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#bc i refuse to let this happen again
muninnhuginn · 6 months
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li tianxi blaming herself for her parents not divorcing and because they don't things escalate past boiling point. blaming herself in the first place for the tensions between them because she has needs and not everyone is willing to try and meet her with them. li tianxi choosing to look away and not say what she sees anymore so this won't repeat. but in the process just ending up enabling tianchen as he spirals down and down.
li tianchen blaming himself because he wanted to fix things for his mum and do what she couldn't but instead he gets her dead. and tianchen just wants to protect tianxi like he failed to protect his mum but he doesn't try to actually *understand* her. so instead his efforts eventually drive her away because there's only so much she's willing to take. she didn't want to be 'protected' like this.
they've both lost their parents and tianxi doesn't want anyone to suffer as she has whilst tianchen wants everyone else to suffer as he has. everyone except tianxi.
wanting to protect someone but not giving them the agency in the decision. in whether they even want to be 'protected' in this way.
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frecklydork · 7 months
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i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.
i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please
i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light
#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them#i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow#so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday#i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day#its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad#he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that#im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it#wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser#that shouldnt be normal!!!!#but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships#bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year#so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again#i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be#but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are'#but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔#and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into#my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing#not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes#its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters#but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight#and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock#vent#ptsd#sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again#i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself#im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can#theres only so much i can do#when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal#i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything
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everysai · 1 month
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citizen-zero · 1 year
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After years of my mom obsessing over my hair and forcing me to do various treatments on it and threatening punishment if I didn’t comply. I’ve come to understand why Britney shaved her head that one time. I know that was something she did as part of a mental breakdown but fuck yeah good for her. I get it.
#and the stupid bitch still doesn’t get it or maybe she refuses to#like you can’t pretend you’re just worried and you don’t understand why I’m angry when you’ve spent years strong arming me into#putting castor oil in my hair and attempting to put mayonnaise in it and I think the only thing that stopped her was my dermatologist#bc he said it wouldn’t do anything at best and also don’t put fucking condiments in your hair#but she really wanted to and I don’t remember this but she might’ve hit me over my refusal#and she’d threaten to take my phone away or deny me something else if I didn’t let her do shit#and then recently she FaceTimed me while I was at DND and tried persuading me to see an endocrinologist#like saying oh she had a friend with the same problem and went to an endocrinologist and the birth control was the issue#(never mind the fact that my BC is the reason I don’t have painful cystic acne anymore and do have a regular period again)#and she was trying to push me into going#and I kept saying I wasn’t having this conversation w her now bc I was busy and she was just like ‘so when are we going to have it’#and basically trying to push past my boundary of I’m fucking busy and this conversation doesn’t need to happen now#I just hung up on her and went on airplane mode but fuck even thinking about it makes me so angry like I want to punch her kinds of angry#and honestly if she hadn’t kept ignoring me and hadn’t kept trying to have this conversation after I said I was busy maybe I would’ve taken#it into consideration and looked into seeing one sometime#but honestly now I absolutely fucking refuse unless my doctor and I agree it’d be a good idea#fuck off mom fuck off and mind your own fucking business#personal#erika's blog and bar
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lesbianlenas · 3 months
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everyone who says i complain abt my d*d too much look away rn 🤪
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catboyithaqua · 2 years
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MIU BECAME THE THING SHE HATED...... AND DIED BECAUSE OF IT.....
MIU BECAME THE THING SHE HATED AND DIED BECAUSE OF IT..............
MIU BECAME THE THING SHE HATED AND IT GOT HER KILLED AND KAITO HESITATED THE ONE TIME BECAUSE OF HOW HE ACTUALLY RESPECTS HIS SISTER AND CARES ABOUT HER
THE ONE FUCKING TIME HE HESITATES IN PROTECTING HER....... THE O N E TIME..... THE ONE TIME HE LISTENS TO HER. SHE DIES.
GAH FUCKING HELL THIS GAME!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS!!
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bo0zey · 1 year
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manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs
#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly#also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday#was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled#6:13???#then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything#so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs#and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor#i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk#and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years#i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly#so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again#i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to#i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone#they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday#they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words#i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone#meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs#i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her#“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’#i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again#i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again#ooos im crying again lol#im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child#23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol#i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t#i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol#pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid#drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem#i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like#i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive
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tiredqueertranarchist · 9 months
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So my abusive roommates are getting worse
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casscainsbiceps · 1 year
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getting older is painfully realizing u can't keep fuckin w ur sleeping habits and u HAVE to get ur sleep schedule in order
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pepprs · 1 year
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all is not well in waffletown
#i need to have more compassion for my mom bc she is extremely depressed rn and may have a serious physical illness as well which is so much#fun to deal with. but i am so angry and irritated with her rn. why do i have to ask you for permission to leave this place when i am almost#24 and work a full time job. why do i have to spend every single day rotting away instead of living my life bc you’ll guilt trip me for#wanting to be an independent adult as is my right. not everything is abou you being mentally ill over having ***** ive already lost enough#experiences and time in my life to it why do i have to give even more to it. i am almost TWENTY FOUR.#purrs#delete later#also i don’t even get to pick out the paint color in my new room which is so awesome. yessss take away all of my agency and sap out all of t#the joy from moments and milestones that are important to me 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍#im a brat for venting abt her online ik i need to have more compassion for her bc she is inches away from havi ng a mental breakdown and im#very scared abt what will happen if she does. but this is actually insane. im so mad#literally the most poetic example of this is how she broke her arm riding a bike in 4th grade so she refused to let me and my siblings learn#how to ride it. and how she grew up with 487429749274 pets and was traumatized by losing her dog so she didn’t let me or my siblings have#pets at all. and other examples i will not go into. like omg we are not YOU!!!!!! let us fucking LIVE good GOD!!!!!!!!!#also like how are you gonna attack me a few weeks ago over redacted and then when i do what you want you tell me no 😭😭😭😭😭 how does that even#make sense. and again to reiterate the point. WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR PERMISSION. I AM ALMOST 24.
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professionaljester · 1 year
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i’m coping so well i’m doing so well at keeping my mental health symptoms in check
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astrafell · 1 year
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i think the thing that makes me sad is the fact that i’ve had geralt for around 6 or 7 years now and i can’t remember ever getting the chance to write a monster hunting thread that went somewhere. you would think that a man who hunters monsters for a living would have that be his main go-to prompt. but yea, when i think about it? i genuinely think i had about 2 threads in that area and neither of them were really wanting to go into horror or magic or mystic. i love complex npcs too. but sometimes, i just wanna write geralt killing things and protecting innocent people from monsters.
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ttoya · 2 years
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cannot wait to see dabi beat hox’s ass and to see shigaraki best e words ass in the new season <3
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lunaetis · 2 years
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@avaere​ asked :
Yet another sparring season has come and gone, the harbinger always welcome to battles with a worthy opponent, even more so when it's her steps up against his, racing against one another to prove their worth to themselves.
And yet another scenario where he finds himself in her space, brushing fabric clean of snow, gentle glances sent in the direction of the swordswoman. Like this, she blended so well in with it all. The tall mountains that soared above everyone else, the shimmering show that very much resembled the very gleam in her eyes, the very same he found himself seeking out whenever given the chance. While Tartaglia would normally have sought to nature to rest his weary eyes on, these days they found themselves leaning on Eula more and more, happily so.
With gentle movements, Tartaglia approached Eula, snow crackling beneath his boots as he came to position himself in front of her. Once again he held a gaze for her, admiring her features, a sole hand rising up to the cheek. There, warm fingers would trace across her skin; she was so strong, how was he not supposed to admire her? For every trick he pulled, she was quick to match him.
He liked that. He liked Her.
" You certainly know how to keep me on my toes, Miss Aristocrat. "
Where one would usually find a cold gaze, there was only warm eyes, Tartaglia's thumb caressing the top of her cheekbone, the male struck in awe over her ( much like he had been before, only this time, he had allowed himself to feel if she felt it, too, the way ones face would light up after these intense moments ). Maybe he was ahead of himself, or maybe he was out of place. Yet, there was a part of him that Had to, an intense urge, a silly need to lean in... not close enough for their faces to meet, no, only close enough for their breath to meet in the cold weather. Again he'd let his thumb grace her cheek, eyes resting on her face.
" I just can't keep my eyes off you. "
unprompted. || always accepting
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─「エウルア」─  “ i’m worried about you, eula. ”
                the words uttered in concern were replayed within the knight captain’s mind after a SPARRING SESSION with one of her favorite opponents. the snow being kicked up as they got caught in their own rhythm of dance no one else could keep up with. they had proved to themselves time and time again how no one could capture each other’s attention the way the other had done. and when her claymore crossed with his hydro blades and polearm, NOTHING reflected within her vision other than him. it was a dance belonging to none but them, their SECRET, their bonding moment, their little world away from others.
                the sentence itself was said by the outrider during her last visit to the headquarter of ordo favonius to deliver her REPORT of the current situation of the abyss order and their plans. the words did gain her attention, causing the LAWRENCE HEIR to turn her head with a quizzical look towards the one she would call a true friend. dual-colored hues met with golden orbs and found how they were filled with genuine worry.
                “ i heard you got involved with a certain harbinger lately. ”
                this time, the words caused her to stiffen, as subtle as that reflex could be. the cryo knight immediately placed her report upon the acting grandmaster’s desk, but the other took a step closer to her, voice laced with concern still.
                “ if something happened, you’d tell me, right ? we’re friends. i’m here for you, eula. ”
                at this point, the KNIGHT CAPTAIN turned around as she was met with her best friend’s expression of unease. the way the archer had her hands laced together as though she was holding back from saying what was entirely on her mind made eula thin her lips. she understood where the other was coming from, yet, all that left her lips was; “ you have nothing to worry about. ”
                “ you can’t trust them, eula. they’re harbingers ! they must be plotting something — ”
her back was now facing the OUTRIDER, and pair of dual-colored orbs looked over her shoulder. there was a certain sharpness in her gaze, as sharp as the words that she uttered back to the other through gritted teeth and clenched hands. her gaze was of heartbreak.
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                “ i beg of you, amber, please stop. ”
                please don’t speak of him that way. not him.
                the lawrence heir snapped back to reality at the sound of the crunching snow, and she found her eyes lifting upwards to meet the brilliant blue hues of the 11th harbinger whom had his gloved palm resting to her cheek. his skin, despite partially covered by the leather glove was warm, a kind of WARMTH she had found herself yearning for in the middle of freezing weather surrounding them. the cold had never bothered her as it was her very element, however, when it comes to him —
                she couldn’t help bringing her own hand to place over his own, and press his palm closer to her skin as she nuzzled into his touch longingly. this warmth, this person ...
                she wanted it ... she wanted him.
                “ i just can't keep my eyes off you. ”
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                “ then don’t. ” her voice was barely above a whisper, like a plead, like a secret, uttered only for his ears, only for him to hear, and only for them to know. her eyes were kept upon him, like himself, she couldn’t possibly keep her eyes off of him now that he stood before her like this. was this considered a moment of weakness ? only one moment allowed for the two of them to be honest about this rising emotion they both felt within. the way her eyes would light up in sparks when they met his own, or the warmth bubbling inside of her chest when his skin made contact with hers.
                they were only a single breath apart, yet both of them knew if the small gap were to be broken, there was no TURNING BACK for them. his breath felt heated against her own, caressing ever so softly over her sensitive skin that was exposed to the cold. her lips trembled when they parted, but no words left her throat as eyes remained in contact and breath mingled into one.
                if this smallest of distance were to be gone ... only if ... they’d have reached the point of no return. so they couldn’t, right ? between them — whatever it was between them, it had to stay that way.
                “ don’t look. ” that was all that left her lips. long lashes draped over her eyes, blackening her own vision before the distance was GONE.
                she knew there was no turning back from the start.
                so if the consequences of it all were to come crashing down on her like the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD, then —
                — then a kiss was worth it.
                he was worth it.
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just-a-simple-dyke · 2 years
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Kp is so good when they take themselves seriously i wish they did that more often
#torture scenes are a prime example#this show does visceral and cruel so well but only when it wants to!! i hate that theres so much comedy and slapstick in there#if they dialed down on the comedy for like 80% i knowwww they could achieve so much more in terms of plot and interaction with it#the occasional cinematic genius undermined by all the comedy makes me sew mad you do Not need that many tonal shifts😭😭#porsches bathroom breakdown. when kinn let him go in the woods. the torture scenes. bathroom hj. ep 1 bar talk. most of ep 7#tankhuns comedy i enjoy and think is a great breather bc it fits his scenes!! i dont think they should get rid of all comedy but like#keep it where it fits only otherwise it just upsets the mood flow#gdjdgdjd ok im okay again whatever. i refuse to call this a bad show bc theres so much good stuff in there it just needs more balance#and it needs more correction on certain narratives like please acknowledge big and ken hello?? why are u not doing a check of all staff#when you KNOW theres been a mole this should affect your security measures#i think if they really committed to the 'gritty mafia show' it wouldve worked out a lot better! obviously still keep in tankhuns wit#and the breathers of the honeymoon phase and porsche and chay together and such#but swap the slapstick for more insight into how each character feels about everything thats happened or more reflection yknow#anyway this is not necessarily in regards to ep 10 its just a general observation because sometimes this show goes !!!!#and other times its like. well. that was a choice#do i want to tag this......i dont think so
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babygirljake · 2 years
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I'm a delusional clown 🤡 with you. I get it, we have collective fandom PTSD, especially after we thought we were getting an album in 2018 and got XFUK instead but I'm just going to sit in the corner and pretend everything is okay and new music, content and tour are in the not too distant future after LTWT 2022 ends. 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
sometimes that’s just what we have to do!! not everyone though, it’s entirely understandable why someone would be upset or want to distance themselves or whatever is the case. I get it. I just think he either 1.) misspoke bc the dummy was partying until like 5am or 2.) literally meant he won’t be in argentina for a bit bc next tour he’s going to places he didn’t make it to this year <3
and if that ends up as me being delusional, well 🤡 it is what it fucking is my friend ❤️
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