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lovessidney · 1 year

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Hey syd hiii!!!ugh mm I was wondering if you can please make a Gerard way x reader she/her fanfic where Gerard and her are both in mcr and they are fwb but she has another boy (you can choose the name) that she met in school that still thinks she’s in love with him until one day she sends him a live picture of Gerard and her kissing and hugging super touchy and he gets jealous and tries to always be around her and protect her but she’s in love with Gerard and they fight over her and their always back stage arguing bc Gerard and her are just so kissy on stage thank you lovely (I absolutely adore you and your work I’m so sorry if this is Long)also can you can make it smut go FERAL!!!

Life on the murder scene

Please note that this explicit story was written by an adult, for adults. If you are under the age of 18, please do not interact.

Trigger warning: Violence, blood.

Pairing: Gerard Way x fem!Reader

Pronouns: she/her (anatomy: AFAB.)

Requested by: the sweetest, loveliest anon.

Summary: (Y/n) is the drummer of My Chemical Romance, and has an unfortunate crush on Gerard. They are also in a friends-with-benefits kind of situatonship. An old fling of (y/n)s come to visit them on tour, and everything gets really ugly before it can turn pretty again.

A/n: This request meant so much to me, it was so sweet. And I also think it’s the first time ever I’ve been called by the nickname Syd, it kinda made me tear up tbh. Sidney is not my rea” name, but it’s what I would prefer to be called irl too, so that was really special to me. Sorry for rambling, let me get back to business. I altered the storyline slightly, as I’m not so good with long-form (as in playing out over a longer period of time) content. I hope it’s still okay though anon. Thank you so much for requesting it.

The drums thundered beneath (y/n)s feet as she hammered away at the kit. Her sticks blurred as they danced between snare and cymbals, keeping the beat alive. The stage lights blazed down on her, casting her in a fiery glow, and the roar of the crowd filled her ears. This was their hometown, and the crowd had never been wilder. They'd never sounded better. The energy was crazy. The audience pulsed with every note, their bodies swaying, their voices raised. She was in her element, her body thrumming with adrenaline and dopamine, every beat of her heart in sync with the music. This was what she lived for, this connection with the crowd, this ecstasy of sound. But she wasn't just watching the crowd. She was watching Gerard. They were on fire tonight, moving across the stage in pure frenzy, their voice soaring above the instruments. She and Gerard had a friends-with-benefits thing going on, and watching them move like this made her go absolutely crazy. Gerard caught her eye, and for a moment, they were locked in a shared intensity. They both knew what this meant, this feeling of being alive, of being in the moment, of being together on stage. The crowd was just a blur now, a background of noise, as they connected through the music.

She knew she shouldn't be doing this, getting involved with someone in the band. It was risky, and it could mess things up. But she couldn't help it. She was in love with Gerard, and every time they played together, she felt it more intensely. They didn't know it, of course, and she didn't dare tell them. She didn't want to ruin what they had. So she focused on the music. She poured all her energy into the drumming, trying to drown out her feelings, trying to stay in the moment. But it was hard. Every time Gerard came close, every time they brushed against her, every time their voice filled her ears, her heart skipped a beat. She couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be with them, really be with them, not just in this awkward friends-with-benefits limbo.

The last song of the night ended, and the crowd exploded into applause. Gerard was grinning, their eyes bright with the thrill of the moment. She’d never seen someone look so beautiful. (Y/n) felt the rush of adrenaline and excitement course through her body, and she couldn't help but grin from ear to ear. She quickly got up from behind her drum kit and joined the rest of the band at the front of the stage. As they stood there, basking in the glow of the crowd's adoration, Gerard put their arm around (y/n)'s waist. She felt a jolt of electricity shoot through her body, her heart racing as she tried to keep her composure. She had been in love with Gerard for so long, and a little gesture like this only made her feelings for them grow stronger.

Suddenly, without warning, Gerard turned towards her and pulled her into a passionate kiss. (Y/n)s body trembled as she responded to the kiss, the heat and intensity of the moment taking over all of her senses. She could feel Gerard's breath hot on her face, their lips moving against hers with an almost desperate urgency. (Y/n) was instantly lost in the moment, the energy of the concert pulsing through her veins as she kissed Gerard back with equal passion. Their bodies pressed together, their tongues exploring each other's mouths with abandon. She could feel the heat of the stage lights on her skin, the sound of the crowd fading into the background as all she could focus on was the feel of Gerard's lips on hers.

The crowd roared even louder, cheering them on as they shared their moment of passion. This wasn't the first time this had happened, but each time it felt just as electric as the last. It was something about the adrenaline and passion that Gerard couldn’t let out in any other way. She was lost in the moment, in the rush of the music and the heat of the kiss. Eventually, the kiss came to an end, and Gerard pulled away, their eyes still locked on hers. (Y/n) was left breathless, her heart pounding in her chest as she tried to catch her breath. She knew that this was something that could never be replicated, something that could only happen in the heat of the moment on stage.

Eventually the band waved goodbye to the crowd before making their way of off stage. (Y/n)s mind was racing, her heart pounding as she tried to make sense of what had just happened, how to feel about all of it. She knew that she was in way too deep with Gerard, that her feelings for them went way beyond just a physical attraction. As they made their way backstage, the rest of the band congratulated each other on a successful show, but (y/n) couldn't focus on anything other than Gerard. She was lost in her thoughts, wondering if they could ever become something more than just this friends-with-benefits arrangement, these random sparks of passion. But for now, she pushed those thoughts aside and just enjoyed the afterglow of the concert, reveling in the adrenaline and passion that still flowed through her body. She knew that she was meant to be on stage, and that nothing else could ever compare to the feeling of being in the moment, of sharing that energy with the crowd, and of sharing that passion for music with the rest of the band.

The day after the gig, (y/n) was feeling a mix of exhaustion and euphoria. She sat in bed, scrolling through MySpace and looking at pictures that fans had taken at the show. As she lazily scrolled through the pictures, her eyes came to rest on a series of shots of her and Gerard making out at the end of the concert. In one particular shot, Gerard was kissing her neck, and (y/n)'s heart skipped a beat at the sight of it. There was something about being with Gerard that made her feel alive in a way that nothing else did. She knew that the kiss was just out of passion and adrenaline, nothing more. Still she couldn't help but feel happy whenever they were together. She chuckled to herself as she closed her laptop and got ready for another day of rehearsals. The tour was starting the day after that, and she knew that they had to be on their A-game if they wanted to make it a success.

(Y/n) sat outside rehearsals with Mikey, looking at her ringing phone. It was Ethan. She sighed deeply. She had really been trying to avoid Ethan. More so since joining the band and specifically since getting to know Gerard. Ethan had been a fling back in school, and it had ended poorly. At least on her end. They hadn’t been in a relationship, so theoretically he hadn’t been cheating while he was sleeping around with half their school but it still felt like a betrayal. She really had had feelings for him once. Those feelings was since long gone though, and now she just wanted to avoid him. She hadn’t really told him that she knew what he’d been up to, rather she’d just tried to cut him off, just ghost him. It wasn’t going that well though. He wasn’t really getting the signals. The phone kept on ringing, and she kept on staring at it. She was sitting outside, taking a break from rehearsals with Mikey. He chuckled at the ringing phone. “You’re sure you shouldn’t take that? It seems like he won’t give up” he asked. Mikey knew part of the story about Ethan, but not the part of why (y/n) wanted to cut contact with him; since she was now interested in Gerard, the charismatic singer of the band and also Mikeys sibling. (Y/n) sighed deeply and picked up the phone. “Okay, fine. I’ll see you back inside then?”

She walked a bit further, away from the bench where Mikey was sitting. She took a deep breath and answered the call. “(Y/n)! Hi!” Ethans voice enthusiastically greeted her. Why was he so chipper, she thought. “Hi Ethan” she answered, a bit more lukewarm in tone. “I’ve been trying to reach you forever. Are you too busy for me now that you have a band and success?” He teased. She frowned, this was really the least person she wanted to have a conversation with and she wished once again that she just had the guts to confront him, so he’d back off once and for all. “It’s been a hectic time lately, we had a gig here at home yesterday, and today is final day of rehearsals for the tour” (y/n) answered, giving as good of an excuse as she could. It wasn’t a lie. They’d been busy. Their second record had just been released, and they’d done lots of PR for it, as well as planning for the upcoming tour. Ethan wouldn’t get that though. He’d never really been supportive of her as a musician, and had always just seen her drumming as a ‘quirky hobby’. In hindsight, (y/n) really didn’t understand what she ever saw in him. Sure, he was good looking, but she couldn’t think of much more. “I saw the pictures on MySpace,” Ethan said, and (y/n) immediately understood which pictures this might be. She sighed internally, and Ethan kept on talking. “I thought maybe I could come see one of your gigs?” Ethan asked. (Y/n)s jaw almost dropped to the ground. Really? Was now the time to be supportive? She mentally cursed herself for not having more of a backbone to tell him off. Never seeing him again would’ve been too soon for her liking. “Are you sure that’s your type of thing? You never used to like to hear me play when we were together back then” she asked, trying to keep her tone as neutral as possible. “Come on (y/n)! I used to love hearing you play and sing.” That was just a blatant lie, she though immediately. “Uh, yeah, I guess you could come see us the in a few days, if you really want.” Maybe she could end whatever it still was they had while Ethan was visiting, she thought to herself.

She returned back to the bench where Mikey was still sitting, drinking a coke. “Mikey, why the hell was I born with absolutely no fucking backbone?” she asked him. Mikey was a close friend at this point, and he always gave her good advice, whatever the matter was. He chuckled and took another sip of coke. “What happened? It can’t possibly be that bad (y/n)” he said with a friendly smile. (Y/n) sighed deeply. “Ethan is coming out to one of our gigs. I just couldn’t say no” she explained. “Okay. That’s actually pretty bad” he said with a chuckle. “You don’t need him anymore (y/n). I get that it’s hard to just cut someone off like that, but I think it’d be for the best.” (Y/n) smiled at him. He always understood. “I know, I know. I’m going to tell him when he comes to see us. Get him out for good”.

They headed back inside where Gerard, Ray and Frank were waiting for them and continued rehearsing. They all wanted to sound their best this tour. It was something Ray had said in an interview, about wanting the crowd to feel like “they’d just been fucked” when they left a gig. They’d all taken it to heart, and more than anything they wanted to create a lasting impression on the people that actually came out to see them. Soon, afternoon came to evening and the band members began dropping off. Then, at last, there was just (y/n) and Gerard left. As soon as Frank, the last of the three other members, had left the room the whole atmosphere changed. The way Gerard looked at her went from careful glances when the rest of the band was present to something more like a a hunger now. For a moment (y/n) tried to pretend not to notice the way Gerard looked at her, playing along to a backing track of Helena and focusing on getting emotion into the beat of the song. Gerard sat on the sofa, just staring. Eventually the song came to an end and (y/n) had to remove her headphones and meet Gerards gaze.

“What?” (Y/n) asked, despite knowing exactly what was on Gerards mind. It wasn’t the first time they were looking at her like this after all. "God, you're so talented," Gerard said, while taking big strides across the room to (y/n). "I can't believe how lucky I am to have you as my drummer”. (Y/n) knew that Gerard appreciated her musical abilities, otherwise she wouldn’t have gotten the job, but it still meant a lot to hear them say it. “Thanks” she said, trying to keep herself together while she could feel her cheeks heating up. “You’re not all too bad yourself, you know.” Gerard smirked at her and stepped closer. "You know, there's something else I appreciate about you," they said, their voice now barely above a low whisper. (Y/n) looked up at them from her place behind the drums, knowing where this could possibly lead. She decided to play along. “Oh yeah? What’s that?” she asked, her pulse quickening with anticipation. Gerard leaned in, their breath hot against (y/n)s ear. "The way you play, the way you move, the way you look," they murmured. "It's all so fucking sexy”. (Y/n) gasped at the sudden intensity of Gerard's words. She had always known that their relationship was more about physical attraction than an emotional connection. She had always hoped for more. But hearing Gerard speak so explicitly about their desire was still hit her straight in the heart. Before (y/n) could respond, Gerard closed the gap between them and pressed their lips to (y/n)s. The kiss was rough and urgent, full of pent-up passion and longing. As they kissed, Gerard's hands roamed over (y/n)'s body, tracing the contours of her curves and sending shivers down her spine. (Y/n) moaned softly into the kiss, their own hands reaching up to tangle in Gerard's hair, pulling slightly at it, knowing just what they liked. The way they moaned into her mouth made her proud, for lack of a better word. Knowing that she did that to them did things to her as well. They broke apart to catch their breath. (Y/n) smiled up at Gerard. A smile with connotations not suitable for the world outside. But with just the two of them, alone, what did it matter? "What are we waiting for?" she asked, taking Gerards hand and pulling them towards the couch. "Let's make some music."

She softly pushed them down on the couch and straddled their hips. The whine they let out at the new found friction was enough for (y/n) to feel a surge of warmth trough her body. Gerard pulled her closer, and she more than willingly grinded down against them. With one of their arms around her waist and the other wrapping around her neck they nipped at her earlobe before moving lower, kissing and nipping down her neck. (Y/n) groaned at the sensation, letting out a disappointed whine as they stopped. “Oh, was that good?” Gerard asked, grinning up at her. (Y/n) nodded enthusiastically. She ran her fingers through Gerard's dark hair, enjoying the sensation of their soft locks beneath her fingertips. She grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled slightly, eliciting a moan from far down Gerards throat. They leaned in to kiss (y/n) again, their tongues tangling together with ease. Gerard slid further down, continued to kiss along (y/n)s neck and collarbone. (Y/n) felt heat rush to her face as Gerard nibbled and sucked at her exposed skin.

Their hips met each others as she ground down against Gerard, making her gasp as she felt the bulge in Gerards, now way to tight, jeans. They pulled away to catch their breath before returning to the task at hand. Gerard's hands slid down her sides, carefully sliding her skirt of her hips. She stood up to kick it off and Gerard continued their work with her top, undoing the buttons and pulling the garment up and over her head. Her underwear was likewise discarded, tossed haphazardly on the floor. Now completely naked, (y/n) let out a pleased sigh as Gerard continued to pleasure her with their kisses, keeping her distracted while they undressed themselves. (Y/n) kissed Gerard deeply, letting their tongues tangle together as their hands explored each others bodies.

When they finally broke apart again, Gerard was pushing their pants down their legs, kicking free with ease. (Y/n) watched in fascination as Gerard pushed down his underwear, revealing themselves fully to her. Their cock was already hard, leaking with precum. Gerard carefully laid (y/n) down on the sofa and spread her legs open, and pulled her closer, slowly moving their hands up her thigh and towards her pussy. She shuddered, excited by the growing need within her. Gerard's fingers brushed against her, tracing the edges of her cunt and gliding along them. (Y/n) groaned at the touch, her eyes closing as she bit her lip. Gerard's finger slipped inside of her, teasingly slow at first before gradually speeding up. (Y/n) sighed, leaning into Gerard's hand as they worked her over. Their thumb rubbed firmly over her clit, occasionally rubbing it in circles. Her breathing began to come faster, her heart beating wildly as she rode their hand.

"Fuck me," (y/n) whispered, breaking the silence. Gerard grinned at her, sliding one more finger into her with ease. "Mhm, everything in good time" Gerard replied, pulling out to rub her clit again. Gerard's tongue snaked out of their mouth, darting out to tease her nipple. (Y/n) bit her lip to try to keep from moaning, knowing that Gerard could tell she was close. Gerard's fingers sped up their pace, working her over with skill and familiarity. (Y/n) moaned helplessly, unable to concentrate on anything but the pleasure. Gerard rubbed her clit faster, while their tongue circled her nipple. “Oh God, Gerard," (y/n) whimpered, her voice shaking. "Please..." Her words were cut short as she came, going limp as she cried out.

They slowed down their rhythm, giving (y/n) time to get used to the change before going back to work. Gerard licked at (y/n)s nipples, causing (y/n) to whimper in delight. Gerard kept up their fingering, working her over until she was begging for release once more. "Fuck!" (Y/n) cried out. She threw their head back, arching her back in bliss as her orgasm rocked her. Gerard curled their fingers inside of her, hitting just the spot she needed. They stopped, waiting to see if (y/n) was finished with them yet. (Y/n) looked up at them, her eyes hooded with lust.

"Gerard, I need you to fuck me now. Or so help me god". Gerard smirked at her, but wanted nothing more than to obey. They quickly got atop of her. They kissed passionately, their hands roaming over each others bodies as they moved together. When Gerard entered, (y/n) gasped with pleasure. They started slow, but built up speed steadily. Soon they were both moving with abandon, Gerard thrusting deep into (y/n). They rolled over on the couch, (y/n) now on top. She knew Gerard loved it like this. They sounded so needy, like this was what they had been waiting for the whole day. She grabbed a fistful of their hair and tugged slightly as she ground her hips into them, picking up the pace as Gerards hips began stuttering. "That’s so fucking perfect" Gerard cried out, bucking his hips into (y/n), driving themselves deeper inside of her. ”That’s it” she encouraged Gerard. ”Come for me. I want to see you break.” And it wasn't long before Gerard could no longer hold back. Their legs shook uncontrollably, muscles tightening and hips desperately stuttering as the white hot pressure raced through their body. Gerard cried out, throwing their head back with an unholy moan as their orgasm hit them. They went completely limp as (y/n) stilled in their lap.

They stayed like that for just a moment. That moment meant everything to (y/n), just getting to be close to Gerard. She treasured those moments of closeness almost as much as the ones on stage. But she knew she couldn’t stay. Hastily, she got off their lap and gathered her clothes, quickly putting them on again. Gerard was still sitting on the couch, dazed. ”I have to get going Gee, but I’ll meet you here tomorrow at 11. That’s when the bus comes to pick us up, right?” She tried her best to sound casual, like her heart wasn’t aching from having to leave them. But the proverbial show had to go on.

The first couple of shows of the tour had been absolutely amazing, and (y/n) couldn’t wait to play again the upcoming evening. But first she had to deal with a day of Ethan. He had arrived in town earlier that day, and they were all supposed to meet up for lunch. (Y/n) dreaded it, and as they sat down to eat, she couldn't help but notice the way Ethan kept staring at her. He seemed to be trying to flirt with her, bringing up old memories and trying to make her laugh. It made (y/n) uncomfortable, and she while she really didn’t want him there, she couldn’t help to feel bad. Maybe he had the idea that something could still happen between them. She looked over at Gerard, who sat across from them, trying his best to be polite, but something wasn’t quite right. If (y/n) didn’t know any better she almost would’ve thought his mood could be summed up to jealousy. Gerard could see the way Ethan was looking at (y/n), and it made them feel uneasy. They tried to engage in the conversation, but Ethan seemed to ignore them, focusing all of his attention on (y/n). Eventually, (y/n) managed to make an excuse for them to leave the unpleasant situation at restaurant, realising they had soundcheck coming up.

During soundcheck, Ethan's presence was felt like a dark cloud hanging over them. He acted strangely, standing off to the side and barely answering when spoken to. Gerard could sense the tension between (y/n) and Ethan, and he couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. After soundcheck, they all gathered backstage, waiting for the gig to start. Ethan was still there, hovering around (y/n) and trying to make conversation, and Gerard was beginning to worry. They knew part of (y/n) and Ethans history, and it made them nervous. Of course, they had no say in if (y/n) and Ethan got back together, but still, it would be heartbreaking. They were fed up with the way Ethan was acting, and he wanted to make sure that (y/n) knew how they felt about it, as they could see she was starting to look uncomfortable too.

Gerard was struggling to keep cool, their jealousy boiling just below the surface. It was an ugly, ugly emotion. Especially since they and (y/n) really wasn’t together. But still they couldn’t help but feel it. They tried to focus on the upcoming gig, but their thoughts kept drifting back to (y/n) and Ethan. They couldn't shake the feeling that Ethan was trying to win her back, and the thought made them feel sick to their stomach.

As they waited for their cue to go on stage, Gerard pulled (y/n) aside, away from Ethan's prying eyes. "I don't like the way he's acting around you," they said, their voice low and serious. "He's making me uncomfortable, and I don't want him to hurt your feelings again.” (Y/n) was taken aback by Gerard's concern. She could feel the tension between them, and it made her heart race. "I know," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "But I can handle him. I'm not going to let him ruin our night." Gerard looked at her for a moment, their eyes meeting. They wanted to say so much more, to tell her how they really felt, but they couldn't find the words. Instead, Gerard leaned in and kissed her, their lips meeting with passion. The kiss was electric, sending shivers down (y/n)'s spine. She could feel Gerard's arms around her, pulling her close. It was like nothing else mattered in that moment, just the two of them together. They finally broke apart and (y/n) looked at Gerard, absolutely perplexed. The whole situation was so unusual. ”For good luck” Gerard finally managed to say with a wink and a smile, before stepping out on stage.

As the band took to the stage, the crowd erupted into cheers and screams. The atmosphere was electric, and the band could feel it coursing through their veins. They played with a fierce energy, each member pouring their heart and soul into every note. Gerard, in particular, seemed to be on fire. They danced across the stage with a wild abandon, their movements more suggestive and provocative than ever before. Their eyes kept flicking back to where (y/n) sat behind the drums, and every time they made contact, a jolt of electricity seemed to pass between them.

Despite the incredible energy of the show, Gerard found that they couldn't fully focus on the music. Their mind kept drifting back to (y/n), to the way she looked behind the drums, to the way she screamed along to the lyrics as she played.

Finally, as the last song rang out, Gerard couldn't take it any longer. They strode across the stage, eyes fixed on (y/n), and pulled her to her feet. The crowd erupted into cheers and applause as Gerard pressed his lips to hers, his kiss filled with more passion and intensity than ever before. For a moment, they were lost in each other, the rest of the world falling away as their bodies pressed together. It was as though they were the only two people in the world, lost in a moment of pure passion and desire.

Finally, as the song came to an end, they pulled away from each other, their eyes locked in a fierce gaze. The crowd roared their approval, and (y/n) felt a thrill of excitement race through her body. This was what it was all about. The music, the passion, and the wild, unpredictable ride that came with it.

(Y/n) had seen the way Ethan had looked at her when she sat behind the drum kit. If someone would’ve asked her just over a year ago what she would do to make him look at her like that, she would’ve offered the world. Now, it felt wrong. It felt like Ethan was just here now because she’d ‘become someone’, like he thought what he’d done didn’t matter. It made her uncomfortable and she tried her best not to think about his presence and just focus on the music. Just making the gig count. What she hadn’t seen was the way he looked at her and Gerard when the were half way to making out at the end of the show. The look in Ethans eyes had been that of slight disgust, and somewhere in there, despise for Gerard.

On her way off stage (y/n) stopped to talk to her drum tech, just talking the set-up and some things that needed fine-tuning through in before the next gig. As she walked through the corridors she thought she could hear screaming. She shook her head, it was probably just the crowd hoping for another encore.

Gerard arrived backstage before any of the other members of the band. They were surprised to see Ethan there, with his arms crossed over his chest and pure anger in his eyes. ”You fucking disgust me” Ethan spat at Gerard as they entered the room. Gerard was still pumped up on adrenaline from the show, and the ecstasy flipped to anger much quicker than any of them expected. Gerard glared daggars at the man. ”What’s your bloody problem?” Gerard spat back. ”My problem is that you’re corrupting (y/n). The way you act on stage is repulsive, you’re dragging her down with you” Ethan answered, stepping closer to Gerard. They just stared at him for a moment. And when Gerard didn’t answer Ethan continued. ”(Y/n) used to be so good. Such a nice, sweet girl. Now she’s in the gutter with you.” Gerard was fine with people insulting them, they didn’t really care, but the moment Ethan took (y/n)s name in his mouth it was like something boiled over.

They crossed the room in just a few strides and swung directly at Ethans face. It was so quick, and they were surprised at their own action. They weren’t one to get into fights typically, but if someone was worth fighting for, it was (y/n). The blow connected, but not enough to knock Ethan down. Ethan dodged backwards while trying to keep standing. Gerard kept swinging, but now that Ethan had his head in the game it was harder to hit. A moment of lost focus allowed Ethan to get a hit in. A hit straight over Gerards mouth, splitting their lip open. Gerard staggered backwards, but stayed on their feet. Ethan followed, ready for another round. Gerard knew they wouldn't last long if the fight went on, Ethan was both taller and stronger than them. "You don't get to speak about (y/n) like that" Gerard growled, shoving Ethan away. Ethan stumbled back several steps. "Yeah? Well she's going to regret leaving me if it’s you she’ll be stuck with" Ethan said before pushing Gerard to the ground and managing to pin them down. Gerard tried to twist free, but Ethan held them tight, pressing them against the floor. "I told you to leave her alone. And I'm not warning you again.” Ethan gritted out through clenched teeth. Gerard struggled hard, but couldn't get Ethan off. "Why should I listen to you? You're not even her boyfriend anymore, you blew that chance ages ago.” Ethan looked like he was about to punch Gerard again, and like this punch would be something other than the earlier ones. ”Well neither are you. You’re delusional if you think she’d ever want to be with someone like you” Ethan bit back.

And at the exact moment Gerard squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for a hit to the face they heard (y/n)s voice. ”Ethan! What the fuck is wrong with you?” she screamed at him. Both Gerard and Ethan was taken by surprise, and while Ethan couldn’t even begin to think of an excuse for the situation she’d found them in, (y/n) had more to say. ”Get off him right fucking now, you bastard” she yelled. ”But-” Ethan began, not quite sure where the sentence would go. ”But fucking nothing. You’re leaving right fucking now.” she spat angrily at him. ”So you’re really choosing them before me? (Y/n), are you sure about that?” he answered, voice almost mocking as he let Gerard go and stood up. (Y/n) looked at Ethan like he was absolutely insane. ”They are my best friend. They’re the world to me. You’re just an embarrassing history I can’t seem to shake. You’re leaving right fucking now and I never want to see you again. Do you understand?” (y/n) shouted at him, looking like she was about to punch him too. Angry tears were welling up in her eyes. Ethan stood still. ”I said now! Or I’m calling security”. Just a moment later security rushed through the door anyway, having been made aware of the racket. (Y/n) tried her best to calm down as she told them what had happened and directed them to escort Ethan of the premises. As soon as he was out the door she fell to her knees next to Gerard who was still laying on the floor.

”Gerard?” she asked, trying to get their attention. Gerard blinked slowly and looked up at (y/n). They saw she was crying and reached up a shaky hand to wipe a tear off her cheek. ”Don’t cry (y/n). It’s okay. Everything is okay. I’m fine, I promise” Gerard said softly and mustered up a smile, which immediately made them wince in pain. She pulled them into a hug and held them close for a long time.

Some of the personell at the venue had offered to take care of Gerard, but (y/n) had insisted on doing it herself. It was her fault that Gerard was in this state, and she’d be damned if she didn’t do her best to fix it. With a first aid kit in one hand and Gerard by the other they walked towards the bathroom. A bathroom where they, in any other situation, would probably have had sex right now. She carefully sat them down on the floor before turning to rummage through the first aid kit. She found what she was looking for. Cotton balls and some asol to clean the wounds, and plasters to cover them up. She squatted besides Gerards place on the floor. “What were you thinking, Gee? You could’ve gotten much worse hurt than this” (y/n) said, trying her best to conceal the genuine worry for them. Gerard smirked at her with a bloody lip. “He had it coming” was all they said. (Y/n) shook her head but smiled at Gerard.

She got a cotton ball ready and held it up to their face. “Okay, are you ready? This might sting a bit” she warned them, as if they’d never had a wound cleaned before. She softly dabbed the cotton ball against their split lip. Gerards eyes screwed shut and they winced at the feeling. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” (y/n) said softly. She cleaned the wounds one after one before plastering them up. She looked at Gerard. Even like this, with a split lip and bruises beginning to form, they were absolutely stunning. “Okay Gee, you’re all fixed up”. Gerard smiled softly at (y/n). “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that you know” they said with a voice that told (y/n) they were grateful but somewhat ashamed about the whole situation. She was just about to stand up when Gerard grabbed her hand. They looked at her with big eyes. “Would you kiss me?” (Y/n) smiled at them, just slightly perplexed by the whole situation. But how could she ever say no to kissing Gerard. They were a dream. Her dream. She had never loved someone like she loved Gerard. She leaned in and pressed her lips to Gerards, softly and sweetly. The feeling between them was something unfamiliar, but Gerard responded eagerly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into their lap. After a moment, they pulled away, both breathless and smiling. "Feeling better?" (y/n) asked, grinning. "Definitely," Gerard replied, his eyes sparkling in a way that made (y/n)s heart skip a beat. (Y/n) grinned back at them. "Good. Now, what do you say we go find the rest of the band and have dinner?” Gerard nodded, still grinning. "Sounds perfect to me."

The whole band walked through the streets, looking for some place to have dinner. They were all talking and laughing about the gig they’d just played. No one seemed to dare mention the fight afterwards, all of them talking around it like the elephant in the room. Until Frank decided not to. “I mean, it’s a shame you got your ass kicked, Gee. It really is. But I must say, I didn’t think you had it in you to throw a swing first like that.” The sentence piqued (y/n)s interest. Gerard had thrown the first swing. It didn’t quite make sense to her. Why would they do that? She decided not to take part in the conversation and instead turned to Ray to compliment him on the solos he’d played on stage. Ray always played amazing solos, and she made sure to tell him every single night. The two of them soon got lost in a conversation and she didn’t manage to hear the rest of what’d played out before the fight backstage.

After searching the streets for way too long they eventually stumbled upon a small bar with a neon sign that read "Food & Drinks". The place looked a little dingy, but the smell of cooking food wafting out of the kitchen window was enough to make their stomachs growl. The group walked in and took a table in the corner. They ordered drinks and food, chatting and laughing the whole time. Once they were all settled with food, they ordered a round of shots to celebrate the successful gig. The group lifted their glasses and cheered to the future of the band. Gerard was particularly excited and kept making jokes and laughing loudly. (Y/n) couldn't help but feel a warm, fuzzy feeling in their chest at seeing Gerard so happy, despite the situation backstage. As they sat there, the conversation focused in on the gig they just played. Frank started talking about how the crowd was electric and how their energy had been absolutely crazy. Ray chimed in, saying that it was the best they'd ever played as a band. Mikey agreed, nodding his head in enthusiasm. (Y/n) listened to them talk, a feeling of pride swelling in her chest. She hadn’t played with them for that long, just since before they started recording the second album, but she treasured every moment of it.

As the night wore on, the drinks started flowing a little more freely. The group got louder and rowdier, shouting and singing along to the music playing over the speakers. After a few more rounds of shots, Gerard was starting to get noticeably drunk, and seemed to have lost their good spirit. The alcohol had strengthened the despair they felt, rather than making them forget it. They kept swaying in their seat and slurring their words. (Y/n) was worried about them, but they insisted they were fine. They talked for a while longer, about everything and nothing at all. The rest of them laughed and joked around, enjoying each other's company. Gerard stumbled a bit as he got up from his seat to go to the bar, and (y/n) caught them before they fell. She looked at the rest of the band, who were all smiling and chuckling at Gerard's drunken antics, also too drunk to notice how sad Gerard seemed. "Come on, Gerard," (y/n) said, wrapping her arm around their waist to steady them. "Let's get you back to the hotel." Gerard leaned their head against her shoulder, their eyes half-closed. "Okay," they said with a soft voice. They said their goodbyes to the rest of the band that had decided to stay a bit longer, and made their way into the night.

As (y/n) and Gerard stumbled out of the bar and into the cool night air, (y/n) wrapped her arm tightly around Gerard's waist, trying to steady them as they walked. Gerard leaned heavily on her, their steps unsteady and their words slurred. "Thanks for taking care of me," Gerard said, their voice almost too quiet for (y/n) to make out. "Of course," (y/n) replied, her voice gentle. "I'm always here for you, Gee.” As they walked, the night grew quiet around them. The only sounds were their footsteps against the pavement and the occasional car passing by. They walked in silence for a few more minutes until (y/n) spoke up. "You seem awfully quiet, what’s on your mind?” she asked, her voice soft. Gerard was lost in thought, their mind consumed by worries about what Ethan had said. Gerard didn't want to burden (y/n) with their worries, but they just couldn't shake the feeling that she was too good for them. They shook their head, trying to clear the thoughts that was bringing them down. "It's nothing," they said finally. "Just thinking."

They arrived at the hotel, and (y/n) helped Gerard up the stairs and to his room. They stood outside Gerards door for a moment, both of them silent. "Thanks for tonight," Gerard said finally, their voice somber and with a bittersweet smile. "Anytime," (y/n) replied, smiling at them sweetly. Gerard was still lost in thought, mind consumed by doubts and fears. But then (y/n) spoke again, her voice warm. "You know, you're really quite handsome, even with a split lip," she said. Gerard smiled, feeling a warmth spreading through their chest. ”Handsome enough for you to come inside with me?” they said with a playful wink, regaining some composure and hope. (Y/n) didn’t say anything, she just leaned in and kissed Gerard softly on the lips. The kiss so was gentle at first, but quickly grew more passionate, both of them lost in the moment. Gerards lips were soft and warm against hers, and she could taste the alcohol on their tongue. Their arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close as they kissed. (Y/n) could feel the heat of their body against hers, and it made her feel alive. Their tongues danced together, the passion between them building with each passing moment. (Y/n) could feel her heart racing in her chest as Gerard's hand moved up to cup her cheek, deepening the kiss even further. She ran her fingers through their hair, feeling the soft strands slip through her fingers. The kiss was intoxicating, and (y/n) found herself lost in the moment. She pulled Gerard closer, as if closer was a thing to be possible, and for a few brief moments, all of Gerard's worries faded away, replaced by the warmth of (y/n)'s touch. They stood close together, foreheads pressed against each others while they tried to catch their breath. “Okay. Let’s get inside” (y/n) demanded, eyes dark with desire.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Gerards hands were all over (y/n)s body. They quickly pulled her jacket and t-shirt off, then stopping for just a moment to admire the sight. ”God, you’re so fucking gorgeous (y/n)” they said, panting, before closing the space between them again. They stumbled their way over to the bed and fell onto it, without ever breaking apart. Gerards coat and t-shirt got lost somewhere on the way. (Y/n) quickly got on top of Gerard and pinned their hands down on the bed over their head. They looked up at her, pupils blown wide with desire.

She watched as his eyes tried to take in every inch of her naked skin, in slight disbelief. Gerard leaned up and kissed (y/n), pouring out everything they were feeling into the kiss. She let them keep that up for a moment before pushing them back down into the bed. Once they were flat on their back, (y/n) leaned in to kiss their neck. Gerard moaned softly as she sucked on a particularly sensitive spot on their neck and rolled her hips against theirs. ”Oh god (y/n). Please, more. That feels so good” they whined, barely keeping their thoughts straight. (Y/n) smiled down at them gently before pressing her lips down towards their chest. She licked each nipple, then took one into her mouth, sucking hard. Gerard let out a breathy moan and arched their back, gripping at the sheets around them. They were already hard from her working them over, but this made it so much hard to be patient. She pulled away and moved her free hand down their body. She rubbed their cock through their jeans at a agonisingly slow pace.

Gerard groaned as their hips bucked and their stomach tightened, straining against the fabric of their pants. (Y/n) smiled down at them, then turned her attention back to their cock. She slowly unbuttoned their pants, pulling them down to their ankles before tossing them aside along with the boxers underneath. She ran her fingers up and down their length, watching it twitch when she brushed across its sensitive tip. It throbbed and grew even harder under her touch. She looked down at Gerard, kissing their chest as she continued to stroke their cock. Gerard was breathing heavily, trying to get their hands free so that they could touch her.

”Please (y/n), I need to touch you. Please” Gerard begged her, their voice desperate. Her breath caught in her throat and she stopped stroking them, instead leaning down to kiss their lips softly, her tongue slipping between their lips with ease. They moaned deeply, trying to reach up to get more of her. She pulled away and stood up. Gerard eyes followed her as she unbuckled her belt and slid it through the loops of her jeans. Gerard's eyes widened as they watched her pull the zipper down, revealing her panties. She slid those down over her thighs along with the jeans. Gerard craned their neck, watching her strip. Their cock twitched and swelled even further under her stare. (Y/n) bit her lip, letting a satisfied smirk cross her face as she stepped out of her jeans and underwear. She kicked them away before standing in front of Gerard, naked.

She grinned down at Gerard as she dropped to her knees on the bed before them. They looked at her with wide, desperate eyes as (y/n) bent down towards their hard cock. She wrapped her hand around it and gave it a few slow strokes. Gerard groaned deeply, moving their hips up and down slightly in attempt to get more out of her touch. She smirked down at them, taking their cock into her mouth. (Y/n) sucked on it roughly, bobbing her head up and down. ”Fucking god. (Y/n), please. More.” They didn’t even know what they were begging for, they just knew that they wanted whatever she would give them. (Y/n) gave them a few more strokes before she pulled back up, looking up at Gerard with a devilish grin on her face. She licked her lips before leaning down again. She took their cock in until the tip hit her throat, then let go of it. Gerard cried out loudly as she worked up and down his shaft, her tongue sliding along the underside of their cock with every move. She looked up at Gerard, who had a look of pure ecstasy on his face.

She looked up to see their eyes meeting her own, their pupils blown wide open. They held her gaze as she sucked their dick, making sure to keep eye contact. Gerard was shaking on the bed, their hips jerking up and down, trying to get more from her. She hummed gently into their cock, their hips bucking as she bobbed her head faster. ”(Y/n), please. If you keep this up I’m not going to last” they gasped, trying to keep their hips still. She grinned mischievously and pulled off. Gerard groaned as (y/n) climbed back up, straddling them. She ran her hands down his chest and stomach, then leaned in to kiss them passionately. ”Are you ready?” she whispered in Gerards ear while positioning herself over their cock. They nodded quickly, with eyes screaming of desperation. She smiled down at them and lowered herself down. She moaned as she felt their cock slide deep inside her, stretching her tightness. She threw her head back and moaned loudly, and Gerard could’ve sworn they’d never heard a more beautiful sound in their life.

(Y/n) ground their hips against Gerard, then leaned forward as she began to bounce up and down. She looked down at Gerard, watching their expression. They were so beautiful. Their rosy cheeks, desperate eyes and mouth slightly agape. Gerard put their hands on her hips, helping her up and down their shaft. They closed their eyes, biting their lip to keep from crying out. The pressure was building, their body tensing up as their climax was rapidly approaching. (Y/n) knew exactly what they were feeling and slowed down to keep them right there on the edge. Gerard's grip tightened on her hips, but then immediately they let go, as if afraid they'd lose control and hurt her. But she just laughed and rocked her hips faster, causing them to let out a loud cry. (Y/n) rode them out, slow and steady, until Gerard couldn't take it anymore. He bucked up into her as she came down onto him, their bodies exploding together. (Y/n) threw her head back as the waves of her orgasm crashed through her. Her body relaxed as she came back down to earth, but Gerard was still trembling underneath her. (Y/n) slid off of them, just taking a moment to lay beside them in bed. But she knew she had to leave.

After just a moment she sat up, while Gerard laid still in bed. She looked for her clothes. Clothes that made a trail from the door to the bed. She sighed and reached for her panties to put them on before going after the rest of the clothes. Carefully she stood up, legs a little wobbly both from alcohol and sex. After collecting the rest of her clothes she sat down on the edge off the bed again, starting to put on her t-shirt. That’s when she felt Gerards hand on her hip. She turned to look at them and was surprised to see them look sad again, like the earlier effect of the alcohol had doubled down on them. In combination with the bandaged cuts and bruises they really looked miserable.

She leaned over and caressed Gerards cheek. It didn’t count to the ordinary, but this wasn’t an ordinary situation either. “What’s wrong Gee?” She asked carefully, not quite knowing what to expect to hear. “Do you really have to go (y/n)?” Gerard asked with a small voice. She looked at them, perplexed. “No. Not really” she said, confused. “Do you want me to stay with you?” she then asked, just to clarify to herself that she’d understood Gerard correctly. They smiled a melancholic smile and nodded. (Y/n) didn’t quite know how to handle this new situation. Sure, she’d seen Gerard sad before, but not in a situation like this. But if they really wanted her to stay, then of course she’d stay. She took off her shirt again and got back under the blanket. Carefully she took Gerard into her arms. They crawled close and rested their head on her chest while she softly stroked their hair. “What’s the matter honey?” she asked softly, daring a term of endearment. “I just want you to stay. I always want you to stay afterwards” Gerard murmured into her chest. She kissed their black mop of hair softly. “You could’ve just told me”. Gerard sighed deeply. “I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to make things weird between us, if you didn’t feel the same” they explained after a moment of silence. They looked up at her, half expecting a negative reaction, aversion. Instead they saw (y/n) smiling down at them. “I’ve always wanted to stay, Gee. I just didn’t know how to tell you” she said, echoing their words back to them. They just looked at each other for a moment before Gerards face broke up into a smile. “Really?” they asked, not quite believing what they were hearing. She smiled back at them. “Really, Gee. I promise.”

Gerard kissed her softly. Not like they usually kissed. Not with the fever or hunger that she was used to. This was something else, something sweet and almost shy, like the kiss they’d shared when she’d taken care of Gerard after the fight. “I really adore you, you know. I’ve always adored you, and the whole situation with Ethan just made me so jealous. I just have to let you know how I feel, even if you don’t feel the same” Gerard whispered softly in her ear. It made her heart skip a beat, those were the words she had waited for for so long. She looked at them, slowly putting the puzzle pieces together. “Was that why you got into that fight with him before?” she asked, carefully. Gerard nodded slightly. “Yeah, he said some really idiotic things about you. About us too, I guess” they confessed. (Y/n) looked at Gerard, slightly confused. ”He said that I’m ruining you and that you’re too good for me. And I guess he’s right. You are too good for me. Too good to be true” Gerard mumbled, a lonesome tear rolling down their cheek. (Y/n) wiped the tear off their face. ”Oh, sweetheart. Don’t cry. It’s okay, everything’s okay” she whispered softly in Gerards ear. They looked up at (y/n), at her soft, sweet smile. More tears started coming, their bottom lip trembling. She pulled them closer and held them tight. ”Gee, honey, there’s no place I’d rather be, no one I’d rather be and no one I’d rather be with than you” she whispered calmingly while drying off more tears. She kissed their forehead, over and over again, until the tears seemed to have stop. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine” she sang softly while wiping away their tears. “You make me happy, when skies are gray” she continued, whispering in their ear. Gerard looked up at her with big eyes. “You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.”

Gerard snuggled up closer to (y/n), enjoying the warmth and comfort of her embrace. They breathed in sync, feeling the rise and fall of each other's chest. (Y/n) softly stroked Gerard's hair, running her fingers through the messy locks. They lay like that for a while, just basking in the afterglow of their intimate moment. (Y/n) could feel the tension in Gerard's body slowly dissipating, as they relaxed more and more into her arms. Eventually, (y/n) spoke up, breaking the peaceful silence between them. "I'm going to get you a glass of water, okay?" she whispered. Gerard groaned slightly, not wanting to move ever again. "Do I have to?" they mumbled, burying their face into (y/n)'s neck. (Y/n) chuckled softly. "Yes, you do. You'll get a headache otherwise, and we don't want that, do we?" Gerard sighed and reluctantly untangled themselves from (y/n)'s embrace. They sat up and watched as (y/n) got out of bed, stretching her limbs before padding over to the kitchenette to get a glass of water. As (y/n) came back to bed, Gerard sat up and took the glass from her, taking a few sips before setting it down on the nightstand. They snuggled back up to (y/n), sighing contentedly as they rested their head on her chest once more.

They lay there for a while longer, talking softly about everything and nothing in particular. Eventually, exhaustion caught up with them, and they drifted off to sleep in each other's arms, for the first time ever.

Thank you for reading! And applauds if you made it to the end. I hope you enjoyed whatever this was, and if you ever want to send me a request, my inbox is always open!

#My Chemical Romance fanfic #Gerard Way fanfic #Gerard Way x reader #Smut #Ssidney writes #tw: violence #tw: blood

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nightcrawlerzincorporated · 1 year

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i have some more bc now i’m curious about your mysterious least favorite and also i’m enjoying your analyses :)

the gang turns black, charlie has cancer (for the mac/carmen plot line), a lot of charlie gets crippled, the gang gives back, sweet dee’s dating a r person (love the rock band storyline tho), thundergun express

it’s hard for me to say i dislike episodes entirely bc there are always parts i like but yeah as a whole i would say these are in my bottom 20

The Gang Turns Black: disagree. I was shocked to learn this one was so hated honestly. I love musical episodes, and I think all their singing is perfectly fine (I don’t know why people say they sound bad??) and the songs are mostly funny and catchy. And I know people think the Quantum Leap thing is stupid but I like it. I like the idea that the gang are so racist it would take a literal magical scenario for them to learn how to be better. I like that the final message of the episode is the reality of systemic racism and police brutality, but I get that’s heavy for a sunny episode and some people find it tactless and I understand completely if anyone feels that way.

Charlie Has Cancer: agree. Honestly I’ve seen this episode so few times specifically because of that plot line. But because I’ve seen it so few times I barely remember it and so don’t have a big rant prepared. But my biggest take away is—it’s one thing to show the characters being transphobic, because they’re horrible people that’s just what the show is, but when the camera is transphobic that’s just the writers thinking the idea of a trans woman having a penis is funny and expecting the audience to find it funny too. Awful. Honestly maybe this one is my least favorite I’ve just seen it so few times and so long ago it’s hard to even remember for me. I don’t even remember the Charlie plot at all or what Dee was doing if anything.

Charlie Gets Crippled: I think agree depending on what you mean by “a lot of”. The stuff about being in a wheelchair getting them free strippers is stupid and based on the false idea that life is somehow easier for disabled people because of pity (wrong and bad). And pretending to be disabled to get attention does make sense for the characters to think of and again it’d be one thing for the characters to be proven wrong but the episode plays it like they��re right and being disabled does get you adoration which uh. If you’ve ever actually been in public with an assistance device you know how wrong that is. But I like the Dennis and Dee stuff and of course our dear friend Mr Tibbs (RIP). I love the opening where Dennis runs Charlie over in his haste to flee from his shitty dad. I love that Frank is introduced as being “manically depressed” for most of his life—it’s a good way to set up the way he acts throughout the rest of the show. But yeah a lot of bad with the good. I don’t watch it often.

The Gang Gives Back: disagree! I love this episode! The gang are so horrible I think there’s a lot of humor in pairing them up with kids (also why I love Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties). I love Mac and Dee competing to be head coach and I love the horrible dangerous things they tell the kids to do. I love that Frank “trying to bond” with Dennis turns out to be a ruse for Frank’s gambling, something Dennis doesn’t at all seem surprised by, which says so much about Dennis and Dee’s childhood without even directly mentioning it. I even think Charlie using AA to flirt with The Waitress while she’s only interested in Dennis is funny. And it’s hilarious that Frank chastises Dennis for sleeping with The Waitress when he knew Charlie likes her when Frank did literally the exact same thing lol. Just a very funny one for me I think all the character dynamic are really good and the kids are funny.

Sweet Dee’s Dating a: Agree! You found my least favorite episode! Congratulations! I hate it so much even the band parts and Dennis’ slutty little outfit don’t save it for me, which trust me is saying a lot about how bad the rest of the episode is. It’s just. Ugh. Similar issue as the others where it’s one thing for the characters to be ableist, but the narrative itself is ableist too. And it’s not even funny like. Even the band parts aren’t funny beyond their outfits to me. Yeah the scene of Dennis helping Charlie when he’s upset is cute but even that doesn’t save it for me. It’s hard for me to even think about this episode without my blood pressure rising. It’s both boring and offensive! Worst combo. I’ve watched this one as few times as I’ve watch Charlie has Cancer but this one sticks in my mind more in a bad way which is why I say it’s worse for me but who knows maybe if I rewatched both I’d feel differently. But I don’t want to lol.

Thundergun Express: disagree. This one’s another really funny one to me. The whole “we’ll come back for youuuuu” running gag is great to me every time, I love Frank’s awful boat tour where he just rambles about his chaotic life, I love that they’re all so excited for the dong, I love Mac stealing a motorcycle, failing to drive it, and abandoning it in the middle of the street, I love the sewer (yeah, that’s shit in my hair) and I think Frank calling in a bomb threat because he’s so upset he didn’t make it is a fantastic ending. Dennis’ plot is pretty weak but that’s my only criticism, the rest makes me laugh and there’s a lot of great quotable lines from this one.

#least favorite sunny ep opinions #the gang turns black #Charlie has cancer #Charlie gets crippled #the gang gives back #sweet Dee’s dating a #thundergun express #emodennis

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yin-yanglulu · 10 months

Text

Posting the chapters bc I’ve had the fic sitting in my folder for weeks

Something Different: Chapter Two

Rating: General Audiences

Catagory: M/F

Fandom: Skylanders (Video Games)

Relationship: Cali/Flynn (Skylanders)

Characters: Cali (Skylanders), Flynn (Skylanders), Buzz (Skylanders)

Additional Tags: Love Confessions, Post-Game, Canon Divergence, This is canon now I’m Toys For Bob

The reign of the Sky Eater (+ Kaos and The Darkness) was over.

Skylands was once again safe, which meant it was time for yet another big celebration at the academy.

Flynn was sat on the steps watching the fireworks, it seemed unreal to him that it was finally over.

He heard a certain someone walking towards him.

“What are you doing down here brain-trust?” Cali asked him teasingly.

“Thought I’d sit down and watch the fireworks, it is a big celebration after all!” He replied.

“I guess you’re right” she said sitting down next to him.

While they watched the fireworks, they both once again thought about confessing their feelings “It would be perfect timing” Flynn thought to himself.

“So, Cali…uhhh, about what you were wanting to tell me earlier…” he said

Cali began to swallow her pride and go for it…

“Flynn, i like you!” She blurted.

“As in, you like me in a romantic way or…”

“In a romantic way!”

“Oh…really? He asked while beginning to blush, his ears starting to perk up.

“Yeah, I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while” Cali answered.

“I already know you like me, you don’t have to tell me!” She told him

“W-WHAT?!” Flynn asked, his face redder than the scarf he wore.

“You trying to tell me you didn’t spend these past four years teasing me and pining after me?! not to mention your terrible flirting skills, I mean really? trying to be my personal bodyguard was an attempt at flirting?!” Cali asked jokingly.

“Yes!” He replied

“I was messing with you!” She said laughing “You can go ahead and confess if you want to!”

Flynn took a deep breath…

“Cali, I… I’m in love with you!” He said, finally getting those fated three words out of his mouth.

Cali giggled “Y’know, You’re really cute when you’re trying to confess that you like me!” She said in a flirty tone, she proceeded to wink at him.

“HEY! Stop using my flirting tactics on me! It’ll probably work on me more than it does you” Flynn said jokingly.

“What? That’s how silly you sound, “you’re so flirting with me right now Cali!” “It’s so cute how you play hard to get with me Cali!” “Good thinking, gorgeous!” She said, mocking his past attempts at flirting with her.

They both laughed.

“Just kidding, I love you too!” She said

They smiled softly at each other for a moment, Cali then proceeded to rest her head on his shoulder.

They sat there for a while, looking up at the fireworks.

“You’re meaning to tell me you two aren’t already together yet?!” A familiar voice said standing behind them.

“DAD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERRUPT THIS!” Flynn said after he turned around to face Buzz, obviously embarrassed by him interrupting the moment.

“Dad?” Cali asked while lifting her head off his shoulder.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that me and Buzz found out he’s actually my dad!” Flynn said.

“Oh, that’s explains why he seemed familiar!” Cali replied.

“Well, congratulations!” Buzz said beginning to walk away.

“Let me know when the wedding is!” He added.

“DAD!” Flynn yelled in a flustered voice.

Buzz chuckled as he was walking away.

Cali and Flynn looked at each other again, lovingly smiling at each other.

“Well, I’m just glad we’re together!” Cali said.

“Does that mean we get to go on that date I promised all those years ago?” Flynn asked teasingly.

“Maybe~” she said whilst winking at him “Okay, why not!”

“YES!” Flynn yelled happily and pumped his fist in the air, Cali laughed at him “Don’t say it, please”

“Heh, I won’t, maybe next time!” He said.

“Yeah, next time!”

They looked at each other for a moment.

“Uh, Cali…your holding my hand”

“Oh! Hehe” She said, noticing that her hand was holding his.

“It’s fine, i like a it lot actually!” He said back.

They continued watching the fireworks and gazing into each other’s eyes.

Something different indeed…

#skylanders #calynn #lulu’s fics

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rainswept · 1 month

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ngl i had to take a fat nap after that response ☹️

i have genuinely never felt so overwhelmed with emotion before, now we're in the same boat because i don't even know what to say to tell you exactly how much i enjoyed reading all of it. i got that whole eyes burning going on n shit and im having a very fun awesome time trying to put a name to whatever the feeling in my chest is (not), but love sounds like a nice way to put it so we'll go with that! i love you too, and appreciate the time you took to write everything out more than any sentence can convey the full meaning of

you're right about me not expecting my ask to mean so much, i wrote it because i knew most authors (and creators as a whole) like hearing how their viewers discover their work. you said you were curious in the notes of the url post, i thought i might as well send in my story to satisfy.

it would be a big step for me, but also a chance to say something nice to someone who inspired me and then move on after a “thank you” or vague acknowledgement to… prove to myself interacting isnt as bad as i thought it'd be?? something like that. i’m not sure what i wanted you to say, or how i wanted to feel about it

bbuut as per usual, you managed to surprise me no matter what i was looking for ( ‾́ ◡ ‾́ ) and it wasn't all over the place or hard to understand at all. my turn to be dramatic:

“what is the point of feeling if, as soon as you pry your eyes away from the page, the emotion fades with the ink?” is definitely a question i connect with. impressionable teenager check ‼️

i said i want to love like you because the way you dedicate yourself so completely is something i’ve never been able to do. i wasn't into picking apart characters before because i thought it was obsessive.

they aren't real right? who cares? which leads me to the metaphor i used for your writing: wholly consuming. imagine not being able to delve into those depths. of course it feels uncomfortable to be pulled under the waves at first— you aren't going to be able to breathe— but the underwater life has so much to offer. i know it now, because i’ve seen that unknowable infinity in your work and in your passion. and there's so much more to sea (ba dum tiss). thank you so much for showing me that

love changes a lot of people. it is sacrifice, and you often have to make compromises. so why not let myself be devoured by that endlessness? i would rather suffer, be swallowed by the ocean and have all of my soft edges filed into jagged pieces by the currents than to have never known that pain at all. because it changed me. i want to remember that.

i want to remember your words, and the part you played even if i am left with only hurt, because love is also giving. it's greed knows no bounds. it's scary, the only thing i had to offer was myself and my experience. but it's getting easier. i’m happy to be seen as a member of your audience, and will applaud every success long after our interests no longer align because that is my compromise for you ♥(ˆ⌣ˆ)

hope all that makes sense. i like the umbrella tag! i’m being perceived and i haven't exploded (yet) (destruction is imminent) ☂️

ANON i am so sorry for the late response i had to process this. i’m having such a hard time posting these bc i just want to keep them treasured in my inbox forever ugh

long post again

ANYWAY. you’re so poetic this is insane. hello???//?/? when i first saw this there were tears in my eyes literally. i cannot. the first paragraph. actually all of them. i . died?? goodbye?? this is the end of me as i know it. i will never be the same. these r the most impactful words anyone has ever said to me i think. i have no words. genuinely no words i’m going to melt into thr floor. plea. please. spare me anon. spare me. i’m in agony right now ur writing is so beautiful. ANONNNNN😭😭😭😭😭😭 god i will never recover. i am in tears

“i said i want to love like you because the way you dedicate yourself so completely is something i’ve never been able to do. i wasn't into picking apart characters before because i thought it was obsessive. they aren't real right? who cares?”

i get that, in a way. but as you said — “which leads me to the metaphor i used for your writing: wholly consuming.” — that’s how it feels to me, too, and it always has. i get the idea of thinking something isn’t important because it’s not real, but i’ve always latched onto them regardless. so i had to write, honestly. to get it out. because otherwise it would consume me instead. it sounds very dramatic, i’m aware, but it’s true — i have so many feelings surrounding these fictional pixels and stories and they have so much to offer and they take up too much space in my brain and if i do not talk about it i will Explode ™️. Or Implode ™️. so i write! because i want to. because i have to. because otherwise it will Swallow Me Whole. and i’d rather embrace it! i’ve always been an ‘obsessive’ person when it comes to interests — it’s all or nothing for me. so it’s one or the other — i can drown or i can swim, but i can’t really get out of the water of my own volition,,, and i’d rather not drown. so i’m both glad i inadvertently introduced you to that way of seeing things, and regret it, because it does hurt sometimes. but it’s worth it to me, and it seems like it is to you too, so that’s good!

ONCE AGAIN i could copy and paste this entire ask and comment on it but i fear it’ll just be me repeating your sentences and gawking at them and it would get way too long. 😭😭😭😭 so i’ll just let your ask speak for itself

“i’m being perceived and i haven't exploded (yet) (destruction is imminent) ☂️” also we can explode together actually. i’m glad u allowed urself to be perceived because. oh my god. 😭😭😭😭 this ask changed the trajectory of my life forever. half joke. destruction is not imminent you’ve got this

also, you’re definitely more than just a member of my audience now, in my opinion. if you do decide to stick around (and i hope you do), i hope we can become friends eventually too! even if you decide not to, these interactions have meant more to me than you know! so thank you, either way

#☂️#—crow’s nest.#i love this ask. so mucj #i would totally comment on every paragraph you sent because they’re all. so touching and beautiful and #AUGH #i’m all over the place i’m so sorry 💀💀#so much more to sea….#and they’re a comedian #best anon ever actually. ur so cool i’m so glad to have u here #i win in life

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the-cat-chat · 11 months

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May 27, 2023

Tick, Tick...BOOM! (2021)

Based on the autobiographical musical by playwright Jonathan Larson. It's the story of an aspiring composer in New York City who is worried he made the wrong career choice, whilst navigating the pressures of love and friendship.

JayBell: I remember when this movie came out and everyone online would not stop talking about it. So I added it to my watch later list and years later here we are. I didn’t know anything about Jonathan Larson going into this. Unlike Anzie, I like musicals and singing in movies. But I also can’t say I’ve seen too many musicals, including Rent.

With that said, I had a great time with this movie. The acting, the singing, the dancing, the songs, the relationships, the story—it’s all great. I also really love how the story is told. Jonathan Larson (played by Andrew Garfield) is telling his own story on stage to an audience. Almost like he’s doing stand up for his own life. And that’s just something I’ve never quite seen before, so I find that refreshing and interesting.

Also I’m glad the movie shares Larson’s fate in the beginning so I had time to prepare. Because I would have been so angry to be surprised in the end. But it’s still incredibly sad and bittersweet. But it’s also honest, and sometimes an honest ending is more effective than a happy one.

The relationship between Larson and Michael was clearly a major part of the movie, and the way it’s portrayed is beautiful. Also a surprise Vanessa Hudgens appears. Hi Vanessa!

This movie is way more existential than I thought it would be. I definitely was not prepared for that. It really does capture the anxieties that come with aging as you approach these “age milestones” for lack of a better word. These fears and anxieties are almost captured a little too well for my liking. Like please don’t expose me that much. That just goes to show how relatable it is though, even for amazing writers like Jonathan Larson.

Rating: 7.5/10 cats 🐈

Anzie: Soo this review is very hard to write. I’ve thought about my feelings on the movie all week. And I have to just begin by saying any issues I take with this movie is probably only bc I’m an uncultured swine. I have no thoughts about Rent bc I’ve never seen it- I knooow- I only know it was very popular.

I just wanna say all the actors were soo good and all the performances and singing was great. Andrew Garfield was so great and definitely gave the “Omigawd I’m getting older and anxious vibe,” flawlessly might I add. (Which ouch too close to home) And how the conflict of wanting to be in a thousand places at once to accomplish everything you need but also be there for loved ones. (Again so ouch) And the scene where it’s them singing about the insane mess of trying to figure out what someone wants in a relationship was really good too. Everything in the total anxiety of life is just so relatable, and then terribly sad. It’s a good movie and there are so many details that make it- like Jonathan’s bday gift towards the end and how it’s thoughtful and sweet, and that small little understanding about another person in relationships and uggggg why’s there so much singing.

Now I’m sooo soo sorry, but the singing. Unless it the 1986 version of Little Shop of Horrors or the Sound of Music, I’d rather jump off of a cliff. And that’s on me- but if I heard the song they were practicing one more time I was going to screech. All I know is it was “everyone will be there or something.” Bc it’s drilled in my head. I also had no clue about Jonathan Larson, which makes me feel like a total jerk. Like it’s me not you. I loathe musicals for the most part, I’m sorrry. It just felt like the singing would never end.

And how everything ends is soul crushing. Like if you don’t believe that the universe is sometimes very cruel, I’d give you Peoples Exhibit A. - Sad and Horrendous, and I feel guilty for hating the music. 🥺

Rating: 5/10 Cats 🐈

#movie #movie review #andrew garfield #musical

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

taglist : @criminalmindsvibez @moreidstrobed @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @temily @enbyspencer @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · 3 years

Text

fearless - a close reading

this is louis speaking from the heart, getting so honest it hurts. good thing these lyrics are not directed at me bc wow i would be brittle. it’s louis the strong leader shining through, the wise older brother who gently offers advice when someone he cares about is going in the wrong direction. yea ig i did that sorry

i care about this one a lot, and genuinely it’s just another fucking banger, so here we go.

walls, track 8

*playground noises*

Cash in your weekend treasures For a suit and tie, a second wife

(another inconsistency with louis’s album booklet: there it says “cashing” - imp “cash in” makes the most sense, since otherwise there wouldn’t be a sentence)

“weekend treasures” - earns money over the weekend? has fun? good experiences? or is it sarcastic and is “you” just escaping for the sake of it

“cash in”: exchange your fun life for the one in a suit with a wife - living a double life

“suit and tie”: trope of the businessman with the family living a lie (- she)

superficial - looks, image of someone who has their shit together

Now I’m not saying that you could’ve done better Just remember that I, I’ve seen that fire alight

i’m saying you can be better though. i’m an old friend, i know you, and i can see now that your fire has been extinguished

Tell me, do you, tell me, do you still remember feeling young? Tell me the truth, tell me, do you still remember feeling young

conversation; louis is pressing the matter gently, repeating his question with added “tell me the truth” bc “you” is lying, to louis and to themselves

“you” can live a lie all they want but louis sees through it and won’t take them lying to him too. louis wants to get the truth out of them in order to help them

always “young” - old friends, lifelong experiences

And strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people?

“you” is not being strong atm, though they used to be

“enough” - implies that the challenges and expectations are high and it takes a lot of strength to handle them

“you” is afraid to fail, and though they used to be resilient enough to get back up when it did happen, they lost that will to fight

“all these people” - who are they? an audience, watching? people judging them? “these” also implies they’re still there, and also that they’re close to/ (perhaps) watching louis - otherwise he would’ve used “those”

general “they” on walls, always with the eerie connotation of people judging, exercising influence

“wonder what they’d say if they could see us now” - wmi

“don’t know why they put all of this on us when we’re so young” - wmi

“when they said a love like this would never last” - too young

“and they’ll say, ‘i told you so’” - only the brave

Just for tonight, look inside and spark that memory of you Strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people

stop ignoring yourself, for once

this person has thoroughly lost themselves: they need to spark the memory first, since that “you” is buried so deep down

“spark” - “fire alight”: keeping up the metaphor of this person’s personality and life force as fire, burning bright

Fearless, fearless Fearless, fearless

remember when you were fearless?

come on, babe, let’s be strong, proud, happy

Now if happiness is always measured By the life you design, that car on the drive

a life by design: fake

material possessions won’t bring you happiness, although “you” seems to be chasing happiness in that direction - got priorities wrong

louis’s own mentality about happiness shining through: it’s all about staying true to yourself, that’s when you’re truly happy

Then you should feel better than ever But you know as well as I, it’s all lies

“we’re in the same boat” - louis knows about this side of life: trying to chase happiness through wealth + living a lie

the life you have as a celebrity is not real: the riches, the attention, the stories; but “you” has lost sight of that, lost themselves in it - started living the lie without staying grounded in their real self, like they used to

implication that a celebrity always leads a double life, no matter what, and the way to stay sane is to keep that split in check, keep those lives separate

Tell me, do you, tell me, do you still remember feeling young?

SYNTHESIS

In Louis’s own track by track, he stays very close to the lyrics (for once) when explaining what the song is about. Additionally, our Peter Pan says that it’s about “encouraging youth and a little bit of recklessness.” *act my age starts playing*

This definitely reminds me of Louis’s relationship with a certain someone, but I’ll leave that in the middle. (There’s so many interpretations that I won’t interfere with your own findings, or my own future findings for that matter. I’d honestly love to hear whatever you think about this song!!)

In any case, Fearless is interesting in how it tells a story about someone else, someone Louis is speaking to and knows well, while it reveals a lot about Louis too. This “you” that has lost their way, lost their spark, has gone down a path that Louis could have gone down too, and maybe he almost did, or even tried out for a bit. Louis is full of patience and understanding, because he knows how hard it can be. He also knows, and says, that it’s necessary to keep re-evaluating yourself and what you’re doing in order to not get lost. He knows how easy it is to lose yourself and lose sight of what really makes you happy. It’s what he’s been singing about throughout the entire album.

Here, his friend, who he’s talking to as if he’s an older brother, almost, seems to have given up the fight without meaning to. What that fight is, in specifics, is something we’ll never know, of course, but Louis is still very revealing. Money, a second wife? If there’s one thing celebrities have said is how easy it is to lose yourself once you’re in the limelight. The attention, the money, the whirlwind of press surrounding you, a manufactured image to keep fans and labels/... as happy as possible... it sounds like hell to try to stay sane. If you have a network of people around you who genuinely care about your wellbeing, you might succeed in keeping your feet on the ground, but not everyone is that lucky. “They” might not have your best interests at heart, which is something Louis seems to have a lot of experience with.

Being a celebrity and staying sane as a someone in the public eye involves this image that’s all lies, but Louis seems to be saying that there’s no way around it. He’s definitely been vocal about how the industry is full of shitty experiences, Copy of a Copy of a Copy as a loud example of that, but he might be saying that the public image, the front that the fans and outsiders believe in, is necessary to be able to maintain some sanity, privacy, happiness.

What “you” has been doing, though, is leaning into that life, that image, that focuses only on material wealth, looks, having the picture-perfect job and relationship, and has lost of who they are along the way. And Louis, their friend since a long time, is asking them to calm the fuck down and use their brain for just one second to see if they can even remember who they used to be. (Honestly, if someone would ask me that? If I could spark the memory of me? I would burst into tears and sob until I was dehydrated. Seriously wtf.)

So, I definitely think there is truth in what Louis said in his track by track, but it digs a little deeper than just asking his friend to take life less seriously. As usual.

I hope the person who this song was directed to got the message and perhaps also made the decision to spend some more time with his old friend Tommo, bc he’s on the right side of things here. (As I think he usually is.) And he’s got their back.

#fearless #lyric analysis #walls analysis #i enjoyed this one very much <3 #such a good song with such great lyrics #also keep in mind that i'm purposefully only hinting at who this might be about bc really i have no idea #it's just a feeling #and it fits for me and that's how i like to roll yk #my brain my reality #anyways let me know what you think!!!

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pumpkinpaix · 3 years

Note

this is gonna sound so harsh but im legit tired of chinese diaspora people who think that bc they are of chinese descent and they have pleco they can act like voices of authority in the fandom. if modao is the 1st chinese book you have read pieces of with a dictionary, if you have never interacted with the actual chinese fandom, you are not part of the intended audience and your biased opinion is not the One And Only Valid Truth 🍵

genuinely cannot tell if you’re trying to shade me here anon lmao 😂

this got long and rambly (of course) asldkjfslj. i would love to make the excuse that it’s bc i’ve got a migraine and had No Sleep but. let’s be real i’m always like this.

ok i’ll start with where i agree: i don’t think anyone has the right to act like an ultimate voice of authority in fandom. i think different people with different backgrounds have varying realms of expertise and they should be respected when they share that knowledge, but that the instant someone starts to use that kind of power as a weapon against people they personally don’t like, i think they forfeit that privilege. no one has the one and only valid truth about a piece of media because that’s fundamentally impossible. i have definitely interacted with diaspo who behave like their heritage gives them some kind of incontrovertible authority over everyone else, and they’re fucking insufferable and often rather cruel, even/especially towards other diaspo. meet me in the denny’s parking lot and fight me for real. i’ll kick ur ass. >:c

however, I also think it’s true that there’s a lot of dismissal of heritage fans in this fandom, if that makes sense, from both sides of the equation: non-Chinese fans ignore our cultural hangups because they’re inconvenient, and non-diaspora disdain us for being not Chinese enough. that puts a lot of us in a position of feeling disrespected just for being who we are, or having our very real knowledge and unique experience as individuals devalued because of it.

regardless of my identity, I have formally studied a lot of things: literary translation, media analysis, the politics of oppression, film critique, religious studies, philosophy, four foreign languages etc. and that is all knowledge that I had to work for, and work hard for. I do have a certain measure of authority on all of these subjects over a layperson (to varying degrees), and there are going to be times when i will be more correct than someone who disagrees with me -- but I’ve also absolutely experienced people talking over that specialized knowledge because of who I am, which is, to be clear. extremely infuriating and hurtful. like, i have cried so much about it in the last 18 months. people see my racial and cultural identity before they see anything else, which is understandable to a degree, but upsetting when it becomes the basis for how my work is judged, whether positive or negative. i don’t want you to trust me blindly because i’m abc. I want to you to trust me because you have examined my work critically and judged it to be trustworthy!

so i guess this is getting into the strongly disagree part of the answer: i’ve been speaking a lot with other diaspora fans lately, and it’s been simultaneously hugely relieving and also really saddening. relieving because oh thank god someone else Gets It, and saddening because pretty much all of us, no matter what kind of diaspo we are (north american, european, SEA, taiwanese etc), we’ve all experienced a lot of pressure in this fandom, from non-Chinese, Chinese, and other diaspora fans alike. we’re all acutely aware that we are not modao’s intended audience because being diaspora vs being “from the mainland” or whatever, are actually quite different things, but modao still feels close to home. even if it was not written FOR us it is still familiar to us.

and, because so many of us are multilingual and multicultural, we end up being the bridge between the “actual” chinese fandom and the english-speaking fandom, which is largely made up of non-chinese. (sidenote: I hate it when people say things about being “actually” any identity because it’s almost always for the exact reason you brought up: to use heritage as street cred. it’s like damn, being “actually” chinese doesn’t make ur opinions any less rank. sure you might be “actually” chinese, but do you have basic reading comprehension and literary criticism skills? no? ok then sit your ass back down) many of us are most comfortable in english! so we produce our content in english! but we also DO often have a somewhat privileged access to the culture that underlies mdzs and can explain it in a language that other non-Chinese fans can understand. so it’s not surprising that people flock to us for answers to their cultural questions. and like. if we think we know the answer, it’s natural for us to try and help. this is fandom! we’re here to have fun and find community! and it is definitely a little bit nice to have my culture treated as something desirable for once instead of just like. a weird exotic curiosity that no one really cares too deeply about. and, since a lot of us are able to do things that non-Chinese fans can’t (research in chinese, for example. ask family members for help and more information etc.) we end up just having more information to share.

I think this sometimes results in a tendency for fandom at large to put heritage/diaspo fans on pedestals and tout them as authorities (or use our conflicting viewpoints as ammunition in fandom drama) when the diaspo in question have repeatedly stated that they should not be taken as authorities on something -- and then, once you reach critical mass, your reputation starts to precede you, and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions of how a lot of diaspo act in this fandom simply because of that phenomenon. most of us know that we’re not ultimate arbiters of some kind of cultural gateway, and it can be very tiring both to be treated as such when we insist we are not, and then punished by other people who assume that we acted like we were.

i don’t think there’s a benefit in trying to keep en fandom and cn fandom totally separate, and I also think it’s unfair to consider the cn fandom the “real” fandom. i think that way lies deeper misunderstandings, gatekeeping, etc. i think we can definitely acknowledge the differences between them, but i think trying to make meaningful connections between fandom circles is really valuable! i don’t think i’ve ever made it a secret that modao is my first cmedia fandom? so it’s also the first time i’ve had reason to interact with chinese fandom, which has been super enlightening and interesting! i’ve made some super cool friends and learned a lot about how fandom works in china, how it’s similar and how it differs from the fandom i’m familiar with.

and then, kind of circling back around, there’s also a bit of a sense like, okay, so if diaspo don’t belong in the CN fandom, but we can’t talk about our own culture with some degree of confidence in EN fandom, then like..... where do we go...? if we see EN fandom doing something that contradicts our cultural knowledge, do we just. not say anything? do we not count unless we’ve already ingratiated ourselves to CN fandom? that’s probably where the core of my strong disagreement comes from, because criticism of diaspora fans as like, acting above their station so to speak, feels just like a tired continuation of the same shit we’ve had to deal with for our whole lives, being told we’re not good enough for anywhere and that we should just be quiet and keep our heads down and get over it. that our opinions, despite coming from a unique perspective with a unique relationship to the subject in question, are less valid or real than “actual” chinese people, you know? and sometimes i see that and im like lmfao just sneer at me for being jook-sing and leave then if you’re so eager to think of me as lesser.

so yeah, basically im of a few minds: true! diaspora fans don’t get to throw their weight around just because they’re diaspo. they don’t get carte blanche to act like bullies or try to shape the fandom to their own personal liking and crusade against people who disagree with them. they don’t get to pretend their heritage makes them superior to everyone else, and i think western diaspora especially need to be careful when asserting any kind of moral lens over the text to acknowledge that we have our own biases to interrogate. i am not immune.meme etc. on the other hand, this vein of criticism tends to put all diaspo in a bit of a double-bind, and also, however unintentionally, plays into the general, continuous trend of dismissing diaspora for being diaspora, and i’m really not about that. i don’t think that’s the motivation behind opinions like this, but i do think that when the basis for the argument hinges on the idea that diaspora are not “real” chinese, no matter how much I too have beef with certain diaspora fans, the argument needs to be revisited.

(ko-fi)

🍵 ((un)popular) opinions meme

#Anonymous #asks and replies #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #race #chinese diaspora #statistically average #mine #mymeta #mdzs #ummmmm #politics #??#opinions meme #ask meme

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blackradandmad · 3 years

Text

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

#lil rambles #long post t #idk why it's formatted like this ig cos i copy pasted from my fb?#whatever anyway idk why i waste my writing skills on shit literally nobody else but me cares abt #blippi #children's television

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fangirlswilltakeovertheworld · 3 years

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She-Ra High School Theatre Kid AU Headcanons

I made this because I am a theatre kid, and me and my sister were talking about Double Trouble being a theatre kid, so this happened. We basically came up with this entire au while we walked our dog.

Also I know none of this stuff would ever happen in real life, but it’s fanfiction, let me have this

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO

Angella as the director

Shadow Weaver as the assistant director

Horde Prime is the principal who is very not supportive of the arts

Hordak is the head of tech

Castaspella runs costumes

Huntara is the choreographer

Actors:

Catra - Has been in love with theatre since she was a kid, wants to be an actress when she grows up. She’s only ever cast as the villain/antagonist because she’s so good at playing those roles, but she’s not complaining. Shadow Weaver hates her and constantly talks down to her whenever Angella’s not around. Really good singer.

Double Trouble - Also in love with theatre. Brings the drama. Really good at whatever role they receive. Always competes with Sea Hawk for the lead role regardless of gender.

Sea Hawk - Theatre kid is his entire personality and he lives for it. Competes with Double Trouble for the lead role regardless of gender. Loves roles that get to do fight choreography. Has a habit of setting at least one prop, set, or costume on fire every show. No one knows how, and honestly, neither does he.

Glimmer - Director kid vibes, we’ve all met one. You know what I’m talking about. Usually gets a big speaking role, but not the lead. Jealous of Catra bc Glimmer thinks the villains get better songs. Catra agrees and holds it over her head constantly. Has a habit of being an “actor director” sometimes, but never in a mean or condescending way, and most of the time Angella was going to give the same note. Most of the time.

Bow - Actor/Techie. Auditions for a role, but if he doesn’t get one, he’ll do tech. He doesn’t have a preference, he just likes being a part of the process and being with his friends. One of the only basses in the department.

Mermista - Actor/stage manager. Even when she has a role in the current show, Mermista is still the stage manager bc she’s the only one who can deal with and control everyone’s shit(aka Sea Hawk level shenanigans). Actually a really good actor when she puts effort into her roles, but it has to be for a show she actually likes.

Kyle - Usually ensemble, but sometimes he has small speaking roles. Famous for breaking or losing props.

Techies:

Entrapta - Sound/lights. Works with Hordak, they’re close friends. He’s dreading her graduation bc she’s the only who actually understands how to run the systems. She insists she’ll be back tho.

Scorpia - Build crew. Stronk. Nuff said. Started bc she wanted to support Catra, and kept doing it bc she thought the head costumer was cute.

Adora - Also build crew. Again, stronk. Paints occasionally because that was her first choice, but they lack muscle strength in build. Can only get away with painting if Lonnie is there that day. Joined to watch Catra and Catra only. Has only listed to the songs that Catra sings in her role. Has never listened to a full Broadway album. Glimmer is disappointed.

Lonnie - Build crew. Not that interested but comes to support her friends when she doesn’t have lacrosse practice. Never runs a show, but watches every night.

Rogelio - Paint crew. Adora lost an arm wrestling contest to him, and he got first choice. She’s forever salty for it but too nice to argue.

Perfuma - Head of costumes. Castaspella and her get along great, they practically have the same personality. Crushing on Scorpia.

Frosta - Costumes. Cousins with Mermista. Comes bc she heard about the chaos and drama that goes down. Will run shows if she doesn’t have hockey practice.

Swift Wind - Fly.

Now for the plot:

The show for the year: Wicked

Cast

Glinda - Double Trouble

Elphaba - Catra

Fiyero - Sea Hawk

Boq - Kyle

Nessa - Glimmer

Madame Morrible - Mermista

The Wizard - Bow

But then two tragedies occurred

Tragedy 1: Angella had to step down as director bc Micah was in the hospital or something idk

Tragedy 2: 2 days later, Sea Hawk breaks his leg pretty bad and he won’t be better in time for the show

Le gasp

So Shadow Weaver takes over as director

Some Shadow Weaver background info: She was a famous actress many years ago and thinks this high school production stuff is below her. She still has a lot of connections to the professional world that she uses from time to time. She wants Adora to follow in her footsteps as a famous actor despite Adora being an incredibly bad actor. She hates that Adora does crew and not acting, but couldn’t do anything about it. Until now.

Now that she’s director and they’re down a Fiyero, she basically forces Adora to play Fiyero, despite the other capable actors who could’ve done it and Adora’s own protests. Think something like: “why can’t bow do it? I’ll be the wizard if there really aren’t enough actors!” “Oh no, bow is the only one who can hit the wizards notes bla bla bla”

Adora doesn’t want to do it, but she also doesn’t want the department to not be able to do the show. Plus she would get to hang out with Catra a lot which would be cool

I’m guessing you can already tell where the conflict is coming from, but we had some very clear ideas of stuff that happened, like

Adora was behind bc she wasn’t going to play the role originally, she’s never acted before, and she can’t dance. So she has a lot of one on one practices with Huntara, the choreographer. Before getting the role, the only practices Adora would watch if she didn’t have crew were the dance practices. She went purely to watch Catra, but Catra thinks that she has a crush on Huntara.

Tension and miscommunication, y’know?

Bow and Glimmer are both very supportive but also nervous bc they know that Adora is extremely bad at acting

Sea Hawk has never seen Adora try to act before, so he doesn’t see what the issue is. Once he’s well enough to go to school again, he comes to every rehearsal even tho he can’t be in the show. And then he sees. And then he’s like, oh no.

But he tries to be supportive and pump Adora up.

Adora is feeling a lot of pressure bc of her new role and doesn’t want to screw things up for everyone.

Catra is a little pissed off that she’s been paired up with someone who can’t act for her senior show, so she’s a little snippy at first, and Adora is tense, and it’s a mess

But Shadow Weaver doesn’t care, and ends up blaming every problem they have during an acting scene with Adora and Catra on Catra, even though she’s the best actor in the department. Because ✨favoritism✨

And you know, they do the whole hot-cold, she hates me, she’s cute, I love her but she doesn’t like me, bla bla bla throughout the course of the show

A week before opening night, Shadow Weaver makes things worse by mentioning that she invited her friend who’s a talent scout to watch the show. Shadow Weaver wants the scout to help get Adora into the acting business.

Catra wants to use this opportunity to get her name out there, so she needs her performance to be perfect

Which is hard to do when her love interest couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag

It’s two days before the show and they still haven’t practiced the kiss scene. Every time they brought it up before, like “should we practice the kiss? I mean, only if you want we don’t have to”, they both got the impression that the other didn’t want to kiss them

(Useless lesbians)

So it’s 2 days before the show, and Shadow Weaver is like, you gotta practice the kiss

So they kiss, and Catra is like, whoa she’s a really good kisser, so she’s quiet after the kiss

And of course, Adora takes that silence as “she hated the kiss and she hates me” as you do

So their practices the next two days are even worse than they were before

Finally, it’s opening night. The scout is coming and they’re out of time. Shadow Weaver ends up shoving Catra and Adora into a closet. She does her whole “you don’t want to let me, your friends, or the audience down do you? Whatever’s distracting you needs to go” to Adora, and then she turns to Catra and is like “fix what you’ve done, I know you sabotaged her you useless child. You’re going to be the reason this show goes horribly” and then she leaves

AND CATRA AND ADORA ACTUALLY TALK I KNOW IM SHOCKED TOO

Adora’s like, sorry I’ve been so weird the past two days, I just realized I really like you after we kissed, but I know you don’t feel that way about me, sorry if that makes it weird

And Catra’s like, Adora you idiot I love you

And they kiss

And Bow finds them still kissing in the closet 20 minutes before the show opens and rushes them to Castaspella to get their make up fixed

It ends up being Adora’s best performance because every time they’re about to go on for a scene together, Catra tells her to forget about the audience and just focus on her

The scout ended up liking Catra and Double Trouble a lot to Shadow Weaver’s disappointment

Facts that aren’t important to the main plot, but definitely happened

One time, before Sea Hawk broke his leg, Catra was trying out her harness for the defying gravity and other flying scenes, and Swift Wind, who does fly, accidentally dropped her and she landed on Adora

No Good Deed was the best moment in the show, and the amount of emotion Catra was able to put into her performance during that song was a little frightening but also made a lot of people tear up

The second best scene in the show was surprisingly As Long as you’re Mine, because Adora was actually able to forget about the audience and just focus on her love for Catra

The show last year was Mean Girls. Catra was Regina. Glimmer was Gretchen(you can’t argue that she doesn’t give off, “I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster stroodle, would be very pleased to hear about this” vibes). Mermista was surprisingly amazing as Karen, and played her deadpan perfectly. No one knows how she did it. Sea Hawk was Cady, Double Trouble was Janice, and Bow was Damien. They reference their experiences during this show during Wicked, but the only thing Adora remembers about that production is how hot Catra was during World Burn.

Ironically (or unironically, idk), Glimmer once said “I don’t think my mother, the director of the show, will be very pleased to hear about this” to an actor who was found sabotaging Catra’s mic for the show before Mean Girls. Catra thought Shadow Weaver put her up to it but there was no proof.

Princess Prom but making it Dancing Through Life

Or is it Dancing Through Life but make it Princess Prom

If someone wants to write this, please do, just send me the link so I can read it! I would write it myself but I’m lazy lol.

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lais-a-ramos · 3 years

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ok, this one is kind of a hard topic, and i appologize in advance for any mistakes i make or not being articulate enough

all the concearns over ppl in fandom hyping the only prominent white character, christina, in lovecraft country instead of the black characters are valid and the critique is definitely important, once it's common for ppl in fandom to either erase the half of a couple that is a BIPOC or to deny a canon cis het biracial ship to hype up a fanon white wlw ship and other problematic stuff plenty of times in LGBTQ+ fandom spaces.

but i also think we can't dismiss the entirety of the ship only bc the same LGBTQ+ fans are back at it again with their problematic behaviour, especially bc of its significance for black women and feminine-aligned nb folks who feel attraction to woman/feminine-aligned nbs -- lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, biromantic, panromantic etc.

for what i've seen so far, this ship is very important for black women and female-aligned nbs bc finally we have a dark-skinned black woman, who is also fat, to be treated with absolute respect and consideration and be passionately desired in a way that is not some kind of secret fetish or played for laughs, treated as being as worthy of being courted and romanced as her light-skinned and skinny half-sister.

christina respects ruby's choice and agency for most of the time -- i think the exception may be that first time ruby transformed into hillary;

she immediately explains to ruby her plans and intentions whenever ruby questions her behaviour and demands answers, including ruby in her plans when even ruby's loved ones keep secrets from her; she gives her all these baths and caresses her so softly, literally bathing her with affection and desire; she woos her with vows of devotion; and even tried to understand what ruby said when she asked her to try to understand her pain -- albeit in a fucked up way that only a privileged and sheltered girl raised in an enviroment in which magic is real and present in ppl's daily lives possibly could.

christina overall acknowledges that ruby is a woman with her own emotions, motivations, hopes, dreams, wants, needs and desires, and that's something y'all should keep in mind because i'll return to that later.

overall, these things i described are actually the basic that a person should do for the one they call their lover, and in no way erase the fact that christina is willing to kill innocent ppl to accomplish her goals of self-protection, nor turn these things acceptable from a moral standpoint.

but it's not the kind of treatment black women and feminine-aligned nbs receive, neither in fiction or in real life, by the way.

there are specific forms of misogyny that black women and female-aligned nbs face in which we are read as aggressive or animalistic, oversezualized or stripped from our sexuality and have our femininity denied if we don't check the boxes of what society deems acceptable.

there's this interview wumni mosaku gave for elle magazine U.S. in which she discusses her personal experiences with this problem, and how these eurocentric standards of femininity forced her to act in an overtly nice manner as a way to make sure ppl will treat her kindly instead of with suspicion and assuming she is aggressive.

that is because of the ways race and gender intersect creating a very complex scenario when it comes to definitions, experiences and stereotypes of femininity.

white women are overall treated with an authomatic presumption of innocence, as delicate and frail flowers who must be protected at all costs, especially if they are from upper classes -- that is something that is actually held against low-income white women, who are expected to adhere to certain standards to have their femininity acknowledged.

but, as we can see by that moment in episode 1x05, "strange case", when ruby as hillary is escorted by the policemen to her supposed husband who is actually christina shapeshifted , and, actually, by christina's entire motivations and characterization, that very same presumption of innocence is one of the sources of their oppression, because they are infantilized and stripped of their agency in favor of the men in their lives -- husbands, brothers, fathers etc --, being stopped and/or forbidden to do things cis het men usually get to and are expected to do.

in spite of this paradox, white women still have a privilege when compared to black women, because they're are still seen as ppl that belong to the world of affections and are worthy of receiving love, care and concearn for their wellbeing.

but that is not the case with black women.

usually, we are reserved two roles: one that revolves around being hypersexualized for men's consumption, both white and black alike; and the other, in which we are seen as "beasts of burden", carrying the weight in terms of work, emotions and so on, being expected to be desensitized to experiences and problems that no human would be expected to. sometimes, these two roles actually cross paths.

here in brazil, black activism and academics have been calling it "solidão da mulher negra", "the loneliness of black woman", and i think it's a very pertinent and powerful way to describe it.

and, that is the thing, when you're a black woman or feminine-aligned nb that doesn't fit into this role of being sexualized, you can feel this loneliness go a step further, because all that is left for you is that beast of burden part.

you end up not only being cast aside and abandoned by cis het white men and black men alike if you're attracted to men, but, overall, everyone in your social circle, including family, relatives and friends, expect you to be this source of strength and carry weights and resist to things ALL. THE. TIME.

and, guess what type of women and feminine-aligned nbs usually don't fit into this role of being sexualized????

the ones that are dark-skinned, fat, bulky, or any combination of these.

it's a combination of colorism, fatphobia, misogynoir and other factors that come to play, really.

one can check a few boxes, or check them all.

i myself don't check the "dark-skinned" box because, as a biracial women, i have light-skin privilege -- even though my skin is not as light as jurnee smollett's, who plays ruby's half-sister letitia "leti" lewis. but i sure have dealt with the consequences of not having the right body type for my whole life. i've been one of the "fat kids" for all my teen years, and, even now that i lost weight because of health issues, i'm still bulky and with large shoulders, feet and hands bigger than what is expected for women, and for most of my life i've felt in a similar way than what wumni mosaku describes on that elle magazine interview i mentioned earlier.

now, ruby literally checks ALL. THE. FUCKING. BOXES.

while we haven't seen much of her past, for the tidbits we got we can imagine that she had to be the responsible one in her family, being the older child, and basically raise her two siblings while their mom neglected them.

and we can see that, while the producers and writers changed a lot of her characterization from the source material -- in the part of the book i am right now, she has yet to show up, but the way she's described she seems more domestic and the shrinking violet type like show!hippolyta at the begining -- she is still seen as someone respected in her community and a source of strength -- e.g. being trusted to take care of dee.

and that clearly takes a toll on her, because everyone in-universe seems to expect her to be this mammy type or a role model, "a credit to the race" -- which is kind of ironic, given that it seems the audience seem to expect this of her as well.

and she puts all this pressure on herself because of it, and, while she is a woman with a very active sexual life, she seems overall very unsatisfied and repressed.

interrupted, as ruby herself perfectly put.

everyone seems to expect something of her at home, and not only all of her goals in the professional realm seem to be frustrated by social structures of oppression, but even her relationship goals as well, given that most of the men that she gets involved with, whether they are black or white, seem to believe they have the right to abandon her and treat her like trash because she doesn't feel a thing and is "strong" enough.

and that is where christina comes in.

now, it's true that the character that's pointed by many as a representation of white feminism surely is problematic in many ways, including her "colorblind" approach to racial issues, which is a particular form of racism that comes from an indifference towards social issues that steem from the privilege of not having to worry about said racial issues because one's not affected by them.

but, inspite of this colorblindness, or precisely because of it, christina sees ruby not for the roles she plays in other ppl's lives, but as the woman with her own emotions, motivations, hopes, dreams, wants, needs and desires that she is (see??? i told y'all to keep that in mind because it would be useful later).

some of these things might not be politically correct, like wondering what would it be like to be white and not have to deal with all the bullshit she has to.

some of these things might be dowright immoral and unethical, like the revenge fantasy she made come true against that abusive, sexual harasser and possibily rapist that was the guy from the department store that appeared in episode 1x05.

but, they are what makes ruby, well, ruby.

they are what makes her human, what humanizes her.

and christina accepts all of it, all that makes ruby who she is.

like the av club review for episode 9 pointed out, the two women are actually not that different when it comes to motivations: the stakes might be different for them because christina is protected by her whiteness and wealth, but both of them want the same thing in the end -- to not feel interrupted by the social restraints that bind them.

and that is what draws them to each other and feel attracted to each other, even though they might not understand quite well what to be queer means to them, or even avoided/repressed the question altogether as they grew up.

they are two points that seem opposite, and might as well be in some ways, but belong to the same axis that is gender and sexuality.

their relationship is incredibly complex and layered because of all these intersecctions.

ruby and christina's relationship is all about revealing different parts of yourself to the other and peeling each other's layers (sorry for the pun, but, it was just there lol), and, because of this, it's no wonder that it's seen as more romantic than, say, tic and leti's relationship, that seems to be playing out like plenty of cis heterosexual relationships, moving too fast because of the passion involved and what society expects, without the two of them being able to truly proccess and decide what they want, something that will defintely get more complicated now there's a baby on the way.

everything is so raw between ruby and christina, quite literally (it's one ot the things i love the most about all the gory scenes between them, it's a very clever way of using a fantastical setting to highlight these metaphors and symbolism).

with all of this, it shouldn't be a surprise that many sapphic black women and feminine-aligned nbs relate so much to ruby and got so attached to this relationship.

it's not because they endorse the problematic stuff christina or ruby have done -- although, well, to be fair, in a show that draws inspiration from pulp fiction magazines, particularly horror and detective/mystery stories, all characters are expected to be problematic and do fucked up things.

it's because queer black women and feminine-aligned nbs, regardless of whether they check only a few of the boxes i mentioned before or check all of them, can relate to this feeling of loneliness that the producers and writers portrayed so well with ruby -- but also with hippolyta, and dee too.

and for relating to these feelings, they relate to this relationship between ruby and christina.

and it's kind of hard to know what's gonna happen next in the show and the future of this ship

hell, even know whether the show is gonna be renewed or not.

but this should be a lesson for the future, on this fandom and others, to try and consider the perspectives of LGBTQ+ black ppl in these spaces, because, when you don't do that, you're basically reproducing, in a space we should be safe to have fun, the same oppression and silencing we deal on a daily basis

#lovecraft country #ruby baptiste #christina braithwhite #ruby x christina #lgbtq #lgbtqiap+#black women #black representation #character analysis #character meta #meta

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ectonurites · 3 years

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can anybody please explain the appeal of tim drake because ive been into the batfamily for a while now and tbh im really confused on why people like his character so much compared to the other robins. like they all have their own thing going on and he just... doesnt?

Have you read his Robin solo? Because if not and you want to try to like him but just don’t understand why people do, that’s what I’d recommend. That and like, Young Justice 1998.

Because Tim definitely... does have his own thing going on. Maybe not in the same way as the others, but like, there’s a reason he has a 183 issue long solo comic that ran for like 16 years: he was fun to read about!

But I will give some more specific thoughts on the subject as a Tim Drake Appreciator™ (this got long im sorry)

The appeal of Tim (especially early on Tim) is kinda the fact that he’s this more normal kid. For a while that is his ‘thing’. He was basically designed to be a self-insert (he definitely became more than that along the way, but from the start he was meant to be relatable) in a different way than how Dick and Jason had been before him.

Like the role of Robin from the start was this way to create a character young readers could identify with more, could see themselves in more. And Dick and Jason did that, but they still had this element to their lives and stories that was more... unattainable for the average reader. Dick was a circus prodigy, Jason was either also a circus prodigy if we remember pre-crisis or if we go with his post-crisis story he’s this street-wise orphaned kid who had a really tough life but still went on to be a hero anyways. Obviously those lives are relatable for some people, but those’re definitely not as broadly recognized as common upbringings especially not by DC trying to market to the ‘average’ kid/young teen.

But the creation of Tim changed the game a bit. Dick and Jason were these aspirations a kid could look to like ‘wow I want to be cool like that!’ but Tim was a Robin designed for kids to look at and go ‘wow, his problems and civilian life are just like mine AND he’s a hero, I want to be cool like that!’, ya know? Tim was... just a clever kid with an average life who managed to connect some dots and had enough drive to want to fix things he saw were a problem, he didn’t have the same kind of heightened drama backstory the others did. The Robins that came after Tim definitely didn’t have this idea of relatability in mind the same way either. Unfortunately Steph’s time as Robin was much more of a marketing ploy than an actual like... decision to make her Robin, so it’s hard to really fit her into this conversation. But Damian from the start was first of all initially created not to be Robin but just as the son of Talia and Bruce back in the 80’s, but when he was later reimagined into the character that would become Robin he had the whole ‘raised by and is the heir to the league of assassins and is the son of batman’ thing going on still. He just was not supposed to be relatable that same way, he was a character designed with different things in mind.

I really think it was more just DC’s 90′s era younger-audience comics in general that tried to push that relatability thing (like in YJ how Cissie even after quitting the team stays a major character as a civilian throughout, and the civilian aspect that’s super present in Bart’s 90s solo too, etc), but later in the 2000’s that idea was definitely pushed to the side in favor of... putting in even more dramatic superhero-y stuff.

And the other thing that’s... such a more normal thing but it actually made him unique here, was that Tim’s dad was still alive until like 2004 (so 15 years into Tim being around as a character). This gave Tim a lot more typical ‘family school girlfriends normal life etc’ problems on top of/in contrast with his superhero problems. These just manifested in very different ways than they could with the other Robins because of that unique situation with a living civilian parent who doesn’t know about hero stuff (until he did find out which lead to that whole Unmasked thing, but there was only the brief time around War Games & Identity Crisis where Jack knew Tim was actively Robin and he was... still alive) Tim also had his life at school expanded way more than most other Robins, like, he had such an extended supporting cast of civilian friends which is a really interesting thing to read about (and the fact that he hasn’t had that stuff since the New 52 I think really hurts his character)

And then related to that loss of his dad... Personally another thing about Tim that really interests me is how a lot of things were more... his choice. if that makes sense. A lot of characters in the Batfamily were struck with tragedy/extreme trauma before they became heroes and that’s what spurred them into this life of becoming heroes. Tim’s situation wasn’t like that at all! When he first got involved in everything during Lonely Place of Dying, the only tragedy he’d experienced was watching Dick’s tragedy happen. Which sure yes traumatic obviously, but that’s not the same as how pretty much all the other Bats had gone through these very personal losses or other sorts of very first-hand personal traumas that served as motivators. Tim didn’t start to experience those things until after he got involved in the hero life, and aside from his Mom’s death which was more of just an unrelated incident (that technically happened before he was officially Robin but it was during his time training to become Robin), pretty much all these other tragedies and things... would not have happened or been experienced by him had he not become Robin.

That’s not me placing blame on him or anything like that, because god no that’s not how that works, but it’s very interesting because from his point of view he definitely feels that guilt because he knows him being Robin played a role in a lot of it (Thinking specifically about in Adventure Comics #3 when Kon even says “I know what guilt does to you” to him like it’s... it’s a thing with him!). His dad was murdered because he was Robin. He only met Steph and started dating her through being Robin, and thus he would not have experienced the loss of his girlfriend dying like that had he not been Robin. Tim met both Conner and Bart through being Robin, and would not have had a personal connection to them when they died otherwise. The whole Bruce’s death thing after Final Crisis, like. I could go on honestly, that was only talking about losses not even his own experiences nearly getting killed, but yeah, all these personal tragedies were experienced by him specifically because he chose to bring himself into this life, which I think in turn plays into how throughout his comics you see him go from having this really optimistic view on things and being really hopeful to seeing him at that low point he reaches by the time of Red Robin. (thinking about that one post that points out how Tim started out in the 90′s as an optimist and Steph a cynic and by the time they were Red Robin and Batgirl in 2009 they had switched outlooks...)

I also think that him having had such a great team book with the original Young Justice can help contribute to people liking him. His friendships with the rest of the core four and that team in general are really compelling. (and that’s something like again when looking at the other Robins, while Dick had the Titans ofc, Jason never really found footing with a team outside of like one mission with the Titans and then We All Know How Damian’s Teen Titans Stuff Went. Steph also only ever really worked with a team outside the batfam on very brief occasions) and even though I’m not as big of a fan of the 2003 Teen Titans run that came after YJ, people who read Young Justice and also that could follow and be attached to those same characters over a pretty decently long period of time.

Idk man, I don’t really have an ultimate point here i’m just rambling. I can definitely understand not seeing the appeal to him right away (honestly i’ve been into Batfam since like 2013/2014 and Tim did not become one of my faves until 2020) especially if like... idk when you say ‘into the batfamily’ that can mean a lot of different things. If you’re reading more like the bigger events with the batfam sure Tim can kinda fade into the bg a bit, if you’re more talking about fanon the fanon version of him is prettyyyyy uhhhhh not really the same as how he was in pre New 52 canon, if you’re mainly reading New 52 era Batfam stuff then that Tim I also don’t understand the appeal of bc thats Not My Boy, if you’re interested in a different member primarily and only familiar with Tim when he shows up in things focused on that other character then it’s easy to not really understand the appeal right away bc he’s more there to support that character rather than shine in his own right.

I think it’s also worth mentioning he’s just not everybody’s cup of tea, and that’s totally fine. Like, these are fictional characters and sometimes you just will vibe with a character and sometimes you won’t! idk if this helped at all or even made sense. but yeah. I just think he’s neat 😌

#Anonymous

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gunsatthaphan · 2 years

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idk about if they’re gonna do any kiss scenes or whatever bc this seems like a slow burn (i feel like ppl are tired of the couple taking forever to get together in bls but i love a slow burn romance and i think it actually makes sense for this show is particular to be slow burn unlike a lot of other bls where they should have been together already) esp bc they try to ignore and pretend they’re just friends so maybe a kiss at the end? but i think one of the tropes in pat and pran’s relationships will be a lot of play fighting and kind of like very teenage boy so very bro-ey (think drunk s3 with matteo and david if anyone here has seen that)? but as long as the chemistry is there (which it seems like it is) and they can show they clearly have romantic feelings for each other (which i think is needed bc i think a big part of this show is them not wanting to accept/realize they’re actually falling for each other but the audience has to realize that for them first) i think everything will be fine? help this is so long sorry but yea i definitely have some apprehension too about everything but p’aof hasn’t disappointed me so i’m hoping this will be good too and with nanon agreeing to be in it the script had to stand out for him (as he said he picks things based off a good script and if it would challenge his acting + i’ve liked everything he’s been in) so !!!!

couldn’t agree more anon. I'm definitely like,,,, picking up a certain vibe from the show already and considering it’s enemies-to-friends-to-lovers I think we definitely have to prepare ourselves for a good ol’ slowburn lol.

Which I love though because we all know I’m the biggest bitch for slowburn romance lmao. (as long as it’s not like bite me)

I just hope they find the right transition between friendship and romance because showing that can be hard; both storytelling-wise and for the actors as it requires quite a nuanced emotional performance in my opinion. But judging from what we’ve seen so far I think Ohm and Nanon and Aof will get it right. O&N have a good chemistry and I think they’re skilled enough to deliver. I hope. Idk djhfds. I’m still nervous.

**about the kissing - I have no predictions for that lol. It looks like there might be one in the scene where they’re kind of on top of each other lol but I have no idea...

xxx

#bad buddy

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teamfreewill2pointo · 3 years

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Transcript of End of the Road Special

Transcript of End of the Road Special.

Please let me know if I made any errors in transcription. Twitter version Family Don’t End with Blood Transcription Winchester Mythology Transcription

Dabb: Ultimately, we came up with something that we're all very proud of Singer: You never know what the audience is going to like so we really tried to say "what would make us happy? Would we be satisfied with where we've taken them?"

The Carry On song was a guideline.

Singer: The myth of what these brothers were throughout 15 years... We didn't shy away from fatalism, but we wanted to be able to have it be kinda uplifting as well.

Dabb: If you're going to do something that feels like a complete arc, you have to kinda go back to the beginning of it (clips of them hunting vamps from s1 & 15.20) When it comes to Sam & Dean- it's all about getting back to, in some ways, these two guys on the road in this car.

Dabb: They've been doing this job for 15 years now. They've fought everyone from demons to vampires to God himself, but at the end of the day, they're still working guys, out there on the road & taking cases. We've tried to never lose sight of that.

Dabb: There are times when we've been wrapped up in our own mythology a little bit. We've always tried to get back to the basics, which are: these two guys, saving people, hunting things.

Eugenie: I think we sort of knew generally what the ending would involve.

Eugenie: We might not have known the mechanics, but we sort of knew there would be a victorious, glorious sacrificial ending bc I think sacrifice is a big theme in the series.

For every great thing you do, a cost must be paid.

Singer: Andrew & I talked about it. We were in agreement pretty quickly... talked to the rest of the writing staff & let them know what we wanted to do and we were open to suggestions. And then we pretty much pitched it to Jared and Jensen.

Jensen talks about flying to LA. Jensen: So before we ever even started 15, we knew how the last portion of the story was going to go. We didn't know how we were going to get there, but we kinda knew the final- the finish line- we knew what... what that was going to look like.

Jared: I don't think there's ever been a season of SPN in 15 years where the way the writers thought the show would play out for that season- ended up being the way it played out And so we were aware of that. They told us here's what we're thinking, here's what happens to Castiel

Jared: In the finale, Dean dies & Sam lives on. And then we think they're going to meet up in heaven.

I remember Jensen... just because I know him so well- he seemed to bristle a little bit.

Jensen: It was hard to hear then & it was hard to read now. Not because I didn't like it, not because I wished it had gone differently... I'm not adverse to it. I think it's a great ending. I'm proud to film it.

Singer: And we just aimed for that, you know, throughout the season. We knew where we were going.

Jensen: Reading it & knowing that... there's just a weight that is so much larger reading these scripts than I've ever experienced before.

There's an emotional weight that these scripts are going to carry & these episodes are going to have that I don't think we've ever seen before.

Brad: [J2] were so young when all of this started. They brought to it such conviction & such commitment to the effort.

That's one of the things that kept the show going for so many years... a show that was designed for very young guys, footloose & fancy free, & on the road…

Brad: To see these guys grow up b4 your eyes into- men, not boys any longer- was amazing.

BABY Jared: Though the story does involve Sam & Dean chasing supernatural things, it really is a story about two brothers that love each other & ultimately will do anything for each other.

Jensen: There's really one person that gets it on the level that I get it, and that's Jared. Jared: I've never spent as much time with another human being as I have with Jensen Ackles. He will be my friend and brother forever. And I know that.

BABY Jensen: There's a lot of dynamics between the two brothers, there's a lot of history between them, there's a lot of banter between them... it's good stuff S15 Jensen: We had a partner in crime & we leaned on each other for, you know, for times when it was tough.

Jensen: But we also won together. We got to share the experience of success & the experience of getting picked up for another season. Watching these two characters go through what they're going through, when we're working 14 hours & it's 2-3 o’clock on a Sat morning and we're just now finishing filming out in the rain and mud and we gotta race to the airport to get on a plane because we've got a photoshoot in LA & we've gotta do on camera interviews and we gotta promote the show that we love so much that we were just in the mud & the rain filming hours before we're exhausted and it's like there's only one person that gets that right now. That gets how I feel and that's this guy standing next to me. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool to have somebody like that.

Brad: We knew it was going to be impossible to tie up every aspect of all of the cans of worms that we opened up.

We did want to bring a proper ending to the guys, the guy's relationship.

Brad: Then of course we had this huge corner we painted ourselves into with the most powerful thing in the universe being the big bad of the season. We try and find a proper send off for Jack & for Cas. What to do w/ the boys & is that a together farewell or an individual?

It was just... lots of moving parts.

Dabb: I give a lot of credit to Bobo who really was the one who started banging the drum early & often to ending the mythology in 19 and end the characters in 20.

Brad: You're battling God & battling God & you have this epic situation going on through the first 3/4 of the show & then what? You send off Dean in act 4? That just felt wrong. Eugenie: We had this obligation, it was really mandatory, that we tie up the mythic narrative and leave the final episode for the emotional resolution. I [was] more on the side of not wanting to best God. To have God change to be more like his creations. So there were philosophical arguments, but we always knew God's resolution was going to be a big ticket item.

Jensen: We'd started day 1 of the 2nd to last episode, 19. We were 1 day down on that episode & we were just about to start our 2nd day & we got the call that morning that we were not going to be coming in that day.

Jensen: So we figured ok, we'll figure out protocol, figure out what we need to do, & we'll just regroup, come back on Monday. As that day progressed, it was like- this looks like more of an apocalypse that is ascending upon us than just a bad cold.

They pulled the plug & they said everybody go home.

Singer: Fortunately, we got assurance from both the studio & the network that one way or another we were gonna finish the series. That was comforting to us, but we didn't know when we were going to go back.

Eugenie: We didn't know what we were going back to... if this was the last time we would ever see the set. There was no plan. It was just get out of dodge. Dabb: When it first happened, we thought it would be a couple of weeks, maybe a month.

I had conversations w/WB where they expected everyone to be back shooting in June & then things got worse & pushed & pushed.

Eugenie: Slowly as we settled into that 4 or 5 month period, discussions were going on w/the studio, & the networks, & the actors. We knew there would be restrictions on what we were allowed to shoot, but finally, the mechanics were figured out.

Singer: So they were ready to go pretty quickly, shooting in Van, where covid wasn't quite as virulent as it was [in LA].

Dabb: We were one of the first shows, one of the first WB shows to start back up. So in a way, we were kinda a guinea pig. But, in being that, I think everyone took it really seriously. We had 0 positive tests. Crew members weren't going out on the weekends.

They were like look, if I get sick, it hurts the whole show. That speaks to the family culture up there, where we've had so much of our crew for so long. Where J2 & Singer provide such great leadership.

Singer: When I was in prep for 20, I was basically in the office but couldn't go to the set. It was very odd for me not to be able to go to the set while I was in prep.

Everybody just hung in there & did what they were supposed to do.

Brad: Then we were faced with the dilemma of having to rewrite a lot of the stuff bc of the pandemic bc of the limitations that we knew were going to come on the production.

Jensen: We were gearing up for, not only the end of that season, but the end of the series. There was a lot of big, big things written-packed- into those last two scripts.

Jared: At first, it was supposed to be a lot of our old cast from prior seasons in a Roadhouse with Kansas.

Everybody had already agreed. Kansas was going to be in Van. We were going to have dad there & mom there. Just probably 20 or 30 different actors & actresses who had been a part of the SPN's canon over the last 15 & a half years.

Jensen: It was scheduled to be the last day that we were going to film, so it was almost like rolling right into a nice wrap party on camera.

Brad: The idea of flying a boatload of ppl up there to quarantine for 2 weeks so they could shoot for a day was making less & less sense.

Eugenie: How do we make this work? And while you're doing that, you also don't want to sacrifice the heart and soul of the project.

So we came up with a reduced, much more intimate ending. It has been replaced by something equally magical & rewarding.

Singer: I felt an enormous responsibility in directing the finale of a show that's been on for 15 years. Andrew, when he saw the cut, he said some really nice things to me as to, you know, the way I handled the material.

Jensen: The scenes that were filmed on our last day on the sound stages were filled with the most emotion of the final episode.

Singer: One of the really hard things was we're on another stage that wasn't the MoL stage & they started wrecking the MoL sets

They'd been working on this set and been apart of this- this family for just as long if not longer than the set's been around. I was like "it's really sad seeing this get taken down" and the other guy said, "I'm trying to hold back tears while I'm swinging this hammer."

Jared: As we start saying goodbye to characters, to locations, like it just seems like every day you would wake up and there would be some reason to cry.

Misha: This is a show ultimately about love, & empathy, & caring, & I think that Castiel embodies that.

Misha: Half the crew was crying. It was really such a sweet, supporting environment to be in for the demise of a character that, of course, for me is really important.

But it was so lovely to see that, you know, the folks that I'm- I'm working with were also there for Cas at that moment.

Alex: To get to work with these caliber people & see your friends every day is really special & is not something that often happens in this business for this long. It's been definitely a topsy turvy last couple weeks here with us and the crew.

Jared: Friday of the final full week was the big scene in the barn with the vampires where Dean suffers his fate. They did the first two days with the entire stunt team & the young boy actors.

And then they cut it for Thursday night and they're like, okay, Friday, tomorrow, we’re starting the dialogue. Dean, you're on the post. Sam, you just cut off the last vampire's head.

That was the scene- that was where Supernatural was really encapsulated.

Jensen: And then the next week we kind of had this- on the road encore get together filmmaking scenario that felt more like we made it & it was more pats on the back as opposed to tearful goodbyes.

Dabb: In a weird way you can look at the 15 seasons is like Sam & Dean's emotional evolution. You know instead of therapy, they kill vampires, but other than that it's kind of the same & brings them both to a very good place. And a place where they can, as the song says, you know, lay their weary head to rest.

This felt like the most honest & emotionally fulfilling episode for these characters to us. Jared: I got thinking about how Supernatural started & how the majority of times how I thought it should end. It started with Sam & Dean Winchester. I think it's proper that it ended with Sam & Dean Winchester together again.

Jensen: When the cameras stop rolling & Bob yelled, “Cut!” and Bob yelled, “That’s a series wrap on Supernatural.” There was- a there was a loud cheer that echoed through that canyon we were filming in. I will- I will happily say that there were hugs that happened and that needed to happen. Those are people that I spent not just years with, but so much time with- it's like brothers in arms and so to put it to bed the way that we did felt really good and then felt good to hug some people, I'll tell you that much. Singer: I thanked everyone, but I wanted to really thank people who had been with us from the beginning and as I looked around, there were so many people who had been there from the beginning.

We really were a family. I always say about this show is one of the reasons that it was a success and is that it was not only about the Winchester family, but it was about the Supernatural family.

Jared: So now that's all said and done, I guess I can look back at it and just be proud that I helped this show carry on and I'm really proud of the blood, sweat, and tears that I put in, and I feel like- I feel like that sacrifice was also maybe one of the things I learned from Sam, you know? Sam had to sacrifice a lot. So, I'm honored and flattered and grateful that I got to be a part of that journey.

Dabb: You're never going to have another show like this. You're never gonna have another experience like this. For a lot of different reasons, from how long it ran, from the family that the show became, from the amazing fans that we have. [Footage of us] From the emotional investment people can put in over 15 years of their lives.

Some started watching this when they were in high school, when they were 15, they're 30 now, they might have kids. That's their- that's like half their life. They've been with this show. You're not gonna have that again. Shows just aren’t gonna run this long, especially genre shows, but I don't know that I'm ever gonna do anything else in my career that I'm gonna be more proud of than having been involved in this show.

Jared: The things that stick out are just how important it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And keep on working and wake up every day and treat it like it could be your last and- and if you make it out the other side, you'll be happy and proud of what you did.

Jensen: The crew had packed up, they had cleared the bridge, and they were all starting to, you know, load their trucks and get moving. And Jared and I just kind of hung back, and we just took a moment. I looked at him and I said, “I’m proud of us, man. I'm proud of what we've done.”

We know that that's the collective we, that is everyone that is involved, that is- you know from the top down. You know, for our portion, for what we contributed to this monster of the show, he and I reflected on that, and still able to see and smell the roses.

#supernatural #spn #spnfamily #spn family #spn 15.20 #spn s15 #spn s15 spoilers #carry on #spn finale #spn spoilers #sam winchester #dean winchester #jared padalecki #jensen ackles #brotherlylove #sam&dean #brothers man #bts #actor opinions

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