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#bc i dont. want people worrying about m or being stressed bc of me
taehyungsgrowl · 4 years
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SFW Alphabet for Nate
I think I did it wrong last time bc I was waiting for people to send me letters when I was just supposed to go down the list. But I’m a dummy so disregard half of what I say.
i hope you guys like them and thank you virgo anon for the input w these 🥺i love our baby 🥺
Here we go:
A- Activity (What is their favorite activity to do with you.)
-- i think he likes doing new things w you. and i know that sounds cliche BUT hear me out. duncan is a bit of a home body 🥺loves to be curled up w reader sharing kissies and cuddling. nate enjoys that too but i think trying new adventures w you is his favorite. i can see him being the type to like hiking dates!! (also lets not forget the tik tok videos you guys make together )
B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship)
-- considering the beginning did start off as something kinda casual between him and reader, he kept it as such. but he’s such a natural charmer that even when he’s not trying, he just comes across as super sweet. they’d finish hooking up and he’d offer her to stay over or get them food (not bc he felt like he needed to but it’s just the kinda guy he is) i think he probably let his goofy side out right at the beginning as well. its what helped y/n open up to him and feel at ease w him 🥺
C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)
-- big sigh. nate? was the KING of communication!! hell! he was able to talk to duncan (who ISNT the best at communicating) when they weren’t even friends and helped him talk to dumb!reader. plus he’d always been open about his feelings. told y/n right away when he knew he was in love. (i only say he WAS bc he should have told y/n he was struggling before he ended up in the hospital 🥺)
D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk)
-- koala bear cuddly drunk!! not just between him and reader! but he will love on anyone! (omg.. you know dunc was a little 😳when drunk!bro!nate started hugging him... hiding his face in duncs neck... telling he smells good... telling him how much he loves him... bros 👯‍♂️)
E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? You get hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..)
— oh god. nate is the type to keep cool and collected in an emergency - even if he were the one having an emergency 🥺 like if reader would’ve been w him during his car accident, she would have been worried sick over him and he’d just be like, “hey, look at me. i’m okay, yeah? a lot stronger than i look, babe.” even if it hurt like hell because he doesn’t wanna worry her. if you were in an emergency or got hurt, he’d go into sexy doctor mode. “tell me where it hurts.” squeezing your hand to reassure you, “i got you.” also kissies where it hurts 🥺 and he’s such a good listener too wow we have no choice but to simp.
F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with)
-- i’m just gonna share one head canon that virgo anon tossed at me that really made me 🥺 baby nate 🥺 and how when he was younger he was always a nice boy 🥺 but wasnt the popular or “hot” one until he grew into himself in college 🥺 when he got maxie and it helped him manage his stress enough to be able to make connections 🥺y’all when she said that it made me heart 🥺 my sweet boy
G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)
-- i think his gifts are rarely “over the top” but !! they’re simple and personalized!!! like a lil necklace w his initials / name 🥺or maybe he has someone make a picture of you two into an animation? like have someone draw you guys (do u know what im talking about?) as far as gifts for him, he enjoys like “interactive gifts” like sending him on a lil scavenger hunt (nate loves setting them up for you too 🥺) but if you set one up for HIM? god! he’d love you!
H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle)
-- nate loves! loves! to give forehead kissies (not just because he’s tall fjhsjh) and being hugged (or picked up) in his strong arms!! loves it!! he loves being the big spoon 🥺i love him. 
I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)
-- that reader continues to choose duncan over him fkjsvsfkv he wears his heart on his sleeve so i think when nate is upset or irritated... you know. 
J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)
-- does nate have more $ than the shepherds? debatable. but he isn’t as... flashy w his money as duncan is. he’s a little more down to earth if that makes sense. BUT thats besides the point. he’d probably donate a lot to a charity of his choice than take you on a little get away. maybe a cross country road trip 🥺 or off to an island getaway. he’s flexible. 
K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)
-- virgo anon made me 🥺when we were talking about this bc nate would do anything for the people he loves and 🥺that gets him hurt. especially when he feels like those people dont love him in the way he does them 🥺
L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?)
-- clown!! nate is the guy that always keeps you laughing 🥺and most times he cant even contain his own laughter omg i will cry im in love with one man
M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)
-- he’s a morning person 🥺 likes to start off his morning with a run and protein shake SMH fitness KING. 
N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)
-- he’s so used to being the one who’s needed 🥺 it takes him a while to be comfy being vulnerable and needy. idk if there’s anything in particular that sets him off to be like this - but i’d like to think it happens at random. like youre on the couch and he just nuzzles his face on your tummy for you to pet his hair. he demonstrates it by wanting to be close to you 🥺
O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)
-- i think he’d be the kinda guy that enjoys the sun (not just bc he looks hot, shirtless on a beach) but yes. somewhere nice and sunny where he could have maxie w him 🥺if he could stay on the beach where he started falling for dumb!reader (with her) for ever he would 🥺
P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when you are in pain?)
-- emotional or physical? jfgksjdgsdk but no i think if he’s well regulated, he can handle pain well - it’s when he’s not that it’s a problem (w emotional pain) he stops taking care of himself the way he should and really spirals into his head a lot you know 🥺i think he can handle others being in pain better than himself bc he loves a lot and its easier to focus his attention on trying to fix things for them (like we said his biggest weakness is doing too much for those he loves)
Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)
-- “loving is easy” fjskfsf not to be too corny but 🥺being w nate was easy... always on the same page.. and made her feel good. 🥺
R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing you after a long time of being apart)
-- lots!!! of kissies!! picking you up!! holding you close!!! physical touch is pretty high on his love language list i think 🥺(i think quality time or acts of service might be his top two though) 
S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)
-- i generally think duncan is more of a control freak than nate, but i do think to some extent, they’re similar that when things feel out of their control, it really stresses them out. i think it manifests at different times. i think for duncan its more trivial things whereas w nate, if he feels like he could be doing something to “fix” something and he cant do anything it freaks him out. hes a healer, you know. i think working out is a big stress reliever for him 🥺my strong baby!! that and goofing off w reader 🥺
T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)
-- this kinda ties into his weakness (and could be amplified by his younger years) but he’s afraid of not really being enough for those he loves. especially if he was teased as a kid 🥺maybe thats why in a lot of his nightmares the theme of abandonment appears a lot 🥺i made myself SAD 🥺
U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)
-- i asked virgo anon for help on this one 🥺and i love her so much 🥺 nate tugs on his hair when he’s nervous 🥺 he gets a lil annoyed after he buzzes it off and doesnt have much to pull on 🥺he likes to hold hands when spooning. loves to sing along to disney movies (but lets be honest, he’s the real prince KING)
V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)
-- well... idk if it’s fair to say he fights a lot because he tries not to resort to that - especially grad school nate. mostly because he knows he’s good at fighting. omfg... boxer!nate.... may have all my rights. and he doesn’t really wanna hurt anyone. BUT if needed!!! he will throw down. (ex. when dunc wouldnt let y/n leave the house. and then attacked him!! nate had to stand his ground 😌
W- Wow (What do you do that really surprises them? What do you do that they really like?)
-- idk i think nate was probably really surprised when reader gave him that second chance at friendship in the bathroom 🥺didnt think she would. on a lighter note, surprising him w fresh cooked meals always make him 🥺because... he’s trying but hasnt mastered the cooking thing yet.
X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)
-- he’s uhh packing 😳and it hits all the right spots, you know 😳omfg and lets not forget the dickscussion we had about his head game being stronger than duncans 😌
Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)
-- i wasnt sure what really grossed out medical professionals (if anything djsfs) but we kinda head canon for him to be into family / pediatric medicine so anything w LOTS of blood loss probably freaks him out 
Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without you)
-- my baby. nate has really bad night terrors especially on bad(tm) days. it usually helps to have someone w him to be able to keep him calm when he wakes up 🥺if its not y/n you can bet maxie will be there for tons of kissies. he’s a sleep talker 🥺and when sleeping w you he loves being big spoon 🥺and when he’s alone, he kinda sleeps curled up and w a lot of pillows. comfort KING
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I wasn’t joking at all like sometimes i get really sad and depressed because I’ve been crushing on him since i was 15 and now im 24 and i feel like I’ve daydreamed so much about him that I didn’t do so much in my life because of that. And sometimes i also get sad because the chances of me meeting him and really small and even if i did i get insecure because he wouldn’t find me interesting because im not a book or music or fashion nerd and dont have a cool job or whatever
ok so lowkey i have a lot to say about this because of recent personal experiences and i may sound completely crazy but WHO CARES
so i’ve always been a daydreamer. like my imagination? she be constant and i can never really turn her off. so when i started incorporating harry into it, i would imagine him in my regular life scenarios bc i am consistently bored with reality/my life and yes i should talk to a therapist ANYWAY i would/still do bring him into these scenarios and stuff and a few months ago i realized something. 
imagining him into these scenarios put me under this weird filter of the male gaze. like i would constantly put what he would think of me in this context first before i even gave myself the chance to put myself first. it’s such a weird thing to admit and honestly i’m a little embarrassed about it but once i realized it and just let myself be present in the moment (i was doing yoga outside with my closest friends) i felt pretty good. i still obviously daydream about him and i don’t think it’s such a bad thing. especially bc most of us do it to escape reality when things are stressful and bad or boring etc.
and i think it’s really selling yourself short to think you’re not interesting enough for him. first of all, you are definitely interesting. boring people do not worry about being interesting, i don’t think it even crosses their mind. 
secondly, i love harry. OBVIOUSLY. however, he’s still just a man and living our lives to be something that men think is interesting is SUCH a disservice to yourself. i don’t mean that in such an aggressive way bc obviously you can’t help what you’re feeling BUT whatever you’re interested in is completely valid. it doesn’t matter if it’s magic or swimming or training gerbils or whatever. even if harry doesn’t care about it, who gives a shit if it makes you happy? that’s all he would want anyway! i’m not trying to say you’re living your life for him because your obviously not but it’s your day dream, YOU GOTTA TAKE THE REINS MAMA! he would be LUCKY to have you if he ever had the chance. that goes for anyone who would want to be with you EVEN IF IT IS HARRY. yeah he’s fantastic and different from most men BUT IT STILL APPLIES. YOU ARE A TROPHY! YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AT HIM!!!!!!!
not to mention he’s a millionaire who gets to do whatever he wants because he can afford it. y’know like he’s not just trying to scrape together some weed money after he pays rent (like me).  like if i could afford to live as he does??? i would be the COOLEST BITCH ALIVE! and i already am the second coolest bitch alive. 
this is really just turning into a rant and i feel like no one has read this far which is fine because i;m mostly just writing this for myself maybe anyway
we all have our own personal relationships to him and personal meanings associated with him. you can make it into whatever you want. you have that power and you always will. harry is supposed to be something that brings you joy and if its not doing that, talk to someone or go for a walk, even if you think about him the whole time that’s okay. just give yourself a break, you’re doing the best you can!!!!!!
if you ever want to talk, i’m here ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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shakespearean-tc · 5 years
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Last day of school post?
Originally posted July 3rd, 2019 Ok so i guess it wasnt my official last dayof school but it was like a month ago and i decided to,,, talk about it??? since i never did and it was literally like ugh my heART this is basically more stuff about A so if you arent interested ignore this post
So,,, the last day that i really went to school was this thing that ,,,, idk if other schools do it but its lagoon day where the seniors go to Lagoon and like half the teachers go to chaperone, right??? So i got there early because I always get to school early and I saw a familiar mess of brown hair and i just got hype??? My heart practically did the happy emote and he turned around and smiled really big and he was like “M!!!! Hi!” and he waved and stuff then he went up the stairs because he was heading to the class he was subbing for (that was before class)
Later my friends came to school and i was just kinda sitting there being a dork and daydreaming and then i was like “OH YEAH A is here!!!” and my theatre friend was really happy yknow and we jsut talked for a while and i was like “man i wish he was subbing for my french teacher, but i know hes not because she didnt hire a substitue because she knew like no one would come” and so i got a little sad but yknow i knew id see him at lunch and stuff
well the bell rang and i headed up stairs to the french room and it was empty from what i saw so i popped my head in and GUESS WHO WAS SITTING AT THE DESK
YUP YOU GUESSED IT
So i played it cool because i can totally do that yknow and just kinda leaned against the doorframe and i was like “well, fancy seeing you here.” and he looked up and smiled again and laughed and he was like “are you following me?” and i laughed and sat down in my desk and i asked him how he was etc etc and we jsut talked for a while until the bell rang signaling that class was to start but??? no one walked in??? and so i was talking to him when two of my friends walked in and stuff and so we just?? sat and played cards all period long?? i say this but we actually (A and I) broke into song because I mentioned this musical I really love (Hadestown) and A kinda stared at me for a minute and his eyes went wide and the conversation went as such:
A: “Wait, you like Hadestown?” Me: “Yeah? I LOVE Hadestown.” A: “I… I love Hadestown too! I just didn’t know that anyone liked it.” Me: “Okay, wait- What’s your favorite song?” A: “Well, Way Down Hadestown is SUPER great, but the one I really love is Wait for Me or Hey, Little Songbird. I wish I had Patrick Page’s voice. What about you?” Me: “Hey, Little Songbird is literally one of my favorites. Also same?? I wish I could sing as good as anyone in the cast.” A: *he smiled and started singing it (his vocal range is tenor so he hiked up the key and we changed the tune a bit because yes)*
So we literally ran around the room singing Hey, Little Songbird and like, 17 other songs from miscellaneous musicals. My other friends joined in too and it was so much fun
Obviously, we were still in school, and so that class period had to end ;-; I had Physics next and I was whining to him how I really didn’t want to go. He turned to me and said “Listen. You’ve gotta go to class M. If you actually get permission from your teacher to come back, then fine. But I don’t want you to skip class because you missed me.” I agreed, begrudgingly and headed to Physics, which was literally across the hall.
I went in talked to my teacher and was back in the french room in like under 15 minutes
The classroom was empty and he was just sitting at the teachers desk playing pokemon on his frigging nintendo ds and i laughed and he looked up and was like “oh hey, i didnt think you’d be back” i told him my physics teacher told me i could leave since,,, she doesnt really like me and i had already done everything i needed to do like fr its the end of the school year why would she want me to hang out in her class for an hour???
anyway i hopped up onto the table and we just,,, talked??? about everything??
I told him I was super bummed about school ending and not being able to go to Drama class everyday. He told me he was worried because him and his girlfriend were having a lot of issues lately and he was struggling with knowing to stick it out or just break it off. I told him that I was not gonna influence his decision whatsoever, but that whatever he chose,,, he needed to keep in mind that HIS mental and physical health was the most important at this point. We eventually brushed that subject away because I told him I would be of no help at all bc,,, ive like never been in a healthy relationship so i didnt know what was right and what was wrong - i dont remember how but i think he asked me how class was going and what classes i was going to be happy to be done with and i was like “hOOOO BOI HISTORY CLASS fOR SURE” and he kinda laughed and was like,,, “what why”
and i just weNT OFF telling him how trashy of a class it was and that no one would pay attention and that my teacher would always rant about democrats and liberals and just say all this garbage about how trashy immigrants were and etc etc and he just sighed and he apologised that i had to deal with a teacher like that and we started to talk about some prick in that class that went off about how rape isnt rape if she doesnt outright say no
me and A just,,, bonded over mutual disgust for this kid haha
anyway after that i just kinda,,, decided to lay down on the table bc i was tired and i kinda sighed and stared at the ceiling. I think A could tell something was up with me because he asked me what was wrong and I kinda gave him a “nothing is wrong im fine” kinda mumbled response. of course this is A and he obviously knew i was lying so he asked me again and i jsut kinda started to choke up and I sat up with tears in my eyes. Immediately he was like, “Omg what’s the matter whats up” and I just,, broke down and told him I was super worried about my friend who he knows as well. I told him that I was stressed and that I felt like our friendship was mostly one sided. That I was just there because… I was the one that put everything into our friendship and instead of her giving AND taking as well, it was just her taking and taking and i was left in the dust. I basically poured my heart out to him and told him that I didn’t want to break things off because I didn’t want to hurt her but I told him that my mental health was suffering gREATLY. Of course, he took my advice and shoved it back into my face. It went something like this,,, A: “You need to take care of yourself. You. Come. First. You put everyone else before you, and that’s such an admirable trait, but you need to take care of yourself as well. Your mental health is in danger because you refuse to put yourself first. And you need to. At least, every once in a while. Anyone is lucky to have you care so deeply for them, but… you need to step back and be selfish for a while.” (I kind of flinched when he said selfish, because I have a big issue with that word, and I guess he noticed) “Why do you- You don’t like that word. Selfish. You don’t like it, do you?” Me: “I just… I’ve been called selfish a lot by my family and past friends and romantic… partners…? I don’t like it at all.” A: “You? Selfish?” *he laughs* “Bull. You’re one of, if not THE most selfless people I know. Listen to me. It is OKAY to be selfish sometimes. Not all the time, yeah. But you need to take care of yourself.” Me: “I just… I love my friends so much that I… I’d rather that I be miserable and they be happy, because… then they’re happy. Y’know?” A: *he smiles, but I think it was kinda a sad smile because his eyes looked a little tearful* “M. You have a heart of gold.That’s rare nowadays. In my opinion, it’s a blessing and a curse. You just need to learn to take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.” The conversation kind of… fizzled out after that emotional,,, discussion but we did talk about college and I asked him a lot about being a student teacher. The bell rang, we said goodbye and??? That was really it? I visited him at lunch and we ate and talked a lot more because I had a bunch of questions about college (i’ve been thinking about going to the same college that he is because they have a really good teaching program) but that was,,, pretty much it. School’s been over for a while and I just asjdfajf i miss him a lot this post was so  long super super sorry haha have a good day i guess??? end of the post??? how do i finish this whatever goodbye yall haha
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personagf-moved · 5 years
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alphabet & soft questions ✨
I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf
i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘
honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily
Alphabet ask:
a // age: 21
b // birthplace: new jersey!
c // current time: 1:17 am
d // drink you had last: coffee
e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool
f // favorite songs: 
aint it fun - paramore
trivia love 
honey - kehlani
abbey - mitski
moonlight - ariana grande
g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 
h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 
i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man
j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess
k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)
l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 
m // middle name: padilla
n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)
o // one wish: to find true love
p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol
q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)
r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf
s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(
t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 
u // underwear colour: she be black 
v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/
w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 
x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o
y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby
z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 
Soft ask:
What’s the smell of your shampoo?
we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes
What’s your aesthetic?
the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 
What’s your favorite time of the day and why?
lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 
What do you most like about the beach?
not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!
What do you worry about constantly?
when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!
What is a song you’ve cried to before?
oh boy...
trivia love
moonchild
first love
she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack
20 something - sza
26 - paramore
the letter - kehlani
landslide - fleetwood mac
when you see my friends - mayday parade
and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart
What are some relaxing tips for your followers?
as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 
but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)
 What are some things that make you tear up?
the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy
What is your favorite from each sense?
sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh
smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn
taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning
sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise
touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair
What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?
one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should
jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am
What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?
for starters im ugly as shit so theres one
if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 
but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out
What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?
unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  
Say something to your followers:
thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!
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caelystrae · 5 years
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And It’s Hard to Love
im dying bc i scrapped my original fic i wrote today bc i didnt like it... wrote a whole new one... and still dont know if i like it... but the day is over so i gotta post what i have LMAO
anyway.  @letanafuck week day 3.  love/hate.  mostly love, from me
ao3
Pairing: Anamercy
Rating: M
Words: 3.5k
Maybe that is why Ana is afraid, when Angela says I love you, because once, she might have been falling in love with Angela, might even have begun to consider what that would mean for the both of them to talk about their relationship openly, despite the consequences, to refuse propositions not because there was someone else already meeting her needs adequately, and breaking in new lovers could be a hassle, but because she only wanted one person—and despite beginning to feel that way, things between them still soured, were victim to the outside stresses of Overwatch’s collapse, until rather than feeling comfortable, Ana felt trapped. It scares her, to think that she could have loved Angela, then, and still run, and terrifies her to think that it might happen again.
Or,
Angela accidentally says "I love you" during sex, and Ana is not at all prepared to deal with that.
In her life, Ana has known war, but she has rarely experienced peace, she has known freedom, but rarely seen justice, and she has known hate, but she does not know, not for certain, if she has ever felt love.  Of course, she loves her daughter, loves her friends, loves her duty, her country, her people—but that is not the same as feeling romantic love, not at all, and Ana is content with that, with what she has had, does not think that she needs to ever be in love with someone to be happy with the life she has led, the things she has accomplished.  Out of all of her regrets, never having been in love is not worth even mentioning.
Most of Ana’s relationships have been purely physical, because she alternately lacks the time, the desire, or the stability to search for love.  While she acknowledges that there have been a few exceptions, they have been relationships built on friendship, or admiration, not love.  Sam was such a one, and for a time she believed Angela was another—and now, she must face that that is not necessarily the case.
Coming back from the dead changed many things, but it was only the catalyst for a change that was a long time coming before her death, that continues even now that she is four months returned.
Perhaps it would be an overstatement to say that, in the years before her death, she and Angela admired each other; it was admiration that brought them to one another, yes, recognition of some kindred spirit, a mutual drive, a need to protect and a willingness to do so by whatever means they deemed necessary, but that did not last.  Towards the end of their time together, towards the end of Overwatch, towards the end of Ana, or the Ana who was never the Shrike, they fought more often than not, found that agreeing to do whatever was necessary only went so far, when the two of them disagreed on what, in fact, was a necessity, and Ana struggles when thinking of the things that they said to one another, that they must have thought about one another, to say that she felt admiration, or that Angela could have felt the same.
She never hated Angela, this much Ana knows, but sometimes, sometimes she was afraid that she might grow to.  
When they fought, they never held anything back—perhaps because of the admiration they felt for one another, in the early days, because they knew the other could take hearing what it was they were to say, or perhaps because their arguments were complicated by other feelings, ones they chose not to give voice to—and Ana winces, now, remembering the things the two of them said to one another.  It was a stressful time, Overwatch’s fall, for the both of them, made harder still that they both felt increasingly isolated and embattled in their respective positions, between the development of the Biotic Rifle and Jack and Gabe’s decision to slowly freeze Ana out of the chain of command, but that stress could not excuse the things they both allowed themselves to say, and it is not an easy time for Ana to remember.
(Ana feels similarly about the breakdown in her relationship with her daughter, but that was easy to make sense of, after the fact, and she knows, now, where the two of them stand, even if it is not always easy between them.  They had blood and a lifetime of love between them; the same cannot be said for how she feels about Angela.)
To say, therefore, that Angela’s response to her return was unexpected, then, would be an understatement.
What Ana expected, upon her return, was anger, was betrayal, was a condemnation.  Instead, she received none of those things—or, she did, eventually, in conversations about the rifle, about her leaving, but never were they such simple feelings from Angela, and never were the conversations themselves as fraught as the ones from seven years before.  It is impossible to judge for Ana, what it is that Angela is feeling, when she voices her betrayal at Ana for having had the audacity to die on her, only to come back as if nothing had happened, because Ana knows that Angela ought to be furious with her, would have said things meant to hurt, if this happened years ago, and instead she is also unmistakably relieved by Ana’s returning, and that relief tempers her anger.
This, in turn, ought to make Ana happy, she ought to be relieved at this turn of events, by the fact that, somehow, they have both of them changed, and grown, and returned to one another more able, or perhaps more willing, to disagree, and to set those disagreements aside, in order to be happy together, or as close to it as they can come.  What Ana feels, instead of relief, is worry. Nothing in her life has ever been so simple, and the lack of a clean resolution to their prior conflicts, the lack of confirmation that that is behind them, the unaddressed feelings and hurts, they haunt her.
Angela says she loves her.  
What to make of that?  It is the opposite reaction from what Ana expected, upon returning, and Ana is not sure that she would be able to believe it, even were that not the case.  How could Angela love her?  After she left, died, Angela’s greatest fear, after she betrayed her lover, taking the Biotic Rifle with her, despite knowing that it represented the greatest perversion of Angela’s life’s work, after what she said to Angela, how could Angela love her?
How could Angela love her, when she struggles to love herself?  Knowing what she has done in the name of duty—what of that she regrets, what of that was not truly necessary, and having seen the nastier parts of herself, knowing whom she truly is: a killer, and not a protector.  There is little enough of her left to love, anyway, after what happened, after her death and the Shrike.  How could anyone love her?
How could Angela love her, when seven years ago they could hardly speak to one another, were too often too angry to be civil, and were avoiding each other more often than not, lest they begin another argument, unable for the first time to set professional differences apart for the sake of their relationship—whatever one might have defined it as?  
(Perhaps, if she asked Angela, Angela might tell her that she felt love, even then, and that is why the perceived betrayal of the development of the Biotic Rifle hurt her so much.  Perhaps she might try to convince Ana that Ana, too, loved her, and that was why Ana was willing to argue about it at all, rather than simply dismissing her disagreement, wanting instead for Angela to come to approve or, at the least, not be angry with her any longer for what she had chosen to do. Perhaps she might claim that Ana’s death put the issue into perspective for her, and she realized that she had feelings all along.  Perhaps—it does not matter.)
Ana worries about what it would mean to love Angela, given that there is still so much between them unsaid, unresolved. One of the reasons why the idea of being in love has never appealed to Ana is that its seems terribly complicated, and her life is difficult enough already without such added concerns, and their situation has more unique challenges than most.
Yet, despite all of this, there are times when loving Angela seems like it could be so very easy to do.  
When she wakes in the morning to find Angela curled around her, and her lover kisses her temple in lieu of a greeting before slipping out of bed to prepare for the day, she wonders what it might be like to wake to this every morning, thinks it might be worth suffering Angela kicking the blankets off of both of them in her sleep.  Perhaps that is not love, but it is a desire for permanence, one she could not imagine herself feeling seven years ago when all she wanted was to run.
When Angela glances around the common room nervously to ensure they are alone before shifting closer to Ana on the couch, and wrapping their hands around one another, Ana considers for the first time whether or not it would be so terrible to allow others to see them like this, despite the uncomfortable questions it might invite about the nature of their relationship before Overwatch fell.  This, too, might not be love, but it is a growing comfort with casual intimacy that Ana might once have avoided, for fear of what it might mean.
When they find themselves where they are now, Angela straddling her thighs in a position that allows them both to, with a bit of awkward bumping into one another at first, reach down and touch each other simultaneously, all the while maintaining eye contact and kissing one another as they please, Ana wonders what lead them to this point.
Their relationship was never meant to last, was not—is not—a relationship, was meant to be a casual mutual pursuit of much needed stress relief, an exchange of power and of favors.  When one of them had a particularly rough day, they could meet one another by cover of darkness and—deal with the problem, in their own way, Angela allowing Ana to once again feel in control of her life and its circumstances, and Ana freeing Angela from that same burden; that is not the basis for love, or was never meant to be.  Over time, things shifted, grew more complicated, until even meeting with Angela felt stressful, and all Ana wanted was to get away from everyone, herself included, to be free of all of her obligations, even caring for her lover, and yet, here she is, one of Angela’s lips pressed to hers, and two of her fingers inside her erstwhile lover.  
(Maybe that is why Ana is afraid, when Angela says I love you, because once, she might have been falling in love with Angela, might even have begun to consider what that would mean for the both of them, to talk about their relationship openly, despite the consequences, to refuse propositions not because there was someone else already meeting her needs adequately, and breaking in new lovers could be a hassle, but because she only wanted one person—and despite beginning to feel that way, things between them still soured, were victim to the outside stresses of Overwatch’s collapse, until rather than feeling comfortable, Ana felt trapped.  It scares her, to think that she could have loved Angela, then, and still ran, and terrifies her to think that it might happen again.)
But this is not complicated, not really, not if she focuses on the details, the way that, when she presses her thumb down on Angela’s clit, Angela gasps against her mouth, and rolls her hips into the touch, or the scent of Angela’s shampoo—not sweet, or heady, just clean, a product selected for its ability to make the curls in her hair loosen to waves, and not for its scent—which surrounds her, as Angela’s bangs fall across both of their faces, hiding the world from Ana’s view as they cover her one good eye, or the way Angela is so in tune with what she needs, what she wants, all the ways in which Ana likes to be touched.
It feels good, to be like this, inside each other, surrounding each other, all wrapped up together.  How could this be a bad thing?  
(How could the gentle pressure of Angela’s free arm draped across her shoulder feel like it is trapping her?  Could this change, again, back from what they have now to the pain and difficulty of seven years previous?)
She is pulled from her thoughts when Angela moves her mouth next to Ana’s ear, panting into it as she whispers encouragements, praise, pleas, anything and everything that comes to her mind and which might convince Ana to let her come faster.  
Some of the things she says are gentle, Perfect, and So beautiful, and You’re so good to me, others are demanding, Harder, and Stay there, and More, please, more, and others are nonsense, little pleased noises of all sorts, and all of them are sufficient to drive any trepidation from Ana’s mind.
(This could not be the same voice that accused Ana of using her, of having slept with her only to ensure that she would stay with Overwatch long enough to let her guard down, and allow her technology to be exploited.)
Years ago, sex between them might have been carefully scripted, an exchange of power and little more, in which both of them kept carefully to their roles, so as not to disturb the delicate balance of their arrangement, to rip the thin veil of pretense that allowed them to carry on pretending that what they had was nothing more than the two of them fucking a few times a month—but now Angela gives as good as she gets, pulls back slightly from Ana’s fingers, shuddering, when she notices herself approaching climax just a tad too quickly, and focuses more on Ana’s pleasure for a minute or two, until she feels they are both equally aroused.  
Even though Ana knows she does not particularly like to do it—and therefore never demands it of her lover—Angela slides a finger inside Ana, and then another shortly thereafter, only because she knows it will help Ana to come faster, and make the inevitable orgasm more pleasurable when it does come.
(Once, Ana called her the most selfish person she had ever had the misfortune to encounter in her fifty-three years of living, because Angela placed her own morals over Ana’s, refused to allow her technology to be weaponized despite how useful it would be, in the right hands, how many lives would potentially be saved by killing the right people with it, because she would not take those losses on her conscience—Ana regrets saying that, now, regretted it immediately, in truth, and she wonders how the woman who is so generous a lover to her could ever have seemed so callous, where they went wrong that such a statement could even for a moment have felt true.)
When Ana moves her free hand to cup one of Angela’s breast, she can feel the hammering of her heart, and notes that it matches her own, and when she pants, Angela gasps in time, as if they were connected in more ways than the sweat sticking their skin together, or by the feeling of being inside one another.
Both of them are close now, Ana knows, can feel her own orgasm approaching as she struggles to keep her movements against Angela’s fingers steady, and knows that Angela will come soon from the quaking of her thighs on top of Ana’s own, and the way her speech has fallen to the wayside, replaced only by little noises and the occasional plea, Yes, Ana, please panted out one word at a time.
(It is hard to believe, now, how distant she felt they were from one another, back then, is harder still to recall a time when, before the arguing, they were ever so close as they are in this moment.  At least Angela’s begging is familiar, but even it has changed in tone, from desperation to some other emotion Ana cannot immediately name.)
It is Angela who comes first, in the end, set off by nothing in particular that Ana can identify, but her lover does not stop, throughout it all, moving against her, and so when she catches the I love you that tumbles from Angela’s mouth amongst so many other phrases, it coincides with the beginning of her own orgasm—and, to her surprise, does not negatively affect her enjoyment of the moment.
When she is finished, she allows herself to fall onto her back on the bed, but Angela does not follow suit, as she often does, stays sitting up, biting her lip nervously and looking down at Ana below.
Ana raises an eyebrow at her, before remembering that the effect is likely rather different now that she only has one good eye, and one full eyebrow—but Angela seems to understand.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Angela tells her, as if Ana had not heard her whisper the same over their call a few weeks prior, as if she had not murmured it in her native tongue before, as if Ana did not know how she felt.
“Did you not mean it?” Ana asks her, and Angela only looks more uncomfortable at the question.
“No,” says she, “Or, yes, or—or no, I did mean it?”  A pause. “I meant it, I just—didn’t mean to say it like that, or just now, or when we were—”
“Angela,” Ana cuts her off, propping herself up on her elbows, “Calm down.  It’s fine.”
“Is it?” Angela asks her, and Ana hesitates, then.
Hesitation is a fatal mistake; she learned that when she faced Widowmaker for the first time.  In the moment Ana takes to consider the question, Angela crumbles before her.
“I’m sorry,” says she, “I can go.”
“Don’t,” Ana tells her, and Angela, already halfway off of the bed, freezes, “I’m not angry—I just need time to think about this.”
(A lie, Ana has had plenty of time, has thought about this often in the months since her return, about what she would say when this moment comes—and still, she has not decided.  Time is not what she needs, but she could not say what it is that might be of more help to her.)
Angela does not say anything, but she does not move further away, either, stays awkwardly half on and half off of the bed.
“Sit down,” she says, and Angela does, but only at the very edge of the bed, carefully avoiding touching Ana, “You don’t have to go anywhere.”
“If you’re sure,” Angela is still cautious, still guarded.
“I am,” Ana says, and considers, for a moment, lying and saying that everything is fine, that she was just surprised, and telling Angela to come lie with her—but she knows it would do them no good.  Instead, she forces herself to be honest, “I’m not, however, sure about my feelings.  I don’t know,” she pauses again, thinks about how to phrase this, settles on, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to say the same, but you feeling that way isn’t a bad thing, Angela.”
(Very carefully, she avoids saying the word love entirely, not wanting to give any false hope.)
“You’re certain?” Angela asks her, “It doesn’t make you uncomfortable
“It didn’t in the moment,” Ana decides to be honest as possible, “Which was, of course, satisfying as ever,” she winks as she says that, as best as she can, and hopes that a bit of levity will ease the tension.
It does, because Angela gives a little laugh, half nervous but half amused, and relaxes her posture somewhat, saying, “Yes, well, I obviously enjoyed myself a little too much.”
“Hmm,” Ana gestures her over, “Better than not enough. Now come lie down, we’re too old to be so active after sex.”  That is mostly said in jest, given the lifestyle they lead, but Ana is tired, if not from physical exertion.
“Alright,” Angela acquiesces, and she is perhaps more hesitant than usual when curling herself around Ana, but she does so—and Ana remembers, suddenly, that neither of them had time to wipe their hands off before this conversation began, and she fights the urge to remark upon it when Angela’s decidedly sticky fingers come to rest on her hip.  A bit of discomfort is worth it, to be able to fall asleep in her lover’s arms, to know that despite all her shortcomings, and all that has happened in her life, she is cared for—even loved.
She fears, still, what it would mean to love Angela, fears that they might grow to hate one another, or that she might not be able to cope with being tied down, that their love would die, and she would be worse off for having allowed herself to be vulnerable, in the name of something that could not last.
(Hesitation is a fatal mistake; she learned that when Widowmaker shot her—but she lived nonetheless, and learned, then, that some things are too stubborn to kill.)
But it is all a worry for another day; for now, she is at peace.
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mrfreezebug · 6 years
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Idk I’ve mentioned a few shitty exes in passing before. But I never go into detail. And idk man due to recent events I’m just gonna vent a little bit about a piece of emmett dating history. CW: Bad bad bad relationship things  tl;dr tl;dr tl;dr  s orry if you’re on mobile 
So like YEARS AGO I got technically broken up with 3 times over a three month period which resulted in me being stoned out of my mind for three weeks straight and shit faced when i wasn’t up all up there. I just felt horrible. And through all that... I managed to meet someone who seemed super chill, fun, and nice and junk. And while we were casually seeing each other I got to meet new people and swing with them a lil. It was super therapeutic and they seemed so open minded and like they knew themselves so well... and I was still so lonely that I thought even though I didn’t have feelings yet I admired the FUCK out of them in the moment and thought i could grow to really like them?? We talked about it a lot and they sounded super understanding. Even though they constantly asked if I was ready they kept telling me they wanted "easy” as much as I did... But once I let go of my apprehensions of getting with them officially...  It turned out to be a big mistake. SO shit happened and once we became official the person who I was seeing before who ghosted suddenly messaged me bein all “sorry babe” and I was all: “I gotta tell u something” And so I told them I was seeing someone else on accounta how they just ditched me for a month with no response. And they asked me who And I told them And they told me to get the fuck out that they were a trash person. They also guilted me for moving on. “I leave for a week and you’re already on to someone else??” like R U K I D D I N G M E and I thought they were just being a salty jealous piece of bitch so I told them to chill. But they wanted closure and I’m nice so I said ok to meeting up in person. But the person I was seeing currently said they feared for my safety and that I’d cheat on them with that person. (Needless 2say they did not like eachother) And I was just??? “I wouldn’t cheat and what sorta safety concerns r there” And they were all “they’ll rape you or something and I don’t want to date someone who puts themself in the position to be raped” That was a pretty big red flag lmfao.
I should have just told both them to fuck off then but Ive never learned to really just leave anyone like that before. Im way better at it now but before I didn’t want to break ties with the only person who seemed to want to be around me and make me happy at that moment... so I just ignored that gross comment and I just told the other person we couldn’t meet.
But sure enough that weird kinda controlling situation turned into 8months of a hellish relationship where they were just SCREAMING at me for EVERYTHING. Like they literally screamed all the time. There were more times I was being yelled at than not??? Other people often told them to even calm the fuck down in public. It was wild. The screaming bullshit got to the point where THEIR friends came to me to see if I was okay. They’d literally sit me down and ask me if they physically harmed me. Which, they didn’t but there were threats surrounding every time I forgot something or messed something up. Nothing like serious but, honestly? Who for real who says “it makes me want to smack you when you can’t remember basic things.” Thinking back to this rn is so shocking to me. Idk man.
A few times they would get way too into my face and I’d have to physically shove them away because it was too intense. Just yelling. Right in my face. I can’t even remember why they were yelling. They were just always over reacting over something small I did. It all blurred together at some point. I just know I was always either zoned the fuck out or crying.  They also would often brag about being able to make people cry also. Like “I can make anyone cry. I know what to say to I get to people the most.” And it’s fucking gross, as well as a common thing I’d run into with other friends n shit. Idk why controlling people always end up with my wimpy ass. BuT ANYWAY I also couldn’t use my computer, go to conventions, or see friends without dealing with their controlling ass. So that was also a bag of shit. My life was fucking MISERABLE Talking to them only got me so far. Like five minutes of potential mutual clarity in any situation before they’d go on a rant about their problems and it’d basically end with me saying sorry with no progress. And I was still so soft spoken then when I tried twice to break up w/them it failed. It makes me want to go back and SHAKE MYSELF like why did I put myself through that for THAT MANY MONTHS???  Another kicker: similar to my experiences with other partners I was coerced into sexual situations probably every other week tops?? By threatening to break up with me, or tell me that I suck as a partner, telling me I make them feel ugly, etc… shits fucking weird like here I was crying like 9/10 times they guilted me for not wanting sex, my face is fucking UGLY and they still wanted it?? SHIT MAN. I cried during sex a lot. It fucks with me to this day. My initial instinct is to be too afraid to say no to sex.
But they actually ended up breaking up with me bc I went to go hang out with a friend and not tell them. It was probably more of a threat to try to control me but I saw that opening and booked it so far away, man I went to Denny’s that night for the first time without worrying about upsetting them for not answering their texts right away. I actually felt BAD that I didn’t care tho?? It was dumb but this thing is still a bit of a problem for me. Even if logically they deserve to feel bad, I feel horrible for hurting anyones feelings. They seemed WAY torn up about the break up. I made some empty promises like an idiot. Telling them I’d see how I felt if they worked on their anger issues and shit. It was so fucked up when I was alone with them I felt so bad for them. I felt like I really hurt them or that I owed them something for the times they were nice to me and paid for my shit and whatnot. I also have trouble staying mad. I always just forgive and wanna move on. So we’d actually meet up with peeps at gay events n what not, I was friends with their friends at this point and I didn’t want to rock the boat with anyone even when they tried getting me back at the most random times. But I’m hella distant from people in general. It gets me into trouble with people I genuinely used to like let alone with people who stress me out lmao So they’d send me paragraphs of friendship break ups and delete me from everything then message me and try to readd me again and then get upset again that I don’t “check in on them” how “I don’t care about anyone but myself” and just all around stress me the fuck out. I just have a hard time checking in on people bc of various reasons. I’m working on my self confidence for it. And I don’t want to make people stay if that bothers them. So I just kinda let them come and go but the constant confrontation is STRESSFUL. It makes it harder to check in on anyone who pulls that shit tbh.
And NOW they’re trying to do it again after a few years and like I feel BAD again and like I should be over everything tbh it was YEARS AGO BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO CARE ANYMORE.  IM KINDA PATHETIC T H E   E N D
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wildgeese2017 · 3 years
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i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.
i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.
people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul. 
i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche  
i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.
as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.
is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.
one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.
everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now. 
i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking  her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.
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subdivisi0ns · 6 years
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tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗
psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you
1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?
that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some
-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e
-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.
-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)
-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot
ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On
2. What’s your ideal self like?
. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity
well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.
but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.
um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.
ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie
3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?
my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)
4. What’s your main outlet of expression?
writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am
5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?
uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.
6. Do you like to go shopping?
depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.
7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?
i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down
8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?
i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house
9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?
everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great
oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo
also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff
10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?
shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).
okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys
haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions
1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?
2. how important is your social media presence to you?
3. what achievement are you proudest of?
4. describe your sense of humor.
5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?
6. what’s your most interesting family story?
7. favorite color palette?
8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?
9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?
10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?
i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry
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ts-akhmim · 4 years
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Episode 3 | “It does not look good for our tribe. Honestly, we suck... Really bad. ” - Duncan
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The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks
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Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 
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Wow we’re really flopping this challenge huh! I really hate this as a group challenge bc we wasted so much time believing in an algorithm that doesn’t even work! 
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okay so i again filmed a video confessional while walking the dog which i WILL eventually upload i promise hosts BUT. this challenge was literally torture, staring at the excel spreadsheet was so draining. TJ did so much work for it so I really really hope we win he is so sweet i was real mean to him at the start for truly no reason NNN i really really want the beauty tribe to go to to tribal, or the brains lot again i guess? i dont really wanna go to tribal even though i think Liam M is the easy vote? i'd rather not. i just feel really drained after that challenge i wish this confessional was even a little bit exciting im sorry hosts
i feel like i underappreciated dan as an ally?! the more i talk to him its like hmmm we vibe and we have similar energy? like i get very different but good energies from all of dan, jake and jordan! which i love, like i feel really good about them all. like what's reassuring about dan (and this sounds weird) is he feels fine complaining about others to me in pms? like jake does the same and that makes me feel really reassured trust wise - like i would never talk negatively about another player to someone i distrusted tbh... so i feel really good about that! i feel like particularly in a maybe swap i'll really bond with whoever i get to swap with even MORE. idk i just feel good about this brawn tribe still i don't want to GOOO.
okay so yesterday was... eventful! i watched the sequester mini with jake which was super fun and then right after... he cracked the tomb and i decided to tell jake about my idol. have i had it since day two? yes. but i told him i found it during the mini so i wouldnt seem sus. i dont regret my decision (so far at least anyway JKASD) because a) he cracked the tomb and immediately told me b) i think he is loyal and particularly since i told him i can and will idol him like i dont think he has incentive to leak my idol unless it comes down to lategame and he wants to blindside me but i don't see myself being able to hold onto the idol until that stage anyway! but yeah so jake knows about my idol so i'm hoping i can use it to my benefit, or to save him because i'm really invested in his success this season. maybe we are gonna be the two brawns at the end woo and tony style even tho i think i'm probs the woo nnnnn
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Trace went home and that is yet another potential connection I could’ve had in the game GONE… like the Brains really wanna see me flop huh! It’s interesting that it was 4-2 vote tho like it has my overthinking self spiraling lowkey. I do really feel for the Brains having to lose twice though like I’ve been on a flop tribe before and morale is always low so my heart goes out to them and I hope they beat Brawn xoxo 
This challenge? Literal homophobia! Like I love unscrambled eggs and I want my eggs cracked by VARIOUS men but this was not what I had in mind (‘: this challenge being my alliance + AJ is interesting as well considering that AJ was the one person I haven’t established a game connection with but I do really like him. In a way, I do think him participating in this challenge is the best thing that could’ve happened to his game since it allows him to build more connections with others? That being said, Connor on the other hand… is disappointing me in a way like the king isn’t talking much or doing much. If he has personal stuff to attend to, I completely get it and he should focus on that first but I do wanna know so I don’t assume he disappeared yknow (‘: but oh well !!!
I do think me honing in on the fact that Kendall and I are two peas in a pod in this game has her really thinking that which is awesome! I do adore that girl but I gotta keep an eye out (for Selener). She did tell me that her goals this round include the following 1) Set up an alliance with us + Austin, 2) Get AJ to be our alliance’s fake 5th, and 3) Get out Adam. While I am glad she told me all of this, I’m just very cautious of her connections? Austin and I are super close and he likes her, that’s fine. My thing is with AJ because while we were calling, I did pick up on the fact that those two have played before and whatnot so who knows. I’m just a naturally stressed person so ye !!! I do really like Adam though so I hope we don’t lose at all (‘:
I hate myself for being on a call for 9 hours in this game ghjfkdls but that being said, I do genuinely love everyone on this tribe and the thought of losing makes me super emo because I feel close to every person here in one way or another. It’s a dilemma too because us winning this challenge would be ideal but if we do win and Brawn goes to tribal, the Beauty Tribe becomes public enemy number one in a swap scenario because why wouldn’t the other tribes wanna get rid of the tribe that has the most members yknow? It’s a nail-biter regardless ;-; 
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https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fpSJvDJxy38LcRI4MjwzIa64zT_tytXC/view?usp=sharing
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So I'm not surprised that we lost AGAIN! Lowkey I feel like I did everything during this challenge so not only do I feel more defeated, but I'm annoyed that not too many people contributed. Like I have to constantly ask people how they're doing in the challenge, and they provide me with NOTHING!! And I'm tired of voting people out :/ Anyways, I feel like voting out Isaac is a dumb move for my game going forward, because Duncan/Autumn are clearly a duo. Duncan even said to me that he wouldn't mind voting out Devon if we needed too. If we don't swap next round and lose again, I have the feeling Duncan and Autumn are going to try and pit Devon and I against each other. I like to think they'd choose me over Devon since I don't have any connections to anyone. The smart move would be for them to utilize Isaac and blindside me, but I like to think they wouldn't be doing that anytime soon. I feel bad voting out Isaac because I know how much he hated being booted early in Malaysia. So to do that to him again is really sad to me. I would try to convince Devon to split up Autumn/Duncan, but he's all about the 4 going forward. Everyone is and as much as I love the 4, that type of game is boring. Idk maybe my style of gameplay is different than theirs. If I see that I'm in a sinking ship, I make sure to grab a life vest and swim to another boat. I don't sit on the boat and say "okay, time to drown now". Luckily none of them know me for the numerous times that I've flipped on alliances before. If we do swap next round, my plan is to remain loyal to whichever brain is on my tribe. However, this won't stop me from trying to make connections with people from other tribes and making new alliances. If I need to ditch my brains to solidify trust with my new tribe, then that is exactly what I am going to do. In the event that I do leave tomorrow, this game was fun! After being out of the tumblr survivor community for 3 years, I don't think I'd come back for a future org/season because the amount of stress i've been in this past week is more than I've endured with online learning since corona came to town. Idk I wouldn't be surprised if a #blindside came my way.
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it's only day 7 and we havent even been to tribal yet and we STILL arent going because we won again, and im already going off the deep end like am i crackedt?? what the hell is happening on this tribe like am i the quiet one or is there just a collective quiet going on since we're just sliding through the game rn?? im not gonna lie it's kinda boring... it's getting weird.....the fact that there's an idol just looming around and someone has it and isnt telling me is making me crazy, and then to make me even more crazy i foolishly decided to sit out of the challenge today, i knew i probably wasnt gonna be good at anything with the letters all jumbled together, im just being real so i decide to spare my tribe and myself mostly the misery and sit out, i dont want to be perceived as weak completely and be voted off right now for it, but i do want to start to make sure people think im not that good at the challenges so i dont have a target going foward- also, im really just not good at the challenges. BUT apparently everyone was just like on a call together all day because of the challenge and obviously i couldnt be in it so :// my own fault! i didnt think it through completely and luckily we won, but if we hadnt, i mean... a day long on/off call is more than enough to bond over and pick a first boot from those not in it, but aj updated me on everything and at least according to him, my name wasnt mentioned and they were mostly working on the challenge and discussing white men, so that means i didnt miss much! im still working day by day on trying to water my relationships with everyone and make sure theyre ready to bloom into my little alliances once its had enough time to absorb all the sunshine i naturally radiate!! However.... others arent doing the same gorl.... like connor, literally messaged me out of the blue just to have a conversation and when i tried talking to him he stops messaging me right away ... like hello is it something i said?? i literally feel like parvati when she was going is it me?? am i being punkd??? also tried talking to kendall again today, i do enjoy her i will say she's growing on me but as of now she hasnt responded to me yet, which is ok since i never respond to anyone either oop hopefully its just not everyone vs. adam already in other news i guess a swap could be coming?? i really just dont want to be on a tribe with jakey because im not ready to dig up the hatchet from cvc lets keep it buried please!! unless he's completely forgotten that and wants to work with me and be my shield again but um... dont think he'd be up for that! im here to play a NEW game not my old one, in any case, no matter what happens i feel like as long as i have any of my fellow A name sisters- AJ, Augusto, or Amir with me, i could possibly be fine... i dont think Amir was really playing me anymore either like i did yesterday smh i think that was just a tangent of paranoia my mind created (maybe ..) 
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I feel like we have to be swapping tonight like this brains tribe has lost so many challenges in a rwo, that ifit wasnt planned i feel like the hosts have to be like "put it in sis they movin" Im gonna spendthe rest of the of today working on my relationships with the rest of my brawny boys, so no if we do swap, on matter what configurations it lands on I should have options. Still dont know jac shit about the tomb and that is bothering me but thats a problem for another day.
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Well, thank god that we were able to pull that challenge out. I knew if we lost it that my ass could potentially be on the line given how large of a role I played in organizing that challenge, so it would have been sad (and hella scary) to have lost that. But I do think I've shown that I can be a valuable asset to this tribe now in the event that we somehow stay in tribes for another round. I'm anticipating a tribe swap here this next round, so I kind of just need to prepare to meet some new people and hope that I'm on a tribe with some people that I've gotten along with. Ideally, I'd have Jake with me and we'd act as if we weren't that close, but I'd be happy to see basically anyone but Liam there with me. He's a great guy, but I know he doesn't trust me, I know I don't trust him, so I really don't want that to be my only lifeline on a swap tribe.
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okay so in the event we swap out of the brawn tribe tonight... which would be TRAGIC i wanted to do an in memoriam of apis 1.0! TJ - i was SO rude and wrong about him! he is genuinely so sweet and lovely, and super hard working. i think he would be a good one to swap with, it would build our bond and he is a challenge workhorse! i hope he isn't mad at me for my round one confessionals, just know tj that i was WRONG and that i was the clown! Lovelis - I get really good energy from him but we also... never talk so idk where I'm getting that from? I think he is definitely going to be a casualty of the swap, I see him definitely getting picked of? Which would be sad! idk we will see Liam M - He is really sweet, but we also talk super infrequently? I feel like he trusts me which is good?! But I think he is definitely gonna go premerge unfortunately just since he isnt super active? we will see ahh Jordan - I really like Jordan i think he is great! we are working together but something about his energy has seemed... off recently? and jake has noticed the same thing and idk what to do with that it just seems off? idk i feel like we potentially are gonna drift apart as allies which would be a shame! Dan - I really love Dan, he has such good energy which I really vibe with him? I think I kind of underestimated his potential as an ally which I really regret I like him a lot tbh.. I'd like to build that trust further for sure, he just gives off such good ally energy Jake - ahh yes have left my favourite for last. ugh i love jake his energy is the best and i trust him 100% unequivocally. he knows about my idol (may've kept it a secret for two rounds but i told him eventually which is what counts jasldfkas) i want him to succeed in this game so badly, im really hopeful for him to SNAP also quickly about the brain tribal, i just hope isaac/autumn/duncan are safe. those are my only preseason connections and would kinda love to see any/all of them in a swap situation tbh i think i want that devon slithers man gone he seems sneaky (is it just because slithers sounds like a snake yes)
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It’s been way too quiet around here so I’ve accepted that Duncan/Autumn/Devon/Isaac are all voting me out tonight. Devon keeps talking to me about the swap and really emphasizing about it, so I get sketch vibes from that. Plus that Duncan/Autumn duo is very strong so it makes sense for them to want to vote me out. Plus apparently Isaac is writing my name down tonight so... it’s been fun! I enjoyed my 7 days that I spent here and can’t wait for the perjury trip with Trace and Bodhi 🥳🥳🥳
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Lowkey kinda bummed we won this challenge. Which probably raises a few death flags but whatever. I would have liked to put our alliance to the test before a swap :/. It also would have been neat to have the fucking idiot who voted with Trace as a spare vote, now they are definitely going to get fucked. Luckily the challenge provided some new optunity for alliances. For starters we can make a natural extra alliance with AJ without drawing conclusions to a mysterious third faction. Even though Connor did jack shit... I'm not bitter just... disappointed. :/
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PERIODTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, WE WON HOES! Like I am incredibly shook that we won because I was ready to jump off of a ledge hgfjkdl so yay for that! The Brains lost and I really do feel for them but Brawn winning makes our numbers equal and the Brawns are more threatening overall so that should mean that Brains would want to work with us in a swap scenario yknow? I’m just shook I’m on the winning tribe ghjfdks
Now that we won, I SHOULD be chilling right? Well, I hate myself so I’m not doing that one bit. I am deathly afraid of a swap next round because the makings of a swap are all there (a flop tribe that needs a swap to save them, us being at 18 people is perfect for 3 tribes of 3, etc). I’m scared I will get swap fucked in some capacity so I’m just aaaa. That being said, I do want to make sure I leave on amazing terms with everyone before we swap in case I am separated from anyone or I join some of these legends on a new tribe. 
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honestly, our tribe has been pretty much on a high. our most recent challenge seemed like something tailored for us to lose, and while i was nervous for a second, we were able to best the brains tribe and send them to tribal for the THIRD time. (i really thought they'd have that one in the bag!) i feel sorry for those nerds, they just can't catch a break :( but seriously, the challenge itself really opened doors of opportunity for me in the game i feel. me/kendall/amir/augusto were on call from 11AM est to the time challenge results went up.. and it was an experience. we all got along pretty well and put our braincells together to get through that challenge, but their company was what made it worthwhile! connor was also participating in the challenge, but he didn't really do anything. although i know he's been pretty busy lately so i'm not too bent about it and completely understand, just wish he said a little more in the chat other than the two messages he did! i think what i'm preparing for right now is the swap. i really wanna cement solid relationships and allegiances with the people on my tribe as we anticipate going into bigger tribes as of next round or the round after. i wouldn't mind just staying on this tribe, though. our dynamic is great, the people are great, and we're even better in competition. there's really not much of a loss there if you ask me! 
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So in the past 24 hours I've worked my ass off to try to get Autumn and Devon to vote with me against Scott and/or Duncan and I'm not getting my hopes up. Like everything they've given me has been so vague and I've tried to go the extra mile to try to get Autumn and Devon to trust me. I think I'm going home tonight and if I do that's tragic but not exactly a #blindside. It might be my curtain call but I hope I at least made them doubt each other. 
Also #FuckThoth, Jess rigged me out
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Me waiting for tribal to happen: https://66.media.tumblr.com/c327b3a59ef66f9835241d079c1fbe39/tumblr_n20f10EtZH1rkuhmio2_400.gif
Me if I make it out alive tonight: https://media1.tenor.com/images/664df9da1de6fb8913ff67b2ca8234e0/tenor.gif?itemid=16269462
 Me if I get voted out tonight: https://media.giphy.com/media/aUW1R5qccvQ3K/giphy.gif
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I HATE IT HERE I WANNA GO HOME!!! I feel like the underpaid babysitter that the parents forgot about cause these boys are triiippppinng. I’m selling the vote so well to Isaac I actually wanted to vote Scott with him and I was going to but my damn alliance has him secondguessing and now everyone is all misty eyed about being split while Isaac is panicking so the solution is a CALL. Even though we call EVERYDAY so there ain’t shit to talk about??? Isaac has been blowing my pm’s up all day so no sir, no farewell calls. My emotional energy has been spent for the day lying for 6 hours straight thank you very much. Scuncan and Devon need to cut the melodrama out cause we have a whole game left?? So we will see each other again??? And if we don’t, we don’t. Also we could not get swapped tonight??? So simmer down. The Lord NEEDS to take me cause I can’t do it. Everyone needs their hand held and their feelings coddled and I’m tired. Less  kumbayah, more playing Survivor 
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So we won again! I felt terrible in our challenge chat because I really couldn't get my head around the patterns and shit everyone else was doing, honestly hope they don't see general weakness in me because of it.. I'm good at like, everything else, but I dunno, this season's just not been looking favourably on me yet. After the flag incident and then that challenge, I feel like I probably am in the most danger, and I still don't know what to do about it except spam everyone all the time in hopes they feel some social tie to me... I hate it here I rly do. Hopefully we'll start to get more comps I can excel in because so far it's been flop after flop and I rly hate to see it.
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Not AJ telling me that I am the person he is closest to on this tribe… I’m crying ugh, I feel so bad for wanting him to leave first like I didn’t get to know him well until recently but I really do like him… why was I blessed with these iconic people on my tribe? Game aside, I do like them all and want them to slay in life <3
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I'm so screwed if I don't win this immunity challenge. I know I'm a weak link, so if I don't win this, hopefully *dan* doesn't either cause I might have to target him to save my skin. This is where I'm really gonna have to be social over the next day, cause my ass is quite literally on the line right now. I'm not getting 18th-16th, screw this.
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Okay I’m gonna say it, I love my alliance so much.I will not play with my heart and I’ll kill them if I have to but I really really really don’t want to, I obvi love my alliance with Augusto, Kendall, and Connor so much, but i will not play with my heart and ill backstab them if i have to but i really really dont want to. I would also like if adam austin and aj were safe. I really really like adam a lot. he is a fking sweetheart, and hes so funny. Austin is also great and super genuine and kind. i feel bad for calling him boring earlier, and aj is just funny and cool in general. the best case is we never have to go to tribal and i get to keep my inbred nocturnal intoxicated-at-all-times tribe members here. I am gonna need as many of these people in the game as possible for the swap and for the merge, and if we end up do having to go to tribal, I will do everything in my power to keep the tribe from getting divided, because we're gonna need each other to take down the brawn tribe.
I want to be tight with every single one of the beauties because a swap is likely coming and I need them, and the biggest issue rn I see moving foreward is if brawn and brain align, so we must snatch the brains first. every one keeps talking about being stumped about the tomb and I just keep lying DKNDKDNDD but I am lowkey scared they know I’m lying 
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iimmcrtalis-archive · 7 years
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every multimuse question. all of 'em. 1 - 30
   WELP. │ not accepting now christ.
gonna get long
1. is there a muse that you wish gets more attention?
Literally any of them but Faron. But primarily Revas. She is literally my main and I love her so much. Faron’s my boy but the amount of attention he has right now is like hecking me the fuck up not gonna lie. 
 2. if you HAD to choose, who’s your favorite muse?
Revas. Not even a question. I can list them from fave to least fave if y’all want. I love all of them, but favorites are easy. 
3. which muse is the trickiest to get into character for?
So far, most of the canon characters. I’m not used to writing canon characters and I get nervous that I’m not doing them enough justice. 
4. is there a muse that not a lot of people roleplay with?
I unno. I mean most of them. Again, canon characters make me anxious & nervous so I have to work on that. It’s mostly me. 
5. if you HAD to choose, who’s your least favorite muse?
Like to play? iunno yet. as a character? Evelyn. She’s literally the fucking worst. She’s fun to write but hooooo H O OO OO. 
6. which one of your muses have you been playing the longest?
Evelyn, Erin & Vega. Evelyn was my first muse I ever rped and that was like. Years ago. I was still in highschool lm ao. 
7. which one of your muses has the most ships?
Revas, probably? Like, of ones made via writing. Canon characters? probably top her out tho. 
8. what is each of your muses otps? notps?
…. this is so much. otps usually consist of fairly mutual feelings and interest and aren’t fucking pedophiliac. ( lookin @ u she.ith fucks ) notps are. Vast and i have a lot of them. Like this would need to be it’s own post. because it’s way too long for this one, which is already long god. 
9. why were you drawn to each one of your characters?
I relate to them, plain and simple. Or I made them. Canon muses I always relate to. If i didn’t I wouldn’t want to write them. There’s always something I relate to and love about them so immensely that I want to write them. Or i want to write them out of spite towards the fandom or whatever.    Out of all of them, I relate to Grog the most. 
10. which muse is the most fun to write for?
god uhhh. I wanna say probably ones I haven’t written yet!! There’s a lot of them that I’m just really excited to write!! But uhhh. Probably Revas or Vega for ones I have written.  
11. is there another muse you’ve been thinking of adding or writing for? who?
I’m currently debating on adding either Kagome, Sango, or Koga from Inuyasha! Mainly because it’s all I’ve been watching for awhile. I will probably add more one day. 
12. what is something everyone should know about your muses before interacting?
Shipping Rules. And basics about them. My interpretation of canon characters are not the same as your standard shit. I do not adhere to most canon.if you want to know something about ANY AND ALL of them, ASK.
13. what’s a weird headcanon you have for each of your muses?
I’ll keep it short.      • Revas gets more and more bird like over time. Probably puts feathers in her hair and everything.       • Faron likes watching octopi dance bc of soy sauce.       • Eludysia takes care of birds.      • Evelyn enjoys beating people with her prosthesis instead of wearing it.       • Erin digs k-pop.       • Morgan is actually afraid of blackholes and worries about them a lot.       • Grog likes to braid his beard.       • Bruce doesn’t like having a beard or facial hair.       • Terry makes references to memes a lot.       • Noah probs looks after Gansey a lot without him being Aware.       • Adam doesn’t dig sour things because they make his cheeks hurt.       • J’mon Sa Ord is actually a big history & arcane nerd.       • Raven Queen enjoys sweets & tea.       • Sarenrae likes talking to the pearls and souls of her domain.       • Nova would & has punched a fiend straight in the jaw.       • Vega likes cooking and enjoys seeing his friends smile because of his cooking.       • Garrus likes to braid hair bc its a weird feeling but nice.       • Symm? Worship kink probably.       • Reinhardt likes spending time with the younger characters because he likes being a granddad.       • Sombra knows how to spray paint cool shit.       • Wash is uhhhhh scared of dying       • Hisraad thinks everyone is small. Even Bull. ( they’re like 8′. )      • Sehren collects story books to give to her daughter after everythings over.      • Kaaska enjoys making sweets for everyone.       • Meg isn’t as devoted as she pretends to be.       • Rogue is Poly. Not weird but ya know.       • Hawke knows how to sail.       • Ronan would probably be one of those kids at an arcade playing racing games.       • Shiro keeps his hair short bc of habit. 
14. which muse has the most aus or verses?
Currently Revas. Because main focus. But all muses will have fully fleshed out verses in almost all the same areas. if applicable. like some of them won’t be able to transfer well to other universes so. we’ll see. 
15. can you sort your muses from youngest to oldest?
 Adam & Ronan  Noah  Terry  NovaShiroRogueRevasVegaFaron (age hasn’t been update on the muse page)WashSymmSombraMorganHisraadHawkeMegSehrenKaaskaGrogBruceReinhardtErinJ’monEludysiaEvelynRaven QueenSarenrae
i miss anyone? 
16. which muse is most willing to fight another muse?
Erin is ready to throw down with Evelyn at all times. & vice versa
17. do your muses get along with each other?
Some do, ye. would all of them? fuck no. 
18. would you ship any of your muses together? who?
Ronan & Adam. Sombra & Symm. 
19. for each muse, is there a character you wish had a blog so you could interact with them?
Probably.
20. have you ever considered making a multimuse/is it easier having a multimuse?
It’s easier. Much easier. Makes it easier to manage. i originally ran a multimuse ages ago before it was Acceptable™
21. which muse is the most problematic towards other muses?
Evelyn. 
22. which muse is most likely to make new friends?
Revas, Erin, & Vega 
23. which muses’ fandom do you like the best?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Critrole muses fandom. Only one I like. Legitimately enjoy l m ao.
24. is there someone playing the same muse/s as you and you really look up to them?
Yes!! I really look up to @freedomsacrificed!!! Savvy’s Adam is really amazing and I really hope I can be half as good, but I won’t compare our adam’s bc like. Adam is a good bean and needs more love anyways ;u; I’m not submerged in my other muses community enough anymore to uhh give a shit atm. tbh. t bh .
25. which muse do people send the most asks for?
i dont even. I unno man. I unno. Faron. Always has been always will be I guess?
26. which muse is most likely to have kids?
a lot of them have kids already. but some of them would wanna be a parent one day when the universe decides to fuckin chill. 
27. is there a rule that someone keeps breaking for your muses?
mmmm. people tend to not read abouts. Which is a biggie. but hasn’t happened in a while. 
28. can you sort your muses from weakest to strongest?
I sure can. 
29. which muse are you considering deleting?
A few. Keeping it on the down low currently. 
30. most importantly, are you having fun playing each one of your muses?
Yes and no. Some muses are a struggle and cause me stress when they get overworked. Others are easier, come to me naturally. And a few are rarely written so. 
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tribulaticns-blog · 7 years
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the trash is finally here ?? who would’ve thought ? not me that’s for damn sure. but anyway hello i’m gav ( she/her ) and this is my second time around in the rp and well let’s hope “the third time is a charm” doesn’t reign true in my case. anyway let me get on with telling you about these trash characters.
trigger warnings: attempted murder & kidnapping mention.
CINDY KIMBERLY, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met antonia marie fonseca yet ? the eighteen year old is known for being both forthright and urbane, but also very disorganized and amoral. born in california, nia now lives in soho, being an instagram model. 
born and raised in los angeles, california to a lower-middle class family.
their life was pretty normal, parents working paycheck to paycheck, money problems weighing heavily on her parent's minds but they never let their children know.
she's the middle child of three, with a younger brother and older sister. they were all very close, only being a year apart from each other.
things changed when she was fifteen and her sister had gotten into acting. it was a pilot for a new abc show and truthfully, nia didn't see it going anywhere. ( lmao she HOPED it wouldn't go anywhere ) but rip it was renewed for another season ( and three more after that ).
with her growing fame, came the jealously. jealously over the fact her sister was getting so much attention from her parents, fans, literally anyone you can think of. and because she couldn't control said jealously, she began to push her sister away and inherently because it was easier to deal with everything from a distance.
when she was seventeen, she took up "modeling" on instagram. ( because she's the self-proclaimed "hotter sister" ) and for the first time, she was the one getting the attention and she loved it.
she’s very impetuous. never really thinks twice about the things she says or does.
lowkey very insecure. tries to make up for it with copious amounts of sex. ( it never works )
decided to move to la when her sister had to move there as well for a movie role and just never left.
frequents her sister’s instagram .. any time she gets lower than 100k likes, nia posts another picture of herself as a “fuck you”.
HAILEY BALDWIN, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met aspen clarice demerson yet ? the twenty-one year old is known for being both polished and gregarious, but also very vindictive and pugnacious. born in cheshire, aspen now lives in chelsea, tending to her modelling career.
she’s loosely based off once upon a time’s interpretation of cruella de vil ?? what a Mess already. like … THIS GIF is aspen demerson ??
is originally from cheshire ( shoutout to my main mans horton steels for the inspo ) so that makes her v british. if you hear someone with a heavy accent yelling about their louboutins getting scuffed then it’s probs her.
her mother and father were both from old money and made even more together with their business endeavors so she lived a very lush lifestyle—had parents, maids, etc that doted on her. she never had to worry about ONE thing.
some would think her lash lifestyle would have lead to her absolutely brattiness towards everyone growing up but nope, aspen just came out of the womb that way.
fr she treats her parents—who are ANGELS™—like trash and doesn’t think twice about it. actually she wonders why people try to scold her for it ??
can probably find her listening to greek tragedy by the wombats bc she’s that Bitch.
a v calculated person; knows what she wants and how to get it. if she wants something from you, she can play you and have it gone before you notice you’re playing into her scheme. if she doesn’t ?? you dont even exist to her tbh.
part of her sometimes wants to pull a lucrezia borgia and have a hallow ring she can use to poison the drinks of the ppl she hates the most .. maybe One Day.
v gray-romantic like she’ll fuq you but you never have to worry about her suddenly having feelings, her having feelings ( lol what are emotions, she asks ) is a rare occasion tbh.
basically she’s a soulless bitch who, if given the chance, would poison your drink and not think about it twice ( only to reminisce but to feel bad ?? nah )
LILY COLLINS, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met samantha josefine gale ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both idiosyncratic and stoic, but also very stringent and distant. born in seattle, sam now lives in chelsea, working as a publicist.
currently twenty-five and working as a publicist to her twin sister, simini.
literally couldn’t care less about anything, if you were to tell her a joke she would just stare at you like |:
but that’s only because she’s spent so long forgoing any feelings about anything after her mother attempted to m*rder her sister.
it fucked with her brain a lot, especially the aftermath when simini went off the rails because of the altercation.
she kept her own emotions bottled up solely for simini’s sake, she didn’t want her sister to see her being Weak when she was already in a fragile state herself ( has to go to therapy weekly bc of this lmao and she’s also on antidepressants ).
she loves simini so much tho, would probs die for her but instead decided to take on the job of being her manager ( which really entails her cleaning up the messy things simini does so the public doesn’t find out ).
her sexuality is very up in the air atm. it’s something she thinks about rarely but when she does it’s a very confusing topic to her.
is probably silently judging you always with a straight face, waiting for an inevitable fuck up before telling you “i knew that would happen”.
has been a vegan since she was twenty. every time someone makes a backhanded comment she’s just giving them the |:< face.
honestly she’s just here to make sure her sister doesn’t make an entire mess of herself.
NINA DOBREV, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER — have you met noelle isabella yates yet ? the twenty-five year old is known for being both audacious and jubilant, but also very reticent and turbulent. born in copenhagen, elle now lives in harrow, working as a waitress. 
a twenty-five year old that was born and raised in copenhagen, denmark
life was “normal”, noelle being very close with all her siblings ( even if her two sisters were always butting heads ).
always the mom friend in every situation ever. could be drunk off her ass and she’s still offering you water, crackers and tylenol to make sure YOU’RE okay.
was attending university ( majoring in psychology ) when her sister, imogen, was kidnapped. the experience was very harrowing for her. she went from having a best friend and a sister to someone who had no idea who she was.
it’s what forced her to pack up, ask her parent’s for money and start backpacking through south american and then back through europe. meeting new people and seeing new places helped elevate the stress that came with the entire ordeal.
but when she was in ireland and after a night of partying, she woke up in a hotel room with a ring on her finger. she had no recollection of getting married or the person she had been married to. needless to say, she left the ring on the bedside table and fled. ( she’s technically still married, just chooses not to talk about them )
unfortunately has a vlog channel where she documented the entire time she was backpacking ( except the whole marriage thing )
after phoning her parents and finding out imogen had moved to london and opened her own business, she decided to visit her. it was only after spending a day with her she realized how much she had missed her and made london the last place she visited.
tried being vegan once ... it was terrible. which is ironic because she’s a waitress at her sister’s vegan restaurant. she tries not to think about that.
ANYWAY that’s it for now i think. i’m setting up a muse + plots page for all of them but if you would like to brainstorm pls free to hmu <3
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eludum-a · 7 years
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negative //
i hope it doesnt make me sound ungrateful but ive been feeling... not Great about my portrayal lately?? like i used to think i was a pretty good writer, certainly not the best but like, up there in the list of people who could maybe publish a novel if i ever sat down and worked on something for more than a few days
but then i come here and its like... oof. wow, ok, compared to some really amazing people here ia m just... a pebble on this rocky road we call life. so im actually Not All That Good, like my word choice could probably be a lot better and my writing is often too simplistic and i just. idk. i feel like i need to spend more time on each post bnut im already pretty stressed as it is. and im constantly worried that im straying too far from canon even tho almost nothing i write here actually contradicts known canon facts about human chi/aki bc we know so little about her??
i dont know. i wish i was up there in the big leagues with ppl whose writing is just absolutely stunning and mesmerizing but instead im kinda down here in the league of people nodding and going “yeah that’s pretty neat i guess”. like i love my friends!! i love the community that’s been established here and joking around and goofing around is a lot of fun!!
but... i feel like maybe... ppl like me less for my writing and more for my sense of humor? :\\ i like making ppl smile and laugh but i also dont want ppl to actually take me seriously when i joke about my blog being nothing more than a shitpost. i want ppl to be here because they like me as a person but i also want them to... really like my writing, not just think it’s okay.
im probably overthinking this tbh
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Hogwarts Students!BTS
Admin River speaks: ok i’ve had this idea for sO long and I’ve been rereading the series again for the 5th time rip me. but yeah just these are my opinions pls dont attack me ddjjfjfjs. Also I made this a while ago and recently Namjoon wrote where the members would be, I know, I know. So without further ado, enjoyyyy 
Tae
• the cute Gryffindor who always seems to smile • messy hair • and robes • his shirt is usually unbuttoned a few buttons • loose tie • his wand behind his left ear • chaser !!! • usually gets out of trouble because none of the teachers seem to be able to r e s i s t his s m i l e • headmaster/mistress probably has a soft spot for him • probably has rlly good grades, like all O’s maybe a few E’s • “but, professor” • can be restless and talkative in class • is probably rlly into care of magical creatures • Hagrid would absolutely a d o r e him • just so full of life • in the choir bc yes boi • h o g s m e a d e especially when its s n o w i n g
• most likely part veela
• like have you s e e n him
• beauty right there • is able to smuggle in firewhiskey
• laughs when the other students cant drink it and make a face
• laughs even more when they watch in horror as he downs a cup
• “the hell, tae ???”
• j o k e s h o p
• loves the Weasley’s joke shop
• talks to the ghosts and portraits a lot
• has probs accidently charmed a couple ladies in the portraits
• which comes in handy when he finds out all these secret passages
• loves flower crowns and loves making them during the spring
• “here yoongi i made u one”
• “..... I'm more concerned as how u knew thats my favorite flower.”
• “that’s your favorite flower?”
• “.... forget i said anything.”
• k just imagine after a game he flies down from his broom with a huge grin and pushes he goggles up and so his hair is all wild and even more messy
• n he brings every1 in a group hug and cheers “we won, we won !!!”
• even if they dont win be celebrates with the other team
•...somtimes.. be gets pouty tho
• “we literally could have won that was a foul :(“
Jin • cute Hufflepuff • always so full of advice
• if u want u could set up a lil date with him at hogsmeade to just talk about your problems and sip a warm drink • so s o motherly • sometimes he has a loose tie and disheveled hair • he has rlly nice skin and the other students are like ??? tell me ur secrets ??? • hufflepuff’s dorms are by the kitchens so he probably made friends with the elves working there • can probably walk in and out whenever he wants • the few times he walks in late to class he probably has a few crumbs on his mouth or robes or maybe like some sugar or flour and its so e n d e a r i n g • such a good student • pays so much attention in class • sometimes wears those glasses, you know which ones • the girls probably all like him • and a few boys too hehe coughsnamjooncoughs • probably likes charms and maybe divination • he probably also likes herbology • also is probably in the choir because i mean have you h e a r d h i m • loves going to Hogsmeade • probably is pretty good friends with Madame Rosmerta • exchanges recipes with her • he seems so sophisticated and people probs look up to him a lot • p r e f e c t • h e a d  b o y
• tells so many jokes to first years
• windshield laugh
• u would think the first years would be scared but no???
• they end being less nervous and smile and giggle with him
• even jin gets slightly surprised
• they end up getting close with him and almost like his own kids
• “but jiiiiiiiiinnn”
• “fine :/”
• ok but he stops so many fights n things from escalating too quickly
• both in the dorms and in bts
• even a couple teacher drama incidents
• professors lowkey want him to stay n teach there
• gets so worried??? About people ???
• he has a nervous tick where he keeps rubbing his hands as if he's putting on lotion
• but if he's rlly worried he's absolutely still and that's probs when u should be worried too Yoongi • ok he was rlly hard • like i wanted to say slytherin but idk i felt like i was stereotyping a bit by looks • i wanted to say ravenclaw but like idk man • i think I’m settling for g r y f f i n d o r • he’s rlly brave, man, like he went through so m u c h and he is so strong and f i g h t s back yanno • some ppl probably can't understand why he’s a gryffindor and he wants to keep it like that lol • he’s never seen doing his hw most of the time but gets ??? Perfect scores??? • he unbuttons one button on his shirt because its t o o t i g h t dammit i cant breathe • also slightly loose tie • defense against the dark arts all the way bro • a knack for transfiguration but gets so flustered when the professor compliments him which means red cheeks and wide eyes for days • hypes up quidditch so m u c h • like if its rlly cold and its raining he’d be like ew gross no im not going • but is a l w a y s there • gummy smiles and screaming when they win • he’s rlly good at quidditch but never joined bc “too much responsibility” • he’s lowkey insecure about his skills but sshh dont tell anyone • probs joins like 5th year
• a beater probably
• helps with stress lol • he has so much confidence and ppl appreciate that and wish they had that
• joon gave him a music box once cause he thought it was rlly pretty n yoongi just fell in love with it
• ink stained fingers
Jimin • the cute hufflepuff everyone adores • hypes up friends 25/8 • talks in class and then gets sheepish and embarrassed when he gets called out to stop • will fight??? Anyone ??? Who messes with his friends ??? • but liek if u hurt him u suddenly got all of hufflepuff as ur enemy sorry bro • he’s so so sweet like he probably gives all his professors gifts for the holidays • homemade cookies (with the help of jin ofc) • probably takes up knitting so that he can make scarfs 4 his frens • always there at quidditch games and hypes all his friend even if they’re against each other • he’s so reliable??? • giggles 4 days • but liek he is so cute n innocent but has laser focus and is so passionate about getting things done some ppl are just ??? Slytherin tho ??? • he’s the loyalist loyal to ever loyal • he probs enjoys muggle studies • muggle studies and potions • he likes the fact that you get all these ingredients and then end up with this huge product that can save lives or end them   w i l d t • will stay up rlly late if u need someone to talk to • will also make sure u go to ur dorm safely and probably tuck u in
• the kind of person every1 wants 2 protect
• but dOnt be fooled this boi can be solo mischievous
• its ok tho he cute
• he's like hot chocolate with whipped cream and caramel sauce
• ya feel?
• will break the rules if he has to don't underestimate him
• don't underestimate him in general
Namjoon
• ravenclaw!!!
• this boi is so smart like he could have easily pursued a career academically n wasnt he top of his class too ?
• even if that's wrong his lyrics sure prove it right
• he would do certain things and ppl would be like typical ravenclaw
• at first he was proudful of his house but then he slowly started getting insecure
• he didn't want to be known as this typical ravenclaw
• but he soon realizes that it's ok because he's just being himself n if ppl need to label things then o well
• v awkward but so w i s e
• like he thinks of so many abstract ideas that like??? It's amazing??
• carries around a lil notebook full of stories and poems
• so much p a t i e n c e
• he also feels so deeply and sometimes feels like exploding so he probably gets in lil moods where he wants to be alone
• luckily he has his frens (bts) who r like uhm bro let's talk
• so sweet and just wants the best 4 ppl but its sometimes hard to express t h a t
• stresses out easily during exams
• laughs and smiles that make flowers grow
• p r e f e c t a n d h e a d b o y
• he does lil things like save u butterbeer if ur not feeling well or get u sum sweets from Hogsmeade
• such a sweetheart
• luvs spending time outside especially during the spring
• lowkey writes poetry about his friends
• he just appreciates them so much
• transfiguration and ancient runes boi
• l i b r a r y
• Filch probably picks on the poor boy like
• joon is running back to his dorm after a study session in the library
• n filch is like iTs AftEr Hours
• and joon is like ??? I have 5 minutes ???
• sometimes he goes wide eyes like a deer in the headlights when he panics or doesn't know what's going on omg protect this boi
Hoseok
• okAy he's Ravenclaw tOo fIght mE
• he is just so fascinated by learning new things like
• wth that plant can do that???
• that animal exists ???
• w ow i e
• ok but sunshine boi
• is absolutely excited about herbology and care of magical creatures
• also charms
• he's just always so excited to learn new things !!!
• he stresses easily tho and breaks down a lot bc he gets a lot of pressure to get good grades
• like boi that's not ravenclaw calm ya shit
• frens defend him 25/8
• keeper!!!
• he learns to keep his wand hidden in weird places and like pulls it out at random places and ppl are like ???
• lots of screamign and happiness
• ppl get annoyed but it's hoseok he can do no wrong
• asks weird questions that are somehow relevant to the subject but r so abstract that even some professors are baffled
• he's so flexible ???
• like some ppl r just ??? How the h e ck??
• n liek the lil shit he is he winks and says “magic”
• lots of “hobi why”
• charms banners for quidditch when he doesn't play so they're all pretty n cool
• the school doesn’t suspect it's him
• him sharing a bunk with namjoon !!!
• luvs visiting Hagrid with Tae
• always has a new piece of info about dragons 2 share with Hagrid
• robes r usually wrinkled
• him wearing flower crowns/ bracelets that tae makes
Jungkook
• okay so
• hear me out
• s l y t h e r i n
• he was 15 when he debuted n liek ???
• he's 19 now ?? Thats a lot of ambition and hard work
• also he's a meme n he's cunning when he wants stuff
• n he also said he can handle hard schedules but when bts starts to hurt that's when he feels bad like ???
• but liek he gets kinda insecure sometimes bc slytherin is “””””bad””””””
• but he gets a talk from namjoon that ppl will be like that n to just ignore because a house is just supposed to let u be surrounded by ppl who r similar to u to learn better
• he also lowkey gives him permission to beat any1 up
• when he was younger he would sometimes sneak to other dorms
• to be with one of the members since be was insecure n shy with his house members
• but he soon grew confident and made other friends and bts were like proud moms lol
• seeker!!!!
• he always feels bad going against his frens but they just wink at him n he gets confidence
• frequent visits to madame pomfrey bc he a daredevil smh
• joins choir like 3rd year
• he hesitated for so long because he's an insecure bab and !!!!
• but tae n jin r liek cmon boi ur very good let's do this
• he pretends to be a bad boi with bts but he barely gets a glimpse of a professor n he quickly straightens his tie n smooths down his shirt
• art !!!!
• he likes to sketch ppl
• “hey yoongi do this with ur hands”
• wavy haired jungkook 6th n 7th year !!!!!
• his book bag has at least 2 sketchbooks
• he would feel so bad when ppl would notice his robes and point and whisper
• but they realized how he actually was n how bts treated him
• vvvv talented
• catches on to concepts right away
• ppl think he likes defense against the dark arts but actually……..
• care of magical creatures is his fav
• probs lowkey likes astronomy
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carlpalmer · 7 years
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Question tag game thing i was tagged by @cause-the-cat-is-dead thank you so much!!!!
A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom? “aa that’s cool, have a nice trip!!!” to my friend lmao
B) What does the last text you received say? And from whom? “ahhhh ye”, from my other friend
C) What time do you wake up most mornings? “mornings”.. now im on a break i wake up at 2 pm smh. but i will wake up around 6:40 am next week when college starts god have mercy on me
D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night? walking alone at night is the scariest thing u could do holy shit E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day? listen to music, watch tv shows, read some fanfic 
F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? in one of my past lives if it ever happened
G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? rarely. id always get away with the shit i did bc no one even suspected the quiet kid!!!!! lmao
H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? im @ college rn studying languages and dont have a job, and im happy bc if i did id be Dead!
I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos? god idk if it’s too subtle then i can be quite slow to understand it
J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? never been offered
K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking? i dont think so, ive made up my own mind after meeting several people tho
L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? never been offered
M) Tell us something weird that turns you on. ...i’ll pass this question N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? no one gives a flying fuck about my existence lmaooo
O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? SO MANY THINGS but i’ll say only one thats making me super confused: am i bi or the attraction i feel for men is only a result of compulsory heterosexuality? P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? last time people were slutshaming this girl. i didnt like her for other reasons but that was shitty and i call people out sometimes when the disorder permits me but that day i felt bad i couldnt bring myself to say anything lol
Q) Do you usually initiate hugs? rarely
R) Are you a very affectionate person? i’m internally affectionate but i don’t let it show. i have no idea why, but it’s super hard for me to physically and verbally express affection irl i always feel awkward or uncomfortable aaaa
S) Can you roll your own cigarettes? ive never even smoked lol
T) What are you looking forward to? getting my hair cut tomorrow!!!! i can’t believe ill have short hair again
U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more? id probably want some but im too scared of needles haha!
V) Are you mentally strong? im pretty weak but im trying my best
W) Are you physically strong? im the weakest person in the entire world please dont ever fight me its unfair
X) Do you think you’re a good person? i could be a lot better that’s for sure
Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. i wish i had a lottttt of money so i could make the people around me happy and live with less worries AND be in an eternal break!
Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast? i dont eat in the morning bc it makes me feel sick all day tagging: @chencake @mikerutherford @horsegirl1995 @tiinkers-tales @thenineofus @gayusoctgayvius @alexlifesonofficial @dalliscar @piratejenne @auritus @exxogenesis @bruceyiffinson @dirtydeetaurasi please feel totally free to ignore this if u don’t wanna do it!! c:
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gayern-munchen · 7 years
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I got tagged by @fearlesskiki thank you sooo much love
a – age 17
b – biggest fear failure, loneliness or like bees and pigeons
c – current time 10:09 pm
d – drink you last had water
e – every day starts with suffering
f – favorite song right now Una Lady Como Tu - Manuel Turizo
g – ghosts, are they real? I cry if I think about those things so idk
h – hometown Caracas, Venezuela
i – in love with Bastian Schweinsteiger, Paulo Dybala, Neymar, Mesut Ozil and everyone in the world but yeah
j – jealous of people who dont have worries at this time of life
k – killed someone  no
l – last time you cried today bc of school stress life rocks
m – middle name Victoria
n – number of siblings one sister and one brother
o – one wish to graduate and go to the college I want to
p – person you last called/texted I texted @mrtslv
q – question you’ve always asked why am i like this
r – reason to smile sleep, food, my best friends, going out, not caring about anything, my siblings
s – song last sang  Ya No Me Duele Mas
t – time you woke up 5:30 am let me die
u – underwear color - dark blue
v – vacation destination anywhere but here ugh or Venezuela...
w – worst habit  being indecisive af, not letting go, procrastinating, deciding without thinking
x – x-rays you’ve had none 
z – zodiac sign Leo
I tag @mrtslv @tonismadrid @emremcr @rmafangirl @sassybartra @bayern-xo @durmerella @miasanmannschaft
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