#batfam retail au

[josnhoes]

Dc knak au with the batfam and a fem!disabled reader.

[ Part 1 , Part 2 (here)]

Warning: yandere (knak aus are by base yandere), mentions of illness, mentions of poor mental health

-----------

Being adopted by Bruce Wayne *the* Batman wasn't what you expected to happen after the fundraiser. You'd been grumpy and kinda mean to Dick so you thought the family would have ignored you. If it wasn't for the fact the memory from your other life told you *who* he was, and that he wouldn't have just adopted the problem child to show how kind he was, that stopped you from lashing out at their behavior.

They all came on really strong, all of them already calling you sister instead of your name, save Bruce and Alfred whom used your name but often referred to you as daughter or granddaughter. It would have been sweet if it didn't make you feel so guilty. Sure they weren't telling you about their night lives, but compared to the secret of your origins they seemed honest and open. So instead of opening up you built your walls higher scared of if they learned the parts of you hid so strongly.

They'd figure it out maybe. But you gave them some truths, like you'd told them your true age. Tried to say you old life. They found nothing on it so they swiftly assumed you were just a kid pretending. Plus they'd already been warned of this habit by the matron of the group home you had been in. The woman obviously wad trying to dissuade them from her because she wasn't a normal kid.

They loved how you were like a little adult. It was a case of 6 or 60. The way you behaved was different then when Damien tried to seem mature. He acted like an upperclass snob assumption a kid would paint an adult as. Where as you, well you gave of the eternally tired done with life retail worker who just got told their local store no longer stocked their comfort food.

It was cute and funny, the family made various memes out of you sharing them in the various group chats. But then it got not as funny. It had been several weeks and you hadn't stopped and acted like a kid once.

Bruce while planning to find out why you behaved like this, sent you to a therapist with Dick. Bruce figured it could have been a serious case of abuse that left you so aged inside so he was going digging for your past.

Dick was happy to take you to any appointment. He tried to make it a brother sister outing. You'd go to whichever doctor you saw that day, mental or physical, and then you'd do something based on the energy you had left. Sometimes it was just getting a Robin meal at his favorite Batburger, sometimes he took you shopping and got you a toy. The later was helpful in figuring out your preferred entertainment and aesthetic. He was so going to earn the title of best big brother. Or so he planned. If it wasn't for his work as a cop and not having someone like Alfred to help out in the house he would have adopted you himself. His precious little chickadee. He'd be your favorite and he'd definitely make his title of favorite known.

Jason was the one who'd gotten the title as your favorite. You didn't expect him to be around often. He still had his issues with Bruce and his own worries with crime alley and the pit rage. But since you joined the family he was noticeably around since you met him.

He treated you like an adult for the most part. The exceptions were things he thought were dangerous and laughing when you swore. He has a video of you saved on his phone giving a quiet heart filled fuck me as you looked at your fallen ice cream. He loves to mimic it from time to time when bad things happened. Lord help anyone who tried to harm *his* baby sister. He'd gotten his hands dirty for less.

Tim was the distant one, he almost seemed timid at first to approach you. Really he'd just been observing you and learning all your habits. At first while he thought you were cute he didn't get the bond. Then the incident happened. You'd been begging everyone to let you have coffee. He'd nearly choked on his when you whined about having too much blood in your caffeine system. So thinking you'd react like most kids, disgusted, if he gave some coffee he did. He wasn't expected to see you look visibly at peace as you drank it. He also watched as you bit Duke when he tried to take the coffee away from you. Maybe you *were* his sister, by blood even! Logically not but you and him shared a wave length!

Tim runs several DNA tests and each time it didn't match but he knew better it was a match the computer was just glitching or the sample was bad.

#dc knak au #yandere #platonic yandere

[darkpurpledawn]

my favorite Batman fics from 2023, part one

I read a metric ton or so of batman fanfic this year--this is part one of my faves from January-November. We’ve got harlivy, batfam/gen, batcat, and Bruce-centric stuff in this list, next one will be rogues ships, batjokes, and riddlebat. I’ve only included fics that were completed this year, might make a separate post for faves that are ongoing

Harlivy

Client Services by Anon_and on_and on

Lawyer Pamela defends Harley from a malpractice suit...just in time to fall in love with her client. Totally fun and well-realized no capes AU

The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Barbley Quinn by iamawilderness

This is one of the wildest fics I’ve ever read--a lovely crossover that doesn’t seem it like should work but does beautifully. The writing really sparkles!

Retail Therapy: Gotham Edition by paprikaflakes (@paprikaspice)

now that’s some grade-A Harley Quinn dialogue

Batfam-ish (aka Dick and Alfred)

the quiet noise by orphan_account

Batman's in surgery and Jim Gordon and Superman sit with a distraught but stoic Robin in the hospital waiting room. Really lovely outside pov on baby Dick Grayson

They Also Serve by Ginevra_Benci

Really lovely look at Alfred’s POV on the morning after a young Dick Grayson comes to stay in Wayne Manor

Happy Endings: a John and Mary story by @lordwisteria

Based on a Margaret Atwood short story, this metafictional piece about Dick Grayson’s parents is stunning

Umbra by TheResurrectionist (@frownyalfred)

A hilarious and poignant look at the batcape’s debut through the eyes of Alfred Pennyworth

Batcat

Catch and Release by winterkill

A super hot 2022 batcat fic to warm you in the winter chill

I'll Bring You Sparrows by AnonymousMink

Bruce makes Selina a new costume, things get E rated from there

Bruce-centric

Oh Man Oh My Oh Me by whaleofatime (@cetaceans-pls)

Two Bruce Waynes show up at the same party, and Batman is thrown for a loop. Shenanigans ensue!

Damsel by @gement

um so this is possibly the most insanely hot fic I’ve ever read. Bruce has Issues and deals with them by hiring a guy to pretend to be Batman and have sex with him. yeah. it’s really good.

link to part two

#batman #batman fanfic #batman fic #harlivy #batcat #bruce wayne #batman fic recs #batman fanfic recs #lmk if you're in this and want me to unlink you for any reason or if you come across this post and want to link a tumblr I didn't see

[wisegirlandseaweedbrainforever]

Batfam retail au

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(A customer comes to the help desk, looking upset.)

Customer: My daughter’s teacher assigned this book. It’s totally inappropriate for a twelve-year-old! I was hoping you could suggest something else.

Jason: What’s the book, ma’am?

Customer: I don’t want to say the name out loud. There are children present.

(The customer hands over the assigned reading list. The book is ‘Moby Dick’.)

Jason: It’s not a dirty book, ma’am. Moby Dick is a story about a man and his hunt to kill an elusive white whale. It’s actually rather good. I read it when I was about your daughter’s age.

Customer: Well, they should name it something different. You should tell the author person he needs to change the name.

Jason: Right, I’ll just the break out the ol’ Ouija board and tell Herman Melville to change the title...

(the woman glares at Jason who glares right back, the two have a stare down before the lady realizes Jason isn’t gonna bend to her will and sulks away... later Jason telling the story to Roy and Kori)

Jason: Like what the hell did she expect me to do? Go talk to the teacher if you’re uncomfortable with whatever book your kid is reading, not some random clerk working at Wayne-mart!

#S: Not always right #incorrect batfamily quotes #BatFam #batfam retail au #Jason Todd #redhood #roy harper #Arsenal #koriand'r #starfire

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

treat yo’self

Updated as of 12/10/2023

I genuinely love promoting other writers’ works, because they’re freaking awesome, but today? Today I’m gonna hype myself. Because I can.

It’s a long holiday weekend for those of us in the US. Maybe you want to indulge. Maybe you have family you want to avoid. Maybe you have no plans and are looking for a way to fill the time. Maybe you’re on retail or restaurant duty and need a pocket of escape. Maybe you’re not in the US and just want some standard weekend fun.

Let me present to you ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*My Fics*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Marvel Fic

The only way I can reconcile Steve’s choice in Endgame. Bucky POV set just after CATWS.

Morgan and Peter talk, post-Endgame, pre-FFH

Voicemails from Tony to Peter, from 2018-2023

DC Fic

Selina and Bruce’s wedding

How the first three BatKids learned to deal with nightmares

Recovery is a journey and Jason’s path has speed bumps. Good thing Tim is a good brother!

Tim gets hit with fear toxin, Jason is there to rescue him, and it does not go well

Something Very Bad happens and Superman needs a minute to process

EVEN MORE self-indulgent Jason and Bruce

Family is messy sometimes, ft. Jason, Tim, and Cass

Something is wrong with Bruce, but no one knows what

Dev has a VERY bad night

Bruce and Tim at two different points in their relationship

Cassandra sickfic, ft. the best dad

The BatFam as seen by Jim Gordon

TFW you watch Tenet for the first time and have SuperBros emotions

VERY self-indulgent Bruce and Jason fluff

Jason has a bad night. Tim is there to help

Tim is sick and not-exactly-friendly Red Hood is kinder than expected

I use Jason Todd to make everyone cry (including myself)

Sadboy Tim Drake takes care of a very sick Jason

Damian is kidnapped. Dick has a bad time.

Dev has a Very Bad Night (good thing he has a Bruce)

Dick and Jason are stranded on a desert island. There’s magic(?) and lots of regret

New butler-dad Alfred has taken a fright

The light of my life is given his due love and affection (aka I nearly kill Dev and the Fam takes it poorly)

Jason Paranormal AU

Filling in the gaps of what might have happened (relationally speaking) immediately after Bruce comes back from the “dead”

Hand holding. Lots of hand holding by Bruce and for Bruce.

Bruce is hurt and Damian is worried and it’s very sweet

Absolutely unjustifiable fluff in which Dick goes to camp

The rules of surviving as a Rogue in Gotham, as explained by Oswald Cobblepot (ft. BAMF Alfred Pennyworth)

Alfred is sick and Bruce is worried and I drown you in fluff.

I fix a gap in the “Bruce Wayne lost in time” storyline. With knuckle kisses.

Bruce gets a call about his kid, has a slight heart attack.

Totally plotless GoodDad!Bruce fluff with cuddles, kisses, and sweet pet names

Tim is afraid of being forgotten.

Dick and Jason try to be brothers. Twice.

Jason gets a cat. Or rather, a cat gets a Jason.

Jason, Bruce, and the stars above.

Dick is a bad patient but so are the rest of the family.

Bruce Wayne adopts each of his children.

Bruce Wayne has depression.

Damian&Dick whump from Damian’s (pt 1) and Tim’s (pt 2) POV.

Jason&Bruce hurt/comfort, centering around Ethiopia and post-reunion.

Pure BatKids fluff from Clark Kent’s POV.

What I call my Sad, Sad Tim Drake fic (for all you middle children out there.)

A Stranger Things/Batman crossover that literally no one expected or asked for

Damian&Jason coming to an understanding as wary siblings

Pre-Robin Tim is a nervous lil bean with bad timing

I spit on the idea of Ric but have the Fam react to the haircut

Jason learns about something that happened while he was dead and it’s traumatic for everyone (including me)

A selection of Jason’s Christmases, from Catherine to post-Ethiopia

Alfred goes on vacation and NewDad!Bruce has a sort-of emergency

New-to-Gotham Damian and Dick start to understand each other

Canonically, Tim’s mom died on Christmas Eve, so here’s a look at that

5+1 of the times Jason saved his siblings and the time they saved him

Bruce Wayne adds one last child to his hoard

Tim, Jason, and Bruce are offered the chance to go back in time and stop Jason’s death from happening. With a catch.

If Bruce had reacted to Jason’s return the way he should have screw you DC

Dick gets the flu and it’s bad but Bruce is there

Time travel shenanigans where Bruce finally gets to hold one of his children as a baby

My ongoing fic where Bruce gets deaged and his children experience him at different points in his life

Damian and Cass go on an unplanned hike

My Whumptober 2019 fic prompts, which include:

Jason&Bruce deal with some of the practical emotional fallout from the fact that Jason is canonically a serial killer

Jason races to save a sibling as a bomb counts down

The sibling’s POV for the above fic, plus a resolution

Bruce really loves his butler dad, okay? Like a lot.

Home invasion fic starring audreycritter’s Dr. Dev, plus Bruce

Clark deals with a Bruce emergency and is partially based off that one post that upset people 😁 (also part of SuperBros, below)

Post-Ethiopia Bruce panics over Tim, then panics over panicking because he doesn’t want to father

Follow-up of the above, where Bruce is still panicking

Cass is, as one commenter put it, a BAMF (but also loves her family very much)

Robin!Dick and Uncle Clark have a sleepover but Clark is still a clueless 20-something bachelor who has no idea how to Adult

BatFam Week 2018 prompts, which include:

Dick/Babs whump, open-ended

Jason&Bruce are buried alive and it’s as traumatic as you might think

AU where tiny Jason refuses to stay with Bruce for Reasons

Time travel shenanigans with BrandNew!Batman Bruce

Tim&Dick hurt/comfort set during Bruce’s “death”

100% BatFam family night fluff

My ongoing collection of Bruce&Clark Superbros fic, which include:

Clark is so powerful it freaks Bruce out, set during Robin!Dick years

Clark catches a cold and Bruce is definitively the Dad Friend of the JLA

Clark deals with a Bruce emergency and is partially based off that one post that upset people 😁 (also part of Whumptober, above)

Bruce has a nightmare and Clark appears (and Clark’s POV)

Clark and Bruce are dying, but at least they’re together

Clark has the hiccups then uh-oh, things get serious (plus Bruce’s POV of the same series of events)

My ongoing collection of Tumblr prompt fic, which include (listed by chapter):

Pukey Jason, mama-henning Dick

Dick gives CPR to a sibling

Damian has a flashback, Tim gets the brunt of it

Tim and Jason, post-fear toxin

Jason and Dick work themselves to exhaustion with expected consequences

Tim and Damian get kidnapped

Sniffly Jason, mama-henning Dick

Steph and Duke bond

Tim, Cass, and Damian have a movie day

A brief scene with Robin!Jason and Bruce

Tim and RedHood!Jason have a heart-to-heart

Dick is laid up but he has a nice time with Cass and Tim regardless

Damian is ill but tries to sneak out on patrol anyways

Damian taking care of Bruce for the first time

“Get help” but with the Fam instead of Thor and Loki

Duke wiggles his eyebrows for Reasons

A very tired Tim

Alfred is loved (Alfred is mortal)

Jason needs attention

Violence as a love language, ft. Damian and Jason

My ongoing collection of headcanon/fic mishmashes, which include (listed by chapter):

Four Dick Grayson headcanons (traveling, sleepwalking, an unshakeable truth, and not a cop)

Four Jason Todd headcanons (self-love, squicks, Dick, kiddos)

Four Cassandra Cain headcanons (crying, singing, family, favorite superhero)

Four Wally&Dick headcanons (Batman, favorite story, sit still, Enrique)

Four Damian Wayne headcanons (hugging, jumpscare, anger, #1 bros)

Four more Jason Todd headcanons (glasses, patrol games, Robin, kitty cat)

Four Tim Drake headcanons (noise, nails, crying, Bruce)

Four Clark Kent headcanons (Kryptonian, scruff, plan, Dick)

Three more Tim Drake headcanons (school, sleep, home)

Four Alfred Pennyworth headcanons (cards, bingo, the end, ripped)

Jason and zombies

Damian’s eyebrow

Can Bruce cook?

Is Damian a vegetarian?

My worst BatFam head canon of all time

BatFam voices

Jason Todd and the local library

Dick and Jason’s relationship as adults

Tim’s role at Wayne Enterprises

Jason’s tattoos

Jason, Damian, and Talia

Damian’s taste in music

Alfred’s initial reaction to Damian

The truth about Jason and Catherine

Steph’s place in the BatFam

Damian’s feelings regarding Selina Kyle

Dick and Tim’s relationship before the other kids arrived

Bruce’s favorite child

How Tim really feels about Jack leaving on so many trips

BatFam weird takes

Bruce sharing memories of his parents with his kids

How the BatFam hugs

A word on Dick and Bruce’s relationship

Mental health medication

Each BatKid’s favorite song from Six: The Musical

Four more Jason Todd headcanons (Cass, the bet, Bruce, naming)

Cassandra’s fears and phobias

What flusters Bruce

Dick, Bruce, and their tickle spots

Tim’s humiliating memories

What makes Dick cry

Alfred’s grudges and vendettas

Dick’s emotional/moral weak spots

A what-if/AU for Dick

Alfred’s vices

Damian’s habits

Things Tim will never admit

Damian’s bad habits

BROTP: Bruce & Clark

BROTP: Cass & Steph

BROTP: Tim & Steph

I’m working on adding Tumblr links to the end of each AO3 story as well.

#batfic #my fic #fanfic #fanfiction #fic rec #batman #robin #red hood #black bat #nightwing #red robin #spoiler #alfred pennyworth #dcu #marvel #irondad #peter parker #tony stark #steve rogers #bucky barnes #clark kent #superman #bruce wayne #batfam #treat yo'self #GoodDad!Bruce

[herecomesnaya]

What are some of your favorite Au? What do you like in an Au and what do you dislike?

hmm, good question! I love a lot of AUs, so trying to pick out likes and dislikes is pretty hard.

favorites: alternate histories (one thing changes and so the rest of the story does), as well as AUs where the villains win and stuff; monster AUs (including specific “canons” such as Lovecraftian and SCP settings); fight to the death AUs such as The Hunger Games and Battle Royale; role reversal/role swap stuff (i.e. Light is the detective L and L Lawliet is Kira)

favorite aspects of AUs: what I like best is taking characters and making as many parallels to canon as possible in the new setting. I want the characters to be recognizable even if their stories are wildly different, and it’s fun challenging myself to do that! but I like little personality changes that let me expand on aspects of them you don’t often see in canon, like making a character more aggressive or more in touch with their sexuality or something. that’s why I like monster and forced murder AUs so much - it’s a really great way to get in touch with a character’s most emotional/wildest/animalistic side.

least favorite: I’m not a huge fan of mundane AUs unless I’m already super invested in the characters or pairing, and even then I can be picky. I don’t really like shopkeeper AUs (coffee shops, flower shops, etc.). especially if the character already comes from a very interesting setting - why would I care about the batfam milling around in a retail setting when they could be punching supervillains or killing each other, for example? but other canons are better for this. like, say, Hetalia, where there’s magical aspects, but it otherwise already takes place in the real world. that’s easier for me to swallow.

also, I hate Alice in Wonderland AUs so fucking much. I’ve just never liked AiW and find it tryhard and bland most of the time. I think we, as a species, are pretty alright on the Alice in Wonderland reboot/AU scale rn. we don’t need more. (and on that note, we can probably stop with WWII AUs too. esp “star-crossed Nazi/concentration camp prisoner” ones. I feel like we’d be fine without those.)

#ask #fic chatter #anonymous

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(While working at Wayne-mart’s literature department, a couple of students come up to the desk.)

Jason: Can I help you?

Student: Yeah, we’re looking for the play Othello.

Jason: Sure, that will be in the PR section with the rest of the Shakespeare books.

Student: Oh. Do you have it in English?

Jason: Certainly, all of his work was in English.

Student: No. In English, not in Shakespeare!

#S: Not always right #BatFam #batfam retail au #incorrect batfamily quotes #Jason Todd #Red Hood

[harveyb-wabbit92]

[Damian is off the clock and is walking around the gaming section with Tim waiting for Dick, so they can go get dinner, when they hear someone say “excuse me?” they look and see a well dressed man approach a teenage girl, dressed in a obnoxiously pink hoodie and ripped jeans, standing by the display desk playing with the tablets. he asks the girl where the screwdrivers were.]

Girl: I don’t work here.

Man: Then why are you behind the counter?

Girl: I am not behind the counter.

Man: You are by the counter straightening inventory, so you’d better help me or I will get your manager.

[Tim moves to go over to help the kid out, but Damian stop him. As the girl turns to face the man.]

Girl: I am looking for a specific case for my phone, so are you going to help me or not?

Man: Wait, what? I don’t work here.

Girl: Neither do I.

[The man keeps demand something of the girl, and the girl demands something from him, and it ends the same way every time.]

Man: I don’t work here.

Girl: Neither do I.

[This goes on for a couple of minutes, the girl is saying random stuff, like her cousin’s husband’s roommate just lost his job and his granny has gout! or her kids are sick with shingles and can’t eat grapes, she must’ve mentioned ten kids and random relatives, and the guy still wasn’t getting it.  As he gets mad and moves closer to her:]

Girl: Six feet, or I will tell your manager you are violating your store’s distancing policy.

He backs up a little.

Man: I don’t work here.

Girl: Neither do I.

[That happens two more times, before, Finally Roy notices them and wanders over. ]

Roy: Excuse me is there a problem here?

Girl/man: I want this bitch/ass fired!

Roy:....But neither of you work he-

[They start yelling over each other as Roy slowly starts walking away.]

Roy: *under his breath*  Fuck this....

[Dick finally appears from the back after Roy tells him what going on, he watches the girl and man argue.]

Dick: *stunned* Really?

[He finally tries to intervene but can’t get a word in edgewise. It ends finally with both of them saying at the exact same time, “I don’t work here.” “Neither do I.” ]

Tim: Jesus Christ! it’s like watching Abbott and Costello!

Damian: Who works in the deli?

Tim: No Who works in gardening, I don’t know works in deli...

(they both snicker.}

[The man looks back and forth between the girl and Dick.]

Dick: Out of the three of us, I am the only one that works here. Now how can I help you?

Girl: “Where are the phone cases?”

[Dick points to an aisle.]

Girl: *Pleasantly* Thank you.

[She bounces over to the aisle without a care in the world. The manager turns back to the man.]

Dick: And you, sir?

[The man stammered for a minute and finally, sheepishly, explained what he needed.]

#S: Not always right #batfam retail au #batfam incorrect quotes #BatFam #Damian Wayne #Tim Drake #dick grayson #roy harper #Red Robin #Arsenal #nightwing #robin

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(Dick working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about eight pm with three dozen eggs.)

Dick: You’re not the ones who’ve been egging people in the carpark, are you?

Boy: Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelet.

Dick: You’re making a thirty-six egg omelet? How big is your frying pan?

Boy: Shit! 

[the boy and his girlfriend run out of the store, where they’re nabbed by Jason and Roy, long story short parents were called, groundings were had and the kids were made to wash every single car they egged.]

#S: Not always right #batfam incorrect quotes #BatFam #batfam retail au #dick grayson #nightwing #roy harper #Arsenal #Jason Todd #redhood #Halloween

[harveyb-wabbit92]

Manager to register three. We have a customer with a knife threatening to stab me... I’d like to see him try.

Damian Wayne at cash.

#S: Not always right #batfam retail au #batfam incorrect quotes #incorrect batfamily quotes #Damian Wayne #robin

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(Wayne-mart finds out their customer service number had previously belonged to the Gotham animal shelter. Some people just don’t seem to grasp that they’ve called a retail store and not animal control, So Jason starts having fun with the more ignorant callers.)

Caller: Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.

Jason: Hmm… that’s nice.

Caller: Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely… like it’s crazy.

Jason: What do you want me to do about it?

Caller: Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?

Jason: Okay, then. Give me your address.

Caller: *gives out address*

Jason: All right, after I finish closing up the store I’ll be over with my shotgun at around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors first. Oh! and since I don’t work for your taxes, just leave 20 bucks inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

#S: Not always right #BatFam #batfam incorrect quotes #batfam retail au #retail au #Jason Todd #Red Hood

[harveyb-wabbit92]

Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

Dick: Okay. I’ll get someone right away.

(Dick calls in a code yellow.)

Dick: Okay, how old is your child?

Woman: She’d just turned three. Oooh, what if she’s been kidnapped?

Dick: Don’t worry; I’m sure that’s not the case.

(Damian comes up to talk to her and she turns around; back facing Dick whose jaw drops.)

Damian: Ma’am, how many children do you have?

Woman: Just the one. Why?

Damian: Because your child is on your back.

(The mom was wearing one of those harnesses.)

#S: Not always right #batfam incorrect quotes #BatFam #batfam retail au #Damian Wayne #robin #dick grayson #nightwing

[harveyb-wabbit92]

Customer: Do you sell stripper costumes?

Bruce: Sorry?

Customer: Stripper or hooker, whatever. I need it for a Halloween costume party.

(He assumes she’s dressing up herself in a party for adults.)

Bruce: *ahem* Why don’t you just go to a lingerie store? Or perhaps an adult store?

Customer: “Well, they won’t be selling sizes that fit my kid. She’s six.

Bruce:... Are you joking right now?!

Customer: Excuse me?

Bruce: YOU’RE FREAKING SERIOUS?!

[Cut to that very customer walking out of Wayne-mart looking terrified hugging a child sized witches costume, which she bought after Bruce tore her a new one, Dick passes her as he’s coming for work.]

Dick: Is everything okay ma’am?

Customer: (dazed) Mr. Wayne yelled at me today, that was one of the most frightening experiences of my life! 

Dick: Okie-dokie! (continues on his merry way)

#S: Not always right #batfam retail au #BatFam #batfam incorrect quotes #bruce wayne #batman #dick grayson #nightwing #Halloween

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(Retail AU: Wayne-mart’s pet department Damian is stocking chew toys, A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

Woman: Are these free?

Damian: Yes, those are free samples.

Woman: What are they? *eagerly rips the package open*

Damian: Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.

[She doesn’t hear him and takes a big ol’bite out of the dog biscuit, then grimaces in disgust.]

Woman: Ugrh! These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!

Damian: tt, No doubt…

#S: Not always right #batfam retail au #batfam incorrect quotes #Damian Wayne #robin

[harveyb-wabbit92]

[ it’s Christmas time, Tim going around picking up discarded wrapping paper and putting misplaced items back to their sections, when a lady approaches him.] 

Customer: Where are your walnuts?

Tim: It’s over with the other nuts.

Customer: I didn’t see them.

Tim: They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.

(Time passes, Tim finish filling his bin and wade through the Christmas crowd to check on the customer. and finds her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)

Tim: You found them.

Customer: Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.

(Tim looks at the sign she’s referring to, an 18-inch sign with three-inch-wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)

Tim: ....You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?

Customer: *angry* Yeah, that’s right!

Tim: “I… can’t help you. (goes to the breakroom for a coffee break)

#S: Not always right #batfam retail au #batfam incorrect quotes #Tim Drake #Red Robin

[harveyb-wabbit92]

(Batfam Retail A: Due to a power outage Wayne-mart had to close before the morning shift. The lights were all out and there were 2 big shoddy cardboard signs scotched taped to the windows “CLOSED, NO POWER, SORRY!”.  Jason’s watching his co-workers doing some cleaning, playing on their phones and just talking while waiting around for their rides, When he notices a lady trying to pull the door open, she sees Jason watching and waves him over he opens the door just enough for his head to come out and talks to her ]

Jason: I’m sorry, ma’am, there is a power outage. We’re closed.

Woman: Does that mean I can come in?

{She tries shove passed him, Jason blocks her.]

Jason: “No. ‘Closed’ means you can’t come in.”

[the woman looks like she just sucked four lemons out of a donkey’s butt.]

Woman: *snotty tone* Then how come THEY’RE allowed in?

*She points to Roy and Stephanie who are wearing the store uniforms.*

Jason: Uh… they work here.

Woman: *leaves angrily*

{Roy and Steph who heard everything look at Jason like “what the hell?’ and he just shrugs and locks the door.]

#S: Not always right #retail au #DC comics #BatFam #incorrect batfamily quotes #Jason Todd #redhood #roy harper #Arsenal #Stephanie Brown #spoiler