#bc i am suffering

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

finally at that age where i'm thinking i should get a tattoo. not bc i feel strongly about it, just seems like a waste not to. i've got so much skin i'm not using

#feels so selfish like. all this skin what am i saving it for? #open to design suggestions! (please make me regret this offer) #maybe some deep sea horrors. a pretty watercolor of a gulper eel #once saw a person on the subway with various Skeleton Tattoos on all their limbs #i respected their commitment to the theme #but more than that i respected how all the skeletons were engaged in Activities #dancing in a ballgown. juggling its own (and two other???) skulls. swordfighting. being a mermaid skeleton #ANYWAY. the only reason i haven't already gotten tattoos is i just couldn't be bothered #i'm old enough to know i don't have any strong-but-potentially-temporary feelings driving me towards it #aesthetically i prefer decorated to non-decorated surfaces. but i'm not artistic or thrilled with commitment #honestly it feels like sheer laziness. indecisiveness--nay. immaturity!--that i HAVEN'T gotten a tattoo yet #letting all this blank canvas go to waste. tut tut i need to grow up and be an adult and get a tattoo sleeve already. #really i've put off my responsibilities long enough #(in fairness i DID at one time have 18 different piercings) #(but i took most of them out bc they interfere with wearing headphones and/or shoving my face in my pillow during Sleep Time) #(i only kept the nape piercing bc oddly enough it ended up being the most convenient. and the least painful to get now i think about it.) #(neck piercing? no problem. normal pair of earrings? Tribulations And Suffering. i don't make the rules i just poke them with a stick.)

[glitchdollmemoria]

please can we stop describing bigots as delusional. please. im so fucking tired. someone being sucked into a hate group surrounded by others who believe minorities should be oppressed and encouraging them to believe in conspiracy theories that the rest of the group believes, is fundamentally different from someone having a mental illness that causes delusions.

delusions, by definition, cannot be explained by things like cultural background - such as having a belief constantly reinforced by intentional attempts to rationalize it for the sake of maintaining power over minorities. yes, someone can be both delusional and a bigot, and yes conspiracy theories can feed into delusions, but the two are not fucking synonymous.

i did not spend my teen years convinced that i was being stalked by demons just to hear so many of you people equate my disability with incel behavior and genocidal propaganda. stop reinforcing harmful connotations about mental health struggles.

#ok to rb #mental health advocate #mental health advocacy #mental health awareness #ableism cw #sanism cw #madpunk #neuropunk #actually delusional #actually schizospec #im not gonna interact with the post that prompted this #because i do agree with everything that was said and dont want to sound like im defending the assholes discussed #but i also am still fucking pissed about seeing a bunch of misogynistic jackasses compared to a disability #which has caused me immense fear and suffering #and guess what! my delusions were never ''women shouldnt have rights'' or whatever else #bc thats not a delusion thats a tool of the partriarchy to maintain the status quo #genocide cw #to be safe

[lotus-pear]

whatever happens, please don’t break

#god not a fucking DAY goes by where i don’t think of that one interview and this quote #does anybody have it word for word? please? i’ll pay you #literally every single time i think about how kunikida as w character was MADE for dazai. specifically to share his suffering #i actually sob into my hands because that means they were both destined for tragedy together and the long dark road they will walk #will at least not be lonely. because they have each other. they are each other’s light in the darkness. #DO YOU UNDERSTAND #bro the fact that kunikida is painfully aware of the imperfection of the world and how he still continues to fight for his ideals #paralleling dazai who finds humanity beautiful but cannot become attached bc he feels alienated from emotion #THE WAY THEY COULD HELP EACH OTHER????? SICK SICK SICK I AM SICK #i love kunikidazai sm i wish more ppl could see the potential #but some of you aren’t ready for the sheer perfection of their dynamic #also i’ve noticed that i am only capable of drawing dazai properly when it’s with kunikida what’s up with that 💀 #and sorreyy i know their height difference isn’t THAT big but i didn’t realize until i was halfway into the coloring 😔💔 #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #kunikida doppo #doppo kunikida #kunikidazai #knkdz #kunizai #lotus draws

[gunstellations]

a little family

#buddy daddies #my art #doodles #sometimes a family is an two misfit assassins and the daughter of the guy you offed and thats a okay #but lets not talk about that #we love healing in this house and how do you heal if not after suffering #reis journey through depression and kazukis journey through grief #what 1 little girl does to a man #its 5 am all i can offer are doodles but i love them very much #i know we do reasonably get to call them cowards for not making it gay (esp at the end bc come on) #but i do love whatever relationship they have going becuase theyre just. Thats marriage babe.... #theyre not going to be doing any dating with that committment that is the most domestic ass setting ive ever seen #everyone and their mother assumes theyre married/dating and doesnt even question it because theres NO QUESTION T O ASK #only the people involved apparently dont know theyre married #ok nvm they were cowards for not making it gay. but again. theyre clearly married your honor. theyre just a little stupid

[waveoftheocean]

06.10.23 happy birthday iwa-chan!! sorry for inflicting paperwork on you for your bday but at least you have oikawa to help (coughdistractcough) you 🥰

#haikyuu!! #iwaoi #iwaizumi hajime #oikawa tooru #haikyuu #hq #mine #my art #wip #lol i wanna color this but at the rate i'm going at it'll be finished in either a week or in 3 years so uh. guess we'll see how it goes :DDD #still can't believe it's already been half a year since i started this... #(absolutely not looking at the wips that have been sitting in my wip folder for years) #i'm not exaggerating literal years..... #but ANYWAYS yeah i specifically am inflicting tax paperwork on them bc its what i was procrastinating on when i started this #but you can imagine it's whatever kind of paperwork or homework or whatever tedious suffering you want :D #love is stored in the “i hate this thing SO MUCH but i hate it slightly less when i'm with you”

[humanerrers]

12.16.23 in Tel Aviv

(via @AmiDar on X)

#i am sick of the antisemitism-inflected ceasefire posts #that you see on this site #(obligatory Not All Posts) #I have been posting less about particulars #bc I could feel my posts descending into Good Jew territory #yes these are my beliefs but I am tired of being called fascist #for voicing hope for a political solution #rather than a bloody revolution #which wouldn’t fucking work anyway #just create more suffering and death #so anyway let’s amplify Israelis #who are fighting for their shared future #end rant

[hyakunana]

"Son, please— we're having a moment here."

#Lies of P #lop #neowiz #pinocchio #geppetto #geppetto lop #pinocchio lop #fanart #comics #tw blood #as I prepare this post I am facing who i believe to be the last boss in my very first run #aND IM VERY FRAGILE OK #watch me cope with finale emotions w a //ba dum tss// dumbass comic #heard they nerfed the bosses after me getting stuck two days in the cathedral and im like #part of me is happy bc god yeah not much suffering #but the other part is like ok this is too easy wasnt i supposed to suffer?? #there was two bosses i defeated in my third try and one in my second tHSI ISNT RIGHT #also very small spoiler alert but i'm keeping my p with the short hair ok I GOT ATTACHED TO IT

[kaijutegu]

At work. My eye bags? Atrocious. My hat? Sublime.

#reptile #lizard #tegu #reptiblr #Nakajima #I'm gonna regret allowing this in a year when she weighs ten pounds #but I am willing to accept that regret bc this is cute as hell #and it's not like I allow this behaviour with other people #just me her long-suffering mother

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[shima-draws]

I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a fucking sucker for unhealthy dependent relationships. There’s just something about them that is so. Chef’s kiss 👌

Anyway I’m still thinking about how Law was so attached to Cora and was so traumatized by his death that he literally devoted thirteen YEARS of his life to revenge killing Doflamingo. Even though all Cora ever wanted was for Law to just be free and live his life happily. And Law spending all his time in a hateful revenge spiral is literally the exact OPPOSITE of what Cora wanted for him. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. If the thirteen years of endless devotion to avenging his savior wasn’t enough Law 1. Named his pirate crew the Heart Pirates in honor of Cora, 2. Covered himself in permanent heart-themed tattoos in honor of Cora, and 3. Fashioned his Jolly Roger to be a mockery of Doflamingo’s and ALSO to honor Cora. Homie is a walking memorial for a man he only really knew for six months and again crafted the most intricate plan known to mankind to murder Cora’s killer. Because losing Cora fucked him up THAT much. Because even though Cora set him free, the moment Doflamingo shot him Law was chained to the memory of a man who no longer existed. Law literally fashioned his entire life down to his own appearance after Cora and it makes me so insane. I cannot even imagine what went through his head after Dressrosa I mean how do you move on after a thirteen year grudge is put to rest. What is he supposed to do now. Avenging Cora was literally his entire existence, his entire reason for living for half of his life. He needs therapy probably. If Cora somehow ever did come back to life Law would lose his fucking mind. The dependency is SO unhealthy and I am SO here for it

#Anyway this is not me promoting unhealthy relationships irl #If you are that dependent on someone that you can’t bear to live without them. Get help! Therapy!! Actually!!! #In fiction tho it is a wonderful treat. Haha yes I love to watch my faves suffer. #One Piece #Trafalgar Law #Donquixote Rosinante #Donquixote Doflamingo #Doflamingo #Cora #One Piece Cora #One Piece spoilers #Dressrosa #Shima speaks #I AM SO. HNNGHHH. I AM UNWELL. I probably also need therapy. LMAO #Oda why did you do this why did you kill Law’s dad (again) #Law: Feel like shit just want Cora-san back #Also I didn’t even get into how much Cora influenced Law’s life VS how his actual blood family influenced his life #Flevance was traumatic as FUCK and yet all of Law’s notable trademarks are still Cora-themed… #(Bc Cora saved him. Bc Cora gave him a reason to live after he thought he’d lost everything) #Slams my head into the wall and howls

[asbestos-11]

when your bf has the world's softest chest.

ratio here is a pre op trans dude

#hsr #aventurine #dr ratio #aventio #draw tag #100% self projecting here. i have big naturals and i am suffering everyday bcs of them ;; #aventurine is so silly to me. he just latches onto ratio and is taking advantage of the scholar's soft spot 4 him #2.1 please come sooner i really need the silly goobers reunited

[ravidrws]

Tears

#xiaoven #xiao #venti #genshin impact #genshin fanart #ravidraws #Something low effort bc I am supposed to be studying (which I am not doing) (all my time is in fact spent procrastinating) #There was a second page but after I spent the last two days occasionally rendering it I suddenly wasn't feeling it anymore :'D #Kinda started as vent art but then it got filtered by my incapacity of drawing my faves suffering and my love for xvn

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

if you're wondering why I kind of abandoned this blog, there's several reasons (fandom just doesn't feel fun anymore, I'm trying to cut back on screen time, I've been feeling like my faith is in contradiction to what I see/read/interact with on here is for years and years now) but the final straw has been what I see on my dash every day about Israel/Palestine.

I keep seeing people I used to interact with and used to like now peddling conspiracy theories, debunked claims, inflammatory headlines, and even bloodthirsty rhetoric with tens of thousands of notes (when corrections of those posts get ~500 notes at best), and reacting to nuanced conversations like they're calls for hatred, all while turning a blind eye to the very literal vicious hatred or sheer ignorance in many of those big posts. The level of black-and-white thinking is so strong that we are wayyyy past 'us-vs-them,' we're in the kind of discourse where even 'know thy enemy' (being interested in understanding the opposing arguments even just so you can dismantle them) is considered hatred - people can't be bothered to know what they're arguing for or against, nothing short of plugging your ears and screaming for the death of the Bad People is enough. This is a wave of just about the most hypocritical, callous and uninformed 'activism' this website has ever been guilty of and it's too much. I'm done with this.

And yes, this is about antisemitism. You can all shout 'not antisemitic, just anti-zionist' all day long but you have done jack shit to prove you don't hate Jews beside chanting 'punch a nazi' in the same breath you use KKK slurs and cheer for groups that have 'curse the Jews' in their slogan. I trust none of you anymore.

#israel palestine conflict #israel hamas war #antisemitism #I should have taken a stand from the beginning and I was afraid to. makes me a pretty shitty ally I guess #I also didn't want to talk about current events on a fandom blog bc who am I to give my two cents? #and how can I justify having an opinion unless I back it up with constantly up to date and rigorously examined info #and how can I stop talking about current events once i've started? making my fandom blog no longer about fandom #I still don't know what the right thing to do is #I still don't think it's my place to speak out on much of what's going on in I/P because of how hard it is to be accurate and objective #but if I'm on any 'side' it's certainly not the side of the western 'activists' #i'm on the 'side' of the innocent people suffering in both countries and on the side of the jewish people you've made feel afraid #i'm on the side of life #you GLORIFIED TERRORISM AND SUICIDE

[kainyte]

you're all i have left ⎯ ft. childe angst bcs idk what else to do w/ my life pt. O1 : pt. O2

the fatui harbingers lead dangerous lives, including childe. with his newborn son, it's getting harder and harder to keep everyone safe. and as much as it pains him he might just have to leave.

notes : 1245 words of pure angst :DD

Ajax sighs, gently setting down the sleeping baby in the crib. His son. He has the same hair color as you, but he shares Ajax’s eyes. As the baby finally begins to settle, Ajax takes a step back.

The door is ajar, light from the hallway seeping in. You're asleep on your guys’ shared bed, arms curled against you chest.

Ajax misses when they were wrapped around him.

“I…” Ajax’s voice cracks, “I’m sorry,” he whispers to his son. Ajax knows the baby can’t understand, but he doesn’t care.

You’re a weak spot for him. Someone can easily exploit you to get to him. Or worse, someone could hurt you. Ajax can’t let that happen.

He kisses the baby on the head. Come morning, Ajax will be gone.

He’s about to leave the room quietly when he sees you stir in your sleep. You let out a soft sigh before settling back into sleep again.

Ajax is suddenly overwhelmed. He can’t just do this, he can’t just leave you here. He grabs the blanket from beside the crib and gently places it over your shoulders. He wants to wake you but he also wants what little rest you can get.

Ajax wants to stay.

But he can’t.

You slowly crack my eyes open, “Ajax? Why’re you up so late?” you move to the side of the bed, “Come back to bed.”

Archons. How can he do this. Tears well in the corner of his eyes, and he’s never been so thankful that darkness of the room hides them.

Ajax walks back to the bed. There’s something different about him.

Your eyes grow wide when you make a connection. He looks like he just woke up himself.

“I…” he pauses. He can’t tell you the truth. But he doesn’t want to lie to you. His eyes dart around the room as he struggles to come up with an excuse. “I saw that you were cold,” he lies.

You know. You’ve read him well enough. You know he’s lying but you know the truth would hurt more than the lie.

“You we’re going to leave?”

“Darling…” Ajax sighs, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face into the crook of your neck. He’s holding you so close.

You’re everything he has, and the way he feels the tears that stream down your face and fall onto his shoulder makes Ajax’s resolve waver.

He doesn’t want to leave you.

He wants to stay.

But he can’t. He’s told himself that a million times tonight, his mind running endless scenarios of what can happen if his enemies ever find out about you. He loves you too much to stay.

Your grip on his shirt tightens, and you bury your face deeper into the crook in his neck. “Please…” Archons, you can barely see through your tears, “Please don’t leave. You’re all I have left.”

Ajax swallows hard. He hates the lies. He hates having to do this. His love for you is the biggest reason to stay.

Yet…

He has to.

Ajax looks you in the eyes.

Can you tell that something is wrong? Or do you believe the lie? Ajax is holding back tears as hard as he can. The words feel like rocks in his mouth. He hates himself for doing this but it has to be done, for both your safety and the sleeping child’s.

“Shhh,” he whispers in your ear, “go back to sleep.”

Your voice is wavering with every word you speak, “Not without you, please don’t to this to me, I cant…” Your voice trails off.

I can’t do this without you.

Ajax’s hands are shaking. He’s tries to hold back his tears but some have slipped free. He brushes cups his hands against your face.

You’re crying because of him, and it breaks his heart.

“Darling…” he replies softly, “listen to me. There are enemies trying to hurt me. They’re looking for me, not you. If I go then you can be safe our son can be safe.”

Ajax kisses the top of your head, “I love you. I always will but you’re not safe with me.”

“But it doesn’t matter! We can get through it… Ajax i can’t do this without you.” Your tears are freely streaming down my cheeks. Your voice breaks and you stare up at Ajax with a blurry vision.

You break Ajax. How you whisper to him, how desperate you look for him to just stay.

Your words do what Ajax’s resolve couldn’t. Ajax hugs you tightly, refusing to let go. He doesn’t want to do this, he doesn’t want to leave you.

But the world is a cruel place, and Ajax knows how much a burden he could be to you and your guys’ son.

The two of you are his everything.

Yet his words still taste like poison in his mouth.

Ajax kisses you. Slowly, gently, tasting every inch of your lips. His lips taste like salt from his tears, and the kiss holds no desire or lust.

Instead, his kisses are soft, sweet, and desperate.

He doesn’t want to go.

He refuses to.

But his kisses tell you that as much as his words refuse to, he might have to.

He knows the pain he’s about to cause, but he can’t bear causing more. So even if it physically hurts him to leave, he has to.

“I love you,” Ajax whispers. “I love you more than anything. I never want to leave you.”

“But, I have to.”

Ajax walks to the crib. He picks up the now crying baby and rocks him gently. He wipes away the baby’s tears as he continues speaking to the baby.

“Darling, listen to me, listen to me. You’re going to be okay, okay? I love you very very much, very very much and that will never change. Daddy will always love you, okay?”

He speaks through tears to his baby son. His words are strained but the emotion he feels is raw and honest.

Ajax looks back at you, wanting more than anything to kiss you one last time but knowing he would never be able to leave if he did.

With a final kiss on his son’s cheek, Ajax sets his baby down in the crib. He looks at you once more. There is a pleading in your eyes. In your eyes, he can see how much this is hurting you.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

He’s about to leave.

Ajax looks at you one last time. He swallows hard, taking in every last detail of you. Your eyes. The shape of your lips. Your hair. In the darkness of night, he can see the stains of tears against your cheeks.

He knows he won’t see you again for a very long time, and his heart is breaking. The pain of letting go and the pain of holding on are tearing him apart. But he has to go.

Ajax backs towards the door.

And right before he opens it, he turns.

“Goodbye, darling. I love you.”

Ajax’s voice is thick as if he’s trying to fight off tears once more. He won’t win this fight. He can never win this fight, not against you. Not against your eyes, your lips, your love for him and him for you.

He leaves, shutting the door after him. It isn’t long before you hear the sound of footsteps on grass and then silence.

He’s gone. And you’re on your own.

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

#💤 . . . ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 (᎑ ᎑) #💤 . . . library #childe #tartaglia #childe x reader #childe angst #genshin x reader #genshin angst #genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact angst #i am emotionly unstable bcs of this btw #genshin impact childe #genshin impact imagines #no fluff only suffer :3 #原神

[bandtrees]

ONE: ok guys here’s an arc about mob, in his growth as a person, being confronted with an ideology he’s unfamiliar with, and he has to learn from it but also understand why it’s unhealthy and bad to properly grow from it and choose kindness in the end, albeit in a more nuanced way than before, and this will make mob more able to confront later problems in the season that can’t be solved with mere kindness and require a deep understanding of loneliness and solitude, something he hasn’t had much room to speak on until now. To express mob being shown this villain’s ideology we have a sequence where we see how mogami views the world and by extension how he sees mob, by putting mob in the kind of sad fucked up world he thinks exists, but mob will overcome it with the knowledge that in the real world he has people he cares about and that even the people who make the world bad sometimes can change and nobody is a static evil and kindness and courage when you’re going through hardship goes a long way. despite the darkness this is ultimately a very uplifting experience for him and a show that life is always more than its darkest moments, and also how picking yourself up instead of wallowing in your own suffering and trauma is hard but a very courageous act and what makes mob stronger than mogami

mp100 fans with tunnel vision: Oh so mob was tortured for six months and is sad? He’s literally so sad and traumatized and nobody is talking about this?

#babbles #mp100 #decided to nab an old discord message for Post Purposes #BC i love mogami arc but god the Fandom Mogami Arc™️ where it’s all just #Evil Mogami Sad Mob Whump Look How Sad Why Aren’t We Talking About This!!! #makes me SEE RED. MY GOD #fandoms when characters experience trauma and get takeaways from it that aren’t looking into the camera to go #Wow That Was So Sad I Am Traumatized And Sad Now #I Am So Sad And Must Acknowledge My Trauma By Suffering And Never Growing #and of course coming back to one of my biggest fandom pet peeves which is viewing characters exclusively as People #like mob is so so so dear to me he’s one of my top ccs i care about him so so much #but he’s not a real child being bullied who needs like. counseling. his trauma served a purpose in the story and #dwelling on it was not that purpose!