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#bc idk. i really don't know why i'm so anxious to be into this but i am
da-proti-toku-grem · 9 days
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feeling like a total asshole today 👍
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying#and i felt absolutely nothing#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back#not right now#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)#is easier than talking in spanish#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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sureuncertainty · 4 months
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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cookies-over-yonder · 1 month
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cookies sad hour whining hour ignore me (<- actually loves attention)
#i'm sad because i wish people would message me first more#i'm always the person who messages first#but when other people send me messages it makes me feel like oh you actually like talking to me and wanted to reach out and talk to me and#are giving me attention without me messaging first#i am a person who needs a lot of attention#and i don't mind asking for it bc i'm the kind of person who says what i want and need#but i get really sad at it sometimes because#when i'm feeling depressed or anxious then i isolate myself and if other people were to reach out to me first more then it would be less#likely to happen#like i even just want people to check in on me every now and then. ask me how i'm feeling if i've mentioned going through a depressive#episode#or whatever mental troubles#idk why i'm feeling so emotional about this suddenly#like i don't mind messaging people first but i guess when it comes to me struggling badly then i WISH people would message me to ask me#how i'm doing#@ all my friends reading this i am not upset at anyone at all btw i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert#almost no one messages me first which is whatever cuz i'm chatty and used to initiating conversations but i guess it also makes me sad#i dont ask people to because i'm not about to force people to be doing something that is uncomfortable for them#i do ask people to check in on me though if they know i'm having an episode#idk if it rly happens though#i just sometimes fear that if i stopped pulling my weight in relationships due to a mental health crisis that all of my friendships will di#because i'm the one who initiates everything#again i'm not upset at anyone i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert#vent#you can heart this or reply or whatever idc but rbs are off for obvious reasons
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daz4i · 10 months
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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astrxealis · 1 year
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sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself?#and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways#humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good#and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up#leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that#me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies#pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm#yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice#and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since#christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??)#OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure#which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata#and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing#ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that#im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk#and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my#personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol)#but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am#and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS#anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends#as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho#that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so#sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like#we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids#but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone#who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways#OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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i feel better now THANK GOD
#🌙.vent#OHH I'LL REMOVE THE STUFF FROM MY RPEVIOUS POST BUT#HDFLAKSDJF I MANAGED TO COMFORT MY FRIEND A BIT. I THINK#i feel so bad tho bcs like genuinely at times i get like#i can't help it i rlly overthink n fall to doubt n#i'm so afraid that#am i like#too much or too little?#overwhelming or too distant#i'm really glad i managed to help though aaaa#but i think#helping others rlly puts me at ease..#bcs i really care so much for all the ppl in my life#not sure how i cld help them. often i really get anxious when it comes to reaching out#something i realized over the years which i find rather peculiar is that i'm far more likely to#idk like#w friends that have no chance of being romantically attracted to me. i can easily be more affectionate#i don't know WHY but that thought just just dumped itself in my head or smth#bcs i am very naturally affectionate at heart i can't help it#i'm just dumping rn i really don't know what to say atp n that isn't rlly related but#there's just sm on my mind rn i need to write wtvr to keep me sane aaaa fdfhslkdafjklfajsdkfj#oh i really do end up unintentionally often restraining aspects of myself around others n i hate ittttt#like w some friends maybe i wldn't really talk about my interests? so they'll have more room to talk about their own#w some other friends maybe i'll tone down being affectionate bcs while i really am just naturally like that at heart i#i don't want them to like. be weirded out by me or smth?????#genuinely btw god i feel rlly bad at times bcs often i'm not rlly specifically high on energy or wtvr#i'm naturally a bit. slow ig. n sometimes i worry like what if i'm being too dry or too much of smth else or#NO I'M OVERTHINKING AGAIN anxiety ig bcs wdym it's 10pm ! endwalker's been out for nearly a year n novembers nearly over#TIME............ I'M GOING A BIT INSANE BUT OTHERWISE I'M DOING FINE I JUST NEED TO HOLD ON N DO WHATEVER IG????#I AM. OVERWHELMED BUT I'M FINE this is a very weird overlap between being okay enough but also srs just being so overwhelmed i cant . oh my
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mrfoox · 2 years
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How to stop avoiding things that stress me out until it becomes a problem...
#miranda talking shit#I've always had an avoiding behavior but the last few years like its bad....#I think its bc i live af home so no one will check on me and remind me about stuff#So I just repress and ignore things until they are a bigger problem and then I'm like 0: what#For some reason ive put conversing with friends in that seat to its an problem#Like logically i know i like to talk with people amd 9/10 times i feel better for it but ... Now i just dont#For like 6 months now ive gotten so bad at it. I was bad before too but now its really bad#Only reason i can think of is that my add/autistic brain feels overwhelmed bc i dont have just 4 friends anymore#Like I've onlh had like 4 friends since i was young and until my 20s but now ive slowly gotten more#And i like that and love them all but i think i feel overwhelmed somehow ...#Like i struggle to divide my attention a lot. I function best when i can sink all my attention info one thing#And now when i have 15+ friends to keep in contact with i struggle so my solution is just to isolate and talk to no one...#Friendships with me suck. Especially if you're a person who does mind id you don't get an reply in a day bc It can take me weeks or more to#Come back with an answer ... And it's never bc i dislike anyone. Its simply bc i feel overwhelmed and i worry about what fo reply#Thats also why i think tje best friendships for me are the type where they ... Get that . But also engage with me and send me an message#Once in a while. Mainly bc then its like an poke button so i can't just isolate myself ?#Im so bad at social stuff in general. Like writing first... I struggle badly. And once i do and get an answer back fairly quickly im like#Oh shit no tjis is too much. Idk man. Everything in life feels so Much ™ and im exhausted and anxious#Autism tag
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sternenmeerkind · 2 years
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Oof, it's that time again
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alle-ni · 7 months
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My thoughts about goodomensverse (I'm clinically insane) (my personal opinion) (long post)
Book Crowley:
- absolute disaster
- lonely boy
- grumpiest
- he's so in love with Aziraphale but didn't even realised yet
- a bit dumb sometimes ngl
- very tired
- he's trying so hard save earth and everything he knows but everytime he tries to explain why it's always AZIRAPHALE
- sometimes he's like... your old gay uncle, the old gay uncle of the family except it's a 6000 years old gender fluid demon
- HISS LIKE A SNAKE GANG
- got called dear once and them died (figuratively)
Radio Crowley:
- flirty
- "Humm have you ever seen me in a dress~~??"
- he's like flirting with Aziraphale 24/7
- 0 patience this man is a BOMB
- if Aziraphale ever EVER got slightly flirty with him back he will EXPLODE
- smartest of them all, he's very intelligent
- HISS LIKE A SSSSSNAKE GANG
- he's so in love with Aziraphale and it makes him SO FRUSTRATED
- his Aziraphale is the hardest one to reach, maybe this is why he's so deliberately obvious and direct with him (he's resilient, he will never give up)
- he's like a tsudere teenager collegial except he's a 6000 years old demon with serious issues
- not called dear yet poor soul </3
TV Crowley:
- SILLY
- he's the dumbest of them all, sorry 😭
- red hair
- he's so in love with Aziraphale and everyone notice it's SO OBVIOUS
- he's the most affected by The Bookshop Burning ™ event
- the only one who got to kiss the angel, good for him ig, or sorry, idk
- anxiety bomb he literally (literally) EXPLODE
- strongest soldier bc his Aziraphale is IMPOSSIBLE
- got dumped 2 times more than the others someone pls help him
- the most brave tho
- doesn't hiss a lot :/ free him from this madness let him hiss
- he's like a puppy with giant yellow eyes except it's a 6000 years old snake demon that lies all the time
- protective as hell this man wouldn't let anyone near Aziraphale if possible
- got called dear but at what cost??????????????
Book Aziraphale:
- Anxious all the time, religious trauma except the god is your father and he left you and never talk to you again and the guard angels are your siblings and they want you do be dead
- He's so soft he wants so bad to comfort Crowley but he's really hard to reach
- his Crowley is the most difficult of all of them, he needs to circle him a lot to get in touch
- this man got called names so often I don't think he even cares anymore
- he's very nerdy
- he's the calmest of them all
- really chill
- everyone is so mean to him for no reason
- he has 1 braincell tbh and it's really bad bc his Crowley is not that brilliant too they're both stupid sometimes
- he really REALLY wants to be with Crowley and Crowley only, he sounds almost obligated to be with heaven
- he is really kind to others even when they don't deserve
- he called Crowley dear once and then implode
Radio Aziraphale:
- full of himself
- bastard
- the most closed and oblivious of them all
- he tries to play cool with Crowley all the time (he's slowly getting insane and someday he will jump on this man)
- he's the most self sufficient one he barely holds on Crowley to anything and they're pretty independent
- Crowley can say shit like "Miss me angel~~??" and he would keep a bored face and not react at all (he screamed with the walls 4 hours later)
- he's also a tsudere collegial but he at least try to look cool and composed in public
- he's the Aziraphale that most believes in heaven, he's sure they are good and selfless and the right side
- he's not so brilliant tbh but he got a lot of spirit
- the most active Aziraphale ?? He really put his hand in the dirt and do the things alone
- the most angry and bad tempered of them all, bro scream "WE ARE CLOSED LOOK AT THE DAMN SIGN" when ppl barely touch the bookshop door
- he has a lot of patience with Crowley, not deserved tbh bc he thinks it's his personal job to get in Aziraphale's nerves
- overall he is polite
- he's really proud of their "arrangement" there not only one chance he let go without saying that
- he likes to provoke Crowley sometimes too but not as much as the other way around
- if he ever call Crowley dear he will explode
TV Aziraphale:
- bitchiest
- this man need to be sedated what the fuck Aziraphale
- most nuts of then all he's CRAZY
- he's the most up to do shit with Crowley they're insane together
- he doesn't let Crowley rest he is flirting and being cute and hitting on Crowley all the time
- he's so obviously in love with Crowley its embarrassing
- he's the fruitiest he's the entire salad
- the most... indulgent, if I can say, of them all
- more like an employer of heaven, different of book Aziraphale
- he's the only one with almost white hair
- he got kissed but at what cost
- he's the most intelligent of all of them how can he be this dumb
- he loves little things about earth and humans and life and he seems to be the Aziraphale that most love EARTH itself, like, the life, the humans, the food, the little pleasures we have, the little time of happiness we have between all the shit that is happening... he really loves humans <3
- he's conflicted about heaven, he seems to know that there's something WRONG with how heaven works but still doesn't understand what exactly it is
- "oh but saving me makes him soooo happyyyy~~~"
- overall kind and sweet, in a excited way
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strongheartneteyam · 8 months
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Realize where you belong.
Chapter 9
Pairing: neteyam sully x female!dreamwalker!reader/female!human!reader
CW: wholesome fluff, a good amount of angst, lo'ak being nosy lol jk he's genuinely trying to look after neteyam, descriptions of masturbation, TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of depressive symptoms, reader meeting neteyam in her avatar body, neteyam and reader vent to each other about their struggles, sensitive themes, hurt/comfort, cuddling, sexual tension, kissing, sexual content, mentions of sexual fluids, neteyam slightly begging to mate with reader, foreplay (i don't know if it counts but it definitely is teasing in a sexual way). Tell me if I missed something ♡
Hello, my cute little readers! I got a little better in terms of my fibro flare up and have been feeling a little better emotionally/mentally these days, so, I was able to write again. There's a slight chance that some paragraphs are a bit confusing. I didn't fully proofread it. I'm sorry, my babies, I'm really tired right now, really achy, still. And I'm extremely hungry and there's some delicious homemade orange cake in front of me waiting to be eaten 😍 I've already eaten two pieces of it and drank a full cup of coffee with milk but I NEED to eat more bc I'm still starving and I love cake and coffee 🤤 idk about other countries but it's a tradition that we have here in Brazil to eat cake and drink coffee, together 🤍 anyways I gotta shut up now lol Hope you enjoy this chapter! I'd love to read your lovely comments down below 👉🏻👈🏻 I love y'all SO MUUUCH 😘 
Slightly proofread.
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Chapter 8
ˏˋ°•*⁀➷
No way out of your quicksand
But I can breathe underneath
Take your love, cover me
Pull me down, pull me down
You are wonderful
You've taken all of my heart
It was so worth the fall
Don't let go
Quicksand (Bridgit Mendler)
ˏˋ°•*⁀➷
Today you felt anxious but excited. It was your first day off in a week. You were gonna Dreamwalk in your Avatar today. But you were not gonna be on a solo mission this time. Neteyam would be by your side. You two had planned to meet each other next to the river you always loved to play in. You had always loved running water.
Having Neteyam around felt like a breath of fresh air to you since you never truly felt at home amidst other human beings and, after so many years, it started to feel like a joke to you to insist on trying to fit into a society that seemed to not even want you there, in the first place. Most people behaved towards you like you were weird in some way. Neteyam never made you feel that way. You did not know if it was in view of the fact that he was na'vi or if it was just because he was in love with you.
You had always preferred to live among plants, insects, songs, books, animals… on your own little world, since you were a little girl. Everybody used to call you a daydreamer, saying you had your head on the clouds. When you were a child, you did not let that get under your skin. That's the beauty of childhood wonder, it has a lot of wisdom in it that we seem to forget, once we start growing up. Your little self never cared about those "demonstrations of care and concern" (that were nothing but condescending criticism and you never understood why people tried to conceal that fact if it was so obvious) because you knew you were not crazy or completely oblivious to reality like they used to say. Your fun and whimsical inner world was what felt like home to you, not the everyday mundane routine, the protocols that seemed ridiculously stupid to you, the shallow conversations and gossip… the over-all human society. It fucking sucked, if you were going to be totally honest. 
It's not that you hated your own kind. No. It's just that you hated the way they built their empires, throughout history, the tainted legacy the ancestors left for the ones to come in the future - like a dying Planet, for example -, because of their own stupidity and recklessness.
You knew you were not harming anyone - yourself included - despite always engaging in daydreaming, all alone, with your earbuds on or just staring at a beautiful landscape and your grip on reality was still in check. Your grip on reality was actually so tight, your fingers would get hurt and start to bleed sometimes, because reality is a double bladed sword. It keeps you safe and stable, it is needed for you to not go bonkers, but it also cuts you deep with its sharp edges.
༊⁀➷
Neteyam prepared to go out today to meet you during the day for the first time after the both of you became mates. It was just like Eywa had blessed him as he was able to finish all his duties to the clan and his training a little earlier than the usual today. Or maybe the Great Mother had nothing to do with it and it was all Neteyam making the greatest effort ever just to be able to spend some time with you in the daylight and finally see you in your na'vi body again. He missed seeing you like that. He missed the way your tail would wag softly showing you were feeling happy, he missed looking at your stripes and thinking they were the most beautiful stripes he had ever seen and most of all, he missed admiring the way you loved his planet, the way you respected and appreciated Eywa instead of hurting her.
When Neteyam was taking his bow and arrows and putting them on his back, ready to go into the woods to meet you, Lo'ak approached him, suspicious.
"Where are you going, bro?"
"To the forest. Maybe I can hunt for some food and if I'm lucky I'll bring us some good meat for dinner." Neteyam smiled and gave his younger brother a head pat, rapidly walking out of the Sully's hut door
Lo'ak wanted to yell something to his older brother, something like "I know there's something you're not telling me" but he did not. If Neteyam was hiding something, it would probably not be something that would harm him - Neteyam. Everybody knew how responsible - to the point of being annoying, sometimes - Neteyam was. Lo'ak used to get Neteyam into trouble all the time back when they were just teenagers and he was trying not to do that as much as he used to, even though he was not exactly doing a great job - he was doing a terrible job, actually - but he was still trying. He would still keep an eye on his older brother - "It seems like the tables have turned, huh?" Lo'ak thought - but he would leave him alone to do whatever he was going to do in the forest. He knew Neteyam did not have much free time for himself and he sometimes felt sorry for him, seeing him so tired and even stressed out really often because of his Olo'eyktan to be training and his responsibilities as the older brother. Lo'ak used to hold some grudges on his older brother when he was younger but now he understood that Neteyam actually struggled a lot too.
Neteyam pretended to not notice anything when he was leaving home but he did not fail to see the mistrust on Lo'ak's face. That was something he would have to deal with sooner than he wanted to, he acknowledged. He also thought about how his mother would react when she eventually finds out that her son, the future Olo'eyktan of their tribe, was in a relationship with a human girl. Neteyam did not want to disappoint his mother. He knew how proud she was of him and it hurt to think that she could start to think badly of him. He tried his hardest to whoosh those thoughts away.
༊⁀➷
The Pandoran sun shone bright up in the sky, its rays reflecting on your bioluminescent freckles, making them a little more evident on your skin. The soothing sound of the leaves dancing with the pleasant wind and the water running in the nearby river filled the atmosphere around you. You walked slowly towards Neteyam, adrenaline dancing around in your belly in a bittersweet motion.
When Neteyam looked at you, it was like lightning had struck him. Not a destructive kind of lightning but a good one, sweet in its intensity, falling strongly all over him. Neteyam was seeing you in your Avatar for the first time after you had become his mate.
Your mouth was somewhat open, revealing your upper teeth and your na'vi (Avatar?) fangs. Your gaze revealed how much you had anticipated that moment, how much you stayed up when you should be sleeping, thinking about finally being able to see the look in Neteyam's face when he saw you in your Avatar. You knew he had watched you while you were Dreamwalking too many times before but you never got to see the admiration in his eyes when he did so as he had been stalking you, not letting you know he was around. You had wished to see his beautiful golden eyes captivated by you for so long. You wanted to feel pretty and desired like that. And now you were finally experiencing it as Neteyam looked almost dumb with enchantment while he stared at you. But cute dumb, you know? So damn cute…
You stared back at him as you took the last steps towards the place where he stood, as if he was frozen.
Neteyam felt like he was not able to move as he took in how beautiful you looked. He had never seen your na'vi body so close to his own body and it felt overwhelmingly good to do so. His sweet yawne finally belonged to him and he could now touch you and hold you in the physical form he found you most beautiful in. It's not like he did not think you were madly beautiful and hot in your human body, he always wanted to pin you down and make love to you while he was close to your human form, but nothing compared to seeing you in your na'vi form, the form where you smiled the most, where you seemed so much more alive and full of lust for experiencing the world around you. That made you even prettier. Happiness looked pretty on you.
Neteyam was na'vi and his people did not have as many severe mental struggles like humans did but there were rare cases where some na'vi who went through terrible trauma in their lives did become uninterested in fighting their dark thoughts and they did become extremely depressed, though they could be cured from that illness through rituals that healed the spirit, performed by their clan's Tsahìk.
Neteyam was not blind or oblivious to things that were obvious to the naked eye. He knew that nobody would break down and cry as often as you did, only minutes after waking up in the morning, while getting ready for work etc if this person was not in an enormous amount of pain, the kind of pain that made them wish to disappear and never be found again. Thinking about his mate feeling that kind of sorrow made him feel like his heart was being torn into pieces, blood spilling from it like water spills from a fountain.
The reason why Neteyam was so determined to convince you to transfer your consciousness to your na'vi body forever was not some selfish wish, it was not just because he wanted to take you to his tribe and have you be his mate, be able to bond with you through tsaheylu every night and get to love your body, sharing his affection and sexual pleasure with you as well as feeling your own through the bond - even though that thought did wake up a raw, intense desire and need inside of him and he just could not stop himself from fantasizing about that while stroking his cock when he could be all by himself without any chance of disturbance. Neteyam also wanted to give you the opportunity to live a blissful and fulfilling life, a life where you would laugh way more often than cry. If he knew someone that deserved nothing less than that, that person was you.
If in the worst case scenario, you still felt so bad after you had your consciousness transferred to your na'vi body, Neteyam planned to ask his mother to perform a ritual that heals the spirit on you. Thinking about that, he suddenly felt anxious and he felt his heart tightening inside his chest. Neteyam had been trying not to worry about the fact that it would be extremely hard to convince his mother to accept you as his mate and perform the ritual of transference of consciousness on you but that thought had been eating him alive constantly, ever since he talked to you for the first time, outside of the laboratory’s kitchen window.
"Hi, muntxatan." (male mate) Neteyam's heart started beating quickly and it almost came out of his throat when he heard you calling him your mate in his people's language as you stopped in front of him and smiled widely, your eyes narrowing slightly. Those torturing thoughts about his mother trying to tear the both of you apart quickly were washed away from his mind by your presence. It was hypnotizing to him.
"Yawntu… You're just so beautiful. So insanely beautiful." Neteyam smiled, his eyes shining, still bewitched by you, and pushed you roughly against his body. He hugged you tighter than he ever did before since he knew he wouldn't hurt you by doing so when you're Dreamwalking. The size difference between the both of you was not that substantial anymore. His chin rested on the top of your head as he held you strongly against his body.
His roughness did not hurt you, on the contrary, it made you feel safe and protected to have his big - currently not huge, just big - arms around you, keeping your body close as your head was against his chest, your eyes shut and you could hear his heart beating fast. It made you indescribably happy to know that you were the reason for that quick heartbeat. You curled your lips up, smiling peacefully.
Peace. You spent so much time without feeling that but, after you accepted becoming Neteyam's mate, finally defeating your cruel fears, you started to feel peaceful way more often than you had ever felt in your life, even more often than you did when you were little.
Neteyam distanced your bodies a bit, still putting his hands on the sides of your arms, right below your shoulders and announced:
"Come! There's a place I wanna take you to." He took your hand and started walking in front of you, excitedly leading you somewhere 
"Where are you taking me?" You smiled and chuckled softly, curious
"You'll see." It was all he said
Neteyam made you feel excited about little things, like you were just a child again, a feeling you hadn't felt in so, so long. After Neteyam came to your life, it was like he painted vivid colors on your once all too white and dull canvas. You almost shivered at the reminder that you nearly ruined your chance to have a love so pure and true such as this one because of fear of the unknown and refusal of getting out of your comfort zone.
After walking through the rainforest with you for a little while, Neteyam stopped in front of a tall, large tree and you soon recognized it. Its branches had clusters that were full of some beautiful fruits that reminded you of blueberries that used to exist on Earth, before they went extinct.
"Here. Do you recognize this tree? I've seen you look at it so many times. Were you wondering if the yovo fruits are safe to eat?"
"Yeah." You smiled bashfully "They look delicious."
"And they are. They're safe to eat, yawne. We can eat some now, if you want to." Neteyam smiled kindly at you. The fact that he remembered small details about you made your heart melt. 
"I'd love that, Teyam."
Neteyam smiled, unbelieving.
"What did you call me?"
"Teyam…?" You furrowed your eyebrows "It's just a nickname I came up with for you… Do you hate it?" You contorted your features in a way that showed him you were feeling slightly insecure and embarrassed 
"No! I love it, yawntutsyìp! I love it." He smiled and chuckled "I just wasn't expecting it. I love that my muntxate is calling me by a special nickname. Feels intimate." Neteyam came closer to you and held your face with both his beautiful strong blue hands
You looked up at his face with doe eyes and waited as you knew what was coming. You could feel it. The sneaky butterflies started flying inside your belly again.
Neteyam kissed you slowly, crushing his soft wet lips against yours. He pressed his lips on your mouth again and again for a short amount of time but it was enough to make your legs feel weak.
"Come, oeyä muntxate. I'll help you climb the tree."
Neteyam did as he said and soon enough you both were sitting on the wooden "floor" of the tree, sharing yovo fruits and eating them.
You two started to chill and talk about everyday life. It felt so good. It felt familiar, just like any relationship you had had before with a human guy, but better. So much better. Your alien boyfriend - mate? It felt so weird to say it like that… - made you feel things that none of your ex human boyfriends could ever dream to do. Neteyam made you feel understood. He did not judge you. He made you feel at home. Neteyam was becoming home for you.
You started to tell him how sad and done with everything you sometimes felt. Well, not sometimes… It happened all the time, even though it got better now that Neteyam was in your life. But you did not want to make him worry about you.
"You know, sometimes I feel like that too."
"What do you mean?" You questioned
"Like there's so much chaos inside that I just wanna talk to someone and vent. But I'm always so busy. There never seems to be time to find someone to do that with."
You were slightly surprised. 
"Yeah, me too. Always too busy." You sighed "And exhausted, to be honest. Both physically and mentally."
"Well, I do have way more stamina than humans do" You laughed at Neteyam's teasing "But some nights I come home from training and after taking care of my siblings, really, really tired too. And I don't mean only physically."
"We have some stuff in common, don't we?" You pointed out, smiling
"We certainly do." He smiled back
You felt good knowing that.
Neteyam laid on the floor, right by your side.
"I'm full" He let out a laugh that sounded lovely in your ears while stroking his stomach.
"Me too." You laid on the floor too, just like Neteyam had just done. Your belly felt pleasantly filled up "But these fruits are so good I'd still eat a dozen of them." You playfully said, laughing
"Do you want more? I can get you some more." Neteyam gently offered
"No, it's okay, Teyam. I'm good for now." You smiled at him
Neteyam smiled back, showing no teeth, a soft, enamored look in his feline amber eyes.
You two spent some time together in comfortable silence.
"Oeyä muntxate?"
"Yeah?" You looked at him and let out a relaxed sigh, smiling softly
"Oel ngati kameie." He said, with vulnerable sincerity in his eyes
It seemed like he was gazing inside your very soul. Like his golden eyes could see something in you nobody else could. Like he saw who you truly were. Like Neteyam saw the good and bad and the ugly and the greatness and the doubts and the fears and the uniqueness and the ordinary parts of you, like he saw all of you, and it did not scare him off to see your dark side. You could feel he was staying for both your virtues and your vices. And maybe that's what "Oel ngati kameie" meant, when said to the one you're choosing to be your mate. Means connecting to someone in a raw, deep way, a way that nobody else is able to. A way that allows you to see the other person's flaws but not be afraid of them and try to find a way out. A way that allows you to see the grace in every little detail that that other soul has, to see the beauty in them that they themselves could never see.
"Oel ngati kameie…" You finally said, smiling, still not believing he had said those words to you
Neteyam smiled brightly while gazing into your eyes. He always looked deep inside your eyes… It felt almost too much but it still had just the right amount of intensity for it to be deliciously alluring instead of overwhelming.
Neteyam took your hand and intertwined your fingers on his. You felt the touch of his warm hand burning your skin in a pleasant way. After a few seconds, he kissed the back of your hand tenderly. You kept staring at both your hands glued together for a while.
"I wanna cuddle with you, oeyä muntxate." His voice brought your attention back to his face.
You could hear nervousness and need in his tone.
"Sure, yawne."
You were starting to really like calling Neteyam by na'vi pet names. The na'vi language was incredibly pleasing to the ears, in your opinion.
Neteyam started moving your body carefully, so you could lay on your side and when you obeyed, laying in said position, he himself laid on his side and pulled you in, making your body be as close to his as he could, your ass against his clothed member. 
Your lungs started to do a poor job at helping you breathe now that the both of you were so close. You got nervous as you two had, yes, cuddled before, when you were in your human body, but he was never behind you like that, his body glued to yours. You knew he could feel your ass on his cock. Your heart was beating at the speed of light.
It did not take long for you to start to feel Neteyam was now fully erect, his cock pressed against your ass. You felt the inner walls of your pussy start to twitch and you got all wet, your juices spreading over your panties. Neteyam was so big and thick and your body responded like crazy to him.
It was a violent, invincible desire that made Neteyam cling so much to you, all the time. It would burn his insides, making him yearn for you, for your touch, for your warmth. There was no rational explanation inside his head for it. Neteyam could not understand it, he could only feel it covering all his being, exuding from his eyes whenever he looked at you, touched you, kissed you… He knew you could tell how much he was thirsty for you almost all the time. But Neteyam did not care about being so vulnerable. He wanted you to know what you did to him. Maybe like that you would surrender sooner and give yourself to him completely already. He felt so impatient. Everyday it was getting harder and harder for him to not take you in his arms and mate with you. This wait was killing him, day by day. It was like a slow and agonizing death. And now that he could smell your sweet juices so vividly, he felt like he could no longer hold back.
Neteyam pushed you even closer to him. You whimpered softly, the feeling of his huge, girthy cock pressed against your butt was divine.
Neteyam got you crazily wet just so quickly that it never failed to surprise you. He was like quicksand to you; you could try and run as much as you wanted but you would always end up being swallowed by his love.
"I need you so much, muntxate…" He cried out softly in your ear while rubbing his hard cock on your ass. "You're all wet for me. You smell so good, it's intoxicating." He sniffed the air, savoring your natural scent just like it was the most mouthwatering thing he had ever felt filling his sensitive nostrils "Please, lemme make you mine completely, my sweet yawne. Please…"
༊⁀➷
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344 notes · View notes
ghouljams · 28 days
Note
Ghoul maybe it’s bc I’m acespec but I’ve always related the most to betas and have always felt that they should be the rarest and not alphas or omegas (I also hate the idea of rare meaning that people may only know like one, 1% of a million is still 10,000)
You're totally valid in this my love, I am saying that right out of the gate. I love when acespec folks weigh in on kink and fic tropes like this because y'all provide such an interesting perspective that I (as an allo person) don't have.
I think this is one of my issues with traditional a/b/o as well. The way that betas are treated and categorized feels very much not only as a cultural other, but also as sexless. Which is great for acespec folks, but also makes me wonder about ace omegas or ace alphas.
I am firmly against any endotype being considered "rare" simply because again I view it as a sliding scale.
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Lets say this is the Alpha-Omega scale with Alphas as yellow and Omega as blue. A "true" beta would be that nice green in the middle, but really anyone could be anywhere on this scale. Betas would range from high spectrum(leaning alpha) to low spectrum (leaning omega) and similarly omegas and alphas could be "low spectrum" meaning they lean more towards beta. It's just the amount of each hormone you have in your body.
I don't think sexuality is tied to any one endotype the same way I don't think sexual proclivities are. Omegas aren't all bottoms, alphas aren't all tops. Everyone has a heat/rut cycle it's just how strong it is, and just like in normal humans it's a miserable hormone addled experience for some, and a breeze for others. There's no reason an omega or alpha couldn't be ace, heat/rut doesn't turn you into a sex crazed animal, it's just the point of time when you're most fertile. It's ovulation, or a period, or idk what it would be for amab folks. The time of your cycle when you're moody and just want to lay down for a week.
Back to my issue with betas in traditional omegaverse fic. They've always felt like just... the other ones, the normal humans. It always felt to me like an exclusionary designation, and that just doesn't sit right for me. It's saying "well you're not a top or a bottom so I guess you don't matter." AND AGAIN it reduces a whole subset of people to a stereotype. I fucking hate that, let people be people, let the human experience be varied and beautiful!
I don't see why any endotype can't be any thing. Alpha/Beta/Omega, whatever you are you're still a person with your own thoughts, feelings, sexuality, and gender. No endotype can be defined by any one thing, there may be expectations, but there are expectations on us now and we still define ourselves by more than that.
Ace Omegas who spend their heats with their friend because they need someone to remind them to eat and take their pills while they're laying face down on the floor with cramps. Who sit on the couch during their friend's rut and hold their hair back as they lay over the arm of the couch and try not to vomit because the hormones make their head spin.
Ace Alphas that get anxious about their roommate's heat because there aren't not enough blankets in the apartment and- no- you stay right there, I'm going to get you some soup. Ace Alphas that spend their rut crying at videos of kittens learning to walk and stealing their qpf's pillows because they're fluffier than the ones in their room.
Ace Betas that get side eyed when they sniffle during a movie because betas are supposed to be the unflappable ones, the ones that don't get emotional over nothing. Ace Betas that build nests. Ace Betas that spray their friend with scent neutralizer after a heat because they fucking STINK, shoving their friend in the bathroom to shower while they figure out cleaning up the house.
Idk. do you get what I'm saying?
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alexxncl · 10 months
Text
how the obey me characters like their coffee
brothers, dateables + luke, and side characters
resurgence of my coffee obsession has me thinking thoughts
and i'm right bc they all told me this themselves
masterlist
lucifer
i feel like he likes his shit sickeningly sweet...like you can barely taste the coffee
so much creamer it almost looks like milk, so much sugar that your teeth will fall out just by looking at it
it used to help him stay awake, but he's immune to it now. he just drinks it to drink it
he doesn't care for iced coffee that much. he had a sip of mammon's and almost gagged
mammon
the blackest coffee you've ever seen, extra espresso shots, whether it's hot or iced
y'all know how pedro pascal and jaemin from nct like their coffee? yeah...nasty
if he hasn't had his coffee, don't talk to him
unless you're mc or luke. then you have a pass
he drinks it before he leaves the house, while he's walking to RAD, while he's in class, while he's at lunch, while he's in detention, while he's-
you get the picture
but he won't admit that he's addicted
levi
he likes chai tea 🫶🏽
coffee never sat well with him, it made him more anxious than he already is
he likes the taste but he can live without it
he drank a bunch of it once while pulling an all-nighter with mammon before an exam...never again
luci and mams keep a very close eye on his caffeine intake
satan
no cream or milk, but a shit ton of sugar
"bitter like my soul" headass
he doesn't drink it often, but he's particular when he does
doesn't like hot coffee because he can't drink it right away
either makes it himself or asks asmo to do it when he's too tired
asmo
more milk than sugar with a pretty design on top
an oat milk girlie
strongly prefers hot coffee but will drink either
he just has a knack for creative stuff, y'know?
i feel like he worked as a batista for a while and does little pop up shops for his fans :(
beel
he doesn't drink coffee like that. it doesnt do anything for him
but he likes sweet things, so he asks belphie to put flavored creamer or sweetened almond milk and a lot of sugar in it whenever he does drink some
he started drinking it to get closer to luci and mams, but he never made a habit out of it like the two of them
asked asmo if he could learn how to make it so that mammon wouldn't run out during the day and is actually really good at it
belphie
do NOT give him coffee
he hates it
it's nasty and it makes him jittery
he'll make it, and he's almost as good as asmo, but he won't drink it. absolutely not
diavolo
never really got the hype until he had some of lucifer's
only drinks his coffee that way now
he still prefers tea, but a little caffeine every now and then won't hurt
he tried black coffee and hated it. you know he loves his sweets
barbatos
drinks it on occasion but will lie if you ask him about it
he's THE tea demon, yk? can't let the title be for nothing
if he makes some for diavolo, he'll drink it however dia likes it
if he's just making it for himself, he likes it with a little sugar and no creamer
simeon
spiked (sometimes, when he's not writing) and black
mainly because he doesn't want luke to drink any and thinks this is the best course of action
also because it keeps him awake
(he's like lucifer, coffee doesn't do anything for him anymore. it's a habit atp)
solomon
spiked and sweet
he's too old and too tired
but it's only ever spiked with top shelf, aged, hard shit bc he's extra
tried it black and spiked and hated it
luke
please don't give the baby coffee
11 year olds don't need coffee
he kept asking to try it, so mammon gave him some of his (much to simeon's disdain) and he quite literally almost died
he'll never touch it again bc why is it so BITTER
he won't admit to it but he cried
mammon has proof - videos and pictures
mephisto
tried it once and threw it away
likes his black like mammon, but way less espresso
only likes iced americanos
also likes them extremely watered down ??? idk man he's weird
raphael
another tea drinker but he likes his caffeinated
can't stand the taste of coffee, he doesn't know how simeon drinks it so often
tried some of simeon's - before he started spiking it, mind you - and threw it away bc he thought it was disgusting
simeon did not in fact cry (yes he did)
thirteen
it depends on the day, but she's a mocha girlie 99% of the time
when just wants coffee or she's having a really bad day, she gets her usual
if it's a really good day, she gets something different
iced or hot, she doesn't care
a very specific order and only gets hers from a very specific mom and pop shop in a run-down area of the otherworld
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qprsmackdown · 8 months
Text
c!Emerald duo propaganda:
Let me tell you. We've got two guys. They live together. They live miles away from everyone else but they live in a little cabin in the snow together. They would die for each other. One HAS died for the other. One is in a monogamous relationship with the personification of death and the other is one of the most widely headcanoned aroace characters and it in no way ever devalues what is considered as one of the most unshakable relationships in the story
"For you the world" — Technoblade to Philza. They are so loyal to each other, legit the healthiest and strongest relationship in the fandom
"For you, the world, Phil." -Technoblade "Sometimes one friend is all you need." -Technoblade “I’m following Techno to the gates of hell... and if he wants to take over the world, god dammit I’m gonna help this man.” - Philza “I followed him to the ends of the earth, through fire and flames.“ - Philza (about Technoblade)
They live together. They kill together. They're raising a polar bear and a very anxious enderman hybrid. They committed so many war crimes and looked good doing it<3 "For you, the world" quote my beloved. Anarchism swag😎
Silly guys of all time! They took over the entire world together once <3 (pre-dsmp but still canon to dsmp) they blew up a country together <3 gotta love 2 guys who commit Literal Actual warcrimes. Also the way they trust eachother just unconditionally is just soo ouuuugggghghhhh i love them. iirc I remember a part where techno was basically just talking about how he'll basically never trust anyone again. TO Phil. Who was very obviously an unspoken exception to the "never trusting anyone" thing. It's been a while so idk if I remember it right but aaaouuuugggg their relationship was so good. Also "for you the world phil" AAAAAUUUUUUU (although the context of that line is much sillier than people usually remember but they are silly guys <3). Ooouugghhh I have so much I could talk about but it's late so I can't think of it right now but they are sooooooo important they are everything to me. This is kinda bad propaganda bc I don't know if I'm even remembering things right and am vaguely incorrect but AUGH. EMERALDDUO
Consider: the fanon immortals being very old friends thing which is a trope i will never not love, and also taking over the world with your qpp is so pogchamp of them
Two anarchist immortals who have been besties for an indeterminable amount of time, but at least for hundreds of years. Took over the Earth once just to show that they can. Back-To-Back Badasses. Each other's consciences and also enablers. Lived together in the middle of nowhere tundra biome, in connected little cottages with their bazillion pets.
THOSE BITCHES WERE LIVING IN THE ARCTIC TOGETHER IN THEIR GAY LITTLE COTTAGE WITH LIKE 100 ANIMALS!!!! They’d both often talk about how they’d kill and die for one another, they’ve been together for centuries despite Techno being all but confirmed Aroace and Philza being married to someone else!! I think they definitely had a QPR going on because like. The person you’re closest to and have lived alongside for god knows how long u gotta at least have SOMETHING going on there imo.
They are both imortal livelong best friends who have been there for each other through war and and other personal hardships They are partners in crime, both arnarchists who took down a nation together and both live in retirement together They only trust each other wholeheartedly (aka they both belive the other wont betray them) and Phil is the only person Techno feels he can be himself around (aka be soft around).
Apparently their qpr had drama in the past bc of this one fic but tbh i dont really get why These two are literally just. The best. There's absolutely no romance between them, but they're the closest of friends, and they care about each other so so much. And they deserve all the things. They live together in a house in the arctic in a commune for anarchists. Basically everyone in the Syndicate are their adopted children. 'For you, the world, Phil' -Technoblade (Just like to say this too, Techno is not Phil's son in the DSMP universe. It's been canonically confirmed.)
They’re two dudes who spend all their time together, built their houses next to each other (and connected it w a bridge), started a commune together, took over the world together, have FRIENDSHIP EMERALDS, and are genuinely such good friends (these are the characters but the irl guys were really good friends until techno died too)
Just a bird and his pig chilling as kings
"for you phil, the world" is treated like this big dramatic line as they take over smpearth but in context its bc they were arguing over something silly and techno laughed and conceded to him and like... just look at then they're ride or die besties emerald duo ftw (on a sadder note i constantly see philza wearing techno's merch on streams and videos and just... man i miss seeing them together)
immortal warriors who have promised to follow each other to the ends of the earth, through fire and flames. they are each others most trusted person without a doubt. when trying to retire from the wars that plagued the server, they both retired in an arctic tundra where they lived together.
These guys cant be seperate from each other anymore than like three days. Like, on top of also doing the antarctic empire together in earthSMP, they just moved to the arctic together to just enjoy life and retirement together. They understand each other like no other bc they've known each other forever. Also bc if we take the titles of bloodgod and angel of death literally you get something something being willing to spend eternity with the other because you care abt them. These two are fine being isolated from everybody else and chilling on their own bc thats all they need
Their relationship is defined by a connection that has lasted for centuries. Despite everything, they always go back to each other. They live together in a cabin in the arctic. They also like murdering together a little too much.
old men committed terrorism and then they settled down :)
For you Phil, the world Immortal best friends spend thousands of years together, conquer the world, found a empire. Phil has a kid with his goddess wife, Techno wind up joining the kids rebellion against the country he founded. When that goes wrong they start a commune called the Syndicate. They are so ride or die. I love them
please they live together theyre best friends theyre immortal together they love each other and phil is married to a god PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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turtledovenycx · 4 months
Note
Idk why I’m saying this here but one time I cried bc of how beautiful Chan was, it was a very humbling and universal moment for me. That’s it, thank you.
Hi anonnie 🤍
I'm happy you said it here. I'm sure many of us on Stayblr can relate to this emotion. I've had celebrity crushes the infatuation stays for a week or two, and then it fades.
But Bahng Chan... How I feel for him is a different emotion in itself. I know reality, I know he will never be mine but it still doesn't change the way I feel. I would choose him again and again in every universe in every circumstance.
Anonnie, I understand how you feel the most... I'm an emotional person and I react deeply. I've cried so many times too. I cried when I saw his face the first time he won the award. I've cried when I saw how hard Chan worked to become who he is today, I've cried during Chan's room and cried so much when it had to be shut down, and I've cried when I think about how beautiful he is inside and out. I've cried because I am so proud and happy to be able to live, breathe, and admire him. I am overwhelmed with what I feel for him but at the same time, it calms me.
How can he be this beautiful? Like how? He is so handsome. Even if he believes differently. If I could, I would cherish him every day, and give him so much affection till he believes it himself. Channie is so handsome. He is the dream of many out there, he is mine I know that. His eyes- they crinkle when he smiles, his big nose that I've grown fond of- his nose is one of his insecurity but to me, it is the cutest thing I've seen, his plush lips, his cheeks, his smile lines, his dimples, his hair, body, arms, fingers, legs, everything!! god, I love this man so much. I love his smile and laugh... I'd die
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However, Channie is more than handsome. His beauty is not limited to his physical features. I could say a million things about his features and millions more about his character and personality. Trust. The trust the team has in him, the trust the boys have in their hyung, he is their boulder you can't tell me otherwise. I picture him being there for the most mundane things without complaint. The way he cared for each one of them in the way they needed. He calms Jisung when he is anxious, and defends Changbin. Channie makes Seungmin believe that his voice is of an angel and that Minnie's smile is the best, he literally raised Jeongin. Chan is Minho's only hyung, He is Felix's best friend and Hyunjin's comfort. Us stays don't have to worry about whether the boys are taken care of. I know they are well taken care of and loved by their leader.
His soul. I have cried so much thinking about his soul. Chan has the kindest most beautiful soul I just know it. He has endured and he is wise. He is humble reminding us that to be perceived and respected you have to be down to earth. I've seen men at their best and their worst. I've experienced the worst most of my life but Chan made me believe that there were good and bad people, I was just stuck among the bad ones. He made me feel appreciated even though he was speaking generally, he made me feel valid, and he made me feel seen.
Some people can't understand that and I don't blame you, But if you have been through what I have been through, if you were in the darkness like me I think you would understand why I fell in love with a man who doesn't know me. I cry when he is sad, I cry when I'm proud of him and I cry because I love him. I hope he will learn to love himself soon.....
So love, I want you to know that when you feel the most humbling and universal moment, many are there with you. I am there with you. He truly is one of the best humans out there. I love him and I will continue to do so. He saved me, he saved a lot of us.
I kind of got carried away but I'm not really sorry. I love him, words are not enough, sentences are not enough, and pages won't be able to cover it.
_nyx.☽༊˚
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astrxealis · 2 years
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it's pretty hard to find more like minded people who like ffxiv esp as a minor & in ph ;; but i know quite a few! not any in my country bcs :") but my twin & my 2 irls i got into it <3 so like. idk but maybe i cld make a discord q-q ( oh gods warning for tags. very long ,,, )
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#there's a few reasons as to why i'm hesitant to do so though ......#and i don't even like talking /too/ much with others. so that's that too dohfidhskdjs#but i literaly know two people on twitter 17-19 and my twin who doesn't rlly count bcs we do everything together and two close friends T__T#and it's hard for some friends i know who are interested bcs either they don't have a device/console or they need space !! or too slow >_<#or. i'm not close enough w then orr we're not of the same mind yeah ?? like. my former fc mates in twin b4 i moved to oce ^^;#i tried looking thru a website and saw 1 that'd be cool but just for adults. valid T___T#& i saw another !! from twintania even :O but idk regardless TwT#man it rlly is difficult as a minor & shy & kinda socially anxious & philippines eee#BUT I DID SEE 2 Y'SHTOLAS AT THE CON. i will never forget that. no pic but i'm so happy#it's kinda hard to rely on my people in the country to get into xiv (as a minor) bcs y'all just play uhm. free games WHEEZE#💀💀💀 many other reasons that i'm iffy about but i don't want to come off that way bcs i'm not that Yeah. also wtvr ig <//3#UGHFHFJEHFJ SORRY FOR. TALKING ABT THIS. uh. i've been a bit less subtle abt it bcs it's been almost 2 years since i've played and it still#feels rather lonely ;; yeah ;;; idk it's honestly been eating me up from the inside for so long esp w not being in an fc yet in ravana ><#wahhh so yeah T___T ig the best thing wld be for my irls to play more xiv or hang more w my friends who ik r in xiv but for various reasons#that isn't. easy either :( aaaaaaaaaaaa#like. idk man but my experience in ffxiv is just. really yeah#nothing has captured me just as much as this esp bcs my interests tend to fluctuate but this has stayed w me for so long#even w the fact i played it the whole summer in '20 and i'm endgame alrdy ?? and the fact i think abt it everyday and don't even get tired#the story is INCREDIBLY good. none of what i've played can compare. not even other final fantasies. esp when it comes to shb bcs i barely#can think of criticism about it ;;; the other expansions are all beautiful (yes. all) even w their imperfections and flaws? for me it adds#to my appreciation but i like to be critical abt it regardless and all !! tbh maybe it's also just me actually being a fan of mmos but#ffxiv rlly is an rpg first and an mmo 2nd >< and the most final fantasy at it's core honestly !! and the music is incredibly top tier :O#idk man but p5 and fe3h and gbf and octopath and other games i've played ;; what makes the story good is all in xiv imo ??#altho it's kind of a cheat bcs it's an mmo WHEEZE but it rlly does feel like an rpg first and this is from someone who honestly mostly#played rpgs b4 xiv >< i cld go on and on but lehfoebfisj i do that too much and i'm rambling so much na ere aaaaaa#idk but. yeah. idk. when i think abt what makes 3H and p5 and gbf good and others. it's just also in xiv#i hope i don't come off as close minded and ignorant though T___T this is just me rn being yeah over my greatest passion !!#oh gods i accidentally deleted a tag up there and reached 30 tags GOODBYE i talk (text) so much oml
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noxtivagus · 1 year
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hdflkjasdklf i'm just thinking of certain characters n stories hehe
#🌙.rambles#no bcs why out of all gbf characters it is Belial that is on my mind lately.. 💀 he's so sus but there's smth sad abt him to me that i think#uh. makes me. feel drawn. SOMEHOW. charas in general that like i don't like them just bcs they're sad. i just Like them n later realize how#similar i am in a way n huh. maybe part of me. perhaps not really relate but i think i understand ^ him with lucilius. but. nyways#sometimes i find myself having ideas from time to time for. scenarios n stories n maybe not super concrete? even just the idea or the#emotion & sentiment of it. even if it's a mess bcs i just dump phrases n words from time to time.#i really like reading my own words. they remind me a lot of myself n resonate a lot with me.. i wrote them all after all before.#😭 ok i just got a notif bcs i have smth due in 24 hours from now.. (-> i ended up venting again but i have no more space to tag it)#there's a lot i'm stressed abt. anxious even. it's not rlly a big deal in the end n eventually the burden of my regrets will hurt less but#noooo i keep on rambling abt that i guess there's rlly just so much weighing me down in my mind But i will persevere!!!!#imagining stuff or wtvr n indulging in. idk any form of self-expression n being creative brings me so much comfort#when the break comes i'll read books i'll write stuff too i'll watch stuff i'll play video games i'll play/listen to music i'll. yeah. Live#like i want. but like success has always still meant a lot to me i'm too strict on myself w that so w school i constantly just feel trapped#even if assignments r easy n i understand all my lessons in general. i'll pass CETs certainly i'll succeed in the future i know that's who#i'll be but every single mistake just tears me apart and makes me forget who i am as a whole. i've always been 'better' in a way than your#average person i've always mostly generally done well & good but never ever quite the 'best'. so while i do love my intelligence n all as#a whole. ffs i know better but i end up being too harsh when it comes to my shortcomings. so. stuff like stories n games n yeah#those allow me to be free in a way. from my own restraints. from my own cage. so to not. be able to do that too rlly makes me forget myself#while w work n personal stuff like that i'm mostly sure of myself but when it comes to. me w ppl in this world. it's so. unpredictable?#that's just how ppl r. it's. intriguing to me definitely but. confusing. i long to belong but it's hard when most of my life i've felt..#i'm not rlly sure how to phrase it. it's in my head but yeah. so.. i'm rlly just a mess w that. i think i tend to isolate n distance myself#so easily bcs i fall far too much w the thought that. nothing much wld change? recently i'm so confused too bcs i'm aware of reality but#then i'm also just so confused n then a mess in general but i'm returning to like my old self when it comes to stories. embracing that agai#understanding myself a bit more while being distant w others but also lost for the very same reason. ITS SO CONFUSING n complex ofc.#which is. v human ig. but i'm not taking care of myself well so ffs it feels like i'm falling behind but i'm technically productive w work?#stuck between remembering. v well. i'm not too brain empty in the present too. n. i've been v keenly aware of the future#it's all going far too fast n i'm not keeping up Well Enough. the helplessness i think i wrote a while back#bcs i want to stop or i want to do smth or just change n get things done but it's not That easy. n it's been like this for so long now#i'll be fine my mind's just a mess rn n i'm just so frustrated w myself but i'm well enough. a bit empty but i'm fine.#there's a lot more to write n i could have done this in my notes but i'll stop anyways i'll work now. i'll try not to stay up Too late 🥹🫶🏼
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