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#batfam incorrect quotes
frogsandcookies · 2 days ago
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Drown
Jon: Help, Damian is going to drown!
Kon: Jon, the water is only five feet high.
Jon: Not all of us are tall Kon!
Damian: I will not hesitate to drown you Kent. 
Jon: Are you sure you don’t need a floaty?
Damian: *proceeds to dunk Jon*
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adrienette715 · a day ago
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Y/n after a not planned out mission: Well, well, well... if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.
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artaluap · 3 months ago
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Ib: @batshit-birds
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I'm not crying, who is crying? You are crying.
I swear, I didn't realized how sad Kon look like until I finished the piece lol.
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allthingsbatfam · a month ago
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bruce, tied up: no, please, i have a kid-
bad guy: why should i care?
bruce: you didn’t let me finish. i have a kid and he’s right behind you.
bad guy, turning around: so wh-
damian: [cracks his knuckles]
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yeats-nana · 12 months ago
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Alfred: Why are there small handprints on the wall!?
Bruce, whispering to Dick: Why are there small handprints on the wall?
9-years-old Dick, whispering back: Because my hands are small.
Bruce, smiling to Alfred: Because his hands are small.
[Later that day]
Alfred: *puts an empty frame around Dick's small and colorful handprints on the wall that says "small art" at the bottom of the frame* Now that's better.
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catboybatman · 6 months ago
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Gothamite: I had to drop out of school in the 4th grade to run a drugcartel to support my nan
Metropolitian: that means you never experienced the highs and lows of highschool football
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incorrectbatfcm · 8 days ago
Alfred: Please tell me you did not kidnap him, Master Bruce?
Bruce, carrying Duke: I did not kidnap him
Alfred: Oh thank goodness
Bruce: I adopted him
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thefourthbatgirl · 10 days ago
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interviewer: what kind of girl do you prefer?
tim: my girlfriend.
interviewer: how about you? what kind of girl do you like?
cass: tim’s girlfriend.
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idonthaveabackupplan · 15 days ago
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Stephanie: Tim, I’ve been wondering something about you for a while…
Tim: Should I be worried that you’ve been thinking about me?
Stephanie: What? No. I just wanted to ask, what exactly are your dating standards? I mean, the people you’ve dated are all incredibly different.
Tim: Feel my hand for a second.
Stephanie: uhh okayyy? *Holds his hand* Jeez, you’re still as cold as you always were, back when we dated.
Tim: Exactly. Thermodynamic equilibrium. Relationship goals. Right, Jason?
Jason who is also always freezing since reviving: Yeah *Muffled, squished between Roy and Kori (aka Heaters numbered 1&2)*
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Jason: *kills several people*
Bruce: oh teenagers and their rebellious phases. I remember when Dick was around this age, he was so much worse
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lvillin · 26 days ago
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I fucked it up. I used the wrong versions and deleted the finished ones ffs
!Don’t re-post without  permission! 
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hintofelation99 · 3 months ago
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Tam: You're all insane.
Jason, rolling his eyes: Don't be so dramatic, we're fine!
Tam looking skeptical: Really? What are your go to solutions?
Jason: Murd- non-fatal maiming.
Bruce, looking exasperated: Did you almost say murder?
Jason: The key word there is almost Brucie.
Bruce, unimpressed: That is not very reassuring Jason.
Dick: Don't be so judgemental Bruce, he's doing amazing! I'm very proud of you Jaybird.
Jason: Thank you Dickiebird! Besides Brucie, you're the one who taught me that violence is always the answer.
Bruce: I did not teach you-
Bruce: Okay, maybe I encouraged violence, but violence is not my go to solution. My go to solution is to carefully analyze the situation and developed a well-informed solution.
Steph: You're just avoiding the question! Your go to solution can not be to research a good solution!
Cass: She's right.
Dick: Yeah, no your go to solution is to adopt a child and beat up a clown.
Jason: Then get the kid killed by the clown.
Bruce:
Duke, whispering: Damn...
Roy, rolling his eyes: Don't be a drama king. We can have awkward trauma guilt trips later Jaybird. For now we need to focus on Tam's genius inquiry. Bruce adopts then beats up clowns and Jay maims the scum of the earth, how about you Dickie?
Jason: Me? A drama king? Never. And this is none of your business, why are you even here?
Roy: To watch the world burn. Now don't distract Dick from the question at hand.
Dick, rolling his eyes: I just talk it out, no big deal!
Tim: No you don't, you beat people up, fight with B, then act all bossy.
Dick: ...well that was unnecessary.
Tim: It was very necessary.
Jason: I think it can be narrowed down to 'fight with B and act bossy,' which honestly Timbo, is better than your go to.
Tim rolling his eyes: What's my go to?
Steph: A twenty step plan that ends in mass destruction. Same as Babs.
Babs: No no no. My solution is gather all available information. Then mass destruction. And honestly Steph, you should be grateful for that, it's saved your ass many times, considering your solution is basically just 'poke it with a stick and see if it kills me'.
Steph: I'm pretty sure that's also Cass' solution, and she's doing great!
Cass: No.
Tim: Cass is right, she doesn't have a go to solution. She is the go to solution.
Tam: That is... terrifying?
Cass just smiles.
Roy: Okay, but Cass being terrifying is normal, c'mon lets hear about one of the other poorly adjusted children.
Jason: The amount of entertainment you get from the conversation is very concerning.
Roy: Shhhh, babe. We aren't talking about my shitty mental state, we're talking about your families shitty mental state. Now, how does Damian deal with stuff?
Tim: Damian, tries to kill the problem.
Damian: Tt. That is not my solution of choice for every problem.
Tim: You literally tried to kill me when you thought I was a problem.
Damian: That is completely different.
Dick: I mean- I wouldn't say you try to kill everything, but you definitely try to stab everything
Roy: Ok, ok. We have Bruce who's Mr. Adopt-a-kid n' hit the clown. Dick, who's solution is 'it's not a phase dad' and 'I'm oldest listen to me'. Babs who basically just ruins her enemies lives. Then there's Jay, who just hits assholes. And Timmy who puts Lex Luthor to shame. Steph just goes for it and hopes she doesn't die. And Cass who is the solution. And Stabby McStabster who Stabs people. Who else?
Tam: Duke?
Duke: I think, compared to everyone else, my solutions are normal.
Jason: You lead a gang and... oh my god.
Duke: What?
Jason: You have the same solution as Bruce!
Duke: What? No I don't!
Jason: You got some kids to help you beat up the mentally ill! You're Bruce!
Tim: Holy shit Duke, he's right.
Steph: Oh my god! Everyone thinks you're well adjusted but really you're just a mini McBroodster!
Bruce: Stephanie, do not call me McBroodster. Duke, you solutions are generally respectable.
Dick: He's only saying that because they're his solutions.
Jason: Didn't the Joker try to repeat B's trauma origin with you?
Duke: Oh my god.
Bruce: Boys stop making-
Duke, looking horrified: I'M YOU!
Bruce: Why are you upset about that? I handle things very well?
Jason: Haha Duke's gonna be a moody asshole when he grows up!
Duke looks horrified.
Dick, pulling Duke into a hug: Don't worry Duke, we can get through this together.
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