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#batfam incorrect quotes

Dick, whispering furiously: Did you gave Tim a shot!?

Jason: Relax, it’s just root beer.

Tim: *comes out of his room, hits his head on the door*

Bruce: Tim, are you okay-

Tim, in a high pitched voice: Maybe I AM a sLUT BATMAN! MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

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One time, I was playing MINECRAFT and I named one of my wolves Jason, after Jason Todd. We walked into the house that I had just created, and walked into a pissed off creeper and he exploded Jason right infront of my face.

I was traumatised for hours.

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Damian: What the hell, Drake, why would you-

Tim: -I hadnt slept in a week, I was weak, I was awake

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Bruce: Stay here Jason

Robin!Jason: ok

Bruce: *leaves*

Jason: uh- anyways, so-

Jason: *proceeds to get beaten up by the Joker and exploded into little pieces* 😌

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damian: *petting alfred the cat like a mafia boss*

damian: for the last time, grayson. where is my money?

dick: i didn’t take your money

damian: really? then where were you on the seventeenth?

dick: seventeenth? which one?

damian:

damian: *heavy sigh* okay. you didn’t take it. youre too much of an idiot to even know where it was

later:

dick: *looking at his bank account with negative three dollars* goddamn, i should’ve taken that money

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<div> —  Damian’s lyrics to his playlist </div><span>Now, you’re just a criminal that used to know.</span>
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<div> —  Jason’s word of advice </div><span>If shot him in the head, beat with bat, twist his ankles, stab 42 times, slap him 32 times, and rode him all over Gotham, always make sure to make sure he’s dead so you can shot him the head again.</span>
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Dick: shit

Bruce: language!

Damian: fuck

Bruce: language!

Jason: who the fuck do you think you’re calling a bitch, you ass

Bruce: language!!

Steph: now that’s one crazy motherfucker

Bruce: langUAGE

Tim: what the frick frack tickety tack snik snak, bro?

Bruce:

Bruce: what the fuck

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Tim, having consumed enough coffee to kill three horses and sprinting around the room rapidly: WHERE ARE THE FRESH CHILDREN TO FEAST UPON??

Damian, scared for once in his life and backing himself into a corner: whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhathefuckwHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK

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Jason: *says something egotistical*

Dick: Jason Todd, always has to be on top

Tim: *spits out coffee and starts laughing in the corner of the room*

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Jason: I DO WHAT I WANT

Tim: I’m calling Alfred

Jason: no, wait-

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Headcanon that Tim hacks into the Wayne Enterprises official website and changes all the links so the user is redirected to a video of Bruce being clumsy or basically being tired.

The News: Gotham’s Resident Playboy actually a tired dad?

Bruce:

Bruce: Tim get here nOW

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Tim: Hey B, I need $30 dollars for gamer girl water

Bruce *working on a case*: Mh-hm yeh sure

-later-

Tim: I need your credit card for a plane ticket to Area 51

Bruce *handing over his credit card*: okay whatever

Tim: yes!! c’mon Jason, we’re going to go see some aliens!! *runs off*

Bruce:

Bruce: WAIT WHAT-

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Bruce:Stop fooling around.What are 12?

Jason*smugly*:On a scale of 1 to 10?Yes.

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Open Book

[in the batcave, after I have woken up from magically teleporting into the DC universe]

Batman: You clearly know about us, so tell us about yourself.

Me, sitting in a hospital bed: That’s fair but I’m gonna need you to be more specific.

The bat boys: ??

Me: like what do you want to know cause I’m an open book and have no filter. This could turn into a therapy session like [tried to snap fingers. They don’t snap.]

Me, staring at my hand: 👁👄👁

[The batfam watches as I fail to snap my fingers again. After a few attempts I get it.]

Me, continuing to snap my fingers and laughing: I felt like a lighter who wouldn’t- that wouldn’t light!

Damian, to Batman: Are we really concerned about her being a threat?

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Batman: *Stuck in a death-trap* 

Riddler:  *Throwing his cane from hand to hand* Riddle me this Batman~

Riddler: What starts with an ‘I’— *Misses the cane, the taser built in going off on contact with the floor* 

Riddler: AHHH OH FUCK, that scared me

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Jason: Sometimes I just don’t feel like getting out of bed.Then I remember that I have people to anger with my presence and prove wrong that day.

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