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foryouthegays · 3 years

Text

First Meeting [Dream SMP] liveblog and summary w/ timestamps lets gooo

(Time taken: 1:58:56)

(Words: 1,235)

Enjoy!

Summary:

Techno starts the stream in his house. He talks to chat and about the stream, and eventually starts talking to Phil. They go over the Syndicate book and make some copies. While finding chickens, Niki asks Techno where he is, and says she wants to meet with him. Techno tells her to “follow the suspicious compass.” After a few minutes, she finds their house, and is invited inside. She reads the book and agrees to join the Syndicate.

While talking, Techno spots Ranboo spying on them, and goes outside to ask what he’s doing. Techno asks how much Ranboo heard, and Niki asks if he’s not allowed to know.

Ranboo questions her logic and says that if you want to keep a secret, you really shouldn’t be going around asking if someone’s allowed to know something. Techno agrees, and decides to ask Ranboo if he wants to join the Syndicate. He agrees.

After a few minutes of talking, and a quick sellout timer, they bring Ranboo and Niki to the lava pool, and Phil jumps in. It’s the new way to the meeting room, and a trust test. They go the the meeting room, which looks amazing, and start their first meeting with discussion about The Egg.

Techno says that he’ll talk to people and learn more about the Egg. He starts talking about a new government forming to the West of L’Manburg. They agree to investigate the rumors.

Before they leave, Ranboo reveals that Tommy died, to mixed reactions. Techno’s indifferent at worst, excited at best, and the others are in denial, and need to see a body to believe it.

They leave to go to Snowchester, and start talking to Tubbo. After some conversation, they agree that Snowchester isn’t a government, and Tubbo invites them to see his crater. They’re impressed, and say that they’ll call him if they ever need to kill a god. They go back to Snowchester and the prison, and Techno breaks part of the roof for fun.

Eventually, they make it back home. They tear down the dirt fortress in front of their yard, and then Techno ends the stream.

Times of Note (loreish):

3:45 Phil joins the call

7:00 he shows the updated Syndicate book, which reads:

This Syndicate is formed to serve as a network for fellow Anarchists to meet, exchange information, and cooperate in the mutual pursuit of Anarchy and the fight against Tyranny.

We shall have no Leader; no Member shall be compelled to act against their will. No Member shall reveal information about the Syndicate to outsiders.

Technoblade shall serve as the Recruiter to induce new Members into the Syndicate with Approval from a majority of Members.

14:20 Niki asks where Techno is.

16:20 Niki shows up at their door and joins the call.

20:40 Ranboo is spotted spying on them.

34:20 they start bringing Ranboo and Niki to the meeting room.

36:50 syndicate room reveal

37:40 he shows their code names, which are

Technoblade - Protesilalus

Phil - Zephyrus

??? - Harpocrates

48:15 Ranboo reveals that Tommy is dead.

Times of Note (just bc fun lmao):

1:30, 2:02, 2:07 he clap :]

22:09 a deep friendship :) aww thank you! That was adorable

26:45 ‘reblog’ techno r. R u on tumblr technoblade

30:50, 1:00:50, 1:33:30 Sellout timer my beloved

Tubbo dies 6 times before he manages to say that someone trapped him im gonna cry this is amazing

1:03:53 Du du duuu

1:07:05 TECHNOLAUGH TECHNOLAUGH TECHNOLAUGH!!!!

1:23:55 2 4 6. 8 who do we appreciate not the government yeahh

1:33:40 technosneeze?

Liveblog:

Startinggg the streammm my beloved

1:15 ‘well at least im gonna get valuable feedback from my chat, lets see what theyre saying. Late, late, late late late, late’ GOD ive missed his humor

3:45 philza minecraft philza minecraft philza minecraft

Techno has 6 mil subscribers and still doesnt know how to stream. I love him <3

6:00 ah yes, fences, the best way to stop snow

7:00 syndicate book my beloved

7:35 ‘when you have to do a group project in school, do you form a temporary government to get it done?’ S;ALKSDJFALKSDFJA technoblade my beloved

8:20 ‘listen, my high school understandin’ of philosophy will easily defeat the average viewers middle school understandin’’ FGHSKJDLA love he

Techno n philzas interactions r just. So good

16:20 NIKI!!!!!!! Oh my gosh he just closes the door in her face im gkjfhsdla

17:05 ‘im not a fool, im not a foolish fool who doesnt test things before he does them on stream’ love he

17:35 was v sir billiam voice

God technos humor is just. 10/10

Currently obsessed w how in canon niki is like, probably a bit scared of techno n then she goes over there and hes like. Do u think i can bring steve to the syndicate like his image is SO different from how he acts in the arctic i love it

22:55 ‘i would NEVER hurt another human being’ mhm sure techno

Mmmm technos voice when he starts asking people bout anarchy my beloved

Techno rlly does just say things doesnt he. Like i say that abt tommy a lot but techno just. Does he think? Yes. Does he just ramble abt whatever he wants? Also yes

13:10 Obsessed w how fast he ran when the sellout timer went off

32:05 BIG fan of this dono, it’s from J.J.M. Nobody for 50$ and it says ‘You know a hero once associated with pigs lead an army against tyranny.In fact he was supposed to be immortal, if he didnt commit a grevious sin. It made the voice in his head leave him to die. You wouldnt know anything about that?right Tydeus?’

Also i love how technos horrible upload/stream schedule is just him hibernating in canon

36:50 YOOOO THE SYNDICATE ROOM LOOKS SO GOOD

39:28 guys what if i stole phils code name and made it zephyris instead of zephyrus /hj (also who do yall think Harpocrates is?)

Obsessed w how obvious technos trying to make it that theyre not the good guys like the symbol being a wither? The room being all dark n stuff? They have to get in through l a v a? Love it. 10/10 would join

41:15 ‘its a meetin’ room, lets have our first meeting. So, uh, what the fuck is up with the egg, dude?’ GJKHDFSL phil is so good

42:05 OBSESSED with how, canonically, the egg wasnt able to take hold of techno or ranboo bc their heads r already so full of voices

44:10 the TIMING of tubbo dying when theyre talkin bout his place is hilarious

48:25 ‘dream..beat him to death’ ‘yoooo thats a pog’ GDHJKFL TECHNOBLADE

1:02:20 POTATO ROOM SELLOUT LETS GOOOO

1:07:05 HE LAUGH!!!!!! HE LAUGH!! ! ! !

Techno making fun of tubbos tunnel is so good im gonna cry ‘if i were to give any constructive criticism id say that your tunnel SUCKS’ (1:07:50)

1:21:20 why is ther ejust. A random piston ;akdjlafja

#technoblade #first meeting [dream smp]#feel free to send an ask if u have questions or want tws or anythin!

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hu4ngs · 4 years

Note

Ten as a boyfriend pls! Thank you!!

ohhhh boi

omg this baby

first of all congrats, you’ve got yourself a MAN

so let’s go from a to z

you met him when you attended your friend’s (let’s say guanheng) sports match

you weren’t all close to guanheng, so you have no idea who’s in his friend’s circle

and you were very much surprised that he asked you - of all people - to go to his match

so as a token of gratitude, you attended

you sat on the bleachers

you sat next to ten ;)

your first thought when you saw him was that you think he looks so much alike guanheng

when ten caught you staring, him being a lil shit, he just HAD to call you out, playfully, of course

“take a picture, it lasts longer”

you’re confused and taken aback

“i’m sorry, what?”

he laughed at you, before shaking his head

“i was kidding!” he told you

and then you laughed, but you were still very confused

ten, on the other hand, just brushed it off

although he’s a little embarrassed that his joke didn’t come through

there was an awkward silence between you two now

“so who are you here for?” he asked

“my friend, guanheng. he said this is his first time being a regular, so he wants every one he knows to -”

“to go see his match?” he finished your sentence for you

you’re really confused with this man

you nodded nevertheless, “how’d you know?”

surprise surprise

guanheng and him are friends!

so you two exchanged instagrams cuz why not

he’s hot, you’re hot, i don’t see a problem here

and then it just continued on since then

you’d reply to his story

he’d reply to your story

it continued on like that for about two months

and then ten finally tells you that he’d like to have your number

you’re more than happy to give them to you

then you two started playing imessage games together

ten: damn you really suck at cup pong, y/n

you: literally leave me alone

ten: saving your number as ‘loser’ now

this goes on for a few more months i tell you

because ten is a prideful person

he’s not just gonna give in and admit to himself (or to anyone, for that matter) that he has fallen in love

plus, if you’re gonna get TEN to have a crush on you, you’re gonna have to wait longer than 3 months, this man isn’t here for puppy love, he’s here for LOVE love

after months, and you two are noticeably comfortable with each other now, you started opening up a little

every now and then you’d talk about your day to him

and ten appreciates that

he feels needed

he feels wanted

and he loves feeling that way

he loves feeling important to someone

even if he doesn’t open up as much as you do, you didn’t mind

you figured when he wants to open up, he will

and he noticed this about you, and totally loved this about you

plus to you, it’s not a big matter anywas

oh, you’re so oblivious with your feelings for him that was increasingly growing that’s why you’re so tolerable for him

one fine day

more like night

you were texting him

and ten asked you out

das right

just you two, out on a date

he was so straightforward about it??? big dick energy right there

n e ways

you’re like holy shit holy fuck oh my god wow

of course you said yes

only an absolute fool wouldn’t say yes to ten

so the next day yall meet up

he looks stunning

you look stunning

oh god i love a power couple

ten’s a little shy than he was the last time you saw him

and when he’s shy, he giggles and smiles a lot its adorable i tell you i’m so in love with you, ten

anywAys

he took you out to see a movie

and there wasn’t any bomb movie at that time so yall settled with a horror movie

but its shitty though

but it’s okay bc it’s the memories that matters xoxo

ten purposely picked the couple seat btw

he’s a sly fox

like i said it was a crappy horror movie so you weren’t really scared

but ten was surprisingly kept on his toes during some parts

considering all the times ten had teased you thru text

you decided to jumpscare him

you whispered-yelled a ‘boo!’ to him during the suspense part

and he actually S C R E A M

mans screamed LMAO

the few people who came to watch the movie gave you two quick glances

“i’m gonna beat your ass, y/n!” he told you

but you were too busy laughing to react to him

after the movie ended

ten was still a lil mad that you embarrassed him like that

so you decided to take him to an arcade

ten quickly got over it and was excited to beat you in games like he usually does

“try beating me in real basketball the same way you did in the imessage version, loser!” ten told you

and obviously he won

virtual basketball and actual basketball are two different things

and you sucked at sports, even if its just an arcade game

i hope you know what basketball game im talking about omfg

and then you decided to play that shooting game where you have to kill zombies

it was nerve-wrecking

you two were literally SO loud with letting out frustrations about how the zombies should just ‘leave you alone’ and how they should ‘go fuck themselves’

but yall actually won the game!!

you losers actually WON!!

you were so happy because you’re so used to losing in games

that you just,,, pulled ten into a hug

as you excitedly laugh, happily telling him that you’ve won because of how good your teamwork was

your ear was pressed exactly to where his heart was

and you’re surprised that his heart was beating so fast and so loudly

maybe it’s just the adrenaline from playing the game

so you brushed it off

then you went out to eat together

and when yall were eating

you talked to each other a bit more

talking about random things and facts about yourselves

you know,,, small talk and shit

ten, at this point, had already acknowledged that he has feelings for you

but after knowing how much you’re well educated about things he’s interested in, he falls harder for you

as you were busy talking

he couldn’t help but hold one of your hand that was on the table

you quickly became quiet as you stared down at his hand

“ten?”

“hey, y/n?”

you nodded as a response, wondering what the hell is he up to now

“do you think i’m a dumbass?”

you laughed at that question, not thinking much of it

you are, in fact, more intrigued with him holding your hand like that

“sure, sometimes you are”

he chuckled at your answer

and then he made eye contact with you

“well am i a dumbass if i told you that i like you? and that i wanna date you?”

you almost choked on your food

“wait! wait, wait. do you mean that?”

“of course”

you didn’t think twice

you’ve never been so sure about an answer your WHOLE life until now

“then yes, you are a dumbass! but, i like dumbasses. especially cute ones like you”

oh boy ten loves his baby confident like that btw ^

and voila! ever since then you two became a couple

NOW i was so into writing this

let’s get to the point

him as your boyfriend?

nothing changed much

except now he takes you out in so much dates

he loves you so much, and he’s constantly reminding you

he’s not one to admit his love as often as it seemed, so he’d show it through his act of kindness

he knows how much you appreciate the little things

so, he’d shower you with little things

he’d tell you to be safe when you’re on your way to somewhere

facetimes/calls you whenever you tell him a good news, just to congratulate you and say ‘i love you and i’m proud of you, baby!’

he has a lot of petnames for you

baby, angel, babe, honey, darling, fatass, loser, the list goes on

he comes over so often you have a hard time trying to sneak him out whenever your family member comes back from work/school

he’d tease you a lot for being scared to introduce him to your parents though

but he doesn’t mind, when you’re ready, you’re ready

he doesn’t really hug a lot

he kisses you a lot though

he lovesssss giving you a peck on your lips

when you two meet up? kiss

when you’re going back home? kiss

when you made a funny joke? kiss

when he finds you adorable? kiss

oh my god your first kiss with him was totally accidental

ten was showing you his new art and you complimented him

it boosted his self confidence

and then he was jokingly saying “your boyfriend is such a genius artist, don’t you think?”

he was walking towards you at the same time

then he accidentally tripped whilst he was rambling on about how amazing he is

but it’s okay he landed straight into your arms so you managed to catch him before he falls and breaks his nose

BUT his lips landed a centimetre away from your lips

when he pulled back he was like O__O

“did i kiss you?”

“no”

“aw, that sucks”

you were kinda blushing now

he saw you like this, and took this opportunity

he quickly wrapped his arm around your waist, and leaned in to kiss you

it wasn’t THAT passionate

but it was sweet

he was smiling in the kiss when you kissed back

when he pulled away, your noses were still touching

and he took the time to admire your beautiful face

“i love you, babe”

ANYWAYS!! OH MY GOD THIS IS GETTING ME IN MY FEELS!!!!

he compliments you a lot too

he’s constantly reminding you that you’re beautiful

sometimes he invites you when he’s going out with guanheng/taeyong/johnny because he wants everyone he cares about to meet you

he talks about you a lot to his family, too

saying how lovely you are, and how smart you are

and that his family would absolutely adore you when you meet them

god he praises you so much he literally boosts your confidence

oh ALSO!!!

he’d go to every event you joined

you’re doing a performance at your school/college? he’s there to support you

your school’s doing an open carnival and you’re the host for the event? he’ll be there

you’re at a math championship? he’s sitting amongst the crowd praying you’d do your best

you’re volunteering? you’re going together because no way in hell is he gonna let you do all these hard work without his help

you appreciate this so much, it means a lot to you

during your anniversaries/birthday, he’d surprised you a lot

he’d buy you the gift that you didn’t remember telling him that you wanted it

along with 10 other gifts that he bought you

he’ll take you to that fancy restaurant you’ve been eyeing a lot whenever you two go out

he’ll also remind you how much he loves you because you just mean so much to him

whenever you two argue

he’s usually a dick ngl

he’s got a sassy mouth

it’s not his fault if he roasts you

also

you two argue quite often too

some more serious than the other

ten builds a big wall around his heart because he’s just a guarded person in general

it takes a long time for him to open up and trust someone

but once he does, he trusts said people very dearly

even so, whenever you argue, it’d take a while for him to cheer up

it takes an even longer time if he was in the wrong, because he’s quite an egotistical person

but once he cools down completely

he’ll go see you

and he’ll cuddle with you for as long as he can

caressing your hair

whispering sweet nothings into your ear

he does feel guilty of course, but its kinda difficult for him to apologise, so he does these act of kindness instead as an apology

he doesn’t mean anything that he said when he argued with you though

he was simply just trying to win the argument

he’s so glad that you’re able to tolerate with him

because not a lot of people can

he appreciates you a lot for that

he makes it clear that he’d do anything for you because you’re simply worth the effort

in conclusion

ten would be an amazing boyfriend for you

he loves you dearly

he will be the best boyfriend ever

his hugs will linger with you for days

his kisses gets sweeter each time he kiss you

although he can be an ass sometimes

it can’t be helped, that’s part of ten’s nature

he’s a lil mischievous, so you need to tolerate with that, the same way he’ll have (and will) tolerate with your bad sides too

please don’t ever let him go

ten as your boyfriend will make you forget about you exes, he’s just THAT amazing

i said it countless times but im gonna say it again

he loves you so much, so so so so so much, you’re his own personal angel to him

147 notes · View notes

wongiemei · 4 years

Text

2. Fear

a/n: aNgST wHO?

The Underworld was, ironically, above water.

Situated on the vast Pacific, a large island, about twice the size of the United States of America, is known as the Capital. With spells and magic, all of the Coven kingdoms were hidden in plain sight with one being in the Atlantic, some scattered near Antarctica and one at the Indian Ocean.

One of the famous ones that humans might recognize is the Bermuda triangle.

There are 3 kingdoms at the Atlantic Ocean: House Inure, House Languo, House Vermille.

House Languo is situated right at the middle of the Triangle, luring many pilots and shipmen to become their next meal.

This is why House Languo is one of the richest houses as they are the known sellers of authentic blood and would even send you a drugged human, bounded and ready to be eaten. The profits kept coming in and they were it so fast that humans started to suspect and created the legend of the Bermuda, calling it a cursed and a haunted part of the world.

In truth, it’s just a part of the Underworld but with frequent unwanted visitors.

But the 2 biggest kingdoms, Kalon and Orenda, rest on the Pacific Ocean with the Capital on top of the Ring of Fire, known in the Underworld as the Entrance to Hell.

Some say it’s unlucky to have a vampire kingdom so near the thing that could kill them but some say the reason they’re so respected is that they are so near it and could withstand it.

But who really knows the answer.

Waking up from the bright sunlight, you squirmed and accidentally rolled out of bed, dragging the sheets and covers. At this point, you were so tired that you were willing to fall asleep again but as you settled on your back, your eyes snapped open and you blinked, surprised, when you saw a head of blonde hair peer over the edge of the bed.

“And you call yourself a queen.”

His smirk after the insult made a growl escape your lips and you sprang back up to the bed, sitting on his bare torso and pinning his arms beside his head. Jaemin smirked up at you and unknowingly licked his lips at your bare chest with the sight of purple and red colors left from last night.

You scoffed slightly at the look on his face until you noticed his line of sight and shook your head, disappointed at your perverted husband. Releasing his arms and leaning back to place your butt on his lower abdomen, you quickly shifted away, feeling it poke your back.

With an irritated look, your eyebrows knitted together, “As if you didn’t use me enough last night, you still want more. How much more do you still want me from, Orendian?”

Jaemin smugly placed his left arm beneath his head and his right hand drifted to softly grab your chin, “We were married for an alliance and children symbolize that it is official, don’t you think?”

“I will not become your birth factory. As much as you don’t want to, I intend to rule beside you and I will voice out my opinion if it’s needed. I will not hesitate to put you in your place, king or not.”

Thinking that your statement would make him angry, instead it made his grin wider. His right hand wandered down to your waist and his left arm left its spot from his head to place it to the other side of your waist. You looked at him curiously, guarded and not knowing of what his true intentions were. Through half-lidded eyes, Jaemin looked up at you and his grin turned lazy.

“You are quite bold, woman. Aren’t you afraid that one day, you say the wrong word and I rip out your tongue from your mouth?”

With a defiant glare, you responded, “What I said last night still remains true today and for eternity. You will never scare me, Na Jaemin. For you are only a puny prince whose future will bring the Underworld farther than Hell itself.”

Although his smile remained, Jaemin’s eyes visibly hardened and with all of his strength, he forcibly pinned you to the bed, red eyes glazing over your face. Lingering on odd places like your cheeks or your neck, Jaemin blinked slowly at you, anger radiating from his form.

“A puny prince, huh? My wife, my queen, seems to think that I am not capable of leading our country for the better. Should I teach her a lesson? Should I fuck her until her legs are shaking and mark her dry until all the blood is gone from her body? Or should I just hand her over to my men and let her experience a second without her title,” he sneered.

Fear bubbled inside you but you forced it down and you cursed the weakness of your mind.

Even though vampires were mostly indestructible on the outside with cement-like skin, they were very prone and vulnerable to normal emotions. The absence of the heart meant nothing as the blood of humans carried something that fueled their existence and it traveled inside. But normal emotions was normal and could easily be felt, vampire or not.

A small but cold laugh escaped your lips, “My bloodline runs all over the kingdoms. If you should even do that, they are obligated to ruin Orenda due to their association with me. So try it, my king. For it will be the last time you’ll ever see your country and your family, alive.”

The threat clearly affected the boy but you were taken aback by his response. A pair of cold lips smashed to your own and you responded just as harsh, biting his lips and drawing his blood.

But when his lips left yours to bite on your flesh, a soft whimper filled the room as the razor sharp teeth roughly attached themselves on you and the abuse was something familiar yet unfamiliar to you. The fear of being trapped and so helpless that you couldn’t even push him away because you were weak.

He was taking his anger out, on you.

And there was nothing you could do to defend yourself.

You cried on the tub that day.

Paris was unusually cold during the summer month of June.

You bundled up in a beige trench coat with a black baker boy hat and a pair of vintage oval sunglasses from the 60s. The sunlight did little to nothing as it was still near 40 degrees and it didn’t warm the air. However, the sun’s fiery rays were still felt by sensitive beings like you and vampires were very prone to being cautious and try to stay away from hot things like those.

“Dear cousin, I take your honeymoon with the prince did not satisfy you as you are here shopping with me in Paris when you could be busy making love to your new husband.”

“Jaehyun, do watch your mouth. As much as I could care less for him, insulting his manhood is enough to cause that wretched temper of his into launching a seige to Metanoia and I do love you and Uncle and Aunt but your kingdom is far smaller and weaker than his army. You are one of my favorites and I’d rather love to watch Hoseok for his coronation to his kingdom that is still there.”

Jaehyun watched you with an amused look as your answer was said as you flicked through the coat racks full of Louis Vuitton coats, joining you with the inspection of the clothing. You were so nonchalant over the whole thing and he can really see the amount of training your parents have put you through to prepare you for your marriage to Jaemin.

“You know, sometimes I forget that you were the same girl who cried because I wouldn’t let her put a flower crown on my head,” he chuckled causing you look at him with a nostalgic look on your face.

“Oh, yes. I was quite naive back then.”

Jaehyun sighed as his eyes continued to look up and down on this particular honey mustard coat, “I remember you being scared of the most childish things. Johnny surprised you by the garden and you cried your little eyes out until your mother threatened to beat you. I guess that’s why you’re not really scared of anything now, huh?” He turned to look at you with a boyish smile, implying your easy agreement to the marriage.

“But the difference was, everything was perfect back then. We were young and we didn’t have anything to fear except for bath time. Now, we worry over who we’re expected to be and who we ought to marry for alliances.” Jaehyun’s fingers froze and he looked off into the wall. “Our lives have slowly become purely our parents and it fucking scares me that one day, we will be like them too. That’s my fear, Jaehyun. My one fear.”

Turning away from the horridly bright colors of the clothing, Jaehyun looked back at you and he felt sadness swelling up inside at the sight before him.

You’ve managed to fool everyone with your bravery and courage for your parents’ favor. However, there was a time where it wasn’t all an act and that you really were ready to risk it all just because they asked you to.

A naive little girl.

But now that you’ve been exposed to everything and anything, Jaehyun saw the little girl crying behind those scarlet orbs, not because of his strong refusal of the orchid covered crown, but with fear of the world and no one to defend her for what’s to come.

a/n: oof sorry for making jaemin look like an asshole but hey, we need a plot line!

might start updating once or twice a week, usually monday. i have about 2 chapters written out just not fully written out, yknow? hard to explain but here’s your update!! so sorry for making yall wait without a schedule 🥺 ayo, send a few of yall names so i can use your name for an oc in this series. i feel kinda bad bc y/n’s friends needs some names

last also. if yall didn’t get it, jaehyun’s birthday is valentines day and she’s in paris and paris is known to be the city of love so paris is a part of metanoia, which is jaehyun’s kingdom, and Hoseok, J-Hope, is with the last name of Jung so I made him jaehyun’s older brother. a lot more characters will show up in the next chapter so don’t worry!!!

here’s a taglist, (just tell me if you want to be added!):

@bobohu-s-ane-yeobo

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happilyneverafters · 5 years

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pt 1/4: accepting; the novel text to a bff

I love him. I’ve loved him from the very beginning. I wasn’t in the right mind then. I had just gotten over XXX and I was finally living the fun single life. I knew I would hurt him bc he loved me so much and I couldn’t settle. I f*cked up. Fast forward. He did the same to me. He reached out, thinking that I was still that damaged girl he could just have fun with... he saw I wasn’t and we connected way too much way too fast and he hadn’t dealt with XXX. He literally bought a ring. Proposed. Got a “yes” and started planning a wedding. Then to find out she cheated. Yeah, obviously that hurt. He said he was over it but how could you get over that in literally 2 months? You can’t. I got a promise ring and was cheated on so I know the commitment significance but we weren’t planning a wedding????? So he ran. He wanted to mess around like I did. I was furious. Sick to my stomach on how he treated me. But I don’t care as much as I should bc I’ve been there. And I am so in love with him and it’s so f*cking unconditional and this proves it. He has been my best friend since high school. And I’m almost 25........ so 11, 12 years???? What he did was f*cked up. Hahahaha it makes me laugh out loud how f*cked up it was. And when I truly think about every bit and piece that happened from the time he messaged, to when I called him when driving to XXX and he was the biggest d*ck I’ve ever heard... I literally about puke from the gut wrenching pain... but I don’t blame him................ how can that be? I just truly feel sorry for him. Bc an engagement is the biggest decision someone could make and he made that decision. Only for it to go south. So yeah, he broke my heart. He stomped on it and spit on it and put it in the shredder. But for some reason, all of my tears, all of my depression, all of this weight I’ve gained, all of my poems I’ve wrote and all of the fake things I’ve done/said .... I’m still on the fence on how I should feel. I should be angry. I should cuss him out. I should punch him in the face. I should get revenge. I should move on. I should be happy. But I don’t want to. I want to be sad. I want to hurt. I want to miss him. I want to love him. I want to blame her and not him. I want to blame college and not him. I want to blame time and not him. I want to blame me and not him. And that’s sick in the head of me. Bc he literally told you he couldn’t care less about me. Yet here I am, hoping I’ll secretly see him one day. I know I deserve better. But not a better person. The situation was just off. But I can’t see the wrong in it bc I was that person too. If God continues to keep him on my mind and is giving me the words to write about him, I want to trust that he’s supposed to be in my life. If people keep going back to each other, they aren’t meant to be apart. Sure this was only the second time of going back but will I ever not want to go back???? That’s what I fear. You say I’ll meet someone and I’ll “know” like you did. But that’s how I felt with him. I was seriously the most alive I’ve ever been in my entire life. I didn’t want to sleep. I was excited to wake up. I was living on the edge. I was spontaneous. I wanted to be out of the house. I wanted to be with him even if we were just sitting. Or swinging. I wanted to hear every little thing he had to say. And study every feature of his face and body and mind and heart and soul.

pt. 2/4

He wasn’t the person who hurt me. And I don’t believe he meant it. I feel for him the way you feel for yours and the way your voice changes when you talk about him. But he is such a bag of f*cking d*cks and I hate his guts. I want to karma to take him out and make him call her daddy. But I am so consumed that as soon as I think about how angry I should be, I think “aw I just want to hug him and tell him it’s okay”. Yet he would never in a million years do that for me. So when will I stop wanting to do that for him? Or will I? Like I said in one of my poems, I need to act like he is XXX. I wanted so badly to be XXX’s but he is physically not able. He is gone. I need to look at him that way. Same with XXX. When XXX started dating girls in his town. I was miserable. When he told me not to come to XXX. I was livid. But then I realized. He’s not physically able to be mine. That’s how I need to look at him. But I refuse to believe it. I refuse to accept it. I can listen to yalls advice and I will gladly do it but I can’t promise I’ll ever want it to be true. He doesn’t understand that bc he wouldn’t give me the chance to explain that. He read my words. He didn’t hear my words. Or my tone. He refused to look me in the eye and when I was finally close to it he said “ugh fine you can come over”..... like, no, I’m not going to “ugh come over” and fight for your ear and your heart. I’ll “ugh come over” to physically fight you bc you’re an idiot and need to be taken down a notch bc you’re too high on your horse but again, he’s damaged, he’s got that mindset he needs to be free bc he’s seen the ugly side of commitment, not my side of promising commitment. Again, like I said in one of my poems, I don’t love him for how he treats me bc clearly he treats me like I’m a washed up piece of garbage that a raccoon dug through and slept on throughout the rainy night but bc of who he is and what he’s been through and what is capable of. I’m in love with every bit of him for him. Not him for me. Again, he can’t hear that bc he’s childish enough to plug his ears and not listen. Idk what to do. I’ll move on. I’ll go on this date tonight and try my best to keep an open mind but I know at the end of the night, when I get my phone out before bed, I’ll look at his pics or see what he’s posted/reposted. That’s so dangerous of me. You’re right, I might find someone someday who won’t treat me this way. But I want to at least wait to see if his bas**** a** will grow up first and realize I would gladly ask his mom for his hand, get down on one knee and ask his frat a** to marry me and I would say yes to him every single day of my life. Even if he said no to me, like he already has.

pt 3/4

He won’t come back. And I know that. He won’t. Bc he is able to wipe his hands and walk away bc to him, he did nothing wrong. He was just living the single life. But to me, I was home with him. He didn’t act as just living the single life. To him, he was. To me, it was not at all. And he wouldn’t know that. That’s the thing. He doesn’t know. I could tell him, I’m not scared to express it, it’s just like he said though, it’s pointless. It wouldn’t benefit him, and it wouldn’t benefit me. It’s a waste of breath. I’ve made myself look like a psychotic fool to him. I’d rather sit in my room crying and writing about my feelings, just to save him the time of hearing my voice. I won’t wait for him. It’s not necessary. And I told him I wouldn’t. But unlike him, I’m not going to go out and find someone. The only reason I’ve got the date tonight is bc I got upset and downloaded a dating app for one night. Bc I don’t want to meet someone that way. Which is another fear. I don’t want to meet someone online. I don’t go out to bars. You can’t really meet anyone at a church like ours. It would just have to be a mutual friend or someone I’ve already known. Either way, I don’t want anyone else. I didn’t when I broke up with him a few years ago. I tried to come back but he had already had me blocked bc XXX. So I had to. No one, no one, even came close to how I felt about him. Again, it’s not just “oh I really want to be with him”..... the connection.... the connection is what is real and instant and easy and fun and that’s what I loved. He was my best friend first. Does he really have a connection like that with everyone????

pt 4/4

I can’t cry. I’m trying to. I need to. I’m just numb. This song I’m listening to is so touching and of course, I’m thinking of him, but I can’t cry. I think I’ve literally used up all of my tears. I can’t feel anything. And it got me thinking. Y’all are so tired of hearing me vent about him. I know that. And I’m sorry. I know you know something I don’t. And maybe it’s that he truly won’t come back. And that’s fine. I think I’m finally accepting that. But the thing is, is I know what I want. And I’ve known what I’ve wanted for a long time. And it’s him. It will always be him. It always has been. You say I’ll find someone but the gag is I know it’s him. Whether God tells him no, God has told me yes. So many times. And if he is somewhat available, I’m not going to force myself to move on if I don’t have to. I’m not saying I will refuse others but I won’t give up hope on him but if/until he calls me, FaceTimes, or comes to physically see me.... he won’t come back. It’s easy to not care when you have zero contact. He’s the cool senior frat guy who can get any girl he wants. Toxic. Pathetic. Disturbing. Disgusting. But that’s not him. And I know if he saw me, he’d feel for me what he had before, whether he thinks so or not. I’m still so happy. I haven’t changed. I still am living the same life I did before he came back. And today being in XXX, I didn’t search for him, I was just enjoying my time home, but I can’t say I didn’t imagine what it would have been like with him there with me. Or in the car ride home. Or Rn listening to this romantic song trying to nap. It’s him I want. It’s him I need. But I can’t let you be the one I dump it on. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I know it’s been... 2 months? You’re tired. I’m tired. So it’s time that I suffer alone. As much as I will pray for that day to come where him and I come face to face, you won’t hear about it. I don’t blame him for anything he did. He wasn’t in the right mind. And even if he was, he wasn’t in the wrong. He hurt me, yes. But I did it to myself. And I’m continuing to put myself in the same pain. That’s on me. No one else. So no one else should have to suffer the consequences. I’m okay even though I’m really not okay. It’s not him I’m letting destroy me bc it’s him who truly makes me feel alive, I’m destroying myself. Satan is using this heartbreak against me and I’m giving them the power to consume the little bit of me that I have to offer someone else. Like I said, I’m not depressed bc of him and I’m not allowing him to be the reason I’m numb... I just think the constant “why” or “why not” or “when” is slowly drowning me. I’ve said many times in my poems that my love for him is the most unconditional love I’ve ever experienced in my life and I know that is a once in a lifetime type of love, a true f*cking love that I just can’t grasp isn’t a two way street, and that is what is driving me insane. I could continue typing for hours and days and months and years about this but again, I’m keeping you out of that now.

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