#bc ik i have problems and shit and ive been working on it so like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sleepy-vix · 28 days

Text

journal/braindump 26/3/24

i hope life gets better soon. school is so miserable and weird and i just constantly feel like my physical shape is blurred and i'm but a a faceless entity drifting through the crowded and sweaty halls. when i speak to people it feels like i have to physically force myself to and i'm always so conscious of the fact that i would really love it if i were alone and not speaking to anybody at all.

i don't feel confident in myself and i feel like this year has passed by way too fast and i feel like just attempting to live feels like a bunch of cold sand is piled in my hands, and like sand does, it slips easily through my fingers and all i can do is watch. i feel so stupid and so naive all the damn time

for a while i had believed that everything would be okay, and then for a while after that i believed that i should kill myself. i'm okay now, i still feel very unsettled and it's like i'm not really me but i feel fine enough to function and i feel fine enough to live and wish to keep on living

i wish to keep on living

tomorrow i will wake up early and i will make myself coffee and i will sit down and read (i've had reading block for 2 days- which seems short but its annoying for me bc i really really want to read but i feel too restless and distracted to). i'll try to be nice to myself and protect my peace really hard and go on walks or something

i find that watching youtube videos where people just sit and talk, or rearrange their house and books, is really calming to me. i can't wait to just sit in front of the tv with a cup of matcha and a box of chocolates and just watching people talk, or watch all the movies ive been meaning to watch for sooo long

autumn is rolling around, and i'm infinitely greatful that it is because i always feel so inspired during this season. autumn makes me want to read, it makes me want to watch more films and eat more food and drink warm drinks that make me feel okay inside.

i also hope to pick up journalling again, but i'm not sure if i will because i don't have my own printer for images and idk what to journal but i have recently tried to just draw pictures- ive recently written journal pages on what i want to read, and also an "about me" page, and hand drew pictures. it's nice, but it doesn't give the same effect as full out journalling (with stickers, images, tape, etc... sigh.). i hope i journal more this holiday nonetheless.

i also hope to read without feeling so much pressure. i usually have no problem with reading whatever i want to read, as i like to think of myself as somebody who isnt easily influenced by other people's views (eg. if someone told me i have to read a certain book, i will consider it but i wont read it unless i want to) , but lately i've been thinking of all the books i want to read this holiday (for me i have autumn break in one week- and autumn break lasts for 2 weeks) and as u can imagine, it is very stressful bc ive somehow fallen into the mindset that i must read ALL of those books before next term or else.

fyi the books comprise of

- the complete collection of jane austen

- the complete collection of sherlock holmes

- the poppy war

- the iliad

- hamlet

- the metamorphosis

soo yeah... especially the first two points are stressing me out haha... im starting the poppy war now but im a little nervous bc ppl keep saying that its VERY gory??? and i usually dont care abt such things but lately my nerves and emotions have been such a wreck that i dont trust myself to read it in a calm manner

i'll try to break free of this toxic reader mindset tho! it would be nice if i could talk to people abt books, so it feels like im engaging with my hobby while not actually having to do the hobby, but nobody ik irl will want to talk abt books as i do

MAN i so badly want to rant abt booktok (ok actually i wont expand on this bc its a very sore point for me in the sense that i might get worked up over it and then feel shit afterwards for displaying sm emotion)

anywaysss next topic

ummm i get my maths result back on thursday and im so fucking scared bc i know i messed up bad for a few questions but im not sure if it was enough to drop me down to a b... idk i REALLY REALLY WANT AN A. like istg my whole self esteem for until the next exams roll around is goijg to be based off my maths result.. fuck im so emotionally immature its laughable

ummm also i have literature class tmr and i love lit class but we have to watch fucking "shes the man" and im sorry but i hate that movie so so much (ive never watched it before but we watched half of it last lesson and it was soo annoying). ughh why is my eng teacher making us watch this 😭😭

also my eng teacher is very blunt and therefore very interesting to talk to so ive been wanting to ask him abt books hes read lately but i CANT bc we have to watch thats tupid fucking movie and also he has to mark papers :( but also like hes the only intellectually stimulating person ik irl so what am i meant to do with all of my buzzing book thoughts ughh (rhetorical question. pls dont answer) :(

hmm what else is there to say

oh yeah last night i had a dream tjat i got a B+ for english and that was... it was like a nightmare im not even kidding. it was such a vivid dream too- everybody else got an A meanwhile i got a B+ (very close to an A) and i was just absolutely shocked and i desperately begged my teacher to give me some extra credit work so i can bump it up to an A-... yeah...

oh but also back to me wanting to have a better life- i think i'll take myself to the thrift more and go out with my friend (yes, singular. theres only one friend that i like hanging out with outside of school 💀) atleast once this holiday... thats what teen girls my age do, right??? haha...

also i want to watch ladybird and the perks of being a wallflower and rewatch little women and dead poets society !

i also might reread solitaire but aghh that makes me stressed out abt reading again... fuck. maybe i should just take a break from reading omfg

i cant wait to wake up early tomorrow and drink coffee though! :)

also i will make more spotify playlists (it makes me rlly happy to) and MAYBE even try cooking????????????? man idfk im desperate okay? feeling suicidal is not fun and i dont want to feel like that again this year. i cant afford thay bc im meant to be an academic weapon :( (lol who am i kidding? im more like an academic victim)

also maybe i will just text my friends more in general. it stresses me out and makes me feel icky but the other day, i had a nice and fun and lighthearted texting convo with one of my class friends and it made me realise that i should probably text people more ...

lol

anyways i think thats all? i think ive gotten everything off my chest for now. i liked doing this actually. maybe i'll do it more often idk 💀💀

hope u guys have a good day 🙏 i dont actually expect anyone to read this but if you did, i hope you have a good day TIMES TWO!

no refunds :}

#sleepy vix #vix's journal

23 notes · View notes

calronhunt · 3 months

Note

didnt want to be extra annoying and ask this on your art blog so ill settle for just being annoying.. was anything in wac inspired by the life series? like designs or well, anything! discovered ur stuff on youtube and went ooooh and then snooped through all the art i could find and was repeatedly reminded of the sillies that occupy my brain. sorry 2 be weird! ik its the worst question to be asked sorry but its hurting my brain wondering and not knowing

Aw shit ya caught me. I was gonna reveal this fact much later down the line bc ive been kinda open that WAC started out as an AU just not for what. Primarily the reason for secrecy is bc i don't want people to look at this story i put a lot of myself and my experience into and go "I can't believe you tricked me into reading about minecraft men" bc the story has expanded a lot past these intial inspirations.

So before i go into all the inspirations, I wanna make this perfectly clear. WAC's plot is almost completely original, baring some small scenes inspired by events in the Life series and the basic set up. It's a three act story that is mostly about me and my partners problems regarding abuse and personhood. The Life Series au was a starting point and it kinda spiraled out from that lollll.

(Also I saw your other ask and it doesn't bother me at all! Its been something ive wanted to talk about anyway simply bc i find the inspirations funny. Plus I promised myself if someone realized and asked I would talk about it. Also i just love talking about inspiration and seeing how you got from one thing to the next, maybe others would like the same.)

1. "Why are they cats?" This started as an au once again but i felt too embarrassed talking about it publicly as a mcyt au so I gave them cat designs. That's the only reason lol

Lain - Inspired primarily by 3rd life and lim life martyn in regards to both his devotion to the king (ren) and mariner (scott). Lain and Mariner originally started as Majorwood shipping cats but then became more about their unhealthy power dynamics and two people being stuck together it spiraled into what we have now! Especially since I believe Martyn killed Jimmy (Canary) in 3rd life? Or at least scott accuses him as such so that's where that came from.

Mariner - 3rd/lim life scott! His obsession with the sea, his name, his relationship to Canary, his ties to Lain, and his design is pulled from scott. That's about all that's similar now though. His personality is completely different. Hes a shitty fuckinh dude.

Canary - 3rd life Jimmy Solidarity but like fucking barely and just bc hes married to mariner (flower husbands). Took his name from the fandom calling him a canary because he always dies first and that's basically it. Also worked with the bird name theme i was starting to go with

The King - 3rd life ren but again fucking BARELY except for his relationship with Lain and being a king and trying to conquer shit. That's like. It.

Condor - he's just mr good times with scar. Hes like, the closest to his mcyt counterpart probably and im not even sorry. Took primarily from 3rd life and lim life once again though in regards to his relationship with Crane (Cleo), Warbler (bdubs), and Scout (Etho) (and also the fact the group is called the flock is a cheeky callback to the family being called the clockers)

Crane - stated above, Cleo, but only bc shes mom in the clockers family. Nothing else.

Warbler - limlife bdubs but again fucking BARELY. I think the bdubs skin is the most i drew on for her design with the fucked up eye and teeth.

Grouse - mr 3rd life grian. Dating condor because desert duo and feeling indebted to him for that as well. And just. Generally little guy vibes.

Scout - etho. Just for chill vibes. Dating Crabe because hes "dad" in lim life and dating Wolf (Joel) bc of double life halfslab.

Wolf - Primarily last life joel with the living alone in the woods thing and joel just being a like. Maniac in the life series with the murders and such. Dating scout again bc of double life. The her having canary's skull thing is just for my friend who is a big fucked up smallidarity shipper.

Sycamore, coal, and aster are original characters i made specifically for the story.

I would again like to state that the story is BARELY tied to things that happen in the life series, and its mostly my personal experiences and silly thoughts. The silly minecraft men were just the jumping off point and all of their arcs are original so there ya go <3

#ask #waves always crash

12 notes · View notes

rollercoasterwords · 1 year

Note

(this is from marxismlupinism btw just sending an anon cause still shadowbanned + dont want my r/s blog tied to my main blog anyway)

lmao if only my followers were your followers literally idk why my anons r so mad im just stating the established party line of the blog they chose to follow...

literally every online community ive been in youve been able to say you think the community has XYZ problem and people could discuss the problem and suggest solutions honestly baffling that peoples response to someone saying the hp fandom is transphobic is to go "no it's not" instead of, idk, either trying to make it less transphobic if you think it's salvageable or leaving it if you think it's unsalvageable. the only communities ik that would respond to an accusation of transphobia w denial rather than taking trans people's concerns seriously are, well, actually overtly explicitly transphobic communities lol... and the people claiming they "engage critically" are very clearly not if their response to criticism of the hp fandom is to be defensive—if you engage critically with something that means taking seriously good faith criticism of the thing you engage critically with. like i "engaged critically" w hp/rs for the past 2.5 years and i have never ever gotten defensive at someone criticising hp or its fandom (esp since like... almost all the people criticising hp or its fandom are trans and im not gonna go harass another trans person for being understandably upset at ppl engaging w transphobic media lol).

hp fans (including tme trans hp fans—and, btw, we're well aware there are some transmasculine hp fans, the rest of the trans community just think they suck and are losers lol and i can't imagine that the transmasc hp fans aren't aware of this fact unless they just dont interact w other trans people outside the hp fandom at all) will criticise hp and jkr while believing that the hp fandom itself is above criticism. this does the dual work of distancing themselves from harry potter/jkr, which even they cannot defend/pretend is not bad, while also absolving themselves of all responsibility for any transphobia & transmisogyny they perpetuate or engage in. it's honestly a deeply immature way of engaging with media as well as one that logically falls apart under any scrutiny—firstly, if you accept that hp and its author are deeply bigoted, isn't it just logical that its fanbase would share the politics of the source media? secondly, this is just empirically false lol. there didnt always used to be basically no trans women in the hp fandom—i myself used to be friends with several back in the old days—but most transfems left the fandom in 2020–2021 bc of jkr's increasing transmisogyny. and speak to any of the transfems who did leave at that time and they can tell you their firsthand experiences. like, i really dunno how you can claim the hp fandom isnt transmisogynistic without just outright saying that you think most trans women are crazy and making shit up when they say they dont want anything to do with hp or its fans.

anyway ill stop writing essays in ur inbox now rae xoxo love ya have a nice day!

hi laura <3 yeah truly i think it is so weird that someone would choose 2 follow a blog on tumblr.com which clearly states "i don't like hp/hp fandom" and then get mad when that blog makes a post saying. "i don't like hp/hp fandom." babe why r u at the criticizing hp fandom store if u don't want hp fandom criticism....

and yeah i've talked before on my blog abt how like. i do not think we can "separate" fandom from jkr + the inherent shittiness of hp + my personal stance is that i think if u are engaging with hp fandom in 2023 u should at least be prepared to acknowledge + address the fact that u are engaging w a fundamentally conservative piece of media that is rooted in horrible politics, bc if u don't fully understand how jkr's politics are steeped throughout the franchise then it is much more likely that u will just be. absorbing + perpetuating them.

i think something that gets left out of a lot of conversations abt jkr even when discussing how shitty she is within hp fandom is the fact that like. yeah she's broadly transphobic, but she is specifically transmisogynistic, and the politics + policies she endorses are most targeted + harmful towards trans women. in my personal experience thus far in hp fandom i've encountered a lot of tme trans people, and i think there can be this tendency to go "well i'm trans and i know so many trans people who have carved out a space in this fandom that is super affirming + positive for ourselves, so obviously there is no transphobia here" and like. bc of the strong emotional connection to what people view as a safe queer space it can feel like an attack or whatever when someone goes "ok but. have u considered transmisogyny." or just whenever someone is like. rude/mean/cunty in their criticism of hp--but like. tbh as tme trans people i just think it's more important to recognize that many other trans people (and especially tma trans people) have a reason for being rude/mean/cunty in their criticism of hp and even if it hurts ur feelings it's more important to actually think about where that critique is coming from then to get upset bc u feel like it wasn't phrased nicely. at the end of the day just bc a space feels safe 2 u does not mean it is going 2 feel safe 2 everyone!!

#have seen people get offended when criticism isn't worded nicely enough bc they feel like it's...idk.#ungrateful? to like. the good parts of the fandom ig.#but personally i just feel like. my community + friends in this space already know i value them.#+ honestly being critical abt hp + hp fandom is part of that lmao #if i don't care abt my community then i'm more likely 2 be like ah fuck it let it rot #but if i DO care abt my community then. i'm gonna be like hey let's listen 2 criticism + try 2 learn from it......like.#that just seems obvious 2 me #but yeah i think a lot of hp fans have the view that fandom is like. completely separate.#and well. i do not agree! so u will not find that view supported on this blog lmao #anyway. laura u are welcome 2 write essays in my inbox anytime <3 #ask #ranting and raving

24 notes · View notes

thetenamongstthesethrees · 11 months

Text

TW: REFERENCE TO SH AND RELAPSE OF SH AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Ok so ik ive been inactive for a *WHILE* and im srry for that but like i have a buncha things that happened these past 3 months that I NEED To share SOOOO....

First things first, the one im most excited abt: I DID MY FIRST PERFORMANCE!!! My school was doing little mermaid jr and I got Scuttle! I was really happy to get my first role and getting at least one solo, and Im just happy overall on how it went! I think I did really good on my first try! Only bad thing was that now im kinda going through my lil mermaid hyperfixation and have been looking up fics where Sebastian and Ariel kinda have a Father/Parental Figure-Daughter or Older Brother-Younger (stupid but ultimately well meaning) Sister dynamic and have started to write a fic on that bc no ones done it before apparently😒(im going cray cray, bonkers mayhaps)

Might've gotten my eye infected(I live in the east of the us, new york to be more specific and woke up the day after the "live vintage (BLAME CANADA/j) filter" with my right eyes nerves slightly more irritated and haven't gotten that checked out so thats fun)

FINALLY finished that one drawing ive been making for 3 MONTHS.(well, technically....)

Almost done writing my passion project, AKA the one I originally wanted to make into an animated series but have settled for a book just in case that can't happen! I still need to work out some kinks, design more outfits, get all their personalities in check, make sure the world and magic is fully fleshed out, ect.

I also do band, and while I originally thought that I would have a problem bc of both band and theatres close scheduling(i originally had dress rehearsal on june 2nd, AND my band concert on June 2nd) but it all worked out in the end! My band concert went great, and while the dress rehearsal was a mess, we at least got through it! :)

Unintentionally quit SH! I was originally only meant to stop until AFTER performances, but ive been bettering myself and learned that if I ever want to forgive myself or at least move on I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself and not forget nor forgive, but remember, i just can't let it haunt me. I know I'll relapse, I always do eventually, but I want to enjoy these few moments of mental "clarity" while I can. I've also learned that for some reason i tend to become a more terrible person and despicable person the more time I spend at home with my mother, so that's fun. God, I hate America's education system, its messed me up BAD. AND the foster care system. I just tried to kms 2 times today, and she didn't even notice, or care. How sad is that?

On a lighter note, yes, as the rest of yt and TikTok, I got a minor lil hyperfixation on the Lorax and really think ppl should make more [PLATONIC] Lorax and Onceler dynamics, mainly the type where they're like some really annoying pair of bickering siblings or a father whos sick of his adopted child's shit, like there is so much on the table for platonic fluff and angst and most of what I've seen is romantic smut and fluff like CHANGE IT UP A LIL

Also, Ive been going to karaoke centers on Tuesdays and have become a lot more confident to performing in front of ppl! So far, I've performed "All You Wanna Do", "The Ballad of Jane Doe", "Heart of Stone", and am gonna do "What the World Needs" the next upcoming Tuesday, where I'm gonna try interacting with the audience while singing!!

(Also, before I end this....I may have ADHD??? my teacher who has ADHD says some of my behavior is "similar to hers"(i feel like thats just her way of saying i reek of neurodivergency) and I also did some research and I display similar/exact behaviors listed, have taken online tests from doctorate confirmed sites and basically all of them said to go get a diagnosis. I also found I do a few behaviors similar to stimming! Also also, I kinda suspect a lil more bc my mom has Autism and apparently sometimes neurodivergency is biological (i forgor the word) but my mom is kinda in denial abt my Depression diagnosis and thinks I got anxiety "biologically", so if I tell her I wanna get tested for ADHD shes just kinda gonna gaslight me into not believing that and i already told the school therapist and basically she just told me that I'm probably just imagining things or copying behaviors from my mother and that "kids like to give themselves all these titles nowadays" so I just did what I always do which is to keep it shut and act until they think you fell in line)

So yeah, thats all! Thanks for reading, now that my schedule is clear again ima start posting more frequently again, so be aware :) <3333

12 notes · View notes

gvmdisease · 3 months

Text

rant about my mom its fine its wtv

I spent the past two days working on thispainting which i dropped face down onto another peice of art today and like i fucked it up and am just going to re do it but my mom comes into my room notices the fact that i painted PAINTED a fucking cigarette and yelled at me i have peices of art that no ones ever seen bc ik shit like that would happen because yk other ppl painting shit like dicks is fucking fine but if i paint about sh or problems ppl face everyday my mom would fucking flip she noticed the painting i did about gender dysphoria and was all "why are you drawing sad ppl" so im having like a mid life crisis (not mid life im actaully gonna make it past my like 30s or wtv) bc if my mom doesnt like the gender dysphroia one which doest portray any sort of sh what if she finds the paintings that show really bad sh like this is so silly cant wait until im out of this house and able to make art about wtv tf i want and not have to worry about being yelled at especially because ive been dealing with dark shit mentally since i was a fucking kid lots of unresolved trauma and the only way im able to get past those things is art so i make a lot of pretty good shit but can do anything with them and have to hide them all the fucking time like art is meant to be something to help me whcih my mom knows but i portray something not happy and she fucking hates it like im fucking sorry I make art about my fucking trauma a lot of which i ended up with from being in this fucking house and go non verbal when trying to talk about it so i paint shit like that like what do you expect while im out of the house to paint sunshine and rainbows no i paint about shit ppl struggle with so forgive me if my refrence had a fucking cigarret and was the only decent one i could find were living and laughing defineatly not loving today was a pretty shit day anyway so this was such a great way to end my day anyway im fine dw but ahhhh this shit is icky

#art #i fucking love making the art i do but wtf why do you have to do that #tw sh implied #tw sh mention

2 notes · View notes

upsidedowngrass · 10 months

Note

reading your and jaspers posts about bryce with silent admiration because im too scared to contribute but i really love bryce so much hes my girlfriend and my husband and i like hearing u guys talk about him because youre Right. especially as someone who struggled from grief and trauma and being abused i think bryce's case interests me more than any of the other characters (even though liam is my favorite, and it says a lot because i find all of them interesting) because there is so much to him. i doubt he has processed a single thing about what happened. i think stellas death was recent too honestly, within the last few years at least, and he copes by... not coping. burying himself in work and drinking in the hopes to forget about it. not even to mention the fact that in episode 7 it showed him driving home drunk personally i feel he was past the point of caring to the point of engaging in risky/dangerous behaviors (this speaks for itself, i dont think i need to say why). i think that the plane impacted him so much that within those 7 months after leaving he got his shit together. i cant speak for if hes totally sober or not but at the very least he doesn't drink as much as he used to and i doubt he's putting himself in danger anymore. to be honest i think bryce is one of the characters who has changed the most because of the plane, which makes him being rejoined all the more interesting to me. im probably just making shit up but i like to read into it a little more than "bryce and liam were getting along but now theyre separated and liam has to fix it oh no". sorry this ask is kind of word vomit im not in the headspace to tidy it up but i hope you get what i mean

i think if one had continued for longer than it did it would have been interesting to explore bryce finally accepting and coming to terms with his past (him not seeing his childhood home in the wr anymore kind of representing this). i love bryce and he deserves to heal

TY!!!!!!! im glad my thoughts warrant admiration to you :D!!!!!!!!!!! (i will say tho that every time uve ever posted YOURE thoughts i am like ohhhhh.... ur SO RIGHT. i think u have some of the BEST interpretations of the one characters ive seen!!!!!)

(talked SOOO so much .so there is a readmore :) )

brcye really IS such an interesting character???? ik ive said it before but i AM biased towards protagonists so i usually focus on liam but like ...... bryce really IS probably one of the more. indepth ? characters in one in terms of like. background and how he Acts. i think ALL of teh characters are written really incredibly but i think, given how much of his bg is clarified (esp in contrast with how little is shown of the other characters lives pre-one) his motives, personality, emotions all end up being SUPER super elaborate and i REALLY love how he was written ??

(that said i think the reason he IS elaborated on sm is bc like. one doesnt elaborate on character backgrounds like MOST of the time. even charlotte is mostly left up to interpretation, bc one is more about the HOW people respond rather than WHAT made them respond that way. but charlotte and bryce are both outliers, and bryce ESPECIALLY so. because both obviously have Things they havent worked through properly, but bryce is directly just. Living in it. its the fact that he WONT acknowledge the actual Things that hapepned enough to heal that warrants the elaboration. while the other characters stop acknowledging ANYTHING about their lives , save for charlotte, who gradually works out her issues themselves, because THATS whats effecting her, bryce is CONSTANTLY just. he Needs to go back, but his problems ARE about what happened, and the fact that his life outside of the plane was what MATTERED to him, but that even then, he just Wouldnt acknowledge that life when he Needed to. idk if that makes sense but ohhh i think about the decision to elaborate on some characters and to not on others bc it feels Important)

hes so. he mirrors all of the contestants in some ways, but he mirrors amelia a LOT in that both of them respond to trauma by Setting It Aside. like That Trauma Cant Affect Me If I Dont Look At It. like. ur right bryce has NOT processed ANY of his trauma. which like it makes SENSE bc. it prob feels so much easier to him to not think about it by drinking instead, because its a Lot to think about. its a Lot to come to terms with. but bc he WONT acknowledge it but its still AFFECTING him he just gets More and More miserable (the detail about him driving home drunk and not even caring is so. :( )

what IS one of the most. compelling? aspects of his character to me is the way he responded to Everything after getting eliminated. bc it just feels So Real. because he IS healing, not completely, and not in the best way, but he clearly like. started putting SO much work into improving his life??? (the detail of him finally getting an end table for his bed instead of just... using a cardboard box ALWAYS gets to me. and that + the fact that the photo of stella is put up makes it seem like. THATS what was in that box. he LITERALLY started Unpacking thigns. its like poetry to me.) because it IS hard, and i think hes still putting things to the side, shoving the trauma from the plane to the side now instead of all his other grief and trauma. and the removal of the cans from his room yknow?? that hes getting up for work on time now?? its like. yeah i agree idk if hes necessarily SOBER yet but he really does seem like hes working really hard

its not perfect, but its BETTER and it feels. correct?? (and tbh? trying to brush off the plane as a dream isnt even teh worst thing he couldve done with that, i think, bc reasonably what WAS he supposed to do w that experience?? i dont think there WAS a good answer) bc the plane was a whole new kind of trauma. and i think surface level, one would THINK hed get WORSE after further trauma but like. i think he DID in some ways but in the ways that actually affected how he acknowledged and responded to his pre-existing trauma DID get better bc, as he puts it, hed Thrown his life away before, and didnt want to do it again. bc this time, he very well couldve died. and while he was on the plane, being home, on earth was SO much better than the plane, and it recontextualized Everything. hell, maybe after that, the earth finally felt Less daunting, like somewhere he Wanted to be, because for once, he WANTED to be back, and rationalizing That and the fact that he got Lucky, that something Worse couldve just full on Killed Him Forever really DID mean he didnt WANT the worse to come, at least not as much as before. but that meant he HAD to start actually Working on improving things, and i think he may not have Intended to acknowledge Worse things, but simply because the things he had to do to improve his life, like drinking less, making his house more Livable, they all Forced him to think about things More. hes still certainly not thinking about them as much as he Should, hes still not Processing things, but hes Heading in the right direction . he really was SO changed by ONE

and then liam showing up forces him, once again, to think about something he tried to push to the side. aaaaaaaandd then he rejoins and its so. it feels thematically fitting and IS so so SO interessting. because for once in his life hes REALLY facing his trauma head on. but then is brought straight back into it. and i need to think about that aspect more bc those thoughts are a bit less Focused than my other thoughts but given how complex his writing is after he gets OUT, its. SO interesting to think about how being BACK affects him

esp bc like. him starting ep 18 Pissed Off- which historically his responses to trauma are to either just Be Shocked, as depicted a LOT in ep 14, or to get Very Vocally pissed, as shown through the first half of s1, esp ep 6, and ep 11, and ep 13, and ep 18. ive seen it written as 'he doesnt have anywhere to direct the sheer amnt of STRESS and fear so he just. ends up yelling at people bc what else CAN he do' and i think thats?? probably fairly accurate. i dont think hes as Constantly Irritable and Irrationally Angry as fanon presents him , bc it tends to be. excessive. but he DOES get reasonably angry in response to stress !!! i always think abt how his body language in the 'credits' scene of ep 6 look like hes yelling at airy. and im. lays on the ground. i dont even know if thats ever as much 'just anger' as it is Fear and it FUCKS ME UP

but the way i see it, that ties to ep 18 a LOT. because he was really Getting better. hell, what he thought was the WORST that could happen HAPPENED (dying) but he. came out OKAY? its like he was being forced to think about and work through his trauma and he survived and was ok. but being sent back is like. 'oh god i did that all for nothing.' but i think it also sort of?? serves as the Last Push for him to really, REALLY acknowledge the plane (which is why it makes sense so thematically for him to be the rejoiner. he WAS the only contestant whod Chosen to ignore it all. but that has nothing to do with the plane, he cant choose if the plane ignores Him.) past talking about its affects, how its affected people. because after everything hed worked toward, hes Back. hes back, and everyone else is STILL HERE. liam had said they were all still There but seeing them there is a whole other thing. hed SEEN the effects of making it out after 7 months. but he never saw what it was like to still BE there after all that time. and bryce CARES about them (fanon sometimes treats him as if he is a bit. coldhearted? but i think people misattribute him being unhappy with liam as him not caring. i think the problem is that he maybe cares too much, and was affected a LOT, but didnt and doesnt know how to handle that. so he WANTS to ignore it, because it was all he could do, and haaving to backtrack on his haphazard healing from the plane is. highly daunting and uncommfortable and terrifying. thats not being cold though, thats VERY different) and now he HAS to acknowledge Everything, has to be a part of it Again. and i think its a combination of 'liam was here for 7 months after we all thought itd only be a few weeks. Anything could happen. who knows how long ill be here for?' and 'liam didnt have anything when he came back. will I have anything when i come back?? will i have worked so, so hard to heal and fix my life for Nothing?' and 'i dont WANT to be here again.' and 'oh my god all of them Really Really Are Here. Theyve been here the whole time.' and i think all that culminates in an appropriate amount of horror, and that prompts him to do what hes STARTED doing, which was All He Can. and hes pissed off cus hes terrified, so he spurs everyone into pulling out the plug. and then. it doesnt work. it doesnt work and thats the LAST of what he had, and i think iirc hes the LAST one to close his eyes afterwards. because hed BEEN off the plane, hes the one of them who had any hope to give them anymore. and it didnt work

(i also think a lot about how it mustve felt seeing the contestants all so. resigned. because bryce was like that before all this, but ever since one began he was stubborn, and didnt WANT to give up. and i think finding out that these people youd seen try so, so hard just to Handle Any Of This be SO resigned would be. so fucked up. he knew amelia when she was so determined to leave, and while charlotte seems a bit saddened by her resignation, bryce was there BEFORE that happened. he wasnt there like liam or charlotte was to see it gradually develop, and to develop that despair alongside them. all hes seen is that amelia was so determined. and that he may not have known her THAT well before, he knows shes different. he knows she Gave Up and like. GOD. and also i think abt how he mustve Felt seeing the plug for the first time because ehs the only one of them who hadnt seen it before (given its likely all the other characters had, since they casually refer to it). and given the short time frame between him getting there, and the contestants trying to pull the plug? it almost seems that that was like. the last straw. and ive never posted it but i once drew stuff abt it bc. the damage to it is noticable. and i think hes already aware liam was fucked up, but this is like. a tangible, permanent record of that on the plane. and he cares about liam, and has been grappling with all the things liams told him, but thats. thats something he can See. And i think it all of it culminates in him deciding that what hes been avoiding is doing Soemthing about all this, because before he couldnt, and then it was. an awful idea to, and then he didnt have many choices BUT to help. but now theres hardly anything to do, but he has to try. he doesnt want to give up. and it makes me soooooooooooooooooo. head in hands.)

anyway that was a LONG tangent the point is. YEAH. i think rejoining would be. very very significant for his character i dont think youre making shit up its DEFINENTLY a topic w a lot of things to discuss about it

but god. yeah it wouldve been SO nice to see him come to terms with everything hed been through before one. i think the show purposefully included what it did and ended when it did because it makes more sense thematically for it to go unresolved, because the point was that NOTHING was able to be resolved nicely because unfortunately, many things are Out Of Their Control. things COULDVE resolved almost perfect but enough things went wrong at just the right (or more fitting, wrong) time for all of that to not work. i think him no longer seeing the suburbs may have signalled more that maybe, just maybe, he could Do something to help the other contestants even if HE was Dead, that now he finally HAS a goal, if that makes sense (though i think even in the timeline of the series it still wouldve taken way longer for him to process everything Fully, they WERE only in the waiting room for probably about a day) but the idea of finally seeing the waiting room as it is bc hed finally worked through everything .... man.............. man

ik ive already said it though but i DO think it is sooooo so possible for him to heal post canon. im a firm believer that no matter what, at LEAST bryce and ameliaa get home (liam and charlotte have more room for error but i DO generally interpret the ending as them both getting home too, theres just less room for things to go wrong w amelia and bryce). and i think after everything? hed be able to heal. it would SUCK but i think hes, shockingly, in a better place Logistically for things to improve, because he has a support system, he has what hed already worked on in those 7 months, he has so much to aim for. it would be rough and take long but i think ultimately? hed be able to heal :) and its what he deserves

#ask #got SO rambly in this answer . this ask made me think SO MUCH #man tho. the theme of people responding to Trauma in one is legitimately so.#it feels so significant and i think it was done SO well #like. fun fact but ep 6 was what REALLY sold me on the show when i first watched it #which SOUNDS morbid but it was the post credits scene that Got me #because it jsut. sounded so much like how trauma is discussed irl. when liam like #says 'i was riding home on my bike when it happened' i remember i was so. Ohhh My God #bc i was. oh this show is just. having characters naturally respond to and discuss trauma #like it wasnt just an element of the series anymore it clicked that the show was developing a literary THEME and it made me sooooo emotiona #like it esp hit hard bc . discussing trauma is a LOT and seeing them Talk Abt It like that hit me so hard.#and to this day that scene is just so. emotionally impactful #AND sidenote its so. at that pt in the series nothing has been Revealed abt bryces life before one #but the fact that hed Been Through Shit Before makes the scene feel so important.#because bryce has been through a LOT of trauma already. and bc of that? of course hes the one talking to liam. because he *gets it.*#of course he talks about it so naturally. he may not have really worked through anything but he KNOWS this #and whether or not liams been through stuff before doesnt matter here. because this isnt something he knows how to live through #but bryce has experience with living through things. hes the only one able and willing to talk eith liam through it because he Gets it #and it makes me so. AUUUGHGG #alcohol #ask to tag #(also as silly as it is liam abruptly cutting the convo off to talk abt the grass is like. yeah. yeah #emotional convos with friends abt trauma can very often end abruptly for completely unrelated reasons #at least in my exp #which is prob bc eventually theres nothing TO say bc the topic sorta. speaks for itself?? and that feels like what happened in their convo #though i think liam prob ALSO mentions it bc. id imagine its unnerving to notice . like this place would just FEEL so abnormal #and it was prob on his mind bc the two of them were already talking abt fucked up things about the plane #and its a small detail but. a detail about the plane nonetheless)

11 notes · View notes

louiscarrotsxoxo · 9 months

Text

vent

not to be all sad and shit bc i hate posting sad shit but vent

sometimes i just hate being me idk, like last night my gran DIDNT tell me to wash the dishes and i wasnt feeling well like my mental health at the time was so shit so i was gonna go easy on myself and not wash them

and she hasnt been telling me to wash them lately bc ive just been doing it bc one, shes toxic and manipulative and she'll make me feel like shit

and thats what she did.

and i just feel this inconsolable guilt when i dont do something im supposed to but i cannot get myself to do it bc im just so TIRED why cant i go easy on myself why cant i just she just wash the dishes sometimes

and all night i didnt even sleep well bc i didnt wash the dishes and i saw her in bed this morning and she usually wakes up at the crack ass of dawn to drink her coffee and listen to church music and la la la and she didnt she was in the bed watching tv and she ALWAYS gets up so if she doesnt get up ik shes mad/i messed up

and im not even half awake and she goes "i see you didnt wash the dishes last night" and shes in the bed and she looks so depressed and im like GIRLLL i was so tired and i just feel like this bawl of anxiety bc i didnt wash them and i went to make myself breakfast, before i did that i obviously washed them bc i felt so inconsolably guilty for not washing them one time

even after washing them shes still mad at me and she went on a whole rant abt how im so lazy and shit when literally my mental health has been so fucking bad

and plus WHY CANT SHE WASH THE DISHES? ik shes like almost 80 and she uses this respect ur elders shit on me so i end up having 2 wash them i KNOW i should wash them for whatever reason it is bc im lazy and im horrible and im a trash person bc i literally BREATHE

and she makes dinner and i wash them thats the invisible 'deal' except the deal only works in HER BENIFIT hence manipulation, when i cook she also expects me to wash the dishes

like when i cook for myself i obv wash them bc I DIRTED THEM I WASH THEM

and she acts like bc i ate the food i have to wash them, by that logic you ate it too so like?

im just so ugh bro im so ugh shes been making me feel like shit all fucking morning bc of it and ive cried like 3 times bc i just wanted to rest bc i cant fucking vent to anyone bc ive been feeling like no one fucking cares abt me and i dont deserve to be amongst other humans bc im always the problem im always causing drama im always the horrible one im always playing victim ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

and plus ive been dealing w this weird thing recently where like my mom shes like not here anymore but i look exactly like her we could be twins okok and my whole family loved and adored her and when she died they were obviously sad bc from what i heard she was a great person and im obv not against that and when she had a daughter they acted like all of their problems were solved HEY WE GET A SECOND ONE OF HER

when they discoverd i look walk talk act like her we have the same intrests

im literally her in a diff font

she was gay, i am also gay

she loved boybands, i love 1d

she wanted to be a nurse, i wanna be a labor and delivery nurse practitioner

she was kind and giving, i am also that

not to mention we basically look the same like i said before, i have a class for career prep bc i wanna be in the medical field and my mom used to work at a hospital and the scrubs we wore, were the same color... as the ones she used to wear

and since then anytime anyone in my family sees me they pull up that picture and laugh and laugh of how i look just like her

and i always get the feeling they dont love me (well obv bc they treat me like shit) but also i feel like they dont love ME for ME just her bc i look like her and im her daughter

and my crazy ass gran has said so she even calls me by my mothers name sometimes not MY NAME its like im not even a person i dont even have my own personality i just STOLE IT FROM HER

its like im a reincarnation of her and i cant help i like all the same things as her bc ig that just happend but sometimes i feel like i dont even have my own identity anymore no one even loves me for me im just sme hollow representation of what they loved before no one in my family actually loves me even if i didnt look like her

they'd cast me aside and call me crazy and weird if we didnt have similar lives they'd treat me like shit more than they already do if i didnt look like her, feels like the only purpose of them treating me with 1% respect is bc i have the face of someone they loved

but then i ask myself, why cant my face be a representation of someone you love? in a weird way... why cant when you look at me you think jamila, not lena

why?

because they dont like me, forever questioning why since i was like 8 my close family just finds me so disgusting and repulsive bc i dont conform to their thinking i dont conform to the typical 'woman' in my family

im not obedient and small, i dont put up with shit i dont deserve, i like diffrent things im still a fucking kid, im sensative to violence and i dont like watchin war movies where ppls arms get chopped off i dont like watching m*rder documentaries i dont like 'facing the facts' of the world and finding it entertaining

i rreally dont

i like princesses and fairys and barbie and winx and one direction and teenage mutant ninja turtles and adventure time and fantasy and glitter and pink and being called babygirl and princess im soft and i dont like those things

AND THEY HATE IT.

I DONT KNOW WHY and i hate that i get hated on bc i dont conform to this invisble checklist of what a woman is by my families standards

by my families standards a woman is obdedient and small and never questions anything shes submissive to her hUsbAnD and shuts up when he/her elders tell her to and do anything to please anyone else in the family bc shes 'well behaved'

and when she has kids, they better not act 'fast' have a personality, act like kids, they better be obdedient little monsters who sit and play quietly while the adults are tAlKiNg

who are EXCLUDED from ever being loved respected or accepted if they act any different

and i hate it.

ty for listening 2 my rant

im sorry it was so long

#vent #rant #jamila rambles #<- starting a tag ig #mooboo has a boo boo #sadness #not 1d?#me being annoying lmfao

5 notes · View notes

salt-volk · 2 years

Text

am i like... the only one who doesn't think any of this is all that bad?

dv has always been slow making improvements, but it seems especially since hiring artist team we've gotten lots more updates, and some reasonable progress has been made. they're also making slightly better effort to communicate. trying to listen and implement things here & there (midmonth updates as a thing).

is it perfect? absolutely not. could they be doing better and making more progress faster? definitely. are there some major fumbling points that raise community tensions to a boil (like customs)? yeah, of course. but idk..

no shade on anyone, your feelings are valid. but sometimes it all seems so "dramatic" (not rlly the right word, but you get the intention). like instead of monitoring improvements checking in occasionally just kinda waiting it out, it has to be a catastrophized thing like "ahh dv is ending!!! i'm leaving dv!!! fuck everything and fuck the staff!!!"

and ik that dv isn't beta anymore so most ppl have the attitude of "all of this should have been fixed forever ago! i can't believe we still having this problem! things need to change NOW!!". but... idk nothing in dv to me is so pressing that i feel absolutely enraged over it or like i need to delete my account or boycott or something.

i feel kinda like a passenger just along for the ride, curious to see what happens next. i'm absolutely critical, and give input in improvement threads when it feels necessary. def a lot needs to change. i understand the urging staff to look at certain issues. but i also just feel mostly neutral passivity.

maybe its just social media. ppl being in their feelings or using certain language to make a point. but i don't think i've ever felt as strongly abt anything on dv as half of the ppl here do. if i found out anji was actively currently donating $ to an organization that funded conversion therapy or something like that, THEN i'd be like "okay i'm leaving dv i'm never spending money here again" and all of that. but just simple stuff like "updates are too slow" "the custom system is fucked up" "staff communication is bad"... to me, these are all things that can probly improve with time and better site resources. that i can easily stand to just curiously wait around for.

i don't feel like i lose anything by staying, or that i'd gain anything by leaving. i'm very invested in the concept of dv and want it to do well, but maybe i'm invested in a v detached way or something. i just can't bring myself to be outrage level mad abt this stuff bc it's all just pixels and shit at the end of the day. most of the "major dv scandals" just remind me of similar issues with other games ive been on early in their start, or working on weirdly managed creative group projects in college, or other things. nothing so far has been unbearably bad to me, or even close to it. i've seen it all before. or if i haven't i get where it comes from.

and idk even after all the bullshit with them, i guess i still kinda trust staff to improve? maybe i give the benefit of the doubt too often. i just feel like none of it is intentional. i think they don't have proper funding or management skills, and they're not used to running a website like this. it's all just growing pains that they have to sort out and learn from. and there's evidence that certain aspects are still steadily improving over time. will they improve fast enough before every other person except me leaves dv out of frustration or whatever? idk, i hope so. but i don't lose anything by just hanging around to see. at the least its an interesting experience and a study in online communities. at the best, the site genuinely does fix it's issues and i'll be glad i hung around.

just sometimes reading stuff on here... i start to feel like i'm the only one who's kinda chilling in the back while everyone else is predicting dv's downfall, getting into rlly heated arguments, writing manifestos abt why they're going to leave or whatever lol.. it's good to see ppl so passionate abt something but that also makes it a strange and tense environment. it can feel surreal to be surrounded by it all. ykwim?

#Mod yoshi #anonymous

6 notes · View notes

spicypopcornfromhell · 3 months

Text

Oh look a vent post

Tw for suicide, suicide attempts self harm abusive household, cynicism, depressive behaviour and more, dysphoria being the new addition.

If you press read more and i ruined your day its on you, you have been fucking warned

Ik i shouldn't but i have nowhere else to throw these thoughts and unfortunately ill put it here

Final fucking warning if you struggle with depression or anything above DONT FUCKING INTERACT WITH THIS.

Dont. Its for your own saftey

I dont know how much longer i can keep up the façade between the memes and the horny posts, the only thing that gives me any reason to live is a future i might never have. A future ruined by greedy old men in suits.

Im trans now but everytime i turn off my phone i see the same old cis dude with stubble bc shaving is getting tedious. I keep doing this why? Why do i do this ehy cant i just FEEL like a women i know im trans but everytime i look in a fucking mirror i feel shit. I sometimes wish the pills worked, i took too little.

Fucking im 18 and yet i get treated like a child in real life. The bad way aswell. Peaple irl tell me i talk too much and i should just shut up. Idk even know if im autistic "enough"to get treatment. Ik for a fact i have adhd but online tests are telling me fuckoll. Tho multiple peaple irl tell me im def adhd, i have so so so much symptoms of autism. I blend in with some autistic peaple but i feel fake. I dont feel like me anymore im just some fucked up husk smiling at peaple bc i cant fucking reveal to peaple how i feel irl. The internet is my safe blanket. No one knows me here. I can be WHAT i want to be but when i close this phone and I look in the mirror im just dude. Short hair testosterone chubby cant pick up shit. Im too fucked to be a women or a man. I can be neather. Mabye if i die i dont have to feel like anything but im too scared to try. Ive been trying to get better and im clean since the 18 of dec 2023. I hate myself. I wish i was some cis women instead. But life wants to watch me longingly stare at models online, wishing i could be them.

Having a cis person assume bc i talk to women i wanna fuxk her is so so fuxked up im so tired of it. Having a dad who loves me yet fucks me around emotionally tell me "I MUST HAVE KIDS" like i dont work with kids i just cant it pisses me off indont lilke kids.

5 fuxkinng weaks im botteling this up 5 fucking weaks i cant look in a mirror. Those nudes, were the closest i get to be a women, not even hrt is gonna save me at this point.

Rubbing salt into my scars and jerking off is the few hits of dopamine that still works. And some friends but noone irl reallly cares abt me, im the disposable vape in human form. One hit of dopamine and contentment is suddenly a joke. 6 peaple make the mistake of sticking with me. Alot of peaple online too. They and a few peaple are the only tether i have rn.

The housing markets gone to hell and i dont have MARKETABLE skills i can voice act sure but ai will fuck me over there. I can be annoying. Ads do my job better. I cannot draw art and i get like just above fail for everything. I cant do sports i cant motivate myself bc some teacher thinks traumatised children can learn, well fuck you mister S yelling at a kid who had writing issues isnt the way to teaxh i child. I fuxkign ger nauseous everytime i see complcated math equations. Its better now but like 7 years later. So any "self proclamed business" work wont save me

My current ccountry has a 55% unemployment rate and im going to a conservative town in canada. Tho i hope things are better there i so so hope mabye a new country might kinda help

Goinng back to my inescapable family problems im essentially the fucking mule. I poar drinks and i wash the dishes and most of the family's clothes. I bring the cigarettes and i (often) mow the lawn. I have to do the "manly" tasks bc wowie i have a dick and corse voice. I bairly get thanked aswell. Only thanks i got was being the emotional punching bag. Yk why else have a sun. Bc who else do you take the anger out on. Fucking get told i do good work the one day then i get belittled the next. The fuck am i supposed to feel anymore.

I want to relive a different childhood, i want to be a kid again, but with a fresh start. But i cant. God knows how i deel with all this. But i have friends that would be sad to see me go. But im a burden and a cancer and the only way to get rid of cancer is to cut it off tho i wont do that rn. I cant. I just cant. Want to but i cant.

Ill add latwr or nah idk. But i dont know

Sorry if you read this

1 note · View note

madisonrooney · 1 year

Text

been getting more and more emotionally and socially drained by work. ik people on here joke a lot about like “i hate being perceived and seen and known” and all that but i honestly have felt that way a lot of my life, and when you work in retail, youre constantly in view and being watched yknow?

sure i went to school for a big chunk of my life but at least in college when the mental illness really started fleshing out, i could just hide in the back of the class on my computer and an entire semester would go by without my classmates learning pretty much anything about me. now its not only customers but coworkers, youll say some embarrassing shit, which isnt uncommon when youre there as many hours as you are since you start to get rambly, and you cant just shrug it off bc guess what youll see them again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

ive already had to leave early bc of panic attacks on two different occasions. ive already cried while out on the floor. ive already cried in front of multiple leads and managers. and again, you have to face them again and god its humiliating.

i just constantly find myself needing time in complete isolation and silence to recuperate, but not having much of it. typically, i only have 2-3 hours after i get home to do anything before i go to bed, and it usually takes me that much time just to catch up on my social media. even if i forgo that for a night, with my attention span, i still cant get much of anything done.

plus im typically busy on any and all of my days off

i just. would really love to have like a week where i just do not have to be seen by a single other person, or at least my public outings can be anonymous like shopping or something. i feel my best on days like that. during quarantine, i honestly had no problem not seeing anyone else besides my parents for more than a year. if anything, i got sick of my parents lol. id spend months on end on my own and dont remember having much of a problem at all with it. sure, id want to remotely hang out with friends, but that would feel more comfortable bc i didnt necesarilly have to be on camera and i could end it whenever i wanted to. i remember going 13 days without setting foot out of my front door and i honestly loved it.

anyway im getting off topic. going back to the matter at hand, i guess my brain is just trained to think that im gonna get a “summer break” at some point but i wont. i feel like i need something like that but idk if i can get it. even if i had my own events going on, it would be nice to have a few days in between where i just had nothing going on, which is what my summers used to be like.

bottom line is this doesnt have to do with my job specifically, its just jobs like this in general. i think in serious enough cases, im good at not just taking what i get but getting what i want out of a situation and i would say thats the case here. im not complaining bc i should have a different job and just dont feel like getting one, im complaining bc capitalism is just inherently like this. my job checks all the main boxes for me: i get pretty much all the days off that i want, the hours are late so it works with my whack sleep schedule, and its not a creative job where theres work to take home, it ends at a certain hour and then you dont have to think about it until you come back, which is p much necessary for my ocd. anything beyond those three factors matters much less. so yah, its the best i can get all things considered, but it still has its issues.

the one potential thing that could get me less social interaction would be training to work in the back, but i mean id still have to socialize with coworkers, plus ive heard you kinda make your own schedule back there so haha thats a no go for my ocd. it also seems too physical for me.

#ramble a rooney #i try not to post work rants here but eh #this is like 99% for personal use but might as well post if anyone cares #retail life

0 notes

ko-eko-ev-go-ms · 4 years

Text

Have a random personal vent lol

Ik I gotta work on shit and have a whole convo but like how tho???? Like???? I’m so mad???? And I’m probably just gonna get madder???? And like they aren’t doing anything so like???? And like you can’t just message someone out the blue and be like “hey I’m mad so fuck you actually”, like that’s so shitty???? Hhhhh. It is difficult to have a reasonable and healthy confrontation when you have no models for what that looks like, especially when upset and like???? It’s not like I’m gonna stop being upset so it’s not like I can just leave convo to cool off bc I’m just gonna be mad????

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #also why tf do i have to do so much work on this shit and like ive tried to express and just nothing happens #and like ik its on me to communicate and use my words and shit like thts part of my upsetness at them #and obviously im also my own person responsible for my own decisions on how ive been handling things #but also???? that doesnt absolve them either tho?????#and its like how many times do i have to say something like jst idk ik its a 2 way street and i need to do shit and hold myself accountable #but also so do they tho???? and im just???? so mad abt everything????#and i cant tell anymore if its like ok bc im so mad and resentful i wonder if im just being petty #but also maybe im so angry for a fucking reason????#idk im also rereading old convos and its just making me angrier #like ik i gotta do something but idk wtf tht something is #i also feel shitty bc i feel like a huge hypocrite but at the same time tht makes me more mad #bc ik i have problems and shit and ive been working on it so like??? maybe also do tht???#but also once again hypocritical just a little but just???? HHHHHHG #and im so mad tht i feel like my previous apologies were bad bc actually fuck you #once again im starting to have trouble distinguishing between am i just too mad or am i just finally realizing how fucked shit was #also @ past me u wrong ffs #also tbh its been harder to be nice and friendly and check in bc i feel dishonest bc im so mad but then that makes me feel bad #its hard to be nice and patient w someone when you are actively mad at them

2 notes · View notes

jinkicake · 2 years

Note

I will act UP I like diavolo sm😭😭 he’s such a problem child and does shit just bc like damn your dads been underneath the devildom for a few centuries and now you gotta act up?? But he’s so lonely being king he’s never had real friends🥺🥺 makes me want to fuck him🥰🥰like there is a pudding devilgram where he feeds mc magic pudding that makes their pheromones irresistible to deamons so barbatos and co are trying to fuck mc and he takes them to his room and they just play chess but when you ask him why he isn’t affected he’s like “oh I must be a good actor because I would love nothing more than to keep you here and fuck you” AND I WAS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH LIKE THERES NO SPICY END BC CONSENT KING BUT HHHHH I WANT HIM TO GO FERAL IN ME HES SO BIG,,,,, like ik his dick is bomb ik it is and he’s not totally a himbo he’s a little shit like I love the “mc does something horny and he asks if it’s a human custom to embarrass them in public”

I cannot tell you how much this photo has me dying. The diavolo propaganda

Imma put a cut on this bc my thoughts get nsfw in this for a bit LMFAOOOO

OMG NO HIS PERSONALITY LIKE I WAS JUST REPLAYING THE LESSON LIKE IN 24?? 25?? WHERE LEVI GETS THAT 3D GAME AND IT MAKES ALL THE DOORS WACK AND YOU GET STUCK W DIAVOLO AND I WAS LIKE I LOVE THIS BITCHH I like how he always just does whatever and laughs it off like okay work demon king jr!!!

WHAT THE FUCK WAIT WHICH INSTA STORY WHAT HE FUI CBOHMY GAWD IVE NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE BEFORE THAT REMINDS ME OF THE LESSON WHERE ALL THE DEMON BROTHERS DRINK THAT SOUP AND THEY ALL WANNA FUCK MC PLEASEEEEEE OMGGG .... ummm ummm im gonna go watch a YouTube play through or some shit of that story bc I need to see it. I HAVE EXPERIENCE IT W MY OWN EYES ,, Diavolo and lucifers horny moments are my favorite ngl (but mammon will always be my favorite!!!)

off the top of my head probs soooo ooc but let me say I do think that fucking Diavolo would be a pleasant experience, for the most part I believe he would genuinely care about how the reader is feeling and would praise them (rather than degrade... cough cough Lucifer who acts like he hates his human when he loves them) and he would do everything to service them like you got this giant ass demon's dick to play with.... THATS what fucking Diavolo is like!!!

HES SO HOT. that photo literally has me on the floor rolling oh my gawd this is so humiliating bc I thought my obsession w the game was getting better and more normal BUT IT WASNT THIS ENTIRE TIME T T IVE BEEN GOING BACKWARDS no bc that photo alone has me like moving Diavolo up to my top five PFFTTTT im sorry simeon im going to the Diavolo smut tag now I can never focus on one thing for more than five minutes HAHA

#sarahandoikawatalkshit

33 notes · View notes

arabella111 · 2 years

Note

hi arabella,

so i have this problem with manifesting.. those past years i have been so depressed that i lost my idenity and idk what i like and who i am, and it makes it harder for me to manifesting since idk what i want exactly. i feel if i had this big realization/existental crisis when i found abt the law i would get my shit together or realize what i want but literally nothing has changed like idk how to benefit from knowing the law. i have tried commanding my sub for answers but i never get one.

also ive turned 17, 2 weeks ago and everyone keeps telling me that this is the last year im a kid and i shouod mature and all that and it hurts me bc i feel like i didnt enjoy my teenage years enough and i dont even have friends now and idk what to do, should i manifest friends and live the life that i wanted now in a year or slow down time like im so confused.

i also feel weird abt wanting to manifest specific things like stuff i was suposed to already have for example when i was younger i could speak russian but now i forgot and i used to be a dancer and now i cant dance and its like i wish i didnt have to worry abt manifesting it and just mentaining it yk? and the other thing js that i feel weird manifesting being pretty like yes ik i can do that but when i was little id get conpliments abt my looks and my body but now nothing and it makes me think that id get all those conpliments just bc i was little but even i was its like i lost it just the other things i mentioned earlier.. i just wish i was born pretty like the other pretty girls without having to manifest it yk?

i hope i made some sense english isnt my first language , i hope i didnt annoy u i just rlly need help rn bc im in a rlly bad place and confused🥺🥺💕💕

i get you, baby. don't worry <33

so first, i want you to sit down and open up a note/notepad, physically or digitally, doesn't really matter. and then write everything that's bothering you. you don't have to describe it, just write it down in two-three words. and then, beside it write down the things you would want instead of it. write down the favourable for the unfavourable.

next, start working on your self concept. i have a post on it. you don't have to invest a week or two for your sc, a single day is enough.

thirdly, whenever you ask your subconscious for an answer, trust and assume it'll give you the answer no matter what. you don't get answers because you assume you won't. self concept will come in handy here as well.

also, if you feel like you missed your teenage years. you can either revise it or just manifest going back in time. do something that'll actually make you happy.

now, you manifest literally everything. the good, the bad. everything. it's either consciously or subconsciously. the world around you is your creation. you're not a good dancer? it's because you assume so (consciously or subconsciously). you think everyone is pretty but not you? why? because you assume so. you put yourself last that's why you're last. you are what you assume. i advice you to work on your self concept, it'll really help you build yourself and give you the boost of confidence you need. and, also you can use some of these.

1. sats (i have a post on this)

2. void (post on this as well)

3. placebos

or just create your own method. and please go through each and every post in my pinned. don't give up, you can do this, you're literally god! all the best, mwah <33

#law of assumption

22 notes · View notes

dr3amofagame · 2 years

Text

ok, just to round this out.

hi! my name is dr3, and i have ADHD.

going to put most of this under the cut, bc ik most people dont need me spilling my life story haha.

anyway, point is, i have ADHD. i am neurodivergent in an immigrant family that tends to see neurodivergency and mental illness as either being fake or meaning that your future is completely fucked up if you have either. as someone who grew up struggling with both (and being denied of ever able to consider myself as having these problems) it was always ,,, really goddamn hard for me to understand why my brain worked the way it did.

for a long time, i just resigned myself to being Weird. to always struggling to do assignments until The Day They Were Due. to losing shit All The Time and then getting yelled at for “not caring” about my belongings, even though the things i lost were very often very beloved items that i cherished dearly and would cry about losing for days. to never knowing how loud i was meant to speak, or missing words the first five times they were said, to hating ever having to Change what i was doing (and always being late to lunch, and dinner, and everything), to focusing really really hard on some random thing and lose all sense of time in the process.

it wasnt until maybe 2 years ago when i realized that there was like. a Word for all of this.

so like - everything that was made into a haha funny meme in that post? was probably something i remember someone saying to me at some point, sometimes in good faith, oftentimes not. i feel like when you grow up with adhd, having people ask “how do you function on so little sleep? how did you forget to eat/drink/Function like a normal person Again? why are you moving All The Time? why did you do [X reckless thing here] what were you thinking? were you focused on [Y] that entire time? did you hear anything i just said?” is a COMMON occurrence, and for a long time, *I* didn’t know why i was the way i was either. believe it or not, unless you know someone is nd, the way nd people act is frequently confusing to nt people - and even other nd people, as all neurodivergencies are Not made equal ! and it can be very fucking confusing, and even scary, to yourself - if you have no idea why your brain seems to work Wrong compared to everyone else.

the point of this isnt to trauma dump, or to act superior bc of my neurodivergency. the point is simply to say that seeing similar nd traits in both a cc and character i enjoy is comforting. that it makes me feel a Little less like the “odd one out” ive been for so long. the point is to say that ,, a haha funny joke about adhd made by two people with adhd was never meant to be about abuse, or morals, or whatever shit the fandom feels like arguing about now. it was just a haha funny joke made by people w/ adhd for people w/ adhd.

that’s all.

#tw discourse #tw negativity #tw vent #tw ableism #anyway just a quick post to round this all out #love all of you fellow nd c!dream apologists out there

33 notes · View notes

commajade · 2 years

Note

ik this is from before but ive been thinking about the trans man butch post and idk... i don't like the idea of including attraction to trans men in lesbianism and when i was reading it i was like well good for the author but im not...attracted to trans men...and thats not part of being lesbian. like idk when this was written and if its older I get how diff norms could have impacted her understanding but yea...and also the line talking abt how the lover wants her like a man bc his thinking changed after starting T stuck out to me as weird too. and i mean maybe the modern understanding of sex hormones is just a lot diff so i wont go on about how thats not how T works but i feel like lesbians are usually very off put by someone "wanting us as a man"? food for thought ig

the thing is though, that it genuinely does not matter whether u think that person's experience is valid. ur allowed to judge that person and disagree, and u would be probably be aligned with a lot of other lgbt ppl around them. and it's ok if u disagree with me! this is the internet not an in-person and long standing lesbian social community, u r not accountable to me beyond basic human decency. i personally don't see a problem with it because people have all kinds of journeys with their identity and within lgbt social circles and butch and femme are relational social roles within a specific social and political context and the issue of transitioning while being butch is much bigger and much more difficult than we know and the author expressed that struggle beautifully.

i am absolutely not saying that because i don't see a problem in that story i'm allowing attraction to trans men to be a part of the definition of lesbianism. there's a difference between what actual people historically experienced and what is a correct on-paper definition of sexualities and lgbt social roles. i agree that i am not attracted to trans men and attraction to trans men should not be considered a part of the definition of what a lesbian is. there are actually trans men on this website that call themselves butch and make weird posts about gay men and lesbians having sex being normal. and it's gross, really really gross. another example of this would be bi femmes. on the internet i'm gonna be uncomfortable when a lot of bi women with no affiliation to or knowledge of lesbian bar culture and no love for butches call themselves femme but historically, bi women were an important part of butch femme bar culture and gave up a lot and gained a lot from taking on the responsibility of that social role, which continual rejection of men and wanting butches instead is a part of.

queerness is by definition outside of words, everything we do is resistance to language and outside of language and breaks apart language. the danger in these kinds of stories is when people use them as proof for ideas that are trying to disrupt our social formations and community structures and make our words meaningless, make the word lesbian no longer mean what it does. but the story doesn't do that, there's a reverence for lesbianism and the butch femme community that the narrator is terrified of losing the subversive power gained by becoming a part of that community and social structure. and about that section the narrator was put off by that too, terrified in fact.

finally, note that the passage never did firmly establish whether the narrator's partner considers himself a trans man completely. he could be a nonbinary transmasc lesbian like me that went through medical transition. he could be a trans man that still considers himself butch and that would be none of my business, he has def already been taken to task about it by his own community based on their own definitions of what being butch means. these terms come with sacrifice, they come with automatic rejection from society, they come with punishment both physical/legal and emotional, they aren't taking this shit lightly.

lesbian and trans experience is complicated and not going to fit neatly into any kind of narrative because we're communally writing the stories and definitions as they suit us and the community we have made. in general yeah saying lesbians are attracted to trans men is transphobic and lesbophobic but this is real people we're talking about, with real experiences that do in fact happen. it's not an idea, it's just what happened to those people. they're people of incorrect gender and incorrect desire which is the definition of what being lgbt is, and they should be considered as real human beings living through hell just to be who they are and survive. i don't think it's my role as a reader to further punish this person who's lived through more hardship for being gay and trans than i have, whose story is being very vulnerably told so i can benefit, so i can see some of myself and feel some connection in the past as a young nonbinary transmasc butch lesbian.

#asks #long post //#if i misspoke anyone can lmk this stuff is rly fraught in terms of language and i could always be more clear #butch

9 notes · View notes