#bc my family moved from a house to a small apartment and we only have space for 3 bookshelves and 2 are family books

[undercovercameron]

a domesticated rafe cameron

summary: a bf headcanon for sir rafe m.f. cameron

notes: *NSFW NEAR THE END* i have been seeing so many headcanons for rafe as a bf recently and i used to do these all the time for other fandoms and people and holy fuck i miss and love them.. allow me to indulge myself. also a lot of these are not simply him being touchy or super cute positive ones bc he’s canonically a murderer and drug addict and felon sooo akdjdjd we all of course romanticize him but i just thought i’d say that. lemme know what you think !

tags: rafe cameron x reader

i think rafe is a very complicated kind of lover

he’s a complex ass dude as it is, so that obviously reflects in your relationships

your relationship probably started unconventionally, either because of a fuck up or drunken mistake or maybe even meeting him randomly on a golf course or on the beach and just immediately being drawn to each other

he wants someone that challenges him a Little bit but really just wants someone to go with the flow and let him take the lead

he already gets enough direction and bossy shit from his family

(probably a couple arguments have sparked because of that; he sees too much of rose or ward in you. it’s also something that draws him to you, though, so take it with a grain of salt)

on the topic of arguments, you two are no stranger to them

he always ends up apologizing though, even if you started it—he’d just much rather have your mouth on his than have it yelling at him and knows there’s always a way to get you back on his side

he’s a proud man, so his apologies are usually in the form of him complimenting you or giving entirely hypothetical situations in which he Possibly Might Be Sorry

you take it because it’s probably the best you’re gonna get

he shows his love and affection in a little different ways that other people you’ve dated

of course he’s no stranger to PDA

in fact it only puffs his chest that you want to be seen with him and touch him

he’ll never admit it, but he loves when you kiss his face

like duh,

but not just his lips, he really likes when you kiss him on the temple or just press your face to his cheek or peck at his jaw

he also likes when you hold onto his belt when getting his attention or trying to move him

a lot of your dates involve watching a movie or TV show, because truth be told he is a home body

maybe not his home, but def a home body

your house is a reminder that he is apart of your life; he sees the pictures, the movie tickets, his favorite chips (salt and vinegar, ew i know), or spares of toothbrushes and his clothes in your closet

in any social situation he is either looking at you, thinking of looking at you, touching you, or asking people where you are

he cannot stand to make small talk without his emotional support girlfriend at his side

you’re just so much funnier than all these other people

he prides himself on his ability to make you blush, and does it any chance he gets

he doesn’t really get to laugh a lot, as he is either in distress or about to get punched or reprimanded, so you’re always whispering some joke into his ear to get him to laugh. your success rate is much better than anyone else’s in his life

he knew he loved you when you grabbed his hand during a dinner you were at and some politician walked in with a very apparent and badly concealed nose job. you just mouth “oh my god” and he had to snort to cover up his laugh

you were also all dolled up and cute and sexy that night so that may have had something to do with him knowing he loved you

he is also a great communicator

it’s not in his nature to hide his feelings because they’re so fucking obvious on that expressive face of his

and he never knew he could have so much fun texting until you came along

now he’s a regular emoticon user

weird, right?

now onto spicy things,

you’ve never known a partner to ask you how you feel more than Rafe

it’s a praise thing, you think

he wants to hear that he feels good, that right there, that he fucks you so good, that he’s perfect for you

the nonverbal sign that all those are true is when you throw your head back and a gasp is caught in your throat

the very idea that your breath is stolen every time he does something good makes his heart skip a beat

his cheeks get very red while you’re having sex, so your cool fingers are usually petting them or pressed near them

you have a thing for his legs

i mean come on

he just walks around like that all day

he walks around with a dick like that in his pants all day, and you’re supposed to just ignore it?!

absolutely not

you especially like when he wears those hoochie daddy 5 inch inseam swim trunks, because you get to see where his skin gets a little paler and softer and it makes you get goosebumps at the thought of where it leads

those trunks are a treat usually, saved for a special occasion where he doesn’t have to be around his family and he can have you in his lap, hand trapped between your legs

let’s just say you two fuck like rabbits

two beautiful young adults, what else occupies your time?

it gets a little annoying for other people when you’re apart of their dinner party, because you’re always late, but then learn to just deal with it

it’s better to not have a sexually frustrated rafe cameron that accidentally stabs through his plate of rice and vegetables like that one time at the island club with your parents when you licked up a drop of lemon sauce from your chin and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head

decidedly not a great time or place to act like that

anyways,

i just think while yours’ and rafe’s relationship def has its ups and downs like all other relationships, your recovery period after an argument is remarkably high

you both know you’re not mad anymore, so it’s not worth it to be bad communicators and make it worse

at the end of the day, there’s always space for you in his bed, and he always welcomes you with a slap on the ass and a whisper of “we’re totally fucking in the shower tomorrow”

(and yes. you do)

notes: i hope this doesn’t seem to scatterbrained, i may or may not end up adjusting or editing this later to be closer to what i think would be him

#obx #obx 3 #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x fem!reader #rafe cameron flufff #rafe cameron smut #obx headcanon #rafe cameron headcanon #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron fanfic #obx fanfic #obx fanfiction

[mingirn]

only lovers alive

song mingi x reader

synopsis: you return back home after graduating college to a new relationship you have to navigate with your childhood best friend

warnings: smut, a lot of mentions of sexual acts, drinking, insecurities, jealousy, dirty talk, phone sex, sort of (very brief) exhibitionism, gender neutral reader

word count: 20,3k

notes: hello. i’ve had this sitting in my drafts for 1-2 years and saw a tweet that said ”i’d pick you up from the airport in every universe” and decided to let this out of jail bc of that. although the fic itself is inspired by this song. fic title comes from this song. i’m gonna schedule this to post while i’m asleep because i’m terrified to post after not being on here for such a long time. please be gentle with me >:(

It’s dark outside your window, but the streets are lit up by countless glimmering lights. Even though the day is turning into night, there’s still plenty of traffic. Beaming headlights join the streams of light from street lamps, and it’s just your apartment that is missing a glow from a lamp on its windowsill. You’ve got all yours packed up and sent away already, and you’re taking in the city for the last time.

”Are you going to miss it?” Mingis's voice is soft on the other end of the phone. You’ve got him on speaker, lying right next to you.

”I guess, yeah. It’s been nice, even though I haven’t spent much time exploring or enjoying the city.”

It’s true. You’ve just finished your last semester and finally graduated after moving hours away from your hometown to go to your dream school. It feels like eons since then, when you had to say tearful goodbyes to your friends and family and settle down in a cramped little dorm room. You’d been lucky enough to get student housing in your last year, a bigger place where you’d been living for the past two semesters. This city wasn’t just a stark difference to your hometown, it was the definition of complete and total opposite.

The town you grew up in was the type to hide, not really forgotten, just barely there. Small and tucked away between long stretches of forests and fields. You’d be blessed to live there your whole life, yet lucky to get away. You’d go home to visit during summer break and just bask in how simple life was back home, but beyond all, how it was still home to all the things you held most dear. Top of that list: Mingi.

”You’ll always be able to go back, maybe we can go during the summer and you can take me to that Chinese place you’ve talked so much about,” Mingi says. He’s starting to sound a little sleepy, and it’s a reminder that you should probably get to sleep soon. You’ve got an early flight to catch, then it’s just a span of a few hours separating you and Mingi. He’ll be coming to pick you up, so you suppose you better let him go too so he can get some sleep.

”You know I’d love that,” you smile, and slump down on your bed. ”I think we should head to bed though, maybe we should leave this future talk for some other time.”

He hums in agreement, and the line goes quiet for a minute. You can hear his breathing through the speaker, slow and steady. When you close your eyes it’s almost like he’s here.

”Hey, uh,” he begins, and he swallows audibly. ”Do you think it’s gonna be weird?”

Ah, there it is. You’ve almost been waiting, expecting, him to ask it.

”No, I don’t… It’s not like we haven’t seen each other since I moved away. We’ve spent almost all of the last three summers together, right?” you reason. It’s not really what Mingi is referring to, but you have to start somewhere. Soften him up, reassure him.

”Well yeah, yeah, I know. It’s just different because we weren’t doing those things then, and now it’s… well, different.”

”Mingi,” you say with firmness in your voice. ”It would only be different if you said and did all those things just because it was over the phone. If you didn’t mean any of it.”

Mingi takes another moment of silence, and you can imagine that he’s probably chewing nervously on his bottom lip. It makes you a bit nervous as well, the fact that you can’t see him. You’d always been so good at reading his face and figuring out what he was thinking. You need that more than ever now, the ability to read him, because so much has changed.

”I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said,” he says, and something about the words feels so heavy and serious, and he seems to realize it too. ”I really, really want to fuck you, not just over the phone.”

Mingis voice is normal when he says it, not a hint of underlying desire or desperation, but the words themselves send a flash of warmth through your body. It’s become regular at this point, this shift in your friendship. The first time you guys crossed over that invisible line had been under the influence of alcohol, you had come home drunk from the bar after celebrating good test results with some friends and Mingi had been celebrating getting a new job with your mutual friends back at home. It just sort of happened, you dialing his number and gushing about how much you missed him. The conversation went on for half an hour when you started trying to undress from your bar clothes and Mingi had asked what you were doing. He’d asked about what you were wearing, and what color your underwear was, then he informed you that he was just in his boxers, and for some reason you found yourself telling him about how sexually frustrated you had been lately in hopes that he’d offer help. And he did.

That first night it was quick and needy, neither of you initiated it, it just happened in perfect symbiosis. You checked the call log the day after and saw that you guys had been on the phone for hours, the last of which you had both eventually fallen asleep on call until your phone battery died. Tentatively, you had called him during the afternoon and asked him if he had any recollection of yesterday night's events. His voice had been raspy and breathy, throat raw from drinking and moaning, and you can still remember every inflection in the tone of his voice when he asked if you had liked it. That had been the start of it all, of an almost full year of phone sex, sexting, and swapping pictures.

”I’m glad to hear that,” you say, trying to sound just as casual even though you can feel butterflies swirl through your stomach. ”I really can’t wait, Mingi. Can’t wait to fuck you and can’t wait to see you, I’ve missed you so much.”

”I’ve missed you too… Get some sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow at the airport, just look for a handsome tall guy!”

You fall asleep with Mingis laugh ringing in your ears.

The next day, your plane lands at a far emptier airport than the one you’d set off from. It’s early in the day and the sun is high in the sky, occasionally passing behind weak and thin clouds. The air is so different out here than in the big city. The sounds are clearer, the people are kinder, and everything feels so much more simple here.

You sit on a hard airport bench and wait as your phone connects to the internet after having been turned off, seeing all your missed messages coming in. You’re just about to type up a response to Mingis ’You there?’ when a call from him pops up on the screen.

”Yeah, I’m here!” you chirp into the phone.

”’Here’ where? I’m just walking around and-”

”Mingi, you idiot, turn around!” you call out loud enough for him to hear it on the phone and in person, though he’s quite a distance away from you. You could recognize the back of his head anywhere, even though it’s short and bleached blond right now, it’s undeniably Mingi.

He spins around and spots you right away, making eye contact with you across the big, open space. Seeing Mingi in person for the first time in months washes away all nervosity, all the same as it stirs up a new sense of anticipation. You jump to your feet and you're both rushing towards each other, crashing together in a tight hug.

You find yourself closing your eyes, tucking your head into his chest, and inhaling his scent until it makes you lightheaded. He smells just like your Mingi, that same cologne he’s worn since he was 15, the same laundry detergent, and he smells faintly of sunscreen. It’s not the first time you’ve hugged him, not by a long shot, but it feels like the first time you’ve held him like this. Your arms around his middle, taking note of how big he feels in your hold, and you’re thinking about every little detail you’ve missed out on by being away from him. His warmth, his touch, his size, his voice.

”Hi there,” he murmurs, and his voice is so different up close. It’s deeper and darker, it reverberates through his chest. ”Was the flight okay?”

Something about the conversation he’s initiating makes you feel like now is the appropriate time to pull away, and that in turn has you questioning how appropriate that hug had been on your part. Mingi, however, feels cool as ice when he grabs hold of your bag and slings his arm around your shoulder to guide you out of the airport.

”Uh,” you begin, feeling a bit stumped. You continue, ”It was as good as you can expect, but the food sucked, I can’t wait to get home and eat my mom's cooking.”

”Tired of ramen and takeout?” he asks, chuckling.

”You could say that.”

You try to move on past your own weirdness. Mingi is normal and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be as well. Still, there’s a sort of buzz igniting under your skin from being in Mingi's presence again. You suppose it’s always like that, this initial excitement of seeing each other again and getting to update each other on all the things you’ve been up to while knowing you’ve got all the time in the world to hang out. But there’s this nagging voice at the back of your head that is frantically going through all the conversations you’ve had with Mingi on the phone. Late at night, underneath your covers, with Mingi moaning and speaking filth on the speaker. It doesn’t match up with the Mingi in front of you, the Mingi that has been your closest friend for years, and it makes you feel electric.

Mingi pops his trunk open and you load your bags into his car, then get inside and start the half-hour drive back to your hometown.

You only dare to steal little glances over at him. Watching him in the rearview mirror, seeing the sun set his brown eyes ablaze and paint his skin golden. His fingers strum along to the song on the radio on the steering wheel, he’s wearing a single ring on his right hand and his skin is already tanned even though summer has just begun. It’s almost like you’re meeting him all over again with the way you’re soaking in every inch of him, yet it’s forcefully clear to you that none of this is new. Perhaps that would have made it easier if he had just been a stranger where the slate was clean, but this is Mingi and there are things you’re both gonna need to navigate.

You’d foolishly expected that he’d lean in and steal at least a kiss but perhaps more right away, when you were still parked at the airport. More accurately, you had hoped so. It’s all you guys had been talking about for the past months, all the ways you’d want to ravage each other when you finally were face to face again. Apparently, Mingi thinks that can wait.

So you turn your head away, try not to look over at him or imagine his hand holding your thigh instead of the steering wheel. Instead, you focus your attention on the trees outside, and Talking Heads on the radio.

”Do you still like this song?” Mingi asks you. He takes a turn, and this is where the road gets lonesome and there’s more nature than buildings. The song playing is ’This Must be the Place’, and you know Mingi is asking because you’d been the one that bought him this CD for his birthday.

”I could never outgrow Talking Heads, you know that,” you smile at him. You’re starting to settle in now. The fields and the trees are so familiar, the air smells like your childhood, and Mingi is humming along to music you’ve listened to for years. You can do this, it’s not going to be weird, it’s still your best friend Mingi.

The ride back home starts to fill up with idle chatter. You’d think that you’d have run out of topics to talk about by now, seeing as you’d talk on the phone almost every day, but you still find new things to bring up. He parks his car in the driveway outside your house and helps you carry your luggage, all while giggling and joking with you.

It’s only been a year since you’ve been home, you hadn’t been able to come during Christmas, but that’s the longest stretch of time you’ve spent away from this very house. Not much has changed, your parents have kept your room exactly like you had left it, but something just feels different. It feels smaller, or you feel bigger. You catch a glimpse of Mingi in your doorway as you start unpacking your bags and for a second your abdomen flutters when you notice just how much of the door opening he can shield with his body. He has filled out a lot, and this shouldn’t be a surprise because you’d noticed it plenty of times before when you came home to visit. You suppose it’s not a surprise, but it’s the first time you’ve felt appreciation for it.

Of course, you had fantasized about his body since you entered his whole thing, and he had sent a lot of pictures that had helped you out with that, but seeing it in person is an entirely new ordeal. You feel your face heat up as your mind flicks through memories of pictures he’s sent you of himself naked, knowing what he looks like underneath his clothes. You have to wonder if Mingis mind is running in the same circles, if he’s as hyperaware of your skin as you are of his, and how he’s able to contain himself as well as he does if that’s the case. You hardly can’t.

”So,” Mingi begins. Your stomach lurches and plunges every time he pauses between words, fearing what may come next. Maybe this is when he breaks your heart and tells you he can’t do what you’ve been speaking about, that it’s just not the same when you’re face to face. You try to seem unbothered by your racing thoughts and decide to hear him out first. He continues, ”Uh, what now? Do you need any more help?”

”No, I’m all good, Mingi,” You’re rifling through clothes and belongings, lining them up on your bed. You can physically feel him behind you in your room as if he’s radiating this electricity and warmth that has your skin tingling.

”Maybe I should get going then. You know, to let you settle in.” You can hear him shift his weight between his feet. It suddenly feels unbearably awkward and strained between you two, and you know that if you keep your back to him it will only get worse. You need to face this head-on, cut through the tension, or at least pretend like the heavy atmosphere isn’t weighing you down.

You don’t want to let Mingi leave like this, without either one of you addressing things. If he leaves like this, with things unspoken and forgotten, the next time you see him it will be like nothing has ever happened. He’ll be right next to you but somehow further away than ever.

You guess you shouldn’t have expected to jump each other's bones the second you saw each other. Maybe that was unrealistic, but it had just felt that way on the phone. You suppose this is more natural, maybe you just have to stick it out until you’re used to being in the same room.

This Mingi in front of you is an entire world different than the one you’d grown up with. Despite the fact that everything is the same, that he’s in your childhood room and the sun is shining through the window just the same. The beam of light illuminates him directly, making his tan skin radiate.

You’re admiring him when he steps forward and closes the distance between you. Only the birds are singing outside your window, but in the total silence of your room, you can hear Mingi suck in a shaky breath before he leans forward and kisses you.

Time stills, the earth feels like it’s tilting or tipping, as if the very makeup of the universe is now irreversibly changed. Mingis mouth is warm and gentle but he’s keeping a pressure that has your mind whirling, just the way he’s kissing you with so much intent. You’re both breathing heavily and the air escaping his nose is so sweet that you can’t stop yourself from inhaling as much as possible, dizzying yourself to consume every bit of him that you can.

He’s already close, but he shuffles even nearer without breaking apart from the kiss. You can now feel his body against yours and Mingi moves his hands up to hold each side of your head, keeping you in place as he kisses and licks into your mouth. For some reason you’re so very present inside your head, thinking about each little detail of the way he kisses, reminding yourself to remember this moment forever.

You can feel when he starts to pull away so you chase after him, deepening the kiss for another second before he parts from it entirely. He’s just as breathless as you are, and there’s something in Mingi's eyes that you’ve never seen before. He focuses on your lips and leans in for another kiss that ends a moment too quickly.

Mingis hand ruffles your hair up, and his voice is laced with a laugh when he says a drawn-out ’bye’ and leaves your room.

You can feel your heartbeat in your throat, can hear the blood pumping and wooshing from it all the way through your body, throughout each delicate vein in your ears. Your lips are tingling when you reach up to touch them, almost in disbelief at the fact that Mingi had just been kissing you right there. Your mouth is slick with his spit, and your finger moves cardinally to gather it up and plunge into your mouth so you can savor it.

You fall down on the bed, staring up at your ceiling, and close your eyes to relive the kiss as you imagine what it will be like the next time you see Mingi.

Almost a full week passes until you see him again. Your family practically swarms you for the first few days, your parents being overjoyed to have you back invite your grandparents to welcome you home and your favorite aunt comes to see you with your two young cousins. You get unpacked quickly enough, when you manage to find time between family visits and long drawn-out meals, and before you know it five days have passed. Mingi stays busy too though, he sends a few occasional texts about work and though he lives right across from you, you never even catch a glimpse of him.

Sometimes you lay in your bed at night and feel your heart race up at the thought that there is only a few yards of grass and asphalt road between the two of you. It’s a massive change from the last three years when you had been miles and miles apart. Now, it feels almost like you can sense him. Just across the street, breathing and shuffling in bed. You can picture him so well, long eyelashes resting against his cheekbone, his skin flushed from sleep, his long limbs tangled up in a thin blanket. Your hand slips inside your underwear with a hot fire fueled by embarrassment and insecurity burning in your stomach.

Your imagination moves between recollections of words he’s spoken and pictures he’s sent, to the image of him in his bed right now. He’s so very close, but so very unaware of how much that precise fact affects you. Each day away from him only tightens the strings in your body and you grow more frustrated that you haven’t actualized any of the promises you’d made on the phone. At the same time, you find yourself quietly thankful for the imposed distance. Mingi isn’t even here, but he still has such an impact on you that it has you rushedly getting yourself off with your face buried in your pillow to keep quiet.

You’re so deeply affected by all this, while Mingi is fine. You’re the one busy, but when Mingi comes home from work and has some downtime he doesn’t even text to see if you can spend time. Seemingly, he doesn’t care to find out when you can see each other again.

On day six you’re sitting in your garden with your mom and aunt. Your cousins are playing in the grass in front of you and calling for your attention. The sun is high and hot in the sky, and Mingis car has been home for a few hours. You’ve checked your phone multiple times to make sure it’s not on silent, or if you’ve somehow missed a text from him, but it’s been quiet all day.

Then, a car pulls up to Mingi's house. You recognize it in an instant, it’s Yunhos old Camaro that he had inherited from his dad when he got his license, the same car he’d posted a thousand pictures of on social media. He had even let you drive it for an entire block two summers ago. The paint job has sparkles of blue in it that glimmer in the sun, and you somehow feel like it’s taunting you. The front door of Mingis house opens and he emerges in a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt that he has cut the sleeves off of, and he’s got a pair of sunglasses sitting on his face. A feeling worse than rejection rushes through you when Yunho rolls down the window and waves to you, finally prompting Mingi to also notice you sitting there.

Mingi raises his hand to wave but the movement is cut shorter than Yunho's enthusiastic full-bodied gesture. Mingi gets in the car and the engine roars as Yunho drives away. The warm air feels bittersweet when it’s filled by the smell of exhaust fumes.

That night you’re lying in bed and you’re inching close to sleep when your room lights up for a second. In the haze of sleep, you assume it to be the headlights of a car, but it happens again until the stream of light persists entirely and you finally get up to look outside your window. It’s clear instantly where it’s coming from because Mingi is hanging halfway out his window with a flashlight in his hand.

Though he’s quite a distance away, you can see him well enough to tell that he’s shirtless and his hair is messy, but your focus is pulled from that to trying to decode what gesture he’s making with his hand. You shrug, and he disappears from his window for a few seconds before he pops back with his phone and starts pointing to it.

You search for your phone and open it to find 4 missed calls from Mingi. His contact picture pops up on your phone and you hurry to answer.

”What the fuck, Mingi?” you whisper into your phone.

”Were you sleeping?” he chuckles, and you can see his shoulders shake with laughter. Every little bit of this makes you want to hang up, or scream, or march right over to his house and have a go at him. How dare he go days without speaking to you, then call you up in the middle of the night and laugh as if you haven’t been in agony this past week? How dare he kiss you breathless in this very room and make no attempts at reliving it?

”No, I was just about to fall asleep!” you huff.

”Why are you whispering?” Mingi asks.

”Because my parents are asleep, dumbass.”

”Hm,” he ponders. ”So that would be a no if I asked you to sneak out and come over?”

You hope he doesn’t hear your breath hitch at the thought that he wants you to come over in the middle of the night.

”Of course, it’s a no! My mom is already peeved because of Yunho coming by earlier today. She hates how loud that car is. She’s gonna think you’re a bad influence, riding around in that and making me sneak out.”

”Imagine her reaction when she finds out you drove that car before you got your license, and I wasn’t even there. It was all Yunho,” Mingi jokes.

”Shut up! God, my mom has been warning me about him for years. She used to be convinced I was going to end up with him and it was her biggest nightmare,” you say. Your window is cracked to let in some air now that it’s cooler outside. The night is quiet, and all you can hear is Mingi breathing at the other end of the call. It’s quiet for a moment, and you can see that Mingis face is scrunched up.

”You and Yunho?” he scoffs. ”Why would she think that?”

”I don’t know, it’s not like she had any reason to. She’s just weird like that, you know how my mom is.”

It’s silent yet again, Mingi just sighing.

Your stomach does a somersault when a thought strikes you and you have to ask, ”You’re not jealous, are you?”

”Jealous? Of- of Yunho?” Mingi laughs breathlessly. You just hum, and you can’t take your eyes off of him where he’s sitting in his window. Mingi sucks in a deep breath and regains his voice, ”I have no reason to be jealous of him when I’m the one with your nudes in my phone.”

Something about that makes you curl up on yourself, suddenly feeling very shy that you’re only in your underwear and a thin old tank top. It brings up another thought that has plagued you. The pictures you’d sent were all meticulously posed and manipulated to be as appealing as possible. It had been your body, yes, but the most perfect version of it possible. Here, in your pajamas with your skin glistening from sweat, hunched over yourself, you hardly think Mingi can find any resemblance between the picture-perfect version and the one in front of his eyes.

”Oh yeah?” you murmur. You can’t let him see you falter, can’t let him call your bluff. You straighten your back and pretend to be more interested in something under your nails. ”You could have a lot more than just pictures, you know.”

Mingi lets out a noise that’s somewhere between a moan and a breath, just audible enough for his phone to pick it up.

”Fuck, look at me,” he says, and you do. You just do.

Mingi stands up, keeping his phone pressed to his ear with one hand while his free hand moves in a long, slow caressing motion down his upper body. It’s your turn to feel jealous now, stupidly jealous of Mingis own hands for getting to touch him. His fingers reach the waistband of his boxers and you nervously stop breathing as you imagine them dipping inside. His hand moves just a bit further down though, where Mingi wraps his entire palm around his dick.

”Can you see that?” he asks. He uses his hand to move his hard cock under the light material of his underwear, making sure to jut his hips out towards the moonlight so you can see every second of his show.

”I can see you, oh my god. Are you out of your mind? Mingi, what if-”

”No one’s around, no one’s gonna see except for you,” he assures you. You lick your lips, thinking back to what Mingis mouth had tasted like.

”You’re crazy,” you whisper to him.

”You make me crazy,” he says with a smirk. ”Would you lift your shirt up for me?”

Your fingers have dug into your thigh without you noticing until now that Mingi is directing attention to your body. There’s so much tension inside your body that your breathing feels labored as if there are coils fastened inside you and everything Mingi says and does tighten up every bit of your internal structure. He has you feeling lightheaded with words alone.

Sensing your hesitance, Mingi speaks again. ”You don’t have to, I just really want to see you.”

The last sentence has you moving without thinking, getting up on your knees on the seat under your window. You take a quick glance around the street and in the windows of nearby neighbors. The whole world is asleep, only you and Mingi are awake.

You use your free hand to pull your tank top as high as possible, exposing your stomach and chest to Mingi who has stopped touching himself and is keeping razor-sharp focus on you.

”You-… Thank you, you’re gorgeous, do I ever tell you that?” Mingi’s voice is low and hushed. Until now he has sounded loud and confident, and if you didn’t know any better you would think that Mingi has gotten shy. He probably didn’t expect you to follow through with his request.

You haven’t spoken in minutes and you’re not sure if you could make any noise without it coming out as a whine, but luckily Mingi speaks up once more.

”Can you get into bed? I’m gonna lay down, please join me, please, would you touch yourself with me?” Mingi pleas. He waits a second for the words to register, for you to spring into action before he does so himself. Part of you wants to stay and keep drinking in the sight of his body, but the expectations of what he’s going to have you doing has you obeying his words.

”I’m in bed now,” your voice is still hushed, and there’s a layer of excitement in it that brings on a wave of embarrassment.

”I am too, I’m gonna- I’m taking my underwear off. It’s been so long, I just need to…” Mingi trails off. His end of the call is muffled, and a little distorted, and you can hear him shuffling to get his boxers off.

”It’s been so long since what?” you ask to clarify.

”Since we last did this, since I last came…” he answers. Fuck.

”Have you not been cumming since we last had phone sex?”

Mingi quiets down for a second before he lets out a breathy laugh.

”Have you?” he asks with a tone in his voice you can’t make out, but it has your cheeks heating up and your entire body running ice cold.

You turn silent now, but it’s clear from how Mingi is laughing under his breath that he doesn’t need an answer from you to know the truth.

”Oh my god. Well, tell me then, how many times have you made yourself cum since our last call?” Mingi asks. He sounds so cocky, so full of himself that you don’t know whether to roll your eyes or shove your hand between your legs and revel in this stupidly hot version of Mingi.

”Maybe two or three times,” you mumble, hoping that he doesn’t catch it.

”Let's just pretend I believe that. What have you been thinking about?”

You whine, feeling your entire body surge with shame and humiliation. Despite all of it, you’ve bunched up your blanket between your legs and without thinking about it you’ve started rutting against it slowly.

”Mingi, please…”

”Tell me.”

”I think about you. I always do. I’ve been thinking about that kiss, and-…” Your thought is interrupted by a sound on the other end of the line, along with Mingis soft hums. ”Mingi, are you jacking off to me telling you I fantasize about you?”

”I’m jacking off to your voice,” he says so matter of fact it knocks the air out of you. He continues, ”The fact that it’s about me only makes it better.”

”Oh my god,” you sigh, closing your eyes and letting your hand move where you need it most. Mingis voice is sweet and gentle as he moans with each stroke, and his phone is so close to his mouth you’re tricked into believing he’s right next to you, breathing and huffing.

”I wish you were here right now,” he says, sort of under his breath, a little quiet. It feels a little secretive when he says it, like when you were younger and he would have you turn your back to him as he did the same. With your backs pressed together, he would tell you all his deepest secrets, and when you’d turn around again you would both pretend like nothing had happened. It’s a memory you have replayed a lot more recently than ever before, just due to how similar it feels to this arrangement you have with Mingi. As long as you aren’t faced with each other, as long as your backs are turned you can do and say whatever you want.

Instead of sulking about it, you force yourself to play along.

”I do too, I need you so bad,” you whisper, and none of it is a lie.

”Need to see you cum for me, fuck, I need you to make me cum,” he moans. It echoes through your entire head, that moan and those words, and it has you rolling onto your back and pulling your underwear down your legs so you can touch yourself properly.

”You’ll make me cum just by saying that, Mingi,” you say, pathetically so. Something about Mingi has you reaching the edge faster than anything else.

”Fuck, me too. Just hearing you say my name is enough to make me cum right now. I’ve never felt this fucking good,” Mingi groans.

”Mingi,” you let out again, out of pure instinct. ”Mingi, please give me permission to cum, I need it, please!”

He does, in a string of words and breathless moans he allows you to cum with him. Your orgasm rolls through your entire body in a blinding flash, and by the time it’s over you can’t gauge if multiple minutes or just a few seconds have passed. Your phone is pressed so tight to your ear that pearls of sweat coat the screen.

”You there?” Mingis voice is raspy, all fucked out.

You come to, clearing your throat, ”I’m here, sorry. Holy shit.”

”What are you doing tomorrow?” he asks. You don’t have time to feel overjoyed or even finish your train of thought (of oh, fuck, it’s finally happening) before Mingi continues, ”Yunho’s throwing this… thing, at his house. There’s gonna be a barbeque, we’re gonna get drinks, and he says it’s going to be chill but you know how he is. It’s gonna end up being a party by the end of the night.”

You’re staring up at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers Mingi helped you set up when you were 15, and the answer is so obvious you don’t have to think about it.

”Yeah, I’ll go with you,” you respond.

”Well… I’ll take you, but maybe we shouldn’t make it too obvious when we’re there. All of our friends will be there, maybe it’s best to lay low?”

You clench your eyes shut. It makes you want to scream so loud it’d pierce your wall and travel across the street and through to his bedroom. A week ago he had been so concerned about things turning weird between you two and you’d written it off as a worry about your friendship, about how things would change after all the words and naked pictures you had exchanged. You hadn’t considered for a second that Mingi would be concerned for his reputation.

”Yeah,” you mutter. ”No, yeah, you’re right.”

”Okay then,” he says, so cheerily that you feel shame wash over you. ”I’ll pick you up tomorrow at five then?”

You hum in response and swap goodbyes before he ends the call and the beeps ring through your ear.

Your sleep that night is weighed down by a worry you can't dispel even after you wake up. You hardly feel rested, and your parent's voices barely register when they speak to you at breakfast. A lot of thoughts linger in your head, unshakeable doubts about whether things with Mingi are really going to be as okay as you had thought when you were in school.

Things had felt so much simpler then, like this steadfast belief that it would be just as it had always been. You had returned every single summer and were able to pick back up your friendship with Mingi with no trouble, despite all the months you had spent apart.

At least you would get to see all your friends again. Summer being in full swing would mean that everyone would be at their happiest, most free, possibly stupid, and risky behavior.

The day passes by sluggishly, you're merely counting down the hours. You try to read a book while lying in the sun in your backyard, but find that the words just flow together. You check your phone and see the half-hour call in your log from yesterday night, you’re just staring at Mingi's name and contact picture. It's just letters and numbers on a screen, but it's also a journal of your entire relationship. You can go back and see every single one, remember where things had started and where things had escalated. It took you weeks to send the first suggestive pictures to each other and they had been modest back then. A picture of your dark silhouette in the mirror, and Mingi replying with a blurry picture of his thighs in the dark of his room.

It's just another reminder that what you've got with Mingi is all contained in this piece of technology you can fit in your hand. Nothing is real or tangible, except for a few minutes of kissing. That's all you've got that counts as something; Mingi kissing you in your childhood bedroom for a few very good minutes before departing and ignoring you for days.

The kiss lives vividly in your head as you shower and get dressed.

You're sitting on your windowsill and watching the clock tick closer to five when the front door of Mingis house opens and he walks outside. He's got a pair of sunglasses on that he lifts off of his nose to peek up at your window, and when he spots you he waves and motions for you to come down.

You float down the stairs and out your door. The air is light and breezy outside despite the way the sun has been beaming down all day. Mingi is dressed in yet another shirt that shows off his arms, the slight tan line from his work t-shirt that he tries to even out is obvious to you up close and you squeeze his arm to tease him for it.

Both of you sit down in his car. The windows are rolled down to let air flow through and Mingi sets the car stereo to a low volume so you can faintly hear Tears for Fears play in the background. The engine hums pleasantly in comparison to Yunhos Camaro when Mingi starts the car. You watch his hands, waiting for him to shift the stick into first gear, but it doesn't happen.

Instead, time moves in both directions, very slowly but all too quickly as he wraps his hand around the back of your head and pulls you in for a kiss. Every single thought that has plagued you throughout the day vanishes the second his lips are on yours. It's replaced by the fact that these same lips had moaned your name less than 24 hours ago, that he had sounded so desperate when he told you he wished you were there.

Mingi deepens the kiss this time, letting it go on for longer than last time. When you have to part from it to take a breath Mingi trails his kisses from the corner of your mouth to under your ear. The kisses are chaste, barely there, but every single one leaves your skin tingling.

He doesn't return to your lips, he pulls back and regains his breath and his smile is so cocky when he reverses the car out of the driveway. You can't help but giggle then, and Mingi turns up the volume to let the music blare through the entire car. This is the Mingi you've missed, the one that drives through your neighborhood and ignores all the grouchy people who turn around and stare disgruntedly. He sings along too loudly, straining his voice to hit notes that sound awful even though you know that he's a great singer.

Everything feels as it always has when you pull up to Yunhos house and there are cars parked up and down the street. Mingi parks and as you're unbuckling your belt you see him look in the rearview mirror, grooming his hair and then wiping his mouth to remove your lip balm. It stings for a second but you don't let it persist. You just get out of his car and the two of you walk towards Yunhos backyard.

There is a voice in the back of your head that reminds you of the distance Mingi puts between you, this very conscious measurement that would leave no doubt for all your friends that you're strictly platonic. You push that away too, and make way towards all your old school friends instead. Seonghwa is the first to pull you into a hug, and it's all you need for the bubble to burst on all your worries.

Soon enough you're all laughing, the backyard is quickly filling with people and Yunho is having a hard time keeping up with all the people demanding a burger. The afternoon air smells just like high school, and the cheap alcohol mixed in the punch is just like the one you used to drink back then. The only difference is that everyone looks so much older, and the conversations have switched from homework, crushes, and drama to future plans and jobs.

"So what now?" Seonghwa asks you when a few hours have passed and the sun is setting. It's not getting dark, the sun is just changing from blue to lilac. You turn to him, feeling the way the alcohol has affected your vision, the way it's swimming a bit.

"What now?" you ask.

"I mean, are you back for good? Are you gonna settle down, get a job, do the whole small-town thing?" he jokes, but the question he poses is a valid one.

"Hm," you ponder for a second, looking up at the sky as if an answer is gonna rain down on you. "I guess I don't know. I need to get a job, but I'll give myself the summer to figure it out. It feels like the last one before things truly.. you know.."

"Change," Seonghwa interjects. "Before we truly grow up."

The conversation quiets for a moment before you both burst into laughter.

"Jesus, we always get so somber, don't we?" Seonghwa laughs.

"Remember prom? We went out for some air and you couldn't stop talking about the universe because you looked up at the stars for a second," you say.

"I don't remember that, I just remember Hongjoong going off on me because I teared up and ruined the makeup he spent an hour doing on me," Seonghwa recollects. You could remember that. You also remembered the eyeshadow Hongjoong had smeared across Mingis's eyelid, the messy dark brown he had lined his eyes with because Mingi refused to stay still for too long.

None of you had brought any dates that night, your entire friend group had decided to just go together and spend the night dancing with each other. When you had gotten a dance with Mingi towards the end of the night his makeup had started running and you had brushed your thumb under his eye. Nothing about that action or the dance, or the night as a whole, had been close to romantic. He had just been Mingi, the same Mingi as always, he walked you home that night with his arm around your shoulder just like he had every day after school.

It's only with the wisdom of hindsight you can identify little actions to speak otherwise. You can't recall what Sans eyes had looked like when you danced with him, but you remember in great detail how the lights had twinkled in Mingi's irises. All you remember from your dance with Wooyoung is that his hands had been too sweaty to hold, but you can go back in your memory to when Mingi had leaned his head on your shoulder and sang along softly to the song that was playing.

"What is it like when you talk to Mingi?" Seonghwa pulls you out of your thoughts. You don't know when your eyes close, but when you open them again the sky is starting to burn a vibrant pink.

"Well... I don't know. It's good. We talk about all sorts of things," you try to sound matter of fact, very casual. Reminding yourself of Mingis words, lay low.

"Yeah, you must," Seonghwa remarks, a chuckle sounding through his voice. It has you turning to him, eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"Meaning?" you question.

"Just that there must be substance to your conversations, seeing as Mingi excuses himself from every night out when you call," he says.

"Yeah," you attempt to brush it off as a meaningless piece of information, but it feels like a lot more. You didn't know Mingi would rush home to talk to you.

Seonghwa hums, and your eyes are pulled to the ground where you've been digging your heel into the grass.

"I guess you guys have always been closer than the rest of us. Living across from each other, being childhood friends, all that," he says. There's no hidden meaning or intention behind his words, you know Seonghwa well enough to deduct that, but it still feels like he's trying to catch you out.

"Yeah," you repeat, absent-mindedly. "Suppose so."

Seonghwas mouth twitches a little as if he wants to say something else, but he keeps it shut. You're thankful, because even if he can read between the lines of your and Mingi's strange relationship, the fact that he doesn't say it out loud serves as reassurance to you. It's the same thin veil that you and Mingi drape yourselves in. Unspoken meaning unchanged.

A friend comes over and offers to top off your and Seonghwas glasses, and you decide to get up on your feet and move on from the sudden gloom that took over.

The music is loud and the air gets chillier as the clouds twist amongst pink and orange. You’re talking to Yunho and telling him the story about your mom's disapproval of his car when he notices your shoulders quiver with the drop in temperature. He fetches one of his flannels for you, helping you thread your arms through and telling you that you need another drink to warm up. Yunho makes you something stronger than the diluted punch, and it goes to your head with haste.

It does warm you up, and it pulls you from reality a little. It’s easier to laugh along with Yunhos jokes this way, without thinking about the tension between you and Mingi. It feels good and safe to just be worriless, to feel the wind in your hair and be surrounded by the sound of your friend's voices mixing together.

Your legs are getting wobblier, but Yunho catches you before you fall and he lets you stay posted against him.

You’re just watching the conversation your friends are having without joining in when you feel two hands on your waist. You don’t have to look back to know that it’s Mingi. The smell of his cologne is familiar enough to alert you.

”I think I better get them home,” Mingis voice is warm and round behind your ear. For a second you feel a little bitter, you kind of want to shake his hands off of you and scoff at him because he’s intervening just when you’re truly starting to enjoy yourself without spending a single thought on him. Is that not what he wanted? You’re keeping the secret, you’re not drawing any eyes towards you two. He’s doing that all on his own.

Had it been three years ago, you think your friends had been protesting your leave. You’re all grown up now though, and everyone is understanding when Mingi wraps his arm around your waist, and you both wave goodbye.

Mingi helps you into his car. Tears for Fears is still playing when he turns the car on and starts driving, and you feel a sort of agitation that you can’t place. He doesn’t speak a single word for a minute or two, and the mood inside the car is unbearable.

”I don’t think anyone could tell,” you say. Mingis face is bare of emotion, and you find yourself with an urge to placate him. ”We did well, don’t you think? I didn’t make anything obvious.”

You don’t know what response you expect to get from Mingi, but there’s a palpable shock within you when he pulls the car over to the side of the road and turns to you.

”What?” you ask. Mingis eyes soften when they flick over your entire body, to then end up at your face.

”Did you really.. worry about that?” Mingi wonders softly.

”Huh? I thought-… Yes, I worried about it, because you did. I mean, you told me we needed to lay low.” You’re starting to get thoroughly confused and frustrated.

”I know, but I didn’t think you’d drink so much and cuddle up to Yunho because of it,” Mingi says, his tone quickly working up to a sharpness you’ve never heard in him before.

”Drink so much?” you gasp. ”I was just having fun! It had nothing to do with you! Not everything is about you, Mingi, or about us. I don’t worry about it as much as you do. Believe it or not.”

”I don’t worry about it,” Mingi sounds accused.

”Clearly you do though. You take me to this party and give me instructions on how to behave, then spend the whole time ignoring me. Just like you did all of last week. Clearly, you have to feel ashamed, or- or…” you trail off, feeling your voice crack. Mingi sucks in a deep breath and leans closer, putting his hand on your knee.

”Please,” he urges, and there’s something in his voice that breaks your heart. ”Please, don’t think I could ever be ashamed of you.”

”Then what, Mingi?” you ask quietly, starting to feel yourself break now. Tears are starting to well up and cloud your vision. You continue, ”Do you just not want me? I get if it’s different when we’re face to face, I know it might not be what you expected, I understand if you don’t find me-”

”Stop it!” Mingi is almost shouting now, startling you. ”It’s nothing like that, you have to believe me. Stop saying these things.”

His hand lifts from your knee to hold your face where he wipes away a tear from your cheek. You don’t know what to say, even though there’s a part of you that wants to keep insisting. Mingi isn’t offering any kind of explanation or even an excuse, he’s not saying anything to quell your worries, and his hands on you are not enough.

”Kiss me. Please,” you whisper. There’s more you want to say, like prove it, prove that you want me. Kiss me and mean it.

”I’m not going to kiss you when you’re drunk and I’m sober,” Mingi says, offering up a solemn smile.

”I’m not though,” you argue. This entire conversation has been sobering. You’re still tipsy, your head feels a little heavy and your vision is still floating but you think you can blame it on your tears as much as you can blame it on alcohol.

”Well, you’re drunk enough that I don’t feel comfortable kissing you.” Mingis thumb strokes over your cheek to comfort you. It’s enough to calm you a little, because that you can take. You don’t think you’d want to kiss him either if the roles had been reversed.

”Okay,” you mutter. ”Are you sure it’s not because you don’t want me?”

Mingi sighs, ”We’ll talk about it tomorrow when you’re not-”

”I’m not drunk, Mingi.”

”Okay, okay. But I still want to do this tomorrow, when we’re both thinking clearly. We’re just misunderstanding each other, and this isn’t how I wanted it to go,” he tells you. He leans forward and kisses the top of your head instead, just above your hairline. It must be calculated on his part, to kiss you where your skin can’t feel the warmth of his lips.

”Okay,” you say again. This time Mingi lets out a little laugh at your dissatisfaction.

He starts the car back up and takes off to go home, leaving his hand on your thigh throughout the drive. When he pulls up to his house and you get out of the car your legs feel like jelly, and you realize you’re probably not as sober as you’d like to believe.

”Mingi?” you ask. He rushes to your side to hold you up, though that’s not what you meant. ”Can I sleep here tonight? You know how my mom is, she’d flip if she saw me-”

”I wasn’t planning on letting you go home like this, don’t worry,” he laughs.

So, with his arm around your waist, Mingi guides you inside and up the stairs to his room. It’s dark and you have to remind yourself to be quiet to not wake Mingi's family. While he leaves the room to fetch another blanket you sit down on his bed and look around his room.

It’s been a while since you’ve been here but not much has changed. You know for a fact that Mingi is still just as entertained by his action figures now as he had been at 13. It makes you laugh to see them all lined up on his shelf, right next to a couple of books that you had gifted him. He had forced his way through a couple of them and called you to complain about every choice the main character made.

You’re comforted by how much of his room remains the same. This is a place where you can remember and picture Mingi. By his big stereo, switching CD’s. Cutting out pictures of his friends to add to his collage wall.

Mingi comes back to his room with a blanket and a pillow that he throws next to you on the bed.

You’re watching his every move. When his eyes land on you he lets out a sound you can only read as disgust.

”Of course he gave you that,” he complains, more to himself than to you.

You can’t help but follow his line of sight though, finding that he’s looking at Yunhos flannel shirt.

”What’s so bad about it?” you wonder. Being under Mingis gaze always fills you with a sort of insecurity that has you twisting and turning.

”It's like, his move. Lending out his shirt. And then letting you lean on him like that..” Mingi mutters.

”Why would Yunho ever pull a move on me?” you ask incredulously.

”For the same reason I would, I assume,” he says. ”You’re really hot.”

A heat rushes to your abdomen and you can’t meet Mingis eyes anymore. Today has left you feeling anything but desired by him, but you don’t think he’s lying right now. He wouldn’t lie about finding you hot just minutes after refusing to kiss you.

”It wouldn’t matter what Yunho thinks of me. Like you said last night, you’re the one who has my nudes. Right?” you say.

Mingi sits down next to you, looking at his hands in his lap instead of at you.

”What if he wanted more than just your nudes?” he asks. This, too, feels like he’s asking himself the question. And you don’t know what to answer.

You don’t think Yunho poses any threat whatsoever, he’s just friendly and flirty by nature. But you let yourself think about what Mingi is implying for a second. What if he - or anyone else - would want more of you than Mingi does? Someone who could offer you a relationship that wouldn’t require secrecy. Someone who would bring you around his friends and hold your hand for everyone to see. Someone who would properly date you and want a relationship, as opposed to dirty phone sex at odd hours of the night.

You realize you’d always pick Mingi above all that, no matter if you had to have him only partially. If he was never yours.

You open your mouth to respond but shut it again when you can’t find the right words.

Mingi looks over at you. He speaks, ”Can’t you take it off?”

”Take it off of me,” you whisper back.

His mouth twitches into a small smile.

”It’d be a lot sexier if I wasn’t taking Yunhos clothes off of you the first time I undress you,” he still sounds displeased, but his hands work the shirt off of you anyways. He discards it to the floor, as far away as it can come.

”These are all mine,” you say, meaning the clothes you have on. ”You can take those off.”

Mingi lets out a drawn-out breath, something to collect himself. His hands pause at the hem of your top even though you’ve already given consent, waiting for you to nod until he starts pulling it over your head.

Silence permeates in Mingis bedroom as he continues undressing you. It’s just the wind rustling his curtains that disrupts the quiet. He guides you to lie down so he can unbutton your shorts to take them off. His hands are so gentle and his touch is soft, when he has finished taking your socks off and all your clothes are on the floor except for your underwear he leans down and presses a sweet kiss right above your knee.

”Take yours off too, please,” you say softly. He’s not quite as delicate with himself, he doesn’t make a show of it. You can’t help but stare though, trying to really commit this to memory since it’s the very first time you’re seeing him strip for you, even if you know it won’t be followed up with all the things you’ve talked about on the phone.

Your eyes flick all over him, down his toned arms and up his torso as he pulls his shirt over his head, across his broad chest. You watch his fingers work the button on his shorts open, revealing his dark underwear. He’s not hard, at least not fully, and it’s strangely intimate to be so close to his dick for the first time but not in a sexual manner. Everything about it makes your heart feel heavy, you’re somehow aware of each pump of it, how it’s speeding up at the mere sight of Mingi.

Mingi, your Mingi, that hasn’t ever been yours. Not really, not properly, but still somehow.

You want him on top of you so bad, to finally feel him in the ways you’ve dreamt about for a full year. Instead, Mingi climbs in bed with you and pulls you close.

He is soft and warm in all the spots your bodies are connected and intertwined. You fall asleep to the sounds of his breath coming out slow and steady.

You wake to a breeze of air over your face. At first, all you can hear is the chirps of birds outside and the distant noise of cars driving around. You don’t need to open your eyes to know that it’s the middle of the day, the sun is bright in that midday way, bright enough that there isn’t a total blackness even when you screw your eyes shut further.

You just turn around and try to escape from it by burying your face into the pillow. The texture of the pillow feels strange and unfamiliar, and the more you come to you realize it also doesn’t smell like your bedding. It smells like Mingi, you realize, and shoot up in a startle.

You don’t have time to wonder why the bed is empty next to you, because you can hear steps on the stairs and seconds later the bedroom door creaks open. Through a squint you can see Mingi in the same state you remember him falling asleep. In just his underwear he walks up to the bed and sets down a glass of water and a plate, before petting his hand over your hair.

”Good morning,” he greets you, smiling big.

”Mm, yeah,” you hum back, still drowsy. It’s far more comfortable to let your eyes close again and just lean into Mingi's affection.

”You okay? Are you hungover?” Mingi asks.

”Yeah, but not from drinking,” you murmur. ”It’s from you yelling at me.”

”I wasn’t yelling!” There’s an undertone to his voice, an actual worry and fear that you’d be feeling a certain way today after last night's conversation.

”I know you weren’t, Mingi. I’m just messing with you, I remember every bit of that conversation,” you assure him. He lets out a sigh of relief, his thumb stroking over your temple.

”That was going to be my next question,” he tells you. ”So you remember the whole night then?”

You nod your head under his hand.

”Do you want to talk about it?” he asks you.

The question stabs at something inside your sternum. Of course, you want to talk, in reality, there are a thousand times you’ve held yourself back from saying to him and there would be nothing more freeing than telling Mingi all of it. There’s just never a time and place for it though and you’ve come to terms that there never will be. It would take astronomical changes to allow you to say what you want. Yes, Mingi, I’m in love with you and probably have been all my life. Mingi, it took us sexting to make me realize you’re the only one I could ever picture myself with.

You had of course let yourself fantasize a couple of times, but the details of any imaginary and hypothetical relationship between you two would quickly obscure, and Mingi was often a perpetrator in that. It would present itself on days when you lived in the afterglow of a nighttime call. You’d walk on clouds with the memories of Mingi moaning your name, then check social media and be greeted with photos of him with his arm around your lifelong friends and strangers you would get nauseous picturing Mingi talking to. Your name wouldn’t even come up in conversation, he’d appear single to them because after all, he was.

So you wouldn’t often entertain the idea of being something more. You’d just treat it as a passing thought, boil it down to what it was, a neuronal connection gone to grief.

You guess you had hoped to see something in Mingi to completely deny these thoughts. Like, a first kiss that you wouldn’t be able to break away from. Or the moment you finally have sex for the first time and it being this out-of-body experience that ends with both of you crying and confessing your love. Like a scene out of a movie.

You could even have survived the opposite. If the first kiss had gone sour and the spark died before it even ignited. At the very least, you would have an answer to all your questions. Instead of being tethered to this middle ground where there’s an undeniable passion and need for each other, but a considerable distance keeping you apart.

Though there were things you’d want to say, there are none you could verbalize.

”I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” you say, finally. To convince Mingi of this, you open your eyes and roll onto your back so you can look at him. He looks unconvinced, so you continue, ”I think I was just confused and upset. I don’t know why. Maybe because you’ve barely spoken to me since I came back home. I had just… expected more.”

You find yourself surprised that you’re telling the truth. It’s not what you had meant to say, but it’s true and innocent enough. Mingis hand rests on the side of your face, where his fingers fiddle with your hair, and for a second his eyes focus on that, before coming back to yours.

”I don’t have any excuse,” he says. ”I guess I could say that I kept seeing your relatives show up at your house and I thought it’d be rude to whisk you away from all that just to fuck you. But I think the more time passed, the harder it got to..”

”Yeah,” you agree. ”To fuck.”

He smiles at your choice of words and nods.

”Have you not happened to notice I haven’t initiated a single kiss between us, Mingi? I’m nervous too. It’s different in real life. It was much easier on the phone to just do things,” you say.

”Would it make it easier if I told you I’d really like to kiss right now?” Mingi asks.

There won’t ever come a time when the prospect of Mingi wanting to kiss you won’t send a jolt of electricity through each and every vein in your body. Nor will there ever be an instance where you won’t act on that will, especially since it seems that there will be a finite number of them. As you prop yourself up and lean in to kiss Mingi you realize that, along with this being the very first time that you initiate a kiss with him, you’re also one kiss closer to the last kiss you’ll ever have with him.

Because there will be a last time. If you keep going like this there is no other possible outcome, there will simply come a day when Mingis's eyes set on someone else and your arrangement is concluded. There’s not an if, it’s simply a when, and every kiss from now on is going to lead up to that last one. You can’t decide if you should hold out and stave off that last one for as long as you can or fit in as many as possible until then.

All these thoughts disperse when your mouth meets Mingis and he kisses you back. It’s hard to think of anything other than his warm lips or his tongue softly licking against yours. It’s more playful this time compared to the last two, today you’re both feeling each other out and learning what to do, what feels good.

You find yourself out of rhythm at times, the position you’re in is a little awkward, and you fumble through a few kisses to lean closer to Mingi. You feel your stomach swirl when you realize that none of this deters Mingi, that you can in fact feel him smile and breathe out something between a hum and a moan every time you come crashing against his mouth. His big hand comes up to your jaw, long fingers curling around the back of your head to deepen the kiss.

Things get heady so fast with Mingi, he works you up so incredibly quickly, and it’s obvious from the sounds he’s making that he’s just as affected. He doesn’t pull away for a second, his hand keeps your head in place and he continues to clumsily kiss you as he guides you down onto the bed.

The air in Mingi's room is hot from the summer sun shining through his window. It’s not until now you realize that the only thing separating you from Mingis body has been his thin blanket. He starts peeling it away, and it’s then you remember that Mingi had undressed you the night before. A jolt of panic shoots through you now that Mingi can see you, entirely nude except for your underwear, in the warm, bright light of his room. You find comfort in the fact that he’s undressed too, but with Mingis eyes taking you in it’s hard to feel relaxed.

Mingi leans in for a long, passionate kiss, and against your mouth he muffles, ”You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Your head is swimming, Mingi keeps on kissing you, getting softer and more careful as he moves down your neck and continues to lavish you with compliments. So pretty, kiss, gorgeous, kiss, breathtaking, kiss. And if you had any doubts, he squashes every single one when he kisses from your collarbone, over your chest and down your stomach, all the way down to your hips.

He plants his hands on each of your thighs, not grabbing or putting any pressure, but you can still feel the weight of them.

”Is this okay?” he asks quietly. He kisses just above the waistband of your underwear, and at the same time, his hands nudge your legs apart. Your breath catches in your throat and you can only nod and let his hands move your legs to where he wants them.

”What about your family?” you ask him, suddenly realizing the reality of where you are.

”No one’s home. It’s just us,” he says. ”So don’t hold back on me please.”

His shoulders are big and broad between your legs. The sun illuminates him so prettily, his tan skin glows, and every little hair on his body is lit up by the sun. The heat has left a thin layer of sweat on his skin and it highlights his muscles in just the right way. He’s just glowing, near angelic, and you’re moved with the need to worship every part of him.

Mingi is still so tender with all his kisses, there’s no sense of rushing as he takes his time by really letting his lips linger. His mouth trails along your entire thigh, stopping now and then to lightly suck your skin into his mouth and have a taste of you. He only falters when he gets to the junction of your thigh, to where your skin is covered by the fabric of your underwear.

You’ve been short of breath for a while now, but when Mingis fingers dip into the waistline of your underwear you cease to breathe entirely. Your head is rushing, watching as Mingis hands pull your underwear down your legs, leaving you completely naked. You’ve sent him pictures before, he knows what every little inch of your body looks like, but Mingi looks at you as if it’s the very first time.

A thousand thoughts whirl through your head between the seconds your underwear hits the floor to when Mingi springs into action. A thousand worries now culminating, whether he’ll realize that it was better over the phone, if he’s disappointed by what he’s seeing, or if he’s repulsed by how aroused you already are.

”You’re,” Mingi begins, stopping to press a kiss at the seam of your thigh. He adds, ”Beautiful.”

His eyes aren’t even on yours, he’s single-mindedly focused on what’s right in front of him. His breath is fanning across your entire crotch, tickling your inner thighs, and as you feel it get closer and closer you instinctively close your eyes and let your head roll back when Mingi finally puts his mouth where you need it most.

He’s still so gentle, using his tongue and lips to tease you and explore what you like best. It feels like hours pass of Mingi lightly sucking and pressing wet kisses all over you, he’s really and truly taking his time and you have to believe it’s for his own sake because he’s only building up a frustration within you.

”Mingi,” you whine, reaching down to grab hold of his hair. It’s an objectively insane feeling, to have his hair in your hand and head between your legs, after all this time of dreaming of it. It’s enough to have you getting close, even though Mingi is still lapping carefully at you, and it's nowhere close enough to what you crave.

When you start bucking your hips against his mouth it’s like he releases all restrain and just goes for it. His hands wrap around your legs at first, pressing them towards his head, to then wedging underneath your ass so he can get all of you into his mouth.

Mingi moans out ”You taste so good” with a mouthful of you at the same time you tell him how good he is with his mouth, prompting him to smirk against your pelvis. It really doesn’t take long for him to learn what gets you closest to the edge, just where he should put his tongue and where to apply some pressure.

”So good, Mingi, you’re so good. Oh my god,” you sigh. You tug on his hair hard enough for your fingers to cramp, and Mingi only moans against you. Every sound you make seems to spur him on further, Mingi only getting more eager with the way he’s circling his tongue around you.

His tongue is getting you closer and closer, your stomach is splitting in two to hold onto the edge and trying not to cum. You’ve been waiting for this for so long that it feels a shame to cum just minutes after Mingis mouth is on you, but there’s no holding back. His hands grip your hips, pulling you flush to his face, and the second you lift your head to look down at him between your legs you start orgasming in his mouth.

He understands what’s happening before you do, applying enough pressure to get you over the edge before letting up and licking you slower to help you come down. All while he keeps his eyes on yours, letting your fingers scratch his scalp. Mingi listens to every little noise you make and stops the second your heavy breathing turns into an overstimulated hiss.

”Mingi, Mingi,” you whine. His cheeks are flushed a deep pink and his lips are slick with his own spit and your cum, and you can’t stop admiring him. All you can do is pray that Mingi looks into your eyes and mistakes your all-consuming love as the afterglow of a great orgasm.

He pulls himself up enough to crawl on top of you, and though he’s just spent minutes between your legs, this feels a lot more daunting. He hesitates for a moment as if he’s unsure if he’s allowed to kiss you, so you wrap your hands around the back of his head and pull him towards you.

Mingi is breathing heavily from the effort he’s just put forth, and instead of letting him catch his breath you only grow more desperate. Your hands clammer onto his shoulders, pulling him against you, then down to his waist, and finally around his ass so you can pull him against your core. He’s got his underwear on, but you don’t let it stop you as you grind up against him. He’s hard and you’re still wet with spit and cum, it doesn’t take long before you’ve soaked his boxers and the barrier between you both is practically nonexistent. You can feel every bit of him against you.

”Mingi,” you moan into his mouth. ”Fuck me, please.”

He pulls away and sucks in a deep breath.

”Don’t you want me to… uh, prepare you?” He sounds small and insecure. You watch his brows burrow and his eyes flick across your face, and you’re struck by how much he looks like Mingi. Your best friend Mingi, who you’ve built up in your head as a confident sex god, even though you’ve always been aware that he’s more careful and vary than any other person you know.

You suppose you’d just assume that that version of him would disappear in the bedroom, that he’d be the same as he is over the phone when he’s telling you all the different ways he wants to fuck you.

”I’m- I’m embarrassed to say this, but I’m so worked up you could just slide inside me,” you tell him, and Mingi moans in response.

”Are you sure?” he asks. You pick up motion again, sliding yourself against the entire length of his dick.

”I’m not just sure, I’m begging,” you plea. You hook your fingers into his boxers, trying to tug them down even though you know the position you’re in won’t allow you to undress him. You just need him to act, now, you can’t wait any longer.

It happens fast, Mingi pulling his boxers off and getting back on top of you, to then lining up his dick to enter you.

”Fuck, I forgot how big you are,” you mumble. The sight of him in comparison to you, lined up against you, is enough to make you cum untouched.

This is what you’ve been dreaming about for a whole year, this very moment. For Mingi to push inside you, hook your legs over his shoulders and fuck you until you can’t see straight. Actually being here, with the tip of his dick against your hole, it feels much different. It’s not the actual sex you’re looking forward to, it’s the fact that he’s finally going to be inside you. It feels like you’re claiming him, that the moment is finally here and he’s going to be yours.

”Are you okay? Are you ready? Can I-?” Mingi asks, searching your eyes for uncertainty.

”Please,” you nod.

He starts pushing inside, watching his dick slide with ease until he’s got the entire tip in. The stretch feels amazing, you could take all of him in one go but the fact that he stops and leans down to kiss you as he slowly thrusts his entire cock inside is way better. And god, he kisses you as if he’s not currently buried inside you. His lips barely brush against yours, and the kisses are short and sweet. Finally, he pulls back to watch himself bottom out.

The sun is shining on the side of Mingis face, and this is just not at all how you had pictured it. In your fantasies, there had always been a dark bedroom and Mingis body had been on top of yours, only distinguishable by faint lights outside the window. It was quick, rushed, and dirty, maybe Mingis hand would be clamped over your mouth to keep you from making any sounds since it would have to happen at one of your homes. Sometimes you’d imagine it happening in his car, parked somewhere secluded at night, it would be bumpy and awkward and sweaty and the focus would just be on both of you cumming as soon as possible.

You hadn’t pictured it like this. Like, Mingi looking at you as if he’s seeing you for the first time.

His hair is messy from your hands grabbing it, and the sunlight lights it up like a halo. Time feels unmoving, you’re drinking in the sight of him and trying to memorize every small detail.

He starts thrusting carefully and slowly. His back is upright, leaning away from you so he can watch his cock go in and out of you. You can’t stop watching him though. He’s so beautiful, his hair is a mess, and beads of sweat are starting to trickle down his chest. You reach your hands up, caressing his skin.

You wonder if you’re breaking some sort of unspoken rule. The two of you hadn’t discussed or set any boundaries, but when you slide your hands over Mingis chest and stomach, you wonder if you should have. This isn’t just fucking, you’re worshipping him and looking at him with intense adoration. He’s going so slow too, really taking his time. You’re not fucking, this is making love.

”I’ve never felt this good, you feel so good,” he moans under his breath. He curls his hands under your ass, picking you up so he can get better leverage to thrust as deep inside as possible. The new angle makes him groan, ”Fuck, you were made for me, weren’t you?”

It has you sobbing with pleasure. Mingis fingers are digging into your flesh, and he fucks you at this torturous pace for tens of minutes. You can truly feel the drag of his dick inside of you, when he bottoms out all the way inside to when the tip of his dick is at your entrance.

”You’re so good, oh my god! So good, you’re so handsome, Mingi,” you praise him, causing Mingi to pick up the speed.

You’re grabbing at his arms and shoulders, trying to pull him down, to get him closer. He lets you down on the bed and leans down, coming chest to chest with you, shoving his arm under your head instead. Your bodies are flush with each other now, Mingis pelvis rubbing against you and getting you close to cumming again stupidly quick.

His mouth is right by your ear, pressing a few sloppy kisses to your neck and temple. He is moaning your name and though his voice is hushed and strained you can still feel it reverberate through his chest, right against yours.

It’s precisely that which has you cumming, the sound of his voice calling your name over and over, telling you how good you feel. Your ears start to ring when your orgasm rolls through you and Mingi only picks up the pace to intensify it. You can faintly hear him, somewhere far away now, this otherwordly being showering you with so much affection it has tears forming in your eyes.

”You’re so perfect,” he’s telling you, fucking you faster. ”Just for me, all for me, you’re all mine.”

Somewhere through it, you realize he’s picked up the speed because he’s close too, but he wants to make it good for you before he pulls out. His eyes are on you, watching your breathing return to normal and feeling your hands unclench from his shoulders, and only when he’s certain that you’re coming down from the orgasm he leans back and pulls out. He only manages to get his hand around his cock before he cums all over your stomach, cumming so hard he shoots all the way up to your chest.

Mingis other hand is grabbing your waist and you can’t stop looking at the way he’s marked you up. There are red marks on you from the tips of his fingers, and little marks from his nails all over your hips, and you’re covered in his cum. Just seconds ago he’d told you that you’re all his, and in this moment you feel it.

”Fuck, that was…” Mingi is the first to speak. ”Shit, let me get you cleaned up.”

He scrambles for his underwear, starting to wipe his cum from your stomach.

You’ve managed to blink away the tears that welled up when you came, but there’s still a sob within your chest that you’re fighting to choke down. Everything about what just happened was about a thousand times more intense than you had ever dreamt of. Had he not pulled away you think you might have confessed to him right then and there.

”How are you feeling?” you ask him, clearing your throat and hoping Mingi reads it as just being fucked out.

”Very good,” he responds, without a hint of hesitance or a second of stalling. There’s a faint laugh in his voice, and he’s starting to smile. Nothing about him looks like you currently feel.

”Oh,” you say, struggling to find words. It’s not like you had expected him to just bare his heart and pour out confessions. You’d just expected something more to follow, after all of that. You had made love. There’s no other word for it.

Mingi leans down and kisses you once, so chaste you barely have time to kiss back.

He gets up and pulls out a pair of new boxers from his dresser, stepping in them.

”Fuck, I made you breakfast earlier and forgot all about it,” he tells you. You look over at the nightstand, where your breakfast sits forgotten.

”Oh,” you repeat. Your head drops back down on Mingis pillow. You speak again, ”I think I’d rather have a shower.”

It’s all so thoroughly strange. Mingi clasps his hand in yours and pulls you up from the bed, and you feel perturbed. You’ve seen Mingi greet Yunho with more affection than the way he helps you up on your feet. At least he joins you in the shower, but you feel weirdly disconnected from him. Even when he jokes and suds up his hair into silly hairstyles you can only manage halfhearted laughs.

Your body aches to have him closer, to feel him pressed against you and to have his lips back on yours again. The kisses he’s giving you now feel cheeky, as if he’s kissing you just because he can, and not because he truly wants to.

You suppose there’s reason to feel thankful, because at the very least Mingi hasn’t rejected you. His casualty is worth a lot more to you than the possibility that he could have pulled back and realized that everything about this was a mistake. He ruffles your hair after the shower, and it stings, but each second you continue to remind yourself that this is how things are supposed to be.

He lets you have one of his shirts after the shower, and he cooks you a very late lunch, then Mingi has to leave for work. Your legs are still unsteady when you make the walk back home to your house.

You prepare yourself to be ignored again. You busy yourself with cleaning your room, reading a book, cleaning out weeds in the garden, sending out job applications, anything you can to make the hours go by. You don’t want to check your phone, but your fingers itch to see if Mingi has texted you.

Nothing.

It’s not until late that night when you know Mingi's shift has ended that he calls you.

”Hey,” you answer, walking over to your window. Mingis car is in the driveway, but you can't see him in his room.

”Hi there,” he greets you. ”Busy day?”

”Oh you know, the usual,” you say. ”Mom wasn’t too happy with me spending the night but she was very relieved to hear it was with you.”

You’re still dressed in his t-shirt, and throughout the day you've been bringing the collar up to your nose to smell him on it. You find yourself doing it now too.

”Her head would explode if she knew what you were doing at my house this morning,” he teases you.

”Good thing no one will ever know then,” you joke, though it is the truth. It was always meant to be a secret.

”Right,” he says. ”So, do you think maybe you could come over tomorrow? My parents will be gone, I start working in the afternoon again, I was thinking maybe-”

”Yes,” you interrupt him.

Mingi laughs, ”Okay. Uh, do I sound desperate if I say that you can come over as soon as you wake up?”

”A little, but I like it,” you giggle.

”Good.”

”I’ll see you tomorrow then!”

You sleep so much better when you know that you’re seeing Mingi tomorrow. You wake up feeling completely rested, and you’re giddy as you sort out your bedhead and get dressed.

Mingis parents aren’t home, and there’s a spare key resting atop the frame of the front door that you use to let yourself into their home. It’s still early, early enough that you know that Mingi is probably fast asleep in his bed. You try to keep your steps light as you trudge up the stairs and into his room. The curtains are drawn, only letting in a stream of sunlight that lights up a sliver on his bed. The orange morning sun is casting a few inches of light on his thigh, so you let it lead you.

It’s where you first press a kiss. He smells of sleep and Mingi, you inhale the scent of his skin between kisses you trail all over his thigh and over the front of his underwear. Mingi sighs softly in his sleep, hips twitching when your lips kiss the tip of his dick through the fabric of his boxers. You’re looking up to watch his face, but when he’s still asleep as you mouth over his entire cock, you crawl up and kiss his lips.

Mingi huffs and puffs, twisting underneath you. You continue to kiss all over his sleepy, confused face. He cracks an eye open, transforming from a groggy confusion to a content smile.

”Morning,” he mumbles happily.

”Hey,” you whisper, kissing the corner of his mouth. ”Can I suck you off?”

He lets out a drawn-out moan that tapers off into a sigh, nodding fervently. His hands are weak and his fingers fumble to find purchase in your hair when you pull his underwear down his legs and take him into your mouth right away.

He sounds so lovely, all raspy and deep from his sleep. Even though he’s just come to consciousness, Mingi makes sure to tell you how good you are making him feel. He moans your name, over and over, giving you so much praise it’s making your head swim.

It doesn’t take him long to get close, so you choke out permission for him to cum in your mouth, and Mingi listens eagerly. Even as he cums he’s vocal, talking you through it and reminding you to breathe all while he praises you for how well you take it. He’s so gentle it’s making you moan as you swallow, and when you pull off his dick you scramble to get his thigh between yours.

Mingis hands guide your hips over his thigh, setting the pace for you to hump him. He keeps the praise coming, and when he feels you getting close he pulls you down for a numbing kiss. You cum on his thigh while deep in a kiss, and Mingi holds you close to his chest as you come down from it.

Somewhere in the post-orgasm haze, you both fall asleep. It’s peaceful and quiet, Mingi lulls you to sleep with the sounds of his breath and his fingers drawing patterns on your back. When you wake up again it’s in a sweat. His little bedroom is swarming with heat, so you decide on a shower, where Mingi has your chest pressed against the white tiles while he fucks you until you’re cumming a second time, this time while full of his cock. He bites down on your shoulder to keep from cumming until he knows you’re fully satisfied, and only then does he pull out and let himself cum on your ass.

When you’re pulling his shirt over your head 10 minutes later while he cooks you lunch, you catch sight of marks on your shoulder. His teeth had dug hard enough to bloom bruises on your skin, and your mind reels at the fact that he has marked you up.

Mingi has you coming over the next morning too, after you’d spent the previous night sending him pictures of the bruises his teeth left on your skin. His responses had been sporadic as he focused on work, but it didn’t stop you from going into detail about all the things you want Mingi to do to you.

It’s like all the limits have finally vanished, neither of you are held back by the fears and worries of before. It’s just like it had been before you moved back, when you only had phone calls to rely on. Back then, the comfort had come from the fact that you didn’t have to actualize all the things you spoke about. You had time to feel each other out and discuss what you want, all without having to put yourself on the line for possible failure. Now, you’ve found reassurance in the fact that you do have a physical relationship.

You know each other in your bones. You can read all the queues his body gives you, and you know what every little expression on his face means. You can sense differences in his sighs and you know what his voice sounds like when it’s getting to be too much. There’s no room for doubt when Mingi is in front of you, you just intrinsically know what he needs.

The two of you fall into a routine. When morning comes, you skip over to Mingi's house and usually he’s still asleep, tired from his shift the day before. You wake him up with kisses or gentle touches, and if he’s hard by the time you get there, Mingi loves to wake up to you already taking care of him. Some mornings you simply lay beside him, tracing his face with your finger. His hair sticks to his forehead so you brush it back, giving soft kisses to the side of his temple. Your pointer finger follows the contour of his nose and lips, feeling the warmth of his breath exit his nose.

Even though he’s asleep and unaware of your worship, you can’t bring yourself to stop. It’s in these moments you can be fully truthful with your affections. Letting your hands linger on his chest for a moment longer, focusing on his heartbeat underneath your palm. You whisper things to him you’re too afraid to say when he can hear you, just to release yourself from the need. It satiates you enough, like this airing out of your system, enough to keep you going until the next morning when you once again get overwhelmed with the sight of his sleeping form blanketed by sunlight. There is only one thing you forbid yourself from saying, three words that you vow to never let yourself speak.

A full two weeks pass of this. Every day you explore something new, things you’ve spoken about on the phone over the last year. With Mingis parents working daytime, you have full freedom to be as loud as you want. Mingi also takes full advantage of a free house. One morning he bends you over the kitchen counter while breakfast is still cooking. His mouth is always right by your ear, moaning and telling you how bad he needs you, despite fucking you upstairs in his bedroom just an hour earlier. Another day he has you ride him on the couch right before he leaves for work. You love it most when Mingi randomly decides to go down on you, whether it’s in the shower or he makes you lie down on the kitchen table. When he’s got his mouth on you he’s possessive, making sure to mark up your thighs and hips. It happens so often that he sometimes ends up darkening the hickeys he left a few days earlier.

Then Mingis schedule changes, and he has to work in the mornings. It doesn’t stop you, but it puts a damper on things as you know them. You have to meet in the afternoons instead, and with Mingi's parents home you end up sitting through long dinners with his parents, reminiscing and talking. It makes sex a little difficult, and Mingi hates the fact that you have to be quiet. He picks you up in his car a few times, but quick head while parked at the edge of the woods is a harsh contrast to the hours of sex you’d been able to have a few weeks earlier.

You’re caught by surprise one day when your phone calls and you rush to pick up only to find Yunhos voice at the other end. You’re so surprised that you pull your phone away and check the name on the screen, and sure enough it’s Yunho's contact name.

”Hey,” you reply, trying to play off the shock.

”Not happy to hear from me?” he teases.

”Shut up, you know I am!” you joke back.

He laughs in return and makes some small talk, telling you how much fun it was to see you and asking you how you’ve been.

”But, hey, uh,” he interjects. ”You ended up leaving with my shirt, is there any chance I could get it back?”

”Shit,” you curse, squeezing your eyes shut in embarrassment. ”You’re right, I totally forgot. Uh, do you want me to bring it by today?”

”That’d be perfect, thanks!”

When Yunho hangs up the phone, you chew nervously at your lip. Getting the shirt back to Yunho wouldn’t be an issue, it’s just that it’s in Mingi’s room somewhere, and asking him to locate it would probably lead to another weird moment where Mingi says something petty. You’re pacing around your room when your eyes land on his driveway and you remember that Mingi is at work. You’re just about to call Yunho and tell him today’s gonna be impossible, before the solution hits you.

Mingis mom opens the door to their home when you knock, and beams at the sight of you on their doorstep.

”Sweetheart! Hi there, Mingi is at work right now, I’m afraid,” she tells you while wrapping her arms around you for a hug. She always does this, even though you’ve been spending a lot of time over at their house recently, Mingis mother hugs you every time she sees you.

”I know, it’s just that I left something in Mingi's room that I need to get if that’s okay?”

So she lets you run up to his bedroom. You feel a little bad while rummaging through his room, but it doesn’t take you long to find Yunhos flannel shirt bunched up halfway underneath Mingis dresser. Mingis mom tries to convince you to stay for dinner, but you tell her you have to get going, and within moments you’re in your car on the way to Yunhos house.

It’s another picture-perfect day outside, the sky is a pristine blue and the wind is blowing just enough to bring some relief in this heat. Yunho is outside in his front yard, with the rear of his car jacked up.

”Hey, you!” you call, getting out of your car. ”Car trouble?”

You can tell by the fact that he has picked apart the entire wheelhouse that it’s not just something routine, but Yunho shrugs his shoulders.

”Not something I can’t fix,” he smiles. ”Dude, you’re quick. I called you, what, 30 minutes ago?”

You nod, sitting down on the tire Yunho has removed.

”Honestly, I was losing my mind at home. I’ve been doing jack shit for days now, I think I might die out of boredom,” you complain.

”Oh, so you’re saying you left the minute you got my call just because you had nothing better to do? It’s not just because you love me?” Yunho quirks an eyebrow, wiping grease from his forehead.

”Can’t it be both? And anyway, I had to go over to Mingis to get your shirt, so I didn’t leave ’the minute I got your call’,” you say, sticking out your tongue at him.

”It was at Mingi's house?” he asks.

Something comes over Yunhos face that you can’t pinpoint.

”Yeah.. I left with him during the party, and we went to his house afterward.” You hope he buys it as a reasonable enough explanation, it’s at the very least true. Just not the entire truth.

Yunho shrugs, and his eyes lose the edge they just had. He smiles, ”Leaving in one man's shirt to go to another dude's house, all in one night.. Impressive, I’ll give you that.”

”Fuck off!” you huff, kicking Yunhos shoe.

He laughs, slapping down a greasy hand on your knee to let you know that he’s just joking, even though you already know that.

”Although…” you trail off. ”Mingi did say that it’s your move.”

”Oh yeah, it is. I wasn’t expecting you to fall for it, though.” Yunhos's voice is still teasing, but not in the same way that Mingis usually is. You can tell that Yunho is just friendly, that there’s no flirting laced in his words or tone. It makes you miss Mingi.

”I don’t fall for things like that,” you retort, but quickly find your mind going to all the shirts Mingi has let you borrow these past weeks. You wear them all day, every day, even when you come back home after spending time with him. You even sleep in them, and you frequently bury your face in the collar to smell his laundry detergent. The few times he gives you a shirt he’s already worn you end up getting so worked up about it that you think you’d be getting yourself off while smelling it, if it wasn’t for the fact that Mingi now has you cumming at least twice a day.

So, perhaps you do fall for tricks like that. But only when it’s Mingi.

Yunho goes silent, and you can see that he’s chewing on the inside of his lip.

”What’s wrong?” you ask him.

His eyes flick over to yours for a second, then he looks at his hands. You’ve never seen Yunho this deep in thought outside an academic setting, and something about it is making you uneasy.

”You know,” he begins, but the words die as quickly as he says them.

”Yes?” you try again.

He pauses, looking up at you.

”You know that Mingi is my best friend,” he says. ”And I love him, I do, but sometimes he acts like an idiot. And I can’t- I just hate seeing it, you know?”

”Okay,” you mumble, only growing more confused with every word Yunho says.

”I don’t think it was right how he came here with you, then spent the whole night talking to everyone but you. But, he just gets so weird sometimes, right? And like I said, I love him, he’s my best friend, but- we just thought it would be different when you came back home. So, Wooyoung and I decided to see what would happen if I lent you my shirt, and-.. Yeah.”

”What… What are you saying?” Your voice is getting quieter. The cheery happiness from before has retired, and there’s something strange in the atmosphere now. You can’t understand what Yunho is getting at, but there’s a part of you that wonders and wishes. A part of you that can read between the lines of what Yunho is too afraid to say out loud.

”It’s not my place to say,” Yunho says, looking everywhere but your eyes.

”At least tell me what you intended to do with this shirt.” It’s still in your hands, his flannel, and your fingers are tightening around it.

”We just figured that maybe he needed a push,” he tells you, sounding so sheepish.

”You wanted him to get jealous?” you finally say it out loud. Yunho doesn’t meet your eyes, but it’s a clear enough answer. So you ask, ”What do you know about me and Mingi?”

”In all honesty? I don’t know anything. And it used to hurt me because Mingi is my best friend and I’ve known him since we were kids. But that’s what clued me in because I know for a fact that he would have told me if you were dating,” Yunho says. You’re holding your breath while listening to him. He continues, ”I, uh, I accidentally saw the preview of a text you sent him once. Something about.. well, that’s not important. But, I realized it then. We all thought it was just a matter of time, and that you’d make it official when you moved back home.”

You’re hearing every single thing Yunho is saying, but the words just won’t stick. You’re becoming more aware of the birds singing and the sound of the wind among the treetops.

”Mingi is in love with you,” Yunho says. At last. The rest of his words blur together. He has been, a long time, doesn’t know it. Yunhos mouth is moving, and you know what he’s saying, but the rational part of you that knows this can’t be true has stopped listening long ago.

Mingi is not in love with you. He’s just not, that can’t be true.

Yunho scrambles towards you, hands landing on each of your knees. He looks so concerned and his mouth is still moving.

”-you okay? What’s wrong?” You hear once your brain stops blocking your ears. You’re crying, tears falling from your cheeks down onto your hands.

”What did I say?” Yunho asks frantically.

And the confessions start rolling. You tell Yunho about everything, from that first night to everything that has happened since you returned back home. You tell him about the weird moment when Mingi drove you home after the party.

”Don’t you hear it though? He’s in love with you! My god, I think he always has been,” Yunho says.

You scoff, ”He ignored me for four whole months during my first semester away. He’s not in love with me, this is just.. out of comfort, it’s just easy.”

”You’re both in denial. You know what I’m hearing? That Mingi was so heartbroken when you moved away that he couldn’t even be a good friend. That didn’t just extend to you, by the way. He barely hung out with us during that time, and it only changed when you came home for Christmas,” Yunho tries to lay it out for you.

”You’re wrong. You’re wrong-”

”I can’t tell you what to believe,” Yunho says. His hand squeezes your knee, leaving dirty marks of grease on your skin. It’s a gesture of comfort, and you appreciate it for what it is. ”You need to talk to Mingi. Maybe disarm him by telling him that you’re in love with him first.”

The air feels different when you drive back home. It feels heavier, somehow. Yunhos words bear an incredible weight and no matter how many times you run them through your head they don’t get any easier to process. It would be different if it had come from Seonghwa or Hongjoong, who would say practically anything to comfort you. You don’t think Yunho would sweeten his words like they would, or even at all.

You sit through a quiet lunch with your mom, unable to get your thoughts in any other direction than the conversation you just had with Yunho. For some reason, you feel absolutely stuck there, and you can’t see a way for things to work. It feels as if time has been suspended in wait for your next move. The hours tick on though. You lay in your bed and watch the numbers on your alarm clock change. Seconds turn into minutes, and then hours, and your mind is still stuck in the same place as it has since you left Yunhos house.

You don’t realize when the clock indicates that Mingi is ending his shift. The numbers are just ticking, hypnotizing you. You startle when your phone calls and the pit in your stomach grows when you know that it’s probably Mingi.

Your fingers move on pure muscle memory as you pick up your phone and swipe to answer the call, then raise the phone to your ear. Through the phone, you can hear Mingis car running.

”Hello?” Mingi asks. ”You know, it’s usually the person who picks up the phone who speaks first.”

”Sorry,” you croak. You don’t even recognize the sound of your voice.

”Are you okay?” Mingi sounds so concerned it makes your stomach twist. It’s still the same Mingi you have known all your life, and he’s the same man you’ve been fucking the past weeks, but something feels as if it has fundamentally changed. You try to listen to his voice, read it for any hint of tenderness you’d have previously missed. You can’t make out any, it’s the same Mingi as always.

”It’s been a weird day,” you settle for.

”Then what do you say about changing into your swimsuit and we go to the lake? It’s so hot out, I can’t stand to be home. And maybe it can take your mind off of things?” he suggests.

”Yeah, sounds good.”

”I’ll pick you up in 5, better hurry!”

Mingi hangs up. Your head feels all fuzzy and distant, but you pull yourself out of bed and get changed. While putting your clothes over your swimsuit you realize you’re in one of Mingis t-shirts. Every single bit of this feels like a divine punishment. To be dressed in Mingis clothes and have marks in the shape of his mouth decorate your chest and the insides of your thighs, to be so thoroughly claimed by him but yet not be his, is agonizing.

You’re aware that Mingi would park in your driveway and come knocking at your door, wanting to impress and appease your parents at every turn. You just can’t deal with that today, so you hurriedly make your way down the stairs and out your door to wait for him outside. You’re just in time, because Mingi is making the turn up your street and it’s only half a minute before he’s pulling up to your house and you’re getting in his car.

”Hey, I missed you!” Mingi sounds cheerful, sporting a smile so big it’s splitting. You hate the way that time and space curl around Mingi each time you see him as if he presents to you in technicolor and slow motion. Your eyes pass over each feature, trying your best to handle what just seeing him does to your body.

Mingi keeps a pair of extra sunglasses in his car for you, and when you’re sat down he leans over to place them on your face. The gesture is enough to make your breath hitch, but he uses it as an opportunity to lean in for a swift kiss, and you feel as if you’re floating.

Today, Mingi has Fleetwood Mac playing softly throughout the car.

You’re just looking at Mingi with this pit in your stomach, this sense of impending doom sitting heavy in your abdomen. The world feels slow and strangely saturated. The seconds stretch on infinitely, allowing you plenty of time to watch the sunlight adorn Mingi's skin.

You’re aware that you can’t stop staring. When Mingi parks the car and you start making the short walk through the trees to get to the lake, your eyes are always set on him. From the towel slung over his shoulder to the sweat that has broken out and is trickling down the nape of his neck. You’re trying to make sense of the sight in front of you, the same Mingi you’ve made this walk with a hundred times, the only difference being that he’s had you in the most intimate and tender ways now. It forces you to rewrite history, the memories of your childhood innocence are permanently changed. If only you had known then, while sitting on the big rock and throwing pebbles out to break the still surface of the water if you had only known that the boy handing you rocks would end up being the man you fall in love with fifteen years later.

Your stupid, stupid heart. Sometimes you think the ribs, flesh, and muscle containing it won’t be enough to keep it in place. It beats so hard and fast it billows from your chest, through your arms, and out to the very tip of each finger. You have to flex them to stop that lovesick tingle from numbing you.

The water is beautiful. The lake looks just like you remember it, the wind is blowing slight ripples upon the surface and the trees are swinging lightly. Besides the gentle hum of nature, the place is completely undisturbed and it’s just you and Mingi here today.

You're placing your towels down and undressing in silence, barely glancing at each other. You sneak little glances at him in the corner of your eye, wondering what he’s thinking. Yunhos words are still echoing through your head, getting louder and more unbearable for every minute that passes.

Mingi is wading into the water before you know it, covered up to his knees, then thighs, then his waist, and eventually he points his arms and dives in entirely. He erupts back through the surface with a shriek that echoes over the lake, and you can’t stop yourself from laughing.

He rushes back up to where you’re laying on your towel, shoulders bunched up in reaction to the cold water. Mingi shakes his head above you to force droplets onto your bare skin, laughing loudly when you yell in protest. Things feel so extraordinarily regular, it’s as if you have transported back ten years in time. Even when Mingi gets down on his towel and leans over to kiss you, it still feels so normal. It just feels so right with Mingi, like this is what you’re meant to be doing.

Mingis's mouth is cold and wet from his dip in the water, and his hair continues to drip onto your face, but you find it hard to care when he wraps you up in a long, passionate kiss. He’s on his stomach on his towel now, as close to you as he can get. Your heart beats with a discernible nervosity at the fact that you are laid out in the open with Mingi making out with you. There would be quite a walk for anyone else to get here, and you would probably be able to hear branches breaking or even a car parking way before anyone could walk upon the scene and spot the two of you. The risk of getting caught here is low, but you still feel like you’re on display.

Mingis cold fingers wrap around your jaw where he keeps you firmly as his tongue enters your mouth. The kissing goes to your head very quickly, dulling all your senses as all your thoughts are replaced by what Mingi is doing with his mouth. He knows you so well that he pulls away seconds before you lose your breath, letting you regain it while he kisses the corner of your mouth softly. His hand trails over your chest and down your stomach carefully, feeling the way your ribcage heaves as your breaths get steadier.

Mingis eyes follow the path of his hand before he abruptly stops by your knee.

”What’s that?” he asks you. You have to crane your neck to see what he’s looking at. Not much remains of it, but there are still faint marks of dirt and grease on the top of your knees. Just on the outside of your leg, there’s an unmistakable fingerprint.

”Oh,” you mumble. Mingi detaches himself from you with a quickness that makes you lose your breath, and you scramble to get up too.

”I don’t- I feel like I don’t even need to ask who left that on you,” Mingi says.

”It was Yunho,” you rush out, wanting so badly to resolve this before Mingis thoughts spin and twist so bad that you can’t untangle them. It’s clear from the look on his face that your words and their haste only have the opposite effect.

”Yunho?” he questions, getting quieter.

”It’s not all what you think. He called me about that shirt he let me borrow a few weeks ago, remember? I went to his house to give it back and we got to talking. You know, just.. stuff, about life. I ended up getting emotional and he comforted me. I was crying and he put his hands on my knees, that’s all.” You read Mingis's face for any changes, but nothing happens. He only looks at you, taking in your half-truth excuse of an explanation.

”What is it that Yunho can comfort you about, but I can’t?” Mingi asks, his eyes staring into yours with so much intensity you feel like crying. You had expected everything but that. You’d rather Mingi accuse you of getting intimate with Yunho, that you’re lying and it’s a terrible cover story you’re spinning. You could defend yourself from all that, but not this.

”That’s not… Mingi, it’s not like that. I didn’t just choose to go there for comfort. It just happened, I just started crying, and that’s it,” you urge.

Mingis legs are drawn up to his chest and his arms are wrapped around them. He looks so small and vulnerable. His eyebrows are starting to furrow together, and you’re finding it hard to tell if it’s anger or sadness that is starting to show on his face. Both possibilities terrify you equally.

”Why?” he wonders, simply. ”Why did you cry?”

You can physically see the restraints he’s putting on himself to hear you out, to not race away with his worries. You wish it means what you want it to mean. That Mingis vulnerability was an act of love instead of self-preservation. He’s probably sat there worried at the threat of Yunho taking you away and replacing his role. That the fun you’ve had the past weeks, and the year before that, would be over, just like that. You wonder if he views it as a hindrance more than anything. Mingi has finally scored a way to have sex on the regular, without the commitment or worries of starting with someone new. What you have is a lot of comfort, and you suppose he doesn’t want to lose that.

Still, even this feels like a lot more than you deserve of him. If you can’t have Mingi in the ways that you want, you’ll have to do your best to preserve the arrangement you have now.

”It’s not important,” you mumble. You know it’s not a good enough answer.

Mingi lets the word hover in the air for a moment, pondering on whether he should let it go.

In the end, he decides to speak. ”There’s nothing you can tell me that would scare me off. You know that, right?”

”That’s not true,” you whisper, so quiet it’s almost a hiss. ”There is something I can’t ever tell you.”

Tears start to fall down your cheeks and it’s now a conscious effort to keep your sobs contained within your chest. The lake is still breathtaking, the wind is still and the sun is bright in the perfect blue sky. It’s a beautiful day to get your heart broken, at the very least.

Mingi stretches his fingers and you watch the tendons twitch and flex. You’re brought back to what you were doing earlier, shaking off your nerves.

”What if I say it first?” he says. You look up at his eyes.

”What?”

”That I love you,” he tells you. His eyes are big and dark, brimming with tears of his own. ”If I say it first, will you say it too?”

”Mingi-”

”I do love you,” he begins. ”It’s stupid, looking back, because I think I’ve loved you since before you left. I loved you that first night, I already knew it, and I felt so stupid when I woke up the morning after. Doing that with you when I was drunk out of my mind made me feel like shit. And then I felt even more like shit, because- because, it made me realize that it hadn’t been the way I wanted it to be. So I took comfort in the fact that it was over the phone, and I still had time to do it right. To start right, with you, I mean. I wanted our first time to be perfect. I knew I loved you when I kept thinking about it. But then, when you finally came back, it truly clicked. For a while, I had figured that I’d know how I felt about you when we had sex for the first time. But I was wrong because all it took was me seeing you to know that I’m in love with you.”

”Mingi,” you whisper, again, over and over. It’s all you can bring yourself to say, like a prayer, before you crawl over to him and press your lips to his. It doesn’t matter that it takes him a beat to respond, you don’t care at all anymore about how things get awkward or strange. You continue to kiss over his mouth until he’s ready to kiss you back, when time finally catches up to you and it dawns on you both that this is real.

You can’t stop kissing him, breathing out his name every time you part.

”I love you,” you mumble into his mouth. ”I’m so in love with you.”

Mingi smiles into the kiss. Your senses are overwhelmed with the taste of both your tears and the fact that you’re both now smiling and giggling, repeating ’I love you’s until the words merge.

He pulls you into his arms, tumbling over into the grass. He stops kissing you to just look at you, and you watch him too. Your Mingi, in the grass by the lake. Finally, your Mingi.

#mingi x reader #ateez angst #ateez imagine #ateez x reader #ateez smut #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #mingi x y/n

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for not taking my cat with me when I eventually move?

For some context, I(f,22) live in an apartment that connects to the house of my parents through the garden and the basement. I have lived here since I was 17, pay rent, utilities and all my groceries so I basically live alone, just that I can visit my family basically whenever. Our family has a small dog and 3 cats, all of the animals can move freely through the entire house and also go outside if they want (I know outside cats are a problem, it was not my decision nor can I change the situation bc these are not only my cats).

My boyfriend (m,23) and me are planning on moving out next year-ish and I was not planning on taking the cat that is technically mine. She was adopted from a farm when I was around 16, I was really depressed, self-harming, had an ed blah blah, so my mom actually agreed that I could get a kitten. My cat has helped me immensely through really tough times but she is a little bit... wild. When she wants to play she can bite and scratch quite hard, she scares the other cats and the dog and sometimes pees on rugs and other stuff. She is also an absolute sweetheart and super cuddly and funny, I have zero problems with her behaviors myself because I know when she is getting frustrated I have to give her some space, I never scream at her when she does accidentally hurt me while playing, she never pees in my apartment, I only scold her when she attacks the other cats (she only wants to play but the other cats are older and dont want to). I feel like if I write it down like that she does sound kind of like a nightmare but bad incidents happen very rarely and she has gotten a lot calmer with her age. So the problem is now that my mom wants me to take her with me when I move, which I would totally get if she wouldn't have said the exact opposite before. My mom always said that I shouldn't take my cat with me when I move because she needs to stay in her home, she has got the other cats (even tho they don't really like each other but sometimes they hang out or play), the garden and a forest, a really quiet neighborhood with no cars and a big house where there is always somebody home. If I would take her with me she would be in a relatively small apartment, probably couldn't go outside (I would move from a small town to the city), no other cats and so on. I feel like my mom just wants to punish me and my cat for some reason. For her/ my family it's not much more work and they have been feeding and caring for her since we got her (together with me of course) because even though she is technically mine she was more of a family cat from the beginning. I also would pay for everything vet, food, toys whatever. I don't even really understand why she seems to hate her so suddenly, I get it's super frustrating and gross when she pees somewhere but it's also an animal you can't make them understand reason and it doesn't happen frequently, also she is not the only cat that pees sometimes so I don't get why with her it seems to be such a problem. I know she is my responsibility and if it is really such an issue I will take her with me and try to make her the best life possible but I feel like it is so unnecessary. When I got her I was only 16 and not mature enough to realize what it means to have a pet, I also feel like my mom knew that i was not in the right mind to make decisions like that, i could barely take care of myself and was definitely not thinking even 2 years ahead. I always felt like it was an unspoken agreement that my cat was like all the other family cats just a little more mine. And it wasn't even really unspoken because she literally has said that I shouldn't take her with me because it would make my cat depressed. My mom also tells me to move out so she can rent out the apartment at a higher price, so it's not her way of making me stay at home. I also want to mention that my family treats all of the animals really well and my cat would not be in any danger if I would leave her home.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[iamyouknow-yours]

It's been over a year since I got my mobility scooter and longer since I got my cane. So... Mobility Aid Appreciation Post!

Put your own mobility aid appreciation in the notes, I would like to read!

Wheelchair edition:

I can go on fun adventures with friends, spontaneously as well!

I have gone to various parks, to get snacks, and the other day I scooted from university all the way to my friend's house! I went on the side of a small motorway which was a little bit terrifying but it was fun and I was safe.

I can get around campus so speedily. Well apart from that the accessible routes are a little backwards. But I can go fast to them and arrive before people ambling between classes.

Part of the reason is because people just jump out of my way when they see me coming. They move so fast to not be in my way, it is very funny.

Part 2 of that is that I can go through crowds quite easily. It's a little annoying bc people aren't expecting to look down to see people trying to move. But once they see me they move. And they tell other people to move.

People let me sit at the front of things. I got to sit right at the front of a convention panel and I was so near Kat Graham!!

People open doors for me.

I hardly ever have to wait in line for things, I get put in the front and get to skip the queue.

I can be out of the house for much, much longer.

I am way more patient about my friends wanting to take their time doing things and looking in shops because I don't have to stand, I can sit while they do that.

I have way more stamina for being hungry or cold or tired or sore because I can be sitting while experiencing those things.

The battery has only started Running Out one time and even then she did get me home.

It's helped with learning to drive a car because I am better at understanding the turning circle and how reversing while turning works.

I have gotten better at using my scooter! I am pretty good at maneuvering and judging her distance and stuff. I only bump into corners if I'm in a hurry and in my house ie not making an effort to not hit people's walls.

I've had interesting conversations with people who have come up to me to ask about getting one for a family member. This may be not a perk to some people! So keep that in mind. But I think it's also about my vibe, I usually give off the vibe of "you can come talk to me".

Cane edition:

People give up their seats for me. Especially on the train. If there are no seats, then the old women will squish together and then we all sit next to each other. People are really nice about giving me a seat.

I can climb stairs so much easier!

I haven't lost my balance or fallen or twisted my ankle once while using it.

I can lean on it when I get tired which means I can stay out for a bit longer.

I can use it to get up so so much more easily.

I have a built in fidget toy with the strap.

It folds up and so I can put it in my bag to have just in case.

I hurt my leg one time and boom I already had a mobility aid.

I can use it to walk when my tummy hurts and I can't stand up straight.

And to alleviate your fears, no one has asked me why I switch hands when I use it.

Reminder that it is fully allowed and okay to lie to people when they ask why you're using a mobility aid. You can also say, "It's really difficult to talk about."

Or a funny/brave response like "I didn't read the terms and conditions." and "none of your business".

#disability #chronic illness #mobility aid #mobility aids #cane #cane user #wheelchair #wheelchair user #mobility scooter #mobility scooter user #mobility aid appreciation #long post #mobility aid user

[fangirlingatstuff]

Ronin and reader headcannons (w/ romance if thats fine I couldnt find ur rules page sorry) , you and MK had shrunk together, so maybe sometime after the movie, Nod and Him become "stomper" size and MK's like: "nah dude you gotta go to Y/n's house" and they go to your large slightly dysfunctional loving family to regroup and stuff. You have become my new favorite account bc i found no one who writes Epic, especially Ronin. <3 You have been followed and will be loved aggressively

Yay! Welcome to the club lol the fandom may be slightly dead but that doesnt keep some of us from making content XD Hope you like this hun! Haven’t written much for Ronin so this is fun!

This is definitely not based off of my family nooo why would you think that??? (Tho I only have one brother lol)

When you had first shrunken down and met Ronin, you hadn't been as trustful as MK was.

Given, you went with MK as emotional support so she had someone to fall back on if things didn't go well with her dad, and after being shrunken while stressing about helping out your friend, you were a lot more on edge than she was.

When Ronin made it his job to escort the both of you to Nim's, you weren't as receptive of the idea as MK was, but hey, MK was kind of in need of a strong figure in her life and you weren't going to argue with that.

Over the period of that day, seeing Ronin, talking to him, noticing his own grief, even though he was pretty attractive and it made your heart skip a beat when he pulled you in by the waist to get you away from MK's crazy pug, you told yourself "we just met” and left it at that.

So imagine your surprise, several months later, when MK shows up with both leafmen while your youngest siblings were causing mayhem in the kitchen, your eldest brother wrestling with your dad over the last couple pizza rolls, and your mom stuck in a standoff with the cat since it kept trying to eat the bills on the counter.

MK explained what happened and why Ronin and Nod were suddenly big now, but you weren't able to say anything before she was like “Ok bye! Take care!” And left them with you

You were SO going to get her back for this

Honestly, you were surprised that your family didn’t mind them showing up, but you also lived in a loft above the garage so that you had some privacy from the rest of your family.

After introducing Nod and Ronin as “some of MK’s friends”, you moved them up to your small “apartment”

Nod was already a hit with your youngest two brothers, showing off his sword skills by slicing fruit in the air as they tossed it at him

Ronin took a while to adjust

But slowly he started to talk to you and you two actually had the longest conversation you’ve ever had between the two of you

Ronin didn’t want to intrude or be a burden, so he picked up doing chores (your chores) around the apartment and house while also getting Nod to do your brothers chores

You told him it wasn’t necessary, they were your chores for a reason, but Ronin argued and said that this was thanks for letting the two of them stay

He’s already a big hit with your mom and dad, but they were at work and didn’t see much of him

You were washing dishes after everyone else left the house, either for school or work, when Ronin came in

He was wearing a white henley shirt with rolled up sleeves, something that SHOULDNT have looked that good on him, and immediately stopped to look at you from across the house

“Nope, uh uh,” he hip checked you out of the way and took the plate you were washing

“Hey!” You said

“Let me wash the dishes,” he didn’t even bother letting you argue, to him it was “his duty” to show appreciation by helping around the house

“Ronin,” you whined while trying to take the rag back from him, “c’mon, it’s literally my one chore.”

“You don’t have to do it, I got it,” he said

You huffed and groaned

“How about you wash them and I’ll dry and put them up?” You offer, hand on your hip

He looked at you and thought for a moment

The two of you worked in sync with each other in the small kitchen, you putting up the dishes as Ronin washed them

Occasionally, his hand would linger for a moment longer than usual while handing you the next dish, or you’d glance over to see him quickly looking away

Even when dressed so casually he looked so in charge and strong, it was so weird

It was weird in general to see him out of his armor but you digress

When the last dish was put up, you stretched and wiped down your slightly wet hands before turning to walk out

“Hey Y/n-“ you turned as Ronin reached out for you but hesitated

“Yeah, Ronin?” You raised a brow

He stopped and drew back his hand, brow furrowed in thought

“…thank you. For letting me and Nod stay here. Your family is…very kind.”

You snorted, “Yeah, well you havent seen ‘em on a bad day.”

Ronin chuckled a little at your joke and it made your cheeks turn pink

“But really,” he said, “I don’t know how else to thank you.”

“You don’t have to-“

“No, I do,” he added as you hopped to sit on the counter behind you. “I…I think we got off on the wrong foot, before.”

You blinked in surprise and looked away with a hint of shame, “Yeah, I—that day was a lot for me.”

He sighed, “It…was a lot for me too.”

You lowered your gaze, thinking about the woman who he had ran to as she died, the late queen, Tara

Ronin shook his head and snapped out of it, “Uh, well I-“ he stammered and rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m happy MK took us here. It’s been…nice, actually getting to know you.”

You told yourself you were imagining the blush on his face

“Really?” You smiled. “It’s been nice getting to know you too.”

Ronin smiled as you hopped down and opened up the fridge, taking out a gallon of iced sweet tea

“Come on!” You chirped as you passed him and grabbed two glasses, “It’s nice out.”

The two of you sat out in the backyard on the porch, chatting and drinking iced tea, laughing at stories, talking about anything and everything, enjoying the nice spring air late into the evening

When Nod eventually came back with MK after a trip around town, they found the two of you passed out on the porch swing, a thin blanket over the both of you

MK laughed but Ronin never looked so peaceful

Okay it took me a while to come up with this and it isnt immediately romantic but now Im like “…oh? Oh, ok, am I invested in this now???”

So if you like it I can DEFINITELY do more, it took everything in me to NOT just write an entire short fic for this one prompt, it ended up being so much cuter than I expected!!!!

Hope you like it! Its awesome having more people interact with the fandom!!

#ronin #epic 2013 #mk bomba #mary katherine bomba #ronin x reader #nod #x reader #epic 2013 headcanons #epic 2013 x reader #future drabble? #slice of life #request

[catladyoftheyr]

Summer Vacation chapter 1/??

You kissed me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever

Characters: Bella x Edward

Summary: Bella’s grounded after the events of the first book so Edward’s been sneaking into her room at night to spend time together. They end up kissing and things get a little steamy.

Word count: 839

A/N: my favorite parts of twilight are just Bella and Edward being cute together. I love them doing regular teenage things and I wish Stephanie Myer had given us content of them just being teenagers over the summer. This series is just me writing my ideal summer romance bc I have twilight brainrot. Edward might be slightly out of character idk and idc. This is my MY version of him 🫡

Edward and I had only been dating for a couple months officially. So much has happened since I moved to Forks in January that it’s felt like ages. It hasn’t even been a month since what Charlie had started calling The Incident when I stormed out of the house and told Charlie I couldn’t be trapped here like my mom. I still felt guilty for intentionally hurting his feelings, especially since I couldn’t tell him the truth. “Hey dad, my boyfriend and his entire family are vampires and another vampire tried to kill me in the ballet studio I went to as a kid.” Would probably make Charlie institutionalize me.

I heard my window softly slide open and Edward materialized in my bedroom. This had become a habit since I was still technically grounded. Charlie had tried to convince me to stop seeing Edward, and when that failed he’d declared that I was grounded until further notice. “Hi,” I whispered, unsure if Charlie was asleep yet. “You can pick the movie tonight.” I’d been saving my wages from my part-time job and managed to buy a small TV and DVD player from a local thrift shop. Edward rummaged carefully through the small stack of DVDs and held up a copy of Pride and Prejudice before sliding the disc in. We sat next to each other in my bed and Edward planted a light kiss on the top of my head.

“You smell like coconut,” he murmured.

“New shampoo”

“How long does Charlie plan on keeping you locked up in the house for?”

“Probably forever at this rate. I keep trying to convince him that I've learned my lesson but I feel like he’s not budging. He thinks you’re a bad influence.” I can't say I entirely blamed Charlie. He was doing his best to parent me on his own and I wasn’t making it very easy lately. Still, I wish he’d ease up a little. I leaned my head against Edward’s shoulder, wanting to feel the coolness of his skin. His eyes were focused on the screen but my gut told me he wasn’t paying attention. I wished I could know what he was thinking about, and I know he wished the same of me.

I traced the veins in his hands with my fingers. Edward stiffed and I looked up at him for the signal to continue. He nodded and my fingers continued to tread lightly up his arms. Physical intimacy was still largely uncharted territory in our relationship. I wanted so desperately to allow us to be less restrained with how we touched each other but we both knew the risks. I knelt and turned to face him on the bed and cupped his jaw gently in my hands. Edward was if a marble statue of a Greek God had come to life. He was classically beautiful and his features were stern but gentle underneath. I closed the gap between us and let our lips connect.

His lips were cold at first but quickly warmed with mine on them. Edward didn’t technically need to breathe but I felt cool air hit my face as we kissed. I felt Edward’s hands grip my hair and pull me closer. We broke apart so I could breathe and I locked my eyes in his. His eyes darkened with passion and he let his hands fall from my hair. “Do you want to keep going?” He asked. I nodded fervently and slid his hands down to my hips. Edward lifted me onto his lap and I locked my legs behind him. I was tired of being careful and controlled. I needed to touch him. Our lips met again and I moaned softly. I gripped my hands into his hair and tried to leverage myself even closer. His hands dug into my hips firmly. Even in passion he was in control of himself; he could snap me in half if he wasn’t cautious but I didn’t care anymore.

Edward pulled back to look at me. “You’re so beautiful, Bella” he whispered in the dark before his lips moved to my neck. I gasped and wrapped my arms around him tighter, digging my nails into his shoulders. He sucked lightly, surely intending to leave a mark. He’d told me that vampires marked their mates but this was new behavior for Edward. I whispered as he made his way to my collarbones, planting light kisses all the way down. “I love you” he said softly.

“I love you too. Keep going please” I said breathlessly. Just as Edward was about to oblige my request there were footsteps in the hallway. We both froze and I silently prayed for Charlie to go back to bed. The only sound in the dark room was my breathing and the television. Charlie knocked lightly on my door and I swore under my breath. “Yeah?” I called out.

“Can you turn the volume down please? I have to be up early tomorrow. Goodnight, Bells.”

“Okay I will. Goodnight, Dad.”

[ourlittlebear]

I keep talking to my friends and my family about community and how I'm looking at where I want to live, and how I've narrowed down to basically two areas- one would be down the road from my brother, and the other would be down the road from my best friend's partner, where she'll likely live with him if/when they get married.

Both are places I'm connected to ones I love and the future of that time with the ones I love. How wonderful to think I could invite my brother and his partner over for dinner on a weeknight, how could it be a bother, we only live five minutes apart? Or one day when my dearest friend has kids, hey I can come mind the kids for a bit, how about we walk down the road to the park?

And I wonder, as my parents did this, to move to be closer to family, my parents closest friends also moved to an entirely new city just to stay close to them. And I think about my grandmother, who moved from italy to here, and then moved state to state, where groups of families ended up moving and following to keep everyone within arm's reach? We always had and still do have large communities bc that connection always somehow drives us all together.

I sit and look at house plans. Two bedroom houses no longer take my eye, three bedroom layouts with space for a small yard hold my attention like "this could be the spare room, and there's where I'd plant my Nonna's fig tree in the yard. We'd have space for a dog here, and I'd have a double garage for someone else to be with me, too," like it feels instinctive that these are necessities. It absolutely will be.

I will build my own home, and I know people I love will be close by. It's exactly what's meant to be.

#i am made of love #and my goodness i love you #its on my brain a lot atm #im less than 3 months from being thirty and idk #life just feels really good to me right now #i have a future and itll keep on coming and theres nothing i can do to stop it #its just now i understand thats not entirely only with bad things #its been so full of wonder up until now #whats to say the future wont be even more so? #hi my name is jo and im almost thirty #and my goodness im so happy im alive

[c-0-yote-teeth]

Hi I just need to scream here for a bit bc I been holding it together irl and need to get this out

Tw for death of a loved one, abuse, drug addiction, mental illness- possibly more

My mom died last year. November 15th. I will never forget the phone call from the woman she was staying with.

"Your momma died last night."

What do you say to that?

"Oh."

I loved my mom, and I still do. But her dying has forced me to look back on my life and, unfortunately, revisit all the trauma I experienced at her hands. Not ALL of my trauma, mind you, but... Enough. She was supportive of me as a person and that made the abuse very difficult to process mentally. She didn't care that I was bisexual, she was too. When I came out as trans at 14, she supported me fully, going so far as to buy me a new wardrobe even though I didn't live with her at the time. When I fucked up and got pregnant at 16, she moved me back down near her and was the most amazing Mima my daughter could have ever wanted.

But she was also a manipulative abuser, and an addict. I was physically abused in place of my siblings, blamed for things going wrong in her life, accused of sleeping with her drug dealer boyfriend and doing crack, and, coming to a head at the ripe old age of 14, she tried to kill me. I was put into foster care after bouncing through a few family members houses, and I didn't speak to her for about a year. When we did speak, it was very limited and I was hesitant.

When I found out I was pregnant, she was one of the first people I called. I moved in with my grandma and Megan rekindling my relationship with what I thought was a changed version of my mother. Little did I know.

The entire time I was gone, she continued abusing my siblings, her and the guy she was seeing mutually abused each other for YEARS, she continued doing drugs and drinking, and then we all moved into a house together. She did meth. She saw people in the trees. She was only happy if she was drunk or high, but even that was 50/50.

The slightest thing would set her off, and she would go feral. One of my siblings moved in with their dad, the other stayed with my mom and my daughter while I moved to the next town over to get away from the drugs and toxicity of my hometown, start a career, and get financially stable enough to have my daughter. (Remember, I was a teenager).

The cops were called one night when the fighting between my mom and her husband got really bad, and my brother and daughter both ended up staying with me in my tiny apartment, until my brother also moved in with his dad.

After that, my mom got clean! She stopped doing drugs AND drinking, and even smoking cigarettes! She moved in with me, started an LGBTQ pride based small business, donated her proceeds to organizations like the Trevor project, got her license and car fixed... it was nice. She worked her way up to be a support counselor for LGBTQ victims of abuse of any kind, worked with organizations to set up needle drops for people with addictions to dispose of used needles and obtain clean ones and Narcan, and fentanyl test strips, all for free.

And then, one day, she just... Gave up. She struggled with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses I'm sure I had no idea about, and I think that it was just... Too much.

She relapsed. She drank, she smoked, she shot up, she snorted. She got kicked out of the recovery house she moved into, moved back in with me, fought with me and was subsequently kicked out of and banned from my house, attempted to drive to her exes house an hour and a half away drunk, crashed her car, moved back in with her ex, broke probation and got arrested more than once.

When she went to court, her options were:

A: 5 years in prison, out in as little as 3 on basis of good behaviour

Or

B: 2 years in prison, 8 on probation.

And you know what she decided to do?

She fled the state. She fucking left. She bounced around the country with money from who fucking knows where, stayed with other addicts she had met along the way and saw all the things she wanted to see. National landmarks, mountains, and even the snow for the first time.

And then, she died. She was 45 years old.

And now... It's her birthday. She would have been 46.

If you stuck around all the way to the end of my tragic story, I'm sorry. There is no happy ending. There is no justice. I just needed to get this off my chest. Her life was a rollercoaster of tragedy from beginning to end, crashing through and derailing other people's rides in the process. I'm 23 now, and I'm doing... Okay. I struggle with my own mental illnesses, as evidenced by this very blog. I don't really know how to end this, but... If you think this story is bad, you should hear about the rest of my life.

- Ransom.

#tw abuse #tw dead parent #tw drvgs #tw drinking #tw alchoholism #tw addiction #actually dissociative #did #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #dissociative system #did system #osdd #traumagenic did #traumagenic osdd #trauma

[its-deputy-caleb]

If you’re comfortable sharing... id love to hear about your OCs! (Especially if in the far cry universe)

sksks get ready for a lot of oc brain rot i feel like i’ve been sitting on my oc content for years and i will slowly dump it all here but i am genuinely excited that y'all wanna hear about em. and yea i’m sticking with just far cry oc’s for now

I will also post a couple of fc6 oc templates soon if anyone wants to make their own <3 pls we can have an oc party

Obvi i got my main bro caleb from far cry 5, the link here explains him a hell of a lot more and he’s probably my most developed character cause i’ve worked on him since 2018 or whenever the game came out. but he’s basically my dep (and where i got my username from) so he’s your typical average white guy but he’s the gentle giant, tough but emotional kind of guy. I also have another oc who is his sister and she ends up as the captain in new dawn, i named her eleanor or ellie and they're the badass nelson siblings i guess.

Now i feel hella excited about my FC6 oc’s cause they’re new n fresh and i love em to bits >:))) but i’m still workin’ on all of them so they aren’t complete of course 

–

The first one is Manuel ‘Manny’ Suárez Landaverde and he’s an FND soldier who starts off as a medic because he loves helping people (and lowkey a victim of all of castillo’s propaganda) but he ends up getting promoted through the ranks to special forces as a sniper for his skills. I haven’t really decided if he will defect and it would be cool to make him a double agent or he turns completely to libertad or another faction of the resistance but I've mostly just been working on his personality.

He’s totally soft and shy as hell, definitely doesn’t socialise well with the other soldiers at parties (but i kinda wanna give him a grouchy fnd boyfriend too idk) and he’s got a very cosy apartment in esperanza before he moves into the special forces block in barrial. Think like lots of windows, house plants, some cool art from zenia and he definitely has a cat.

Manny is like the precious cinnamon roll meme but could kill you, he’s just over protective of those he loves but mostly he just wants to use his skills to save lives and mainly is stationed at outposts or accompanies special forces rather than actually being a full blown soldier.  But I don't have his backstory worked out yet or how to write him into the canon timeline.

–

The second is my weirdly specific but probably all time favourite Yulia Dmitrievna Mikhaylov. That’s her Russian name but once she immigrated to Yara, the Russian ‘Yulia’ became the latin ‘Julia’. She’s very much a historical character (because she’s born in 1882) because I wanted her to be like an old loving grandma by the time the first revolution came around in ‘67. I’m keeping it short and sweet here since I have like a whole ass essay on her in my drafts but she basically moves to Esperanza with her husband (think the whole soviet cuban missile crisis) because her husband is a military officer and she’s this badass spy.

Julia is like the stone cold old Russian lady who gets pissed at the FND if they bother her in town but she absolutely adores her family members to bits (and I'm currently working on her mother, father and husband who will mostly be based in Russia). 

She’s the product of two ideas basically; the first i wanted to have juan’s backstory (since ubisoft the bastards didn’t give us one) and i also wanted to have like a russian spy oc so i combined the two.

The reason why she’s gotta be old is not only to fit the historical time period of soviet influence in cuba and hence fictional yara but she ends up being a small 8 year old juan’s found family since that’s my favourite trope. I did a rough timeline of events and the closest age I can pinpoint Juan is around 73ish, like 1949 DOB.

This is important bc Julia’s husband passes away so she gets lonely and when she meets juan who’s still in an orphanage in esperanza by this point she takes him under his wing and reads him her husband’s old russian spy novels, comics, teaches him to read in russian and so on bc this is how i figured he’d get all his influence to later work for the KGB and go on to be the infamous spymaster and such.

Basically she teaches a smol juan to be an evil little shit (affectionate) and so i nicknamed her “grandma cortez” and if you read the hidden histories ‘The Cabinet of Dr.Medico - Issue #3’ which is one of Juan's comics. It's super heartfelt so she calls him “little Juanito” like the letter and it’s just core memories and found family for everyone.

I will post more about her cause i love her to bits but she’s basically juan’s badass spy grandma who's got a bunch of stories from her days and she’s partially her own cool character and my excuse to write juan’s backstory since ubisoft didn’t do it.

– 

And finally my latest oc actually doesn’t have a name yet but she’s an oluwa goddess and i’m basing her off the tirada treasures and lore, the supremo + weapons + outfit and oluso. 

i also haven't decided on a look yet, hence the two almost identical ones (i'm also conscious of trying to portray her in a way that doesn't feel overly sexual/exotic/mythical) whilst basing her look of oluso with the glowing eyes and all the symbols from the treasure hunts so she's very underdeveloped

I really want her to be like a myth in yara and an old legend so she’s gonna be thousands of years old. I have to credit @juskru for giving me such a cool idea to tie her in with the legends of 67 and specifically lucky

Her powers are definitely going to be of healing properties but she used to be much stronger. Before she could take life and death willingly and was kind of the lifeline to all living things in yara but she’s been weakened by wars and particularly when McKay Global started exploiting resources and land she can only heal wounds or injuries (and is very drained afterwards).

Even though she’s not as powerful, people still pray to her and the other Triada and I really like the idea that the Oluwa blessings are asking her to protect family members or to heal soldiers or guerrilla’s after a fight.

@juskru gave me the amazing idea to have her teach Lucky how to heal and give the basics of medicine and that’s why she’s the Legend’s top combat medic. That’s why I want to tie her story into the revolution of 67 and it reignites some of the Triada religion which the Castillo’s have historically tried to ban and suppress.

I definitely want to do more with her and the others but i’m far from finished with all of them :))))))) hope ya'll enjoy these as much as i enjoy hyperfixating lmao

#OC HOURS #far cry 6 #fc6 #far cry #fc5 #far cry 5 oc #far cry 6 oc #oc #original character #oc: caleb #oc: manny #oc: julia #juan cortez #dani rojas #clara garcia #fc6 writing #anton castillo

[whoreadsnowadays]

Hey there besties what if Cam had a cat bc I'm thinking abt my cat n I think Cam would be a cat person. So therefore I am giving him my cat.

He's got a short haired mackerel tabby cat bc that's what mine is, here are photos of him

Is this an excuse to show u my cat? Maybe a little. His name is Moxley (Mox for short) and he's a stray that just showed up on our doorstep and then we neutered him n took him in, and now he's a pathetic lap cat <3 he's still a kitten, like almost a year old I think.

Anyway Cam's cat won't be named Mox (feel free 2 give suggestions?? 👁👁)

Rise!Cam brings his kitty from his home state (of which im contemplating btw im thinkin abt backstory), a lil stray kitten he adopted like the year before he moved. Cam specifically looked for an apartment with a large walk in closet that he uses for his lil kitty's room. And that room is the only room in the house that he cleans everyday. He takes care of his tech, and his cat, and that's about it.

2012!Cam got his lil buddy after he moved to New york, he was with Casey after school and found the stray kitty shaking and dying, and immediately took him home to take care of and love him. This lil kitty is living a life of luxury, Cam spends as much money as he can on this lil guy, all the most expensive toys his teenager salary can buy.

ALSO ONE MORE THING. Rise Cam specifically paid more than he rly should've on an apartment. Bc he refused to rent, and also he needed at least a two bedroom. One for him, and the other for his lab. And while he does have a room for his lab, where most of the welding and big projects take place, he does computer stuff and small things literally everywhere. His house is covered in small unfinished projects n scrap metal. Also Cam lives alone, I have an idea why but that's for a backstory reblog at a later date. So he lives alone with his tech and his cat.

2012 Cam on the other hand lives with an extended family member, or maybe even one of his parents. This guy's backstory is even muddier than Rise's but I do know he lives with someone that he moved into New York with. Maybe an older cousin? Like I said idk, a reblog for a later date.

#Romeo Speaks #Under The Mask #Vigilante

[bexgikwang]

hello! this is soyi’s mun with my new muse gikwang, cha gikwang (get it?) i wanted to bring a new muse for a while and reading the main, i finally had an idea! below, you’ll find out more about gikwang and some plot ideas i have before i make the whole plots page and etc! read below for more and like to plot or msg if you see anything you like/have any ideas 

info

he was an affair baby but didn’t find out until he was around 16

he lived in busan with his ma until he was five and during that time, he only saw his father a hand full of times 

and his mom found her soulmate and got married when gikwang was 10

he loves his step-mom, she’s always been there for them and always encouraged his love for the arts 

he returned to korea when he was 16 to visit his grandparents (on his mom side) and fell in love with the idea of being an idol

he talked it over and chose to stay with his grandparents so he could audition and become a trainee

around this time, he met with his father, it was awkward and they haven’t spoken since and he learned he was born out of an affair! fun! 

he debuted when he was 18 under a small company in a group called imperial! (sounds like nu’est and 2am bc i’m trash for both of those groups ) sadly they disbanded by the time he turned 22 and yeah, his idol dreams are #over

he returned to the states for a year but moved back when his step-mom got a new job

he has two younger siblings a 16 year old lil bro and a five year old lil sis! adopted but they’re his FAMILY and he’s known the 16 year old since he was 10 while his little sister was adopted as a baby. he loves them, he fights for them. is worried about them being in a korea a little because they’re also proud of the fact they have two moms and he just gets it. it wasn’t perfect in the states but they lived in good city. 

everyone is in seoul, he’s an apartment but is often at his parents house. 

he also has a job as a vocal couch and a gym trainer as a personal hustle, he has something like an esty shop, he does stuffed animals, painting and wood-works ( hint hint) so fun connections!

he does want to debut again but is scared it won’t happen because of his age 

he’s a fun guy, pretty open, super protective when it comes to his family 

a gentle giant, he sometimes forgets how big he is? sometimes has a dark look but he’s deep in his thoughts 

we love cuddles :3 

has been in korea for a while but will default to english when he’s upset or struggling to explain himself 

trash for darling, quartz, yuna, lightspeed, starlie, prism, a.maze, wonderland & 4ours 

#daddyissue’s

plots 

low hanging fruit, anybody is weak in singing/rap and need’s lessons as he’s a vocal coach

but also! someone to help him out with dancing, he wasn’t a horrible dancer but that is the skill he’s neglected since disbandment 

annnnnnd people who knew of/were fans of imperial. they weren’t a huge group, their songs did fairly well for a small company but they just didn’t have that something, the group barely did variety shows but had some online content. just small and word of mouth and a disbandment that didn’t cause much buzz 

people who think’s he’s scary at first but soon realize, he’s sweet and friendly! and cute 

someone who bought a product from his shop is not happy! you want a new panting, he’ll show up to do in person, you want new stuffed animal, let’s customize it together, you want a new jewelry box! give him 7-10 business days, he has to head to busan 

i’d love some friends! he lived in busan until he was 5, came back when he was 16 and lived in seoul with his grandma (grandpa stayed in busan and he signed and debuted quickly, she moved back after), he was in korea until he was 22, left and returned...p much this year. he was able to find a job quick because of contacts kept!

he’s into training so a work out buddy or 7 

a blind date! it could end good or just as friends 

seemingly never gets upset (ha) and a muse who has known him for a while and always tries it 

that being said, you stumble across gikwang about to get into a fight and ten year old little girl crying outside some shop, you pick on things and try to calm it down (maybe an npc fills you in) and get him to realize he needs to focus on his sister and be chill (the fight will probs be about his moms) 

a muse who has a youtube channel and maybe they do duet’s and/or someone convincing him to open one 

muses who make music and need vocals!

maybe some ex’s, a little drama 

and thank you for the welcomes! i will be getting to them!

#& ooc

[blushinghrt]

introductory post <3

hiii, my name is celeste! I just made this account last night and I want to introduce myself to all who stumble upon my page. I am really new to Tumblr only gracing onto it every so often, so please spare me some patience as I try to figure out the algorithm, mechanics, and layout of this platform! With that out of the way, let's get on with it <3

Like I said earlier, my name is celeste. I go by all pronouns but I tend to stick with she/her since that is what I am addressed as most of the time. I don't label my gender tbh since it's pretty fluid, but I tend to learn more towards the feminine side of the spectrum. I am pansexual, I don't have any preference when it comes to gender.

my birthday is July 26 and below this is my birth chart. I have tropical position calculation and whole sign house system on this chart because personally I find them to be the most accurate and straightforward. Feel free to analyze it if you want!

I tried to research the myer-briggs personalities (not just take the 16 personalities quiz LMAO) and see which one I am and I belief I am an INFJ. I am pretty sure I am a 3w4 for my enneagram type. I wish I could say wether or not I am introverted or extroverted, but I can't tell because honestly I might just have social anxiety. My instinctual variant is sx/so I believe.

I live in america in the south east coast area. I am still in high school and intend on going to college, perhaps becoming a lawyer or something in business, idrk it's tbd honestly. I go to private now, but before high school, I had always gone to public. The only reason I switched is because I wanted a better education and more targeted environment. I realized a lot of people switch over because they were bullied or like geniuses who were too good for public school, but I just wanted to because I fell in love with the school.

I play soccer, used to do cross country, and plan on starting lacrosse sometime this year. I have been always involved in athletics, practically my whole life. Recently I have been feeling major burnout with soccer, so I hope lacrosse is fun for me!

my family is okay relationship-wise, in my teenage years, they have been hit-or-miss. my mom is a stay-at-home mom and my dad is military, we were lucky we didn't have to move around as much as some other folk but that was because my dad would leave by himself most of the time, but the major move we had to do was leave my home town of 9 years (age 3 to 12) to a new place and where we currently live. It was weird because we moved while I was in middle school, from where I knew everyone in the school bc it was a such a small town and where I grew up to a big city where I knew nobody in the angstiest years of our lives, the dreaded pre-teens. I also have a sister we used to be close, but we went to different high school and she just graduate so whatever.

I drabble a little bit in spirituality and magick, but I am very well a beginner. If knowledge of the spiritual was a body of water, I am not just-dipped-my-toes-in-the-pool beginner, but more like I am sitting at the edge with my feet in the water, waiting for the temp to warm up before getting in further beginner yk? So maybe intermediate ig? I would consider myself a witch and I can't wait to learn more!

cw: afterlife philosophy! (skip this next paragraph is the concept of death makes you uncomfortable or you have a belief system in place where you don't feel comfortable listening to someone else <3)

My opinions on the afterlife and the universe are kind of conflicting? I believe in the spiritual while I incorporating science as well (this isn't why I think my beliefs are conflicting btw just a general consensus ig, just because my beliefs are fluid) my beliefs are the universe is at least semi-sentient being. I believe everything is made of energy and is apart of a huge universal cycle. I believe when we die our energy is released and just like the water cycle or rock cycle, there is many paths our energy can take and there isn't a set one. I believe energy can do many things after death, like disperse with no direction among the universe, join to an objects or persons energy, recycle into another body like in reincarnation, collect in a certain area as a form of heaven or whatever, stay in the death place as a ghost, transverse dimensions or realities, perform many of these options, or none, etc. I believe even things we wouldn't consider like touchable or observable have energy, like things we wouldn't consider 'real'. Like I believe that every god, every devil, every entity, every person, every fictional character, every place, every object have energy and existence (even if its not a physical one, or observable) because the universe is giving it energy. what I mean by this is for example, people in the world believing in the christian god makes it real because all that energy is amassing for that concept. To be 'real' is hard to define because what makes me more real than someone else? (I try to incorporate the multiverse theory here as well) What if this person existed in another reality where I do not, what happens then? who is more real at that point? Moving on from that, I actually don't have a belief on the origins of our universe tbh, besides the obvious scientific explanation of the Big Bang. In this case I mean more of like a reason and not a cause, like why we came about and by who/what? It hard to wrap my head around nothingness void to the whole expanding infinite universe. My beliefs after the start of the universe is that is when matter and energy were introduced and is when everything was created. From then all that energy has recycled, for example my beliefs on soul: I believe that at the beginning of the universe a set number of souls were made of like pure *soul energy*, as time has gone on souls have changed and transferred, like split original souls are what makeup soul mates, souls that have picked up an objects or places energy are what make people drawn to certain things in life, or soul energy being lost among the universe is what makes seemingly inanimate have 'human'-like qualities, or how some people have the same energy as someone else is just made up of some of their soul energy or their energy comes from like a similar area in the universe, etc. It just gives you a lot to think about yk? I believe the consciousness is extremely powerful and I believe in the law of assumption, it plays on 'I think therefore I am'. It bases itself on the question can somebody prove they are conscious to you, like can it be proven that you and me are conscious in the same way. The answer to that is no, you can't prove it, because anything they come up as evidence can easily be disproven by your own brain. LOA plays on everybody is you pushed out, as in (my interpretation) your consciousness is apart of every person you encounter, every object, every concept, every aspect of your life is shaped by yourself, as in the way you perceive it and assumptions you have around it since you are the only 'prove-able' thing in existence. Your reality is shaped by you, this is why every afterlife belief is correct in my eyes because you assume it is, then creating your reality. Yet even after this, after all my calming explanation of death not being the end of your journey, I am still scared of death, ironic.

I have many many interest that hope I get to share on this platform, so speed round on basic topics and I'll get deeper later! I like anime/manga, I like literature, I like documentaries, I like video games, I like YouTubers, I like movies, I like researching, I like art, I like painting, I like print-making, I like history, I like economics, I like civics, I like politics, I like fashion, I like philosophy, I like cosmetics, I like beauty-related things, I like photography, I like cinematography, I like animals, I like shaping my aesthetic, I like sports, I like moral dilemmas, I like tons of shit!

I like anime and manga. I like cheesy romcoms, sports, and slice of life. I like shonen and shoujo. My favorites are horror, adventure, sci-fi, and (most importantly) psychological. Some of my first animes were Ouran Highschool Host Club, Sword Art Online, Haikyuu, Maid-Sama, Saiki K, etc. I love Death Note, Great Pretender, Jujutsu Kaisen, Erased, HunterxHunter, Attack on Titan, Sk8 the Infinity, Beastars, Demon Slayer, Viral Hit (How to Fight), Tokyo Ghoul, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Danganronpa, Promised Neverland, Yuri!! On Ice, and much more! I plan on watching/reading Lain, Blue Period, Neon Genesis Evangelion (and all its movies as well), Tokyo Revengers, One Piece (eventually LMAO), Naruto, Blue Lock, Blue Flag, and more! Please recommend things to watch or message me to talk about some that I have already watched.

I like literature. I stick mostly to fictions, but I am not opposed to non-fiction every so often for research on history or science. I love fantasy and mystery, thrillers and horror are super cool as well. I love books that make you think, books that build a foreign world so well and truly absorb you, books that play on historical events, parallel universes, or completely magical realms, books that incorporate philosophy subtlety, books that have a bit of every thing relationship-wise (romance, friendship, family, parental figures, enemies, rivals, strangers, or more obscure relationship types). Off the top of my head there's no books that come to mind but please give me recs if you feel like it!

I like documentaries. I find I tend to slide to the darker topics and I find tragedy one of the most interesting concepts. But I also love stupid little nature documentaries like from Disney (LMAO). I love behind the scenes documentaries of famous films, video games, music, and more like The Movies That Made Us. I like military and political documentaries as well like How to Become a Tyrant, I like the reenactments of historical scenes. I LOVE true crime documentaries, they are some of my favorites. I like watching the behind the scene of corrupted business like Blackfish. I like watching cult documentaries too, like Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey. Again recs and discussion are welcomed!

I like video games! I love complex, decision-based games like Until Dawn, House of Ashes, Life is Strange, Best Month Ever, Detroit Becomes Human, etc. Those are so of my favorites! I love horror: I like the fnaf games and like watching people play them. I like maze-like horror games like At Dead of Night or Dark Deception or Baldi's Basics. I like puzzle horror games like Little Nightmares or House or Inscryption or Twelve Minutes or Franbow or Danganronpa. I like crack comedy games like the Henry Stickmin Collection or West of Loathing or Totally Accurate Battle Simulator. I like survival games based on strategy and decisions like 60 Secs or Oxygen Not Included. I like comedic thought-invoking morality games like Stanley Parable or Paper's Please or Mind Scanners. I like story building horror games like Fears to Fathom or Chilla's Art. I like 3rd Person Adventure games like Spider-Man Miles Morales or The Hitman Games. I like general survival games like Raft, Subnautica, or The Forest. I like combat games like Sifu, Sleeping Dogs, Elden Ring, Mortal Kombat, or GTA. I like indie games a lot! I like rhythm games like Friday Night Funkin. The general games like Minecraft, Among Us, First-Person/Third-Person Shooters, etc. I like a full range of games! recs and discussion welcomed!

I like YouTubers! I love markipler, jacksepticeye, coryxkenshin, berleezy, dashiegames, poiised, britani, ricothegiant, game theorist, lordminion777, muyskerm for gamers. I like bob the drag queen, trixie mattel, safiya nygaard, simply nailogical, nikkietutorials, hyram for beauty related stuff. I like good mythical morning, team edge, try guys, brittany_broski, sarah schauer, drew afualo, bailey sarian, buzzfeed unsolved/watcher (ryan and shane) for more general content.

I love movies. I love marvel and superhero movies. I love horror movies. I love Disney and Pixar's animated films and cartoons. I love claymation films. I love psychological movies. I love comedies. My top movies are Coraline, Ratatouille, Princess and the Frog, Tangled, Spiderman: Into the Multiverse, Black Swan, Gone Girl, Us, Midsommar, Blair Witch Project, Dunkirk, Knives Out, Ocean's Eight, Etc.

This is a just a little preview for who I am and my content. I gave enough for you to see if we have something in common or perhaps I do or think something that intrigues you. please reach out to be mutuals! so peace, love ya <3 - celeste

#blushing #blushing heart #blushingheart #blushinghrt #blushing hrt #heart #hrt #<3 #<33 #<333 #<3333 #<333333 #ily #xoxo #love #I love you #Ilysm #hi guys #hi ily #hi everyone #hi mutuals #mutual #moot #mutuals #mutual app #mutual? #moot? #moots? #mutuals? #mutual application

[levitateing]

hi  i've  been  gone  for  a  bit  and  will  get  to  replies  SOONEST  i  promise  ..  but  in  the  meantime  ...  here  are  relationship  dynamics  i  want  based  on  books  i’ve  recently  read  bc  i'm  insatiable  and  i  want  all  the  plots  in  the  world  thank  you  !  🤭  all  of  these  are  m/f  romances  in  the  book  but  as  always  i  am  keen  to  play  out  whatever  relationship  you  would  like  !  

simon  &  eileen  from  beautiful  world,  where  are  you  —  i’m  a  little  older  than  you  and  we’ve  been  friends  since  we  were  kids.  i  grew  up  near  your  house  and  was  closer  to  you  than  your  older  sibling  whom  everyone  adored,  i  looked  after  you  when  no  one  else  did,  and  i  think  i’ve  always  been  a  little  bit  in  love  with  you  but  you  never  felt  the  same  way.  i  date  other  people  but  it  never  lasts,  partially  because  i’m  incapable  of  letting  people  in,  but  i  think  it’s  partly  also  because  in  my  mind’s  eye  they’ll  never  be  you.  sometimes  we  fool  around  on  the  phone,  sometimes  in  person,  but  you’ve  always  made  it  clear  that  you  only  want  to  be  friends  (  maybe  out  of  fear  that  if  something  were  to  happen  it  would  destroy  our  friendship  )  but  all  i  deeply  want  in  life  is  to  make  you  happy,  can  you  let  me  do  that  ?

alice  &  felix  from  beautiful  world,  where  are  you  —  my  job  has  made  me  fairly  famous  and  because  of  the  constant  scrutiny  and  criticism  (  and  even  the  praise  )  i  faced  i  had  a  bit  of  a  breakdown  and  am  now  taking  some  time  off  in  a  small  town  away  from  the  city.  you’ve  lived  here  all  your  life  and  have  a  fairly  modest  job,  while  i’ve  never  really  “worked”  a  day  of  my  life.  we  go  on  a  blind  date  and  it’s  awful,  our  conversations  strained,  disjointed.  but  you  have  no  idea  who  i  am  and  that,  to  me,  is  beyond  intriguing.  then  someone  from  work  tells  me  i  have  to  take  a  trip  out  of  the  country  to  somewhere  scenic  and  picturesque,  and  against  all  logic  i  ask  you  to  come.  you  say  yes.

mr  darcy  &  elizabeth  from  pride  and  prejudice  —  my  circle  and  your  circle  couldn’t  be  further  apart,  but  in  a  twist  of  events  my  best  friend  falls  in  love  with  your  older  sister.  i  meet  you  and  and  your  family  and  find  myself  disdained  at  the  sight  of  you  all,  and  you  overhear  me  making  a  snide  remark  to  my  best  friend  about  it.  you  develop  a  hate  for  me  at  first  sight,  but  on  my  end  i  begin  to  fall  ardently  in  love  with  you.  soon  someone  i  hate  (  an  ex,  an  old  friend  )  spreads  rumors  about  me  that  you  catch  wind  of  and  you  hate  me  even  more,  even  if  that  isn’t  true,  but  somehow  your  contempt  towards  me  spurs  me  to  become  a  better  person.

cleo  &  frank  from  cleopatra  and  frankenstein  —  we  meet  in  an  elevator  at  a  mutual  friend’s  party.  you’re  older  than  me,  but  witty,  and  you  shower  me  with  compliments  and  i  can’t  help  but  be  enamored.  we  fall  in  love  quickly  and  get  married  within  months,  much  to  the  chagrin  of  everyone  around  us.  but  the  masks  we’ve  put  up  in  front  of  everyone  else  —  and  even  with  each  other  —  have  to  come  down  eventually,  and  we  learn  things  about  each  other  that  make  us  wonder  if  this  was  the  right  move.

#˖ ࣪ . 🫧 ࿐ ♡ ˚ . 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐦 ⌗ wishlist ! #i hav muses ready for the first n last plot dont even try me .. #anyway. just hit me up :flushed:

[jadedrrose]

Man fuck it I’m ranting here lol

(Y’all do not need to read this at all)

My 2 friends like do not understand I don’t want to cut off my family? Anytime I say “oh my parents pissed me off today but it’s like fine I’m just mad” they immediately tell me I have to run away and cut them off?? And then I’ll entertain them and be like “ok but where do I go? Because if I cut them off by extension I’m cutting off my cousins/extended family and can’t stay with them” and then they just go “oh idk figure it out” BUT THEN WHEN ONE OF THEM RAN AWAY WHEN THEY CAME OUT AS NON BINARY THE OTHER ONE OFFERED FOR THEM TO LIVE WITH HER???? I also don’t even have a fucking car because I’m poor as shit, so how do they expect me to leave with no help at all when I also have 6 animals to take with me. Their other solution is then “you need to go to college then bc you’ll have a dorm” but bro??? if I’m already poor with no car that ain’t gonna work, and I had my only change of getting a scholarship taken away because I had a shitty teacher in HS who failed the whole class. Also not to mention how hard it is to get hired?? I’ve applied to at least 15 places and only heard back from 4, all of which was just to tell me “actually we can’t hire you because you have no experience”.

And then there’s the fact I’m bi but due to excessive bullying from when I was in school I basically have a mindset of nobody could ever possibly find me attractive, so I can’t ever get married (bc I’m the type who’d be dating for long term stuff, absolutely no flings at all). So whenever I’m talking about that I’ll say “no guy would want me anyway I’m gross looking and have high standards” they’ll tell me “oh just marry a girl then” but like, no. Maybe I would date a girl (but again, I want to date to find the one I wanna spend my life with) but I can’t ever see myself marrying one, especially when my family would probably disown me if I did lol. (And is it wrong to say I would prefer a guy? Like I have crushes on girl characters n stuff but I’ve never seen a girl irl and wanted to fall on the floor and beg for her to love me lol) So then they say I have to cut them off so I can go marry a woman but like, I never even said I wanted to marry a woman? 😭 idk how they don’t understand this.

My last straw is that my mom might hire me to be a teacher at her preschool so then I was like “oh well I hate waking up early, so in theory I could go to sleep at like 7-8 pm and wake up around 3 ish so that I’m already up” and then they got mad at me for considering it ?? They were like “what if she just wants to use you for labor and not pay you? You’re just gonna be relying on her forever then” ???? Why would my mom not pay me… when she offered me higher pay compared to the retail stuff I’ve applied to……. what isn’t clicking….so then I said “it doesn’t matter anyway I’m not moving away until I can afford a small house, I’d have too much anxiety (I’m scared somebody around me would leave their oven or something on and then burn down my apartment where my beloved cats, puppy and snake would be) to live in an apartment” and apparently that logic makes no sense because I HAVE to leave now. I’m only 18, how could I possibly leave even if I wanted to???? uuughhfhtngnnfnfnffjfjgn

I don’t wanna cut my friends off either bc they’re literally the only friends I have left. And like usually they’re fine otherwise but idk

If you read this I am sorry but also grateful lol, I hope my train wreck life is at least entertaining like a Reddit AITA would be

#ranting

[celestialpotat0]

july begins

When i last wrote in here, i was sad having had to leave the tahoe area knowing that it might possibly be my last trip into the mountains this summer. last chance to experience beautiful wilderness in all of summer's glory. and i ended my reflection with how i needed to turn to appreciating small, everyday occurrences.

so in the spirit of cherishing the ordinary life on the peninsula, away from my friends and family in socal, away from the frequent fun adventures of my 20s, and not being able to travel bc of working more than 40hrs a week lol, wanted to jot down favorite moments from last few weeks:

thinh's fourth of july bbq party at her house on 7/3. woke up the next day after the party with a headache from not drinking enough water the night before, i fail. it's been a cold summer, like why is it freezing outside at night in july. but i enjoyed meeting nice people, karaokeing was a blast, and am really happy to have such a wonderful person as a friend. we work at different hospitals but can relate in many ways. i've always considered summer to be full of events that break up the monotony of the rest of the year, and i'm happy this felt like that. instead of the new normal adulting summer when im no longer graduating anything or celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next

on 7/4 we went to a college campus on a hill and were able to see fireworks from foster city, redwood city, shoreline amphitheater, and more

dinner and drinks with lauren, doris, and chloe. it hasnt been easy leaving behind my friends in socal and moving to a new area; during the first part of my time here, there were occasions when i cried feeling lonely. ive really made an effort to use dance as a means to feel connected to others. you cant just expect friends to happen, you have to put in the work to build a community of support. i'm grateful to have found some ladies who share a love of dance. i like that we all come from different occupations and grew up in different parts of the world but can bond over participating in this art.

swam outdoors on a hot day in a 25-meter pool. free of electronics for an hour, just focused on each breath and motion to propel me through the water

moved into a new apartment. the novelty in and of itself is enough to make me happy, which says questionable things about me such as to what extent have i fallen victim to consumerism. at my previous apartment i never fully unpacked. i had plastic bags of stuff strewn haphazardly in bathroom cabinets. i kept prioritizing other things in my life over organizing my bathroom, closet, and pantry. but now everything in the bathroom is exactly where i want it to be. my small victory is so satisfying: unpacked and organized the bathroom completely. im not going to allow myself to travel until i fully organize the apartment this time.

I feel like it's the beginning of a new phase in the bay area. im getting more accustomed to work, and my commute is short now. i have a good amount of PTO planned. now have a list of activities that have been discussed to do with friends and the only problem is lack of free time--and lack of time is a better problem to have than lack of people who are willing to do them with you. im currently on a hiatus from scheduled dance, and for the time being im dancing only on a drop-in basis, which has actually been a huge sigh of relief; it's been good for my mental health to have less commitments on my plate. now my days off are actually days off where i can choose to dance if i want. while it's extremely rewarding to dance, not having any true days off (bc i would always have dance scheduled and mandatory on my days off from work) was detrimental and making me burnt out. in this new phase, i want to expect to travel less and say no more often and reserve time on my days off to be truly off.

[trickstarbrave]

we need to invent a new word for when the place ur living in just sucks so bad u hate everything and lose a bit of enjoyment from life. like regular depression but different. 

i just moved out of our old apartment we stayed in since june 2019. the walls were tall, grey-white with grey carpet and grey-brown counters and a too small kitchen. the ceilings were tall but in an uncomfortable way, with lots of pipes and vents and beams painted grey. there were exactly 3 windows in the whole 2 bedroom apartment, two side by side in the living room, one tiny narrow one in our bedroom. there was little view to speak of, just more brick and a view of the sky and some birds our cats would watch in the morning. there was very very few overhead lights-- one over a table that was sort of a dining room but mostly was my gf’s desk, and some small led ones in the kitchen. that was it. no bedrooms had lights, we had to use exclusively lamps and given how tall the ceilings were they did very little to help brighten it up

i was enthusiastic at first abt living with my gf and starting a new chapter in life. i tried to make myself at home, get settled in. i tried cooking more, and i became frustrated with the narrow kitchen. even tho i am basically nocturnal the lack sunlight was wearing on me. i would have gone outside more, but im disabled and our building was not as wheelchair accessible as they liked to claim--i was basically stuck unless i wanted to make sure someone went with me to help get me to the door and open them for me, so just talking a walk outside was a giant pain.

slowly, even before lockdown, i lost my luster for life and going outside. i didn’t wanna bother. lockdown intensified it, i think, as before i would find reasons to go out even in the freezing cold, bc at least in the city as dreary as it was there was Stuff. Places. new things to try. then there wasn’t even that. i stared at grey-white walls and hated it. i hated how tall the ceilings were. we couldn’t even change the batteries in the smoke detectors if they were low bc they were 12 feet in the fucking air and loud as shit so we had to call maintenance (they went off while we were moving out. maintenance didn’t even come for reference, and the manager just said ‘she would talk to them’ and then hung up on me like we didnt have to sleep there with them blaring all night). clutter piled up easily and stressed me out but i had no motivation to clean. i only realize looking back that i fucking hated that place. if i could paint the walls or have more windows or a fucking balcony i would probably feel at least a little better but we couldnt so much as hang smth up without permission and if we did we had to pay a fine to our landlord.

and believe me i know people have it worse. i know some people have to live with massive roach infestations, or mold problems, or the walls caving in, or faulty wiring. i know people have to live with shitty or no water, barely scraping by, and this isnt to say they dont suffer, they probably suffer the same thing but more. 

we had to move out bc the cold was just not doing a lot of us favors and i missed my home state, but we weren’t able to find a place to rent. luckily my great grandma passed away in 2016 and my family was able to keep the house. its not in any condition to sell or rent or anything as a lot of the pipes are old and clogged, and the AC vents were put DIRECTLY on top of the wiring so the place is a hazard but (probably) wont actively kill us, and my family said we can live here if we help fix it up and dont mind the inconvenience. i know its more than other ppl have and im thankful for it. we (mostly) have AC, one working shower, toilets, a fridge, a haunted microwave, internet i had to pay to get set up, and a place to sleep. but now i can just take a step out on the porch. enjoy the slightly cool air of early morning and how it smells. i can open the windows and get sunlight and let my cats freely watch birds. our kitchen isnt cramped. things are kinda dirty but they are warm colors with lower ceilings and despite how worn the house is and how much work it needs it feels like a breath of fresh air. like an actual place designed for ppl to live in and enjoy living in rather than smth resembling an underground bunker. 

i think we as a society have undermined the very real fact that is: people need nice places to live to be mentally healthy too. we need to be able to get fresh air, and sunlight at least a few hours a day, and have control over our spaces. they are not luxuries but instead something core to the human experience we should acknowledge and encourage. we can’t just keep making shitty industrial apartments build like prisons or bunkers. humans are animals we need like, enrichment. pleasure. comfort. small things that make life a little easier. things you dont realize you need until you’re very far gone or finally get them back and realize how miserable you were.