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#at least you're not my bff who LAUGHED and said i deserve it
vercopaanir · 4 years
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Oh, hun, I'm the one who made the request for you to write a book, i shoulda known it'd do that to you, I'm sorry 😥. I love your story, really, and I'd really, REALLY like to have a book by you on my shelf 😘. I believe in you!
omg no it is NOT your fault, it’s totally tumblr mobile!!!!!!!
Seriously, it made me laugh so hard afterwards, and is genuinely one of the best messages I’ve ever gotten!
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glamourghoul138 · 3 years
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Screenshot Heard 'Round The World Part 3
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Disclaimer: Single Jensen. I just can't seem to write him any other way. Sorry not sorry.
Characters: Jensen, Eventual Jared, Alex Calvert, Cliff Kosterman, Tara (fictional bff based on my RL spn bestie)
Warnings: a little language. Eventually sexual situations. Slight drug use (weed. Nbd). Jealousy? Is that a warning?
No time for word count.
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The hotel room Jensen booked for us was exactly what I expected and also exactly what I didn't want from him. The space was easily double the size of my apartment. Private bedrooms for the 2 of us, plus a common living room area. Each bedroom had it's own bathroom that was to die for. It was all too much to be honest. We didn't need all of this space. This room must have cost him a small fortune. He has been spoiling me for weeks now and I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this treatment but who am I to argue with a man who has gone above and beyond to make me happy?
It didn't take Tara and I long to get settled and refreshed. She had just finished her shower and getting dressed while I was checking out the details of the convention on the Creation website, trying my best not to be in my head too much. A brief knock on the door made me jump almost out of my skin. Only 2 other people know the hotel we are staying in. Cliff and Jensen. Then the realization hit me. Holy shit. Trying my best not to hyperventilate, I open the door.
"Hey there. Told you I'd see you again this weekend." Cliff laughed, either at his own quip or at my sigh of relief.
"Hey yeah. What's up?" I gesture for him to come in but he stays in his place just outside the door.
"You have a visitor." His smirk made my eyes all but bulge out of my skull. I spoke way too soon. Time is now I guess.
"Hang on one sec. I'm gonna lock Tara in her room. I don't need her bugging out right now." Cliff laughs and I hear a muffled giggle from around the corner. He is right there. Jensen Ackles, the man I have been smitten with for ages is less than 7 feet away from me right now. I was not prepared to meet him this soon.
I scurry as fast as I could to Tara's room and find her sitting on the bed, drying her hair with a towel.
"What's up buttercup?" Her calm demeanor fastly changed to one of worry.
"No time to explain. I need you to stay in here until I come to get you. Don't argue with me right now. Love you!" I speed talk and slam her door shut and rush to let them in.
"Sorry guys. Come in please." I open the door wider and start walking ahead of them to the sitting area. Trying to catch my breath. Wow I am way out of shape.
I sit against the back of the couch and start fidgeting with my fingers again. Cliff takes a quick look around the room, doing his bodyguard duties before he lets Jensen in. I guess I had been lost in thought for a split second because i never heard or noticed Cliff walk out and Jensen walk in. I raise my head to the sound of heavy footsteps approaching on the tile floor. The smile on this man's face was so big and perfect, it took my breath away. This was it. The moment we both have been waiting 6 long months for. Well longer for me but who's counting?
God he looks magnificent in person. No pictures or videos can do this man justice. Everything about him glows differently when he's merely feet away from you. His black boots on his larger than expected feet, the way his dark denim jeans clings deliciously to his muscular, thick thighs, the Led Zeppelin t-shirt hanging around his abdomen, and the black leather jacket draped over his broad shoulders was enough to make any woman faint. Don't get me started on his face.....
As soon as my feet completely held my weight, Jensen's arms were around my midsection and he was glowing. The pure happiness and relief on his face said it all. A million things were racing through my mind; doubt, worry... but it doesn't matter now. I have him in my arms right now and that's what is important. God he smells good. Fresh out of the shower, body wash mixed with a small amount of cologne, and mint gum. His heart had been thumping in his chest then slowed to a steady rhythm when I lightly touched the short, soft hairs on the back of his neck. Jensen sighs and places a soft kiss to the top of my head. He is everything I pictured and so much more. Nothing could possibly make this moment more perfect.
"Hi." He sighed.
"Hi." I responded with a contented sigh.
"I'm so happy you made it." He starts to sway with me in his arms.
"I'm happy you're happy." He squeezes me tighter.
It felt like years had passed before we stepped away from each other and started talking. I got lost trying to memorize his face. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. The golden flakes in the sea of green in his eyes. The way his slightly tanned skin made his darker freckles pop out even more. What really got me was the way he looked into my eyes when I talked and how he ever so slightly would lick his bottom lip while listening. I'm a goner. That's it. I'm done. I can die now. Thanks everyone. Just know that Jensen Ackles killed me.
In between us talking about our travel and the girl at the front desk, we started laughing at Tara. She had been calling from the cracked bedroom door to come out.
"I better go prepare her for this. Just so you know I apologize in advance for what she may say or do. Just know that." I tried to warn him as I walked to my best friend. He chuckled but he has no idea.
"Okay. Yes he is in there. But before I let you out, there are a few things we need to discuss first." She huffed at me.
"First, don't scream. Don't freak out and lose your shit. Second, I'm sorry for not saying anything sooner. Third, remember you love me." I held my hands on her shoulders to emphasize how serious I was trying to be.
"Who do you have out there? Geez. It's like you don't know me at all." Tara scoffed.
"I do and that's why I said what I said."
Her confusion even more evident as I walk her into the living area. Not only did this woman actually stay silent, she froze in place when she realized who was waiting. For a second I thought she would pass out. I am, without a doubt, in for a scolding later. When Jensen tried to introduce himself, I literally had to lift her hand and put it in his so he could greet her properly.
"Tara? This is Jay. Can you say hi to the nice man?" Apparently that hit a nerve and she elbowed me in the ribs and she snapped out of whatever star struck coma she was in.
"I am so sorry that our friend here did absolutely nothing to prepare me for this." She fiercely greeted him then. At least she's back and no longer embarrassing me in probably the most important day of my life.
"No problem. that was kind of my doing, hope you'll forgive me. I hope you girls are ready to head out. I planned out the whole day for the 4 of us." Jensen flashed his brilliant smile.
"Four of us?" The way her head turned towards me was like a serial killer had just snapped and was about to take their first victim. Tara's tone took a strange turn. One of suspicion, intrigue and a dash of terror.
"Last part of the surprise I swear. I don't know any other details besides that Jensen is bringing a friend too." I whispered as the very tall and gorgeous man walked us out of the suite.
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Jensen lead us down the back way of the hotel to where his rental car had been parked. Despite our efforts to get him to tell us of his plans, he remained secretive. Tara kept texting me from the back seat asking about the guy she was meeting. Jay wouldn't even tell me his name. So as it says in the best friend handbook, I had to pry out as much info as I could for her.
"Can I ask you a question?" I lean close to Jensen. He didn't even say yes or no. Just glanced at me and smirked.
"Who is she going to meet? I mean you gotta at least tell me. Right?" Trying to be as quiet as I can but also loud enough so he can hear me over the radio.
Nothing. Not even a twinge of his face.
"C'mon jay.. at least tell me his name."
A heavy sigh then a slight chuckle bubbles up in his chest.
He leans to meet me half way.
"Alex."
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. He looks at me then and purses his lips in a tight smile to not give it away to Tara. Jensen and I exchanged a look of agreement to keep quiet until we get to wherever it is we are going. I merely looked down at my lap for my phone when he spoke again.
"I swear if you text her anything, you're gonna get it." He knows me too well.
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"Bring it on tough guy." Followed by a quick flash of my pierced tongue had Jensen focusing on the road a little too hard if you ask me. His stern face and attitude is not like him at all. He was kind of giving off this DaddyDom vibe and to be honest, it was really, really hot.
Jensen pulls the rented SUV into a parking lot, leading to, what appears to be a boardwalk on a large lake. Upon parking, I'm noticing food stands, a few carnival games, and how did I miss the larger than life ferris wheel?? As soon as I reach for the door handle, Jensen raises hisnjndex finger in the air.
"What?" I question, rather confused.
"I'm just texting him to let him know we're here. Don't you dare open that door for yourself." Was his response. All I could do was cock an eyebrow at him. "What kind of southern gentleman would I be if I allowed 2 ladies to open their own doors?" There's that award winning smile.
When he gets out to come around to the passenger side, Tara smacks the back of my seat frantically. "If you don't marry that man I will!"
"You might change your mind when you meet his friend." I stick my tongue at her, playfully. Before she could come up with any witty retort, Jensen opens our doors and helps us out of the tank he drove us in.
"Ready?" He asks me, extending his hand to me.
"Always." I put my hand into his.
The three of us walk together into the Louisiana park, stopping just before a food stand that was selling various pastries and coffee. With it being earlier in the afternoon, it seemed like we had the place to ourselves. Hardly anyone else was around, except for the carnival workers.
"Sir, you have a large brown streak on your ass." All 3 of us turned around, ready to give this guy the what-for when Jensen started laughing and Tara and I realized who it was.
"Alex, I'd like you to meet Y/N." Jensen smiles then leans into Alex, butnunaware he is still within ear shot. "The one I was telling you about."
Honestly, I was not anywhere near as nervous to meet the man I came to know and love as Jack Kline. Too bad I can't say the same for Tara.
'Alex, this is my best friend Tara."
.
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.
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@iamnotsaneatall @nanie5 @spnbaby-67 @spookygibson @ryantherandomhero @smoothdogsgirl @sea040561 @hobby27 @waywardbaby @iamabeautifulperson18 @mirandaaustin93 @liebemeineslebensx
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lie---ability · 3 years
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for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.
but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.
first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.
the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.
but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.
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fuckyeahalexjo · 7 years
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Not sure if you're still accepting prompts but.. Jo and Alex talk through their problems and spend the night together in the loft for the first time in a while? :)
“Steph, I swear I’m fine. Go home!” Jo yelled outfrom her spot on the couch wrapped up in a throw. It had been a long day: shehad lost two patients and Kepner had given her draft for a possible article submissionback with what seemed like a hundred revisions to make. And then there wasAlex.
They had been talking more since she had spent time on hisservice a couple of weeks ago. Everything was fine, comfortable even, betweenthem, but it was everyone else that was the problem.
Every time she spoke to him, it seemed like all of thehospital’s eyes were on them. She knew it upset Andrew, Steph always gave hersickening sympathetic stares, and Grey always glared at her as if Jo had justpersonally killed a hundred orphans. Jo rolled her eyes and unburied herselffrom piles of paper and textbooks when the knock at the door became louder. Shereadjusted the throw around her shoulders as she shuffled across the loft andpulled the door open, “Look Steph, I told you. I’m fi-”
She stopped suddenly as she met warm brown eyes that had ahint of insecurity shining through, “Hey.” She stood quietly, juststarting at him in surprise when Alex’s gaze faltered, “Sorry, I shouldn’thave…”
“It’s okay,” she cut him off as she stepped to theside, “Come in.” He hesitated for a moment, causing her to smilesoftly at him, “I would have said that even if you weren’t holding a pizza,but now that I’ve seen it, whether you stay or decide to go, that pizza’sstaying here.”
He chuckled as the left side of his lips curled up inamusement, “You’d seriously take the pizza out of my hands and shut thedoor in my face?”
Jo laughed at his teasing and walked towards therefrigerator to get them both a bottle of beer, “I mean, I’d keep it openso you could watch me eat it if you wanted to.” She turned back towardshim so he could see that she was serious, “But I wouldn’t shut youout.”
He smiled nervously and followed her lead by sitting at thetable, “Good to know.”
She ripped a couple of paper towels for them and handed hima plate, “So what’s the reason for this visit?”
Alex shrugged and tried not to meet her eyes, “Youseemed like you were having a bad day and I figured with how we’ve been lately,I don’t know, I just thought you could use a friend today that’s all.”
She looked at him skeptically, “Today?”
He looked at the table as he chewed his pizza, “I meannot that this has to be significant or anything…”
“I knew it,” she mumbled as she rolled her eyes asher arm collapsed onto the kitchen table in defeat, “Alex, you don’t oweme anything. It’s a nice thing to do and all, but…”
He looked up to glare at her, “I’ve spent the last fivebirthdays with you Jo, I don’t see how this one has to be different….Unlessyou really don’t want me here.”
She smiled as he trailed off insecurely, “No, it’sfine. I just don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything cause you don’t.”
Alex dipped his crust into some marinara sauce as a silencehung over them for a moment before he spoke softly, “Then why do I feellike I do?”
Jo froze with the pizza halfway to her mouth as he looked upat her hesitantly. Was he seriously wanting an answer from her? Did he want tohave a serious talk about everything? Or was he just trying to feel out heremotions? She sighed in frustration of how complicated everything was,“Well you don’t.” Jo bit her lip as she dropped the pizza on herplate and wiped her hands on the napkin, deciding to go for broke, “Isthat what this is? Pity pizza?”
“No!”
“Or, ‘I’m sorry I wanted to marry you and bought a ridiculouslybeautiful ring for you’ pizza? Or ‘I’m sorry so many dickheads have beaten you downover the years, let me make up for all men’ pizza?”
His eyes sparkled with part sadness, but also a littleamusement, “It’s 'I thought you might be hungry, and I miss my friend’pizza. Now can you settle down?”
She blinked several times as he continued to stare at her. Friend?Could she be just his friend? She wasn’t sure she could ever be that again,“Friend?”
Alex’s slight smile faded as he looked down at his plate toavoid her eyes, “It was always easy to talk to you. I miss that.” Hestraightened up and drank from his bottle as she watched him with interest. Hesighed as he placed the bottle back on the table and ran his thumb over thelabel, seemingly collecting his thoughts. When he finally spoke, his voice wasslightly hoarse, “I used to think it was all crap.”
Her eyebrows furrowed as she studied him, her voice low tomatch his, “What was crap?”
He glanced up to meet her eyes for a split second beforeglancing away again. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “The 'Imarried my best friend’ people. I never fully believed that.” He looked upand met her eyes, his stare unwavering, “Until you.”
The honesty in his voice and sincerity in his eyes almostmade her gasp, “Alex…I…”
He snorted and picked up his pizza once more, “Youdon’t have to agree.” He shrugged, still not looking at her, “I mean,I’ve come to realize it was never the same for you and that’s okay. Itjust…sometimes these things just don’t work out. It’s nobody’s fault.”
Jo sat silently, soaking up his words. She pushed the plateaway, suddenly not hungry at all, “What makes you say that?”
His head shot up to give a surprised look, “Whywouldn’t I? You couldn’t even tell me about your marriage.” He stopped andlowered his voice, taking on a calmer tone, “Look, I don’t want to fightabout it, that’s not fair to you. But come on Jo, you never trusted me at thelevel I trusted you.”
Jo bit her lip, so many thoughts and emotions soaringthrough her at the same time, “If that’s true, why didn’t you tell meabout your embryos with Izzie before I found that receipt?”
He stared at her dumbfounded and if the conversation wasn’tso serious, she might have laughed. His eyes narrowed in disbelief, “Areyou serious right now?”
“Why didn’t you tell me? If you trusted me that muchand I was your BFF, why didn’t you talk to me about it?”
He growled low in his throat, “That’s different and youknow it.”
“How? Was it not painful for you? Was it not something painfulthat you wanted to push away to the back of your mind? I realize that yoursecret about Izzie didn’t affect me as much as my marriage affected you, but Ihave a hundred reasons why I couldn’t tell you. And it’s a battle I foughtevery single day and will probably continue to fight for the rest of my life.You think I enjoyed keeping that from you? What, you think I did it to hurt yousome way? I get you can’t understand that, cause I don’t always do, but damn itAlex, I don’t need your condemnation, I have enough of that already on myown.”
“I don’t…you think I blame you?” The look ofsadness and regret in his eyes tore at her heart, “How can you think that, Jo?”
She shook her head quickly as she looked away, “Okay maybeshame is a better word, but still…I’m sorry I couldn’t be better…”
“Stop,” he interjected as he leaned back in his seat and ranhis hands over his head, “Please don’t apologize like that, it…you have nothingto be sorry about.”
Jo narrowed her eyes in confusion and shook her head eventhough he wasn’t looking at her, “I owe you a hundred apologies, Alex. Atleast. I was…my whole life, I’ve never….I’m sorry, I just don’t know how tohandle all of this.”
She watched as he rolled his lips in, a move she knew meanthe was searching for what to say. He sighed as he leaned back forward onto thetable, the legs of the chair clacking against the floor. Alex leaned onto hiselbows, almost rocking before he finally quit fidgeting and looked down at thetable, his voice softer, “Do you know how many nights I wished and…and even prayedthat my mother would decide to leave when I was a kid?” He chuckled quietly, alow rueful sound before he looked up at her with a slight smirk, “I should askyou since you’re the math expert. It was two months after my sixteenth birthdaywhen he left so how many days would that have been?”
She stared at him questioningly, unsure if he really wanteda serious answer, but decided when he didn’t speak that he was waiting on herto calculate it. She looked to the side, “It would be about five thousand ninehundred and six.”
Alex hiked his eyebrows playfully, seeming to try to breakthe tension somewhat, “About?”
She shrugged lightly, “Leap years can throw me off. Plus youdidn’t say if it was exactly two months after your birthday or not.”
He snorted under his breath, “Smart ass.” He then becameserious once more, “It would still be off, because at some point around middleschool I stopped wishing for it.”
Jo furrowed her brows when he didn’t continue, “Why?”
He looked up and met her eyes without any hesitation in hisvoice, “I knew he would kill her. I knew he’d find us and kill her, maybe us too,I don’t know. I just…I just knew.”
Jo nodded and wrapped her arms around herself, suddenlyfeeling cold, “The first time I left…” She paused, her heart racing as shethought back on it, “I thought it would be easy. I had been a street kid andused to nothing, but…he knew where to look for me. And he showed up like aprince on a white horse, you know?” She looked up at Alex, who was hanging onevery word, the sadness in his eyes too much for her, “He said he was sorry,that I deserved better, that he wanted me home with him, that he could dobetter, that he missed me. I believed him and in the time I had been with him Ihad gotten used to not being cold at night and having a warm meal and beingable to take a shower when I wanted.” She shrugged slightly and tried to keepthe bitterness out of her voice, “So I went back.”
She glanced up and wasn’t surprised to see that he had bentdown to avoid her eyes. She swallowed to try to ease the lump in her throat andwas surprised when he spoke, “How long were things okay?”
Jo laughed derisively, “He started beating me as soon as thedoor closed.” She licked her lip, almost able to taste blood there like she hadso many times all those years ago, “He said I had embarrassed him by him notknowing where his own wife was and that it wouldn’t happen again. He took mykeys and dumped my car somewhere and started keeping track of how much money Ihad. I left three more times before I finally got away.”
Alex nodded, his jaw clenching as he processed what she hadsaid, “I just don’t understand why you felt you couldn’t tell me.”
She shook her head as a single tear fell from her cheek, “I stillregret you knowing. If I could go back and do it over, I…I still may not haveever told you.” She watched as he leaned back in the chair, sighing heavily inagitation. She rubbed her eyes, feeling exhausted, “I would have told you a lotsooner that marriage wasn’t in the cards for me. That was selfish and I shouldhave let you find someone else.”
Alex’s eyes snapped up to meet hers, “Are you freakingserious right now? You’d just break it off and never tell me why? Why did youeven start dating me?”
“I had such strong feelings for you, more than I ever hadfor anyone, but I honestly thought there was no way the two of us would getthis far. I was sure you would have left me years ago.”
Alex snorted, “Yeah right, like that was ever going tohappen.”
There was an uneasy silence that settled over them for a fewmoments before Jo spoke, her voice cracking slightly, “I’m so very sorry, Alex.”
He looked up, his eyes shining with a trace of moisture, “Yeah,me too.” He rubbed his forehead, exhaustion starting to show for him too, “I domiss you, Jo. And I…I don’t know what I want, I wish I did, but…I do know that Imiss you.”
She licked her lips and nodded slightly as her eyesfluttered closed, “Me too.”
“Do you…,” he started shakily as if he was not sure how toword what he wanted to say, “Would you maybe tell me more? About it all? Atleast when you feel like talking about what….” He trailed off, seeming anxious,“Damn it, you know what I’m trying to say.”
Despite everything, she felt herself smile slightly, “Youwant to talk about it more?”
“I don’t want to push you,” he started, “I just…I feel likeI don’t know you as well as I thought I did.” He looked up to meet her eyes, “ButI want to.”
Jo sat in stunned silence at his words for a moment, “As afriend or are you saying that you….”
“A friend,” he interjected quickly, “For now anyway. I just….Idon’t know how I feel about the rest of it, but I’m saying if you want to talkabout it…I’m here.”
She nodded and looked away as she started to stand to putaway the leftover pizza, “That’s fair. I get it.”
She could feel Alex’s eyes on her as she fumbled around fora storage bag. She was focusing so much on trying not to cry that she didn’teven notice him standing and walking towards her. Jo jumped slightly when sheturned and almost ran into him, the pizza dropping to the floor as Alex reachedout to steady her; however, she still couldn’t look at him, upset with the coldtruth that there really wasn’t any hope left for them. His hands loosened fromher arms and he backed up a half step, but she could still feel his eyes onher, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s crap. What did I say wrong?” She shook her headquickly as she bent to pick up the bag of pizza, surprised at his soft,regretful voice, “I’m sorry, Jo, I just need time to….to think.”
“What is there to think about? People fall in love and theyfall out of love. Like you said, it’s no one’s fault. I just…I don’t know if Ican do the friendship thing with you.” She looked up so he could see how sorryshe was, but was taken back by the smile on his face, “What?”
“You think I just friendzoned you or something?”
“That’s what you said.”
He snorted, “Jeez, we do suck at communicating.” Shecontinued to stare blankly at him as the smile disappeared from his face and hetook a tentative step towards her, “I still…I still love you, Jo. I just don’tknow what to do with that right now.”
“You do?” She could feel her nose scrunch up in question, “I…”
He put his hands on his hips and tilted his head, his voiceraising in disbelief, “Do you really think I would have agreed to a ten yearprison sentence if I didn’t?”
She shook her head quickly, “I wasn’t sure if that was justabout me. I mean, other stuff could have gone into that decision…”
She trailed off as he shook his head in slight amusementbefore becoming serious again, “I wanted to protect you and do right by youbecause it would have been the right thing to do. But I also did it because Istill love you.”
Jo blinked furiously to keep the tears from falling, hervoice barely a whisper, “I love you too and it’s killing me.” In a heartbeatshe was wrapped in a tight hug, his hand stroking her back in an effort to calmher and probably himself too. They stayed that way for a while, each one’s mindracing with what they had learned and shared and hopes of what was to come.Before Jo could stop herself, she whispered in his ear, “Stay with me.”
He pulled back and looked at her questioningly, “That’s nota good idea.”
“You said you wanted to know more, right? I know you’re offtomorrow and I am too.”
“Jo…”
She pushed on, feeling more confident about her suggestionnow that she had a better idea of where they stood, “You remember how we usedto be when we would stay up till the wee hours of the morning talking abouteverything?”
Alex smirked, “We did more than just talking and you know it.”He sobered as he shook his head regretfully, “I’m just not ready for that.”
Jo rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips, “Yousaying you can’t spend the night with me and keep your hands to yourself?”
At this, he laughed, “Are you serious right now? You damnwell know the answer to that one.”
“Alex, we were friends for months where we talked all nightwhile drinking and goofing off and you never made a move on me. We can managethis.”
He continued to shake his head, “I’ve now had the forbiddenfruit though. There is no way I can sleep in the same bed with you and nottouch you, especially after not being with you for months.”
Jo smirked, “What part of talking did you not understand?Look, we’ll keep our clothes on and sit on opposite sides of the couch. And youcan ask me anything, I’ll be an open book. Or at least I’ll try to be.” Shewalked over to the couch and began placing throw pillows in the middle, “See,extra buffer.”
Alex watched her skeptically, “Jo, I’d love to, I just…” Hestopped when she raised up and stared at him. She saw the resistance melt awayslowly before he began walking towards her, “Okay…but keep your hands toyourself. And maybe we both need another beer.”
Jo smiled warmly and nodded in agreement. As he walked backto the refrigerator, she kept retrieving more pillows and brought over largerpillows from the bed, handing one to Alex in exchange for a beer. At hisquestioning glance, she shrugged, “In case we need to lean back. Don’t want usboth to end up hurting our necks.” He nodded and placed the large pillow in hislap, angling his body to be able to look at her without twisting. She took hertime getting situated, trying to stall a little bit as she knew theconversation was about to drain her. When she was sure she had all the suppliesshe would need including her throw, beer, and tissues, she looked up at himresolutely, “Alright, what do you want to hear first?”
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