#at least i'm alone in this house

[novelconcepts]

There is so much nuance to the ep 6 scene between KJ and Lauren, I can’t get over it.

the motion older!KJ makes as they walk out, reaching for Lauren, realizing just in time that they are, in fact, in her hometown in Ohio and cutting short before she can land what was probably going to be an instinctive kiss

KJ coming in hot with the world’s most polite “hello!” and managing to make what must feel lightly like small talk for thirty seconds before dropping her voice to this shy, slightly-terrified question

the inability to hold eye contact. the faltering, wordless noises. the way she blinks like she’s seconds from just passing out in the middle of this theater--that is exactly how it feels to come out to someone for the first time. the edges of your vision go a little fuzzy, your heart is in your throat, you genuinely feel shaky, and all of that is so present in this performance

the sense of mild defeat in how she just lands on “movies” instead of “girls”, like she’s embarrassed she can’t just say it

the gentle ah hah expression on Lauren’s face as she realizes what this petrified kid is trying to ask her, and how smoothly she doesn’t correct her--just rolls with this safe code word

KJ’s nod and very tiny “uh-huh” without moving like any part of her face. like she’s reverting to standing as still as possible, protective coloring coming up in every inch of her frame

Lauren actually taking a minute to think about it before answering. and and then not giving the answer KJ asked for--”how did YOU know”--but what KJ actually needs to hear. what any kid in her position would: not everyone will get it, but everyone’s journey is their own, and there is no rush

(again, this is why I’m so delighted they wrote it the way they did--KJ and Lauren, not KJ and older!KJ, because older!KJ would have a definitive answer to give. it might be “I always knew, in the back of my mind” or it might be “when I was eighteen and kissed a girl for the first time”, but whatever the answer, it would cement KJ back into a box. this is your future, immutable, and there is no journey you could take that I haven’t already gone on. I’m so fucking glad they didn’t do this, that they let her have the reassurance that any timeline is the right one if it’s hers.)

again, that flutter-blink/quick breath combo that looks like she’s gonna pass out--but this time, there’s relief in it. it’s less “how do I say this Huge Thing” and more “oh thank god, she knows what I’m asking, she knows without me saying, and she’s being kind”

It is beautifully put together, such a gentle way of saying to this baby gay, “Nobody can tell you who you are except you, but whoever that winds up being is so okay. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. You will be happy, I promise you.” It is a critical bit of advice so many queer people just don’t get, and to write it into KJ’s story is one of the show’s biggest kindnesses.

#paper girls #paper girls spoilers #kj brandman #i love this scene so much. i love that lauren doesn't try to make it about herself in the least #she could tell her story here--but that isn't what KJ actually needs #so instead she gives her reassurance that there's nothing wrong with what she's feeling and that it really does feel amazing to be in love #even if that love isn't what she might have expected for herself #i also just love that lauren is in her early 20s and maybe has never HAD a young kid ask this before--and you can kind of feel it #in the hesitation and the slight fumble before she lands on what is most likely what she would have needed to hear at that age #admittedly--god love her--she clearly lacks a few passive perception points #because there are so many pictures of young KJ in her girlfriend's house that she HAS to have seen them #but we forgive her this observational oversight because she's so lovely in these scenes #and it really does a great job of painting the feeling that she's drawn to this kid--who is the child version of her girlfriend-- #without EVER once being creepy about it. it's just 'oh this sweet kid i want to protect her'. a lesser show would have fucked that up #'ah she says she's KJ's cousin. they have exactly the same face at different stages of pokemon evolution but sure yeah that tracks' #'how can i help?' #again i LOVE the comics. i love them so much. but this is the same kind of gentle change as giving mac her brother for a while #it's screaming from the rooftops that these kids are not as alone as they feel #and i'm so soft about it

[natreads]

I got a job as a bookseller!!!

#nat talks #listen. it's not the dream bc I've already worked in a bookstore and it's actually terrible at times #but I only really worked during holidays and people were just so rude #BUT I do have higher hopes for this location #also I tentatively know two people who work there so it will be fun! #it's a sub role and a little unclear if I'll only work during christmas and the book sale in feb or more #it depends on if the people who are on sick leave will return and when #but I can keep freelancing and apply for corporate jobs I want in the meantime #at the very least I can work during december either way and if I end up finding something else maybe I can work weekends during the booksal #so to not let them down too much #I honestly am just looking forward to getting out of the house and meeting people and working with my body more #because my mind is very fried #I have a short shift tomorrow to train #then I'll see when I'll officially start but it will probably be soon! #I've had a very busy few days so I wish I had said I could do my training shift next week #bc they gave the option of this wednesday or next #but I didn't want to turn it into a “thing” by letting too much time pass bc I might get anxious about it #but now I wish I had lmao I'm tired #also forgot I was gonna be home alone with the dog tomorrow #had been looking forward to it tbh #oh wellll #work stuff

[running-in-the-dark]

.

#currently crying because I'm alone with my husband's 94 year old grandma and I'm the only one who ever lets her talk about certain topics #so she just talked about her childhood and youth for one and a half hours #which means. the war #I'm not gonna go into it but it makes me cry every time even though I've already heard it all before #how can you not cry about a child who lost two of her teenaged brothers and had to watch the third one very nearly die too #the stories about how careful they had to be because the police constantly went to every house and checked everything #how they had to hide some of the milk from their cows so they could make butter because they couldn't afford to buy it #and how dangerous that was. #idk I'm so tired of people dying over senseless and unnecessary shit forever and ever and nothing ever changes and no one ever seems #to learn from it #or at least the ones in power don't #as long as there's disposable people (men) to send to war it doesn't matter. and now that's not even necessary anymore you can just kill #people from far away and. I'm just tired #and I'll shut up now and not talk about these things again as usual. it's not because I don't care it's because it (literally) drives me #insane to think about it and I know it's weak and pathetic but I have to choose to stay just barely sane enough to stay alive #can't stop crying. 🙃 #anyway. shouldn't talk about it so. bye

[pollen]

hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own) #experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself. #it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

[daz4i]

(not so) fun fact my first ever panic attack was in a very similar situation aka siren going off when I'm home alone and unsure what to do about the situation. needless to say i am not doing well rn! :)

#my sister and her family are flying to greece to escape this whole thing. understandably so #so my parents went to the airport with them. and since i just woke up i couldn't go with them. so. #honestly it's probably better this way?? like if the siren started while we were on the road i would've lost my shit even more #bc then you gotta get far from cars and lie face down on the ground covering your head. not fun #i never did that bc i never leave the house tho. so ig there's some benefits to that 🫡 #real talk tho i am not in a full blown panic attack yet but I'm definitely not doing well ajdkflljk #at least being home alone means i can cry properly 😐

[august--and-everything-after]

Ok just bought tickets to two events, one Dec 1st and one Dec 8th and since i've spent the money for tickets I'm gonna drag myself to them and have a good fucking time

#trying a new method of forcing myself out of the house #went to an event last year randomly and alone and if nothing else it taught me i can do that #so i'm doing it again and i'm going to try and meet at least one other person at each event #and i'm gonna have a good time and a new and different experience

[poptartmochi]

in this house we love greek gods that preside over one specific thing and have fuckall to do for the rest of eternity <3

#sriracha.txt #creating some fuckt up little lady who presides Specifically over like. the point in which old crop is used to fertilize the new #thus playing into the whole cycle of life idea + giving her some foot to stand on as the kid of persephone and hades specifically #wrt the way old life supports the new? is this stepping on the toes of demeter and dionysus... yes... #but we pretend we do not see it.. i am overworked + low on spoons as it is and this is like.. niche lore for a character i am not paid to #play. i cannot dedicate much more effort to her. at least not right now #lament aside i think i will name her Rhoeas or something of that nature.. from what i can tell ῥόα is the word for pomegranates #which becomes ῥοιᾰ́ς for corn poppies.. #now sit with me boy 🕴 we lose the plot here a little bit + also extrapolate from wikipedia alone for this BUT. in many cultures poppies are #heavily associated with death and love alike. and ofc they grow in disturbed soil. #SO... if you look at the original myth with a modern + loose lens. i think you could justify some kind of poppy child being like #a bridge between demeter and hades.. she comes from the literal disturbed soil that came when hades abducted persephone #+ has ties with death and love + love that can endure death which can be a fun allusion to the way that demeter's love for persephone #persists even through persephone's stay in hades which houses the dead... do you feel me comrades #i think you could even apply it to persephone and hades themselves - a love that endures death? but naur offense hades is NOT the focus her #</3 🤪 coming back to this theme of like. love persisting through death and being sewn in the wake of death/disrupted soil. we come back to #the anchor point of her character which is the old dead crops being used to fertilize the new growth. it's the love the dead has for the #living right!! to help it grow in a new and difficult world! i think that itself ties back into the central theme w the poppies #and also demeter has ties to poppies so i don't think it would be crazy for some grandchild of hers to have ties to poppies :-] i think thi #all somewhat feasible if you reaaaalllly squint. anyhow i'm too tired to go any further with it rn #corylana

[dont-offend-the-bees]

We need better fucking care infrastructure. I should not be trusted with anyone's care ever 💛

#thing is caring for myself? I'm not GREAT at it but i can scrape by #i know my limits i know how much or little i need to survive i know that i can usually more or less bounce back after a tough time #i think if my life fell out from under me i could probably scrape it back even if i wound up doing a lot of couch surfing in the meantime #i genuinely don't know how I'll survive if i have to be fucking sole carer for someone #dad's on his way back now and he's been prescribed antibiotics and hopefully that's that #but at least a couple of times a year there's some shit like this #an awful cough or an infection or a fucking insane choice to like do some diy on the outside of the house standing on the windowsill #he fucking nearly chokes on his food once or twice a week #maybe he's just one of those cockroach type motherfuckers who'll never die no matter how the universe steps on him #but I'm fucking PISSED that he's taking that for granted and won't even sit and fucking talk to me about what happens when his luck runs out #I've been looking after mum alone for what four hours today and I'm already so tired and frustrated i wanna die #i am. a deeply impatient and unsociable creature. #i can be infinitely patient with friends! those are my fave people i chose to have them in my life I'd wait like a fucking mountain for them #mum and i were.... already sort of At Odds before all this started. #i'm the kid she never 100% really wanted and who never really 100% wanted to be here #and now we're stuck together and one day possibly sooner than any of us want it will be. just the two of us. #and i just. i don't know what that looks like. i really don't. #anyway. mental breakdown over hopefullly. #with a bit of luck dad and i actually fucking TALK before the next one #idk man. i never really knew what i wanted to do with my life but i thought I'd have time to figure it out #but maybe I'm just. the unqualified burnout with covid memory damage and a whole ass other human to care for #the exact thing i set out to avoid when i decided never to have kids #anyway. enough oversharing. #thank you anyone who's read my spiralling tag rambles in solidarity i love you #mr. bees speaks

[arsonist-chicken]

PSA, don't talk about anything in your town hall that you don't want every employee and their families to know. Maybe avoid your town hall in general and move to a town where none of your relatives or anyone else you know works unless you want them to know your business.

#source: my mother works in the town hall in the social housing department and immediately when arriving home #starts telling everyone everything that happened today and who applied for housing and who got it and who was kicked out etc etc. #which I Do Not want to know; and also it's another reason for me to move away for a while at least after graduating #because otherwise i'd have applied for social housing in my town which. requires filling out the forms that my mother reviews now. #she doesn't decide who gets housing but i don't need her to look at all my documents and insurance times and former employers etc etc #SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I don't want to know any of this!! how do you arrive home and immediately start talking a mile a second!! #@people who are in relationships: how the FUCK do you deal with coming home and not getting some peace and quiet? #i would lose it if I came home and was immediately talked at for the entire evening about things i don't give a shit about #and that should also not leave the town hall or even the office it belongs to #'are you not hungry or do you just not want to eat with us'. what. the fuck kind of answer do you expect to that. #yes i'm hungry but i'd rather sit in my room hungry and go to my swimming club hungry later than eat with you #and be talked at and questioned about what i did today and what my plans are for the tenth time this week #and having to repeat everything twice for some reason. sunday aka me leaving cannot come soon enough #mine #vent and rant #i also don't need to hear about her GODDAMN DIET PLANS *AGAIN*. i don't care i don't care i don't care!! #leave me alone with dieting!! i'm perfectly capable of falling back into disordered eating habits all by myself! I don't need someone else #to talk about diets and weights and weight loss and calories and weight watchers all the time for that! #i'm perfectly capable of hurting myself like that all on my own; i don't need outside encouragement! god. i cannot wait to live alone #and have my own damn kitchen and enough money to buy proper food that's good for me and that i like regularly. #maybe even see a dietician once to help me find some foods with iron and other things i often have too little of. #and no one to tell me when to eat and then be passive-aggressive about it when i say i don't want to eat now

[humblemediagenius]

LOL!!!!! LOL!!! IM FINE!!!! LOLLLLL

#seaspeak #ughhhgh why can't the item come now. please I want him now #if I'm gonna be annoying and weird at least I can do it in peace alone in my house with my item

[necromancy-savant]

Sometimes I worry that I haven't taken good enough care of my ears, but then I'm in physical pain from how loud not only friends and coworkers in the same room keep their music but how loud my neighbors and the people in the parking lot blast it

#I'm convinced that both temperature and volume are things I perceive extremely differently from every other human ever to exist #I can hear snoring beneath me at night #I put in my earplugs but I can still feel the vibrations #through the fucking floor and through the walls #go to a doctor before you die in your sleep ffs tbh #but at least that person takes care of their baby unlike my last neighbors #I hear crying every once in a blue moon and it sucks but it stops within minutes bc they promptly meet their baby's needs #at my old place it would be 12 hours a night of screaming and screaming and no sleep bc they ignored it #and in the day it would be boom boom boom crash crash glass breaking everywhere cry oh what happened #you left your baby unattended and she got injured for the fifth time today bc you just leave her alone in the house all the time #you let your 1 year old to stomp around and break things and injure herself every 15 minutes #while you laze around just admit you never wanted children and give her to someone who will take care of her ffs #that kid is going to be suicidal by first grade due to lack of attention to her basic survival needs and I feel horrible for her already #I also saw two very young boys on that porch one time #with no shirts and with just shorts on in the snow just bashing the porch with sticks out of sheer boredom #I was considering intervening bc my paranoid ass thought they must already have frostbite

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[serenedash]

so I wasn't expecting my khux gameplay post to blow up this much because normally I just shout my khux thoughts into the void and that's that, but it's been really amazing and heartwarming seeing everyone's personal experiences with khux, like I can't say enough how much I LOVE looking at everyone's additions and tags :)

I had tried writing a long post about some khux feelings but it just wasn't coming out right. this post isn't about the game this is about me sorry tl;dr I'm a very anxious person and I love to see other people just as excited about khux as I am because I feel better about how much I like it. which is A Lot

#sorry for being vulnerable it won't happen again /lh #the real tl;dr is that I feel very dumb and stupid and anxious all the time constantly for being obsessed with khux #but again everyone's responses made me feel so much better #like yes its a major source of joy for me but I get so anxious #and I dont really talk to people at all bc of it like discord servers are a special hell but I try anyway #and majority of my khux friends drifted away from it forever ago so I feel kind of really alone by myself #I just love other people's posts and content so much I feel so stupid in comparison- I look up to so many people in the community #making memes is such a great joy for me but I yearn for more yknow. I can be a serious artist past all my clown behavior I promise #I mean all my fics are very serious and angsty but no one reads my writing Im not too confident on regularly posting it so its fine really #I'm just in my own echo chamber on here and I always assume everyone hates me or is at least annoyed by me #like people don't really comment on things I make or send me asks or message me #so not getting feedback except a decent number of notes on my posts is like. not the best #im not guilt tripping people into interacting with me really its fine I swear Im just having my own issues #really dont feel you have to because also Im really bad at conversations fr #my personal tag is 'im rambling' for a reason #but anyway this is my house and if people don't like it they can leave #at the end of the day I love to just create for my own enjoyment #and if people like it too then that's great!!!!! #but I'm also still very anxious all the time

[mwagneto]

im finally done with all my exams this was literally the most exhausting month/2 months of my fucking life. and i get one day off bc im doing something on literally every other day but that's gonna be fun im not complaining

#im finally gonna see my friends againnn my god #i literally only saw them during exams and i haven't seen my pre uni friends since summer it's DIRE #i have to squeeze visiting my sister and hanging out with 2 of them into one day coz otherwise it #literally wouldn't fit anywhere else MDMDKDMDNHD christ #and then on Wednesday.... heh😏 #barking #my fucking god i need to fit 100000 years of sleep into today coz im lit rally gonna be busy as hell #it's so annoying coz I'm rly happy i finally get to hang out properly with everyone again #but at the same time im like why did you plan stuff when you could just sleep and relax:/ #NO i literally miss them so much and I'd just be bored at home anyway #I'd have pretty much the whole month off but somehow i managed to cram it full of stuff and im #also traveling on Wednesday and wont be back til late February which im also kinda all over the #place about coz im so excited but im also like mad at myself for leaving instead of #enjoying being home alone with nothing to do finally but yk. I'd just be bored #also the month/2 months thing all but one of my exams was in the past 30 days but i #had an insane december too with like 50 assignments an exam sickness 3 birthdays christmas and #traveling to someone's house in a different city for half a week and like a bunch of other shit im forgetting #point is my fucking GOD I'm having fun but i need a fucking break for real I'm running myself into the ground #at least im done with these stupid Fucking exams and my average of seminar + lecture grades is #gonna be like 4.0 which is beyond perfect i thought I'd get like 2.5 lmfaooooo #(grades go from 1 to 5‚ 1 is fail 2 is pass 3 is satisfactory 4 is good 5 is excellent) #(like that's literally their official names that's not me calling them that djdnridjeidjdj) #i thought i just wouldn't study at all and skirt by with 3s and 4s like i usually do but i #actually got a lot of 5s im amazed. like genuinely who am i #anyway this is long lmao tldr sorry i haven't been on much im just constantly busy lmao😭 #oh and also im not even going to meet my pre uni friends coz neither me or them have any fawking time

[medicinemane]

"DIY tiny home you can build in weeks", ok... now lets see the cost

...seven and a half minutes later, the answer is $75k... so when you include land and all the rest of it, so basically nothing right?

This is my problem with tiny homes stuff, it's for rich people

#and as much as I'm pro home ownership since like... my house is pretty much what's made my life feasible #like I know two things for a fact; we don't have room to give every last person a house #(especially if they're basically one bedroom sized things dotting the land) #and not everyone even wants to own a home #but like... lets say that everyone did want to own a place... we can't even do single family stuff let alone infinite tiny homes #so you'd need to have at least some homes in the form of basically owned units in an apartment complex which... sounds like condos #and so... I legit don't even come close to having the answer for this #but the sad thing is... a commie block kind of beats a tiny home if we're honest I think #not even in some like... brutalist dystopian shoving people together kind of way #like I think I'd rather live in a well maintained commie block style apartment than in one of infinite tiny homes doting the land #I really really really like tiny homes as a concept... but every time you look at them you realize... it's all for rich people #and half of them are just gentrified trailers or closet sized apartments getting dressed up by an architect to up the price #like I'm not even trying to shit on this company cause like I'm for assembly line style home production #especially compared to the cheap shit we throw up now; it makes me with I could puke in anger and disgust at it #they showed clips to contrast with of a home being tossed up and the shit materials they use disgust me #seeing massive... whatever you call those new home blights... communities I guess; springing up they always look like they're made of trash #so yeah... I like this building style better than shitty single family homes 'from the low 300s' #but I think that these people are either doing a sales pitch; missing the big picture; or both when they talk about this #like this can't fix the housing crisis cause... one no one can afford shit even if it's... lets say $175k; that's a lot to ask most people #but two is it won't work long term to just dot a million little houses across the land #cause quite apart from finding all that land; think of all the electric grid and water infrastructure you have to lay #(or are these people expected to be able to afford solar and all that? cause... they ain't poor if they're doing that) #(and I'd kind of like poor people to not be screwed by the housing problems we have; the rich can get bent honestly) #I like living on my own in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere; I wouldn't want someone right next to me #so I'm literally the kind of person people bitching about rural folks is bitching about; so know that's not what I'm saying #but let's be honest... we need better and cheaper urban infrastructure and we need less suburbs and housing communities #and that's where the solution is gonna lie; not in reinventing the single family home (or smaller) #eh... I really really really like tiny homes and think they're neat... but I can't help but see they're rich people play things #...and that's my thoughts on this #it's kind of like how solar is nice and all... but just a few good nuclear plants would be a better solution than solar on every roof