't know what took over me, but I couldn't control it. I ran to him and pulled his shoulder. I felt the pain of my fist hitting his face, but I didn't care if my knuckles were on fire. All I could feel was the profound pleasure of finally breaking that guy's nose with my own hands.

- "What the fuck?!"- Derek was in shock, and honestly, so was I. I didn't know I had that in me. I had never gotten in a fight that wasn't with an unsub. And still, on the field, I always tried to talk my way out of every conflict.

- "He has to back off! He is getting in the middle of my relationship with my pumpkin!!"- I argued and looked at my hand, knowing it would be sore in the morning. That was when James's fist collided against my jaw, and I felt how my whole body nearly spun like a cartoon with the strength of the blow.

- "Hey! Hey! Stop!"- Derek pulled James away from me as I touched my face, trying to put two and two together.

- "Tell your friend to stay away from me, or I'm gonna break his face!!"

- "You and which army?!"- I yelled and tried to punch him again, but Morgan stayed between us, trying to keep us apart.

- "Ok, ok, calm down, we are leaving! Reid! Come on!!"

- "No!! I am not leaving until I am sure that he is going to stay away from her!!"

- "Stay away from (Y/N)? Deal! Now get the fuck away from me!"- James shoved me on his way to his car, and I nearly hit him again. But Derek stopped me. He grabbed my arms and pushed me to his car.

- "Enough! I'll take you home."

***

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Next update: July 7th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #matthew gray gubler #Criminal Minds #Spencer Reid fanfiction #Spencer Reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid hurt #spencer reid angst #babymetaldoll writes #diwk #Penelope Garcia #Ashley Seaver #Emily Prentiss #aaron hotchner #criminal minds fanfiction

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goldentournesol · 3 years

Text

The Receptionist and the Profiler (Six)

Chapter Six: Lifted Burdens

(Spencer Reid x f!Reader)

Series Masterlist

General Masterlist

The word reverberated around her brain for days after she heard it. Her brain was mocking her and she knew it.

Girlfriend. Girlfriend. My girlfriend.

Over and over again.

A heartbroken Y/N went home that day to an extremely livid Penelope. Y/N was the one calming her down instead of the other way around.

“How could he be so stupid?! I mean, he’s a genius, but he’s still the stupidest person I’ve ever met! Oh my God, I’m gonna kill him! A girlfriend?! He’s out of his mind!”

And although Y/N agreed with every single word Penelope’d said, there was little she could do about it now. She had shown Ashley around just like she had with every other new agent. It would have been a lot easier to hate her if she wasn’t so...nice. You know, even though her father was a serial killer and all.

She was so normal. And Spencer seemed happy around her. That’s all she could ever ask for, right? So why was it still so painful every time the three of them were in a room together? Why was avoiding all the team members’ apologetic stares as they witnessed a moment between the couple turning into a sport? Well, she knew exactly why, but she didn’t really want to give that thought the time of day.

Derek was almost as livid as Penelope when he’d learned of the new relationship. It took everything in his power to not chew Spencer out.

Spencer, on the other hand, was convinced that this was the only way he’d ever get to get over Y/N. Besides, she’s married now, what’s everyone so upset for? Is his happiness too much to ask for? Although, he did find it odd that Y/N wasn’t wearing rings on any of her fingers. He would have thought that a newlywed wife would have been much more excited to show off her ring. It was also quite strange to hear that Anderson transferred to a different unit. But he stopped himself from thinking about her too much anyway. Stopped himself from thinking about how much her eyes stopped twinkling as much as they used to. Or how her smile always seemed a little less bright than he was used to.

Stop, Spencer. You have Ashley now. He reminded himself.

Ashley was a nice girl. They’d met a few times before they began dating. He first met her when Rossi took him to the Academy to speak with some of the recruits who were interested in joining the BAU. Then, after that, he’d ran into her while he was guest-lecturing at her university. She’d been taking extra classes to get her degree faster and ever since then, they’d kept in contact. They’d met again while Spencer was on his medical leave. He had practically begged Rossi to take him to any lectures. Despite being a homebody through and through, Spencer had had enough of sitting at home waiting for his knee to heal. He needed to get out of the house and do something. Ashley had been the one to suggest a date and Spencer was shocked to say the least, but he accepted. Who was he to deny a pretty girl a date when the love of his life was already married?

Coming back to work was exciting to say the least, even if he wasn’t authorized to go into the field yet. The rest of the team still had to go though, which made the bullpen kind of eerily quiet.

He tried to spend most of his time in Garcia’s batcave to be able to be a part of any video calls with the team, despite the fact that Garcia could barely look at him without wanting to crush the rest of his bones (it’s all in the name of love, she swears). Him being in Garcia’s cave made it practically impossible for Y/N to go in there as often as she normally would. She’d normally spend her entire breaktime with her, they’d chat, eat, and watch kitten videos on repeat. But now Dr. Genius was occupying her space there and it left Y/N sulking out in the empty bullpen.

Now, Spencer wasn’t completely oblivious to the way the team was acting around him. He’d noticed a decrease in Penelope’s affectionate terms, he’d noticed Derek’s disapproving stares, even JJ was being short with him. Maybe it had something to do with him dating the new agent.

“Hey, Garcia?” Spencer asked from his seat next to her, he was currently going over a case file as she sorted through VICAP.

“Yes, Reid?” She asked, obviously not paying attention.

“Do you guys um, not like Ashley or something?” He asked tentatively, fiddling with his pen between his fingers. That got her attention because she turned in her chair and looked at him.

“What gave you that idea?” She asked with signature Garcia concern.

Spencer shrugged and pursed his lips together, “I don’t know, you’ve all just been acting super weird since I got back and every time I’m with her around you guys it’s super awkward.”

He saw Garcia take a deep breath and she slumped her shoulders, “No, Reid, we do like her a lot. I guess you can say we just weren’t expecting it. I mean, you’d just gotten shot and then came back with a girlfriend, it was kind of...surprising.”

“Why is it so surprising? Is it so surprising that someone actually finds me interesting?” Spencer almost scoffed, that had come out way meaner than he’d intended.

“No, of course that’s not what I meant, you know that!” She exclaimed, tears already threatening her eyes, “It’s just...we all thought it would...y’know, take you a while to get over Y/N.” She tiptoed around what she really wanted to say. Spencer held back a roll of his eyes.

“Well, I am. So...so you can all stop being so weird. Besides, what does it matter how long it takes me to get over her? She’s married now, remember?” Spencer said, not even trying to hide the bitterness behind his voice.

Garcia’s face drained of all emotion all at once, “What?”

Spencer analyzed her expression before shrugging, “What?” He asked, feeling like he was missing something.

Suddenly, she began laughing in disbelief, “No, no, no. There’s no way.”

Spencer’s impatience and irritability grew, “What are you talking about?”

“Spencer! Y/N has been living with me for the past 3 weeks, you big idiot! I’m not saying anything more to you. You need to be talking to her right now, not me.�� He felt as though his brain took ages to process what she’d told him.

“What...why would she be living with you?” He asked, his brain raking through all the possibilities. Garcia shook her head and refrained from speaking to him for the rest of the day. The dread set in as he realized.

He’d only seen Y/N at her desk whenever he had to leave the batcave for something. Most times she’d just send him a polite smile but they rarely engaged in any conversation. Her energy has been cut in half lately.

Near the end of the day, Spencer trudged all the way to the kitchenette on his crutches to make himself a fresh cup of coffee. While reaching up to grab his mug, he tried to balance on his crutches but was still very wobbly. The result of his wobbliness was a shattered mug on the floor of the BAU’s kitchenette. Spencer winced at the sound and sighed a deep sigh.

He heard quick footsteps to where he was, “Is everything okay? Are you hurt?” Y/N stood in front of him, taking in the scene. He hadn’t heard her voice in days, it was the closest thing he’d felt to relief hearing from her again.

“I-I’m okay, I just dropped a mug while trying to make a cup of coffee.” He huffed frustratedly, upset that his mobility was compromised.

“Spence, next time you can just ask me or something--or someone else, it doesn’t have to be me, but I mean, I don’t mind doing it, if you asked.” She stumbled lightly on her words, cheeks reddening. Spencer smiled in response and nodded, touched at her kindness, “Now, step back and let me help you clean this up before someone gets hurt.”

Spencer took a step back, the feeling of guilt overwhelming him as he watched her pick up the pieces and sweep the floor, “I’m sorry...about that. You didn’t have to help me out, thank you.”

Her face cracked a smile and Spencer felt the hunch in his shoulders loosen slightly, “Come on, it’s really nothing. How’s the um, knee?” She pointed slightly as she brought down another mug and began to fill it with coffee for him.

He sighed, “It’s not great. It hurts sometimes, like a lot, but it could have been worse I guess.” He shrugged, unable to keep his eyes off her captivating face. If he thought the science of reading microexpressions was interesting, reading her face was on a whole other level.

“I’m sorry, Spence, I really hope you feel better soon.” She spoke while adding the perfect amount of cream and sugar. He could tell that there was something weighing on her heavily as she seemed to drift further away as she watched the swirls of the cream dance in the mug.

“Thanks, Y/N/N. Um, what about you? Are you okay?” He asked, noting the way she immediately snapped back into shape almost as if she’d been caught slipping. Her facade was back on as if it hadn’t slipped for a nanosecond.

“Yeah! I’m great.” She smiled, not meeting his eyes, Spencer was about to ask about her current living situation when she spoke quickly, not leaving a pause, “How about I walk this back to your desk for you?”

“Um, you don’t have to do that. I can take it.” Spencer frowned, feeling already guilty enough.

She giggled slightly, purposefully glancing at both his hands wrapped around his crutches, “Got a third hand I don’t know about, Spence?”

Spencer grinned in defeat, realizing what she meant, “Right…” He sheepishly began to walk back to his desk, is Garcia needed him she would call. She set the cup down and flashed him a smile before turning around and walking right back to her desk where she stood for a few seconds as if contemplating something then continued on in the direction of Garcia’s office.

“Garcia...I did something bad.” She confessed sheepishly stepping into the office and closing the door behind her, feeling somewhat like a child who hadn’t followed instructions.

Garcia turned around in her chair, “Oh no, sweets, what happened?”

“I talked to him…” She flopped down onto the chair next to Garcia’s and pouted. Garcia couldn’t hide her smile and shook her head.

“And…?” Garcia looked expectantly at her.

“I don’t think I can ever get over him, Pen.” She suddenly frowned, picking at a frayed thread on her skirt.

“Well it’s not gonna happen overnight, sugarplum. Tell you what, why don’t we have a girls night out when the team gets back tonight. Maybe you could get a little lovin’.” Garcia added suggestively but Y/N rolled her eyes and huffed playfully in response.

“Yes to girls night, no to getting any “lovin’”, I don’t think my heart can physically handle anything else.”

“Ughh, alright. But um...there’s something you should know…” Garcia began.

“What is it?” Y/N pushed.

“So...you know how Reid is a certified genius and stuff...yeah...he’s quite possibly the most obtuse man I’ve ever met.” Garcia spoke.

“Yes, we know this, what is it, Pen?” Y/N asked, growing more impatient and anxious.

“I found out today that he had absolutely zero clue that you called off the wedding.” She said.

“What do you mean? How did he not know?” Y/N almost laughed at the absurdity.

“I guess no one told him. I think we all got so caught up with him getting shot that no one told him. Y/N, I’m telling you, up until 1:22 pm today, he thought you were married to Grant Anderson.” Y/N almost grimaced at the mention of her almost-husband.

“Well, what good is it now, he’s got little miss Ashley, who, by the way, IS NOT invited to girls’ night.”

But she was, of course she was. But it wasn’t just her, oh no, the entirety of the BAU had invited themselves out.

Everyone was stuck in their own little conversations around the table and Y/N felt like the odd one out. She looked up from her glass to see Rossi and Hotch deep in conversation, Derek and Penelope were in the middle of a story to which Emily and JJ were listening intently, and finally, the cherry on top, sitting directly across from her, was Spencer and his precious Ashley sitting practically glued at the hip with his arm around her shoulders. This was supposed to be a girls’ night out, and here Y/N was, feeling as miserable and insignificant as ever.

“I’ll be right back.” She said to no one in particular as she got up from the table, not that anyone noticed or heard. Spencer caught her leaving out of the side of his field of vision but Ashley quickly began telling him another story. Y/N had almost made it out of the bar when a familiar voice stopped her.

“Y/N, hey!” She turned to see none other than Anderson himself, looking quite put together and smiling very largely at her.

“Hey! Um, you out here too?” She smiled awkwardly and looked around for his friends.

“Yeah, came out for drinks with the guys from the White Collar Crimes division. Hey, you should come say hi.” He nodded his head towards a table full of men. Y/N glanced back at her table and saw that no one was looking for her so she shrugged and agreed.

She sat at the table and they all immediately brought her into the conversation, which made her mood lift significantly.

Had Grant always been this funny? She thought. As the guys settled down after their stories, Grant turned to Y/N.

“Can I get you a drink?” He offered nicely and she thought about it. She spent 11 years with this man, what could one drink possibly do?

As they sat at the bar and chatted, Y/N noticed that Grant was being extra gentlemanly and just...nice.

“So, yeah, this is my life now.” He tilted his beer at the table they were at previously.

“They’re really nice guys, I’m glad you’re happy at work.” She smiled and nodded. Grant smiled back and studied her for a moment.

“Um, so...I was wondering...I mean, do you...are you still sure about all this?” He gestured between them, “It’s just that we get on so well and I um, really wouldn’t mind doing it all over again for you.” He ended his sentence with a genuine smile.

Y/N’s smile faltered from a grin to a sad smile, her eyes flitting across the bar to look for Spencer, who had been keeping a close eye on her since she left in case she was in trouble. Their eyes met for a moment but nothing longer.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She nodded with finality. Grant followed her eye-line and felt some jealousy stirring up inside.

“Wait--is this all about Reid?” Grant stared at her incredulously.

“What?! No! Of course it isn’t. We weren’t working out, I already told you.” She defended quickly, but Grant was unconvinced. He gave her a look and she avoided his eyes, “Me and Spencer are just friends, I promise. We kissed like, once, it didn’t even mean anything.”

“You kissed? When?!” Grant’s eyes immediately filled with rage, looking across the bar.

“It doesn’t matter, look, can we just step outside for a second, get some fresh air?” She tried to reason with him but before she knew it, Grant was out of the bar stool and marching his way over to the BAU’s table. Y/N followed him quickly, trying to minimize any damages.

“REID!” Grant yelled in the small bar, quickly alerting all the agents. Spencer’s worried eyes flitted to Y/N’s.

In one swift motion, Grant lunged forward to attack a still-seated Spencer, eliciting a frightened yelp from Ashley next to him.

But thankfully, Derek was much quicker than Grant and effectively took him down yelling, “What the hell is wrong with you, man?”

Hotch and Rossi visibly relaxed upon watching Derek drag a livid Grant outside the bar. Mortified, Y/N grabbed her things and ran out, unable to meet any of their eyes. She flagged a cab and tried to stop the sobs from tumbling out of her.

Needless to say, the next month was the most awkward month she’d ever been through. Anderson was lucky he’d only been suspended without pay and not actually arrested for attempted assault of an FBI agent. She was downright mortified after what had happened at the bar and had fully retreated into herself, having finally moved out into her own apartment. Her pickiness ended when she realized she couldn’t stay with Garcia anymore.

Even JJ had tried multiple times to set her up with one of Will’s friends, but Y/N always refused. Invites to bar nights were turned down and ignored. Her days consisted of waking up, going to work, coming back home, pretending to unpack but in reality avoiding it and ending up sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream. The entire team felt for her, but Spencer especially felt for her as well as felt like an absolute moron. Not about what had happened at the bar, he didn’t really care if Anderson had beat him up, maybe he deserved it for making her feel this way.

He watched curiously from his desk as Derek and Penelope walked through the glass doors of the BAU and stood at her desk. Penelope placed a heavy cookie tin on the raised part of the receptionist’s desk, the sound making Y/N look up from her computer.

“Morning, lil’ mama.” Derek grinned at her.

“Morning, D. Hey, Pen. What are you two up to?” Y/N’s gaze shifted between them suspiciously, “And what’s this?” She referred to the cookie tin.

“Oh, you know, just your favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies.” Garcia said with a smile. She watched as Y/N’s face lit up and immediately reached for the tin but Penelope held it securely.

“Uh-uh-uhh,” Derek taunted with a smirk.

“What? Why can’t I have the cookies?” Y/N huffed.

“These, my love, are a bribe and I’m not afraid to admit it.” Penelope said with a dramatic upturn of her chin.

“Oh no.” Y/N said.

“Oh yes.” Derek and Penelope both said. When Y/N rolled her eyes and was about to refuse, Penelope opened the top of the tin and Y/N took a peek and was hit by a whiff of heavenly chocolate chips.

“Fine, I will listen to your offer, but no promises.” She tried to stay strong even though the scent of the cookies was already driving her mad.

“We thought you might say that, which is why the entire tin is the bribe.” Derek said smoothly and Y/N’s jaw dropped.

“That is low, chocolate thunder!” She exclaimed and Spencer unwillingly smiled at her reaction.

“Anyway, you get this entire tin of cookies IF you agree to come to Rossi’s tonight.” Penelope offered and Y/N paused to think about it.

“I don’t know, Pen…” Y/N began.

“Come on, pretty girl, we miss you. You haven’t been out in ages.” Derek tried. Y/N’s heart pulled in her chest, maybe she did miss them too.

“Alright, fine, fine! I’ll come.” Y/N crossed her arms, trying to hide her smile as Derek and Penelope celebrated with a hug and a cheer, “Now, give me these!” She stood and grabbed a cookie, quickly taking a bite and visibly melting back into her chair from the taste.

“See? I told you that would work. No one can say no to my cookies.” Penelope whispered to Derek as they separated to begin their days.

She finally got some motivation to empty her bags and boxes when she returned to her apartment. It was mainly because she had to look for an appropriate outfit to wear. Ever since she’d moved, she’d been picking out her work clothes and pajamas from her suitcases, rewearing all the blouses and skirts that don’t need ironing, but it’s time to start taking care of herself again. Perhaps she felt like the clothes she was wearing didn’t belong to her anymore, she decided that she’d take herself shopping soon. After a relaxing shower, she picked out a black satin blouse and tucked it into a pair of fitting blue jeans.

Arriving at Rossi’s, she took a deep breath before ringing the bell.

“Ciao, bella!” Rossi graciously greeted, hugging her tightly, “We’re all so glad you could make it. Come on in, dinner is almost ready.” Rossi’s warm greeting eased the anxiety that bubbled in her chest. She was also greeted warmly by everyone in the room when she walked in. Penelope pulled her to sit next to her immediately.

“You look stunning!” Penelope complemented, making Y/N blush.

“I agree, you are looking hot as hell, mama.” Derek chipped in, making her laugh.

“Oh, hush, you two.” Y/N rolled her eyes and accepted the glass of wine that Emily offered her. She sipped on the wine, glancing at Spencer over the rim of the glass. He caught her eye and sent her a small smile. Y/N sent him a small one back before feeling herself shut down as everyone around her started conversations. She hadn’t noticed just how much she depended on Spencer for conversation in outings with the BAU until his attention was taken away. He would always stick to her side but now he had someone else’s side to stick to. With no Anderson and no Spencer, she really had to fend for herself. All night, she felt this indescribable weight on her shoulders. She did everything to try to get rid of it.

Soon, one glass of wine with dinner turned into two, then somehow turned into two rounds of whiskey. Before she knew it, she was up dancing with Derek and Penelope in the middle of the garden. They all had migrated into the backyard after dinner, where most people were chatting and eating dessert.

“Spencer, are you listening to me?” Ashley’s voice cut through Spencer’s daze.

“I’m sorry, what?” Spencer turned to her, he’d been caught up watching them dance, secretly wishing it was him she was grabbing onto for support instead of Derek. If it wasn’t for his damn knee, he would have joined them in dancing.

“I asked you if you wanted another slice of cake.” Ashley said, with a small smile on her face. She was nice, but she wasn’t her.

“Oh, no thanks, I’m good.” He shook his head and reverted his attention to the dancing trio. She was finally smiling, he hadn’t seen her smile that wide in so long. Her laugh was heard across the garden and somehow it seeped right into Spencer’s bloodstream. The familiar feeling of jealousy creeped up on Spencer as he watched her twirl herself in and out of Derek’s arms.

“See? Aren’t you glad you came out tonight?” Derek smiled as she twirled back against his chest.

She nodded and smiled, a tad bit too tipsy, “Yeah, I guess.”

Penelope grinned and pulled her away from Derek, “Alright! Quit hogging her, I wanna dance with her too!” Y/N laughed and wrapped her arms around Penelope, burying her face in her shoulder.

“Thank you for everything, Pen.” They swayed and Penelope squeezed her harder.

“Anytime, sugarplum.”

“Alright, I’m just about beat. I need some dessert.” Y/N said, pulling back and dragging them both to where everyone was.

While eating dessert, she watched as Spencer continued to converse with Ashley and felt her blood boiling beneath her skin. Or maybe that was the alcohol, she wasn’t sure. It was like a cloak of clarity cascaded upon her. Before she knew it, she was standing in front of everyone and speaking loudly, loud enough to halt the ongoing conversations. With her eyes on Spencer, she only ever had her eyes on Spencer.

“Spencer, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we’re not even friends. You were my best friend, the closest person to me. I don’t know what happened, but I miss you. I don’t want things to ever be this weird between us again. And--and I shouldn’t have been with Grant, I know that. There were so many reasons not to marry him, but the truth is I was ready to ignore every single one until I met you. I asked myself why I waited so long to get married and I thought I just wasn’t ready but I knew I didn’t want him,” she paused to swallow, her tears blurring her vision, “I want you. And now you’re with someone else, and that’s fine. She’s wonderful and she makes you happy and that’s fine,” A few tears escaped and she realized what she was doing, “and I think I’m drunk and I shouldn’t be driving home so if someone could drop me off that would be great.” She dropped her plate on the table and quickly made it inside, leaving a group of agents completely stunned.

And just like that, the weight she’d grown so accustomed to seemed to dissipate from its place on her shoulders.

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