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#basically i just want to acknowledge that b is mentally ill but also seeking help
causeimanartist · 4 years
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@langstymclangstface @lelektoro Thank you! I image Ace to be a Psychiatric Service Dog. She is trained to keep Bruce grounded during flare ups of PTSD and depression
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hvnriks-archive · 3 years
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🍎, 🍒, 🍐, 🍇, 🍊 — all/you pick
it’s a long boi so under the cut
🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?  
can we get an f in the chat for wendy ? your girl is struggling. i would bet a solid chunk of cash that she suffers obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and for sure has anxiety problems. without even realizing it she’s running herself thin and she’s probably going to hit a breaking point soon if i’m being honest. she’s unhealthily concerned about how she’s perceived. but mental health is never something she’s really thought about, at least in respect to herself, and would no doubt just be another flaw for her to pick at ( regardless of the fact it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly not something she would ever shame anybody else for ) that’s a big yes on therapy, girl get some help
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narcissistic personality disorder ? i jest, i jest. vidia does have traits of it, though, that i think would probably be good to address in therapy — lack of empathy for others, an excessive need to have her own importance acknowledged. just not enough to say she actually suffers from it. her main enemy is actually her own desire for self improvement; she wants to be the best and nothing is going to stand in her way, so of course what would be the fallout from not being the best ? i think vidia needs help learning that sometimes it’s okay to just ... chill, and that everyone has intrinsic value regardless of what they are perceived to achieve. someone to sooth her deep hidden insecurities and just be like yes, you are enough, simply through existing. but like, you really think vidia is voluntarily going to therapy ?
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🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  
erik is very much one of those i want to be surrounded by people at all times folk. you would think it would be the opposite, given he spent so much of his life literally trapped on a tiny vessel at sea away from people, but that’s actually exactly what contributes to it. it’s not like he could escape his parents, so he’s kind of just gotten used to people in close quarters with him 24/7. and he’s just a friendly guy at the end of the day — he likes making friends, he likes spending time with them, he’s the life of the party. around campus he’s probably that guy that even if you don’t know him well, you do know of him
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🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart?  
i would call belle ... definitely smarter than the average person, probably one of the most intelligent people at the school, even. not only is she just naturally clever, but she has an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge and love of learning that drives her to further and further heights. her early learning was primarily self taught, as she took a lot of what she learned in school and then spent her free time researching it, but now she’s a top achieving scholarship student at sherwood on a full ride so her learning is primarily rooted in her classes. obviously very book smart, but her street smarts aren’t too shabby either — it’s not like she grew up with a wealth of money or resources. when you’re poor you get creative
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🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood?  
henrik spent a lot of his childhood basically chasing the expectations of his father, not that he ever met them. he has the misfortune to be born kind of a scrawny clumsy kid, with more of an interest in fiddling with new inventions than anything deemed “ practical ” and that resulted in him getting a reputation around town as kind of the disappointment child. ( not hard when your town consists of like a dozen families max ) he knows his father loves him, but that look of kind of begrudging disappointment in his dad’s eyes every time something new went wrong is seared into henriks brain. he carries it with him into adulthood, a lack of confidence and shy awkwardness born of never being taken seriously ( but also a ruthless and sometimes self sabotaging need to prove himself )
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🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes?  
belle is a secret hopeless romantic and a slave to romance novels, and she would never ever ever dare admit that out loud. her actual love life is virtually non existent, but a girl can dream. she would never seek anything out but i think she’s lowkey hoping it’ll happen naturally  — yknow, her mr. darcy is just going to stumble out of the woods one day and find every way that she’s sarcastic and uncaring somehow attractive. because that’s totally reasonable 
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henrik is also a hopeless romantic because of course he is  — he’s just craving validation in general, lets be real. but the idea that someone could love him unconditionally just for being him ? mind blowing. sounds great. he’s kind of held a torch for his childhood crush astrid basically forever, but as he gets older that’s starting to fade and i think he’s realizing that maybe he was never actually into her like that ? like, he was more pining after the idea of her than an actual person, getting hero worship all tangled up in romantic feelings. his actual romantic prospects are slim to none because the fucker is awkward as hell and can barely even stumble his way through small talk, let alone actually believe someone would be into him, but the hope is alive okay
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askluxnovalibra · 6 years
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Part 1 Hey can you please help me, I'm a libra sun sag moon scorpio venus and mercury (and dominant) and nobody has really seen me cry or sensitive and I feel like nobody rly knows me except for my brother, cousin, and two closest friends... but they kinda suck at opening up too, and my brother has enough psychological problems. I always get perfectly along with scorpios and capricorns and yin moons bc i understand how underrated and misinterpreted their suffer and pain are
Part 2 And there are these two friends: sag suns with scorpio/pisces moon… and they are so omg im sorry but its so freaking painful. They both have their problems but they both are so fckin shallow seriously. The pisces moon just doesnt understand what life is and is brutally ingenuous. And scorpio moon is such a b**** rly. She has a tough backstory her brother has always been a jerk (he’s mentally ill) And i though she would be great bc she always says she understands pain and etc.Part 3 And here comes the deal: I have been exposed to mentally ill ppl, ocd hysterical and completely evil people who happened to be my beloved family. At 14 I stopped having them and found out they were everything I didn’t expect them to be. I lost my whole childhood (wich happened to be my basic reason to live). At 15 I went to a sports school. They were our friends, we trusted them. One year goes by and once again I am betrayed by my friends and fall on the ground.Part 4 Then, comes the BEST part. As ive said im a scorpio venus. I fell in love at first sight with a boy that totally corresponded. Small detail: he had a gf. He now broke up with her so thats kinda nice (not to sound mean, rly) for me but whatever; I was 15 and I had been betrayed by everyone. At 16 I was dead inside. I didn’t get attached i didnt live i didnt like to be even awake i cries everyday before school and after school and before going to bed.Part 5 I even got to a point of cutting my arms bc i enjoyed knowing the pain i was going through was actually real and not “sumthin you have to go through, its life.” I met the scorpio moon. At first she seemed awesome. Until getting upset at the smallest thing. Im a scorpio dominant and i know i dont need to be like that. I know she just does this because shes immature and has no clue of life. Im sorry im doing this long ask but rly i need help. No one literally no one knows this.Part 6 No one knows i cry no one knows i ever even cut my arms. And no one even notices. Thank god tbh. No one knows and imagines what it is to cry and scream and DIE for a dude you don’t even know. I know it sounds exaggerated but its the truths. I cant fall in love with anybody else since im 15 and im 17 (turning 18 this year) I live in a house ik im moving out of but i dont know when. I live with my mom in my grandmothers and she is also mentally ill. My mom too is always mentally unstablePart 7 She’s been through everything no one should go through. My dad is f****d up with this house and always hides very well we actually don’t have lots of money. My brother is an amazing soul an exceptional person who fell in love almost 5 years ago and still has anxiety bc of what happened (he didn’t know her too) and has too many psychological problems. I’m stuck with myself and no one seems to understand. I’m so sorry for this post. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just I’m done. I’m tired of pplPart 8 Im tired of ppl making me cry Of ppl being shallow Ppl hurting me and seeing me as A B*TCH I just need someone that actually knows. That actually can tell me they understand me and they too hate it all like me. Im so sorry and thank you for having the patience to read this. ❤️💖———————————————————–
It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time in your life. I know it can seem endless, and it can seem like everyone is out to get you. Once you feel betrayed, it can be hard to trust people again. It is all too easy to be stuck in our own extreme emotions. After losing faith in someone, it’s tempting to write off everyone in your life as fake, shallow, and naive. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind will only do you harm. It’ll only make you more angry and more likely to adopt the “me against the world” type of attitude. You’re 17. You’re still young. You still have a long life ahead of you, and it would be remiss of you to go through life with that sort of attitude. You’ve been wronged, and it is alright to acknowledge that, but you must now think about the situation with your heart, perhaps not so much with your heart. The heart can be easily mislead, easily angered, easily fooled, easily spiteful, easily misguided. Consider moving into a stage of forgiveness. Forgiveness in this sense is not saying that those people’s actions were ok, forgiveness is more for your own sake. Start to detach yourself from the pain those actions caused you. Continuing to obsess over the transgressions of others will hinders your own progress. If the wound is to ever heal, you must stop picking at the scab. Let yourself move on. One way you can do that is to write everything down (as you have bravely shared with me, a stranger) on a piece of paper. Write out every hurt, every frustration, everything that keeps you up at night. Then tear it up, burn it, or throw it away. It clears the energy. It’s no longer a problem, it’s out of your head, and you are free to move on. Detach yourself from people you can’t trust. If they’re actively causing drama or unpleasantness, leave the situation. If you can, slowly stop reaching out to them, or say you don’t feel like hanging out. If you want closure, you could meet up with the, to talk. It’s harder when they’re your family members because you can’t really escape them, but you can still with them and talk out your problems. You can say “I’m having a hard time understanding why you did this …” or “I’m confused about this situation…” or “I felt hurt when this happened…”. You must also realize that most people aren’t complete bad. In a lot of what you described, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps some of those people aren’t actively out to get you. I think you may be too close to the situation. I would advise you to get an outside perspective. You reached out to me, and that is a great start, but I only have a limited understanding of the situation, and only from your perspective. I think the best course of action is to seek real, professional help. As someone who harms themself and who is surrounded by the effects of mental illness, I would seriously consider seeking out a therapist or counselor. I am not a professional. I do not know you personally, and so the advice I can offer is very limited. Seeking someone who has gone to school for psychology will be able to help you much more than I can. It is brave of you to share this, and it’s a good sign that you’re willing to reach out to others. Consider asking for professional’s help in your area. Likely your school has access to counselors and can refer you to a full-time therapist.
I really do wish you the best 🌸
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Finstas make online dating so much more complicated
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In our Love App-tually series, Mashable shines a light into the foggy world of online dating. It is cuffing season after all.
I will never again let someone I'm dating follow my finsta. 
That's a sentiment that countless finsta users have when establishing emotional boundaries. In relationships built on intertwined online and in-person interactions, it's often a point of contention.  
If you haven't been initiated into the bizarre world of niche memes and astrology tag posts, a finsta is a secondary, private Instagram account used to keep snarky screenshots, rant about your personal life, and post (mostly) risqué selfies that would leave the family members who follow your main account absolutely appalled. Finsta followers are usually a highly curated selection of close friends who wouldn't judge you for your bizarre one-night stands, validate you when you're feeling yourself, and support you when your mental health dips. 
If a single group text represented only one circle of friends, then a finsta would be the overlapping portion of a Venn diagram. Friend groups don't always overlap, but on your finsta, you can access all of their unrelenting support on one platform. 
Finsta really does teach you a lot. You find out who cheating, who hoeing, who got played and who depressed etc. Need help making a life decision? Ask your finsta, need help on an outfit?? FINSTA
— Tashie🌻 (@_NatashaMarie_) January 31, 2019
But when it comes to romance, deciding whose follow requests to approve can get hairy. 
I personally have had a finsta for longer than any relationship I've been in and allowing a partner to follow it ended in disaster. In my case, I forgot to block the now ex from my finsta after we broke up. I posted a screenshot from a funny Tinder conversation with someone else weeks later. I woke up to a seething late night call from the ex, who was furious that I was on a dating app and even more enraged that I posted about it on the not quite public, but not quite private platform. 
SEE ALSO: Which dating app is right for you? Use this guide to figure it out.
The whole debacle made me wonder if anyone should ever let their significant other follow their finstas. When I put out a call for thoughts on it, people were passionate about maintaining boundaries between the person they're dating and the content they post in private.
Caroline Long, a college student in Boston, said she rejected her boyfriend's follow request about a month into their relationship. 
"If there's life news or drama I'm posting about, he's usually the first to hear about it anyway," she said. "And I've had my finsta for a while so there's some old, old posts about former boyfriends and issues that I'm sure wouldn't be fun for him to peruse." 
my finsta b like -here’s a picture of my ass -let me expose my mental illness -now ima broadcast my depression episode -look @ my titties -this meme was funny
— 𝓒rybaby 𝓛ynn ✧ (@xbasedxgoddess) February 6, 2019
Online dating expert Julie Spira says couples with finstas don't necessarily need to share the accounts with each other for a healthy relationship. As long as you're not going out of your way to hide anything, Spira believes having a private space to vent is fine.
"When you're in a relationship, there are always things that you share with your close friends that you just might not share with your partner," she said during a phone call. 
Finstas are appealing because they allow for vulnerability when there's an insurmountable pressure to be perfect on social media. Sydney Smalls calls her finsta a "little safe space," which is why she's hesitant to approve her boyfriend's follow request.
"It's where I'm the most honest version of myself online so I only trust a few people with what I write about," the New York-based production assistant explained. "Even though I trust my boyfriend it would just be an added level of pressure for some reason."
Many share her view; although they feel supported by their partners, the finsta users who shared their stories with me said that they would censor their posts if their partners followed them. 
When I was convinced someone was ghosting me, for example, I turned to my finsta to talk through it. An army of close friends analyzed screenshots down to the timestamp and deliberated in the comments, concluding that although ghosting was a possibility, I should suck up my pride and double text. In the end, I had nothing to worry about — the support network I had through my finsta convinced me not to sabotage a new relationship, and all I had to do was literally communicate. But if I had let that person follow me, would I have asked for advice in the first place, or would I still be wallowing in my own anxiety? 
Overheard in bar last night: Girl 1: I let him see my finsta so we're basically never gonna date Girl 2: oh ya that’s the kiss of death
— PAZ (@pazpaz) February 24, 2018
Finstas are like a semi-public diary for soliciting advice and rationalization and inviting someone you're actively dating into it might make you less inclined to seek out that advice. The private accounts are a valuable space to talk out issues beforehand so you can approach your partner with a reasonable level-headedness. 
"Having a space for myself ensures that I'm being honest about what's upsetting me," Long said, elaborating on why she doesn't let her boyfriend follow her. "And how I'm getting from Point A to Point B. Not that I'm dishonest with my boyfriend, but I don't feel as obliged to cater or censor finsta posts for a certain audience."
For Danika Frank, a writer in Los Angeles, using a finsta to separate herself from the people she dates keeps her codependence in check.
"So it was good to have a space, a place where I could dissect my own thoughts away from them," she said. "Even if I was stressed about something relationship-wise, I could break it down on there before bringing it up to them."
Philadelphia college student Mal Sary, who went through a break up while she and her ex were still living together, said having a non-physical space to get away helped her through it until she could find somewhere else to live. 
"Instead of yelling at my ex, I just used my finsta to channel a lot of my anger," Sary said.
In addition to having a defined place to put their thoughts in order, the people who don't let their significant other follow their finsta felt like they didn't have to because their relationships were already healthy enough. Although Smalls' boyfriend doesn't follow her private account, she doesn't turn to her finsta to complain about him when they have issues in their relationship. 
"When I'd have problems with my ex, I'd just post about it and hide it from him and let it build," she said. "This time, I just talk directly to [my boyfriend]. It kinda feels disrespectful now. I don't want to talk about him behind his back [because] I know he wouldn't do that to me."
Jeung Bok Holmquist, an artist in Madison, Wisconsin, adds that their partner doesn't follow their finsta, but that doesn't give them a pass to complain about him. 
"I guess I only wouldn't [allow a finsta follow] if I was actively talking about my partner on there, but I also shouldn't be talking shit about my partner in private," they said. "So then that's just a clear sign of a bad relationship!"
𝓷𝓮𝔀 rules of dating: 1st base: liking and unliking someone’s post 2nd base: “nah u don’t have to venmo me” 3rd: get called an asshole on their finsta homerun: a retweet
— vinay (@mumblecomic) January 10, 2019
That doesn't mean that not allowing a romantic interest to follow you ensures smooth sailing. Nothing you post on social media is truly private. Anything can be screenshot, passed through the screen grapevine, and end up hurting everyone involved. But do people have an obligation to break the trust of following a friend's finsta to protect another friend's feelings?
Evy Oliverio, who works at the United Nations in Beirut, was seeing someone who encouraged her to follow his finsta, until she DM'd him and realized she was blocked. Their mutual friends still followed him and could see that he wasn't interested in her anymore, but didn't tell her. She later found out that he had promptly started dating someone else "for real" after "months" of telling her he "wasn't ready."
"We had enough mutual friends who knew about him dragging me through metaphorical dirt," Oliverio said. "And yet none of them would be like 'Ev, this is happening.'" 
Spiro, the relationship consultant, is cautious about breaking that trust. Even though it may be hurtful to mutual friends, if someone invites you to their finsta then you have a "digital moral obligation" not to share what they post. 
"Either you're in something that's private or you're not," Spiro said. "I love the fact that this is small and intimate, but I think there needs to be spoken and unspoken rules of what you do and don't share." 
Despite the moral obligations, Oliverio notes that finstas are still public, even if your account is set to private, and she'd rather step in than see a mutual friend be hurt.
"You allow who you want to see it but the fact that someone else besides you 'sees' your truth, it's no longer private," she noted, acknowledging that it doesn't justify sharing secrets. "I do think that if you and I have a mutual friend and on their finsta, they start dragging you, I'd tell you. And secondly, hold them accountable." 
At the end of the day, finstas are yet another aspect of how the internet muddles dating. But that doesn't mean that finsta users shut their partners out of their secret accounts entirely. For Valentine's Day last year, Holmquist made their boyfriend a zine with drawings from their finsta posts when the couple first started seeing each other. As long as there's open and honest communication between a couple, finstas shouldn't be an issue, they said. 
Spiro says it's "almost distrusting" when someone insists on following their partner's finsta. 
"I think trust and communication is something couples engage in every day but that doesn't mean that they're on a third-party text or phone call every time they're communicating with somebody else," she said. "You need to have your personal life, and they have their personal life, and you need to have your communication together."
I, for one, value the tightly knit support network in my finsta over any potential partner's insecurities. If a partner asked me to give it up, I'd probably dump them and immediately post about it on my finsta. 
Even if it makes dating more complicated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 
More from Love App-tually
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WATCH: Arturo Castro talks about the first time he dated a vegan
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butterflyinthewell · 7 years
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I hope you listened to why people where upset with you and learned from it, rather than just freaking out and then brushing it off. Learn something from this, better yourself.
Let me be brave...let me be brave...let me be brave....
Putting trigger warnings here in case people don’t tag them in reblogs.
tw nazi mentiontw hitlertw death threatstw rape tw murdertw suicide baitingtw sex mentiontw gunstw violencetw anxietytw abuse tw emotional abusetw cyberbullyingtw anon hate (not for THIS anon, but for the kinds of things I mention anons sending to me.)
Hello, anon.
I didn’t brush it off at all. I apologized, but I don’t know if it ever got acknowledged.
I freaked out because the way I got attacked by anons triggered a flood of emotions related to being emotionally abused and bullied. I had no control of the response other than to delete the cruel messages and type out how I felt to contain my panic. 
The only anon I really responded to publicly was the one who said I was being manipulative for posting how scared, confused and upset I was. I was deliberately trying to avoid using tags that people surf or not tagging at all except for triggers so only my followers would see those posts. I used ‘actuallyautistic’ occasionally when I did panic. 
If I want a post to get attention, I make sure the first five tags are popular ones that get a lot of visits.
I made a mistake. I fucked up. I blew it. Yeah, I get it. It was not intentional at all, but people wanted to make sure I felt as bad as I could possibly feel about it over and over. It’s the exact mob mentality that terrifies me on this site.
I don’t resent being educated. I’m glad for that. I’m grateful and thankful for that. Somebody very kindly explained why the comparisons made people angry instead of saying “don’t compare these things” without further explanation. I can’t learn if I don’t understand why something is wrong. My brain works in specifics, if thing A is wrong, I need to be told that thing B and thing C are also wrong and why they’re also wrong, or I may not connect those dots. It’s autism brain, it’s been that way since I was a kid. That is not an excuse, it is an explanation. An excuse would be “it’s autism, I can’t help it and I don’t need to change my behavior” and I never said that about this incident.
Someone made the time to give me the “why” that I was missing. I felt like an asshole even though I had no ill intent, and I wish more people would acknowledge that my intent was not to cause harm rather than throwing me into the same box as people who are purposefully cruel. People have come to me with kind messages saying they know I wasn’t being offensive on purpose and I appreciate them very much, but I feel like the people who I accidentally hurt won’t ever acknowledge my apology or that I didn’t have ill intent.
Again, I don’t resent people educating me. I took it in and listened to them.
What I resent is the flood of people telling me that I should die, that I’m an antisemitic bigot, that I suck Hitler’s dick and that I’m a Nazi whore. People told me I should get murdered and thrown in a ditch. I had people telling me that I should slit my wrists, jump off a bridge and get raped. I had people saying I deserved every bit of hate I got and that I don’t deserve any of the friends I have on this site. I got called a “basic bitch” (whatever that means), a fraud and homophobic. 
Then I got told I was going to be shot and I wasn’t going to see it coming, which led to me being afraid to open my blinds or leave my house between Monday and Thursday. For my Holy Week stuff at church, I kind of sat or stood slightly away from people so if those shots came, they would only hurt me and not anyone near me. I acted more fine than I felt. I kept watching peoples’ hands for any sign they were taking out a gun. I only felt safe when in enclosed areas away from view of large crowds.
I kept it quiet while it was happening because I didn’t want to call attention to those kind of messages. It’s been about a day and a half since I last got something nasty in my inbox about the whole mess, so I guess people are tired of the whole ordeal. I sure am. 
I got the mob that I’m deathly terrified of. All for a mistake. I came very close to deleting my Tumblr. I got as far as my cursor over the button, but couldn’t click it. Deleting would disappoint more people than my mistake ever did. I remembered all the people who say my blog keeps them going, and I would be letting them down if I vanished totally. I thought of all the nonverbal autistic people who need lots of daily help and can’t make their communications understood who would go totally unacknowledged except as caregivers’ scapegoats without my posts telling the world that they exist and deserve love.
I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but I got treated as if I had. I apologized for what I said and adjusted the video to reflect why it’s gone so that people see the issue is dealt with and won’t feel the need to slam me all over again. I really wish people would delete their reblogs of the post, but I know that’s asking way too much.
I didn’t brush anything off. 
I really hope people didn’t brush my apology off. It’s really not fair to keep shoving a mistake at someone when they make it clear they learned from it and have been beat up enough for it. I get it, I fucked up and I’m sorry for the pain I caused.
But once you fuck up on Tumblr, there are people who see you as always a fuckup no matter how hard you try to do better after setting off the hate mob. 
Again, I don’t resent being educated. I appreciate that people educated me. What I do resent are the people who repeatedly shoved the mistake back in my face as if I’m not allowed to pick myself up and move on after learning from it.
That is the one downside about Tumblr. Mob mentality is a terrifying thing. 
Unfortunately, it’s one of my triggers when it’s aimed directly at me because the bullying I got in high school involved being publicly humiliated in front of crowds of other kids and being taunted repeatedly by members of the crowd afterward. 
There was a boy who threatened to rape and murder me daily, and nobody did shit to stop him. I was told “He’s just being a boy. Ignore him. He probably has a crush on you.” So messages about “you’re gonna get shot bitch watch your back cuz you won’t see it coming” had me going back to the thinking patterns and defense mechanisms I utilized in high school. I freaked out and made myself small for awhile.
Having my feelings dismissed as ‘manipulation’ are exact words my emotionally abusive dad uses on me whenever I’m not emoting “properly” according to some esoteric rules he never bothers to explain to me. That made me get even more confused and scared that nothing I said or did was going to be right and that everyone was going to hate me forever.
I’m not seeking pity, here. I’m explaining these things to you so that you can understand why I behaved as I did in response to the situation. I was taking measures to prevent catastrophic panic attacks that would’ve led to me deliberately getting cruel in attempt to scare everyone away. That would NOT have gone well, and I’m glad I recognized I was falling back into a pattern and wrote it out instead of being silent until I blew up completely.
For the record, again, I am sorry for the harm the Shatner letter post caused and I hope people acknowledge that yes I know I screwed up and I learned. 
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vthiker09 · 6 years
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Have You Tried?
There are two aspects of being gimpy you can’t really prepare for.  The first, is the level of visibility you of all of sudden gain.  We are all visible in the sense that when we move around the world, people acknowledge our physical presence.  People will say “hi,” hold doors open, move if you’re about to bump into them, etc. Clearly, how you are acknowledged by the world differs based on your gender, race, physical appearance, among other characteristics.  At the same time, the world knows you’re there.  When you are gimpy, the world not only knows you’re there, but you suddenly move through the world with what will feel like huge blinking lights attached to your body and a sign which reads “ask me what happened and give me advice.” 
Before I hurt myself I was not a homebody.  Since I work from home, I spent quite a bit of time purposefully leaving the house.  The Oatmeal has a great series of comics focused on people who work from home.  They always start with well adjusted human beings degrading down to a sloth like figure who can barely speak English.  All comedy is based on some level of truth and if you work from home, you do in fact have to try a little harder to not become the sloth like figure in the comic.  At the same time, I would not call myself a “people person.”  Much like every other Vermonter, I like the woods better than most people and if you aren’t one the of twenty or so people I truly enjoy, I don’t feel a strong need to talk to you.
After I hurt myself, I became a home body.  This became my truth for several reasons.  First, the world is not gimpy friendly.  There are entirely too many doors, stairs, uneven surfaces and not enough pillows, couches, and ice packs.  Besides the practical difficulties being gimpy poses, there is another piece which I found much more challenging: how people choose to help.  In one very crappy step, I had become much more visible than I ever wanted to be and people wanted to help me.   At first, going out in public was something I just didn’t want to do.  I quickly realized the way in which I moved through the world was no longer really up to me.  My neon lights and sign, which were physically represented by my crutches and cast, all of sudden became an open invitation for people to stare and help me.
By surgery number four I became more comfortable with the attention, but at first I hated it.  I really truly hated it.  I hated it because I wasn’t happy about my reality and it seemed when I tried to manage the outside world, it was the only aspect of my existence people wanted to focus on.  All of sudden, people who before my injury would pretty much ignore me, wanted to know exactly what happened, how my healing was going, and were ALWAYS there to offer advice.  It didn’t matter who I was with, where I went, or what I was doing, my gimpy status had broken down the stranger danger walls and everyone wanted to talk to me.
Beyond 100% strangers becoming involved in my medical care and general well being, there were my friends, family, co-workers, and the 650 or so friends I’ve collected on social media over the years.  The visibility piece of being gimpy was instantaneous.  The second and much more prevalent behavior I’ve experienced from my human counterparts came a little bit later.  I began to notice as folks asked me “how are you?!?,” if the answer was not “great! I’m so okay,”  the response went something like this:
“Insert some sort of that sucks or I’m sorry statement paired with have you tried?”
All of sudden, I had a couple hundred sources of medical information at my disposal and if I’m to be 100% honest - it was awful.  My situation is unique because I have struggled for a long time.  It’s not unique because I’m not alone and I know there are a pile of people who break bones and heal without surgery and certainty not four of them.  Thus, I had the pleasure of the advice waterfall for much longer and it only gets more powerful the more you struggle.
At first, it was little things about how someone’s relative, friend, co-worker, mail person, etc. had used ergonomic crutches, walking stands, scooters or some other mobility enhancer to make moving a little bit less awful.  This advice was mostly unsolicited based on the sole length of time I was going to be on crutches.  At first, I had zero interest in bettering my mobility.  I had rules about the number of hours my leg needed to be above my heart, I felt awful, and my life didn’t require me to move all that much.  After surgery three, I would finally give in to the scooter because it made carrying objects easier.  The scooter, however, really had little to do with mobility and more with my mental health and a need to have some false sense of independence.  
The advice waterfall really started to pour after my first surgery and when I began to realize PT was not working for me.  What I quickly realized was I couldn’t talk to people, about how I was struggling, without them offering something which a) I had already tried or thought about trying and b) they thought would “fix me.”  With a few exceptions, it really didn’t matter who it was - if I was honest about how things weren’t 100% great, they were there to fix it.
We’ve all had less than great circumstances where we go to people and vent.  In its essence, it’s a very basic human behavior.  Something sucky or awful happens and you want to talk about it.  In most situations, people will respond with some level of “I’m sorry you are struggling.”  Clearly, the level of empathy will vary based on if it’s your local coffee shop got your order wrong to a family member passed away.  At the same time, you don’t often hear “I’m sorry for your loss - have you tried yoga?  My friend lost their mother last year and without yoga, I’m not sure where they’d be today.”  You don’t hear this because, over time, people have learned there are some things you just can’t fix for people.  More traditionally understood forms of trauma are universally understood as areas you a) aren’t qualified to fix and b) it’s not socially acceptable to try.  When was the last time you told someone who experienced sexual violence about the potential benefits of meditation?
Medical conditions, on the other hand, do not hold the same level of hands off awareness as their emotionally fueled trauma counterparts.  Medical conditions are seen as black and white - I broke a bone and blew apart basically everything in my ankle and this can be fixed.  Medical conditions also fall in the highly contentious world of people in camp traditional medicine vs. people in camp alternative forms of medicine.  When you mix something other people view as “fixable,” with something people have so many opinions about - you get an overwhelming amount of advice. 
In order, these are the top ten “fixes” people have suggested to me over the last twenty months:
1. Yoga  2. Acupuncture 3. Second or Third Opinions 4. Where to Seek Medical Care 5. Chiropractors 6. Alternative Mobility Devices or Braces 7.Marijuana 8. Essential Oils 9. Exercise 10. Vitamins or other “Health Foods.” 
If I am to be honest, many of these I did end up trying.  I got a second and third opinion, I ended up seeking care from a provider who was recommended to me by my parents, I used a scooter, I tried smoking weed and edibles, I went to a Chiropractor, I have every useful essential oil for my problems, I workout probably too much, and health foods are my jam.  At the same time, minus the provider recommendation, I didn’t do any of the above because someone told me to.  I did them because I have access to all the same information about their potential benefits the rest of world does and in most cases - one of my medical providers thought they would help.  That’s right - the people who I most often actually listened to were my medical providers.  You know why? because they went to school for a wicked long time and in theory, knew how to actually fix me.
I know people offer advice because they care about me and want me to get better and back to the activities I continue to truly miss.  I know it comes from a good place.  At the same time, this is what I have to offer when it comes to offering advice to someone with a medical condition:
1. You are not a doctor.  Even my PT’s, who are much more highly qualified to try to fix me, often times were reluctant to try to diagnosis what was going on or offer how to fix the problem, because they knew they weren’t qualified to fix me.  Yes - medical issues are very black and white.  Certain bones go in certain places and how tendons and ligaments should look and function is widely understood by the medial community.  At the same time, how to fix said problems can be complicated and they don’t let people even try until they’ve proved over and over and over they can actually do it.  This is why we all aren’t surgeons.  Remember - I had to go to three surgeons before I found someone who could actually fix me and these are the people who are qualified.  Yoga wasn’t going to do the trick - trust me.
2. This part is more important and if I can impart anything as part of my blog escapades it’s this: becoming ill or getting hurt is traumatic.  Without going into the less than pleasant details: I’ve experienced trauma in the truest sense of the word.  When I reflect on how I reacted to those experiences, how long it took to move past them, and what will never be the same - I have experienced all the same emotions, struggles, and non-physical pain as I did in those other situations, since I’ve been hurt.  I have cried so many times.  I have had panic attacks.  I have lost hope, become situationally depressed,  have thought about reverting back to less than helpful coping mechanisms, and have thought about hurting myself.  There were more times than I would like to admit, I thought it would be easier if I wasn’t around because things weren’t going to get better.
Yes - I broke my leg and damaged a pile of ligaments and tendons.  I also almost died on a side of a mountain, loss all my freedom, had to learn and adapt so much just to complete basic tasks, have basically had an identity crisis because many of things which were “Erin,”  I couldn’t do and still can’t do, and there were times when I didn’t know if life ever would be the same.  
Just like all those times when I went to people because I was struggling with how to cope with life situations, I went to people because I was struggling emotionally.  I didn’t need people to fix me.  I needed people to listen.  I cannot emphasize this enough - I needed people to listen.  I needed them to say “that sucks - what can I do to help?”  or just sit with me and pretend I was the same “Erin” they were friends with before I got hurt.  Granted there were people in my life who did this and those people I will be forever thankful to.  At the same time, there were too many people there offering yoga, who didn’t seem willing to listen about how I had cried myself to sleep for the 200th time.
3. If we think about what the difference is between more traditionally understood forms of trauma and medical conditions is - it’s visibility.  If you get mugged at gun point - you get to choose who knows.  You seek support from those you know will provide you with what you need and you will leave everyone else in the dark.  When you’re sick or hurt - there’s no hiding.  Everyone becomes involved in your trauma and what they have to offer isn’t always what you need.  This doesn’t mean they are bad people or they are trying to hurt you, it just means the net is bigger and because they aren’t bad people, they will ask you how you are.  I found it helpful, over time, to be careful about what I shared and with who.  There became a time when I couldn’t emotionally cope with the suggestion waterfall and the only way to stop it, was to say things were “okay.”  When I started to do this, I felt more in control when it came to who knew what and the support I did get.  I found this helpful because my main supports were strong and I found comfort in less high quality help. 
4. Unless solicited: don’t offer advice to someone who is sick or hurt. It’s overwhelming and 99.5% of the time, it’s not the real answer.   Just like your friend who just broke up with their significant other, your sick or hurt friend needs you to be there for them and they like Ben and Jerry’s just as much.  Your emotional support will be more appreciated than your desire to fix them because in reality - you cannot fix a person with a complex medical condition.  I know this may feel uncomfortable because we care about one another and want life to be, in general, “good.”  At the same time, it is more helpful to meet the sick or hurt person where they’re at and all you need to say is “I’m sorry and how can I help?”  I promise you this is so much more helpful than acupuncture ever will be.
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