#at how shawn was so scared and so convinced that gus was gonna say no and how every 2 days he’d be like ‘are you sure i should ask

[captainsjack]

the first time shawn gives gus a mixtape is gus’s 16th birthday.

they’re hanging out on the beach, the sun just slipping below the horizon, a soft pink glow illuminating the sky, and shawn just kinda shoves it at him.

“here, happy birthday.”

gus’s face lights up, and shawn can’t help but wonder why everyone makes such a fuss about sunsets or oceans or whatever, when gus is right here.

“thanks shawn!” gus flips the tape over, carefully scanning the list of songs.

shawn spent almost two months on it (not that he’s gonna tell gus that), carefully choosing each song, writing and rewriting the title and playlist until it was perfect.

“now you have something to listen to in your car.”

when gus looks back up and smiles at him, shawn swears his heart skips a beat.

-

that christmas, shawn gives gus another mixtape.

he spends almost three months on it this time - each song specially chosen just for gus. some are new songs that he thinks gus will like, others are songs they had listened to together long ago. many are songs that just remind him of gus.

sometimes when shawn comes over, gus will have one of the tapes playing in his room. it always warms shawn’s heart to know that gus listens to the things he made him. there’s this feeling of contentment, bliss, when they hang out and shawn hears his - their - music playing in the background.

-

by the middle of junior year, shawn starts giving gus mixtapes randomly - not just for holidays and birthdays.

he just puts together tapes of all of the songs he knows gus likes, or he thinks gus will like, or songs that remind him of gus.

at first, shawn was kind of iffy about giving gus mixtapes when it wasn’t for a special occasion. but each time shawn had given him one, gus had this shine in his eyes and this huge smile on his face, and shawn found himself wanting to see it again and again and again. of course, he always wants to see gus smile and hear him laugh, but there was something special about gus’s expression both times shawn gave him a tape. so shawn decides to make more and more and more.

most of the songs are about best friends or they have no hidden meaning - just really cool songs. but over time, shawn finds himself putting more and more of his feelings into the mixtape he’s making. by senior year, the tapes are pretty much declarations of love. and shawn figures that either gus can’t tell what he’s doing - saying, or he’s just ignoring it to let him down easy. either way, shawn doesn’t let it stop him.

by the end of senior year, gus has almost fifteen mixtapes.

-

shawn leaves two days after graduation. there’s no note, no phone call - nothing. he doesn’t even tell gus why or where he’s going.

gus spends that summer listening to all of shawn’s tapes, over and over. whether he’s at the beach, at home packing for college, or laying in his yard soaking in the sun, one of shawn’s mixtapes is always in the background.

he doesn’t know what else to do, really. what are you supposed to do when your best friend of almost thirteen years, up and leaves without warning? gus uses the tapes as a distraction - so he’s not alone with his thoughts, wondering why he left, where he is, convincing himself over and over that there was something he could’ve done to get him to stay. but he also listens to them… because, well, they’re shawn’s. if he can’t have shawn in person anymore, then at least he can have the tapes he made for him. he can have their memories, hear him, see him, through the songs. it’s as close as he can get to the real thing.

-

at the end of autumn, gus gets a little package in the mail. he recognizes shawn’s handwriting right away. there’s no return address.

inside is a mixtape and a postcard. the tape is titled “miss you buddy.” the postcard is long and packed with words, and gus can barely read it because it’s all squished. but shawn apologizes (if somewhat vaguely) for not saying goodbye, and tells him where he is and what he’s been doing.

when gus listens to the new tape that night, something deep inside him finally begins to release. things are gonna be okay.

after the initial package sent freshman year, shawn continues to send gus mixtapes. there’s a lot less than during high school, and they pretty much default back to birthday presents the eleven years he’s away. but he still does it. and they’re still filled with loving songs - some happy, some sad, some yearning.

gus, of course, loves them. there’s a lighter bounce in his step, and even if he doesn’t hear from shawn all that often, every time he gets a new tape and a postcard, it’s a reassurance that shawn is still a part of his life. gus writes back as often as he can, and he grows accustomed to their new normal.

-

shawn moved back to santa barbara about a month ago. gus hasn’t gotten a tape in over a year.

they’re hanging out in gus’s apartment one night, and shawn sees a section on gus’s bookshelf next to his cassette player. all of shawn’s tapes are organized by date and carefully taken care of.

shawn just kinda laughs, because he gets this weird feeling in his stomach, and he’s like “dude, i can’t believe you still have all of that.”

and gus just looks at him and says (maybe a bit too serious), “yeah, why wouldn’t i?”

shawn doesn’t really know what to say, so he just smiles softly at him and switches the topic.

that’s when he realizes how important those tapes were. during high school yes, but also when he was away. they were a reminder to gus of how important he was to shawn, and they eased the feeling of gus being scared shawn wouldn’t come back. he realizes how much gus really loved and needed those.

and shawn also knows that they haven’t yet had a conversation about him moving back. gus still thinks that shawn’s going to leave any second - that psych (and gus) are just a temporary adventure before he moves on again. but gus hasn’t brought it up, so shawn hasn’t either, but he knows it’s still a thing between them.

when he realizes the importance of the tapes and what they mean, he makes gus another one. he spends a couple of weeks on it - getting it perfect, and gives it to gus.

they’re at the office, hanging around, waiting for a case, and shawn’s just like “here, i made you something,” and hands gus a mixtape.

it’s his way of telling gus he isn’t leaving. that he’s always going to be here, because - it’s gus.

this tape is full of soft, loving songs. there are a few regular songs thrown in there, ones that are more recent and popular, that shawn just thought gus would like (mostly to distract from the quite honestly way too cheesy and emotional vibes of the other songs). but, mostly, the songs are about love and lifelong friendships and soulmates.

when gus listens to it that night, he finally feels at peace.

-

when shawn gives gus the tape that month, it’s the first time he sees gus’s reaction since high school. the glint in his eyes, the way his face softens around the edges, the almost indescribable vibrance and light to him - somewhat familiar, but just out of reach. he’s filled with that feeling again, of wanting to - needing to - always see gus like that. and so, shawn starts making more and more mixtapes.

shawn gives gus almost two tapes per month. they listen to them together - in the car driving around for cases, at gus’s apartment cooking dinner, and at the office waiting for clients.

a part of shawn knows that gus is only listening to the music. he’s not listening for the meaning behind the lyrics. he’s not listening to shawn. and it’s a truth shawn had accepted a while ago. gus is being respectful enough to not mention what shawn is trying to tell him. because if gus has to say, “hey, look man, i know what you’re telling me, and i don’t feel that way about you, but we’re still gonna be friends! also, i still like the tapes regardless of if they’re love songs, so actually keep making them please,” things are never going to be the same.

and shawn’s okay with it. mostly. somewhat. okay, not really. but he can still pretend. he can tell gus how much he loves him through songs and pretend that gus understands and that he feels the same way. he can imagine gus is saying the lyrics to him too. and, also, shawn doesn’t want to stop seeing gus’s smile when he gives him a tape. because he has yet to figure out how else to see it, and how else to make gus feel that way (a way he can’t really explain but is so unique and perfect to these moments). so, shawn keeps making gus mixtapes.

-

now, since they’re both idiots, of course gus doesn’t actually know what shawn is saying with the tapes. shawn just assumes the worst.

but there’s a part in the back of gus’s mind that thinks maybe. maybe there’s some deeper meaning here, maybe there’s a personal connection to the songs shawn chose - a connection to gus, and to shawn’s feelings. but gus always squishes that thought down.

more months pass, and quickly enough, it almost feels like shawn had never left. and the longer shawn stays, the closer they grow.

and if it weren’t for shawn’s mixtapes, gus would probably keep ignoring every moment that stirs something in the back of his mind, makes him question things he’d shoved deep down for almost twenty years. but, soon enough, he gives in to the nagging at his heart, at his mind, telling him that there’s something different, something more - that it’s not just gus feeling these things, but shawn too.

gus notices that when he flirts with someone, and shawn’s around, shawn’s instinct is to make a snide comment or roll his eyes to himself - and after that split second, he’s overly supportive. gus notices that when shawn flirts with people, nothing really comes of it. he hasn’t been in a serious relationship since he moved back. gus notices how shawn’s been hanging out at gus’s apartment later and later, and how some weeks, he just doesn’t go home. gus notices how shawn steals his clothes, buys him food, cooks them dinner. how he stands just a bit too close to gus when some attractive person talks to him. and how shawn will lean against him when they’re watching movies. gus will catch shawn looking at him when they’re at the office - a far off, distant, and somewhat guilty, longing look in his eyes. how he quickly flashes one of his cheesy grins that doesn’t meet his eyes when gus looks back. sometimes, and gus tries to convince himself he’s making this up, but sometimes he thinks shawn will lean in a bit when they’re talking, that his eyes flick down to his lips, and he moves closer - like a magnet is pulling him closer and closer to gus.

one day, shawn gives gus another mixtape. it’s random, not out of the ordinary for shawn though, just another tape. but when gus listens to it, it seems a lot different than the others. there aren’t any randomly out of place songs that are just fun to listen to. they’re all, like, love songs. every single one. each song is about being in love and not knowing how to tell somebody. about loving someone so much, that it’s all you think about. how this person is your soulmate, and you’ll never stop loving them.

it makes everything click for gus. he listens to all of shawn’s previous tapes - all the way from the beginning, fifteen years ago. and he realizes that shawn’s been trying to tell him something for so long.

he takes another day just to be sure - to finally convince himself that he’s not making it all up. that day, he pays extra attention to shawn, and after careful deliberation and consideration, he decides he’s right.

-

gus spends the next week making his own mixtape. he writes the title and list of songs with perfect penmanship, and each song is specially chosen. the songs are about childhood love, soulmates always tied together, how this person is ‘the one.’ about missed chances and second-guessing. the final song is happy and bright and hopeful. it’s about two people so in love and so connected, that they’re each intrinsic to the other’s soul.

that morning, gus gives shawn the tape. he’s a bit awkward about it, just hands it to shawn while they’re at the office and stutters out, “here, uh, i figured it was time i gave you something back, ya know?”

shawn is speechless, but then he catches himself and brushes it off with an, “oh, thanks buddy!”

he flips the tape over and looks at the songs listed on the back. when he reads them through, and then through again, he’s surprised. it makes sense. it all makes sense.

gus can see his eyebrows raise and then frown while he puts everything together. gus is pretty sure his heart stopped beating for a solid minute.

shawn looks up at him. “dude,” he says. “oh my god.”

“yeah?” gus breathes.

shawn’s face breaks into a blinding grin. “i get it.”

“really?” gus starts to smile back.

“the chef!” shawn exclaims.

gus jolts back. “huh?”

“it’s the chef! he must’ve poisoned the guy’s food!”

gus’s heart sinks. oh.

“come on! we gotta call the chief!” shawn tosses the tape on his desk and grabs the keys.

gus glances at the mixtape half-heartedly discarded on the desk, and follows shawn.

he starts to hate that he titled the tape “me too” with a little heart.

apparently, there wasn’t a deeper meaning to begin with.

-

they’re in the car, driving to the restaurant, and gus’s stomach is twisted in a huge knot, his chest is tight, and he can’t stop thinking about how stupid he was. he’d made it all up. the songs shawn gave him were just that - songs.

he doesn’t think he’ll be able to play it cool if he looks at shawn. so, he stares out the windshield and tries like hell to keep his voice steady. he asks shawn how he figured it out, and as shawn explains the whole case, he mentions how one of the songs on gus’s tape reminded him of the chef and the waitress. 

during shawn’s explanation, it’s clear to gus that shawn knows the meaning of the song. he knows gus gave him a song about being secretly in love. and that solidifies all of gus’s thoughts. shawn knows how he feels about him. he’s choosing to ignore it. gus made a mistake by telling shawn how he feels, and shawn’s being nice enough not to mention it.

gus wants to go home.

-

the rest of the day, gus works like hell to act normal. but every time shawn looks at him, every time he absentmindedly touches gus’s shoulder or waist or hand, every time he makes some comment that only gus can understand, gus swears his heart stops beating. his mind keeps yelling, “he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you.”

it really shouldn’t be this hard. afterall, he’s spent the better part of his life resigning to the fact that shawn does not, and will not, feel the same way. it’s nothing new. but… the sliver of hope he’d gained, convincing himself that these mixtapes meant something, that he had been wrong all of these years… it was like starting all over, only much, much worse.

they finish the case, and gus goes home, and maybe he cries, but that’s it - he’s going to force himself to be perfectly fine tomorrow. he has to get over this.

shawn’s at home too, and he finally listens to the playlist. he’s an idiot. he just thinks they’re neat songs. gus is a sap, always has been, of course this is the kind of music he listens to. (shawn thinks it’s cute). but he doesn’t think gus means anything by the mixtape. shawn smiles to himself as he listens to the end of the tape, and texts gus another thank you.

-

morning comes, they meet at psych. gus got the text last night and is now certain shawn’s been able to listen to the whole tape. and since he’s not mentioning it, it’s just more proof that he doesn’t feel the same way.

that day, shawn notices how gus is a bit off. he’s a bit distant, his smiles are too forced - something’s… different. 

and when he listens to the tape again that night, he starts thinking. it’s kind of the same process gus went through before he made shawn the tape - the lyrics have more meaning, shawn starts to think about all of the little things gus has done before that shawn had brushed off because he didn’t want to get his hopes up. and he starts thinking about gus’s response to what he said when gus gave him the tape - the hope in his eyes that vanished the moment shawn mentioned the case. he looks at the title of the tape and the little heart, and feels the wind knocked out of him because oh my god how could he be so fucking stupid.

it’s pouring rain, so shawn doesn’t bring the tape with him, because he doesn’t want it to get ruined, but he jumps on his bike and speeds over to gus’s apartment.

it’s almost 10:30, and gus is in his pjs, and he’s getting a pillowcase out of the closet. shawn barges in (he’d made a copy of gus’s key months ago), hope and relief flooding through him, and walks down the hall over to gus.

gus is, of course, startled, because what the hell are you doing, i’m supposed to be in bed by now, and shawn, you’re tracking mud and rain all over my freshly mopped floor, please stop walking. but then shawn’s in front of him and he cuts him off in the middle of a sentence and kisses him - hard. he holds gus close to him and cradles his face and savors the warmth of his lips and body.

gus is, of course, in shock (again) (that’s never new with shawn). but after his brain catches up, he kisses shawn back and his hands flutter to shawn’s waist. and shawn is soaking wet and the water is seeping through gus’s pjs and he’s a bit cold, but he doesn’t really care, because shawn is kissing him.

and then shawn breaks away (reluctantly), because he needs to breathe, and he rests his forehead against gus’s and presses soft little kisses all over his face and lips.

“i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry. i didn’t figure it out until just now,” he says against gus’s skin.

it takes a second for gus to figure out what he’s talking about, but when he does, he relaxes against shawn and laughs softly. “it’s okay. i mean, it took me fifteen years, so.”

shawn laughs quietly too and gently punches his shoulder. “yeah, i know.”

as he leans in to kiss him, gus moves away. shawn frowns. “wh-”

gus backs up and reaches for a towel.

“really?” shawn sighs. “that’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

gus clicks his tongue and shoves the towel at him. “these are nice floors shawn.”

“you’re annoying,” shawn says, and he rolls his eyes as gus pushes him to the bathroom.

“yeah, but you love me,” gus smiles at him.

shawn laughs a bit and grins back. “yeah. i do.”

gus’s smile widens, and it’s blinding like sunlight, and he has that same look on his face and in his eyes that shawn has spent the past fifteen years seeking out when giving him the mixtapes.

and he finally figures out, that it’s love.

#:) #dont mind me... in tears #shawn proposes with a mix tape btw :) #they also make one together for their wedding #k bye! #psych #shawn spencer #burton guster #burton gus guster #shus #shawngus #shawn x gus #shawn/gus #my writing #my post

[captainsjack]

@asoulofstars !!!!! i cry about it all the time 😭😭 just.

shawn’s bike is in the shop so they have to get around with just the blueberry - which, normally isn’t that big of a deal. but gus has appointments all day in different places, and shawn’s in the middle of a case and needs to visit witnesses.

so shawn pulls up to dr whatever’s office - he’s supposed to pick gus up for lunch & then they’ll go back to the office. except... shawn’s been waiting in the car for a good 7 mins. where’s gus? then shawn hears a gunshot.

he runs in and sees gus looking shocked - hand over his chest, knees about to buckle. in front of him is dr whatever, gun still drawn. the dr sees shawn and makes a break for it - he jumps out the window, glass flies everywhere. except shawn doesn’t care at all, because gus is falling to his knees, and shawn makes it over to his husband just in time to catch him before he falls completely.

shawn’s freaking out, holding gus, he takes off his jacket and presses it tightly to gus’s chest. (“gus? gus stay with me ok? gus? gus! don’t close your eyes! please stay awake okay? please.” gus’s head is resting on shawn’s shoulder, and he’s breathless as he closes his eyes and whispers quietly, “i love you.” shawn can feel his breathing stop, his heartbeat begins to fade, and shawn made a call to 911 a while ago, and why aren’t they here yet? “gus? gus!”)

lassie and jules are at the station when someone calls in hearing gunshots. they drive to the location. “oh come on!” “what?” “we just got the call and they’re already here?” lassie glances at the blueberry. “unbelievable.” they enter the room. lassiter’s face falls when he sees shawn, kneeling on the ground, holding gus to his chest.

the paramedics arrive, shawn’s in a daze, shirt covered in gus’s blood. “there’s no hearbeat” one of the doctors says to the other. “well get it back!” shawn all but yells at them. he tries to follow them but jules tells them the doctors need room to work. she drives shawn to the hospital - closely following the ambulance. lassiter stays at the scene, but there’s no sign of where the shooter went.

shawn barely waits for the car to stop before he’s out and running over to the stretcher - to gus. he follows behind, answering questions about gus’s medical history, asking questions, making them promise to save him. jules is close behind - already calling henry.

they rush gus up to the or, shawn’s in a daze, trying to follow. “sir you can’t go through this door.” “i need to be with gus.” “are you okay? are you hurt?” “no. it’s not my blood.” jules finds shawn and coaxes him to the waiting room. she makes him go to the bathroom and wash the blood from his hands and face.

henry gets there, jules told him to bring an extra shirt (the least she could do for him was make sure he didn’t have to sit around covered in his husbands blood). “what the hell happened?” juliet’s scared, she doesn’t know if gus will make it, everything seems to be in slow motion. “gus.. we got a call. about gunshots. we didn’t know it was gus until we got there.” “where is he?” “or. they don’t know how long it’ll take.” “where’s shawn?” “bathroom.”

henry enters the bathroom. it takes a couple of times, a couple calls of shawn’s name, and it’s not until henry puts a hand on his shoulder that shawn registers anyone is there. the sink is stained red. a few marks of blood are still on shawn’s face. henry can tell he’s tried to scrub it all off - but there’s red around his fingernails, some on his jawline. his flannel is crumbled on the counter - a grey fabric now turned red. shawn looks up. his eyes, they’re red too - but not from blood. henry holds him for a second - but shawn’s just numb. nothings registering, he can’t feel anything. he changes his shirt, and they go back to the waiting room.

the clock keeps ticking - it’s an awful sound really. each faint click, tick, strike grows louder. shawn doesn’t know how long they sit there. it could be minutes, hours, days - it feels like a lifetime. all he can do is stare at his hands. hands that held gus as he bled out, cradled his face, pressed his jacket to his wound, begging it to stop, cease, spare his life. hands that used to touch gus in more ways than just to fight against an injury. to hold his hands, face, to brush against his shoulder, waist. there’s a ring of crimson around his wedding band. shawn can’t stop staring at it.

“we should call his parents,” henry says quietly.

“not until i know what to tell them.” shawn puts his head in his hands. he can still feel the warmth of gus’s blood seeping through his shirt, down his chest. not until i know if he’s gonna make it.

hours later, the doctors come out. “mr. spencer?” shawn looks up. “your husband is okay. he made it.” shawn doesn’t hear anything after that. the doctors say more to him, but henrys the one who responds, who registers the words. all shawn can think about is what if.

the doctors show them to gus’s room. shawn vaguely hears something about not knowing when he’ll wake up. we lost him twice in the or. not to mention he was down for a while before we got to him. it may be a while before he wakes up. if he does. shawn doesn’t hear it - can’t hear it. gus is there, breathing before him, and that’s all shawn can focus on. henry goes to the hallway to call gus’s family, to update juliet who had gone back to lassiter. it’s just shawn, and it’s just gus - together, alone, how it should be. like normal. something shawn had almost lost. and he knows there’s still a chance he might.

shawn stays by gus’s side until the end of the day when he’s (gently) kicked out. he thinks it’s stupid visiting hours have limits. it’s probably the dumbest rule he can think of - and he knows of a lot. when he’s not with gus, he’s doing everything he can to find the son of a bitch who shot his husband. he breaks a window, shoves priceless items off the stupid doctor’s desk, puts himself in danger one too many times. when he finally finds the guy, he’s calm and steady as he raises the gun. “you’re coming with me.” the guy reaches for his own gun. “drop it.” shawn’s voice is ice cold. he doesn’t break his stare. “that’s my gun.” the man says surprised. “then you know it works.” his finger dances over the trigger. “shawn?” juliet’s voice rings behind him. “shawn, we’ve got this. put the gun down.” her voice snaps shawn out of his trance. he slowly lowers the gun, not breaking eye contact with the man. juliet carefully takes the gun from his hands, and shawn watches as lassiter puts the doctor in cuffs. “have fun,” shawn says coldly. “rotting in prison for the rest of your life.” lassiter leads the man out of the room.

shawn’s quiet as juliet drives him back to the hospital. he thought he would feel better once they caught the guy. he doesn’t. he can’t - nothing will feel better until he hears gus’s voice again. “i wasn’t going to do it.” he says quietly. juliet looks over at him, sympathy & pity on her face. “i know.” shawn doesn’t say anything for the rest of the ride.

shawn takes his place by gus’s side again. it’s been two days. two, whole, gus-less days. shawn doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. especially now that he doesn’t have the case to distract himself with. all he can do is look at gus, think about gus, pray to any god that may exist for him to wake up. a part of him, deep in the back of his mind, understands what’s happening. but another part, the one that’s winning in the tug of war, doesn’t get it. gus is right here, breathing, with a heartbeat - that must mean he’s alive. regardless of whatever the doctors are saying about his brain. so shawn counts gus’s breaths, focuses on the steady rhythm of his heartbeats on the monitor, and convinces himself that gus is just sleeping.

it takes a whole other day. a whole 24 hours of shawn not sleeping, barely eating, refusing to leave gus’s side. but on wednesday, shawn’s watching phineas & ferb on the not-quite-broken tv in gus’s hospital room, his hand resting on gus’s, two cups of coffee forgotten on the table, when he feels gus squeeze his hand. shawn looks over at gus, and just as he’s convinced himself he’d made it up - that gus hadn’t moved - gus opens his eyes a little and smiles softly at shawn. “is this the episode with the giant jukebox?” gus’s voice is quiet - hoarse - but it’s there and it’s gus. shawn let’s out a shaky laugh. “yeah i think so.” he smiles at gus, and he can feel the tears fall as gus squeezes his hand again. “i like this one.” gus brings his other hand to rub at his eyes. shawn laughs quietly again. “i know.”

as shawn shifts his chair closer to gus, as he presses a soft kiss to his cheek, rests his head in the crook of gus’s neck and shoulder, everything in him that had built up over the past couple of days, finally releases. gus is here, and he’s safe. they’re going to be okay.

“you can’t scare me like that again,” shawn chokes out, and he buries his face further into gus.

gus leans his head against the top of shawn’s. “i won’t.”

“promise?”

gus squeezes shawn’s hand again. “i promise.”

#I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THIS #YOU GOT ME THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #rip i remeber nothing about santabarbaratown other than like 2 gifs i’ve seen in the past 5 years lol #literally just the gun one and shawn breaking into the house and throwing things lol #anyways!!!!!!! bye i’m crying!!!!!!! #psych #shawn spencer #burton gus guster #burton guster #shus #shawngus #shawn x gus #shawn/gus #my writing #replies