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dreadpoetssociety · 3 years

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Fevers Don’t Exist

TW: Fever ? (I’m not sure what counts for triggers so pls lmk if I miss anything)

Prompt: hi!! could u do one maybe where like, the reader is an actress on supernatural and she plays like their younger sister on the show or something and she gets sick at a con or something? Thanks !!

NOTE: Hey guys, I’m alive!!!! I know I have a lot of Spencer prompts atm, but it’s really hard to write them when I’m not like, hyper focused on Criminal Minds. I am going to try though! So sorry I’ve left so many of you in the wind, I am a very inconsistent person, my bad. But here’s this! It’s REALLY bad because I’m terrible at being realistic but like idk it’s something.

I really don’t even know what to put for tags on this.

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Ah, September. You knew what came along every September, and looked forward to it for the first eight months of every year. Secaucus, New Jersey. You loved every con you went to, truly. Everyone was so nice, you love staying in hotels, panels are such a great time, the whole thing. It's a great experience outside of the set to get connected with fans. And, they loved you almost as much as you loved them. You were typically closer in age, since you were still just a teenager. You also started out as a fan of the show before somehow snatching a role, so you really were with them at one point. Everything that excites them excited you just as much. And, you loved making friends with them. You weren't allowed to be reckless with your phone number, so you made a snapchat that you shared exclusively with con goers, whom you made swear to secrecy. It was like a club, and you just enjoyed genuinely talking to everyone. But, when you woke up that first morning, you knew it was going to be a long day. Your body ached, and you were still pretty exhausted. You had a fever, but didn't really know if it was a fever because you were still young, and God forbid you ever decided to recognize the signs of you being sick. It was almost like a form of denial, not knowing. You were sweating, but freezing, and your throat felt particularly dry. Your headache rested underneath your eyes for the most part, to which you just blamed on being tired. Your stomach didn't hurt, but you definitely weren't hungry. Even though you hadn't felt exactly 100% the past days before, and you obviously weren't feeling right now, you just deduced that it was all because you were tired, and had a late flight in. As a responsible person does, of course. You didn't even bother taking any medicine for it, because hey, you obviously weren't sick, you'd feel better in a bit, and you didn't have any, so why waste the time, right?

You groggily got dressed and met up with "the boys" (even though they were all older than you) for the free breakfast downstairs, in a separate room, since fans did happen to stay in the same hotel. You grabbed some Cheerios, only to conspicuously throw them away after.

"You good, Y/N?" Jared asked out loud, gaining the attention of Jensen, Misha, and Alex. You could feel their eyes burning through your skin. Or, maybe that was the fever. It had to be their eyes, you convinced yourself, you didn't have a fever. You were fine.

"Yeah, why?" you asked, faking the perk in your voice and confused eyes. Your eyes felt really heavy, you noticed.

"You just... You look exhausted. And pale." he said, "And you threw away that cereal without eating any of it."

You looked down at yourself as an effect for what you were about to say, "Wow, well that's one way to make me self-conscious. I thought I looked kind of poppin'." you laughed slightly, trying to play it off.

"W-wait, no that's- that's not what I meant! You look fine, I just-" he was embarrassed. You and the others chuckled.

"I'm kidding. I'm all good, just went to bed late, y'know?" you smiled. It was hard to try and mask the rasp in your voice, and doing so made you feel the need to cough, so you downed some water until it dialed down a bit. He nodded. In your mind, you blessed your acting skills, thinking you got away with it. What you didn't know was that Misha, Jensen, and Jared, as fathers do, knew every trick in the book, and each noted to keep an eye on you. Not to mention, they'd been acting far longer than you had, and could just tell when one switches into a character. They all figured that if you weren't sick now, you would be in days to come, and exchanged glances with each other, while Alex innocently continued to chew on his toast.

"Well, if you're tired, I don't think you have a panel or anything for another hour or something, maybe you could catch up on some sleep then." Jared suggested. You shrugged.

"Nah," you said, "I've got photo-ops in like, twenty minutes. I should actually probably get going. I'll catch up later!"

You left with a wave, and disappeared into the hotel somewhere. You stopped in your room, allowing yourself finally to set free the coughs living in the back of your throat. You blamed it on your throat being dry since you didn't drink enough water. Not on germs. So, you grabbed two water bottles from the small fridge in your room, and left, making your way towards the convention center.

You felt slightly better during photo-ops, which just confirmed in your mind that it was impossible that you were sick right now. You smiled and talked to everyone. There was one girl, who introduced herself as Meredith, who stuck out in your mind. She gave you this super cool hand painted keychain, which you very excitedly put on your keys instantly.

"Dude, I've been looking for a cool keychain. Not just one of those janky ones you find at like 7-11, like a cool one. This is so exciting." you smiled genuinely. You had just recently bought yourself a car, and thought that your keys looked a little lonely, and searched for hours on Etsy for something to spice it up a bit. A weird obsession, thinking about it now.

She laughed, "I'm glad you like it!"

"Hell, yeah! Now, are there any poses you wanna do? Or do you just want to hit that casual look? I could make it look like I'm meeting you." you stupidly rambled. One of your traits that was so widely known was how funny and awkward (in a good way) that you were. It took you a long time to get to that point, though, because you were always anxious about meeting others. You still are every now and then, but it's different here.

"I was just hoping to get a hug." she said, "If that's okay with you."

"Yeah, that's cool!" you wrapped your arms around each other and shot the camera a grin. The girl looked a bit confused.

"Hey," she said, quietly, "are you like, okay? You feel really hot."

Nervously, you replied, "Oh, no, yeah totally fine. I'm just wearing two layers, and it's getting spicy in here."

"Yeah," she answered, "don't push yourself, okay?"

"I won't, thank you. It was really nice meeting you!"

"You, too! Thanks!" she waved goodbye and you moved on to the last few people in line. She was right, though. You realized that you felt worse than you did when you walked in. You thought it had gone away for a while, but now it was just amplified. You noticed you were cold again, but that you were sweating as well. It must've just been the temperature in the room. These conventions aren't always able to keep a steady temp in the entire building, right?

This day, you didn't have much to do. Most of your events were on the other days to come. You had one panel in a few hours, and then a panel with Jared, Jensen, and Misha a few hours after that, and then bam, the day was over. You just had to get through those two events. Just two.

Two, events. And both were an hour. So, two hours out of the day. Rookie work. Yet, as your panel approached, the headache had expanded from under your eyes to anywhere that there was space to hurt, your throat ached and so did your lungs from how much you were going off somewhere to cough in privacy, your body felt heavy, you couldn't tell if you were hot or cold at this point it was some weird combination of both, your stomach hurt just slightly, the world was moving around you a bit more than it usually would, and the fever you "didn't" have had climbed a degree, probably two. And, at some point during the day, you got pretty congested. You felt like you could just fall asleep at any moment. Jared and Jensen happened to be walking by where you had been waiting by yourself, away from any congoers or employees, and noticed that even though you were leaning against a wall, you somehow were still swaying.

"Y/N?" Jensen called out, worried. You heard him, you knew you were supposed to respond, but didn't know how. Maybe you did have a fever, and maybe you sort of let it out of control. It was like you were comprehending them, but not at the same time. You heard everything, but it just swept right through your feverish mind. The walked in front of you and examined you within seconds. You felt Jared's cold, really abnormally large man hand sweep your hair back and land on your forehead.

"J, she's burning up." you felt another hand on your face. You, quite exhaustedly, swatted it away. They couldn't figure out how it'd gotten so bad so quickly. You were sick this morning, but not to this degree. They knew then that you had just shrugged it off all day, and your teenage fever brain probably didn't even think to take any kind of medicine or anything for it, even if you were trying to hide it.

"I'm good. Just tired. Fevers don’t exist." you finally mumbled, taking a few deep breathes, which you hadn't really been able to do in a bit without being rudely interrupted by a bone-shaking cough. It felt nice, almost. The boys sighed at you and shook their heads.

"Y/N, you should go back to your room and get some rest. We can bring you some stuff that'll help." Jared suggested. You shook your head and opened your eyes, which somehow felt even heavier.

"Nah," you said to them, "I've got a panel, I think, in like, I ‘dunno, some minutes or something. Something I-" you pushed yourself off the wall to try and make your way somewhere, but stumbled a step or two, which result in Jensen and Jared instinctively to grab you in order to keep you steady.

"Like hell we're letting you go to that, Y/N, you can't even form a sentence, or stand for that matter. You're out of your mind. We're going to bring you back now, we'll take care of your panel thing." Jensen stated pretty sternly. You were about to fight back, and they could see it, but you coughed a few times, and they could almost feel it in their own chests. You just nodded in defeat.

"Yeah, maybe I could just like, sleep, for an hour or two." you whispered, tiredly. The two were still holding you steady, and could see you already falling asleep before even going anywhere.

"Or six, by the looks of it." Jared joked lightly.

"Poor kid." Jensen said to Jared as the were walking out of your room. They helped you get there, and you were gone before you even saw the bed, "Why do they always have to pretend like they aren't sick? Look where it gets them."

"Don't know, man. You can't talk, though. You literally tell people you are immune to illness." Jared laughed quietly, shutting you door.

"Well I am. I am the perfect example of health. I don't get sick."

"Yeah," Jared rolled his eyes, "Right. Watch you catch what Y/N has. You practically carried her all the way here. There's no way you're escaping it." Walking towards the center, the back way of course, Jensen scoffed, "Please, germs take one look at me and know not to mess this up. And, by the logic, that means you're already infected, too. So, tell me, princess, what sort of soup do you want spoon-fed?"

Again, Jared rolled his eyes, and the two laughed. They weren't making fun of you, they were making fun of each other, and knew that you would've wanted in on that action.

"Y/N probably would've destroyed us if she heard that. Something along the longs of 'You want me to tuck you in? Carry you bridal style?'" Jared pitched his voice a tone higher for it. Again, the two men laughed.

They made their way backstage of what's supposed yo be your panel, and informed the crew about what was going on. They were just going to fill in for you, probably tell a few embarrassing stories.

When they made their way through the curtain, the crowd shouted. They were obviously excited to see the two leads, but also were obviously confused. "Alright, you're probably confused." Jensen stated the obvious, "Because obviously, we look nothing like Y/N, and thank God she does not look like us." The crowd laughed.

"Anyway, Y/N can't make it today. She's really sick-" the crowd cut Jared off with a unison "awe." People yelled out that they hoped she felt better, tell her to take care of herself, and so on.

"Yeah, poor kid looked like she was just going to fall asleep right where she was standing. She literally tried to come anyway, like, kid, you're making no sense. Y/N couldn't really fight against us, though, so she's sleeping now." Jensen explained, "So we came here to chat in her stead, but just know she really was planning on coming. That kid loves you guys." and again, the "awe" rolled through the crowd.

"If she wasn't sick, she could totally kick both your-" the last word was cut off, but was implied anyway, someone screamed from the crowd, which resulted in laughter.

"Yeah, probably. Even if we were stronger than her," sarcastically, of course, "she'd still beat us. Kid's too fast, and I'm too old." Jared laughed.

In the last ten minutes of the panel, Jared decided to give you call. Not only to check in on you, but so you could at least say hi to your crowd. When you heard the phone ring, you groggily opened your eyes and aimlessly reached for it.

"Hello?" you answered. Jared almost frowned at how sick you sounded, even with just one word.

"Y/N?" Jensen stepped in, "It's Jensen."

"Unfortunate." you sighed exhaustedly. It was joke, a really tired one, but still enough to make the crowd laugh.

"We're here at your panel, we thought you might want to say hi." Jared said loudly, holding the speaker of his phone to the microphone.

"Panel?" you asked. Panel? What panel? Your delirious mind was clearly confused, "Who's that?"

"Y/N, the con. The convention panel?" Jensen actually sounded worried. They probably should've thought to give you some sort of medicine to do something about the fever you had before they'd left.

"Oh," you closed your eyes again, almost falling asleep, before remembering finally what it was they meant, and after a moment, "Oh! Crap, the panel thing, I'm late."

"No, Y/N, stay there, we've got it covered remember? You can't come. You can say hi to them, though." Jensen interjected quickly.

"Okay, hi guys." you just followed as told.

The crowd responded with a series of hello's.

"'M really sorry. I hope they aren't boring you." the two men could practically hear you closing your eyes. The crowd responded in inaudible chatter. Jensen and Jared walked from the mic for a second.

"Sorry if we woke you, kid." Jared apologized, having just realized they probably could've left you alone, "W also just wanted to check in. See how you're doing."

"How are you feeling?" Jensen asked, but got a mumbled word in response, "Alright, well, just go back to sleep, we'll be up there soon."

Jared hung up the phone, and the two began to answer the last few questions and close up. They waved their goodbyes to the crowd, and started heading back your way.

"Jensen, you got any over the counters with you? Thermometers or anything? All I've got is Advil, and I don't even know what's really bothering her yet other than that cough and being tired."

"Yup. Danneel always makes me carry literally an entire medicine cabinet, just for these moments. I'll go get 'em and meet you there. It'd probably do her some good to eat something, too. I don't know if she's got like, a stomach virus thing going on, though." Jensen answered.

"I'll see what she'll say and let you know."

The two parted ways, and Jared made his way to you. Even though he'd only talked to you just a few minutes before, you were dead to the world by the time he opened the door. The room was boiling, and Jared looked over to the thermostat to see that you'd at some point put it on to 90 degrees.

"Jesus, Y/N, I know you've got a fever, but damn." he said, more so to himself than to you. He looked over at you after turning it down to see you curled beneath what looked like any blanket you could find. He came over and started removing the blankets slowly, and shook you gently to wake you up.

"Y/N, wake up for a minute, it's Jared."

"'Mm." was all you said, until you realized your layers of warmth had been moved, "What're doing? It's cold."

"Y/N, you're dripping in sweat. It's the fever making you cold."

"I don't have a fever." you retorted, "I'm good. Just tired."

"Kid, you've been tired the whole day. You've been sleeping this whole time." he tried rationalizing.

"I have?" you questioned, closing you eyes again. Jared put his hand to your forehead again. Somehow, it was warmer than the first time he'd done it before the panel. It was then that Jensen finally appeared, a whole bag of things in hand, "Could you bring the thermometer over?"

"Yeah, gotcha." He walked over and rummaged through the bag at the same time, pulling out a thermometer.

"Y/N, we need to take your temperature." Jensen said.

"No need." you said, "'M not sick."

"You are so obviously sick, I'm not asking." again with that stern voice. Jared gave him a "Hey, she's sick, back off a little" sort of look, but it had worked, and you let them take your temp. They were almost shocked when the thing beeped at 103.

"Should we take her to a hospital? That's way too high." Jared asked.

"If it gets any higher, yes, but let's see if we can bring it down first." Jensen replied.

"No hospitals." you demanded, opening your eyes and glaring at them.

"We aren't bringing you yet, Y/N, but I need you to eat this so you can take some meds." he held out two pieces of toast that he must've brought from his room. You hated toast even when you weren't sick.

"I'm not really hungry."

"I know, but it'll help. You haven't told us what's bothering you yet, either." Jared responded.

"Nothing's-" you coughed a few times, a bit violently, "bothering me." "We can see that." Jensen said sarcastically.

"Everything's bothering me." you whispered, giving up.

"Your stomach hurt?" Jensen asked. You waved your hand from side to side to signal a so-so, "Think you'll get sick at all?"

"No, it's not like that, I don't think." you breathed out, another cough escaping you. You took a few bites out of the toast. It made you uncomfortable, but it was then that you realized you probably felt that way since you really hadn't eaten much that day or the one before, which probably contributed to the splitting headache. It didn't go away after, either though. You pushed yourself up. You almost fell over, but Jared put a hand out for you.

"Alright, good. Take this. I'm going to be frank, it tastes disgusting." Jensen handed over a small cup of liquid, "Sometimes, if you take it like a shot, it helps. But you shouldn't know how to take shots, but if you do it, I won't judge." And so you did, causing the two to chuckle slightly at you.

"You were right, about the sleep thing." you slumped back onto the bed heavily, like a brick.

"When am I ever wrong?" Jensen asked, "Don't answer that, actually."

But you were already sleeping again, and the boys decided to stay nearby for now. The next panel wasn't for another few hours anyway, and they just didn't want you to be alone. Also, incase you were wrong about the toast, and it decided to make its return. Jared's phone began to ring loudly, to which he very quickly tried to answer so his obnoxious ringtone wouldn't wake you up again, not that you wouldn't have just fallen back asleep anyway.

"Misha? Hey, what's up?" Jared answered. Jensen walked over to hear what was going on on the other side of the line, but Jared just decided to put it on speaker.

"Where are you guys? I haven't seen you all day. Felicia, Alex, and I are going out for lunch, we were wondering if you guys want to come. I tried calling Y/N, but she didn't answer, so." he rambled.

"That's because Y/N's not feeling well." Jensen said, giving him a solution to his predicament of not being answered, "We're with her right now, so we'll have to pass."

"She's sick? Is she okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. She's just got this crazy fever we've been trying to bring down. Thinking about it now, Jensen, we should probably check it again."

"A fever?"

"It's been at 103 degrees for like, two hours. At least for what we know of. She's probably had one all day, but as a dumb teenager does, she just tried to ignore it."

"If it goes up you should-"

"Yeah, we know," Jared said, "we're trying really hard to avoid that, though. Also, she'll definitely fight against it, I don't know."

Jensen, from the other side of the room at the sound of a beeping thermometer, could be heard on Misha's end, "It went down, finally. 102.2."

"Thank God, I was getting worried."

"Should I come there? Do you guys need any help?" Misha asked.

"I mean you can, but I think we're good. She's just been trying to sleep it off the whole time, so not much is really going on." Jensen was closer to the phone now, "Like, she's got this cough, a headache, and you can hear how congested she sounds, but mostly I think she's just exhausted. I honestly don't know how because she's just been sleeping for hours."

"Fatigue."

"Yeah, poor kid. I don't think I've ever seen her so tired, it almost makes me tired to be honest." Jensen joked.

"Maybe you're just getting sick." Jared slipped in.

"Not possible. I am immune."

"Nobody is immune, Jensen." Misha sighed.

"I'm not nobody." he shrugged.

"Alright, well, we're going to get lunch then. If you need anything let me know, and tell her I hope she feels better." Misha concludes.

"We will, thanks Misha." and with that, Jared hung up. For a few more hours, the two hung around. They were there when you woke from some fever dreams, and when you needed a cough drop, or twelve, and wake you up every now and then to check your temperature, which raised and dropped and raised and dropped, but currently was at a very steady 102.4. But, soon enough, it was time for them to leave for the last panel of the day, and unsurprisingly, you tried to follow suit.

"Y/N, we gotta go, but we'll be back in about an hour from the panel." Jared said. You took a deep breath and sluggishly pushed yourself to the side of the bed. Having been sick, and not having sat up in a few hours, the blood rushed from your head, leaving you dizzy.

"What're you doing?" Jensen asked.

"The panel. I missed the last one I should go to this one. I feel okay." you yawned, then coughed slightly.

"Y/N, really, you shouldn't even think about pushing it like that." Jared said. Jensen walked over to you, half on the bed, clearly trying to steady yourself just from the movement of sitting up. The spinning room honestly almost made the toast make a reprise, and you hiccupped, and held your breath.

"Hey," Jensen grabbed a can quickly, noticing, "are you going to be sick?"

Giving it a minute, it went away, and you shook you head no, causing a huge tension to leave the room.

"Alright, well, remember how you said I was right all the time earlier?" Jensen pun the can down.

"No, must've been the fever." you half joked, causing Jared to laugh.

"Alright- well- okay, shut up. We agreed I'm always right, and that I was right about needing sleep, so I say you need some more." Jensen demanded rather than suggested.

"Yeah, or at least lay around and do nothing. I can't imagine ever sleeping as much as you just did." Jared joked, pushing you very gently back down, with his hand on your back, knowing you would just hit the bed without it. Your eyes were heavy again, and your throat was painfully dry, and you coughed. Your aching head also agreed with the two of them to your dismay.

"Maybe just a bit more." you mumbled, "A few minutes."

"Yeah a few minutes, sure." Jared smiled, knowing you were probably going to knock out for a few hours once again. You opened your eyes again.

"You think," you coughed, "that they'll be mad?

"Who?" Jensen asked.

Feeling pretty sick, you said, "That I don't go? I don’t feel really good."

Ah, the fever comes to play once again, it seems, but the two felt some sort of triumph now that you've at least admitted to being sick, even if it's been hours. It concerned them, though, if you felt bad enough to admit it.

"No, they'll be fine about it. We'll be back soon. Misha or Alex might come in to check on you, alright?" Jared answered, to which you nodded.

They weren't gone long. You spent half the next day sleeping, too, until you could stand without swaying. You did sneak back to the con, against Jensen and Jared's orders, since you really didn't break that fever and cough for a few more days, only to be caught after a tweet of you at the con was trending and the cast caught wind of it. But, eventually, you were better, and got the chance to help Jared take care of an "always immune" Jensen. And he was more stubborn than you were.

#jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x y/n #jared padalecki #jensen ackles #jared padalecki x you #jared padalecki x reader #y/n #supernatural #supernatural x you #supernatural x reader #sickfic #spn #spn cast

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axwalker · 3 years

Text

Bad Timing: Only For Tonight

Book: The Royal Romance (AU)

Pairing: Drake Walker x Alexis O’Brien (MC)

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is escaping a terrible past. After months of running she settles in Cordonia where she meets Drake at the bar where she works and they spend a passionate night together.

What happens when a one-night-stand turns into unexpected parenthood?

This chapter: Drake and Alexis spend the night together. What happens after?

MASTERLIST HERE

WORDS: 1998

POV: Dual

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Explicit Sex 🍋🍋🍋. Mentions of domestic violence.

ALL MY FICS ARE +18

A/N: I apologize for any grammatical errors.

I’m participating in the Wacky Drables prompts

This is Prompt #87: No offense, but I'm not interested (Bold)

@wackydrabbles

Thank you to @burnsoslow for beta reading! I love you ❤️❤️

Please if you want to be added or removed from the tag-list, do not hesitate to ask.

@mskaneko @burnsoslow @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @kingliam2019 @kat-tia801 @no-one-u-know @marshmallowsandfire @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @princessleac1 @rubiwalker @lovingchoices14 @randomstuffdorme @artisticgirl44 @bebepac @tinkie1973 @gkittylove99 @moneyfordiamonds @forallthatitsworth @mom2000aggie @twinkle-320 @nomadics-stuff @thegreentwin @twinkleallnight

ALEXIS

"Tell me what you want, and I'll give it to you," Drake whispers in my ear.

"I want you, Drake."

"I should probably warn you," he says to me, placing feather kisses down my jaw, his stubble grazing my skin, "that I can be very bossy."

His baritone voice sends a shiver through my body.

"Don't worry about me, Walker. I can take it."

Drake smirks, and I yelp when he scoops me up into his arms and carries me inside his apartment. He sits me on the couch and suddenly drops to his knees, his hands running up my bare legs and parting them. He looks up at me as his thumbs slide over my inner thighs, brushing over the delicate skin, pushing my dress up higher and higher. His expression is wild with desire. I raise my hips slightly as he pushes the dress up, so it's bunched around my waist, and he slowly runs his finger over the top of my underwear, from the waistband all the way over the mound and down between my legs.

"I've wondered all night what you taste like," he murmurs, sliding his finger back up, pressing in at my clit. His hands firmly grip my hips; He lowers his head, pulls me toward his face, and I feel his wet mouth pressing against me, the thin barrier of my panties muffling the sensation just enough to drive me wild. I suck in my breath, my fingers going into his hair, while he runs his tongue over my clit, the pressure causing me to jerk my hips toward him.

"I've had enough teasing," he says, the vibrations spreading through me.

He pulls his face back for just a moment, long enough to slide my underwear down over my thighs until they're off me, then he's pushing my legs wide again, his mouth going in for the kill. Every worry, every horrible memory inside me gets lost with the wet sweep of his tongue. My mouth falls open. My God. He knows what he's doing. My thighs are already trembling. His mouth is so warm, so strong. He kisses me there like he kisses my lips, soft and gentle, then quick and wild, sliding up around my clit, then down inside me with a grunt. I can't contain my cry. It tears out of me, driven by the need for him to be deeper.

"You have no idea how beautiful you look right now," he whispers into me.

I'm exploding, wet, warm, pure fucking bliss. My hips jerk into his mouth as I spasm, my thighs gripping the side of his face, his stubble so beautifully rough.

He stands up and takes off his shirt; my mouth waters, and he kicks off his shoes, bends down to take off his socks. Takes a step toward me. My eyes follow his hands as they undo his belt and then the zipper of his jeans. And then his jeans and boxer briefs drop to his ankles. Holy fuck, he's hot. Ripped and manly. Huge. I've never been with someone like him.

With trembling fingers, I take off my dress and bra as he inspects every square inch of my body, making me feel incredibly vulnerable.

"Jesus." He steps forward and trails his fingers up and down my bare arms. "You're so fucking gorgeous," he says, kissing my shoulders, my breasts.

He pushes a book off of the couch and then turns me around, placing his hand between my shoulders and shoving me down, so I'm on the couch on my knees.

"Hands up, against the wall," he says from behind me, his voice extra rough, almost feral. I've never been so excited before. I put my hands up so they're pressing against the wall, just as his hand curls around the small of my waist. His touch is electric, especially over my hyper-sensitive skin.

"Spread your legs for me, beautiful," he groans, and I hear his teeth opening the condom wrapper.

"I'll fuck you for hours," he murmurs, mouth now at my ear. His voice is rough with need. "I'll make you come over and over until you can't walk, can't talk, can't see anything but stars. But right now, I need to come inside you. And I'm going to do it fast and hard. Get that, Lexie?"

I nod, trying to swallow.

"Good girl," he says, straightening up. He caresses my ass and slams himself into me. All the air is pushed from my lungs, and I bend a little more, trying to accommodate his size. His cock is in so deep I'm not sure where I end, and he begins. Then he starts working me, his fingers pressing so hard into my side that I think he's leaving bruises, holding me steady as he fucks me hard. There isn't anything in the world but this. He grinds into me, over and over, his hips jerking against my skin. His frantic thrusting is measured, his hips circling just enough to slide against every part of me—faster, harder, deeper.

"Fuck. Fuck, Lexie. This is ..." He doesn't finish his sentence. His grip tightens around my waist. I feel him everywhere, like he's filling me up in every way.

"So wet … so tight, baby." Just then, his cock hits the right spot until I catch fire and burn inside out. I've never felt this before. This pleasure, this passion.

"Right there. Don't stop!"

"Not even close to stopping," he grunts. He thrusts even deeper, watching my back arch into him with overwhelming pleasure.

It's a curious thing to have a one-night stand with a stranger. You've known each other for only a few hours, and then you decide to share something that leaves you so vulnerable. When I turn my neck and stare into Drake's deliciously wicked deep-brown eyes, there's a sort of freedom I've never enjoyed in bed before. He makes me feel safe and powerful.

Then as he starts to tense, his breath becoming hoarse, a drop of sweat falling from his face and onto my neck, he slides his hand over the front of my skirt and below, finding my clit. A rub from his thumb is all I need to come, and it's not just the intensity of the orgasm that rips through me, causing my body to spasm and shake. It's the intensity of us. Of Drake, as he groans into my shoulder with one final thrust, his cock twitching.

Several positions and many orgasms later, we fall together into his bed, exhausted. True to his word, Drake took his time with me after the first time. Going slow, kissing every inch of my skin.

He gets up from the bed to throw away our last condom; I contemplate leaving. I don't know how to behave, it's the first time I’ve had a one-night stand, and I don't want to act clingy or emotional.

"How are you feeling, Lex?" he murmurs when he comes back before he kisses me, long, deep and sweet. And just like that, every worry I have is gone. I melt into his touch, into his arms, and I never want him to let me go.

Which is a fucking problem because I can't stay.

He scoops me against his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me. He peppers kisses all over my shoulders, my neck, my back. I let my eyes drift closed just for a second and fall asleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warmth engulfs me, every inch of my body is warm, and I nuzzle into the pillow deeper, wanting to stay like this forever. It's been a long time since I've had a decent night's sleep in a comfortable bed. However, as soon as I notice the room's complete darkness, my eyes pop open, and I start to panic, trying to remember where I am and how I got here.

There's a weight over me, and I feel suffocated. I force myself to take a deep breath, and I realize that I'm safe. I'm in Cordonia, thousands of miles away from him. Slowly, yesterday's events come back to my mind, and I realize my head isn't lying on a pillow but a firm, ripped chest. I glance up at the sleeping man I shared last night with and take in his harsh but beautiful features.

Drake's sleeping peacefully. His arm is still around my waist, holding me almost protectively. For a second, my heart flutters, and I allow myself to dream. What if I had met Drake instead of Matt? Even after only one night, I can tell what kind of man Drake is -- manly, confident, protective. I feel safe, cherished. But it can't be. Not now, or ever.

Gently, I untangle myself from Drake's arms. I gather up my dress and shoes and creep toward the living room. I order an Uber, and three minutes later, my phone pings with a notification that the Uber is here just as I reach the front door. I quietly open it, tiptoe out, and glance back at the house.

A deep sorrow overcomes me because I know that I will never be the same again after tonight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DRAKE

It's been three days since I last saw Alexis. I figured I'd feel differently in a few days. I'd forget the sweet taste of her lips, her delicate cherry scent, the sound of her laugh on my ears. Never did I think I'd still be replaying our conversations, jerking off every night to the vision of her body moving against mine. Fuck. Me.

Finally, I decide to go to the bar where we met. Despite the way she left --in the middle of the night without saying goodbye-- I don't want to ignore the crazy chemistry between us. I'm not an arrogant jerk; I know when a woman comes undone in my arms. And the way Lexie responded to me? It was fucking explosive.

"Why are we here? Li's dinner is tonight," Leo protests. I picked him up at his loft after work so we could go to Li's place together. In hindsight, he wasn't the best person to bring along with me, but I had to come to the bar tonight. I just need to see her. "Do you know how many women will be there? It's going to be a buffet, man." Leo insists as I park in front of the bar. I get out of the Jeep as fast as I can, so he doesn't follow me, but, of course, the fucker comes after me.

We walk into the bar, and it's as deserted as it was on Monday. The woman behind the counter smiles at us when we approach.

"Hi, guys! I'm Daisy. What can I do for you tonight?"

Leo winks at her. "I have a couple of things in mind, sweetheart."

I stare at him, and he shuts up. "I'm looking for someone who works here. Alexis Ortiz, she's a bartender."

She smiles at me. "Alexis quit this morning."

"Did she leave an address or a phone number?"

My heart sinks when the blond shakes her head. "She was kind of weird. She kept to herself." She looks at me and smiles again. "I'm free in an hour, though."

I don't want to be rude, but there's only one woman I want. "No offense, but I'm not interested."

I'm cut short by Leo, who grins at her. "You're embarrassing me, Walker." He gives her the same smile I've seen him give to a hundred women before her. "I'm Leo, sweetheart, and we're not free tonight, but I'll be happy to come by any other night."

She's grinning at Leo now, a flirty expression on her face. She sure moved on fast. I clear my throat. "Here's my card; if Alexis comes back, can you give it to her?"

She takes it. "Sure, no problem, but I don't think she will. She told Daniel she was leaving Cordonia and she wasn't coming back."

#axwalker writes #n*sfw #wacky drabbles #drake walker fanfic #drake x mc #drake x lexie #trr fanfic #🍋🍋🍋

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that1randomname · 3 years

Text

(ALSO i UPDATE MI DESCRIPTION EACH TIME i CHANGE MY TITLE)

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hello- yes hello there- welcome to mi blog, mi main tag(which are mostly save reblogs, but is also for original posts) is "æ"

Mi queue tag on the other hand is "œ"! It is explained in this post!

Don't forget to read the description because yes

(past mi worked hard on it)

i prefer to use they/them!

You can call mi with any nickname you want as long as i am okay with it!1!! i go by Skrunkly on discord tho!!

This post might change in da future because u know!1!1!! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Most of mi old art on this blog is also tagged with æ

Jsab side blog where i post and reblog jsab stuff is @jsab-reblogs

Sky cotl side blog where i mainly post and reblog sky cotl stuff is @rns-skyblog

i also have an ao3 account(shared with mi brother), but i mostly just use it to read stuff lol :/ (it's ToastyLycan btw)

@ask-the-dirt-block which is a Minecraft oc ask blog about.,.,,. A (sapient) dirt block of course- (edit. Changed this, this is no longer dead[sort of], but i can say it's no longer a character askblog, people can send asks about mi minecraft ocs here instead)

Current pfp is this funky guy

due to unforeseen circumstances, i cannot change mi pfp, On The Run is eternal

Edited this again to add mi sona ref again(which is at the bottom)

⚠️⚠️ WARNING ⚠️⚠️ BIG BLOCK OF TEXT AT THE VERY BOTTOM BECUASE i DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE MI OLD DESCRIPTION BUT i STILL WANTED TO CHANGE IT SO i PUT IT UNDER AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THIS POST

--------------

i ALSO HAVE TWO ASKBLOGS BTW-(which i never work on anymore sadly- (cuz of procrastination))

And then i have @alone-times-askblog which is an ask blog about mi oc, Max, who is stuck in a timeloop alone in his house(ps. It is 4/4/2022 today as i edit this, i might make lore posts instead of running it like an askblog)

This one is actually active but i don't wanna directily show it but mi deltarune SCC side blog(that's mostly an au/hc based one) is never mind its dead too @pinoy-scc-lets-goooooooo

Idk how to run askblogs, lol, after answering an ask and then getting more i jus dip and make a run for it-

æ-

mi daily post limit

tion

onk

/[ÓwÒ]\

Uses They/them(but any would do)

Call me Lupe, Toast, RN anything you want to i guess, as long as u ask mi first

multifandom

mostly jsab, other posts and mi original stuff

/[UwU]\

i like bread(and other stuff also) and do art

i would like to chit chat and rps but i ain't great at it

i has habit of infodumping and rambling about headcanons once asked so beware-

i also like reading infodumps and headcanons too-

this blog is mostly full of reblogs tho---

ÒwÓ

other info:

-i am the kind of person that would say "Suck Ass" to themselves and laugh at themself for 15 seconds straight

-i have many blogs you guys prob don't know about

-yellow ironically is mi least favorite color becuz most of mi favorite fruits(derogatory) are color yellow, mi favorite hoodie is yellow, mi favorite blanket is yellow!!!

-i use mi instead of me and my and use lowercase i instead of I to describe miself

-POINTING OUT THAT i SWEAR!!!

-PLS TELL MI TO TAG STUFF THAT MAY TRIGGER YOU!!!!

-AND ALSO SORRY FOR TRIGGERING YOU IF i FORGOT TO TAG

#æ #sjdgisbsjwodbxxkpsheebf #kinda funny i didn't start with a jsab askblog lol #but then again #🤔#æ is also mi save tag so #œ

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river-bottom-nightmare · 4 years

Note

I like the writing you do about dick grayson and Birdflash! Do you have any ficrecs (Ship and otherwise?) Thank You!!

N o , t h a n k y o u .

now i assume that you’re talking about dick grayson/birdflash fic recs because that was in your ask. if not idk just shoot me another ask with whatever dynamic/pairing/ship you wanted and i guarantee you i’ll have some recs for it. now let’s get to the good stuff because birdflash is one of my top otps of all time and that is saying something considering how many fandoms i’m in.

now lets start with authors. anything that padfootphrophet has ever written is so so glorious (i tried to find their tumblr and i failed i’m sorry). be sure to check them out! there’s @novaviis, the birdflash deity, we all know them. if you haven’t read watercolour then what are you doing with your life go read it right now.

time for actual fic recs! i have practically over a hundred bookmarked, so here are some of my favourites, or ones that i think need more love. (be sure to check the tags on all of them, there are some squicks and/or triggering content in them.)

1. Summer Lovin’ by @theo-ography 4,500 words. birdflash set in the comics verse or with the titans is always my favourite, and this one is practically the best of the best! a little angsty, a little heartwearming, a little bittersweet, all-around perfect.

2. Before the End by RobinRedR 6,700 words. angst angst angst and more angst. set in the yj universe, follows dick and wally as they grow up (but in reverse order) and how the two of them never got to say what they really meant until it was too late.

3. Safe and Sound by @kingburu 12,000 words. more angst. you guys can tell i have a penchant for making myself cry. wally travels forward in time after his death, you get to see how he and everyone else reacts. i loved this one so much i made a moodboard for it.

4. Strawberry Punch by @synxailla (sorry if i linked the wrong tumblr, it wasn’t in the fic so i did a little digging.) 38,000 words. one of the best birflash fics out there. set in the yj universe, and god, dick and wally are so cute in this one. also, wally is unabashedly, totally, completely in awe of everything robin does. its adorable.

5. Mainline by @kazyre 232,000 words. this is the ultimate hurt!wally fic, and it’s a ride. featuring most of the flash fam from the comics, a whole bunch of heroes dc always forget about, and wally being an absolute badass. also, this is probably the worst rudy fic out there. wait,,,,that came out wrong. what i mean is that rudy crosses the line from bad parent, skips over asshole, and goes straight into main villian. this fic is long, plotty, wally-centric, and super fun to read.

6. Every Fiber of My Being by @lanestreets 21,000 words. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. my absolute favourite dick grayson and birdflash fics in existence. unlike the last one, this fic is dick-centric, but the way birdflash is done is beautiful. you absolutely will not regret this one, i promise you that

7. In Ice and Fire by RedRobinR 7,000 words. this one’s a little dark and a little creepy and lot wonderful. birdflash vampire au, and it’s just so well written. kind of and out-there au for this particular rec list, but i urge you to give it a read. i made a moodboard for this one too.

8. the heavy weight of living by @satellites (once again, super sorry if i got the wrong user, i just sort of took a shot in the dark) 3,500 words. one of the coolest, sweetest aus out there. civvies au where dick and wally survive the zombie apocalypse. i’ve been meaning to make a moodboard for this one, if someone reads this fic and likes it enough to request one i’ll do it.

9. Starbucks Epiphanies by maidenofsouls 2,000 words. fluff fluff fluff adorableness my heart is bursting. this is a perfect representation of wally’s oh shit i’m in love with him moment and it was just SO CUTE. just,,,,,,go read it. i need to make a moodboard for this one too. UGH i have too many ideas.

10. Sadist by birdflashshipper 11,500 words. i just,,,,,,,,,,you know what. i’m not even sorry. imma end this fic rec with a bang, and if that bang happens to be heavy smut with a whole bunch of bdsm sprinkled in, then so be it. except this is,,,,like,,,, well written smut. with feels. and dick’s escrima sticks are a wonderful guest star. so yea if that’s your thing then definitely give this a read.

so there are some of my favs, would absolutely recommend, i go back and read them all the time. if you want more, or if you want a fic rec for another dynamic/ship/fandom, my askbox is always open!

#dick grayson #wally west #birdflash #nightwing #robin #kid flash #the flash #dickwally #dc #birdflash fic rec #dickwally fic rec #dc fic rec #fic rec #dick grayson fic rec #wally west fic rec #nightwing fic rec #robin fic rec #kid flash fic rec #the flash fic rec

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fuckingrealityshifting · 3 years

Text

Hi! You’re here!

You’re here from a video about shifting ->

Awesome! Welcome.

If you don’t believe and plan to express that, go ahead! Please read the entirely of this post before interacting. The FAQ might help you as well.

I know Anthony’s video is out. My thoughts on it are here.

Me!

My name is Jade, primarily they/them, here’s about me!

Most important info from that is I’m a minor and I have minor but chronic depression which means inactivity because of sadness will be gradual/partial but likely long-term. What I lose motivation for usually goes in the order of: socialization/dms/interactions in general, motivation to work on my own shifting journey, informational posts or stuff I need to research for, and then other quicker asks answers. It gets better in the reverse order of that usually!

When I am not talking about shifting, I’ll probably be dropping random thoughts about whatever media I’m consuming at the moments or stuff about my day either tagged under not shifting + relevant tags or just not tagged unless it’s for a trigger. Feel free to ask me to tag anything! No judgement!

CEO of starting “Shiftblr”™️ and CEO of the Shiftblr Directory ™️ therefore I am your overlord. bow to me /j /lh

Blog stuff!

Here’s my

Masterlist

which includes my

FAQ that answers what shifting is

+ answers to useful asks or reblogs, a list of my informational posts, a list of my subliminals, and it includes the Shiftblr Directory!

If you want an ask to be included in the Masterlist that isn’t, just ask!

It would be more timely for you to skim my Masterlist to check if there’s an ask that obviously answers ur question before asking, I know there’s a lot so it’s natural to miss something so it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t, it’s just I take some time to respond and it’ll be in ur best interest lmaoo luv u

If you reply to a post and I reply, I’ll reblog and tag you! I will not be replying in the comments (this is a sideblog)

And since THIS IS A SIDEBLOG! I follow and like from my main!

Asks, dms, submissions, etc are as of now always open! I do answer asks and such out of order based on factors such as what I can answer without researching, what I need to make a long response to, etc. Dms tend to get a bunch of quick replies soon after and then they dwindle because I’m forgetful.

I have gotten suicide baiting before. I am a minor. I have depression. Please keep that in mind when making commentary to an audience.

If you’d like to repost or use my content on another site for whatever reason, including “look at these losers” compilations (not that I’m encouraging you but I can’t stop you) and such, please ask for permission first so I’m aware but the answer will be always be yes on the grounds I can’t stop you lol

My Shifting Journey Stuff!

Regarding what I believe about shifting: as of right now, I do believe that shifting is a projection of consciousness into an alternate, real reality. As of now, my answers and information on shifting do tie into that. I speak for those who believe the same as me when I make statements about shifting and such. Regarding what I believe shifting is is liable to change depending on the results I get from experiments when I do shift. It is completely possible experiments I do bring me to the conclusion it’s a meditative, in-the-mind thing, in which case I probably will keep shifting terminology but have a different personal understanding/definition of stuff. As I have not shifted yet, I’ll get to all that later.

My shifting schedule is terrible lmaoo I barely try

I have not shifted yet but y’all will be the first to know!!

My DRs/DR ideas include:

•(Incorporated with other realities as well) Reality with something we don’t know here/some sort of ‘proof’ thing, post with context here (shifters PLEASE check out)

•Reality so I have more time to study

•Reality with different economic systems in society to see the differences

•Reality of my novel(s)

•Reality where I have a dog and/or a cat

•Reality where I’m a famous YouTuber/streamer

•Minecraft (including dream smp)

•Good Omens

•The Witcher? Perhaps?

I think you’re mentally unstable.

Sure. You can totally not believe in this, and thus think I’m delusional, ‘insane,’ etc.

You don’t have to believe anything I believe. You don’t have to keep believing if you already have. This stuff is strange, I totally get it.

I’d just prefer you don’t apply specific disorders to me or shifters on the basis of believing of shifting, out of respect to those with the disorders.

And you’re still welcome on my page no matter what your beliefs—as long as you’re respectful. If you’re not respectful I’m probably not gonna treat you seriously.

I just need you to understand that there’s just really no point in responding to people who don’t offer any sort of points to go off of.

For example if I receive, “shifting isn’t real,” “shifting is daydreaming,” or my personal favorite /s “kill yourself,” in my inbox, I am going to treat it lightly as there’s no specific evidence outside of opinion or general statements to discuss and for some of the sentiments, I have already responded to.

If I receive something like “some people can pass reality checks in lucid dreams,” “I don’t understand the differences between daydreaming and shifting/don’t think there are any because X” or “the escapism in shifting worries me,” etc. I can totally discuss this and I welcome that kind of feedback.

There’s also no point in getting in our tags with pointless statements like “shifting isn’t real” if there’s no points to go off. I probably won’t engage with that sort of thing either because again, it’s so general, and I’d have to address every single possible reason they would feel that way before we could have a proper conversation.

If I’ve ever been hypocritical in what I will respond to seriously or not, which I probably have been, that is my fault, and I will do my best to be better. You can point hypocrisy out to me.

So if you’re here to simply roast me or shifting PLEASE be funny. I’ll be rating ur jokes out of /10 and I’m not gonna sugarcoat. I want quality. This applies to YouTube videos as well. If you use me in a video please drop a link I fr wanna see

Current record: 6/10

But if strangeeons ever tumblr deepdives into this I need you to know I love you w my heart and soul. you can make fun of me however u want I’ll thank you /J

In all seriousness this is good guideline in how you handle delusions. If you think we’re delusional, please be mindful in how you go about it. Nobody’s saying you can’t say you don’t believe in it but purely insulting people to their face because of it isn’t being helpful.

You are also not being helpful to the mental health of people you claim to care about by hating on them and sending large audiences their way. I don’t like shifting tiktok but I feel terrible for the mostly teens who are getting most of the heat regarding shifting. It must suck.

#about me #top post #unreality #pinned post #long post #shiftblr #shifting

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let-patton-say-fuck · 3 years

Text

Hello and welcome

This post is going to be long and detailed, but here’s the gist:

I want to create a blog that will serve as a collection of Patton content in which he's portrayed as the extremely interesting character that he is. This includes angst, character studies, theories, discussions of gray morality, etc, etc. Also, I personally heavily identify with Patton, and whenever I see content of him being absolutely feral? Incredibly cathartic. I just think it’s neat. So, this is a blog for Patton content that presents him as more than the “innocent soft little puffball” he tends to be percieved as in the fandom. And, to be honest, more than anything I just want to inspire as many people as possible to join me in my #LetPattonSayFuck agenda. Let him do it. He deserves it.

None (or almost none) of the content on this blog is going to be mine. If you have content you want me to put on here, you can:

Tag me in it

Submit a post

Send me an ask

DM it to me

I will reblog the things people send me and try my best to organise them (more on that after the cut). You can send art, fanfiction, edits, rants, headcanons, memes, just related thoughts that come to your head, basically anything you want.

I will also sometimes reblog things to this blog just because I feel like they fit and I want to. If I reblogged something you created to this blog and you don't want that, please let me know, and I will delete it. Essentially, this is just a place for me to hoard (and navigate) any and all content about my favourite types of Patton characterisation. And you can join, if you want!!

And now onto the details:

About The Different Kinds Of Patton:

Different sides (ha) of Patton might be explored in the posts of this blog, so I think they will require some sort of classification. You can block or search certain tags based on your preferences.

The tags I will be using:

#let patton say fuck - any post where Patton swears (not necessarily “fuck”)

#feral patton - feral Patton. That’s it that’s the tag. Let my boy go feral. Whatever level of feral. From dying your hair at 4am to murder. Give me feral Patton

#angry patton

#patton angst - h u r t h i m (then help him pls. Not a requirement, just a personal request. Unhappy endings accepted but not without tears). This one will probably have a lot of subcategories

#flirty patton - I will be using this tag for any flirtatious actions from Patton, especially those that wouldn’t usually be seen as “typical” for him.

#suggestive patton - taking the previous tag a step further, this one is for any innuendos, sexual jokes/hints from Patton, whether in a flirty context or just for humour reasons.

#smart patton - any kinds of intelligence. Emotional intelligence, academic intelligence, strategic intelligence, musical intelligence, etc. Bring it on. If anyone wants me to make separate tags for different types of intelligence, please let me know exactly how you want me to do that, and I will, as soon as I can.

#BAMF patton - let him fuck shit up a little. As a treat

#mischief patton - Patton doing pranks, teasing someone, making fun of someone light-heartedly, messing with people. Sarcastic Patton. All that adorable devious shit. Gimme

#smug patton - smug bastard man,,,,,, sarcastic bastard man,,,,,,,,,, teasing bastard man,,,,,, (this one and the mischief one will probably overlap yeah)

#patton and morality - gray morality Patton. Being confused abt moral concepts because morality is hard, man. Patton being wrong, but learning. Patton making mistakes,,,,, I love him

#nsfw patton - I accept NSFW content, it will always be tagged. These posts will also be tagged with "#nsfw" and "#nsfs" (Not Safe For Sanders). This tag is for explicitly sexual things only. Sexual humour/innuendos/hints will all be in the "suggestive" tag. You can filter out one or both, if you want.

Once again, if anyone wants me to make a separate tag, I will.

About The Different Kinds Of Content:

As I’ve mentioned before, absolutely any form of content is accepted. Some tags that will help in looking for specific things:

#pat art - Some art,,, of the Pat,,,,,

#pat fanfic - More on ships later

#pat thoughts - any kinds of thoughts/rants. If you wanna share your ideas or just talk about Patton, this is probably how it will be tagged. Lemme know if you want me to change anything

#pat analysis

#pat theories

#pat hcs - any headcanons!! Ship headcanons!! Random headcanons!!! Vent “This is about Patton but I Am Patton” headcanons haha definitely know nothing about those!!! All headcanons are welcome

#pat memes - memes, shitposts, funny thoughts, incorrect quotes. Anything like that

#pat edits - Video, photo, audio, GIF. Once again, if anyone wants separate tags, I will add them.

Any other types of content will be given their own tags in the future, if they will be needed.

The tag for any asks is just "#asks". Anything related to this blog will be tagged "#blog stuff".

About Ships:

All ships will be given their own tags. More ships (poly ships, ships without Patton in them) will be added later as we go. For now here are the tags I will be using for Patton ships (tell me if anything needs to be changed):

#moceit

#logicality

#moxiety

#intruality

#royality

All characters will be tagged as “#ts *character name*”:

#ts logan

#ts janus

#ts roman

#ts virgil

#ts remus

If you don’t want to see certain characters or ships, please just filter the tags.

About Trigger Warnings:

If you ever need me to tag (or change) anything for any reason, please feel free to tell me, and I will do so as fast as I can and as thoroughly as I can.

Trigger warning tags are added to this post as content is being posted. Before posting anything, I will review it for potential triggers and update this post if needed. If anyone wants to add a tag for anything in advance - let me know, and I will do it.

So, let's start:

#pat discourse - any kind of argument against the way Patton is treated by the general fandom. While I think most people here would agree with those opinions, sometimes just the notion of an argument is distressing.

#tw cursing - I mean just in case

#tw murder mention - for references to murder with no details or visuals

#tw murder - discussion of murder with some details and/or visuals

#tw repression

#tw self-hatred

#tw anxiety attack

#tw threats

#tw alcohol

And finally!!!! This is a No Unsympathetic Patton Allowed zone. I guess it depends on how you would define "unsympathetic", but no content of Patton being abusive and/or anything similar to that will be posted, and please, please do not send it in. Please don't send Patton hate either, I won't post it, but it will hurt me quite a lot, please don't do that. If you don't like Patton, just go to another blog.

#tw arguing

#tw self-destructive behaviour

I'm sorry in advance if I ever forget to tag anything, please tell me right away so I can fix it! I don't really know how to run a blog, so I'm sorry if anything is wrong. I'm willing to try my best to keep this as organised as possible, since it's For A Good Cause. Thank you so much for visiting this blog, and I hope you enjoy it!!

#sanders sides #patton sanders #ts patton #let patton say fuck #tw cursing #long post #the length of this post (before the cut) is distressing me so ill look into what i can do abt that

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biblio-bitch · 4 years

Text

Detroit Evolution Commentary Pt. 3 [FINAL]

It’s been a while, sorry. Life sucks ass sometimes and I had to do some transferring to my new laptop. I’ll write down some more fun facts as an apology. Disclaimer: This is all stuff I noticed, inferred, or interpreted. I didn’t write the film, anything I’ve interpreted is just that, an interpretation based on things I noticed using my experiences and knowledge.

Fun fact #1: I have attempted to write in a proper novel style at least five times. After watching DE and watching @octopunkmedia ‘s script breakdowns and such, I've started writing scripts instead. I’m much farther along in those than I ever have been in books. 10/10 amazing for my visual based concepts.

Fun fact #2: My mental health was rapidly declining and I was losing interest in quite literally everything at the time the film was released. Watching the film and fixating on it for a month straight not only inspired me but helped me regain control of my life. Watching streams by the cast and Michelle while I worked for school made my productivity skyrocket.

Fun fact #3: I recently developed a tic that I now can’t get rid of. It was out of control for about twenty minutes right before I began writing this post. However, when I began re-watching the film (partially because it’s a comfort for me and I’m quite honestly terrified of what’s happening in the US right now) it stopped. So that’s fun.

As usual, spoilers and swearing under the cut! Quick note: If there should be a trigger warning on this or anything else I post, please let me know! I’m horrible at remembering to tag triggers. I’ll also be doing some quick posts on Umbrella Academy and my severe obsession with Jason Todd soon. Have fun!

As usual, here’s a list of people I know the users of in case you’d like to check any of them out. I’m likely missing people so feel free to let me know who I’m missing so I can add them!

Maximilian Kroger - Nines (@ maximiliankroger)

Christopher (Chris) Trindade - Gavin (@ trindabago)

Michael Smallwood - Chris Miller (@ michaelsmallwoodforever)

Carla Kim - Tina Chen (@ carlahkim)

Jillian Geurts - Ada (@ jilbobaggins_nyc)

Michelle Iannantuono - (@ octopunkmedia)

JJ Goller - Lazzo (@ quasar.cos)

Brett Mullen - Cinematographer (@ brettmullendirector)

Austin Butts - Sound Design (@ austinbytts)

Tiare Solis - Valerie (@ tiareleiana)

So I decided to put all of the rest into this post. It’s a long one. Not even that sorry about it bc I love this film with my entire heart. Warning for me getting sidetracked. I use a lot of Supernatural references but it’s because I’m visiting my dad and he’s binge watching the show. I like Dean and only Dean, don’t bully me for it.

The Wrist Grip™️ in the bedroom before Nines moves back

Shoutout to Maximilian Kroger’s muscles u go dude

Lighting Symbolism™️, big theme through the movie, honestly I think it’s beautiful and they did a wonderful job with it.

The little nod from Gavin as he starts talking about his nightmare

You can see Gavin gearing up to move, like not in a normal way, in a “oh god I don’t know if I have the energy to do this” way and that’s Relatable™️

The little smile from Nines as they sit together

The SHARK PLUSHIE I LOVE HIM (THE SHARK HAS AN INSTAGRAM @ sharktreuse)

Nines being domestic, making coffee and breakfast, being Soft.

Shirt change??? Either I’m blind or he’s wearing a different shirt in the morning (He is. He’s wearing a t shirt at night and a buttoned collar shirt in the morning. Perhaps he changed? He’s wearing normal pants so he probably changed but he’s not wearing that same shirt in the next scene)

Ada eye rolling at them being passive aggressive dumbasses. Same. Apparently Jillian kept fucking with them which is,, so valid.

The lighting in this scene (the office pt. 2) makes Maximilian look Android-white and outlined in the CyberLife blue-ish color. Very symbolic, I have no idea if it was intentional.

Another shoutout, this time to Maximilian’s eyebrows, the expressiveness is *chef’s kiss*.

“You can thank me later, Casanova.” Nines: *confused Android noises*

Honorable mention to Michael’s Foo Fighters t shirt in the bar, it’s vintage.

Nines is in fact wearing a different shirt now. Not the same shirt from the morning bedroom scene. I also think he’s wearing a different jacket. Less of a peacoat and more of a leather jacket. Nice.

Shoutout to Tina’s (not irl) wife, Valerie! And her weird crush on Hank! I honestly can’t wait to see her in Seven Deadly Synths!!

Ada DODGING the questions that Nines is asking because she is SHADY.

Also, he looks to Gavin when he talks about wanting to be more human. Recurring theme of him perceiving himself as lacking because of his ace-ness/android-ness, like he can’t give Gavin what he wants. Honestly I know that the android thing is a thinly veiled metaphor for race in canon but I kinda like thinking of it as a metaphor for being LGBT+ and in Nines’ case, specifically ace. Might not make sense but it does in my brain??

Gavin Senses Are Tingling and Nines is GONE. Leaving the bar for ur not-bf to try to talk things out like adults??? King shit.

Also electric lighter, fun, I genuinely didn’t know those existed

SHIRT WITH UNBUTTONED COLLAR

“You don’t want to help me, you want to fix me.” What a loaded line. Because in a way, it’s almost true? Like, Nines has this entire simulation of Gavin in his ideal world, and obviously that version of Gavin has probably been idealized at least a bit. Nature of humanity, and Nines might not be human but he’s got the Brain Things. And at that moment, it’s nearly true that Nines wants Gavin to be like that ideal Gavin. Obviously Nines wants Gavin as Gavin, but there’s the edge of that simulation there, still.

But Nines does want to help Gavin, and that’s where he’s wrong. Nines wants Gavin to get better, wants to help stop the nightmares, etc. But by pointing that out, I think it’s partially why Nines can accept letting go of Simulation!Gavin when Ada attacks him. Because he knows that the simulation of Gavin will never be the real Gavin, and this line sort of helps him understand that he can’t really keep Sim!Gavin anyways.

Again idk if that’s legit but that’s definitely something I felt from that while watching.

Nines is constantly very controlled, but when he walks away from Gavin you can see him straining to keep that composure and not let his anger show.

Ada looking So Done With This Shit when Nines comes back from talking with Gavin outside of the bar

“I’m sure this will be like...every other time.” Oh honey. Oh my sweet child. I am so very sorry. It most definitely will not be.

Ada’s exasperated Eyebrow Raise before taking a drink. If that ain’t the mood sis.

I love Ada’s bat wings on her outfits.

Gavin being a stalker and putting his hood up.

“I’m...certain that most of the credit can go to you.” IMMEDIATE ANGER. Must Defend Boyfriend.

I SO WANTED HIM TO SAY “WISDOM” WHILE TALKING ABOUT GAVIN’S SKILLS BECAUSE IT WOULD MIRROR HIM TELLING GAVIN THAT HE ISN’T WISE BEFORE THEY LEFT FOR THE STAKEOUT. He didn’t, but instinct is a better word for Gavin anyways.

Nines has Suspicion™️...press X for doubt...

*Only vaguely related rant warning*

I do feel that we as a fandom tend to make Connor almost childishly innocent despite him being likely one of the least kind and least innocent characters. The characterization of Nines in this--and pardon me for the off topic rant--where he’s a fully grown man and acts like it is so much more realistic. Nines is a cop, as is Connor.

Even post deviancy, they were designed and equipped to handle murder. Nines, in a lot of fandom content, tends to come off as an exasperated older brother or a gritty and mean detective, or even worse, essentially a sociopath who feels nothing in contrast to Connor’s childish and extreme innocence. I dislike both. Seeing Nines be a normal fucking person is so relieving, I’m serious. There’s still those elements of ‘oh he’s only been properly alive for like a year, right? He probably doesn’t get Chris’ Casanova reference.’ but it’s not to such an extreme that it overtakes all of his personality traits.

Like, yeah, ok, I get why a lot of fandom content does that. In order to balance what we see Connor do (and in order to further push the Hank as a father line) we over-emphasize the not getting references and such. Honestly I see the same in content for Castiel from Supernatural. Nines, when he’s added, often HAS to be a lot darker in order to make that seem not as jarring and unrealistic.

Doesn’t mean I enjoy it. If you do? That’s great, good for you, but I don’t like seeing those characters be portrayed as such one dimensional extremes. People aren’t like that. On the off chance that someone is such an extreme, there’s still other aspects of their personality.

DE has done an amazing job at not flattening their personalities. Nines and Gavin are three-dimensional and incredibly interesting characters I find myself invested in every time I watch it.

*Onto the commentary again.*

Gavin is still being a stalker

“Particular fascination with the RK line” AHAHA funny. She’s also an RK, and she likely knows more than Nines because her programming is based on information gathering. Her fascination begins and ends with what their programming can do for her.

The little computer details in Ada’s eyes as she copies Nines’ OS, and again in Nines’ eyes when he’s in the alley alone. I believe Michelle did all of that and I am just amazed every time I watch.

The warped voice effect.

Gavin shifting to hold Nines as soon as he passes out

The ethereal colored lighting is very good for the mood, space hospital vibes

Shoutout to the latex suit they put Maximilian in! That’s not CG! He’s wearing a full body white latex suit. I’m so sorry.

Gavin looks so tired talking to Dr. Maria. His posture is defensive, pulled into himself. Shoulders hunched, arms pulled in. Eye bags, messy hair. Boy looked messed up. Somebody hug him.

Nines’ hair being disheveled and messy in the corrupted Zen Garden, rivaling his assertion that in his ideal world (Aka the normal Zen Garden) his appearance is polished, signifying the loss of control and the loss of the Zen Garden being a safe, ideal space for him. Same concept with Sim!Gavin being corrupted.

Nines: *wakes up in his mindspace*

Also Nines, immediately: GAVIN!!1!!1

Nines believes in CONSENT!! You do not go into someone’s program without asking, ADA.

Ada’s “poor widdle baby” face as Nines is freaking out because she trapped him. Mood.

Tina wearing a low turtleneck and a flannel is Peak Gay, especially next to Gavin “I wear the same leather jacket+hoodie combo every single day and probably the same jeans for a month” Reed, aka the most disastrous and chaotic bisexual I have ever seen. Again, a mood, I honestly felt that one.

The face when Nines realizes that Ada isn’t deviant yet.

Gavin is blaming himself somebody stop this idiot.

“Not without Nines.” What a softie.

“The last thing I said to him was ‘I don’t need you’.” BITCH WHAT THE FUCK MY HEART.

Gavin calling Tina “T” in that soft voice is so sweet omg

Ugh the bisexual LIGHTING is KILLING ME, ESPECIALLY as Gavin sits at Nines’ bedside

Tina encouraging Gavin. WLW/MLM solidarity.

Fun fact: Chris Trindade told Maximilian not to react at all to the big speech but Maximilian literally started crying during it and there’s footage somewhere of the Dramatic Single Tear rolling down his face while he’s still ‘in stasis’.

Yes, I double checked the streams to make sure I got this right, I love the concept though.

Look I cannot get into the speech because I will write 1.5k words on it, but I will say this: It made me cry. The acting, the writing, it’s iconic. The amount of love and devotion they got without even saying the words “I love you” was amazing. Chris is so very talented.

THERES A TAKE WHERE GAVIN FALLS ASLEEP NEXT TO NINES’ HOSPITAL BED AKSDGAKL IM SCREAMING

Tina is the best wingman ngl

The glitches in Zen Gavin are amazing. The sequence when he’s deleting the Zen Garden is also amazing. I use amazing a lot but it’s deserved.

Nines deleting the Zen Garden and Sim!Gavin is very symbolic of letting go of all of the fake stuff, letting go of the fear he was holding that kept him from confessing to Gavin and I love that

Nines sitting silently straight up.

Gavin is highly intelligent and I’m so glad Octopunk embraces that.

*another vaguely related rant warning*

Ok let me tell y’all a thing because this RUINS MY LIFE. People tend to take characters like Percy Jackson or Dean Winchester, whose intelligence isn’t outwardly obvious from the get-go, and remove it entirely. Percy is reduced to an idiot who can’t tie his own shoes and Dean is often shown basically unable to research without Sam. Both of those are bullshit.

Percy has ADHD and Dyslexia, so when often we categorize smart as only book-smart, Percy’s intelligence as a battle strategist and his actual knowledge gets erased. Dean is usually the more physical and shoot-first-never-ask-questions type, and his intelligence is severely downplayed. He made an EMP detector from scratch. Made a shotgun, remembers how to kill things, is a very good hunter, especially on his own. But that’s thrown away because he’s not book-smart.

I despise when people take characters who are talented and smart in ways that aren’t just reciting the periodic table and reduce them to muscles and angst or drooling children.

Octopunk having a scene where Gavin is working through a case, already having done the things that Chris, someone who was only recently promoted, suggests, is just affirming Gavin’s intelligence in a way I wish I could be not surprised by. Gavin is smart, and luckily I haven’t seen much downplaying that fact. He’s a detective for a reason. Unfortunately I think it might be because the fandom tends to turn Connor and Nines into actual children, but a win is a win.

Now I’m not saying I don’t love a good himbo character but I literally had to stop interacting with Percy Jackson content because people wrote him as incapable.

*Moving on*

“I think I can help with that.” Bitch why are you so dramatic I love him so much.

Nines’ t-shirt says “Detroit City Marathon”

“You...undead asshole.” What an iconic line. I need a t-shirt.

“I...hate you.” “You love me.” Harkens back to the beginning where the roles are reversed. Yes I used that unironically. Words are fun.

Gavin looking scared right before The Kiss™️

THE PULSE POINT!! THE SCENE WAS SUPER EMOTIONAL SO MICHELLE WANTED THEM TO DO YOGA ZEN SHIT TO PREPARE AND THEN THEY JUST DID THE THING BUT THEY PUT IN THE PULSE POINT

ANYWAYS THAT’S WHAT GAVIN IS FEELING FOR ON NINES’ WRIST RIGHT BEFORE THE KISS.

I thought that was cute when I learned it in one of the streams.

Nines’ LED spinning blue when they finally kiss asgladkaf

“What dipshit programmed you to do that?” “I’m the most advanced android ever made, detective-“ “oh you are such a fuckin’ prick!” “Takes one to know one.” I canNOT with them, I laughed my ASS off

The little broken laugh Nines does

Nines rubbing his hands over Gavin’s while they talk about Gavin’s jacket

Shoutout to Chris’ surprised pikachu face. (Tina is also there) That was a joke take, it’s in the gag reel, too. The face wasn’t supposed to make it into the film but Michelle added it. (In the gag reel, Carla yells “Let’s go to Denny’s!” At the end.)

And Ada’s leather pants. Honestly?? She’s so pretty. I love her. They’re all really attractive it’s actually terrifying.

Nines and Tina being a part of the Gay Turtleneck Gang

Nines’ untucked turtleneck

Tina being a Smart Girl. (Nines calling her “Officer” and her replying with “I’ll make detective someday.”

Chris being Exhausted during the whole meeting. Me too dude.

Chris and Tina doing literally nothing while Gavin and Nines have a whole heart to heart

The WHITE COAT. Tina in her blues. Chris’ Foo Fighters shirt. They’re such icons but they absolutely look like a group of gay ppl who did NOT decide on a theme.

The fight sequence is impressive, considering that they’re literally not stunt actors. I’m not a fight choreographer or stunt person so That’s really all I have to say on that.

Chris patting Gavin’s gun after he explains what he’s doing. \

As a Jason Todd lover the crowbar is unfortunate (had to, sorry)

Nines’ smirk and the TURTLENECK as he spins away from Ada with the crowbar. Iconic. The Big Dick Energy. Especially for someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Chris being a Dad when Gavin runs off to go stop the body calibration

Ada just YEETS Gavin. Iconic.

Ada: *doing the villain “you won’t shoot me, you’re too moral” thing*

Chris: Shut the fuck up *shoots her*

Deviancy sequence, iconic

“You’re awake now” bitch get your own tag line, Markus became Robot Jesus for this shit

He’s HOLDING HER HAND while DEFENDING HER!! PLATONIC HAND HOLDING

Gavin trusting Nines’ decision immediately. Amazing. THAT’S LOVE BITCH.

The SMILES after Ada leaves!! They know they made the right choice!

Ugh the COLOR SYMBOLISM!! This is one thing that Michelle has touched on herself! Gavin isn’t wearing white in this scene because he’s not ‘fixed’, he never will be! He has trauma and he’s just barely beginning to heal from it with Nines’ help. He’s wearing grey, lighter than his usual, but still grey because they aren’t pure or innocent and they’re not perfect!! And that’s the fucking point!! It’s also a contrast against Sim!Gavin wearing white! Sim!Gavin was an idealized version of Gavin in Nines’ idealized world!! Real Gavin isn’t that!! So he’s wearing grey!!

Gavin immediately understanding that Nines is Ace and that it’s ok!! Beautiful!

“You’ve been a whole person since the day you woke up” YES!! YOU DO NOT NEED SEX TO BE WHOLE!! FUCK YEAH!!! (this is ace excitement. In the months since writing this I realized I’m aro-ace and trans so fuck yeah for ace rep.)

Gavin being a dick and making Nines tell him about the skin thing

THE KISS!! They slowly move more into the light!! Because they’re getting better TOGETHER!!

Ok before I sign off, it’s only 3 am so I think I’m awake enough to talk about this, I like that they bring up that Gavin has like, actual issues that he needs to get through. Let’s be 100% honest here, I see Gavin as having ADHD, depression, and probably a form or symptoms of PTSD. He’s kinda fucked up and I’m gonna be real here he needs some therapy. He’s got trauma and needs to work through it.

I like that at the end they explicitly have Nines understand and accept that that’s what needs to happen. As someone who has actually had relationships ruined because of trauma (on both sides) that we were unprepared to work through together, if I had seen something like that? Game changer. As it was, most relationships I had seen were idealized and seemed to “fix” those issues by way of just being in a relationship. Thanks major media.

Now that the Detroit Evolution post series is over, I’m gonna be a bit sentimental and say that this film quite literally changed my life. Seriously. Michelle is such a big inspiration for me and I can only hope to be the same for someone else.

If you ever have a chance to check out any of the amazing people who worked on this film, please do. To put into context how big this was: I changed my ideal college major from Forensics to Film.

That’s it that’s all, ending this post at 3:24 am before I literally start crying over it. Thanks for suffering through my long-winded explanations, I hope you enjoyed. Have a wonderful day.

#theo watches Detroit Evolution #octopunk media #reed900 #gavin reed #rk900 #look I tagged Michelle because I have shit impulse control and I wanted y'all to have like #a direct link to her page #i might cry if she sees this and comments on it #seriously I might #happy tears though #it's 3 am and my tic is back #I have no impulse control rn #and I would fight god #also if y'all wanna request something head to the askbox or the dms #I'll look into it

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aching-tummies · 3 years

Note

Have you ever dealt with food-restriction or ED or whatever?

I really debated answering this one. I understand that it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and I do go into some personal details with my struggles, so I'm going to put most of that under a cut.

I know a lot of blogs have something like "we do not stan ED in this house" and that's the extent of their address on the topic and some get pretty angry if anyone even mentions ED around them. I get it, it's a triggering topic and it can be unhealthy and maybe hearing about it or seeing it or whatever pushes someone (back) into bad habits. I understand all that. In my opinion though, shutting down the topic is problematic. I believe that destigmatization saves lives--and not just for ED. Making it a dirty little secret and something one feels ashamed of talking about or struggling with creates more problems. It doesn't go away just because someone feels they cannot talk about it. I'm on the side of destigmatization--where "how are you" is an actual question rather than a casual greeting where "good" or "great" are the only acceptable answers. No--it's supposed to be a question and we shouldn't have to feel ashamed when we are going through crap. Maybe neither party has time to get into it then and there and maybe the other party isn't comfortable/or the right person to go to with those particular issues...but "how are you" is supposed to be a genuine question, not a greeting.

Short answer to whether or not I've dealt with food-restriction or ED: yes.

I don't want to invite drama onto my blog with this...but I think it's time I said something on the topic. For one, I'm sick of how people go "we don't stan ana on this blog--GTFO" and leave the discussion at that. I don't think that is healthy. People that actually struggle with EDs and Ana maybe want to get help...but professional/formal help is not always accessible and not necessarily always the right tool for what they are going through in that moment. I understand that EDs are unhealthy and I am not trying to glorify them...but I want to say that I care about the people struggling with the stuff and I admire their resilience. There's enough shaming going on around the world and I'm not going to dish it out to someone struggling with an ED. I'm not going to make it out to be something that's taboo to talk about like it's some dirty little secret. I want to de-stigmatize it. I want a world where someone can be like, "I struggle with food/eating and I had a setback last night" and those of us listening can be like, "Alright. Is there something you need/want me to do with that information? How can I help?" Currently, I see a lot of, "Shh! That's a triggering topic! Do you want to set off all the other ED suffer-ers in here?! Don't talk about that noise!" even in my IRL friend groups and I think it's just sad. These are the same friends that are constantly reblogging, "It's okay to not be okay" and “I’m a safe person to tell stuff to” stuff but clearly they don't believe that.

The way I see it, living with EDs is like living with a pet alligator. It was once small and cute and early on maybe you made one choice: you chose to keep it. Great...well, now it's grown and it's a problem and you don't know what to do with a full-grown alligator that eyes you like you're it's next meal. Who do you talk to when everyone shuts you down and maybe there isn't an "animal control" number you can reach out to because it's expensive or it doesn't exist in your area or they're so over-booked that you'll be alligator-chum before they get to you? That's how I see ED. It's terrifying but it's still 'your' pet alligator, even if you feel more like it's pet human at times.

Onto the personal aspects.

I've never been officially diagnosed with an ED and I don't believe I've ever done something that's extremely dangerous on this front. That being said I have (and sometimes still do) struggle with intrusive thoughts about my body.

I'm "average" sized...maybe on the bigger side of average in North America...however, there's a different standard in Asian culture. Like the "Asian F". I was always told I was supposed to be smaller. I was supposed to be no more than 5'3, no more than 110lbs, have a bust no bigger than 34C, and be able to fit into anything marketed to teens and up. Yeah...I'm none of that.

I'm going to try not to rant and get angry and upset...so here goes, take 7 on trying to answer this.

I grew up surrounded by judgmental adults. I eat and I'm fat; I refuse to eat or eat less and I'm exhibiting worrisome behavior. My take away: I bring dishonour on my cow no matter what I do. Sure, there are those that'll be like, "they'll judge me whether I eat or not so I may as well eat some good food"...yeah...that's not me. Choosing to skip the meal and the company entirely is the only way I feel/felt like I 'win'...but as a child that wasn't an option.

I mostly ate alone in University, but my brain filled in for the silence of judgmental comments. If I ate my whole lunch in one sitting I'd get upset with myself. I'd pack smaller portions and I'd be aware they were smaller, but I'd still be upset with myself for finishing it...or even finishing it and still being hungry. If I caved and bought a sugary drink or a snack or something because it looked good, I'd scold myself for using up the food budget as well as the calories budget. I used to break apart individual cookies--one cookie would take 3-4 sittings/days for me to allow myself to finish because I'd only allow myself two fractured pieces at a time. Some days, i.e. weekends, I'd intentionally skip a meal or two and rationalize that I was simply indulging in kink and that I'd eat later. I always did end up eating later and going about my life as normal. "Fasting once in a while is supposed to be healthy", I'd tell myself...but I won't deny that there was some part of me that would tell me that every skipped meal and calorie ignored was gradually working toward shrinking my body.

Despite how it sounds, I wasn't actually doing noticable damage to my body. Physically, I was within the realm of healthy...maybe on the bigger side of average and definitely not mentally sound...but my body was fine. My body didn't change--I didn't gain or lose weight. I ate...I just felt bad about it and beat myself up about it. In retrospect, it was a heck of a lot of mental anguish I did to myself with nothing to show for it.

Life after University is pretty stressful. Stress doesn't agree with my tummy so I got (and still get) frequent upset stomachs. I've become pretty conscious of eating and how my stomach feels so I end up being careful to eat less so that there is less to upset my tummy. I do it because an upset stomach is inconvenient...but I do enjoy the fact that it seems I have lost a little weight. Losing weight isn't a big part of my rational though. My coworkers have mentioned that I look thinner. I don’t see much of a change when I look in the mirror...but my belt does up two notches tighter without too much fuss so I guess I have slimmed down just a smidge. I didn't intend to lose weight, I just cut down on eating because I didn't want to deal with so many upset stomachs...I think I'm allowed to enjoy the unintentional weight loss without it being a problem...but if I had a problem then I guess what I think about this situation doesn't count for much.

I wish I was thinner--just enough to fit into acceptable sizes in the women's section. Enough to not feel like "the big one" when among my friends. I don't idealize the extremes of weight-loss...like...I don't want to be able to count my ribs or have my joints be wider around than my biceps or whatever. And I don't feel like I'm obsessed with losing weight/being thinner. It's something I want...but I also want a burrito and a can of Cola. I tend to partake more than I deny myself nowadays...just in smaller portions. I’ll still get mad at myself for indulging...but I do indulge and try to lessen the mental kicking by splitting things between two meals or something. I still break apart my cookies and eat them over the course of a couple of days...but most of that is because I run out of time to enjoy the treat or because I want to ration it so that I don't have to spend money to buy another one every single time. I don't try to count calories and all that. I still see eating less as a good thing...but I'll still eat a decent portion...I won't pick at my food rather than eat it.

My opinion here, but I don't think I'm unhealthily obsessing over weight and body issues and stuff. They're a part of my life but I don't think they do enough to be super problematic at this stage in my life.

And now onto the tie-in with the content on this blog. I've answered quite a few asks about how I feel about 'stuffing' and the thing that rhymes with "Geight Wain" with "for reasons I don't want to share, I'm not comfortable with that stuff". Most of the reasons I was thinking of for those asks is covered in the personal stuff above. I'm not comfortable with stuffing and the big "double-u gee" because for all of my life I've felt or internalized some judgements about body size and weight. It's very upsetting for me. It's also why I hate a lot of the degradation talk and things mentioning chub or fat or rolls or whatever--because it brings be back to being a kid sitting amongst judgmental adults feeling ashamed of how much of the universe’s matter I took up. If other people like those tags they're free to do so...I just don't want that sort of thing shoved into my face or imposed onto me because it makes me feel bad and makes me remember bad times. I’m into tum-kink and stuff and would love to indulge IRL with an actual partner someday...but I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with putting on weight or even RPing something like that. The thought of getting bigger terrifies me and it’s not something I want encouragement for personally. You do you if that’s what you’re into...just leave me out of it.

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boy-bi · 3 years

Text

a little vent

i know this is mostly a lgbtq positivity and education account but i really just need to vent tonight. jesus fucking christ its hard to be queer sometimes. i dont know if i have any coherent thoughts or any way to really sum this all up but its so hard and isolating sometimes. i just want to love. i just want to be me and i cant fucking do that without being reminded of how hard it is. i was listening to the kurtis conner podcast from a couple weeks back while i was at work and he has a little advice section and it was a young queer kid asking for advice on how to deal with a homophobic religious father who has been great except for how homophobic he is. ofc kurtis is a cishet man so he kinda was just like "damn that rlly sucks im sorry idk what to say" (im paraphrasing and this is not a callout post or anything im just giving background) and it fucking broke me. like i dont go half of what anon goes through but it really resonated with me. my younger sister came out recently and the way my mom has brought it up just breaks my heart. she's supportive and what not but its just like.... she doesn't see her the same way. she never will. and its the same for my extended family and im so fucking sick of it. and the worst part is i cant change anything. this isnt some fucking disney channel original movie where everyone realizes that gay people are normal and everything is okay; me coming out would forever change my family dynamic and there's nothing I can ever do about it. i was again reading some fanfic and boom outta nowhere it talked about how hard it is to be gay and it hurt my fucking soul again. like I cant even consume media that represents me without being reminded of how shitty the world is. i just wanna love. i just want to be like straight people and just love. but I cant. idk if this is defeatist or just a small set of experiences that will change when im older, but this is all I've ever known. and this is literally one of the better case scenarios; im not in danger, im out to a bunch of my friends, and there are so many queer people who have it so so so so much worse than i do. but im just tired.

ig i wanted to share this for a couple of reasons. i feel this blog sometimes romanticizes queerness in an irresponsible way. i repost happy and educational things because i don't want people scrolling through to be sad, and to not constantly feel weighed down and hollowed by the realness of the world. but its important for u all to know that i do not live a fairy tale queer experience, and for anyone who feels similarly, you are not alone. i guess i also posted this for advice or a cry of help for sorts. i need someone to tell me that it gets better. that this feeling goes away or gets easier to manage. i don't want to live my life with the ever-present thought of "being straight would be easier" in the back of my head. sometimes i feel so isolated and lonely with all of this stuff and it gets too much to bear.

anyways, that's my vent. pls lmk if i need to tag anymore trigger warnings, i tried to do the best i could. i doubt anyone is, but if anyone is worried pls do not be, i am safe and okay.

idk how to end this long ass post. im sorry for how depressing this post is. im just tired. im tired of hating myself, im tired of fearing for how my relationships have/will change, im tired of this stupid ass planet, im tired of not being able to love, and im tired of crying. i wish i could end this on a good note, and there are so many positives!! like we are living in the most progressive age and things have gotten so so so so so much better. but sometimes i wish i could just be straight, or live my life like a straight person does. i know im gonna look back at this and cringe or whatever, but irdc. sorry to vent to strangers on the internet, but if any older queer people could give me advice or their thoughts, i would rlly appreciate it. anyways, i love u all and i hope u guys have a good night <3

#tw interalized homophobia #tw homophobia #tw vent #vent post #queerness #lgbtq youth #bisexual #queer #lgbtq+#lgbtq #queer community

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why-are-you-even-here-tho · 3 years

Text

okay people. i’m gonna be spitting a lot of Words. because i’m feeling a lot of Feelings at the moment and i don’t know how to express them through any other methods so. yeah.

this is just gonna be me venting so. probably wouldn’t recommend reading but idk u do u i guess. i put most of the things that i think are triggers in the tags, but i’m actual shit at tagging so. if literally anything is gonna affect you negatively just. don’t read. i can’t tag everything and yeah. idk. to the cut now i guess. bye.

hi lmaooo what the fUCK am i writing lmaoo

so. first. my past week has been fucking shit.

first, i was super fuckin stressed cause i had chair placement auditions for band, a 70 point spanish vocab test, and a 5-7 minute presentation of elizabethan crime and punishment all due in the span of two fucking hours on wednesday. and my stepmother. has the fucking a u d a c i t y. to tell me that i’m actually only allowed to study (on my computer, where everything is) for one hour after school each day. like honey i can’t control what i’m fuckin assigned. and she’s already shitty with me cause she thinks that i’m not doing anything when i’m on my computer (which, despite what you all have seen of me, is not true lmao). so she’s super fuckin dumb about that.

second. my chickens. which i call my chickens because, up until recently, i was the only person that did jack shit for those fuckin birds. literally. stepmother bought the food and sold the eggs. maybe went outside once every couple weeks. it pissed me off but you know. whatever. that’s not even what i’m talking about this time. but she goes out there, before i do my daily stuff for them, and comes back in- whirlwind if pissed off cause the stuff isn’t done. like honey i haven’t done that yet. and she gets bitchy cause i haven’t done it yet and starts to go on about how she knew that i secretly hated the chickens and that she bet that i intentionally fucking killed some of them (cause a few of them actually disappeared this week)?? like what in the fUCK??? i would never fuckin do that??? and i love hearing her complain about what food and water is full to the top as if she bothers doing literally anything to help with them. so i’m now not even allowed in my own fucking backyard because apparently i’m a fuckin serial chicken killer. fuck that.

third. i had. the audacity to forget an entire assignment. and stepmother dearest sees it. and goes fuckin apeshit. i am the epitome of disrespectful and useless and such a little bitch and stupid and do i need someone to go with me to school every day and hold my hand and remind me to breathe? and like. i can take that, in a way. it’s the normal shit i get from this woman. what really, for some odd reason, got me this time? when she asked, i think completely sincerely, actually, if there was some sort of implant that could make me better. like bitch. i’m not a fucking dog, you don’t need to fucking chip me so you know where i am all the time. i’m not a fucking robot that needs a fucking upgrade so that my fucking memory is better. i haven’t really said anything to her (or anyone really) about this (cause i don’t fuckin trust her not to give me shit because of it) but i have. a fuckin Issue. with fuckin dehumanization. and that hit. every single fucking button. so i’m fucking pissed and just decide that hey. i’m gonna go to my room for a minute. so i don’t fucking murder my dad’s wife. and i get shit for that too!!! like what in the fUCK???? and now i’m at my grandma’s for some length of time. in fuckin exile.

fourth, because i feel like it’s its own thing. my stepmom. as i’m going to my grandma’s for my tommyinnit arc. stops me for a minute. uses her “i’m being genuine (lie) and just trying to make you understand my point of view (with the attitude that it is the only one that matters cause yeah) because being me is hard :(” voice. tells me. “I just want to help you, but you being here makes me think about hurting myself.” which. yes, i understand is not a thing to just dismiss. i do kinda feel shitty about it. but also. 2 things. one, she said it in such a tone of voice that practically screamed “this is a lie to make you feel like shit”. and two, she?? also does this?? to me??? like honey. the blood on the inside of the thighs of my pants and the pocketknife blade hidden in my jewelry box are saying a bit more about “thinking about hurting myself” than you, sitting there on the couch, rewatching game of thrones for the third time. i sound like an asshole in this bit. but i’m just. fuckin angry.

fuckin angry and fuckin pissed at myself. cause maybe if i didn’t fuck that assignment up, i’d not be in so much trouble. if i did the chicken stuff earlier that day i’d be at home still. if i could focus more in class my parents might not be as easy to piss off. if i were just. better. if i were not. like this. if i could do more than just “try to” change. if i could look at my issues and actually work to fix them rather than staying up till midnight on a weekday, spending over an hour typing a fucking essay about the shit i’ve been through this week that nobody is gonna read. maybe even if i just. weren’t here.

i wasn’t supposed to exist. there were. so many signs. telling my parents that they shouldn’t have kids. one - the fact?? that my mom had no less than four miscarriages??? before she got pregnant with me??? one would think that they may stop trying after like. two. and my mom already had one son! it was with her first husband (red flag right there lmao) but she had! a kid! already! why go through all that pain? idk. i’m not, and never will be, a parent. two - my parents! actually did! decide to stop trying! to have a kid! and then my bitchy little -9 month old ass was like “hey bitches are you ready for 16 years of hell?” three - there were so many issues with my (i mean. not mine but the only one i’ve been involved in) pregnancy. like. mom got badly sick like. 3 times. she told me one day that her doctor told her that it would be healthier for me? if she kept smoking while she was pregnant???? so that’s fun. and i’m positive that it was not just nicotine. yeah. fun. don’t necessarily have an issue with weed but like. bro. you’re pregnant. no thanks. four - i was a cesarean. not that that’s really an issue. but. i felt like it might go on here. five - i refused! to breathe! on my own! for almost 24 hours! this might have meant something!!!!!

i don’t even know what i’m writing anymore honestly. i’m feeling emotions and i hate it. it’s midnight. i’ve spent over an hour writing this. why am i not working on my fic. bye.

i would like access to alcohol please lmao

#ask to tag #tw caps #caps tw #murder tw #tw murder #tw sh #sh tw #tw self harm #self harm tw #tw smoking #smoking tw #tw alcohol #alcohol tw #istg every other word in this is fuck lmao #oops

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