What do you call a bird who never loses?
What do you call a documentary on cows?
Me: How dare you cook Stewart. We loved him, father.
My dad: oh my god, just eat the stew
In honor of Sir Terry Pratchett. Did I write this fic just to make puns about Death? Yes, yes I did and I won’t apologize. AKA Klaus meets Death from Discworld and no one believes Klaus when he says Death is just an anthropomorphic being with a weakness for puns and cats.
When he’d told Ben about the mausoleum and the nightmares all those years ago Ben told him it sounded like he’d seen the grim reaper. They’d spent the next two weeks digging through the library to find everything they could about the skeleton. It wasn’t much: a bunch of artwork, vague biblical references to Death and a bunch of folklore. All they really learned was that according to every source you don’t want to meet them.
Klaus may have been terrified down to his core but that never stopped his mouth from moving, “Aren’t you going to take care of that? One dies every minute or something. Chop chop no time to waste.”
He was half-joking, half talking to himself and one hundred percent sure this was one of the worst ideas he’s ever had.
Death’s unnaturally blue eye sockets fall on him. Klaus squirms nervously under the gaze as the skeleton’s gaze drifts back towards the ghost of the old woman smiling fondly as she floats next to the little girl.
TIME YOU’LL FIND IS RELATIVE. BESIDES THEY’RE ABOUT TO CUT THE CAKE; IT’S CHOCOLATE.
Continue reading on AO3
I feel you Carson, I feel you
Tired: The Phantom of the Opera
Wired: The Gaston Leroux-sical
The stabbing jokes in this fandom never grow old. I’d take a stab at it myself if it hadn’t been done a hundred times already.
Don’t get me wrong, I like chocolate labs, but the first time I saw one was a disappointment.
I made a tiktok
People in our grade: We’re doing a scavenger hunt, what’s something that belongs in the trash?
People in our grade: Sorry, we can’t take living things
Abbey: Good thing I’m dead inside
Steve, bursting in through the closed door to the Avengers hangout: Did you know that zoos give cheetahs emotional support dogs???
Clint, who couldn’t resist a pun to save his life: Maybe I should go and play some poker with a zookeeper.
Broke: bachelor of archaeology
I was trying to read the news, and Billie eyelash discourse? could not understand a wink of it, you see what filters???