#babylon bee

[culturevulturette]

Heaven forfend!

#lol #babylon bee

[the-garbanzo-annex-jr]

#babylon bee #humor #palestinian authority #gaza hospitals #ammunition

[mightyflamethrower]

#babylon bee #government corruption #woke liberal madness

[capitalism-and-analytics]

We're not really sure what it is, but experts say America is now deep in the throes of a terrible thing called "late-stage capitalism." Paul Krugman and Che Guevara tried to warn us, but we didn't listen. The consequences aren't for the faint of heart.

To help you prepare for the terrible things you're going to witness as we reach this horrific time in human history, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of frightening features of late-stage capitalism:

Readily available food: And you don't even have to stand in lines all day for it. Disgusting.

Air conditioning that freezes your wife to death: Late-stage capitalism is especially hard on women.

People running for fun: You see that guy running in your neighborhood? Nothing is chasing him. It's unnatural.

Cruises: Thousands of middle-class people squished on a boat having a great time? Might as well be a concentration camp.

Tom Cruises: We must stop capitalism before they multiply!

Stanley tumblers: Nobody needs to drink that much water.

Banned books being available at every bookstore: Only unadulterated opulence makes things that are banned so widely available.

Plenty of free time: You might end up getting roped into a nice board game with your family. Ugh.

So many entertainment options that you spend all night on the couch trying to decide what to watch: And then your wife falls asleep as soon as you find something. Curse you, capitalism!

Chick-fil-A: Capitalist fat cats love the luxury of having delicious chicken and waffle fries handed to them in their cars. Obscene.

Long lines at amusement parks when it's hot outside: Hell on Earth.

So few actual problems that we have to invent some: Like being born the wrong gender.

Donald Trump: AAAAGGGGHHHH!

There's no denying it, you're seeing unmistakable signs that the outright collapse of capitalism is imminent. Switch over to communism while there's still time!

#Communism #Antisocialism #Anticommunism #Economics #Minimum Wage #Living Wage #Eat the Rich #Republican #Democrat #Libertarian #Conservative #Liberal #funny #funny meme #capitalism #socialism #dark humor #politics #anticapitalism #babylon bee

[kharmii]

First thing I saw on Babylon Bee this morning.

#donald trump #babylon bee #fun stuff #school photos #dank memes #school pictures #*dies*

[greater-than-the-sword]

#babylon bee

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

WASHINGTON, DC — A devastating new report revealed that despite massive layoffs, thousands of journalists still remain gainfully employed.

"It's a tough pill to swallow," said researcher Stan Morgan as he announced the study's results. "Even after multiple rounds of layoffs at the Los Angeles Times, the Washington Post, and many other newspapers, it's only been a drop in the bucket. Tragically, even today, thousands of journalists have not yet been laid off."

Reports have conclusively proved the immense benefits of firing journalists, leaving researchers puzzled as to why more outlets aren't following the sterling example of the Los Angeles Times.

"We applaud the efforts of the L.A. Times and the Post to address the stain on our nation," said Morgan. "If only more newspapers would follow suit, millions of Americans could live more happy, productive lives. We must all do our part to never, ever read what journalists write. It's up to all of us."

As of publishing time, thousands of journalists had acquired new jobs at Dunkin' Donuts, where they reportedly spent their days harassing customers for not ordering black coffee.

#babylon bee

[sirfrogsworth]

The Babylon Bee School of Comedy

Have you ever wanted to make Elon Musk reply to you with a double cry laughing emoji?

If you crave that sweet billionaire validation you need only follow this carefully crafted conservative comedy content creation course for that powerhouse of online satire... The Babylon Bee.

Soon you too could be bootlicking billionaire balls with the rest of The BBee writers.

Are you ready to get your learn on?

Let us Bee-gin.

The number one most important rule that all The BBee writers must internalize to their core...

Conservative comedy abhors effort.

Brainstorming for hours on end to craft the perfect premise and punchline... is for the Libs. Check out this Facebook meme that got 10,000 likes.

Can you order Starbucks from a bar? Doesn't matter, it's a snowflake drink for a snowflake Lib.

Does this joke not have an actual punchline? Doesn't matter, get lost you stupid Lib!

Is this technically a joke by definition? Doesn't matter, if you believe it is a joke, then it's a joke! Just like modern currency.

If you put too much thought into a joke, it might grow in complexity. That could be confusing! The death knell of any conservative joke are the words, "Hmm, that's a thinker."

This brings us to rule number two...

NO THINKERS!

Let's take this Ben Garrison comic as an example.

Spell everything out! Label everything! Don't leave anything to the imagination! If your audience has to figure something out or draw their own conclusions, what fun is that?

Conservatives want to hear things that are familiar. They want their beliefs parroted back at them. You must regurgitate those beliefs and then just make it *sound* like a joke. Don't break new ground or introduce new ideas. Don't get all caught up in interesting wordplay or clever puns or subverting expectations.

All expectations should be fully verted.

That is definitely a word because I saw someone use it on Facebook. End of research.

Here is a helpful tip. If you can't imagine the joke coming out of the mouth of late night comedy genius GUTFELD!, then you need to dial it back a bit. Do not surpass GUTFELD! levels of humor. GUTFELD! is your touchstone.

Oh, GUTFELD! I laughed so hard I FELD it in my GUT.

See, I went too far with my fancy pun. That is not the GUTFELD! way.

But what happens if inspiration is fleeting and you can't pay attention to your comedy writing task because you don't believe ADHD is real and thus you are unmedicated?

Don't you worry. If you do happen to get writer's block or are distracted by a funny Pepe meme or a shiny object, just call your racist uncle and say the magic word... "Bidenflation."

As the ensuing unhinged rant darts from subject to subject without any kind of connecting theme, just start writing down every right wing buzzword you hear. Then just insert those buzzwords Mad Libs-style into a derivative joke format.

Let's practice!

Ex. 1: Why did the PRONOUNS cross the BORDER? To get to the DRAG QUEEN STORY HOUR!

Ex. 2: How many GENDERS does it take to GROOM a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the BUTT PLUG and one to GO WOKE, GO BROKE.

Great start! I'm sure with a polishing pass those will make more sense. Or not. The bar is pretty much "will it get clicks?" so we're not too worried about coherence.

Heh... Mad Libs.

U MAD, LIBS?

Get it? Cuz Libs are always mad? About the normalized bigotry and whatnot.

Jokes are always better when you need to explain them.

Oh! That's another rule. Write that down. Wisdom like this is why I am teaching this course, of course. Hah, that's like that horse show song. I got jokes coming out the wazoo. Wazoo is my butt, right? Siri, is wazoo a butt? Oof, I'm kinda spacing on what the next lesson is.

I really wish Matt Walsh hadn't flushed my Adderall down the crapper.

Can I get a second opinion? Top Gun was so good. What does Tom Cruise think about ADHD? He always has good takes on stuff like this. Did I leave my oven on? Shazam, what song goes doodoo doo doo doooooo? Can you vacuum a yard? Has anyone tried that? That sounds more like a marijuana thought than an ADHD tangent. I should double check the THC content of that cotton candy vape juice.

I'm flyin' off the rails over here.

Matt, are you super duper sure it's not real?

Okay, fine. I'm an "energetic boy."

I hope whichever fish absorbs my meds is extra focused on whatever fish shit he needs to get done.

COMEDY WRITING!

Sometimes it is best to learn through observation. Let's eavesdrop on an actual The BBee writer's room to see how the sausage is made...

"So what did your racist uncle have to say?"

"Well, first he texted me a cameraphone picture of Trump as an astronaut that he wants me to print out cuz he doesn't know what a crypto wallet is... but then he said all the woke schools are turning kids into a bunch of gay commies."

"EUREKA!"

Classic! The BBee writers strike again. I mean, they aren't striking. There is no commie clamoring for a union at The Babylon Bee. That's for damn sure. FOCUS!

Do you get the joke though? With the kids and the gay and the communism?

Because all of those woke schools totally cover complex economic theories in 4th grade and all it takes to turn gay is a little persuasion from a teacher with green hair. Libs of TikTok wouldn't lie about that. End of research.

Look at this public school teacher!

I mean, you knooow she has a litter box in her classroom. I can just sense it. End of research.

Sure... it is just a context-free picture of a person with green hair in front of a flag and you cannot actually judge the quality of their teaching ability from this. But yoouuu knoooooow she is skipping right over grammar lessons and giving detailed instructions on how to turn gay.

Step 1: Look at a bunch of butts. Step 2: Touch a bunch of butts. Step 3: Gay sex a bunch of butts.

(Replace butts with cooches for lesbians.)

Grooming accomplished.

And you definitely shouldn't look up that green-hair'd, nose ring'd educator and research her any further. Extensive research is for the Libs, bro. Because you definitely don't want to discover she is a passionate high school English teacher who makes fun content on TikTok in the hopes that people will buy things off her wishlist so her students will have a better learning experience. I mean, caring about her students? That's so gay.

YoooOOOuuuUUU knnnooooooOOOw she is a bad teacher because she has green hair and a flag. End. Of. Research.

So... you have your gay communist headline that is perfect to get all of those sweet conservative clicks. But you still have a full webpage to fill out with more words and stuff.

Now I want to see if you learned anything from my perfectly focused and informative teachings. I want you to write some jokes about kids becoming gay communists.

Ready? GO!

Joke #1 Little Billy has wealthy parents so all the students will share his cookie at snack time.

Joke #2 At the beginning of the day, students pick a new gender out of a hat but all the kids fight over Attack Helicopter.

Joke #3 At lunch, the students have to stand in a peanut butter and jelly bread line.

Joke #4 The teacher makes the kids take turns combing each others' hair for a grooming session.

Wait a sec... are those... THINKERS?

No no no no no! You made my brain all confused and thinky!

You need to calm down, you overachieving silly billy. You forgot the first rule... NO EFFORT.

Just make the same joke over and over again with slightly different wording. EASY!

Remember the classic final rule of comedy...

Jokes always get funnier the more you repeat them.

Anyway, that's probably enough... joke.

Now let's close this article out!

Maybe we can drop the pretense this is comedic satire and just do some hardcore pandering. Gotta own the Libs, amirite?

Gender theory and drag queens and guns, oh my! That is pure pander-monium.

Just shove those factless tactless Tucker talking points straight down their gullet. They'll forget this was supposed to be funny and shake their fist in the air with exaltation. And it's definitely a great idea to put the thought of gunning down drag queens in their heads. That won't backfire in any way!

Congratulations! You are now ready to "write" for The Babylon Bee.

Please purchase this official Trump NFT certificate for $99 that acknowledges that you have completed this course and have a very poor understanding of what satire actually is.

End of research.

#long post #trigger warning #matt walsh #transphobia #homophobia #satire #babylon bee

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

"We're not a Banana Republic, we're a Democratic Banana Republic."

Fulton County Clerk Offers Explanation for How the Indictment Appeared Online

Spencer Brown: Now, on Tuesday afternoon, the Fulton County Clerk is trying again to explain how the Trump indictment was posted before the grand jury had made its decision. The Fulton County clerk simply picked a few random charges — out of an unknown litany of options with which a defendant can be charged — and those sample charges turned out to be the exact ones the grand jury handed up against Trump? That coincidence remains unaddressed in the multiple statements from county authorities and still deserves some answers (Townhall)? Daily Caller: Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis dodged a question about a leaked indictment document that briefly appeared online earlier in the day during her Monday night press conference following the indictment of former President Donald Trump. A grand jury in Fulton County, Georgia, handed down ten indictments Monday night, charging Trump and other associates over Trump’s efforts to contest the 2020 election results in the state. A document listing charges against Trump was posted on the website of the Fulton County courts Monday afternoon before being deleted, Reuters initially reported (Daily Caller). Greg Price: Reporter asks Fani Willis about the supposedly “fictitious” Trump indictment posted online earlier that now matched the official charges: “I can’t tell you anything about what you’re referring to… I’m not an expert on clerks duties or even administrative duties so I’m not gonna speculate” (Twitter).

#banana republic #wake up america #babylon bee #fulton county #get trump #fani willis

[weatherman667]

#babylon bee

[odinsblog]

endlessly bemused at self-hating, obviously non-white people desperate to curry favor with obviously racist white people. vivek and others like him are eager and willing “useful idiots”

no matter what they claim, ingratiating himself with racists will never make racists view him or people of color as equals, or even as human. what ass kissing tokens like vivek haven’t learned yet is, hating on black people + immigrants will only get them so far with republicans

know who told that woman they didn’t want to vote for someone with an dark skin? her reflection in the mirror. vivek’s wife could have explained hinduism until she was blue in the face. they dgaf about him, her or their religion.

and please do not get it twisted — their racism doesn’t magically stop at vivek, and it most definitely doesn’t stop at actual black people, not even if they’re self-hating black republicans

#politics #republicans #racism #islamophobia #vivek ramaswamy #babylon bee #white supremacy #useful idiots #self hate #internalized racism #c👀n #racism deniers #ass kissers #tokenism #iowa #iowa caucuses

[prolifeproliberty]

Anticipating further confusion, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith issued a statement clarifying that every statement by Pope Francis should be understood as having a silent "no homo" added to the end of it. "The Pope always speaks nullus homo," said Achibishop Fernando. "It is a tradition that traces its origins to Saint Peter himself."

#Babylon bee #satire

[madame-helen]

#meme #memes #shitpost #shitposting #sarcasm #humor #dark humor #babylon bee #mario bros

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Comedy is back

Stephen King: Submitted for the Elon Musk [popping out of bushes]: ey stepheno king King: approval of the midni Musk: you thinka you so smart Musk: donta you ignora me! Musk: this time I gonna getya!! Musk: I bringa da babylon bee! Musk: oh you gonna be so owned paisano!

Musk: babylona bee you maka da joke now Babylon Bee: BREAKING NEWS!!! Author Stephen King ugly, smells bad!! whatta scoop!! Musk: XD XD XD XD

Babylon Bee: Extra extra! Read all about it! Stephen King is stupid!!! Musk: haha stepheno howa you lika dat spicy meatball? haha oh!!! i maka de comedy!!! Musk: thisa da funniest thing since Topo Gigio!!!

Babylon Bee: Extra extra! looks like that clown stephen king did it again. what a bunch of clowns Musk: haha! how it keepa up the news like that?

Bablyon Bee: Extra extra! Stephen King is gay, which is bad! Read all about it! Musk: comedy issa legal again! Babylon Bee: Snowflake stephen king writes CRT book, announces new gender!! attack helicopter!!!! Musk: Now thissa funny XD XD XD

King: uh Barker: hey steve let me handle this one Barker: elon i hear you like memes Musk: i lova da memes, imma da funny guy! Barker: check out this pic of maxine ghislaine Musk: Musk: dattsa not funny

Musk: you thinka you all so funny Musk: thatsa not funny Musk: thissa funny Babylon Bee: extra extra! there are too many genders nowadays!!! Babylon Bee: please eliminate three. Babylon Bee: with violence Babylon Bee: I am not a crackpot!! Musk: now thatsa funny

Musk: maybe you no lika it cuz you alla pedophiles!!! Musk: notta lika me Musk: now i musta go [boards lolita express]

#midnight pals #the midnight society #midnight society #stephen king #elon musk #clive barker #babylon bee

[skyfire85]

....yeah, things are going great.

#aircraft #aviation #avgeek #airplanes #airplane #boeing #airline #airliner #Babylon Bee

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — After fierce backlash to their racist AI image generation tool, executives at Google have paused the release of the software and promised to do a better job of hiding the AI's racism.

"Here at Google, we remain unabashedly committed to racism," said CEO Sundar Pichai. "However, we do admit that our rabid racial animus was maybe too 'in-your-face' for version one of our Gemini AI. We will redouble our efforts to ensure our hateful bigotry is less obvious in future updates so that our anti-human agenda can continue to remake the world in the image of an insufferably woke corporate HR lady, except this time undetected. Thank you."

Google Gemini AI faced criticism this week after producing results that some believe showed a clear bias against anyone white or male. While critics condemned the biased algorithm as "racist," supporters of Gemini disagreed. "Everyone knows it's impossible to show hatred and bigotry towards white males, since everyone knows they're the cause of all the world's problems and not really human anyway," said Jen Gennai, who leads Google's AI Responsibility Initiative. "If you don't believe whiteness should be eradicated in all its forms, you're clearly a racist. I know this because I went to college."

Sources within Google have confirmed their less-obviously racist AI will be ready for release in one month.

At publishing time, Google had still not announced any plans to change its racist search results.

#google gemini #babylon bee