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#at least I'm going to therapy tomorrow
bonkalore · 5 months
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Took a depression nap too late in the evening and just hoping I can fall back asleep at some point so I don't ruin my sleep schedule even more, esp bc I have an appointment tomorrow.
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millenniummmbop · 2 years
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rivalshipping is about healing to me but like in a “well-meaning yet still ill-advised codependency” way
#*pulls down projection screen and extends my collapsible pointer stick thing*#Yugi was a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who went too far w the whole revenge fantasy thing#until The Power Of Friendship TM mellowed him out and he finally landed in a more emotionally stable state#*clicks to next slide*#meanwhile kaiba over here is ALSO a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who ALSO went too far w his own fucked up revenge fantasy#*quickly shuffles through slides of Death-T*#but two mind-shattering comas later and yugi at the very least was willing to bury the hatchet and try to start over again#the whole 'kaiba vs peg sus' fiasco was where everyone finds out kaiba's motives up to that point and where it all finally clicks for yugi#*clicks to next slide to reveal the 'he just like me fr' meme but it's yugi crying on the balcony inside peggy's castle*#it's after this that yugi starts thinking 'Well friendship fixed ME so maybe it can fix HIM too'#*clicks next slide and hits play on the embedded video*#Yugi: good morning kaiba-kun! nice weather we're having today huh?#Kaiba: I'm going to beat u in the face and in the ass#Yugi: haha alright bud I'll see u at regionals tomorrow#Yugi said so himself that he wanted 'friends he could count on and who could count on him' (paraphrasing)#i think he saw this mess of a human being recklessly barreling towards the edge at 100 miles an hour and said#'yeah this looks like something i can personally fix'#bc he's the type of person to just selflessly shoulder a mountain of burdens if it means helping someone he cares about#like his heart is definitely in the right place but i don't think he realizes that kaiba also needs like#therapy and mood stabilizers or some shit#*a voice rings out from the back of the class*#'op they had like 10 minutes of conversation MAX over the entirety of duelist kingdom this is literally all in ur head*#no no the groundwork is there for all of this i PROMISE#lion king rafiki voice: look harder#like yes i'm delusional but i'm also RIGHT#(⓿_⓿)#ignore me
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da-proti-toku-grem · 12 days
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feeling like a total asshole today 👍
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying#and i felt absolutely nothing#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back#not right now#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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lovelaceisntdead · 10 months
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Now I'm feeling deeply unwell about our wives under the sea again. thanks a lot rose.
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jorvikzelda · 6 months
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this spring when I got hit with two really horrendous colds like a month apart I was like okay I've learned my lesson now I will always keep a cold survival kit at home. and then I did not in fact learn my lesson
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Going absolutely fucking mad thinking about Murphy n Travis, there's like 10 of us.
They're my fav characters n my favorites games that I feel like no one talks about 😭
Im completely normal about the 2 of them and you can most definitely trust me on this (I swear-)
Like idgaf, they may look like they're already in their 50s despite prop being in their 30s I'm deeply in love. They're simple yet complex characters that I want to watch and do mad scientist research on
Hold them gently n hold their hands
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beast-feast · 2 years
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What if I deactivated
#feeling sick because it feels like I did something wrong again and I don't know what it is so I'm grasping at straws#don't know if talking or leaving people alone is the better option here I wanna leave this house I don't feel safe#I don't feel safe saying anything here or anywhere else I don't feel safe in my HOUSE#have to worry about people looking through my windows and having shots fired into my room and someone breaking in because I have two doors#I want out i want to sleep I wish I could say something or disappear and reappear where nobody knows me#be pronounced dead but someone who looks like me shows up in Chattanooga. I want to be nobody I want to be a stranger PLEASE#I don't ever fucking know if leaving people be or not is the right choice BECAUSE I DON'T HELP I NEVER FUCKING.#I never help I am never useful or good enough for people don't you fucking understand why I want to do what I'm doing#trying to hurt myself and poison myself so FINALLY people don't have to deal with me because I'll be too sick to speak#being forced to do things and feeling like I HAVE to exist when all I feel is fear and have delusions and hallucinations#and fucking psychotic symptoms. I can't even go back to the ward because they didn't DO anything#I can never say JACK FUCKING SHIT. EVER.#if I say nothing then suddenly one day you hear about the time I relapsed or when I purposefully eat expired things to get myself sick#but if I DO say something then suddenly it feels like everyone feels obligated to say something and it makes me feel horrible and terrible#and like a bad person I can't I can't I can't I can't#...I guess at least. I have therapy tomorrow. I'm sorry if I'm hospitalized again. I'm so sorry.#not art#vent#tw selfharm#// selfharm#tw ???
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purplejan · 1 year
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i really think i may have to start going to therapy again
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baekura · 1 year
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Is it appropriate to subject an email to my therapist with "Staind voice: It's been a while🎶"
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icryyoumercy · 5 months
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fuck. going from 70 mg of lysdexamphetamine to 18 mg of methylphenidate is. unpleasant, to say the least
can the world please just. slow down for a second. just a second. so i can catch my breath
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nerevarbignaturals · 11 months
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i love being at the point where things are so fucking shitty that i'm genuinely considering quitting my job and moving across the state
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blossom-hwa · 11 months
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#lina talks#nas#tw negativity#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#pov I think I may be struggling with mental health again and it doesn't make sense bc it's summer break#but it's not stress it's other stuff#and yes I've set up an appt with one of my uni psych counselors but there's only so much they can do#and I'm suspecting I may have something diagnosable but I'm scared that I do.... mostly bc I'm on my parents insurance#and while they're more with the times than most other parents of my ethnicity that I know#idk how well they'd react if I told them I had something and needed actual therapy and/or medication#idk. idk idk#trying to avoid triggers but they seem to be everywhere and while everything eventually fades it doesn't fully#and I leave home to go back to the city for my internship tomorrow#really do not want to go... not bc I don't want the internship (I do) it's just#whenever I go back I get hit with waves of stress just due to the nature of what I'm working in either bc of academics or ecs or both#and if I have a mental breakdown hundreds of miles from home I can't exactly go home to deal with it#reality is I'm scared bc idk what's going to happen and at least when I'm at home I know I'm not alone#but when I'm up there even though I have friends I'm horrific with being vulnerable#and as such there aren't a lot of ppl I will talk to about major stuff#idk I'm making myself sick thinking about it my stomach hates me#oh and there's that too like - my anxiety now manifests in more physical symptoms and it's disgusting#mostly stomach problems. I fucking hate it#I'll probably delete this later I just needed to say things somewhere
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bladeofthestars · 2 years
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Toji the softie
What if Toji actually wasn’t so brutal in bed? What if he was tired of being a big meanie all day and just wanted some softness in his life? And you were the softest person he knew.
“Tojiiiiii! Get off I gotta pee!” You whined, as you tried to push the giant teddy bear off your lap. “Fiiine,” he groaned sitting up slowly, “but I’m cuddling you as soon as you get back!!” You giggled as you got up to go to the restroom. As you walked down the hall you could feel him pouting behind you. “I’ll be quick I promise!” you called as you pulled your pants down. You felt yourself in a good mood, soothed by the cuddle therapy session. You finished up washing your hands just as Toji started grumbling again.
He pulled back the blanket as you tucked yourself back into your little love pouch on the couch. He smiles as you wiggle into place beneath him on the couch. “I’d go crazy without you, you know that?” Toji says as he wraps himself around you and lays his head on your chest. You meet his gaze, and believe every word despite the lack of vulnerability in his eyes. “Well it’s a good thing I’ll always be here.” You say pulling him closer to you and stroking his scar softly with your fingers.
You had been doing this for three weeks now. He wouldn't come over every day, but at least half the week he was there. Cuddling up on the couch with Toji had quickly become a favorite activity for you. You had been hanging out and fell asleep during a shitty movie. Toji was so tired himself, he didn’t mind and decided to join your nap. Ever since he’d text you a couch emoji and you’d hear a knock at the door a couple minutes later. You worked from home so you didn’t mind your downstairs neighbor popping by. Sometimes you would just work and eat snacks while he laid in your lap. He loved head scratches and neck rubs. This of course made your cat jealous, until he too discovered how great Toji was to cuddle with. It was so cute seeing the big scary man cuddled up with a little kitty purring on his chest or lap.
You enjoyed your time together, and it never felt rushed. There was never any pressure to be more than what you were. Just two beings showing each other kindness. “You’re so little and warm.” Toji cooed squishing you harder. “And you’re so big and heavy” you cooed back, squeezing him tighter. Toji reaches for some grapes, and pops one in his mouth. You were watching some comedy, and they were out for a night on the town. As he chews you can feel his muscular jaw moving against your chest. He pops another grape in his mouth and leans up with it between his lips. You look at him and see the first flames of excitement burning in his eyes, as he leans closer touching the grape to your lips.
You touch your lips to his around the grape and he kisses you around it holding it place with his tongue, as his lips rub against yours. He's caught you so off guard you don't even think to reject him, lips softly molding to fit his, as they dance around the sweet grape. While you kiss him back, he pushes the grape further into your mouth, as if paying you for your affection. Once it's all the way in he lays back onto your chest, and you try and calm your heart, because it must be punching him in the head right now.
Voices carried from the TV and Toji laughed with them, but you had no clue what was even on. Toji popped another grape in his mouth and winked at you. He continued to eat, and cuddle you while your mind tried to catch up to what was going on. By the time the movie was finished the grapes were too. Toji squeezed you tight again. "Well I'll be back to bother you tomorrow, I've gotta go work out." He said as he sat up and stretched. "Of course, I'm going to the store in the morning, but afterwards I'll be here." You said as you walked him to the door. Once he left you felt so conflicted. What was that kiss about? Did he really like you? Maybe he just wanted a hook-up? Toji was too tempting for you to ever survive just a "hook- up" with him. UGHH it was only a kiss maybe he didn't even mean it? Maybe he'd never even do it again? Maybe you weren't what he thought you would be?
The next day while grocery shopping you get a text:
Hey you still out at the market?
Yeah what's up?
Grab some more of those grapes :)
Will you eat them all again?
You can have some......... if I can feed them to you.
Suddenly you realized grapes were your new favorite fruit.
*I wanted to write something cute for Toji where he isn't abusing/ assaulting someone, because he fine af and deserves love. Also I think I wanna write things that make people horny, but I don't wanna straight up write porn*
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yuna542 · 9 months
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Connected (OT8 x reader)
Part 22<-
Part 23
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Pairing: Chan x Reader
Genre: Smut, Fluff, Angst, COMFORT
Warnings: 18+, Smut, under 18 DNI!, pet names, Suggestive Themes, Swearing, Overstimulation, Jealousy, ANGST, explicit smut, confessions, fluff
Word Count: 8.1k
Note: Mh. This Part was pure therapy for me… I really hope I could make up for the last Parts and the emotional trauma I put you through. It’s unbelievable how many people are invested in my work. Thank you so much! Every comment, reblog etc motivates me to keep going.
On your first day of your new job as the personal manager of Stray Kids, you didn't expect to be standing in front of the man you made out with last night in a club. But it soon becomes clear that the Stray Kids don't just want you as their manager.
Will this passionate arrangement end your career?
You laid in your bed with your cell phone firmly in your hand, but you avoided looking at the screen as if something might jump out of it and attack you.
Your gaze had been fixed on the ceiling for some time, and you tried to think of something other than Chan and the argument. The aching in your head was by now unbearable and you wanted to stop so bad, that you thought about getting something out of the minibar. You would violate your strict no-alcohol rule on tour. But what else had any meaning at all?
After you returned from the beach, Felix had gone straight back to his room to call his family and talk about the concert they would attend tomorrow and Han had disappeared into the hotel gym with Changbin.
When you returned to your hotel room to check your notifications, you noticed the message from Chan.
It was from last night, when you were already fast asleep.
"I'm with my family. I'll see you at the show. Get some rest and watch the boys for me. ~Chan
You instantly felt shabby. He had let you know despite your argument and you had just read over it and then blamed him because you were just caught up with your anger at him.
Just his name on your screen caused such an extreme feeling of emptiness inside you that you felt sick and you missed him with your entire soul, even though you had seen him just a few hours ago. The argument and that you couldn't just go to him, talk to him only made it worse.
As soon as you saw he was online, you almost threw your phone across the room. When he called just a second after, your body was paralyzed.
You didn't manage to answer, afraid of what he might say to you.
As soon as his name disappeared from your phone again and a missed call was displayed, you kicked the blanket off yourself like a petulant child and cried out of anger.
Anger at yourself. Anger against the world.
You hadn't picked up the phone since, and the carousel of worry ran incessantly in your head.
You were absolutely dreading the show tomorrow and the only thing you wanted right now was to look Chan in the eye, feel his heartbeat and breathe in his scent.
Looking out the window, you realized that dusk would soon be setting in and the hotel room suddenly felt awfully cramped. When your head was about to burst, you dared to look at your cell phone again, but there was no message from Chan. At least not for you.
On Bubble, on the other hand, he had written a message just a few seconds after the call.
"Today Channies Room from a special place. Anyone who needs distraction too is welcome. 6pm?"
Distraction? Did that have something to do with you or were you now completely delusional?
Glancing at the clock, you scooted over to your laptop and flipped it open. The stream had been running for a few minutes and you just wanted to watch it.
After a few clicks, his face actually appeared and your heart leapt when you saw his curly hair and tired smile. He was talking to Stay and just explained that he was in his old bedroom at home now that you were finally in Australia.
He looked stunning in just a hoodie, with those mesmerizing eyes and bare face. It was unfair how someone this kind and humble could be that beautiful.
Mutely you listened to his voice and caught yourself smiling as he sheepishly responded to cute comments or joked around with fans. You loved to listen to his little stories, telling everyone about the many medals behind him, he won at swimming competitions, about his family and how his mom cried when he surprised her today.
Still, there remained a dull underlying mood that he couldn't hide. Quickly, there were also a lot of questions all over the comments asking if everything was okay with him.
He cleared his throat and propped his head on his hands before reading aloud:
"Is everything okay?"
He thought for a few seconds about the best thing to say, but his familiar surroundings and distance from JYP made him let his walls down a bit.
"To be honest, it could be better. Actually, I shouldn't be telling this at all.... I had a fight with someone I care about a lot and because I'm too stubborn to realise it in time, I really screwed up.... I did something stupid and made it worse by being emotional and even more stupid."
Immediately there was wild speculation about who he might be talking about. The names of the boys were written in the comments, but especially your name appeared more and more often.
"No, no. Not with the menbers."
That was the answer to the question. It was obvious that he meant you, because no one else was on tour with him that was so important to him. The fans knew that, and by now everyone who read the Kpop News headlines knew that.
You sat up on the bed and stared spellbound at the screen.
Chan tilted his head a little, laughed sheepishly as he always did when he wanted to disguise his true feelings, and ran his hand through his hair.
"It's just that I really regret it, but I think it might already be too late to make up for everything.... And that would be terrible."
He made a small pause and you could hear your heart dropping to the floor.
„She's so special and I would love to tell her how important she is to me. How much I love everything about her and that she deserves so much more... I did her really wrong."
He was silent for a moment obviously drifting off and then quickly shook his head as he saw the comments escalate.
His words were already conjuring up tears again, even though you thought you had none left.
A desperate whiney: „Channie", escaped your trembling lips.
Suddenly, your field of vision became blurry and you sniffled emphatically as you frantically wanted to touch him, but your fingers only met the hard surface of your screen.
"I don't know... I just don't want to lose her. She's not only smart, beautiful and talented in everything she does. She's my best friend and I can't lose that. I don't know how I would move on. I just couldn't..."
That was enough to make you jump up from the bed and search your phone for old documents. You ran the back of your hand over your face while crying like a little kid and finally you found what you were looking for.
You grabbed your denim jacket, your bag, and closed your laptop before storming out of the hotel room and stopping a cab in front of the hotel.
At your tear-stained face, the driver frowned, but took the address without asking.
With the inside camera of your cell phone you tried to get your face back under control, but even when you got out of the car half an hour later, your eyes were still red.
Wearing only shorts and a much too large rumpled shirt from Changbin, you rang the front doorbell and with a glance at the doorbell sign, you automatically smiled.
An older woman with familiar brown eyes opened and peered suspiciously through the crack first.
"Hello?"
"Good evening. I'm really sorry for the intrusion, Mrs Bang. My name is..." but that's as far as you got, as she pulled open the door and her face lit up. You bowed apologetically several times, but she was already stepping out to you. The resemblance to Chan was now unmistakable and his radiance was reflected in her smile.
"I know who you are! Y/N! Chan has talked a lot about you. I recognize you from the picture he showed. You're just more beautiful in real life," she talked away and you smiled overwhelmed.
Chan had shown his family pictures of you and even talked about you?
"Come in quick! It's nice to finally meet you," she said and shooed you into the house.
Immediately you were enveloped by pleasant smells from the kitchen and you curiously looked around the hallway of the house.
Directly you discovered Chan's shoes and his backpack on the floor.
"Thank you very much. The pleasure is all mine."
After you kicked off your shoes, she led you into the living room where Mr. Bang was sitting on an armchair and looked up as soon as you entered. The little white-brown dog that Chan kept showing you pictures of immediately scurried around your feet and sniffed at you curiously.
"This is Y/L/N Y/N!", Mrs Bang introduced you and Mr Bang raised his eyebrows. Your mere name was enough and they knew who you were. That was strange but kind of nice. You couldn't help but kneel down to the cute puppy and pet him until she wagged her tail excitedly. "Hey Berry. Nice to finally meet you," you said, giggling when she licked your cheek.
"Chris didn't say anything about his manager coming to visit," Chan‘s Dad said, and you stood up and bowed respectfully, your cheeks flushed. Chan's father exuded the same competence that he did, only he didn't radiate that warmth that everybody immediately sensed when they were around Chan. But it was obvious that he had been just as handsome as a young man.
"That's right. He doesn't know I'm here, but I really need to talk to him. This couldn't wait. I'm really sorry if I'm interrupting, Mr Bang," you apologized, but his wife waved you off and stroked your back reassuringly.
„Oh nonsense! You're just in time. We'll be eating soon. I hope you're hungry."
Then you were not mistaken and the delicious smell came from the kitchen where Mrs. Bang was cooking.
"Thank you, that's very kind," you said, feeling a gaze on you.
Turning around, you saw a young woman with dark hair, big eyes and the unmistakable features of Chan. She was leaning against the doorjamb with her arms crossed, looking at you with a mysterious smile.
"Hannah say hello, this is Chris's manager," Mrs Bang said when she saw the young woman as well. She pushed herself off the door frame and came toward you.
"I know who she is. You really are as pretty as in the videos..." she murmured, holding out her hand to you. She was your age and you wanted to meet her since Chan told you a lot about her. Actually you seemed to be very alike and it was almost like you already knew each other.
With cheeks flushed with excitement, you took her hand and smiled.
"I'm Hannah. The idiot's sister."
You nodded, and the same warmth that Chan radiated was palpable in her. But she was confident and firm, even though she was a little younger than you.
"Can I go see him? I really need to talk to him," you asked, and she leaned against the doorframe again. Her intense gaze seemed to scan you until she said:
"He's in his room. Talking to his fans."
"Thanks."
You could hardly stand it any longer. All the tension made you tremble, and you went up the stairs to where Hannah had pointed.
Outside the door you heard his voice already muffled and without thinking further you rushed into the room and as you saw Chan in front of his computer, eyes wide and a confused look on his face a sob ripped from your throat. He jumped up and ran a few steps towards you, but you had already thrown yourself at him and wrapped your arms around him. Confused, he froze and after a few seconds he returned your embrace firmly. You buried your face in the crook of his neck, your body shaken with relieved sobs as you tried to be as close to him as possible.
Completely surprised, he sucked in your scent, enjoying feeling your body against his at last, holding your slim waist and wrapping his big arms around you, even if he didn't understand how you could suddenly appear at his family's house.
"Y/N what? How...?" he stammered, overwhelmed, but you only pressed yourself tighter against his chest until you were standing on tiptoe.
"I'm so sorry... so sorry," you whispered and his strong arms held you so tightly that all your fear and sadness vanished into thin air. You were with him and that was enough.
When his arms slid down your back and you loosened a little to look him in the eyes, he gulped loudly. Your eyes were bloodshot from all the crying, your lips swollen and your heart racing so he could feel it against his chest.
You were beautiful and he cupped your face with both hands, wanting to kiss every tear of yours away and never let you go again.
But then he remembered the stream again. Panicked, he looked at the screen. The chat was going crazy and the comments were popping up so fast that you couldn't read anything.
You could only be seen from the chest down and you were barely in the picture, yet it was clear who was lying there in his arms, who he was holding so tightly and he gently detached himself from you to lean in front of the camera and said:
"Okay I have to end the stream now unfortunately. I'll see you next time. Stays and Baby Stays! Big hug!"
He did his typical goodbye and as soon as he turned off the computer, he turned back to you, still unable to comprehend that you were now actually standing in his old room where he spent half his childhood.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in a soft voice, coming up to you.
"I was watching the stream. Heard what you said about me. Chan I'm so sorry."
When your voice shook and he saw how tense your fingers were closed around the hem of your shirt, he quickly pulled you close, put his hands on your hips and leaned his forehead against yours.
"No... I acted like an asshole. I'm sorry, baby. It was my fault from the beginning. I should have told you about the kiss, then I would have told you straight up that it didn't mean anything because I only want to kiss you! I want you and nothing else! I am selfish and stupid. I want you to be jealous like I am when I see you with someone other than my members. I want you to want me as much as I want you..."
The words he should have said to you in the hotel, or even earlier, finally burst forth and your breath rattled as you clasped your hands in his neck.
He looked into your eyes, stroked your cheek and the contours of your face that he had missed so much, and now as you smiled with relief his heart fluttered like a wild bird in his chest.
"I do. Chan I can't go on without you. The last few hours have been hell. Why did you do that? Why did you just leave?"
The guilty conscience he had felt all along returned violently and he pulled you onto his lap as he sat down on the edge of his bed, caressing your thighs and enjoying the way your body nestled perfectly against his.
"I thought it would be best to stay away. You didn't seem like you wanted me around."
"Now I'm here..."
He laughed incredulously and ran his hands through his hair. He looked outrageously handsome in the hoodie and sweatpants, which made you bite your lips as he leaned back a bit to get a closer look at you.
"This is incredible. You're here... You're actually here! How do you even know where my family lives?"
You smiled and played with the rings on his fingers. Holding his hand tightly in yours, you intertwined his hand with yours.
"You told me a few times to send flowers to your mother."
Chan nodded slowly and smiled so brightly that you exhaled heavily.
"True... Sometimes I forget that you're my manager."
You let go of his hand, leaning forward and nuzzling his neck before lightly touching his with your lips.
"Me too..."
You both grinned, each other's breath colliding against your lips, and that's when you finally kissed him. It was like a thousand butterflies were buzzing around in your stomach and the reason for your tears was barely tangible anymore.
He pulled you back with him until he was on his back, stroking his hands under the gray shirt and caressing your skin all over, with his fingertips, while biting your bottom lip. Sighing, you nestled your body against him until your chest was pressed tightly against his, opened your lips a little and already your tongues were meeting, playing with each other, and you were lost in a whirlpool of feelings.
His warmth, the tangy smell of his perfume mixed with his own smell let everything bubble up in you.
You absorbed everything in you. His body beneath you, his strong arms wrapped tightly around you, every movement and every breath.
Pure happiness flooded you and Chan's presence enclosed you in your own world. No one could take this moment from you and as you continued to deepen the kiss, touching each other, caressing, the heat inevitably rose.
The touches became fiercer, more demanding and you felt how much he had missed you.
You didn't know how long you just laid there, kissing and touching. Your bodies intertwined as Chan let out a deep grumble and firmly grabbed your ass with both hands.
Softly you gasped out as he pressed your hips against his in such a way that you could clearly feel his hard length against your cunt through the fabric of his sweatpants.
"I missed you so fucking much," he whispered, his eyes like jet black tar, glued to you and never going to let you go.
His hair was curly, messy, his skin soft and shiny.
You loved it when he dreamily studied your features, as if nothing else mattered.
"I'm here, and I'm not leaving," you assured him, playing with the collar of his hoodie. He was wearing way too many clothes.
You longed for the warmth of his skin on yours.
"Good... You are mine. You belong to me and my members. I want you to know that I only have eyes for you. Not for that stylist or anyone else."
You smiled softly, waving it off:
"It's all good, Chan. I believe you."
You didn't want him to worry anymore. The arrangement was dangerous enough as it was. He couldn't and shouldn't commit himself or even tell a potential admirer that he was taken.
But Chan's expression turned serious. All the things you had said in the argument played over and over in his head for the last few hours like a horror movie.
Suddenly he grabbed you by the waist, turned you until you were under him and looked you so deeply in the eyes that you swallowed loudly.
"You're not just a fuck toy to me. You are so much more! You are the sun... fuck it, the whole universe to me."
He sounded desperate, like he couldn't even begin to put into words what he was feeling. His fingers moved gently across your shoulders, up your neck until they reached your cheeks. You closed your eyes and leaned into his hand, losing yourself in the moment. At a loss for words, the intensity in his eyes threatening to crush you, you smiled and murmured:
"Sounds like song lyrics."
Chan snorted in amusement and kissed your temple:
"You're right. I should write that down."
At that, you shook your head slightly, wrapping your legs around his hips and pulling him to you.
"Not now..."
He immediately returned the kiss stormily. You grew hungrier, all the tension transferred into pure energy and lust that carried you away on a cloud.
You slid your hands under his hoodie and he helped you take it off. Finally you could touch his abs, roaming your fingertips over them until he gasped and he too slid his hands inside your shorts, tight to your ass until they slid up and he could grab a handful, with the other hand he pushed the shirt up until he grabbed your chest and you groped each other greedily, floating higher and higher into desire and as you rolled your hips against his you felt how aroused he was.
"Fuck I'm so hard.... Thought about you so much," he panted against your ear, kissing your neck and kneading your chest until a loud gasp escaped you. Your body and his were so close that they melted into each other.
"Thought about your soft skin..." he whispered and sucked on your neck, pressing his dick right against your cunt.
"Your sweet scent... Fuck and your pussy. I need to fuck you so bad," he panted, grinded his hips against yours until you clenched your hands against his back.
"Channie..." you gasped, your head filled only with desire.
"Sorry to bother you, but dinner's ready if you're hungry."
Startled, you both froze and looked to the door, where Hannah stood with her arms crossed and a big grin on her face.
Chan was trying to cover you up as best he could, but you couldn't come up with a meaningful lie as to why he was lying on top of you half-naked, his hands everywhere he weren't supposed to touch his manager.
"Hannah out! Now!" he yelled at her, but she just giggled and examined you.
"It's okay. Relax. You are lucky it's just me. You guys better come. Otherwise mom will come upstairs."
With those words, she disappeared and you pressed both heels of your hands to your eyes, your head flushed.
Chan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry about that," he muttered, and when your eyes finally met, you couldn't help but laugh heartily.
Chuckling, he buried his face against your neck and wrapped his arms tightly around you.
"Come on, we better not keep my parents waiting," he murmured, pressing a kiss to your stomach, then he looked up at you, eyes shining, and you felt weightless as you nodded.
As soon as you entered the kitchen, your stomach growled at the smell of the feast Mrs. Bang had prepared.
"There you are. Sit down and help yourselves before it gets cold!" she said, and you tried your best to ignore Hannah's intense gaze. You sat down, you across from Chan, next to Mr Bang and Hannah.
Once you were all seated, you tilted your head:
"Thank you for the food and the spontaneous hospitality."
Mr Bang started to eat and waved off:
"Don't mention it. We know how much you do for our Chris."
Chan smirked:
"I don't think so"
Directly your cheeks reddened treacherously as Chan was already grinning into his Miso soup.
"That's true. Chan always tells us about you. How hard you work and take care of the boys."
Your heart beat faster and Chan just stared at you with a big grin.
"That's my job and the boys are like my family now," you told them and the Bangs listened intently.
Then Hannah tilted her head:
"But you and Chris get along particularly well?"
You almost choked on the kimchi you had shoved in your mouth and Chan gave Hannah a warning look. But his parents also looked interested.
"Um... I get along with everyone really well. We live together, after all."
"How can you stand it? With eight young men?" sighed Mrs. Bang, shaking her head anxiously. You smirked a little then.
"It's exhausting sometimes, but they all always look out for me. And we work so much that it's actually rather nice when we see each other in the dorm."
Chan looked relieved and his shoulders slumped. His eyes kept wandering over your face, your body, and he wanted so much to tell his family how much he adored you. That you weren't just a valued friend and manager, but the person who gave him everything he needed.
"I hope so," Mr. Bang gave Chan a sharp look.
"Where are you sleeping tonight?" asked then Hannah curiously, and Chan kicked her shin under the table, making her hiss.
"She can sleep in my bed, I'll take the couch in my room."
Chan's parents seemed pleased with that, only Hannah raised her eyebrows in disbelief.
"Really? I thought you guys..."
But she fell silent as Chan stared at her warningly. Your cheeks were glowing by now, and you tried to distract yourself with the omelet, which tasted impossibly good.
The silence grew more oppressive, as did the frowns of the siblings' parents, so you unceremoniously cleared your throat, drawing attention to yourself.
"We'll have to leave bright and early tomorrow. Rehearsals for the performance start at 9."
Quickly, the questioning looks turned to vehement nods.
"Oh yes!"
Mrs. Bang's face beamed.
"We're already so excited to be able to see Chris live tomorrow."
Chan smiled and you could see nervousness flash in his eyes for the first time in a long time.
"So how does it work tomorrow?" asked Mr. Bang with interest, to which you replied:
"You will be picked up by a shuttle and then taken backstage with Felix's family before the show. For the show, I've picked out the best seats for all the family members."
Excitedly, Mrs Bang laughed and Hannah smiled too. Mr Bang nodded and you looked at Chan who was looking at you with affection.
The meal took its course, there was chatter and Chan's family treated you warmly, making you feel right at home.
But you didn't miss Chan nervously wiggling his foot, clearing his throat several times when his mother didn't stop asking you questions about JYPE or about Chan and the boys.
He was impatient, couldn't bear to just look at you now after pining for you for the past few days.
He wanted to kiss your lips, touch your skin until you gasped and finally escape the scrutiny of his family.
Finally, as Mrs. Bang was about to start a new question, just as the conversation about choosing the right outfits was finishing, he slapped both palms on the table and stood up:
"That was very tasty, Mom. Thank you. But we really should get to sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."
You looked down into your lap to hide the telltale grin.
After helping clean up, you said your goodbyes for the night, but before you were really out of the room, Chan grabbed you and threw you over his shoulder.
Gasping, you clawed at his back as he pressed his hands tightly against your lower legs.
"Channie! What are you doing?" you giggled as he carried you up the stairs.
"I can't stand it another second. I need you, now, under me, naked."
He opened the door and pushed it shut with his foot, then tossed you onto his bed, literally ripping the shirt off his body.
You smiled excitedly and eyed his toned stomach.
"I have some things to make up for. I acted like an idiot and I need to show you that I'm sorry."
You slowly fell onto your back as he climbed over you and the grinned meanly.
"You got that right."
He snorted and bit your neck, making you giggle.
You greedily ran your hands up his abs, over his shoulders, and his biceps hovering next to your head.
He just looked at you, his face just a hand's width away from yours, his eyes shining like a whole galaxy and his curls tempting you to touch them. You dreamily stroked your index finger down his cheeks, over his lips and to his chin. You had missed this so much and now you knew that you could never live without him again. Your heart wanted him and in the last few days you would rather die than fight with him.
"You mean the whole fucking world to me, you know that?"
His voice was raspy, honest, and your cheeks turned red.
"Stop it, Channie... You're making me blush."
You tried to hide your face in your hands, but he unceremoniously pushed them aside.
"No. I want you to know that. I never want you to doubt that I want you again! I trust you with parts of myself I'm afraid to show anyone else. And I know I'm not the only one of us there."
Your heart pounded so loudly you had to swallow. His body weight rested comfortably on yours and you returned his eye contact.
"I'm afraid of losing you. I was so afraid of hurting you so much that I lost you.... I don't deserve you after everything I've done..."
He shook his head, desperation in his eyes, and you put a hand on his chest, right over his heart, so he was looking at you.
"I'm yours. Not going anywhere."
After so long of not having togetherness, the stress and work always kept you from it, even though you lived under the same roof. That's exactly why right now, this moment was so special.
He nodded slowly, seeming to calm down. You pulled him closer until he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist, buried his face against your neck, and took a deep breath. This embrace, his chest against yours, his body on top of yours was as intimate as anything you'd ever felt in your life. You stroked his soft curls, heard his soft grumble and kissed his cheek, hoping not to burst into tears with emotion.
Suddenly, Chan's cell phone rang on the nightstand. But he did not move. Didn't dare to take his arms from you. You were more important right now.
However, who would call in the middle of the night if it wasn't important?
"Chan? This must be important," you mumbled, but he just grumbled and pulled you even closer.
Sighing, you stretched and got hold of the cell phone. You recognized Changbin's name on the screen and handed it to Chan after you answered the call.
He straightened up a bit, groaned, and then put the phone to his ear.
"Yes?"
Changbin's voice sounded excited, worried.
"Y/N has disappeared. Do you know where she is? Hyunjin said she's not in her room and she's not in Felix's bed either. We searched the whole hotel, but she just left without saying anything."
Immediately you slapped your hand over your mouth. You hadn't thought of that at all when you had left in a hurry. The boys were probably worried all along.
"She's here. With me."
"Oh... Good."
Changbin sounded puzzled, yet equally relieved.
"She's with Chan," he clarified to the listeners in the background.
"All right. I'm relieved then. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow."
Chan hung up and you exhaled with a guilty conscience.
"Shit I just took off without telling them..."
Chan brushed the strands of hair from your face and kissed your lips briefly.
"It's all good. Now they know."
You smiled at the warmth in his smile and pulled him down to kiss you. Quickly the kiss grew more heated and he finally pulled your shirt over your head to look at your breasts.
"No bra huh?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, cupping one of your breasts with his large hand.
"I was in a hurry," you laughed, wrapping your legs around his hips to pull him closer. The heat between your legs was by now unbearable and there you felt that he was also struggling with his arousal the whole time. His presence and touch felt just as you remembered it, warm and hard, yet strangely soft and comforting at the same time.
He began kissing your neck, letting his lips brush lovingly over your skin, hissing as you rolled your hips against his.
"Fuck I was so hard the whole evening..."
You shuddered as he sank his teeth into the sensitive spot behind your ear.
"You just have to promise me you'll never touch Mina again, or look at her," you muttered and that's when he lifted his head and frowned with a smirk.
"Babe she's our stylist..."
Yes it was childish, but you were jealous as hell and couldn't help it. On the side you pulled down his pants, which he watched with wide eyes.
"I know... It just drives me crazy. She's into you and she's around you all the time and I can't even fire her because she's really good at her job and nice as hell."
He slipped out of his pants and grabbed your chin so you had to look at him.
"You're damn cute when you're jealous, did you know that?"
His deep voice and doting look made you melt as he lifted one corner of his mouth cheeky.
"I'm not jealous!" you quickly shot back, even though you both knew that was a lie.
"It's just... Fuck you're mine."
Chan's eyes grew big and took on an intense sparkle. The air was forced out of your lungs as his lips crashed hard against yours and he touched your body passionately, pulling you closer and licking into your mouth as if he wanted to devour you. His hand now hovered above your wet core as he worked his way to cup your heat through the thin material of your panties.
"Take your pants off, right now!" he growled against your lips and you instantly got goosebumps all over your body. Quickly, with his help, you slipped out of your shorts and he hurriedly rolled your panties off your legs until you were naked beneath him.
"God. So fucking gorgeous." His left thumb filed on autopilot and landed on your clit. He ran his thumb up and down through your soaked folds. You murmured his name shamelessly as he put his thumb flat on your clit before starting to rub gentle circles on it.
"Sorry baby girl, I can't wait a second longer, if you talk to me like that..." he whispered and slipped out of his boxers. You almost forgot how massive and powerful his hard length was in contrast to your body. You bit your lower lip as he stroked his fingers through your wet folds and wetted his dick with your juices.
He propped himself up next to your head and lined himself up with your entrance. Then he looked deep into your eyes.
"Normally I'd take better care of you, but you're driving me crazy right now.... I won't be able to hold on for long."
You smiled, because you felt the same way. You needed him to light you up. He had to infuse you with life energy again, otherwise you would surely perish.
"Now's your chance to apologize appropriately," you breathed, grinning teasingly. He snorted.
"Oh I will. What do you want baby girl? Tell me? What have you been craving all this time?" he said, his voice barely a raspy whisper. He knew the answer to your question, he could read it on your face, smell it in the air, feel it in the vein in your neck that throbbed rapidly beneath his fingers. But still, he needed to be sure he was right, hear from your lips the plea for his caresses. He needed to know that you were as desperate as he was.
"You! I want you. All of you and only for me. I want your touch, your cock pounding deep inside me.... Please."
Your stifled gasps he intercepted with a kiss as he pressed his tip into you, sliding inch by inch inside you. He stretched you, seeming to tear your walls apart as he sunk deeper and deeper. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your arms around his neck, pulled yourself against him until there was not a breath of space between you, no place where you're not touching. You nipped at his earlobe just to watch the shiver race down his back,
But he distracted you from the burning pain with loving kisses, his tongue played with yours and you clawed your fingernails into his back as he sank all the way into you.
"Oh god... fuck... Channie... so big," you groaned out as he was balls deep inside you, making you catch your breath. You wrapped your legs tighter around his body and he pressed a reassuring kiss to your forehead.
"Taking me so well... You're so good for me baby girl. Now let me make you feel good."
With that he began to move his hips. However, slowly and not violently as usual. He kept eye contact, enjoying your soft whimper as he thrusted into you again, deep and savoring every second where your warm pussy sucked him in.
He thrusted slowly but deeply and the world began to drift into the background. You felt only his warm skin, smelled only his cinnamon scent and the passion that made you press your hips against him.
"Is this okay?" he asked softly, kissing your soft lips, aware of your body trembling beneath him.
Quickly you nodded, pulling him closer with your legs, pressing your heels against his butt in the process.
"Don't stop! I need you. Please."
Your pleading twisted his mind, your body made him gasp and he moved his hips again. The tip of his cock slowly started to glide into your tight walls again and this allowed him to lay his head on your shoulder and tuck his face into your warm and familiar neck.
Now he felt your soft boobs press into his skin and groaned at the warm feeling it brought him. Chan took your words as a permission to start rocking his hips with yours and it made you let out a gasp of pleasure. This time the sex with Chan was very different than before. He was not fast, heated full of passion and fire. He showed you the loving, caring side that sex had to offer. His movement velvety, deep and engaging. He enjoyed your whole existence, every detail, while he broke you apart completely. You moved in unison, he hit every sensitive spot until you moaned his name out loud, all the while he thrusted into you slowly, you two making your session thats been going on for who knows how long is getting more and more heated. His lips did an incredible job in leaving wet kisses all over your throat and collarbone. He straightened up a bit, his hands sliding down your body from your boobs to your waist, groping and feeling up your skin just so he could appreciate everything about you physically. Your arms around his neck, occasionally threading through his pretty dark curls as he liked looking at you while he fucked you senseless, with deep thrusts that completely silenced your head.
He looked deep into your eyes, rolled his hips and loved the way your thighs were squeezing around his hips. He started thinking about all the things he loved about you. Likewise he absolutely loved the look on your face as he slowly sunk his cock so deep inside of you that you rolled your eyes and treasured the tears that fell from your eyes as he pounded into you. He loved to feel your skin and see how small you looked in his arms.
"Channie I'm close..." you gasped, your fingers tightening on his back and barely fitting a sheet of paper between your bodies. Sweat stood on both of your foreheads, your bodies heated and as if perfectly fused into each other.
"God you're perfect... Come for me baby girl!" he moaned, snapping his hips harder and pulsing deep inside you.
Your fingernails dug deeper into his skin as he kissed you passionately again, you moaning into his mouth and he gripped your breast tightly with his hand. The kiss was soft and slow too, neither rushed nor hungry, and you loved it.
You had time for yourselves for the first time in ages and it was beautiful. Your fight had only brought you closer together and it was a carefree, happy moment in this stressful time.
So maybe that's why you were trying to draw this out as long as possible. To hold off on coming and live in the moment for a while longer. The bed is rocking slightly from the slow but sensual thrusting Chan was doing. Your nails began to claw at the skin of his bare back, making him hiss. He fucked you slow but hard, insistent, determined like he was trying to leave the imprint of himself inside of you long after he was gone.
Suddenly, a euphoric feeling washed over you and your orgasm crashed down on your body. Your body shook and spasmed under him and you had to bite down on his shoulder to conceal your moans. You thought for a moment about his parents, who were just a few doors away. As soon as your walls crushed him the blissful look on your face pushed him over the edge. He came harder than he ever had before, his muscles cramping and he had only bright white desire flooding his veins. He throbbed deep inside you, painted your walls white and looking you straight in the eyes as he gasped:
"Fuck I love you so much..."
You froze at his words, your heart nearly leaping out of your chest. His hips slowed down and rather than thrusting, they gradually just pressed into your hips, rutting back and forth slightly, creating added pressure to your bundle of nerves and extending both of your releases.
When you both came down from your high, breathing heavily, he was still deep inside you, hard and pulsating.
It took a few seconds for Chan to realize what he had just said as well. Cautiously, almost fearfully, he raised his eyes, looking for any reaction in your face, but you just stared at him with your mouth open.
"Channie... Did you just say..."
Your soul was on fire and he squeezed his eyes shut, sighing, finally finding the words again:
"Yes... Yes I think I did. And I mean it too. Don't worry, you don't have to answer that! I just want you to know how I feel."
Your hands trembled as you put them to Chan's cheeks, looking at him and falling in love with him all over again. Because there was no other way to express your feelings for him.
"But what if I tell you that I think I've really fallen in love with you? Hopelessly and head over heels."
His face beamed and he took a rattling breath.
"Really?"
You nodded.
"Yes. And the weird thing is, I feel that way about all of you. The extreme feelings, the affection, the desire.... I can't explain it any other way than love."
This seemed to please him even more. He chuckled, his lips collided with yours and he kissed you slowly and intensely. Like the tide that surrounded you, gripping your body and dragging you out into the sea of passion.
Nor did the heat in your veins, the moisture between your legs and the tension in your body diminish. In fact, you never feared getting enough of Chan, which is why you rolled your hips against his again until he moaned loudly as your walls nuzzled him.
"Do you want to keep going?" you asked, blushing at the wet sound that came as he pushed his cum and your juices deeper into you.
He growled dangerously, grabbing your hips and it elicited a naughty moan from you as he violently snapped his hips into yours.
"With a body like that it's a miracle you haven't brought me to the brink of insanity yet. Every time I see you my cock gets hard, its impossible not to think about fucking you day and night", he murmured and stroked your lower lip with his thumb. Then he kissed your neck, sucking on your soft skin until you saw stars and red marks remained. He became more and more addicted to leaving his marks on you. You didn't care if you had to spend the next week finding creative ways to hide the evidence of your sensual encounter, you just needed to feel him. You wanted him to mark you, to declare ownership over your body. Meanwhile you knew you belonged to him, always would and that this would not change. That was exactly what he had now made clear. No matter how many women flirted with him, you had the certainty that he would always come to you and would always choose you. He managed to communicate that to you without any words at all, and as he shook your insides with each thrust, you were just flooded with pure happiness.
One of the many things you loved about Chan was his duality. Last time he fucked you dumb, it was animalistic to say the least. But right now he was softer than he has ever been. He gently handled you as if you were a fragile porcelain doll.
You clung to his back as he seemed to reach deeper with each thrust. His smell, his skin against yours and the soft gasps with your whimpers was so intoxicating that you could do this forever.
But again the knot formed in your lower abdomen, so you pressed your body tightly against his and tried to push it back. But Chan fucked you too well and he was yours. He loved you and that was better than anything that could happen to you.
He felt your body tense and he looked back into your face, his fingers stroking your bare skin like a map he wanted to explore and uncover its secrets.
"It's alright, baby girl. We've got all night," he murmured, watching you crumble beneath him once again. The stifled gasp, your open mouth and the flush of arousal in your eyes made him realize how much he needed this.
And so you kissed, touched, fucked slowly until hours later the black outside the window was already turning an intense pink and gray. You just couldn't stop. It was like being caught in a frenzy that protected you from reality. In your world, all was well.
Two naked bodies, intertwined, floating between highs and warm love, unable to stop holding each other.
After you could no longer count how many times you had come under him, your aching pussy stuffed with his cum, your head as if emptied, you fell asleep after all. He on top of you, his dick still sunk into you and his face nuzzled against your neck. Tightly embraced and comfortably you dozed off exhausted, until the alarm clock tore you from sleep.
As soon as you arrived at rehearsals together, the boys' conversations fell silent and everyone looked at you curiously.
Chan yawned and you also rubbed your eyes tiredly.
"So you guys made up?" asked Hyunjin curiously as Chan placed a hand on your lower back to curtly say goodbye before climbing on stage with the other guys.
You sat down on the edge with a bottle of water and propped your head on your hand.
"So from the looks of their faces, they've made up all night," Changbin smirked and patted Chan on the shoulder, who just shook his head and suppressed a grin.
"All night?" escaped Han quietly, as by now several people from staff had joined them for rehearsals.
"We had a lot of catching up to do," Chan muttered with a mischievous look to you, to which you bit your lip and stared at the floor. The memories of last night were varied and intense. It was only in the morning that you had noticed that you had spent hours and hours sleeping with each other, and you had even fallen asleep during it, because you couldn't stop for a second. Even now you felt his body intertwined with yours, his length deep inside you and his whole presence as close as never before. It was as if his hands had never left your skin, as if his caresses were permanently carved into your body. One of the technical team announced over a microphone the first song to be rehearsed and the guys lined up. But did not stop cackling with each other.
"Really all night? You guys didn't sleep at all?" hissed Jeongin in disbelief and Chan‘s sly smile was enough to read the answer on his face.
"And I thought I had stamina..." muttered Jisung just before the music kicked in and the kids started rehearsing.
->Part 24
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© Sky-yuna — 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝.
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