#at this point im too tired to cry i just want things and life to be over i feel so done
mind of mine masterlist
summary: jungkook convinces you to take a staycation with him for a few days (a week).
pairing: “badboy” jk x “shy/reserved” oc
warnings: cursing, alc, excessive use of pet names, oc and jk discuss their unprotected sex practices, vomiting, some jealous jk, mild exhibitionism, fingers in oc's mouth grinding, making out, oral (m), titjob
word count: 7k
a/n: if you want to be tagged, send an ask plz. would love to hear your thoughts. also...cant believe mom manifested into butter jk im in pain
Jungkook is unsurprised to enter your home with the key you’d given him the other week and find it completely empty. You’ve been working early mornings and incredibly late nights for the last week and a half, and he can tell it’s beginning to take a toll on you. The first sign that you were beginning to wear down was when you had skipped dinner in favor of sleeping. The second was when you had snapped at him in irritation and then immediately cried over hurting his feelings.
He can think of about a dozen other things, including the even more pronounced bags under your eyes. You’ve always had dark circles under your eyes naturally from hyperpigmentation but these days, not even concealer can help you mask them.
In fact, the reason that you’d even given him a key was because you felt like work was taking over your entire life. You’d hardly had a chance to see anyone who wasn’t a work colleague, and you just missed Jungkook. At least this way, you could wake up and go to bed with him.
You had only been calling Jungkook your partner just shy of four months, and he had a key to your home. Perhaps it was fast for other people, but with him, it felt right. So he keeps a copy of your keys on his lanyard- it’s possibly his most prized possession right now. Jungkook usually only comes when you ask him to, he’s been staying at your place for the last week because of how tired and busy you were.
Usually you stop by the tattoo parlor at least once or twice a week, but you have been sparse because of work. So he’s here, in your home without you. It felt strange the first few times he’d been here without you, but then he started leaving little pockets of himself- his shoes next to yours, his hair product on your shelf, and his two of his jackets hanging near yours in the closet. He’d even purchased a new plant to keep on your windowsill in your living room (which you take turns dutifully watering and making sure she gets enough sunlight).
It’s all very domestic. He had jokingly told you not to expose him to your shared friends, specifically Mina and Mei. To which you had rolled your eyes.
Though some small, very small, part of him wonders if the magic will fade away soon. Considering how fast you both are moving both physically into your home and in your relationship.
It’s only been a few months, and you both were incredibly comfortable with the idea of unprotected sex- after all, Jungkook always pulls out in time. Until, of course, you’d had a pregnancy scare. Hoseok and Yoongi, ever the pair of realists, had scolded him when Jungkook had revealed that you both hardly ever used any protection-
“Are you trying to knock her up? Is that it? You both ready to potentially be parents?” Yoongi says mildly as he polishes off his wine, looking at Jungkook expectantly. Jungkook’s cheeks burn.
“No, I’m not trying to knock her up and no, nobody’s trying to be parents-”
“You both are lucky you haven’t knocked her up already,” Hoseok says, with more heat in his voice, “You both are fucking stupid, but you especially.” He even smacks the back of his head with the book in his hands and Jungkook glares at him.
“Hey, my pull out game has always been strong, and I’m serious about her. We wouldn’t fuck raw if-”
“Oh, yes, then we definitely have nothing to worry about,” Yoongi says, “Keep it moving, Hobi.
“Talk to her about it, or else,” Hoseok threatens, “I don’t wanna hear about another pregnancy scare because you’re both idiots.”
“I know, I know,” Jungkook relents, “We’ve been talking about it. It just sucks that birth control can fuck up a woman’s body like that, you know? Mood changes and appetite changes, nausea and everything…”
“You could always get a vasectomy,” Yoongi says bluntly.
“Mei said the same thing. She was way more mean about it, though. Told me she’d cut my balls off if I didn’t get my shit together.”
“I don’t blame her, considering what a mess you both were last month.”
“We were not a mess!”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so stressed ever in your life, not even when your first bike got run over by a car. Or when your tattoo got infected three consecutive times. And I’ve never seen her cry so much before.”
“Alright, maybe we’re a little bit of a mess.”
In the end, you and Jungkook had both decided that yes, condoms were probably a good idea. Considering the pregnancy scare you had last month, you both were on edge and a little paranoid. Jungkook hadn’t even mentioned the idea of you taking birth control or getting an IUD, knowing that your last few experiences with the former were unpleasant-
“I can get a vasectomy, you know. In fact, Yoongi suggested it,” Jungkook shrugs nonchalantly but your jaw drops.
“Jungkook. I don’t think vasectomies are reversible like that. Think about what you’re saying,” You murmur, “I’m touched you’d consider a surgical procedure so I don’t have to take birth control, but what if-”
“I looked it up, they can be reversed-”
“But Jungkook! You don’t know that, what if you want to have kids later and you can’t because you decided on a fucking whim to get a vasectomy? It’s still trauma on your body! You can’t just snip snap, snip snap your vas deferens tube whenever you please. At least with birth control you can start and stop it, even if that’s not a completely benign process.”
Jungkook looks at you long and hard, his tongue poking his cheek and you sigh. “But I don’t-”
“Honey. I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” You murmur, squeezing his hands in yours, “But we’re both being stupid. We’re both acting like condoms don’t exist. Why don’t we start with condoms and then think about getting your tubes tied or me getting an IUD?”
“You spoiled me,” Jungkook complains dramatically and drops his head to your chest, “With your pussy. I’m spoiled now.”
And so now, a box of condoms sits in the drawer of your nightstand and you’ve taken to bringing a few with you in your purse as well (and so does he). You’d been far more nervous buying condoms than you’d ever been of buying anything else, and Jungkook had only cockily grinned at you.
Today’s Friday and it’s the day of your deadline. Meaning that you’d hopefully be home soon and be his for the rest of the weekend. He fully plans on getting you to relax and stay in for the majority of the weekend, so that you can catch up on sleep.
But then you come home past dinner (you had sent him a text earlier telling him that you were going to be late. He knows your mood is sour- you had been in a foul mood all week, and the fact that you’re so close to being home but so far just makes it worse). You come home with an empty belly, a weary mind and wetness along your lash line. Climbing into bed next to him, you circle your arms around his waist and cry tiredly into his chest.
“J-Jungkook,” You hiccup, “I’m so tired, they kept me s-so late today but it’s done. Everything is finished-”
“Oh, baby,” He sighs, rubbing your back soothingly, “It’s okay. We can just sleep now. You should take a few days off next week, baby.”
“I don’t know…” But your eyes are wide and considering it.
“You’ve been running on empty all week,” Jungkook points out, “For longer than that. Your job can handle two or three days without you while you recharge. Text your boss, baby. You need to rest, too.”
He nudges your cheek with his nose and you hum in agreement. “Okay. Five day weekend? Sure you won’t get tired of me?” You murmur and laugh when he squeezes your waist.
“We can make it a staycation.”
And you’re already texting your boss, telling her that you needed a few days off next week. She gives you a thumbs up and encourages you to rest up, making it a point to recognize how hard you’ve been working. She even suggests you take the full week off, which you jump at and Jungkook only grins at you.
“My brilliant girl, charming her way into a full week off.”
You swat his hand away and hide your burning but satisfied face in his chest. “Yeah, your bad habits are rubbing off on me.”
“Oh, that’s not the only thing rubbing off on you,” Jungkook says wickedly and pushes his hips into yours, earning a fierce pinch to his bare waist.
“Hush, I’m trying to nap,” You mumble, your voice muffled. Without warning, you lick his neck and bite lightly at the base of his neck, ignoring his soft yelp. He doesn’t have a chance to question you on what that was, as you’re already falling asleep.
You’ve always thought from the beginning, even when you and Jungkook were just friends, that he was an ass man. You’ve caught him staring at your ass many, many times- in jeans, in a dress, in a skirt. And now that you both are officially together, he spends any and every moment he can with a hand on your ass. Casually, when you both walk side by side. And purposefully when you’re both just in his bed or on your couch. His hand is a well known presence on your ass, not that you’re complaining.
One of Jungkook’s favorite places to nap is on your ass, with his cheek pressed into you and one hand firmly gripping your ass. He also likes laying with his head on your lap. But his favorite place to nap is with his head buried in your chest, specifically buried in between your tits. He is currently analyzing his hypothesis that your right tit is smaller than your left, a thought he’s had for a while now, but needs further samples of evidence to properly assess.
But he’s always had an affinity for your tits, whether you’re blissfully unaware of it or not. You don’t notice it not really- you like any and all of his touches on any inch of your skin, as you’ve told him many times before. Especially when he holds you close next to him or under him and you feel protected, surrounded by only him.
He holds you, looks at you as if you’re as soothing as the sea and as bright as a supernova. And yet, the universe is contained in his big, doe eyes.
But really, at the end of the day, it’s an affinity for you. Jungkook loves every part of your mind, body, and soul, and he thinks he has for a long time. His heart has been tangled with yours since the first time he had seen you years ago at Hobi’s surprise birthday party that you had planned. Jungkook is sure that when he had seen you with a homemade red velvet cheesecake with a ‘Happy Birthday Hobi <3’ written perfectly in red icing in your arms, a silly party hat on your head, and a shy, beaming smile on your lips, he had been magnetized to your center of gravity from then on.
But even then, he had only hovered. Barely introducing himself, if it weren’t for Mina and Mei. He thought he had known girls like you- girls who baked cakes, planned elaborate birthday parties for their friends and wore flowery dresses liked other predictable people. It’s another one of his hypotheses (which has been clearly debunked)- but by now, he knows not to be so judgmental of others.
But he doesn’t dwell on that for long. Even the first time he met you, right after he had introduced himself to you and you had stared at him with starstruck eyes and stammered a quiet ‘hello’ in return, Sora had cornered him. And told him to back off from right then, that you were off limits. That you’d never be interested in a guy like him, so to not even spend a second in his stupid little mind even entertaining the ridiculous idea.
So he backed off subconsciously, thinking it wasn’t worth it to even know you as a friend. He’d convinced himself that it was too much trouble, and Jungkook has always been an easygoing kind of guy in most instances. After all, your best friend would know you best, right? And really, what did he care? As the saying goes, there were about a million other fish in the sea.
However. Even then, with each word uttered between you both, with each laugh that he pulled from your soft mouth, he couldn’t help the reluctant fondness for you that began to bloom. You had surprised him every few months after that, just saying hello at events that you were both present at and asking how he was. With that stupidly beautiful smile and those bright, shy eyes.
You were a smart, kind woman, always remembering details about others. And he was no exception.
That was years ago. He’s known you since your third year at university, hanging by a thread just outside your orbit. But this is now.
This is now, and your lips are against his neck, your chest pressed to his. You climb into his lap haphazardly, nearly knocking your mug off of the coffee table. You both have only just woken up and stumbled out of bed for coffee and breakfast. You had combed the tangles out of his bedhead with his head in your lap, but now sleepiness has washed away and you’re tugging at his oversized shirt.
You promptly bite him, right where his neck tattoo starts and ends. Jungkook meets your eyes with an incredulous, breathy laugh. “What’s gotten into you?” He murmurs, palming your chest from under your shirt.
“Nothing. You just have a very biteable neck, I told you,” You say, resuming your inspection of the vein next to his tattoo, “What a juicy jugular vein-”
Jungkook holds your wrist and flips you so that your back is on the couch. “My sexy vampire girlfriend. Love when she starts talking about my jugular vein.”
“Watch out, I might drink from it. You never know,” You giggle with a wink, squirming in his grip.
“You can do whatever you want,” Jungkook murmurs but then an idea that has been planted in his head for weeks now spills from his lips without him meaning to, “I wanna fuck your tits, baby.”
Your eyes go comically wide, mimicking Jungkook’s own. His cheeks are a little pink from his abrupt confession as silence falls between you both.
“That’s really interesting,” You muse.
“Is it?” He asks, feeling a little lightheaded. You tug a little at his purple locks to pull him down to you.
“Yeah. Always thought you liked booty. And legs,” You shrug, “But I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised.”
Jungkook’s throat is too dry for him to reply coherently. But he finds his voice after you give him a reassuring smile, “Uh, when it’s you, I like everything.”
“Me too. When it’s you, I like everything,” You mumble, heat rising in your cheeks, “And uh… you can. Do that I mean.”
“Do what?” He asks teasingly, tilting his head to the side.
“Don’t play dumb,” You whine, shoving his shoulder.
“C’mon say it,” Jungkook jeers, not unkindly, “Put your big girl panties on.”
“I hate you,” You sigh dramatically, “Fine. You can fuck my tits, if you so desire.” His face splits into a grin as he thumbs your chin and ducks his head into your neck. He playfully nips at your skin, murmuring that he’s just giving you a taste of your own medicine, but you feel his half hard cock pressing against your thigh.
The image of his cock wet and slick between your tits is now imprinted in your mind, and when both of you want something, you’ll surely get it.
Despite your eagerness of making Jungkook’s wish a reality, neither of you have had the chance for your usual shenanigans just yet. You still have quite a few days of your staycation left, so you won’t rush it. You had spent most of the first two days sleeping, cuddling, spooning, eating and lots and lots of slow sex.
You think you can count on one hand the number of times you’ve left your bed. Jungkook has been nothing short of wonderful, bringing you food (just this once, you hate eating while in bed), giving you shoulder rubs and booty rubs without you asking. Your favorite ice cream is in your freezer. Life is good.
His shirt hangs off of your shoulder and you’re too lazy to fix it. In fact you’re too lazy for pajama bottoms, only settling on your favorite pair of comfortable panties (nothing flashy. Just a standard black cotton panty) to wear under your shirt. One might even call them granny panties or whatever, but lace was uncomfortable on your skin. Lace and thongs are for very, very special occasions (hardly if ever) and you are in the comfort of your own home. You’ll be comfortable if it’s the last thing you do.
In fact, you’re too lazy to even raise your head to pucker your lips for a kiss from Jungkook. You only open your arms and hum, as if he’s supposed to telepathically know what you want from him. But he does, and he flops onto you once he tugs his shirt off. Jungkook’s face remains buried in your chest as you gently rub his scalp.
He hums happily, nearly purring at your touch and shoves himself closer into your hold. You can’t believe this man, the man who mildly intimidated you for years, is now in your arms and purring like a baby kitten. He’s admitted a few times that his scalp has been irritated and inflamed ever since he dyed his hair purple. One of his favorite things is to lay in your lap while you massage a mix of coconut oil and peppermint oil into his scalp.
He looks up at you, warm heat blazing in his eyes. You’re about to ask him what he’s thinking about but he palms your pussy from under your shirt- your still swollen, puffy pussy from the four times he’s made you cum already.
“Can I help you, Jungkook,” You ask flatly, but your poker face breaks when he dots you with kisses up and down your thighs.
“Yeah, fuck,” Jungkook groans, voice slowing to a whine, “I’m still hard, baby, fuck. Help me.”
“How are you still hard,” You wonder with a grin, “Damn, Jeon. You must really like me, huh?”
“If that wasn’t obvious then I’m clearly not doing something right here,” He breathes into your skin.
“Gimme a kiss then,” You murmur, pushing his long hair behind his ear. His eyebrow piercing glints in the light of your bedroom and you trace it gently with your fingertips. Jungkook desperately pushes his lips to yours, parting your lips easily and slipping his tongue into your mouth. He kisses your teeth hungrily, strands of his hair brushing against your cheeks.
His hips roll into yours impatiently, hands already pawing at your shirt. The air in your bedroom is suddenly so stifling, thick and nearly choking you both with the intensity of your desire. You just want him to feel good with you.
“Jungkook,” You say softly with warm cheeks, “You can use me, however you want. Tell me what you want, bunny.”
He lets out a quiet gasp, his eyes bright and wide.
You’re both on the same page, because he’s scrambling to chuck his boxers to the side and you’re tossing your shirt on top of his boxers.
“Fuuuck,” Jungkook groans. He’s breathless, heart racing erratically. All he can do is hold your shoulders as he watches with a piercing, hazy gaze as his cock is swallowed in between your tits. You squeeze them tightly together, trying to create as much friction as you can for him.
“Fuck,” He whines, “Fuck, you look so good, baby. O-oh, shit, my pretty baby, you’re pretty-”
Jungkook nearly cums when you mischievously stick your tongue out to brush against the head of his leaking cock. The visual is almost too much for him and his breaths are choked, strangled as he forces himself to look into your dark eyes.
“So big, bunny, look,” You say softly, “You like this? You’re so hot like this…”
He’s nearly in tears, eyes shining and wet at how good this feels. If your pussy was a slice of heaven, then your tits were the next best thing. You moan softly, feeling your own wetness and heat pooling. Jungkook’s cheeks and chest are flushed, eyes wild and wet as he slides his cock in between the valley of your tits languidly. Almost as if he doesn’t want the moment to end.
You’re so warm, warm everywhere.
His muscles are tense, the furrow in his brow beginning to appear when he’s about to cum. “Shit, baby, oh my god, I love your tits,” Jungkook moans, tossing his head back, “Fuck, I love everything about you-”
You don’t know how he’s able to form coherent sentences to you when he’s this close to cumming. But he’s always been a man of many talents.
“You know what I just realized,” You gasp suddenly, “Neither of us made it official that we’re dating. Like I never asked you ‘out’ and you never asked me ‘out’-”
“Fuck, you talk too much,” Jungkook nearly snarls, “My cock is literally in between your tits and I’m about to fucking cum all over you and you think I belong to anyone else?”
You swallow thickly, Jungkook narrowing his eyes at you. He looks intimidating and intense above you, his powerful, golden thighs straddling either side of you.
“N-no, I was just-”
Jungkook shoots you a glare, reaches behind him and gathers your wetness with two fingers. Before you can ask him what he’s doing, he pushes two fingers into your mouth to shut you up. You send him a glare right back, but it melts away quickly when you swirl your tongue and suck on his digits.
He cums without warning, hastily and with a broken sort of sound ripping from his throat. It’s warm and sticky as it lands on your chest and your cheek. But he cums so much and much to your chagrin some of his cum gets in your eye and you nearly shriek at the burn.
“Jungkook! What the hell, your cum is in my fucking eyeball-”
He’s still panting above you, like some sort of golden boy, and it takes him a few seconds to register your irritation. “Oh shit,” Jungkook says and jumps into action. He tugs you into the bathroom to gently wash your eye for you (after washing his own hands), with you grumbling the entire time.
“I’m sorry, baby,” He says sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. You roll your eyes and demand to be taken back to bed and lavished in kisses as penance for his cum shooting into your eye.
Jungkook tastes himself a little when his tongue slips into your mouth, but it hardly registers as he rolls on top of you, caging you in between his arms.
Jungkook fleetingly thinks he should’ve spent more time trying to convince you to stay home with him. Maybe with a few soft, long kisses to your neck, he might have. You looked delectable, good enough to eat- your dress fitted around your hips, nails, hair, and makeup done, the scent of your perfume subtle but not irritating to his sensitive nose.
You had asked him to pick what jewelry to wear, so one of his long necklaces sitting around your neck and disappearing into the valley of your chest. It doesn’t really match with your dress, but you don’t care.
And Jungkook… well, it was difficult for you to keep your hands off of him as well. His hair is tied back into a neat ponytail, he’s wearing a sequined black (fitted) button up with the top four buttons undone, a thick, silver chain and ripped, black jeans. Your eyes are glued to his chest and he knows it- you can’t help but grip his arm, his bicep whenever you can.
Neither of you really enjoyed the club scene, but you had wanted to go out since it had been a really long time and after all, you were on your staycation. Mei had planted the idea in your head, and so now here Jungkook was.
Here he was, catching flashes off the satin, coral colored wrap dress that you were encased in. For someone who doesn’t like the scene, you blend in effortlessly. But you’re a grown woman, so he takes his eyes off of you and orders a round of shots for him, Jimin, Taehyung and Jin while nursing a bottle of soju.
In the midst of the thumping bass bouncing off of the walls in the club, you’re only aware of you and Mei while you both sing along to whatever song is blasting through the club. Mina disappeared a while ago, presumably to find Jimin.
You’re holding two drinks, one in each hand, and all you feel is the vibrations of the club. Along with your own drunkenness. Mei holds your arm to keep you steady as you move your hips in time with hers. You laugh loudly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders at something she said. Everything is amplified and muted at the same time, the swirl of alcohol settling comfortably in your veins.
You’re having a great time with your friends, dancing, swirling, singing and drinking. It’s a nice night to unwind, in the company of dear friends and strangers.
“Hey,” Mei murmurs in your ear, “I gotta pee and I’m gonna go find Seulgi-”
“You can just say that you wanna go find her,” You giggle, “Don’t blame your bladder on it, Mei.”
“Oh, you’re funny. I’ll text Jungkook and tell him to come find you, alright?” Mei says, patting your head. You nod and tell her to go find her girl, and she does. Leaving you to your own devices for a bit, at least until Jungkook makes his way to you.
However, what neither of you realize is that the cell reception in this building is terrible. Mei’s text never goes through and you stay in your bubble, with your two drinks in your hands and bounce along to the music.
You’re not sure how much time goes by, but it feels like you’ve been alone for quite a while. You squint your eyes at your phone to check the time and send a text to Jungkook. A text that never goes through. You frown and are about to turn on your heel to link up with your man (wherever he might be), but you hear a surprised call of your name.
It’s hard to keep the incredulity out of your face when you come face to face with Yunho, the man who had stood you up all those months ago. The air has almost been punched out of your lungs, and you have to squint at him to believe what you’re seeing.
He calls your name again, giving you a wave and a bright smile. “Funny seeing you here, huh?”
“Can I buy you a drink? I feel like I owe it to you after…” His eyes are sincere. At least you think so, with your drunk goggles on.
“I don’t know, Yunho, it’s okay…” You mumble unsurely, “Isn’t this weird?”
“It’s only weird if we make it weird,” Yunho says and pulls a chuckle out of you.
“Oh, alright. I guess a drink won’t hurt,” You shrug and lead the way to the bar. The least he can do for you after standing you up and hurting your feelings is buy you a drink, you think.
“Hey listen, I owe you an apology,” Yunho says, sliding your drink towards you.
“Oh, it’s- it was a long time ago,” You shrug, avoiding his eyes. Sure, it was a hit to your ego, but in hindsight it doesn’t matter. Not when you have Jungkook. Honestly, you’ve forgotten that Yunho had even been a blip in your radar once upon a time. It was only because of Sora, anyway.
“I had something urgent come up last minute that day and I asked Sora to tell you,” Yunho continues, “I’m sorry I didn’t follow up or even reach out to you after. But I’d heard that you were with Jeon now, so didn’t want to… overstep, I guess.”
And even through your drunken haze, you understand. You sigh deeply, pinching the bridge of your nose.
“Oh boy,” You groan, “Sora never told me about that but we’re not close anymore, Yunho. It’s okay, I understand. I’m sorry she got you, too.”
Yunho’s lips part in surprise, “She didn’t… Alright. What’s done is done, I guess.”
“Yeah,” You murmur airily, “And yes, I am with Jeon. Though I can’t seem to find him…”
“I’m happy to keep you company until you do.”
Despite how well you and Yunho seem to hit it off (most of your time spent bitching about Sora), you can’t help but think of Jungkook. You quite miss him, not having seen him all night in the club. You want to dance with him, and little do you know that he’s been scouring the entire club for you in a frenzy once he ran into Mei and Mina and hadn’t seen you with them.
He had sent them a glare, his jaw clenched and walked away to find you. So when his eyes finally land on you at the bar, after about twenty-five minutes of searching and trying to get through strings of people around you, his heart soars. But he sees you laughing with someone else at the bar. With Yunho.
Jealousy is petty, he tells himself. But he struggles to keep it at bay as it rears its head and comforts him. He’s always been protective and possessive of those he loves and cherishes. You’re definitely no exception.
You wobble a little on your feet, but you hold your own. Even from here, he can see the drunkenness of your smile, beads of sweat as they race down your neck to hide in the valley of your breasts. He zeroes in on your necklace (his) around your neck and reminds himself. It’s his necklace that you’re wearing, after all.
Then why is the man who stood you up all those months ago making you laugh like that?
You must have a sixth sense or something for him, because you turn your head a bit as if you can sense him. Your entire face lights up when you see him, in a way that makes his tough heart swell in adoration.
You make your way over to him with your drink and peck his lips chastely, despite his desire to pull you into his arms and kiss you long enough that your knees buckle. So that Yunho sees that he is yours.
“You disappeared on me, baby,” Jungkook murmurs, adjusting your necklace. He’s gripping it tightly, but you don’t notice.
“I was with Yunho, remember him? ‘Member, he stood me up but he didn’t because it was Sora’s fault-”
“That’s no surprise,” Jungkook says, rolling his eyes. You take his hand, squeezing and introduce him to Yunho. As if he doesn’t know him already. Jungkook’s tongue pokes the inside of his cheek, his jaw clenched. He doesn’t like how Yunho looks at you, how his gaze lingers on your skin and the curves of your dress. You lean against Jungkook heavily, absently playing with his fingers. You stay mostly quiet, sipping your drink as the two men speak (rather tersely).
Jungkook knows he’s being ridiculous.
“Kook, finish my drink?” You murmur, offering him the glass. Jungkook maintains eye contact with Yunho as he downs the remainder of your drink in a few solid gulps.
“Was nice to see you, Yunho,” You say, “I think Jimin and Mina are looking for us, Jungkook. Enjoy the rest of your night.”
With that Jungkook firmly holds your waist, keeping you close to him. You both know that neither Jimin nor Mina are looking for either of you. You’d only wanted to be alone with Jungkook.
So Jungkook leads you to a spot where he knows Yunho can visibly see you both. You let loose, giggling as Jungkook twirls you easily and moving your arms to match the beat of the music. He makes you laugh with his moves, winking at you and shooting finger guns at you as he twirls and swivels around you. He’s always been a great dancer, you realize. That’s funny, because you’re sometimes clumsy on your own two feet. He pulls you into him, his chest to your back and his hips pressed against your ass. You sigh contentedly, head lolling against his shoulder and you rest your hand over his hand to let him lead you.
His nose is buried in your neck, lips lightly brushing your pulse. He bites your earlobe gently, earning a soft laugh from you. Jungkook tilts your jaw to the side to meet your eyes and plants a deep kiss to your glossy lips. He holds you steady when your knees weaken, your belly flipping at the intensity that he pours into you.
Jungkook is all around you, encasing you within his arms and there’s not a single place you’d rather be. When you pull away for air, you thumb away your gloss on his bottom lip and bite his bottom lip gently.
“I adore you,” You say dreamily, “You are so… Everything. Everything. I adore you.”
Jungkook’s cheeks burn, but he ducks his head for another sharp kiss. And if Yunho is watching him shove his tongue down your throat and holding your hips to his possessively then that’s fine by him.
The journey back home is a quick one (after you both stop for fried noodles, despite the inevitable heartburn it’ll give you both the next day but you’re both so hungry). You both stumble into your home in a mess of giggles and groping, nearly falling to the floor due to your clumsiness.
Jungkook has been hard since he kissed you in the club, in front of Yunho. He knew Yunho had been watching, feeling the man’s eyes on you both the entire time. His jealousy has crawled back into the box that it was unleashed from, but he knows that’s something to revisit later.
Something else to revisit is that he liked that someone else was watching him with you. He stores that information for later, instead focusing on keeping you upright from falling.
Somehow, through your blurry vision and wobbly legs, you get on your knees and palm Jungkook’s cock through his pants. A shameless moan rips through you- any and every inch of him makes you dizzy with desire.
You like him so much that it nearly makes you cry.
“Gonna blow you now,” You announce happily, fumbling with the button of his jeans and using all of your concentration and strength to pull his pants down along with his boxers. You sloppily kiss your way down his chest, spending extra time on his tattoo and licking (then biting) his happy trail before humming around his leaking cock.
He’s so wet already, and it’s all because of you.
Jungkook groans, eyes closing in pleasure as your pretty mouth wraps around his cock. He thrusts lightly into your mouth, peeling his eyes open to watch you. Only to find you already staring up at him, your makeup smudged and tears already forming in your pretty eyes. He cradles your cheek affectionately, stroking your cheekbone-
But before he can compliment you, softly praise you, he hears a noise. It originates from the back of your throat, something both familiar and unfamiliar. You gag uncontrollably around his cock, and while it’s certainly not the first time it’s happened, it’s different this time. Because you’re a little drunk. So he should be unsurprised when you retch on his cock, pull yourself off of him before your drunk self can get any more vomit on his cock and sprint into your bathroom.
You manage to lock the door in your frenzy of utter humiliation and alcohol addled mind. You hover over the toilet bowl, the sounds of you throwing up bouncing off of the walls. You’re crying, sobbing more like it- from both the pain in your chest from vomiting violently into the toilet bowl coupled with the humiliation of quite literally throwing up on your boyfriend’s cock.
You groan and squeeze your eyes shut, as if that’ll erase the memory.
“Baby,” Jungkook calls softly, his cock fully hanging out in the open, “Baby, please open the door. It’s not a big deal, but I need to wash my dick off.”
You let out a choked, watery laugh at that and move to flush the toilet and rinse your mouth out. Your cheeks burn in embarrassment when you unlock your bathroom door, and you can’t bear to look Jungkook in the eye. But he holds your wrist to his when you try to escape into the safety of your bedroom.
Your heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of your chest, heat flooding your ears in shame. It feels like your head is empty, static filling up the spaces that the silence between you both doesn’t.
“It’s just me,” Jungkook coos, “Do you want to shower with me?”
“Jungkook, ‘m absolutely mortified,” You say flatly, voice a little high in pitch as fresh tears burning behind your eyelids, “I want to evaporate from this plane of existence in about three-point-four seconds, I literally threw up on your penis, I’m so sorry. Don’t even look at me-”
Jungkook winces at your tone and the way your shoulders are hunched, hands gripping the hem of your dress unsurely.
“Baby,” Jungkook sighs, “It’s really okay, there’s nothing to apologize for. Come shower. The vomit is drying on my dick-”
But that’s the wrong thing to say because you start to cry immediately, shoving your face in your hands. Jungkook sighs, mentally kicking himself and running a hand through his purple locks. He calls your name softly and pulls you into his arms for a tight hug, despite the drying vomit on his dick, which is hanging out and brushes against your hip. You sniffle, peeking at him with shy eyes and he rubs your back soothingly.
“When I say it’s okay, I mean it,” Jungkook murmurs into your hair, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize how drunk you were. I know you feel embarrassed, but it’s just me, baby.”
He kisses you, despite your protests, and helps you rinse your mouth again. You allow Jungkook to somehow maneuver you into the shower, peeling you out of your clothes. You feel grimy and sticky from the club and you’re grateful for the cool water against your skin. You stand behind Jungkook, wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your face in between his shoulder blades, letting him wash himself.
“Can I wash you?” You whisper, voice unsure. You feel awful, cheeks burning but still. He nods and you take your body wash and lather him with it, washing his now limp dick gently and swallowing nervously.
“See? Not a big deal,” Jungkook says, coaxes you out of your nervousness, “Lemme wash you, baby.”
And so he does, taking your loofah and gently rubbing your skin. Under the cool spray of water, your nerves slip away with each giggle and kiss that he pulls and plants from your lips. Your eyes are still a little shy, a little slick with alcohol. But it’s just Jungkook, and you’re safe with him.
Jungkook nearly wrestles you to get you to eat something more, after throwing up the remainder of your guts after you both had showered (it was mainly just water and alcohol at this point). You’re nearly falling asleep on his shoulder but he manages to shake you awake for a slice of leftover noodles and two glasses of water. But eventually, he coaxes you into eating with a few kisses, hugs, and shoulder rubs.
Once you both are in bed, Jungkook wraps himself around you, his hands immediately drifting below your sleep shirt to your belly. Your cheeks burn as the events of the night replay in your mind’s eye and you press your face into your pillow with a groan.
“I can’t believe I threw up on your dick a-and you’re so nice a-about it,” You mumble, “You really are everything.”
“Well, what else am I going to do if the girl I like vomits on my dick,” Jungkook murmurs, “Don’t worry about it, baby. It happens.”
“To who? Only to me,” You say sadly, “I drank too much. I’m sorry, Kook-”
“Shhh,” Jungkook says, tightening his arms around you and kissing your forehead, “I promise it’s okay. I promise I’m not looking at you any differently.”
His words make you relax in his hold and you nod. Jungkook tilts your jaw towards him, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. You don’t say anything else after that, only allowing your soft, breathy sighs to spill out of your lips and into him with every comforting kiss and every slip of his tongue in your mouth.
He tells you to rest in between kisses, but your eyes are already closed.
MOM TAGS: @tiemeuptogoldenchains @boymeetsparadise @jungkooksseuphoria @kaepjjangiya @drumsofheaven @ppeachyttae @tae-bebe @yiyi4657 @mygscafe @beeeetsandskzreads @maichiverse @hordanhearsawhooo @anonymous2505 @dreadity @mysugarkoo @ultraanonymousey @moonchild1 @fan-ati--c @yeotan07
TAGS: @kookdbean @codeinebelle
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could we maybe have a fic of a big coops argument and Sirius just leaving - like full on leaves. and Remus is just left again. and finally when siruis comes back they have a conversation where remus feels sirius always has a foot out the door in the relationship cause he feels they’re gonna turn out like his parents? or something like that?
cause it’s kinda brought up in SW in like chapter 15- when remus says “But I’m not here to run back to if you keep leaving me” - something to do with that quote, cause honestly when I read SW that’s probably the one that hurt the most
essentially pure coops angst
Mixed with this request:
could you do a coops angst fic please with the prompts 🥺:
“stop blaming me for all of your problems”
“im broken and tired, and it’s all your fault”
(Or something along the lines of them - anything’s fine xx)
I am so sorry it took me so long but I finally got around to do it. Tell me if you need anything added to the CW’s!
Coops belongs to @lumosinlove
CW childhood trauma
The letter arrived two days ago and had been in Sirius’ bedside table since then, hiding from the world. He didn’t expect for his parents to contact him again after the disownment and he still didn’t know what possessed his mother to send it to him, he guessed the engagement was too much for them to handle. He thought he was done with this part of his life, done with caring about his parents, done with them constantly making his life harder.
Remus left early this morning, a meeting day with Moody but in all honesty, Sirius couldn’t tell how much time passed since he opened the letter over breakfast.
The words were hurtful, to both him and Remus and opened many wounds that he thought were healed.
He felt so incredibly numb, nothing made sense anymore. Sirius had been staring at the same wall for hours now and didn’t hear the door opening.
“Babe, I’m home,” Remus said into the silent house, closing the door behind him. He frowned when he got no answer.
He put the bag down and walked inside the living room.
“I'm broken and tired, and it’s all your fault,” Sirius said quietly, still staring at the wall. It almost sounded like a realisation.
“What are you talking about?”, Remus said, clearly confused but he slowly walked over to Sirius and kneeled down in front of him.
“Because of our relationship, everything falls apart,” Sirius said, finally looking at Remus.
“What?”, Remus breathed out, his eyes wide, “Sirius what happened while I was gone? Talk to me, please.”
“Don’t you realise it,” Sirius shifted back against the sofa but kept the eye contact, “I needed to hide because of you, I got outed because of you, my family disowned me because of you.”
“Stop blaming me for all of your problems!”
Remus’ voice was shaking.
“This isn’t you, Sirius please, what is this all about.”
But Sirius shook his head, standing up rather abruptly, almost making Remus fall over in the process. He grabbed his jacket and the keys and walked towards the door.
“Wait, where are you going? Sirius!”
But the door was already slamming shut and while Remus stayed on the floor, still processing what just happened, he realised that Sirius had done it again. He just left again, leaving Remus alone.
Remus didn’t sleep that night. He had no idea where Sirius was and it was driving him mad with worry. He left his phone on the table and neither Pots nor Dumo knew where he was.
His mind kept wandering to the letter, he found it on the floor an hour after Sirius left.
It was… rough, to read the letter and to understand what was going on inside of Sirius right now. But Remus still didn’t understand why Sirius didn’t talk about it like he normally does, they had been through so much. He cried after he realised what Sirius had said to him but at some point he remembered that he didn’t mean it or he really hoped he didn’t.
Remus eventually fell asleep when the sky already turned pink and woke up maybe four hours later. He got a headache from all the crying and lack of sleep but all that was momentarily forgotten when he entered the kitchen to get himself a coffee.
Sirius was back and he looked miserable.
Remus wanted to scream at him, ask him what got into his mind but instead, he sat down opposite from him, staying silent.
“Good. You should be.”
They sat in silence again, only for a few moments, both gathering their thoughts and Remus chose his next words with purpose.
“I told you this once, Sirius, and I won’t do it again. I’m not here to run back to if you keep leaving me.”
Sirius’ head snapped up at this, staring at Remus with wide, tearfilled eyes.
“You are right,” Sirius needed to clear his throat, his voice breaking, “And I am so sorry, believe me Re but I- my mother send me a letter and I-”
“I know. I found it after you left. Before we continue this conversation I need to know one thing, did you mean anything of what you said? Because if you do, Sirius if you do, I think I need to leave for once.”
Remus’ voice was stern but the fear in his eyes was clear.
“No, god of course not. I don’t know what made me say it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“Okay but then why do I feel like you always have one foot out of the relationship? Why do you keep leaving me?”
They had reached a point where neither of them could hold back the tears anymore but they didn’t really care.
“Of fucking turning out like my parents,” Sirius voice rose, “Sorry. I am so scared that we will turn out like my parents.”
And Remus just looked at him. That was unexpected.
“Why would we turn out like your parents? Their relationship has nothing to do with love, it wasn’t built on it. But ours is, we went through so much together and I love you.”
Sirius’ shoulders relaxed at that, he was still loved.
“But you have to stop leaving me cause that is something I can’t handle. It brings back so many memories that I desperately want to forget. Talk to me, scream at me, throw something against the walls, I don’t care, but please don’t leave.”
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Sidetrack / Van
Request: telling Van you're pregnant / request: literally anything but from Vans pov
"Fuck, fuck!" I snapped, mumbling to myself, I'd just stepped off a flight but it was the wrong flight. I should have caught the one before it, last night from LAX to London Gatwick.
I'd missed the first one, typical me, typical fucking me, too busy chatting away at the radio station, too busy getting embroiled in conversations I didn't need to have, getting distracted, absent minded as I always was. And now I was paying for it, 2 in the morning, freezing outside the airport, struggling to light my cigarette as I waited to see the taxis roll around the bend.
I was waiting to see y/n pull up but I had a sinking feeling she'd already driven home, why wouldn't she have?
I should have touched down in London early evening and instead it was the early hours of the morning. I wouldn't have expected her to wait, id have expected her to drive home fuming, and when I took my phone out of airplane mode and saw the texts and missed calls come through I knew before I'd listened to her voicemail that she'd just gone home.
The worst thing was though that she didn't sound angry, she sounded pissed off at first but upset too, and by the end of it I could hear the tears in her voice though she was trying her best to hide them. I'd let her down, there was no avoiding that fact, I hadn't just let her down I'd taken another huge chip out of her faith in me and slowly but surely I was fucking our whole relationship into the ground.
So I turned around and dropped my cig, dragging all my shit with me inside to try and buy a ticket for an internal flight up to Manchester, I could do the city to Chester in a taxi and that was probably my quickest route home, but it wouldn't be good enough.
Id no idea how I was going to make it up to her but I knew I had to. I could feel the desperation in my heart as I paid for a ticket and picked up the pace. The flight would be calling soon and if I missed it there's be an even more torturous delay. Self loathing curdling in the pit of my stomach as i paced an empty airport lounge.
Mind you, I experienced that anyway, after I'd gone through the rigmarole with my luggage and my passport, security checks and all the other distractions from the facts which I'd taken forgranted at the time. I'd rushed through every step not realising that at least whilst I was stressed and focusing on them I wouldnt have time to think too much about the mess of my relationship I was making.
Because this wasn't a one time thing. This was a recurring role I seemed to play these days. Y/N was the stability and the home comfort and she cared and she was dedicated and I knew every day that she treasured me and the life we had, the future we kept making plans for, because she showed me, even if only through texts or the way she made sure I never missed my mums birthdays or I never forgot to send someone a Christmas card, even if it was only through keeping our life on track whilst I was away. She was the stable, consistent one, and I was the one always sidetracked. Absent minded. Easily distracted.
I was the one desperately in love who just couldn't seem to get a grip on how to show it. I could write her all the songs in the world, go out every night on stage playing songs, playing at being a rock star to bring in the money we needed for our future playing happy families, but if I wasn't there for her what was the point. If every time I went away I forgot to call, forgot to reply to texts, forgot what time my plane left and made myself late coming home, what was the point. If she couldn't rely on me how would she know how much she meant to me, how much I cared?
Sometimes it even made me question myself, how could I know I really loved her if I was always sidelining her and prioritising other things, trivial things which shouldn't have meant more than her but somehow always did. How could that be anything but a sign of dwindling affections?
It was only nights like tonight which restored my faith, made me realise what I had and what I'd die if I lost.
Which was her. I'd die if I lost her.
She was my everything regardless of how it may have seemed, regardless of all the things work made me put first.
She was my everything and I really didn't deserve her, and nights like tonight, stuck in an airport waiting for a flight to Manchester, planning the shortcuts I'd tell the taxi driver to take when I got there, made me realise just how little I deserved her.
And then when I got another text, I felt myself despair again.
Home now, let me know when you land safe X
She'd driven all the way to London for me, then all the way back home without me, and I'd forgotten to text her when the plane had landed.
I'd been freaking out, too busy trying to fix the mess before id even tried to apologise to her.
Flying to Manchester now, Im so sorry, luv u x
It was nowhere near enough but it was all I could do, and as they made the call to board all I could think was that she'd be climbing the stairs and crawling into bed alone, exhausted and heartbroken, though I didn't know the half of it.
As much as I worried about her, as much as I worried that she'd be crying herself to sleep because her boyfriend was a fucking idiot, I didn't know the half of the emotions that would be swirling inside her at that moment.
And I wouldn't until the next morning, 5.30am as I dragged my case across another airport, through arrivals and out into the dreary Manchester Street.
The taxi rank reeked of cigs and I was on edge, heart pounding, fingers itching at my jeans, I was desperate for one myself but I didn't have time.
I felt like every second was a second she slipped further away from me. Like she was sand falling through my fingers. I was desperate to get home and feel her in my arms, tell her I was sorry till the cows came home. I didn't just need her forgiveness I needed to promise her I'd change, I needed to know she'd always be there. I needed her love and I needed to show her my love for her. I was aching to fall at her feet and show her how much she meant to me.
But the heartbreaking truth and the reality I was bracing myself for was that I might have come to this moment too late. It might be too late to tell her, she might have already grown fed up with me. Tired and disillusioned with my scatterbrained sidetracked ways.
"Chester mate," I said chucking him a 50 before he'd had a chance to tell me the traffic would be a nightmare at this time of the morning. All the commuters coming in and out the city.
I didn't care about the traffic, I cared about getting home as quickly as I could.
"Quickest route whatever you thinks gonna get us there..."
"Aye well if we take the bridge I reckon that's quicker this time... The A road will be chocka this time of mornin," he yawned, his lethargy putting me on edge, making me feel he was too laid back, but it wasn't him up shit creak, he was just the driver.
He didn't have to rush, he wasn't half a day late home he was just working.
It was me desperate and I had no control over the speed we went cross country to my home. To my girl.
"Rate okay," i said nodding along, thinking he was probably right. I'd done this drive a million times and there wasn't much in it, no matter which was you went. Still the tension in me was sickening as we sped down the motorway and got stuck in traffic just as we were coming off, turning towards the city center.
He'd been right about the bridge, it was just Chester that was fucking us over and I was growing more and more convinced that we should have gone round not through to get to mine but he was the driver and he knew.
"Are you sure we wouldn't be better going..."
"Look mate I've told you haven't I, this is the quickest route, I drive this ten times a day at least..." he snapped back, stifling me for a moment though his reassurances couldn't convince me. I was sure if we just turned off the main road and cut a couple of back roads out of town and round we'd save ourselves half an hour, but it was pushing half 7 now and I didn't really want to argue myself out of the taxi in the middle of Chester.
"Yeah sorry mate I'm just really..."
"Bloody late I know lad you've mentioned," smirked the driver, who was right, I'd told him twenty times or more and I could see from the look in his eyes that this time I was going to get a lecture. The kind of advice me dad would have shaken me in a pub and said. "How old are you lad?" he asked, I winced to tell him 27. Knew I shouldn't be this much of a liability at 27.
"I know I should have me shit together by now you don't have to tell me," I chuckled, awkward grin on my face as I looked out the window at the highstreet and cursed it.
"And this lass you're rushing home to, how long have you been with her now?"
"Shit four years?" I said scratching the back of my head as I thought, it was definitely nearly four years, I should have known how long I'd been with my fucking girlfriend for.
"So she knows what you're like by now then?" he asked, "an she's not left you yet?"
"Aye," I smirked, "shoulda though shouldn't she..." I swallowed the lump in my throat and smirked.
"Aye well if she were my daughter you wouldn't be in me good books that's for sure," he chuckled, "but if you wanna be with her like you keep tellin me don't you reckon you should tell her that and then you know..."
"What?" i asked, scared he'd misjudged me when I'd told him how much I loved her. I couldn't go home and drop down on one knee today, that wouldn't go down well.
"Well stop fuckin talkin about it and show her like... Change your ways a bit lad, relationships are give an take you know..."
"Aye a know," I sighed, "it's me work like makes it impossible it's not reliable..."
"Aye but that doesn't mean you canny be, anyway way I see it a don't think you've got much choice, one of these days shes gonna start expecting you grow up, happens to all of us mate..." he said his harsh words the brutal reminder I really needed.
I needed reminding I couldn't just keep making excuses up for the rest of my life.
I needed reminding that if I wanted to be with her I had to change for her, had to be the man she needed not just the one she wanted.
"See!" he grinned then, nodding to the window, the traffic had cleared and we were soaring, "five minutes and you'll be there,"
So i grinned and thanked him and apologised for mithering his ear off the whole hour, making sure I tipped him extra, but when I texted y/n to tell her, I got no response.
Five away from u x
Was met with silence and I was left feeling sick as the driver pulled up and I hauled all my shit to the front door.
I figured she'd be sleeping so I didn't bother knocking, just pushing my key in the lock and let myself in, just left my stuff by the door as I locked up and kicked my shoes off.
I was hit with relief but it wasn't good relief. It was half hearted, washed out, because the house was still and quiet and clean and I could see the effort she'd made to make our home comforting and welcoming for me, it had all gone to waste because of me. And she'd slept alone last night when she shouldn't have.
And then I heard footsteps on the staircase, saw her shadow and felt a lump in my throat.
The first thing I said was sorry but when I reached the bottom of the stairs and looked up at her I could see my apologies would fall on deaf ears.
See they'd be pointless because she looked so upset, so angry, so dissapointed.
"Hi," she said, her voice dull and let down like the look in her eyes. She looked tired and underslept and though I was knackered, though I was underslept too, desperate just to crawl into bed I knew I couldn't. Knew I needed to put her first.
"Look love I'm really fuckin sorry, I just got distracted with work and the time just ran away from me and then the traffic was a state and..." when I realised she wasn't really listening, just looking straight through me, tired and deflated and just plain upset, I sighed, stepped back and trailed off.
"Never mind ill just, I'll stick the kettle on make us a brew..." I started, panicking a little, thinking a cuppa might fix things the way it used to when we'd first gotten together and the arguments had been little, petty and easily resolved with a cuddle in the kitchen and a snog to Lemonworld.
"For fuck sake I don't want a brew Van, I want a boyfriend I can fucking rely on!" she snapped suddenly, her red rimmed eyes catching the light with fresh tears. Her sudden speech startling me, stabbing my chest letting it bleed heavy into the pit of my stomach.
For a second I was speechless. The heartbreak in her eyes, it was everything I'd feared I would see, and if course it was everything I'd known I would see.
And there was nothing I could say to her that would pacify her hurt.
"I know love, shit I know, I'm really sorry, it's..." I started but i didn't know what to say, "I didn't mean to miss the flight lass, you know how it is with work, its..."
"You always say that," she sobbed, giving up on holding back the tears, pushing past me at the bottom of the stairs.
I followed her into the kitchen to find her crying as she filled the kettle, doing exactly as I'd just told her I would.
"Cmon y/n I'll do that..." I sighed, knowing this was going to be difficult. We'd been together long enough that I knew how stubborn she could be when she was hurting. And she was really hurting now.
"If you start it you'll probably get a call from work and I'll still be waiting for it this time tomorrow..." she said and though I could imagine her saying it with a smirk, taking the piss, her tone was bitter and wounded and I knew it was a dig at me designed to hurt.
"Jesus y/n!" I groaned running my hands through my hair, despairing because I didn't know how to make her listen to me. There were only so many times I could tell her I didn't mean to.
"What Van?" she snapped back, "What? I waited hours for you! You're so, so..." she trailed off, cut off by her own sobbing, "so fucking irresponsible!"
"Come on love thats unfair!" I was trying not to lose my temper, trying not to rise to it but it was hard. I was over tired too, and I was pissed off with myself but I was irritated with her too because she wouldn't hear me out and she wasn't even giving me a chance. I'd raced across the city in a panic just to come home to this.
"What's not fair is you Van! You go away for months and I hardly hear from you, and then you miss flights and youre always late and you think you can just waltz back into my life like everythings perfect..." she couldn't finish her sentence because she was so upset she could barely breath, her eyes red, her expression swollen with heartache.
I bit my tongue, bit down hard, feeling like the floor beneath my feet was crumbling.
Somewhere in my mind a penny had just dropped and now it was balancing on a knifes edge, it was spinning and the noise was grating on my mind. And I was confused.
"Cmon love you know what am like me heads all over the place, I've done this loads of times and you're never usually this upset..." I started, knowing I was walking on thin ice but not knowing what else to say to her because it was true.
She was usually so different to this. She wasn't usually fussed if I missed a train or a flight or if I got stuck in traffic or delayed at the studio. She was one of the most laid back people I knew and it was one of the things which had always been so brilliant about our relationship.
The fact that we never argued about stupid shit, meaningless shit like someone being half an hour late. She was always so understanding, she never questioned anything about the work me and the lads did, she just accepted it. That it was my dream and that touring and fame demanded a lot of unreasonable things, but it was the dream I'd had since I was a kid so I'd be damned I'd follow it. She'd always understood it, always just accepted it.
And today she was devestated over something which only months ago would barely have bothered her at all.
"I drove half way down the country to meet you Van," she sniffed, calming because she was tired, not because she was any less upset. "I was so excited to see you and you made me feel like a fucking idiot!" she said, her cheeks flushed as she tried to wipe her tears.
I wanted to step closer, I wanted to catch them with the sleeve of my jumper, but I knew she'd only flinch away, cut me with a scornful look. So I didn't, I just stood there with a lump in my throat feeling desperate and despondent.
"It's just embarrassing apart from anything else..." she said, and that anything else, something about the way she said it told me there was something else. Told me to stay quiet, to hold my tongue and wait for her, listen to her because she wasn't done. She had something important to say.
"You're always saying you miss me when you're away and you're always saying you're only doing it cause you want to secure a future for us, cause you want a life with me and all that but..."
And suddenly I was full of regret. Suddenly I could feel her slipping through my fingers like the sand in an hourglass.
"But you never prioritise me, its like we're the last thing on your mind, like we're the last thing you ever think about..." she said her lips trembling. Her voice thick with sorrow.
And I was defeated, tears in my eyes, speechless because deep down I knew she was right. I took her for granted and I took the life I envisioned for us for granted too, like it was all set in stone. Like I didn't need to work for it at all. Like I could go off with the band and have my fun and shed be waiting for me patiently when I was ready to come home.
But I knew it didn't work like that. I knew she struggled when I was away and I knew it was cruel of me to be as absent minded as I was when I was touring. Being 7 hours behind isn't really an excuse not to call, it never stopped Benji or Bob calling their girls up, it didn't stop me calling me mam.
"Am sorry y/n," I said, basically choked the words out struggling to speak. I was winded by it. This heavy stoney realisation that I really wasn't good enough for her. That I really was letting her down despite how hard I worked for us.
I was too set on the future, so much so that I never thought about the girl I had now. The relationship we had now.
"I, shit darlin I don't know what to say," I said quietly, the tears pin pricking my eyes as I sniffled myself and tried to hold them back, "im really sorry," I said it again though I knew no matter how many times I said it I wouldn't be able to make it up to her through words alone.
I needed to change. I needed to be there for her.
"Van.." she started, trying to cut me off, about to tell me not to bother. I was certain she was about to tell me I was too late. So my tongue ran away from me and she couldn't get a word in. And I kept talking shit about how she had to give me another chance, how I needed her to not give up on me. How I loved her, how everything I did, all the work I did it wasn't just for me, it was for her too.
"The bands the only way I can ever offer you a future that's good y/n I'm not smart am I, I didn't get good gcses, I couldnt hold down a normal job that would pay the bills and keep you comfortable and if I didn't do this we'd be scraping by on minimum wage and I don't want that for us.... " I just kept talking shite, the same old shite I always talk, "music's all I'm any good at love, it's the only thing I can offer anyone so I can't just quit..."
"I don't want you to quit!" she cried, shaking her head, beginning to panic herself then because she was right, she'd never said anything about that, that was all just my own anxious mind freaking out. Running away with me.
"I don't want you to give up on all your dreams for me," she cried, her tears streaking her cheeks, her eyes watery and round and red. "I just want you to make a bit of time for us, you can't just keep forgetting about us,"
"I, I know love an I won't I promise I'm gonna..." I trailed off, thinking over her words again, looking at her carefully, looking for any signs of change.
"What do you mean..." I said slowly, eyes flickering over her again, suspicious. I had a knot in my stomach like a sneaky feeling, like something was different, I just couldn't tell what.
"What?" she asked, looking back at me confused. I wouldn't have thought anything of it, I might even have brushed it off and carried on making promises we both knew I couldn't keep had it not been for her hand hovering on her belly. Her belly which wasn't exactly a bump but which was a little different. Seemed it at least because of the protective way her hand hovered about it constantly.
"what do you mean us?" I asked her, trying to swallow down any hope which threatened me though it was hard when the longer I looked at her the more convinced I was.
I was trying to keep the smile off my lips, trying to do the maths in my head, calculate how long I'd been away. Work it all out before she got a word out. The longer the silence between us, the longer she remained still, her hand hovering over her womb, the more convinced I became.
And that's when I noticed it, on the mantlepiece in the next room, the only thing out of place in that spotless living room.
Three things out of place, sitting in a line on the mantlepiece. Waiting for me to come home.
"Y/n?" I asked slowly, the hope would kill me if I was wrong, "Y/n what do you mean us? You're not talkin about me an you are ya?" I asked, hesitant to turn away from her and investigate what it was I thought I saw on the mantlepiece.
"Uh," she started to say, but she couldn't. Instead she trailed off into a small smile, one which looked silly with her swollen puffy eyes and the tear stains on her cheeks, but one which looked beautiful and glowing with pride and peace too. "I was gonna tell you last night when I..."
"Y/n are we pregnant, are we having a..."
"Uhuh," she nodded, wiping her tears with the palm of her hand, unable to keep the smile off her lips then, her eyes lit up, void of their previous sorrow.
Sparkling now instead.
"Oh my god," I breathed, heart pounding in my chest, grinning in disbelief because we'd been trying for so long now and I'd been beginning to grow a little nervous. "Oh my god," I said, opening and closing my mouth at a loss for words, "really?"
"Uhuh," she smiled, beaming and bright and sunny eyed and then surprised when I closed the gap between us, threw my arms around her and swept her off her feet. Overwhelmed with the joy I felt, ecstatic and ever so proud of her.
"Fuckin hell I love you so much," I grinned closing my eyes bowing my head to hers so that my nose buried in her hair when she wrapped her arms around my neck and nestled into my embrace. "I love you so much," I said, just repeating myself over and over. So happy, almost unreasonably happy.
"I love you too," she said, leaning up to kiss my cheek, smiling and laughing when I turned and caught her lips at the last second. Snogging her in the kitchen just the way we would have done when we were young.
"Were gan have a baby," I grinned, unable to believe it as I abandoned the tea shed been making and carried her into the living room. Only putting her down so I could marvel at the three pregnancy tests in a line on the mantlepiece which had been waiting for me all night.
"I can't believe it," I grinned turning back to her. Looking down at her where she lay on the sofa with her arms reaching out to me, her hands grabbing like a babies would. She wanted me back by her side and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to oblige.
"Guess I've gotta sort me shit out ey love," I said, making it sound like a joke, though j wasn't joking.
I'd never miss a flight or a phone call again, never forget to text, never forget to put her first.
"God I love you so much," I breathed, slipping beneath her on the sofa so that she could lie on top of me.
She propped herself up in her elbows, her hair falling around us as her nose knocked against mine. She was beaming, her eyes gleaming with happiness.
"We're gonna have our own little family," she smiled, "bet you it's gonna be a little terror like you," she giggled, drawing a laugh from me as I shook my head.
"Nah way I was a little angel, if its a terror it takes after you!"
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I hate how my heart and mind go back and forth. One day I'm doing better than ever. Finally doing things I want to do, doing things for me and taking care of what I need to. Then the next I just wanna cry, shut the world out and cuss you and that bitch out all because ig shows me wedding dresses. Maybe its because I've never been so serious about someone and never done so much to keep them and never gone so far in a relationship. I hate this feeling. I just wanna get over it all at this point. I want to move forward in my life but I can't. There are too many unanswered questions. Too much gone unseen. Too much ignorance. I want to ask so many questions because I need answers. Im tired of getting " I don't know" or "its not like that" or "you're tripping". It is not possible for it to just be me or it to be all in my head if im not the only one seeing it. Im trying to be as understand as possible because i know I created all of our problems but I tried to do my best to fix my mistake and myself in every way that you and others pointed out was wrong. Why do I feel like it was only me trying in the end? Why did i get the short end of the stick? Why was I forced to be the bad guy every time even when I was begging to be understood or at least heard?
Ive realized that while others want money, success, a big house, to travel, to live comfortably, to find somewhere they belong; all I have ever wanted and still want is to be loved for being me. Flaws and all. Absolutely vulnerable and completely infallible. Dependant and reliable.
Lost & Found
A/N: Some shit has gone down at my house and I may be getting kicked out so I just wanted some love from the LOV cause, why the fuck not? (Part one of maybe more if you guys like it)
TW: Swearing, mentions of homelessness, mentions of violence, may be some graphic scenes (probably not cause im not that good of a writer but I’m just putting the warning there)
Characters Mentioned: Toga Himiko, Jin Bubaigawara, Tomura Shigaraki, Dabi
Word Count: 2,243
Of course it was one of those cliche nights, dark and gloomy. Then to top things off it started raining, great. Your clothes were now soaked and the bag that had the rest of your belongings probably got drenched as well, you didn’t know if it was, your brain being to occupied with other thoughts to even worry about your belongings.
You sat on the ground, leaned up against a building in an alleyway, looking up into the sky that was being blocked by the many wires and poles the spread across the thin opening and wondering what the hell you were doing with your life. What was the point? All this time you were trying to be the good guy, always helping people and hiding your own problems as to not worry people. All the while your mental health was deteriorating every second that goes by. It got to the point where you would lash out at people, without even realising your doing it, till it’s to late.
You never had a great education because your parents couldn’t afford it, but you had skills. You were smart and very creative, you just never could figure out a way to use them and please everyone at the same time. You finally snapped, snapped at your father and mother, so they kicked you out, told you they were fed up with the shit you pull and said you either leave, or you go to the mental hospital, your choice.
Maybe you could use the help, but at this point you didn’t want a doctors help. You needed a friend, a family. People who can bring you out of this dark hole your in. Your scared, and you wanted people who could be your light in the darkness.
And like a goddess was watching over you you felt a light hand being placed on your knee, then in your line of sight as you were looking up, an umbrella covered your face, protecting you from the harsh rain that fell on your face. Your gaze moved to the figure in front of you, well, more like two. A shorter girl with blonde space buns and a school uniform on, and a taller man, head to toe in in a black leather costume with white accents through it. The man was holding the umbrella while the girl had her hand on your knee.
“Who are you?” You slowly asked, not even bothered to be scared by the presence of two strangers.
“I’m Toga! This is Jin! Ah, are you okay?” The girl asked you and you smiled briefly, trying to fake it, yet you broke. Your smiled faulted and you looked back down at the ground, your tears mixing in the the remaining rain drops in your face, and while these two people were complete strangers, you couldn’t help but get the feeling of familiarity.
“Toga. Toga! She’s crying! Do we hug her? No, just leave her, she will be fine.” The man known as jin spoke up, continuing to argue with himself on what to do with you or not.
“Listen to the latter. I’ll be fine. Sorry to interrupt your days.” You told the pair with a slight giggle at the start. You picked your bag up and started to walk away from the pair when you felt your bag being pulled back. You turned to see Toga with a smile on her face.
“You don’t have anywhere to go? Do you?” She asked and you were taken back by the sudden question, you sorta looked down, it only just really hitting you now.
“I don’t have anywhere to go.” You whispered to yourself as your free hand flew to your mouth and tears streaming down your face. Your hand let go of the bag that Toga had a hold of and you let yourself drop to your knees. “Holy fuck, I don’t have a home.” You said as you looked up to Toga, barely being able to see her properly due to the tears in your eyes.
“You can come back with us? No she can’t! Shigaraki will be mad!” Jin yelled at himself once again, you still couldn’t help yourself but smile a little bit, which didn’t go unnoticed by Toga.
“I couldn’t, If this Shigaraki person will be mad then I don’t want to intru-”
“What’s your quirk?” Toga interrupted you with the sudden question, which once again, like before, took you back.
“What’s your quirk?”
“Um I don-”
“C’mon what’s your quirk? What is it? C’mon! Tell us! What’s your q-”
“Restoration?” You blurted out at her intrusive questions and under all that pressure, you didn’t know what else to do.
“What does that do?” For the first time in the conversation, both of Jin’s sides could agree on the question.
“I can restore anything back to their the state they once were in. Though I need to be thinking of a certain time and date for it to work.” You spoke quietly, the clouds finally clearing a bit as the heavy rainfall died down.
“Even people?” Toga asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Yes, even people, that’s why I’ll be fine on my own, I can restore myself back to the state I was once in, to a state before I was hungry, or thirsty, or tired, or injured or whatever!” Your voice started to raise, getting slightly annoyed with all the questions and just wanting to be left alone.
“Shigaraki will like you.” Toga spoke softly as she started to skip past you with your bag waving around in her hand. Jin walked up to you with the umbrella and offered his hand to you. He didn’t say anything, nor could you see his face, but you felt a heartwarming feeling coming from him, and your curiosity got the best of you. Why not go with them? Where else would you go anyway.
So you went with them, and it didn’t really dawn on you who they were until you got to the hideout, an old abandoned bar that they’ve done up on the inside. The reason why they were so familiar to you finally hit you like a pile of rocks. You had seen the whole group of people in front of you plastered all over the news.
You currently stood in the League of Villains hide-out, why were you here? A second ago you were lost in life, sitting in the alleyway, trying to figure out your new home. Only to be led here.
“What have you bought back this time Himiko?” A young, but matured mans voice rings through your ears as the man himself comes from a door which you assumed led out the back.
“This is... actually we never got her name.” Toga spoke, dropping her head after she realised neither her or Jin asked for the girls name. “Ah?” She slowly spoke out as she turned towards you with a questioning look on her face.
“Oh right! I’m (Y/N)! Ah, nice to meet you?” You questioned yourself as you bowed, confused on whether or not to treat Shiga-fucking-raki as an authority figure or not.
“Your not a villain.” He more or less stated it, rather then question it.
“That I am not.” You said rather confidently, slowly coming back to your senses.
“Then why are you here?”
“Do you want the long story or the shortened version?” You asked him raising a brow, once again, getting pissed off with all the questions.
“Shortened would be lovely, thank you.” He said with a snarky tone which just got you even more pissed off.
“I got kicked out. I was in the alleyway contemplating life. These two came out of nowhere asking me questions and shit. Now I’m here.” You replied with an annoyed tone and a bored expression covering your face. If you weren’t welcome here, you would rather him tell you now then drag this out any longer. If he was going to send you on your merry way he better hurry up because you need to figure something else out.
“So, Toga, Twice, you found a wet, stray dog and bought them back here? Correct?” Shigaraki turned away from you and look at the other pair who brought you into this mess in the first place.
“A useful stray dog actually! No she’s useless, all she can do is heal!” Jin started to yell at himself and it wasn’t until then you realised that you were the stray dog in this conversation.
“Hey!” You yelled out but you pouty face, soon turned into you of guard as Shigaraki’s intimidating glance hit you. Yes he was wearing the hand over his face, but his mere presence alone sends shivers up your spine.
“You’re a healer?” His tone grew low and almost disgusting as he slowly approached you.
“I guess you could call me that?” You said, even questioning your own quirk at this point.
“What’s your quirk? What does it do?” He asked and you groaned, not wanted to explain your quirk a second time.
“I can restore anything back to their the state they once were in. Though I need to be thinking of a certain time and date for it to work, and if I have to explain that to anyone again, I’m going to be pissed.” You said with a bored and tired tone, indicating how uninterested you were in your quirk.
“Try it on me.” Another voice rung through the empty bar, when you turned you saw a tall man with burnt skin patches all over his arms and face, and spiky black hair with piercing, bright blue eyes, peeking through the hair that fell in his face.
“Try it on you? Ever heard of manners?” You snapped back, not realising what you said until it was to late.
“Tough talk for someone who is only a healer.” He spoke with an intimidating glare as he stalked his way towards you.
“Why don’t you come closer and we’ll see who’s tougher.” At this point your mouth was speaking its own language. Yes you knew how to fight, but he was right, your quirk wasn’t anything flashy.
“Too late.” Your heard a whisper from behind you and a flat palm being felt on your lower right arm.
“Shigaraki!” Toga and Jin yelled out, while the other man yelled the same thing, just more pissed off than the other two.
“Oh sweet pea, you’re gonna have to do more than that.” You say as you placed your left hand on the place that the dust started to form. The dust that your arm is turning into was suddenly brought back to the place it first started spreading before completely disappearing. Everyone’s eyes grew in shock, which confused you deeply. “What?” You questioned while looking around the bar.
“No one has been able to stop Shigaraki quirk without chopping the limb off. Not even healers.” Jin spoke softly and he sounded like he was out of breathe. Which he was, everyone was.
“You’re staying.” You heard Shigaraki speak in a low, calmer voice then it was before, if that was even possible.
“What?” You spoke, confused by his sudden change of heart.
“You’re not useless, your just someone who people were blind to. You’re staying, unless you don’t want to be a villain?” He sort of questioned you motives while bending down so you were eye level with the hand that sat on his face.
Who were you kidding? You dream of becoming a hero deteriorated a long time ago. Even though your quirk can heal people, you could also be a devastating tool, used for world annihilation. If you really tried you could become powerful enough to completely erase the world, restore it back it it’s ‘original’ state. All that would be left is a few atoms.
So were deemed a threat by society pretty quickly, but your heart of gold tried to beat the rumors and weary glares by helping anyone with your quirk, anywhere you can, but to no avail. The rumore and glare never stopped, you eventually stayed at home at all times, where your parents would then start seeing you as a threat and a burden on their shoulders.
Anything you do doesn’t please anyone, but these people, the villains of this story. They looked at you with amazement and shock, not weariness and fear. It bought a warm feeling to your heart. Besides, if they wanted you to be the villain, why not give them what they want? And to think, you wouldn’t be here if two VILLAINS weren’t kind enough to stop and check on you. These villains have done more for you in the last 10 minutes of knowing you than the last (Y/A) years of your life.
“So? Are you staying?” You felt your arm being tugged, you looked to your side and saw Toga looking into your eyes with a bright shine in the golden orbs that dawned her.
You looked around the room once more, looking at the four people you have already met and the rest of the league that you will hopefully meet in the future. You thought about how it would be more fun to be a villain anyway, no rules, no authority, just you and the league, doing whatever the fuck you want.
“Fuck it, it’s not like I have anywhere else to go.”
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hello! may i request headcanons for chuuya having a crush on someone who's dense? like he could ask them out in the most straightforward way possible and it would still go over their head?
yes, yes of course you may!
sorry this took so long! my computer was out of commission for abt a week (or two..??)
but this is also my birthday writing piece for chuuya!! (4/29/21) i even added a small drabble thingy in addition to the hcs for the occasion hehe
from where i am, it is about fifteen minutes past midnight so it’s officially chuuya day here!!
happy birthday chuuya i love you! you deserve the whole world and everyone is willing to fight tooth and nail to ensure your happiness! we love you! 💗💗
anyways, i hope you all enjoy this! i kinda had some writer’s block but it was still a lot of fun to write! there might be some mistakes, but i’ll scan over it again later. reader is gender neutral! have fun!
chuuya having a crush on a dense! reader
nakahara chuuya x gn! reader
im cackling somebody help him
he’s frustrated bc you can’t take a hint or a thousand but he can’t even be mad bc he’s whipped
“look at you all dressed up today, wanna go out later? my treat?”
“oh really? thanks chuuya-san! you’re such a nice friend. i’ll go invite the others right now, i’ll see you later!”
fast forward to later in the evening and he finds himself at a little restaurant with the black lizard + higuchi and akutagawa
in unison all of them go, “thank you for the meal chuuya-san!” (except aku and hirotsu are quieter & and gin just a nods hehe)
“no problem” (ꐦ ´͈ ᗨ `͈ )
gin only pats him on the back in sympathy
he spends a lot of time trying to think of ways to make it absolutely and undeniably clear that he has feelings for you
he always fails
“(y/n) i like you”
“i like you too chuuya-san”
“t-then will you—”
“you’re a really great friend! and superior too”
“oh were you saying something?”
“nah, just forget about it”
tachihara is laughing in the corner of the corridor
dont worry, chuuya made sure to get back at him
chuuya’s been pinning after you for years and frankly, his failed attempts to woo you has lead everyone to the breaking point
and i mean everyone
yes, even aku
hell even dazai
but dazai also thinks it’s funny, so he doesn’t mind all that much
okay bye bye dazai-san this headcanon set isn’t abt you rn
PLEASE EVERYONE FEELS SO BAD FOR HIM
they knew even if he kissed you, you still might not get it
so they decided to help him
super secret mission get chuuya and (y/n) together is a go!
they’re still working on a proper mission name, don’t mind them
they had a super secret strategy meeting!
you can bet your ass that they nearly got nothing done
akutagawa & kaiji weren’t much help, neither was higuchi, mori, or elise
tachihara nearly got killed for a thoughtless comment
“just tell them chuuya-san!”
“i already fucking did you ass!”
gin, hirotsu, and kouyou were the most helpful !!
hirotsu and kouyou both agreed on the idea that chuuya should try courting with bouquets of flowers instead of flat out asking you bc they knew you found them pretty
(even if you don’t identify as a female, flowers are for everyone no matter gender or sexuality! so let’s normalize giving flowers to everyone <33 )
gin didn’t speak but she used cards to communicate
everyone knew that you weren’t stupid (you wouldn’t have survived in the mafia if you were) but they did know that you were only stupid when it came to all this lovey dovey stuff
i mean, if chuuya gave you flowers every so often, there’s no way that you wouldn’t piece it together at some point
but kouyou assured him that even though you wouldn’t get it right away, you’d appreciate the gestures and that he’ll stand out more
she even said that if someone gave her flowers, she would appreciate it, whether or not she reciprocated their feelings
it takes guts to be so up front with your feelings after all
gin and hirotsu only nodded with her explanation
once again, this only provoked a reaction out of tachihara
“what do you know gin? i get the old man and kouyou-san, they’re grown, but you? what do you know abt courting? or flowers? what are you a girl?”
akutagawa choked on his cough, higuchi on air, and on the other side of yokohoma at the ada, dazai is cackling
yes, dazai somehow placed a listening device onto chuuya’s hat and was listening in
don’t ask how, it’s dazai
“DAZAI GET YOUR BANDAGED ASS OFF THE COUCH AND STOP LAUGHING”
the next day, chuuya did what was barely discussed and for once, things actually started to look up
until they started look to down again
at first, it actually looked like you understood his intentions after he gave you a bouquet of flowers
literally everyone was leaning against the opposite hallway you two were in and then they got excited !!
especially chuuya !
but then your expression sort of changed...??
and then in their heads they simultaneously went, “oh no”
they knew that expression
it was very familiar when you tended to friend zone chuuya
but boy let me tell you what you said next made them facepalm and or make their jaws drop
“ah, so you really are friend zoning me huh chuuya-san; what a shame, i really did like you”
LEMME TELL YOU WHEN I SAY THAT CHUUYA WAS DISTRESSED I MEAN HE WAS DISTRESSED
you liked him??
him of all people??
he wasn’t complaining, no of course not, but he still couldn’t believe it
but that wasn’t what he was really focusing on right now
what in any form or language did it say he was friend zoning you?!
flower language apparently
chuuya chose to buy the bouquet of yellow roses, pink carnations, and yellow carnations bc he thought you would appreciate the brighter colors, and so that you’d remember them better (because remembering them, meant remembering him)
but ooh boy
altogether, they meant the exact opposite message he wanted to send
someone help him pls
“you see chuuya-san, yellow roses mean friendship, pink carnations mean gratitude, and yellow carnations mean rejection; sooo in a nutshell, these pretty much say ‘thank you for being my friend, but im rejecting you”
no one can tell if tachihara is crying or wheezing
and dazai is having the time of his life
yes, he started listening in on him again
and chuuya is just stunned
like speechless and unmoving stunned
is he just bad at this whole courting/dating thing?? it’s only been one day and of it and somehow he was the one doing the rejecting??
“thank you for the flowers chuuya-san, i’ll be going now; i’ll make sure to let this affect our friendship. i’ll see you tomorrow!”
you passed by the not so subtle group of people
“tachihara-kun..?? are you alright?”
just for context, he was leaning his forehead against the wall using his forearm
again, it was hard to tell whether he was crying or wheezing
“i-im okay (y/n)-san...i think c-chuuya-san has it worse than me”
BACK TO CHUUYA
he’s still frozen poor baby
but it’s okay bc after like 5 more seconds he’s chasing you down the hallway you were walking in
kouyou, with a knowing smile on her face, ushers everyone away towards the opposite direction
she received some whines (ahem, tachihara and mori) but silenced them by summoning golden demon
but it’s okay
if they run fast enough, they can see what happens through the security cameras
chuuya caught up with you and tried to explain everything but he was exhausted
emotionally, physically (bc since when did you walk that fast??), and generally just tired with the whole situation
he just wanted to call you his; was that too much to ask??
as explosive as he can be, he can be calm and collected too
and he really did try to be that way as he talked with you but it was very difficult at the moment
the dumbfounded and confused look on your face his face twitch with annoyance and his heart started beating faster bc god you were cute
BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT RIGHT NOW
thank goodness after what seemed like years, you finally somewhat understood what happened
you didn’t understand completely but it was something
The two of you stood in the middle of the unusually empty hallway facing each other, you with the bouquet still in hand. It was quiet as you and Chuuya assessed the situation.
You looked at him skeptically and he stared right back you with his gorgeous blue eyes.
“...So you do like me Chuuya-san??”
“And you were trying to court me just now, not friend zone me??”
You got most of your questions out of the way, but there was something that you’ve been wondering about for quite a while.
“...So you’re not gay for Dazai-san??”
“Yes, im not wait—GAY FOR DAZAI?? THAT MACKEREL??”
Chuuya did a double take. What in heavens name made it seem like he liked that suicidal maniac?? Why would he choose him if he had you?
Like he would choose him anyways; or ever consider him as a possible romantic partner.
“Oh, so you are?”
“NO! I SAID I LIKED YOU DIDN’T I?”
“Well yeah, but I thought you liked Dazai-san too. As annoying as he is, he can be quite charming—”
He was out of patience at this point (nope definitely not because you were talking about Dazai who told you that?) and just decided to kiss you.
You immediately melted into the kiss and kissed him back with the same amount of love and feeling.
Letting the bouquet fall to the ground, you wrapped you arms around his neck and his put his on your lower back and brought you closer to him. After a few more moments, the two of you broke apart for air.
The two of you, slightly out of breath, leaned your foreheads against each other and just basked in each others presence.
Chuuya looked into your (e/c) eyes and asked you just a little bit above a whisper, “Now do you get my intentions and feeling?”
You blinked at him before breaking out into a grin, “Hmm I’m not sure; do you wanna do that again Chuuya?”
The red head only blinked back at you before rolling his eyes, a smile present on his handsome features, his heart fluttering at you using his name with the honorific.
Smiling cheekily at him, you pressed a kiss on his cheek and started dragging him towards the lobby to take a walk around the building perimeter, knowing that the two of you can’t be too far from work.
The way down to the lobby was mostly in comfortable silence until you said something that made Chuuya want to bash his head against the wall.
“You know, you could’ve just told me you liked me Chuuya. It’s not like I would’ve said no.”
Once again, as the rest of the more power mafia members watch from security cameras, it is hard to tell whether Tachihara is crying or wheezing of laughter.
The two of you just started making your way around the building when suddenly a very familiar voice came from Chuuya’s prized hat.
“Chuuyaaaa!! It was about time you stopped being a chicken, Chibi!”
Removing his hat from his head, he started yelling at it not knowing exactly where the listening device was planted.
“TEME! HOW DID YOU—”
“And (y/n)! I would congratulate you, but I think I would rather offer you my condolences. Why him?! He’s just a slimy slug. OOH OOH how would you like to join me in a double suicide?! A shame it won’t be a lover’s suicide but it’ll annoy Chuuya so I think it’ll be worth it! ”
“And please don’t kiss while I’m listening in. You made me lose my appetite! And it was such a shame! I was eating crab using Kunikida-kun’s money! Do you know what you’ve cost me?!”
“DAZAI YOU PIECE OF—”
“Ah! Kunikida-kun is here! I have to go!”
You can hear something is the background that vaguely sounds like, “DAZAI YOU WASTE OF BANDAGES STOP USING MY MONEY”
“DAZAI DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE IM NOT DONE WITH—”
The click sound from the hat revealed that Dazai disconnected.
Chuuya twitched and glared furiously at his signature hat hating that the voice he hated the most came out of it.
“Aww, I didn’t get to talk to Dazai-san”
Chuuya whipped his head towards you, a look of mock (or real) betrayal showing on his features.
You laughed at him before taking the hat out of his hands and placing it on his head.
He shyly looked away before muttering a thanks making you smile wider. Just as the two of you were about to start walking, a small explosion erupted from his hat; it was likely that Dazai made the listening device self destruct.
“DAZAI YOU BASTARDD”
At the Armed Detective Agency, a certain suicidal maniac hid from the wrath of his current partner as he thought about the wrath his old one.
“Hmmm I wonder if Chuuya would finally stop wearing his ugly hats if I blow all of them up...”
as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3
writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason
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(this is answer to the previous ask. It's gonna be long. I'll try to give you the insight)
Yeah. I mean apart from me there's also this one other guy he's also regular victim like me coz he also broke a rule but he gets bullied by different seniors not the Michael guy gang. And it's not particularly about the gang or the group coz all those seniors are friends with each other so anyone can bully any junior. This guy has a job for calling me when those seniors ask to see me and this guy makes a run to the cafe coz those seniors wants to eat something. He's always running around here and there. I feel bad for him.
There are more than 200 peeps I guess. They had human ethics class when they called me but that time professor wasn't taking their lecture so most of them left but then too there were too many people in there. Yk I told you I'm in Biotech so like this we have all kind of subjects for major like physics, chemistry, maths, statistics, life science and many more and for all these branches we have a common subject called Human ethics which is compulsory for every one. So all of the branches together sit in one big classroom for this subject.
Tbh, I really don't know what that guy wants, I thought maybe I'll avoid him so I won't get in trouble but it happened opposite coz he got seriously pissed after that. That was the most embarrassing day of my life, I remember everything, I got very close to crying. And he never really talks to me but he called me in their class and was like, why are you avoiding me? And I can't say that to his face, so, I said, 'I was not.' And then he listed a few palce where I tried to avoid him and I had no answer to that, it's a long story but he bought that list of slangs that I once wrote and he told me to read the whole list (it has around 70 curse words half which I had to make up on my own. Initially it 50 but afterwards they increased it. I'll get to it later) He told me I had to yell those words until the person sitting on the last bench can hear me. It was brutal. And he was standing right on my head saying, 'I can't hear you,' I would have killed him that day. I got very close to crying. I only made it till 4-5 words. I skipped few days after that day it was the worst thing ever that's how everyone in his year got to know about me.
Yes! I tried to avoid him many times. If I saw him coming I used to changed my path and I think he noticed coz I wasn't subtle at all. And idk what's up with him coz he started playing hide and seek, if he noticed me changing direction or going the long way to avoid him he just used to take the short route and get there before me just to freak me out. And that guy is not even in my line of vision he's way taller than me and I freaked out every time when he used to come in front of me suddenly out of nowhere. I looked okay not a big deal from outside but from inside I always went in emergency mode, my hands used to get cold. Sue me, I have anxiety I can't help it and if someone will act like this I will feel a little afraid or intimidated yk. And after that task of reading the list out loud he stopped. So that was relief. I often think does these people don't have humanity or what. If I was a guy I would never do this to a girl. And yk this bullying part is also a reason why I'm done with guys. Don't be sorry, it's okay I had my fun in school, so I was kinda prepared for this.
I think you didn't get it. It's the weird universal rule going on from ages, we have to give respect to every senior even if they are from other branch. The rules are not made up by any college authority. It's just something that is going on among students, professors doesn't know a thing about it. There are many rules. We have two cafes over here and one of them is strictly reserved for seniors, a junior person cannot step a foot over there.
Yesss! You get me! That's why I was looking. I don't think it's peer pressure. I think that he thinks I don't respect him and I broke the rule. I think he got more confident after his friends knew. And I think his friends told people of his class that's why they all knew my name.
All my friends and classmates already knows about it. They can't do anything coz those people are their seniors too, and we are supposed to do as they say. One of my tired tried to help me coz she knew someone in the senior batch and that person talked to that Michael guy about me and guess what? They just doubled the slangs. And I had to prove my innocence and I bargained but then too I ended up writing 70. So there's that.
(it’s alright, write ten pages even if you’ve got to)
it’s all cause of those stupid rules!!😡 oh my, poor kid:(( y’all have feet, go and get your own food from the cafeteria! i’m starting to feel bad for him too, he’s just trying to get along with his college years, let him be!!
ohh, so you get stuck in the same hall for a whole lecture? that’s just nice🤦🏻♀️
yeah that makes absolutely no sense btw🤨?? baby noo😭 I wish I had been there for you!! umm we have nothing between us, I can avoid you if I want to?? jeez I wanna punch this dude so bad rn. ok srsly what is up with that list omg. YOURE JOKING????? HE MADE YOU DO THAT??? IS HE INSANE OR INSANE??!!? im so so so sorry!!!! that just sounds like an awful way to get introduced to the rest of the school, plus I can’t imagine the toll it had on you!!😭😭
???? what a creep??? I mean that’d be fine if it was a friend, but what the hell does he want?? you have a right to be intimidated, and it’s not your fault you’ve got anxiety, can’t he get it?!! either he finally saw that his actions are that of the devil and felt sorry for you and stopped, which I doubt very much. or someone in that class saw and made him stop afterwards. he shouldn’t be doing this to anyone, regardless!! this is your actual villain origin story against guys, and honestly, I can very clearly see why now. even though, this doesn’t mean that you deserved an ounce of it!
how is that supposed to be any better?? and fine I can show respect, but to the point of calling them maam and sir, is this a school or military grounds? yeah okay that reserved spot thing is passable.
ah okay... a shitty dude followed by shitty friends... how respectful.
honestly thank god I don’t attend your college, no offense. under whose authority am I to blindly do as they say, I don’t get it, I really don’t! oh that’s just great😫 props to them for talking to him though. that just sucks, I am incredibly sorry! :(((
🎶honey I'll be your shelter, I'll be the one to take you through the night. whenever you need shelter, I'll make everything alright, make everything alright🎶💕
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everything about you — t.h.
big thanks to @ptersmj for beta reading <3
summary: you and tom have been enemies since the day you met. always fighting and bickering, ruining each other’s mood. until you just happen to be in new york at the same time in the same place.
pairing: tom holland x reader
warnings: implied smut, cursing, fluff, angst
author’s note: YO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I LOVE ME SOME ENEMIES TO LOVERS SO HERE'S SOME SHIT I WROTE OVER SPRING BREAK. i hope u likey and it gives you serotonin. it gave me serotonin just writing it. AND ONCE AGAIN TYSMMMM TO @ptersmj muah <3
the rain pattered musically on the cafe windows. you were sitting on a chestnut colored stool in new york. a coffee shop near your apartment, specifically.
you and tom were in the same city, unbeknownst to both of you.
and apparently about to be in the same cafe.
the soft jingle of the cafe door startled you from your work.
you subconsciously turned your head to find honey brown eyes.
“y/n, i didn't expect you to be here,” he said, approaching you and your littered papers, “i thought you were in san francisco?”
“oh. i moved here,” you said, a bit more snarky than intended, “my apartment is across the street. wait why am i telling you this?”
“you have a big mouth,” tom said with his signature smirk, “why wouldn’t you blabber about anything?”
“you know, i hate everything about you, especially that you’re so fucking full of yourself”
“well, i wouldn’t say full of myself, i’m just not a weak people pleaser,” he looked you straight in the eye with a look of hatred that could kill. it probably had killed before, killed hopes and dreams.
you looked down in your lap, fidgeting with your bracelet. that stupid purple and blue bracelet that tom gave you as an “im sorry gift”. stupid tom. well, yeah you were a people pleaser, you always wanted everyone to like you. it was hard, but it's better than never trying, like tom. even if he was snarky, rude and impolite, which he always was, he always got what he wanted. you had to work your way to get what you wanted. there was no easy way to the place you were.
“i-i’m sorry,” he spoke up after a significant amount of time, stuttering over himself, “i didn’t mean that you're just really nice to everyone, that's all”
“what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“you’re always nice to everyone,” he said looking at you, then at the tiled floor.
he looked…genuinely upset.
but it could be an act, he was an actor after all. but like the sucker you were you gave in.
“it’s ok,” you managed to say.
“no it's not really ok. i always ‘tease’ you and stuff, but it's really not teasing it’s just being mean,” he said, walking closer to you, and taking a seat across from you, “i’m sorry for being such a dick and a jerk all these years.” i guess he really was being genuine.
“i forgive you,” you responded, an unwilling smile cropping up on your face, “i’m sorry too, for being rude.”
“i forgive you too,” you said, the two of you awkwardly hugged and stepped away, as if you were a middle school couple.
“so, should i start paying my debt off by taking you out for lunch?”
“sure,” you smiled, grabbed your stuff, shoved it in your tote bag and followed tom out the door, opening a big, red umbrella to hold above both of you.
“i guess this is where we part,” tom gestured towards the lobby of your apartment. you spent the whole day together, specifically showing tom the best places to go in new york.
“i guess so,” you said, the two of you uncomfortably close, had it been a different day. you were squished together under the bright colored umbrella, not wanting to get wet. his hand unconsciously moved to your lower back. you stood there in shock, finally ruining the moment with a little cough.
you both backed away, at least as far as you could without getting wet from the rain. you turned around and ran towards the door in embarrassment. you stood under the little tent above the entrance, reconsidering your actions. finally giving into your overthinking, you turned around and smiled at him, giving him a little wave. you quickly opened the door, not wanting to get more wet than you already were.
“goodbye,” tom whispered as you entered the building.
want to go get coffee tomorrow, maybe finish your new york tour?
you texted him. you had texted him. tom’s fingers tapped as fast as they could typing out a response.
sure, meet by the cafe? 11:00 am?
you responded quicker than he had.
yup! it's a date :)
he quickly turned off his phone, shoving it on his pocket, quietly hoping it wasn't all a dream.
not rly a date
well, ykwim :,)
he smiled like an idiot at his phone. the things you did to this man.
you shut the door behind you, your head replaying the day you had spent with tom. a small grin creeped on your face, lifting your mood higher than it already was from being with tom.
you dropped your purse off by your bed, heading towards the bathroom to start your night routine. you could not wait to meet tom tomorrow.
you walked into the small, cutesy cafe, taking a seat at a small table with two bright blue metal seats and a white wooden table. you took out your laptop, deciding to try to finish some work since you were spending most of your three-day weekend with tom.
as soon as you started, a quiet, yet loud jingle filled the silence of the small coffee shop.
you turned your head, hoping to find those sweet coffee eyes. instead you found emerald green ones. awkward.
you checked your watch, finding the numbers to read 11:19 am. you continued on with your work, stopping every few minutes to check the time and sip your coffee.
maybe you had missed him?
then you met the same green eyes as before.
“sorry, ma’am, but i noticed you keep looking around,” the guy said, he was tall, about 4 inches taller than you, he had emerald green eyes, black, messy hair and a light spray of freckles across his cheeks.
“y-yeah i am,” you said, stumbling over your words, “have you seen him? he's about this tall,” you gestured your hand to about how tall tom is, “he’s arrogant and struts around like he owns the place.” you stood up and showed the guy how tom walks.
he smiled in return.
“i have not, but if i do, i'll be sure to call you,” he smiled, charmingly towards you, “oh wait,” he mimed being in thought, “i don’t have this beautiful lady’s number!”
“oh that’s such a shame, because if you found the guy i’m looking for you wouldn’t be able to call me!” you shook your head disapprovingly, “what a shame,”
you handed your phone to him for him to add himself. he did the same.
you looked down at the newly made contact, “aiden, is it?” you asked him.
“yes madam y/n?”
wow even his name was hot.
“i actually don’t like my name all that much, but i appreciate the comment,” he chuckled.
oh shit. you said that out loud.
“oh god, i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to say that out loud,”
“no, no i totally appreciate that you think i’m hot,” he teased.
he had sat down across from you, the two of you clicking. you talked about everything, from shoes to family life to plane rides and train trips.
finally, at 2:37pm a brown haired, brown eyed guy walked in. tom. not that you noticed, you were talking your head off with aiden. tom
noticed this. he just stood there watching you. everything about you made his insides turn, sometimes it was in a good way and sometimes it was in a bad way. today it was half good half bad.
he sat in the corner, watching you talk with that guy, his jealous emotions overriding his head. once he saw you and that guy almost kiss, he was so fucking done.
he walked right up to you and slid his arm across the table, bending it so it supported his head. he looked at you and said, “hey,”
the guy stood up and walked away with a seasick look on his face. he had a look of betrayal on his face, when he took one last look at you and walked out of the shop.
“what the fuck, tom!” you said harshly pushing him off the table. he slid back and fell against the seat that aiden had been sitting at.
“first you’re two fucking hours late, and then you interrupt me talking with aiden?”
“aiden, is it?” he scoffed, “god you’re so oblivious, that guy probably only wanted to fuck you!” he yelled, making you wince. you quickly covered it up, the aggravated look in your eyes reappearing.
“you always fucking jump to conclusions! maybe he wanted more that, but you wouldn’t know that because you know nothing about emotions because you’re fucking heartless!” you screamed, your throat felt scratchy with negative emotions, as if the feeling were digging its nails into your throat.
tom was silent.
“i try so fucking hard to like you,” you screamed, angry tears pricking your eyes, “i try so hard. but every fucking time you’re rude, you make me feel like i’m nothing. because i am nothing to you, aren’t i?”
he just stood there. he said nothing. his frustratingly beautiful brown eyes just started back, his expression hollow.
“how am i supposed to like you, or even tolerate you if you just keep hurting me?” you were crying, the salt stinging your cheeks, “how?” it was less of a yell and more of a whisper at this point.
you were tired.
so fucking tired of tom putting you down.
you grabbed your coat off the back of your chair, snatched your purse and keys off the table and stormed off.
you slammed the cafe door open, searching around for aiden. after a solid minute of looking you found his kind face. he was sitting on a bench a couple hundred feet away from you. he sat there, studying the ground and sipping his coffee.
you mustered up enough courage to walk up to him and squeak out a soft “hey,”
he looked up his eyes filled with regret.
“guess that was the guy you were waiting for, right?” he said, smiling with sad eyes.
“i-i’m sorry. he was just being a complete jerk. i’ve pretty much fired him from my life.”
he chuckled a little bit.
“yeah. is it ok if we just don’t text? or call?” he said, the regret lingering in his eyes, “he was there a little bit before he came up to you and i couldn’t help but notice the way he looks at you. it’s like he only sees you. he's in love with you.”
“what?” you were confused. actually you were beyond confused.
“i can’t get in between that. i think you love him too. or you used to.”
“h-how do you know that?”
“i can read people very well,” he said, grabbing a twirling leaf from the air and studying it for a bit, afterwards letting it drop on the ground.
that's all you could say really.
“you should tell him how you feel,” he said. he smiled, genuinely.
you took a walk around the park that was a few blocks away from your complex, taking a few hours to clear your head. you had decided, you were going to tell him. but not at the moment. you walked back to your apartment after you had cooled some steam off at the park. once you got home you dropped everything and just chilled. mostly watching netflix.
knock. knock. knock.
“who is it?” you asked, unwilling to get up from your comfortable seat on the couch.
“its me…” the person said, you recognized the accent the minute you heard it. it was tom.
“i'm coming, i'm coming,” you said, haphazardly throwing the blanket you were under to the side, “i'm here.” you said opening the door.
“yeah ok. what do you want?” he stood there with a bouquet of bluebells. that stupid fucking flower. he knew you loved those flowers. those godforsaken bluebells. you told him they were your favorite flower, not long ago. only about a month or so ago.
“what do you mean, no?” he asked, softly, as if he were to speak louder than a whisper your eardrums would break. he shoved the flowers into your hands. you looked down at them and then back at his awfully endearing chocolate eyes.
“i can’t tom, i can't keep it in,” you whispered, subconsciously crushing the flowers in your hands, remembering what aiden told you, “i can’t with this anymore. ok? i love you. i love you so much. and i hate it. but i love it. it's excruciating and painful to love you this much.”
he stood up, opening his mouth as if he were to scream, yet he kept his voice at a softly harsh level, “and you think it's easy? you think its fucking easy to love you too? to have you so close yet so fucking far away? to love you while some guy talks to you? do you think it's easy being halfway across the world from you?”
your frustration, loneliness, and heartbreak boiled over, causing you to do the unthinkable.
he loved you.
he loved you too.
and you kissed him.
tom was shocked at first, and then he slowly creeped his hand behind your neck for more support.
his lips tasted like beer and hate. they tasted like salty tears and havoc. but you drank it all in. he tasted like him. his soft lips against yours made him slip his tongue in, the harsh kiss deepening.
until you pushed him off.
gasping for breath, you quickly started again, moving quickly towards your bedroom.
he grunted when you pushed him on the bed, unzipping his jeans, he looked you straight in the eyes and whispered, “are you sure you want to do this?” you nodded, going back to undressing him. once you got the pants on the ground you started pulling off your shirt, while tom did so too.
you woke up, blinking at the noon sun shone through your window.
your legs ached, unsure at first at what for. and then you remembered. turning you patted both sides checking to see if someone was there.
you found someone.
“ugh,” tom groaned, as your cold hand found his warm stomach, “c’mere,” he wiggled towards you, spooning you.
“tom?” you asked, turning, so you’re facing him, “is this forever?”
“only if you want it to be,” he softly responded, looking into your eyes, searching for your answer.
“i want it to be.”
and then he kissed you. how cliche, but spectacular.
“now how are we going to tell harry and sam?”
“what about harrison?”
“he already knows,” he answered, while you rolled your eyes with a small giggle, “he was my wingman.”
“of course he was,” you whispered, curling up against his chest.
he just hugged you until you fell back asleep.
“hey,” tom said, “you know i love everything about you, right?”
“yes, and i love everything about you too,”
hi! tysm for reading <3 i would love to hear what you think! <3
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The Truth Will Set You Free - Part 7
Pairing: Bucky x Female Reader, Thor x Reader (other Avenger characters)
Summary: You dated for two years, and thought he was the one for you. One day you came home and found him with someone else. After running away from you, you return home and found yourself in the arms of Thor. When Thor decides to introduce you to his friends at a dinner, you realize that there’s something familiar about the house you were visiting.
Warnings: implied cheating, language (not proofread)
You sit in your living room, ignoring the TV in front of you. You think about everything that has happened over the last several days and can’t believe the whirlwind you have faced. Who knew when Thor brought you to meet his friends, you would be faced with the horror that was your old life. Only then to find out that Bucky never cheated on you.
You don’t know what to think anymore. You care so much for Thor. He has been so patient and kind, and you know he cares about you, maybe even loves you. Then there is Bucky, who was your first love. The man you thought you would be married to and have a million babies with. But do you still hold that love for him?
You decided to distance yourself from both of them. Of course you spoke with Thor, who completely understood why you needed space. You decided to not reach out to Bucky, as you told him when you spoke you needed time. Knowing him, you knew he would reach out when he couldn’t stand it anymore. In your distance you decided to try and not think about it, at least for a little while. You needed to destress before you could even think about what to do.
As you sit there, “not thinking about it”, you hear a knock on your door. You get up, hoping and praying it’s not Bucky, because you are so not ready for that conversation. You open the door to reveal yet another person you really didn’t want to see. You say nothing and just stare.
Shuffling her foot against the ground she asks quietly, “Can I come in?”
You open the door wider and allow Nat to enter your apartment. “How did you find me? I don’t remember giving you my new address,” you say flatly.
You see her gulp and again look down, “Uh, Thor actually gave me the address,” she says.
You are honestly shocked he would do that, but keep your mouth shut as you sit back on the couch. “So what do you want?” you ask.
She takes a deep breath as she sits, making sure to keep space, “I-I told everyone the truth. Something that I should have done years ago. I just... I just want to apologize again for.. ruining your life in the process of my bullshit,” she says.
You give a breathless laugh, “Yea, ruining my life is a pretty accurate summary of what you have done to me,” you say.
You look at her again and see the pain in her face. You sigh, so tired of drama, “How did they take it?” you ask.
She looks at you in surprise of your question, “Well. They all still want to be my friend. They were upset with me about what happened with you and Bucky, because I took complete responsibility for that, but they all accept me,” she says.
You nod, “As I knew they would. Which is why I still don’t understand why you would hold onto that secret knowing what happened between you, me and Bucky,” you say, annoyed.
“I wish that I could give you a reason and make things better, but honestly, Y/N, the truth is I was scared. I didn’t want to accept that it was my fault. I didn’t want to lose any more friends, when I already lost the most important one in my life, and the second most important one,” she says.
You look at her confused, “The second?” you ask.
“Bucky kicked me out. He stopped talking to me. He finally spoke with Steve after I came over and apologized, but he still refused to come to most hang outs if he knew I was there. It took almost 2 years before he would be in the same room as me,” she said.
You look at her in surprise, unable to comprehend what she just heard. Nat continued, “Even now he barely talks to me, but at least he will hang out with us. Him asking me to meet to tell you the truth was the first time he has spoken to me in a very long time,” she says.
You knew at this point, you keeping your distance was going to be short lived. You had to speak to them both, but you still needed to time to figure out what to say. You still had more questions that needed answers, especially after this news. You look at Nat, “Well, even if you were scared, it’s not right to make me look like the bad guy. You and Bucky just let me look terrible to our friends,” you say.
You remember what Steve told you, and knew that you said, wasn’t 100% true, but you wanted Nat to feel bad after everything so you said it. Nat nodded, “You’re right. I’m selfish. I always have been. I liked being the center of attention and I love having people love me. When I thought that could slip away, I made sure it didn’t. When I knew Bucky wasn’t going to say anything, I decided to keep my mouth shut too. I never thought I would see you again. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I--” she stops and sighs.
“I loved you. I would have loved to have you love me back. I was ok with being your best friend because it gave me a piece of you. I would have stood beside you at your wedding and allow my heart to break into pieces to see you happy. When I ruined that? I- I lost myself and decided that if I couldn’t have you as a friend, then... I turned back into the selfish bitch I was. And all I can say to you is that I am so sorry. I know it doesn’t make it better,--”
“You’re right it doesn’t. Because while I can understand you being nervous and afraid to tell the people that you love that you are not who appear to be, it doesn’t give you the right to throw me under the bus to make yourself feel better,” you say and then scoff. “You say you love me, but I honestly don’t think you know the first thing about love, because you would never have let me reputation fall like that if you loved me,” you say.
Nat looks down at her hands and you see tears falling. “You know we can never go back to the way things were, right?” you ask her.
She refuses to look up at you but nods as the tears fall. You sigh, suddenly exhausted, “Whether I am with Thor or.... whatever, we cannot be friends. I will still hang out and will acknowledge your existence, but that will be all for a very long time,” you say.
Nat chokes on a sob as she nods, finally looking at you. “I--I understand. And no matter who you choose, you will have a man that loves you, and I promise to stay out of the way,” she says.
Before you can respond, she stands and walks out the front door. You sit there in silence for a moment before you finally cover your face with your hands and cry. If that was so difficult, how are you going to deal with your next decision?
Part 6 / Part 8
Sorry this took so long and was so short. I needed to get Nat’s part finalized so that we can now focus on the guys. Now who will she choose? I have heard your thoughts, and I have to say I am on the fence. We shall see in the coming parts. Feedback is appreciated.
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Im fully on the warren lipka train and i have to thank you for that.
I can fully picture warren, disappointed that the guys dropped the idea of the heist, his parents divorcing and his best friend that he’s been in love with for so long going on her fourth date with this frat guy, getting incredibly drunk and since most of the friend he went to the party is in similar condition, calls his best friend to pick him up. He is in a horrible condition and when they come to pick him up, he also feels incredibly guilty for taking them from their date. They make it to his apartment/dorm room before he throws up. Instead of getting upset, his best friend takes care of him and he drunkly confesses his love.
I hope this is good! Its midnight so I'm gonna sleep now :/
⚠️-whips language, drinking.
Drunken I love you's
You were on your way to a date when your phone rung, the bright light illuminated against the dash. Thankfully, you were approaching a red light so you could look at your phone. The bright screen flashed a stupid picture Warren had taken of himself, the text saying “DADDY’ in all caps. You rolled your eyes and picked up the phone.
“What Warren? I’m on my way to dinner with S/o” you said, sounding a little irritated. Also considering the fact that your date was in the car.
“oh fuck, is he there with you?” he asked. He was drunk, you could tell. When things got hard for Warren, alcohol was his only coping mechanism. You sighed knowing this wasn’t going to get you anywhere.
“yes, he’s with me. You’re on speaker.” s/o looked at you with an irritated face. But Warren needed your help so you made a U-turn.
“Warren, where are you at?” you asked. The guy sitting next to you putting his hands up in a “what the fuck” way. As soon as Warren told you the address, you were on your way there. Hanging up the phone, you immediately felt guilty. But this guy had only been with you for about 4 weeks, considering you two had only been on 4 dates. You loved Warren dearly, you would drop any guy for him. But he never seemed to like you more than a friend. Which you understood, but you also knew Warren was going through quiet a bit. His friends had recently denied the heist, all of them quit on him as well as the separation of his parents, but the one that sent him over the edge is you telling Spencer how much you liked this frat dude you were seeing.
Warren would’ve told you how he felt about you sooner, but when he planned too you had start to see this guy. Warren swore he threw up for days afterwards. But. no one knew that except for Spencer. Pulling into the driveway of some shady place, you told s/o you would be right back.
Getting out of your car, you walked up to the front of the house, the door was unlocked so you let your self into the big house.
People were grinding on each other, the pure stench of alcohol and pizza that has been sitting out for two long caught your nostrils. Gathering your senses, you looked around the house for Warren.
Eventually you found him, pouring himself another beer, but you took the cup away from him and poured it into the sink. After he called you, he obviously had done more drinking. You wanted to be so angry with him, but you just couldn’t. not when he looked like this. Hot and flustered. His brown eyes looked so sleepy and tired. His lips were swollen from drinking and his face was flushed. You knew he wasn’t gonna remember shit tomorrow.
“come on War, lets get you out of here,” you said, slinging his arm around your shoulders guiding him through the house. Accouple of his friends who were also in the house cheered him on. Them obviously thinking you two were going home to have sex. Setting him in the backseat of your car, you drove slowly. Your date didn’t say a word, you knew he was upset. and hell, you would probably be too.
Warren reached across the console to grab your hand, and you held his back. Much to your date’s dissatisfaction. He leaned his head against the back of your seat trying to get close to you. You knew he wasn’t going to last much longer, and you didn’t want him to vomit in your car do you hurried a little. But not enough to the point where you would get pulled over.
Arriving at your apartment, you helped Warren get inside. Only then did you realize that your date up and left. You couldn’t find the time to care, right now was about Warren. Taking him inside, starting to feel him gag you ran him to the bathroom, where he threw up several times. You moved his curly brown locks away from his face and rubbed his back. In between vomiting, he started to cry.
“I’m sorry I ruined your date, I’m a mess. I can’t do anything right.” He sobbed, you shushed him telling him it was okay, but you weren’t sure he could hear you over the sound of him hurling into the toilet bowl.
“Warren, you’re an amazing man. I’m so lucky to have you in my life baby. Just relax, no one is mad.” He looked up at you through big brown teary eyes.
“you mean that y/n?” he asked. You grabbed a cloth you had in your hand and wiped his face with it, cooling him off. You nodded. He smiled a little.
"I love you y/n, I’ve loved you forever.” He slurred, right after throwing up again. You stroked his hair and talked him through it. Telling him exactly how you felt. And he was sure he had never had a happier moment in his life. Then hearing those words come out of your mouth.
"I love you too.” It rung in his head over and over until he convinced himself it was real. After a long night of puking and I love you’s, you and Warren fell asleep in each other’s arms, wanting to be as close to each other as possible.
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Thoughts on Sharpwin in 3x06
First, let me say that I absolutely loved this episode. It was one of my favorites in the entire history of this show. I have been (im)patiently waiting for something seismic to happen with Sharpwin’s development. Apart from Sharpwin, I have been really enjoying this season. However, I had some issues with Sharpwin the first few episodes that I never even spoke to any of you about. Somewhere along the line, I even started doubting whether they’d really become canon this season because I expected the storyline to go in a particular direction. Oh but it’s good to be wrong sometimes. It’s even better when it’s for all the right reasons.
Nevertheless, 3x06 genuinely blew me away. I was floored and just over the moon to be honest—not fazed by anything I saw happen because by now you know one of my favorite things to say is—there is a method to the madness. I am here to show you why and hopefully after all this explanation, wherever there was doubt, you’d be fully persuaded of this and only this—SHARPWIN IS HAPPENING THIS SEASON.
Disclaimer: This episode was a lot! I don’t even know where to start so forgive me in advance if this seems all over the place. I’d try my best to be coherent. Buckle up, this is a long one.
Helen and Cassian
I made an observation on Twitter at the start of the episode that Helen’s relationships always end when they start making future plans—so said, so done. Now that Cassian has left I can give my whole two cents about this relationship.
What purpose did Helen and Cassian’s relationship serve, if any?
Helen started to lean and become more vulnerable. I know what you’re thinking—you wanted her to do that with Max. I wanted the same thing! She hasn’t confided a thing in him at all this season. But, there is something to be said about this arc Helen has been on. I saw a lot of people saying how unnecessary her breakup with Cassian was and that her niece is a teen. Why does Helen need to shut down everything in her life—her romantic life and at work—to focus solely on her teenage niece? Great question. Permit me to share my thoughts. Helen is Max’s opposite. She’s not particularly the multitasking type. I think Meena’s words about her not having time or space in her life for a family really hit her, and hard. When we were introduced to Helen, wanting a family was a major part of her story. I know we haven’t seen much of it since season one, but I reckon that desire hasn’t gone away. Where is it then? Why hasn’t it come up yet this season? I think it has conveniently been on hold and this Meena storyline will unearth a lot of things for Helen in that department.
Helen needed to feel close to someone again after going through a lot of confusing feelings and being scared of closeness post pandemic. You can think whatever you want about Cassian and his chemistry with Helen but that man treated her well. You know what he was exceptional at? Listening. He listened. He didn’t push too hard. He didn’t rush her. He gave her the space and time that she needed. Sometimes, even if you know someone isn’t your forever person, you just want to be cared for and appreciated. I think Helen needed that comfort and Cassian provided that for her. She needed to trust that she could be open again in relationships and he was a good person to teach her that.
Why didn’t she do that with Max? Max could’ve comforted her and been there for her.
What do you think was going through Helen’s mind after she recognized Max wasn’t ready in 2x16? How do you think she feels seeing his ring glaring at her all the time? That ring is evidence that despite what he says, Max is not ready for her yet. He could say how much they’d be great partners and that he’s better because of her. Words are empty without appropriate action. He’s holding on to his crutch (his ring) and he doesn’t want to let it go. That means, if they were to pursue something while Max is still on crutches, guess who’d have to hold him up? Helen Sharpe. She deserves better than having to salvage the pieces of a broken man. Trauma bonding is very easy to do but it becomes very tiresome when one party starts healing and the other remains maimed. Trauma bonding is not love and it is not sustainable.
I also think that Helen doesn’t feel safe with Max as she used to. She sees how many burdens he’s carrying—his job, single parenting, grieving. She probably thinks that she doesn’t want to be one more burden for him. Max knows she’s no good with burden sharing. When her job was on the line in season 2 after she went to a heroin den, she never told him. He knows burden sharing is one of her greatest flaws. She feels this constant need to do things alone. Again, it’s an only child thing. Yes she has a brother, but she grew up alone. She has the psychology of an only child. She always had herself and she’s never once failed herself so that’s where her security lies, but her insecurity is trusting others to help. For her to open up to Max, he has to do the one thing she keeps asking him to do—listen! He pounced his idea on her to be medical director and she couldn’t even get a word out about why it wasn’t a good time for him to speak to her. Maybe she would’ve told him about Meena if he had shut up for two seconds. She told him that he cannot expect someone who suffers from systemic racism to also fix it and he had the audacity to ask her if that meant she’d take him up on his offer. The man was not listening. He just wasn’t.
I honestly expected Cassian’s relationship to be much more of an issue between Sharpwin and not just one episode. Clearly, the writers had other plans. You may think that it did nothing for their relationship but perhaps I may disagree in this light—Max has been saying more. He said a lot on Tuesday night to be honest, albeit in a very Max Goodwin type of way. He’s slowly getting to that place. Believe me when I say that he’s feeling the distance between them and he’s struggling with it. Max knows he has to do something about his relationship with Helen and he knows that his feelings extend far beyond some friendship. I guess the beautiful thing is that Cassian Shin is no longer an obstacle between them but Helen and what she wants and needs now is.
What is really going on with Sharpwin?
I’ve said some things about Sharpwin earlier but I’d dive into just a couple more things.
Why does it feel like Helen ignores Max when he actually says how he feels about her? She never fully addresses it or takes him to task on it. Has she moved on?
Sharpwin seem to currently be on two different pages. Heck, some might think that they are not even reading the same book! Am I worried? Not in the least because I see where this could and would ultimately go. They’re definitely still getting together! To answer the questions above in plain language, Helen has not moved on at all. Not by my estimation. She’s merely evolving. Of course I am going to explain what’s going on with her and subsequently, them [Sharpwin].
Max’s personality is all consuming and I think Helen is so tired of the same things with him that she’s speaking up a lot more. She isn’t letting things slide. She isn’t coddling him. She’s giving him the harsh truth to balance his idealism. She has to and she must do it now! Max hasn’t really changed at all post Georgia. If she doesn’t address his behavior now, he’d bring his same trash ways and try to treat Helen just like he treated Georgia. Guess who is not going to take any of his mess? Helen Sharpe. She’s putting him in check now and he absolutely needs it. The look on his face when he saw how hurt she was in the hallway broke me. He was finally getting it. He was finally starting to see her!
Max wants to be with a biracial woman and not listen? He wants to be with a biracial woman and not know how to deal with racism and even prejudice? He has to know. He has to know that committing to a relationship with Helen means getting stares when they’re out together with a white child because some people would wonder if she’s Luna’s nanny and not mom. It’s going to happen. That’s the sad reality of the myopic world we live in. The show might not explore it but in the real world it would unfortunately happen. Max can’t be fake woke. He can’t be a white savior in their relationship. He has to be an ally and a real one. He has to be the shoulder she wants to and could lean on and cry, when she has to deal with an overwhelming amount of microaggressions. He has to be the one person who she knows could understand her without her having to over explain why something is racist and not gaslight her. She needs that. He has to be ready for that. The moment Max begins actually caring about what Helen needs, she’d open up to him in the way he wants her to. She’d finally burden him.
Why is no one talking about how revolutionary it was that Max respected Helen’s decision? That man consistently does too much when he shouldn’t, and nothing at all when he should. He has been consuming her with all his needs and impossible demands and she said, “enough!” As she should! I found his acceptance of her stepping down absolutely necessary. However, you may disagree with me. Helen told him point blank before, “what about what I need?” He goes off on a tangent and even if she wants to voice her issues, he doesn’t always let her do so. He finally listened—and her gratitude was about much more than his recognition of racism. I’ve always had this deep seated desire to know Helen apart from Max Goodwin’s interference and I hope that I finally get my wish! I want her to develop as an individual.
Max hasn’t been truly seeing Helen. There is a version of her he clearly likes but he needs to learn to love who she really is. She doesn’t need to be consumed with all things Max Goodwin. That has been an ongoing struggle in their relationship since season one. She keeps getting lost in him. She’s her own person and I think he’s slowly coming to that realisation.
That being said….Max and Helen both need to heal! What is the theme of season three? A time to heal. That is not just about the pandemic. It’s also about these characters and their personal lives regardless of the pandemic. New Amsterdam has been exposing character flaws and developing these characters with such depth and nuance that it blows my mind! The healing is about Max and Helen as individuals, learning from their past and fixing their erroneous ways of thinking. It’s about them becoming better individuals for themselves first and then finding each other again. All roads are leading to them finding each other again and this time...for good. When Sharpwin get together I can assure that they’d both be in it for the long haul. As in, “Helen Sharpe you are all I want. You’ve been all I’ve ever needed but I know that for the rest of my life, you’re all I want.” Helen would say to Max, “I wasn’t sure I’d find happiness again. I knew how to do it on my own. With you by my side I know now that I don’t have to and I never want to again. I have you and you’re all I want and need, Max Goodwin.”
What I hope this time apart teaches him is that her place in his life shouldn’t come from his insecure attachment or codependency. I need him to realize that he actually wants the real Helen and not the version that caters to his needs. He wants the real version of her—the biracial version who deals with systemic racism; the strong version that just wants to be weak sometimes; the version that struggles with vulnerability but still allowed him into her inner sanctum in season one; the version whose heart was once wide open and available to him. She wants to let someone in. I just know it. She’s not sure who or how. Helen grew up alone so I imagine isolation drives her. She needs separation to truly feel like herself again and find clarity. That’s what she’d learn about herself being apart from Max, and not being in a romantic relationship with him just yet. She’d be sure of what she wants without any pressure from any external source. She’d be so damn sure that when she makes a commitment to move on, that Max Goodwin is the person to do that with. She’d be sure she wants him for all the right reasons and she’d finally feel safe to love him and share all of who she is with him.
Helen told Akash in season one that she has baggage that she carries with her everywhere she goes. We haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of that baggage. We haven’t even begun to explore what she thinks and how she feels about things. I don’t know about you, but since her little ‘breakdown’ earlier this season, I have been so happy to see her be more vulnerable. It is needed. She’s opening up. She’s changing. She’s evolving.
A lot of people pointed out, on Twitter especially, that this is their second break up and they’ve never even been together. In 1x17 she stepped down as his doctor. In 3x06 she stepped down as his deputy medical director. What if a part of her decision is motivated by her desire for Max to see her in one light and one light only? What if she doesn’t want all these roles she has in his life to continue to obscure the fact that all she really wants to be to him at this point is the love of his life? What if this is her silently pushing him toward that realization and hoping that he’d do something that could make her stay? If she were to stay this time, she’d be staying as the person he loves more than anything, and wants to spend the rest of his life with. She’s evolved in their relationship over the last three years and giving in to his impossible demands while losing sight of who she is is no longer an option for her. She’s not going to be with him and be confused about herself and what she wants or needs. She’s going to be with him when she can fully be the Helen Sharpe she loves and that is the Helen Sharpe Max must love, respect and need but also want. The alternative is that her decision wasn’t motivated by Max at all, which is honestly more plausible to me and I cling to that belief. But you know I love presenting you with opposing views because I like to see the whole picture of something-not just what I want to believe. Nevertheless, it will definitely affect him in a positive light, to be the gasoline on the ember that needs to turn into a ravishing flame, to push him to finally do something about their relationship!
It should be noted that for Sharpwin to really be together, they cannot work together as medical director and deputy. Helen chose herself and stepped down. That decision definitely flows into the story of Sharpwin eventually becoming romantically involved. And just an aside, Helen giving up that post in no way diminishes who she is. I saw some people asking why it always has to be the woman. I don’t think her decision had anything to do with her sacrificing a damn thing for their relationship. Helen is a lot of things, but the sacrificial lamb in their relationship is not one of them. She’s an entity all on her own! It was simply what she thought was best for her at the time.
Is Meena (Helen’s niece) important?
Helen being executor of this will seemed awfully convenient for me. It honestly made no sense that she’d be in charge of that, given the fact that she met her brother all of once. Needless to say, it’s clearly for the plot of introducing Meena. I laughed when Helen said that her apartment isn’t child friendly. Meena isn’t some toddler. She’s a teen for crying out loud! Anyway, it’s obvious that Meena is coming into Helen’s life to dig up some things. Knowing yourself isn’t possible without knowing your past and then figuring out your future. Meena represents a part of Helen that she hadn’t made any time to connect to. Hopefully, with her niece around she does that. I’ve secretly hoped that Meena, in some way, becomes a catalyst for Sharpwin. I have no idea if she’d notice that her aunt needs some real love in her life and has a ‘thing’ for Max Goodwin. I don’t know if she’d also notice that Max Goodwin also has a ‘thing’ for her aunt. I also can’t say if she’d be available to babysit Luna so Sharpwin could have adult time. Who knows? Hopefully this storyline turns out far better than I expect.
I think we’ve come to the end. As always, I’m so grateful you even take the time to read my thoughts and interact! I hope that where there was doubt before, hope and understanding abounds because all these unexpected hurdles could still lead Sharpwin to the expected end—happy, together and loving each other.
Just by the way, I was right about one thing-this epsiode was definitely a turning point in Sharpwin’s relationship. Do you understand now why Laura Valdivia is one of my absolute favorite Sharpwin writers? If you loved the camera angles in this episode as I did, especially with that last scene with Sharpwin, do you now understand why Darnell Martin is my absolute favorite Sharpwin director? I hope you do :)
Archive of our own: tvshipsetc
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An endeavor X bocmo fic idk anymore
I wrapped my arms around his arm, he seemed shocked by my action but was accepting of it, nonetheless. I haven’t heard much from when he was a child- but from what I did, he had it rough. We had kept walking down the street, he said “remember when I first met you?” I nodded, smiling, as we both remembered the first day, we were both at UA high- same class, same grades, lovers- almost. If his insane drive to beat allmight hadn’t ruined it- it’s all he thought about, he drove everyone away to focus on becoming better than allmight. Everything he did from that first year was to surpass allmight, and from his life on- until everything around him collapsed- the reports got out on how he treated his children. I was shocked- as most people are, he had enough money to get good lawyers, His image has never been the same- and his children- oh, shoto- poor shoto. enji’s trying to be a better father- he is, it’s just shoto and the rest of the todorokis can never forgive him, and I understand. He hates who he was- he’s seen that he ruined so many lives with his obsession- he said tomorrow I should try to speak to them, I’ve never met his children- do you think they’ll hate me? I’d imagine they would, after all, im courting the man that ruined their life.
Well, I met shoto, I’ll just re-write what he said;
“How are you?”
“Why would you care? Your just some whore who has relations with my father”
“Im no whore-”
“Yes you are, no women with any sense would ever love my father”
“Shoto, what your father did to you and your siblings is unforgivable, but he’s trying to change-,”
“CHANGE? CHANGE MY ASS! HE’S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE,” he was trying not to cry at this point- I went to try and hug him,
‘GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE MY STEPMOTHER- YOU’RE JUST GOING TO BE SOME WHORE!I’LL KILL MYSELF TONIGHT BEFORE I EVEN LET YOU NEAR ME! I’ll die-you wouldn’t care- no one would-” he was sobbing- his arms wrapped around his body, I knew what was happening, he was creating barriers. He wasn’t used to showing emotion, so when he did it was in big outbursts. I opened my arms for a hug, lord knows he needed it, and he just collapsed in my arms, sobbing.
“I-im s-sorry- please don’t tell him- please-”
“I won’t shoto, you’re going to be ok”
“You can’t prove that- no one can-”
“Shoto, the worlds not out to get you, I know you’d think that, but it’s not”
He hugged me tighter, and enji walked back inside-
“What’s wrong!?! What happened?”
“It’s nothing father” shoto got up and went to his room. You could cut the tension with a knife-
“Bocmo- what happened-? Did I do that?” His voice was shaky.
“It’s not your fault- well you right now. Just don’t confront him about it- he’s scared and things are changing- and the only change he’s ever had was bad-”
“Well yes- but why would he-doesn’t he see I’ve changed?”
“Enji what you did hurt him, you’ll need to give him years to even think of you as not horrible, the best thing you can do is show him, love, through it all.”
“But-” He sighed- he knew I was right,
“Im sorry enji, but these things take time” we hugged. He still seemed upset. He went and sat down on the couch, still in a state of shock.
“Well, I might not have been the best thing for shoto to see when he came home,” he looked up, confused.
“What do you mean? I don’t understand-”
I sat next to him.
“Well, he’s still angered by what you did to his mother- and to see me, well, he’s most likely thinking that I’m trying to replace his mother-”
He sighed, clearly tired. “That makes some sense-but your not trying to replace his mother- well I’d hope not”
I hugged him, he needed it, and that’s when I felt his tears- I’d never seen him cry. His tears were warm, and I just pulled him into a tighter hug. “Shh, it’s going to be ok, he’ll forgive you,” I just kept saying that, rubbing his hair, and he just cried. I don’t know how long I stayed there, but it didn’t matter, enji felt better. Well, shoto happened to walk by a couple of times while enji cried- and I don’t think he’s ever seen him cry- or anything but angry. It scared him, I think- he’s always seen his father as a monster, and if I had been through what he did- I would too. “Enji, I can’t read your mind, though im trying all the time, you’ll need to tell me how you feel- I know it makes you feel weak, but I promise you your no weak man.”
He sniffled- still upset “but- im supposed to be number one- I can’t help others if I need help! What if it turns out there is no other! I-i had it all-”
I held his face in my hands, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’ll be your guiding light, and I know, you claim that you’re alright. Well fix your eyes on me, I guess im all you have. I swear you’ll see the dawn again”
he was crying again. “I-i-” He kept sobbing. He had nothing to say, he just cried out in his anger and shame.
“Don’t waste your time fixing problems you’ve made in your head” He kept crying, hugging me, I’d never seen him so unkempt. “Enji, I love you, and nothing can change that, I promise you” he looked up at me, and just smiled. It wasn’t a tv smile, it was his real, loving smile.
“I love you more- more than you think I do” I was honestly dying at this point, stabbing me would’ve had the same effect. It was the first time he said he loved me- well I knew he had, and does. But he still never said it loud enough for more than me to hear. I think he was embarrassed- for himself- he never really was the “feeling” type. Shoto walked out and to the kitchen for maybe the 5th time, and all he could do is watch in disbelief- I don’t blame him, I was just as shocked as he was. All he did was walk over, give enji a hug, and walk back to his room. “ did you see that! He hugged me! He hugged me!” he was so happy! It was nice to see him so happy.
“See! He’ll forgive you, give him time my dear”
he hugged me, and just seemed at peace. “Well- heh- uh- what do we do now-”
I shrugged. We didn’t need to do anything. We sat on the couch, not cuddling, but not apart either, we just sat together.
Shoto walked out, and enji looked up and smiled at him. shoto was shocked but seemed, welcoming, not happy- but he seemed calmer. “Well, father, I have some news, uh-”
Enji sat up, clearly concerned. “Is something wrong shoto? Are you hurt?”
shoto was scared, “well, father i- well, im- gay-”
Enji was shocked, He still, wasn’t used to the coming-out thing- but I knew he’d love his son. No matter what he did. “Shoto! Well, that’s great” shoto seemed relieved, at best. I think he was still so scared he couldn’t think about much else, enji tried to hug him. Shoto backed away- which I understand. “Shoto- im not going to- shoto I know I’ve hurt you in the past- but I’ve changed- I wouldn’t hurt you” shoto just stood there, a little shocked, if I am to be honest.
“Shoto- just give him a chance- he’s changed shoto- he won’t hurt you” shoto just stood there, and slowly he hugged enji.
“Shoto, I’ve done many things not worth forgiving- but I love you shoto, I’ve realized it now- im so sorry for the things I’ve done- I was blinded by pride-” Enji wrapped his arms around shoto, slightly crying.
“Father- im sorry- I didn’t-” Shoto hugged Enji tightly, tears forming on his eyelashes.
They just kept crying- “shoto, enji, it’s going to be ok- you’ve had problems, but I can help you fix them” I won’t ever know what went on shotos head, but I’d assume it was good, because he hugged me back, smiling.
“Shoto- im sorry- I love you- how could I make it up to you? I don’t know how-” Enji looked down at shoto, and to me.
Shoto looked at Enji, and then at me. “well- bocmo, wasn’t it? Well, she’s helped you- and I think you should marry her-”
I was just as shocked as enji was- but then, as if it was planned- got on one knee- and PROPOSED! I was a mess! Laughing, crying, and, well a lot of hugging. With a couple of sneaked kisses.
“Well- heh,” Shoto seemed much calmer.
“Thank you, both of you- shoto, for at least accepting the idea of me being your stepmother, and for basically proposing for enji, and enji, I’d like to thank you for wanting me to be your wife-” I hugged them tightly, smiling.
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I am not sure why but here lately things are getting bad again. I can’t figure out when it all started to go downhill again. I mean it was never really better but at least I had the will to do something with my life, now I’m right back at the beginning...
I don’t even know why things are bad again, nothing happened to change anything, but still I don’t want to eat I don’t wanna get out of bed. Smoking doesn’t make anything better it’s only a pause button so I can sleep.
I put in this front like I used to and everyone thinks I am better. I really just want one person to notice that I’m not okay anymore.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want to slip up and do something stupid again. But at this point where is my life going. I didn’t go to college I work at fucking McDonald’s who wants to do that the rest of there life.
I had plans man, I had fucking plans. But just like everything else I wasn’t good enough for these plans.
I want to make everyone happy but I just can’t. And I literally have no one anymore. Austin is so consumed me his life and I don’t want him to worry. Kaylee and Christin are happy and doing good for them selves and I don’t want them to see me as weak. Curtis has enough going on in his life for a 12 year old. My mom doesn’t seem like she cares. My dad doesn’t give a shit about me, but what’s new. And my step dad tho I love him to death I really don’t think he cares.
Despite all of that I wanted to make myself happy. I wanted to do something with my life and I feel like it’s too late. Not only that I don’t feel good enough.
How am I supposed to do what I wanted to do when I can’t even get out of bed. I’m tired of thinking that everything’s going to get better when everyday is the same. I get reminded day in and day out of how I’ll never measure up.
Ya know for a 19 year old girl who grew up around drugs and sex I could be doing a lot worse than what I’ve done.
I thought things would be different by now. I thought I’d be at college studying my dream career path, but shit even if I did apply to colleges and had the drive, I couldn’t afford to go to school.
I can’t even sit back and imagine a future for myself. It’s like I’ll never be happy.
Man when I was younger i wanted to work hard and be good. Now I just want to make it through the day without crying.
I’m so worried about disappointing everyone I won’t ask for help and clearly no one is going to notice that there is anything wrong with me.
The moment I show any emotion everyone says I have an attitude or that I am in a mood.
WHY CAN NO INE FUCKING ASK IF IM OKAY.
NEWS FLASH : I’m not.
I’m fucking struggling. I just want to know that it gets better than this. I know everyone says it and shit I tell everyone that but it’s so hard when you can’t even picture you’re self waking up in the morning.
I just want to sleep right now and I can’t shut off my brain and stop crying. I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me. Like just yesterday I thought I was happy. I don’t know why I just had a really up day yesterday even after the incident at work, and today was okay nothing major nothing to make me feel like this. I just want it all to be over...
Night turns into day and everyone is here and still no one can see that somethings actually wrong with me. I didn’t have the energy to hide it today. So everyone thinks I’m just in a mood, and I’m still being put down by my mother like always.
I swear if I die she’d actually be happy. She wouldn’t always have to complain about me. No matter what I do good or bad it’s never enough for her so why try.
With everything that is going on it’s not the right day for me to be sad and I’m trying not to, but it’s so hard to hide it right now.
I wish I wasn’t like this, I hate it. I used to always be the one that looked on the bright side and seen everything good in life, but what’s so good about this life.
We sit back and try so fucking hard to be happy and then we die. What’s the fucking point in it.
Don’t get me wrong now there’s so many precious moments that I hold dear but I would give anything to be at peace. I want all this pain to go away, but it only seems to be getting worse. And if I hear “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest solders” one more time I’m going to lose my shit.
I’m not strong I didn’t ask to go through all this. If anything I just want to get through one day and be genuinely happy for once in my fucking life. I just don’t see that happening anytime soon. I wanna give up so bad, but I’m scared of letting down three people.
It just seems like it would be the most easiest thing at this point. I don’t want to do it anymore.
At this point I feel like I’m talking in circles. While typing this I’m trying to keep my cool and not show that anything is wrong with me I don’t think I’m doing to great.
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Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14
Pairings: Reader x Steve Rogers (best friend) Reader x Bucky Barnes
Warnings: Slow Start, Language.
Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.
Annnddd I’m back! so I know it’s been a while since the last update and I just wanna thank you all for having patience with me while I finished up with college, just a warning this chapter may feel a little awkward to read due to me just getting back into my writing mind so apologises in advance for this one. Anyways I’ll quit blabbering, Enjoy everyone! :)
This was my day of reckoning, my punishment for all the bad deeds I’d done over the past couple of years…I was finally being sent to school. Okay maybe that was a tad dramatic, but can you blame me? I mean who wants to be trapped in a building against their will for 7 hours straight learning about dead guys?! No sane person would willingly agree to that crap!
I’ve tried just about everything to avoid my approaching doom, hell I even went as far as hiding in the basement surrounded by cobwebs to try and get out of this, but as per usual neither Steve or Bucky took mercy on me, hence why in currently trapped between the two. “You are aware I’m perfectly capable of walkin’ by myself aren’t ya? The looping of the arms is not needed boys” I swear down these two are being more annoying than usual, and I didn’t think that was humanly possible cause these two are basically the living embodiment of annoyance. Steve turned and raised his eyebrows at me, shaking his head as he let out a small laugh, “Yeah there’s absolutely no way I’m fallin’ for that again, last time that happened it look me and Buck an hour to get you outta that tree”. Ah crap there goes that plan.
I’m pretty sure the noise I made wasn’t even human, it was a mix between a seal and a possessed monkey “I’m not gonna get outta this am I?” “Nope” and que another frustrated groan. “Is this payback for the time I placed that bucket of flour above your bedroom door and watched the both of you turn into ghosts? If it is then I want you to know I regret nothin’” both of them stopped and glared at me, for some reason they didn’t find that as funny as I did, and I have no idea why. Okay whatever you do y/n don’t laugh, even if Steve’s face looks like a slapped arse don’t laugh! A snicker slipped past my lips and a few seconds later I was full on laughin’. Goddamn it.
Both of em just let out a bunch of sighs and started draggin’ my butt along the street, wait there’s somethin’ I haven’t tried yet…in hindsight this is completely stupid but screw it. “OH MY GOD LOOK A SPACESHIP!” I’m pretty sure poor Bucky jumped outta his skin, Steve ended up trippin’ up and falling down, I’ll admit that I felt bad about but hey may plan worked! So why am I still standin’ there?… maybe we try this thing called running y/n! I quickly pulled my arm away from Bucky and used my new-found freedom to run in the opposite direction of them, I could hear the shouts of protest from the both of them, so I decided to kindly ignore them and absolutely leg it. “GODAMMN IT Y/N! THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME THIS MORNIN’!” when were the boys gonna catch on that I didn’t wanna go? Do I need to prepare a firework show and blast it in their faces or somethin’…probably.
I know I probably shouldn’t be smiling, but the feeling of the wind flowing through my hair as my feet hit the ground made me feel free, after so many years I could finally begin acting my age and enjoy my childhood. I finally felt content with my life, which is probably the opposite of what I should be feeling at this moment in time, considering I was currently making my grand escape. And to completely honest I’ve got no bloody clue as to where I am. I glanced behind me to see where the hell those idiots were, to my surprise Steve was directly behind me, Buck was somewhere in the back holdin’ his knee and I’m guessing the daft sod decked it. Why am I not surprised? Okay maybe I should of kept my mouth shut cause literally a second later my foot tripped over a rock and, you guessed correctly, I landed on my ass for the thousandth time!
“Sh*t! Cr*p! B*lls! That f**king hurt!” and that ladies and gentlemen is my fine command of the queens English, a groan of pain made me loose my train of thought as I turned my head to Steve, to put it simply he was laid flat on his back with his eye closed. Well there’s the rush of guilt I’ve been waiting for, “Sh*t Steve I’m sorry, you okay down there tough guy?” I quickly offered him my hand to help him up, I mean it’s the least I could do. Steve’s hand grabbed mine, a not so quiet grunt of pain made me feel even worse, quick question why am I such an assh*le at times? “Yeah, I’m fine y/n, don’t worry about it you know for a fact I’ve had worse” a quiet sigh left my lips as I brought him in for a hug, which was a tiny bit awkward due to the height difference. Once we pulled away from each other, I couldn’t supress the need to check him for anymore injuries, much to Steve’s embarrassment and Bucky’s amusement, “Jesus I’m gonna have to start wrapping ya up in blankets and pillows, Steve how the hell did you manage to get a bruise on your ear?!”
The sudden gasp behind me pretty much answered the question for me, it’s safe to say barney boy is in trouble…for the first in my life Bucky looks pretty f**king terrified of me, perfect. Slowly I started inching towards him, the glare I was sending him would probably make a demon cry for his mum…so yeah imma go kill the boy. I didn’t even have to say anything, he just started runnin’, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE STOLE MY FR**KING PUDDIN’ AND THE PUNK KNOWS I LOVE MY PUDDIN!’” YEP DEFINITELY KILLIN’ HIM “HE IS A SMALL AND GENTLE BOY HOW IN THE NAME OF HELL CAN YOU EVEN THINK OF LAYIN’ A HAND ON ‘IM?!” god this sounds like a bleeding soap opera.
At this point I wouldn’t be surprised of someone called the cops on us, all everyone woulda seen was a big lad runnin’ for his life as a small lass tried to murder him while a smaller lad ran after the pair yellin’ for em to quit it. Now that I think about, that’s actually hilarious. Wait, where was I? ah yes the murdering of one James Barnes…okay that is not a normal sentence I am aware. “HE.STOLE.MY.PUDDIN’! THAT A CRIME WORTHY OF DEATH!” oh for f**ksake “HOW THE HELL DO YA KNOW IT WAS HIM?! DID YOU NOT THINK IT COULDA BE BECCA?!” I think he made a sudden realisation, cause the dumbass stopped running and BOOM I was on the freakin’ floor. Again. We both groaned, mine was mostly in annoyance more than anything, but seriously the bloody floor is quickly becoming me best mate! “…. It just dawned on me that that could be a possibility…” if my neck twisted any quicker I’m 100% sure that I’d end up doin’ that weird owl thing “Oh now you realise?! Ya gonna say sorry to Steve or not?” a few seconds of silence gave me my answer. “Don’t give me that look y/n! I ain’t doing s**t till I’ve got some evidence so he’s still under my list of suspects!” oh my Jesus Christ this is gonna be the day I get arrested for murder isn’t it?
“Barnaby…you have exactly five seconds to run for your life so I highly recommend you get your affairs in order and kiss ya ass goodbye” oh hey look at that I didn’t yell at him! Well done me I’m so proud! “could you two quit trying to kill each other for 5 minutes?! We’re already late enough as is it and I ain’t explainin’ to the teacher why Buck’s outta it on the floor!” my f**kin god Steve just yelled! At me! why do I never have a camera when this s**t happens? “Jeez, alright I’ll murder him later, calm your damn t*ts Rogers” and cue the sound of barely contained frustration in 3,2,1….
“I’m beginning to get the feelin’ that you don’t like me y/n” oh really? I wonder what gave that away “wow you catch on quickly don’t ya Barnaby?” by the looks of things I’m really doing wonders for his ego, buck’s head looks like it’s gotten smaller so the risk of him turning into a hot air balloon’s gone down. The feeling of a pair of eyes glaring at the back of my head once again reminded me that the blonde boy was quickly getting tired of our crap, my worst fears were confirmed once I met Steve’s surprisingly intimidating glare…how he manages to be both adorable and beyond f**king terrifying is a mystery to me. “Okay I’m comin’ just stop staring at me like I just murdered your kitten!” and the little s**t has the nerve to smirk and look pleased with himself, ugh he’s been hanging ‘round me and Bucky too long that’s for sure.
“Ya know Buck and you are gonna be the death of me” right do I be offended or pleased with that statement? “actually, if anything it’s gonna be the pair of you that send me to an early grave cause god knows the both of ya don’t know how to stay outta trouble” two muffled sounds of protest came from my left and from behind me, “what’s that supposed to mean?!” once again the point has been missed “do you really wanna know the answer to that? I’ve got my report and presentation ready on how you two are a pair of numpties”.
Maybe that was a tad harsh…okay wait never mind it seems I’ve learned how to fly again with the assistance of one James Buchannan Barnes. “this is coming from the girl who can’t walk five feet without fallin’ over somethin’?” as much as I hate to admit it the walking embodiment of frustration and annoyance has a point “what you call fallin’ I call floor hugs, now how about you pUT ME DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” wait when did Steve walk off? See this is what happens when an overgrown ape demands attention. I don’t even have to look at Buck to know he’s givin’ me that look that says, “what the hell?” and “I’m not surprised by this” at the same time, “Nah I don’t think that’s gonna happen doll” the temptation to kick ‘im where the sun doesn’t shine is too much to bare for me at this point. “And you wonder why I love Steve more that you” Buck’s face kinda looked like someone just shoved a whole lemon in his mouth, I’m almost certain that he woulda dropped me on my ass if it wasn’t for the fact that Steve came over and dragged us both through the gates of hell.
This is gonna be so much fun!……said no-one ever.
Okay…maybe it didn’t suck as much a thought it did, hopefully my skills as a writer will come back for the next couple of chapters XD Thanks for reading ! :)
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I'm feeling stupid and overwhelmed again. I'm home and I'm trying to be mentally chill and it's almost working. But I'm still so touchy about Dottie. I want to escape from my emotions and also face them at the same time. I'd honestly rather face them at this point, I have a trip with Kai tomorrow and my brain is fucking fucked over it.
I'm gonna write about it physically later, but I don't seem to want to start the task of packing or responding or planning with Kai, cause I'm feeling so frozen. I feel fear and hesitance underneath it. Bc I'm afraid that she's planning one trip, but will end up disappoint and sour bc I don't fufill her emotionally
I'm feeling frustrated by that preemptively bc it pisses me the fuck off to be emotionally manhandled. And when someone pedestals me, only to resent me for failing due to mental illness, it SUX!
Since I'm feeling so anxious, I asked Kai about their expectations for the trip. It's been a major relief for them to list out what they expect and hope for, bc now I can relax within those boundaries, or expect to fufill or ask to have my need fufilled, by knowing what's already ON the agenda.
Underneath the fear, I've super excited to be doing this with Kai. It's just scary as fuck bc it's a big fucking trip and I'm so fucking scared I'm gonna mess this shit up and make it a horrible time.
That feels like an old mom projection, bc she emotionally ruined everything. Literally everything. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. And, okay! I know I'm too overly sensitive to it at this point, that I over shut down. Learning not everyone will treat me like her is a HUGE learning curve.
I just keep fucking deactivating around Kai. Like a FUCKING WALL, RIGHT IN MY FACE. ITS OBNOXIOUS AND KEEPS ME FROM ENJOYING THE MOMENT AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
also occuring to me rn that I can be... WHOEVER I want now ... Not just Kaitlyn generic girl ..but... Anyone. Anyone I want to build out of me.
This past year I've felt very shut down. Yes, I've been coming thru recovery, but bc of covid and also just me, I've isolated super super super hard. It was good bc I can solely focus on recovery and I genuinely need this focus. But also... Who am I anymore? I don't have to be the same. ... I'm so so intimidates by the choice to express myself, TRULY, however I want. Bc WHY SHOULD I LIVE IN THIS BOX??? I don't even know who I could be. I'm thinking rn of Sinbad. I rather like Sinbad.
I just preemptively feel guilty for misrepresenting myself as someone else who I'm not, and also afraid of horrific judgement and that I pick the wrong thing and become a bad human being with a bad life and no future. Afraid I'll be poor and it'll be my fault for not trying harder and dedicating myself. Afraid I'll only be a trophy for someone, and not a real prize in and of myself as a human. I'm afraid I don't have any worth all on my own. And no matter what value I add to the world or what skills I gain or hone, I still feel like a useless pretty thing. W/o intellect or course of study. Is what I project even what I want?
I don't know who I am, or what I want, other than loving relationships in my life. I do know I guess some things. Like that I am invigorated by Nature /science etc.
Returning to the Kai things -- so yeah, I like a lot about them. I like a lot about them a lot. I truly want to see where this goes and if it can turn into something that really feels secure (I expect this will be like Ralph/dynamic, anxious, learning-- tho Ralph is more mature in general, obvs).
Dottie is doing the annoying whining again. I'm taking it better bc I took time for myself earlier at the park. But she wants me to help her track down a piece of kibble she can shift out. But I can't find it and I'm tired of looking for it and I'm done. I told her no a couple times now and it's PISSED ME OFF SHES STILL WHINING AND ASKING ABOUT IT.
I just fucking left the room bc I was feeling LIVID bc I told her no angrily (but apparently imperfectly ////s) and now I guess she's upset I'm upset or some shit IDK!!!! THATS LITERALKY THE FUCKING FUCK POINT I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SHE EANTS FROM ME ANYMKRE AND IM TIRED AS FUCK!!! OF TRYING TO FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT. ITS SO FUCKING ANNYING FOR HER TO KEEP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ON SOMETHIFN I'VE ALREADY FUCKING ANSWERED ON. I CANT FIND IT. SHE CANT FIND IT. EHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TL DO???? I TOOK OUT THE BOX. I OPENED THE BOXES. I LET YOU SNIFF THE FUCKIBG BOXES, WHERE YOU THOUGHR SAID KIBBLE WAS. BUT IT WASNT THERE SO I CLEARED THE SHELFfuckig fuck fuck I hate that I'm frustrated to this level goin on about it just makes me feel like I'm playing the victim for drama and attention but I legitamently feel this fired up about it. But it's not about It. It's about that when we were finsihed with our shared moment together, and I went back to my moment, she followed me into My Moment to invade my space with annoying fucking noises and shit. I couldn't focus on her bc if returned to myself and couldn't see her through the veil.
I just feel so fucking tired of having to get through this much fucking emotion so I can clear my head for a hopefully good trip. I'm fucking freaking out now that my brain won't cooperate and I'll ruin everything by being there.
I wanna go back so I can hide in the good times. I'm scared every moment forward is more fucking bad shit. But it's not been. It's never been that bad again, except for Randy. And being around mom. Dating Corey wasn't the best, but it would have been better if I had -- listened to myself , meaning a part of me wasn't cool with him , didn't trust him, knew I was a prop ----- but at the same time, we're all acting out roles, expectations. So who am I to judge him. I date him so I must have liked him or thought him redeemable. I don't understand. I guess I stayed bc I wanted to see it get better. Or thought it could/would. But I never felt safe with him, so I never let him in. And Im okay with that bc we made no promises.
It feels really cringe to look at how I end up in romantic relationships. I want to honor people with love the way I do my friends, but I don't know how to allow someone that close. Peach is my closest friend, and idk.. I don't feel like I have to try anything to be friends with her. Same with John. It's just natural (which honestly scares the shit out of me, bc trauma). I still don't trust all of me, though I am trusting myself much more these days. I don't trust to the darkest corners, bc I don't know yet what's there for sure.
I'm trying to write out all my angst, so I can enjoy my trip tomorrow. I know I'll feel calmer once I'm packed and know everything will be okay. I have to leave Dottie behind this time and it's the first trip I'm taking without her since getting her. I want to hug her so tightly and just cry hug her for a little while, but I'd feel so guilty for dumping my emotions on her when she won't understand what's happening or why I'm upset.
DOTTIES FUCKIBG BARKINF AGAIN AND I WANT TO RIP HER HEAD OFF. I TOLD HER TO STOP, I CORRWCRED HER, AMD SHE IS STILL !!!!!FUCKING!!!!!!! !!!!!!BARKING!!!!!!! ARE YOU FUCKIGN KIDDING ME DOG. JESUS WHAT THE FUCK. SHUT THE FUCK UP. WE ALREADY TOLD YOU ASSHOLE. STOP SPOUNTING OFF. WE'RE HUMANS, WE DONT LIKE THAG FUCKING NOISE ALL THE FUCKING TJME. I FUCKING HATE THE LOUD NOISES PLEASE FUCKING STOP. PLEASE. FUCKING. STOP. PLEASE. FUCKING STOP. PLEASE. FUCKING STOP. STOP. FUCKING STOP. DOTTIE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AMD STOP FUCKING BARKING.
What pissed me off is that I yelled at her her commands and she stopped fucking barking and then decided to start barking again (unsure, but persistent) and it was clearly ignoring the command I just gave her. I am fucking beside myself with rage. It's not even white hot, it's compltely taking control of me. I wanted to bang as hard as I could on my door to scare the shit out of her to make her stop but thats when I caught myself. She was still barking but I started typing bc all I wanted to do was go out there and beat her for disobeying me when she was doing something wrong.
I have to let go of trying to control her. I don't fucking know how to be a pet parent by any other script than my abusive parents. It drives me insane that I can be good and kind to others' dogs, but the I get so upset at Dottie. I know it has to do with the fact that I keep everyone emotionally out, and that intimacy triggers me. ... But I have to move through it. I have to. I can't have this rage grenade inside me forever. Life has to get easier than this. And if I have to physically look at the world a little differently, than I GOING TO COMMIT TO THAT CHANGE.
I think I can begin changing my perception of Dotties whining attention by framing it as her being brave enough to voice her concerns and protests. I'm feeling stupidly guilty every time she whines for something bc it feels like I'm failing her.
What I can do instead is frame it as a Need From Dottie that I can HELP meet. (I'm confused bc she's technically my dependent, so all of her needs are my concern. But I don't know what to do about situations like the kibble. Bc I felt like I handled that fine, yet she kept pushing cause she wasn't happy. I had to leave bc she was driving me fucking crazy by not stopping.
I'm worried about the trip too. Since I'm leaving Dottie behind, I'm concerned with how she'll feel and whether or not she will be taken care of while I'm not here. Yes my roommates are responsible, Dottie's mostly responsible, so I know things will be Fine. I'm just worried that... She'll be better off without me? Lol I'm also feeling guilty for not bringing her when camping / nature was the biggest reason that I got a dog in the first place. It feels wrong to be leaving her behind on such a "major" trip. But I know Kai and I honestly need se time to properly bond. I want to be able to drop my guard around them and trust them to honor my space. Idk. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I feel like a giant kid again and I feel DRASTICALLY UNDESERVIMG OF THIS TRIP. Bc I'm not contributing to much of it, financial or plans wise, I'm worried I'm dead weight and abusing Kai's generosity. I almost don't want to go bc I don't want them to over reach themselves and over provide for me then resent me if I dont repay the favor "in kind", whatever that means to Kai.
I worry bc Kai has warning signs that I've seen in others before.
I'm worried bc I want it to work, and I don't want to be the reason it all goes to shit.
My little runaway pt. 3
(Summary: after returning back to the sacutuary negan leaves on one of his runs only to come back to an unexpected turn of events.)
⚠Warning: strong language, angst, physical fighting, smut⚠
3 days later
Its been days since negan has been out on his run youve been helping out around the sanctuary cleaning and cooking for everyone. You have been letting people slide without using their points for food and other activities. The point system always seemed like a dumb idea to you never seemed fair to have people earn points just for things they desperately needed. Finishing up the dishes in the kitchen you heard everyone in the dining hall go silent. You walked around the corner to see everyone on their knees..negan must have arrived you kept yourself hidden in the kitchen knowing you havent been exactly following by his rules since he has been gone. Quietly finishing putting up the dishes you sneak outside around back moments before negan suddenly bursts outside.
"(Y/n)....where are you!!" Negan began pacing around looking for you when he turned the corner to see you leaning up against the wall
Negan charged up to you grabbing you by the throat slamming you against the wall.
"What is with you!?" You said clearly before getting all of the air stuck from entering into you
Negan began to drag you back inside infront of all saviors throwing you on the floor with a loud thump as your body hit the ground.
" i want everyone to see whos in charge here and its me!! Not her..me...im sorry you guys have to witness this the hard way....but you leave me no other choice..rules are rules!" negan gripped lucille tightly raising her above his head
You were sitting on the concrete floor still trying to comprehend everything that is going on and, in a sudden flash you were struck across the arm. A sharp shooting pain bursted throughout my whole body causing me to scream in agony. Blood was rushing down your arm you covered it with your hand feeling it seep between your fingers. You were now laying on the floor crying infront of everyone feeling humiliated while negan stood there with a nasty grin. He began to get ready to strike you again. The bat slashed across your arm again this time harder and more painful feeling of the barbwire sinking into your flesh ripping it off. You tried to protect your face with your hands before he could get another swing in. Blood now splattered all over negan your screams now filled the building of the sanctuary
"Negan stop!" Dwight stepped infront of negan blocking you
Negans eyes grew black as he realized what dwight was doing. He knew he was getting his fair share of punishment too for stepping up.
"She cant take it.....negan she is your bestfriend she is bleeding out you are going to kill her!" Dwight yelled
Realizing what he had just done negan dropped lucille to the ground everything began to feel like it was in slow-motion and, my head was pounding. Negan pushed Dwight out of the way and scooped you up dripping blood all over his white shirt he rushed you to the doctor they had there. Busting in through the door he placed you down on the operating table the last thing you seen was negan staring back at you before everything went black.
"Fuck me harder..." You could feel yourself slowly buckling under him.
With every thrust negan was grunting louder his cock filled you up perfectly. The wetness of your pussy making that sexy sound he loved so much. You had almost forgotten that you were fucking in his and lucilles bed...which made you feel like a peice of shit. Lucille was in the hospital dying from cancer and negan said this was a way to help him "cope". I thought otherwise....
"Fuck you are so tight.....your pussy feels so fucking good" negan moaned biting at your neck slamming into your pussy faster.
You began to drag your nails down his back causing him to grunt out in pain he then grabbed you by the throat squeezing untill you let out small moans. He began fucking you faster you couls feel his cock swelling up inside of you getting him closer to the edge of blowing his load. He took his free hand gently rubbing it over your clit. Your moaning grew louder and louder the faster his fingers went.
"Negan.....how could you!" A faint voice called out.....
*end of Nightmare*
You suddenly woke up in a sweaty panic to only realize you were hooked up to IV monitor's. You began to raise yourself up when a sharp pain beamed through your arm causing you to cry out in pain you looked around the room and spotted negan in the chair beside you slumped over fast asleep. Everything that happended slwoly started coming back to you negan humiliating you infront of everyone and, almost killing you with lucille.
"Your up..." Neagn said in a raspy tired tone
You couldn't bring yourself to say anything to him not after what he just did to you he could have killed you!. All you could do was stare at him you didnt even know who you were staring at anymore all you knew is that you had to get out of here nothing will ever change with him. Ever.
Negan rose up from his seat moving over to the bed sitting down by you he raised up his hand to caress your face which caused you to flinch. His face looked full of guilt and sadness he was struggling to keep eye contact with you. You pushed his hand off of you shooting him a dirty look.
"I need you to leave....now" you spoke through gritted teeth turning your face away from him.
"I dont want anything to do with you ever again!!..im done with you..now get out!" A fire grew inside of you, your voice full of rage there was no other choice but to distance yourself from this moster. Negans face twitched at the words that had just came out of your mouth he looked at you one last time before stading up to grab Lucille. It felt like there was a knot in your throat it was hard for you to do this but it had to end this way.
Its been weeks since me and negan have spoke let alone make eye contact with eachother. Ive been getting along with everyone nicely in the sanctuary even have been going on a few supply runs, not with negan course. My arm was almost fully healed but im left with an eye sore of a scar i have to deal with for the rest of my life. I cant forgive negan for what he did to me he went to far this time i can no longer put my trust in him. My night terrors have been increasingly bad lately i always end up tossing and turning all night. Dwight and i have actually been getting along with eachother and working as a team he has been keeping in touch with rick for me. Dwight isnt so fond of negan anymore either hes been sneaking around behind negans back giving information to Daryl.
I was in my room getting dressed when there was a sudden knock on my door it was dwight.
"Hey...how you doing?" He walked in leaving the door open behind him
"Im okay. Whats up?" I questioned, while sliding a knife into my belt loop
"Im not sure how to say this but we have to go on a run today wit-"
"Okay? Thats fine with me" i cut him off mid scentence while sliding on my leather jacket
"With negan..." He finished.
You took a deep breath in and ruffled your hair with your fingers annoyingly before letting your hands fall on your thighs causing it to make a slapping sound. Dwight stood there staring at the ground nervously waiting for you to respond.
"Okay then..." Letting out a deep sigh as much as you didnt want to be around negan you really didnt have any other choice right now. You and dwight left your room only to bump yourself into negan causing you both to grunt you just pushed right past him not saying anything making your way out to the truck ready to leave. Negan walks outside up to the truck you can hear him faintly whispering to someone. The door flings open and with one swift motion negan plops down in his seat slamming the door shut. You could feel negans eyes on you from the rearview mirror. Dwight hopped in the driver seat and drove off causing for an awkward silence untill we reached our destination.
"I gotcha.." Dwight said holding out his hand to help you out of the truck
All you could do was keep quiet and take the offer dwight was giving, negan as usual was standing there with a cocked smile ready at any moment to say some smartass bullshit. The three of us began to walk off when we came up on a pharmacy the windows were untouched, no broken glass all of the shelves look fully stocked Negan walked in tapping lucille on the counter giving warning to any walkers that could be inside. I followed behind him heading straight over to the medicine filling my bag up. All negan could do was walk around while watching me and dwight stock up on everything we needed.
"This place is a gold mine....untouched" negan said pacing back and forth
You were watching Negan gaze out of the front window of the building when we heard a yell come from the backroom we all quickly ran back there it was a man getting eaten by a walker, ripping his flesh off of his bones peice by peice.
"Put him out of his misery what are you waiting for!!?" You panicked yelling at negan
"Dwight ..." Negan said in a low tone
"You fucking coward!" You quickly pulled your gun out of your pocket pulling the trigger putting a bullet in the poor mans skull
"Wow....fiesty..." Negan said licking his bottom lip
"You fucking disgust me!...you are pathetic!!" You shoved your gun back into your pocket marching up to negan
"Dont excite me now darlin.." He let out a dirty grin slicking his hair back with his free hand
"Im so fucking tired of you...you act like you are the greatest man alive. You are a cheater! And a liar! Thats all you ever will be lucille would of never wanted this!" you screamed in his face before marching back to the truck. Negan and dwight came out to the truck shortly while gathering up the rest of the supplies. All you could do was sit with your arms crossed and a bitchy look on your face. Negan kept glacing at you out of the corner of his eye as if he had to keep watch over you.
When you arrived back at the sanctuary you rushed out of the truck storming off to your room slamming the door shut behind you. You were rumaging through the cabnets hoping to find a bottle of alcohol to calm yourself down with. The thoughts just kept floading through your head the night lucille died...you couldnt get negan cheating on her out of your mind you felt so guily so, disgusted with yourself...you were her bestfriend and you were fucking her husband. Grabbing ahold of the glass filled with dark brown alcohol you popped the lid off bringing it up to your lips. The smell of it almost stinging your nose, swallowing the alcohol it burned your throat a feeling you havent felt inawhile. Tears were streaming down your face as you slide down the wall behind you chugging down your drink. I just want to forget everything...
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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.
im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(
this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.
hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.
again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.
now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.
christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.
i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.
came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.
now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.
but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.
argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.
well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!
another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.
so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.
god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...
officially crying heyho.
just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)
and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.
ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.
so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.
hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.
it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.
that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.
so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.
i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(
but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.
ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.
so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)
he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.
because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.
heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.
tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.
wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.
im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.
hiya totally not self-projecting here but can you do something with bakugou and a s/o who has a really messed up family and home life? and make it very soft and gentle please. its the kind of home where the mom and dad are married but its a very unhealthy relationship. shouting fights are a regular occurrence, and the parents by themselves are assholes to their kid. just to put my situation in perspective, my father has tried slapping/grabbing my ass ‘playfully’ infinitely more times than he’s ever tried genuinely complementing me. he’s done other stuff, but i don’t feel comfortable sharing that. my mother cares more about image, both hers and mine, over people themselves and screams at me over the most stupid stuff. they’re also both conservative, and i’m lgbt, so that obviously isn’t something i can easily share. i’m sorry if this topic isn’t one you feel comfortable writing about, you don’t have to do this request. i just want some escape right now, and hell, someone or something who can at least pretend that they’ll help me, and validate my struggle. tell me it’s real, that i’m real. even though my dad calls me stupid and an idiot for fighting back against my mom, it’s one of the things that reminds me of my reason for treading the water for so long. it reminds me that i didn’t give up, even after all these years, in a way. i pretend and tip-toe around them so much in order to protect who i am. the fact that i don’t cry about it either, makes it seem like i’m just pretending. like i’m not really in a bad situation, but making it bad in my head when really it’s really not a big deal. i’ve gotten very tired because of all this. can katsuki be there to help me? i’m sorry. this was more vent/rant than request. you don’t have to do this one if you don’t want to.
hi love! im sorry i couldnt get this done sooner ive had a busy weekend :( but im genuinely so sorry and upset that you have to deal with this and if you want to dm me to rant im 100% down to listen! i hope this helps you at least a little bit love <3
you show up to katsuki’s door, and jump into his arms and start crying. he catches you of course, trying not to freak out because he doesnt know why you’re crying. he stood in complete shock before speaking up.
“b-baby? whats wrong are you hurt?”
you sniffled before replying
you couldnt finish your sentence before breaking down into tears again. at this point, bakugou was feeling a swirl of emotions. concerned, sad, upset. he didnt know what was wrong, but he knew you needed him. he walked you two over to his room and laid down, with your head on his chest and your legs interwined.
he rubbed circles on your back, and whispered reassuring things into your ear, giving you time to calm down enough to where you could talk with him and tell him whats wrong.
you sniffled before speaking. you went on and on about how hard things have been for you, how uncomfortable you feel in your own home, how you can no longer tell if its really “that bad” or if you’re just overreacting because you’ve gotten so used to this. how you’ve grown..numb to it all. you told him everything and he listened very keenly. you could tell he was getting upset too, you could feel his mucles tensing up underneath you.
“i am gonna try to not let my anger show right now because thats not what you need, but dont you fucking dare say you’re over reacting. i know that it’ll be hard to convince you that you’re not, but please trust and listen to me angel. everything you’re going through may seem normal to you now but you don’t deserve to be in a situation like this and it is not normal. you can’t even be who you really are because you’re afraid of what the outcome is. thats not normal baby.”
he took a second to readjust you, so he was sitting up against the head board and you’re straddling his lap, facing him. he wiped the drying tears of your face and laced his fingers with yours before continuing.
“all your feelings towards this are valid, 100% valid. you feeling numb is because you’re used to this routine where.. people constantly invalidate you and your feelings. which means you’re gonna let those feelings build up until one day you wont be able to handle it anymore and thats not healthy, angel. you dont deserve to be in this situation angel and ill do everything i can to get you out of there, okay? you know i would love for you to move in with me so i could just... protect you from it all. but please believe me when i say that you’re not overreacting and that what you feel is real, its all real my love. all of it”
he pulled you in for a tight hug, putting his face in the crook of your neck to inhale your light scent. he began to kiss lightly, from your neck sll the way up to your cheeks to your lips, which made you giggle at the sensation.
he felt himself relax at hearing you laugh, and move back enough so he could see your whole face. even with puffy eyes and dried tears on your face, he thought you were the most ethereal being in the universe. nothing would ever change his mind about his precious angel.
he lifted a hand to caress your face, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your cheek.
“ill protect you baby. i promise no one can hurt you here.”
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Hi, hope this comes out right, been looking forward to making a request. So, I was hoping for hurt and comfort scenario where a reader is oddly reminded of their families passing, and is obviously not good at pretending they're fine and Lucifer or Satan calls their bluff, and offers mc a shoulder to cry on. Sorry for the weird ask, it's been rough.
Hey babes im so sorry it took so long for me to get this. Wherever you are, if you're still around, I hope you're doing okay ❤
Warning: mentions of death
A Good Book (SATAN X GN!READER)
The Devildom was so pretty, or at least, it was to you. The endless night sky that never once seemed to falter, filled with millions of stars that you didn’t recognize, filled you with a sense of comfort. Odd flowers native to the area brought curiosity to your mind, and even the animals that some might deem as creepy gave you a feeling of joy. The Devildom, although meant for sinners only, was beautiful, and maybe, just maybe, you would prefer it over heaven. Diavolo does well in keeping it up right and of course, even with most of its citizens being demons, the general public does a great job at helping out with that. If someone had told you that hell would be like this, you may have called them crazy, but maybe they just want you to think it’s bad because it’s, well, hell. You’re not supposed to enjoy it, after all.
Truthfully, under different circumstances, you may not have enjoyed it as much, but the darkness and change of scenery actually gave you time to forget about things going on in your regular life, and the friendships you have formed along the way also allowed you to think of new things, different things. A smile crept across your face as you recalled the many shenanigans that you and the brothers have come up with over the past few months and your heart ached at the thought of you potentially having to leave this place. “I love it here….” it was spoken more so to yourself, but it held power outside of yourself. You did love it here and you loved everyone you meet here. Still, today you couldn’t shake off the feeling of sadness. Everything reminded you of them and it took everything inside you to hold it together for the rest of your day at RAD, up until the point where you would be back at the House of Lamentation, at which point you would allow yourself to break down.
And you did! You made it all the way to the house, but right as you were about to enter through the door, a yellow butterfly flew past you. “Butterfly…” which caused you to break down immediately. Thankfully, the brothers were nowhere near you at the moment and you managed to run up the stairs and into your room, where you threw yourself on your bed and cried. A stupid butterfly just had to come and ruin it, didn’t it? Where did it even come from? You didn’t know. Did the Devildom even have butterflies? You’ve never seen one before… it made you sad. It reminded you on that day where they passed and you hated how every time you saw a butterfly, it brought back that memory. Butterflies…. “Little Angels..” is what they used to call them although you found it hard to believe.
“(Y/N)? Are you in there? I took your potions book by accident.” Satan. You wanted to tell him to just go away but you didn’t actually have a reason for him to leave. If you yelled at him to go away, he’d be worried and confused and maybe even slightly agitated, wondering what he had done. If you didn’t say anything, there’s a chance he’d open the door anyway just to leave the book in your room. There was no way out so you quickly wiped whatever is left of the tears and looked at yourself in the reflection of your phone, smiling softly before clearing your throat before calling out to him. “Yeah I’m here. Just place it on the dresser.” Maybe if you opened your phone and pretended to scroll through Devilgram, it wouldn’t be so bad… or so obvious. The door opened and Satan walked in, smiling softly at you as he held up the book, “My bad… I thought I took mine but when I checked my bag, I had two, so I figured this one is yours.” The smile you had put on while looking at yourself was still on and you nodded at him, “it happens… no big deal.” And you hoped that, with those words, he would leave again.
“What are you doing?” Of course not. As a matter of fact, he shut the door and walked into your room and your body screamed to just run. You can’t sit up now, can you? Your throat is suddenly feeling tight and you forced yourself to sit up, showing him your phone and how you were just scrolling through Devilgram. “Just…. A bit of social media.” “You sound sad.” Okay, way to go being blunt Satan. His statement caught you off guard and you kind of looked at him dumbfounded for a moment. Had he figured it out already? By just looking at you? That’s impossible, “what?” You laughed. It sounded hollow but you laughed, “don’t be ridiculous! I’m just… tired. RAD has been kicking my ass.” He looked at you like you were just…. Dumb. Like you took him for a fool. “Lies. I know a liar when I see one. What’s wrong?”
Something about being caught just made you feel anxious. It made you stiffen and blink a few too many times and your lip is quivering again and your hand is shaking, you can feel it, and if you don’t pause and look away you’ll cry again and…. “Hey… what’s wrong?” The second time he asks, you actually cry. You can feel the tears roll down your cheeks and your vision is becoming blurry. Your hands move up to your face to hide as you sobbed, shaking your head and silently praying that he would just leave. Satan, however, didn’t. He was confused, for sure, and part of him was scared that he had indirectly done something to you that made you so emotional in his presence. “(Y/N)... talk to me…” He reached a hand out, carefully, to place on your back, rubbing over it. “I-I….” but you couldn’t even get a word out. His touch was strangely comforting and you quickly leaned into it, throwing yourself at him until your arms wrapped around his waist and his own were forced to wrap around yours too.
“(Y/N)....” “I…. they’re dead… I’ll never see them again….. I still can’t believe it…” He’s confused on who you mean but right now it also feels like a sin to interrupt your talking so he stays silent, just rubbing over your back instead and pulling you closer against him. “They died… shortly before I came here… and… I didn’t…. I didn’t get to say goodbye, not really….” Your tears and hurt are silently breaking his heart and he wishes he could actually take it away from you; you don’t deserve this. “A-and… I hoped… the Devildom would… would take my mind off it…” you are sobbing harder now, moving your hands underneath his jacket and clinging to the back of his sweater, “b-but then I…. I saw that stupid butterfly….. And I couldn’t…” It’s all because of a stupid butterfly. You really did blame everything on it.
Satan’s lips attached to your head gently while one of his arms moved up to push your head further into his chest, his fingers raking through your hair tenderly as he did so. “Sshh…” He won’t tell you it’s okay. He knows it’s not. He also knows better than to attempt and make it okay. There’s not much he can say or do here, but he will try anyway, because somewhere in his mind, he felt similar when Lucifer lost Lilith. “I won’t tell you it’ll be okay… although I hope for you it will be… but, a good book once said that butterflies are little helpers from G… the man upstairs,” Sorry (Y/N), he can’t bring himself to say that name, “and if you whisper a wish to it, it will go up to heaven and ask for it to come true.” Obviously he doesn’t believe that, but there is a sense of comfort coming from that saying, even for him.
You sniffled, trying to calm yourself enough to listen to him. It made sense. Somewhere in your mind, it made sense. You nodded, still crying but you wanted him to know that you were listening, “thank you…” but please don’t let go. You didn’t add the last part, but seeing as he didn’t let go, you take it as him understanding that you need a little more time. Satan was warm and oddly comforting, and you wanted to just be held by him for a little bit longer, to get lost in him a little bit more,
Like a good book.
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hiiiii! its currently 4:31 am and i havent slept, and i have school in the next 3 hours lol y am i even telling u dis🤦🏻♀️
n e ways, can i request a scenario/drabble for tsukishima, kuroo, oikawa, and akaashi with a fem!so who fainted in the middle of their heated argument? their argument would be something about her being clingy or needy or sumn' like dat, then it turns out the reason she fainted was because of the fever she's had since the morning but hid it from them to not be a burden, so it got really worse during the argument? *cue their boyfriends feeling bad about the rude things they told her
angst angst angst > : D
im sorry u know wat i should sleep 🛏🚪🚶🏻♀️
fem!s/o fainting during an argument
a/n : i've been wanting to write a fainting prompt so thank you !! i hope you like it !! o(≧▽≦)o
includes : tsukishima kei, oikawa tooru, kuroo tetsurou and akaashi keiji
warnings : arguing, cursing
find part 2 here
in the morning before school you felt sick
even though you normally would be happy to stay at home you forced yourself to go to school
why? it's because of your boyfriend tsukishima
everyday you were glad you could go to school and see him
tsukishima is a real tsundere, but you know he loves you
you felt your fever get worse by every period, but your favorite time of the day was approaching ; after-school training
tsukishima never though much about his girlfriend watching him play
"hi there!" you greet the karasuno team as you walk into the gym. the team never had a problem with you watching. they already had two girls observing the team so a third girl was only more motivation for nishinoya and tanaka.
"god, why are you here." tsukishima sighs. a soft "tsukki" from yamaguchi is heard.
"what do you mean?" you awkwardly fiddle with your fingers. the sound of volleyballs hitting the floor slowly stop.
"what i mean is, why do you always follow me around?"
your heart was beating loudly, did he have to do this today? arguing with tsukishima while having a fever is basically death.
"i just want to spend time with you while at school." you utter, feeling everyone looking at the both of you.
"and i don't want to spend time with you at school. it's embarassing no wonder you don't have any friends."
"embarassing, huh? if i'm so embarassing to be seen with why don't you just get a less embarassing girlfriend!"
"maybe i will go find myself a less fucking clingy and embarassing girlfriend!" tears well up your eyes as you break the eye contact.
"are you going to cry now? why did i even agree to date you in the first place."
"i hate you..." you whisper under your breath as you walk towards the bench where your school bag was placed.
the dizziness from your fever was catching up and black dots were filling your sight. it almost felt like you were as light as a feather.
someone calls out your name before you collapse on the floor.
silence. the gym was completely silent. tsukishima rushed to his girlfriend as he tried to wake her up.
"what the hell," he whispers as he feels your body temperature. she had a fever this whole time?
everything tsukishima just said hit him like a wave. clingy, embarrassing, annoying
he felt bad, really bad for saying those things. he just had a bad day and lashed it all out on you. he has to make it up somehow .
you had a cold for the past four days
oikawa always brought you clementines and tea when you had a cold
this week he didn't, he probably didn't even notice you weren't feeling well
the date of the preliminaries was approaching and he had to win it
so when the two of you finally got to hang out again it was weird
"hey tooru!" you greeted your boyfriend. you were so happy to see him again.
"hey." he replies bitter, he doesnt even look up.
"what do you want to do today?"
"i dont know, you can choose. i'm trying to plan my training schedule."
"oh come on tooru, you finally have a day off. relax" you tell him as you sink into the couch.
"maybe i didn't want to spend my day off with you.." he silently scoffs as he continues to look on his phone.
"what! so you're telling me you don't even like seeing me even though you haven't seen me for the past week?!"
"i don't want to be with you all the time, geez four days isn't even that long, you're overreacting." oikawa insults as he puts his phone in his pocket.
"oh, so four days without talking to your girlfriend is alright? then why don't you stop talking to me for the rest of your life?!" you were pissed at your boyfriend.
"what?! you can't just dump me because YOU didn't get any attention from me!" his face is twisted with anger.
"no! pack your shit and leave this house right now!" you order him as you point at the door.
oikawa doesn't budge and continues to glare at you indicating he thinks the argument isn't over yet.
as he shouts more insults at you, you feel sick. as your legs slightly shake you feel the voice of oikawa slowly fade away.
oikawa stops shouting when he sees his girlfriend collapsing to the floor. he panics and quickly catches her.
"hey...HEY!" he desperately calls out your name. his hand flies to her forehead to feel the glowing heat of the fever.
"why didn't you tell me you were sick?" he whispers. then, he remembers what the two of you were just arguing about.
"shit!" he realised he completely messed up and you were right all along.
you got hurt a lot, from papercuts to getting hit by a volleyball
kuroo always helps you out with your injuries
you felt bad that he always had to help you out, so when you woke up feeling unwell you decide to just shake it off
kuroo is a nice guy and would never get tired of caring for his girlfriend, he actually really liked it
at nighttime kuroo and you would meet up at the local park and go stargazing and talk about the day
"hello, tetsurou." you grin as you approach your boyfriend who was sitting on the bench. he turns around a smiles back.
"so, how was your day?" you ask curious. he always had something to say.
kuroo proceeded to ramble about how awful his day was and how he was happy the day was over.
not noticing he wasn't done with his story yet you wanted to tell him about your day.
"i wasn't done.." he mumbles as he balls his fists.
"oh, sorry! i just really wanted to-"
"were you even listening! i just told you about my shitty day and you just continue to speak?"
"i thought you were done.." you look at your lap and try to forget about his sudden outburst.
"well, i clearly wasn't! do you know how many times listen to you talk?" he asks with a big frown on his face.
"i thought it might cheer you up,"
"well it didn't. so annoying...." he utters as he turns away from you.
"sorry for trying to cheer up my BOYFRIEND?!" you shriek as you stand up from the bench that is way too small for the both of you.
"it's always about you! i take care of you and i get this back!" kuroo complains also standing up from the bench.
"who asked you to take care of me? i just get hurt easily but that doesn't mean i need mr. "superhero" to come and take care of me!" you roll your eyes. kuroo looks like he is about to explode any moment.
"you think me taking care of you is a chore to me? is that what you think?!"
"i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!"
the both of you turn around and walk into different directions. walking a few steps you feel too tired and drained to walk any further.
suddenly you fall to the ground with a loud thud as you try to catch yourself with your arms.
"what's happening?" kuroo's voice is coming from behind. "hello?" he tries again. that's when he notices you're passed out.
a fever? she was hiding this from me the whole time? kuroo asks himself as he tries to get you on his back. a guilty feeling floods his body and he promises to apologise to you as soon as you wake up.
akaashi being the observant guy he is would almost always immediately notice you were feeling bad
there is just one thing; akaashi is a big introvert
he needs space now and then and you were completely fine with it
but this time you really needed him, because an english test was coming up
you HAD to pass english so you could go to year three
a spontaneous visit was the only option, even though you knew akaashi doesn't like those
"uhm, sorry for coming by so randomly." you start, as you hold out your english books in front of you.
"are you for real?" he looks at you to try and spot if it was a prank, but you were 100% honest.
"uh, no. i really need help, keiji." you explain him about the whole going over to year three story.
"you're really needy, you know that?" he blurts out. you already knew that, but he didn't need to blurt it out like that.
"you always need help with school work, and then you're sad about a random show. it never stops."
"well, this time it really do need he-" you don't even get to finish your sentence.
"go ask your parents or something, i'm busy." he wants to close the door but you stop it.
"are you serious right now?! i only need a little help, i don't even care if you say you're busy right now! you could at least tell me when you are willing to help me so i can come back instead of denying the request!"
"as if i'm not a student! i also need to go to year three and get my grades to the very best i can! is that so hard for your small brain to understand?" he tries to keep his voice down, but it's the first time you've seen him THIS angry.
the two of you just wanted to help eachother, but made it worse instead. the whole street could almost follow the argument.
"you know what, i give up. go home." he pushes you away from the door and closes it.
soft sniffles turn into slightly louder sniffles, and akaashi hears all of them. he is just on the other side of the door. suddenly the sound stops and akaashi assumes you went home.
he opens the door to see your seemingly lifeless body in front of him. he is scared out of his mind, and rethinks what could've caused you to pass out.
his smacks his forehead as he thought about all the small signs his girlfriend was giving to indicate she wasn't feeling well.
carefully picking up her body and placing her on the couch he realised he was way too arrogant with his insults and even called her needy. he mentally curses himself as he tries to find medicine.
requests : CLOSED
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