#bc my dad wouldn't let me

[autisticandroids]

FAMINE: That's one deep, dark nothing you've got there, Dean.

[youtube with closed captions]

dean and his father. dean and his family. dean and how bad it is.

(via @closetoyou1970)

#spn #vid #mind the warnings on this one for real #woe! fruit of my rewatch be upon ye. #pallas calls this my 'deangirl coming out vid' which honestly. true. but those who paid attention know i've always been a deangirl. #also. after this no more deanwinchester rilo kiley amvs I Pwomise #anyway. i'm not gonna give a full commentary here but a big reason why i chose this song is that the narrator #is essentially dismissing her own problems and instead watching the problems of someone else #and i kind of wanted to play with that theme. this is the parallels show so let's do some parallels. lots of things happen to characters #that are Like Dean somehow. either in personality or circumstance. that we know or can infer happen to him. but we don't see it bc it's #not sayable. not speakable. so like for an easy one. we see meg being tortured in caged heat. she also talks about apprenticing under #alastair just like dean. so i show her being tortured [in a way that is sexualized and demon-specific] and reacting how she does #because i invite the audience to imagine or interpret that this has also happened to dean at some point. we just don't see it #so there are many dean parallels in this video. some obvious. some subtle but textual. some products of my twisted mind. but that's the way #i am using them to make my argument. #oh also: dean voice sam's eyes going black is JUST like when he used to fight with dad and wouldn't listen to me when i told him not to. #i guess also the point is that because it's unsayable. dean can't say it. dean can't even acknowledge it. and so it bleeds through #into everything in his life #that's why it's important that the song narrator doesn't take her own problems seriously. dean doesn't either.

[a2zillustration]

I carried this thing for MONTHS with the EXPRESS PURPOSE of putting Raphael in it (knowing full well Larian wouldn't let me do that, mechanically) and I had one major miscalculation.

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[[ All Croissant Adventures (chronological, desktop) ]]

[[ All Croissant Adventures (app) ]]

#Ok I'm gonna ramble in the tags about all this get ready: #I KNEW Larian wouldn't let me actually pull this off but I PROMISE you that stupid flask sat in my inventory since the moment I grabbed it #WAITING for when I could write this little bit about putting Raphael in it #I even threw it at him in the fight with a 30% hit chance and it succeeded so I considered that Larian giving me permission to say it workd #But as I was reading up on it again when I was sketching this I saw the bit about native planes and I cried LMAO. But it's dnd- #so I rewrote is as it would've happened in a game. U kno. #Also I have been waiting to use that fox line for SO LONG bc of Croissant's dad being a fox-like fey creature #So much backstory that's slotted in PERFECTLY with the BG3 narrative #Anyway absolutely wild that we managed to take out this ancient powerful devil - and on the first try! #Lae'zel with a potion of speed did WORK. Gale came in clutch with hold monster. Astarion gave Raph stage fright. Croissant made him dance #(I'm pretty sure he just doesn't have a dance animation in ascended form lol) #Hope didn't even need to use divine intervention - this party is terrifying #Croissant hated him but in the end I loved Raphael I see why all you people like him #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #act III spoilers #house of hope #croissant adventures #tav #raphael #lae'zel #iron flask #comics #ALSO shoutouts to you if you both noticed and knew which worthikids animation I borrowed the expression in panel 5 from

[magentagalaxies]

so my friend and i are currently chatting about how i just discovered me referring to weed as "pot" makes me sound like a suburban mom even tho i didn't realize it was an "old-timey" term (??? it sounds just as normal as "weed" to me???)

and i just realized the reason i say pot is specifically because 1. watching kids in the hall (and other things from that era) and 2. talking about pot with the kids in the hall (the ones i know irl still use that word)

so for everyone's information i do NOT sound like a suburban mom for saying "pot" i sound like an old canadian gay man!!!!

but anyway that conversation moved on to talking about weed and the kids in the hall and now i must bring a poll to tumblr

(even if you have smoked before this is about placing yourself in the hypothetical situation i'd be in bc i've never been stoned before and my friend and i were joking about how my first time getting high would be with one of the kids in the hall lmao)

also in your opinion is saying "pot" weird???? literally so confusing to me like damn i guess all my interactions with weed are through the lens of 1. media from the 90s or 2. people who were young adults in the 90s

#as someone who honestly could have my first time smoking weed be with one of these poll options here's my personal take #just on the 3 i know irl bc i have no idea how the others would be #i think scott could be fun if i had a good reaction. but bc there's a chance i wouldn't #my take is that scott would be a person i'd smoke with after i'd done it a few times. bc otherwise he might stress me out #(or i'd stress myself out bc holy shit it's scott thompson) #bruce could be fun but i feel like he'd get very dad energy about it. which like maybe that's the vibe you want #but personally i think bruce would be so supportive it would circle back around to stressing me out somehow lmao #paul bellini tho? he has the ultimate chill stoner uncle vibes. he would be very fun to get high with but also if i had a bad reaction #i know he'd understand and like be able to deal with that without making it into a whole thing. like he's just the genuinely cool uncle #deadass i don't have much of an interest in weed but like thinking about my social circle it would almost definitely be paul #even realistically taking into account my non-kith friends and people my own age i'm like no it had to be bellini lmao #i should let paul know i've cast him in this role #anyway let me know your thoughts especially if you'd choose one of the other three #and let me know if i sound like a suburban mom or an old fag (affectionate)

[izzy-b-hands]

im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just

it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)

#text post #god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again #in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps #makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now #gonna sleep eventually #i think lmao #im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better #that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something #no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that #my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it #he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances) #and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year #i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND #and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live #that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me #he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off #where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself #if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao #i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine #gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings #find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try #forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others

[sakuhina]

i have a driving license exam tomorrow and am not ready at all

#i failed like 4 times already i hate it i know the things but i can't pass no matter what #this sucks man!!! 😂😂😂 #idk if other countries its the same but here you can only pass with only 3 wrong and i always go with 4 or 6 wrong it sucks man!!! #maybe its a sign i should give up #but mom would be disappointed :( #there's also a thing that happened where in my old job my boss wouldn't let me be absent so i didn't have classes for almost a whole year #before doing the exams so maybe that's one of the reasons who knows #maybe i'm just too smart for the code and they can't handle my brain #😌 #also i didn't want to learn how to drive it was my uncle randomly one day was like come to this school and lets see what you think #and then just signed me up without asking me or my mom lmao so it's not all on me.. #my mom also has trauma from driving bc my dad would always yell at her when driving so she hasnt drived for almost 30 years #so obviously she wants me to learn to not be stuck with public transportion #but alas #m.text

[altruistic-meme]

ive successfully gotten most of my family to watch good omens (s1), including everyone who I thought i COULD convince and 1 who i DIDN'T

#i also didn't even actually TRY to get my dad to watch it #we just happened to choose to watch it on my parents room so we could lay on the bed #and he happened to be in the room and didn't leave #i didn't think anything of it until episode 5 when he laughed at 'you wouldn't get that kind of performance from a modern car' #and in ep6 he asked of we'd be good 'GOOD tennant' in s2 cus his theory #on why they survived the hellfire/holy water #was ig that they switched places as angel and demon ???? which is a FASCINATING theory imo #anyway I'm going back to their house AGAIN next week to watch all of s2 :) #have to let my sister know so she can join us if she wants #she's already seen episodes 1-3 but will my mom has always been better at binging than my sisters gjkskvksjf #I'm slightly nervous about s2 just bc of how very very queer it is amd my oldest sister and dad are...... not exactly the easiest??? #to show these things?????? #bc i have no idea how to predict their reactions #my mom will be pretty fine with it probably... my sister has been known to make comments about how the 'sjws' push stuff so much #and my dad is....... pretty old fashioned to say it nicely. he knows that me and my sisters are queer (sexuality) #and doesn't really have any issues #and his favorite actor is cary grant who is ??? controversially bi????? but like i said; hard to predict #anywho I'm still excited anyway #good omens #shh ac

[perilegs]

i’m sooo brave for not mauling 2 coworkers to death after i said we have a friend (bug) at the office and they asked me if i needed something to squish it with

#the bug was sooo pretty! it was a uuuhh.. wait let me google what theyre called in english #OH THOSE BITCHES ARE ISOPODS???!?!?! #anyways! it was some kind of an isopod! ive only seen plain gray ones but this one was a bit brown with some kinda pattern #very cute #it wouldn't walk on my hand so i had to pick it up with a paper to throw outside #i need a bug expert bc every time i see a butterfly or a caterpillar i can just send a pic to my dad and he'll tell me what it is and then i #can go ''cool!'' or ''oh i forgor'' #leevi talks

[the-acid-pear]

A good chunk of my dream today was spent on a bus traveling with my dad where after a very long while of being annoyed by an old woman an old classmate whose face and voice i remember but his name i don't encouraged me to tell her, and tell her i did. At first i started speaking formally but by the end I snapped and i was straight up screaming about how she's annoying and i hate to see her face every time i get on this goddamn bus and it was time someone told her these things. There wasn't a reaction from anyone because i was waking up tho so the dream fell apart before my own eyes.

#luly talks #there were also some moments of claustrophobia probably because my horrible anxiety as of lately #first one was after me and my dad tried to skip paying ticket we were forced to go to the corner behind the bus driver seat #between the machine to pay #and wait until the next stop to do so #second time was after i went to sit on the back because the middle had some weird long seats #there was a very weird guy next to me but i was ignoring him until between him and some other guy (it wasnt intentional they weren't trying #to hurt me but they were doing it anyway) i got stuck and i was like begging them to move snd let me go and saying i was stuck #as i tried to squiggle away #i got away from that bug fuckin g BITING them #and finally the last was before i finally snapped where someone screamed something and i looked out of the window and i realized the bus #was going underwater so i grabbed onto this classmate and ducked down not even caring about it being weird #but then it cleared like nothing and due to that stress i just snapped at the woman #who let me give more context: when my dad and i tried to skip paying she started talking shit in that old woman fashion #but then she wouldn't stop complaining about this student who had done a graffiti because apparently the bathrooms were trash #and one of the things i told her is ''you can have us from morning til noon making graffitis and cleaning them up but that won't change #that the bathroom is still shit #also i think she wanted to cause some repercussions for me speaking like that bc she was like DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I WORK AT ... #and i was like No i don't i never heard of it im new im from the city but with the most arrogant tone ever #anyway it was fun

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many #obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts #but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so #hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things #bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day #and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of #life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic #bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts #it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like #keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again #its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid #of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating #i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my #brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked #up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at #them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do #this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand #but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe #no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine #at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave #unrelated

[traitorsinsalem]

old people are so cool i love old people. cooking for old people and having meals with them is the coolest also.

#succ speaks #thinking abt my neighbor who died a few months ago she was a nice old portuguese lady who lived in a house that she and her husband built #once she made stuffed quahogs for us as a surprise gift so we cooked a whole ass feast to have w her and her son #also one of my parents' friends whose grandsons i've been friends with since we were little #i'm always scared to cook for her tho bc she runs a restaurant LOL like i could never beat the food her husband makes i wouldn't even try #she's like 70 and both of her parents are alive in their late 90s and she jokes 'my people live forever' (she's japanese) but like no fr HOW #<- so she's not even that old she just has old person vibes. i don't think someone is actually old until they hit their 80s #neighbors tho my most recent old neighbor was this widowed guy who let me call my dad when i got locked out of the house skateboarding #and we also took each other's barrels to the front door and i'd bring his newspaper to his doorstep #he also gave me his dead wife's copy of the complete works of shakespeare??? hardcover with gilded pages and shit????? #but yeah cooking for and eating with old people is so cool and fun

[drivemysoul]

i literally regret not going to rep tour every single time i think about it and the fact i probably can't go to mdinights tour is making me so sad

#taylor.txt #i dont even know how to get tickets in the first place #someone said you have to buy merch and the more you buy the higher priority you are for tickets #which i like can't afford her merch is so expensive plus shipping #and the tickets are making me stressed to even think about the price plus i need accommodation on top of that #i literally just don't think i can go and it's making me so sad #i've begged my parents to let me see her ever since speak now tour and they said no bc i was too young #and then 1989 dad decided we wouldn't go because he thought she was a bad influence on me #and rep tour we couldn't go because we couldn't afford it #now i'm an adult and there's no way i can get my own ticket like i'm just. so sad.

[reasoncourt]

how r ur brother and u not dead girl 💀

dsjhdsbjs REAL. idk. we did a lot of stupid stuff. we're fine. luck mostly? darwin's theory perhaps?

#i have someone i consider a younger brother who i'm not technically related to and his parents are comparatively much more.... watchful #but then tbf my dad wouldn't let me catch the bus to school bc he was scared i'd be *snatched* #he exists in contradictions i suppose #asks #anon

[draconifay]

I feel like more people need to understand this:

Just because you're frustrated or upset at someone, doesn't mean it's okay to say and do hurtful things to them.

You're allowed to feel your feelings, but please communicate in a CONSTRUCTIVE way with someone so you can better problem solve rather than taking out your frustrations on someone. ESPECIALLY if what they're doing to frustrate you is not out of malice.

If it IS out of malice, and they don't change, you set boundaries or remove yourself from the situation if you can.

If it's not though - you're just barring any chance of working through issues with someone when you go on the offense by default. And it doesn't help fix anything.

#relationships #healing #it's something that is excused so much in my home as a byproduct of letting my dad's abuse slide #everyone just takes out their frustrations on each other and it sucks #my sister does it so much with me but my family never does anything about it #it's always 'well at a certain point she gets frustrated by X and Y' #that doesn't make it okay???? if i mocked someone and called them a bitch that wouldn't be okay for me #why is it okay with her???? #if i was even half as rude as she is with me i would be getting in so much trouble - but its okay with her cuz shes younger ig #and she said i was 'playing the victim' when i was rightfully hurt by her just treating me like im stupid #which is literally what my dad has told me so many times before #thats the pattern here honestly #if im hurt by smth and rightfully get upset i'm 'playing the victim' but if someone hurts me bc theyre frustrated or angry its 'justified'