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eatvangelist · 1 year

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Ad Hoc & Napa Wine Tasting

As I mentioned, last week I visited a couple friends in the Bay Area, and our primary goal was heading to Napa. My friends reserved tastings for us at a couple places where they are members, and I tried (and failed) to get us reservation at The French Laundry but got us a table at Thomas Keller’s more casual restaurant, Ad Hoc. This all seemed simple enough, but it turned into an over-indulgence.

Our first stop was Darioush, which was quite the experience. As soon as we pulled onto the estate, my friends told me to look out the window - I felt like we had driven into a different country! A lit torch in front of the palatial homage to Persepolis signaled the proprietors were home. I really did have that moment of “Where am I?” as I looked around. Inside, we saw the shop that sold not only wines but also olive oil pressed by Darioush, the distillery with steel stills, and a couple salons where guests were comfortably sampling offerings, which made me more excited for our tastings.

Despite the ominous clouds, it was a very pleasant day so we had outdoor seating. When it did start to feel chilly, the staff handed us blankets to stay warm. We had the Signature Mezze, which included a plate of small bites and 5 wine tastings. At first glance, the plate looked quite simple, but with the first bite, you would realize how thoughtful the food was. The bread was baked in their own oven, and it was just the right thickness and size for dipping into the homemade baba ganoush. It had a stronger eggplant flavor than the average baba ganoush and still retained the smooth texture one would expect. The star of the plate was the pomegranate walnut stew with chicken meatball. So this alone was a nice touch, but the clever part was how well the baba ganoush and especially the stew paired with the wines we sampled. In particular, the Shiraz while pleasant was unremarkable, but after tasting the stew and returning to the Shiraz, I was able to taste more fruitiness and richness from the wine. My two favorites at Darioush were their Viognier and dessert wine, named after Darioush’s wife, Shahpar. The Viognier had a lovely aroma that had some floral accents but was not overpowering and the taste was much the same. I usually dislike dessert wines, but Shahpar was phenomenal. It was not syrupy sickening sweet, but just refreshing and left me wanting a sip more. I was also moved by the story about how Darioush created this wine for his wife for their 31st wedding anniversary. From taking in the ambiance and history, learning more about proprietors and their craft, and tasting the wines, Darioush is worth a visit whether or not you are a wine connoisseur.

After Darioush, we headed to lunch at Ad Hoc, which offered a different 3 or 4-course prix fixe menu daily and a couple optional add-ons if so desired. The day we went, there were 3 courses - salad, chilaquiles, and carrot cupcake - and the add-ons were caviar and their buttermilk fried chicken. The plating was served family style for every course. The salad was made of basic mixed greens, but everything else in the plate elevated this first course. The goat cheese was mild but flavorful, the pickled onions were subtly tart, the pistachios added contrasting texture, and the firm blueberries added natural sweetness. This was a great course to whet our appetite.

Chilaquiles, usually low maintenance, but in our dish, hidden under the fried eggs were delicious blocks of pulled pork and crumbled cotija. The pork looked a bit dried out but that was deceptive, as the meat was quite succulent. The egg was a bit more underdone than my preference, but overall everything was good with this entree. The pork though was more filling than I anticipated. I mentioned to my friends that when we were looking over the menu I debated bringing up adding on the fried chicken and was glad we skipped on that since I was starting to feel quite full. As we looked around the restaurant and saw many other tables had ordered the fried chicken, we did have a bit of FOMO but agreed we didn’t need it and weren’t really in the mood for it anyway. Almost as if insulted by our private discussion, out of nowhere, a piece of fried chicken leapt off a plate to slap one of my friends in the face! As mentioned previously, at Ad Hoc, the plating is family style. One server was carrying a plate of fried chicken and as she turned right by our table, the inertia must have toppled an unbalanced piece of chicken, which incredulously smacked my poor friend. Fortunately the chicken was not too hot and she was unharmed. We were all shocked by what had happened, and after confirming multiple times that she was fine, we had a good laugh about it, joking that the fried chicken at Ad Hoc must have felt really indignant about our comments. The server felt horrible about the accident and came over with a plate of fried chicken (not the one she dropped) on the house. We took our revenge on the fried chicken for attacking my friend and were glad that we hadn’t ordered it ourselves - it was definitely good, but there was nothing especially outstanding about it.

Earlier this year, I found myself craving carrot cake and decided to make my own for the first time. It turned out quite successful, and ever since then, I had become very critical of carrot cake. Given my affinity towards Thomas Keller’s baked goods, I was cautiously optimistic about the carrot cupcake. I really wanted this to be good but how satisfying could a cupcake be? Well, very much so because it was the perfect way to end our meal. The carrot cupcake wasn’t too sweet, which was great because the cream cheese frosting on top was very much so, creating a good balance. I even remarked to my friends that with my own carrot cake, I used vegetable oil instead of butter to get the light texture, and while I was happy with my result, it lacked the flavor that using butter would have given. Ad Hoc’s carrot cupcakes had both the right flavor and texture, which led me to hypothesize they used some combination of the two, as butter alone would have made the cupcake dense but what we got was light and fluffy. All in all, Ad Hoc was worth a stop for us - just watch out for the fighting, flying fried chicken.

After our lunch, I was struggling a bit with food coma, but we had one more tasting to get to - Domaine Chandon (of the famed Moët & Chandon champagnes). Since this was Napa/Yountville, only sparkling wine was produced here. The campus was undergoing some construction, but it was clear to see that under normal operations, it would be a beautiful place to relax while enjoying some wine. We were early for our appointment so after checking in, we lounged comfortably under a tree and enjoyed the view there until our table was ready. Once we were seated, we were asked if we wanted to order any food. We were too full to give the food menu more than a cursory glance out of curiosity though the striped bass crudo and dry aged duck breast with figs popped out to me. None of us were up for more food though so we stayed on course with the wine tastings only. Most notable of all that we tried for me were the Mt. Veeder Brut, Sparkling Cabernet Sauvignon, and the Garden Spritz. The Mt. Veeder had just some subtle sweetness and tickled my palate pleasantly - it was either the first or second wine I tried and made for a good introduction to Chandon. The cab was the one I was most curious about and unfortunately the most disappointing of all the wines I tried that day. I had never had a sparkling red wine before, and Chandon boasted they were the first to make a sparkling cab. The carbonation in the cab really distracted from the taste of the grapes or any other flavors of the wine itself. The Garden Spritz was the last wine we sampled and I wasn’t very optimistic about it. One of my friends said she had it before and it was actually good, which gave me some hope. It was sweeter than most sparkling wines I liked, but it was refreshing and a delightful way to end our tasting.

We had dinner plans in the area, too, but after Chandon, we were pretty done. I recalled when we started out at Darioush, they asked us our schedule for the day and even commented how our plan was well-paced as many first-time Napa visitors tend to overdo it with trying to visit too many wineries in a day. I thought that was odd at the time, but unbelievably, I felt like we were right on the cusp of “overdoing it” ourselves while there was still so much left to explore. As my friends said, we were leaving things for future visits. I took this as their invitation to host me again.

Darioush - 4240 Silverado Trail, Napa, California 94558

Ad Hoc - 6476 Washington Street, Yountville, California 94599

Chandon - 1 California Drive, Yountville, California 94599

#Napa Wine Thomas Keller Ad Hoc

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sparklydefendorhottub · 2 years

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Middle Eastern Inspired Layer Dip with Hummus, Muhammara, Baba Ganoush, Herbed Labneh and Shirazi Salad by thefeedfeed | Quick & Easy Recipe | The Feedfeed

#howto I'm certainly no expert on Middle Eastern cuisine; but one thing I am certain of is I can’t get enough of it. The bright, acidic and spice forward flavors filled with varying textures and colors are often just what I’m craving. Plus, I have a penchant for over ordering whenever I go out to eat (Must Try All The Things) so Mezze style eating was pretty much tailor-made for me. You get to try a little of everything; but clearing all the plates is a truly attainable goal (and one that I strive fo

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restaurantsguide · 2 years

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The Joy, Comfort, and Stress-Reducing Power of Lebanese Restaurants Near Me

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Lebanese Restaurants Near

Lebanese restaurants have been around since the early 1900's and have become popular worldwide. There are many different types of Lebanese cuisine including Mediterranean, Levantine, Syrian, Greek, Turkish, and others. Lebanon is known for its rich history, culture, and food. Lebanese cuisine is often influenced by French, Italian, Spanish, Arabic, and Turkish cuisines.

The best way to enjoy Lebanese food is to go out to eat at a Lebanese restaurant near me. You'll find that Lebanese restaurants offer a variety of dishes ranging from salads, hummus, falafel, shawarma, kibbeh, mezze, baba ganoush, maklouba, tabbouleh, and much more!

There are many different types of food that people eat around the world. There are foods that are eaten in the United States, Canada, France, Italy, Germany, China, Japan, Mexico, and many other countries. Lebanon is known for its delicious food. Many people enjoy eating at Lebanese restaurants. There are many different things that you can order while dining out. You can choose what type of food you want to eat. When you go to a restaurant, you should make sure that you have enough money beforehand. If you do not have enough money, you may need to ask someone else if they would pay for your meal. Make sure that you know how much money you have left over after paying for your meal.

Lebanese Food

The cuisine of Lebanon is known for its fresh ingredients, spices, and herbs. Many dishes are based around rice, lentils, beans, and vegetables. Dishes often have a variety of different flavours and aromas depending on where they're prepared. Most restaurants serve both traditional and modern versions of food. Traditional Lebanese food includes hummus, baba ganoush, kibbeh nayyeh (lentil balls), makdous (rice pudding) and fattoush (bread salad). Modern Lebanese food includes shawarma, falafel, and mezze (small plates).

Lebanese cuisine

The food that is served at Lebanese restaurants is called Lebanese cuisine. Lebanese cuisine consists of many different dishes. One of the best dishes that you can get at a Lebanese restaurant is called kibbeh nayyeh. Kibbeh nayyeh is a dish that is made from bulgur wheat. You can find this dish at any Middle Eastern restaurant. Another great dish that you can try at a Lebanese restaurant is fattoush salad. Fattoush salad is a salad that is made from tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, parsley, and olive oil. You can find this salad at any Middle Eastern restaurant and it tastes really good. Lebanon's cuisine is influenced by many cultures. In addition to Arab culture, French, Italian, Turkish, Syrian, Greek, Persian, Indian, and even American influences can be seen in the country's food. However, the most prominent influence on Lebanese cuisine is Arabic.

Lebanese desserts

When you go to a Lebanese restaurant, you can expect to taste some amazing desserts. One of the best desserts that you can try at Lebanese restaurants is baklava. Baklava is a dessert that is made from phyllo dough. You can find this dessert at any Middle Eastern restaurant, and it is always delicious. Another popular dessert that you can try at any Lebanese restaurant is labneh cheese cake. Labneh cheese cake is a sweet treat that is made from yogurt cheese. You can find this delicious dessert at any Middle Eastern bakery.

Lebanese drinks

You can find many different kinds of beverages at Lebanese restaurants. You can try water, tea, coffee, juice, and soda. Water is the perfect drink to have when you are at a Lebanese restaurant. Tea is another beverage that you can try. You can find tea at almost any Middle Eastern restaurant. Coffee is also something that you can drink at a Lebanese restaurant. You can find coffee at almost any Middle Eastern bakery. Juice is also a beverage that you can drink at Lebanese restaurants. Soda is also a beverage that is served at Lebanese restaurants. You can find soda at almost any Middle Eastern store.

Lebanese music

Lebanese music is played at Lebanese restaurants. You will hear Arabic music playing at Lebanese restaurants. You might even hear some traditional Arab music. You can listen to this music at any time of day. You can also dance to this music at Lebanese restaurants.

Lebanese culture

People who live in Lebanon love their culture. You will notice that people wear different clothes in Beirut than they do in Tripoli. People also speak differently depending on where they are from. You will notice that the language spoken in Beirut is different from the language spoken in Tripoli. You can learn about Lebanese culture by visiting Lebanon.

Lebanese festivals

Lebanon has many festivals throughout the year. These festivals celebrate different aspects of Lebanese culture. You can visit these festivals to experience Lebanese culture first hand.

No meal is satisfying without some Lebanese desserts toward the finish of it as pastry. They add a totally different meaning to lunch and supper as they comprise a total course without anyone else. They are presented in restaurants and bistros as well as during a greeting whether it is in someone's home or in a feasting place.

Lebanese desserts are not made of one kind but instead length an enormous range of various sweets that range from baked goods to treats and cakes. For some individuals this is a change from the commonplace tarts or wipe cakes they consume for dessert with most meals. Every once in a while it is great to begin something new, and these can offer an extraordinary option in contrast to the standard tart or cake. It would be perfect to likewise acquaint it with individuals not from Lebanese starting points as they have become famous in external Lebanon too.

When you conclude you need to offer them, there are numerous recommendations that you can profit from. Some of the exceptionally famous decisions are Othmalliyeh and Katayef. Both of these are hurled on cheddar and cream however this makes them so great. There are a couple of Lebanese desserts that have cheddar and cream in them, and among these are Knafeh, Bohsalino, and Shaaybiyat. They are extremely well known however a large number of them are occasional and tend not to be presented over the whole year. Some are popular throughout the whole year and consequently stores make them constantly.

Taking into account that they are extremely bountiful in cheddar, you should keep the parts little particularly for individuals who are watching their weight control plans and don't have any desire to eat a lot. They are extremely scrumptious and in this way they are generally undeniably challenging to oppose, however a little piece makes no mischief.

If you have any desire to intrigue individuals toward the finish of lunch or supper, serving a piece of Othmaliye or Katayef to every individual can finish the work well indeed. These are liked by nearly everybody and it is extremely elusive for an individual who won't appreciate them. All things considered, you won't serve numerous choices and you would need to restrict the decisions to not many that the vast majority will like.

These two Lebanese desserts are recognizable to any individual who has been to the nation and got acquainted with its cooking. It is difficult to go to Lebanon without hearing or tasting no less than one of them. Their ubiquity goes before them and every individual who visits the nation gets acquainted with them somehow.

Visit restaurantnearme.guide to discover the Lebanese Restaurants Near Me

#lebanesefood #lebaneserestaurant #lebanesedessert #lebanesefoodlover #foodies #delicious #restaurants #lebanesemusics #bestrestaurants #foodlover

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fattributes · 2 years

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Easy Baba Ganoush

#food #recipe #appetizer #baba ganoush #eggplant #lemon #tahini #sesame seed #sumac #paprika #pita #vegetarian #vegan #gluten free #dip #baking #lebanese #baba ganoush is everything to me #roasted eggplant was such a good discovery

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thecairomuse · 3 years

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How I live a healthy lifestyle - Part 1: Nutrition and Diet

''In this mini series I'll be detailing everything I do and plan to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I'll only be discussing nutrition and physical activity although there is a lot more to health than that, but they tend to be the most important aspects.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional/ a dietitian I just love sharing what works for me. Not all things mentioned in this post will be applicable to you. Use this post as a starting point/ for ideas; Please do your own research.

There's so much more to nutrition than the amount of calories you eat. Lately I have been very mindful of what foods I put into my body and if they actually nourish my body and make me feel good. But this is not to say I don't enjoy the occasional treat. After all I am human.

Fasting

I could go on and on about the many benefits of fasting, but I'll keep it short and sweet: it's a miracle. There are so many different ways of fasting and for different intervals of time. I'll discuss the ones I do.

Intermittent fasting: every day I eat for 8 hours and fast for 16, the window of time I choose will remain somewhat constant but may move around to accommodate events/ schedule. During my 16 hour fast I mostly drink water, I'll also have zero calorie drinks like black coffee and matcha green tea or any other tea (without sugar!!)

Weekly 24 hour water fasts: One day of the week I'll fast for 24 hours, even though it's called a water fast I also include zero calorie drinks as well as they don't break your fast.

Monthly 48/72 hour water fast: I'll do one extended fast per month, very similar to the 24 hour water fast but just for an extended period of time, I also include zero calories drinks in this fast. I might occasionally skip this one depending on how I feel/ my schedule

I have been fasting for years, for religious reasons, so I am quite used to it, but if you are new I would definitely recommend going slow and working your way up.

I don't do fasts longer than 72 hours because things can get complicated and I don't really feel the need to.

It's very important to break your fast with a liquid (especially extended fasts), I drink ACV and celery juice (see below) first thing and then some fruits and work my way up to actual meals.

Mediterranean Diet

Considering I am from the Mediterranean, I tend to eat a lot of the foods found in the Mediterranean 'diet'. It's not so much of a diet but more of a lifestyle; I have always eaten this way.

I find the Mediterranean diet really enjoyable, the food is delicious and there are many healthy benefits.

I love eggplant dishes (there are SO many), Egyptian fava beans, Couscous, Hummus, Baba Ganoush (my absolute favorite Lebanese dip) and of course ALOT of seafood.

No snacking in between meals

I would much rather eat filling meals than have to mindlessly snack thought the day. If you HAVE to snack, it's a good sign you are under-eating or you are not eating filling foods.

Snacking spikes your insulin and raises your blood pressure and blood glucose levels, which makes you feel hungry all the time and increases your appetite and the calories from snacking add up very easily. Plus it's way more convenient to skip snacking and instead eat filling meals.

Please note, if you have low blood pressure then of course snacking can be helpful. But for me, my blood pressure really doesn't need to be any higher.

No restriction of Food groups

I have not cut out protein/ carbs/ fats. I eat all three in moderation and I believe that all three are essential for a healthy diet; they all provide the body with different things that it needs. I have also not cut out dairy. I will always seek out 'healthier' alternatives when possible (eg. lettuce as a substitute for bread in a sandwich or coconut milk as opposed to regular milk, although I don't do this too often)

I do however restrict sugar. Which brings me to my next point.

Sugar free, No junk food, No fizzy drinks, No candy/ processed snacks

The four mentioned above have little to no benefits to your health and can be quite detrimental, so I have decided to cut them out. They tend to be very un-filling and can mess with your blood glucose levels.

I have also never had much of a sweet tooth, most of the times i crave something savory, but there is sugar in pretty much everything nowadays and that's what I mostly focus on, for example do we really need sugar in Ceaser salad dressing? yet in some sauces the amount of sugar per serving is way more than the recommended daily amount of sugar intake.

With that being said I definitely do break the rules a bit because I still do enjoy life. But I am mindful about it, for example I can't resist fries from Mcdonalds or a macaron form Laudree but I'll be fine if I don't have a granola bar packed with sugar.

Added/ refined sugar is so bad for your body and your organs (especially your liver) and there are much healthier alternatives. I have mostly cut out sugar/ junk food/ candy/ fizzy drinks and processed snacks. I don't drink Diet coke or any other diet drinks of the sort (they contain an artificial sweetener that is worse than sugar). I drink my tea unsweetened (I love the taste of tea) and I'll either have an americano with no sugar or an (iced) black coffee, and if i feel like having an iced latte I'll ask for coconut milk and no sugar. Every once in a while I'll make sugar free cookies/ brownies/ cake etc. there are so many recipes online. You can use Stevia, Xylitol, Erythritol and Monk fruit. I do eat a good amount of fruits as well as pure honey (with no added sugar).

High Beta-carotene diet

What is Beta-carotene you ask? It's a magic elixir. Okay seriously, it's a pigment that gives plants their color.

Beta-carotene is converted into retinol (vitamin A) in the body and can help you get a natural 'tan' or more accurately a sun-kissed glow.

All you have to do to achieve the beta-carotene glow is to eat 5-7 portions of fruits/ vegetables for one to two months.

The fruits and vegetables high in beta-carotene are:

CARROTS!!

Kale

Celery

Cantaloupe

Broccoli

Most dark colored/ vibrant fruits/ vegetables, especially those that are orange

The way that I make sure to get the beta-carotene I need is, I drink celery juice, kale juice/ smoothie and eat fruits during breakfast if i can (Acai bowl/ oatmeal with fruits/ etc.) and then a salad with my lunch/ dinner and I find that is enough.

Even if you aren't looking to get a natural 'tan' I would still recommend eating a diet high in beta-carotene because it improves your health and prevents diseases. After incorporating more fruits and vegetables I definitely felt my skin looked healthier and was more glowy.

Please do your own research once again; eating TOO much beta-carotene can make your skin look VERY yellow so be careful with that.

Matcha Green tea

I have a matcha green tea every morning during my fast (since it's zero calories). Matcha is vey high in anti-oxidants and has less caffeine than coffee. Matcha in general is very good for your health and I look forward to having it every morning.

Celery/Kale Juice

I absolutely love celery juice. I have one before breakfast. Celery has numerous health benefits and I am a huge fan of drinking it everyday (I'll definitely be posting how I like to make it soon)

I usually drink a kale juice or smoothie around lunch/ dinner time before I start my fast. I don't have this everyday and some days I'll have a different type of juice depending on how I feel and the ingredients I have at home.

Apple Cider Vinegar

I drink ACV to break my fast. I will say it doesn't work for everyone but I have found, through trial and error, that ACV makes me feel much much better. I will usually add some ACV, lemon and cinnamon to some water and drink it to break my fast.

via doseofraw.com and others

It's important to eat nutritious foods that nourish your body, improve your focus and overall make you feel and look good. Food really is a source of medicine and wellness. Every once in a while I will break some of the rules, because life is meant to be enjoyed at the end of the day, and what's good for your soul is good for you. I never feel like I am depriving myself of the foods I love; I always find healthier alternatives. I no longer crave 'unhealthy foods' and I don't feel like I am restricting when I turn down a slice of cake or anything of the like.

Your diet matters!

Serena

#healthy lifestyle #nutrition #level up #glow up #you should too <3

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pisstheon · 3 years

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[Madame, Riccardo Zanotti, both]

[First verse]

Beirout looks like New York, like every city

From the south of Lebanon everything looks bigger

I'm climbing down the stairs on a rainy Sunday

To see where the wind will take me

The storm keeps me under

My home, they opened a new restaurant inside and good evening

Salaam alaikum

A shot of rum

I'll put on a Googoosh record

What is it, babaganoush?

Anything you want

My god, those blue eyes

Why are you so down?

[Pre-chorus]

I stay up at night with Beelzebub's monster

But my wooden soul wants to burn

A good man* wants me in Malibu

But tonight I'm having a baba ganoush ('oush)

[Chorus]

Make me play and I'll forget everything

And if night comes, give me a baba ganoush

Hurt me then kiss me on the lips

And if death comes, it will taste of baba ganoush

[Second verse]

Shots piercing cedar wood

Black dots on this city**

We'll trade the Kingdom of Heaven

For the anarchy of the soul

You sleep with your eyes closed like doors

And I'm pulling even if there's "Push" written

We're dancing bare-footed on death

And I'm drowning in baba ganoush

I can put you inside my clutch

And paint you with the Mediterranean

An elephant amid meth crystals

What's up?

I don't know

You good?

It's you

Why?

[Pre-chorus]

I don't trust you all the way and I'm confused

Lost in your world, I'm sinking

Like a boat in a hurricane

Like a fakir holding a nail

[Chorus]

Make me play and I'll forget everything

And if night comes, give me a baba ganoush

Hurt me then kiss me on the lips

And if death comes, it will taste of baba ganoush

[Interlude, spoken]

Yeah, I came up the stairs this time

Look, there's an important thing I have to tell you

And I don't want to dance around it too much

I'm taken.

Oh, er, me too.

Okay.

Come in.

[Chorus]

Make me play and I'll forget everything

And if night comes, give me a baba ganoush

Hurt me then kiss me on the lips

And if death comes, it will taste of baba ganoush

(* lit: a good Christian

** "Punti neri" can be translated both as "black dots" or as "blackheads")

#song translation #i always wanted to try and translate a song #if you see any mistakes or want to correct me please feel free to! id love help and feedback #Spotify

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aelwen-alerion · 3 years

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ur favorite kissing prompt + mckirk (or spones 👀)

33. An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it.

This is from my Spones orchestra AU. The first fic is titled "the impotance of leonard" and you should read it if you haven't because it'll help you understand this ficlet 💖

It had been a long day. Leonard had an 8-hour shift at the hospital, immediately followed by a two-hour orchestra rehearsal (the only bright part of said rehearsal being Spock conducting Finlandia with a passion that filled Leonard’s heart with— joy, he told himself, just happiness, nothing more, definitely not love, nope.), followed by his duties as the librarian— and of course Chekov’s copy of Persichetti’s Symphony no. 6 had been destroyed in a minor fire at work (Leonard had made a mental note to tell Chekov not to ever bring his music to his job in a research lab again), so Leonard had to work up a whole new copy in Finale. All he wanted was to go home and sleep. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do that yet, because of course the new janitors had fucked up his filing system. Of fucking course. He had been sifting through score after score for 30 minutes now, and he still had a long way to go. Leonard sat back on his heels and sighed, then picked up his phone. Time for some Postmates, he thought to himself.

After looking through the options, he selected a Mediterranean café and ordered a platter with kibbeh, grape leaves, tabbouleh, kafta, falafel, hummus, and baba ganoush— because goddamn it, he hadn’t eaten all day, and he was hungry, and he deserved to treat himself.

He glanced past the delivery driver’s name— Grayson— and sighed at the wait time. Damn store’s only a couple block’s down, it shouldn’t take that long. He knew that distance wasn’t the only factor though, and his ire was only half-hearted.

He got a message on his PADD sooner than the projected time, thank God.

[Postmates Driver Grayson]: I am outside the address specified. However, the doors are locked.

[Leonard]: I’m on my way out, I’ll just grab the food from you. You don’t have to come inside.

Leonard unlocked the doors and stepped into the warmth of the summer night, only to see—

“Spock?”

“Leonard. I had suspected that it was you ordering this meal, given the name and the address. Why are you here so late?”

Leonard shoved his hands in his scrub pockets. “Still had work to do, I suppose. My job never ends.”

The Vulcan nodded in that quiet, understanding way of his. “I see. Is there anything I can do to assist you? My shift here has just ended. I would be… happy. To assist you, that is.”

Leonard sighed. He normally hates people working with him, but how can he say no to Spock’s earnestness? “All right, come on in. I’m working on re-filing pretty much everything from C-H because the new janitors somehow fucked it up.”

Spock followed Leonard into the music library. Leonard plopped back down into his seat on the floor and opened up his box of food. “Hey Spock, want a grape leaf?”

Spock delicately accepted the offered food. “Thank you.”

Leonard quietly set aside the rest of the grape leaves for Spock, as well as the tabbouleh and a generous portion of the pita to dip in the hummus and baba ganoush. The rest of the food wasn’t vegetarian, so he knew Spock wouldn’t eat it.

After they finished the food, they set to work. With two sets of hands, the work went twice as fast, and they were done much sooner than Leonard had expected. They both sat back and admired the neatly organized files. Spock quietly turned towards Leonard. “How often do you stay this late to work on library tasks?”

Leonard shrugged. “Almost every rehearsal, I think. I’ve got a lot to do. I have assistant librarians, but they’re younger. I’d hate to keep them from living their lives and coop them up here with a grumpy curmudgeon like me.”

Spock— wait did he? was that— Spock smiled softly then, and took Leonard’s hand in his own. “You do so much for everyone around you, Leonard. I do not think you are grumpy at all. You merely pretend to be.”

In the haze of confusion, joy, love, and who knows what else he was feeling, Leonard felt Spock press two fingers against two of his own in an unfamiliar configuration, and while Leonard was thinking about that he felt the soft press of Spock’s lips against his.

Leonard may have briefly short-circuited. He then remembered that he should probably kiss Spock back. And he did.

I will also post this on my ao3, as well as the other prompts I got from this ask game that I am just now getting around to writing

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telltaleclerk · 4 years

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Macdaltonstokes aaannnndddd....... Kaboom

Oooo Lots of MacDaltonStokes requests!!! I am absolutely going to take that to mean that you guys like my verse!

Jack comes in the door, loaded up with paper and plastic bags, looking like a pack mule. Mac heads out to the deck, and Nick follows along.

“Ok, so now that we’ve got food, can you guys finally explain to me why I had to take a vacation day today? On some random Wednesday? In the middle of the week?” Nick asks, leaning against the porch rail next to Mac while Jack unpacks the food; enough food to feed an actual army from the looks of it.

“Gotta wait ’til we dig in cowboy,” Jack says with a wink as he pulls out container after container, foil packages full of what seems to be flat bread, and several soup containers.

“Garlic sauce?” Mac asks.

“Just for you sweetheart,” Jack says, “but you’re sleepin’ in the spare room tonight.”

Mac scoffs and laughs it off.

They pull chairs up around the little table and get ready to dig in to a huge spread. Nick has no idea what any of it is. There seem to be kabobs, and meatballs, but there are sauces and containers full of soups and mashed up things and he’s confused.

“What exactly are we eating?” Nick asks. He’s not averse, just wants to know what he’s putting into his mouth.

Jack starts pointing out dishes. “Baba ganoush, chicken and beef kabobs, kofta…”

“This is my favourite. The garlic sauce,” Mac says, holding up a little container. “Goes really well on the… well… everything.”

Jack scoffs. “And if you eat it, you’re both sleepin’ in the spare room.”

“Yeah like we’ve never put up with your bad food habits,” Mac lifts an eyebrow. “How about the ribs from Cecelia’s?”

Jack glares. “Have your damn garlic sauce then.”

Nick dishes up a little of everything, and waits. “Ok, so what the hell?”

“Alright,” Mac says around a mouthful of food, “so there was this thing in Cairo a few years ago.”

“This thing… like it ain’t nothin’,” Jack mutters into his dish of food, before speaking up. “Listen up Nicky boy. Normally we don’t talk about Cairo, it’s a bit of a rule, ok? But today we’re makin’ an exception for you. Bring you into the fold. No secrets between us three and all that. But after today, that’s it. Ok? No more Cairo.”

“Alright, alright,” Nick says, “but the suspense is seriously killing me here.”

Mac sighs, and swallows his mouthful before leaning forward. “Me and Jack have had a bit of an… agreement since Cairo.” His eyes flick to Jack.

“You go kaboom, I go kaboom,” Jack recites before he stuffs another meatball into his mouth. “That includes you now too Nicky. Though I doubt we’ll have to worry too much about the kaboom with you bein’ in the lab all the time.”

“And it all started in Cairo,” Mac says, “we were in the warehouse full of antiquities looking for a bomb when…”

#macdaltonstokes #macgyver #csi #CSI Las Vegas #angus macgyver #jack dalton #nick stokes #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #drabble #writing #my writing #ficlet

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paleorecipecookbook · 5 years

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Paleo Travel Snacks: How to Eat Healthy While You’re On the Go

Many of us following a Paleo lifestyle slide into a comfortable eating routine. Maybe you have perfected your meal prepping. Maybe you have a reliable rotation of favorite recipes. Maybe you eat have your basic breakfast down to a tasty science, switching up the veggies and protein as desired. When you’re in your own element and have total control over your food supply, it’s easier to stay on track. But what happens when you take a road trip or travel for your job? Take it from me, you’ve got this! I travel extensively, from book tours and conferences to vacations, so I know what it’s like to face this challenge of staying committed to this way of eating. But it’s doable—and I’ve gathered the best tips and tricks for staying Paleo while traveling, all in one place.

It can be hard to eat healthy while traveling. But with a little planning and flexibility, it is possible to stay Paleo on the road. Check out this article for my tips and recommendations on the best Paleo travel snacks. #paleo #healthylifestyle #chriskresser

Five Tips for Packing Paleo Travel Snacks

As you’re packing that suitcase, leave plenty of space for the snacks. Bringing your own food gives you the best control over the situation, so that you won’t find yourself hungry and cranky, tempted by a bright drive-through sign five hours into a long road trip.

1. If Possible, Bring a Cooler

Logistically, it’s definitely easier to pack a cooler for a road trip than for air travel, but however you’re hitting the road, being able to bring one will expand your eating options considerably. If you can bring a light-weight cooler—which you certainly can do if you’re traveling by car (or bus or train), there are loads of food possibilities:

Hard or soft-boiled eggs, perfect with cherry tomatoes and avocado

Thinly sliced leftover meats to pair with Paleo mustard or mayo

Lettuce wraps with leftover meats and veggies

Pumpkin hummus*

Full-fat yogurt or kefir (though not technically Paleo, some people tolerate dairy and incorporate it into their “Paleo template”)*

Cheese from grass-fed cows’ milk

Paleo “granola bars”

Raw veggies or fruit, like carrots, sugar snap peas, sliced bell peppers, and apples

“Dump ranch” dressing to dip veggies in*

Nut butters for dipping fruits (macadamia, almond, and hazelnut butters are best)*

Baba ganoush, but if you’re on the autoimmune protocol, you’ll want to skip this one because eggplant is a nightshade*

Fruit smoothie, with coconut milk, almond milk, yogurt, or kefir as a base*

A note on the foods starred with an asterisk: If you’re bringing these liquid or liquid-like foods through airport security, they will have to meet national Transportation Security Administration (TSA) restrictions—that means packed in clear containers and in amounts that are 3.4 ounces or less. (Check with your carrier for the latest TSA guidelines.) On top of that, bringing melting ice and cool packs can get a little tricky with the TSA.

Here is one workaround: Don’t use cool packs. Instead, use a freezer-grade resealable bag with ice to keep your food cool when you leave home, and bring some extra bags. Throw out the bag of ice at security, and then replenish the ice in a new bag at a food vendor in the airport. Most vendors will charge you for cups of ice, but it’s definitely worth it because you’ll have a cooler-full of Paleo snacks to satisfy your hunger. (And it’s worth pointing out that if you’re checking your bag, you can pack extra items that don’t require refrigeration, and just bring enough on the plane to get you through your flight!)

2. Try Paleo-Friendly Packaged Food

In general, I try to avoid packaged foods, which likely contain industrial seed oils, added sugars, excess sodium, preservatives, artificial colors, and other questionable ingredients. But, traveling can be an exception to this rule. I would rather have high-quality beef jerky and some dry-roasted nuts on hand than be forced to choose between fast-food restaurants after not eating for 12 hours. The key here is high quality. Learn how to read a nutrition label and ingredients list.

Sneaky names for gluten, sugar, soy, and more are hidden in ingredient lists. Don’t ever assume you’re in the clear with packaged food without first reading the label. I’ve seen added sugars lurking in places you’d never expect, like in canned kidney beans and feta cheese!

Some of my favorite packaged Paleo travel snacks include:

Grass-fed beef jerky

Prepared meats like salami, pepperoni, and coppa

Organic lunch meats, served with mustard

Smoked salmon (make sure it’s soy free)

Nuts and seeds (dry roasted or raw are best, as most manufacturers roast in industrial seed oils)

Olives to eat with nuts, cheese, meats, and pickles (watch out for artificial colorings)

Canned salmon or tuna (packed in water or oil)

Nori chips or sheets

Pork rinds

Siete “tortilla chips” made with cassava flour

Kale chips

Individual containers of plain yogurt, kefir, or nut milks

Freeze-dried fruit

90 percent cocoa dark chocolate

Coconut flakes (these are surprisingly satisfying and filling)

Energy bars are often considered Paleo because they only contain “Paleo” ingredients like dates, cashews, and egg whites, but I would only buy these in a pinch. This type of calorie-dense, semi-processed treat walks a fine line between real food and a dessert.

3. Go Plastic Free

Don’t put your grass-fed beef taco lettuce wraps into plastic storage containers! Plastics are among the worst environmental toxins. Even BPA-free plastics have been shown to disrupt the endocrine system. (1) Ditching the plastic wrap, bags, and containers also cuts back on waste.

My favorite containers for packing food to go are stainless steel LunchBots. Also check out reusable beeswax wrap, glass mason jars of all sizes, and Pyrex glass containers with lids.

4. Fuel Up before You Hit the Road (or Consider Fasting)

I deliberately eat a big meal at home before leaving for a trip. If the trip is half a day or less, this is often enough to tide me over until I reach my destination.

As an alternative to eating before you leave (or if you didn’t have time to prep any snacks), don’t be afraid to fast! Occasional fasting was common for our Paleo ancestors, and regular intermittent fasting has been linked to many health benefits, including weight loss and improved cardiac health. (2, 3, 4)

5. Shop Smart and Get Creative

Even if you’ve packed snacks and have a good meal before leaving, eating on the road is inevitable, especially for longer trips. Typical rest stops, gas stations, or convenience stores generally don’t have much to offer, but some might sell hard-boiled eggs, cheese sticks, or roasted nuts. Thanks to smartphones and GPS, it’s easy to search for other food options beyond the fast-food places that populate most interstate exits. But instead of searching for “restaurants near me,” type in “grocery store.”

It’s not even a contest—if a grocery store is near the exit, you’re much better off shopping there than at any fast-food chain. As a bonus, you’ll get in some light exercise walking around the store.

Not every exit will have a Whole Foods, but even an average grocery store will have some reasonable options, including the Paleo-friendly packaged foods I listed above. If you’re unable to find those, or you’re looking for something different, try one of these creative meals instead:

A rotisserie chicken (remove the skin since the seasoning may contain sugar)

A shrimp cocktail ring (just skip the cocktail sauce)

A raw vegetable or fruit platter (these can be pricey, but items are conveniently already washed and sliced)

Pre-washed sugar snap peas, green beans, or other veggies

Salad bar items that are Paleo friendly, including grilled chicken, veggies, and olives

How Eat Paleo in a New Place

When you’re away from home, don’t expect to wander into the nearest food establishment and find grass-fed steak and organic, locally grown grilled vegetables on the menu. When eating Paleo in a new place, planning is the key to success.

First, whenever possible, I book a hotel with a kitchen or at least a kitchenette in the room. That way, I can brew my own tea, keep my kombucha in the fridge, and save any delicious (but large-portioned) leftovers from a nice dinner.

Next, research nearby restaurants ahead of time. If I’m heading to a book signing in a new city, I always get great recommendations from social media. Or try searching for keywords like these:

Local

Foodie

Gluten-free

Grass-fed

Organic

Pasture-raised

For a group dinner, take the initiative and suggest a restaurant from your research. If you can’t choose the restaurant, visit the menu online and call the restaurant to inquire about special accommodations. If the menu is severely limited, eat a healthy snack before you go.

Here are some other tips for navigating a restaurant while staying Paleo:

Opt for grilled, steamed, or roasted meat, steamed or baked veggies, and a simple starch like potatoes or white rice.

Avoid sauces, which usually contain sugar, gluten, and/or soy.

When ordering a salad, request dressing on the side to avoid industrial seed oils. Try asking for olive oil and vinegar instead.

If you’re gluten intolerant, always ask if a dish has gluten. Restaurants notoriously have sneaky gluten additives, in spice blends or as thickeners in sauces.

Don’t be afraid to be “that person” who asks the server a million questions. Maybe if more people kept requesting the same menu adjustments, restaurants would better accommodate Paleo customers.

Remember: You Can’t Control Everything

Obsessing over every morsel of food during a long trip can be downright exhausting. In fact, I don’t think it’s healthy to be so rigid that there isn’t any wiggle room to try the world’s best beer when you’re in Belgium or authentic, freshly made pasta if you’re in Italy. Likewise, when your flight gets delayed five hours, it might be better to buy a chef salad or have a burger without the bun than end up grumpy, “hangry,” or light-headed.

Live by the 80/20 rule—80 percent of the time, adhere to the ideal Paleo diet, but the other 20 percent of the time, loosen up and eat whatever you want (or, if you’re stranded while traveling and starving, whatever options you have on hand).

More Holistic Health Travel Tips

Eating nutrient-dense, whole foods is just one aspect of healthy living. Don’t ignore other aspects of health while traveling:

Find time to move around. Walk around the airport terminal, do chair squats on long flights, and try some jumping jacks at car rest stops. Taking a long morning walk in your new location will familiarize you with the area and is especially beneficial for your circadian rhythm if you’re traveling to a different time zone.

Stay hydrated. When flying, it’s recommended that you drink a cup of water for every hour in the air.

Make sleep a priority. It’s important to maintain the same healthy habits you follow at home. If you normally go to bed at a certain time, try to stick to your established routine as much as possible.

Meditate, practice mindfulness, and find time to relax.

Now I’d like to hear from you. Do you have any other tips on how to eat Paleo while traveling? What are your favorite Paleo travel snacks? Let us know in the comments!

The post Paleo Travel Snacks: How to Eat Healthy While You’re On the Go appeared first on Chris Kresser.

Source: http://chriskresser.com February 21, 2019 at 05:05PM

#paleo #recipe #food #delicious #healthy #yum #diet

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uschi-the-listener · 5 years

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Smoke Alarm Stories

During the day, it’s a quiet place, even though it’s a huge apartment complex, with buildings from A to G, all surrounding courtyards, and surrounded by parking lots and carports. When the kids are in school and the parents are at work or out shopping or doing whatever they do from dawn to sunset, it’s quiet.

Until the smoke alarm starts.

Every day, sometime between early morning and late afternoon, and occasionally in the evening, a smoke alarm goes off. Nobody stops it. It’s annoying, and once in a while, somebody can be heard yelling insanely at it, but it goes off once or twice a day, and it seems to be coming from the same place. An upstairs apartment, in building E.

The maintenance guys and the gardeners shake their heads and laugh. The apartment manager worries, when she hears it, but hesitates to intrude. Nobody smells any smoke. No flames are visible. Everything seems to be okay, but the manager worries. It’s part of the job.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter One

The sofa will never be the same again, and the smoke alarm was no help at all.

Fatima Aziz shuffles from the kitchen to the living room, to the bathroom, to the bedroom, all the time carrying on a conversation with herself about her plans for the day. She is 97 years old and has seen more of the world than anyone she knows. She is entitled to talk to herself while she carries out her routine chores and decides what to make for the momentous occasion coming up.

Her relatives are coming for a visit day after tomorrow, at least the ones living in the area. She lives a block from the madrassa and two blocks (“Uphill! It’s why I’m so old”,) from the mosque. Three of her sons, with their wives, live within a few miles. Her grandchildren live in the city, but that’s only about 40 miles away, and they will bring her (“Beautiful! And smart! Every one of them a Grade-A student and a hard worker!”)Great-grandchildren with them. Her daughter lives in New York City and has plans to visit by herself next winter, but she will not be here for the party.

So all the cooking is for Fatima; she would never ask her daughters-in-law to help, though they will probably bring along sweets or some sort of American food. They said not to bother, but Fatima knows what that means. (“Don’t bother! I bother. I will bother. I feed my guests; I am a good woman and I always will be while there is breath in my body and I have my hands and feet. Don’t bother…humph.”) She wants to make a lot of food, and she’s always been an excellent cook, but she is aware that she isn’t as strong as she used to be, that she tends to be a bit forgetful (“There’s a lot to forget! Insha’Allah, you should live so long in my head!”) so she’s thinking a few really good dishes that everybody loves, in large quantities.

Fatima made a huge bowl of Khyar bi Laban the night before, with her own homemade yogurt and the sweet little Persian cucumbers from the Arabic market around the corner. The hardest part of that project was getting down the steps and back up them again with the groceries. She also made enough taboule for about 50 people and started making maḥshī waraq ‘inab, with as many grape leaves as she could get on short notice. The olive oil and rice had been gifts from her oldest son, so she used minced lamb meat instead of the rather fatty hamburger meat from the local supermarket because he loves lamb and isn’t fond of beef. The pita breads she would make at the last minute, as many as she could in the stupid electric oven in the tiny apartment kitchen. They would wait until tomorrow.

Today, Fatima is making the baba ganoush: she has four large eggplants and plenty of garlic and olive oil and tahini, and everything else she needs to make a large quantity. The only problem is the stupid electric stove. You can bake an eggplant in the oven, or roast it on top of the nasty little burners on top, but it never turns out right and doesn’t get the smoky flavor grilling gives it; plus, those burners make it stick like glue and are hard to clean, and a lot of the best part gets wasted. These American stoves are for children and newlywed wives who know nothing about real cooking.

But Fatima has a little secret weapon: a tiny oil lamp filled with good olive oil that she can set on the table to cook the eggplants, one by one, each stuck on a long fork. After the skin is a little charred, the babyish oven can be put to use, finishing the job. It’s preheating now, and the heat feels good in the tiny kitchen. Fatima rolls up her sleeves and leans next to the oven for a moment to feel the heat in her bones, then reaches deep into the little cupboard under the sink for her oil lamp and a box of wooden matches.

To be safe, Fatima removed the linen cloth from her living room table, then set the little oil lamp on it near the edge. She knelt next to it, lit it with a match, and then began holding the first eggplant in the flame. It was going to take a long time, but some things just do. She held it there, supporting one arm with the other propped under her wrist, and slowly turned every part of the eggplant she could reach in the flame. As it started to char, the eggplant began to smell lovely, and Fatima was pulled back into her childhood, watching her mother char the eggplants on her own flame, on a grill in the courtyard, and smelling that delicious, smoky, fruity eggplant smell. When the first one was done, she set it on a hot tray in the oven and started the next one.

Halfway finished with the fourth eggplant, Fatima’s arms begin to wobble a little. Her muscles are tired. The eggplant dips a little too close to the little lamp, and when she jerks it back up, her sleeve bumps the lamp and it falls over, spilling flaming olive oil onto the table. A few large drops splatter onto the sofa cushions where they ignite instantly.

Fatima quickly squashes out and mops up the flaming oil on the table with the linen scarf she had moved earlier, then she leaps up, as well as a 97-year-old woman can leap, and pulls the afghan from the back of the sofa. She begins to beat at the flames on the sofa cushions with the afghan, effectively fanning the flames higher.

The smoke alarm begins to scream as black smoke belches from the synthetic fabric and foam rubber. Fatima steps back, finds a tall floor vase full of flowers and water—and douses the lowest part of the flame, which puts it out. She stands, shaking, and notes that the party will likely have to be based in the kitchen and dining room. She glares at the smoke alarm, which is on the ceiling, and too far away to be easily deactivated.

Muttering curses at the useless alarm, Fatima looks around the room, and then picks up the eggplant, which lies forgotten on her ruined table. Thankfully, the final eggplant appears to be done, unharmed by the disaster that took place over the course of only a few minutes.

Fatima carries it into the kitchen, places it with its brothers, turns off the oven, and collapses into the armchair at the head of the dining room table. As the alarm continues to screech, Fatima’s head nods, and she falls asleep with her head back and her mouth open.

It’s been a rough day so far.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter Two

One minute, I’m looking at what was supposed to be a box full of free kittens—but turned out to be 3 or 4 grubby little stuffed animals with an iPod playing kitten noises: What A Rip-Off!—in the back of the van of a fat old guy who works in the basement of the school, and the next, I’m waking up on a dirty carpet, staring at an eye with running mascara, smushed eye shadow, and maybe a bruise above the eyebrow. I can’t move much. My hands are behind me, and when I pull on them, my feet move. It’s weird and I wiggle to see how far I can move. Not far at all.

I can’t breathe through my nose, and I can hear some kind of clogged drain or something, only with a beat, like, skraaaaz, honk, skraaaaz, and honk. It dawns on me that the eye is mine, reflected on some kind of flat metal thing, and the sound is the fat guy, snoring. I’m not allowed to wear eye makeup, but oh well. I thought I’d have time to wash it off before Mom got home. I don’t even care now. I don’t have any clothes on, and my body feels all dirty and sticky and I hurt all over and my stomach feels all woozy.

People are always telling you never to walk home from school by yourself, but nobody ever tells you what you’re supposed to do when you have a serious argument with your friends almost before you’re off the campus, and you have to walk home alone. We only live 6 ½ blocks from the school, which is why I don’t have a carpool or a bus or some kind of parent pick-up time. This is perfectly normal. It’s a suburb, not like New York or L.A. or anything.

I think if it ever happens again, I’m going to just stay at the school and call somebody. I am never getting into this kind of trouble again. Cross my heart. Never.

So, I’m looking and listening and trying to move, and trying to sort out what exactly is going on, when I stretch back and feel what I’m tied up with. It’s zip-ties. I read a thing last week on Pinterest about escaping from them by wiggling a certain way and pinching my hands together. I’m trying to look backwards into my brain for the videos on the website, so I can do it. The guy on the video made it look so easy! Trust me, it isn’t. And it hurts.

Fortunately for me, my hands were crossed. It’s easier to get out if you can squeeze your top thumb out first, then the rest of your hand will follow, then the other one just sits there with an ugly bracelet on. It hurts, and I have some sore spots from doing it, but it got me out. That video maybe saved my life, so I want to advertise for that guy. His website is here: http://www.itstactical.com/skillcom/lock-picking/how-to-escape-from-zip-ties/. I looked it up. It’s only fair.

So, anyway, I get my hands out, then my feet out, and that guy is still asleep on the couch in his socks and grey old holey underwear. It’s disgusting and I almost gag. I discover that I’ve been lying under a glass and chrome coffee table with my nose up against the table leg. But there isn’t any time to think about that, and I want my stuff and I want to leave right now. I can see my backpack in the corner behind the front door, but I don’t see my clothes anywhere. I don’t want to look around, because it’s gross and I feel like screaming and panicking and crying. I think I’m crying, but I don’t have time for that, so I tiptoe into the hallway toward the bedroom and see some of my clothes on the messy, dirty bed. I snatch up my jeans and tee shirt and I can’t find any of my underwear or my socks, but my shoes are half under the bed, so I resign myself to putting them on without socks and not wearing underwear.

I hurt. It hurts to zip up the jeans and I feel like my legs aren’t working right. But I get dressed fast and stumble silently (I hope) to the front door which is not only locked, there is a hasp thingy and a padlock down by the floor. I go to the patio door: same thing. The windows are closed and locked. I go back to the bedroom and see the ugly old fat guy’s ugly old dirty jeans and there is a big ring of keys attached to the belt. I yank them loose and sneak, fast as I can, back to the door. I’m trying not to jingle the keys, but they have to make some noise while I’m trying to find the right key, and there are a lot of them, most of them looking exactly the same, with MASTER printed on them, and my hands are shaking like I’m diseased or something.

I hear the honking stop and the guy shift on the couch. I freeze. The snoring starts up again, even louder. I let my breath out. I’m thinking this guy has some kind of sleeping sickness, or maybe he’s drunk or on drugs or something. Anyway, I have to GET OUT! I consider banging on the door and yelling for help, but I can see how that could go very, very wrong. So I fumble with the keys some more for a minute while I think about what else I can do.

I’m looking around while I think, and I see the smoke alarm. If I set something on fire, maybe the firemen will come and let me out! I look around, and there isn’t much that burns. Lots of beer cans and vodka bottles. A plastic pretzel bag. Some dirty dishes and a leather-looking overnight bag. Some crappy plastic-and-metal furniture.

Suddenly I remember that one of the reasons my friends wouldn’t walk with me is I bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. They said I was disgusting and immoral and that I might as well be buying heroin. I was mad because a few days before they were talking about having boyfriends some day and if they smoked, it would be okay with them. I wanted to try them because my dad was a smoker, according to my mom, and I thought maybe I would grow up to be like him. So I wanted to try them. But now, I just had this unopened pack of Disgusting Immoral Heroin sticks in my backpack, and an evil lighter to light them with. If I could blow a bunch of smoke at the smoke alarm, maybe somebody would come! I didn’t care if I got caught with the cigarettes; I just wanted to be OUT OF THERE before that nasty old guy woke up.

I unzipped the backpack as quietly as I could, and dug down deep where the pack of cigarettes was hiding. My hands were sweaty, so they slipped away from me for a minute, but I got them and tore them open with my teeth, and instantly dropped them. The lighter was there, too, and I grabbed it and held the cigarette the way I saw the lady outside by the pool at our apartment hold hers, then tried to light it. It charred a little, but eventually a wisp of smoke came out. I went over by the kitchen, where the alarm was high up on the wall, and held the cigarette up as high as I could, standing on tiptoe, almost to where it would have touched the plastic of the alarm case, if I were about 3 inches taller.

Nothing happened.

I sucked on the cigarette, but coughed, and blew a big cloud of smoke at the alarm. It didn’t help. I felt woozy and sick, and I had to hold my breath and swallow until the cough went away. My eyes were already watering, and they watered some more. Normally, I would have given up right there, but then I thought, well, it’s smoke. Just not enough smoke.

So I lit another and held them both up. Nothing. And another, and another. Finally, I had the whole pack lit and clenched in one hand while I steadied myself on the wall with the other.

At long last, the stupid alarm got the hint and started beeping, almost too loud to stand next to it, but I had to stand next to it if this was going to work!

And nobody came. Nobody knocked. No firemen. No neighbors. I heard some guy yelling SHUT IT OFF ASSHOLE and banging from below, but when I yelled back, HELP ME!, he didn’t answer and probably didn’t hear me. The next thing that happened, the fat old kidnapper guy was staggering right at me and yelling something, too! He wasn’t too steady, and his eyes looked really bad, like maybe he couldn’t see, and he kept putting his hands over his ears.

I stooped down and got his keys again, and threw them, really hard, at his head, and threw the cigarettes at him, too. I know they connected, but I wasn’t waiting around to see what he was going to do, or if I killed him or something, though I was pretty sure I didn’t. I grabbed my backpack and ran to the bathroom. I got out my cell phone and texted mom, MOM HELP! SOME GUY HAS ME AT HIS APT AND I CAN’T GET OUT! HELP! Then I called 911. The door on the bathroom was locked, but sort of thin, and the guy was yelling over the alarm and banging on the door like he was going to break it down. I yelled into the phone that I was kidnapped by a guy that worked at my school, that my name was Chelsea Fingle, that I was in fifth grade, and what school I went to, and that my mom’s name was Susan McHale, and gave her cell phone number. The door was starting to bulge around the knob and make splintery sounds, so I looked around for something I could hit the guy with when he broke through.

There was a toilet brush, which would have worked on me, but the guy was pretty gross and probably wouldn’t even notice. I looked in the medicine cabinet and there was something with a homemade label that said Chloroform which smelled really horrible and sickening and oddly familiar, and some drugs in those little brown bottles, plastic disposable razors, and shaving cream.

I picked up the shaving cream and the Chloroform bottle and braced myself. I could tell the door was about to go. Sure enough, the door stretched in more than I thought wood could stretch, and splinters and chunks of thin wood blasted into the bathroom all over me. I had already put my arm over my face, and as soon as the guy was in, I aimed and squirted Barbasol all in his eyes. He grunted, then screamed, probably more mad than hurt. He was already sort of falling into the room, and now he lost his balance and fell against the sink. I dumped the whole bottle of Chloroform over his head and threw the bottle—hard–and jumped on his back and ran out to the living room.

I picked up one of his cheesy chairs and started banging on the glass patio door. A big crack ran right up it, so I banged on the crack, and the whole door fell in little pieces all over the little balcony outside the door. It was a relief to get out there and get away from the stupid, noisy smoke alarm. I could hear sirens coming nearer and I started to look around for a way to get down from the second floor without killing myself. There were hedges down below, so I just rolled over the edge onto the hedges, which were prickly and tore my shirt in a few places, but I didn’t mind. I bounced off and fell on some grass, then took off running, waving and yelling at the police car pulling into the parking lot past the gates.

My makeup was ruined, and so was my tee shirt, and I had no socks or underwear, but I had my backpack and my phone.

And my life.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter Three

If you wait long enough, a smoke alarm turns itself off, though not without adding to any ambient chaos already in place.

For once, the whole family is at home; nobody has soccer practice, nobody stayed late at work, the air conditioning isn’t working at the mall, so nobody went there after school, and everybody else is home from day care. So the family is having dinner together tonight, and Mom is busy making a huge meal of cheeseburgers, green salad, potato salad, and popsicles for dessert. Everything is done and waiting in the ‘fridge or freezer except the burgers, and all the buns are dressed to order for each family member.

Mom has nine burgers on the griddle at once: one for Liz, the oldest, two each for Oscar and Omar, the 8-year-old twins, one for little Kathy, the 5-year-old, and one for herself and two for her husband. The baby, Randall, in the playpen, doesn’t have enough teeth yet to have one, so he will be enjoying a Junior Meal, which is heating up separately. That’s a lot of burgers.

Unfortunately, when dinner is almost done, the smoke alarm goes off, shrilly announcing that it disapproves of so much cooking being done all at once. It has its limits. Mom yells into the living room, “Could somebody get that, please?! It’s driving me crazy! I can’t leave this!”

Dad looks up from his paper and shouts for Liz to turn off the smoke alarm. Liz rolls her eyes, says, “In a minute…” and continues working on her homework at the dining room table, where the twins are tossing dishes and flatware back and forth while setting the table for dinner. Liz tells them to “Cut it out, Apes! Turn off that stupid alarm! The broom is behind the door!”

The twins ignore Liz and continue their juggling act/table-setting routine. The baby starts to cry, so Kathy climbs into the playpen with him, pulls him onto her lap, and rocks him while she whispers into his ear, “It’s okay; the smoke alarm thinks it’s a fire, but it isn’t. It’s just like the fire trucks telling everybody to get out of the way. It’s just trying to help, but it isn’t very smart. I don’t think it likes cheeseburgers.” The baby stops crying, shudders a little, then cuddles closer to his big sister, who continues to rock him and begins singing a little made-up song about fire trucks and smoke alarms in his ear, using the shrill beeping as rhythmic back-up.

Mom is still cooking, and calls out, “Please! Somebody! Turn it off!” Dad throws down his newspaper, heaves an exasperated sigh and says, “Liz–!” then stalks out of the room. Oscar and Omar begin meticulously aligning every plate, fork, and glass, not raising their eyes for anything.

Kathy sighs heavily, kisses her tiny brother on the top of his head, and hands him his favorite jingly elephant toy. She climbs out of the playpen and runs over to where Liz had said the broom was; it isn’t there. Kathy trots around the house looking in corners, and finally locates it on the patio. She drags the heavy door open, grabs the broom, then closes the door with a mighty shove.

Then Kathy goes over to the noisy smoke alarm. Holding the broom by the bristles, she tries to poke the alarm, high over her head, with the broom’s handle, succeeding only in knocking a picture off the wall, whacking herself in the head, and making herself skip backward a few steps.

Patiently, she tries again. She manages to poke the alarm, but not in the right place, and it continues to sound its useless and annoying shrieks. Kathy backs up, tries again, pokes the alarm, but with no effect once again.

Mom is just coming into the room to deal with it herself, when the alarm spontaneously quits. Kathy drops the broom on the floor, climbs back into the playpen with her brother and pops her right thumb into her mouth. Randall crawls over to her lap and falls asleep draped across her legs.

Mom goes back to the kitchen, calling, “Dinner, everybody!” and begins bringing food to the table.

Dinner is served.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter Four

A smoke alarm is supposed to be a lifesaving tool, not a tiny, daily weapon of attrition. Yet, it is admirably suited for such a purpose. Beware oppression; it creates implacable enemies who will have no conscience when it comes to avenging themselves upon the oppressor.

Suzannah wakes up just before dawn, when the first birds are beginning their daily territorial squabble. The alarm still has about half an hour to go, so she quietly slips from under the covers, careful not to jostle the bed too much and disturb her snoring husband. Tiptoeing to the kitchen, she puts her apron on over her nightie and begins gathering a few breakfast items: she set out a few eggs, sausage patties, white bread, coffee beans, half a dozen oranges, and a single grapefruit. She takes the milk from the refrigerator and noticing that there is about half the quart left; she quickly adds a teaspoon of vinegar to it, holds it shut, and shakes it vigorously.

Looking at the clock, Suzannah notes that it is about 12 minutes before the alarm will go off. Immediately, she grabs the electric coffee grinder and the coffee beans and begins grinding as she walks toward the bedroom. The snoring is still loud and clear, like she imagines a ramshackle chain saw, or an engine running out of oil, would sound. She frowns thoughtfully and shakes the grinder a little before giving up and continuing with his breakfast.

Suzannah trudges back toward the kitchen and begins juicing the oranges and the grapefruit into a large juice glass, careful to include a few seeds from each piece of fruit, and some of the webbing from between the sections. She discards the rinds, careful to conceal the grapefruit peel beneath the rest of the garbage in the pail. Turning to the stove, Suzannah grabs an iron skillet, raises it to shoulder height, and drops it into the sink, where it breaks a wine glass from the night before, and makes a godawful clatter amongst the silverware and small plastic snack plates.

After a snort, a gasp, and a pause, the alarm clock begins playing a Sousa march. There is a great deal of rustling , and the snooze alarm is activated for another 15 minutes of sleep. More snoring ensues, if anything, louder and more repulsively than before. Suzannah pulls the skillet from the sink and places a huge spoonful of lard into it, turning the temperature of the front burner to HI. She smiles grimly, thinking of the term, “burner,” and stirs the fat in the pan, breaking it up so it will melt faster. She turns and drops the bread into the toaster and pushes the lever down, then adjusts the setting to the furthest reaches of DARK.

By this time, the lard has melted. Suzannah drops the pork sausage patties into it with a sizzle, then immediately breaks 3 eggs next to them, making sure to break each yolk and hide a few fragments of shell under each. The edges of the egg whites begin to turn into a black, lacy trim as the yolks spread, then harden in their greasy bath. When the toast pops up, she shoves it back down again and it begins to smoke.

Suzannah takes the butter from the refrigerator, and then turns the hot water on as far as it will go and lets it run down the garbage disposal, which she turns on. It crunches at food particles from last night’s dinner and the broken wine glass. She winces at the noise, turns off the disposal, but leaves the water running.

When the snooze alarm begins playing its ironically cheery tune, Suzannah turns off the hot water and begins setting the table. She runs a little cold water into a pitcher, quickly steps outside, and douses the newspaper on the stoop with the water. She picks up the paper, shakes it, and places it carefully, aligning it on the table next to the knife and spoon.

The shower starts running.

Quickly, Suzannah turns the hot water off, waits a moment, then turns it on again, then off again. Hearing a gasp and a grunt from the bathroom, she turns the hot water on and off for a final time. After a few minutes, the shower quits, she hears the rings of the shower curtain slide along the rod, and the heavy clump of her husband’s feet hitting the bathmat.

She turns back to the stove, where the sausage patties and eggs look as horrible as such foods can look: burnt, greasy, and beginning to smoke. Suzannah’s husband emerges from the bedroom, a tall, portly, grey-haired man in a light grey suit.

Suzannah quickly takes the burnt toast from the toaster and begins scraping it directly over the brown-and green-patterned upholstery of the dining room chair at the head of the table. When her husband enters the kitchen, she places the toast on his plate and begins buttering it with the cold, hard butter before he can see what she had been doing with it.

As he enters the kitchen, the lard in the frying pan bursts into flames and black smoke. The smoke alarm shrieks its warning, too late, as usual, to do anything about the problem. Suzannah smacks the lid on the pan, which stifles the flames, but smoke still churns around the edges of the lid.

Her husband steps toward her, raising his arm above his opposite shoulder in “backhand” position. Suzannah flinches, shoulders hunched and rising to her ears, her head to the side, her hands clenched at her waist. They stand in this tableau of violence for a full minute before he wordlessly lowers his arm and strides to the table, where he sits down and reaches for the paper.

The smoke alarm screams on and on. With a grunt of frustration, the husband lifts his coffee cup and bangs it on the table. Suzannah scurries over and fills it, bringing the milk carton from the refrigerator. When she pours from it into his cup, curdled lumps and whey drop out. He turns in his chair, looks her up and down, and starts screaming over the smoke alarm, “You stupid, useless bitch! I swear! You are getting worse! You fucking useless piece of shit! Get out of my sight!”

He rises from his chair, drops the soaked newspaper in the trash, shoves Suzannah, hard, into the counter, where she trips and falls to the floor. He lurches past her, black crumbs clinging to the back of his pants. He slams out of the house, yelling over his shoulder, “I’ll get a decent breakfast someplace else! Anywhere but here! I’ll be home at five and I want my dinner hot and ready and on the table! Stupid bitch…” and continues down the stairs, cursing to himself and receding into the distance.

Suzannah pulls herself to her feet, brushes herself off, and then dumps the toast, coffee, and the contents of the frying pan, into the trash. He hadn’t even tried his juice, which Suzannah strains and drinks. She gets the whole wheat bread from the breadbox, takes fresh eggs from the refrigerator, and makes two poached eggs on perfect toast with a side of sliced tomatoes from the Farmer’s Market. She begins completing the crossword puzzle from yesterday’s paper while she drinks her coffee and eats her breakfast.

The smoke alarm stops. The apartment is blessedly silent, except for the sound of a small child singing Row-row-row-you-boat, off-key but happily, from somewhere outside.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter Five

Not everybody hates the sound of a smoke alarm, but you would have to travel pretty far to find two who love it.

Yancey awakens abruptly, raising his head from Mommy’s pillow, where he’s been napping for most of the morning. He listens; hearing nothing but the usual clock-ticking and refrigerator-humming sounds, he prepares to go back to sleep. But then—the knocking starts up again. Someone is knocking on the door, despite having received no answer and clearly not about to receive one.

Yancey calls out, loudly, in Siamese, “Go Away. She isn’t home yet.” The knocking starts again. Yancey grunts in annoyance, stands up, walks around in a circle, and lies down again, curled up on the pillow. His tail twitches, eyes wide open, ears beginning to flatten in frustration.

Two men in dark suits stand patiently on the doormat, waiting for someone to come to the door. They look at each other, and the one on the left begins to knock again. They can hear the cat complaining inside, but knock again all the same. The one on the left says to his companion, “Nobody home. Here, hold this.” He leans into the other man, and then goes limp. His friend puts his arm around his waist and holds him up. The limp man tilts his head back and opens his mouth.

Slowly, a curling, foggy, gel-like substance begins to float out and form above the man’s face. It keeps coming. Grey-blue, swirled with lavender, sparkling faintly in the sun, the translucent but fairly substantial haze bunches together, and then swoops in a stream toward the man’s shoes, where it begins to seep over the mat and under the door, which is quite a tight squeeze.

When the entire mass has entered under the door, the doorknob begins to rattle and turn. The door swings open and the man on the right steps in, half-carrying, half-dragging the limp figure of his friend. He kicks the door shut with one foot, reaching out behind him. He pulls his friend’s limp body onto the living room couch and sits down next to it. He looks at the gel-fog hovering halfway to the ceiling and says, “I’m so tired.” He smiles, sleepily, leans back, and opens his own mouth.

As a grey-blue foggy gel seeps from his mouth, the man’s body goes limp and flops back over his friend’s supine body. Pinkish sparks light up in the gel-fog as it joins its compatriot, hovering over the couch. They swirl together briefly, and the pink sparks brighten. The two entities swoop quickly around the room, pausing over all electronic and some mechanical devices. A tiny clock under a dome chimes eleven times, and the entities are visibly joyous, swirling in frilly arcs over the dome in quick, dancing movements.

By this time, Yancey has awakened and decided to check out whoever has come into his domain. He is the man of the house, and Master of All He Surveys, and feels responsible for the safety of such valuable objects as the cat tree, the food dishes, and several tattered catnip mice and feathered balls scattered throughout his apartment. His property seems undisturbed, so he jumps onto the back of the couch, sniffs the limp men, then leaps and scrambles up to his favorite observation tower on top of the tallest bookcase, which takes him to about 10 inches from the ceiling. So far, the show is fascinating, except for the supersonic emanations emitting from the creatures floating and swooping through the room. They hurt his ears and he can feel the fur of his tail and the nape of his neck beginning to rise. He is assuming they are speaking whatever unearthly language they speak and doesn’t approve. They’re being rude.

Meanwhile, B’ViViVi and Cheeesri’peet continue to feel for electronic vibrations around the room, looking for a quick and easy meal. They hover over the television, which they turn on. The deep tones of a program featuring noisy trucks and explosions offends their sensibilities, so they turn off the sound and simply suck electricity from the cable attached to the television. Cheeesri’peet enters the kitchen and drinks from the microwave as it cooks nothing for a few minutes, humming busily as it turns its empty turntable. The refrigerator also provides a hearty side-dish. B’ViViVi enters the bathroom and finds the electric shaver, the electric toothbrush, and a vibrating appliance hidden in the bottom drawer of the dresser in the bedroom. He sets them all to their highest speeds and flows from one to the other to the other as he drains different-flavored energy from each.

The two visitors re-enter the living room, taking note of the cat on top of the bookcase, who glares warily at them. B’ViViVi teases the hair on the cat, which crackles and sparks. Cheeesri’peet winds a tentacle of his substance around his friend and pulls him away from the annoyed feline, who huffily resettles himself on his haunches and refuses to look. His ears are flattened in discomfort as the two uninvited guests chitter supersonically back and forth to each other.

Suddenly, B’ViViVi spots a circular appliance, high up on the wall, and feels around for its vibration. This item is battery-run only, but tasty all the same. Cheeesri’peet activates it and springs back in sudden delight as it begins playing something very similar to the classical music of his people, with rhythmic bass notes throbbing at the lowest frequency in tune with a little flashing red light, not unlike the light show accompanying the popular music of their home planet. The supersonic trills and arabesques delight the two gel-fog beings, who begin to flutter, swoop, and swirl throughout the apartment, singing along with the superb composition coming from the tiny appliance.

Yancey’s ears flatten lower than they’ve ever gone, and he can’t stop himself from growling in pain, though he recognizes that what they are doing is a sort of music; he admires their virtuosity while condemning the performance for the squeaking misery it causes him. He can hear, up and down the complex, dogs beginning to howl in agony. The pug twins next door are squealing miserably, and the Doberman two doors down sounds like it will have a seizure if the “music” doesn’t stop pretty quickly.

The alien visitors continue to dance and sing, paying no attention to Yancey’s discomfort or the howling of the local canine community. Their joy is brief enough on this strange planet and they have no intention of abbreviating it. This will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for most of those dogs and cats within earshot. Besides, B’ViViVi and Cheeesri’peet knew from past encounters that the four-legged of this planet tend to have short memories.

Sadly, the impromptu concert is interrupted by the sound of a key in the front door lock. B’ViViVi and Cheeesri’peet swoop back into the bodies on the couch, then rise with renewed energy, and wait by the door. The moment it opens, they rush out, pushing past a woman in a tan business suit and black pumps, whose mouth drops open in astonishment.

The men leap to the railing, then to the roof, and then join hands and leap into the sky, where they float away like escaping balloons. As they grow smaller in the distance, Yancey leaps down from his perch onto the couch, thence to the door, where he also attempts to push past Mommy and jump to the railing. Mommy shakes herself, closes her mouth, then gently picks Yancey up, absently stroking him from ears to tail, and steps into the living room.

The smoke alarm quits, just as she begins dialing 911 on her cell phone.

)0(

Smoke Alarm Stories: Chapter Six

Sometimes the smoke alarm just isn’t important enough to sidetrack the tenant.

“Hi, Mom—did you get my email?” ……….

“Yes, yesterday. I guess you didn’t get it yet.” ………..

“Okay, just excited about a little development I thought you’d like to hear about….”

“Exactly! And she’s coming for dinner tonight for the first time” ………….

“Yes, here.” …………………………

“I was thinking steak and rice pilaf and asparagus.” ……………………………

“I know, and I have that wonderful griddle you sent me last year for Christmas…” …………………….

“Cherries Jubilee” ……….…

“Yeah, everybody likes a flambé-type dessert” ………………

“Mmmm hmmm…mmm hmmm…” …….

” I think I can pull it off.” ……..…

“Yes, Dad sent me a fire extinguisher” ………………………

” Yup, fully charged” ……………..

“It’s not that old and I don’t expect I’ll need it” ………………

“I know, nobody expects to need one, but I…” …….

“Okay, I promise.” ……

“I gotta go now, Mom.” ……………………

“I know, but I have a lot to do before tonight.” …………………..

“Yes, I’ll tell you all about it, but I gotta go now.” …………….

“Okay, I’ll call you back later…” ……………………….

“Okay, bye! Love you! Tell Dad I said hi…bye bye— “

(Jacob heaves a deep sigh, then hits a number on his speed-dial.)

“Hello, Edward?” ………

“Yes, it’s me.” ……………..

“I know, I missed you, too.” ……………………

“Yeah, tonight around seven; can you still make it?” ……………….

“No, you don’t have to bring anything unless you want wine.” …………..

“Red. Something like a merlot.” ……………..

“You eat meat, right?” ……………….

“Hahaha, yeah, I know, but I was thinking steaks; I have this griddle I’ve never used…” …………………….

“Mmmm hmmm, dessert and everything” ………….

“No, I’m just not ready.” …………….…

“She thinks I have a girlfriend.” ………………..

“What do you mean?” …………….…

“Of course I’m not ashamed of you, I was just hoping to get through school before I…” ……………….…

“No, I know, I know. But look what happened to Jesse, and Geoffrey, and…” …………………..

“I know, that’s what I’m trying to avoid…” …………………….

“I think I’d better do it by myself.” ……………….

“Maybe they can meet you first in another context, like on Family Day or something.” ……………………..

“Yes, but I don’t feel ready.” ………….

“It’s too soon.” …………….

“No, I’m not waiting for conditions to be right.” …………………….

“Well, sort of, I guess, but it’s not like that.” …………………..

“I don’t think it’s wrong, because they offered, and I accepted, and there weren’t any conditions except that I not flunk out. It’s not dishonest if they didn’t say anything about it.” ………..…

“I don’t know, we never talked about it, but they don’t say anything when there are those horrible jokes on sitcoms…” ……….…

“I realize that, but I still need help paying for school, plus I’m on their insurance.” ……………………

“No, they never said anything about that.” ……………..…

“Mom always says she just wants me to be happy, but…” ………….…

“Wait a minute; I think my toast is burning!” ……………..

“Yes.” ………………

“Yeah.” …………….

“But I’ve been up for a while, just didn’t have breakfast yet—hold on— “

(Smoke Alarm screams indignantly and won’t shut up…)

“Of course I love you!” ………………

“It’s just…” ……………

“No, it’s burnt black; I’ll make new.” …………….

“Wait a minute, Mom is on the other line” ………………………

” Hold on—“

(Jacob distractedly punches buttons on his phone.)

“Mom? I was going to call you back; give me a minute—she’s on the other line— “

(More distracted button-punching…)

“Hi, Edward, honey? We’ll talk about this tonight and maybe you can help me make a plan. I totally want them to know about us. I have to hang up and kill that fucking smoke alarm. It’s driving me crazy!” ………………..

(Silence.)

“Oh…” ……………………….

“Mom, I thought you were on the other line.” ……………….

“Yes, we need to talk. There’s something important I need you to know about me.” ………………….

“His name is Edward, and I am in love with him.” ………………………

“No, Mom, we’re the same age. He’s actually two months younger. He’s in a couple of my classes.” ……………….

“I was going to tell you and Dad in person.” …………………….

“No, I don’t know when; I hadn’t planned that far ahead. It’s going to be okay, Mom. I’m the same person I was when I was in high school. I’m still the same person.” ……………………

“Well, I’m grown up now.” ……………..

“Of course, I love you. I want you in my life, but I can’t stop being who I really am just to make you happy. This is important. It’s more about me than it is about you and Dad.” ………………

“You can tell him if you want, but I think it would be better if you let me do it. I don’t want you taking the heat for me, and it’s really up to me.” ………..

“Yes, dinner tonight. At around seven. We were going to talk about telling you then.” ………………..

“I know you’d like him. He’s wonderful, Mom, a dream come true. You’ll see.” ……………..

“Okay, I’ll call you in the morning and let you know how it went. Remember, I want to be there when Dad gets the news, but if you can’t deal with that, I won’t be mad at you.” ………………..

“No, I mean it. I’ll always love you, no matter what.” ……………..

“Yes, Mom, I know. But now I have to clean up and turn off the smoke alarm and do a tiny bit of shopping before tonight. The cooking will be a breeze. You know you taught me very well. I can handle this.” ………..

“I love you, Mama. Now let me go. I’ll call around 10 tomorrow morning.” …….

“Love you, too. Bye-bye. I promise.”

(The phone rings again, just as the smoke alarm spontaneously goes silent.)

“Hello? Edward?” …………………..

“Oh My God, you’ll ever guess what just happened…!” ………………………

#smoke alarm stories one through six

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