#bc ive always experienced this

[seakrisp]

I think Modern Au Suletta would be a Glass Child

#Eri would probably have a chronic illness that kept most of the Samaya/Mercury family at the hospital #Suletta loves her sister but clearly doesn't realize the neglect she's experiencing #like it got worse when Nadim (?) died and Prospera/Elanor would sometimes guilt trip Suletta whenever Suletta tries to ask for something #Suletta ending up just not asking or speaking up on anything #and feeling lonely and sad makes her guilty cus she has it better than her sister #Eri is still able to do stuff but just very limited activities and she's just always fatigued #i feel like Eri would feel like shes an awful older sister bcs of her condition #They both love each other so much they fill each other's loneliness. #sorry ive been thinking about this so much.. its microwaving in my head and i cannot draw it rn #Eri puts up a more confident but also a chill front because Suletta is usally so anxious #heheheh #im just making up angst #man #i miss g witch #g witch #gundam the witch from mercury #gundam #suletta mercury #ericht samaya #the witch from mercury #elnora samaya #prospera mercury #Nadim samaya #i think #i forgor

[lobotomyladylives]

love how these end preview bits will have gon saying stuff like "in my next life I want to be me and meet you again <3" to killua, and then in the episode itself he's like "you are an emotionless robot just like your abusive family always told you. go kill yourself"

#ive gotten to this part in my rewatch & am experiencing the usual levels of suffering. #''you have it easy killua. youre perfectly calm. since it means nothing to you'' WHY DO YOU THINK HES EVEN HERE?!?? #its so sad bc killua cares SO much & hes not calm at all hes constantly breaking down in this arc. always about gon #we get 80ish episodes dedicated to making us love them & their friendship. then 60 of it being ripped up & set on fire #really cool really fun stuff love to make myself experience it all over again for a 5th time #its so crazy that its been a decade since i first watched hxh. and 9 yrs for hannibal. but then again its not bc who was i before that #my post

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

[maraeffect]

okay so idk if any of my followers are into kink culture at all. but my fiancee and i used to be very active in it. and before we got engaged, we "collared" one another. up until a couple years ago, we both wore our collars 24/7!! but now we're in a different place and we are more comfy without them (sensory needs).

however!! i finally splurged and got myself an "eternity collar" (stainless steel, able to be worn 24/7 vs leather and Brahma web collars). so!! we're about to do an intimate little collaring ceremony in the forest 🥺💖

autumn is my favorite time of year, and autumn (my fiancee) will be seeing the leaves change for the first time this year!!!!!! we're going to have a little picnic at the park and take in all the trees. maybe do little vows 🥺🥺

i want so badly to actually marry her, but i can't bc of financial and SSI reasons. so this will hold me over in the meantime 💖💖💖

anyway i've never done a ceremony before, so this is really really important to me 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i'm so excited for it !!! it's something so special and so bright, which is a welcome change from the dark months i've had ❤️‍🩹

#I'm like fine irt the last sentence! the past couple months have been blurring by tho #im not really experiencing joy rn and the days are blurring bc im running from my orher feelings u know? #i think this little celebration of our love is gonna remind me why I'm here and that im loved ❤️‍🩹 #ive always told her that my arms were made to hold her. and it's true #i have never felt so strongly or passionate about ANYTHING as much as i feel about loving her #it's my life's purpose. shes my soulmate. my fated love. i can't even explain the bond we have #we have traversed universes together and our souls knew right when to find each other again. #as much as we bicker at times or get frustrated like all couples do. i know shes my home #thats how u KNOW its real lol. i still love her even when she has her stuff all over the floor for the millionth time LOL #anyway ugh i love my fiancee. im so glad that the universe gifted me this guardian angel #to love me. hold me. and take care of me. thru. well everything. #chatter #autumn

[hermanunworthy]

yall does my lack of personal romantic experience Show in my writing 😭

#i sure do enjoy writing kiss scenes for someone who has never even experienced a kiss before #technically. #im so obsessed w the concept of romance and intimacy but my ass does NOT have the balls to do more than hold hands #but when i write i always have to pretend to know what im talking about anyways #not to start vemting but ive been thinking about my relationship w romance a SHIT ton lately and its all been really confusing and stressful #*venting #i wish it was easy to understand and participate in!!!!! #fun fact i was originally planning on posting all my fics anonymously bc i was THAT embarrassed about people seeing me write romance #im glad i didnt do that but i still get extremely nervous posting stuff #bc my brain will be like 'how DARE u write about those characters kissing. that is so shameful. everyone is disgusted by u now' #this is getting too venty bye #feelings!! scary!!!! #siren says

[bylertruther]

sitting here wondering if the by|er fandom's resistance to AU fics is because for many this is their first time in fandom or if they just really Do like the canon plot of stranger things that much 🤔 hmmmmm..

#i was going thru my old ass bookmarks n jus cackling at how the Biggest fics in my previous fandoms were ALWAYS au that had #absolutely nothing at all to do with canon and literally no proximity to it whatsoever they were just in a completely different situation #and then here it's like .... very much not that way. some AU writers have a small and dedicated following but overall it seems like people #mostly prefer canon and canon continuation at college and such #which is fine! but it's like omg ... trying to rec au fics sometimes feels like trying to make a raccoon with rabies drink water #and it jus is so funny to me bc ive never experienced tht n realistically i have come to Accept this but still every time #thts reaffirmed i go thru a 'HUH?! 😳🤨' culture shock moment before i remember where i am bdhhshfndbdhdhd #like. i am Not going to expose myself bt i remember being in a fandom for characters that were not even american #and yet the Biggest fic that Everyone And Their Mother knew and revered was a sweet home alabama au. LIKE SHSBDJSJSNHSKSKS #it jus makes me giggle. #but speaking of that au...... HMMMMMMM..... THAT ONE /WOULD/ WORK SO PERFECTLY FOR BY//LER WOULD IT NOT.... 😳📝 HMMMMMMM !!!!!!! #many thotz 2 be thunk ....

[s0fter-sin]

“maybe if i, an 8yr old, managed to talk sense into my groomed and deeply traumatised 13yr old brother, maybe he wouldn’t have accidentally almost killed himself and become a villain” and no one in that room disagreed with him??

#none of them? #not one of them went hey maybe it wasnt on us literal children to try and help him? #this is where the endeavour redemption completely lost me #it was as well written as it could be up until this point #natsu still hating him fuyumis trauma response of lets just bury everything and be a normal family shoutos conditional forgiveness #especially when endeavour said ill buy you all a house and you never have to see me again #i could live with that. i hate it (make him face a lasting consequence for the love of god) but i could live with it #he doesnt deserve forgiveness and he deserves every ounce of emotional pain hes experiencing bc holy shit he irrevocably ruined five lives #but then they really turned around and said yeah us victims share the blame for how touya turned out #what the fuck #reis level of blame is debatable since even if she was mentally stable she was still always in the mindset of hey this guy Bought Me #and his continued Buying Me will fund my parents who Sold Me to him #even before any anbuse happened she was never going to be able to stand up to him #endeavour groomed touya just like afo did with shigaraki except even worse bc it happened from day dot #then he completely cut him off from the thing he groomed him to be and dumped him on rei until he got the child he wanted #dabi was never anything but endeavours fault and the fact that the narrative is trying to make them all share the blame #and frame it as a see endeavour when we all share fault and support you isnt it easier for you? cant you stand up and solve the problem now? #its the most classic victim blaming ive ever seen and were supposed to just take it and be like aw theyre facing dabi as a family #fuck off #and even then he still freezes and makes shouto fight dabi #you cant do it so i the 16yr old you also abused will fight my brother the kid you drove to accidental suicide for you #and when he finally gets over himself (after shouto is nearly killed dont forget that) and decides hes finally strong enough to fight him #were supposed to cheer that moment? #yay hes finally going to look at touya! were the fuck was he an hour ago cause he aint done shit against afo #the family needs to share blame and support him so he can face the blame and support himself fuck off #go beyond plus ultra #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #endeavour #dabi #todoroki shouto

[skunkes]

there is something about how ive given talon all my death woes, as well as one that would only apply to a long living being like him. Something about how he doesn't form bonds anymore because non vampires don't Stay. Something about how ive inserted myself into an world with him and I myself will also leave him behind one day. (Though i guess he'll go with me, but there's also a chance that whenever It Happens he'll still be around in the minds of some as an idea...)

#talkys #im fighting off another death rumination panic attack at yet another funeral #too many in the past few years #he was actually born in the wake (lol...) of my spiral into unhealthy death fixation and rumination #which he also has as a part of his whole being #he came back to my brain at such a good time... i really need him rn #anyway. funeral slideshows always make me cry #and then i have nowhere to look bc the Body is in the room with us #i keep feeling dread. all ive been experiencing is the d**ths 🧿 of people ive not been close to #and just remembering they were People leaves me crying until i cant see #idk if ill make it through any death of an immediate family member once it comes (🧿🧿🧿) #sorry i made this post to distract me but it didnt matter #it doesnt help that he looked so much like my dad.... #OK IVE CALMED DOWN A LITTLE FOR NEOW 👍

[hella1975]

wicked game by chris isaak as a zukka song. discuss

#as THE zukka song even. ive been listening to this on loop this morning #it's also specifically very tams and taob zukka coded just bc it's got that jaded 'been through hell' vibe to it #'the world was on fire and no one could save me but you' hello... literally the war..... sokka pulling zuko out of it.... the gaang winning #'i never dreamed that id love somebody like you' GOES BOTH WAYS #also the chorus kinda reluctant to fall in love but it's happening anyway? VERY TAOB AND TAMS CODED #like i always said taob zukka's anthem was georgia particularly bc of 'if i fix you will you hate me' #and 'i dont want to fall in love with you (the world is only gonna break your heart)' gives similar vibes #and the tams angle is bc tams zuko's whole thing is that he wants NOTHING to do with the war #like he's had enough he's seen enough he's well and truly given up hope #he's lost his fight which is such a heartbreaking thing to consider for ZUKO of all people #and the gaang kind of. forcefully give him hope again and restore his faith in humanity and he's fighting it every step of the way #bc if he gets his fight back then it means he can't just be jaded and indifferent to the injustice he's seen and experienced #he has to deal with it head on and that's such a horrible scary thing and he just doesn't want to fight anymore #literally 'what a wicked game to play to make me feel this way what a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you' #in this essay i will- #twice as many stars #taob updates #<- very funny to me that i just use that tag as a taob dumping ground like it very rarely has anything to do with an update <3 #zukka

[aphel1on]

GOT BAITED INTO PLAYING GENSHIN AGAIN BC THEY FINALLY PUT ALBEBE ON A BANNER & I GOT HIM ON THE 50/50 LOVE WINS

#i did have to do nearly the whole 90 rolls b4 i triggered the 50/50 tho so. lol #albedo #genshin impact #baby i farmed your entire artifact set like last summer #ive waited so long for youuuuuuu #i skipped his most recent banner before this bc i was saving for some1 else i cant remember #mightve been scara actually #and i was like 'at worst he'll be back next fall' #and then. he was not #i skipped all of 4.4 and almost all of 4.3 #ive been playing genshin since 2021 and ive never experienced a single lantern rite bc #i always get burnt out around then somehow isnt that sick and twisted #ive also been very distracted by baldurs gate #aphelion.txt #caps #gachaposting

[kururu666]

shit thats weird and murky to talk about: how being a bi trans man meant a lot of my formative gay experiences align very closely with lesbian ones. like it or not i was raised female and forced to participate in events as a girl, so a lot of my experiences of attraction and solidarity are all pretty lesbian-y. im not saying im a lesbian im not but im saying i feel weirdly intrusive when i see a poll or conversation about lesbian experiences and think "oh! i did that too!"

#this isnt me being like oh ive been excluded from these spaces bc lesbians are mean or something im just feelin weird about it #like ive always known i was a man thats just my experience but there were times where i tried to be a girl #and in those times i found myself amongst mostly lesbians also experiencing attraction to women #idk im glad i have those experiences but also when i try to articulate them my only thought is `back when i was a lesbian`

[orcelito]

Can't let anyone forget about my practically obscene love of mushrooms. I will post about it constantly.

#speculation nation #im a little freak actually so i hope my collection of new followers r fine with that #loving mushrooms is not freak material but the level that i love them kind of is #this isnt even getting into my other odd eating habits. of which i have many. #or my habit of sampling anything and everything at work so long as it's Technically edible #up to and including plain matcha concentrate and rose concentrate and vanilla paste #and hazelnut extract and vanilla extract and caramel extract and #ive eaten plain coffee beans before and in fact DELIGHT in taking the lemon ginger shots. just plain lemon juice mixed with ginger juice #ginger juice as in just juice from the ginger. not a ginger beer no just straight ginger concentrate. i love that shit. #let's see what are other things ive sampled at work...? #plain sugar syrups. always awful. hate sweet shit like that. i will still sample them tho if i get some on me #uhm. boba dough. which ive heard unprocessed tapioca is uh. toxic. but i think ours is processed? #i havent gotten poisoned from it yet! and handmade boba dough is actually pretty tasty #raw store bought boba is one of the worst tastes and textures ive ever experienced tho #which yes i have sampled that too. and spat it out bc i couldnt bring myself to swallow. awful awful awful. #it's kinda a running joke at my workplace that i will sample basically Anything #i cant help it 😭 the other day there was a lil bit of vanilla paste left over on the tablespoon #so i just went and dripped it into my mouth w/o thinking on my way to put the tablespoon in the dish area #& the employee just saw me physically cringe. drop the tablespoon at the sinks. then rush to the hand washing sink to rinse my mouth #& he was just like. 'did you just SAMPLE that????' #& i had to be like. '....yeah😭😭😭😭😭' #to b fair some months ago he saw me sample the rose extract. run to the sink to rinse my mouth #then 15 mins later. not learning my lesson. sample the vanilla extract. then run to the sink to rinse my mouth. #the vanilla extract was slightly nicer than the rose extract. bc at least it didnt make my tongue numb (like the rose did) #Flavor Shock. that shit's real man #anyways ramble post is rambles. i just dont want anyone to think im cool or anything lmfao

[camelspit]

hey. maybe you shouldn't write a book review if you haven't even finished the fucking book. btw.

#i see shit like DNF AT 32% on goodreads all the time and it annoys the shit out of me #how can you give a good review if you havent even been through all the source material?? #how can you objectively say you know it well enough to write a review? #especially when its below 75% #or even 50% #It annoys me so much #goodreads reviews in general annoy me alot because #people cant seem to tell the goddamn difference between i didnt like it and it was bad #for a website about reading #the users can be severely lacking in reading comprehension #anyway ive always felt like this but it sort of boiled over last night ig. #because i read a book that went so so hard. And it has 4 stars which is like. pretty hard to get. in my opinion. #And someone gave it a low rating because they listened to 32% of the audiobook and didnt care for one of the voice actors. #and then said they got the physicsl book to read and then didnt read any of it bc they didnt want to #And thats fine! But like! You are not the person that should be writing a review about it! If you havent experienced the whole thing! #>:(

[pepprs]

it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do

#purrs #writing (or reading my writing) about bad things that have happened and trying to make sense of them and see how much distance ive gotten #from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has #changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for #myself in the way iknow i need someone to be there for me. relatedly when im experiencing horrors beyond belief i just want to take whoever #im mad at into a giant field and scream at them where no bystander can hear us or intervene or get their feelings hurt. i want freedom and i #want energetic reciprocity. i want to express myself and be met with equal expression. the most helpful thing people can do when im #spiralling is to methodically destroy the spiral and not give up after just one chunk. stay there and don’t leave. like why is it so fucking #hard to… idk. that’s neither here nor there im getting in the weeds. my mental health was doing better for a few days bc i was pretending #none of the horrors happened but i tried to reflect on them tonight and now it’s 1:33 and im spiralling and i have to get thru the rest of t #week and probably be alone and i only have myself now.a nd i always only did i guess. so whatever. i don’t want to be miserable and surly at #work tomorrow but i probably will be and i don’t want to say it’s gonna be a bad day before it’s even started but it probably will be. augh. #delete later

[thegoldenavenger]

Genuinely wondering if I am developing some weird new symptom or if reading svsss has made me recontextualize my own body

#misc #for context #my ears just. get warm now. #for no reason????? #it's not associated w any emotion as far as i can tell #maybe bc im sleepy??? im always sleepy #but ive never experienced ear blushing how weird

[prettyboykatsuki]

for personal reasons and bc of being on the internet during peak ace discourse i dont really talk a lot about being demisexual but ive identified as demi for a LONGGG time like since i was like 11 or something

and like. one of the aspects of it is that i dont really experience attraction outside of my partner. which seems normal but i mean like... it's almost like sex doesn't even exist to me with the exception of my partner where i feel it like EXTREMELY intensely and all of my desires are really suddenly released.

it's hard to explain but like. i can't physically fathom attraction in a way. it doesn't register in my head that people are attracted to each other. i can have libidio and fantasies but i very distinctly don't feel genuine attraction almost ever. i forget sometimes that other people do.

and when i go a long time without seeing my partner i kind of forget it all together because my libido is something i can take care of on my own but when im around my partner im like oh shit. monkey brain and actually experience attraction and it's like such an intense and fucking bizarre feeling. like i don't know how to explain it but to think other people experience that frequently genuinely blows my mind

#aristotle.txt #for pride im trying to talk about my identity a little more #but its kind of nerve wracking bc i dont like talking microlabels since its not rlly other peoples business #i genuinely cant understand like. attraction as a whole unless im already very emotionally invested #that's why the idea of cheating as a temptation is so foreign to me #like i physically dont know what thats like. ive never experienced it #i cant feel attraction to strangers in the way thats discussed in media sometimes #the idea has always been bizarre for me #also if you bring discourse about this im knocking you upside the head