#ask to tag if i missed anything
I take my meds, I get sleepy
I eat food, I get sleepy
I dont eat food, I get sleepy
I do anything?? BAM sleep time babey that's what my body is telling me
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hi, sorry, this feels like a given and like a post i shouldn't have a reason to make because its so obvious, but like. we understand that sunny has not stopped making fun of mac for being gay right. like they've just shifted from "haha mac is gay but hes in denial! look he wants to oil up men. lol charlie called him gay and he didn't get the joke" to "haha mac is the creepy weird hypersexual gay dude that cant take a hint and is in love with dennis even though he doesn't feel the same way and jerks it to his bible and crashes the office computer looking at porn" like they didn't. i love mac and i'm not at all saying my problem lies with him coming out, but in a lot of ways his coming out was just a way to revamp the jokes they'd been making for a decade or so because they were starting to get bored with them or whatever, while feeding their egos at the same time bc they're like. "progressive". mfhip (which is an episode i do like in it's own way, to be clear) isn't some fucking triumph its them just ignoring the fact that they've turned mac's sexuality into such a caricature for one episode so they can be like "look.... look he did a dance look ! gay rights solved :) look at us look what we did! you're welcome :)" and then immediately go back to like. everything else.
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One minute sketches of them all!
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I think part of the reason that there’s such a dissonance between what kind of character Matthew is ~supposed~ to have and what kind of poor traits shine through, especially in his treatment of Alastair, is not just because of CC’s poor handling of alcoholism (and, in my opinion, mental health issues and depression) but also because: Our first introduction to these characters happened a long ways before some major changes to TLH.
Namely… Alastair and Cordelia were basically white in CC’s original planning. There’s just no way around that. Their flower cards, where they’re not just whitewashed but purely white, prove that (and they STILL haven’t been updated, by the way.)
Also, Alastair’s hair: in CoG it was dyed blond, and CC wrote it off implicitly as a racism thing when she decided he was Persian (which I guess happened after the short story where we met Alastair and before TLH) , which would have been fine it if it was an arc written better. Except, I don’t think she realized that it would make Matthew’s comments about Alastair inherently and obviously racist, being a white author. And I doubt that it will be dealt with and named or even acknowledged outright in the final TLH installment.
Kind of the same thing with Cordelia. I’m not saying POC can’t have like red hair because obviously POC don’t come in a prepackaged set of five or six traits that are all configured randomly, but something has always rubbed me the wrong way about the way that CC writes the majority of her POC and especially WOC as exotic. I mean, Kamala as a character is to me a special favorite (even though CC did her dirty and didn’t do a good job portraying her character or intersectional identity) but I rolled my eyes so hard when she had lighter brown or “amber” eyes in canon or officially commissioned art. With Cordelia, I know CC once said she uses henna to redden her hair which is great for her, and I guess I have less of a bone to pick with that because it’s semi(?) realistic, but still. Also the fact that so much of her description as a beautiful person comes from her hair. Again that’s cool, and women of color should be loved wholly including being loved for the parts of them that they freely change (such as Cordelia’s hair) but… the proportion of the fixation on her hair as what makes her lovely rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I feel like it’s sometimes an out from CC making the ~scandalous~ decision that a woman of color can be beautiful because of the traits she is born with. Idk it’s just for me I had this long standing repulsion towards my colorings and my facial structure and white girls would tell me I was whiny about it and then I finally began to piece together things like “Eurocentric beauty standards.”
Going on a tangent slightly, but something else that bothered me was when Anna insulted Cordelia after buying her those dresses and everyone kinda treating it as a compliment? And just cause Cordelia, a fictional teenager, didn’t get mad about it doesn’t mean readers of color can’t see the underlying racism behind “Cordelia looks MUCH better in these dresses which are SUITED for her skin tone.”
I think that narrative could have been handled much better: if it was Cordelia picking out her own clothes as an act of maturity and self-realization and ownership, if Cordelia herself said (in a different way lol) “Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.” And I think some people will argue that Cordelia’s context makes this too self aware of a development but I would say that it would have been a powerful part of her development outside of her relationships, especially considering that she’s supposed to be a main protagonist. Full arcs for the win baby!
But even aside from all that what bothered me about Anna’s dresses was the fact that it was a white woman showing the “truth” or the “right way” or “saving” a woman of color, a trope which I don’t think CC intended but committed nonetheless. I think from a white author POV the thinking was “Anna is such a free bohemian who lives true to herself and she’s going to help Cordelia become that way too,” which irks me because I feel like that just worked against CC in terms of POC rep and also because that same ideology is used in an attempt to make Anna’s treatment of Kamala justified even though Anna as an out person, with racial and economic privilege and the support of an extensive and powerful family network, pressured and tormented Kamala into coming out.
I have a lot of thoughts on that relationship, mainly: it shouldn’t have been dragged out this long because from the beginning, Every Exquisite Thing, it was clear they were looking for different things. And if CC had left it at that and let them go on their separate ways after a week of knowing each other that would have been fine: Kamala can’t do an out and proud relationship and Anna doesn’t want secrecy, so they’ll develop on their own. And then later Kamala’s pursuit of Anna in the actual TLH books was I think meant to be a thing about “the lengths you’ll go for true love” but it felt forced. Honestly… It just feels icky. like this woman of color is just so hung up on this white woman who abuses her repeatedly and can’t handle her own misogyny and internalizations. And I hate that because both had such awesome potential! To me it’s less that I dislike Anna ( I’d need a whole other post to explain that) and more that I dislike CC for wanting so bad to claim sapphic rep but not wanting to put in the effort to portray it effectively- and pretty much all that entails is writing the relationship without acting like it exists in a pseudo-vacuum where the history and realities of interracial relationships and queerphobia don’t exist in the way we obviously recognize and experience.
And characters like Cordelia and Alastair are amazing and have so much potential; I think the true origin of the problems with their portrayal is that they weren’t really intended as POC or even queer representation in the first place. I don’t know if Cassie would have taken a different approach to her characterization had she known Alastair would be a brown gay man when she first introduced him, but I hope it would have at least made her more conscientious of the inherent application of colonialism and racism in her storytelling from that point onward.
I want to finally add that I’m not saying any portrayal of racism is bad. I’m saying that the racism in the story is not part of a conscious framework that critiques racism appropriately. I think CC wrote the beginnings of the narrative, decided she was going to develop the diversity point content, and then either didn’t look back at the older content to analyze it and the other (white characters) through a new lens of race and outsiderness and queer personhood, or she looked at it and didn’t know what to do with it, or looked at it and didn’t care.
Sorry this got so long! Thanks for listening.
I feel like CC handled everything poorly in regards to characters who had a lot of potential.
The fact that Cordelia and Alastair are both originally white and it's so obvious in the way every bit of racism is handled by the characters. Matthew's comments in CLS are very important and they should've been handled with the same severity that Alastair's words were. CC changing the characters to POC was a big decision and when she did so she should've went back and actually read her own material. I can assure you that it will not be handled in CHOT, my expectations for CC recognizing the importance and gravity in the words she writes regarding racism or any of her "implied racism" bullshit have gone to the ground.
Because while golden eyes are obviously so easy to write when discussing discrimination obviously racism is out of the question /j
THAT'S EXACTLY IT, POC women in these books are so pathetically rare that on the rare occurrence that she does write them they should all be given these features that aren't as common in POC and written as more beautiful because of those features. I read CHOG after I became more appreciative of my ethnic features but if I had read this a year or so ago? Or even if I had read it after just feeling insecure in general? It would've been awful. The implication is that the lighter features in POC are the most beautiful, with Cordelia's red hair being put on a higher pedestal than her dark eyes and Kamala's eyes being focused on more than her hair (because I literally went back and counted the numbers to prove it and it's exactly what happens.)
I'm sure Cordelia's hair is stunning, but it's the way that when she's described (or more accurately being sexualized) it is just her hair and body that is shown, not the color of her skin or the color of her eyes.
God the pastel thing pisses me off so much. It's not even that Anna tells Cordelia that she would look better in darker colors it's that she says it suits her skin tone. Implying that anyone with brown skin should be barred from wearing pastels. And Kamala? In the few times she is described, she's wearing dark colors or champagne gold, never light blue or purple or pink WHICH HONESTLY SUITS HER PERSONALITY. It's also the way that the dresses Anna sent her are described to be more revealing- it's weird. Anna barely knew her when she started dictating everything that Cordelia could put on her body.
“Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.”
I literally would have loved that. It recognizes that she doesn't need to follow these "rules" on what to wear but still shows her choosing what she wants to wear without making all the darker skinned readers feel like they can't wear a certain color.
I think what some people fail to realize is that these books are also aimed at upper elementary and middle school and a middle schooler with dark skin reading something like that? In a book with characters they love? It's going to be so harmful
Someone else mentioned that CC said Kamanna's relationship was complicated because Kamala didn't defend Anna: Defend her FROM WHAT? Literally what is there to threaten Anna?
These books are filled with tokenism and then praised for it. The idea of Kamala X Anna has so much potential but they're portrayed in such a toxic way. Throughout the last through books Kamala puts herself through so much guilt and regret and turmoil just for Anna to literally use her, blame her, and cast her aside. And it's so fucking annoying because it pushes this idea that this woman of color who was terrified and in an extremely vulnerable position is in the wrong for choosing her safety and presents them as guilty and shameful for doing such a thing.
I would disagree, the portrayal of racism is bad, because it is used at random points in the story and never brought up again, if you interduce racism take it seriously it's not the kind of thing you're meant to half-ass in a book thousands of people will read
I agree on everything else though, so much of these books are incredibly harmful and they are presented to a young audience so it's overall just a gross situation
Thank you for the ask though! I loved answering this, if you ever have anything else you're more than welcome to come back <3
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not to be parasocial or set the bar way fuckin low w friendship or anything but sometimes i see clips or scs of like. ccs supporting each other or sticking up for each other, being comfortable with each other and like. wow! god i wish i had that
Happy Endings Don’t Exist
this au is not dead!!!!!!!!!!!! wow!!!!!!!!!
it has been. a month. i am so sorry.
fun fact: i actually wrote this like a month ago but never actually posted this yes hellbrain is still suffering from writer’s block it’s not wonderful i am fine
uhhhhh word count: 2823
tw: oh god uh, mentions of guns/bullet holes, blood, tyrannical rulers, death, parent death, mentions of stabbing, mentions of hospital rooms, please tell me if i missed anything
Kate ran a hand over the smooth rock that the throne was carved from, relishing the silence. The throne room itself was a mess, furniture still strewn across the floor, marked with bullet holes, and it reeked of the cleaning supplies that had been used to scrub the blood from the floor. Kate’s blood, Levana’s blood, Farrah’s blood, Mattie’s blood… so much blood. But it was quiet and otherwise empty, so Kate had escaped there.
So many things had happened in this room. Kate shivered when they thought about it, about all the people who’d sat in this chair before her. Levana, most recently. Before her, Kate’s own mother. Channary and Levana’s parents, Kate’s grandparents.
Kate thought about Channary a lot. In one of the palace’s hallways, there was a line of holographic portraits of past kings and queens, names Kate didn’t want to know but that their system committed to memory anyway. At the end of the line was Channary Blackburn, and Kate had sat in front of her holographic portrait for an hour, staring at the face of her mother. A woman Kate had no memory of - she’d died just weeks before Kate’s first birthday. She’d been queen for just about two years before she’d died, leaving Levana as queen regent, and Kate’s system had put together an entire file in their head with all the articles and papers and history there was about Queen Channary. But the articles didn’t tell Kate as much as the people who remembered her did.
Queen Channary had died fifteen years ago, so there weren’t many people left who’d also worked under her, but Kate had asked to see everyone who had. There was Clark’s father, Garrison Winslett, a tall palace guard with a soft voice and kind eyes. He’d made Kate feel safe, but he’d refused to share many details, claiming Kate didn’t need to know.
“That’s in the past now, Your Highness,” he’d said. “You need only concern yourself with Luna’s future.”
Which, while that hadn’t told Kate any of the details that they’d been looking for, did say volumes about what kind of queen Channary had been.
As Kate met the rest of Channary’s former subjects, they learned more and more about her. When Kate was a kid, living with Adri, they’d used to spend the bad nights imagining what her mother would have been like before the hover crash she’d been told had killed their parents. She’d imagined a kind, loving woman, with a soft voice and a gentle smile, who’d loved Kate with her entire heart. Kate had imagined walking home from school and telling their mother about their day while she listened attentively, a hand stroking Kate’s hair as they walked together. Snowy days where Kate’s mother would take her sledding at a neighborhood park, then bring her home and wrap them in a blanket and tell stories until Kate fell asleep.
Sitting in that dark, abandoned hallway, face lit up by the gentle light from the hologram, Kate thought about those old daydreams and scoffed a little bit. That’s not who Channary was.
Channary was beautiful and cruel. She was impulsive and vain and saw being queen as a right, not a privilege, not a responsibility. She didn’t care much about improving Luna, about helping the citizens she was sworn to protect. Instead, she threw dozens of lavish parties and flirted with just about every man that entered the palace and left most of the important decisions to the thaumaturges and to her younger sister, Princess Levana.
Honestly, it wasn’t a surprise that Levana had so easily won over the Lunar population. While she was terrifying, murderous, and corrupt, at least at the beginning she’d been dedicated to the job and did help grow Luna’s economy, which was probably a relief after Channary’s lazy, unproductive, brief rule.
Kate had sat alone in the hallway with the smiling image of her mother for exactly an hour, seven minutes, and eighteen seconds, according to their internal clock, before Eva appeared around the corner, calling Kate’s name. Kate glanced up at her, then looked back at Channary, and didn’t watch Eva while she came and sat next to them on the cold marble floor.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Eva asked softly.
Kate didn’t touch her - normally, she was comforting, but Kate couldn’t handle being touched right now. “My mom.”
They didn’t speak for a moment.
“She was a really terrible queen,” Kate murmured eventually. “And a shitty person.”
“I read up a little on her, when I was on the Rampion with you guys,” Eva said softly. “I just… I knew a bunch about your aunt, but not about her, so…”
“I almost did. I was too scared, though.” Kate thought for a moment, then dryly laughed. “I had reason to be scared. She fucking sucked.”
“She sort of did,” Eva agreed.
They were quiet for a few more minutes.
“She looks a lot like me, doesn’t she?” Kate asked softly. “But, like… a thousand times more beautiful.”
“She looks like…” Eva hesitated. “Your glamour. At the ball. When you fell and your glamour came up… you looked like that. Almost exactly.”
“Oh.” Kate hugged their knees, a headache pulsing behind her eyes.
They sat awkwardly in silence for a while, before eventually Kate couldn’t take it anymore. “Can we go?”
Eva let Kate help her to her feet. “Let’s go.”
That was yesterday. Now, Kate sat in the throne room, Luna’s artificial night darkening the corners, a crescent Earth visible in the dark sky beyond the protective dome. Sitting on the throne made Kate think of Channary, wonder how many meetings they’d attended as a baby, but this was also the room where Levana had finally been dethroned.
Those last few minutes were sort of a blur. Kate remembered firing the gun, remembered Levana pretending to surrender, and then there was just a flash of pain through their chest, and warnings flashing across her vision, and Eva screaming, and then… nothing. Waking up in that small, white, sterile room with a stranger bent over her left hand and Eva holding their right.
But Kate was told what happened. That Levana died and Kate didn’t. And Queen Selene finally took her throne.
Kate leaned her head back against the hard marble throne and breathed a shaky sigh.
“I thought you’d be in here,” said a familiar voice. Kate didn’t open their eyes but smiled. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Kate tapped their human fingers against the arm of the throne. “Just… wanted to be alone. Did you know that when you’re a queen, it’s surprisingly hard to find alone time?”
“Crazy,” Eva said flatly. “I never would’ve thought.”
Kate scrunched her nose, eyes still closed. “I mean, I get it. There’s a lot to be done, a lot I’m responsible for fixing, but… I just needed a minute. So I’m hiding.”
Eva laughed a little and walked into the room, her footsteps echoing off the walls. Kate finally looked at her, taking her in, her gentle smile and soft eyes, one hand behind her back. “A hoodie makes a pretty good disguise, you know. Wanna borrow mine?”
“Ugh, please.” Kate tucked their legs up, curling up on the throne. “Did you bring it with you?”
“I did, actually.” Eva shrugged. “It’s, like, a comfort object at this point.” She turned to look out the window, at the view Kate was staring at. “It’s so weird to see Earth where I feel like the moon should be.”
“It’s beautiful.” Kate leaned their head against the chair again, smiling softly when Eva turned back to look at her.
Eva bit her lip. “I have to tell you something.”
Kate’s smile faded. “You’re leaving.”
“Not now. But yeah, I am.” Eva scuffed the floor with her shoe. “My ship is supposed to leave the port in about 46 hours.”
Less than two days.
Kate looked away, at a crack in the wall. Mattie, Farrah, Chess, and Cairo had left yesterday. About a week from now, Annleigh and Clark would leave for their first ambassadorial mission to Earth. And now Eva was leaving, and Kate (and Reese, they supposed) would be left alone.
“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered, angry at how small and pathetic it sounded. “I mean, I know you have to, and you have your own country to worry about, but…”
“I know.” Eva’s voice was gentle and understanding. “I don’t- I’m not looking forward to being so far away from you, but I have to.”
“Sometimes I forget, you know?” Kate admitted. “That we’re… you know. Monarchs. Revolutionaries. Whatever. Like, people know us, know our names, and we’re responsible for them, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes. You’re just… you. You’re just Eva, you’re my girlfriend and you’re dorky and sweet and awkward and I love you, a lot, and I really like it when the world is just you and me.”
“Me, too.” Eva sighed. “Maybe- maybe you should come and visit soon? It could be, like, symbolic of the new alliance, or I could make up some sort of political crisis…?”
Kate smiled. “We’d never pull it off.”
“We could try.”
Kate laughed a little, and Eva did too, and for a second, things were better again, but then the reality crashed right back into Kate like a wave. “I’m going to miss you. So much.”
“Being a queen might not leave much time for being lonely.”
“I doubt that.” Kate suddenly felt awkward sitting on the throne, and stood up, coming to stand beside Eva, close enough to touch - but not quite touching, not yet. Two more days just… wasn’t enough time. Kate wanted more - wanted Eva every damn minute of every day. Wanted to hold her close and never let go. Wanted to grab her and drag her onto a ship and just leave, live forever in the stars, just the two of them.
But they couldn’t.
“You know,” Eva said thoughtfully, slipping her hand into Kate’s, “I spent so long avoiding a marriage alliance with Luna. But now, when it’s no longer necessary, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”
Kate lightly nudged her. “Stop that.”
“It’s a shame you can’t blush.” Eva leaned over and brushed a light kiss against Kate’s temple. “I’m not saying I didn’t mean it, though.”
Kate bit their lip and rolled her eyes.
“I have something for you.”
“I swear to fuck, it had better not be an engagement ring,” Kate threatened.
Eva grinned mischieviously and stepped back, kneeling on one knee.
Kate crossed their arms, tamping down the flutter in her stomach. “Eva-”
“I’ve been waiting a long time to give this to you.”
Eva pulled her hand from behind her back, revealing a small metal foot. A cluster of wires stuck up from the cavity, and the whole thing had smudges of grease.
“I hate you,” Kate muttered.
“Are you, like, disappointed?” Eva asked. “Because if you want, I bet Luna has some great jewelry stores-”
“Shut up.” Kate took the cyborg foot from her, studying it. It was so familiar, yet so foreign. “Why the hell do you even have this?”
“I don’t know, really. I kinda wondered…” Eva went a little bit pink. “I thought maybe if I could find the cyborg who fit this foot, it would be a sign we were meant for each other? But then I realized it would probably only fit an eight-year-old.”
“Close enough.” She bit her lip. “But really, I just… it was all I had when I thought you were- when I thought I’d never see you again. I couldn’t let you go that easily.”
Kate studied it for another moment, then glanced up at Eva, one eyebrow raised. “Why are you still kneeling?”
“You’ll have to get used to people kneeling to you. Happens a lot when you’re royalty,” Eva said, standing up.
Kate reached for her hand. “Maybe I should make a rule that the proper way to address your monarch is with a high-five.”
“Genius. I’m gonna do that too.”
Kate stepped closer, just an inch from Eva’s face. “Maybe I’ll also make a rule that the proper way for the queen of Luna to greet the empress of the Eastern Commonwealth is a kiss.”
“Even better.” Eva kissed them, and Kate reveled in it, in the feeling of finally, unapologetically loving Eva the way she wanted to love her, and being loved back just as much. “Although,” Eva murmured as they broke apart, “I doubt it’d be relevant in a hundred years or so. Might be a bit awkward.”
“Actually, about that…” Kate led Eva to the edge of the room and sat down, both of them dangling their legs over the edge of the balcony, over Artemisia Lake. “Can I ask your opinion on something?”
“I think…” Kate took a deep breath. “I want to dissolve the Lunar monarchy.”
Eva didn’t react with horror or surprise, just smiled and put an arm around Kate and said, “When?”
“Not now. That’s too much of a change, too soon after… you know.” Kate leaned into Eva’s side. “But once things have settled down, started getting better. When I think Luna can handle a change in power. As soon as possible. I don’t- I can’t risk another Levana.” They hesitated. “Or another Channary.”
Eva pressed a kiss into her hair. “It won’t be easy. The people will be pissed. And they have that whole superstition. But you’re right. Luna needs a checks and balances system.”
Kate breathed a sigh of relief and snuggled even closer. “Okay. Thank you.”
“So what are you planning to do after you abdicate?”
Kate blinked. “Oh- I guess I hadn’t really thought that far ahead? Maybe Farrah would want a full time mechanic.”
“Or…” Eva rubbed Kate’s shoulder. “You could come stay in the Eastern Commonwealth as an ambassador. A show of good faith. Prove Luna and Earth can work together, side by side.”
“And be with you?”
“And be with me,” Eva agreed.
Kate considered it. “I think the Eastern Commonwealth hates me.”
“Hates you? You saved them from Levana. I think there’s a toy company that wants to make action figures of you, and Torin just showed me an article suggesting a statue where your booth used to be at the market.”
Eva smiled and kissed the spot right next to Kate’s eye. “I promise, if you decide to come back, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.” She pressed her lips against Kate’s hair. “And if you want to come to the Annual Peace Ball next year, you’ll have hundreds of people begging to take you.”
“I thought I might as well get my name on the list now. Maybe I’ll even have time to teach you to dance.”
Kate tried not to smile.
“Please say yes?”
Kate pretended to consider it. “Do I have to wear a dress?”
“Not if you don’t want to.”
“Maybe I’ll come in cargo pants.”
“I’d be so okay with that.”
Kate made a little humming noise. “Can I bring my friends?”
“Absolutely. I’ll extend a personal invitation to the entire crew.”
“Even Reese? Because there’s a rule against androids coming to the ball.”
“I might know someone who can change that rule.”
Kate couldn’t resist a smile. Going back to the ball, facing all those people who’d so openly hated them for years, should’ve sounded terrifying, but the idea of doing it with Eva sounded perfect. “Yes, I’ll go to the ball with you.”
“What about those dance lessons?”
“Mm, I wouldn’t push your luck if I were you.”
“Fair enough.” They kissed again, and Kate sighed against Eva’s lips, tired but happy.
Eva pulled away eventually and pressed her forehead against Kate’s. “Katie, I know- you’re a great ruler already. You’ll be even better till you abdicate. But… I know you never really wanted this.”
Kate chose to stay quiet.
“But… maybe, one day… would you consider being an empress?”
The silence hung in the air, but wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable.
“Maybe,” Kate eventually assented. “One day.”
Maybe meant yes, and both of them knew it.
Eva was right - Kate didn’t want to be a ruler. Didn’t want to be in that position of power, making real decisions that impacted real people. But Kate did want Eva, more than anything, and Eva came with an entire country, whether or not Kate liked it. And Eva was worth it. Eva was worth anything.
Kate leaned against Eva’s chest and looked back down at the foot. This too small foot had hurt for years, had made it hard to walk, and had represented everything Kate hated about being cyborg. It had never done anything but make Kate feel like shit.
Kate held the cyborg foot over the shining water of Artemisia Lake and let go.
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no bc if she had pupils in this (i edited them in) it wouldnt be half as disturbing
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TW: ableism, bullying, violence, very ranty, some ableist slurs (they’re not written out but they’re mentioned in-context/as I talk about what I’ve experienced over the years, fuck off, don’t be a clown)
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this weekend specifically, had a convo with dad in the car that ended up being sorta a little bit triggering ig that set it off.
No one ever talks about how alienating it is to grow up disabled. I’ve always been disabled, from the moment I was old enough to have memories of anything, my legs have been messed up. And it’s never gotten better, it’s only gotten worse. And even tho I wasn’t officially diagnosed till I was 21, I’ve always been neurodivergent growing up. But I didn’t have that diagnosis, so I grew up thinking that there was something horribly wrong with me. That it was my fault that I was hyper-interested in things that were “unimportant” to other prepubescent children my age and absolutely not interested in the other things (that was also the closet queer showing but that’s not as relevant to this particular talk post so I’m not gonna dwell on it)
And no one likes to talk about what it’s like to deal with that. Because the truth is it’s a lot of SHIT.
How everyone’s default, whether abled people or even other disabled people is always “someone has it worse, stop making excuses so you don’t have to do stuff”
As if we enjoy not being able to do these things and it’s not, you know....incredibly dehumanising, upsetting and FRUSTRATING to not be able to do the simplest fucking thing for yourself without help. Cause unless you have money coming out your ass and can pay for any and all adaptations you need then you’re in trouble (I’ve been having these issues with the local ppl for years and I’m sick to death of it)
I KNOW the situation for SSI/SSDI or whatever it’s called in the states is worse and at least we have the NHS here, but that should not invalidate bad experiences that disabled people here have to go through too.
Like the people doing the “disability assessments” being a bunch of able-bodied pencil pushers who will sit there and tell you that “you’re not trying hard enough” to do something that they take for granted which is literally impossible for you and that’s the fucking point of it. Or that they do not seem to understand what the phrase “from birth” fucking means. It means I was born like this and I will DIE like this, jackass. So it’s not going to “need different care in 3 years time so you’ll have to do another assessment”
You know what’s more harmful for us? Having to re-apply with the same motherfucking information every 3 years, when nothing has changed. It’s stressful as fuck, and it’s humiliating as fuck too! I’m sick and tired of being told it’s “necessary” for me to have to basically take an exam every 3 years to “prove I struggle enough with my disability” just so I can get aid to pay for the help that I need to survive.
Trust me, I’d rather be fucking working a “proper” job too, but nobody wants to make allowances for my shortcomings and I’m done with making my pain and injuries worse than they already are just to please fucking ableds. I’m done with being a “volunteer” who’s expected to do part-time hours for no pay while I get verbally abused for “not doing a good enough job” because what I did was the best I’m physically able to fucking give you, Susan, I’m fucking crippled.
And for the most part I think I’m over the early trauma from my school years, but nobody ever talked about, or prepared me for, the physical and verbal abuse I’d endure from my classmates for shit I literally couldn’t control.
I still feel weird calling anybody a “friend” tbh, and it takes me a long time trusting people, because my “friends” during my formative years were just nice to my face so they could then get “more material” to take to the rest of the school so they could mock me and call me slurs (like the r word, the s word, and “weirdo” and “fucking freak”, and “the one who runs like an s-word horse”)
Or how I had to literally be taken out of PE/Gym lessons for my own fucking protection because the team that “lost” because they got “stuck with the fucking s word/r word freak” (me) lost, and I’d get the shit beaten out of me for....not being able bodied ig?? I’m sorry it’s so problematic for you, ableds. I hate it too.
I hate that I spent so much of my childhood with internalised ableism where I’d either feel like I shouldn’t exist at all, or I’d wish “my disability was worse and I’d be in a wheelchair, because then at least people would take me seriously and not hurt me as much”.
And I hate how nobody, but ESPECIALLY abled people, wants to acknowledge this shit. How the first response to disabled and disabled + ND people talking about the impact their symptoms have on their life is
“well someone else has it worse” or “well it’s not ACTUALLY that bad”
tw: capslock and cussing
BITCH. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW, YOU’RE ABLE-BODIED, YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT A DAY IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN 24/7 AND HOW IT ENTIRELY AFFECTS MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE AND ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE THINGS LIKE FUCKING EAT, BATHE, EXERCISE, DRIVE AND EVEN SOCIALISE ETC. YOU DON’T. KNOW. SHIT.
end of capslock
And the fact that my own dad is doing that shit, and gets arsey about it when I call him out on it, was very upsetting.
“It’s not your disability actually it’s the neurodivergence and if you just learnt to mask better you’d cope more”
as if my ND status has anything to do with my physical disability which causes me constant pain, even ON pain meds.
The pain meds don’t take the pain away, motherfucker, they just tamp it down to a level where it’s (most of the time) “managable” and I can still attempt to do things in spite of the pain. But it still takes effort, a lot of effort, way more effort than you, an able-bodied person, have to put into doing the same thing.
The best that I can give as a disabled person is never “good enough”, because abled people will always assume that because they can do something easily/without thinking about it, that anyone else can and anyone who says they can’t is just LAZY, or STUPID or BOTH
I could probably honestly go on and on about this a lot more but I’d be talking mostly in circles at this point so I’m gonna stop myself here.
OK to RB, other disabled people feel free to add to this. Ableds CAN (and are encouraged) to reblog too but KEEP YOUR FUCKING PIEHOLES CLOSED. Thank u
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i don't have enough energy or willpower to actually make an animatic, but i do have the ability to write out.. scripts, i guess? for the animatics i would made if i had the energy for it?
so. here's a script for a third life animatic i'd made, if i had the energy for it! these tend to get rather long when i write them out, so the script itself is under the keep reading.
"Little Pistol" by Mother Mother - Cleo
cw: descriptions of fire, violence, and death
(spoilers for third life session seven!)
We open on the crastle, a sunrise behind it. As the music sets in, we see motion behind one of the windows and begin to zoom in. When the strings shift, we finally see Cleo, inside the crastle, pulling on her armor for the day. She stands up from the bed when the words begin. Unless otherwise noted, the entire animatic is uncolored, the only color being the backgrounds indicating time of day [ex: dark grey-blue for night, warm oranges for sunset, etc] and the eyes. The sunset in the beginning was colored..
Up on my side, where it is felt
I pack a little pistol on my pistol belt
I think it might be fear
We watch as she reaches towards the selection of crossbows on the wall, picking one up carefully on ‘where it is felt’. We see her set it in place on her belt in time with the lyric, and we see her open the door of her room on ‘i think it might be fear’. As she walks through the door, we transition to a flashback.
Of the world and the way it makes you feel afraid
We see Cleo on the ground, and we see bdubs above her, with a smile on his face at first. Both of their eyes are a bright green. In time with the beats, we see a phantom on ‘and the way’, and we see bdubs falling on ‘it makes you feel’. We snap back to current time on ‘afraid’, as we (and cleo) see bdubs across from her. His eyes are yellow. They are the only color in the scene.
Under the skin, against the skull
They put a little chip so that they know it all
I think I might be scared
We see cleo walking down the stairs, discomfort in her expression and her hand on her crossbow the entire time. On ‘they put a little chip’ we see her walk up to the villager in the crastle, handing off emeralds on ‘little chip’ and receiving arrows of harming on ‘so that they know it all’. We see her load her crossbow with them on ‘i think i might’, and we see her look up and outside the window on ‘be scared’. This, and the entire beginning, is a slower segment of the animatic.
Of the world and the way it makes you feel afraid
We see her eyes widen on ‘of the world’. The camera refocuses so that we can see the missile etho shot coming towards the crastle on ‘and the way’, and we see it get closer on the third beat, close enough to hit the crastle. It is stopped just in time by bdubs, and we see cleo’s eyes narrow from fear to anger as she breathes a sigh of relief and steps up to the window to see who fired the missile.
it gets in the way
In the way
We see cleo leaning out of one of the crastle windowsills, one hand shielding her eyes from the sun as she squints in the direction of the missile. On the second ‘in the way’, we pan across to where etho and joel stand in front of joel’s house; etho’s eyes a bright green and joel’s yellow. Etho smirks. Joel stands behind him with a blank face.
In the way
In the way
We see cleo face-on, again, as she lowers her hand from her eyes and her face grows angrier. Her other hand tightens around her crossbow. On the final ‘in the way’, we see her take a deep breath and turn back into the crastle. We zoom out so that the entire crastle is in frame.
And now I want brimstone in my garden
The lighting changes, and cleo and bdubs appear at the base of the crastle, digging the moat and placing magma blocks along the base of it. We zoom in on them and bubbles drag the camera down in a transition to the next scene after cleo places one of the magma blocks. Throughout the scene cleo has a stony face on, with minute anger flitting throughout it.
I want roses set on fire
We see a single shot of cleo underneath joel’s house, the roof ablaze as joel reaches out to cleo for help. Cleo is just a silhouette. The fire is colored with reds and yellows. Joel’s eyes are not colored.
And I, well I want what's best for me
And I, I think I know just what that means
Just what that means
The first line, cleo says as she walks away from the wreckage of joel’s house, her crossbow in hand. On the second, we see her still and we see her face grow angry once again, as she sees the crastle with an explosion in it’s front face. She walks in anyways, and we see her hang her crossbow up on her wall before turning to the damage right after ‘just what that means’.
There is an interlude here. We see bdubs walk up behind cleo, looking at the damage himself, his eyes notably red and an angry snarl on his face. Cleo turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder, anger in her expression but calmness in her movements. Bdubs nods as he fades out, logging out for his off-world trip. Cleo is left alone. She looks back to the damage before grabbing her crossbow and walking down the stairs. We quickly pan down to the crastle entrance.
Today I coo, today I caw
We see cleo talking with scar and tango, a forced smile on her face as she shakes hands with scar on ‘today i coo’ and tango on ‘today i caw’. Scar’s eyes are red and tango’s eyes are yellow. Her own eyes are green. They both walk away and cleo is once again left in front of the crastle alone. We pan around so that she is on our left, and we see etho on our right, his eyes now yellow and his face angry.
I have a pistol party and I kill 'em all
Etho says ‘i have a pistol party’ as he gestures at the tnt launcher next to him, to which cleo responds by raising her crossbow and pointing it at him on ‘and i kill ‘em all’. He raises his hands peacefully.
I think I might be scared
We see cleo face on, her crossbow pointed at the camera, and we see her say these words. Her face is bored, neutral and threatening. It is clear that what she’s saying doesn’t line up with her feelings; that she’s saying this to mock etho’s aggression. She shoots the camera right afterwards, and the arrow gives us a transition to the next scene. Her eyes are not colored in this shot.
Of the man and the men with their hands inside
Each beat here has part of the red army appearing in frame. First ren, with red eyes, followed by martyn and skizz on either side of him and finally with etho and bigb flanking them. The final beat of this section is an impact frame; the entire screen black and only five sets of eyes and five weapons visible before we cut to the next scene.
And the women, oh, the women all they do is cry
We see the formation of the widow’s pact. ‘And the women’ has us seeing a shot of just cleo, her eyes now yellow, ‘oh, the women’ has us seeing a shot of just scott, his eyes green, ‘all they do’ gives us a shot of the two of them across from each other with their eyes once again monochromatic, about to shake hands. ‘Is cry’ gives us the connection of them actually shaking hands. Throughout the entire scene, both of them have grim expressions.
And I, well I lose my mind
I lose my mind
We pan up on ‘and i’, and we land on cleo, bdubs, and tango at the edge of the desert. On ‘i lose my mind’ we see scar join them, rushing to stand behind cleo. The second iteration of ‘i lose my mind’ has the four of them backing away cautiously, cleo with her crossbow drawn and with anger in her eyes. The four of them leave the frame as the red army enters.
I lose my mind
We watch ren shoot an arrow, and we follow that arrow across as it hits cleo. She falls to the ground and dissipates, as she loses her yellow life. The scene fills with light as we are brought back to where she’s resurrected, back at the crastle.
I lose my mind
We watch as cleo’s eyes open, now clearly red, and she grabs the crossbow on her bedside table. There is a clear snarl on her face, no hint of the mask that she once put on present any longer.
And now I found brimstone in my garden
I found roses set on fire
And I found Jesus, what a liar
We see cleo in impulse’s trading center, loading her crossbow before she leaves on ‘brimstone in my garden’. Her eyes are red and her hair has faint traces of fire in it. She is the brimstone in the garden. We see her look up and we see her grow angry once more on ‘i found roses set on fire’, as she first fires a crossbow shot and then races forward with her now-drawn sword. We see who she’s attacking on ‘i found jesus’, as ren comes into view, and we see her knock him to the ground on ‘what a liar’. Her sword is to his throat. Both of their eyes are blazing red and both of their faces are angry.
So I trade licks with Muddy Waters
We see a flash on ‘so i’, and when we return to the moment cleo’s face has shifted to one of shock, a sword stuck through her stomach. She falls to the ground, and we are left with the image of skizz, his eyes red, a grim grin on his face, and his hand extended down to ren as if to pull him up.
And I, well I found what's best for me
And now I see no tragedy
We pan across to bdubs, eyes red, entering the crastle panicked, barring the entrance behind him. He turns to the rest of the people in the crastle with a smile and his mouth open as though he’s asking a question. On ‘i see no tragedy’, tango shakes his head and bdubs’ expression is crushed as he realizes what they’ve lost. The scene fades out.
And I, I found a burning rose
And now I won't be packing little pistols
No, no, no more
We see solo shots, first of bdubs and the crastle standing by a small oak tree with a hole in front of it, then of just bdubs standing in front of the now-filled hole. He walks out of frame and we follow him into the crastle. On ‘packing little pistols’, we see one final crossbow mounted on the wall. Bdubs takes it down and we see him load it with an arrow. We watch as he walks to one of the windows and stares out into the sunset, and we slowly zoom out so that we can see the outside, and then the full crastle, and then we pan up to the night sky as a meteor shower crosses across it, fiery and angry and using the same colors that were on cleo’s hair.
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wtfwhy dont i evers send you asks. anywaysydid you know wthat we have rosesthat lookEXACTLY like the ones in yourr header at hmy house. ltierally theyr look JUST lik your header . prettier ifyou wouldgo there.
sdfghhgfd yeah sunny why dont you ever send me asks omg....
also OMG?? THATS SO COOL :00000 i love the roses at your house our roses are in the backyard and theyre like dead.....
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Are you pro-ana??? Been following for a bit and one of your posts today alarmed me
Sigh......no honey, me venting in the tags about my weight bc of the eating disorder ive had for nearly a decade now doesn’t mean in pro ana. I’m just not in the best place mentally rn can I whine on my own blog in peace please and ty
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27 on the pride ask game!
27) Some LGBT+ pairings you ship?
there's a lot! i usually don't go near straight ships as much just bc, yknow, gay. lets see uh, going by past hyperfixations, i dont take spongebob seriously enough to really care about ships either which way, dan vs i really like the idea of dan chris and elise being in a poly V around chris, pinescone is a soft spot for me having grown up with it, frender is a classic (altho freela is just as enjoyable to me which is rare for a m/f ship but of course i hc them as t4t), and thats mostly what i can think of off the top of my head? also honorable mentions to ships like narumitsu and rupphire who are more like, fandom in law ships than things im active in. also all the total drama random ass ships i come across, with the kind of show that is they ALL feel like crackships and i love most of them (though noco/nowen/gwourtney are high on the list again for personal nostalgia reasons)
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Do max and esteban not like each other? Im new so I dont know anything
well. let me tell u a little story about Brazil 2018
max had been leading the race and esteban tried to unlap himself and they collided, meaning max lost the win to lewis. here is the footage. max was NOT happy about this and sought out este after the race and they had a wee bit of a scuffle (quote from max in dts: "he basically started laughing at me saying he was faster so I pushed him"). After this came a very awkward press conference and max called esteban a pussy 💀
you can look at it from both sides: max was leading the race and had more to lose than esteban / esteban had every right to unlap himself and max did not leave him enough room to do so, hence the crash (even lewis said to max in the cool down room afterward that esteban was entitled to unlap himself)
I think now they are just neutral with each other? esteban didn't have a seat for 2019 so no interactions there and afaik they didn't really interact at all in 2020 so 🤷♀️ although they DID have this handshake before the grid photos were taken for 2020 (referred jokingly as 'tangled hate' by myself and @x-44 because max looks like he's squeezing the life out of estebans hand)
just as an add on: esteban got an INSANE amount of hate for this and its a huge part of why people still hate him today (even tho both sides played a part). he even got death threats which is just. so disgusting really.
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you… rb one of my… sets? wth kamsjka deceased, it was nice knowing all of you
wdym I lurk the treasure tag for gifs like it’s my job 😭😭😭 !!! honestly if u ever make a set and I *dont* rb it ... check to make sure I’m alive . also , feel free to tag #teumesource & I’ll rb them to our open net too !
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I . . . Why all the O'Brien? Why has this suddenly become a meme? What am i missing?! I am so confused.
Please. Please explain.
There is no explanation, only miles O'brien
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could you share some tips on how to start incorporating kink into your sex life?
okay this may seem like pretty easy question to answer but i could go into so much depth with this and that's what i'll do.
(scroll past if you don't care or you already know the basics of kink)
firstly, when it comes to kink there's not many rules other than the boundaries you make for yourself, the kink world is your ocean, do with it what you will. there are many people out there who will tell you what is right and wrong, don't listen to them, make it your own (unless you're breaking laws of consent or involving animals or minors).
secondly, always keep your partners comfort in mind when approaching kink, the easiest and safest way to do this is literally just talk to them. what would you like to do? how can they help you with this? is there anything they would like from you? sex takes two people, it's a group effort.
^it doesn't matter if it's a long term relationship or just a casual hookup, consent matters and just because you or your partner consent to the act of sex, doesnt mean they (or you) consent to kink. always discuss boundaries. always.
when you say kink i'm going to assume you mean bdsm, because it's the largest and most popular part of kink, but there's a lot of other aspects of it and everyone is different in what they like, there's no harm in trying things out with a partner, and really you can have a lot of fun with it.
anyways, there are a lot of small things you can start with. there's a lot of things in kink are now found in vanilla sex, i'm sure you'd notice this if you have any experience with porn (which is very much not real but it's a good example). stuff like impact play, anal, fellatio, choking, different positions, etc, are pretty common kinks that have made their way into "mainsteam" sex.
a lot of kinks can be pretty intense, but you can adjust the levels according to your comfort or interests. after you've discussed boundaries there's plenty of things you can try. roleplaying, edging and denial, overstimulation, sensation play (texture, temprature, or even deprivation), and light bondage would be the best places to begin (and you don't need any fetish gear or expensive toys to try these out).
if you're just beginning to get into kink i would very much advise against jumping into edge play. it is extremely intense and can be very dangerous if you havent fully prepped and educated yourself on specific things.
(edge play can include: extreme bdsm, masochism/sadism, heavy bondage, knifeplay, hateplay or cnc, e stim, asphyxiation, body mods)
all in all, and for the sake of sounding like a broken record, kink revolves heavily around consent. everything else is pretty much up to you. do some googling, make some friends, the kink community is mostly pretty friendly and lots of people quite happy to share. go out there and have some fun xx
also, i haven't mentioned aftercare at all in this post but it's right up there with consent when it comes to kink, i rarely see it mentioned anymore but if you're looking at trying out some thing new please please work out an aftercare system.
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uhh,,, hello again <3 i don’t really see people’s @’s right now so if you tagged me on something and i didn’t see it, it’s just because of tumblr. :((
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If I see one more fic where whizzer is bad at chess and loses to Marvin all the time I’m going to hurl myself into the sun
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ok so btw @anyone that wants 2 watch the new scott the woz video. HUGE tw for the possibility of everyone on earth dying and dereality
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im always looking for you, like im lost in a crowd.
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