#at a time and generally improving my mental health. we don't go often enough for me to really notice a difference but i do feel...better

[copperbadge]

I hope these questions aren’t offensive, you can just delete this ask if they are… Did it help you, mentally speaking, to be officially diagnosed as ADHD? Like, is it easier to know for a fact you’re neurodivergent and not just,,, weird? I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, and only undiagnosed because I’m a girl and I test well (my brother is autistic and has the same tendencies and reactions I do, but he got dx’d at 5), but on the other hand, what if I’m wrong? And I’m also a broke college student, so I’m kinda waffling on whether or not to actually pursue a doctor’s opinion, but I thought I’d ask your advice first, since you’re both a complete stranger and have gone through something similar

Anon, you sent this in SEPTEMBER, my apologies, it got pushed down a bit in my askbox.

The thing is...okay I'll talk about the psychological impact in a minute, but I also feel like it's the least relevant aspect, for me. Whatever a diagnosis did for my sense of self, what it also did was give me a document that impacts everything else in my life.

With a diagnosis I have access to medication that materially improves my condition (which is less the case with autism than with ADHD, admittedly). I have access, should I want it, to accommodations for my disability; those are imperfectly applied, you often have to fight hard to actually get them implemented, but especially as a student you would be given access to things like longer time periods for tests, study aids like audio recordings of your required reading, extra tutoring, pre-registration access to classes, etc. based on need.

This bleeds over into the mental health aspect a little, but I am also more confident in my research on ADHD because I have a medical doctor's opinion that yes I do indeed have it (and evidence of that from the efficacy of the medication).

In terms of whether it helped me mentally/emotionally...research is ongoing, I suppose. It didn't emotionally devastate me the way it did my mother, when she was diagnosed late with learning disabilities, but she came from a different generation and didn't grow up with a sibling who was diagnosed young, so she had different issues than I do. There is some bitterness about my late diagnosis, but that's situational, and I'm old enough to know how to work through/past it. I suppose it gives me more confidence in asking for informal accommodations -- recently at a party I asked someone if we could move rooms because I couldn't process what they were saying over the two conversations happening behind me -- but I was already pretty good at that. I'm having to re-examine some basic beliefs I held about who I am, but that's not a bad thing, just unpleasant to be in the middle of.

So now to the heart of it: "What if I'm wrong?"

First, almost nobody who self-diagnoses is whole-cloth wrong when it comes to neurodivergence. They might have the wrong diagnosis, or might not fully understand what's going on, but when that "Oh, I'm different" light flicks on, it's usually for a reason.

Second, okay, what if you are wrong? It's okay if you're just weird. You won't be punished for being Neurotypical-But-Weird any more than society was already punishing you, so you risk nothing in getting tested in that sense. You don't lose any ground, and you gain some self-knowledge. Might not be the self-knowledge you wanted, but it's not going to kill you.

True, there is the cost to consider, but as a student you should be able to go to the campus health center and at least get more advice on how testing would work, the costs etc. Your school's disability office, if they have one, may also have resources in that regard. It IS important to get adequately tested -- a lot of people miss a diagnosis because their evaluator's idea of testing was "asking combative questions and dismissing the answers" -- but more knowledge is always better than less.

The only downside to testing is that if you do get an official diagnosis, that can follow you for life -- earlier discussions I've had about this have brought up the fact that it can impact job placement, whether you're allowed to adopt or care for children, and other issues surrounding the way we punish people with disabilities for being disabled. A diagnosis of Autism can impact you legally. But I also think it's worth it to know and to have documentation that says you need accommodation.

I mean. This hasn't been the most fun process in the world, but I do think it's been one of the most important things I've done in my life. If you felt strongly about your self-diagnosis I'd say don't bother with the official, just live your life as if you had one, but it sounds like you have a lot of self-doubt -- so I'd work, as and how you're able, to lay that doubt to rest one way or another.

#sam has adhd

[beastlyart]

list 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ♡

(No pressure ♥)

Just five things? Oh man, okay. Here's a list of some immediacy, then:

• My cat, Deacon. He's sweet and funny and chill and I love him so much I could explode, but just from having him around I've also noticed a marked improvement in my mental health the last couple of years. The therapy is free, all I have to do is provide him with snacks and clean his toilet once a day. Genuinely don't know how I went so long without a cat in my day to day life.

• Went to a reptile expo today! It was crowded and chaotic as usual, but it's always fun to look at all the animals. I hadn't been to one since before COVID, and I did run into some friends there, so that was nice. It also clarified that I would definitely like to get another snake. I resisted temptation and did not buy anything this time, would like to get the enclosure all set up again and then hopefully make a planned purchase at the next one in May.

• Started working as the surgeon's dedicated tech one day a week instead of on the ER floor. I thought it would be stressful and intimidating, because she's intimidating (not in a mean way, she's just incredibly smart, skilled, and whips along her cases at light speed). It's been going well, though! We plowed through a bunch of procedures last week and I remember that I have, in fact, done hundreds of surgeries before and working with her is intellectually stimulating in a way that leaves me satisfied at the end of the day.

• This big-ass plate of barbecue meats and sides I got from a tiny smokehouse on the way back from the reptile expo. It's out of my way enough that I don't go there often, so it is a delicious salty treat for myself :3

• Sifting through a bunch of playlists (character-focused or just in general) that I do NOT vibe with, getting slightly frustrated, and then finding a really fucking banger one that actually matches my tastes. Hell yeah.

#things have been on the up and up lately #I'm happy :) #meatspace

[mbti-notes]

Hi. My spouse and I (both entj or so) both handle conflict terribly. We stonewall, work around each other, withdraw to sulk for hours/days when called out, or at worst lash out verbally. I already find it hard to understand and articulate my emotional needs. It doesn't help when he seems to want clear black and white rules that don't ever have to change according to what's going on with me or accommodate me when I'm struggling. Do you have any tips on how to get started addressing this pattern?

When both parties handle conflict terribly, it's like the blind leading the blind. Since there isn't someone skilled enough to steer things in the right direction, it might be necessary to get expert help from a neutral third party in couple's therapy. It sounds like you both have a lot to learn about relationships. While it's possible to get tips online or read books to make some improvements to the situation, it might not be enough to help you tackle the deeper issues. Therapy is often a more efficient option because the learning is tailored to your specific needs and you get real-time guidance and practice.

Relationship skill is actually a set of skills including things such as: emotional intelligence, stress management, assertiveness, communication, negotiation, conflict resolution, moral reasoning. While it may seem overwhelming to think of how much there is to learn, you can view it as an investment. After all, you spent many years of your life learning reading, writing, and arithmetic so that you could one day be able to support yourself financially. Isn't it just as important to be able to handle yourself well socially in order to live a truly fulfilling life? If you agree, then you should be more than willing to put in the time and effort to learn these skills.

From your description, it's not yet clear to me that your spouse is as up to the task of learning as you are, so this seems like the first major issue that needs to be addressed. Imagine that you're learning to drive and you believe you must follow every little rule of the road at all times, in exactly the way the driver's manual taught you. Would doing this make you a "good" driver? Actually, it could make you a terrible driver and even create dangerous situations. An important aspect of being a great driver is adjusting to the immediate conditions of the road. For instance, driving in a snowstorm requires you to slow down, drive defensively, and grant leeway for others to make mistakes on the ice.

Generally speaking, human beings have succeeded as a species not because of rules, but because they have evolved to be highly adaptable, which keeps them in touch with reality and able to confront the challenges of their ever changing circumstances. Adaptability is especially important in relationships because social interactions are very fluid situations, with lots of variables in motion, with lots of potential for unexpected events. The more you can take the whole social context into consideration, the more likely you are to speak effectively and make good social choices. Emotional intelligence is one important way to increase your mental flexibility and thereby your adaptability, which you can read about in the dedicated articles I've already provided.

Of course, human beings need some rules because life would get too chaotic and fall apart otherwise. However, when a person relies too heavily on rules, they become more and more mentally inflexible, and then rule following can easily become a mental health issue that creates more problems than it solves. (I have discussed before how an exacting rule-based approach to life can be a sign of psychological immaturity.)

Mental flexibility isn't a genetic trait, rather, it's largely learned through environmental influences. This is an important point because mentally inflexible people tend to claim "this is just how I am". This is true only to the extent that people can become more and more set in their habits as they get older. However, this decline into stasis is not inevitable and it does not preclude the possibility of change. In fact, one should actually nurture the ability to change periodically in order to keep the mind active and stave off cognitive decline in old age.

It's quite possible to improve mental flexibility, but, first, a person has to acknowledge that their mental inflexibility is a problem that produces self-sabotaging behavior. Once they can admit the problem, they can address the underlying causes. For example:

- Some people feel as though they need fixed rules because they are afraid of making mistakes, getting caught by the unexpected, or feeling unmoored in unfamiliar situations. The underlying issue is often insecurity, low self-confidence, or distrust of the world. They don't feel as though they can handle situations successfully without rules to guide them through the challenges. Unfortunately, they don't realize that their strict belief in the rules is precisely what prevents them from being able to perform well on their feet. They usually need to learn and practice acceptance, in order to relax and go with the flow better.

- Some people only know to follow rules because they suffer from an utter lack of imagination. The underlying issue is often a stubborn narrow-mindedness or short-sightedness. For them, everything in life exists within the confines of the rules, which means life easily becomes stagnant. They never accept new ideas and thus never encounter ways to improve or progress. Eventually, life moves on without them and they become a relic of the past. This kind of alienation is a painful state. However, if they can acknowledge that pain, it can be used to motivate change and rejoin the flow of life. They usually need to learn and practice open-mindedness, in order to take advantage of good opportunities to move forward.

- Some people rely too much on fixed rules because they use laziness as a defense mechanism. They don't want to deal with complexity, complications, ambiguity, or shades of gray. The underlying issue is often an unwillingness to commit. They simply don't care enough to put out time and effort, often because their efforts have been met with disappointment too many times in the past. They may use rules as easy mental shortcuts or hide behind the rules to avoid being held accountable for bad decisions. Eventually, they fall into deep existential boredom that infects their relationships and drives people away. Their relationships won't improve until they can finally confront and resolve their fear of commitment.

- Some people harp on the rules out of arrogance. They take too much pride in their ability to follow the rules and in having the willpower to resist straying from them. The underlying issue is often egotism or perfectionism. They use rule abidance as a way to define people's worth and cast moral judgment upon those they dislike, and they might even lord the rules over people in order to feel superior. Unfortunately, their perfectionist enforcement of the rules can lead to blowback that worsens aggression in a vicious cycle. Until they can step back, reflect, and become more aware of what's really driving the perfectionism, their relationships will remain extremely shallow and unfulfilling for everyone involved.

I don't know your spouse, so I can't tell you why he's mentally inflexible. Perhaps he's resistant because he doesn't want to face up to his own shortcomings. However, it's important to acknowledge that, in many cases, relationship problems are rooted in the unresolved psychological issues of the individual. Thus, it is necessary to do a certain amount of self-work in order to be a better partner.

Psychological issues shouldn't be viewed as "personal failings" to be ashamed of. It's better to view psychological issues as matters of ignorance - lack of knowledge and skill - that can be properly remedied through learning, study, and practice. Many people think they should go to therapy because there's something wrong with them. In my view, therapy isn't about "fixing" what's "wrong" with oneself in any moral sense. Rather, it's about learning the knowledge and skills you missed out on for whatever reason earlier in life. You aren't born knowing everything and you don't always have the opportunity to learn all the tools you need to tackle life's problems.

Relationships are the prime example. People learn their approach to relationships unconsciously as children, through observing their parents, authority figures, and peers (see: attachment theory). This can be a problem when those people weren't good role models or were bad at relationships, thus passing on unhealthy ways to the next generation. As an adult, it's important to realize your true power. You don't have to keep those unhealthy lessons you learned earlier in life. You can learn how to do better at any time as long as there is opportunity and access to the right learning resources. Your motivation to learn should come from deep within you, from a longing to make the most of your potential.

Is there enough willingness to learn and improve, though? Resistance to learning new things is a big obstacle in personal growth and relationship growth. In order to establish the right frame of mind for growth, both you and your spouse have to nurture as much openness to learning as possible. Once the both of you are equally motivated and committed to improving, the learning can begin in earnest.

My suggestion is usually to start at the surface and move your way down into deeper territory as necessary, which allows you to go gradually from easy to difficult in a logical fashion. The first thing you could learn is better ways of communicating, e.g.: choosing more appropriate words; using more constructive language; framing ideas in a way that is more palatable to the listener; listening more carefully to the real meaning; asking clarifying questions in a neutral manner; etc. A therapist can help you with this and you can also consult the communication books I've recommended on the resources page.

In the process of improving your communication skills, you're bound to meet some obstacles. For example, you may find it difficult to communicate when emotions are heightened. This obstacle points to a deeper issue beneath the surface of the communication of not being able to manage emotions well. Thus, the second layer to work on would be emotional intelligence. When you're working on that, another obstacle may arise, such as a past hurt that keeps triggering heightened emotions. Exploring and resolving that past experience would then be the third layer to work on. And so on and so forth.

In short, each obstacle you run into while learning a psychological skill might point you to a deeper problem. In this way, you gradually get deeper and deeper until you finally bump up against the heart of the matter. There is no timeline I can give you as to how long this learning process takes because there's no telling how deep the matter goes until you get there. It really depends on the individuals involved and how much work each of them needs to do. For some couples, improving communication might be enough to get the relationship back on track. For other couples, they might eventually realize that individual therapy is necessary for healing old psychological issues before they can recommence together.

It's important to be patient and take one step at a time rather than focus too much on the end result. There is always hope to mend and salvage a relationship as long as both parties are willing to make some necessary changes and meet up somewhere in the middle.

#relationships #development #mental flexibility #adaptability #communication #ask

[sysmedsaresexist]

Why should I bother healing? I mean what awaits past the pain and sorrow? Feeling lightly better? I can just chase dopamine till I'll die and still have a good enough life

I feel like I know who this is, we have an unfinished conversation, don't we?? I still have your last reply and the start of my post in my drafts, waiting for me to find words that would help. If it's not you, I hope that user sees this, as well.

Friendo, don't let your current dumb feelings and silly brain get in your way of your future

Extreme positivity ahead

Fuck around on this post and find out

-the kids these days, probably

On a very serious note, I think we've all been there, where it just feels so goddamn pointless and you're so tired. Trauma survives long after the events that caused it, digging its claws into every aspect of your life-- even the parts that seemed unrelated and safe.

I can't give you the best advice because I don't know your full situation-- age, living arrangements, financial situations, education, all of that changes the conversation, but I'm going to try to give you a general bit of hope

Age and time helps

Even mental illness tends to improve with age.

As you get older, the brain naturally settles into a (generally) calmer, happier state. I promise you, with all the sincerity and genuineness in the world, even if you did nothing, in five years you'll still feel better than you do right now.

Yes, even dissociative disorders. (PDF)

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This won't apply to everyone, obviously there is a problem with mental health in aging populations, but... don't think that's the norm, or something to be expected, and you've already taken the biggest step by noting your mental health struggles early on. One of the biggest reasons that there is a problem in seniors is because there was very little early detection, and talking about mental health was seen as taboo. You're halfway there.

And as you experience more happiness and things just feel calmer, making positive changes becomes easier, especially as more opportunities open to you every year. So.

Looking back, I think my biggest mistake was looking at myself as I was, and looking at where I wanted to be-- or, more often, what I thought everyone else was. Happy, composed, financially successful, intelligent, popular.

And good god, I felt lazy. I wasn't chronically fatigued, I was lazy, I convinced myself.

Eventually, I started looking at smaller parts of my life and tried to make tiny, easy improvements, rather than anything big.

And with each tiny improvement, and with each year, I started to feel like it was worth it. And like I deserved to have a life I was happy with, whether that met anyone else's expectations or not.

Look, I don't know what kind of crack my grandmother was on, but I couldn't keep a house like that. She had six kids and a job back in the 60s, and even at nearing 85 she would still get on her hands and knees and wash the floor. That place was always immaculate.

And that's just unrealistic. And unnecessary.

My mother was the polar opposite, and I grew up in a hoarding situation.

When I finally got out on my own, it took a while to figure it out, but I settled somewhere in the middle. The idea of keeping the house as clean as my grandmother made me want to actually off myself. I am not exaggerating. The idea was daunting and terrified me. I would rather lay down and give up than find the energy.

But the closer I got to my mother's situation, the more I hated myself, because look at how gross I was.

Here's the truth:

Fuck. Everyone.

Seriously. I swear to god, one day, a lightbulb is just going to go off, and you'll realize that you never should have cared in the first place what other people thought or expected.

My home is crowded but cozy. I no longer look around feeling overwhelmed and disgusted with myself. I do what I can and I celebrate every little step.

It's my home and I'm happy with it, and that is the only thing that matters.

Life is like my house. Live it only for yourself, and do what you can. Celebrate all of the things you do, regardless how small.

Even if you did nothing, it's still going to get better.

Imagine how much EXTRA better you can make it if you just take it in tiny, tiny steps.

Like exponential growth of better.

Feeling just slightly better today makes tomorrow feel better, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Plus, think of all the (insert animal you love) that'll you'll see.

#suicide mention #tw #positivity #ptsd #depression #anxiety #did #OSDD

[zzzzzestforlife]

How do I stop procrastinating getting my life together. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean....as in how do I stop procrastinating getting out of my comfor zone to do better

U r such a big inspiration to me

Hi lovely ❣️ You're already well on your way since you're asking this question! ☺️ So you can continue in this thread and identify/remind yourself of the things you want MORE than you want comfort*. You can go much further when running towards a goal instead of away from an "undesirable" state. This also helps guard against burnout! When you keep your goals in sight, you're able to take the breaks you need between working towards them because you feel secure in the knowledge that you won't fall off your train of improvement because this truly matters to you 😌

*- There may be some things that are not worth prioritizing over certain key comforts, e.g. long-term health, spending enough time with loved ones, etc., and that's okay. (Personally, I take this as a sign to stay in my comfort zone a while longer. With time, I'll get even more used to it — find new ways to optimize, delegate, etc. — then I'll know I'm ready to move on.)

So, now that we have the mentality to start making changes, we can put systems in place to actually get our lives together ✨ The details of your systems should be specific to what you want to achieve, but one piece of general advice I often hear is "work backwards from your goals." I personally don't like to do this 😅 If I plan this way, I know I'm setting myself up for failure because of the HUGE starting friction — figuring out every step of the way before I even start? And what happens if I learn something along the way and decide to change my plan anyway? What I highly recommend instead is to know your end goal and then determine the smallest step you can take in the right trajectory. My biggest gains have come from some of my smallest, but intentional efforts, kept consistent over time precisely because they're so easy to maintain. (80-20 rule!)

And finally, even if you're not comfortable sharing your progress with others either online or IRL (though I highly encourage you to!!), do continue to surround yourself with people who inspire you, who have similar goals and/or work ethic to what you want for yourself, etc. Getting your life together is a major undertaking, and while not necessary, moral support can make it that much easier.

I hope I understood what you meant correctly and that this helps you at least get started! I'm rooting for youuu 💐 and my inbox/dms are always open if you want more ideas or just some encouragement 🤗

#motivation #inspiration #getting my life together #procrastination #productivity #comfort zone #productivity hacks #productivity tips #친구 #anon ask #life advice #good advice #advice #study advice #study inspiration #study motivation #tips and tricks #study tips #life tips #self improvement #self development #self empowerment #self help #productivityhacks #productivitytips #you got this

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

How do I know if I'm autistic?? Like I can relate to almost everything that ppl talk about in autism, I googled symptoms and stuff and I check off most of the list but idk it kinda sounds like it's just me thing, doesn't have to be autism. Maybe I am just like that, or uk it's just my anxiety issues getting in the way or smthm

/disclaimer: of course not everything I say will relate to every autistic person as we are all different. If you feel as though you are experiencing symptoms that are damaging your daily life then you should see a doctor if possible.

Well, autism is something that usually affects every aspect of your life. Your personality, your childhood upbringing, your mental health, your social life, your eating habits, your interests, how you go at work, etc.

I feel like knowing if you are autistic or not is just a decision you come to when you are ready (while doing research). You'll need to have patience with yourself (which is annoying, I know).

There is no set blood test, no brain scan, etc, that alone can diagnose you with autism. Even doctors are just doing quizzes and tests based on your answers. So, even medically there's not really any 100% fool-proof way to know. It's just something that you have to decide on your own. Do you relate to enough traits? Do you feel as though the label works for you?

BUT - The thing is, you don't need to be certain to start improving your life.

The end-goal of a diagnosis is finding ways to support you, based on that diagnosis. If things that help autistic people help you, then that's great! You don't need to be sure that you are autistic to try tips meant for autistic people and improve your life.

Before I got professionally diagnosed (a few months ago), and before I was certain in my self diagnosis, I was still using techniques meant for autistic people to help myself. And part of the reason I became more confident in my self diagnosis was because these tips/techniques helped me so much.

The kind of tips I'm talking about are things like:

experimenting with stimming and seeing how it makes you feel.

trying to reduce noise and other sensory input and seeing how it makes you feel.

trying to un-mask in safe spaces and seeing how I feel.

letting myself be picky with food and textures and seeing how I feel.

So, basically, your self diagnosis is just something you need to give yourself more time to be confident in. It can take a long time for autistic people to come to a big decision like that. We are generally cautious and thoughtful, and want to be accurate, so it takes time.

But in the mean time, experiment with techniques as if you were autistic and see how you feel. There's nothing to lose!

I also feel like the more you pressure yourself to be confident in your self diagnosis, the more doubts will begin to arise.

It can also help to keep a google doc, or a journal, of autistic traits you experience, and how often. Or keep links/screenshots to posts by autistic people you relate to. Seeing the evidence add up in a visual space can really help you to feel more confident in your self diagnosis.

And I think that's all I've got to say! I hope this helps :) Thank you for being my first ask :0

#ask #oc #autism diagnosis #late diagnosed autistic #self diagnosis #asd #autism #autism spectrum #actually autistic #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autistic blog #autistic life #autism ask #italics

[theold-ultraviolence]

hey bestie,

I hope this message will find you alright! and again, pls don't worry for your reply!

OH OH, I am not sending this on anon btw to send you the photos of the mental asylum since you said that you were curious, but yeah this place was definitely something else!

(I don't have too many photos because my phone is too full BUT.. I hope it gives you an idea of the place).

I totally gotcha: I literally have just my thesis and internship to do and I feel like I have 0 energy for it. I just want to plop down somewhere and stay there and have life pass through me these days, ugh.

also I am so glad that you are getting to see him! I truly was hoping that you could because it'd have been a shame and pls don't apologize, I wholly gotcha because I am the same!

(I am also waiting for some concert news so I gotcha the trepidation and excitement!).

(and I am glad you enjoyed the graph thingy - not me going like 'which graph thingy' because I am a dumbass. I haven't been able to listen onto more because I set up to do my thesis and the sole songs that I could listen to where 'we didn't start the fire' by fall out boy and 'vampire' by olivia rodrigo).

but tomorrow I have to take the train so catch me listening to it while on the train!

and yeah I gotcha! I live with other people at uni and we share spaces and I ain't going to lie, I feel like my patience has greatly improved because they are a SERIOUS mess. like one roommate never EVER put back the toilet paper once it is finished, while another will put alarms at 6 a.m. and then not wake up because she didn't need it (but guess who got woken up?).

in general the more I go on, the more I think that people shouldn't be allowed to co-habit together because the murder rate would go crazily. also, I gotcha about the bathroom, I truly TRULY enjoy keeping it clean, cleaning the sink and bidet and general stuff when I use it (like superficially not deep cleaning) but the amount of time I found rest of toothpaste or hair... I ... am also chomping the drywall.

also I wanted to first of all say that I am sorry to hear that about your grandma but it's a situation I also know all too well.

my grandmother had a brother who died and left his wife a widow all too early. my grandma had taken onto taking care of this woman alongside my grandpa (although my grandma has different health problems and hence she'd often rely onto my mother, who is already stressed). it was also a monetary help as they left to her a bit of money that my grandmother's mother had left to her daughters (although after she died we discovered that she had more than enough money to take care of herself).

this woman started to showcase different health problems (comprehended an inability to take care of herself on her own, because she forgot stuff and couldn't walk around) in the last three years and, although she had older nephews (that DO live in another city but like that I think are retired and not working), they never came to help her or take care of her, instead delegating her problematics to my grandmother (and in turn to my grandpa and mother, which created a stressful situation).

the funniest part is that when this woman died, the nephews came and took everything and basically although my mother and grandmother helped her greatly (as she also didn't want a private caretaker), she didn't think of writing a will and neither leaving us anything of sentimental value.

(like not to seem like we wanted to take advantage of that woman, but she'd often tell my mother that 'she'd give back to her for her help'. instead we just were her own free caretakers and I ain't going to lie but such a thing make my grandma suffer a whole lot and my mom is worried that she might fall ill again).

so yeah, I gotcha and although I don't think it's a gender only problematic in my case, I think that people truly are often blinded by their ego. I do hope still, that your grandpa might get a bit of rest.

(also this is more related to 'lady chatterley's lover' but there's this - scary - statistics about the fact that men will always leave their wives/partners if they are found ill, INSTEAD if they are the ones falling ill, women won't, which honestly makes me reflect a whole lot about ever getting married or in a serious relationship).

oh no no, I gotcha. like I don't think that it's safe to be a woman ANYWHERE, BUT... I do feel like there are different levels of safety and comfortability based on different places.

(like the city where I am going to intern, a girl who is already there told me that it is extremely safe at night and the most she saw was a drunk altercation).

also, I gotcha. in all truth, I just feel like I am missing out on so many experiences also because I don't have my own gain and I do hope to be able to soon make some money of my own, as that might help me further feel independent and also enjoy better life. but yeah, I gotcha!

but if it helps, I do believe that although the whole teen-twenties experience is sold as universal, it isn't many that are able to enjoy it fully and many cases it has some behind the scenes mechanism that are very limited. so, I do recognize the feeling but believe me: we have so much time and ability to do what we think we have lost, I truly believe it!

oh no bestie, I gotcha! like in all truth I have become chiller about the food, it's just that indeed when things aren't as they should be I tend to ugh... go a bit crazy.

and I gotcha, my mom is the EXACT same, also because I don't know about your own but sometimes I'd be ranting to my mom for the sake of ranting and she comes in giving me a whole lecture on life or saying I complain too much, I just... ugh... need to vent, I ain't looking for a life lesson.

like on thursday we had the bathroom almost flooded because the dumbasses workers forgot to link a tube and they opened the water to check in so the tube let in water (thankfully I was in the bathroom and I was quick to ask for help so nothing happened). but I was PANICKING hard and calling my mother and later she told me that I should handle between panic and these situation and I was like 'MA'AM IT AIN'T A NORMAL SITUATION'.

like, I get that it wasn't as bad and I should have been rational but I was straight up panicking.

so yeah, I wholly gotcha and the whole visa thing would have been truly annoying if it didn't happen. like maybe it isn't the end of the world but losing money and opportunities ain't ever a good thing and neither a comfort, so I gotcha why you were nervous about it.

oh yeah, in all truth I can see why that might be annoying in a book. I ain't going to lie I read this 500 pages book a few weeks ago and I was skipping through some povs because they were just plain boring (like there was this old couple always having sex and I was like 'thank you but thank you not. you could be my parents').

so, I totally gotcha your need to back off for a bit and I am glad you are enjoying your current reading.

(also I gotcha about finishing books. like I used to finish 6-7 a month and now I am lucky if I get to one in a month, ugh. my parents were always like 'yeah when you'll reach our age, you won't be able to read all these books' and now I am already losing ground)

I am going to note down your suggestions and I have always been curious about 'misery' because I really enjoy the concept and 'the mist' I do know about it but always superficially so I shall definitely add them to my to-buy list (although I bought some books like two days ago, because they always get me with the promotions: buy three and you get a cute tote bag ugh).

ok bestie, I haven't read too much (I am 150 pages in, but mostly because when I have to work with my computer, I always end up reading a lot less, so I am hopeful to have a bit of off time this weekend), but I ain't going to lie when clifford proposed the child thingy I was like 'did I read this correctly?'

(also I hate clifford. I genuinely thought I'd find pity for him but this man... ugh. probably one of the few fictional characters I can't stand).

AND YEAH I GOTCHA! in all truth I have read just a few sex descriptions and I am surprised how in line with female views they are.

(although I don't know if you know but his own lover inspired such a book so I guess he had a feminine experience to base himself on).

I have seen a few clips from the adaptation on tik toks, so I can't judge but I do know of another adaptation (with richard madden) made in 2015 that I have heard is far more faithful to the book.

AND OH GODS, I HADN'T REALIZED! but yeah, eddie is improvised waterslides and cold beers against your back when you least expect it while aemond is sticking your head in his sweater when you are cold and making him hot cocoa. oh bestie if we ain't literature geniuses!

listen... jack and his accent are growing onto me and I might try to catch up onto sas once I come back home because here at uni I have more a scattered mind and I tend to rewatch my favorites series but at home... I just might... for.. for the fact that I am interested in that historical period... I mean... of course... *john mulaney's voice* no other reason.

listen... we should move to derby. I am just saying, but at this point I just think that it'd be the best option possible for us.

bestie, in all truth, I don't think that we all know all the ways to say something in italian (even more because they tend to create new ones) and I always discover something new (like 'cicca' has a whole lot of meanings, like 'chewing gum' but also 'the finished cigarette' and in some southern parts 'joint').

so believe me, it's totally alright to feel confused and a whole lot of time also us italian are but with time and experience I am sure the you'll be able to understand it all!

(also will patiently wait for the explanation for 'lupo'/'lobo').

and I gotcha, in all truth yesterday my brain was just turned to smush as I was talking with friends, trying to write more and using tumblr. so truly one thing at the time and certainly those courses aren't running away. if it helps you, it'll be money wasted even if you try to do them with an unfocused brain and you can't learn properly so it's better if you do them in your best headset although it might take some time.

and pls, YOU are the one keeping me a whole lot of company so thank you for sticking around and still replying to my silly messages on here!

thank you, I am going back home so I hope to relax and I hope that you'll be able to enjoy your time and have fun, as well!

sending HUGE hugs back and have a lovely rest of the week

-🌗

ehehe mysterious bestie, hello!!!

Ohhh no way that place DOES look magical like I wouldn't have guessed what it actually was from a first glance!? Deadass looks like some estate in some period film where a lot of romantic drama ensues lkjlkfjgflkdjh. I can see how that got your imagination running! thank you sm for sharing!!

OOH CONCERT NEWS! what concert? (if it's okay to share of course) whoever it is, I hope they're great news as well! and also aaaaah I haven't listened to We Didn't Start The Fire by Fall Out Boy and I need to do that sooner rather than later! I've been too in my feelings listening to Oingo Boingo and Danny Elfman and that's all that I've been playing 24/7 eheheh. A7X will make its comeback in my ears when that concert nears.

Also re: sharing spaces, I KNOW! I'm having war flashbacks from when I lived in Toronto and I was all cooped up at this lady's house with her two sons and her nephew and oh boy. OH BOY. OH boy oh boy oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. On my last days there, I took a trip to Niagra Falls and I was out all day. I hadn't really eaten anything during the whole day so when I got back I was STARVING. But when I got back I was SO MAD because I couldn't make myself anything because I kid you not, all the cutlery was dirty, not a single plate or glass was available to use. And they had left their mess out in the kitchen like crazy people and I was so disgusted by it that I was like, thnx my appetite is gone lmao.

I'm so sorry to hear about that situation, bestie, it sounds absolutely awful and the saddest part is just how common it is for this sort of thing to happen? the part about the nephews barging in to claim they're due when they never lifted a finger to help is SO REAL and so maddening!! No, I absolutely understand the toll it took on your mom and grandmother. I also worry about my mom constantly because, since she's literally the only one helping and giving my grandpa money, besides working, I know she's so stressed and I fear every day that she'll be ill next. And I just KNOW what you say about the nephews is what will happen in my case with my uncles because it is 100% a similar situation with them. It sucks and it's really harsh to hear that something you're going through with shitty family members when there's a sickness to deal with is so common. It seriously shouldn't be this way and the way that some people can't look beyond their own noses and past their egos is just, ughhhhhh, truly sickening.

And also I'm so happy that you're going to a place that's gonna be safe in that regard!! I know that just for that fact alone you are going to enjoy it SO MUCH, and I'm giddy just thinking about you going to your internship! I know you've mentioned that it's been stressful to prepare and rearrange stuff for it, but it's gonna be so worth it. And I totally get you about it having to do with money too. In all truth, I think this age is quite difficult because there's so much out of our control and that it's hard to get passed that. Like what we mentioned about safety, and also our personal finances, and being dependent on support of our parents for a lot of things still. Oh gosh, for me one thing I also feel kinda holds me back is the whole 'virgin who can't drive' thing slglgkjdhkj because so much of my plans are also dependant of finding someone that can drive me places, ughh. But yeah! I'm hopeful that as we grow out of this age, things will start feeling a little bit better!

AND NO I WHOLLY GET YOU MY MOM IS THE EXACT SAME! Again, with the visa thing, I was in TEARS bestie, TEARS because I was so frustrated about it, and she was like, 'listen i know danny elfman is your dream, but you gotta put your feet on the ground and deal with what's happening in the now' AND I WAS LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE!!! CAN'T YOU SEE LIFE IS BUT A DREAM? (see what I did there?) heheh. I AM trying as you are to get better at dealing with situations. Like if I'm ever in distress of that kind I'm trying to school my thoughts into going, 'this can be fixed. all I need to do is take it step by step' but it's so easy to PANIC, and soooo so difficult to just, chill out.

Re: books. Oh gosh I feel like you're FAST though, like you're already in the Venice chapters of Lady Chatterley!?????? I feel like you started that book so recently!!! I wish I was that quick bestie because I tell you I'm still dragging with Salem's Lot. I will definitely check out the adaptation that you mention because by now I feel like I need to watch them all (although Jack O'Connell raised the bar so high for me with his take on Mellors ngl). I would pay millions to see Ewan play Mellors s;dlfkjglkjg. Also I know we literally just said about the book club with Jane Austen, but do let me know if, and when you end up diving into Stephen King, because I enjoy listening to your thoughts immensely!!

AND PLEASE I AM DYING. I tagged you in a fanart that I think encapsulates Eddie being a summer kind of love SO WELL UGH. He just iiiiiis. And it occurs to me that nearly all the fanart I've seen of Aemond he's in sweaters and jackets and stuff so, guhhhh there's something about these two that are the perfect combo for the seasons of the year. I'm weak, I'm melting just thinking about it. And the more I think about it, the more I'm LEGIT MAD they aren't real. Which is why I fully endorse us moving to Derby or just england in general to scout for our Joe Quins and Ewan Mitchells s;kjfglkgj.

I'm dying with 'Cicca' meaning all of those things!?? I'm imagining having a conversation with someone and telling them you're chewing gum and them interpreting a whole other thing lol. In here, a lot of words have like, double-meaning but in a dirty way lol. 'Chaqueta' means 'Jacket' but also literally 'jerk off'. Or like, 'huevos' (eggs) is also a colloquial way to refer to man's balls kdjslkjg. There's is literally a movie here THAT'S FOR KIDS, that's called 'Una Pelicula de Huevos' (An egg movie) but the double entendre of 'De Huevos' is like, 'A movie with BALLS' and the whole movie is comprised of these dirty double-entendre jokes that you totally miss as a kid but as an adult you're like, 'how is this for kids!!!!!?'

This totally doesn't have anything to do with anything other than languages being silly lol. But seriously, thank you! you're so right about the money being wasted. It kinda stings but you're absolutely right. I'm hoping next week I have the chance to do it though, because the trip I was going to got cancelled :( and also thank you for your never-ending patience with sharing stuff about Italy/the Italian language with me, bestie!!

I hope you had an amazing weekend filled with rest and indulgence, and I wish you a good start of the week! sending you the biggest, tightest hug! x

#🌗

[theshoesofatiredman]

Earlier this year my dad was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer.

Some days the helplessness feels so palpable, like I am buried beneath the earth desperately trying to dig my way out. The surface is impossible to reach and I just bring the earth down upon my head. But I am still clawing, still clawing. Because I want him to live. I want him to live. To live.

To live long enough to apologize, to become an empty nester, to meet grandchildren, to be there for the people he loves, to hold all that life has to offer. He probably won't make it through the next year. I wish I could still believe in an afterlife.

The grief, the rage, they come and go in waves. "My father will never figure out how to have a gay son." Furious clawing at the earth, hot tears streaming down my face. "My mother still needs him. I can't be there for her." Dirt in my lungs and under my fingernails. "He feels awful almost every day. Always sick, never getting better." Dragging huge handfuls of soil behind to try and reach the surface.

My family is still deeply religious, they adorn themselves with the brand of Christianity that almost killed me so it's hard to be around them in general but even harder now. Impossible to listen to their celebrating God's goodness in small mercies while he denies their prayers for healing. Agony to hear their desperate supplications to their cruel god. Oh the insufferable sermons on suffering and thankfulness and forgiveness. I want to take all doctrine that holds suffering as holy and set it ablaze.

I am also treated it seems like nothing has happened, like i haven't been deeply hurt, like I still believe as they do. The person I am seems invisible to them. I am trapped in the past and I do not get an apology, only more justifications for their behavior.

Many days, because I am so far from my family now geographically, it feels like it's not happening. I can forget. You go on because there's nothing else to do. I cannot cure the cancer and neither can the doctors. I check in and see how they're doing. My dad hasn't responded much to my calls and texts -- he has limited energy but sometimes I do feel bad about the fact that I'm seemingly never a priority for that energy. I've taken to just talking with my mom when I want to know how he's doing, how she's doing. I make sure to give her the opportunity to vent, because I worry people aren't asking how she's doing or when they do they don't push past her "husband health update" response.

Sometimes I feel guilty because, despite this, 2022 has still been a markedly good year for me. My mental health has improved significantly. I am happier and more stable than I've been over the past four years. I realized and accepted that I was an atheist a couple months before my dad's diagnosis and once that happened I started waiting for the thing Christians say would happen: "you may walk away from God now to pursue pleasure but once things get hard you'll be crawling back for help."

Like many Christian sayings, this is an in-group defense narrative that does not accurately testify to reality. I have not prayed nor have I felt any compulsion to pray. My mental image of the Christian god as a self-absorbed, vindictive, rageful, punitive entity has not changed. I can't really see how any of these things would change.

I am flying to be with my family soon, something that will be really hard for me but feels necessary. It'll be my third trip back since my dad got sick. When it comes to my family I think often now about Ezran's speech in the new season of Dragon Prince:

So what do we do? ... I think about a faith we can all share, a positive vision with a future filled with hope, a future where we can be safe with each other. But... it's not that easy or simple. Because people are still hurting and we can't ignore that or pretend it will go away. Somehow we have to hold it all in our hearts at the same time. We have to acknowledge the weight of the pain and loss but open up our eyes to allow ourselves to hope and maybe forgive and love again.... We have to hold pain and love in our hearts at the same time.

The pain and the love coexist. I have to hold both.

[albatris]

ok so this is Very Many bc im interested but. pls pick nd choose what u want gdkshsksjdsk

7, 9, 15, 28, 35, 36, 38, 40

(....at first I only typed Many but. yeah I'm adding the Very too jtdsjskjgd)

thank you for the questions!! :D :D

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

oh, I just ADORE the puzzle-solving aspect! I love puzzling things together and feeling like a genius when things click into place so perfectly and deliciously >:D like yes, sometimes I mess up or make silly mistakes, but eventually things will always slot together and Make Sense and I love problem solving in writing.....!!! I love tying threads together and making parallels and creating the perfect foreshadowing and designing funky little mysteries. I am both creating the puzzle and solving it as I go hehe

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

yes! I believe in ghosts, though the specifics of my beliefs surrounding ghosts are!! difficult for me to explain hahahaha

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

I don't do a lot of reading physical books these days, and when I do I don't tend to write in them anymore, but yes, I used to often write in margins, making little notes and commentaries :3 I do dog-ear pages! it's no worries to me if it's my own book, I see no harm, but I wouldn't do it to someone else's book. I couldn't ever read in the bath, I'm way too clumsy, that book is GOING to fall in hahaha. and no, no judgment from me, books are meant to be experienced and enjoyed, so however you do this is fine by me! as long as it's your own book, no harm done!

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Tris Greer!!!! I love him!! he's such a sweet kid, n I'm not at all biased by the fact that I designed him as exactly the sort of protagonist I would have loved to read about when I was in my teenage years and coming to grips with psychosis and my mental health :P in general, I just have a big soft spot for him, he's anxious and kind and gentle, he goes out of his way to buy scraps of deli meat on his way to school so he can give them to the stray cat he likes to chat to and is trying to befriend, he adores his friends and his siblings, he doesn't show affection or emotion in the "correct" ways and people find him a bit odd, but he's a good kid with a good heart :3

plus, there's something so endearing about just........ idk, Tris adores his brother so much, n Jacob gets yeeted into this fucked-up little air bubble dimension between two realities in a freak accident of space and time, n everyone is just kind of........... not..... doing anything useful about that. so u just have Tris, terrified of everything, will have a panic attack if his bus ever goes a slightly different route than normal, has enough trouble leaving his front door let alone his entire dimension..... just kind of. staring this chaotic uncaring cosmic machinery of the universe right in the face and declaring "hey no that's my brother give him back" then going to hell and back to make it happen even though everyone thinks it's impossible

n he doesn't consider himself strong or smart or brave but he is ;-;

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

ok this is gonna get reaaaaally petty, forgive me, forgive me

I haaaaaate when people insist you have to learn the rules before you break them (is "learn the rules before you break the rules" a rule?). anyway, that is ONE WAY TO LEARN. that is ONE WAY TO IMPROVE YOUR WRITING. that is ONE APPROACH. but it's EQUALLY valid to learn simply by doing and throwing yourself in and doing whatever you want and getting messy and experimenting however you want, learning the rules be damned. break 'em. break 'em right off the bat. do it

some people learn best by trying stuff for themselves and seeing what works and what doesn't and by messing about and just!!! writing!!!

if I'd tried to "learn the rules before I broke them" I'd never have written ANYTHING interesting because I would have been so caught up in trying to make sure that if I was doing anything weird or offbeat or that I hadn't seen before, I was breaking the rules "correctly", and not writing badly or being cringey or whatever else. I learned entirely by doing what I wanted and just getting messy and experimenting and LEARNING from what worked and what didn't over time from practice and patience and messy fun, not from learning the rules to make sure I was "breaking them correctly"

"break the rules correctly" ugh

and like, sure, I wrote some stuff that objectively sucked and was dreadful, but guess what. guess what. so does every beginner writer. whether they learned the rules before they broke them or not

n you know what. I got just as good as anyone who insisted I was going about things the wrong way

so, sure, "learn the rules before you break them" is one way to approach things, but "just get in there and fuck stuff up" is an equally valid approach

..........and I especially hate the times I've made posts encouraging experimentation and fun and mess and the freedom of screwing around with the rules however you like if that's what you want to do and people insist on adding "learn the rules before you break them" to my post lmao

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice…what do you Know?

............I have immediately forgotten every single thing I have ever known. I think...... well, I haven't addressed them much in writing in the way I'd like to yet, but I have some unique takes on loneliness I'd love to explore....... what do I know, what do I know....... I know working for a shitty courier company, I know lots of good vegetarian restaurants, I know South Australian road rules, I know cats, I know type 1 diabetes and schizotypal PD, I know I love my best friend and my partner and would like to give them both a little kiss on the forehead, I know the right amount of spices to put in the noodle soup dish my parents like :3

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

ahahaha, I don't think my writing process is that weird, but I don't think a lot of things I do are that weird, then sometimes I mention things and people are like "????? huh?????" so........... hm

idk, I treat writing scenes the exact same way I treat drafting a drawing on clip studio paint. not in a vague metaphorical sense, in a very literal one. except one is Words and one is Pictures. same thing but different. I also frequently chatter aimlessly to myself for the same reason. I shan't be elaborating. I literally have no idea how to explain

it's about the layers, I think

I write in layers and I don't mean first draft, second draft, third draft style layers. what I do mean, however, is..... confusing to explain

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

ooh, here, when I was very small I received a book called "Cat Haiku" as a gift, so here are two cat haiku for you :3

You rush, and I weave Between your legs. You curse; why? This is my Cat Dance.

and

I feel no need to Accomplish things. I exist; That's triumph enough.

#I did in fact answer all of these hahaha #ty again for the questions :D

[the-magnificunt]

Nancy Drew s3 theory: Ace's emotional revolution and redemption for his bad choices

Season 2 of Nancy Drew was all about Nancy's emotional development, getting through trauma, finding her way back to herself. My theory is that season 3 will be the same, but for Ace. One focus of the season will be Ace figuring out how to have better, healthier relationships with those around him.

I'll start by saying that Ace sees a lot. He has a special connection to Nancy that no one else does, and not much gets by him when it comes to her. He's lovable and adorable, and because of that and his relationship with Nancy, we've ignored that Ace is just really bad at relationships in general. Not just romantic relationships, but all kinds. The only relationship I've seen him knock out of the park is with his platanchor, but he's shown himself to be crap at others. Having a hard time believing me? Take off your rose-colored Ace glasses and read on, and let's talk Season 3 theory.

Ace is currently pretty immature in relationships of all types, making choices that are good on the surface but for the wrong reasons or making promises he can't keep. Examples:

Ace chose not to go to Paris with Laura because he finally felt he found his purpose (a nebulous and vague idea at best), but neglected to consider that she was asking him to leave his family and everything he knew with no notice and rely completely and singularly on her for both companionship and all his financial needs and how that might change their relationship.

Ace promised to make Amanda his priority, something perfectly reasonable in a relationship but that he only did to get her away from her brother. And we can all see the writing on the wall that as soon as Nancy/someone from the Drew Crew calls, he's going to drop everything, including those priorities, and drive straight back to Horseshoe Bay.

Ace keeps trying to stop Thom from going back to work because of his own childhood trauma from his father's accident. Instead of finding ways to work through this or get help in dealing with these wounds, he ignores the fact that working is both healthy and restorative to Thom, and something Thom considers his duty as a community member when he has skills that can help people. At this point, Ace standing in the way is a detriment to Thom's own mental health and happiness.

We like to joke that Bess can't keep a secret, but Ace spilled George's "shortened lifespan" secret to Bess, and that's a big deal.

He is a man of big emotions (which is great! we love to see it!) but often doesn't see where others are coming from (see: Amanda's codependent relationship w/Gil, Nancy's complex relationship w/basically everyone around her, Thom's relationship to his work). Deciding not to go with Laura was the first time he made a real choice (thanks for the push, Nick!) and stood up for himself, rather than just going with the flow.

I predict that when Amanda breaks up with him in season 3 (it's inevitable, she deserves a better boyfriend/girlfriend, everyone knows this but Ace and he probably has an inkling), it's going to start an avalanche of realizations for Ace. He's going to:

figure out he's been a terrible boyfriend

start seeing where his priorities really lie

recognize what Nancy really means to him

begin to understand what work means to his dad (I suspect this will be ugly, it's been building up for 2 seasons and that trauma won't go gently into that good night)

find all kinds of other ways to mature and become the man we didn't realize we wanted to see all along

I, for one, and excited to see Ace's emotional development, and can't wait to see all the arguments and fighting (and making up) it'll take to get there. I really hope Nick helps him along the way; he's a great friend and has helped Ace before, and we don't get enough of the two of them together.

What about you? Do you think Ace is just fine as he is, or are you hoping for some improvement on this Perfect Boyfriend material?

#nace #ace hardy #nancy drew #cw nancy drew #magnificunt meta

[theggning]

I'd you've discussed it before, I missed it. So no pressure if you don't want to rehash, but ... Can I get your general thoughts on Elder Maxson? Your opinion of him/headcanons you might have?

He's such a complex character imo, and lately he's been living rent free in my head.

Yeah, absolutely! I’ve previously given him a lot of shit and I make fun of him often (we all know What He Did) but he is actually a really complex and fascinating character. 

I actually feel really sorry for Arthur Maxson. The poor kid never had a chance to be well-adjusted or have a normal life. Arthur is the last living descendant of the man who founded the Brotherhood of Steel, and he comes along at a time when the Brotherhood is heavily struggling for relevance. In the west, they’re strictly and dogmatically isolationist, and you end up with groups like the Mojave chapter fading into obscurity in a bunker. In the east, you’ve got Owyn Lyons, who makes a stand for what he believes in (altruism), gets his entire chapter disowned, and loses half of his soldiers because they disagree (the Outcasts from FO3.) 

Meanwhile, Arthur carries the blood and the name of the one person EVERYONE in the Brotherhood believes in. When we meet him in FO3, Squire Arthur Maxson is a smart, shy, gentle 10-year-old boy who’s been sent eastward away from his parents both to protect him and to “make him stronger” (his parents die while he’s away.) He had no friends his own age and no friends at all, actually (except for Liberty Prime-- a journal entry mentions a scribe chasing Arthur out of the lab and scolding him for trying to befriend a machine.) He hero-worships Sentinel Sarah Lyons, but he’s too young and clumsy to follow her out into the field. Everybody treats him like a small soldier or a messiah, no matter how he tries to downplay his lineage and claim to be a normal boy. This literal child spends his entire life being told he’s special and mighty with a “soul forged from eternal steel.”

The pressure and the expectations eventually start to push him into embracing his “destiny.” By 12, he’s improved his combat skills enough to kill two raiders on patrol. By 13, he single-handedly kills a deathclaw (and earns his face scar.) By 15 he’s taking out important super mutant leaders. And by 16, he’s so hardcore that the West Coast BoS gets back in touch with the East and names Arthur Elder. At the age normal teenage boys are socializing with peers or having friends or letting their brains finish developing, Arthur Maxson is the goddamn supreme commander of a military force. And the East Coast BoS actually thrives under him, becoming more powerful and relevant than they’ve ever been. And this is how we go from the shy, quiet squire to the charismatic, highly-beloved (MOTHERFUCKING 20-YEARS-OLD) Elder Arthur Maxson in FO4. 

I wouldn’t say that FO4!Arthur buys into his own hype. Despite how he’s been treated his whole life, he doesn’t believe that he is a god or a messiah. But he does believe literally every single word of the BoS codex. He does believe that they are saving humanity and doing what’s best for the future. He has been living as the legend people expected of him for years now, and is determined to continue down that path. 

I think in his own twisted way, Arthur actually does care about the people of the Commonwealth, as he claims to. But it’s in the same way that a king cares about his subjects. He knows what’s best for them and doesn’t really care to seek their input before doing what he likes. Though he genuinely does believe the Institute is evil and he genuinely wants to protect the world from their menace, he also comes to the Commonwealth because he wants to lead his own glorious war of liberation, the way Owyn Lyons did in the Capital. 

Also, for all people claim the BoS were “ruined” by Arthur in FO4, keep in mind that  

A. Lyons’ BoS and their charity and altruism were actually outliers- most of the BoS are a bunch of isolationist asswipes (see: the entire West Coast branch) B. The BoS hating non-human races is the norm, not the exception C. Arthur has actually fairly smoothly integrated BoS traditions with Lyons’ more fair and altruistic beliefs (which he grew up with.) He clearly maintains a lot of respect for the Lyons family (even if the current BoS party line is to denigrate them in favor of praising Arthur.) 

Here are some things that Arthur has commanded of his BoS that make them the kinder, gentler version of the faction, and also just some general nice things he’s done as Elder: 

Civilians are ordered to be treated fairly. BoS soldiers are not permitted to harm them (except in self defense) and any and all tech they possess is to be traded for fairly with food and medicine. If they refuse to trade, they are left alone. 

BoS soldiers are to defend civilians and initiate proactive strikes on super mutants, feral ghouls, Institute synths, and other threats. BoS vertibird crews are to protect caravans from above. 

BoS soldiers are to be monitored for mental health concerns as well as physical. Arthur explicitly orders Cade to treat all mental conditions the same way he would treat an injury. 

He shows deep personal concern for his staff and crew. This is notable in the terminal entries re: Ingram, where Arthur is apologetic for denying her field duty-- and when she disobeys him and goes to Mass Fusion anyway, all he does for punishment is to write her a sternly worded letter. 

Arthur Maxson is a cold, brutal, unflinching military dictator with a god complex. He is a lonely, frightened child carrying the weight of the world and desperately trying to prove himself. He’s a compassionate, charismatic leader. He’s a terrifying enemy. He’s an idealistic liberator who wants to protect humanity. He’s a dogmatic bigot who thinks evolving his views is showing weakness. He’s all of these at the same time. He could only get the wide and varied fandom reception he does by having this many facets of his personality, and by being one of the most complicated characters in the game. 

And okay, I’ll say it: his beard and his jacket are pretty sexy. 

#fallout 4 #arthur maxson #gg answers #i pick on him but honestly maxson is really interesting #he's just mean to my boy so i want to give him a swirly #he's a great and complex ally/antagonist and they did an amazing job with him #fallout meta

[dystopiandilfs]

(cw cc!Karl negative/critical)

I don't know if this has been touched on in your previous posts but I wanted to talk on how Karls constant forced integration into groups or need for larger creators around is quite frustrating to watch.

What all began as a silly bit in his early days with him being a part of L'manburg from the beginning or the dream team, has developed into a cry for constant involvement within his friend groups. Be it from Tina and Georges "sunshine duo" nickname they created from an inside joke in uno which Karl immediately claimed himself a part of. Or, in the among us with corpse and friends, although not involved in the bit he would try and get the last word in. It's ok to not be a part of every conversation yet he doesn't seem to realize this.

Obviously, his friends aren't bothered by his actions and I have no intention on claiming they do. However, as a viewer I've recently started perceiving it as his fear that something new could begin without him being a part of it. So what if it did? I feel like Karl is on a constant attempt at staying relevant and dreads the thought of someone forgetting him. Tales seems to be a prime example of such, consisting of 4 well known CCs (techno, dream, corpse, etc.) and potentially one who averages less than 50k.

Although I understand the need for viewer retention, the Dream SMP itself incorporates a wide variety of streamers of varying sizes, surely they all deserve a spot. Yet tales has had a castlist barely breaching half of such over the course of 8 episodes. Although he may not have established connections with such streamers I'm sure many would be thrilled to recieve a request at something bigger than the average stream. He seems to care little for the story's and more for the cast he pulls together and the build they reside on. Due to such, there is no hype for tales, there is just hype for the creators taking part. The project isn't passion filled, it's a reminder on why we should all look at Karls streams and remember Karl, he brings creators together don't forget! He's relevant.

Karl has become too lenient on his friends for content, I can't recall the last time we had a solo stream (minus his apology). His fatal flaw seems to be disregarding a viewer base centered around him and more so turning the attention to his friends. Thus, solo content would be left lacking. His ability to entertain an audience requires others to bounce off of or divert the attention to. I think he realizes such judging by this behavior. However, for the long term survival of a streamer this is far from ideal.

(Don't feel any need to respond, this was a mess of a rant that took twelve turns midway)

Yeah that has been bought up a lot recently. Especially since Sykkuno apparently sounded genuinely annoyed during an among us stream after Karl kept of claiming he was always part of the amigops. As well as him going on about how he built Kinoko Kingdom, people saying at least credit Foolish instead of dismissing his hard work that you're not been going to use. I said before that Karl's stream are never solo minus like 2 but even then it's him watching someone else do something. Karl physically seems unable to do anything that is just him and his own content.

The nickname for him is Klout Khaser Karl for a reason. I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if he dropped his own family for a bit of clout. Like I have no issue with people making friends and benefitting for clout but when you have to rely on clout and popular streamers to keep your career going it's not a good thing.

Not to mention that when he tried to claim that he was part of the original group on the DreamSMP a lot of newer viewers got genuinely confused thinking that he was their from the start. Like if you're going to have a bit you need to clarify afterwards otherwise it's just going to cause chaos and confusion. Also it's not just clout he has this thing where if he's not got the attention on him he starts doing things to be noticed like moaning loud, screeching and just generally being obnoxiously loud.

I see a lot of people saying that Karl isn't using his friends for clout because he doesn't care which literally isn't true. One big example being one of his streams with Sapnap where he refused to start until he got more viewers and was telling people to tweet out a stream link. Someone else also recently mentioned that during the egg painting stream he constantly mentioned about how far away he was from his subgoal to which others mentioned how he mentions his subgoal a ridiculous amount of times. I was also sent a link on twitter to a thread (now unfortunately deleted) that was Someone comparing the difference between Karl, Technoblade and Ranboo about how much they go on about followers, subgoals, giving money, gifting bits and subs. Like how did Karl spend 30 more minutes asking people to sub than Ranboo when Ranboo streams 3 times as often and twice as long. (Including his subathons)

I genuinely think that Karl has a stable enough fanbase and he doesn't need to rely on bigger names like Dream and Corpse to get views so I don't know why he does it if it's not for clout.

In my opinion Karl started this persona of being an uwu soft boy and now he's got this mentality of doing what's popular and trendy at the time to the point of him no longer having an individual personality. I do think it's a bit of narcissism but I do think it's also got a lot to do with the fact that he's surrounded by Mr Beast and his "Bigger and Better or scrap it" mentality as well as Dream's growth mentality. I think he's adopted Dream's ideas about growth but put if towards himself compared to Dream who thrives off of growing others.

Honestly I think he needs to take time off to re-evaluate everything and start fresh. Not relying on names and not being obsessed with views. I think he needs to take a short hiatus and when he comes back to only do a few solo streams to show his individual personality. (but also to appear in others streams as support) Similar to people staying off the internet for a bit to improve mental health I think he needs to leave to find a personality that's not ridiculously fabricated.

(Can't wait for the anonymous hate comments for this one)

#karl jacobs critical

[semercury]

Who are your top 5 favorite characters of all time?

you know, nonny, this is a deceptively hard question to answer lol! i'm definitely one of those people who when asked what their favorite anything is, i immediately forget anything i've ever liked lol! and the "of all time" bit of the question has me stumped. i'm so bad at ranking things i like, because i so often like things, especially characters, for very different reasons, and often those reasons are not greater or lesser than any others, but they are different. and it's hard to decide whether characters i used to love but now for whatever reason don't still qualify. for example, anyone who knew me in 2018 knew i was obsessed with karamatsu, and while i still have so much love for him in my heart, after certain events transpired, there's a large amount of pain mixed in. or what about characters i loved as a child but don't care for anymore? do brambleclaw or firestar deserve spots on this list?

but i do like talking about characters. i cannot guarantee i'm answering in the way you specifically wanted, but here are five characters very close to my heart at least!

got long rip

1. pannacotta fugo, jojo's bizarre adventure part 5 - i guarantee you knew he was going to be on this list lol! i always find it fascinating in how we see ourselves in characters. and i know it's especially funny with him, bc when i first watched va, i was assured i wouldn't like him. lo and behold, he is now my son and my favorite character. i appreciate the depth and how relatable his flaws are and certain aspects of his backstory. washed up gifted kid solidarity, you know? but my favorite thing is how he relates to others. the fear and over analyzing is extremely relatable.

2. yuki sohma, fruits basket - similarly i relate to his flaws and anxiety. and while it was obviously very different, the childhood emotional abuse he experienced made me feel less alone and gave me a way to express what i was feeling. his story made me feel seen, and of course, i just love fruits basket in general because of what it says about love and how we relate to each other, and yuki especially learning to just relax and be himself when he's so used to being viewed as a tool and simultaneously the golden child and not enough is important. good emotional representation! and yes, i do just see sad blond/white/silver haired anime boys and sign adoption papers before asking, what of it?

3. chidi anagonye, the good place - everyone owes me money for every single bad ocd representation in media lol. chidi is not one of them. i felt so Seen when i first started watching the good place, like in a way that makes me feel emotional to this day. scrupulosity/moral ocd is hardly ever talked about and seeing a character on tv who had it was like !!! i'm not alone!! and i love how it isn't always painted as a bad thing! it does help them at times! he's an important character and grows and improves and it's just! i love him so much!!

4. shane, stardew valley - i'm sure you knew he was going to be on this list too lol! be it the fact that he has one of the best character arcs in the game or the fact that he feeds into my compulsive need to fix people or how darn relatable his depression and alcohol struggles are, i just love this man. yet again, more great mental health representation and the game shows him getting help and improving himself and that's just wonderful! he doesn't stay brooding and angry like the stereotype, his struggles aren't glorified, they just. are. and again, he gets better. he learns to lean on people who love him. we love to see it! microdosing on self love by loving characters who have the same struggles as you lol!

5. harry potter, harry potter - please no one shoot me for this. this is a complicated answer. i have been angry at jkr pretty much since the cursed child came out and made the "all was well" line at the end of the last book a lie, and i've only gotten angrier at her as time has gone on. but it would be a lie to say these books didn't shape my childhood. i can't just ignore the fact that i grew up alongside harry. i can't deny that i loved these books and i cared deeply for so many of the characters, especially harry. i remember being a bit younger and thinking about how no one's favorite harry potter character was harry, and so i wanted him to be my favorite (before that would have been fred weasley). and i still stand by that. he was an abused child who was trying his best and dealing with impossible things. the older i get, the more i want to wring dumbledore's neck for letting harry down so much. i know what it's like to look to the adults in your life for help and either be denied help or feel like it's not even worth it. and these books got me through some tough times. i know it's kind of stupid to say, but hogwarts was my happy place growing up. i reread these books so much the first few are almost torn up from it. so like. i can't not include the little boy wizard who was damn near a friend to me growing up.

some honorable mentions: makoto naegi, danganronpa; makoto tachibana, free!; adrien agreste, miraculous ladybug; canada, hetalia; and sophie fisher, music & lyrics.

#ask #anon

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

[just-stop]

From AFLW to roller derby, experts say its time to take concussion in women's sport seriously

When the Crows chase their third AFLW premiership on Saturday, captain Chelsea Randall will be watching from the sidelines.

A concussion from a collision during last week's preliminary final left her ruled out of the match.

It's a bitter sweet way to end a season — but as Sarah McCarthy knows, a concussion can have much longer consequences

In 2016, Sarah was the jammer for her Sydney roller derby team, skating at high speed in the league's Grand Final, aiming to get past the opposition and score points.

Risks of contact sport

Sarah McCarthy received a knock to the head during a roller derby match.

"I was a few feet in front of the pack, looking over my shoulder," she tells ABC RN's Sporty.

As she skated, a competitor's elbow hit Sarah's neck and jaw hard and she crashed to the ground.

She doesn't remember if she passed out or not, but recalls feeling briefly sick.

She got up, sat out for awhile, but later re-joined the bout, feeling reasonably ok.

It was Sarah's second concussion that week, having had an earlier blow at training.

The next few months passed in a blur of sickness, dizziness and ringing ears.

"I could barely make it past lunch time without falling asleep. My head felt like it was in a vice 24 hours a day," she says.

What was worse, says Sarah, was the memory loss, heightened emotions, and constant haze in her mind as she struggled to manage a big work project.

Sarah's experience is not out of the ordinary. Experts say sportswomen are at higher risk of concussion than male athletes, and the effects of concussion in women tend to be more severe.

Sarah still lives with the ongoing after effects of her concussion even today.

Almost five years on, Sarah continues to live with the implications of Post Concussion Syndrome.

"I struggled verbally, and I still do now if I have a poor night's sleep," Sarah says.

"It's almost like I'm sitting on a chair in a room with a curtain around me and all of my vocabulary is just beyond the curtain. And I can't reach it or I use the wrong words. I forget people's name all the time," she says.

"I'm fatigued every day. I still can't exercise. I can't handle stress, I can't handle light, I can't handle sounds."

What happens when you're concussed?

Dr Adrian Cohen, an emergency and trauma physician who researches concussion prevention, says concussion is not as simple as was once thought.

He says concussion results in less blood flow to the brain.

This means brain cells, called neurons, don't get enough oxygen and glucose. They also suffer a "structural deformity".

Basically, Dr Cohen says, the brain has a "metabolic crisis" and neurons stop working properly.

Why is concussion more common in women?

We don't have enough data on the size of the problem, Dr Cohen says.

But research and scrutiny of concussion in women in sport is growing — largely in the wake of developments in elite men's sport such as the AFL and NFL.

"Doctors like myself who work in this area are definitely seeing it more often and we're seeing it with more severity," Dr Cohen says.

He says women sustain more concussions than men in high-impact sports such as rugby league, rugby union and Australian rules football. Women also take longer to recover.

One possibility is that women may be more likely to report concussion.

But Dr Cohen says there are complex physiological factors at play.

"There are structural differences between men and women's brains," he says.

"They actually have a slightly faster metabolism than male brains, and they have slightly greater oxygen flow to the head.

"The cells themselves can be thought of as being slightly hungrier. So in the context of an injury that disrupts the supply of glucose and oxygen, it can help explain why they suffer more damage."

He also says women are joining high impact sports without years of tackle training and have had less opportunity to build up the strong neck muscles crucial in protecting against impact.

Dr Cohen says these factors are not an argument for reducing women's participation in contact sport — the benefits, he says, far outweigh the risks — but he is urging for new ways to minimise those risks.

"We have to outlaw illegal play that causes damage, we have to get people off the field when they have an injury, we have to recognise concussion," he says.

He is part of a team developing a new device which he says can quickly and accurately assess a player for concussion.

"Instead of just asking somebody whether they're okay, and putting [them] through a 10 minute test, which seems fundamentally flawed at the moment, we have got to put this in the field of objectivity."

Concussion and migranes

Dr Rowena Mobbs, a Macquarie University neurologist who researches and treats the effects of concussion in sportspeople, says there is truth to suggestions that women experience concussion symptoms more severely.

"But there is this really important overlap of chronic migraine after trauma, and the term for this is post-traumatic headache," she says.

"When we talk about migraine ... they're the same multitude of symptoms that can occur in concussion.

"So you can be dizzy and clouded in your thinking, lethargic and have double vision. And we know that women are at three times the risk of chronic migraine than men."

A woman on roller skates playing roller derby can be seen flying up the court.

Experts say more research is needed into concussion in sportswomen.(Liam Mitchell Photography )

She suggests there could be an association between chronic migraine syndrome and concussion, a kind of double whammy for women.

"It's really a complex area," Dr Mobbs says.

"It's fairly new to research because, unfortunately, there's been so much preferred research in men in sport, and we're only just now approaching female concussion."

In Australia, the Sports Brain Bank works on diseases such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) and other brain disorders associated with previous concussions or head impacts.

Dr Cohen says there are several Australian sports women who've pledged to donate their brain to the Sports Brain Bank.

"But in general terms, these women won't have been playing the games for as long, and at as high a level," he says.

He says concussion and its long-term consequences "are a numbers game".

"The more impacts to the head you have, the more likely you are to suffer short, medium and long-term consequences. Therefore, the more likely it is to show up as CTE. But we're going to be seeing it in women unfortunately, in the not too distant future."

Invisible injuries

Concussion rules are changing in Australian football codes — the rules that mandated Randall miss the AFLW grand final were brought in earlier this year.

Dr Mobbs welcomes these new rules, but hopes the conversation in elite sport will extend to how concussion is managed at training and in community sport.

In 2019, the Australian Institute of Sport released an updated set of concussion guidelines to improve player safety and address rising concerns in the community around the links between concussion and CTE, which has been linked to dementia and behavioural problems.

Dr Mobbs wants measures like restricting heading the ball in soccer training to be considered.

"We must look after people's brains," she says.

"We can preserve what we love about the sports, they can still be played hard, but it just means that we've got to all get together and think of ways we can preserve brain health for these players."

Sarah McCarthy wishes she'd been stopped from returning to play in the 2016 grand final, and regrets not taking time to immediately rest after the injuries.

She has advice for other people who experience concussion.

"First and foremost, stop everything - stop," she says.

"If you can, stay in a dark room, don't do anything that's too mentally taxing. Don't exercise.

"If I had taken that four to six weeks to rest [and] not have too much mental and emotional stimulation, I think my recovery would have been a lot quicker."

[script-a-world]

hello. i want to write a story set in a very religious place. like fanatic level of religious. in my mind, this place is ruled by what the church says but has a "cover" figure to "connect" with the people. the people of this place are devoted to their religion, meaning they know passages, go to mass, and shun those who don't support it. here is my question: how does one go about creating a religion that feels real? what do i need to take into consideration (i'm not religious myself).

Mod Miri Note: At the same time this came in we also received from the google form the question “How do I world build a religion?” I can’t confirm they’re the same anon, but we’re combining them for the answer.

Brainstormed: You seem to have a very… narrow perception of religion? If you aren’t religious yourself and you’re (presumably) from a Western culture, it makes sense that the Christian church and more specifically Catholicism are your go-to images of hyperreligion. Saying “mass” and “church” and “passages” kind of gives away the fact that you’re trying to base your religion off of at least your idea of an Abrahamic religion, but I’d ask you to reconsider. Right now it sounds like you’re trying to create a negative critique of these religions, and even if that is what you’re going for, you need to do a lot of research on their theology, history, and practices before you can do so with any competence.

I’d suggest doing some basic research on types of religions, like animism, pantheism, polytheism, general superstition, etc. There are plenty of spiritual worldviews that you might consider way over the top, but whose believers find it more bizarre when people don’t follow their teachings. Fanatics are never fanatics in their own mind, and especially among their own people, but also… fanatic might be a relative term. If you’re approaching this from a nonreligious background, then you might consider X-amount of religion in one’s lifestyle to be fanatic-level. Whereas a person who actively practices religion would consider X-amount to be perfectly normal, and only folks who take it to XX-amount plus some shadier practices are the true fanatics.

Remember, religions start because people want to make sense of the world. There is a deeper feeling of wonder and personhood and power, both within a human being and in the whole world around us, that drives spirituality and generates superstition. Religion, at least to start, is beneficial to people, otherwise no one but sadists would follow its teachings. Now, like anything else, religion can devolve into a means of power hoarding and control of a populace, but only because of the people in charge getting greedy. The vast majority of religions I’ve studied have had radical, freeing, empowering teachings applicable to everybody when they first sprang up, and only later did adherents twist those teachings into societal oppression. If there is no satisfaction or benefit in your religion, there won’t exactly be any incentive for people to follow it so closely, aside from whatever negative consequences occur for those who fall away. And negative consequences aren’t often enough to keep people in a religion. If following religion is more painful than the consequences of leaving it, plenty of people will jump ship.

Religion can also show up in every single part of life. According to Wikipedia:

A religious experience (sometimes known as a spiritual experience, sacred experience, or mystical experience) is a subjective experience which is interpreted within a religious framework. The concept originated in the 19th century, as a defense against the growing rationalism of Western society. William James popularised the concept.

You look up and see a cloud, a spiritual person sees a portent, or a spirit, or a castle where the gods live. You take a break from work for a minute, a spiritual person now has time to mutter a prayer, or observe the mood of the world, or dedicate their work to their god. A person doesn’t have to be anywhere near a fanatic to have their religion be in every part of their life. Especially if they adhere to a more lax spirituality or superstitious worldview instead of an organized religion, the central spiritual experience of religious belief alters the perception of self and surroundings. It isn’t only a set of rules to follow.

It can even help areas of society that modern Western society considers nonreligious! Historically, medicine has always come under religion. Witch doctors, medicine men, witchcraft, even the hygiene laws laid out in the Christian Bible. Physical health has often been considered a reflection of spiritual health, which, in a way, is true! The placebo effect means tending to one’s mental and emotional health with the reassurance of religion will improve one’s physical health as well. Not only that, but the power of a “spiritual experience”, regardless of if you believe the supernatural is real, can cause religious ecstacy, something you might perceive as a serious psychological problem but those who experience it consider to be a deep form of spiritual expression to be treasured and sought after. The spread and preservation of information is also often aided by religion, even though that can change should those in power want to change history or obscure truth for their own reasons. Just look at the history of the printing press and how that was driven by the need for Bibles. Many cultures, most famously Australian Aboriginal peoples, have oral histories thousands of years long that tie in closely to their spirituality.

You also might be confusing religion with cults. If you think all religion is predatory, playing on people’s weaknesses and fears in order to coerce them into a miserable lifestyle of following strict laws and living under control of those in power, you definitely have conflated “religion” and “cult”. If you’d like to worldbuild a cult, go ahead! It’s likely to be smaller and less acceptable than an established organized religion, not very transparent to the outside world nor its members, and have a spirituality that is in fact just a veneer over gaining power, instead of genuine belief and devotion, and may in fact require people to murder or commit suicide. Just look at Scientology, or these, or even Jared Leto, and a more in-depth look from this organization covering many different kinds of cults.

On a more worldbuildy note, are those who practice this religion correct? Does their god(s) exist? Is the supernatural real? If yes, then are they really fanatics if they’ve been right all along? Even if they’re incorrect, the dedication and deep-held beliefs of religious people shouldn’t be mocked wholesale, in my opinion. Make sure to keep some genuine three-dimensional development for characters who are part of this religion, or include other religions with different practices, or the only thing you’ll accomplish is “waaaa religion bad believers dumb”. And if that is the story you want to write, feel free, but I can’t help you there.

Feral: What makes a religion feel real? Sincere faith.

Specifically among the leaders. I mean, sure, those lemming-like peasants who actually believe that superstitious nonsense will have sincere faith, but honestly? There is going to be a higher percentage of people faking it among the masses than among the clergy. Clergy members are generally required to go through rigorous studies and often take vows that can cause great discomfort. I am sure there are those who did it for the power - there are in atheist organizations as well, humans can be crap - but if you actually read the writings of important Church leaders of the past, not to mention rabbis, imams & mullahs, and archakas, you’re going to find that they have sincere faith.

Something you should always keep in mind when developing pre-modern religion in a Western context is that before the advent of modern scholarship, which starts to become a thing in the West during the Renaissance, all the important scholars were clergy. And again, those learned people either had to be really, really dedicated to their power-hungry ambitions or had to have sincere faith.

That does not make religions perfect by any means nor does it mean that the god they have sincere faith in is omnibenevolent (though the qualities of an omnibenevolent god will be strongly dependent on the culture that worships it). And religious leaders are absolutely capable of doing terrible, terrible things even if they profess to worship an omnibenevolent god, and politicians can definitely twist things around to suit their needs (again, this is not exclusive to religiosity). But your ask has this weird given that a major religion (on par with Catholicism/Christianity) in your world is a scam, and while yes, that happens in cults and alternative religions and in splinter groups*, as Brainstormed pointed out that’s just not how, at least, the four major religions of our world got started.

Yes, it’s true that bureaucracies of a certain size and age will inevitably begin to change focus to protecting its own existence. And yes, it’s true that ambitious sociopaths will be drawn to places of authority even if they are difficult to achieve. And yes, it’s true that an individual entering a toxic environment is more likely to be changed by the environment than to change the environment. But guess what! That has nothing to do with whether the organization is religious or not.

Why does a religion exist in the first place? It explains the universe in a pre-modern world; it provides organization and structure for community focus - in other words, many social programs have historically been run through religious organizations and leadership. And it provides hope and comfort in a very scary world.

Some clergy might be able to fake all of that for a little while, but a large bureaucracy with many clerics who are all in on the fake? No. Allow me to rephrase: hell no. People are not dumb. Maybe you believe that of all religious people, but you are wrong and they are not. The people in your world, if they’re anything like the people in our world, are gonna sniff out the bullshit if none of their religious leaders believe what they’re selling. There is a reason Scientology has to keep blackmail files on all its adherents, and I promise you, the Catholic Church does not do that.

*A note on cults, alternative religions, and splinter groups: Cults and alternative religions (their PR friendly name) are “religions” that are scammy and/or actively dangerous to the participants or others: People’s Temple, Branch Davidian, etc. Splinter groups are congregations that start as normal members of a large religion or denomination but its insular culture creates a divide that just takes things a little too far even for the most fanatical of the main sect (think terrorist groups that link themselves to religions). These types of religions might be what you are actually asking about. Groups like these can be highly, highly influential but in a very contained area. What cults often do is the leader settles in an area and buys property and builds a church and maybe a school and then encourages the members to all move either onto the plot of land if it’s large enough or to buy up surrounding land and homes and push out all the non-believers. That area can then be fortified or just have a de facto boundary with the rest of the world. Sometimes a group like this can become large enough to constitute an entire town, but rarely a city - groups that large will more often have centralized compounds but with the members living scattered among non-believers, as Scientology does. Obviously a group concentrated like that will have an impact on local politics, if they are allowed to participate, but it’s not going to go farther than the county line, so to speak. As we all know from the news, splinter groups like ISIS can become very large and globe spanning, but those types of groups have within them splinter groups and factions, and I don’t think that’s what you’re asking about anyway, so I’m just going to leave it there.

But frankly, your ask reads to me as “how do I create a fantasy!Catholic that is secretly evil and will show the audience how evil religion is in the real world? Opiate of the masses!” And my advice is… don’t. Because it lacks compassionate understanding of people of faith (many faiths), it lacks a factual understanding of how world religions differ and function, it totally lacks nuance, and finally, because it is absolutely, monumentally, extremely, really, very cliche.

Maybe the way your ask is coming across to me is totally not how you intended it. Maybe you only used the jargon you used because you assumed we wouldn’t know any other terms and maybe your understanding of world religions is actually quite sophisticated. Maybe you really do have this insanely clever way to spin a tired cliche into some new and original. In these cases, we strongly encourage you to come right back with as jargon-full and specific an ask as you can write, use our submission google form to do it. Otherwise, give our responses some thought and if after you’ve developed your religion, you want to come back with a specific ask other than “how do I world build a religion?” (which is a little too broad), please feel free.

#pylons #religion #Anonymous