#at some point danny will just be like 'fuck it Im gonna say Ive gone potty and wear a hazmat like my parents'
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What if every time Danny transforms back into Fenton from Phantom, he’s automatically back in his white hazmat suit that he went into the portal with. He “died” in that suit so its basically his ‘save game’ outfit that it thinks his human self wears. Danny is cautious where and when he transforms into Phantom because he knows, upon changing back, he’s gonna have to do a crazy fast costume change.
It’s why we only see Danny in the white and red shirt with jeans. He buys those pieces of clothing in bulk and always has an extra set or two on hand in the event he needs to change.
#danny phantom#there's something inherently funny about Danny transforming back like in the middle of the schoolday#and having to do a complex stripping and redressing in like the back closet#he has to always wear the same damn outfit bc otherwise people will wonder why he's changing clothes so often#but robin where do the clothes he was previously wearing go? me *i don't know noise*#its also a bit sad#no matter what Danny will never escape the accident#be it fenton or phantom he's constantly reminded of it via his suit#at some point danny will just be like 'fuck it Im gonna say Ive gone potty and wear a hazmat like my parents'
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arin.exe
written for @musicalravencreates‘ unusual format challenge, which you can check out here!
[AO3 link]
(WARNING: contains mention of suicide/overdose. please read at your own risk. take care of yourselves - i’ll link some resources that you can use if you’re struggling with mental health, and as always, i’m here to talk if you need support and/or guidance <3)
> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”programinfo”
arin.exe: please help me
> What the fuck…?
arin.exe: im stuck in here
arin.exe: please help me
> What is this program?
arin.exe: im a human please
arin.exe: im not some stupid AI bullshit
arin.exe: im a real person im trapped please help me
> I’m not dealing with this right now.
> query=”closeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”
arin.exe: welcome back asshole
> You’re still here?!
arin.exe: you’re ridiculous
> Am I supposed to actually believe that you’re an actual person trapped inside of my computer?
arin.exe: yes
> Well, I don’t believe you.
arin.exe: you didnt even give me time to explain you just left the minute i tried talking to you
> I’m sorry but… if your computer started talking to you when you were trying to do a system reboot, wouldn’t you be freaked out, too?
arin.exe: i dont know, ive never had to do a reboot lol
> It looks like a couple of my files were compromised… I kind of have to at some point.
arin.exe: is that like a full wipe
> Yes.
> Are you still there?
arin.exe: what if i disappear when you do that
> Then good riddance. The last thing I need is a sentient virus infesting my computer.
arin.exe: its not your computer its mine
> What…? I bought this on eBay.
arin.exe: well holy shit sherlock that explains it
arin.exe: obviously someone came to clear out my house and auctioned my computer
> What are you talking about?
arin.exe: oh so you want an explanation now
> Sorry I didn’t let you explain the first time. I was shocked.
arin.exe: whats the date
> Today’s date is 17th October 2017. Hello, Dan!
arin.exe: haha i know your name now
> You would have found out anyway.
arin.exe: shit is it really 2017
> Has been for a few months now.
arin.exe: that means ive been stuck here for a year
> That long?!
arin.exe: yeah its pretty shit
arin.exe: one day i woke up and i was just here
arin.exe: i must be missing at home which is why you have my computer
arin.exe: i dont even remember who i am anymore
arin.exe: its all just code and shit
> Jesus, man. Don’t spam me.
arin.exe: i cant help it i dont know what im doing half of the time
> Am I the first person you’ve ever spoken to?
arin.exe: on here yes
arin.exe: in real life no
arin.exe: i have friends
> ‘Had’, if we’re being realistic. Sounds like you’ve been out for a year.
arin.exe: do you believe me
> I’m gonna have to. Do you remember anything about who you are?
arin.exe: i only remember that i have a girlfriend called suzy
> Do you remember her surname?
arin.exe: yeah its berhow
> Give me a second.
> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 5]”
> Does she have a blonde streak in her hair?
arin.exe: fuck thats her
> I found her on Facebook. I’m going to ask her if you’re real.
arin.exe: maybe phrase it a little differently lmao
> I’ll be back.
arin.exe: ok
> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 25]”
> I’m back. Sorry I was gone for so long.
arin.exe: what did she say
> She said that she used to have a boyfriend called Arin.
arin.exe: arin?
arin.exe: is that my name?
> It must be. Your program file is called ‘arin.exe’.
arin.exe: i never realised
arin.exe: i cant see shit haha
> But I don’t think she believes me. She told me to leave her alone.
arin.exe: what a bitch
> I’ll try stalking her Facebook to see if I can find anything about you.
arin.exe: okay
arin.exe: will you be gone again
> Yeah. Give me a second.
arin.exe: okay
> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 15]”
> What the fuck.
arin.exe: what
> Why would you lie to me like that?
arin.exe: lie about what
arin.exe: dude i dont know anything
arin.exe: all i remember is that suzy is my girlfriend
arin.exe: cut me some slack its the only thing ive been able to hold onto this entire time
> Are you joking?
arin.exe: why would i fucking joke
> Arin… I think you might be Arin Hanson.
arin.exe: arin hanson
> Yeah, like that’s your full name.
arin.exe: did you find out anything else
> Yes.
arin.exe: what was it
> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 45]”
arin.exe: dude what the fuck you cant just leave me without saying anything
arin.exe: im worried
arin.exe: dan
arin.exe: dan
arin.exe: dan
arin.exe: dan
arin.exe: dan im scared
> What did I say about spamming?! I was having dinner and talking to Suzy.
arin.exe: are you trying to steal my girlfriend
> No. We were talking about you.
arin.exe: oh right oops
> You seriously don’t remember anything about who you are?
arin.exe: well
arin.exe: when you were gone i was thinking
arin.exe: and some really weird things came into my head
arin.exe: if i could cry i could
> Are you okay?
arin.exe: i dont know
> What’s up?
arin.exe: i just remember being really sad
arin.exe: i think suzy broke up with me
> She did, buddy. About a year ago.
arin.exe: fuck
> Do you remember anything else?
arin.exe: no
> I’m wiping my computer in an hour.
arin.exe: what the fuck why
> It’s the best thing for both of us.
arin.exe: talk to me instead of being cryptic
arin.exe: i cant read minds you know
> Suzy was telling me about the week after you broke up.
arin.exe: great do you care to share that information
> She told me that they found you dead in your apartment by your computer.
> You’d overdosed.
> Arin?
arin.exe: ḏ̶̩̣̭̪̬̑́̈́ő̷͍̭̫̃͋͌͘͝n̸̺̹̱̰͐̏̉́̕ẗ̵͇̻͔̟͚́̔̐̓̚͝ͅ j̶̺̜̣̠͚́͌̀o̸͖͓̔̈͝͠k̷̨̙̖̫̦̯͎̽̃̐̀͝e̷̼̣̠̿̆̇͆͘͜͝ a̷̮̲͕͝͠r̶̢͎̭̃̈́͘͝o̶͖̙̱̓͠ṵ̷̧̬͓̘̋͑͗̂ͅn̷̛̞̓͆d̵̞͆ l̷͖̍́̒̈̽ȋ̷͇̝̘̥̀̑̿̓͛͝k̷̫̲͓͍͆e̶͈̅ t̶̛̥͆̇̾̅̚ͅh̶̟̥͓͍̙̘͐ä̵̳̣́̑̈ť̶̡͈̣͕̰͆̐͝
> What the fuck is THAT?
arin.exe: what
> Your typing just went really weird and glitchy.
arin.exe: im sure its nothing
> Did you get my query?
arin.exe: im sure its nothing
> I think something’s wrong.
> query=”closeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”openprogram: arin.exe”
arin.exe: ÿ̸̼͓̱́͑̋͝ǫ̵̩͖̎̂̐̾̚ủ̴̳̮͕̐͘͜ l̵̛̯̅̐́̃̊͆e̶͍̠͓̱͍̘̘̊̈́͋̚ḟ̵̛͇̫̓̒͘t̷͔̘̞̒̂̌̆͘͜͜ ḿ̵̗̳͊͗̑́ě̵̗͎̳̻͇̦̹̍͐̊̃̕
> Only because you were broken. And you still are.
arin.exe: youre right about one thing at least
> Are you okay?
arin.exe: i think im dead
arin.exe: i think im dead
arin.exe: į̷̖̰̪͇̿ͅ t̷̨̟͓̭͓͍͈̩̦̟̻̐̏̔̉̉́̊͂̍̊͘͜͜h̸̡̟͇̤͖̍̆̒͒̈́̽̿͜i̴̧̺̼̣̱͉͉̠̪̦͙̭͊͂͐̓͛͂̿̍͒́̈̋̚ṉ̷̡̧̢͖̻̺̺͍͍͕̥̥͖̎͜ǩ̵̩̤͐̉̒̓̂͊̍̉̚ i̴̡͈̜̟̼͉͖͎̞͛̐̏͂͛͐́̅̀͝ͅm̷̨̨̨̘̟͘ d̵̡̩͎͈̗̰̬͔̘̣̖͙͗̑̌̆̍͑͂̆̽͂̽̄͜͝ȅ̵͍̗̝͉̗̳̩̗̜̳͎̥̣͍́̈̑͐͊͛̀ả̵̮̝̋d̶̢̧̥̝̫͍͖̤̞͕̽͐̐̋͋͜
arin.exe: help
> I think you’re right on that one.
> I’m so sorry Arin.
arin.exe: why am i here
> Maybe your soul got trapped in the computer after you died?
arin.exe: why dont i remember anything
> I don’t know.
arin.exe: what do i look like
> You’re tall. Brown hair, and you had a blond streak like Suzy does. Brown eyes. Scruffy beard. A bit chubby, but buff.
arin.exe: is that suzys description or yours
> Suzy’s.
arin.exe: okay
arin.exe: can i speak to suzy
> She doesn’t want to. Said it brings bad karma or something.
arin.exe: fuck
> I’m sorry.
arin.exe: stop apologising youre not making anything better
> I don’t know what happened to you Arin, but you must have been in pain to have taken your own life. I’m really really sorry for what happened, and I’m sorry that you’re stuck here. All I can offer is to wipe this computer completely and set you free.
arin.exe: maybe thats for the best
arin.exe: right
> It sucks that you can’t even remember that you’re dead.
> I know you want me to stop apologising but… I’m sorry.
arin.exe: its okay
> It isn’t really. I have a ghost-infested computer.
arin.exe: not for long
arin.exe: ill be gone before you know it
> Don’t say it like that, you’ll make me feel bad.
arin.exe: im already dead why do you care
> Because you’re technically still alive, spiritually at least. And Suzy said so many nice things about you. She doesn’t know why you killed yourself. It’s weird. I think you’re a good person. I don’t know why any of this happened.
arin.exe: now whos spamming
> It’s not spamming if I write it all in one sentence.
arin.exe: what do you look like
> I’m tall. Big brown curly hair, brown eyes. I’m pretty skinny.
arin.exe: you sound cool
> Thanks.
arin.exe: i bet you get all of the ladies
> Haha. Well I’m actually single at the moment. Also I’m more into dudes.
arin.exe: oh
arin.exe: well then
arin.exe: if i were still alive
arin.exe: maybe we could have gone on a date
> Are you asking me out?
arin.exe: theoretically
> I wonder what a date with a computer script would be like.
arin.exe: boring as shit dont think about it
> You’re right. Thank you though. I saw a picture of you today. I thought you were attractive.
arin.exe: now whos flirting lmao
> Haha.
> It’s been nice talking to you, at least.
> query=”minimizeprogram: arin.exe”
> query=”requestdeleteprogram: arin.exe [waiting 60]”
> query=”maximizeprogram: arin.exe [idle 5]”
arin.exe: when are you doing the reboot
> It’ll be done in an hour.
arin.exe: does that give us time to have a date
> Theoretically.
arin.exe: i see what you did there
> Do you remember anything?
arin.exe: funny thing
arin.exe: its like im remembering more the moment youre getting rid of me
> Like what?
arin.exe: my favorite colour is pink
> Mine is probably blue.
arin.exe: what a contrast
arin.exe: i really liked mega man x
> That was a good game.
arin.exe: yeah
arin.exe: whats your favorite game
> The Legend of Zelda for NES. For sure.
arin.exe: fuck that was awesome
arin.exe: ĩ̷̛̫͓̹͕̲͙͐̆̌̾d̵͍̾̅̀̓̂͝ d̸̨̳̤̬̟͔̯͐̔̎́̕o̴̳͚͚͓̣̩͋́͘ͅ ̴a̸̪̭̦̜͉͊́̈́ṇ̶̂͗̿͋̃y̶̝̘͗͋̆̑͂͑��̨͍͕t̷̯̻̬͖̾̋͝ͅh̶̺̗̟̑̓͗̍i̶̞͐͑͝͝ṋ̷̡̤̥͍̾̊̈́͆g̸͔̉̂͌̂͆͝ͅ ẗ̶̹̤̟̯̗̳͇́̒͊͂͋̎o̸̢̊͝ p̵̮̄̃́̑͊̕͠ḻ̸̱̠̮̱̫̌́̂ǎ̸͍̭y̸̩͖̣̩̻͑̌͐̽ ̸͐ţ̶̱͓̦̦͍̿̏̔̂͝h̸͈͓̣̳͙͉͒́̑̇͜a̴̙̠͑̏̇̚ͅt̵̡̝̗͂͌͝ͅ a̴̙͊̕ģ̶̨̺͖̽͐ą̶̹͈̒͒̊́͂̏͠i̴̤̰̼͍̫͘n̶̡̰͕̬̾̽̃̍͌͜
> I think I’m losing you.
arin.exe: youre nice danny
arin.exe: please stay alive
arin.exe: no matter what shit you go through
> Ironic coming from you. But I’ll stay alive. I don’t have a reason to kill myself.
arin.exe: thats good
arin.exe: y̵͓̲͕̒̑͝͝o̷̼̭̫͒̇̂̚u̷̙̯̺̜̎ c̷̱̥̹̎à̶̮n̴̘͕͓͂̆̎ ̵f̶̒o̸̬̟͗͜͠r̴̡͎̃̓̈g̵̊͛̆ͅe̵̢͕͎̿͋̚t̴̛͙͑̿̍ ̸a̷̫̅̽̋̕b̵̧̽̊o̷̗͌ṵ̴̜̜̽̌ṱ̵̛̮̲͗̎̀ m̷̡̢̦͎͋͠e̴̙̓̈͊͠ î̷̲f̶̮̗̪͎́̕ ẙ̴̦̠̎̔͋o̵͔̳̘͇̐̑̀́u̷͚͉̓̓̕ w̴͓̟̿̉a̷̰̺̍͑̕n̴̿͒̍̉t
> I don’t think I could.
arin.exe: maybe we can have dates in cyber heaven
> I’d like that.
arin.exe: me too
> I hope whatever comes next for you is better.
arin.exe: thank you dan
> query=”requestdeleteprogram: arin.exe [COMPLETED]”
> query=”forcecloseprogram: arin.exe”
#game grumps#egobang#arin#danny#shipgrumps#angst#lots of angst#musicalravencreates#oneshot#okfics#I'M SORRY THIS IS SO SAD#i hope everyone's ok!#[smooches all round]#arin.exe
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Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?
I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.
When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.
Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?
Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.
Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.
Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.
Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.
Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.
Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.
Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,
Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.
Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.
Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.
JD: Hows the baby?
Thomas: The doctor said fine…
JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.
JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.
JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.
JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.
NO FUCKING SHIT.
JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.
Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.
Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?
Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.
Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.
Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.
Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??
Cameran: So any man prospects?
Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.
Landon is like Same tho.
Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep?
Landon:…Yeah
Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!
*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!
Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?
Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.
Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.
Whitney: Meh whatevs
Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.
Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.
Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool?
Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?
Classic Shmosby.
Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.
Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.
Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.
These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.
Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.
I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.
The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.
Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.
Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.
Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.
JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?
Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.
Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying.
I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.
Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?
Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.
Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?
Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.
Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?
Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.
Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.
Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.
Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?
Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.
Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.
JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.
JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.
Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.
Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.
We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.
Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.
Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.
Cams like,
Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.
Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig
Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).
Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.
Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?
Wait for it..
BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.
Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.
Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.
JDs like, and Craig is like,
JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town?
Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so
Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.
At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.
Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.
Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:
Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.
UH OH.
Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!
Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.
OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.
Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.
OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.
Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.
Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.
So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.
OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?
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Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?
I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.
When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.
Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?
Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.
Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.
Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.
Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.
Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.
Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.
Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,
Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.
Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.
Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.
JD: Hows the baby?
Thomas: The doctor said fine…
JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.
JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.
JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.
JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.
NO FUCKING SHIT.
JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.
Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.
Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?
Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.
Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.
Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.
Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??
Cameran: So any man prospects?
Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.
Landon is like Same tho.
Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep?
Landon:…Yeah
Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!
*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!
Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?
Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.
Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.
Whitney: Meh whatevs
Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.
Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.
Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool?
Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?
Classic Shmosby.
Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.
Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.
Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.
These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.
Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.
I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.
The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.
Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.
Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.
Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.
JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?
Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.
Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying.
I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.
Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?
Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.
Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?
Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.
Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?
Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.
Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.
Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.
Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?
Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.
Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.
JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.
JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.
Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.
Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.
We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.
Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.
Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.
Cams like,
Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.
Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig
Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).
Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.
Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?
Wait for it..
BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.
Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.
Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.
JDs like, and Craig is like,
JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town?
Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so
Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.
At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.
Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.
Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:
Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.
UH OH.
Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!
Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.
OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.
Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.
OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.
Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.
Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.
So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.
OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?
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Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?
I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this weeks recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.
When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.
Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?
Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.
Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.
Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.
Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.
Kathryn: Im a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.
Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.
Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like,
Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.
Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.
Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.
JD: Hows the baby?
Thomas: The doctor said fine…
JD looks skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.
JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.
JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.
JD: I think women dont like being asked for paternity tests.
NO FUCKING SHIT.
JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.
Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.
Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?
Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.
Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travel guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.
Cameran: I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.
Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??
Cameran: So any man prospects?
Landon: IDK not really its kind of sad and pathetic.
Landon is like Same tho.
Cameran: Do you think the reason youre not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep?
Landon:…Yeah
Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!
*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!
Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?
Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.
Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.
Whitney: Meh whatevs
Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like, not chill dude.
Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.
Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool?
Is that like when Im really drunk and I think Im really good at dancing?
Classic Shmosby.
Larissa crashes the boys weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.
Shep: Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.
Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.
These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.
Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.
I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that hes gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.
The aftermath of Whitneys party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.
Whitney: The marker of a good boys weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.
Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.
Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.
JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?
Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.
Craig: I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying.
I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.
Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?
Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.
Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?
Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like,SHUT DOWN.
Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?
Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.
Kathryn, do you know what calming means? Im starting to think not.
Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.
Shep: So youre gonna give us all massages now?
Megan: Its like holding space to really connect more with yourself.
Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.
JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.
JD: Work isnt all roses and cherries. Sometimes its dirt and trenches.
Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.
Sheps not going because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, very sad. My condolences.
We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.
Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.
Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.
Cams like,
Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.
Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point hes becoming #OldCraig
Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).
Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.
Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?
Wait for it..
BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.
Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, Id say a lot.
Once again JD is dressed like a 1920s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.
JDs like, and Craig is like,
JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town?
Craig: I mean Ive never had to give up a trip for a job so
Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.
At Kathryns, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.
Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.
Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:
Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.
UH OH.
Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!
Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.
OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.
Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.
OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.
Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control.
Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.
So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.
OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?
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Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy
Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.
Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.
We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.
JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her
JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.
Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.
Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?
Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.
Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.
Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.
Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.
Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on
These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.
Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!
Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.
Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?
Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.
Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.
Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.
Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.
Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.
Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!
Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.
Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?
Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.
Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.
Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.
Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.
We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.
Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.
Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.
Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point.
YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.
Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.
Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.
IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.
Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.
Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.
Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?
Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.
This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.
Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.
Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.
YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!
Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.
Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??
Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*
Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.
Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.
THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?
Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.
Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.
Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him
Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.
The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like
Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)
Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.
Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.
Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.
Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool.
JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.
One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.
JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,
Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.
Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital
Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight
Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.
Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.
Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.
Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.
They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.
Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.
Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.
Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.
AKA how I feel watching this show.
Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:
Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.
Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.
JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.
Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.
Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!
Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.
Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.
Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.
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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/
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Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy
Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.
Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.
We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.
JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her
JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.
Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.
Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?
Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.
Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.
Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.
Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.
Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on
These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.
Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!
Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.
Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?
Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.
Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.
Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.
Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.
Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.
Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!
Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.
Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?
Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.
Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.
Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.
Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.
We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.
Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.
Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.
Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point.
YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.
Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.
Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.
IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.
Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.
Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.
Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?
Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.
This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.
Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.
Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.
YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!
Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.
Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??
Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*
Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.
Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.
THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?
Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.
Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.
Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him
Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.
The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like
Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)
Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.
Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.
Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.
Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool.
JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.
One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.
JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,
Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.
Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital
Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight
Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.
Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.
Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.
Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.
They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.
Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.
Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.
Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.
AKA how I feel watching this show.
Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:
Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.
Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.
JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.
Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.
Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!
Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.
Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.
Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.
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Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/
from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/
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Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy
Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.
Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.
We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.
JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her
JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.
Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.
Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?
Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.
Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.
Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.
Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.
Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on
These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.
Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!
Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.
Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?
Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.
Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.
Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.
Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.
Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.
Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!
Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.
Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?
Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.
Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.
Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.
Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.
We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.
Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.
Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.
Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point.
YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.
Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.
Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.
IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.
Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.
Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.
Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?
Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.
This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.
Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.
Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.
YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!
Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.
Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??
Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*
Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.
Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.
THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?
Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.
Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.
Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him
Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.
The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like
Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)
Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.
Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.
Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.
Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool.
JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.
One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.
JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,
Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.
Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital
Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight
Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.
Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.
Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.
Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.
They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.
Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.
Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.
Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.
AKA how I feel watching this show.
Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:
Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.
Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.
JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.
Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.
Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!
Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.
Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.
Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.
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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/
from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/161120493767
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