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librosamarillos · 17 days

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passed down like folk songs

chapter 39: i will just let you down

Maegor Targaryen x OC

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Tags: hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, angst, mature themes, targaryen incest, violence, Maegor is a red flag himself, characters are ooc probably, MINORS DNI

“Please bring more pillows. Her grace will need to be comfortable.” Rowan asked one of the maids preparing the rooms for their upcoming guests. She had already seen to Aenys and Viserys’ rooms being prepared, and all that was now left was to ensure the expectant Queen’s comfort during their stay.

“Right away, my Lady.” the maid closest to her said, heading out to get more pillows. She wasn’t sure if it would be too many, but then Alyssa could remove them as she saw fit.

“Thank you.” Rowan smiled, looking around the room, seeing the bath being prepared with lukewarm water, as per the maester’s suggestions. All was done. She could feel the servants taking discreet looks of her and she tried to not mind it too much. She knew she looked ridiculous, so she could blame no one.

“My Lady, the King and Queen have arrived.” a young pageboy announced as he ran through the door. Rowan’s breath was stuck in her throat for a second, before she thanked him and began to leave the Queen’s room.

She took a quick, final look in the mirror, taking a moment to straighten her skirts and make sure she looked presentable, trying to ignore her horrid hair framing her face so unevenly, and made her way down to the front entrance, where Aenys, Alyssa and Viserys were stood.

Aenys looked pale, far paler than he’d ever looked before, as well as significantly thinner. He had dark undereye bags that betrayed his lack of sleep, that she could only assume was weeks long. Alyssa, thank the gods, looked far healthier, as well as little Viserys who was looking around curiously.

“Welcome to Dragonstone, your Graces. I hope your journey has been a smooth and safe one.” Rowan greeted them with a warm smile and a polite curtsy. Aenys returned her smile and opened his mouth to reply, but Alyssa seemed confused.

“Has the Dowager Queen not been made aware of our arrival? Why is she not the one here to greet us?” she asked, looking beyond Rowan, to see if perhaps Visenya was about to make a late entrance. Aenys bit his lip, and Rowan straightened her back.

“She has been made aware, your Grace. She… did not wish to greet you and has sent for me to do so.” she explained, giving the Queen an apologetic smile as she repeated exactly what Visenya had told her to say, albeit without the condescending tone, but Aenys at least seemed to understand that it was implied.

Alyssa seemed displeased with the response and looked at Aenys almost expectantly, but it was clearly not a battle that Aenys wanted to fight at the moment. Instead, he smiled at Rowan, and she could swear his lilac eyes seemed bloodshot.

“Thank you, Lady Evergreen. Our journey has been smooth.” he said, looking down at Viserys, who was looking up at the sky. Rowan assumed he was looking to spot dragons flying over the castle, and she knew he did not have to wait long. While Vhagar enjoyed a more solitary day, most of the unclaimed dragons liked to fly around. Rowan still found them all unnerving despite all the years she spent around them.

“I’ve had the maids draw baths for all three of you. I am sure you must be exhausted from your travels. Please, allow me to show you to your rooms.” she said, leading the way through Dragonstone’s all too familiar halls.

After showing Viserys to his room and showing his nursemaid where everything was, she showed Alyssa to hers, which was just across the hall from her son’s room. Alyssa seemed happy to rest, though she did not seem to let go of Visenya’s slight. Rowan was certain this was going to become an issue, but she knew the Dowager Queen would love for the fight to break out. Before she could say farewell to Aenys, he stopped her.

“May I have a moment, Rowan?” he asked before she left the room. His servants had just finished unpacking a few of the many cases of things he had brought, but he had stopped them, asking them for privacy. She could only nod.

“Of course, your Grace.” she replied, earning a smile from the King, who let his silent complaint against formalities be known. “Of course, Aenys.” she corrected herself, now earning a nod from him.

He seemed exhausted and Rowan wanted to ask him why not fly to Dragonstone on Qucksilver, who true to her name, would’ve been here a lot quicker than a ship. But then she rationalised it by thinking that after the attempt on his life, he would not wish to leave Alyssa and Viserys alone, and perhaps she would be uncomfortable to fly with him, even though she was still early in her pregnancy. Rowan decided not to bring it up at all.

“Can I ask?” he asked, almost shyly, looking at her face, or rather, her hair. “What happened to your hair?” he asked again, trying to not offend with an amused tone. She appreciated the politeness, but still looked away in shame.

“I…” she sighed. “I just had… a lot of emotions about being back here, and I somehow gained an incredible confidence to make a change to my appearance.” she gave a very watered down answer, trying to fight the embarrassment. “And yes, I regretted it immediately. I know it looks awful. It’ll… It’ll grow back. Eventually, I mean.” she mumbled, praying for that time to come soon so that she’d finally not have people stare.

“A lot of emotions?” he asked, his tone full of empathy. “About… him?” he asked once more, almost hesitant to scratch Rowan’s open wounds. She took in a slow breath. She understood that he’d want to know, that he was curious. She just didn’t expect it to come up so quickly, but then again, her sudden change of appearance warranted questions.

“Coming back here after what he did… I don’t know. All I could think about was that just outside the castle, he chose to marry another woman.” she finally said out loud. “I thought I was calm, sad but calm, but when I was done with my duties and I was all alone with my thoughts, it all became overwhelming. As if all the memories we had together here have been tainted with grief. As if I have the right to such grief.” she said with a shaky breath. “We… we used to play out there when we were small, you know?” she added, even though it felt like rubbing salt on her wounds. She was not his wife. She was not the one he betrayed. Yet no matter how many times she repeated that to herself, the worse it all hurt.

“Hey, don’t say that.” he approached her, placing a hand on her shoulder, his tone comforting. “You’ve every right to feel that grief. He hurt you.” he frowned, as he thought for a moment. Rowan took another deep breath, trying to shake her head, to pretend she was fine and that it was all fine. “Have you… heard from him?” he asked slowly, like he was unsure of what her reaction would be. Perhaps he was afraid she’d cut her hair again.

“I… yes and no.” she answered truthfully. “He keeps a correspondence with his mother and she sometimes tells me how he’s doing.” Rowan explained, leaving behind the fact that he indirectly addressed her in his letters. It was just too much to talk about with his brother, who he planned to dethrone. “Do you wish to write to him?” she asked, wondering if his question was trying to pry at how easy it would be to send a message to his exiled brother.

“No.” he said a bit too quickly. “No, I do not. I have nothing to say to him, I was only worried about you.” he explained further, as if his defensive tone didn’t betray him. Rowan returned his look of sympathy and bit her lip slightly.

“May I… May I be candid with you, Aenys?” she asked, trying to approach the subject lightly and carefully, so as to not scare him off.

“Of course you may. You always may!” he replied with a small smile. Rowan wanted to return it, but she felt too guilty. She felt there was a genuine foundation for friendship between them despite the formalities that held them back, and they were able to be really vulnerable with each other. Yet, now, she couldn’t be fully honest with him.

“Why not call for him? Ask for his help? Let him bring things back in order?” she asked slowly, hesitantly. Aenys seemed taken aback by her questions for a moment, but he shook his head, a small smile of disbelief on his lips as he walked away from her.

“Of course you’d suggest this.” he sighed, almost disappointed. “Do you wish to see him?” he asked, his tone suggesting this was an accusation. Rowan shook her head, ashamed for bringing it up.

“I am angry.” she started. “You have no idea how angry I am at him for all the grief he has brought upon me, for all he did to Ceryse. But Aenys, you cannot keep doing this. They made an attempt to kill you! How long until they try again? And Aegon and Rhaena? What if they become targets?” she asked, trying to get him to see reason.

“You think I don’t know this? Is it not clear as day that I do not sleep?” he snapped, his voice still low, trying to not shout. Rowan frowned, ashamed at the implications of her tone. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be sharp.” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“But you’re not taking any action! So let Maegor do it. Ask for his help, and then when things are calm again, you can see what to do about his banishment. The city will fall apart if you don’t do something.” she pleaded with him, trying to swallow her guilt.

“You think he’ll actually do it? Come back after I exiled him; after our shouting match?” he mumbled, contemplating for a moment. “He’d sooner laugh in my face for failing than ever complying with my orders again.” he frowned deeply. His relationship with his brother was clearly a very sensitive subject at the moment. It was something they both shared it seemed, a big sensitivity to the topic of Maegor Targaryen.

“He’s your brother. No matter how angry he is, he will not ignore your call for help.” she approached him, trying to reassure him that his brother would return if he called for him to. Yes, she knew that he had much bigger plans than to just help his brother, but she knew that deep down, Maegor also wished their relationship was better.

“I think if you call for him, he’ll do it. He’d fly here as soon as he had your letter in his hands.” he laughed dryly. Rowan hated how her heart fluttered at his words. It hurt, it all still hurt so much, but she’d be a huge liar to say she didn’t love him with every fibre of her being. “How humiliating that I’d go running back to my little brother, after such a scandal.” he sighed again. “I see them all, you know, my Kingsguard, and how frustrated they are with me. How they’re all silently comparing me to him, and sometimes, I cannot help but do it too. I hesitate, I know, and he does not. The one time he did hesitate, it cost him you, and he won’t hesitate again. That’s why they all would rather have him here instead.” he confessed, his voice slightly above a whisper, leaving Rowan speechless.

Her heart was in a twist, hearing Aenys speak out loud about that fateful day. It was true, Maegor told her himself, that he hesitated to argue further with his father in order to please him, and it cost him their life together. It hurt further to also hear that it was the reason he became so ruthless, even though she knew it deep down. It was too much for both of them.

“Please rest. Have your bath and sleep. Please sleep.” she patted him on the back. He looked so frail up close, it was worrying. She would tell her worries to the maester as well as the ladies in the kitchens. Some more hearty meals, something to give him more energy, it would do him good. Aenys appreciated the kind gesture and offered her a kind smile.

“Let me think about it.” he said. “Thank you once again for your honesty, Rowan. And I’m sorry about your hair.” He escorted her out of his room and offered one last smile before closing the door.

Rowan felt horrid for knowing about Visenya and Maegor’s goals and knowingly urging Aenys to make a decision that would help aid those goals. She found herself walking the familiar route to Visenya’s rooms to let her know that the King, Queen and young Prince were settling in, all the while she contemplated her own actions.

Would it not be for the best if Maegor returned? She had to think of the stability and safety of the people, and the huge political and economic unrest that these rebellions would bring to everyone. While yes, her house had the utmost privilege of being well protected, what of those who weren’t? What of all those caught in the crossfire? And the effects all of this would have on the smallfolk, who depended on all the houses to make good decisions?

She hated to think about what would come next, about the conflict between the two brothers once Maegor’s plans became real. Because in what way would there be a smooth transition of power? Still, she thought that Aenys would be much happier without the heavy burdens of the crown. He’d get to sleep calmly and not worry about the safety of his children, perhaps travel around the seven Kingdoms… Perhaps Rowan was deluding herself into justifying Visenya and Maegor’s plans.

She entered Visenya’s room with a heavy heart, finding her lounging on her chair, a letter in her hands. A sight that was very common these days. She looked up, urging her to come in and sit as well, before passing the letter to her.

“Your father wrote to me. He worries about you, says you haven’t written back to him, or to Erin and Finn.” she explained as Rowan read over her father’s letter. “What’s wrong, my girl? You normally write to them all the time.” she said, cupping her cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Rowan felt ashamed. She had tried to write to her family, and yet when she was alone in her room, all she could do was wallow. She’d lie in bed trying to rationalise all her emotions, and then her mind would take her right back to that altar outside the castle gates and all she’d think about was that day, that decision, that ceremony, that she did not even witness the same way she did Ceryse’s, and yet it hurt a thousand times more.

“Why are you apologising to me?” Visenya asked with a gentle tone. When Rowan did not answer, she patted the space next to her. “Come here, sit.” She complied, and was welcomed into Visenya’s embrace.

Neither said anything.

She felt that Visenya was, once again, being extra gentle with her, like she was made of glass. She could not protest, as she was sure that she was acting like a nervous wreck. And her father, her sweet father, whose letter to Visenya was full of care and concern for her, his only child? Gods, she felt so guilty. Normally she’d write to her family so often, that her lack of letters now had raised concern. But what would she write? ‘Forgive me father, I was a wreck because I am haunted by memories and I also cut my hair and I look ridiculous’?

Visenya did not need her to say anything at all. She knew. And Rowan could not be more grateful to have her in her life. She gave her the space to wallow and cry, and she hugged her and played with her hair. It was everything she wished her mother could do if she were still alive. Thankfully, Visenya had gladly taken the role.

“How about tonight you write to your father, hm?” she asked softly, as she moved stray hairs out of her face. Rowan nodded. She had to write back eventually, better start now. “Then you can tell me what Alyssa’s face was like when she saw you instead of me.” she japed, rubbing her shoulder and trying to get a smile.

Aenys paced around his room. He was restless and even after a bath, he could not wind down to sleep, for there was far too much happening in his mind. He felt everyone’s eyes on him, something he used to relish in before all this mess, looking on expectantly, ready to be let down once more. He found himself on the desk, staring at a bank parchment, quilt in his shaking hand.

It could be a horrible idea, to unleash Maegor in all his anger and resentment onto the realm, to burn all those not fiercely loyal to the crown. It was everything his parents told him to never do, but as he stared at the parchment and thought about the fact that his children were in danger, that his wife could be next, that everything could crumble beneath their feet, what choice did he truly have?

How could he even begin to address his little brother? How could he put into words all the dread that consumed him? Would his brother even accept his plea of help? Perhaps it would be best if he asked Rowan to write to him. He would never hesitate to come to her aide if she were to ask, while Aenys was unsure he could claim the same.

Dear brother,

Then what? What could he even say that wouldn’t be awkward? He felt like a dog with its tail between his legs, running back to his brother who he exiled for his help. He sighed. Then what was to come if he accepted? Would he bring Alys Harroway back to King’s Landing with him and force him to acknowledge her as his wife the same way Ceryse was? That would cause an even bigger rift between the crown and the faith, along with his good sister’s family. Perhaps if he asked him to return alone? Or even better, if he asked Rowan to write to him and ask him to return alone? Surely he would.

His attention shifted from the parchment to the door, when his guard announced the arrival of his wife. Aenys was surprised to see her walking about, as he had expected her to relax and rest after their long travels. Alyssa looked concerned as she approached him, her eyes searching his face, looking for something.

“I thought you would like to rest, my dear, why are you all dressed up?” he asked, reaching for her hand to place a kiss on when she came close. She was much more dressed up than he was, looking like a proper Queen, while he was dressed down as he felt exhausted.

“I could say the same about you. I thought I’d find you sleeping.” she smiled. He felt guilty as he nodded. He was not fully honest with her about losing sleep. They did not share a room on most nights, much less now that she needed all the comfort she could get, so she did not see him lying wide awake at night. She did not need to worry about him as well. Alyssa’s smile fell as her eyes darted to the parchment in front of him, as she realised who he was planning to write to. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m… I’m not so sure myself.” he confessed. “I thought I could ask my brother to return, to help us. But I fear I cannot find the words.” he explained further, looking back down at the letter, partly avoiding his wife’s gaze. She looked upset.

“Aenys, have you really thought this through? Why not send an army, or call our bannermen? This cannot be the best option.” she protested, looking at him like he was crazy. She looked bewildered that he would actually consider it, as did he.

“He is my brother, Alyssa.” he said, trying to find the right words to explain how he felt, but he could not. His mind was such a mess that he could not trust himself fully.

“Your brother who disrespected and undermined your word? The son of the woman who mocks you and cannot hide her disdain for you, despite the fact that you are King?” she asked, her tone still bewildered. She was right, of course she was, but still…

“I’m thinking of our family, of our children, of you and the babe! Believe me, I would love a better, easier solution, but as every single person keeps reminding me, I am running out of time!” he snapped, immediately regretting his tone, but Alyssa did not waver. Instead, she took his face in her hands, placing a kiss on his forehead.

“We will find a solution, one that will not make the realm hate and ridicule us.” she reassured him as she cupped his cheeks. “But now we must go speak to your aunt. It was a huge slight, what she did this morning. Sending her lady in waiting instead of greeting us herself. No matter how she feels regarding Dragonstone being passed to Aegon, you are still the King. She should not disrespect you like this with no consequence.” she said.

“I do not have it in me to fight with my aunt.” he sighed, looking away from her eyes. It was already hard enough knowing his aunt still frightened him, just as she did when he was a child, and the fact that he was now here because it was safer, because she made Dragonstone safe, he could not handle any arguments, or her cold comments. He was tired.

“If you do not, she will only get worse. My love, let us go see her and at least hear what she has to say about her actions.” she insisted, and Aenys could do nothing but relent.

She called for the servants to come dress him, as he could not make a statement in his plain clothes. The fine purple robes felt heavy, everything did. His wife was right, he could not keep accepting disrespect, but he was in no mood to make a fuss.

Accompanied by his Kingsguard, they made their way to the chamber of the painted table. His aunt was dressed regally, a statement of her own, but she was not overlooking the table, rather preferring the window. As always, her lady Rowan was by her side, writing down what she was telling her. Rowan looked up, surprised to see him and Alyssa, and curtsied promptly. Visenya remained unmoving, not acknowledging the King and Queen, a silent challenge to see if he dared to speak.

“Your grace-” Rowan spoke up, ready to fill their cups, but Alyssa stopped her.

“We would like some privacy, lady Evergreen.” Alyssa said, offering Rowan a kind smile. Rowan did not leave straight away, instead looking up to Visenya, to see what her orders would be. His aunt did not move from her place, but nodded at Rowan to dismiss her.

She offered them all another curtsy before leaving the room, but Aenys could swear she shot him a worried look, one that told him to watch his step, to not make enemies.

With Rowan gone, the room had an eerie silence. He could hear his own heart beating in his ears. He felt like a child about to be scolded, but Alyssa was angry at his aunt’s blatant disrespect. His wife shot him an expectant look, telling him to speak up. He took a breath and wished Rowan was not dismissed, as she could perhaps keep the peace between them.

“I hope you’re not feeling ill. I could only assume so, since you did not come to greet us.” he tried to sound confident, the way Alyssa needed him to be. His aunt still did not move to face them, but her face hardened. He could feel a lump in his throat as he braced himself for impact.

“Did you find my lady’s greeting lacking?” she asked coldly, her tone harsh. The question was ironic, as it was another challenge to push him further. He felt Alyssa shift next to him.

“It is customary to greet your King and Queen in person.” she said, her voice moving dangerously close to passive aggressive. His aunt, once more, refused to turn. Her eyes were pinned somewhere outside, in the yard.

“Is it now?” she asked coldly. “As you can see, I am terribly busy preparing the castle for potential attacks- I know the concept is completely foreign to you both, but it is a demanding task.” her words dripped with condescension. Both Aenys and Alyssa stiffened, as Visenya slowly turned to face them, looking down at them as if they were but bothersome children and not the King and Queen. “Tell me, how did you manage to humiliate yourselves even more, then come running here demanding I come say hello to you?” she asked.

“What happened in King’s Landing was… unfortunate. As you know, the Red Keep is not yet finished and…” he trailed. It was a lie. What happened shook him to his core, but he had to stand tall, or at the very least try to. “I can only hope your feelings toward me need not be made public. I do not wish to reprimand you for disrespect.” he managed to say, before his aunt let out a cold laugh.

“Reprimand me?” she laughed. “Where did this nerve come from?” she challenged him, but Aenys did not know how to respond, so she went on. “You exile my son, you grant his title to your brat of a son, and yet what do you have to show for it?” she spat, her anger no longer masked. He did not have time to react to the insults before Alyssa did.

“Aegon is the heir to the throne.” she stated, her tone hiding an almost threat, like she was trying to put his aunt in her place. “It is only natural that he is the Prince of Dragonstone. Your husband was the one who planned this.” she said that last sentence with a pointed look, like she wanted to hit her where she knew it would hurt, angered by the insult hurled at their son.

Aenys froze completely when she brought up his father. Alyssa was never this bold or fierce before. She was lively and charming and kind, but never quick to anger. He assumed it was because she was with child, her instincts to defend her children being heightened. Not to mention all the stress of the past moons. He wanted to admire her, had this not been the worst possible thing to say to his aunt.

Visenya’s eyes hardened and if looks could kill, they’d be dead where they stood. Her gaze was ice cold and he could feel himself shrinking in fear as she slowly walked closer to them, until she was standing right before them, towering above him like he was still a small child.

“Strong words coming from a fool. Do you think your boy will even have a throne to inherit with how you’ve been running things? Where is he now? Being chased down by rebels?” she asked, staring Alyssa down. Aenys just wanted to disappear.

“Is this amusing to you?” his wife demanded when she saw the smirk on his aunt’s face.

“Hilarious.” she spat. “It is hilarious to me that you come to my home demanding respect you’ve done nothing to earn, but I suppose it cannot be helped, since you’ve both been spoiled rotten.” she crossed her arms as she stared them both down. Alyssa went to answer, but this time, he interrupted.

“I do not wish to fight, or argue with you.” he said, his tone almost pleading. He could not say the same for Alyssa. “I wish to protect my family from rebels. I’ve tried asking them what they want, to come to me with their concerns, but they only hurl insults at me-” he began to explain, before he saw the flash of anger in Visenya’s eyes.

“You are a fool and a weakling, nephew. Do you think any man would’ve ever dared speak so to your father?” she asked. Aenys did not even have to answer, they all knew no one would dare. “You have a dragon. Use him. Fly to Oldtown and make this Starry Sept another Harrenhal, or give me leave and let me roast this pious fool for you.”

Her words hung in the air and he found it hard to breathe. His first instinct was to say no, to deny her call to violence. But was this not why he was considering calling for Maegor to return? His aunt was right, no man would dare speak to his father the way the rebels spoke to him, and neither would they speak so to Maegor. They knew better.

He could not imagine himself flying into battle with Quicksilver. He flew often, at least he used to, before his father’s death. His mother would take him flying on Meraxes when he was small, until his Quicksilver was big enough to ride, and then they’d take to the skies together. He was no warrior, and neither was his dragon. He could not risk her getting hurt by his own foolishness. He loved Quicksilver, she was a part of him. She flew above their ship the whole time it took for them to sail here.

“Do not speak to him like that!” Alyssa’s voice snapped him back to reality. Her first instinct was to defend her husband, another trait he would admire if he was not worried his aunt would strike them both down with Dark Sister, which she carried everywhere.

“Or what? What will you do?” Visenya asked, her tone almost amused, like she was arguing with a child throwing a tantrum, which only angered Alyssa more.

“Please, enough of this!” he pleaded, standing in between them. “The hour grows late, let us all rest. We shall discuss this tomorrow.” he looked at his aunt, trying to silently ask her to see him and not ignore his presence.

“Very well.” his aunt concluded.

The tension was still thick in the air, but the guard’s announcement of Lady Rowan’s return brought a sense of relief to Aenys. She rushed in the room, not offering any pleasantries or curtsies, instead walking up to his aunt, her face flushed with worry.

“Your graces, forgive me for interrupting, but the news I’ve just received are rather urgent.” she apologised, showing the raven scroll in her hands. Aenys could feel his heart stop- had something happened to his son and daughter?

“What happened?” his aunt asked promptly, meeting her lady halfway across the room. It was then that he recognised the opened seal on the scroll, green, a Hightower seal. He shared an alarmed look with Alyssa, the realisation that something could’ve happened to their good sister hitting them. Rowan took in a shaky breath.

“Lord Manfred Hightower is dead.” she announced to them all, but her eyes were on Visenya, whom she handed the scroll to. “A fever has taken him.” she added, with worry clear on her face. Her mind was clearly going to her friend, Ceryse. “His eldest son, Lord Martyn Hightower is now the Lord of the Hightower, the head of his house, beacon of the south, defender of Oldtown and the Citadel and Lord of the Port.” she finished the announcement, trying to sound as proper as she could.

Aenys was once again speechless.

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