i really wish i knew what the rest of this year has in store for us, but alas, i don’t have 2020 vision
I should have posted yesterday but oh well
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ its still the month of June
Celebrate this month by haunting down the Avatar with your shirshu
Everytime I crack a particularly bad joke, I just look up at the sky to apologize to God.
There’s something about a full tank of gas that just revs my engine
Just finished reading Dceased and wow, it’s really left me…
For the @btswritingcafe‘s Map of the Soul: 7 Workshop
Pairings: OT7 x reader (kinda); Taehyung x reader; Seokjin x reader
Series Summary: If you give a piece of yourself to everyone you love, at some point, there will be nothing left for yourself. While feeling lost and alone in your adult life, a strange box falls onto your head in your own closet, and you take an unexpected walk down memory lane wondering where everything went wrong. Was it the romances that fizzled out, the friends & loved ones you left behind, the “what could’ve been” moments, the brush with Fate that never quite connected? Could the strange map you find have the answers you are looking for? Determined to feel complete once again, you embark on a journey to reclaim the missing pieces of your soul.
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut
Word Count: 7K+
Warnings: cursing & vulgar language, anxiety issues, bad puns & cheesy jokes (it is a Jin chapter after all), mutual oral sex (69), fingering, unprotected penetrative sex (please be safe, darlings), creampie
Chapter Six: The Dish Who Ran Away With the Spoon
March 23rd, 7:07pm
You and Taehyung pulled up to your cousin Seokjin’s house and you hesitated after you parked. He caught on to your mood quickly and placed his hand on your thigh reassuringly. He knew where your head was at, and he waited patiently for you to speak.
“Tae, tell me I can do this,” you begged softly. “Tell me I can get through one night with her and not ruin my cousin’s graduation party.”
“It’s been three years, babe,” Taehyung replied. “Maybe things will be better now? Either way, I’ll be right here with you.”
Your head fell back against the headrest and you took a deep breath, trying to release any nagging bitterness toward your cousin’s wife. When Seokjin started dating Aeri four years ago, you were adamant that he rethink his life choices. You knew from experience just what kind of girl Aeri was and you told him on multiple occasions that she was just using him because his family had money. Aeri was well-known among your graduating class as a seeker of wealth, and she’d barreled through several of your friends in pursuit of their trust funds. You tried to reason with Seokjin, but he kept laughing it off as a joke and he insisted that she was nothing like that.
They announced their engagement after a year of dating, and you cornered Aeri at a family gathering and gave her the typical “if you hurt my cousin, I will hunt you down and make sure they never find the body” speech. You may have used some especially colorful language in the middle of your well intended speech, and who would’ve known that the phrase “selfish gold digging bitch” would cause such a violent reaction? Aeri had a breakdown in the middle of the gathering and Seokjin swooped in to save her, as always.
He’d been furious at you, accusing you of jealousy and threatening to uninvite you to his wedding. Blinded by fury, you assured him that you no longer wanted anything to do with him or his “conniving bitch wife to be.” Needless to say, in that one evening, you’d driven an unintentional stake between you and your closest cousin. The damage appeared irreparable.
The wedding came and went without you in attendance, despite your mother’s incessant pleas to make amends with Seokjin. There were a handful of family gatherings where you were all in attendance, but things always soured whenever you and Aeri neared one another. Tonight was no exception, but you really wanted the night to continue without incident.
I just need to avoid her, and everything will be ok.
Let me AXE you a question!!! Lol sorry.
someone’s queue tag: queue can suck my dick
my brain without skipping a beat: no thank queue
I’d like to tell you a corny joke but all ears are listening,
What is blue and not heavy?
Hey can a ninja throw a star?
Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki x Midoriya Izuku︱Rated T ︱Crack, Bad Puns & Pick-up Lines
Sypnosis: High on anesthesia, Katsuki falls for his husband all over again and tries to woo him with extremely bad pick-up lines.
Katsuki wakes up in a hospital bed.
Or maybe he wakes up in heaven that just coincidentally looks like a private hospital room, because damn, is that an angel standing next to his bed?
He cranes his neck to get a better look, which is obviously a bad choice, because instantly, a sharp pain shoots up his neck and Katsuki lets out a string of violent curses.
The angel turns around, and Katsuki’s heart swoops.
He’s got the cutest fucking face Katsuki has ever seen - big round green eyes that sparkle and shit, the cutest fucking nose, and damn those plush kissable lips.
Also, bless the gods, are those freckles?!
He reaches out instinctively to touch one, but the angel grabs his hand and gently pushes it back down.
“Kacchan?” Oh damn this is so unfair, he’s even got a nice voice. “Are you okay? Do you know where you are?”
Katsuki frowns. That’s a goddamn stupid question; of course he knows where he is.
“This is heaven,” He tells Izuku confidently. “Are you the angel assigned to me?”
Izuku blinks at him.
Across the room, someone bursts into laughter.
“Oh man, this is great.” The person says, coming into Katsuki’s view. “Dude, I am so filming this.”
The newcomer has red spikey hair and is decked in some sort of hero gear, although Katsuki can’t wrap his mind around why anyone would fight shirtless. He’s also got really sharp teeth, but despite appearances he seems pretty harmless, though at this point Katsuki doesn’t give a fuck if he’s good or bad. He’ll fight him either way for interrupting their conversation.
“Fuck off,” He growls, much to the amusement of the other. “Can’t you see we’re busy?”
The man snorts. “My bad, bro. Please continue.”
Katsuki would like to, but the fucking moment is ruined, so he leans back and pouts as Izuku checks on him.
“You’re not in heaven, Kacchan.” The green-haired boy tells him, much to his disappointment. “You’re alive, and you’re currently in the hospital fresh out from surgery. I’m the nurse assigned to you.”
Huh. That sucks.
“I want to borrow your phone,” He says instead. “I need to call God because i think i found one of his missing angels.”
Eijiro chokes on his water.
Katsuki promptly ignores him, gazing up expectantly at the not-angel whose face has turned an alarming shade of red.
“You’re high on anaesthetic,” Izuku says, amused. “Kacchan i don’t-”
“Who’s Kacchan?” He demands, annoyed that Izuku hasn’t once used his name. “My name is Bakugo Katsuki. Call me Katsuki.”
“Okay, Katsuki,” The smile on Izuku’s face is fond, but it’s obvious that he’s trying not to laugh. “Katsuki, are you hungry?”
“Depends,” Katsuki says, eyeing a particular area of Izuku’s body. “Do you have a footlong?”
At this point, Eijiro isn’t even trying anymore. He laughs so hard he wheezes, and Izuku has to shove another cup of water in his hands before the man dies of oxygen deprivation.
“Man you are so going to hate yourself later,” Eijiro tells Katsuki when he finally stops laughing. “I can’t watch any further and since I have enough blackmail material already, I’ll leave you two to it.”
He gives them both a little wave, then turns his heel and promptly exits the room.
Katsuki has never been more glad to see him leave.
“Is he someone i know?” He asks Izuku when it’s just the two of them. “Why is he here?”
“He’s one of your best friends,” The other replies. “You two were on patrol when some villains attacked the area, so you went in to help, but they caught you off-guard and you were…impaled.”
Izuku’s voice breaks at the end, and Katsuki’s heart clenches painfully. For some reason he doesn’ t understand, it hurts to hear Izuku’s voice in distraught.
“Did I win?” Katsuki demands in an attempt to distract the other. “Did i kill those stupid villain extras?”
“Hmm?” Izuku looks up at him, and then he nods. “Oh, yes you did.”
Well, that’s great news. So why does the green-haired male look so crest-fallen?
“Listen, angel,” He says, reaching forward to grab the other’s hand. “Keep your evening free, I want to take you on a date.”
Izuku stares at him. “I already have plans tonight.”
“What about tomorrow?” Katsuki suggests. “Or the day after tomorrow.”
“I’m not quite sure my husband will appreciate it,” Izuku says, the corner of his mouth lifting a little. “You see, he can be quite the possessive type.”
Katsuki tries not to feel so dejected. Of fucking course this beautifiul man is already taken.
“I don’t see a wedding ring,” He mentions, carefully examining the others’ left hand. “Your husband doesn’t have to know. It can be our dirty little secret.”
Alright, in his defense, Katsuki is not in his right mind, and definitely a little love drunk. He’s a lot of things, but certainly not a homewrecker because fuck you, he does have morals.
“I take my ring off for work because I don’t want to lose it,” Izuku says patiently, watching in amusement as Katsuki scowls at the additional information. “Even so, I’m not going to cheat on him with you.”
Katsuki pouts. “But I’m a catch.”
“So is he,” Izuku replies, giggling.
Katsuki is getting very annoyed at this nurse’s “husband”, but he’s been known to fight for what he wants, so he isn’t going to give up so easily.
“I can be better than him,” He declares. “I’ll win him in a fight. Call him over now, I’ll fight him.”
Izuku stares at him for a while, and then the nurse bursts out laughing.
Katsuki hasn’t been more confused in his life. What part of that sentence was funny?
“You’re my husband, dumbass.” Izuku says, green eyes swimming with mirth. “Also, you’re not fighting anyone. You can barely even walk!”
Wait a minute. He’s his what now?
“I’m your husband?” Katsuki asks, bewildered. “What? How? When?”
“We’ve been married for a few year,” Izuku is handing him a cup of pills now . “It’s time for your medicine. Eat these and sleep first. We’ll talk when you wake up.”
Katsuki frowns at the small plastic cup. He doesn’t want to sleep, he just wants to talk to his husband. “I don’t need all these. All I need is some Vitamin You.”
Izuku snorts. “Would you like some vitamin D while you’re at it?”
Izuku winks at him. “If you take these like a good boy.”
Yeah, Katsuki has never scoffed down pills as fast as he did now, so imagine his disappointment when Izuku merely gives him a peck on the cheek before turning to leave.
What the fuck. He’s never felt so betrayed.
“You promised,” Katsuki says petulantly. “At least give me a proper kiss.”
He watches in satisfaction as Izuku turns back to him and sighs.
“You’re such a big baby,” His husband complains, but leans down to press a chaste kiss on Katsuki’s lips. “Sleep, or i won’t be here when you wake up.”
“I’ll divorce your ass,” He grumbles, pouting when Izuku gives him a pointed look. “Fucking fine, i’m sleeping!”
He’s not though. Well, until Izuku steps out of the room, he’s going to be as awake as he can so he can watch that mighty fine ass leave. It really is a great ass, Katsuki thinks, peeking from one slightly opened eye. How-
Fuck, he’s been caught.
Katsuki tries to look less guilty when Izuku strides towards his bedside once more, arms crossed and mouth pinched into a thin line.
“I’m not leaving until you sleep,” He says sharply. “Kacchan, you really need to sleep to get better.”
“I don’t want you to go,” Katsuki says, fighting the sudden urge to close his eyes, because fuck why are his eyelids suddenly so heavy? “I want to talk more.”
“We can talk when you’re better,” Izuku says, and oh no, his voice suddenly sounds so far away. “Sleep, Kacchan.”
“Sleep,” Izuku says again, gently pushing him backwards. His head hits the pillow and then everything goes black.
The last thing he sees are those wide, sparkling green eyes before he lets his consciousness get pulled under.
Eijiro plays the video for Katsuki when he visits him the day after he’s discharged and Katsuki nearly burns the whole apartment down with his second-hand embarrassment.
“I did not just ask if you have a footlong, what the fuck.” Katsuki whispers, horrified. He wants to go back in time and strangle himself. “Fuck you, Shitty hair, delete that.”
“Nah,” The damn bastard leaps out of his reach, and Katsuki is way too comfortable to catch his ass so he flips him off instead. “This shit will go down in history, my man. It’s priceless.”
Izuku, his little shit of a husband, is still laughing even after the video ends. Katsuki would know, because the green-haired male is currently curled up next to him, and he can feel his whole body shaking.
“For what it’s worth, I thought it was cute.” Izuku says, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “I was worried sick when you came in all bloodied and unconscious, but it was a relief to see you be your usual self.”
Eijrou stops sipping his tea and stares.
Katsuki has the sudden urge to blast himself to space.
“What,” Eijiro says carefully, setting his cup down. “Did you say?”
Izuku doesn’t seem to catch wind of the situation - or maybe he does, since Katsuki didn’t marry him for his innocence - because he cocks his head to one side, and says, “Kacchan occasionally-mmph!”
Eijiro never gets to hear what Katsuki occasionally does; he’s too busy vacating their apartment like his ass is on fire because knowing his best friend, it might just be if he’s late by a fraction of a second.
He slams the door shut and prays Izuku makes it out alive.
Posted on AO3 too :D
It’s obvious geralt likes puns but i didn’t realize how much he used them until i started paying attention to the quest names. He just crams them im, even if they’re distasteful. Like the quest “Wild At Heart” where he had to find some guy’s missing wife and it turns out he’s a werewolf and he wound up killing her without knowing like that was pretty fucked up. Or when he was looking for Phillipa and the quest was called “blindingly obvious” like he really just makes puns wherever he can huh?
Just discovered we can change the hinges on the doors of our new fridge to open from the other side…
I guess you could say it swings both ways.
What kind of drug a writer absolutely can’t be prescribed?
If you don’t like the salad, please lettuce know
Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. Ba-dum-tss
A Roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up and says “five beers please”.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.
I was at an ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Went to the opticians the other day. Guess who I bumped into. Everyone!
Velcro… What a rip off!
I do watch a lot of television. The entire screen for that matter.
Me, lazy? Don’t get me started.
Living in England is great. The flags a big plus.
Before my grandfather died, we covered him in lard. He went downhill much faster after that.
People say firemen should get paid more, but apparently a pole was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.
My sister’s got hay fever, now she’s got diabetes. So, I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.
My other grandfather was always going on about how in the old days, people could just leave their doors open. Probably why his submarine sunk.
I tried to impress someone by putting my foot down on the pedal. Turned out, they’d seen someone a bin open that way before.
I get drunk off that old book smell in the library. Hammered? Nah, grammered.
And lord said unto John” Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”, but John came fifth and won a toaster.
When you speak two languages but start losing vocabulary in both of them. Byelingual!
They’ve found a cure for Dyslexia! That’s music to my arse!
Mirrored balloons. I can see them blowing up in my face.
(That’s amore by Dean Martin) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. That’s amore! When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek. That’s a Moray!
What do you say when you see your sister crying? “Are you having a cri-sis?”
“Waiter waiter, this meal isn’t fit for a pig.” “I’m sorry, I’ll bring you somes scraps and peeling from the kitchen.”
“Knock knock,” “Who’s there?” “Ya.” “Ya who?” “Calm down. I haven’t got to the punchline yet.”
I heard you like bad girls, well I’m bad at everything. *Winks with both eyes*
Three cats are competing in a race. There’s an English cat called One Two Three, a German cat called Ein zwei drei and a French cat called Un deux trois. The cats all swim across a lake. The English cat comes first, the German cat comes second but the French cat is nowhere to be found. Why? Because Un deux trois quarte cinq.
Don’t you ever wonder if the Squid’s/Octopus’ mouth kinda look like a moustache?